#idk man im tired & im frustrated & im in pain & im trying so hard to be polite & say the right things | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dylshoney · 5 years

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sweetheart

request: hi i literally adore your work! can you please do something where shawn and the reader are friends with benefits but she lies about sleeping with someone else and he gets mad and its like rough smut? maybe a little fluff at the end idk do your magic lol

a/n: thank you for this idea, im really happy with how it turned out

warnings: language, heavy smut, oral (female receiving), orgasm denial, sex toys, bounding, rough?

You knew getting involved with him would end up biting you in the ass.

Even when it just began and you were trying to convince yourself that you wouldn’t fall for him, there was always a subconscious part of you that knew your heart was too weak to resist him.

You regretted letting him kiss you that one night, three months ago. You were both so drunk, too drunk to realize that your actions would end up causing so much pain. You remember the way he made you feel that night, his hands on your body, mouth exploring every inch of you. You remember the way he said your name, the way his hips ground into you, the way he came apart looking like a god.

You watched him, it was hard not to. He was wearing a loosely fitted dress shirt, the top couple buttons unfastened and showing a delicious bit of skin. His hair was effortlessly messy, just how you liked it.

His eyes seemed to glow, wide and bright – but they weren’t trained on you. No. They were focused on the giggling blonde that hadn’t left his side all night. You sat idly and watched her twirl her hair, as she leaned into him, her lips dangerously close to his neck.

You wanted to hate her so bad, but how could you?

It wasn’t her fault that Shawn had chosen her over you. You rolled your eyes as you brought your glass up to your lips, downing the rest of it and placing it on the counter as you finally tore your eyes away from him.

You regretted ever saying yes to attend his stupid party.

You took a deep breath, taking out your phone as you rushed to the front door. You had almost made it, until a large hand wrapped around your elbow, spinning you back.

“Where are you going?” Shawn.

You rolled your eyes, your gaze still locked on your phone, where you were trying to order an uber, “Jack’s house.”

“W- what?” His eyes were wide, face flushed, “Who the fuck is Jack?”

“This guy I’ve been casually seeing.”

His sharp intake of breath startled you as he pulled your phone from your grasp.

“Hey!”

He ignored you, “Y – you’ve been seeing other people?”

“Yeah,” you shrugged, even though it was a complete lie. Jack had asked you out multiple times in the past, and you had always turned him down, for Shawn. But now, now there was literally nothing stopping you.

“Oh.”

“Haven’t you?” You crossed your arms.

“No.” His voice was soft.

“What about the blonde girl?”

“She’s – No one.”

“Didn’t look like no one,” you rolled your eyes.

“Well, she is,” his voice was sterner as he stepped closer to you, “Why won’t you believe me?”

“Because you guys were practically fucking on the couch!” You hissed, quickly looking around to make sure no one was paying attention to your exchange.

He was still for a moment, until a small smile spread over his face, “No need to be jealous, sweetheart.”

You huffed, rolling your eyes again and turning away from him – your hand gripping the door handle.

Shawn’s hand latched onto your elbow again, spinning you back into him, his darkened eyes trained down on you, “You’re still going?”

You nodded, biting your lip as you avoided his gaze.

“Why?”

You resisted the urge to scream as you looked up into his clueless eyes, “Because Shawn! You’ve been ignoring me all night. And I’m tired and I just really need to be fucked and – ”

“Come upstairs with me,” his voice was lower than you’d heard in a while, sending a shiver down your spine.

“I’m not doing this with your house filled with people.”

He licked his lower lips, as his arm wrapped around your waist, “Did it sound like I was asking?”

You swallowed, hating the puddle that had formed between your legs, from just that single sentence. But you had too much pride, “Who says I even want to fuck you? How do you know Jack’s not better at it than you are?”

He was silent for a moment before the corners of his lips twitched slightly.

You didn’t have the chance to blink before he had turned away from you and faced his crowd of guests, “Sorry everyone! Parties’ over! Please find your way out.”

Your mouth fell open as you watched everyone stare at him in shock, but he had already turned to face you with a devilish smile.

He didn’t hesitate to grab your waist, pulling you up and hauling you over his shoulder.

“Shawn!” You squealed, “What the hell are you doing?”

He ignored you, continuing to walk through the hallway, ignoring the confused looks from a few guests that passed you.

“Shawn...” you mumbled again, hating the excitement that bumbled through you as he slammed the door of his room loudly.

He threw you down onto the bed. His dark frame coming over you as he watched you with hooded eyes.

“Everyone’s probably pissed,” you mumbled, your gaze flickering from his eyes to his lips.

“Don’t care,” he smirked, leaning down to you, “They’re all business anyway.”

You wanted to respond, but your words got lost against his lips, his warm mouth coming down to capture yours.

You moaned into him, your hands immediately locking behind his neck and gripping the curls at the base.

He groaned, his hands wrapping around your arms and bringing them down as he pulled away from you.

Your eyes opened immediately, confusion running through you, “Wh – ”

“You really think I’m going to let you touch me after the way you behaved sweetheart?” He tutted, lightly kissing your hands as he separated from your body and walked over to his dresser.

You watched in anticipation as he pulled out a black tie, your eyes widening, you didn’t even know he owned one.

He was back to you in seconds, his hands gripping yours and bringing them over your head.

“What are you doing?” you mumbled, as he began to fasten your wrists to his bedpost.

“Punishing you.”

Your body trembled at his words, a rush of arousal spreading through you.

“Don’t look so excited baby,” he hummed; tightening the grip on your hands as he made sure it was perfect.

You licked your lips as he looked back down at you, “Why?”

“Because you’re not supposed to enjoy this,” his hand trailed over your cheek as his eyes dilated, “You’ve been very bad, talking about other men.”

You hummed, relishing in the way his touch felt on your skin, “I didn’t mean to – to make you mad…”

You bit your lip innocently as his hand cupped your chin, lightly squeezing your cheeks together, “You didn’t think I would get mad at the thought of someone else fucking you?”

An accidental moan flew out of you, you loved when he swore. The words sounded too crude and dirty coming from his pretty mouth.

“Didn’t think you’d care,” you tilted your head, trying to see how far you could rile him up, angry Shawn was the best in bed, “We’re not exclusive.”

He practically growled, his grip on your jaw tightening, “I don’t like sharing.”

Your eyes practically rolled back as he pressed his lips to yours again, his hands traveling down to grip your hips as he pushed himself against you.

The kiss was rougher than you were used to. More urgent and hasty, your teeth knocking against each other as he slipped his tongue into your mouth. You shivered as his large digits slipped under your shirt, traveling up your stomach.

You whined as you craved touching him, the fastens preventing you from doing so.

Shawn’s chest rumbled against you as he took two handfuls of fabric from your top, and pulled, practically ripping your shirt in half – exposing your lace- covered chest.

“Shawn!” You gasped, but he ignored you, not letting you separate your lips.

His hands were quick to unclasp your strapless bra, throwing it off the bed in mere seconds. You trembled as his hands traveled over your chest, taking your boobs into his large hands and massaging lightly.

You threw your head back as he began kissing down your jaw, your neck, your collarbone.

He took a nipple into his mouth, his tongue traveling over the sensitive skin as your back arched off the bed. Your wrists were beginning to burn as you pulled further and further from the bedposts – trying to get as close to him as possible.

“Shawn …” you said again, feeling him smirk against you as he continued his assault, licking and sucking until your tits were sore.

“Please.” You wanted him lower. You wanted him to see how much he affected you, how much your body craved his.

“Nu-uh sweetheart,” he shook his head as a mischievous smile formed, “No talking unless it’s my name.”

Your eyes widened at his request but you nodded nonetheless, eager to see what he had planned next.

His fingers wrapped around your hips, taking your skirt and pulling it down your legs, your bum lifting slightly as you helped him remove it.

Your panties were the next to go, the cold room chilling your core as Shawn opened your legs, exposing your wetness to him.

“Oh baby,” he moaned and soon he was lost in you.

He started off slow, kisses traveling up and down your thighs as he gripped them to ensure you couldn’t close them.

He knew how much you hated teasing, wanting to make this as painful for you as possible. You had to bit your lip to keep the frustration in.

“Shawn!” You squeaked, as his flushed lips finally touched your sensitive bud. He kissed it a few times, before settling down, sucking on it lightly.

Your eyes fluttered shut, pleasure coursing through you.

A sharp slap hit your inner thigh, your shocked gaze settling on the smirking man between your legs.

“Eyes open sweetheart,” he demanded, “Want you to see who’s making you feel good.”

You whined as his words, your wrists hurting again as you ached to touch him.

He was back to teasing, not about to forgive you for your slip up. He ran his tongue over your slit, your legs twitching as he held them down tighter. He brought a hand up, his fingers separating your folds.

“Such as pretty pussy,” he mumbled, leaning closer to kiss it again.

But that wasn’t what you needed, “Fingers, please.”

You felt him grumble against you as he slapped your thigh again, “What did I say, baby?”

You didn’t get a chance to reply – his warm body separating from you again as he leaned over to the nightstand. You felt excitement rush through you, you knew what he was reaching to get.

You smiled as he pulled out the small pink orb, the device he had bought you as a joke a few weeks ago.

“You’ve been so naughty,” he tutted, coming back to you, situating himself between your thighs again, “What happened to my sweet girl?”

You wanted to respond, wanted to tell him you were still his. Always his. But he had flipped the switch on the orb, pressing it to your bud, the vibrations spreading through you, making you unable to respond.

“I think I haven’t punished you enough,” he smirked, winking at you as you tried to calm your breathing, still struggling against the restraints on your wrists.

He bit his lip as he slowly pushed a finger into you, making you hiss as the pleasure increased.

“I don’t think you deserve to cum yet,” he hummed, making your eyes widen as you moaned, “Shawn …”

He shook his head, “I think three times should be enough.”

You shook your head, your legs shaking as he added another finger, beginning to pump faster. You knew he meant to edge you three times, before finally letting you release. You wanted to cry, your mind hazy as you felt yourself near your high.

You clenched around his fingers, ready to explode – when it stopped. You whined as he removed the orb and his fingers, bringing his digits up and slipping them into his mouth, sucking softly, “So fucking sweet.”

You threw your head back, your chest rising as you sighed, trying to contain the anger pulsing through you.

“Don’t be mad, sweetheart,” he bent over you, his hands coming up to lift your chin back up to him, forcing you to look at his teasing eyes, “You did this to yourself.”

You pouted, not wanting to say anything in fear of upsetting him further. You weren’t usually an obedient person, but there was something about Shawn that made you submit to him, let him ravish you whole.

He kissed you softly. His tongue traveled around you, exploring you until your head was spinning. You almost hated the effect he had over you.

His fingers found your folds again as you moaned into his mouth. He slipped his digits back inside you as he began to pump, his other arm wrapping around your waist to bring you flush against his chest.

“This pussy is mine. No one else’s.”

You moaned as he continued, “Only I can touch you like this. Only I can fuck you until the only thing you know is my name, understand?”

Your mind was so hazy from the pleasure that you could only nod, your body trembling as he quickened his pace.

“I said do you understand, sweetheart?”

“Y – yes,” you squeaked out, “I understand.”

“Say it,” he growled, his grip on your waist tightening.

“This pussy is yours. Only yours.”

“Damn right.”

His lips were back on yours, another heated kiss overtaking you as you melted into him. He had you wrapped around his finger and he knew it.

You could feel the familiar sensation spread through you as you pulled tighter against his tie, wanting to wrap your fingers in his curls as you came.

Shawn could sense that you were close, his fingers never slowing as he brought you closer to your release. You moaned his name loudly, your legs beginning to shake again as you pulled on the fabric around your wrists.

Shawn’s thumb was on your clit, trying to rub it as his fingers continued their assault. You screamed, the edge so close and suddenly your hands snapped free. The tie ripping as your wrists broke from the restraints.

Your eyes widened as his movements suddenly halted.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered as his narrowed eyes fell on you.

“No, you’re not.”

You bit your lip, knowing that he was right. But you couldn’t help but wonder if he wanted this to happen. He could have tied it tighter if he wanted.

“I’m not,” you nodded in agreement.

He gripped your hips, flipping your body until you were face down on the bed. You squealed as he slapped your ass, lifting you so you were on your hands and knees before him.

He bent over your body, his chest pressing into your back as he leaned toward your ear, “Then I’m going to have to fuck you until you are.”

You shivered at his words, your teeth digging into your bottom lip as you waited in anticipation.

His movements were agonizingly slow, his chest separating from you as he straightened up behind you. You could hear him unzip his pants, the bustle behind you indicating that he had stripped as well. You wanted to turn around, wanted to see him in his naked glory. Wanted to touch him, but you knew he wouldn’t allow it, so you waited patiently.

Everything was still for a moment, until you felt it.

Your head fell back as you felt his cock sliding through your folds, teasing you slowly.

“Shawnnn..” You whimpered, shaking your ass slightly as you heard him hiss behind you, grabbing your hips to steady you.

“You need to learn some patience, baby.”

You flinched as he slapped your ass, your body igniting as the slight pain spread through you. You wanted him. You wanted him bad.

“Please fuck me,” you couldn’t stop yourself from begging, needing him inside you, “Please Shawn – need you. Need your thick cock.”

You could feel his length twitch against your ass as you smirked, knowing how much he loved it when you spoke like this, “No one else can fuck me like you. Need you to come inside me. Please Sha – ”

He didn’t let you finish, his cock slipping into you, filling you to the brim as you both released loud moans. He stayed still for a moment, his fingers digging into your hips as he slowly slid out – before slamming inside again.

He set an agonizing pace, your head spinning as you tried to control your breathing.

He slowly began to move faster, his balls slapping against your ass as he rammed into you – the satisfying sound making you groan.

He slapped your ass again as your eyes shut, a single tear escaping from the overwhelming sensation.

You fell onto your elbows as you stuck your butt out, unable to stabilize yourself with the immense pleasure.

“Who’s making you feel this good?” He grunted as he began moving faster, his cock ramming into you at an ungodly speed.

“Y – you are.”

“Say my name.” He took a handful of your ass, kneading it in his grip, “Say it.”

“Shawn!” You shouted, your voice hoarse from all the sounds you were making.

He seemed to pick up the pace, one of his hands wrapping around to your front, latching to your sensitive bud as he quickly massaged it.

“Shawn!” You repeated, your legs trembling as you felt yourself reach your climax.

“That’s right, sweetheart,” his voice was tight, “Let the neighbors hear who’s fucking you this good.”

You were a stuttering mess, unintelligible sounds leaving your lips.

“You close baby?” He groaned, his fingers moving faster.

You nodded, your head spinning as you felt his dick twitch inside you. You silently prayed he would let you come, your toes curling as you almost reached that point.

“Come on then, baby,” his pace was relentless, never slowing, “Cum with me.”

You fell apart at his words, your legs shaking as you screamed.

The tightness of your cunt triggered his release, his cock squirting into you as he filled you with his seed.

You were a panting mess as you both fell onto the sheets, your sweaty bodies entangled, his dick still inside you.

You both lay still for a few moments until he separated from you, his cock sliding out, his juices dripping out of you.

You whined at the feeling, suddenly feeling empty.

He grabbed the towel he kept at his bedside, for moments like this, and slipped it between your legs, cleaning you out slowly.

You hummed, your eyes closed as you relished in his gentle movements.

He threw the towel into the hamper once he was done, his arms wrapping around your waist to turn you into him. You opened your eyes, smiling lazily – loving the flush on his face after he came.

“I love the way you look after I’ve fucked you,” he whispered, leaning forward to press a small kiss to your forehead.

You tensed up at this, he was never this caring after sex.

“Y/n?” He mumbled after a few seconds, your eyes flashing back up to his. His confident persona from seconds ago had seemingly vanished, “Are you really seeing other people?”

You bit your lip, your gaze traveling to his chest as you refused to meet his eyes, “No.”

You felt his arms tighten around you as he released a breath, “Why did you lie?”

You lightly traced his bicep as you tried to figure out the right way to phrase your words. Were you really about to tell him and ruin everything?

“I – I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

You exhaled, your mind racing a million miles a minute, “You were right. I was jealous.”

You could feel him tense against you, “W – why?”

You shrugged, “Because I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot.”

“Yes I am,” there was no turning back now, “I didn’t listen to you. I – I,” you inhaled, trying to collect your thoughts, “I tried so hard to listen. To accept that we were just doing this for fun. No feelings, you said. I – I fucked that up.”

He was silent for a second, his voice shaky as he spoke, “You have feelings for me?”

Yes, dumbass. You wanted to scream. You’re the epitome of perfection and if you can’t see how utterly in love with you I am then you need help.

You nodded instead, your eyes getting watery as you wished you were anywhere else.

“Please look at me, y/n.”

You shook your head, biting your lip as you attempted to compose yourself.

“Please, sweetheart.”

Your heart clenched at the pet name. This was probably the last time you were to hear it.

You obeyed, however, your gaze flickering up to yours, meeting his smiling face. Why was he smiling?

“I said no feeling because I didn’t think there was any chance in hell that someone as perfect as you would ever want anything more than sex with me,” he exhaled a shaky breath, “I thought you would only ever see me as a brainless musician. A good fuck. I did it to protect myself.”

“I soon realized how impossible that rule would become. I – I’m sorry for earlier and Tracy and not telling you sooner.”

Your heart was pounding in your chest as you processed his words, your eyes wide and questioning as he nodded with a smile, “I have feelings for you too. Have for a while – probably since the beginning.”

“Why – ” you swallowed, “Why didn’t you – ”

He chuckled lightly, “I’m an idiot.”

You rolled your eyes lightly, relishing in the look on his face as he watched you, “You’re not an idiot.”

You giggled lightly as his expression, his lips capturing yours, effectively silencing you.

You moaned into the kiss. It was slower than you were used to. So gentle, soft, like you were both exploring new territory.

He pulled away after a few seconds, his forehead resting against yours as he gazed down at you softly, “Does this make me your idiot?”

taglist: @spideyshcllands @musiclover1263 @tw-stydiaaf @alone-in-madness @egg-in-a-spork @yourwonderbelle

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lgbtyrus · 5 years

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Two Exes on Mars

A Tyrus fic where they’re aged up + broken up :) It will have a ‘happily ever after’, I promise. Note: IDK if you know your Andi Mack lore, but just in case, Shadyside is in a fictional US state called Midwest.

Part 1/? (I’m thinking 3 or 4)

Words: 2,668

He kissed him goodbye. It wasn’t even rainy or cloudy outside, much less foggy. It was super bright and sunny, and Cyrus could hear every single bird in Shadyside chirping as his now ex-boyfriend walked out the front door of his house. He waited until TJ was out of his driveway to shut the door and break out in tears, pressing his forehead and fist against his door.

Why? he wondered. Why? Why? Why?

But he knew why. He knew why TJ had let him go in the worst breakup in the world. He had tried to a week ago which led to Cyrus breaking down in front of him and ended up with them back together. But the tension between them was so obviously, and it lead to TJ’s horrible mood swings and random outbursts he never apologized for. It made Cyrus feel like crap. Then in the middle of the week, TJ tried breaking up with him over text. Cyrus ignored it, and TJ went over to his house the next day like nothing had happened. Not even three days later, TJ came over to break up him a third time. For good.

That just happened two minutes ago, and Cyrus silently let him leave this time. He shouldn’t have ever let him see him cry.

“You have to go to California, Cyrus,” TJ had told him, his eyes red and his hands clenching into tight fists. All Cyrus could do was stare at the floor. It’s not everyday you get a chance to go to USC, but it also meant leaving everyone you loved behind- including TJ. Him and TJ had been together since the 8th grade, and he had included TJ in all of his future plans. For him, being in a long distance relationship was a possibility, and he never thought TJ would be against it.

“I want to go to MSU,” Cyrus shook his head, refusing to look at him. TJ was going to MSU on a basketball scholarship, and yeah, they had a theatre and screenwriting, but it wasn’t USC. It was one of the hardest choices Cyrus had to make.

“You’re clearly lying, Cyrus,” TJ let out a frustrated sigh, “I know when you’re lying.” It’s true, he did. His hands always instinctively went inside a pocket, and Cyrus has never been able to stop it. “Cyrus. I know I’m the main reason why you want to stay in Midwest, but I want you to go to USC. It’s what you want.”

“Does that mean we have to break up, though?” Cyrus asked him sadly, his voice quiet. TJ ran his fingers through his blonde hair and let out a deep breath.

“We’d be doing long distance for four years, Cyrus. I don’t want to hold you back from being at your prime if you’re moping around missing me the entire time.”

“Are you just saying this because you’re the one that’s not going to be fine?” There wasn’t even a pause.

“Yes, Cyrus!” TJ said loudly, startling Cyrus. “I can’t spend four years of my life being sad because I miss you all the time, but I also can’t live with the guilt I’m going to feel if you don’t go to USC. This entire situation is driving me insane, and I really think breaking up is the best way to go.”

“You honestly think that?” Cyrus frowned, looking right up at him. He didn’t want to break down like he did the first time. “You’re just giving up? Not even giving long distance a try. After five years, TJ?”

TJ shamefully looked away before saying, “I love you, Cyrus. But I think it’d hurt less to let you go.”

“How?” Cyrus’ voice started to tremble as he spoke in complete disbelief, “How can you even say you love me right now?” TJ didn’t say anything. He just slowly walking up to Cyrus, each step taking its own time before cupping his face in his hands and kissing him softly.

TJ pulled away, whispering, “Bye, Cyrus.”

Cyrus was now sitting on his bedroom floor, playing music louder than his occasional sob. Andi and Buffy were on their way, but until then, it was him, and a lone polaroid picture he had of him and TJ on their first Valentine’s Day together right in front of him. Him and TJ were sitting on one side of the booth at The Spoon while Marty and Buffy sat on the other side. TJ had his arms around him and was smiling in to his cheek, leaving a very fluttered Cyrus to be captured forever.

“Cyrus!” someone yelled out from downstairs. “We’re here.”

“Upstairs!” Cyrus yelled out, his voice slightly cracking. He hadn’t spoken since TJ left, and his throat hurt. He was glad he left the door unlocked for them because he didn’t have the energy to move.

Andi peaked her head through his bedroom door, frowning when she saw him, “Hi, Cyrus.”

“Hey,” Cyrus waved, “come in.” He hadn’t seen Andi in about three weeks was she was getting busy with her senior art project for SAVA. He loved her for being here during a busy time. Buffy trailed in behind Andi with two loaded grocery bags.

“We brought ice cream and pie,” Buffy held the bags up. “We stopped by your kitchen to get utensils.”

“Thank you because I was not going to move,” Cyrus said. Andi and Buffy sat down on each side of him and rested their heads on his shoulder.

“You can cry if you want,” Andi told him.

“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, “we bought three tissue boxes.”

“I’ve been crying for like an hour, and I’m just tired of it at this point. But this is also probably just the start,” Cyrus mumbled. “How am I supposed to accept that someone I talked to everyday for five years is leaving my life?”

“I know it hurts, Cyrus,” Buffy whispered. “But you’re stronger than you think. You’re going to get through this. Trust me. I’m always right.”

“I know you are,” Cyrus smiled slightly. “You know what sucks the most though?”

“What?” they asked in unison.

“We already have matching tuxedos from prom.” -

Cyrus and TJ showed up with new tuxedos to prom. Andi herself made Cyrus a brand new one. The according to different sources, both Cyrus and TJ had both begged Gus to cancel their Prom Court nomination. Gus thought it was funny until Buffy stepped in, and he got scared.

Cyrus and TJ didn’t sit together at lunch anymore or do homework together or visit the swing sets every Tuesday after TJ got out of tutoring. Cyrus submitted his paperwork to attend USC in the fall and according to Amber who was at Shadyside’s community college, TJ was going to go to MSU to play for their basketball team. Buffy and Marty would be seeing him at MSU seeing they got track scholarships.

Cyrus cried every night for the rest of the school year after finishing his homework because he worked to hard to have his GPA suffer over a boy who clearly didn’t care if he fell apart. He sometimes sat in the bathtub and let music fill his whole bathroom and no matter what, every single song would remind him of TJ. Of course, that was his fault for playing the playlists TJ had made him on Spotify. He wondered if he could see that he was listening to them. He hoped he did.

Cyrus didn’t have any communication with TJ since the last texts he sent him. It was a 2AM on a Saturday night, about three weeks since the breakup. He felt horrible and didn’t know how to stop crying. Even though Buffy had told him to call him whenever, he couldn’t keep dumping everything on her.

Cyrus: hey tj I hope im not waking u up idk if you still have your phone set so that u only get text alerts from me but I just wanted to say that I miss you.

Cyrus: I miss you so much tj idk what to do without you. Everything hurts all the time and I just want to talk to you and hear you voice even if we cant date anymore please talk to me. Please be my friend again tj we were best friends for 5 years we work so good together

Cyrus: I love you. I think that ill always be in love with you.

TJ: Goodnight Underdog.

Cyrus didn’t remember what time he went to sleep, but he felt like he cried for hours after that. The pain in his chest beat him up completely until he was too weak to flip his pillow to the dry side.

At their graduation, Cyrus gave a speech and then walked off stage to everyone in the auditorium clapping. It felt surreal. When he looked up smiling, out of all of the people he saw in the sea of graduates, he saw TJ clapping. He had his lip curled up in one corner which showed that he was on the verge of tears. That was the only time that night Cyrus wanted to cry.

A month into USC and without a doubt, Cyrus was homesick and probably depressed. He had made a great group of friends that were similar to him and super positive. He appreciated them, but 8 out of 10 times, they could never convince him to leave his room. He just stayed in and did homework and work on his script. It was about a man who gets his heart shattered and decided to move to Mars as part of a science experiment and when he’s already in space, he realize that his ex is one of the 100 people on board. Things quickly escalate. His friends loved the scripts and always asked to read updates, but he still sent snippets to Bex because he missed her.

It had been months since the breakup with TJ that happened late April. He should be over it now, he thought a lot of the time. But it still hurt. TJ really shot a hole in his heart and there was nothing he could do about it. He didn’t cry everyday like he used to. But every other few weeks, he snuck into the bathroom to cry so his roommate wouldn’t see. It was embarrassing to admit.

Cyrus kept things in a rotation. Script, class, eat, homework, sometimes friends, and sleep. It was hard to stay happy and to enjoy himself. It was hard to feel like he was living through something when he’s been dead inside for months. With Halloween coming up, he felt even worse. He’s never not had anyone to match costumes with. For five years, him and TJ did a couple’s costume and before that, him, Buffy, and Andi always had something up their sleeves. He missed all of them.

Then one day, his roommate let one of his friends into their dorm room. His roommate was part of his friend group, so there was that. Cyrus was working on his infamous script and didn’t even get a text that he was coming. Usually, he said no, though. “Hey, Rich,” Cyrus said as he walked in.

“Hey, Cy,” he said. “I was in the building and wanted to drop by.”

“Why’d you text Karson and not me?” Cyrus asked.

“You always say no.”

“True. Anyways, what’s up?”

“We need one more person for our Halloween costume. It’s Full House. We need an Uncle Jesse. You in?”

“Yeah,” Cyrus grinned, “of course.”

“Damn,” his friend Bogie said. “That TJ foo fucked you up bad, huh?” All eight of them were sitting around a bonfire before Thanksgiving break. It had been a long night of confessions and telling each other things not a lot of other people knew. Somehow in the moment, Cyrus spent thirty minutes telling them the becoming and downfall of him and TJ. Rich had convinced him to go to therapy on campus early November, and Cyrus wished he had gone sooner. It was getting so much easier to be around his friends and have open conversations.

“Yeah,” Cyrus admitted. “I cried everyday for months. I still cry sometimes.”

“Is that why you spend forever in the bathroom?” Karson asked him. Cyrus nodded.

“Damn, Cy,” Roxana mumbled, “no wonder you were so distant at the beginning of the school year. I thought you were just stuck up, but I guess I was wrong. I’m glad you trust us now, though.”

“Me, too,” Cyrus said.

“So, this TJ,” Bogie asked, “what’s he up to?”

“Besides knowing that he plays basketball for Midwest State U, I have no idea. I haven’t talked to him since I last texted him after the breakup. I’m still good friends with his sister, but she never says anything.”

“Dang, so he’s a baller?” Bogie asked.

“Probably just getting fucked up at parties,” Mikhenna suggested. Cyrus didn’t respond. He just shrugged.

“Do you still love him?” Roxana asked him.

“I don’t think so,” Cyrus shook his head. “I’d be stupid to. But thanks for listening, guys. I feel a lot better. I feel like I belong and that I can finally move on.”

Cyrus didn’t see the point of flying all the way back home for a week long break, so he decided to stay behind in California and take a train to his aunt and uncle’s place. They had a daughter that thirteen and always had juicy middle school drama.

When he was laying down on the bed of the guest room, his phone started vibrating. Buffy was on Facetime, and he answered immediately saying, “Hey, Buff.”

“Hey, Cyrus,” Buffy grinned widely before switching the camera, “look who’s with me!”

Andi waved at the camera, “Hey, Cyrus!”

“Andi,” Cyrus grinned. “How are you? We haven’t talked in like four days.”

“I know right,” Andi laughed. “I’m fine. What about you?”

“I’m good, I’m good,” he said before registering completely that Andi was in Shadyside. “Wait,” he paused, “aren’t you supposed to be in Pennsylvania?”

“Yeah but a professor died, so they gave us two weeks off instead of three days and just postponed winter break.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“I have no idea who he is,” Andi shrugged. “But where are you?”

“With my dad’s sister and her family. I’m just chilling and eating home made food before I go back,” Cyrus smiled. Andi moved over to sit next to Buffy and Cyrus noted that they were at the Mack’s place.

“So enough of that,” Buffy said and then looked at Andi who gave her a stern look. “Come on, let me tell him.”

“Well now you have to tell him,” Andi rolled his eyes.

“That’s very true,” Cyrus agreed.

“I know,” Buffy smirked. “That’s why I said that. Anyways,” she looked right at the camera, “we went to the mall with Amber in her car, but it broke down in the parking lot when we were leaving. She had to call TJ to come pick us up, which was already awkward enough because I always ignore him at school, but I was like whatever, it’s a twenty minute drive. Then in the car, literally, this man, I mean, boy, can ask any question. Any question in the world. Preferably, one directed at his sister, like you know, has your car been acting funky for a while? But he asks me and Andi, ‘How is Cyrus doing?’” Cyrus’ heart dropped. He hasn’t heard anything about TJ in so long he’s forgotten how to react.

“What did you say?” Cyrus asked nervously.

“I said that I charge $50 per fact,” Buffy said, “and he didn’t say anything else.”

“That’s weird,” Cyrus frowned. “I wonder why he doesn’t just ask Amber. I literally call her once a week, every Tuesday.”

“No idea,” Buffy said. “But maybe she just doesn’t answer him for the same reasons I didn’t.”

“Which are?”

“We love you.”

anyways follow my main @webarebares <3 thank you for reading! feel free to send asks if something was confusing or if a typo was horrible or just because. i luv u.

#shoosh star #stars writing #andi mack #tyrus #kind of lol #im just a sucker for angst and cant help writing it whenever i can

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transdib · 4 years

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i feel so endlessly frustrated at myself because i can see the patterns of my thoughts, know the logical and practical steps i need to take in order to fix them, and i just...cant do it. i acknowledge that these feelings cycle; im a sucker for nostalgia. i look at all of these things ive shared with my friends, all these memories and selfies and fun times, and i know i can have that again. and i know that i just look at these things and think that “things were better then”, because its so easy to trick yourself into thinking that when all youre seeing is a condensed collection of happy times. i think 2016. that was easily one of the worst years of my life, or at least the ones with the most changes. it was the 180 flip from child to adult, the year i lost so much of my identity, and gained a new one. i was mentally and physically a completely different person by the end of that year. and yet, i look through these photos tonight and see just how many jokes and fond memories i shared with my friends. maybe because i was 19/20, i still had that immaturity about me so i was able to let loose. maybe being isolated inside for 2+ months has made these selfies sting more. maybe i miss when we were all in school and not at work, when we could all plan get-togethers a little easier. idk.

but this wasnt meant to be a nostalgia rant, but its definitely triggered those thoughts.

because in all these group selfies i saw tonight i saw how insanely different i looked within a year. it was when i developed my starving-orientated disordered eating, it was when i came out as trans and so changed my hair and wardrobe. 2016 was fucking wild. and i saw glimpses of how i used to be, and how despite being in so much pain, that was the year i took a leap and finally did something for myself that would set me up for success, rather than failure. and i dont do that for myself often. and im prouod of younger me for doing that.

because it shows that, no matter how much pain i have continuously been in for almost my entire llife, that i can take steps to improving my life. even though coming out as trans is not the same as confronting trauma, i think living as a truer reflection of who i am has definitely helped me feel more comfortable and confident.

and i want to lose weight again, because the confidence i radiated at my peak ED/lowest weight was unmatched to antyhing ive ever felt before. Ive gained a bit of the weight back (which funny enough since being on hrt i still look different/different weight distribution), but i want to lose it again in a healthy way. and i know i have to get out of my feedback loops and actualy work for it, as hard as fuck as it may be.

i dunno man. im nearly 24. i know thats still 6 years left of my 20s, but if ive learned anything from the past few years, its that they go by fast and i will be pushing 30 before i know it. and i dont want to be fucking 30 years old and still not have worked myself out. i mean, its ok if me or others havent, but i just. i dont know. i dont want to turn 30 and say “aha cool thats 20 years i have been extremely suicidal and self harming and full of trauma and brain rot”

which is why, as hard as it is, im really trrying to get the ball rolling on geting diagnosed with whatever-the-fuck-i-have. getting the ball rolling for me has taken ...well...ive received it, convinced myself its not worth it, and stop it. i cant keep running away from help. its discouraging when your professional is a bit shit so. idk. i know ya gotta keep trying.

i need to start an exercise routine, just doing my daily walks again would help so much, because my body is in so much pain from a sedentary lifestyle.

the most ive done is actually start drawing daily, which was previously really hard for me to do. im proud of myself for that. i want to release my webcomic, i want to consistently do commissions, and i cant do any of my artistic goals with my previous workflow i only have just managed to improve on.

and thats the hardest thing about being mentally ill. you have to put more effort in to survive, the odds are stacked against you, and you have to set up and stick to methods that’ll help, even though that means fighting against symptoms that discourage and impact u so severely. and it also means some days you cant fight it, and you have to give up. relapse happens. im just tired OF it happening.

though, i thankfully feel different. as a teen, i felt there was no way out besides suicide, as a fresh adult i realized there is hope, and i have ambitions and something to give to this world, but i was still very suicidal, and still lived wallowing and unable to get out. but as a young adult, i know i have to set up my life now to pave the path for the future. ive always been screaming for a release,and that release used to be suicide. now? my release is mental wellness. and fuck, its the much harder path to take. bpd, cptsd, whatever, it rots my brain and drags me down and makes me act on bad habits and behaviours, but dammit. one day im going to get that release.

maybe not all of it, maybe not till im 40.

but one day.

im going to look back and see how i am now as how i used to be, not what i still am.

maybe one day i’ll experience that release..

#life of doge #suicide ED stuff like that as a warning #this is a long one sorry #these long ass blog entires have made me realise how much i miss tumblr #and that twitter has hindered my ability to say everything i want #and its been like that for a few years #so im sorta bursting at the seams of things to say and express #so there might be a few long ones for a while maybe...#maybe i should use tumblr more for this stuff.....

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ayyponine · 5 years

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ugh ew last week i had a big argument w my dad bc he had been pushing stuff on me re: my mental health, trying to force me into shit that he thought was best fr me even though it clearly wasnt v well thought through and even highly unhealthy & inconvenient fr me personally & when i tried to explain all this he’d be like “... i just don’t understand why you’re so unwilling to do this for me >:/” im like :))))))))))))

so last week (at our standard once a week like 1 hr meal hangout) i tried to get through to him again but it just ended w me crying my fucking eyes out & him yelling because im “being stubborn and don’t WANT to get better” which was like.... i mean i was already feeling 1. constantly guilty abt not making quick progress & still being kind of a mess 2. hurt and betrayed w him trying to push actions on me after i tried to explain frm my own knowledge and experience why that was absolutely not a good idea but to then hear that kind of shit was like ok great. im never opening up & being vulnerable to you again. which ive already found out also makes him angry but at least it’s better than this. i’d rather get scolded fr only sticking to superficial comments than be forced into facing painful & triggering shit at a public restaurant or while stuck in a car w him while he gets frustrated, offended & outraged eg @ me disagreeing with him on my personal progress and what’s the best course of action or approach

he sent an email after like “oh i only want what’s best for you, this is really hard for me, much to my regret ive now cancelled this arrangement i made as you asked, i think it’s better we see each other less now since this is all asking so much of us both” im just like. these are problems that you low key created tho man..... idk tbh i still feel like i handled that conv to my best ability. i explained my part, was open abt my feelings & was considerate & respectful twrds his pov. i think it might be possible that im just like. better at interpersonal communication than my parents are and sometimes that just means there’s nothing left to do but just leave it & accept theres nothing you can do to make them understand. anyway tmrw’s his birthday and im so fucking tempted to just not even send him a text tbh bc im so Tired and still so anxious and hurt over the way he spoke to me when he was so obviously in the wrong to try and assert dominance in a sensitive situation hes clearly no fucking expert in but 1. hes already got One shit daughter and i cant be like her, i cant be put on that same level 2. i /know/ he’d only use that as further validation of how much He is suffering under what i’m Doing to him (by being mentally ill) so it’s like. no /i’m/ the one who’s fucking struggling here and it’s messed up that i tell him he’s hurt me & then he’s the one like “oh youre hurting ME by saying ive hurt you, anyway let’s not talk about this anymore & let’s not meet up this week bc i need some time to myself to think this all over”. yah he didnt see me all week and ive been feeling so fucking anxious abt him cutting off that contact. and it pisses me off that i now have to be nice and at least wish him a happy birthday when deep down, very cautiously still since im not used to standing up fr myself, i KNOW i’m in the right and im not the one who should hand that olive branch as a sort of apology from my side when he’s the one who crossed a very serious line and damaged my ability to trust him. but yeah ill probably send it even tho i dont want to and dont rlly know how i’ll have to phrase it but yknow, what can ya do

#personal ranting feel free to skip

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housecfgold · 5 years

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HEY EVERYONE, i’m admin birdy & i’m so excited to have you all here ! and also i’d like to introduce my baby to you guys ! and let know that i only have a few wcs for this one because idk, he’s new in town and also i’m both lazy & without ideas ! but i’m up to everything you guys want, so hmu or like this post that i’ll, eventually, crash into your IMs and we can brainstorm together !

* ♡ ˙ ˖ / matthew daddario + cis male + he/him. — did you know idris’s real name is idris henderson? oh yeah, they are a thirty year old football player known as the reveller that has been in town for four days. this pansexual leo can be sociable + confident, as well as careless + sarcastic. i hear their soulmark is the big dipper constellation on the back of his neck, and their soulmate looks like dominic sherwood. muscles stretching, empty alcohol bottles, thunderstorms in the middle of the night.

( suicide tw ) ; ( drug tw - ish ) !!!

it is safe to say that idris’ life started in a hard way. he was born and raised in denver, colorado , alongside a younger brother and their mother, a woman long ago consumed by a hard life. his father was never around and from an early age he had to understand the challenges life would bring. his mother had come from the same humble origins and never had a chance to grow in life, leaving her limited to a small job with an even smaller salary ― far from being enough to support her and two children. idris constantly watched the woman stop eating for two or three days, so he and his brother could have three full meals over the same period.

over the course of a few years, the situation only worsened for the family. his mother lost her job and, already tired of her life, couldn’t stay in any other for long. at the age of sixteen idris even tried to help and break his time between school, a job and the only privilege that allowed to have in his life; football was his sweet scape. while in the field he was able to forget about all his problems, his poor family and the prospects of a broken future with little to no opportunities ahead of him. maybe because of talent or even effort that idris used to dedicate to the sport, he eventually stood out.

idris was eighteen and in the final days of high school when he received the news that synthesized the only chance he would get to not only follow his dream, but also help his mother and brother to lead a better life; he had, somehow, managed to qualify for the university of colorado’s football program, with a full scholarship. his mother, however, would never know about that. already tired of an existence that bordered the misery, she chose to take her own life and finally be able to rest. shock and sadness almost made him give up on his own dreams, but idris's brother, who had displayed a strength he did not know it even existed, made him move on with the scholarship.

for the next few years, idris tried his best to keep himself into his college & football routine and also be a good brother, since both boys were all what was left of the impaired family. he never came to graduate from college since, after four years of hard study and frequent participation in the college football league, idris made the official petition to enter the nfl drafts early. for his surprise the petition was accepted and he was drafted by a big team who had him on their radar for a while already. trying his best as never before, he proved to be both talented & hardworking and it was just a matter of time until he started to stand out in the field.

fame and money came fast for the young player; his life now seemed to be stable and promising. his only concerns were to stand out more & more, and to attend most of the great parties for which he was invited. everything was finally easy ― but it wouldn’t stay that way for long. years after he had finally become a professional football player, the disaster hit idris in the form of two men from the opposing team, in one of the first games of the season. he suffered gruesome injuries to his knee and ankle, leaving him out for the rest of the games and undergoing two surgeries to try to fix what had been broken by the accident while no one knew if idris would ever return to the fields.

idris was really shaken by everything that happened, afraid of losing everything he had conquered over the years. the treatments were difficult physically & mentally, and the physiotherapy was painful, but the biggest problem he faced came in another form; the small pills designed to lessen his pain created a dangerous dependence, that threatened his career much more than the injuries. it took a few months until someone finally noticed idris' addiction and he was officially temporarily removed from the next season not only because of his knee or ankle, but in order to treat himself and get back to what he was before everything.

however, a strange supplicating pressure caused him to drop every kind of new treatment for his addiction before it even started. it was a weird, uncontrollable feeling that wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard he tried ― and he tried hard. the strange sensation consumed all his thoughts and even his dreams, until idris found himself in the middle of the night driving for hours on end ‘till he finally reached jericho, where he knew nothing and no one; nor what had brought him to the tiny town.

HOLY SHIT, this ended up to be huge, so long story short: idris was born very poor, had a shitty childhood. has one younger brother and loves him dearly. had a hardworking mother that took her own life when he was eighteen. got a footbal l scholarship, managed to become a professional football player and never graduated from college because of that. he suffered an injury to the knee and ankle that took him out of the season and left him addicted to pain medication. he never got to start rehab, though, because he felt the strange need to go to jericho, where he's been for four days. and this is where our story begins !

idris' personality is very expansive and confident. he is rarely insecure about something and, when it happens, he tries to hide behind several layers of his other traits. idris is a very intense ( and ends up being careless about himself because of it ) man and he normally tends to devote himself to things & people with impressive ease ― but he is also known for quickly getting tired and bored of both things just as easily. he constantly varies between the arrogance acquired by the past years surrounded by money & fame, and humility typical of those who grew up knowing the meaning of necessity & poverty. idris rarely is aggressive or hostile toward others and often silently directs these feelings to himself; he frequently overcharges himself and becomes undeniably frustrated when he fails to achieve his goals. the football player is a very sociable man and makes friends with ease. he doesn’t like to stay home, doing nothing, although the accident has made him ( almost ) used to the stillness.

#jericho.intro #︲「 ɪᴅʀɪs ╳ BARBED WIRE HALO 」INTRO .

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changji · 5 years

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Here we go I’m finally continuing our convo from like,, last week LOL but anyway 4-5k for an apartment I’m HOLLERING (yes i did it so you’d laugh) I’ve never lived in an apartment before but I’m pretty sure that’s really expensive for one sksks. Also personal chromebooks? My school literally can’t relate we share them with the rest of the students in the school. Tbh I don’t remember much from twilight so I’ll agree w you so that we don’t fight 🥺🥺

I normally go ham when I’m in a pool,, like I’ll start off w my hair up bc I don’t wanna get it wet but when I leave the pool everywhere is soaked. I haven’t played chicken in years?? Oml last time I played I was on my cousins shoulders and I was Puny. Haha most ppl are like “it can’t be that cold here right” and I’m “oh no it gets COLD” which I hate (but it’s colder in the territories so I’m thankful for where I’m at)

I’d rather it be hotter than colder bc at least there’s ac. I mean there’s heat but at least I can still walk outside without snow and ice everywhere. Don’t even get me started on freezing rain and winter tires and shovelling snow and OEUFIHD as you can see I hate the winter here. Tim hortons is so good I literally inhale iced capps 24/7. They’re pretty much blended frozen coffee but it tastes a lot better than it sounds!! I like to think of it as the Canadian pride and joy

I’ve actually never had timmies canned coffee… i’ve had the keurig pods things but they don’t taste as good as getting them from an actual timmies. But hey you never know maybe we will drink from ice bergs one day LOL. I’ll never back out from being your soulmate we’re literally meant To Be 😤😤 iced blonde vanilla lattes are so Good I’d probably inhale them as much as I do with iced capps if they weren’t so expensive

I didn’t even know that milk was a good portion of the drink,, when I saw a starbucks barista fill my cup with 80% milk I was like “hold up what” Your smoothies must be really good if your family specifically wake you up so that you can make them some hhh baker arella? More like smoothie expert arella. i usually make smoothies with whatever works and is in my fridge, but mango will always have my heart

People who eat pancakes plain should be banned from the world that’s disgusting,, you’re literally eating cooked flour,,,,,, I actually haven’t had waffles in 4 years oopsFrench is a mandatory course in grade 9 where I live but then after that you can choose if you wanna continue it or not. ASL classes seem so cool, I would totally take it if it were an option here. German & Japanese seem so hard; I look at the words and here ppl speaking it and I’m like ??? woah okay what’s happening

I’m terrible at English too, but then again I suck at every language? Is that even possible?? Jisung’s literally talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular skskdkf I am a Chan stan but Jisung wrecks me SO hard I can’t with this man. Pls don’t hurt my head too much with the fic I only have one braincell left bit ilyt 🥺 now I wanna try peet’s but I’m probably not going to the US for a hot minute 😔😔

(AJSDHJF I HIT THE LIMIT OF ASKS IM CRYINF) I saw what happened with ur Jisung drawing and I feel your frustration?? I was drawing a photo for an English presentation on photoshop and instead of closing my reference photo tab I closed the drawing (and i didn’t save it beforehand) so I lost the entire thing. Just thinking about it again makes me So Mad like,, how dumb can I be I literally can’t believe I did that!!

School sucks the life outta me I’m dreading going back and school starts in a little over a month? Fav vampire fic PLS I’m honoured. We fr out here as coffee soulmates look at us go 🤧👊

it’s so expensive like. whomst. I LOVE IT WHEN PPL SAY HOLLERING ITS SO FUNNY (ur so cute ily). living in an apartment is just Constant Stress esp bc i always accidentally slam a door open and make a hole in the wall and we have to pay but like i never learn LOL. the chrome books suck tho 😪 i would never fight w u LOL but i love twilight hhhh

today i just learned what “go ham” means like. i never knew. idk if i’m uncultured or ur weird (BUT ACCORDING TO CHAN WEIRS IS GOOD AND HES RIGHT.) i hate swimming sksks i burn easily and im Not here for it. i see why u would prefer the heat esp w snow, but i don’t have snow so i like winter LOL. i feel like i would die if i had to shovel snow like. i tried gardening and i gave up in .2 seconds. it was tough.

ooh an ice capp is like a frappuccino? i used to love them but they became too sweet. i believe in lattes and lattes only. keurig never tastes as good as the OG, i’ve had starbucks, dunkins, and peet’s keurig cups but it’ll never live up 😪 u r my soulmate and i snatched u, u can’t leave even if u wanted. period. LATTES ARE EXPENSIVE like. i pay $6.70 or smth like that bc of the vanilla flavoring and the extra shots. makes me wanna yeet myself off a bridge but there aren’t lattes in hell.

RIGHT omg the first time i saw them make it i was like. where r u giving me a cup of MILK but it tastes good so it’s okay. my stomach has not been cooperating and hurts whenever i get normal milk so i have to ask for almond and pay an extra 25 cents. like damn i $7 for a cup of coffee. but it’s okay it’s still good 🤧

& SMOOTHIE MASTER ARELLA HHHH my family is also Lazy like. it’s not hard to make a smoothie u FOOLS but i mean ig. they’ll just be hoes and force me to make them 😤 but it’s fine bc when i make the smoothies i’m let off of washing dishes 🤪

if u eat a pancake plain ur wrong on so many levels. it’s so painful to see. like. WHY. and cooked flour,,,, ada ur so funny omg waffles are so good like. it’s crispy but pancakes get soggy and it’s Gross. not here for it

i suck @ all languages too like grammar who? i only know keyboard smashes and incoherent screams. jisung is amazing and i love him w my whole soul. he’s such a good wrecker like whY are u so perfect?? i was bin biased but jisung came and made me double biased 🤧 i’m unloyal.

i don’t believe in no brain cells i believe in broken hearts and that’s what this fic is going for. angst angst and angst. i’ll send u peet’s and u send me tim hortons i look forward to gross and melted coffee 🤪

WLSKKSSK TUMBLR RLY OUT HERE UR SO CUTE AHHH i screamed for a good 5 minutes. i’m still upset. like. why did i do this to myself arella u big dumb. omg and did u save urself for the presentation? it’s worse for u bc like. it’s for school 😔 we can be dumb hoes together it’s okay

OVER A MONTH WHEN DO U START i have 2 weeks and a half. 3 weeks? i start on a thursday which is weird but Go Off. i’m gonna drop a class i’m not up for 7 classes esp w an AP and 3 honors 🤧 why did i take those classes i’m actually an idiot hhhhh

i stan ada and ada only (jk binsung but yk what they don’t count) stan TALENT my coffee soulmate ily

#gonna put a read more bc long long post oops #also like. do u have a dog or a cat or like a pet idk #queen ada 💞#mutuals #asks

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dr-gloom · 5 years

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The Makings of Greatness: Chapter 14

Fandom: Sanders’ Sides

Pairing: platonic logince, platonic moxiety, platonic anxeit, familial ThVi

Tags/Warnings (for this chapter): hostages, steampunk tech, deceit (hes in like every chapter idk if i really need to mention him up here if im tagging him?)

Ko-fi

AO3

Masterlist

Prologue Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8 Ch 9 Ch 10 Ch 11 Ch 12 Ch 13 Ch 14 Ch 15 Ch 16 Ch 17

Virgil climbed back up through the porthole into Patton’s home, pulling Patton out after him. He holds the map in his hand, smiling down at it, and makes his way over to where Logan and Roman were laying down when he left. The light has long since disappeared for the night and the two adults had turned off the lamp, likely to sleep, so the entirety of the inside of Patton’s home was bathed in shadows. Virgil doesn’t pay it any mind as he rushes over to where he sees a vague lump in the dark; Roman and Logan, likely asleep.

“Doc, wake up. I got the map!”

The lump shifts, a hand reaching out. It’s only when the hand is exposed by a small beam of natural light that Virgil notices it’s not Logan’s hand, but by then it’s too late and the robotic appendage is prying the orb out of Virgil’s hand. Declan sits up, smirking at Virgil from just outside the soft beam of light, his face barely visible but the red of his eye shining bright. “Fine work, Virg-o.”

Virgil’s eyes widen and a muffled cry catches his attention, drawing his gaze away from the cyborg. His eyes are starting to get used to the darkness inside the structure, so he can just make out Logan and Roman tied up and gagged, struggling against the two pirates holding them in place. Sneers and taunts start to echo from all around the room and Virgil looks around as the rest of the crew show themselves, slowly surrounding the teen. He runs, but four-arms and purple-guy grab his arms and pull him back, keeping him in place. Virgil grunts in pain when the motion pulls painfully at his shoulders, his eyes darting around for something, anything, and his heart beating so hard he’s sure they can hear it. He tries to pull out of their grip, but four-arms’ tentacle arms wrap more securely around one of Virgil’s arms and purple-guy grips Virgil’s other arm more securely, effectively pinning him in place.

Morph gives himself sharp teeth, flitting down to purple-guy’s weird, fat, lizard-like tail and biting it hard. The alien’s tail swats him like a bug and he splatters against the floor before reforming and ducking into Virgil’s pocket with a scared whimper.

“What’s this?” The female pirate maneuvers around Patton before grabbing him around the middle with one arm, using the other to stay… standing? Can it be called standing when your hands are your feet? Who cares. Patton makes a surprised sound and turns his head to look at her as she bounces up to free her other hand, landing on the spherical opening of the manhole. She jabs a bony finger against his metal face, making him flinch. “Stick of metal.” She grumbles.

“Ah! Not the face!” Patton pleads.

Declan saunters up to Virgil, who’s still trying in vain to free himself. “You’re just like me, Virg-o. You hate losing.” Virgil scowls up at him, still fighting the two aliens’ hold, and Declan takes a step back, tossing the map between his hands before taking it and turning it over, looking over its surface. He tries to press it in random places, to twist the metal, but nothing happens. He frowns with slight irritation and changes his hand into the contraption he uses to break eggs, but they can’t find an opening. He switches to the clamp, grips, and twists, but the sphere doesn’t shift, twist, or change in any way. He growls low in his throat, mouth pulled into a grimace and eyes narrowed down at the orb. Declan looks over at Virgil, who’s smirking up at him and shaking his head, and that sets the cook off.

The two crewmen holding him back let to, and Declan grabs the front of Virgil’s shirt, lifting him into the air. “You think this is funny, do you? I should gut you all for the trouble you’ve caused!”

Virgil’s smirk slips away, and he can feel himself trembling just slightly. Declan feels it too, and shoves the orb at Virgil, letting his shirt go. Virgil lands on his feet with a soft grunt and catches the orb. “Open it!” He changes his clamp into a gun and points it at Logan and Roman. “Now!” He bellows, eye glowing red. Virgil looks to the two adults with wide eyes. Roman looks more than a little miffed with Declan, shaking his head emphatically. Virgil knows he’d rather die than let a pirate get their hands on the treasure. Logan, however, is nodding. Figures. A cowardly scientist to the end.

Virgil turns back to Declan, glaring up at him as he presses into the right circles and twists the orb without breaking eye contact once. The orb clicks and whirs quietly, soft blue-green light spilling out of it to fill the room around them. It settles into the green hologram of the very planet they’re on, the pirates letting out stunned and awed sounds at the sight. Declan grins, his eyes alight. It makes Virgil’s stomach churn.

Suddenly, the hologram all but dissolves, changing from a planet to a sort of green string, stretching out the front entrance of Patton’s hideaway and to the left. Declan races to the opening and peers out, watching the green light extend into the darkness. He laughs with delight. Finally. Finally, the fruits of his labors were within reach. He glances over his shoulder at his men. “Tie him up, and leave him with the others to-“ The light suddenly starts disappearing, being sucked back into the room and back into the map. Declan whirls around and glares at Virgil. Virgil glowers at him defiantly.

“You want the map, you’re taking me with you.”

Declan growls, his red eye locked on Virgil. Then he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and smiles. When he opens his eyes, the robotic one is glowing golden once again. His smile melts into a serious, flat expression. “We’ll take them all.”

The skiff races after the green trail of mist-like light, trying to keep up with its finite trail. As the end dissipates into mist, the front extends; a mechanism surely invented that way to keep someone from following, in the event that was likely to happen. Flint was a very cautious – and very smart – man.

Roman and Logan watch worriedly from the back of the skiff, ignoring the guns pointed at them in favor of Virgil. Declan has his arm slung across Virgil’s shoulders, holding him close with a triumphant grin, looking for all the world like a father making a proud discovery with his son, rather than a manipulative pirate threatening a teenage boy into giving him what he wants. Patton stands not far off, not deemed enough of a threat to be tied up and held at gunpoint like the two aliens.

As soon as they land, Declan is stepping out of the skiff and onto mossy ground. The trail continues forward, but the canopy has grown too dense for the solar sail to absorb any light, so the rest of their trip will have to be on foot. Purple-guy stays behind on the skiff to watch over Roman and Logan while Virgil, Patton, Declan, and the rest of the pirates continue on. Morph quivers from inside Virgil’s pocket, making the occasional worries sound or scared whimper. Virgil pats the top of his little slime head. “It’s okay Morph… It’s gonna be fine…” He couldn’t tell if he was trying to convince Morph or himself more. Virgil had a feeling of dread pooling in his gut; he was going to die here, and he was going to get Logan and Roman killed too, all because he’d been desperate to chase a legend. And his dad would never know what happened.

Patton catches up to Virgil. “Virge, I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’m starting to see my life pass before my eyes.” He waves a hand as if demonstrating fleeting images flying right beside them. Virgil gazes at him quizzically, with a hint of worry. “At least, I think it’s my life…” He grips his head, as Virgil has learned that he tends to do when he gets too caught up in his missing memory. “Was I ever dancing with an android named Lupè?!” He shouts. Virgil flinches and pushes Patton down with a hand on the robot’s head, shushing him.

“Dude, shut it.” Virgil glances ahead at the silhouette of Declan, trudging ahead of them. “This isn’t over yet.”

Declan pauses, looking up at the green trail above him, watching it pulse quickly with a grin. “We’re getting close, men. The treasure must be close.” The crewmen cheer, and Declan grabs Virgil by his shirt to haul him along. Virgil digs his feet into the moss, but Declan is larger and stronger, and drags him nearly effortlessly.

Declan cuts through the tube-like plants in his path effortlessly, stepping over their oozing stumps to follow the green trail straight to the edge of a cliff. The light stops right where the ground drops. It doesn’t continue forward, or dip down, or even rise up. It just… stops. Declan lets out a frustrated, guttural sound and snarls, “Where is it?”

“I see nothing. One great big stinking pile of nothing!” The lookout huffs as he looks around. The green light suddenly sucks itself back into the map, closing up. Declan turns to look at Virgil behind him, who’s looking over the map with a confused pinch to his brow.

“What’s going on, Virg-o?” He adjusts his hat and crosses his arms, watching impatiently as Virgil presses all the buttons and tries to twist the orb to no avail.

“I don’t know,” He grunts, trying to twist it the other way. “I can’t get it open.”

The crewmen shift restlessly. It’s plain to see from their expressions and how they’re muttering to each other that they’re getting tired of waiting, and more than a little annoyed with the human. Declan frowns in thought. The head-and-arms lady hops over to Virgil. “We shouldn’t have followed this stupid human boy!” She jumps up and pushes him over, sending him sprawling out over the moss to catch himself on his hands. Virgil grunts in annoyance, about to speak up when something catches his eye; a spherical indent in the surface of the planet, with the same lines and circles carved into it as the map.

“I suggest you get that map in working order, quickly, boy.” Declan spits, glancing at the crew out of the corner of his eye. They look about ready to throw him off the cliff and try to find the treasure themselves. Virgil brushes some of the moss away, exposing more of the metallic surface underneath. The crew’s mutterings grow louder, suggesting ways to kill Virgil plainly as they grow too impatient to care what the prisoners hear.

They start approaching Virgil, the lookout shouting, “Throw him over the cliff already!” Declan looks around, barely suppressing his growing panic. The crew are too far gone, more than done with this failed expedition; if they can’t have the treasure, they want blood. Declan turns to Virgil, his warning dying in his throat as he watches Virgil practically shove the map into an indent in the planet’s surface. Almost instantly the cracks in the orb emit a white light, the light spreading out from the orb across the planet’s surface and exposing all of the lines carved underneath all the moss. The rapidly-spreading light gives the planet a slightly eerie green glow as it’s filtered through the moss, halting the approaching crew and causing them to go silent.

The light fades, drawing back towards the orb before lifting up in the form of a holographic, spherical map; a much smaller version of the one Virgil first discovered on Montressor that’s about the size of his chest. Virgil and Declan reach out to touch it at the same time, but stop when something else catches their eyes. Six beams of light, rapidly approaching from under the moss, make their way towards the group from the bottom of the cliff. When they reach the base, they become one and travel up its side and into the air, drawing a line of light two-hundred feet tall. Then, the line splits down the middle and opens into a triangular-shaped doorway. A gust of wind blows from the other side, surprising the group. Virgil and Declan both reach up instinctively to cover their heads as they peer at the strange sight before them.

In the middle of the triangle, as if someone had cut and glued a piece of a different picture to the scenery in front of them, was a bright, light-blue-and-purple nebula with shimmering stars. Declan gasps softly, lowering his arm. “Lord, have mercy… That’s…”

“The Lagoon Nebula..?” Virgil mutters from beside him, confusion evident in his voice.

Declan’s eyebrows furrow in thought and he rubs his chin. “But that’s… halfway across the galaxy…”

Virgil looks at the holographic map in front of him, looking at all the markings across its surface. “’A big door’,” He taps one of the markings; the line closes back up before splitting open again, the scene now displaying some sort of collection of floating ports on what looks to be crystalline stalactites. “’Opening and closing’.” He taps another one, and the line collapses and splits once again to show a windy, ruddy terrain with strange protuberances shaped almost like the communication pipes on the I.M.G.Nation. Virgil looks back down at the map, eyes roaming over the markings. “Let’s see…. Kinapis....” He smiles. “Montressor Space Port.” He taps the moon-shaped mark; the line collapses and splits once again to show the Montressor Space Port, ships docking and embarking just as they were the day he’d left home. Virgil’s smile turns more excited.

“So that’s how Flint did it!” He starts tapping random markings to see the different locations. Declan turn to watch him, looking confused but curious. “He used this portal to… Roam the universe, stealing treasure!”

Declan grits his teeth, biting back a growl and gripping Virgil’s shirt to shove him out of the way. “But where’d he stash it all?” Declan starts tapping random markings searching for the treasure. Virgil scowls and rolls his shoulders. “Where’s that damn treasure?!” Virgil tsks and looks away, crossing his arms. Patton watches on, the faint feeling of a niggling thought persisting in his mind.

“Treasure… Treasure….” He grips at the wires poking out of the back of his head. “Ugh… It’s… Buried in the…”

Virgil perks an eyebrow, watching Patton for a moment before an earlier freak-out comes to mind. His eyes widen in realization. “Buried in the centroid of the mechanism.” It hadn’t made any sense when Paton was ranting and raving back when they met, but now… Seeing the door Patton had mentioned, and the map… It had to be. He grins. “What if the whole planet’s the mechanism? And the treasure is buried at the center?” The closest crew looked shocked for only a brief moment before they pick up their discarded pickaxes and swinging at the planet’s surface. The steel pickaxes crumple once they make contact with the planet, useless.

Declan grimaces, turning away from the map. “Then how the hell are we supposed to get there?” He snarls before turning back to the map, pressing random markings. Virgil walks over to him, nudging him aside as he looks over the map.

“You just have to… Open the right door.” He smiles as he locates Treasure Planet, pressing on it. The gateway collapses and splits. Instead of showing the mossy, mushroom-tree laden planet though, it shows pipes hanging down from the ceiling, the space dark. While the crew take a moment to take in the sight, Virgil walks towards the gateway. He sticks an arm in, slightly surprised when it actually passes through the portal, and passes the rest of the way through. Declan follows him almost immediately after, his robotic hand on Virgil’s shoulder holding him back while the cyborg walks further into the space to look around. The rest of the crew quickly follow, muttering to themselves and looking around in the darkness, following Declan.

Declan stops, gasping softly at the sight before him. Just beyond the metal platform they’re standing on is an endless expanse of gold and jewels, with large thrusters along the ceiling blasting flames intermittently into large pipes down below. The crew all shout excitedly and start running, grabbing at the treasure and exploring the seemingly endless riches. In reality, the treasure is in essence a smaller planet within Treasure Planet, rotating peacefully and being kept in place by the blasts into the pipes. Patton watches the pirates frolicking about in the treasure, Virgil by his side. He scratches at his head; that niggling feeling still won’t go away. “This seems so… Familiar… I can’t- I can’t remember…”

“Pat, c’mon.” Virgil nudges the robot and nods towards a gold-buried ship. “We’re getting out of here, and we aren’t leaving empty-handed.” Virgil makes sure to check that Declan is preoccupied with the treasure before he starts sneaking towards the spit, Patton at his side.

“But-! Virge! Virge, wait!”

Declan slowly lowers down onto his knees, looking down at the gold and jewels around him reverently. “A lifetime of searching… At long last…” He scoops up some of the treasure in his hands, a giddy sort of pressure building in his chest and making him feel young again. “I can touch it!”

Taglist: @the5thcoy @dailysandersidesaudoodles @hungry-red-panda @neonb-fly @chemically-imbalanced-romance@punsterterry @dead4sevenyears @metaphoricalpluto2@tanyatoloni1334

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfictions #sanders sides fanfic #virgil sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #deceit sanders #treasure planet au

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ifreakinglovewritingsomuch · 6 years

Text

JinJae AU/ Worse than Hell! (Part One)

Pairing: Im Jaebum x Park Jinyoung Plot: Jaebum and Jinyoung are arch enemies and that for centuries. When heaven and hell’s war comes to a pause, both of them are expelled to live on earth, for different reasons. With only a minimum of their powers, they have to survive a human’s everyday life. And according to Jinyoung earth is even worse than hell. (Heaven/Hell!AU) Warnings: War (mentioned), Blood, Swearing, Blasphemy (In a way, or maybe not, idk), Smut (later parts!) Words: 1935

(Succubus=female demons that seduce men to get pregnant. Asmodeus= one of the seven deadly sins, especially demon of lust)

A/N: Yeah why not? A Heaven/ Hell AU with Demon Jinyoung and Angel Jaebum. Hope you all like it!

Jinyoung entered their apartment, slamming the door shut, to make sure the other man knew he was back. He put the groceries, manly containing instant noodles and other stuff that didn’t need that much cooking skills, which he definitely didn’t have. Looking for Jaebum, he gazed the room, spotting the “older” laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. “Get up, I brought food.” He ordered not intending to be polite. Everyone probably thought an angel would be the caring one, being nice and friendly, taking care of others, but Im Jaebum was nothing like that. He was one of those angels born in war, raised to be a good soldier, obeying orders, killing demons. Jinyoung nearly felt sorry for him, it had to be terrible to live with a demon, the angels worst enemies. But Jinyoung was a demon they didn’t feel sorry, especially not for their enemies. “I don’t need food,” Jaebum growled, looking at Jiyoung as if this was all his fault. “Especially not made by a filthy demon.” He spat out the last word like it’s some super bad curse word. Sometimes the angel was cute in a way. “Look, Jae.” Jinyoung used the nickname for the angel on purpose because it got the other mad. “I don’t like this either, but you’re not trapped here. Leave..!” He pointed at the door, for the effect. “Look for another home, life on the streets I don't care!” “Why should I be the one leaving.” Jinyoung groaned already tired of arguing. “Because you’re the one complaining!” “Whatever, you can eat on your own.” Jaebum staid stubborn, one of the things Jinyoung hated. Angels were so close-minded, it was frustrating! “You know you have to eat!” the demon still tried, but it was probably for nothing. “I’m an angel.” Again a thing Jinyoung hated about the other, he always acted like angels were something better. “You grace is damaged and they took away most of your power like they did with me! Which means eat or die, like a human!” The last words seemed to do the trick because Jaebum stood up and went straight into the kitchen, bumping the demon's shoulder on purpose. Jinyoung tried to get back on him, hitting the other on the back. The angel instantly groaned in pain, before turning around his eyes burning blue, showing his grace. Drama Queen! “If you ever dare to touch me again I won't mind using the last bit of what is left of my grace, to burn you filthy vermin in the ground!” Frightened by the others treat, Jinyoung took a step back, just to be sure, the other was still a freaking angel and Jinyoung didn’t want to die that soon. Only six centuries of a life wasn’t enough! With a last angry look, Jaebum took some food and disappeared into the bedroom. The only freaking bedroom, which meant Jinyoung had to sleep on the couch and that was anything but comfortable. Because besides needing to eat, pee, they also had to sleep. Other things had also changed. Feelings got a lot of stronger andJinyoung had literally no control over his area down there. One moment it was up then down. According to that “Google guy,” he was experiencing puberty, where his hormones were going crazy and especially young men were always horny. But actually, he was way too old to be in this phase. And it was also not like he was a virgin or anything, he was a demon, what means he did like human pleasures, but his last time was a few hundred years ago. During the war between heaven and hell, he hadn’t had many opportunities’. Maybe he could do it now, during his time on earth, maybe he even had to stay here for the rest of his life. But he can’t really do so if Jaebum watched all of his steps. Every time the younger tried to leave, the angel suddenly appeared wanting to know where he was. When he didn’t insist on tagging along he ordered Jinyoung to be home soon. Jinyoung didn’t even know why he was mostly obeying the others orders. Whatever he was spending too much time, thinking about Im Jaebum, a freaking annoying angel. Clearing his mind, Jinyoung used his left demon powers to heat his instant noodles up. He laid down on the couch enjoying them while turning the TV on, switching through the channels. At least one good invention by humans and it was also really nice of the angels and demons to give them one. It really made living on earth a little less bad. But still, Jinyoung was sure that it was worse than in Hell! It was not that late, so Jinyoung decided to go out! Go for a drink, maybe pick up some hot human, just having fun. Like he did many years ago before the 20th war started. Of course, times had changed and going out to get wasted was definitely still fun! So why not? Jinyoung quickly changed into skinny leather pants, a white t-shirt, and a leather jacket. At last also a little makeup. But the second he wanted to leave, a tall figure appeared, blocking the way. “Where do you think you’re going?” the angel asked, annoyance clear in his voice. “Out!” He answered shortly, trying to go around Jaebum, but the other was faster and pinned the younger against the wall, slowly taking in the demon's appearance. “Wait, why did you dress up?” “Because I want to get laid, now get your hands off me!” Jinyung said pushing the angel off, flashing his red eyes. “Why?” Was he serious? He was an angel after all, so maybe he didn’t know how it was to have sex. Poor thing. “Because it’s nice.” “Yeah I know, but...” So no virgin! That was actually a surprise to Jinyoung. He never thought the angel, would have experience with that. “...We aren’t here for fun or pleasure.” The way Jae said that word, was definitely too hot. “That’s your opinion,” Jinyoung said, turning around, attempting a second time to leave. “Then I’ll come with you!” “What? Why? Do you want to get laid too?” Jinyoung joked, but Jaebums serious face made him shut up. “No. But your mother was a Succubus, right?” Was he really bringing that up now? “Yeah, so? Do you think I want to get any woman pregnant? Seriously?” Jaebum only shrugged. So he really thought so! Jinyoung rolled his eyes, annoyed by the older. “You see...” Jinyoung said moving closer to the other. “I come more after my father.” “Your father?” “Yeah...he was one of Asmodeus demons.” The demon enjoyed the surprised and shocked expression on the others face. “I still accompany you!” Jaebum stayed stubborn. Jinyoung quickly looked at Jaebums outfit and sighed in frustration. He definitely won’t take the other with him looking like that. “Okay but you have to change your outfit!” “Why?” The angel asked confused. “You’re dressed completely in white! Wait...” Jinyoung quickly went to his wardrobe taking out an outfit similar to his throwing it at the angel. “Change!” “I won't wear this pants. You can see the outlines of my boxers through them.” The angel immediately complained, suddenly worried about his looks. “Then don’t wear boxers!” Jinyoung answered unimpressed by the others whines. “Oh and also...put this on.” He handed Jaebum an ear piercing and the eyeliner. “Should I help you?” Jaebum only shook his hand before disappearing into the bedroom. Jinyoung had never regretted a decision more than this when the angel walked out of the room. Biting his lip, to suppress any compliments that he got on his tongue, Jinyoung dared to check the older out. And he hated how much he liked it. Jaebum looked to badass and...to say he looked hot! “Why are you staring?” The angel said through gritted teeth. “You look okay,” Jinyoung answered. “Only okay...? Your expression says something else.” Okay, what? Since when was the older so cheeky and did he just try to flirt with Jinyoung? That’ was not okay! What also was NOT okay was how clearly Jinyong can make out e v e r y t h i n g in this pants, because the angel did take his advice. Clearing his thoughts, to think straight again, Jinyoung took the keys and left the apartment first, not daring to look at the other again. And there again were his teen hormones. They were not that long at the bar and Jinyoung was already flirting with a cute blond guy, taking his mind of a certain angel, that watched him the whole time with a pissed expression. The man, whose name was Jackson was moving closer through the conversation and Jinyoung had to smile at how easy this night went. “Hey, I live in the apartment above the bar, do you want to go somewhere more private?” Jackson smirked. Jinyoung was about to respond when someone suddenly grasps his hand yanking him away so that he collides against a hard chest. “He has a boyfriend!” Jinyoung wanted to protest and tell Jackson that this was a lie, but he wasn’t able to bring out any word, his whole concentration on the man in front of him. Jaebum was so close. Jackson was about to say something, but Jaebum only glared at the shorter, shortly flashing his blue eyes, truly looking like an angel of revenge. “Sorry, didn’t know he is taken.” Was what Jackson mumbled before backing away, disappearing into the crowd. Jinyoung was still trying to proceed what just had happened. Was the angel serious? What was that jerks problem? The demon realized that he was still in the embrace of the other, quickly he yanked his body away and he could swear that Jaebum growled when he did so. “What is your problem?” He hissed at the other, making Jaebum flinch. “You’re unbelievable!” Angry he pushed Jaebum away, who lost his balance and stumbled backwards, right into a guy. “Hey, idiot, watch where you go!” The man immediately screamed at Jae. “What did you just call me?” “Idiot!” Before the guy knew what happened Jaebum had punched him in the jaw, making the guy fall backwards. but as soon as that happened more people got aware of the fight and the man’s friends immediately came to help. Jinyoung knew he could leave, this was the angel's fault not his and he was here to get laid not to fight. But he wasn’t able to leave the angel on his own. There were two possible outcomes of the fight. Jaebum lost it and uses his last bits of grace killing humans or he would get hurt even worse. And therefore he would have to use the last bits of his grace to heal himself. But without grace, an angel can’t survive. So he had to help, right?

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iwannainspire · 5 years

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rambling 12/15/18

so lets start with the universe

i’m feeling more and more connected to the universe lately. i’ve always felt a connection to the universe, but its different now. like my relationship with ethan maybe. we used to fight, but realized we’re family and stuck together, now its all love and he’s so much cooler than i used to give him credit for. same goes for me and the universe

anyways, i feel like i can feel the vibe in the room. everyone can but some rooms have more tension. the outside is sometimes calm and other times its chaotic regardless of how many people are out there with me. i feel overwhelmed by the chaotic air when there are no people and i feel overwhelmed by the people in calm air. idk calm air is easier to walk in tho people or no people. i feel like my horoscope is always accurate and even if its not i check my friends and see theyre right. i like vice horoscopes because theyre vague ish. yknow? like it just tells you how the day will feel not what will happen. i like knowing how the planets change moods. i am connected to the planets and the tides. the universe moves and i move with it. my emotional state does. my psyche?

i feel overly connected. i feel the universe too strongly sometimes and it weighs me down or pulls me off my feet. i live in a snowglobe for days at a time caught up in the tides of emotions that don’t always belong to me. i invite them in and let them go in their time tho now which i used to not do. i used to ignore feelings i didnt like and sought out the happy ones. the search left me disappointed because happy wasnt as happy as i expected it to be. i put a lot of pressure on myself to feel happy when i knew sad was the one knocking at the door. ignored him or asked him to wear a happy mask. disrespected him and only made him feel worse. i’m sorry sadness. i accept you now. i invite sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy, anxiety, etc to come in and talk. where do you come from? what do you need? how can i help you before you carry on your way? i know we’ll meet again, but we won’t fight and hurt each other like we used to. let’s be friends.

i’m trying to accept all of my emotions. not just the happy ones. holding on to happy isnt good. trapping happy hostage when he comes to visit lol. locking him in the basement so he can’t see the sunlight and bloom. he gets sick and dies down there then you’re left alone again with just the painful memory of happy. it didnt have to be painful! let happy come and go as he pleases! i promise you he will come back if you let him go. don’t hold on to old happy times when you could be making new ones. live each day!

————-

zephyr-

the thing about zephyr is

idk. i forgive him. he isn’t evil or a bad guy. he is a product of his circumstances. he was born and raised to be this way. the environment and political climate he grew up in created him. it’s not his fault he is the way he is.

but he could be better.

i think zephyr is immature. i think his parents failed him. i think he failed himself. i think we all fail ourselves and other people. nothing to feel guilty or bad about tho. who has time for guilt for the past when the future is always a second away? accept what happened, where you are, who you are, and move forward. keep moving forward because you can’t go back. alright im getting weird and off topic now but anyway,

zephyr has a good heart. he has an innocent child’s heart. he’s young and immature. he was raised to believe he’s a grown man since 4. he makes his own independent choices. nobody can tell him what to do. he resents people telling him what to do. even if its good advice or something he knows he should do and was going to do but wont now because someone told him to. he’s an idiot. but it’s not his fault. he’s just immature.

he is sexist and shitty. it’s not his fault? but it is. he knows better than to be homophobic/transphobic/misogynistic/racist/EVERYTHING but he still does it because he has been told not to be. and that’s not okay with him. he doesnt like being told what to do more than he cares about how the other person feels when telling him what to do. its a virgo thing i think. not selfishness, but just stubbornness.

so zephyr could be better and he knows it, but he won’t be. he has to decide to do it for himself. i can’t make him decide to be a better person. i can’t make him understanding of others if he doesnt want to be. i cant teach him. i could, but why would i? i spent years climbing that hill and never reached the top. then it occurred to me that i had my own hill to climb. i need to take care of myself, not zephyr. he is not my responsibility and i am no one else’s but my own.

so i forgive him. im not mad about the time i spent climbing his hill to never reach the top. i wouldn’t have been able to see my mountain with its patchy trees and shrubs as beautiful if not for the barren desolation of his mountain. thank you zephyr for teaching me so many things about myself.

i am stronger than i thought i was. i’m always surprised by my growth because i can’t see it while i’m in it yknow. being with zephyr was experiencing growing pains and now that they’ve stopped i’m taller and stronger than i was before. thank you zephyr for making me feel alone. i found a friend in myself. thank you for making me feel smaller than i was. it makes it easier for me to see how much i’ve grown. thank you for hating the same things about me that i did. i know exactly what to work on loving and embracing about myself

i hope you can learn to love your true self too

————-

people have demons. i believe everyone has a good heart. this is leading off the zephyr paragraph bc he’s an example of a real human but it’s not about him.

i think all people are born innocent. theyre babies! completely and 100% being themselves. i think everyone has a good heart. nobody at their core wants to inflict misery on another. life is what you make of it and you are what life makes of you! it’s the universe!! we’re all connected to it and thus connected to each other so nobody at their heart of hearts wants to do anything to hurt the universe we are all a part of. but things happen! not everyone feels as strong a psychic connection to the universe. we have demons too. we have anxieties and jealousies and angers. they look like the wendigo to me. or centipedes. semi-translucent grey shapes lingering in the shadows. big ones stomp around making the floor shake. they rocks at you from a distance. they follow you when youre walking home alone at night. they whisper in your ear. they slither through your blood stream making your heart beat too fast then too slow and your hands cant stop shaking. they twist in your stomach and bubble up your throat. they wait until you aren’t looking to move.

do you do what they say? if you do that then maybe they’ll stop terrorizing you! they’ll leave you alone and you’ll spend the rest of your day worry-free. right?

wrong! everyone has demons! they don’t stop! but guess what? theyre not as strong as you think they are. don’t give in to them! they’ll invite their friends and by then you’ll have a real problem. demons breed demons. don’t feed the demons.

so what do you do? you can’t stop them and you can’t give in to them. should you fight? you could try that. you could try ignoring them too. i’m not really sure yet honestly. i know you shouldn’t feed them though. i’ve found ignoring them to be the easiest option, but it doesn’t kill them. so maybe it is a good idea to fight? fighting makes me tired, but the demons aren’t as strong as you think. tackling one or two a day shouldn’t be too hard and then i could take off weekends.

but wait, let me tell you that fighting the demons isnt a risk-free option. be prepared to lose to them every once in a while. but if they get you down, dont stay there. get right the fuck back up. finish the fight if you can or go home and take a nap to regain strength but dont just sit there in the dirt feeling defeated. never do that because you’re a fighter. life isn’t fair. everyone has demons and we’re all fighting our own battles.

so don’t judge people so harshly because you don’t know their battle. maybe their demon of the day is a level 2 maybe its a level 20. we all have good hearts and we all have demons. some of us have fallen for the demons and their tricks and that’s why we do bad things. the demons want to disrupt the universes cycle. i’m fighting them because i want to protect myself and everyone else. we’re all one

#me

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jess-oh · 7 years

Text

Reflection

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im in a constant state where i feel like i just want to cry bc i feel so alone but then i dont want to cry in front of my classmates or my roommates or let anyone in or let my guard down but i also dont have marlena bc she’s going through her own things rn and i dont have andrew bc crying in person is just awkward and he’s been growing more and more apathetic which makes sense bc he’s a busy guy and he’s just gotta realize it for himself so i reached out to some friends like jeanne, jennifer, and annika but i just couldnt bring myself to be so open and vulnerable and just kinda brushed it off as stress but i am so overwhelmed and i dont know what to do and im way in over my head and

sigh

i just really need a break and time to gather my thoughts but i cant stop stressing over everything. it’s just so much to handle. and i asked andrew earlier if he still goes to his friends for advice when theyre going through a hard time and he said yes and questioned why i would think otherwise and idk if it’s him or me but i thought you should just back off and let them bc so as to not add the extra weight, yknow? i would never want to put my friends in a worse spot than they already are. i want to help them. so idk if im wrong or if he’s selfish or what but i do want to hear his reasoning. but man, i just feel like crying. all the time. im so nervous all the time. i want to be productive and do homework and it’s only the end of week 5 and i am dying. and i do really want to get better and do my best and put more effort into all my classes. and maybe that means taking a step back from church and my other extracurriculars. but i still want to be involved bc these are things that im really passionate about. i just.

i feel so alone and it’s hard. not being able to be open with anyone. it sucks always trying to be the strong one. and honestly, what heidi said to me still affects me to this day. in more ways than i originally thought. she said that everyone is going through a hard time but other people are just better at hiding it. and that struck a chord within me. it drove me off the rails. off the cliff. it pushed me to self harm myself bc i felt so helpless and worthless. and honestly, as much as i dislike to admit it, i still think im trying to put on this fake, strong facade. for the sake of not appearing weak. and act as if i have all my shit together when in reality, i am dying on the inside. im literally the guy in a pool of tears meme.

and i want to be productive so i keep pushing myself to do some homework assignments or at least get a head start whenever i can but...im just so frustrated. because im not in a mentally stable place rn so i cant fully commit or focus and im not even procrastinating on my work that much. and yes, i have a lot to do and it’s stressful but i thin more than that, im just not doing so great mentally and that’s been fucking me up. i do want to do well. i do want to get good grades and actually try and learn and find a support group that i can rely on. and it really does come down to how open i’m willing to be and how much of a risk im willing to take in opening myself up to them. and it’s hard and it’s scary and i feel like im not getting anywhere but i do really want to do better. honestly.

and God, I know that you are still a huge part of my life too and yeah, i have been putting my faith on the backburner while I’ve been trying to sort out everything going on right now with school and my personal life and everything and yknow what, i dont know if youre just asking me to rely on you more and to pray to you whenever i can and just giving it all up to you. and honestly, i think, to me, thats a sign of giving in. and i know that it isnt but in my mind, it is. i want to be strong and do things by my own strength and just push through this hard time. but man, i feel so alone. it’s hard when youre two closest friends are someone that’s going through a lot of family issues and the other is just apathetic and doesnt care. and i know he still does to some extent but i do want someone to push me and force me to do things that i dont always to do because im too scared. but they know that it’s the right thing to do. please, pull me out of my comfort zone but be there to catch me in the end and just remain supportive. please. thats all i need. i dont need you to tell me what i want to hear. tell me the truth. make me snap out of it. and...just be there for me. please. thats all i need.

i just took a photo of myself without a shirt on. nothing super intimate is showing but i did feel pretty confident. but my boobs are hanging out but i like so skinny but i also dont want anyone else to see it and judge me for it but it did make me feel a lot better and i want to check my weight and see if i lost any and i know that that is so vain but i have struggled for so long with my weight and how i appeared and im just so tired of it. i just want to be flawless. not really but kind of. that kind of “perfect” that is just so natural and comes without any effort. i wake up and someone finds me beautiful or attractive or worthwhile. and i know that i shouldnt be so focused on my appearance but it’s definitely been ingrained into my brain that it does matter. and as much as it sucks, i believe it.

i dream of being in a relationship. i have no idea with you. but im just so in love with that idea. with having someone that you care so much about that you want to be spend as much time as possible with them. someone that always has your back and you always have theirs and you never have to question it. someone you can just always hangout and chill with and you wont be too clingy. someone you are just so in love with and you feel comfortable just being yourself around them. i want that. that kind of love and intimacy and affection that you can only get from a relationship.

but i know that if it doesnt work out, it really will break my heart and the pain will be unbearable to live with. but i will push through. i’ll fight. i can do it. i just...

i dont know

i really miss having that comfort of having people that you know you can totally rely on wholeheartedly. because i cant out here. not anymore.

#reflection

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