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Yoga Week2

Expereinces:

Forest Walk

Matrimandir inside , Gardens, Amphitheatre ( i much prefer the tree and the amphitheatre)

Farm volunteering

Asana:

Core

Balance

Twists

Attempt at 108 sun salutations

Philosophy

Framework of yoga( need a seprate post on this)

Shiva Siddhanta

Kriya

Trataka

Pranayama

Vajra Pranayama

Uddhyana Bandha

Discoveries

The breath and its shephearding

The jaw slack

Diaphram Tensions

Joy of exploring Vajra pranayama

Sitbones forming triangular base for moola bandha

Hacks

>Is this thought veiling / distracting me from having a full expereince of my true self inthis moment? (and traced back to) Is this gaze / gazer veiling/distracting me away from a true expereince..?

>A rather slow held sooryanamaskar after ever 18 in the the normal pace, Thats 6 rounds. of 18.

Or

in a pair a slow 10 after every 9th.. and 10 of those and then an 8

Connecting practice to life

SHifts

R seems no longer the main locus

Want to try this week

Enema

Jalaneti

Trataka

+ Feldenkrais : basic and soothing the nervous system

MAke more notes as ways of learning and understanding

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Yoga School TTC - cocreation: Week1

Asana Work:

Day1 - Hamstring

Day2- Core

Day3- Opening the heart

Day 4 - Mind / Balance / Twists

Breath Work

Samavritti Pranayam

Box Pranayam

Yogic Breathing

Tamil Shaiva Philosophy:

Aram ( like the Dao)

ANd Oozh

Anatomy

A bit out of depth. Summonging Bonnie Back into my life.

Insights:

Body - breath counts are indivators to arrive at a deep breaht. All 3 breaths cant be deep. But by the 3rd or the 5th or the 7th I arrive at that state and Ruthym

Body - Breath - Tortoise imagery in temples... when the breath went really low... it almost went below my perennium. ANd i understood the imagery in temples of tortpise holding the worlds. Maybe - all the work above-starts only after the tortoise state has been touched.

( i felt it only once. and while relaxing into the samavritti pranayam)

And somewhere it is in this state of breath that imgination kicks in. Else its surface level visualisation/fantasy. Imgination is something else - it engages with the breath ...cant explain. Its a feeling.

Body - Sides of the lower leg are weak - nneds strengthenin. First ever handstand attempt.

Body-Mind

Moola Banda: As bein dfferent from the genital or anal splincher compression. ANd coincidentally I was doing the Secreats of Ring Muscles with Maggie Burrows in Feldie. ANd this sugests that its not the spincher..its what is in between the splinchers.

And coincidentally Nick posted a free lesson on the perenium hold.. its done me a hell lot of good.

Philosophy

I am forgettable and I am forgivable. So that applies to everyone. You are forgetaable and forigveable.

I am either going in - into the world - in that case my heighest level is @pugazh@ - to be reknowned by spilling out of my cup in abundance.

Or I am going out - renunciate - in that case the letting go or detachment is the highest goals as markers bieng givem

In the combination of the 24 Prakritis i start ddiscovering who i am... why am i doing it?>

Memory:

Of JOhn and Cross road choice between John and Rock and how that determined so many things in life

Of school Annual Day hen i was proabaly 7..when i stood up a dance partner on Annual Day despite my interest in Dancing. But sheer fear and overwhelm took over and i hid myself literally. ANd the poop dirl had to faceit all .

That eminds me - of the diaries i used to have in Marian. And i used to lie a lot.

Intnetion - the giant white lotus - of receiving and transforming. for enough strength and joy and clarity that iharm /hurt no one.

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The neurons that shaped civilization | VS Ramachandran

Mirror neurons - it sets the premise for theatre

Skin- presence of skin is what separates or clarifies the self from the other. Else empathy spills into confusion

#Youtube

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Notice.

NOtice pas that moent that says that something else needs to be happening than what is.

Notice past that impulse of voice, time, someone seeing you, someone getting impatient, anything, everything.

Take time.

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Its simpler at the moment.

More simpler than things were 2days ago.

A tad more complex than things were this morning.

The centre appears and disappears but not too far out, thankfully. Or for too long, maybe.

It was incredibly intense. Gory. It taught me much -

that my fulcrum is me. not another person.

that i pursue what nourishes me and gives me joy

that compromise is a silent killer, a poisoner of integrity

that one must stake it all, and be ready to lose it all - to clarify ones position. to oneself.

Shiatsu helped, the community helped, bangalore travel helped, spending time talking with griselda helped.

And suddenly, at that moment when i felt i would be absolutely fine continuing in life without R. That i could go on easily without the house.... I was ready to show up for R. As a comrade. Expecting nothing, as he navigates a tough turn. And now knowing what is ok for me or not. ANd there is no reason that i need to lock all my attention on him or demand that from him.

Going past the fear that he might die, thai will be alone, that he gives away attention which ought to be mine, that he has a basic commitment to not make me feel like an 'other' - that he will protect me from that feeling. going past all that. To arrive at a moment that -

i am normal. other people feel this way. i am not insane.

and from there- that ok- if i am sane. then thats it. i can operate normally. i suddenly have freedom. and choice to respond. I dont need him to protect me from my fear of feeling 'othered'. i understand it better now. . .i do what i need so that in every moment -where ever i am -i belong to to/as/with/in the moment. no one else can other me.

ANd so, i ended up chosing to expand. than shrink. Its still an oscillatiion. But after a major shift, everything feels like fine hair.

Nature opened up a lil. I feel a lil more ease. I am able to sit for Anapana. Extend it even ocassionally.

Gratitude for the teachings and signs.

I wonder if that fridge magnet had anything to do with turning this around on their head. Allowing me to go past my demands and extend into another human being who seemed to be suffering within. To trust that this process is on. And if at the moment it doesnt feel like he is honoring his end - i choose - i choose to honor mine. In the way that i would have wanted another to honor it for me. And in that extending past the imae of the adversary something shifted.

This morning i no longer cared about his phone. That nagging need to go through it to reassure myself or to confirm my worst fears disappeared. I dont care. Who he shows up as, is entirely up to him. I know how i want to show up as -joyful, clear and honest, and unafraid. I have no expectation of him. I now have tremendous expectation of me.

I have to now navigate my philosophies in the real world. Start working in AuroOrchard - so a part of food is taken care of. Since time is the currency. To build a community of people who are easy and resonate, and value is amplified in sharing.

Maker culture, Shiatsu, Garden, So much is possible.

ANd if there is nothing also, one is ready to start over.

After that i came across this idea...of Repair. Repair after rupture. Rupture which is in Nature.

What a powerful simple idea...what does it mean to repair?

My inner critic pointed to me losing my axis. That mutual dignity and respect is a non negotiable core value. And demanded that i find it back.

I travel tomorrow with a friend, a companion i care about. ANd thats that. its as simple as that. Never mind lables and ideals. Unlearn someways of relating to a human being. And relearn with listening.

Ana Pana. Thats all

And no more pretending

#relationship #repair #integrity

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You are sleeping below. And i am sitting at my desk.

It not a good feeling. Its not like i am consciously holding back. But my chest feels like a wall. I dont know if we will ever get back. ANd i dont know if we dont get back, we can continue as friends. This is a good time to try it out. 

I dont even know what i want.  Maybe thats a good thing. This is how one finds out now.

Yesterday was peaceful. It truly was.  I didnt mind that i was alone. I felt one with everything. 

And now the house again feels cluttered. My sensations are cloudy. I am not able to think and create freely. 

I cant get over the fact that you were shady with me. I dont know if i ever will. And whats worse, i dont think you care enough anymore. Or is it me

—

Went to a gig yesterday. It may have saved my soul. Well so did getting on the cycle.  

Dropped into Dorian House on a whim.Just because i was moved that Kirtana and her partner were offering an open house. And the poster i had seen a familiar Bangalore name. 

ANd while Kalari announcements seem to have a price on pretty much everything. 

100 meters away i bumped into G. So we went together. 

And boy was i glad. 

Precious precious music. 

Aman Mahajan and Ninad Pandey. https://amanmahajanmusic.com/tinctures

 On the last leg of their Let Sound Be Sound tour

Once again i was being taught to listen. 

To listen from the body. To not listen from the mind. 

From the body, the ears are purely listening and the body is responding -in tandem. Neither in front. Both together. Without a lag. In the mind - its proving something. 

This after being on the cycle. Catching that moment of pause between rotations. 

Precious. 

#time #relationship #music #improvisation

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Earth Meridian

Yesterday we incredibly special. I should have just written this note of gratitude while i was still with it.

We worked on Earth element in Shiatsu. Nourishment. Of the physical and intellectual. I was fed pretty much every single meal by some generous soul or the other. So incredibly nourishing

The wringing of muscles as the massage for it. The connective tissue.

I feel i have found something with Shiatsu. It's process resonates deeply. Its integrity and simplicity. Havin stripped away all the frills.

Two equals, looking for harmony. The receiver has the equal respnsibility to release, in a sense. As much as the give to stay true the deep listening into the pathways - only possible if one is detached and interated.

I passed by two cyclists the other day on the auroville road at the aurovelo turnin. I havent seen a more purer sight. Of two human beings, they looked like a nepali couple in their 50s, on two seperate cycles, the pedals, their feet, the wheels all moving a rhythm that felt unbroken from the beginning of time. It was moving, and still at the same time. They were on seperate cycles, but they looked like they were on the same one. In the same plane. In the same breath.

....

Apparently, in Japan or China, dont know th exact fact, the blind were encouraged as practitioners. Maybe because in the absence of visuals as a distraction, something else is heightened.

...

Stumbled into the Narayana Guru verse which i had explored with Parshaty last. It was almost a month ago.

Aham irul alla IrulaakilAndharaay

Naam Aham Aham ennu ariyaathirunnidenam

Arivadinaal aham andhakaaram allennu

Arivad-ingane Aarkum odidenum

Loosely translates to :

To know that the Self is not darkness

We place ourselves inside darkness blindfolded

Constantly rejecting the sense of I as not the true Self

And once we know that the Self is not darkness

We share this knowing with others

#shiatsu

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Vesica Pisces

The unshakable feeling that a space that was mine, within you, was traded away cheaply for a comforter to cloak your insecurities. And i can see that part of me that has this feeling - experiencing hurt, betrayal, blaming. etc.

And then i am reminded. whatever you do or not do is entirely upto you. Iam so affected because i made you the axis of my being.

Now i take back my axis. As you must be finding yours too. To meet as two individuals. Equals, but not adversaries. Or friends even. just two people in a space, sharing time and space.

YOur space is not about me. And my time is not about you. We find out if there are meaningful overlaps. Thats all.

So when i am experiencing those difficult sensations in my body, i ask my self - where can i shift my vantage of gaze such that i have the vastest perspective possible of the situation? (And just close eyes and experience the shift)

#relationship

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Songs for Sita

---

as a photo project

collaborator: Aravind

---

Approach the existing text though images. Creates in the newly created home/work space.

Juxtapositions. Of the physical bodies/essence of the labour who made the space. Via-a-vis. The body/essence of the person inhabiting the space.

A set of contrasts, placed next to each other.

Covered male v/s Nude female

Direct v/s Abstraction

Fit v/s middle aged unfit

Class

etc

...

The questions that may appear in the space between the two images next to each other:

What is room of ones own?

Who is the artist?

What do time walls feel like? (because these bodies can inhabit the same space, but not in the same time)

What is a collaboration?

----

The female body in the space, referncing the text for inspiration.

Distill each piece of text into a set of movement/ exploration prompts.

Collaborators: Simrat/Deepak ?

#project

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Front has to speak to the Back. And viceversa. Yin Yang

This  morning I woke up, inspite of all the churn…with an insight on the Yin and Yang imagery.

The front of the body, the most difficult emotional sensations i feel there. And at some point when i asked myself which is the vastest vantage i can offer myself to make meaning of this, my gaze shifted its avis to the backside of my head. As if that was the viewing position. And once there, everything seemed contained and containable. 

So my reading then is - yin - the feminine is the front - and all about experiences and sensations of it. Dark. And yang - the masculine is the back - is all about integrating the experiences. Light. Almost as if a container. Like the ribs that extend out and holds it together.

And for balance, its not just the left and right that has to be in dialogue. Its also the front and the back. 

The front receives. And the back integrates. 

Vulnerable. And Strong.

And the yin and yang symbol also makes sense in a new way. To locate the eye in yang (back of head), while processing yin zones. And keep the gaze in yin (forehead region) while integrating the yang zones.

Only just receiving without integration is imbalance. Too much backlog of stored stuff. Big belly. Weak core.

And, well. I dont know if one can have a strong back without having a soft core.  If its possible - i imagine superficiality. 

#Shiatsu Notes

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Pondi bangalore - railroad laying

Train schedule

...

Pondi to blore : 11006: go

Tues, Wed, Sun

Blore to pondi: 11005: return

Monday, Tuesday, Saturday

....

So GOing days: Wednesday or Sunday 9.15pm ( thiruvannamalai stop at 11.11 pm)

RETURN days: Saturday or Tuesday

(Banaswadi at 10pm. Kr puram at 10.15pm

Thiruvannamalai at 4.20am nxt day)

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the second of the Six Interviews of Itsuo Tsuda « Breathing living philosophy »

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Darshan Story ideas

The mouse in the car - mesh man Imtiaaz bhai

Lizard friends - Leonard and Lucy

Therapy for parents- poster

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Home

Aum

__

Home. 

Syed and I were talking about home. How overnight the feeling of home changed. In his case the separation of his parents. And therefore maybe his sense of self in the outer world. 

And in my case the sexual incident, that changed my sense of home in my body. 

What really hit me - was what was common - how overnight our narrative of how we are being perceived changed, overnight our sense of self -of  how we see ourselves through another’s eyes changed.  Overnight, a mental dialogue appreard. And stayed. Changing form from time to time. But operating on the same principle - that the other thinks you unworthy or that the other cannot be trusted. That one is to be blamed for something or the other.  The loss of innocence. 

Which i maybe can now clearly distinguish because of my brief tryst with the natural state...where none of this is present. It's a return to innocence. Simple mind. Minimal projections. Minimal assumptions. Almost zero defense. 

The fort that was raised, was then razed. And now I see it back up. And for a change maybe i am not fighting it, at least as much as i used to. I am just looking at the phenomena.

Defenses. Dark defenses. 

Cancerous. 

Around the chest. Sharp rips near the vagina.

Home. 

I also am now struck by the biological idea- that i was present, as a cell present when my grandmother was forming as a fetus in her mother’s womb. 

And that it took 2 births before my own obvious birth, for me to manifest.  As in, I have been born 3rice- as my grandmother first, and then my mother, and then as me. 

Home. 

My earliest memory of home must then be my great-grandmother's womb. And its oscillations and routines and preoccupations and rhythms

So when my great-grandmother was shaping into a fetu - one of her eggs would go on to be my grandmother, and while that egg turned fetus - one of its cells turned into an egg, which would be my mother and within that, it was protecting a cell  that would end up being me. 

And i carry within me, an egg - cell that is unbroken in the chain from my grandmother.

I carry within me my grandmother. 

As she carried within her, her grandmother. who was then expressed as my mother, her sisters/brother. 

So. When i don't have a child? Then the line ends with me. The expression of my grandmother, the seed that is evolving and expanding and expressing - self annihilates. 

Or more like, I am expressing one of its deep desires - to self annihilate. 

When we were changing my grand mom’s diapers, cleaning her vaginal region - which she always wanted verbally confirmed- if it was cleaned properly or not -  well that same place engaged in sex with a penis. Which sent forth the sperm that fertilized, selected as the best bet, that particular egg that was holding me within it - and birthed with great pains, my mother. 

I will never know that pain. 

How do I feel about that?

___

My grandmother is dying. Her womb is my earliest home, biologically speaking. 

I remember distinctly experiencing the loss of the sense of home and belonging, after a  very under-age sexual encounter. 

I decided not to have a child. What do I feel about my grandmother’s cellular exploration/expansion as me, terminating with me?

When i say - no kid -is it because i hold myself unworthy to continue in life? or my mother, or my grandmother? That this trail of cellular exploration is deadend. 

Then what do i feel about being a deadend?

deadend-deadend---deadend-deadend-deadend

____

Home.

I am not sure if i have felt truly at home anywhere. Except thiru, briefly. Though i am earnest is making every place a home. 

What do i feel about this homelessness?

__

Self-annihilation. Cancer is self-annihilation. Self sabotage programme activated. 

A withdrawal of love and resources, so that the organism ceases. A death-wish. 

Am I carrying a death-wish around? 

Is that why I feel I have nothing to pass on?

__

She doesnt have forever

Nor do i

_

Doi!

oi!

__

Like Rajiv said - that i can touch, i can breathe, i can feel, i can sense is affirmation enough that i exist. I need no other validation. Sure. And maybe it is my fate to wander, unsatisfied. Maybe. 

The body knows it exists. But the mind needs more, to confirm its existence. It has the need to be needed, to affirm its existence. 

To listen clearly to the communication from the self, of what it needs - to be a clear interface is the role of the uncorrupted mind. Uncondition, decondition, clear away the garble so that the communication is clear - and not layed over by ideas and ideals and ought-tos.

The whole point of the practice is that - to learn to clearly listen to what one is, to what one wants moment to moment. And  a corrupted system jumbles all the signals. 

I am so affected by valliyammachi’s state because i identify. I am identifying with that body as my own. Her dying and her state as my own dying. I am identifying with it all. Hence my efforts to be there. My aunt identifies, hence her efforts to infuse life, not let go. 

Cant blame us, we all came from the same cell.

I feel disconnected from buzz road and rajiv, because i dont feel needed. My need to feel needed is left unsatisfied. Especially because my expereince for the past week until yesterday was, i was the cynosure of a lot of attention..positive or negative - one way or the other. I felt i was contributing, that i was valued, that i was needed.  Gave me an identity maybe. Or reaffirmed a very old identity - of being a daughter sister granddaughter niece etc. Helped me locate myself in the radar. And from that this, feels like entering space - vacum. Nothing. 

What is left if there is no identification with something, as something?

Is that even possible? To exist and not be identified with something, as something?

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#memory #death #movement #theatre