#idk I just don’t want ppl to think bad of me

[selfindulgentfandomstuff]

I really do feel like this community has gotten very.. hostile lately. Like obviously some of the stuff that’s been coming up as ‘discourse’ is actually important but then there’s like personal call out posts for specific users and I never am sure how to respond to those… I usually just don’t reblog them bc I cant know for sure.

#I just think if you have personal beef with someone you should work it out in private tbh #like. you don’t need to make a callout post everytime someone wrongs you personally #people have fights sometimes #people have fall outs with friends sometimes #it’s okay #it’s normal #what’s not normal is calling for people not even involved in your fight to dogpile one person just bc they pissed you off specifically #sorry it just makes me so anxious and I am constantly monitoring how I speak about my ships lest I get cancelled #I don’t think I have anything particularly problematic going on?? everything is consensual and every one is an adult and no one is related #I just sometimes have some enemies to lovers stuff going on that is heavy on the enemies part in the beginning!! #idk I just don’t want ppl to think bad of me #ik I shouldn’t care but it RUINS me when I know someone is mad at me #vent #vent tw #tw vent

[tteenagepetulance]

the mahomes situation feels like the m*tty situation feels like the lena situation feels like the….

#i don’t even think Lena is that bad in comparison is #im sure im forgetting other extremely bad ppl she’s kept circles with #the SA stuff is really really hard for me idk idk idk this might be the straw that breaks me #idk man idk it’s really hard when she was a ~*champion*~ for victims #it’s the absolute LACK of any engagement outside of herself i think that’s what gets me like!!!!! #she’ll talk about things only in the scope of how it effects her and then her empathy seems to just. die #and this is where the break in her compassion / how genuine she really is become questioned….. #i really want to believe in her but the way she wields her silence is astounding #in the worst way…..

[worms-in-my-brain]

“Kill all men” (and variations) isn’t feminist.

The goal of feminism is not to reverse the gender hierarchy. The goal of feminism is not to eradicate half the population.

The goal of feminism is gender equality.

If you legitimately believe that men, as a group, are uniformly and unequivocally bad just on the basis of their identity, something they cannot control, and that, due to that, they cannot be trusted, ever? If you believe that only women are trustworthy or good and men and inherently bad, then you do not believe in some of the very basic foundations of gender equality.

And like. The belief that women are inherently trustworthy and good is also bad. Like, I kinda thought it was common sense that putting somebody up on a pedestal is bad because it has one of two possibilities: a) the possibility to set them up for failure (because no person is perfect, always good and pure, and everyone makes mistakes), and b) the possibility to provide abusers with shields; if you believe women don’t abuse people, even if it’s not an explicit belief, guess what you’re more vulnerable for?

And these thought patterns aren’t just anti-feminist. They’re pretty bad for multigender people, too. I’m genderfluid, but on average I am usually somewhat a man and somewhat a woman, just in varying degrees. So when you say that all men are evil, am I to assume you think people like me are, too? If yes, that seems pretty cold-hearted. I am not benefiting from the patriarchy; I am intersex and transfemasc. I am androgynous in a visibly trans way. In a misogynists’ mind, I’m not a man or a woman, I’m a thing. If no… why make an exception for me? It feels like you’re erasing my identity as a man— just because I am a woman does mean I am not a man.

If what you mean when you talk about these things is that men have to be aware of their societal position with respect to the patriarchy and vigilant for unconstructed misogyny? Then say that. Don’t say you wish men would die, don’t make fun of gay men and bi women’s attraction to men, don’t say vile shit about trans men just because you think it’s ‘punching down.’

#idk what to tag this tbh #it wrote it while thinking about how I feel when I’m being perceived as a woman #and somebody treats me like I’m this good pure angel #because it’s actually infuriating and yeah it’s sexist as hell #I want my capacity to be my own person acknowledged #what if I don’t want to be pure #and yeah I know it’s positive and I also don’t want to be a bad person #I just want to exist without assumptions being shoved down my throat constantly #and it’s bs that this shit is framed as feminist cause its NOT #also really not fun when I’m seen as a man for ppl to act like I’m evil #and btw in both contexts im specifically talking about like leftists who were #on the surface #accepting of diverse identities #so its not like this happens only with bigots or TERFs or whatever #this happens with ‘feminists’ and ‘trans-positive’ ppl all the time

[compacflt]

I have an anecdote about when I worked for a company and a co-worker left to work in a different state on military aircraft. He had to get a TS clearance and because we had worked for several years together he asked if I would be okay with being interviewed for his clearance. I said sure and an interviewer w the gov, arranged to come to my place of work and conduct the interview there. I was asked questions about him like how well did I know him, and whatever answer I gave led to more specific questions like if I answered a question about knowing his wife, they would ask if I thought his marriage sounded secure etc.

This memory of that experience was on my mind while I read your story and I wondered who Iceman would choose for his TS clearance interviews (and who the gov would choose for him) and what would they say? I feel like their "secret" would be uncovered in even a low level clearance (years later I had to submit names for a low level Public Trust clearance for my job) It was so embarrassing because I did not have many friends I was comfortable submitting for that as I kept my work and home life very separate.

Anyway, that is my "cool story, bro"

Thank you for such a great and well researched story!

this is indeed a cool story bro and touches on what is literally my story’s fatal flaw, which is: Yeah, a shitload of people would’ve known about it. I am going to hijack your question to talk about that, so my apologies, though i will get around to your question by the end. This is gonna be a really long post. I have a lot to say and a lot of ground to cover.

So I wanna start out by talking about the structure of this story and its core conflict, because while I’d like to say this story is rooted in an accurate depiction of the US military, obviously that’s not true; it’s rooted in the dynamic of the story that i wanted to tell, which is the story of a guy coming to realize the truth behind a Big Lie—him passing as straight. And that’s a pretty universal story, but it’s made more specific by the fact that a) the guy canonically wants to be the best in an institution that enforces the Big Lie and b) the guy canonically is so successful because he follows the rules/orders of that institution. So, for character growth, to put it simply, the guy (Ice) has to come to the conclusion that the Big Lie is a lie by himself. He can’t be told/ordered that the Big Lie is a lie, otherwise he hasn’t grown out of “just following orders.” (I’ll get to the Big Lie in a second. I made charts and story structure graphs below.)

The only other story about a Big Lie I can think of off the top of my head right now is Passing (1929) by Nella Larsen, which is about a Black woman in Chicago trying to pass as both white and straight. It’s a great book and I’ll try not to spoil it, you should really read it for yourself, but the terminology I’m going to use in this post comes from an analysis of it, so just to bring you up to speed—Clare, the woman trying to pass as white, is recognized by a friend, another Black-but-passing woman, Irene, who is shocked that Clare has abandoned her heritage (the truth of her, that is) and married a hyper-racist white man who doesn’t even know that she’s Black. So the book sets up a dynamic of the Big Lie that I’ve outlined here (hopefully it makes sense):

I built on this dynamic for my fic. Ice is both a “dupe” and a “passing figure,” in that he believes the lie that he is straight and also passes for straight—but it’s also more complicated than that because he’s not actually straight (getting to that). Mav is an “in-group clairvoyant” and can recognize Ice as passing because he is also straight-passing. The Navy are a bunch of “dupes.” But…what is Slider, for instance, or your question’s hypothetical government official who, yes, will 100% find out because people always find out?

In comes my ginormous-and-overly-wordy WWGATTAI Plot and Character Dynamic Summary Graph. You don’t really have to read it all, the only important bits for this discussion are the leftmost column (“plot”) and the green quadrant (“out-group clairvoyants”).

To summarize—people who know the truth can’t actually act on it, because for Ice’s character growth to make sense, he has to come to the truth himself. This forecloses the possibility of any outwardly homophobic action (by which I mean someone like a govt official or one of my lame OCs actually challenging him on his illegal relationship) in the plot, because for 90% of the story Ice is so fragile that he would probably just cave immediately and double down on the internalized homophobia. So, for plot purposes, everyone—including Mav, as it happens—has to sort of tiptoe around Ice’s obvious not-straightness and give him an unreasonable amount of grace so he can figure it out for himself. 

And therein lies the fatal flaw of this story. It is, like, not conceptually viable. Of course people would find out, of course the government would interrogate him about it, of course he’d have to confront the truth much sooner than TWENTY-FIVE years after he first starts messing around with Mav.  Which literally breaks my heart because I didn’t realize it was a fundamentally busted story until long after I had finished writing the base plot & couldn’t fix the overarching problems 😭 The thing is, it had to be this way, because there is at least a thirty-year gap between TG86 and TGM22, and TGM is obviously the emotional climax of the series and my story had to match that. So—fanfic and its canon constraints, everyone. 

But also… I can explain away these logical inconsistencies with story structure & character dynamic graphs to make the story make sense, sure, but it doesn’t change the truth of the matter, which is that… I hadn’t ever really thought about things like security clearances, and therefore wrote around them because I didn’t even know to consider them. And I know there are a bunch of other details in this story that betray my immaturity (anytime I talk about alcohol, for instance—I still am not legal to drink in this stupid country & have only cheap bad experiences to draw on; THE HOUSE—if i could rewrite this story from the beginning they would not have bought a fucking house together, what was I thinking???) and the lack of thought about the real-life logistics and consequences of secrecy is one of them. 

And it’s exactly what I mean when I say “I look at this story and all I see are its flaws,” which is why I wanted to write this post & get it on record. I have just enough life experience to read my own writing and know that it’s fundamentally unconvincing, and not enough life experience to know how to fix it. :(

But, to answer your original question, you’ve got me brainstorming a scene where Ice is asking Slider to be his character witness & Slider’s like “Look bro do you want me to lie to the federal government under oath for you because I will” and Ice has to be like “Legally I cannot ask that of you but”

#in case you couldnt tell it really bothers me #idk what the age range of the ppl who read my fics is but i knoooow there are #some parts of this story where you read it and you go #yeah a little kid wrote that #if you asked me what a 401k is with a gun to my head i could not tell you #so the fact that people care about my opinions on these like really grown up adult problems is #literally like the highest compliment ever #but i feel bad that i don’t have the life experience to give a convincing answer & i apologize for that #ive grown up so much & so quickly working on this project both as a writer and as a person & so thankful for that #but it also means that i look back on even recent work & say WTF LITTLE KID ALERT #so #sorry i turned your question into a fiction lecture #but lol that’s like the one thing i actually AM a little bit qualified to talk about #and your question represents like the fundamental fatal flaw of the story i have spent literally 100s of hours on #so I wanted to talk about it #thank you for the ask <3333333 #my birthday is in a couple days so just thinking about getting older lol #edts notes #top gun #top gun maverick #icemav #tom iceman kazansky #asks #hope to one day put this energy into like a job or sumn

[ilovedthestars]

honestly the biggest Competing Access Needs issue that I personally have run into in online spaces is this:

people need, deserve, and should have space to complain and critique. that includes critiquing things that I (and they!) care about and find valuable, in order to make them better. those conversations are often necessary and healthy, and they should be allowed to happen.

however, I find those kinds of conversations incredibly stressful, often outright upsetting. especially when it involves people I like/respect arguing with or criticizing other people I like/respect. my instinct is to try to mediate and smooth things over and acknowledge the points of both sides, but often that’s either not my place to do or would be actively unhelpful. so I just end up torn in the middle of what feels to me like a barrage of negativity, filled with the unhelpful desire to be like “can’t we just all get along????”

the only and best solution to this is for me to just remove myself from conversations like these, and I’ve gotten better at that, but. It’s still difficult for me to deal with, even though I know that despite my hangups, it’s sometimes better for those conversations to happen than not.

#stars rambles #yes this is partly about convos that have happened on discord but I want ppl to know that I’m not @ing anyone specific about this #like i don’t think anyone’s in the wrong here #even though I would like to avoid any semblance of conflict. I know that would be bad for other people #but I did want to say this because I feel like. idk. in the moment the best thing I can do is shut up and walk away #so I wanted to express this outside of that very charged context #it’s not just about discord to be clear #sometimes it’s about things I see on Tumblr (or complaints on Tumblr that have been exported from discord) #sometimes it’s about irl organizations that I’ve been a part of where I’m like #I love this space deeply #and I know it has flaws and that there should be room for critique #but I want to defend what I love about it #this is definitely an area for personal growth for me too #but it’s not gonna go away overnight #and i've also seen it come up with other people in ways that just aren't avoidable #sometimes you love something and want to talk about how you love it #and someone else is annoyed by it and wants to talk about that #and there's no easy way for both of those conversations to happen in a way that doesn't hurt someone #and i don't feel like that kind of competing need is one that i see brought up a lot #anyway #vent #drafted this and left it to sit and now i am queuing it for the future so it will not seem associated with any one conversation #because it's not really about one thing #q2q

[transmechanicus]

“I’ll be fine i just need to uhhhhhhh idk kill” but like…what if i did haha

#my stuff #dear diary and the several thousand mfs who can see it. Despite arguably good academic performance today feels like a bad day #bc i skipped lab to take a nap #and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates #like i can talk to them and i do and we get along well but i never…hang out w em #or at least not as much as they seem to without me #it’s not a malicious thing i think a huge part of it is groups of ppl living or working in the same space #and i’m in a different lab building than a lot of ppl #idk…struggling to find anything that sparks joy. unable to see the future with optimism #it’s just day after day of Job where i’ll beat myself up on weekends if i don’t do Even More Work #bc that’s the nature of grad school. always homework or literature review to do like i give a shit abt the latter #i don’t care what other people are doing i don’t wanna obsessively comb through journals to make sure i’m doing Brand New Shit #i want it to stop #i don’t want to read anymore. i don’t wanna have to worry about my job outside of work. #i want to cry and scream and #like i don’t wanna quit after i worked so hard to get here #i don’t wanna wuss out #but i’m always tired. i’m never rested or relaxed or truly enjoying myself #why is this only hard for me…how tf is everyone else able to read and remember and understand this much?? #like yeah maybe i should be on adhd meds but those are fuckin spensive and a pain in the ass to get #i’m tired of being tough #i want to curl into a ball and be told it’s going to be okay and that i can rest and have it not be a lie or a half measure

[mostlymaudlin]

i love being aspec and also loving sex. for me, sex is so interesting and i love thinking abt it and i love talking abt it even when i don’t really seek out the physical act of it. i love flirting and i love sexting and i love reading and writing smut. i love how sex can bring people together and how it can ruin people and how it can color the way we view the world. i love how sex can render a person to goo, can give people agency, can be funny as hell. i love the way some people find it easiest to drop the roles society pushes on them when they feel safe with someone in a bedroom. sex rules !

#a lot of ace discourse on tumblr revolves around sex repulsion #and that’s fine I’m glad we can talk about it #but also #I think it’s cool that some ace ppl (me) think sex rules ! #mmmmm also not to discourse too much but I do get the sense that ppl think that #ur a bad ace or something if u like sex. and idk I’m not into labels for myself rly #but I just think that’s bullshit I don’t think u need to have the exact same reaction to things as everyone who shares your label #you can engage w sexuality however the fuck you want to

[blueish-bird]

sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy #been feeling weird as hell these past few months #like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days #or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day #idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this #just thinking #meposting #I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying #I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult #I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad. #whatever #I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that #dissociation #me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though #she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety #and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’ #I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time #I’m so solid now #so stuck in the ruts of capitalism #fuck capitalism #I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled #sorry I love talking #and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn? #it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing #I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence. #like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5. #overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names. #can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school #bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude #I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time

[pepprs]

i know i need to shut up abt it esp bc i don’t know for sure if i actually got exposed to covid but like. it’s just so fucking frustrating and terrifying. not just in the case of covid but with other things too like driving. you can take every precaution to keep yourself and the people around you safe but all it takes is one selfish careless asshole who can negate that in a heartbeat and ruin your life or maybe even end it in some circumstances. lol

#purrs #ask to tag #complete and utter despair about it all. i feel like such a freak for telling everyone to be safe and be careful all the time but this world #is so fucking scary and we are so fucking helpless. how can i not cast out this desperate fucking plea. this prayer. that harm will not #befall you even if it’s something as small as a drive to the store or a trip to a new place. i just live in fear of the people i love #getting hurt all the time and of myself getting hurt. and covid is fucking scary because we still don’t fuckng know how bad it is really or #what it can do to you in the long term and there’s no way to know if you have it until you find out you have it bc this fucking nightmare #country gutted all the covid infrastructure so it’s like. it’s just really bad. im so scared. ive been so proud of myself lately bc i feel l #like even though im still not doing great ive been less miserable and anxious like a couple months ago i was having breakdowns almost daily #and i feel like ive been getting better and this just has thrown me so bad. there are other things going on too ofc so i know im reacting #really strong but like. throwback to all the asks i just answered where anons were like idk how you even function witb the amount of anxiety #you carry with you all the time and i was reading that like but not anymore! and it turns out… no it’s still there. it just was summer and #i interacted with fewer people and went almost nowhere. and now the semester is starting again and everything is changing and it’s just. bad #also addendum to the first part of my tags: i wish i was brave enough to ask ppl to like. text me when they get to their destination safe or #whatever. i almost never think of it bc it just seems like such a forward boundary crossing thing to do + it was a bad habit from when my #separation anxiety was MUCH worse as a kid. but like… i want o do it and sometimes i need to but i repress it so hard. lawl #also to say i love you sometimes. some ppl it’s really easy and we do it all the time. others i can’t bc it crosses boundaries and it #physically hurts not to. lolll

[tariah23]

Ppl still be calling Sasuke abusive, it’s crazy to me-

#I will defend him for the rest of my life I’ll be old in a senior citizens building still on tumblr writing long essays about him #sorry he’s so awesome #how does anyone read or watch the entire series and come out thinking that #🧍🏾‍♀️… #his character is all about love bro #literally the only ppl who get his character are sasuke fans and like about half of sns fans (most of them mischaracterize the shit out of #both of them to hell so that’s why I say at least half lmfao) #the dudebros only see him in a meta sense #Sakura fans act like it’s his fault that she’s miserable and still sucks when she was the one who forced herself on him and he just gave in #because he’d already felt guilty about what happened before and the story (idk why kishimoto did that shit because it made no sense for his #character) had his ass feeling bad about what he did when he was always right from the very beginning #gaslighting a genocide survivor is crazy #a lot of sns fans do this as well so again that’s why I said HALF lmfao #it’s so ugly bro #there’s sm more but I don’t want to talk about it rn it just annoys me sm #rambling

[puppyeared]

Man it would be so freaking cool if it turned out Caleb had some involvement with the portal door

#HEAR ME IUT HEAR ME OUT #think about it. Dana confirmed that Clawthornes specifically have a think for bird themed palismen #and flapjack is more or less confirmed to be Caleb’s palisman since belos yelled his name ANDDD the thing with the wittebros on that we #newspaper from season 2A right. so unless that was a one off the witch hunters would have had to know they had something to do with witches #since Caleb could only really make flapjack if they were in the boiling isles in ANOTHER REALM wouldn’t the witchunters only find out about #it if he came back and they saw it? and palistrom wood only exists on the isles #AND AND AND based on the nycc clip ppl pointed out that flapjack is kind of familiar with the abandoned house #cause he was pecking at the floor and shit and the other palismen were concerned. so if Caleb managed to get back to the human world maybe #he brought flapjack with him and that’s why he recognizes it #also I don’t think Philip was actually the one who built the portal door. maybe he just included it in his journal because he knew luz would #come along and find it by the time he was belos? and his portal is extremely different from the door because it’s like huge with angel wings #and shit while the door is just a normal ass door #also if you think about it the titan had a way of hiding things from him so maybe that would include the ingredients for the portal too #if he could tell belos would use it for something bad like bringing all the witch hunters to the isles to kill them #so then maybe if the titan figured Caleb was a cool guy he let him find the portal ingredients #which let him go between the realms? ALSO iirc eda found the door not too far from her house and it was half buried in dirt #my theory is maybe even though Caleb had the option of going back he wanted to stay with his wife in the isles and hid the door so Philip #wouldn’t find it or something. maybe he got tired of witch hunting like how he looked tired in the nycc clip #and he wanted to leave that behind. poor dude :o( #idk if this will make sense when the episodes come out but I really want that wittebro lore man #the owl house #toh #the owl house season 3 #toh season 3 #toh theory #yapping #the owl house theory #toh spoilers #the owl house spoilers

[spacelesscowboy]

been thinking a lot about an unauthorised fan treatise (or, more specifically, about parasocial relationships, celebrity worship, invasive fans, etc etc) and bandom culture.

in the sense of trying to figure out what counts as “normal” fan behavior w/o it devolving into a parasocial relationship, or where the line is between having fun & making observations vs tinhatting & rpf (a lot of pete wentz’s songs in Infinity on High are direct quotes from LJ entries that in turn suggest being interested in mikey way vs. pete wentz & mikey way were in love with each other & had a nasty gay love summer fling & pete never got over it (REAL) (NOT CLICKBAIT!!!!!!!!!))

like, is it not weird to post an upskirt picture of gerard way and say “i want to shove my face between her legs”? personally i see those posts and laugh, bc to me those extreme expressions of sexual desire all equate to someone just. being a really big gerard fan. they’re all hyperbole to me. but that’s me interpreting them, and might not actually be the posters intention. maybe they really do want to shove their face in her crotch. i don’t know them!

when does the line between harmless fun and extremely inappropriate invasive behavior begin?

#emyrs.txt #mcr #fob #auft #<- for organization purposes #does this make sense. NWNEND #i personally don’t even think rpf is that bad?? if i’m being honest. i think it’s inappropriate when you harass the person in question about #it. #like. using dnp as an example. obviously looking at their videos u could tell that there was Something there. pointing it out or speculating #about it doesn’t seem super weird to me? it’s when ppl are insistent about it. when they start tagging the ppl and tweeting and trying to #catch them off guard like. hey have u heard about ppl shipping u two. what do u think. is it true. #or when they start. analyzing screenshots and behavior that it’s like. truly. relax it’s not that deep. and even if it was. do u think they #would want u analyzing their every move and interaction. there’s a reason this is speculation. maybe they’re not together. maybe they’re not #ready to come out. maybe they just don’t want to subject their relationship to the internet. #idk. i’ve been thinking about this a lot. since i read auft. NWNDDNMF #and also just bc i got interested in mcr again so there’s a lot of posts that have me asking myself if the wording or content of it could #weird. (<- in the sense of. would i talk to a stranger like this. or speculate about someone i saw in the grocery store) #and also am just thinking about this bc there’s so much ‘candid’ content being uploaded everywhere. and people uploading street interviews #—which i’ll admit i like to watch sometimes— #& the comments are always ppl making the most bizarre speculations and coming to weird conclusions #so this has been on my mind a lot. #BWNENDNDND #idk. ig the answer to. ‘is this normal or weird’ depends on the person that you’re talking about. #ok. i’m tired of verbalizing my thoughts. bye :)

[yuribalisms]

I hate my gender I hate it I hate my gender this is fucking stupid I hate it I hate it I hate it could I be literally anything fucking else I’m so goddamn sick of this

#I’m like 99.9999999% sure I am genderfluid #which is all great and fine when I go like literal months #being perfectly happy and content being feminine and being called a girl and enjoying she/her pronouns #until all of a sudden I’m just vibing on the couch last night and the dysphoria just fucking SLAMMED into me #and it was so Fucking Stupid too I just saw a buff shirtless male video game character and my brain was like #‘kinda bullshit you don’t look like that huh’ #and now I hate everything and I get my five millionth ‘am I trans man’ crisis #except at this point I KNOW I’m not cuz this is the pattern #I’ll be uncomfortable for several months like two ppl I know will use he/him pronouns for me and I’ll enjoy it #and then eventually I’ll decide THAT now makes me uncomfortable and I’ll go back to either hyperfem or androgyny #whichever is scratching the itch at the time #and I’m so…. so fucking sick of this pattern #cuz say I DID do anything to transition then whenever I inevitably wanted to look like a woman it’d be the same thing just reveresed #AAAAHGGGHHHHHHHH #I want it to stop I want stable feelings about gender one way or the other this is so fucking stupid and unfair #I hate it I hate it I hate it #this is the worst way to experience gender ever I literally can do NOTHING about it #and these intense switches are just gonna keep happening #like idk at least I’m self aware enough I’ve figured out the pattern but honestly I think that kinda makes it worse in a way #androgyny is my go to and has definitely never made me feel Bad #but life certainly is fucking easier when I’m happy with and leaning into being more fem aligned than masc aligned #bye I’m gonna go die in a hole now #kaz rambles

[pizzaqueen]

.

#so I have a lot of anxiety around M and E rated fics and art and stuff #i don’t really want to go into why because it’s like a whole thing but just my brain being weird #I don’t usually talk about this because I don’t want to seem judgemental or prudish or whatever #but I also just wanted to say if I don’t interact with or reblog your thing that’s rated M or E this is why! #idk maybe I shouldn’t post this??? i just feel really bad about it #(as for other rated fics - I have a backlog in my drafts and marked for later 😬🙈) #and I have to admit that the anxiety over this comes with a lot of shame and guilt too :/ #but I’d also understand if ppl didn’t want to be friends anymore or whatever #because I know this kind of thing makes it difficult to talk to me or anything #and I think I’ve made things awkward for people and alienated others #and that’s something I have to accept! #aaaaand I really should keep this stuff to myself because it’s not appropriate to share! #misc #tbd

[hellfireeddiemunson]

sick of making plans with a specific friend only for her to not reach out abt actually hanging out until the afternoon after i’ve waited all day to hear back from her or for her to just cancel last minute entirely after i’ve again waited all day to hear back from her

#like i genuinely fucking get that sometimes life is exhausting and you’re tired and sometimes you need to take care of urself before hanging #out with people but for it to be so fucking consistent is exhausting for ME #we don’t even fucking make plans that often it’s literally maybe once a fucking month if that #like you’re telling me somehow whenever we have plans that’s when you’re SOOOOOO exhausted ?????? but you left the house 39203 other times #to do shit that takes up way more mental capacity than sitting bat your house smoking weed for a while and catching up????? #i just don’t fucking get it dude i really don’t #if i make plans with someone and the day of i don’t want to anymore i always tell them right fucking away so they don’t spend all day waitin #around and planning their entire day around it just to get fucked over #idk i’m just frustrated and probably need to eat something and i’ll be less angry #i’m just like. upset bc i don’t understand why she only ever seems to cancel on me or only seems to be soooooo exhausted when it’s the day #we planned to hang out like i just think it’s unfair to me and i Have expressed this in general before so it’s like ok cool #thanks for taking my own feelings and time into consideration 🙄🙄😐 #like i literally love and adore my friends more than life itself and it just hurts and is shitty when someone doesn’t act the same even tho #they’ve said the opposite idk #i genuinely hope i don’t sound like a dick right now bc i truly really understand when ppl are mentally exhausted or deal with chronic issue #issues* bc fucking SAME HERE I ALSO DEAL WITH ALL RHAT so it’s like idk i just don’t wanna sound like a dick i am just upset i’m not feeling #like i’m loved the same as i love people idk this always happens to me i feel like i just love too much and i over project and then when i #don’t get the same things in return i feel like people actually don’t like me or secretly are tryin to separate from me idk it’s shitty i #hate it so bad i want a normal brain this shitnfucking sucks #my brain is going too hard now tho i need to stop before i spiral for real right here right now on tumblr dot com

[cherrysnax]

I think i sound very uh flat n monotone normally, but a lot of ppl disagree.. my perception of my self is sooo skewed

#talked to cjs sister for the first time and she went on abt my voice and it’s weird because to me #I sound like a teenaged boh #*boy mixed with pinkie pie on a good day #either that or it’s giving like. weird seductress rouge the bat grown man #very gender if I say so myself #I’ve been drawing myself a lot more so the way I perceive my self is literally changing by the second #do people notice i deepen my voice the first time we talk #do they notice how I balance on one foot #do they notice the accidental like. ci #*vocal mimicry I do? ch was telling me abt the things they love abt my body because I was being silly and self hating #and it’s weird that the things we r both insecure abt are just things that like. make us us? idk #bad wording. cj could totally change everything new aesthetic new clothes new body type idk they would become my standard for beauty because #they already r. my type is her #I worry if I lose or gain weight if I change my hair again if I change aesthetics or go father into grad goth shit if they’ll find me ugly #but. I don’t think they will #I’ve gained lost changed done all the big changes looks perocnaliyy wise #and I consistinely feel loved and wanted #sorry rambling abt my gf over #ppl sometimes tell me I’m intimidating or rlly nice #strangers call me lovely #loved ones call me everything in between #I see myself as a wretched ugly creature that won’t chnage no matter how much I pull my body around #but maybe that’s not entirely true #but also I like pretending to be a nonhuman creature because it’s fun and dehumanization is okay when I do it