#i've been in two relationships so far and one of them was extremely unhealthy

[just-aris-thoughts]

what do i do if i love my gf SO MUCH but also shes numb and depressed and cant show it back even though i know she loves me too but she acts like a stranger in person too and it’s driving me insane and all our other friends are asking why shes so depressed and she wont tell anyone and im helping her with her depression while continuing to mask and hide my own emotions because i know she’ll just worry about me and not let me worry about her but shes been worrying about other people her whole life and im the only one to ever care for her HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION

Have you tried talking to her about it? Okay, I know how it sounds, but communication really is important in a relationship. Maybe you should talk about this with a therapist, too?

#class of 09 #ari class of 09 #i'm really bad at giving advice sorry :( #i've been in two relationships so far and one of them was extremely unhealthy #why do people think i'm the best person to ask for advice with stuff like that

[howdoesagrapewrites]

what wld lovesick pav and gaya be like w a s/o who tries to be like, healthy in their relationship? like they're not the "i wanna get away bc this is unhealthy" type, but the "i will actively tie you both down and make you communicate your feelings and wants in a healthy way until we can all reach a mutual agreement" way

like the two reach the stage where they don't want their love to leave the house at all- but they kinda quickly shut that down and are like "nuh uh. i have a life, so either we talk it out and find something that works for me and you two or i stay out five minutes past the curfew you set just to make you squirm"

𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙠 𝙞𝙩 𝙤𝙪𝙩

Cw: poly!reader x lovesick! Pavitr Prabhakar x lovesick!Gayatri Singh, explicit talk about mental health

Notes: all I can think about is the reader spraying then with a water bottle like a poorly behaved cat

>You went out of the apartment to get the grocery shopping done, your partners had been behaving oddly, they were always very affectionate and loved being around you, but lately you feel like they have been neglecting their personal life in order to be together

>You left the house when they were taking a nap, you didn't feel like you were sneaking out, just that you were doing chores while they slept

>You think about this as you examine the red apples deciding if you should buy them or not

>Your phone vibrates and you answer to a preoccupied Pavitr, you apologize for not telling them, but you didn't want to disturb them, when you're about to hang up, he hits you with "just wait, we're on our way"

>You're a little confused and annoyed by having to wait for them at the market without being able to continue the list of home necessities, but you tried to be understanding, and thought that maybe when you got home, you could start a conversation about what you've been thinking the whole afternoon

>When they arrived, the outing went smoothly, and happily, like you're used to

>After you finished organizing everything on the shelves and pantry, you started the conversation in a pretty straight forward manner, you didn't want to dance around the subject and talk about issues like they're anything aside a from a completely normal part of every relationship

>You said you wanted to talk, and they were visibly nervous, however, complied

>"So I've been noticing that you don't want to leave the house, and that you get really upset when I do leave, and it concerns me, I won't force you, but I'm your partner too, I'm here for both of you."

>I think these two would be one of the easiest characters to pull into therapy and get them to work through their issues, something that's surprising considering they would never accept this if you were dating individually

>The challenge here is definitely Pavitr, because like I've said a million times already, he's extremely delusional

>So it'll be hard to even make him realize there's an issue with his obsession, also you'll need to reassure him that you're not rejecting his feelings, but rather just want to work through a more positive and healthy way of expressing and processing those feelings

>"But I love you, why don't you love me too?"

>"Of course I do, Pav, but love isn't supposed to hurt"

>Gayatri has a more clear vision of where these issues stem from and will be more cooperative with communication with time

>At first she's closed to the idea, but when she sees how much you care and that you genuinely want to help her, she lets her guard down

>If you respond positively and don't show signs of fear or disgust when she tells you about her feelings, you get to hear, the most gruesome parts, but far from scared, you're proud she feels safe to verbalize and recognize toxic behavior

>I think Pavitr would use mindfulness as a coping strategy for the yandere tendencies, and Gayatri would turn to writing

>Some of Gayatri's pieces are morbid, sure, but it's better than having her do it, you praise the effort

>Sometimes they still relapse and snap at you or get too possessive, but you're having none of it

>You set clear boundaries and as hard as that is, they understand that they'll lose your trust and love if they are unwilling to be better

>I think there's a solid 8/10 chance of fixing them

#atsv x reader #atsv pavitr #pavitr prabhakar #pavitr x reader #gayatri singh #pavitr prabhakar x reader #pavitr x gayatri #gayatri x reader #spiderverse pavitr #yandere pavitr #yandere pavitr prabhakar #pavitr prabhakar x you #pavitr Prabhakar x Gayatri Singh #gayatri singh x reader #pavitr headcanons

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for breaking up with someone over fishkeeping and cat food? I know how the title sounds but hear me out. This happened a couple years ago and I'm still friends with the people this happened with but it still weighs on me. So I have always been kind of militant about husbandry when it comes to the animals I keep(autistic, it' a special interest) and I don't really like to deal with people who don't take caring for living creatures they willingly bring into their home seriously. I sold a fish tank to my, then, partner J who wanted to get into fish keeping. J and D, our other partner, lived together. After taking the tank home and cleaning it up we were throwing around ideas for what to put in it. It wasn't too big but also not small, but he kept throwing out species that would far outgrow the tank or species that would fight and kill each other. Every time I shot these species down J took it well, realizing the space was either too small or they would die and didn't want the fish in improper conditions but D kept telling me not to "squash his creativity" and he could "do whatever as long as it made him happy". At this I obviously hopped on my soapbox about how it's our duty as animal owners to give the animals we keep proper conditions and D went absolutely off on me and mentioned how I care "too much" about how other people keep their animals and had always made her feel bad about how she feeds her cats and now I was doing this. For context my cat eats a raw diet. I did a lot of research and talked to my vet and he's doing wonderfully while one of her cats is extremely overweight to the point he waddles instead of walking and the other two are getting there as well, both of which I've brought up concerns about but I have NEVER shamed the way she fed her animals. She had been interested in the interest I had taken and had ASKED for better quality food recommendations, so I gave them, but NEVER told her she had to feed them a certain way. A majority of our conversations were just me info-dumping and her being happy to listen and ask questions occasionally. Anyway J kind of backed out of the conversation at this and D and I went back and forth a bit before D finally said "I don't think this relationship is going to work out if you won't let this go"(This being I have pointed out one of her cats is grossly overweight a couple times and it's extremely unhealthy, especially since he's aging now) so I said "Yeah I think so too. This is something I clearly care a lot about and I'm not going to be with someone who puts their own or their partner's feelings over the well-being of the animals they are responsible for"(referencing when she said a few times when talking about the fish that it was okay if the fish killed each other or died from improper conditions as long as J was happy with how the tank looked and "it's not like we're putting kittens in with sharks, they're Just Fish") and we broke up there and then. Since then we've still stayed close friends after a short break from each other(I'm actually her Man of Honor in her upcoming wedding to J!) and she's actually made moves to better the quality of the food she buys her cats and is working on getting her obese cat's weight down and J's fish tank hobby is going very well(with proper keeping standards!!). But the situation at the time still weighs on me and even though we're genuinely too busy with work and life to make a relationship work anymore anyway and that was also a factor of the breakup.... AITA for beginning a breakup over animal husbandry?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[ben-talks-art]

Trapped and Dreaming Freedom

So I've been reading these two webtoons lately about female leads stuck in very toxic and unhealthy relationships (while being aware of it), and I'm loving every second of it!

If you know me, you know I just love a badass cool female lead and I also love seeing characters stuck in very difficult situations and watching how they use their brains and/or skills to get out of it, and both comics excel at these aspects!

First series is "Trapped", a comic about this taxi driver who got tangled by accident with a vampire who develops an obsession with both her and her blood after she manages to outsmart him a couple of times, something that hasn't happened to him in years.

It feels very "Tom and Jerry" with both characters trying to get the upper hand on their relationship, and you would think it would be super one-sided but vampires actually have quite a bit of annoying rules on how they work that severely limit their freedom and our female lead exploits as many of them as she can to make him eat sh*t! It's just glorious!

"Dreaming Freedom" is... somehow less dark, and at the same time way darker of a series.

It's not as violent or gory but it deals with more realistic problems that hit closer to home for some like school bullying, abandonment, harassment, family abuse, and so on.

The premise is that our female lead teams up with a guy that has the power to use dreams to affect people in the real world, and they use this ability to get revenge on all the girl's classmates that harassed her, but the more our female lead does that, more the male lead gets obsessed with her and we later find out that he has some serious anger issues making him extremely dangerous.

Our lead basically goes from "I can use him to get payback!" to "Oh my God, I'm the only thing that's keeping this dude under control and away from people!"

It feels like you're being handed a living knife that you just pray won't run out of control or turn itself against you. It's so uncomfortable but at the same time so thrilling!

While I really don't like when unhealthy relationships are glamorized and used to send some kind of "Oh, he's kinda dangerous... But at least he loves you, so it's okay, right?" message, I do like it when the unhealthiness of the relationship is the focus AND is painted as a problem that needs to be fixed.

I like how both female leads always call the male leads on their bs and keep them in check whenever they start going too far, and it's fun to see how they use them whenever they're backed into a corner by the antagonists of the stories.

Also like the themes these series explore, about how when you keep dealing with people that act like monsters you see yourself slowly turning into a monster yourself and start to attract other monsters as well, eventually making you question how far can you go? How far should you go? Can you get back from it? And so on.

But most of all, I like that both series make sure to show that these "bad boys" were their last freaking options. Not the first, not the second, but the very bottom of the barrel. They went to them only after they felt they had no other choices and were sure that nobody else would take their side.

This isn't just "Oh, I went to him because he's a hot bad boy", this is "The world turned its back on me so I'm gonna use the only cards that I have left."

They basically made a deal with their devils and now the fun is watching to see how/if they're gonna get out of it.

This is how I like to see problematic relationships. You don't paint them as something normal or something good, you paint them as a hardship that needs to be dealt with and use it to do clever commentary on the worst aspects of humanity so we can learn how to be better and as a source for good and intense drama to make us worried for the main characters and invested in seeing them get out okay.

#dreaming freedom #free in dreams #trapped #olgami #webtoon #Kkum-eseo Jayu-ro

[jinxed-ninjago]

Okay, I want to make a post about Llourumi because I feel like people are too harsh on it, especially after Crystalized.

Harumi's not evil, I've made a post about this previously. She's misguided at the absolute worst. She thinks she's doing the right thing and once she learns she's been basically going after the wrong thing since the Devourer incident, she completely changes. She helps Garm and Lloyd defeat the Overlord, and, fair reminder, she basically SOLD HER SOUL TO THE OVERLORD FOR CONTINUED LIFE. She had pledged her allegiance to the Overlord in the most extreme way possible but betrayed him anyway, and you know what happens in those kinds of plotlines: person who sold their soul to higher power ends up DEAD. Not just this, but Harumi is shown in A Sinister Shadow to be just as easy to manipulate as Lloyd because of her ideals and the fact that she's so misguided, something the Overlord took advantage of.

NONE of this changes the fact that she did manipulate and abuse Lloyd, even going as far as to -- in my view -- sexually harass/assault Lloyd in Sons of Garmadon and Return to Primeval's Eye (saying this because she makes advances on him, both verbal and physical, despite him not being into it in that moment). She still abused and manipulated Lloyd, and Lloyd's still traumatized from it if his feelings about Vania at the beginning of Master of the Mountain are anything to go off of.

However, it's ALSO worth noting that Lloyd still feels attraction towards her. He still likes her romantically, to the point he risked quite a bit trying to find her in the debris of the building collapse.

Harumi's feelings for Lloyd are also implied to have been genuine, even if she was using it for her own gain. She cares about him enough that she tries to sway Lloyd to the Overlord's side instead of killing him like she was supposed to.

So what's my point here?

There's still mutual feelings between them both. Lloyd obviously has trauma to work through if Lloyd and Harumi are ever going to have a healthy relationship (probably Harumi too), but I don't think it's fair to immediately say their relationship is and always will be unhealthy. It's not fair to say their relationship should never happen because Harumi abused and manipulated Lloyd while she was under the impression that it was his fault her biological parents are gone. Their relationship is more complex than that, there are more nuances to it than that.

There's a lot of potential for a long-term story between these two specifically, a story I'd love to see get told. The desperation in Lloyd's actions when he tries to find Harumi after the building collapse that initially killed her almost makes me cry. These two have a story to be told. Their relationship -- in my opinion at least -- could absolutely be healthy at some point, and I'd love to see that story be told, whether through fanfiction or official media. There are nuances that aren't brought up. It's not a simple "abuser-abused" relationship for these two, like people make it out to be. Harumi was misguided and while it doesn't excuse her actions, it does explain them.

There are nuances in Lloyd and Harumi's relationship that aren't talked about enough, and I don't think it's fair to ignore said nuances in favor of accusing Harumi of being a terrible person for what she did to Lloyd.

I also don't think Harumi's personality as The Quiet One and as the Crystal King messenger is her true and honest personality. When she realizes she's misguided, her personality does a complete 180 and she's shown to be a nervous and shy person. I genuinely think that's her genuine and honest personality, not cruel and sadistic. She let her trauma and grief take over her, and it's never talked about.

There needs to be more discussion on the nuances with Llorumi and by extension Harumi, because both are very three dimensional, something I don't see talked about pretty much ever. For a fandom that realizes Ninjago grew up with its audience, it's really fucking sad to me.

#ninjago #lego ninjago #ninjago lloyd #ninjago harumi #llorumi #lloyd garmadon #lloyd montgomery garmadon #analysis #ninjago analysis

[signalhill-if]

I have to say, I kinda love the dynamic that's brewing between my MC and Doc. Like at the beginning my MC had that whole flirty demeanor and basically hit him with the "Look I'm hot and that's the main thing I've got going on" + some dumbass energy (THE DRUGGIST DIALOGUE LMFAO) and Doc was unimpressed 💀 But funnily enough now that I've acquired the Medic Identity with my guy I can't wait until Doc discovers that the gremlin is closer to having sworn the hippocratic oath than him 💀💀💀 talk about books and judging covers and such.

I wonder tho (unrelated), what's the romantic experience of the RO's so far? Without getting specific or in spoiler-y territory of course!

I genuinely do not know how I neglected to answer this omfg sorry anon </3 (this ask is from like a week ago) I ALSO LOVE YOUR PC'S DYNAMIC WITH DOC. That sounds hilarious lmao

As for your unrelated question... what's the romantic experience of the main characters so far?

KC: Less than she would let on, lmao. She will, like, tell stories that sound like they're from two different relationships but they're actually from the same person, or imply she was dating somebody but actually just slept with them once, that kind of thing. Very unreliable narrator, keep that in mind

Yasmin: Also pretty limited. She's had flings with some people, but she's got high standards and most people don't meet them, so she's rarely had a long-lasting relationship.

Doc: He's only had one romantic partner, it started as an accident, and it didn't end well. That was years ago. He's been content to focus on his work since then.

Levi: He's never had a romantic relationship. His relationship with Aldrich might be best described as queerplatonic in a modern setting.

Yvette: He has had every experience under the sun. Love, loss, extremely unhealthy relationships (lotsa those), weirdly normal relationships (one or two of those), purely sexual relationships, romantic relationships, you name it and he's probably had it.

Malik: ...they've had a couple pen pals they were close to, does that count?

Wolfe: He had a couple girlfriends as a teenager. Can't maintain a stable relationship for obvious reasons.

Aldrich: No

#ask #anonymous #again i'm sorry ahhhhhhhh #all mcs

[vergilsama922]

(人◕ω◕) I'll give you two options for this "question" - although you're certainly free to answer both.

Option A) What was Angie-chan's first impressions of her senpai, Iroha? (人◕ω◕)

Option B) What is Rei unbiased analysis of Rei (Mekaru) of each teacher currently at Hope's Peak? (人◕ω◕)

Hmmmmmm yes. Interesting questions. ;;;;;;;;;;;;(人◕ω◕) A.) Angie was.....well she was definitely curious. Iroha is pretty well known and very popular amongst current-generation painters. Angie wanted to get a chance to actually meet the person behind the painting (and not to scout out the competition in talent and if she had a relationship with makoto). Much to her surprise, Iroha was a ball of positive fluff. Of course, the only thing holding her back is her desire to NOT donate blood to Atua but besides that, Angie loves Iroha. Although some have wondered if Iroha is the Kouhai given Angie can be a TINY bit overbearing extremely rarely ;;;(人◕ω◕) Hmm. Yes. Well it doesn't matter since the two are best friends (even though Iroha keeps weaseling out of donations) and Iroha has helped Angie's painting skills increase more while Angie has given Iroha better general art tips and sources of inspiration which has helped her painting. Yes. These two are best friends. (人◕ω◕)(人◕ω◕)(人◕ω◕)

They're so close they even have matching eye colors. (人◕ω◕)

B. ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;(人◕ω◕) Why ask such a divisive squesti-

Rei: No. (╬≖_≖)(╬≖_≖)(╬≖_≖) SOMEONE needs to speak up about the ineptitude of our staff. Well, MOST are, there are a few members who live up to their status as a teacher.

;;;;;;;;;(人◕ω◕) But-

Rei: Let us begin.Let's start with Sakakura-Sensei of Class 77-A. He is rude, obnoxious, too overbearing, and is clearly not suited to the lifestyle of a teacher. Yes, he knows how to wrangle in the troublemakers but his temperament means he matches Anger with more Anger. Hmph. Fortunately, his class is decent as far as classes go in this insane asylum.

Rei: *Checks notes* Yes. *HER*. Yukisome-"Sensei". I use the term "sensei" because not only is her class a problematic bunch, this poor excuse of a teacher spends more time around Makoto than she should be wrangling her students. (╬≖_≖) Yukisome clearly seems to have an unhealthy obsession with a STUDENT and needs to be put on probation or let go. As a teacher she does a DECENT job however she is far too lenient and isn't taken seriously by those who know they can exploit that. Still......despite her unprofessional behaviors, she does care about her students and puts in the work necessary to learn the material to teach to her kids.

Rei: Garbage. Let us move on. (╬≖_≖)

Eh??? B-But....you haven't- ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;(人◕ω◕) Rei: I SAID let us move on! (╬ಠ益ಠ)(╬ಠ益ಠ)(╬ಠ益ಠ) *Takes a deep breath and calms down* It's fine. Makoto deserves a far better tutor and professor. Despite Kizakura's incredible buffoonery and drunken stupor, it has provided an opportunity for me to take over Naegi's teaching. Outside of him, however Class 78-A is one of the most troublesome bunch. Only rivaling 79-A and 80-A/B. The fact that this imbecile hasn't been fired says everything about the "integrity" of this school (╬≖_≖)

Rei: Dogami-Sensei. Hmph. Finally, we have our first REAL teacher who takes her job seriously and does a decent job at it as well. Dogami-sensei may lack nuance on certain subjects and as such philosophical subjects tend to be her weak spot but she makes up for it with her ability to control her class and have enough compassion to regularly check up on her students and ensure they are properly prepared for graduation. Dogami-sensei may be strict but that's not a bad trait especially when her class is the most terrible bunch I've ever seen. Psycho's all of them! Dogami-sensei easily passes as the standard as to what all teachers here SHOULD be like at a minimum! No showing interest in male students! No trying to be best friends or big sisters for students! Yes. Dogami-sensei is a true teacher.

Rei: Ah. Yes. (╬≖_≖)(╬≖_≖)(╬≖_≖)(╬≖_≖) Hagakure-"Sensei". I know not which is more inept. Yukizome or Hagakure? Hagakure or Sakakura? At this point, it doesn't really matter. *Sighs* I'm being a bit too uncharitable. Hagakure-sensei has.....the same obsession problem that Yukizome has with Makoto. I must iterate that fraternizing with students is illegal and these two need to be reminded of this lest they find themselves in a jail cell! Hagakure does tend to get the job done. It's no secret her class loves her (although yes you could say the same about Yukizome-sensei) and she does a good job at teaching subjects. However, calling everyone nicknames and trying to appear as a "Big Sister" instead of a true authoritative figure worthy of respect takes points off her! Not to mention not doing much to handle that scum Ouma. (╬≖_≖)

Rei: Hmph! Our teacher is next I see. Yes. Okoshi-Sensei. She is....adequate. Not too incompetent like Kizakura and not exactly ideal like Dogami-Sensei. It is worrying she has shown interest in Makoto but it doesn't seem to be as problematic as with Hagakure-Sensei and Yukizome-Sensei. But as far as a teacher goes she has moments of insecurity and is worried that I'm doing most of her job, however, when she's not in that mindset she does a......ugh.....FINE job. She does put in the work learning material like Hagakure-Sensei and Yukizome-Sensei but she also makes sure to be observant not just for the troublemakers like Taira and Iranami (Satsuki) but to also have an open door policy and help those who struggle. Although she still understandably relies on me to help her. Who wouldn't? <(￣︶￣)>

Rei: Fubuki-Sensei.....Hmmmm. Fubuki is a good teacher despite her looks. No nonsense. Takes her job seriously, and does everything by the books. Given that she has the unfortunate task of handling class 80-A, I'm surprised how receptive those knuckleheads are not only to her teachings but their willingness to open up to her. As a former lucky student, I can't help but wonder if this is a byproduct of her talent, but still like Dogami-Sensei it helps to have a teacher who isn't obsessive over Makoto and knows general education surprisingly well. Yet, admittedly there's something off about Fubuki-Sensei. She seems to be more than meets the eye and even though she has an off-putting appearance she has compassion. In short, her true goals are a mystery to me if she has any, to begin with. Regardless, she passes but given that the bar is as low as the ankles I suppose it's not much of a feat.

Rei: Musashi-Sensei. Ughhhh. (╬≖_≖)(╬≖_≖)(╬≖_≖) Let me start with the positives and this will be brief. Musashi-Sensei is......determined. This does mean that she excels with her material because she has shown an incredible level of research and dedication to teaching. Not surprising given how she's a movie director, part of the job I suppose. Let's start with the negatives. (╬ಠ益ಠ) Class 80-B is a problematic bunch and Musashi-Sensei is....also very determined and headstrong in the wrong ways! Not only does she have a fascination with Makoto like Hagakure and Yukizome-Sensei but given her nature as a director, she seems to value only her opinion! Teachers must be sensitive to the needs of the students!!! Do not misunderstand me. She does have great leadership qualities and knows how to take charge, especially during tense moments but she needs to stop being so goal driven at the expense of all else. (╬ಠ益ಠ)(╬ಠ益ಠ)(╬ಠ益ಠ) This includes trying to undermine my position as Makoto's tutor!

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;(人◕ω◕) Whew. I guess that's ove- Rei: Don't be a silly fool. There are still quite a few "teachers" left.

Rei: (╬≖_≖) Ah yes. The four stooges. Well, I'll get this out of the way. I do not trust any of them around Makoto especially Shibuya (Ariana) and Akiyama-sensei (Izumi). Nakano (Mitsuru) and Suzuki-Sensei (Yukiko) seem to be decent. As far as teachers go, I will admit when it comes to their specific subjects they are great. General education seems to be a bit weak for them and they each struggle with finding their own style when it comes to teaching. Despite their own shortcomings they do tend to be there for students at the most unexpected times. I'll put them above Hagakure, Yukizome, and Musashi-Sensei but below Okoshi-Sensei.

Are we-?

Rei: No. (╬≖_≖) There's still the reserve course.

Rei: Yoruzu-Sensei. Or rather "Sensei". (╬≖_≖)(╬≖_≖)(╬≖_≖) Another teacher who needs to be on probation. As far as a teacher goes, she surprisingly goes above and beyond which is necessary for the reserve course given how as I was told they were formerly segregated from the main course. Despite her "hands-on" nature which I've filed a complaint to the headmaster about regarding Makoto, I must admit she did a good job trying to foster a positive nature under the circumstances she and her class were under. Many teachers from what I've been told were pretty disinterested and crummy. Her specialties definitely revolve more so around General Ed than anything specific but that's more of a positive than a negative. Just keep her on probation and she is fine. (╬≖_≖)

Rei: Uozumi-Sensei is interesting. She's....different. I can't quite place my finger on it but I have a feeling she's not just a teacher. Her knowledge of Finances and electives is surprisingly great even if she's the complete opposite of Yozuru-Sensei in terms of general education. Despite her coldness, she is overly protective of her students and fosters confidence in her students. Yes. Uozumi-Sensei is a good teacher and not problematic as some of the others although she is definitely hiding something. I've noticed her interactions with Kirigiri. Hmmmmm

Rei: (╬ಠ益ಠ)(╬ಠ益ಠ)(╬ಠ益ಠ)(╬ಠ益ಠ)(╬ಠ益ಠ) I've saved the worst for last. Shimizu-san..... She isn't a teacher but yet despite her cheery and bright facade, make no mistake this vile woman is the complete opposite. I've seen how she looks at Makoto and while that's not necessarily unique, her interest in Parasites and true personality reminds me a lot of Tsumiki. Terrible person. We're done!

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;(人◕ω◕) Are we done? Rei: Obviously. (╬≖_≖)

Okay. Ummm....Well yeah. (人◕ω◕)(人◕ω◕)(人◕ω◕) Rei can be harsh but makes good points as well!

#danganronpa #danganronpa au #hope universe #fanganronpa #juzo sakakura #chisa yukizome #koichi kizakura #ikue dogami #hiroko hagakure #aiko fubuki #kisumi musashi #angie yonaga #iroha nijiue #dr v3 #sdra2 #super danganronpa another 2 #danganronpa v3 killing harmony #rei mekaru #rei shimizu #elite task force

[shattered-sparks]

It's the last day of school so I have a lot of time to think so I'm curious how you're daycare attendant versions would react to the silly crazy twins and their nonsense. I feel like they'd get along well with Catch and Release. They are both very playful and it's been like months since anyone has entered the daycare so the moment they find someone they will drag them into a tea party. They tend to act somewhat unhinged, due in part from the isolation and boredom, but Infected Moon is still the more serious of the two. They only really get aggressive when the person tries to leave them because they have abandonment issues

(Runs over to quickly read up on this AU) (I fucking hate Vanny so much. I feel Moon on a personal level for being treated like a dog. Scratch that I feel Moon personally on several different things) I hope your last day is good! I find it funny how they both landed on the same day where I go to the doctors to maybe get my foot out of this boot I've been in for a month. As for how everyone would react. Lord Saturn and Beam The two both would be extremely warry of the brothers. As soon as they set foot inside the AU they know something is wrong. It's just that gut instinct of "You shouldn't be here" If the two infected bois spot the Lord and Storm they're going to be disappointed that the two don't want to play with them. Beam upon seeing them growling. It takes Saturn more time for it to click that this is why everything feels off. Supernova Annoyed at Sun and Moon constantly trying to grab him but he'll see them as potential Chaos. After all, no one could get onto him about if these two are in mental turmoil if he's understood what "Good" and "Bad" is from everyone. Infected Sun and Moon quickly becoming toys for Supernova to play around with. I mean, it's not a universe he's been told to stay away from so. North Oh the unhealthy relationships these 3 would create. I can see infected Sun and Moon using North's loneliness against him to keep him there. North already being unstable doesn't help either. Best to keep these 3 separated. For all their mental healths. Catch and Release These two constantly seek out danger so happening upon the crazy twins's universe isn't far fetched. Of course they're curious bastards too so they'll ask what's up with Sun and Moon. And boy will these 4 create such chaos. Though if Vanny shows up when Catch and Release are here she's going to get a barrel to the face and a warning to leave. Sun and Moon are probably not going to taken kindly to that. They had such a blossoming friendship growing intel Catch and Release tried to leave or threatened Vanny. *Sighs* Sunset isn't allowed to roam other universe without BS!Moon. And BS!Moon is not letting Sunset anywhere near this universe.

#howls from the abyss #crossover rambles #lord saturn #supernova #Beam #North #Catch #Release

[95jezzica]

You said that you like sufin/finsu only in sertain ways, could you tell what those are

(Asking because I feel that too)

Love your content ❤

Well... I should probably preface this by saying it's not as prevalent in the fandom nowadays as it used to be a few years ago (wait, does 2012-2016 still count as a few years ago? anyway), but I still notice traces of it in new fanworks as well. Also, please note English isn't my native language, so I apologize in advance if my explanation is a bit clumsy.

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Anyway, my biggest issues were/are with how the fandom portrayed (and still sometimes portray) Finland as the "damsel in distress", wife and/or mum. He's not. Finland is a man, and should be treated as such. If anything he'd be a husband/partner, dad/papa or simply "isä" (which is Finnish for dad).

Just as anyone else Finland has his strengths and faults, but it got/gets really annoying when everyone treated Finland as that old and bad stereotypical "the woman of the relationship" who basically spent all his time going: "Oh, Sweden, I've been terrified of you my entire life, but now when you suddenly kissed me I realized it was love all along!" in fanworks.

. . . Yeah, no. That's not SuFin. At best that's an unhealthy relationship and should be tagged as such.

For anyone reading this; It doesn't matter if the other person has good intentions or not; never enter or stay in a relationship if you're afraid of the other person(s). It's not healthy or fair to any of you.

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Then we also had/have fandom portrayal of Sweden. Sweden was an old bad stereotype of "the man of the relationship" and/or just generally a complete monster and forced various things with Finland. Or he was put in the role of "the poor bullied sad teddybear who could nothing wrong and gets beaten up by evil Denmark", on top of almost always being written as basically being owed Finland's love.

Never any middle ground on any of them, even in the few works who reversed the roles. They just went changed the character they slapped a role on and just went to the extreme the other way instead.

And don't get me started on if you liked Sweden and/or Finland romantically with someone else. SuFin-shippers could treat you as if you had just killed their whole family in cold blood.

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So, when I say I only like SuFin in "certain ways"... I suppose I basically just mean fanworks which treat them as people, with both their strengths and faults and no one forcing the other to do something. For them to actually be treated as two men who actually LOVE each other; without one being an old and bad stereotypical "the woman" or "the man" of the relationship, and/or one being afraid of the other.

Now in Hetalia canon Finland is a cheerful, sweet, but a little weird man who sometimes becomes a bit intimidated when he doesn't understand what Sweden thinks/mean, but he's also someone who keeps pointing out that Sweden is KIND and not actually angry. Finland actively helps and defends Sweden when other people and nations become afraid of him. Additionally Finland has canon good aim and also great physical and mental strength. He's someone who has plenty of canon friends outside the Nordics as well - such as Estonia and Germany just to mention 2 of them.

In Hetalia canon Sweden is a bit of an awkward, shy man who has an intimidating face and difficulty expressing his emotions. However, he's also a former Empire who wasn't afraid of walking across the sea ice in the middle of a blizzard in order to headbutt Denmark in the face because Den annoyed him too much. Sweden is both protective and playful with his family, which can especially be seen in his interactions with Iceland, Sealand and Ladonia - but so far we haven't really seen Sweden have any friends outside of the NB8. All of Sweden's friends outside of NB8 are fanon and/or headcanons by people.

(For those who don't know, NB8 is the alliance between Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Iceland, Estonia, Lithuania and Latvia.)

It's also worth mentioning that while fandom blew up "M' W'fe"; to my knowledge hws!Sweden only said it ONCE (maybe twice, if I'm forgetting an instance) in canon when he introduced himself to Estonia - and upon noticing Finland's reaction of being called his wife, Sweden stopped. He never called Finland his wife again.

It doesn't matter why the Hetalia fandom thinks Sweden called Finland his wife, or their headcanoned reason why Finland protested against it. The important thing to note from canon is that Sweden noticed and respected that Finland doesn't want to be called his wife and then stopped doing so. It doesn't matter what Finland's reason was; Sweden respects it.

Finland may or may not return Sweden's feelings in canon, but even for people who do NOT ship SuFin I think it's also important to acknowledge that Sweden and Finland are close friends who have known each other for hundreds of years, and Sweden respects Finland. Even if you like another pairing such as DenFin/NorFin/EstFin I think it's important to keep in mind that Sweden wouldn't just turn into an absolute asshole just because Finland loves someone else. Same in the reverse.

From a SuFin perspective neither Sweden nor Finland are perfect, and I'm sure they would make some mistakes while trying to figure stuff out in their relationship, but as long as they respect each other and get treated as people I think it's good.

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Hope this makes sense. The ask has been sitting in my inbox for a while and this (once again) became a bit of a long post, but I really wanted to try and explain what I mean when I say I only like SuFin a certain way.

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#Hetalia #hws SuFin #hws Sweden #hws Finland #hws #SuFin #aph Sweden #aph Finland #aph SuFin #hws Nordics #hws NB8 #ask #asks #hws Asks

[doritofalls]

Any thoughts about Korekiyo's childhood?

i've been sitting on this because honestly!!! as i have outlined in an earlier headcanon post, it is left so open to interpretation and i could imagine several scenarios that would still lead us from point a to point b plot-wise. some musings about kiyo's childhood but especially his and his sisters' dynamic under the cut, tw for drv3 spoilers, discussion of abuse and inc/st.

as far as family goes, it is pretty clear that as far as kiyo's presently concerned, his sister was his only family worth mentioning. now, that doesn't mean that he had no other family - but it sure suggests a lack of emotional attachment on his part.

i think despite being reasonably younger than his sister (a couple years being a huge difference in the development of kids in general, especially once one becomes a teenager), he soon had to grow into the role of functional caretaker due to his sister's condition. maybe that was the other way around in kiyo's early childhood - we don't know the nature of his sister's illness, but we know that it was a constant throughout her life and presumably gradually worsened with time. it is also quite possible that the parental figures in kiyo's life had their hands too full with his sister's illness to pay appropriate attention to him growing up, maybe even encouraging the strong bond the two shared seeing it as a mutually beneficial relationship. and it may have been, initially.

now back to growing into the role of the caretaker: this would probably lead to a sort of isolation that matched her sisters' own - because spending every free minute of yours in the hospital, let it be as a visitor or as a patient, will irreversibly distance you from your peers. and the sad thing is, i don't think kiyo as a child would have particularly minded that - being on the subservient end of their dynamic, he would very much want to be by his sister's side and feel needed by her. not to mention that even if he chose to spend every free minute of his by her side, he couldn't avoid duties outside of her - mostly thinking about school here -, which would offer him another social outlet.

in my reading of the situation of kiyo's sister, she had to have been an extremely isolated person - probably a teenager, though good luck telling so from the game's art -, forced into this role by her lifelong illness. the whole "i could be her brother and lover but never her friend" clusterfuck would imply to me that she wanted a normal life making normal connections with her age group, but her illness and its psychological and physical consequences made that impossible for her. imo that is why she turned to preying on kiyo - in a dynamic that was unbalanced and unhealthy from the start -, forching him from caretaker to the role of lover as well, and despite kiyo never getting to the point of coming to terms with it, the nature of such a relationship and the permanent harm it would cause for him is very self evident to me. i can't make a headcount that wouldn't put him in middle school still at the time.

not to mention that despite trying to mold kiyo into whatever it was she needed him to be, it is clear he could never live up to her expectations. the fact that he could never call himself her friend seems to sting even in present-day, and it is something that led kiyo to commit incredible bullshit noone asked for in an effort to somehow rectify. that implies to me that despite kiyo's willingness, he could never be the intellectual partner his sister wanted him to be - and that is not even a little weird, because they were in wildly different places developmentally. kiyo's sister was unhappy with his company as a friend because he was a child, and that is not something one can order someone to stop being. one can groom a child, but that will not make them stop being a child. i don't think kiyo's sister had illusions about that - and it is something that i think left kiyo with a deep sense of inadequacy, that would become a factor that would fuel his murders later in life.

now i don't even have to really get into his sister's influence on kiyo's personality and likes - and though i do think that anthropology was originally his sister's interest (and something she encouraged him to pursue in the spirit of vicariously living through him), it is something that was a genuine point of connection between the two. i don't think kiyo's own interest in the topic was ever fake or artificial, because he understood the feeling of looking at humanity from an outsider's point-of-view. kiyo's dialogue mentions reading with his sister, and i think they did that a lot - probably with kiyo reading out loud.

i think if you judge from kiyo’s outfit, his sister must have had a more alternative sense of fashion - something i don’t think kiyo himself has or had, but something that he keeps in high respect regardless. i do find making kiyo an outfit another way of trying to live through him - something her own illness would have made hard to pursue. 

#i go insane rambling about kiyo and his sister till i get tired tw #mcfreakin answered #korekiyo shinguji #korekiyo shinguuji #please mind the tws #anon

[blorbologist]

I am one of those nonnies who enjoys reading your and EssayofThoughts' contrasting opinions. I love how the CR community's fanfic writers are all friendly with one another despite differences in headcanons; y'all make nonnies like me feel comfortable with asking fandom questions cuz you're so darn awesome~! So, my question for today is... what is your opinion on... virgin!Percy? Both in your fics and in canon?

Hi anon! I wouldn’t say we *all* know eachother - there are several I admire and haven’t had the guts to start a conversation with yet lol - but I’d say there’s a nice lil nest of Campaign 1 fic people who are really great to chat with! The last few asks like this I’ve gotten, I’ve immediately jumped into Essay’s dms all ‘GUESS WHAT I JUST GOT :D’ lmao, I’m glad we can provide interesting dialog! <33 Our opinions are generally pretty similar, just differences in degrees. 

Now, for the question itself - I honestly don’t really have any strong opinions on Percy’s level of experience? Bla bla bla virginity is a social construct and all, and I can see the strengths to both. 

On one hand, Percy is fairly introverted, and could very easily have avoided the entire issue while in Whitestone and had enough trauma regarding the whole ‘was actively tortured’ thing to not be comfortable sleeping with someone. So him not having any prior experience could make sense! You also get to add even more newness to his relationship with Vex, on top of them navigating romance together.

On the other, he was also a noble, and curious as hell, and we know Julius frequented brothels, so if he wanted to give it a try or two it would have been extremely easy. And/or, following the Briarwoods, he could have had some major unhealthy coping mechanisms.

As someone holed up in a lab much the time, on the autism spectrum (which I project a touch onto Percy) and with intimacy issues of my own, I do personally try to lean away from making scientist or autistic-vibes characters into these beings with little to no sexual desire of their own. It’s… a messy issue, but I personally bristle a lil when the default HC for someone similar to me is ‘ah, virgin who is distanced from such Basal Desires until their more sexual partner introduces them to The World of Pleasure’. So I usually lean towards ‘eh an okay amount of physical experience, but little in the ways of emotional connections’.

Glancing at my fics, I think in every universe I've explored so far Percy's had some experience, just about as much as he'd like, except even less than usual in Get your hands dirty due to the whole 'Riza Hawkeye-esque tattoos of forbidden knowledge' shit.

TLDR: both virgin!Percy and not have their own strengths relating to what you’d wanna emphasize with his character in a given fic (isolation and trauma and Newness vs curiosity and/or terrible coping mechanisms and/or diversity in neurodivergent rep*). I personally lean towards the later, BUT it’s not something that I will die on a hill for or think about too much.

Just have fun with it and think through why you're making Percy one or the other in a fic, and remember virginity is a social construct and complete bullshit! :D

#critical role #critical role meta #percival de rolo #ask

[thequeenofsastiel]

KinnPorsche Episode 7 Review-In which TheQueenofSastiel comes to terms with the folly of expecting this dark af mafia show to have anything resembling healthy relationships

The main thing I liked about this episode was the fact that Porsche himself took a really dark turn, wantonly killing and kidnapping without any apparent guilt. Porsche's sweetness has been my main resisting factor when it comes to indulging in the darkness that is this show. But now that he's also become a dark character, I can turn on the part of myself that can enjoy a show like Hannibal(which remains the best show I've ever seen and if you like darkness and homoeroticism then hard recommend), and am thus enjoying this show and Kinn and Porsche's relationship a WHOLE lot more.

Anyways, I liked this episode a lot. Vegas is definitely one of my favorite characters. He's a villain, true, but I have a strong appreciation for the fact that he at least seems to treat his people very well. I'm always trash for powerful people who acknowledge the humanity and dignity of those with less power. I also can't help but really enjoy Porsche and Vegas's scenes, despite the fact that Vegas is a villain. I honestly find Vegas fascinating. I'm genuinely not entirely certain if his attempted seduction of Porsche is solely motivated by his desire fuck over Kinn, or if he actually likes Porsche, and I enjoy that ambiguity. It did make me laugh when Porsche asked how Vegas knew that he wanted to open a bar on the beach, and Vegas said that he always made sure to know everything about a person he was into. All I could think was, "You know that's not actually an answer, Porsche. Don't you? Don't you??"

Porchay and Kim are cute, though admittedly I find their relationship far less interesting than Kinn and Porsche’s.

Korn confuses me. He doesn't want Kinn to have feelings for Porsche, and yet he isn't firing Porsche or even reassigning him. His behavior doesn't make sense.

Also I don't think I'm ever going to get over him cutting an apple on a PORCELAIN plate. What the fuck, bro? Cutting boards are a thing.

I find it amusing that Kinn, who so far appears to be doing his best to please his father, proceeds to spend the rest of the episode after that scene being incredibly possessive of Porsche, doing, as far as I can tell, absolutely nothing to resist his feelings.

Now that I'm indulging in my inner darkness(thank you for that, show), I'm not going to pretend I didn't absolutely love Porsche and Kinn in the episode. They were intense and wild, though Kinn definitely has a fuckton of softness for Porsche. I liked this:

This tiny smile at Porsche’s naiveté was very cute. I'm also enjoying Kinn's possessiveness of Porsche:

I found it peculiar that Kinn grabbed Porsche’s hand and pressed it against his crotch since, as far as I'm aware, the only time they've done anything other than kissing was when Kinn raped Porsche in ep 4. Though Porsche didn't seem to remotely mind. So I've gotta guess that they've had sex in between then and when Porsche kissed Kinn in ep 6.

It was very interesting that Kinn apparently ordered Pete to spy on Vegas and Porsche. I'm curious if that was more motivated by a lack of trust in Porsche or a lack of trust in Vegas. Though of course I'm sure it was both, I wonder which was the stronger point.

There were literally no women at that party, which I find extremely intriguing. I would think that a celebration of macho violent achievement would involve women, because parties like that usually do, so the lack of them is notable.

I didn't love Kinn slapping Porsche in the bathroom, but Porsche slapped him as well later on, and much harder, so 🤷‍♀️

I made a post about this earlier, but I find the fact that Kinn's response to Porsche suggesting that Kinn might kill him like he did Tawan was to call Porsche a slut baffling. Like, what? How are those two things related? Their whole encounter in the bathroom was intense and wild and unhealthy and captivating. I've watched it five times and still not gotten bored or any less confused by their behavior.

10/10 on the episode. Every part of it was enjoyable, even the parts that were confusing. I'm stoked that the next ep starts in five minutes.

#KinnPorsche #KinnPorsche episode 7 #kinnporsche review #my reviews

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #200

Where were your parents born? Mom is from New York and Dad is from Ohio.

Have you ever used public transportation to get to work? No.

Who in your family has the coolest job? Idk, honestly.

Have you found your first gray hairs yet? No.

What is your favorite food to put gravy on? I hate gravy.

Do you know anyone from Canada? I do! My ex's best friend had a long-distance relationship with a Canadian, and during one of her visits, Jason and I hug out with them. We're still Facebook friends, I like her a lot.

What's your opinion on astrology? If you want my honest opinion, I think it's laughable to even consider. Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings.

Do you use TikTok? No.

Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Yikes, no.

Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Doesn't matter to me. I'm less shy and awkward around women, but.

Are you good at hiding your feelings? NO

Can you drive a stick shift? I've never tried, so no.

Do you care if people talk badly about you? I wish I didn't, but I do.

Are you going out of town soon? No.

Does anyone hate you? I'm sure.

Do you think you'll be married in 5 years? I feel like probably.

Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? I've been in the same relationship for two and a half years.

What’s the best part about school? Regularly seeing friends. It helped to fight my social anxiety/reclusiveness and stuff.

Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yeah, I've had the same account since I joined as what, a pre-teen? Oftentimes I want to make a new one, however I've liked so many pages (primarily for memes) that I don't want to start over lmfao. LITERALLY the main reason I don't start fresh.

Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? I didn't; I was a teacher's pet very keen on not causing trouble.

Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? That would be my mother, and it'd be quite problematic if I found her attractive in the way you're talking. I think she's beautiful, and her smile is the greatest one in the whole world, but there's no sexual attraction there.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah. It's way healthier and deeper with my mom, but.

How do you want to die? Old age, I guess. Surrounded by family.

When was your last physical fight? Never.

Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? The longest I've stayed up consistently is three days, because I was manic.

Ever made out in the bathroom? No, that sounds so uncomfortable to me lol.

Are you scared of spiders? In general, no. I've come to love them. HOWEVER, they can still startle me if I'm not expecting one. As animals though, they're lovely and EXTREMELY interesting!!

What is/are/were your best subject(s)? English/writing, art, and German.

Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yes. It's a shitty feeling.

Do you have trust issues? Yes. I do think they've improved, but they're still there for sure.

Favourite food? I'm so unhealthy dude, I would straight-up say chocolate, but let's be real, that's not a proper food. As far as "real" answers go, cheeseburgers, probably. Still unhealthy.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Hell fucking no. I think what's happening in Palestine as we speak is enough fucking proof of that. Whoever has the fucking audacity to say things like kids getting cancer has a reason, how fucking dare you.

Is cheating ever okay? No, it's not.

What makes you happy? Seeing any footage of meerkats.

Is there anyone you would die for? There's honestly a lot of people I would die for, deadass.

What’s the best news you’ve gotten lately? Um... I'm not sure?

^And, the worst? My mom's cancer is back; there's a new growth in her abdomen that will require surgery to remove ASAP. I've been really struggling with it, like we were fully aware it was GONNA come back at some point, her diagnosis was too advanced not to, but I'm still scared. I'm SO convinced I don't have much time left with her, because of course a scan revealed its return AFTER she had to stop her cancer med because it's been three years, and continuing it would put her too deeply at risk for bone marrow cancer, which would be way bigger of a problem.

Do you like getting dressed up? Rarely.

Would you be embarrassed to find out you snored loudly in public? I would be mortified, probably.

Are you reading any books at the moment? Yes; it's Sign of the Moon in the "Omen of the Stars" plot arc of Warriors by Erin Hunter. What a mouthful.

When was the last time you had a tick on you? It's been years, probably. I'm like, deathly afraid of ticks, so I avoid areas where I know they'd be common. It's a fear I need to get over though since I aspire to be a wildlife/nature photographer, and also because I DESPERATELY want to be a herper when my legs are more reliable. I regularly have dreams about herping, this isn't just a shallow want, I feel like my fuckin soul wants it.

Have you been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I'm dying to visit one day.

Do you like grapes or raisins better? I only like grapes, raisins are horrendous.

What is the picture on the desktop on the computer you’re using? A meerkat among flowers that I edited to be light pink.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, this is a terrifying concept to me.

Do you believe in ghosts? Yeah. I don't know how aware I think spirits are, but I definitely believe in the remnants of sentient life existing in SOME way.

Would you ever stay overnight in a haunted house? Oh fucking totally.

When was the last time you had an injection? What for? When I was at the ER for an asthma attack, I think. I had so many needles in me that night lol.

Is there anything you cannot wait to be over? Yes, this struggle to find a medication that helps my depression and its symptoms, especially anhedonia. It was recently decided that I'm going to retry Latuda and Lamictal, which was my absolute miracle combination in 2017, however I eventually became immune to its effects, hence why I stopped. It apparently is possible to lose immunity to these kinds of medications though, so we're HOPING that'll be the case for me with the combo that literally saved my entire life.

What was the last thing you had done at the dentist? Hmmm... I feel like it was a normal cleaning?

Does your best girlfriend have any talents that you don’t? She is a BRILLIANT makeup artist.

What color eyes does the last person you kissed have? Brown.

Did your parents ever read stories to you before bed? My mom did.

What are you listening to? I'm watching/listening to a Gab Smolders Dark Souls LP.

Do you like hickeys? I only mind them if they're in obvious spots that make them publicly awkward lol. Otherwise, I'm a biter so I can't say shit lmao

Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? No, not anymore.

Do you have any summer plans yet? No.

Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Oh boy, he's seen me full-on fall apart.

Are most of your friends guys or girls? The majority of my closest friends are actually nonbinary.

Who do you text the most? My mom.

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? I don't think so, but ESPECIALLY not if it's a very young baby. I am not meant to be a parent figure.

Do you miss your last sweetie? No. I sometimes miss how tight our friendship was, and how at home I felt around her in person, but do I miss our relationship? No. She took a toll on my self-worth; Sara made me feel very annoying on far too regular a basis.

Would you rather be anorexic or obese? Hey have you heard of going to fuck yourself?

Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? Yes, a woman I took pictures of once because she's the friend of a regular client I had.

What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? Sangrias.

Do you play any games on your phone? Pokemon GO, DragonVale, and Amaru, if you count a self-care virtual pet.

Have you ever shaved your face? I use a mini razor tool on my upper lip and chin, where I'll have dark hair.

What was the last vaccination you got? Covid, when it was a newer thing.

Do you have a brother? Yeah, Bobby.

Would you ever have a bird as a pet? I can't imagine myself with a bird.

Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No. I don't think I'd be able to, I'm too emotional, I wouldn't be able to get words out.

When was the last time you saw your father? A week ago at my youngest niece's birthday party.

Any time when you need to search something on the Internet, which search engine do you use? Google.

Do you believe in saving your virginity for marriage or no? Marriage is literally a ceremony and that's it. Nothing important has truly changed, save your virginity for someone you love and feel safe with, otherwise who fuckin cares.

When you open your web browser, what is your home page set to? Why did you select this? Google. I think this laptop just came that way, and I've had no reason to change it.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions #random surveys #personal surveys #questionnaire

[mayaswell2000]

When I was young (1)

It's hard to write stuff. Just to put stuff on the paper. Extremely hard. Sometimes, I have nothing to say. But I guess people always have something to write. To themselves.

I've been trying to write about my childhood. I don't know why, just this need. I don't have any other stories to tell but my own.

Not sure if I remember anything before 5. I recall climbing onto a mattress a lot. I love hanging out in the high up, like a monkey. The old Shikumen house has a unique charm to it. I realized they are basically old townhouses owned by rich people before 1949. They are old houses. They were supposed to be a complete house owned by one family but after 1949, everything was redistributed and by the time I was born and lived there, it was shared by 3 different households. My parents and I live on the first floor, which had a big horizontal window. I could see street views right through it. Window frame I believe was some sort of old red wood, you know, just the old furniture smell. My grandparents (Dad's parents) lived in a small room on the second floor, about 60 square feet. We call it "Ting Zi Jian" 亭子间。The rest of the second floor and third floor was taken by two other families.

The house was originally owned by my grandma's mom. She was a grocery store owner. The words on the street were that she killed herself drinking Dichlorvos. But no one knows. I never ask my dad or my grandma about that. My mom told me about it. She hates my grandma (nai nai). She hates a whole lot of people. Maybe all the people she knows. Up till recently I realized how mentally unhealthy she is due to her fucked-up childhood–her parents "almost" gave her away to another family because she's the 4th daughter and no one wanted that. I don't think she was ever loved by either of her parents. They didn't give a fuck about her. They loved the first two daughters and their only son, who was beaten up a lot growing up. He never left the family. 65 now, He's still living with them, and taken care of by them. They gave a lot of money and resources to their first-born, who still stays in their hometown Chong Ming Island. Her husband had a stroke and is lying in bed all day. He used to be a great cook and cooked the best lamb meat. Her daughter Lily married to a far-away town in Jiang Xi and got a divorce years later, leaving her only son to her husband's family. She and her then husband started a pyramid scheme business and got my mom into it. My mom used to have a great relationship with her but after that, she lost 20000 USD to the scheme. To minimize the loss, she went to Chongming Island and asked for money back from Lily's mom, her oldest sister. She got half of the money back, which was pretty impressive, and god knows what a scene she had made and how many people she offended (yelled at). As you can imagine, I have a tough and crazy mom. She only went to high school.

As I write this, I realize how crazy both of my parents' families are. Crazy is a nice word for "fucked-up". But again, for Chinese people born between the 1930s and 1960s, nothing is crazy.

Back to the Shikumen. My mom hated my grandma's gut (dad's mom). They fought all the time. She had no respect for them and didn't know how to please them or got them to like her. According to her, grandma and her friends loved playing mahjong all day long when she was pregnant with me. I can imagine how hard it is to be pregnant and need to work. No one was there to help her. My dad is a mom's boy. I heard that a man like that can never love another woman. All his love goes to his own mother and her approval. My parents had only been dating for a year ( obviously never slept together) before they decided to get married. The trigger was that my mom's parents had a chance to get a condo from the government so they thought by getting married, they might be able to get a house for free. My dad was super into money and "a good deal", so he agreed to get married, even though he didn't like her very much. Maybe money was such a big deal back then, oh well, still is in the present. He told me in person when I was in my 20s, how he regretted getting married to her and hated that matchmaker friend. "It's all that mother-fucker's fault. He ruined my life" is his exact words. The sad thing is, they didn't end up getting any condo. They had to crash with my grandparents in Shikumen. I bet he felt scammed.

Both my parents were very good-looking, especially my dad. And my mom loves pretty boys. He didn't treat her well. He only loved his own mom and his sister, and later me. They had me after a year of marriage, and since, trapped forever till today. After years of fighting, my grandparents moved away to my Aunt's, which was pretty big of them, now that I think about it. It was their house. They had every right to stay there. Grandma told dad to divorce mom. He wouldn't because of me.

I hate to think they can't divorce because of me. I wish a thousand times they can separate so that I don't need to witness their physical and mental abuse to each other everyday. Now I know, it's NOT about me. It's about them. Their fear to change, fear to be judged. They never get a divorce. And they still fight today.

About two months ago, they got into a huge fight over the neighbor. My mom wanted to sue them because their hallway is misplaced and my dad refused. He called me on the phone, telling me he will never be happy again being with her. After the call, I feel so awful. I dreamed of him hanging himself while being so unhappy. My mom would call me 10 times a day to manipulate me to convince him. She told me she threatened him with a knife, daring to cut herself. I couldn't believe my ears. How is this person my mom? The woman I worshipped, admired, respected so much. She's the one who helped me go to the best college, the one who supported me to come to the US. I thought I owed all my success to her. But now I know, the success was defined by her in the first place, of course I felt I owed it to her.

It's her dream all along. Not mine. Her passion. Her vain. Her will to escape. Not mine. Mine is to marry a Shanghainese bad boy, even though he's only 5'6. Mine is to do advertising in Shanghai. Hangout with all my best friends, my cousin Yumi. Why would I trade my dream life with a dream that's so far-fetched and I know nothing of? That guy appears in my recurring dream. I understand that's not about homesickness. It's about losing control over my own life and not being able to live freely.

I realized how much time I've spent in my life, trying to win her approval, please him, being their mediator, making them happy. And it never worked. They are still unhappy. And I'm always caught up in between, even when I'm in my 30s all the way across the Pacific. They still got me. They could easily ruin my day, my week, just by doing that.

About a month ago, I decided to put a stop to it. I stopped being her best friend, stopped talking to her, stopped being codepedent on her. I felt so ashamed and so guilty at first. I cried every day and night. But later on, I got passed it. I got stronger. I became a NEW me. A better me. An independent me. I got myself a way better friend than my mother -- myself. I can fully trust her. Trust her to take care of me, love me. She won't emotionally abuse or manipulate me like my own mother.

I'm not gonna cut them out of my life. That's not an option for me. Confucianism still got us east-Asian kids. I'm going to be nice and polite. But I will no longer hesitate to say NO and keep my boundary. I'm trying to get her therapy. I'm trying to help with the financial resort I can afford. I can't sacrifice my own mental health to help her anymore. It doesn't work for her and it's bad for me. I believe everyone deserves to be happy. Thus everyone deserves therapy. I did therapy, and look at me now, I'm reborn.

Always choose the truth. Always be brave to change.

#biography #childhood #personal #diary entry

[alyaandthebrain]

Love in the brain of me

so this is my first post. I haven't really written anything in awhile, especially not something about me.

I want to vent about love when dealing with BPD. I feel like I have no one to talk about it with. I experience love in such an extreme way. my mood changes depending on if this person is responding. (I'm gonna call the person I currently like 'M') M struggles with depression so can sometimes be distant and its like my brain takes that as a personal attack. my brain immediately spirals into a 'he hates me' direction or that he found someone better than me. every second he doesn't respond another thought of how he's with someone or is playing me enters my mind. I think these insane things like how if he's with another girl id light his car on fire or dumb shit like that. rationally I know I can't do that and if he hurts me then he hurts me but god I will do anything and everything in my power to stop it and keep him. I think of him literally every second but not in a cute way. in an I'm obsessed and am getting more and more possessive by the day. I don't know how to stop it or like him in a normal way. I've cried because he hasn't responded and my brain has decided he will never speak to me again when in reality he's just relaxing after work. I read so far into every single message and reread them all the time. I cannot accept what's on the surface there has to be more there has to be some betrayal; at the same time thought my delusions run the show. my brain creates these hyper realistic daydreams about us and I just want it. I want to be trusting and kind and patient but god my fuse is so short. I really have tried to hide my insanity from him but god I feel like I'm holding my breath underwater. I feel so insecure all the time because we don't have a label and I just know he's talking to other girls and it just isn't fair. it isn't right that they get to talk to him. fuck it sends me into a rage everytime I think about another girl kissing him or talking to him or being called pretty by him. I literally threw up the other day thinking about another girl getting to touch him. I feel like if I'm this bad now I shouldn't enter any form of relationship but at the same time I don't want to live my life with this form of fear. I haven't seen him irl in two weeks bc of his depression making him peopled out and while I believe him I also don't. my brain immediately goes to he's lying he's lying he's lying. It thinks he's using this time to see other girls and that he can see how far off my hinges I am and won't tell me. he says he misses me a lot and does cute things but its so hard to believe that someone could possibly like me for being me. I feel so fucking annoying and clingy for telling him I miss him so much but id die for him. id do anything for him all he has to do is ask. it feels like my world is fucking falling apart when he's busy and like the apocalypse is around the corner when he doesn't compliment me. I also hate mirroring because my mirror seems to be zoomed in. if he's sad about something I'm devastated about it; if he's happy I'm over the fucking moon. I feel his emotions to an extreme. it kind of reminds me of that scene in midsommer where they cry with dani. god writing this out feels good but so shameful. I know how I think is unhealthy and I need to watch my behaviours. I have been doing well actually. I haven't freaked the fuck out on this one yet! I've remained patient and calm. at least in front of him I am. I have a journal filled with raging thoughts that I plan to burn. I also have had FaceTime calls with friends last entire nights of me freaking out and them trying to help me. I sometimes feel like I cannot live without feeling love. I think that's why I'm so willing to risk getting hurt again but I don't have a choice. my brain makes the choices but it doesn't consult me or anyone first. it just picks someone and says this person is now your person and you will feel such strong love and adoration for them until you don't. until you only feel hatred and spite and vengeful towards them or you feel nothing at all towards them. it feels good to write this all out.

#bpd life #bpd #bpd relationships #bpd rant #bpd vent

[dzpenumbra]

11/16/22

Okay two things just happened. One - I went outside to smoke and saw an inch of snow on the ground. The skateboarder in me cried because the skatepark is no longer really skateable for him. The snowskater in me beamed with joy. Thank god I reconnected with snowskating, because it reconnected me with skateboarding, and now I have an active sport to do all year long. Except for mud season. Mud season is the roughest by far. But I get a lot of creative work done during mud season, so it evens out.

Two - I opened my Betterhelp app to see if I could turn my app notifications on for once! I get fucking spam email notifications and telemarketer calls every damn day, but I don't get notifications for when my therapist responds to my messages. I gotta sit down and do something about that. And while we're on the topic, fuck anyone - and I mean anyone - who thinks I'm going to buy their product or service in order to stop them from annoying the shit out of me. "Pay us and the kid we paid to sit behind you on the airplane will stop kicking your seat at full strength." Fuck off with that shit. Please. So, I couldn't find the notification settings, but I did glance over the first two paragraphs of his message and it was a big breath of fresh air. Like being stuck in a stuffy, dusty, animal and dander filled apartment for 4 months and then sitting cross-legged by a beautiful river and breathing in the fresh air. And it just hit me... "fuck, I've been just surrounded by people from unhealthy families and relationships. And so few of them even know what a healthy relationship looks like, or think it's like... fiction or something. Like it's just something you see on TV or something." It sucks, because I just want to shake people and go "of course it's possible! Just do it! Just act like those characters! Who cares if they're fictional, they're mentors!" But, they just resist, or come up with reasons not to try. Ugh. See? I get a huge breath of air and it's like... "oh shit, not only do I deserve better than this, and it's not normal, but... I should have better than this? And... I can have better than this? And better than this is actually... available?" And I start beaming with joy and excitement! How fucking incredible life is going to be when I'm in a healthy relationship with someone who wants to work and play, but mostly play. :D But the downsides come with it, too. The whole, you can't save those stuck or trapped in misery. And it's just... yeah. It becomes the weight around my neck, the ball and chain around my ankle. Trying to save people, and suffering with them. So maybe I should try to reconcile this, unite the two, evolve them together. To inspire others to pursue healthier relationships and a happy life, to show them that you can break free. You can start over with nothing. Instead of just trying to coach them. Lead by example.

I think that could be an important shift in my life. But it requires confidence, extreme confidence. And I'm desperately low in confidence lately. Without exaggerating, I put together like Sims-esque (Rimworld, in my head) Need meters for myself. A prototype on paper, I want to make actual adjustable meters out of cardboard and mount them on my wall so I can gauge how to manage my needs the way I trained to through video games - by reading a meter and then performing tasks to balance that meter. Minecraft hunger bar, health bar, that kinda shit. Fuck if people call me nerdy or stupid or whatever, they're just being a loveless bully. My need meters that I settled on for now are Food, Water, Sleep and Confidence. That's how important it is to me. I genuinely believe that it's one of my core needs. And I think Willpower is on there too, but I haven't really gotten that far yet. So... generating confidence is super duper motherfucking important for me right now, and I think it is for a lot of trauma victims. I'm starting to notice that it's almost more important for me than Sleep. Like... let's use this stupid anxiety about being 100% presentable for a goddamn phone call to set up a state inspection appointment as an example. With this problem, which fucked up my life for like 3-4 days... if I pull an all-nighter, but I still have a bunch of Confidence? I'm good to go. If I'm absolutely starving but I have a bunch of Confidence? Totally fine. Dehydrated as hell, but still Confident? Not a problem.

So here's where my sleep schedule stuff comes in, I guess. Am I not going to bed until 4-6AM because I'm afraid of being alone? Because I don't feel safe asleep at night with no one watching the house? Or is it because I'm just getting lost in time doing things I really enjoy at night? And because I just do stupid chores and fight with my family during the day? Maybe that's what I'm avoiding? I mean... my life is super fucked up because I'm not awake during the day and have no one to help me make appointments and shit. Everything in my shitty town of 4000 people closes at like 9 or 10. I am not fucking kidding. There is one convenience store that I used to be a Night Shift Manager for (big fucking surprise there!) that was open until like 11. That's it. The general store up the road closes at like 7 or 8, and they have fucking self-checkout! They could totally stay open later! Ugh. So when I start going nocturnal, it starts getting super hard to do shit with day people. Like... let's walk through what my day will be like tomorrow for example, and keep in mind, I'm getting to bed early tonight.

After writing this, I like to read it back, to hear what my brain sounds like and familiarize myself with how my thoughts look and read-back in writing form. It's a weird thing, and it really helps you get to know yourself, so I'd really recommend it! Especially if you're a writer. But do keep in mind that this is entirely stream-of-consciousness, that means no edits - which I sometimes do, and I'm not too happy about it, but usually its because I have a few different sentences going at once in my head and they can kinda overlap sometimes. Like I'll use synonyms and stuff for that. And spelling errors. But reading back stream of consciousness writing that you did honestly is a great way to get to know yourself and how you can sound to others if you're like 100% honest. It just takes a bit of practice to get your typing up to speed with your thoughts, if you're not the fastest typist. I still struggle with that, and I type all weird.

So when I'm done reading this back, however long that takes, I go to sleep. So... it'll probably be around 4:20? 4:30? Then I'm probably asleep within 15 minutes. I've been falling asleep really well lately, I used to really struggle with that the most, I think weed and journaling are helping tremendously, like better than 2mg of Xanax tremendously. So we'll say sleep cycle starts at 4:30.

I don't lie to people, and I try not to lie to myself, so I need a good 8 hours of sleep to be fully rested. XD So I'm getting up at 12:30. That's pretty damn good. When I got to sleep at 7, that number goes to 3PM real quick. So getting up at 12:30, I need a shower - which is usually about half an hour and I really don't like saying fuck it and skipping because I get in bad habits and I have a recurring bacterial infection so I really need to be showering daily for my own physical health to keep that in check. That's half an hour at least, I fucking love showers and sing in them every day. I cannot stress enough how much I love singing in the shower, and how absolutely revolutionary the invention of waterproof bluetooth speakers has been for me. I used to carry a boom box into my bathroom and play CDs in it while I showered, a little chargeable bluetooth brick speaker is a godsend! So a long shower is a non-negotiable with me unless I have an appointment or something. Coffee and cat food is first though. So after my shower and food it should be around 1:30ish. On a 7AM day, that's now 4PM.

If you want to go to an actual store (that isn't the one grocery store) or make an appointment or something, you need to get whatever you need done that day done before 5. That's like... universal "we're fucking off and going home" time. Which is coincidentally also around sunset this time of year. So on a normal day, day activities include: windows to make appointments, store runs/trips, hiking time, skating time. So if I want to go to the river for an hour or so, on a 4:30AM day... I can usually get back from the river around... 3? If I'm just doing the hour. And then I still have time to spare to set up appointments and stuff. Same goes for the skatepark. But on a 7AM day... it starts getting dark when I'm in the woods, or at the skatepark. And there's 0 time for going to the hardware store to look for a chisel, or stone polish, or woodcarving tools. No time to set up my car appointment, or vet appointment. I have to choose. Do I want executive functioning stuff, or do I want exercise and nature. Fucking duh, I want nature and fun and exercise. So... I've struggled with that a LOT over the past few months, in my grief periods I struggle with it by far the most. Maybe it's a depression thing? Self-soothing? Maybe.

So obviously the daylight hours are valuable to me. They are time I spend in the world. So why do I spend so much time awake and active at night? Why am I up until 4-6 AM like every night. Why am I not even tired until then? I ask because I do need to fix my sleep schedule this week for the meet-and-move-in next week. And the car appointment. Oh yeah, I got both of those set up. Monday and Tuesday. So I have to be up and at the car dealership, drawing on my hoodie in their service department waiting room, at 10AM on Monday. Then up in the new city around noon the next day. Which means on Tuesday, I really should be up around... 8:30 or 9? And that's super rushing the shower. So I really do need to fix that schedule. So... I really can't figure out the why I stay up all night thing. Maybe it's because the daylight is so valuable to me, like... it's my nature time, and I don't like the idea of being indoors and working when I could be outdoors and having fun. Like, I'd much rather be out at the river gathering stones during the day, even in the winter, than indoors sanding stones during the day. I feel like most of my night time is spent working. It's very quiet, there are few distractions. I can work for many hours straight without a text or a call or a phone notification. Especially if I have a game like Rimworld (the day/night cycle in-game throws off your sense of time) or if I'm watching long-form media like a several hour livestream. I can easily draw, sand, carve, weave, whatever for hours at a time and have absolutely no awareness, and there will be no consequence for it. And the whole process is enjoyable. Like... it's a no-brainer, right? Night time is awesome, honestly. I really do enjoy it. It does get a bit lonely, and I'd love company sometimes, but man, I get so much done at night.

So... I guess I've found out a bit about myself here. Maybe I'm not afraid of someone breaking into my house and murdering me in my sleep. Maybe my best hours are currently aligned with 10PM-2AM, the timeslot of my radio show in college. The timeslot of my old livestreams. Maybe those are my work hours. I mean, that's a long-ass shift for live performance, meticulously detailed nature illustration, hand-sanding stones and hand-carving wood. I do get my best work out of that time slot. At least, I have historically. But having those hours just really suck life-balance-wise. It made me dependent on others to help me with daytime stuff, since my environment is very hostile towards night people. I mean... they barely even have public lights out at night, it's a bit much.

Welp, I wrote a ton and I'm reeling myself back in because I said 4:30 earlier, it's 4:30 now and I haven't even started reading this back yet. So let's fix that. This whole scheduling thing can wait until tomorrow, I will get on it then.

Here were today's cool things. I embellished 3 of my favorite mineral specimens by adding in facets on the existing edges. I beveled the edges, basically, and they look fucking really goddamn good now. It's hard to do them justice in a picture, but if I manage to get a good picture I will post it. I made at least 4 new wooden beads and set up a clamp vice to mount my wireless dremel. It worked beautifully and I actually got to wood-turn with knives and the pieces came out really cool! I'm very happy with them, and I'm excited to find smaller sticks to work with so I can do this more effectively. I set up a meeting with my new landlord company representative or whatever, it's set in stone now, a week from today. I did some tarot study, set up a google docs with all the card names in it. Then under each card, a detailed description of the art, concepts represented by the card's symbol, and a specific personal memory/event that would be represented by that card. I think this is going to be a much better way of learning Tarot, one that few people actually commit to doing because... it's really personal and it's not easy, it's kinda like therapy. I did the 5 of Swords and the 6 of Swords today, which was actually pretty emotionally difficult. 5 of Swords is a pretty fucked up card. I'm sorry. Death is like... everyone makes a big deal out of it or whatever. The Devil and The Tower are usually scarier to me, but like... I think 5 of Swords is super unsettling. Maybe it's just because of my personal experiences and traumas. 6 of Swords was much more uplifting, literally. It's about persevering through chaos, trusting your wits and clarity to guide you to peace ahead. 5 of Swords is about conflict, control and questionable ethics. At least in my deck. I'd like to keep studying the deck this way, and just pull a few random cards every day and study them until I get through the whole deck. It's a cool project, I really enjoy it. It also snowed, which was exciting, I saw snowplow lights and I felt like a kid on christmas morning. But I didn't go out and skate. I know the snow is too wet, I know I don't have lights for it... probably. But I'm really goddamn excited to go snowskating soon. :D

I think that's most of the positive stuff.... oh wait! I placed an Amazon order! Cuz... confidence! Fuck it! I really would love to buy from local people, but man... I've just been struggling with that, okay. So I just bought some shit. Because last time I went to the hardware store looking for stone polish, they just googled it right in front of me and went "we don't have it". Big waste of time. So I got 2 kinds of stone polish to try out, I got some collets for my rotary tool that hopefully fit. If they don't... whatever, no big loss, it was like 5 bucks. I got more incense! Yay! And some new essential oils which I'm pretty excited about. Different types of wood scents, I think that will be nice, especially to mix. And I got beeswax too! So I will be able to polish all of these stones, even the quartz, to a nice mirror shine. And I'll be able to seal the beads and stain and maybe even scent them too. And if the collets work, I have a lot of dremel bits that I will finally be able to use after like 3 months of putting this purchase off. And my new place will smell like nature, which I would really like.

So yeah! Lots of good things today, I'm very happy with it. The darkness always comes creeping back in, of course it does. But the light was shining bright today, and I'm very glad I committed so much of myself to generating these beautiful things!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts