#because it’s actually infuriating and yeah it’s sexist as hell

[worms-in-my-brain]

“Kill all men” (and variations) isn’t feminist.

The goal of feminism is not to reverse the gender hierarchy. The goal of feminism is not to eradicate half the population.

The goal of feminism is gender equality.

If you legitimately believe that men, as a group, are uniformly and unequivocally bad just on the basis of their identity, something they cannot control, and that, due to that, they cannot be trusted, ever? If you believe that only women are trustworthy or good and men and inherently bad, then you do not believe in some of the very basic foundations of gender equality.

And like. The belief that women are inherently trustworthy and good is also bad. Like, I kinda thought it was common sense that putting somebody up on a pedestal is bad because it has one of two possibilities: a) the possibility to set them up for failure (because no person is perfect, always good and pure, and everyone makes mistakes), and b) the possibility to provide abusers with shields; if you believe women don’t abuse people, even if it’s not an explicit belief, guess what you’re more vulnerable for?

And these thought patterns aren’t just anti-feminist. They’re pretty bad for multigender people, too. I’m genderfluid, but on average I am usually somewhat a man and somewhat a woman, just in varying degrees. So when you say that all men are evil, am I to assume you think people like me are, too? If yes, that seems pretty cold-hearted. I am not benefiting from the patriarchy; I am intersex and transfemasc. I am androgynous in a visibly trans way. In a misogynists’ mind, I’m not a man or a woman, I’m a thing. If no… why make an exception for me? It feels like you’re erasing my identity as a man— just because I am a woman does mean I am not a man.

If what you mean when you talk about these things is that men have to be aware of their societal position with respect to the patriarchy and vigilant for unconstructed misogyny? Then say that. Don’t say you wish men would die, don’t make fun of gay men and bi women’s attraction to men, don’t say vile shit about trans men just because you think it’s ‘punching down.’

#idk what to tag this tbh #it wrote it while thinking about how I feel when I’m being perceived as a woman #and somebody treats me like I’m this good pure angel #because it’s actually infuriating and yeah it’s sexist as hell #I want my capacity to be my own person acknowledged #what if I don’t want to be pure #and yeah I know it’s positive and I also don’t want to be a bad person #I just want to exist without assumptions being shoved down my throat constantly #and it’s bs that this shit is framed as feminist cause its NOT #also really not fun when I’m seen as a man for ppl to act like I’m evil #and btw in both contexts im specifically talking about like leftists who were #on the surface #accepting of diverse identities #so its not like this happens only with bigots or TERFs or whatever #this happens with ‘feminists’ and ‘trans-positive’ ppl all the time

[ssaalexblake]

This week on STP.  Soap Opera: Picard commences.

(imagine me staring an 100 yard stare) 

Not even gonna go there. If I wanted to read this type of plot, I would go read it where it belongs... In a fanfic. Eh. I am withholding judgement for now under the technicality that assumptions are not canon and i’m not sure if i’m being generous to the writers for giving them the benefit of the doubt or if i’m grasping at the last few straws i have, but here we are. 

Mostly, as somebody who isn’t even a tng lover i feel bad for what is apparently being done to beverly here like damn, really??

amanda plummer aced every second of screen time she had, kudos! Was legit threatening and nice visual references, also. 

Michelle Hurd also has me by the Neck. Raffi’s been mistreated so bad. This never should have been a thing she was told to do for very valid reasons. Also, in a vaguely introspective way i’m like okay Section 31... The people working for it probably aren’t the kind of people all steeped in starfleet principles. Which is why Raffi can’t do it. She is too principled of a person. 

Honestly thought the computer handler was threatening Raffi with that comment about another body. Was legit surprised she just managed to turn the screen off. 

The convo with the ex annoyed me because like, from the character exploration they did with Raffi last season there are canonically a few good reasons her family aren’t in contact with her that are legitimately a ‘her problem’ kind of thing. This is not what happened here and i felt they unintentionally leant into some uncomfortable sexist notions when doing it. And they could easily have made that less infuriating by just leaning on last season’s work instead. But then again, from the ex’s clientele it looks like he’s not like... The Most Moral Dude Ever? Actually... going back to S1 and Raffi’s son being on hyper-futuristic-capitalism-neon-hell-planet does actually speak to certain implications i’d not thought of until this. So fine, sense was made, but this is one of those things that’s more annoying for being Mostly fine but needing tweaking imo than something just straight up annoying that i could just write off easily.

Anyway, Raffi’s problem is she is genuinely a very good person and can’t stand to watch this shit without trying to help or fix it. Which while noble, doesn’t negate all her issues, but it sucks to see her get kicked down for being the only one who cares. I feel so hard why she was so Furious with Picard in S1 now. This is a sucky story to watch but yeah yeah it works with the context of the rest of the show, which I can’t say necessarily about a lot of other things in nostalgia bait s3. Standing ovation for our last remaining new character standing. May you remain standing till the very end. Preferably with Seven. 

riker: why are you avoiding this???

picard: avoiding what???

me with fingers in my ears: yeah, avoiding what????

i next to never agree with picard (I tolerate him mostly) but sometimes he has his moments and the denial was one of them.

anyway, i think we can conclude that Shaw’s issue (aside from being a snide little butthead) is that he’s not meant for command. Not even in an insulting way, but somebody who can’t own their own decisions (blaming seven for the orders He gave, no matter how clear she was about her own feelings or the situation was out of line bc He still gave the orders) and then goes on to look the happiest he is the whole episode when an admiral forcibly takes control of his ship probably is not suited for the big chair. 

i feel very bad for laughing at the head thing. 

#that picard one #picard spoilers #idk???? i hashed this out mostly to settle my own thoughts #usually works #did not here #some of this is just fanficesque #some of it is just not for me #which are which tho

[propshophannah]

Am I the only one who thought the book had a lot of sexist undertones? Like preemptively modifying your body to MAYBE one day give birth to your man's (male's) babies? I feel like the IC never tried to let Nesta heal in her own way, they just forced her to do things they thought would be good for her, while demeaning her along the way. And the shield thing around Feyre is very reminiscent of how Tamlin treated her in ACOTAR... I don't know, a lot of the book just made me uncomfortable :/

Hi Nonnie!

First, I want to say that I’m sorry parts of this book made you uncomfortable. That’s never fun. Second…

I think we can reasonably say that no matter what we’re looking at, we can find sexism if we want to. Now that doesn’t mean that some things are not just blatantly sexist. I think with this book there is a conversation to be had about what some of us read as sexist and what some of us read as not sexist or even pro different-forms-of-feminism.

It’s sort of in the eye of the beholder.

It’s also a fantasy world that has developed under a patriarchy. So some things are just as sexist as they “should be” because that’s the world building, right? 

So, like, territorial Fae males is fully explained in the world building and is therefore fully acceptable for the books, and is also, frankly, a kink. SJM caters to that kink. So we know we’re going to get that in these books. Most if their shit is NOT okay for planet Earth. (That’s why some of us actively seek it and enjoy reading it in books.)

So let’s get in it!

Nesta modifying her body

Now as far as Nesta modifying her own body to have children one day, I don’t see that as sexist at all. Because the alternative to her altering her own anatomy is her pausing for a moment and asking Cassian if she can strip him of his faerie race and make him something else that doesn’t have wings. If that happened, we’d be getting into race and identity and all kinds of other shit that is hella problematic. 

So, no. Nesta wanting to one day birth her own children is not sexist. Nesta deciding to alter her own anatomy so that she can safely birth her own children with Cassian, is not sexist. (Now if Cassian did it without permission, then we’d have a problem!)

The IC making Nesta heal their way

Now THIS is a conversation on choice. Not sexism. Rhys has long touted that his court is a court of choices and all that. So forcing Nesta to either go to the human lands (where she’ll very likely die) or go to the House of Wind (where she can’t readily leave) and train and work everyday, is a problem. If you want to make an argument that this is the equivalent of Tamlin locking Feyre in the house, I won’t stop you. I would only ask that you consider the nuance. 

And the nuance here takes us back to world building. They don’t have psychiatric wards or mental health services or rehab centers like we do on planet Earth. Nesta needed help. AND LET ME BE REAL CLEAR: I’m not here to debate what kind of help she needed. (We could run in circles all day long debating that.) What I am saying is that they recognized that: 

Nesta’s behavior was not good, 

that THEY WERE ENABLING HER, 

that they actually had the power to do something about her situation

They do not live in a democracy. They live in a monarchy. They have and hold absolute power and rule. And while that whole intervention—or whatever the fuck that was—was absolutely TERRRRIBLE, they had every right to do what they did. Why? Because it fit the world building.

They acted like rich parents fed up with a wild teenager so they cut her off and gave her a choice between getting kicked out of the house or going to work on grandpa’s farm in the middle of BFE. Essentially that’s what they did.

Do I agree with it? Eh... they didn’t have a lot of options and SOMETHING needed to happen (I’d have been VERY ANGRY had they left her to die like that). Do I like it? FUCK NO. They went about it all wrong and it was shitty.

Abandoning her in the human lands would have been fucking murder. But do you HONESTLY, HONESTLY think Feyre would have done that??? ALSO, LET’S BE REAL: Nesta would not have stayed there long because EVERY HIGH LORD knows about her power and would want her in their court. That whole shit about the human lands likely was NOT real and was a scare tactic. It was a shitty scare tactic. But again, it fit the world building. AND Nesta’s character (cuz it worked, she didn’t ask to go to the human lands). 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

This isn’t directed at you Nonnie, but what did people think would happen? There would suddenly be psych wards and rehab centers and Feyre and Rhys would start acting with compassion and kindness and like they themselves had gone to therapy for decades and suddenly be able to convince Nesta to sign herself into one of those facilities? 

I get it’s annoying. And it’s infuriating. And some of their bullshit talking out their ass moments made me want to throw the book across the damn room. Because that’s not how you act to people in the middle of a downward spiral/crisis like Nesta was. 

But here’s the thing: they have no basis for knowing better. They don’t have mental health services. Gwyn mentioned a priestess who counsels them, but that’s NOT the same thing as a therapist or psychologist or psychiatric NP or psychiatrist.

So what did people expect?

Also. Do you think for one second, Nesta would have responded well to compassionate attempts to get her help? She hadn’t hit rock bottom yet (where compassion would have worked wonderfully *depending* on the type of rock bottom she hit). She would have seen any attempt like that as pity and she would have rebelled.

Here’s how I get over being annoyed with Feysand and Amren for that dumb af “intervention” moment: I remind myself that

They recognized she couldn’t keep going down the path she was going.

They recognized that they loved her too much to let that happen (Feyre at least). 

They recognized that they held ABSOLUTE POWER over her in their realm

They recognized that they needed to put her in a place where she had a purpose, a routine, where she couldn’t fall back on old habits, and where she had the option to talk to other trauma survivors (if she chose to) 

That’s what they knew. Putting her in the House was their only choice. So they did. And guess what? It worked. 

Now, the forcing her to train thing was BULLSHIT. You can’t force other people to change, they have to want that for themselves. But guess what? Turns out Nesta wanted to change. Because she wasn’t against training. She was only against doing it in a place where she could be judged. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

Also, exercising is FUCKING FANTASTIC for mental health. (Maas knows that.)

Now did they demean her along the way? Yes. 

Was it shitty? HELL, YES! 

Did Rhys finally learn his lesson that night with the nightmare? He sure af did! 

Did some people in the fandom expect too much from Amren? Yep. Lady was never going to show affection or be nice to Nesta. Amren shows respect. When you respect Amren, she respects you. That’s her ENTIRE character. We’re three books in with Amren. Idk why people are still butthurt about her personality. Like. You can’t get mad at Amren for not being a table when she’s always been a chair. (Doesn’t mean we have to like her behavior or anyone else’s. But it does mean that we only have ourselves to blame when she acts the way she always has.) This same logic applied to Mor and Feyre and Elain etc.

Also. Did them acting like assholes drive the plot forward? IT SURE AF DID! If they had acted differently the book wouldn’t be as good as it is.

The shield around Feyre

If you want to make the argument about how this is a Tamlin thing to do, I won’t stop you. But again, I’ll ask you to consider the nuance and the world building. 

In a world where anyone can scent a pregnancy, would you not try to hide your ruler’s pregnant scent and body from enemies and potential attacks? I would! 

Is it a little territorial? Yes. 

Does that make sense for the world building and what we know about Fae males? Yep! 

Could Feyre have told Rhys to cut the shit? Yes. 

Is it possible Feyre *maybe* use the lie of Rhys and Helion(?) having fun with shield as an excuse to have it around herself? Yeah. I’d probably do it. 

Look, if Feyre hadn’t wanted the shield, it would have been gone. They said it was a compromise, but you can’t tell me Rhys would force a shield around her against her own will (or that she, The Cursebreaker, wouldn’t bust through it in a heartbeat).

Sorry if this comes off as salty, Nonnie! I don’t mean to be. I just don’t really understand why people get mad at stuff in books *that’s perfectly reasonable* for the world building when the alternative that they would prefer would be out of character, out the world building, or create plot holes etc. 

Hope this helps!

#ACOSF spoilers #acosf spoiler #acosf sexist #mini critique #acosf critique #nesta archeron #cassian #nessian #azriel #tamlin #feysand #sexist rhys #overprotective rhys #territorial Fae bullshit

[cerberus253]

You rarely get asked about the Ice Crew, but in the past moments I was entertained reading your headcanons on them and now am curious, what characteristic a girl/woman would need to have (both psychological and physical, I would say more psychological🙆🏼‍♀️) to be a part of them? Even not a part but just like friends/besties whatever, nothing romantic.

(yeah some self-insert right here💃🏼)

(Congrats! This was the first ask I was not notified about, so if this is weeks to months late, you now know why)

A bro, really. I feel like the girl would have to be some sort of tom-boy and be okay with just being a bro. Coming from personal stuff, I always had guy friends, and still have the majority being guys, and they all seem to appreciate my acceptance to, how should I put this, topics that you cannot just have with any girl? Like, sex stuff and jokes, dark humor, controversies with gender/sex topics, and stupid-simple humor like fart jokes, and simple convos like how good toast is that it could pop a boner or something XD It very much comes from understanding how the male sex is, but not in the "they're pigs" sense. Yes, they are different from women, and yes, they can control their actions, but what I find infuriating, and so do a lot of guys, is that women view them as absolutely disgusting, simple minded animals that just want to stick their dicks in anything and feelings mean nothing.

I'm going to stop myself here with this because I could go on and on about how unfair the male sex gets treated. Yeah, some of them are awful, but not every single one is, just like females are. Hell, I come across more shitty females than males.

Anyway, it's really just being flexible with low-brow topics and humor. A girl can be drop-dead gorgeous, but if they loath George Carlin and Dave Chappelle and their humor, they ain't worth the time. Fun Fact: Yeah, guys may think that girl is sexy and have fantasies about her physically, but if she ain't cool and chill, they ain't actually gonna pursue them in any way, not even just for sex.

Sorry this became more about how guys are treated unfairly instead of the Ice Crew, but personally it goes hand in hand to me. Just... be understanding on how guys work and how just different they are than females, but not in a bad, judgemental way. Guys really like me because of how not sexist I am towards them and how I genuinely care about their emotional feelings, and hey, just about all of them just see me as a friend! Not some, "Oh she likes me? Then that means she wants to fuck me!"

Just... be cool, understanding, and not quick to judge. You don't have to like skateboarding or stealing shit, just be understanding how guys think and know that they aren't exactly females, but that isn't a bad thing, just different. I see the male sex/gender as the "happy gender" because of how they live/act simply, but not in an animalistic way, just in the "I unconsciously know what it is to be human" way.

#ask #anon #jackie chan adventures #jca #the ice crew #how to #be friends with guys

[angel-e-v-a]

I love this site a lots, and it’s really one of the things that bring me the most joy in life, but then I come—accidentally, because some people can’t tag properly so others can blacklist—upon certain posts related with/about politics and I lose faith in collective humanity.

Yeah, I know this is a blogging platform people can share anything on, and freedom of speech is a thing, but it completely kills me when I see that actually 99 percent of the people who I’ve seen discussing politics on here, don’t even have intelligence quota past what they need to be considered literate, and shouldn’t even be pronouncing word politics, let alone debating about it. 

Now, I know that there is minimum negativity on this blog, as I’m here simply for the sake of enjoying fandoms I love and making friends, but I’m simply tired of reading people pouring shit over everyone and everything just because they are unable to read a sentence and take it for what it is, and not for what they think or want it to be.

I’m sick of mediocre people who are not capable to understand they should eff out of other’s lives, because newsflash, it has nothing to do with theirs. I’m sick of people hating on everyone and everything because they are frustrated of their own failures. I’m sick of people wasting all of their lives just wailing and wailing and me having to read all of that. 

Good job, truly. *claps* 

Not only you’re making whoever named us homo sapiens roll in their grave at such speed we could power up the entire world if we hooked them to a generator, but you effectively ruined my day. 

And what I’m the sickest of is that I found one such person re-blogging things for me, and even though the one in question is blocked, I can do nothing to take the post down from their blog, and I want it badly, because you know what?

I don’t care what are you going to think about my work, I don’t care what tags you are going to attach and how are you going to interpret it. I’m not one of those people who for example wail, don’t tag my posts with destiel, wincest, don’t use my gifs for reaction posts, etc. It’s your own right and whatever makes you happy, it goes. You want to share my work out of Tumblr? Makes me ecstatic you love it so much. As a creator, I'm aware that whatever work of mine belongs to community as much as it belongs to me the moments it’s shared.

But this, the fact that I make things and they end up in hands of people who are full of hate and worst of all: hate over people/things I love, hurts and infuriates me to no end.

Now, I don’t care who you’re gonna love and hate and what you’re gonna think, your life, your rules, but I also have mine, and since there is nothing I can do to make certain people stop acting and thinking like a bunch of primates, there’s gonna be some heavy blocking.

You think there’s no stuff I hate? No persons I hate? Hell, there’s enough of them to fill ten blogs with constant 24/7 queue for years. But you’re not gonna see anything of that around here. I stay away from it. Because I don’t need something that’s gonna put me in a murder-mood for the whole day. Because I don’t need to ruin it for other people because I don’t like it. 

Yeah, I’m acting like a narcissistic bastard, but if I ever see someone whose blog is full of hate towards something/someone I love, is spouting racist and sexist shit towards any race or gender or sexuality (sorry, loves, hating white people doesn’t make you not-racist, and hating males doesn’t make you support females), I’m gonna block you immediately. 

Because I’ve right on it, and hell forbid I’m going to allow you ruin my mood every time I click on someone’s blog that appeared in my notes out of curiosity. 

So that said, before you interact with my blog in any way, pay attention to what’s on it before jumping on the wagon. Yeah, I’m nice and friendly towards those who I deem deserving, and I deem everyone who approaches to me in the same manner as such, but there should be a line on everything

So watch me block 600+ people at once, because I most certainly can. Me, who haven’t blocked a single person for all this time.

#ana talks #warning: despicable me

[alexistudies]

hi everyone! this is a warning that this post may contain sensitive or triggering topics, so please read at your own discretion.

As you all may know (or some of you, depending on how far this travels), I am a Chemical Engineering student at a predominantly white institution! I have faced not only normal educational obstacles from being a STEM major, but I also have faced lots of racial and gender issues while being a woman of color, specifically Black, in STEM. I love my institution, GO BEACH! However, I just want to shed light on my experience in case other people are experiencing similar things to let them know that you’re not alone. First, lets start with some personal background info so you don’t think I’m some random person.

Back in my day...

It honestly all started when I was younger. Growing up, I’ve always been interested in science and it has always been something I’ve been passionate about. With that, came the usual snarky comments from other elementary/middle/high school students of being a nerd, a geek, the whole package of annoying name calling. My parents always reminded me that being interested in chemistry, biology, and the like wasn’t a bad thing! But your parents are SUPPOSED to tell you that, so it never really sank in or made me feel any more comfortable with my natural interests.

Later on in high school, I actually started realizing that being a nerd is really f***ing awesome because I finally got to take more interesting classes, like Intro to Engineering and Design, as well as AP Science courses. It was my dream come true! College apps came around and I decided to attend Cal State Long Beach as ChemE. One of the main things that attracted me to CSULB was the idea of how diverse they were and how much they talked about diversity and having “no barriers”; it was the only campus where I genuinely saw all races and ethnicities, and there were more than just the usual two Black people I saw on other campus: me and my reflection. It felt like the shoe was a perfect fit. I, Cinderella, had found her glass slipper.

Oh NO!

But, my first day of classes came. And it all came crumbling down. Because I realized, that’s all it was: just talk about diversity and “no barriers”.

Now, although I had been raised in predominantly white areas where I was the (literal) black sheep, coming to college really amplified my black sheep-ness. I could count how many woman were in my classes on my hands, and an even smaller amount were women of color.

But Alexi, you were in General Ed classes, there had to be more women. Actually, not really. The way things are designed here is that my Engineering pre-reqs count for almost all of my GE’s except English and art. So, there were literally no more than 10 woman of color in all of my classes.

I started experiencing doubts once guys in my lab sections would take over when I would be working on the experiment and some would even erase my all of my work even though it was right. That particular scenario happened in a coding lab that I had to do so you can only imagine how infuriated I was. When I would have discussions with other peers (mainly cis white men), I felt like I couldn’t express my issues and concerns, especially with their passive sexist comments. On a darker note, I have been called the N word with the hard r in the middle of a class discussion, I have been told I am only at my institution due to affirmative action, and I have also had PROFESSORS tell me that I can’t do this because of slight hiccups I’ve had along the way. 

And hearing those things my freshman year of college almost broke me. All this money I had spent to come and all the loans I had taken out to get this education I had been dreaming of, all the sacrifices I had made to do well on exams and make ends meet, all of the times my friends got to go home and see their family while I was stuck in the dorms basically by myself, were being discounted because of who I was. And I had never truly experienced that until college. Being Black already makes me stand out in a plethora of situations to say the least, and mixing that with being a woman IN STEM ?? That’s the icing on the cake, man. I get racist comments, I get sexist comments. I just get the beauty of it all.

The Happy Ending You All Want To See

But, I didn’t let all those things break me. I had to remember that I was accepted on merit from high school and the fact that I showed promise, motivation, and hard work. Yeah, I suck at math which is terrible for an engineering major because math is the base for lots of shit. Yeah, I need a little extra help with my Physics homework sometimes. But that doesn’t make me any less capable than the next guy. Due to this shock, I actually had to re-enter therapy at school because I was so close to quitting SO MANY TIMES during my freshman year. I needed that reassurance that I genuinely did belong because it sure as hell didn’t feel like it. I mean, my parents were telling me I belonged and that I was doing great, but how could my own peers not accept me when we’re all working towards the same goal?

Freshman year took a lot out of me, but it didn’t take me out. Here I am, going into my 3rd year of ChemE, in a nationally recognized Scholars program to help me get to my PhD, getting over $7k in scholarships, and working an internship with almost no upper division classes under my belt.

I just want to finish this post by saying: you belong where you’re at. Don’t listen to people’s doubts. Keep striving for greatness. And this goes for all majors, all women of color, all walks of life. Keep going. You belong and you are welcome here. And sometimes that “diversity” card will pay off when you apply for scholarships, internships, etc.

#alexistudies #my masterpost #women of color #STEM #engineering #obsidianstudy #heysprouht #elkstudies #bumblebeestudy #genspen #heygen #studyign

[multiversal-archive]

((Hello guys, I have some hot fuckin’ tea, and it’s about Yamcha. Come join the tea party and take a sip, babes.

Alright, so for context, there was conversation on @dragon-ball-meta [sorry if you think it’s weird to be tagged in a random rp blog’s post I will delete it from the post if you want me to-] about the potential of a pairing between Android Eighteen and Yamcha, the majority  agreeing that the pairing really didn’t make a lot of sense. No big deal, right?

Then comes one user, I will not name them because I don’t want to turn this into a witch hunt, who basically argued “IT DOESN’T WORK BECAUSE YAMCHA IS SEXIST TRASH”

And it. Really annoyed me, you know? Especially since there seems to be this trend of shitting on Yamcha for dumb or made up reasons.

And if you know me, you know that I can’t stand people shitting on him and Krillin.

Now, Dragon Ball Meta has done a good job in rebutting against their arguments, but I wish to make a response of my own, since this character assassination has been going on for years, and I think it’s time to stop.

Fuck your memes, the only valid Yamcha meme anymore is Yamcha juggling turtle shells.

Now before I start, I’d like to preface a few things.

First, no, I do not ship Eighteen and Yamcha. Not only because of the context that Dragon Ball Meta has pointed out, but because their general characters would really make the ship make no sense. Yamcha’s fear of girls would really not mesh well with Eighteen’s ‘spit it out’ kinda attitude. Not to mention, as much as I like Bulcha, Bulma is proof that bossy women just aren’t the best match for Yamcha. He’s too passive to make the relationship work. Yamcha is so afraid of getting dumped that he just nervously accepts that she’s right, and sometimes your partner needs to be told that they’re wrong. And while Eighteen is quieter, she’s kinda bossy too. So no, I don’t see this ship working, with or without Krillin.

Second, just so there’s no mistake, no, this is not me arguing against Dragon Ball Meta. I might elaborate, or even correct him on a few things on the subject, but in general, I agree with his assessment of Yamcha’s character. This is a response to one of the users that reblogged his post. Please do not think for a second I’m trying to start beef or anything.

Also, the person will not be name dropped because one, again, no witch hunt, and two, this is unfortunately an opinion of Yamcha that the majority of the fanbase seems to hold. So I will be arguing them all to fuck.

And if you find out who it is by going to DBM’s blog, do not, I repeat, do not harass them. If you do, I will block you. No exceptions! I don’t care if you’re following me, I don’t care if you like my writing and my characterization, I don’t even care if we’re mutuals. If you harass someone over works of fiction, you’re fucking dead to me.

Third, I know that being a Yamcha roleplayer might make me biased, but believe me, in order to write for this character, I had to do a fuck ton of research, especially since I’m actually relatively new to the series [I fuckin started binge watching it last year from Dragon Ball to Dragon Ball Super, still debating on watching GT], reading up on anything that I missed so that I can stay as true to his character as possible.

That being said, the research I’ve done on this series and this character is why I think the notion of Yamcha being sexist, a cheater, etc. is erroneous.

Now, Let’s begin.

You really don’t bring up a lot of points, your main ones being one, he sees girls as objects and not people, and two, he cheated on Bulma [ah that classic misconception among fans], So I will shoot them down one at a time.

One; You claim that Yamcha is sexist, that he sees girls as objects and things to be exploited.

... When?

No, I mean it, give me one fucking example. You made the claim, the burden of proof is on you, as the one making the argument. I’ll even provide links that let you view the mangas and animes for free so you can point me to one manga panel, one episode with the time that it happens. Give me one example, and I might, might, take that claim seriously.

You also say that he feels justified in his fear and distrust of women, so he’s sexist.

Uhm....? No??? You’re right that he’s afraid of women, but distrustful??? The fuck did that come from?

Oh, but you might zone in on the fear and be like, “That’s proof enough that he’s sexist!”

Uuuuuhhhhh no.

See, fear can mean different things depending on what it’s bred by. With things such as homophobia, transphobia, and, yes, sexism, those are fears bred by hate.

In Yamcha’s case, it’s clear that that’s not his case of fear. Not only does he express his want to get over his fear so he can talk to a girl without freezing up or being a blabbering mess, hence his motivation for trying to steal the Dragon Balls from Goku and the others, but the other characters’ outright point out that he’s shy. On numerous occasions. Usually by Bulma, but still.

Not to mention that usually his reactions to being around a girl or being flirted with by one, it’s usually very anxious, leaving me to believe that he’s got some sort of social anxiety going on.

If you need proof, look no further than episode six of Dragon Ball “Keep an Eye on the Dragon Balls”, where it shows various instances of Yamcha going into panic attacks over Bulma, even going into an outright catatonic state when he realizes he accidentally grabbed Bulma’s boob. [which also discredits the notion of Yamcha seeing girls like objects, as he’s constantly horrified of seeing and touching a naked girl. If he saw girls as objects, he would have been creeping on her all to hell.]

The only reason he got over his fear with Bulma is because her safety was in jeopardy, and he had to put his fear aside to protect her. Once again, this discredits the idea of him seeing women as beneath him, as well as your other point, which I will get to in a while.

“But why is he only like that with girls?” you might ask. Well, not only is there several real life examples of boys being too shy around girls and feeling more at home with talking to boys, Yamcha has expressed wanting to get married one day. And as someone with social anxiety myself, I do find it very hard to approach people IRL because I’m afraid of being judged, if it makes sense. So it’s very easy to argue that the same could apply to Yamcha, just with girls his age.

Two; Your argument is that he cheated on Bulma and that in general, any ship with him would be abusive.

Uhm??? The only source for the cheating issue was Trunks, who got it from his mother... Who’s known to misunderstand situations Yamcha finds himself in as him cheating. Who’s known to get jealous if a girl shows interest in him, not him showing interest in the girl, but the girl showing interest in him.

Not to mention, does this look like someone that’s willing to cheat?

Because to me this looks more like someone that takes his relationship with Bulma seriously and wants to take it further. And remember, the only prompting was Goku telling Bulma to “take care of the baby” with no context.

Oh, also here’s the link to the manga page so you know I’m not bullshitting.

Oh, what’s that? You’re going to bring up the episode in Dragon Ball Z where it shows him as a baseball player? Where not only were they broken up at the time when he asked someone to go on a date with him and was talking with another girl, but the entire episode was also filler? Once again, think back to his shyness. Even Toriyama confirmed that it’s always going to be there.

“Oh but then you’ll have to say all the fun stuff like Chichi making Goku learn to drive and Yamcha, Tien, and Chiaotzu kicking the Ginyu Force’s ass.” you may say.

I mean. Yeah. It’s not canon. But unless it’s deconfirmed by Toriyama himself or doesn’t contradict established characterization, then we can still imagine that they happened. Most of the filler are things happening during timeskips anyways, or just don’t happen during the main story, so it’s really up to the imagination what all happened, and Toei did just that.

You also claim that Yamcha behaves like a fuckboi, to which I have to say bitch where?

Yeah, he was a bit annoyed that Bulma had Vegeta’s child, but that was never, I repeat, never directed at Bulma, or Trunks for that matter. In fact, by the looks of it, he was helping Bulma take care of him. It’s quite clearly directed at Vegeta.

Why?

Simply put, Yamcha’s ultimate goal was to settle down and start a family. And not only does Vegeta do that, with his ex no less, but he also just... Completely ignores them.

Can you imagine how infuriating that is, not even flaunting something they have that you don’t, but completely ignoring it like it’s nothing.

Vegeta had started this family, the family that could have been Yamcha’s, and he wasn’t even willing to take responsibility for it.

Now I’m not trying to imply that Yamcha was owed anything or that Bulma owed anyone anything. Hell, I don’t think Yamcha thought that either. I’m just trying to illustrate his mindset.

And you know what? After the Cell Games Saga, he stopped being cross with Vegeta. He’s still friendly with Bulma and Trunks, and he’s even friendly with Vegeta. Hell, when Bulla was born, he was excited to meet her.

Pretty sure if he were a fuckboy, he’d be trying to win Bulma back.

But no, he’s content with being friends with Bulma and her family. Because, at least I think, he cares about what she wants and what makes her happy. I think so long as she’s happy with what she has, then he’s happy too.

Does that sound like a fuckboy to you?

“Well then why did they break up? Are you saying Bulma did something wrong?”

No.

Just like in real life, sometimes break ups don’t happen because one slighted the other.

Sometimes things just don’t work out.

Think about it, throughout the series, up until the Android Arc, their relationship has been on and off, usually Bulma accusing him of cheating. And like I pointed out earlier in the post, Yamcha is just too passive to make the relationship work. If he were more assertive and willing to stand his ground and assure her that no, he’s not cheating, then maybe it would have had a better chance of working. 

I think at this point, the healthiest thing for them was that they stopped being in this relationship. For good.

And if their break up was really the result of one of them wronging each other, they would not still be friends.

So, can we end this character assassination? It’s been going on for yeas, and it needs to stop. Same with Krillin’s character assassination.

The memes may have been funny once upon a time, but they’re getting old now. And people are starting to view them as canon.

And that’s it for my tea. If you have something you wish to add or to correct me on, please be sure to share your thoughts. I’d love to know. ^^

Sorry that this is so long and probably all over the place holy fuck-))

#OOC #yamcha #long post #tea

[wasneeplus]

Responding to the Alt-Right playbook, part 1

Disclaimer: I wrote this after seeing the first four minutes of the video. While watching the rest I noticed a few things I bring up are addressed later, though in such a way as to lead to even more questions. Still, I think most of it stands, and it’s still useful as a kind of stream of consciousness response, so I’ll leave it untouched.

Sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning when I just finished reading my newspaper, I will enjoy myself with a few infuriating youtube videos. Lately I’ve been quite disillusioned by the part of youtube calling itself liberal spouting nationalist propaganda at my beloved European project, so I’ve switched to some corners of the website which are friendlier to my blood pressure. That’s how I came across a video called "The Alt-Right Playbook: The Card Says Moops” by Innuendo Studios. Apparently he is somewhat of a big deal with his 150k plus subscribers, though I never heard of him. Just two minutes into the video though I knew I was going to write this response. While it didn’t make me angry the way I might have been in the past, there’s just so much wrong here, I cant bottle this up any longer.

Say, for the sake of argument, you’re online blogging about a black journalists’ commentary on marketing trends in video games, movies and comic books and you’re saying how the vitriol in response to her fairly benign opinions reveals the deep seated racism and misogyny in a number of fan communities, most especially those that lean right,...

Quite an unlikely scenario since I’m not in the business of assuming ones leanings on race, gender or politics based on their opinions on movies, games or comic books, but let’s roll with it I guess.

...When a right leaning commenter pops in to say: “Or maybe they just actually disagree with her about marketing trends! For Christs sake, there’s no mystery here. People aren’t speaking in coded language. They are telling you wat they believe. She had a bad opinion. Why do you have to make it bigger than that? Why can’t you ever take people at their word?”

Here’s where I feel validated in making this response, because while I don’t consider myself right leaning, as hard as that might be to believe for some, this is exactly the kind of response I might have given. So props to Innuendo Studios for accurately portraying an argument of one of his opponents. Unfortunately he then continues:

You pause and ponder this for a moment. Hmmm. Uh heck with it! You’re in a discoursing mood. Let’s do this! Mister conservative, in order for me to take you at your word your words would have to show some consistency. Let me just lightning-round a few questions about the reactionary web’s positions on marketing trends.

The first major problem should be obvious to anyone right about now. How is anyone supposed to answer for the “reactionary web”? Hell, I don’t even know what that’s supposed to be. The caricature in the video wears a 4chan logo on its chest, so maybe he’s referring to the /pol/ imageboard. Well, I don’t hang out there, and I’m pretty sure most of the people who would have been critical of that opinion piece don’t either. Therefore I feel justified in ignoring that particular remark and just give my own answers to these questions. After all:  the people on /pol/ are clearly not the only ones he’s talking to at this point.

Do you believe that having the option to romance same sex characters in an rpg turns the game into queer propaganda...

No. On a side note though: the video at this point shows an image of the game Mass Effect. I remember when that game came out there was some controversy over the game showing sex scenes between the characters. Remember that this was but a few years sine the GTA hot coffee mod upheaval, so people where a bit more sensitive about such things. But never have I heard anyone complain about the same sex romance options. I can imagine there were a few disapproving voices but I never came across them, even though I followed the launch very closely at the time.

...or do you believe that killing strippers in an action game can’t be sexist because no one’s making you do it?

I believe it can be sexist, but I never seen an example of it actually being sexist. Not because no one makes you do it, though. It’s because the amount of strippers killed in video games pales in comparison to the amount of other people killed. I’m willing to bet that video games depict more men being killed by women than the other way around, with the vast majority being male on male killings. The fact that there’s one or two games where a man has the option to kill some female sex workers hardly seems significant in that light.

Do you believe that the pervasiveness of sexualised young women in pop culture is just there because it sells and that’s capitalism and we all need to deal with it...

Yes, for the most part. I guess one can add a few nuances here and there, but that about covers the gist of it.

...or do yo believe that a franchise has an obligation to cater to its core audience even if diversifying beyond that audience is more profitable?

Ooh boy, where do I start? Okay, first of all: those two are not mutually exclusive. I know there is this pervasive idea in some parts of western culture that people can only identify with others of the same sex, race and/or cultural background, but that’s just not true. As such it’s perfectly possible to be both diverse and give your core audience what they want. Criticism of a failure to do the second does not automatically translate to criticism of succeeding at the first. Where the two usually meet is when creators use the first as an excuse to take away from the second, either because of their own incompetence or their disinterest in the franchise they are working on. 

Which brings us to our second point: while diversity does not have to hurt a franchise, too often creators are too lazy to put effort in making sure it doesn’t because they haven’t got their priorities straight. They think that covering their bases in terms of diversity is the most important thing and everything else is an afterthought. The movie Star Wars: The Last Jedi, who’s cast is partly depicted in the video at this point, is actually a perfect example of this. No one thought Finn and Rose were such interesting characters that audiences wanted to see an entire subplot devoted exclusively to them. They were clearly there just to tick some boxes, not because of a creative spark that led an artist to lovingly craft these characters. The result was perhaps the most universally despised part of the movie, at least among hardcore fans. And yeah, they do deserve a bit more consideration than any other demographic, don’t you think? They are the ones who made this into a franchise to begin with. Without them this movie wouldn’t even have been made.

Lastly: there is a reason the saying “get woke, go broke” exists. If Rose was just there to appeal to Asian markets that would be one thing. I do think there’s something to the idea that putting characters of the same race as the target audience in your movie makes them easier to market. The thing is though: it didn’t work! The movie bombed in China, and I think that’s also because of the messages the creators were trying to send. To take a timeless hero’s journey narrative like Star Wars and try to insert current events and political messages in it just can’t end well. Yet, the creators persisted, and this is reflective of a lot of the culture behind those narratives. When a political message becomes the driving force behind the creative process it’s almost certain to produce sub par results. A creator has to be extremely talented to pull this off, and lets face it: most aren’t up to the task. Instead the art devolves into soulless political propaganda, and this is what stings people who love the franchise so much. Me personally, I am a big fan of making the political personal when you want to convey a political message. We can identify with personal struggles much more than with abstract political ideas. So characters should always be the focus, even if you want to make a statement.

Do you think words are inherently harmless and only oversensitive snowflakes would care about racialised language...

Words? Yes. The ideas expressed by those words? No. That’s why intention is so important to me, and the “oversensitive snowflakes” who focus on just the words are so not helping the debate in my opinion.

...or do you think it’s racist if someone calls you mayonaise boy?

Probably, yes. Though I can’t think of any reason why someone would call me that, other than to insult me by way of my race. On the other hand, I do really like mayonaise...

And as long as I’ve got your ear: are you the party that believes in the right to keep and bear arms because you’re distrustful of all authority and what if we need to overthrow the government some day...

No, no and no. I am not a party, nor am I affiliated with any party that espouses those kinds of opinions on the possession of arms. I personally do not believe in the right to bear arms, though I’m not especially passionate about it one way or the other. I guess being Dutch means I'm not really caught up in any debate surrounding arms, since it’s a bit of a non-issue here. Also: while I think authority should always be scrutinised, I wouldn’t characterise this as distrust.

...or do you believe that cops are civil servants and we should trust their account of events whenever they shoot a black man for looking like he might have a gun.

Well, aren’t cops civil servants? I seem to remember so. Anyway, I don’t think “looking like they might have a gun” is ever a good excuse to shoot anyone, so there you have it. Do keep in mind that we send cops out on the street partly to use force in neutralising dangerous individuals, so we shouldn’t be surprised when that gets out of hand sometimes. But honestly, I am not well informed enough on this topic to know how much trust to put in any side of this issue. I think looking at this on a case by case basis is the only thing we can do.

Does optional content reveal a game’s ideology, or doesn’t it?

Not necessarily, no

Is capitalism a defence for decisions you don’t agree with, or isn’t it?

That’s a rather broad statement. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. It depends on what you are trying to defend.

Is language harmful, or not?

If you use it to promote harmful ideas, then yes.

Do you hate authority, or love cops and the troops?

Neither, really. I don’t hate authority just for being authority, and if anything soldiers and cops invoke pity in me. I guess that comes from growing up with  a PTSD ridden veteran for a father.

Well, that’s the end of the questions. One might think I wasted a lot of time going through that, because shortly afterwards he goes on to say:

Now, I know the right is not a monolith and maybe these arguments are contradictory because they’re coming from different people.

Gee, you think? However, what then follows is an excuse to lump al these people together anyway.

We’ll call them Engelbert and Charlemagne. Maybe Engelbert’s the one who thinks any institution funded by tax money is socialist and therefore bad, and Charlemagne’s the one who says we should dump even more tax money into the military and thinking otherwise is unamerican.

I happen to hold neither of those opinions. Yes, it is actually possible to completely stand behind the hypothetical statement you made in the beginning of the video, and not subscribe to typical right wing convictions like that. But I know that there are people who do, so let’s see where his is going.

But here’s the thing: y’all have have very fundamentally different beliefs and you’re so passionate bout them that you’re entering search terms into twitter to find people you don’t even follow and aggressively disagree with them...

That’s quite a lot of assumptions there mate. I don’t think this is even a remotely fair representation of your opposition. Certainly not true for me. I don’t even have a twitter account (no, I wasn’t kicked off. I never had an account there to begin with), let alone do I ever browse that website. Putting that aside though, how do you know if there’s anyone who actually does this? People can retweet things after all; maybe that’s how they find the contentious twitter users. I found your video because youtube recommended it, and I clicked on it because the title intrigued me. I didn’t set out to look for things to disagree with, despite my quips at the beginning of this piece.

...and yet you’re always yelling at me, and never yelling at each other.

Certainly not true either. I've had quite a few online arguments with alt-righters, who in my opinion differ from actual Nazi’s in only slight and insignificant ways, and fervent nationalists. Of course that’s never going to garner the kind of attention as when Sargon of Akkad sends a mean tweet to a female politician. Speaking of Carl, his vicious disagreement with the alt-right is well documented, and their hatred for him caused quite a few equally vicious attacks against him and his family. But I don’t blame you for not knowing that. The majority of both of their vitriol is still directed at the extreme left, and why shouldn’t it? I don’t think there is an extremist position so pervasive in the western media these days. Again: there is no alt-right equivalent of Star Wars: the Last Jedi, because none of those people work in Hollywood, or anywhere else of note (with the possible and unfortunate exception of the white house).

...and I can’t say how often it happens, but I know if I let Engelbert go on long enough he sometimes makes a Charlemagne argument and vise versa.

Either you’re saying that both of them contradict themselves while framing it in quite an unnecessarily suggestive way, or you’re displaying a rather tribalist mindset in which worldviews can never overlap. Either way, I don’t think the following statement is justified...

See, I don’t take you at your word because I cannot form a coherent worldview out of the things you say.

The fault might lie with you in this case I’m afraid. The reason I went over those questions in the beginning is to show that it is perfectly possible to have consistent views on all of those issues and still be counted among those who would oppose you on this one. I don’t think you really know who it is that you’re projecting all this on. You think my worldview has to have inconsistencies if I disagree with you on the nature of the discourse surrounding popular media, but you’ve yet to correctly identify any. I think the saying “truth resists simplicity” is one you should tale to heart a lot more. Case in point:

Why are you so capable of respecting disagreement between each other yet so incapable of respecting me, or, for that matter, a black woman.

While that may seem like a coherent statement at a first glance, it actually betrays an incredibly simplistic way of looking at things. You see, you’re comparing three entirely different things one can respect: the fact of genuine disagreement between two parties, you, an individual person, and any given black woman, that is: a demographic. The first has to be respected, otherwise discourse is impossible. Though it must be said that me and the alt-right probably have very little respect for each others motivations, but unlike you the alt-right doesn’t ever really ask for my respect. The second deserves respect only when earned, and the third deserves neither respect nor disparagement, because it’s an incredibly varied group of people, some of whom deserve respect and some of whom don’t.

It kinda seems like you’re playing games and I’m the opposing team, and anyone who’s against me is your ally...

That entirely depends on what we’re talking about, doesn’t it? If we’re talking about diversity in media and the issues surrounding it, I will find myself on one side of the board surrounded by people I would usually disagree with, and you would find yourself on the other side, presumably only surrounded by people who agree with you one hundred percent of the time. It seems you think it a bad thing that people can temporarily overcome their differences when faced with a common problem. That’s why some call you radical: you cannot ally with anyone who isn’t in complete lockstep with you, because they are not pure enough in their conviction. But that’s what fracturing societies are made of, so if you don’t mind I’ll stick to my methods. If that leaves you outnumbered on your side of the board it’s because you chose to champion a very unpopular opinion, and I can’t help that.

...and you’re not really taking a position, but claiming to believe in whatever would need to be true in order to score points against me.

If I did that then why even bother engaging with me? Clearly I don’t actually believe anything I say, so there’s no need to convince me otherwise. Are you sure it’s me who is supposed to have contradictory opinions? But in all seriousness, I don’t see why I would ever adopt such a strategy unless I’m either just a troll or addicted to arguments, and hey: there are people like that, but they don’t represent your entire political opposition. Get a grip.

After that we get the title drop, which, I have to admit, was really clever and amusing. I never watched Seinfeld, but maybe I should. Anyway, my free Saturday is passing me by like a speeding train, so I will continue this later.... maybe.

#innuendo studios #alt-right #chan culture #SJW

[chinesegal]

An open letter to an asshole

“”Barely a day ago I came across the smoldering heap of garbage known as the article “ You Dress Up For Farmageddon “. It was posted on a blog known as dan-mindless. Dan the mindless militant moroni radveeg is apparently veeeeeeeeeeeeeryyyy angry that an ex-vegetarian woman named Jenna Woginrich has decided to become a farmer, so much that he has decided to write his reactionary brainfarts on the internet for all to see. Unluckily for him, I will mock every thing he says and prove that his mind truly is as empty as his name suggests.

Lets begin.

“ You probably thought that Melanie Phillips wrote the most aggravating newspaper article recently, and, yeah, she did. But Jenna Woginrich's article, which was brought to my attention when Michael Legge got angry about it on his blog, is the one that has sparked genuine human emotion in me.”

Human emotions? Sure, asshole. Anyway, both you and your big idol Legge are pretentious militant vegan twats I usually ignore, I’m just gonna say that.

“ Woginrich stopped being vegetarian because she loves animals. "Don't you mean started being a vegetarian?" I hear you ask. Nope. "Don't you mean because she hates animals?" You continue. Nope. She loves animals so much, that not only did she start eating them again, but she farms them herself. “

Dude, (or woman or enby, I don’t care) you are saying that if you eat meat, you hate animals. That is the most infuriatingly idiotic statement I have seen in a long time. Also, Jenna realized that her problem with meat was because of how the animal was raised, not that it had to die. That might be an opinion you strongly disagree with, but I don’t.

“ I get irrationally angry when I hear this fashionable, middle-class claim that battery farming is an infringement of the rights of animals, so people should only buy free range products. If you are going to give animals rights, give them the right to life. Otherwise whats the point? I know it is better for animals to be farmed uncaged, of course it is, but either way they're going to get eaten.”

Irrational is practically your middle name, fucker. As queen of the evil beef-devouring bloodmouths I dub thee sir Dan-irrational-maggothead-fuckwit Mindless. 

But anyway, let’s get this straight: Trying to improve welfare standards for animal agriculture, an industry that won’t go away anytime soon is “fashionable” and “middle-class” but assuming that every single human on the planet can go vegan or vegetarian is not? And no vegan or vegetarian is rich and middle-class? 

“ In a way I have more time for people who say animals have no rights at all. At least they're consistent. Unlike this claim that animals should have some rights, but not the biggie. It's as if the likes of Woginrich don't actually care about animals at all. I'm not saying they just do the free range thing because its The Guardian-friendly and generally groovy, without any genuine concern for animals at all. Oh wait, yes I am, that's exactly what I'm saying. “

Dear sir Fuckwit, there is NOTHING inconsistent about wanting higher welfare standards instead of envisioning a completely vegan world. And you don’t know Woginrich or her feelings about animals. Who in the seven hells and heavens would actually become a farmer, something that takes a lot of skill, preparation and hard work just for attention?

“ Woginrich's article is also infuriating because it contains bizarre phrases that make no fucking sense, such as:For me, it took a return to carnivory to live out the ideals of vegetarianism. Food is a complicated religion. Let's consider that for a second. I'll ignore the phrase "Food is a complicated religion" because it seems that's what she did as she wrote it. She claims that she returned to carnivory in order to fulfil "the ideals of vegetarianism." Now I'm no expert, I'm fairly new to vegetarianism, but I think, I think, the ideals of vegetarianism involve not eating meat. And, again I may be wrong, but I think carnivory involves eating meat. So she eats meat in order to live the life of not eating meat. “

Actually, Woginrich has explained before that she realized her vegetarian diet was far from cruelty-free. Therefore she decided to open up a homestead and grow much of her own food which believe it or not, causes less harm than both the diets of most practising scavengers AND vegans. 

“ This sense of smug self-satisfaction that oozes out of Woginrich's article is sickening. She, like all the rich, middle-class people who sanctimoniously advocate free range produce as a great kindness to animals, looks down her nose at the people who can't afford free range and organic food, and also at vegetarians, the people who unlike her, genuinely give a shit about animals. “

The “smug self-satisfaction” you are preaching about wouldn’t even be a drop in a swimming pool compared to your holier-than-thou ass, mr Fuckwit. 

Also, a militant vegan calling someone “sanctimonious” literally gave me brain cancer from the lack of self-awareness. And oh, “rich, middle-class”? Women who are ranchers only make around 35000 dollars a year, maggotbrain. And lastly, I, an evil bloodmouth looks down my pinocchio-sized nose from the top of mount Everest on militant radveegs like you who honestly believe that anyone who doesn’t live your lifestyles is a disney villain. Really, all the people I have known who are closest to nature AND amazing people I’m gonna tag at the end of this aren’t yuppie radveegs in 3-story condos but hunters, trappers and general animal-welfarists.

“ Woginrich has confused the notion of caring about animals with the notion of being a big cunt. She runs her own farm, and I think it takes a certain kind of person to personally kill an animal. Most meat eaters would probably feel uneasy about actually killing an animal themselves, and anyone who actually cares about animals in the slightest would never kill an animal, unless they were a vet or the animal was clearly suffering. To actually personally kill an animal to eat it takes someone with no care for animals.”

“Cunt”? Don’t say that you are a misogynist too, mr Mindless. Why do I get the feeling that you would be the kind of person to harass women online?

You called every single farmer on the planet a psychopath, wow. Tell that to my mother. You see, she was raised by her mother and father, my maternal grandparents to be precise. Both of them grew up in rural China and learned to butcher animals from an early age. Despite living in a country with a long history of religious vegetarianism. But my mother and every family member I know knew him as a caring, compassionate man who made sure his daughter had everything she needed. She would suckerpunch you in the face if she knew you called him a murderer. 

“ So I'll leave you with the (slightly altered) words of the great philosopher Peter Singer: "All animals are equal. Except Jenna Woginrich. She's just a cunt." “

Calling a woman an animal, how proglessive (sexist).

And finally, fuckwit makes snide little remarks about how anyone is supposed to take Woginrich’s recommendations for buying from small-scale farmers seriously if she is one herself, and to that I say one thing: Go Fuck Yourself.

@dairyisntscary @agro-carnist @avatar-dacia @defilerwyrm @hostilepopcorn @smellyoldblanket @shitpetasays @zooophagous @trapperweasel @discourseful @thehornedwitch @unsuspectingfish @younghaunting

#militant vegans #diet evangelists #small-scale farming #bloodmouth pride

[ekrochford]

“All must be known.”

-- Dave Eggers, The Circle

WOW, there is actually no sentence that sums up this freaky, frightening, fictional company more than that.

I picked up The Circle on a layover at the Denver airport (it was between that and Pillars of the Earth, and I already had a medieval-ish series going right then). It is not marketed as a horror novel, but let me tell you. Let me just tell you.

Ok, not THAT horrifying, but absolutely terrifying in a very different way.

(It remake was the bomb, just throwing that out there.)

A rundown, if you’ll read on.

Mae Holland is offered a job at the prestigious, shiny, glittery, wonderful start-up the Circle thanks to a college friend who’s climbed high in the company. Dazed and amazed, she’s the sort of girl who does her best under praise, and believe me, there’s plenty of that at the Circle. Founded by the three wise men (the tech genius Ty, the favorite-uncle-figure Eamon, and the business shark Tom), the Circle is a deceptively utopian, but ultimately vicious new face of everything from software to health insurance. They’ll give you everything you need-- in return, they want to know everything you are, everything you’ve ever seen, everything you’ve ever done. As you read The Circle, you slowly begin to realize that there are more things in your life that you prefer to keep private than you first realized.

It’s like your entire life is now on Facebook, and there are no privacy settings. Everyone can look up anything about anyone, everyone, else.

I lost some sleep after finishing this book; readers who are a bit paranoid to begin with may want to abstain.

There are some things I want to poke at--my fear blinded me for a while, but in retrospect, I have some complaints.

First, and most important, why in hell is Kaldin interested in Mae to begin with? This plot hole didn’t seem so strange to me, at first, but by the end of the book, when you discover Kaldin’s identity, it really doesn’t make sense. I can see why Kaldin targeted Mae to help him in his ultimate goal, but he seemed to be approaching her in a romantic way from the start. Why? In a book that is otherwise airtight, this is like a pressure leak. I know all young males are supposed to be ultra-horny all the time (sexist that I am), but really. He literally could have had any number of girls, prettier girls, smarter girls, more interesting girls. Mae is very bland and malleable, which offers the unpleasant possibility that Kaldin purposely sought her out because she’d give him what he wanted--not impossible, but not in line with his character. In a symbolic way, their relationship is obvious, but this isn’t a very symbolic book. Most of The Circle is terribly clear (even the Trench discoveries). I’ll let it go, overall, but I’d be interested to hear Eggers explain further.

I’m probably just jealous, because anyone else having sex at work is just a reminder of what I could be spending my time on instead of being a responsible adult.

I’m also a little disbelieving that no one else is seeing Tom Stenton jerking off to the possibilities of world domination at his fingertips while all these dumb millennial kids are dreaming their utopian dreams. Seriously? Guy is almost a caricature of Wolf of Wall Street.

Eamon Bailey knows. He knows...

I’m not going to be able to enjoy Forrest Gump if I watch this movie, I know it...

I tell you, it’s really hard to think about this book and find things I liked. It was a good book, believe me, but it’s all just so... real...

But there are definitely goods to find. Setting aside my personal feelings of horror, the style is clean and efficient, very modern and very compatible with the clean, modern feel of the Circle campus and the premise at hand. Eggers keeps a tight clip throughout, never bogging down on too many details, and the results are a stream-lined psychological thriller.

Maybe he didn’t mean to write a psychological thriller, but it sure kept me on the edge of my seat. *coughs*

The characters were a real kick, too. In a world of cut-and-paste, Eggers brings a deliciously unpredictable cast of relatable kooks, infuriating idiots, and careful planners that mesh like Velcro.

But don’t think I didn’t catch Dr. Villalobos, Dave. Just because Mae notes that she’s too gorgeous to be a doctor, doesn’t mean you get away with it. (justkiddingyou’rehumanliketherestofusyoucanhavethisone)

And that Francis asshole! Ugh! I just want to punch him in the throat!

Preeeeeetty much like that, yeah.

Overall, I would hand The Circle to just about anyone looking for a slow-burning drift into the world of invasive monitoring. Are there people out there looking for that? Because we have it here. Right here.

Let’s put numbers to it.

7/10 Voice. Clear and concise, but not remarkable. I’d put Eggers above average in this read, but not in the ‘great’ category. Nothing masterful or artistic in his form, just exactly what it needs to be, no more.

9/10 Characters. Look, I adore the hell out of Eggers’ cast. Really! True, Ty, Eamon, and Tom are exactly what they look like, but that’s the point of the Circle: transparency. Everyone is what they seem, because you can know everything they are. The real mind-trip with all these characters is the way they react to the stark truth of each other. *shivers* But no, you can’t have 10/10 Eggers because I just don’t freaking buy Kaldin being so attracted to Mae out of literally nowhere. Humans don’t naturally magnetize to the inner beauty of others off the street. It’s not a thing--even if it was, we all get to know Mae pretty well by the end of the book... I’m not buying it.

10/10 Story. I still can’t sleep if I think about this too much before bed. I would have given anything to change the end of the book, but all of it would have been ruined if I’d gotten my wish. The entire book hurtles in terrible, traceable pattern to an inevitable end, and with THAT ONE EXCEPTION, none of it should be altered. Nothing removed. Nothing added. It’s awful and chilling and scary as an oncoming train.

Now, I better go find a princess movie to watch--before I start making designer tin-foil hats. 8.6/10 ain’t nothing to shake a stick at, if I do say so myself. Just don’t read if you’re the sort of person who looks at their laptop camera and wonders who’s looking back.

The Circle, I promise, will take away your peace of mind, my friends, but sometimes we can all use a little unease. Especially when that unease comes from a stabbing shred of truth not so deep beneath the fiction.

#the circle #mae holland #kaldin #ty gospodinov #eamon bailey #tom stenton #annie #circlers #all must be known #SeeChange #surveillance #start-up #California #kayak #MS #Mercer #Francis #software #connectivity #frightening tech #invasive monitoring

[lakambinimagph]

Breaking News: Women are not just women

      Ever wondered why most of the time CEOs of companies are often portrayed by men in television shows or movies? Have you ever imagined how women work different kinds of jobs? Do you think they are treated equally inside a workplace? If your answer is yes to my last question, your answer’s wrong. Women are discriminated in the workplace due to so many reasons like gender stereotypes, or sexual libido of other co-employees. These are all brought by patriarchy. Patriarchy is already fading since women have already built a firm ground to stand up for themselves, yet its remnant still haunts the women of today.

      Patriarchy is the form of social organization where males predominantly control the society. We may root the start of patriarchy in the years the stories in the Bible took place. Inside the Bible’s setting, male dominance is easily tracked. Names in the lineages mentioned in the Bible are all men, except that women are the wives. All the prophets are male. Also, there is a notion that patriarchy is actually rooted from how humans survived in the early times. Being the men have the “capabilities” to hunt food thus they are the ones who provide and the ones their families depend on. Then, everything escalated from there. Basically, men have more power than all the other genders, which is really evident today. But for this article, we’d elaborate and debunk how men’s power take over and discriminates women of all sorts.

Restrained Women

      Unlike the early times, families inside today’s society do not only depend on their male members. Women inside families can now be depended on to bring income and help in the maintaining of the family. Hence, women nowadays are and should not be acquainted & limited to domestic chores only. Today, women has the capacity to compete with other genders, namely male. But for some reason, women can’t always advance to higher positions in their working environment. This is what we can call the ‘glass ceiling effect.’ Well, not that, all women would be so career-oriented that they’d only focus on reaching the top ranks of their respective companies. It’s actually about higher-ranking officials in companies preferring women because of their bias with men. The only reason for this is sexism. Apparently, there is a study which revealed that only 7-9% at numerous firms’ upper management are women. With this effect, it requires women to strive harder than others. Women are not given the luxury to laze around.

       Notably, there are women who have shattered the glass ceiling. For some Americans, Hillary Clinton shattered the glass ceiling with her powerful arrive as a politician in the American politics. In the Philippines, no one have thoroughly shattered the glass ceiling. It can be Rappler’s Maria Ressa who have stood her ground agains the attacks of the government, but look what it brought her —more atrocities thrown at her doorstep. Also, women, who have dismissed the glass ceiling effect are famous relatives or daughters of prominent & powerful people and not because of their abilities and honor, like Sara Duterte. We all know this woman is climbing out the ladder of politics way faster than anyone else, thanks to her daddy.

Labeled Women

      People love to stereotype things. People likes putting labels at something they actually do not have much knowledge on. Women are victims of stereotyping (well, every gender is, except women is the focus of the article). Women are stereotyped by their unique characteristics, whether it’s biological or not. One example is when we get stereotyped for being the emotional kind because we get our periods monthly. I would say, yes, it actually has a bearing with our everyday moods, especially when the period’s coming up. But, hell, our emotional state and periods do not have to affect our work and contributions to the work force. Employers should look at the quality of the work women employees give them and not their gender. Having a period and all its side effects are already a monthly hellish experience. Unfortunately, working in a patriarchal society quite adds to the hellish experience.

      Aside from this, when the additional 100 days paid leave for mothers after giving birth, news articles revealed how companies then prefer hiring men more than women. Apparently, having a womb and being pregnant is a massive con in looking for job. The next thing we know, pregnancy will be a mortal sin. By the way, it is also quite interesting to note how sexual intercourse is connected with a woman’s promotion. What does it mean? It means, most often than not, when a woman is promoted, people think she got laid with the employer or her boss to get the promotion. As infuriating as it may seem, it happens in real life.

Prejudiced Women

       If you think, the things I have mentioned above are already enough to be called discrimination, —well, yeah— but there’s more. In the Philippines, there 76% of women and working mothers who gets discriminated inside their workplace. Workplace discrimination takes a lot of forms, like discriminating statements, or gender-based pay, or workload opportunities. For example, in the agricultural sector of the Philippines, men are paid higher than women just because men are men, and women are women. This gender-based pay is a real obstacle for most works across the Asia-Pacific region. A study showed that men earn more than 45% of a women’s earnings in a private corporation. Professionals have already written lots of articles that target companies to rethink their pay system. Yet, nothing changes.

     Aside from this, did you know that discrimination may take place the moment you are up for a job interview? It is said that when the human resource officer asks you about having children and family, it might be a discriminating factor for the company. Reasonably, you should critically think about the connection of having children with the work you are applying for.

What now?

      What I just said in a thousand words already are just some of the atrocities women of today experience. I could go on and on. (But I think, we should now think of inspiring statements to uplift our womanhood). We’ve already identified some of the things patriarchy brings to us. What now? Should we then stop trying to gain equality in this patriarchal society? It’s up to you.

      As for me and the staff behind this magazine, we won’t stop trying to achieve the long-overdue equality women deserve. Besides, countless of women have already stood their ground and sacrificed a lot to break the stereotypes, to break the patriarchy since time immemorial. Do you think it’s our place to give up now?

Get up. Write an article. Inspire other women. Prove sexists wrong. Fight back. Overthrow a misogynist. Love yourself.

After all, you are a woman and not just a woman. You can do anything.

Words by Daoden Kate Sarmiento

Graphics by Jannah Lei Junatas

#not so delicate #women #empowerment #gender-based pay #sexism #patriarchy #feminism #womanhood #go girl

[katakiiysm]

Steven Universe Season 4 (RANT)

I don’t post very often on tumblr but i really needed to get this off my chest im genuinely really angry about this.

So i have been watching Steven Universe since the early season 1 days. So i have been around long enough to see the writing go through changes, characters, stories, writers, etc etc. One of the first things that bothered me was the idea of Steven becoming more love-y than how ready he was to fight in Jailbreak but i just took it as him trying to be more like Rose in a way, as the story had been so good so far i wasn’t going to question the writers too much. Yet as we neared season 4, i felt like the writing seemed to get lazier and lazier. And it ended up with us getting basically an entire season of filler. At first it was fine sure, the filler was actually kind of a nice break after the huge Steven Month back in June/August 2016, full of all these reveals and angst. But it at one point just became disgusting to watch. No one would have thought there would be so much filler in a single season, hell even season 1 didn’t have this much in it. It was just frustrating after a while. it became boring and a pain to watch, no one even cared if it was on hiatus or not anymore and the ratings seemed to drop. Yet the fandom, including me and a few of my friends, kept to the hope that we would get something, something everyone had waited for since the leaks for season 4 had risen: gem harvest. Everyone clearly thought it was going to be about how Peridot in the episode where she was unbubbled, saw their room full of bubbled corrupted, shattered, and normal gems, kept within the room. She says in fear, ‘’You ARE GOING TO HARVEST ME?!’’ (something along those lines) so of course everyone was excited as hell for this episode. Finally no more filler, we get story again! No. we got a racist uncle that was in one of the worst episodes in maybe the entire series. He took up a half an hour special, and he was redeemed! with Steven’s loving and peace made his heart melt and made him slightly less sexist and an asshole- its fine! People eventually got over it, we had a few more boring episodes, one with Steven and his family talking about his first winter...it was alright. But then. Came the January-Steven-bomb, which was sadly leaked: But it was something people most definitely needed to get back into the series. Yet, it was just alright. We got little to no answers, besides a few tid bits from the diamonds. Blue diamond was suddenly trying to be redeemed after being shown as a homophobic dictator in the answer. Who also still to this day owns slaves. Yellow diamond was actually pretty interesting but we got almost nothing on her sadly. I was still pretty happy to get...something after an entire season of filler. Most of the writing seemed kinda rushed and a little boring, but the thing that truly infuriated me was how the gems didn’t seem to care AT ALL that Greg had gotten taken. All that bonding we had the gems go through with Greg in the previous season was just thrown out the window- and they made it almost look like it was Steven’s fault! Yet again. I didn’t look too much into it. I love this show and have so much hope for the interesting story they are building up to; even though they keep adding more and more mysteries (a problem this show has had for a long time honestly) but this newest episode, Storm in the Room, just. i’ve had it. I loved the pacing in the beginning, showing how Connie and her mother were so close, something Steven could never get to feel or understand. It was really well done i truly enjoyed it. but then we got to the meat of the episode, the leaks people had seen with Rose. We had a few uncomfortable scenes with Rose and Steven doing things parents do, kind of unneeded to us, but something Steven needed to cope. Then Steven realizes, after having all this fun with basically his own made up imagination of Rose: she isn’t real. Something the audience knows sure but, he got so caught up and in love with the idea of having a mom he seemed to forget the reality he was living. He eventually lost it on her, and this is where i got very angry with the episode. At this point its just Steven yelling at himself, yelling at his own problems, something we already have seen and something Steven has already talked about and dealt with- it was unsatisfying. Seeing Rose made everyone excited but i feel it blinded most of the audience to what the real problems were. How Steven said Bismuth shattered gems, when she never actually did (we don’t really know but not with the breaking point) she only said she was going to shatter the diamonds and higher up gems, which was what just beat it in that the writers had to make her look unlikable and almost like a villain just to make Rose still seem good. Bismuth was a character that, if we kept her we could’ve fixed quite a few problems with this season most likely. All these answers Steven is trying to find could be found directly from her, a close friend of Rose and someone who was there during the war. Willing to give him answers because she knows he isn’t like Rose. Yet that isn’t at all what we got. Instead of getting a previous crystal gem, one who was actually important and interesting- we got toned down no longer story driven or character driven: Peridot and Lapis. Yes this rant is all over the place but i’m just. exploring a lot of ideas at once i needed to get out. Both Lapis and Peridot got a lot of potential. Lapis was actually a really good character at first. She didn’t name herself a crystal gem, as they had imprisoned her and she was still holding a grudge- AND THAT IS INTERESTING! We Needed a character like this! One who wasn’t willing to just forgive people on the spot! Like all these redeemed characters- it was refreshing!! Yet only a few episodes into season 4, she and Peridot are best buddies and are the comedic reliefs and own a farm and Lapis in the last episode even is fine with impersonating the other crystal gems. It just..seems so rushed and out of nowhere. Its as though all her character progression happened off screen and its infuriating to watch these two go down the drain. Peridot didn’t have as much to her sure, but she was still scared and kind of uncomfortable with the gems- and when Lapis came in it seemed like she had a purpose, to keep Lapis happy and safe. It was kind of sweet almost. You could tell she enjoyed making people happy and that was a good example of Steven’s peace being a good thing. Yet Lapis never got the progression Peridot did. Both of their stories were just thrown down the drain and became just two more characters on the back burner. Such as Jasper and Centipeedle and the diamonds and hell Bismuth! We have all these stories ready to be revisited but the crew keeps adding in more and more and its not even interesting anymore. Just. Eugh. Anyway back to Storm in the Room- After the mention of Bismuth and a few other things that are genuinely justified- His personification of Rose along the lines of ‘’Yes but remember that tape i made like 4000 episodes ago’’ and Steven just. ‘’yeah alright i forgive you’’ LIKE WHAT. NO. WHW AT. ITS JUST TERRIBLE WRITING. Steven goes back to the main room of the temple and everything is fine again, he doesn’t even mention the coping he went through to the gems, it just seemed like such an unneeded episode and almost clickbait to the fans. He goes in for answers, comes out with nothing, and is fine with it. They could’ve covered it so much better but decided to do such a lazy written episode with Rose and Steven meeting each other, something the fans wanted forever and for me? it didn’t live up to any expectations i could’ve wanted. We saw again but in a boring way how Steven feels about his mother. Again, something we’ve seen before and something we didn’t need to see again just to have another episode that was ‘story driven’ Don’t even start with me that Steven got character development. If we didn’t have that episode, nothing would’ve changed. He still feels the same about his mom, we learned nothing, and we still haven’t had any plot progression for 3 episodes already. I’m just. so upset about this. This is just my opinion, its a rant, but god this season has just been at the shows worst for me.

#suspoilers

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 62

Well, this last mile has been a full one. Which is another way of saying that yet again, I’ve neglected posting for too long (a month maybe?). It feel like the weather has gotten warmer and everything has amped up. Buckle in, bc this is going to be a big spew, a catharsis of lots of things I don’t feel like I can say to anyone else; though of course I have been yakking to everyone about some of this.

First, the ugly: Going another round with H’s mother. I’ve realized how much of my years with H were spent managing her extremely fragile emotions. It’s exhausting. This time she outright told me that I didn’t respect her--of course if she respected me then she wouldn’t jump to the worst conclusion about my motives for my actions regarding MY child. It just infuriates me so much--and she totally defies all reason and logic and manages to make me feel like an inconsiderate, irresponsible jerk for not being omniscient or ordaining the universe. Another realization: she has always and will always treat me like an incompetent child and I am fucking DONE with it! I need her to move away. Not that it will end this shit, but it will hopefully make it less frequent and less potent. I now understand why my [current] sisters in law keep her at arm’s length. 

Also, regarding H: he’s so guarded everytime he’s around me. He’s like a big black cloud of tension and I feel like he brings shadows whenever I have to see him even briefly. What a reversal. Can it only be three months since I moved out? Poor thing, I gather he’s going through a rough patch right now, and possibly at slight odds with his dear mama as well. I do wish he would answer my legitimate inquiries about schedule though. I wish we had a better flow of comm, but he acts like I have a disease that will be communicated through the keyboard. So far things are passing between me and my mom and him. Which I know is not the adult way but like...if you won’t talk to me like a calm adult? He and his mom seem to be casting me as the enemy--but even combatants have parleys under a flag of truce. We have to resolve this sometime, but I’m perfectly willing to avoid it until he heals a bit more and is less dangerous to my peace of mind.

Ugh, just writing that out made me tense. On to the good!

The good: I’ve lost 17 lbs since January when I started this diet with my mom. I feel great this week too, bc I’m able to be more active with this nice weather. I also feel more productive at work, so all things are good. This all may be due to the next big event in my life detailed below momentarily; but I will say this: as the earth comes out of ice and is reborn to spring, so I feel reborn. This past week I have danced, grinned, sung, reconnected with musical theatre, etc. (and before that wrote!) in a way I haven’t in months. Some of this is due to this event--but I realize that before I get there I need to fill in one other item...

I went to visit an old friend from college, whom we will call S. This friend has been crazy about me since probably our second week of freshman astronomy, and it’s one of those where I’ve tried to make it work before and it just...won’t. This friend has stuck by me through all of this shit, and knows all of my flaws more intimately than almost anyone. He’s a complete vessel--a listener who won’t judge and who cherishes me no matter what. Which I know I take advantage of. Other than my mother, he’s the most unconditional relationship I have. If only he had his shit together and wasn’t illogically conservative. (We do NOT talk politics.) Also a bit sexist and racist--not that he’d ever act on them. For the sake of this bond we have I choose to ignore/avoid all that, but this is one of the reasons we just can’t make a relationship. But that doesn’t mean my visit was strictly platonic. I flatter myself that I contributed to his well-being in significant ways, but I definitely selfishly reveled in the experience of being cherished, and of the fierce, wonderful trust we share. I could cry just thinking about it--I can be so honest with him, about my ups and downs. And best of all: we are equals. Peers, partners, equals!!! I have never had that with a man. No matter the relationship. I find it sublime and somewhat irresistible. Even though I know it’s so unfair to him; bc we both know it can’t last forever. Anyway, that whole things has been good for me. Probably also bad in other ways. But it has reawakened a part of myself I thought gone forever, and that part is stronger than I ever remember it being. Trust and complete comfort are heady heady things. 

So from that we proceed to...drum roll...

I actually went on a date Saturday night. This is what I’ve been driving all my friends crazy about, and I hate myself for being such a spaz. They’re all darlings, but really, I need to get over myself. Which is why I’m going to try to exercise as much as possible here. 

So yeah, one of my coworkers has a brother. A brother who it turns out--came to visit our workplace months ago and was checking me out. Who then asked *repeatedly* to be introduced to me. Who, after I met him last month friended me on fb and then messaged me out of the blue about 2 weeks ago. Now, this man is brilliant (he’s a scientist--sexy and ridiculously intimidating at the same time), sophisticated, independent adult with a well-paying full time job and actual talent; he’s so freaking charming and good-hearted, he’s witty and considerate and he swing dances (swoon--if I dance with him my ovaries may never recover); not to mention my coworker is thrilled at the prospect. He’s also 5 years older than I am--I wasn’t exactly looking for age gap, but... Anyway, I’m still getting my brain to process the fact that he actually wants to spend time with me. Because his whole family is immortal--brilliantly talented, beautiful etc. And then there's me mere mortal with my messy-ass family. And all my baggage. And the fact that I’m trying desperately to crawl out of diapers and grow into a legit adult. I’m gonna throw some thoughts out below in no order or reason:

So the age gap: I was hoping to avoid it. After the good experiences of equality with S, who is only months older than I, I am wary of falling into the naive child role again. I am determined to be am equal adult, and yet already I feel myself pulled to alter my behavior--I can be so silly with S, and I feel like Charming here would think me immature--when around this guy. Also, he’s into scifi and have only moderate xp there, also he hikes and camps--the idea of hiking with him actually sounds utterly lovely (talk about day-dreaming), camping... But I mean I’m willing to try--I’m just so wary of losing myself again. Of putting his needs above mine and doing whatever I can to keep him from rejecting/punishing me. It’s so frustrating yet again how easily my bad habits kick in like clockwork. 

Speaking of my neurosis: I am WAY too invested in this. Super fixated. Some might say I’m obsessing. Which I suppose has always been my way with boys. But you’d hope I’d behave differently at 31 than I did when I was 12, 14, 15. So first I was mooning and daydreaming about him while grinning like a complete dope and humming songs (like, full out cliche) Sunday and Monday, and then I was stupid and was overtly flirty (like dude back off AB, you had *one* date) on Monday evening and he just--wham--dropped communications. I’ve heard nothing from him since, and I’m using all powers of mind control I possess and prayer (sorry God) to will him to just message me for like 5 minutes so I know he still likes me, that I didn’t freak him out by behaving like a silly girl. I so want to do this like an adult, but apparently I am incapable. If this doesn’t happen, like fi we don’t work out, then fine. But I’ll be crushed if it’s bc of my inherent flaw of childishness. And what if it is inherent? What if I cannot actually function in an adult relationship?

That’s another thing--I am so putting the cart before the horse. Like we met, we chatted twice, and then we spend 5 hours eating Thai food and walking all over his neighborhood. He should not be and *is* not the center of my universe. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be behaving this stupidly if he hadn’t kissed me. I’d like to think I could be cool and removed and totally ok with the fact that he seems to be compartmentalizing the amount of time he spends with me (his job is hell, apparently; another red flag, but he’s so charming....) if he hadn’t kissed me. So I wasn’t sure how to gauge it--were we just two adults enjoying each other’s company? I know he thinks I am cute--but physical attraction doesn’t mean he actually likes me. I mean, I think he was flirting with me--the body language was promising, I’m fairly certain he was nervous at the beginning (but it’s a date who wouldn’t be?), and he like, touched me arm and such you know the way you do when you’re just broaching physical contact. And then when I left I went to hug him and...it was not a platonic hug. It was brief but...there was...heat...a tiny little simmer. And then, there was a second hug, and he briefly, subtly, turned into my neck and placed a quick little kiss there. It was chaste as hell, a bit uncertain I think, but it changed everything. I mean I dunno maybe it was just quarter to midnight and goodwill talking. Maybe he’s just affectionate and that was his way of saying “Thanks for a good time.” Maybe it all goes back to the sex and it’s purely physical? I just--I have such a hard time thinking he actually sees anything in me bc I’m so--uninteresting--I’m not ambitious or successful, I’m insecure as fuck, I have plenty o’ baggage, I’m not cosmopolitan or well-read or witty. All I have is the loyalty and affection of a--child. I gather it’s been some time since he’s been taken care of, and of course that appeals to me, taking care of him, but maybe he likes being self-sufficient? He certainly is. And again!!!! It’s too soon for me to be thinking this way. But I just do this. What is my problem??? I keep thinking once he gets to know me he’s going to bail. And at this point that would hurt more bc it would mean my weaknesses had caused me to fail again than bc I’m madly in love with him, but still. The more I invest the worse it will be when this whole thing crashes. But I can’t not give it a try--even if I see eminent disaster on the other side. I keep hoping my instincts will be proven false.

On a lighter note: I am ridiculously physically attracted to him. Like--keep daydreaming about kissing him...and other things...

I just--why am I so fixated on this? Why is he the only thing I can think about? I have a life! I can’t just be marking time until I see him again. GET A GRIP, AB! I keep singing “He is not thinking of me” to myself. Bc I guarantee he is going about his business as usual--like a fucking adult--and taking Saturday night for what it was: a pleasant evening. 

Nonsequitur: If he doesn’t message me in the next few days I may implode.

Also, I just wish for some clarity. It’s like dating Jane Bennett. No clue if he’s just being nice or....?

Why is my professional performance so tied to whether or no a man is interested in me? What the hell is that about?!!!

I will say this--it’s nice to feel romance again. I feel like me again. The bitter gone-by feeling I had at my cousin’s wedding is banished, replaced by all the hope and cheer of spring and things beginning. Also, showtunes again! Singing again! I could go into “Bewitched, bothered and bewildered” but that song is too cynical. Instead, I’ll end with the line that was running through my head all day Monday:

“I don’t know why I can’t think of anything I would rather do than be wasting my time on mountains with you.��

And now, off to church!

#more rmabling soon probably