#i'm too anxious myself to write something that isn't happy right now

[awlimagines]

Hey guys, I'm working on another fluffy piece for all the bachelor/ettes. I'm taking suggestions for everyone except Rock. His is already done and spicy enough. I have a couple of scenarios planned out for a few others. What scenarios or actions drive you crazy to read about? The general prompt without giving too much away is a kiss you won't forget.

#it's really kinokoshoujoart's fault i don't need anything for rock #their recent posts provided enough inspiration for his #once i have another one or two done i'll post exactly what i'm talking about #rock and at least one other should be done tonight #i don't want to only indulge myself and the things i like though #i'd like to practice stuff i wouldn't normally think on either #i can't focus on angst atm #i'm too anxious myself to write something that isn't happy right now #i'll get the angst done when my life settles though #i promise

[teaboot]

While I'm happy that the word "gaslighting" is more known than it used to be, and that people at large are learning to recognize what it looks like, I feel like we need to be careful not to turn it into something soft and casual we throw around off the cuff without meaning.

Being gaslit is psychological abuse that fucks you up very badly, very slowly, at such a gradual pace that you don't usually know it's happening until it's already re-wired your brain.

If you're unfamiliar with the term, "to gaslight" is to intentionally persuade someone that they cannot trust their own perceptions of reality. It's a destabilizing form of manipulation that leaves you constantly anxious, off-balanced, confused, and dependant on others.

This is done by lying about events that have happened or about things that are happening, invalidating feelings and observations, and either denying, refusing to acknowledge, or deflecting away from hard facts.

As someone who has experienced gaslighting as a form of abuse, this is what I remember from when I didn't know anything was off:

"Oh, I must have forgotten what really happened."

"I'm just not seeing it from their point of view."

"Everyone has their ups and downs. This is normal."

"I guess I wasn't thinking about what I was doing."

"I must have been wrong."

This is what I remember from when I first started realizing something was weird:

"How come every time I'm convinced they did something wrong, they just talk to me a few minutes, and I end up asking for their forgiveness? What has me so convinced I was right in the first moment?"

"I should start writing things down when they happen, so I can go back and check later when I'm confused."

"If every relationship like ours (familial, romantic, platonic) works this way, how come I never hear about it, or read about it, or see it anywhere else?"

Getting out and adjusting to the real world is hard, too, and comes with rapid swings of unfounded guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, and self-deprication that are completely unfounded in reality.

You've been conditioned to believe that you are entirely helpless and unable to think for yourself, possibly "crazy" or otherwise fundamentally impaired, and that there is a singular source of guidance that knows exactly what is right, and all of a sudden that pillar of support has vanished.

The immediate "after" that I recall looks like:

Constant uncertainty. Because nobody is there to tell you what's real and what isn't, you approach every situation thinking at it from all angles. Every question has fifty possible answers and most of them are wrong and you don't know which. If you choose wrong, the world will end.

A sense of helplessness. You feel that nothing you do is correct, and it's easier to make no choices at all- or you make wild, reckless, impulsive choices, because you feel you have nothing to lose.

Memory loss. I don't understand this one, but it's not like memoriescare being erased, but more like... you're so used to treating your memories as dreams or imaginations that you reflexively dismiss anything you recall as fake, and you can't believe anything you recall because you don't think it was real. Your abusers voice is in your head, wiping things away and telling you that you did the wrong thing. And you believe them, because they're the only constant you can rely on.

Missing the abuser, or the abusive dynamic. Because you know now that it wasn't healthy, but at least you knew where you stood. As long as you said the right things and acted the right way, agreed and obeyed and did as they expected, you felt like thevworld made sense. Now you have to figure out which parts of you really are broken, and which parts are working fine in a really weird way, and it's like tuning a piano when you've never played one before.

The long term "after"- for which I can only speak for myself- looks like:

Having to double-check, triple-check, and continue checking hard evidence of an event before responding in an active way.

Consulting with trusted friends to verify that your observations are legitimate and that your perceptions are valid. Following up with them to see if someone is really angry at you, or if you're just projecting anger onto them because it's what makes sense to your old pattern.

Obsessive collection of "evidence"- saving pictures, writing detailed journals, making recordings and video, never deleting emails or old texts, because you still don't quite trust yourself all the way and you're afraid that someone will cause you to doubt yourself again.

Continued self-doubt and being "gullible": I have straight up seen people flip me off to my face in front of witnesses and then immediately tell me, "No, I was just waving", and my first instinct is to believe them. For a few seconds, I *really do* believe them. Your brain is so trained to latch onto what people tell you to believe that its really, really hard to hold onto information that you already have.

Learning to take ownership over your own actions. (I didn't mess up because I'm "crazy", I messed up because I'm a person and people do that.)

Instinctively seeking approval. (Takes a lot of work to remind myself that I don't exit to make people happy, and that some people suck ass, and I can tell them to piss off.)

I don't intend to invalidate anyone currently struggling with this- if you feel that something is wrong, it probably is. That's the thought that got me out. Trust that feeling that something isn't right.

I just want people who don't know what to look for to know what gaslighting *actually* looks and feels like, so they don't just roll their eyes and think, "Oh, that word doesnt apply to me- I'm not some snowflake".

('Cause we all saw what happened with "triggered", right?)

#Gaslighting #Abuse #Information #Psychological abuse

[undercoverpena]

hello, hi, hola ✨

JO'S PSA ANNOUNCEMENT

and a little explanation. so I hope you’ll forgive me for taking up your time (especially after celebrating non stop). and I know only a bit ago I moved hope they caught us to a two-weekly upload, but I’m actually going to put it on a hiatus.

this wasn't something i found easy, but i'm trying to learn from 2023 jo and if any of you were here then, you know i slowly burnt out forcing myself to do something.

[more info under the cut 💁‍♀️ (if interested)]

I still like the story, and I still love my plan—but I’m struggling to execute it. it's making me feel stressed, and I don’t want to force myself to put something out I’m not happy with, or come to regret either.

and there has always been something about the story that made me nervous? at first, I thought it was because it was new, and it would go away, but honestly, it kinda didn’t? and so i pushed on because I've loved what I had already put out.

so then, I thought maybe that’s just me? maybe I’m running out of ideas or thinking too deeply?

and then I wrote in my room (the javi one shot) and began to write 'do me yourself' (which was meant to be a one shot) and realised that isn't the case at all. if anything, it kinda showed me that I’m trying to force a square into a rectangle hole — and while it does fit, it’s not fitting as well as it could.

I thought the break between chapters (because of DMY) would help, but if anything, it’s made that feeling I have stand out even more.

so, I am not abandoning it, but more, taking longer to work on it when I want to — and without the pressure.

i can now spend time working through knots and oddities without feeling like i'm letting you all down. so when I do begin posting (whenever that will be) I can be consistent for both you and myself.

for now, I’m going to take this week off from a consistent upload (I’ll likely still drabble, and probably end up doing more than I even should) and Tuesday 20th will be do me yourself — with that becoming the weekly series for a while (the frankie fans rejoice).

if you know me, you know this wasn’t an easy thing to decide, and I know i don't even need to even justify this with a long arse post - like it's on hiatus, big deal? but, i'm anxious. I care a lot, and I care about being consistent and showing up. and so, while I do feel a bit bad, guilty, sad that I’m doing this, i know it's also the right thing.

I hope you can understand, and I hope that you’ll stick around for sunny ✨

#jo: psa #jo: htcu

[jwonsoon]

enhypen as taylor swift songs ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

☾ a/n: i've been listening to a lot of taylor swift recently and maybe i'm crazy but every song somehow reminds me of enhypen. i've been thinking about them non stop so i made a part two of the post ☼ made since you guys liked that one. this might be kinda all over the place but i hope you enjoy !

JUNGWON

cardigan "When I felt like I was an old cardigan, under someone's bed, you put me on and said I was your favorite"

comfort. he's my perpetual comfort. on days when i feel like i'm doing nothing right, on days when i feel hopeless, he's always there to spark that 1% within me that wants to keep trying. his continuous effort to communicate with engenes despite his busy schedule shows me that the care he holds for us is something so genuine. he reassures me and gives me reasons to love myself. he will see you crying, sit down next to you and patiently wait and listen. comforting you by holding your hand and wiping your tears. he's always there to make your life feel worth living again. jungwon will never leave you hanging or feeling like you aren't enough; you're always enough for him. a/n my jungwonie i love you

JAKE

safe & sound "You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now"

jake to me embodies emotional protection. he's the type to hold you gently while you cry into his arms, rubbing your back telling you it's going to be okay. no matter what happens he's right there by your side the whole time. the reason i picked this song is because i can imagine jake staying up all night with you when you're overwhelmingly anxious. even if his head keeps jerking back and forth because of how tired he is, he'll make sure you fall asleep first so that he can sleep knowing you're alright.

JAY

right where you left me "You left me no choice but to stay here forever"

angsty, i know. there's two reasons why i think this song perfectly captures him. one being, his loyalty. no matter what happens he'll stay by your side. there are time when it's hard to keep going and there's a back and forth struggle but jay will be consistent and check in on you. he will sit by you and wait for you to feel better, his patience has no end when it comes to those he cares about and it's his most charming quality among many others. i also just think he's so "first love" coded. you are never getting over jay! no matter how hard you try! - but don't worry because he's waiting for you to come back too...

NIKI

paper rings "I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings"

thats bestie!!! riki symbolizes happy young love for me. best friends to lovers type. his teasing flirty manner would always make you giggle. knowing how artsy he is he would definitely make you some goofy paper ring and "propose" to you, leaving you a flustered mess. i just think this song is so upbeat and pretty and incapsulates niki's playfulness perfectly. a/n i love him so much i'm going to rip my walls out.

HEESEUNG

gorgeous "You're so gorgeous, I can't say anything to your face"

i mean... do i even have to explain? heeseung's charm is irresistible. no matter how much his constant teasing would annoy you, when you look up and see his face all of it melts away. he's so hallway crush coded, he would make you feel all giddy inside simply because of a passing head nod or just a slight smile. don't even get me started on his perfect laugh and smile! i can write a 4000 word essay on it. anywho, it's self explanatory. heeseung = gorgeous!

SUNOO

invisible string And isn't it just so pretty to think, all along there was some, Invisible string, Tying you to me?

sunoo is destiny. i remember watching iland and from the very beginning my eyes were hooked onto him. and now, here i am, three years later writing this. his comforting smile and how he gives so much love to those around him helps me recognize how genuinely kind of a person he is. he's someone you want to keep close. no matter what happens sunoo will always find a way to provide you with solace and light on the darker days. he's pretty, the concept of soulmates is pretty, he is such a person destined to be loved and cared for deeply. no one ever hurt him please.

SUNGHOON

the way i loved you "So in love that you act insane and that's the way I loved you"

now, let me preface this by saying, i don't think sunghoon is toxic... this is just to feed my angst loving delusions. sunghoon is the one the got away. he's the one who you cared for so deeply but it was right person wrong time. despite how much he pushed to keep your relationship intact it was hard for him. he didn't want to fight you, he wanted to fight for you. sunghoon is the type to not let you leave until you figure it out with him. he'll sit with you even if you yell at him and just listen to you. he's cares about you so deeply that you can't help but constantly think about him even when he isn't there. - because he is also constantly thinking about you.

#enhypen #kpop #heeseung #jungwon #kpop icons #kpop layouts #sunghoon #jake sim #enhypen jay #sunoo #spotify #enhypen niki #enhypen imagines #enhypen x reader #kpop edits #kpop gg #kpop moodboard #kpopidol #bias #kpop bg #kpop boys #kpop girls #enha #lee heeseung #enhypenjake #kpop imagines #fanfic #headcanons #Spotify

[queenofstelena]

hey hey Mae! I have a fic request for stelena. As you write such good fluff so I was wondering if you would write a stelena fiction where they have a child (preferably a daughter because father daughter relationship>>>) and it's the very first day of her school and it would be the first time she will be away from her lovely parents for such a long time and Stefan is apprehensive about sending her to school and is also kinda emotional. Elena on the other hand is mentally storng as she knew this day had to come, so she has to comfort both Stefan and their daughter. Both of them go together to drop her off in school and Stefan is also kinda crying in an adorable way, overwhelmed by the thought of her daughter growing up so fast 😅✨💕

First Day

Summary: Stefan being nervous about his little girl going to Kindergarten. Bittersweet!

Notes: I'm sorry this took me forever to write I haven't had the motivation! I hope you like it!

Chapters(s): 1/1

Warning: None just fluff and Stefan being nervous about his little girl going to kindergarten.

Characters: Elena Gilbert, Stefan Salvatore, their daughter Lexi Salvatore and Lexi Branson (mentioned).

Rating: General Audiences

Stefan's POV

"Stefan honey, it's Lexi's first day of school. Which means you need to get up." Elena, says sitting on the edge of our bed. 

"No, no it can't be today. She's not ready it can't be!" I say looking at Elena with wide eyes and uncover the covers as I spring up.

"It is today. And she is ready. Now get ready I'll be in the kitchen with Lexi." She says giving me a kiss on the cheek. I watch her leave and think to myself how can she be so calm and okay with this? She's our little girl she can't be going ro kindergarten yet it's too early! She supposed to stay little forever. Who am I kidding no she isn't but still it feels like it's too soon. She's growing up too fast. This makes me think of all of the good times we've had as a family. Like when I taught her how to ride her bike. She was so happy finally being able to ride without steering wheels. or when I made her first pancake for her. Her face lit up like magic. She giggled adorablely after eating it. I thought for a minute maybe this isn't a bad thing but I'm still going to miss her. It feels like she's growing up too fast but that's life isn't? Moving on, it goes by do fast but at the same you don't realize it until the moment passes by.

A few minutes later...

I walk into the Kitchen ready to go. But not truly completely ready for her to leave. But I still give it my all. Even through its first day and I don't want her to leave this means good things too. I thought to myself, today is a bittersweet day she's leaving but it means new beginnings for her and the start of a new day. I smile my brightest smile for her, my little girl, because today will be a good day even if she's leaving something good will come of it, I know. 

I walk into the kitchen pretending to be dumbfounded and say "Where my little girl?" I look around as If I don't see her and shrug my shoulders. 

"I'm right here, daddy!" Lexi says turning from the chair. I walk over and say "There you are!" I pick her up and twirl her around. She giggles happily as I do this. I put her down she smiles at me with the sweetest look. I bent down and ask "who's ready for her first day of school?"

"ME!" She squeals. And hugs me once again. Elena and I smile softly. Elena grabs her backpack and puts it on her back. 

"Come on little lady let's get you to school!" Elena says as we walk to the garage to the car. Elena sits in the driver seat and I stap Lexi in the back passenger seat. And I sit I. The front passenger seat. I'm still anxious but I know she's strong like me and her mom and who she was named after. 

After a few minutes of driving we arrive at Mystic Falls Elementary school. We get out of the car and Elena and I hold her hand. Elena bends down and gives her a kiss on the forehead. "Remember we love you so much and we're never far." She motions to her heart. Lexi smiles and hugs her mom tightly. "I love you too mama." Elena pulls away smiling proudly at her. Elena bends back up and I take her place. "I love you so much Lexi. And I'm so proud of you. Your growing up to be such a kind ans strong person just like your mom and the women you were named after, my best friend. Honestly I was a bit nervous too today."

"You were?" She tilted her head in confusion.

"I was. But it was only because I love you. Everyone gets nervous and gets scared of new beginnings, new chapters in our lives. Lexi smiles and hugs me. "I love you sweetheart." "I love you too daddy." She pulls away as she walks into the school. We both have tears in our eyes and Elena speaks up and says "I think we need to go to waffle house that will make it all better."

"I agree." 

"Great minds think alike." She says as we walk to our car. Proud of our little girl.

The End

#the vampire diaries #tvd #elena gilbert #stefan salvatore #lexi branson #stelena has a daughter #stelena #stefan x elena #elena and stefan #stefan and elena #stelena fanfic #stelena fanfiction #the vampire diaries fanfiction #the vampire diaries fanfic #tvd fanfic #tvd fanfiction #stelena shippers club #stelena stan club #request #requested #wonderful mutuals 💖 #jay <3 #i hope you like it 💗

[transboykirito]

idk what it is but i literally hate everything i'm making lately. maybe hate is too strong of a word bc i'm like "oh this is so good" and then i look at the finished or half-complete product and i'm like "this is dogshit i hate this why am i never good enough"

i have ao3 comments asking for new updates and begging me to continue stories i've burnt myself out for (fwbb especially) but also i write a couple sentences and then feel like i physically can't write more, it's all just blank and i feel like i'm dragging myself through setting cement trying to finish it

i tried to write a karen and elsa fic bc i'm having ggo brainrot, but it's my first time writing them and i've not learned how to write them yet so i hate everything and feel like it's wildly out of character and it's so awkward and stiff - i got one (1) unprompted criticism on a fic i wrote years ago (it was one of my first few sao fics and one of my first fics in general) about my characterisation and now i get so so anxious about mischaracterizing any characters that i get too scared to write with new characters at all, and i'm hypercritical of everything i write because i constantly ask "would they really do and say this shit?"

and it's not just writing fics, either. its writing poetry or my journal entries, and outside of writing entirely its painting, baking, editing, cosplaying, playing music, making porn, sewing, doing makeup. literally everything i love and used to make me so happy and proud is just giving me dread to do because none of it ever feels good enough

please please be gentle with me with fic updates for a while. i'm pretty fresh out of the psych ward and my last attempt, i'm still not physically 100%, i'm beyond stressed for a handful of different reasons, and i'm committing to being sober which means the only way i knew how to get over this feeling before isn't available to me

idk what the point of this post was. i've had a few comments lately that, while i absolutely love and appreciate the sentiment behind, have kinda made me feel like i'm less of a human being and more of a content-production machine. my fics take time and effort and energy and right now i'm using a lot of that just to stay alive. writing is hard, and i've not hidden the fact that the writing process isn't entirely enjoyable for me - it's something i struggle through and deal with because i like feedback and sharing something and being praised. i like getting a metaphorical applause for what i've worked for.

again. don't know why i'm saying this. i would love to enjoy the things i love again soon. please be patient and gentle - with me, with others, with yourselves. love you guys.

#personal

[marshmallowprotection]

Hi Kait! Admittedly, I'm a little embarrassed to ask this, since I'm fairly certain you'll recognize me, but I was looking around your page and I saw that match-ups were open, and... given my intense conflict regarding who the literal fuck I'd actually work well within MysMe, I thought I'd give it a shot. It's a lot easier to talk about myself under the guise of anonymity, so I suppose I'll start there. I'm a college freshman diagnosed with anxiety and depression hoping to get my double major in Psychology and Philosophy, and an eventual PHD in Psych. I am prone to overworking myself and tend to use escapism as an outlet for the fact that I'm never particularly satisfied with my own effort. I spend most of my free time outside of class sitting in my room working on art, writing, or trying to socialize with people (be it online or offline). I play a fair amount of games, but barely have the time to do so because of my tendency to overwork myself. I did a lot of theater and performance throughout my life, so I have a passion for watching musicals and assisting in performances backstage. I like being onstage as well, but previously it's proved more trouble than it's worth, especially since I'm always the 'reliable' cast, not the 'talented' cast. I also have an interest in flower language and plants, despite the fact that I kill most every plant I touch. As for my personality... that one is a little complicated. Offline I perceive myself to be an absolute anxious wreck. I'm always tired and always running around in an attempt to keep up with my responsibilities. However, outwardly people tend to perceive me as confident and knowledgable. I do wonderful in my academics and have a love for debate and asking hard questions, even if internally I am screaming at myself for stuttering or seeming silly. Online I tend to be a lot more open about myself and my emotions, but still fairly guarded as I try my best to maintain my privacy. I try to make people happy and build connections online since I feel more 'myself' there. Once I get close to someone I tend to enjoy peaceful silence with them. I'm a very physically affectionate person as words fail me so often, and I like listening to people just not too much. Chatterboxes get on my nerves, especially when someone repeats the same phrase over and over again. I have noise sensitivity issues as well, which doesn't help things. I'm also terrified of water - specifically the ocean. Any mention of swimming and I panic. I also have slight jealousy issues due to past relationship trauma. I'm 5'7 with a brown pixie cut that's admittedly a little overgrown right now, rose gold rounded square glasses with a slight cat eye, and blue-green eyes that tend to shift colors depending on what I'm wearing. I have quite a few birthmarks littered on my skin - most importantly one above my lip and another under my right eye. My ears are pierced, and I tend to wear black hoops unless I'm dressing up. Day to day I tend to look like your typical tired college student, but if I'm going somewhere I try to dress in cottagecore style attire with lots of sparkly makeup. I'm pan, and my love languages are physical touch and quality time. Something as simple as a hug or a hand to hold can turn me from stressed and panicked to melty and calm in minutes. I value intelligence a lot in a person, which is why I tend to like the nerdy types of characters in media. I also need someone who isn't shy about reminding me to not beat myself up. I tend to spiral anxiety wise a lot, especially if I believe that I've hurt my partner. I want someone who'll be there for me despite the mistakes that we might make. Someone long term. I have two partners currently, but I don't think that I'd end up polyamorous in any other circumstance than those two. Thank you for taking the time to read this, Kait. I apologize for how lengthy it ended up being haha. Please remember that you're greatly appreciated! Have a wonderful day. — 🌸

I match you with...

Jumin!

You value quiet intimacy.

You're not looking for a relationship where you feel as though you have to fill in the silence every waking moment. You want somebody that you can be comfortable with and being comfortable means the world to you. That's what you value at the end of the day. You're not looking for something that has way more energy than you can even remotely handle, you're looking for something that is peaceful and brings you a sense of contentment with your life.

You don't want something that's overwhelmingly fraught with energy. You want to be with somebody after a long day, not saying anything, and just sharing a look that says all that needs to be said. That's your ideal relationship. Mutual understanding. No pressure. Just a silence that says, "I'm here, I'm listening, and you're safe" both ways.

Which is why I was torn between Jaehee and Jumin when I looked at your submission without bias. Ultimately, I came to this conclusion as soon as I noted how you felt as though you needed a partner who had the ability to say something when you need a reminder to be nicer to yourself. and Jumin isn't one to mince words. He'll say what needs to be said and he won't hold back.

That is because he understands that if you are close to him, you'll understand where he's coming from when he says things to you in a very matter-of-fact way. He's not the kind of person who will hold back when you need to hear something.

He understands that you're going to know what he means when he says something bluntly. That's the important thing about being in a relationship with him. He said something from the heart, and he won't hold back if you have communicated to him that you need him to be honest. He will expect the same from you because that is what a great relationship is founded on. Communication. You don't have to be afraid of holding back when you’re with him. 

#ask #anon #mod kait #matchup

[evelhak]

Old art #14: KnB OCs

Specifically the girls!

Because I just reblogged a post about how unappreciated female characters can be, and it made me mad. The second I started writing my massive KnB fic I was like oh lord does this story need more significant female characters. And my story is slice of life and about so much more than basketball, so there's no excuse for the lack of girls like "unfortunately that's just how it is" like Fujimaki said or something.

I'm not undermining the fact that Riko and Momoi especially are great characters, and I'm so happy for their existence, I'm just pointing out how obvious it was to me that as a fic writer I could do so much more! And that if I had found myself for some reason creating only male OCs for this project, the only reason I could think of for why that would happen is misogyny. (Not that the gender diversity in my fic is limited to male and female, I'm just trying to simplify things for the sake of an argument.)

Now that I'm thinking about this in the light of that other post that pointed out how people make excuses for why they don't have any favourite female characters or even female OCs, it occurred to me that had those people been writing this love story between the two main guys they probably would have used that as an excuse? Like, oh well, this story is just basically about them, so it's what it is. I mean, my story is about KagaKuro. Like 90%.

Somehow, that wasn't an issue.

Sorry for the rant. I'll introduce you to some of my girls now, whose pictures I've posted before, but I'll tell a little bit more about them this time.

Meet Mitsuhara Tomie! She came along early, and isn't getting out of this. She's a theatre nerd, a playwright, and an actress whose drama club causes fun times for Seirin's basketball club too. Her life collided with our main characters' because her friend had a crush on Kagami and was using Tomie as a reluctant messenger. Pretty obviously, no romance bloomed between her friend and Kagami, but as a side effect, Tomie became friends with Kuroko. She's gay, she's very intense and kinda socially anxious, she has very distinct life philosophies, and she has described herself as "the ball of hair the Cheshire Cat pukes". She's short, pear-shaped, very flexible and loves her big glasses. At one point, Kuroko describes her style of discussing controversial topics in her plays to be as subtle as Kagami's Meteor Jam, to which Kagami says it must be really to the point, then.

The reason she came into existence was because I felt like it would be nice if Kuroko had a friend who gets stories on a deep level, a non-basketball friend for a change, and especially a female friend who isn't forcing herself on him from left and right. Pretty soon Tomie bloomed into a character I would not know how to tell this story without anymore.

Next we have Kirigaya Azumi who is a joint effort between me and my ex. She is Rakuzan's manager during our main characters' second year, so she isn't very frequently involved in my main story, as she's much more significant to my still in-progress and unpublished Akashi centric fic. Momoi describes Azumi from her notes as follows:

"Kirigaya Azumi, age 17, height 166 cm, used to play small forward in middle school. Also has a background in traditional and street dance, plays the piano and koto, and is apparently an unbeatable archer. She lives at her family shrine, and is supposed to be the successor, which explains some of her wide repertoire of skills. She believes things are interesting as long as you haven’t achieved your personal best. Old money from her father’s side, new money from her mother’s. Her brother is a professional basketball player in the US. She secretly dyes her hair with a hint of reddish purple, and gets away with it, because everyone believes it to be natural. She’s childhood friends with Mibuchi Reo. I assume that’s related to how she became the manager, although I haven’t got the details on that, and there’s a gap in my knowledge of her motives too. She’s not the usual manager type."

Basically, the idea behind Azumi's character was a big fuck you to people who call female characters Mary Sues for simply being on par with a male character. So, in this world of ridiculous guys we needed more ridiculous girls, and especially on the occasion that one might turn out to catch Akashi's interest in several ways, she would have to be in his league. We had seen so many takes on Akashi's OC girlfriend who was shy or poor or otherwise exactly the type of character to buy into the whole "school prince" narrative, which obviously isn't wrong, but we didn't want that. We wanted someone who could be an obvious power couple with him. We felt he needed someone who would not trigger him into feeling like he needs to control things and take care of everything. We didn't feel like Akashi actually fits into the trope of "soft girl makes cold boy open up" because Akashi isn't really like that. We felt he needed someone more traditionally strong and independent, someone who can make him relax. Azumi has her own issues of course, but she's chill, confident and in the "feline club" so other characters tend to perceive her as someone not to be messed with.

Sato Mika is Seirin's manager during the main characters' third year, when Riko is in university but has still decided to go on as Seirin's coach, and she can no longer deny the need of a couple of extra hands. Thankfully, Mika is also someone to match her brain and becomes practically an assistant coach. She has a photographic memory, which turns out to be particularly handy in helping people develop faster because she can always point out the smallest differences in people's forms and movements off the top of her head. She is one half of Sato twins and her brother also joins the team. They are also both Finnish-Japanese and have lived most of their lives in Finland because my brain needed some Finns. They are both third years who transferred to Seirin because of some problems in their old school.

Here's a bit from Mika introducing herself in Seirin's group chat and her brother being as ass. (This is Kagami's phone, and he's just calling them Sato1 and Sato2 at this point.)

Sato2

Okay, I can start. :)

So, I’m the new manager, though it seems we’re still kinda working on my job description. My unnecessarily long nickname as a kid was “picture encyclopaedia”, but I’d totally prefer to be conceptualized as a search engine because I’m SO much faster than some physical book. Okay, I’ll stop before Aki says I’m bragging. Anyway, I’m not totally clueless about basketball, because I grew up with him, obviously. Hmm. So, we came from the dark cold north, and I think the best thing about Japan so far is the rice. I really love rice and it's so much better here. What else? I like Marvel and Nightwish.

So, nice to meet you. Please, ask me anything, and my brain will come up with a selection of visuals related to that thing.

Sato1

I was still gonna say you’re bragging. But then again, who would lift the cat’s tail if not the cat itself.

Anyway, I’m her brother, so hi. :D But I’d totally prefer to be conceptualized as a crispy waffle with mango ice cream and a bit of maple syrup, but not too much, and with a slice of carambola on top.

Sato2

That was so unnecessary, and you know it.

Sato1

I apologize. I know the carambola slice was way too much.

Mika is very introspective, fun-loving and has some issues with a fear of commitment, but what better place to work on that, than Seirin, right?

I have more female OCs, but these three are the most significant ones so far, except for Kuroko's grandmother who is an OC for all intents and purposes, because she isn't actually a character in canon. I haven't drawn her because the task seems very daunting. She is too much to capture with my drawing skills and there are still, even after writing a million word fic, so many things even I don't know about her.

Here are a couple of characters' opinions of her.

Momoi:

She seems to embody something ancient for me. Like she’s an old, good witch of a sort. Someone who knows all the secrets of womanhood, because how else could she look like that? How else could she look so at ease with herself?

Kagami:

She smiles that all-knowing, all-powerful, “you puny human are lucky I’m nice” kind of smile at me, so what the hell am I supposed to say?

Basically...

Go love your female characters! (And show them to me if you want.)

#repostober #knb oc #female characters #digital art #TOTverse #fan fiction

[thetearsofadove]

I honestly love writing and writing for other people, but after doing it for years and seeing just how rude people can be is really making me reconsider releasing my writing for other people.

I love fanfiction. I've been writing it for almost 10 years. Started when I was 12, I'm 21 and turning 22 in February. I've blossomed. Fanfiction, both reading and writing it, has helped me grow as an author.

So obviously I'm going to want to share it with people. But...my god, it's become a horrible experience every time I've tried.

First, the entitlement that I see from readers. Sometimes, even from fellow writers. I don't know what's worse; when a reader is being an entitled douche, or a fellow writer.

Stop clogging my inbox with "UPDATE!! UPDATE!!" or things along the lines of begging me to update. I have a life. I have animals to tend to, I have money to make, I have mental health to keep in line. I'll update when I get to it. And if I don't? Apologies. But don't make it worse by making me panic.

I was nice enough to release free shit for you. Show me respect.

Also, stop telling authors what to write. Stop dictating what they should be writing. They don't have to write for a specific audience if they don't want to.

I wrote for DBD at one point and stopped because one asshole spammed me saying "write for Adam!! Horrible author, won't write for Adam".

I was going to in the future, I only started writing a few of the characters so I could work my way up. But I gave up.

Go find a writer that suits your tastes instead of insulting and demanding a random ass author to do it for you. Or, better yet? Do it yourself. We cannot read your mind, we have no idea what you want.

Wattpad is one of the worst sites for this. As a writer? Fuck Wattpad. Some of its users are so immature and entitled, it's insane.

I also cannot stand how people treat authors/writers like we're just these emotionless writing machines. I've specifically stated I am not taking requests right now, it's on my profile, so why are y'all sending me requests after I've stated they make me anxious and make me feel pressured? I left my ask box open for questions, that's it. I'm urged to now close it.

Authors/fanfiction writers are writing stuff for YOU for free. I am more than happy to write. I write for fandoms I'm not too involved in. I educate myself about said fandoms and characters in those fandoms so I can write them the best I can. I do it for YOU. Stop treating me like I'm not a human behind the screen with a life.

Also the lack of manners drives me fucking INSANE. Say please and thank you. Show some appreciation instead of "write this 4 me kthanx". It feels horrible, and like I said above, I am not some emotionless AI that writes for you. I have feelings. I spend an hour at the least out of my day writing for YOU when I could be writing for myself, drawing, watching my favourite TV shows...whatever.

Like...in general, be nice. Be kind. You wanna request? Add a please and thank you. Don't pressure authors. Also, don't make authors feel like they're responsible for your moods. I've been guilt tripped with "write this bc I feel sad and if you won't, I'll be more sad and it'll be your fault :((" and it makes me feel horrible.

I gave up writing for people in the past because I am let down every. single. time. It's 2023, fanfiction has existed for a VERY long time, the fact that being kind, patient and understanding isn't common knowledge is mind boggling.

Also? Get to know me a little bit, ffs. I have emotions. I have interests. Don't use me for just my work. It feels awful when I post something rambling about an interest or asking a QUESTION and I end up being ignored. It's fucking horrible.

#this is a vent but you can rb if you relate to this #writing #fanfiction #x reader #i get a lil heated in here i'm sorry lol #do not reblog or reply w/ arguments because idgaf and you will be blocked #let me vent. let a writer vent #vent #tw vent #vent post #i'm just fed up ykwim #speaking up for the fellow authors #cause after nearly a decade of poor treatment i am Tired with a capital T

[not-poignant]

Hello, happy holidays!

I’ve been a quiet consumer of your works and I just wanted to thank you for being such a source of writing inspiration for me. Especially with regards to how you handle reader engagement.

I used to be really sensitive about every negative/not explicitly positive interaction regarding my story and ruminate for days about what I did wrong, but your attitude towards people not always being into your content has really helped me engage with mine in a healthier way.

Idk if that makes sense lol. Feel free to ignore this if it doesn’t. Happy holidays again!

Hi anon!

Hopefully my replying to asks in sometimes an extremely untimely manner has not made you too anxious, it's definitely a me thing, and not a you thing. (*Quietly kicks my email inbox under the rug*).

Honestly, I can understand being sensitive to these things! I think a lot of creators are like 'you have to develop a tough skin' and while it's nice if you can, some of us remain relatively thin-skinned until the end of time, so instead we just have to learn ways to deal with it otherwise. Negative things still get to me, but now I can actively remind myself that it often has nothing at all to do with me, when it comes to my writing, or that I don't deserve to be treated with disrespect, or to be made to feel like it's my fault that *they made the choice to read my writing.* (I've never made anyone read my writing - but I do like it when it happens!)

I think as well, when people like and don't like your stuff, you're doing something right. It means you're making something real. I love onions on a burger, will always ask for extra onions on a burger, and some people can't stand onions and will be like 'ONIONS ARE THE GROSSEST THINGS EVER' (and asshole twats will be like) 'HOW DARE YOU EVER EAT ANOTHER BURGER AGAIN WITH ONIONS BECAUSE I HATE THEM' and when you look at negative comments through the lens of my burger analogy, you realise just how much what these people say has nothing to do with the people who like onions on their burgers. They are screaming into the abyss. They forgot they could use their little legs to just walk into a different store lmao. They forget they can leave.

That's what blocking, deleting, or reminding people that they could at least be respectful is for. But yeah, ultimately, people just need to find the burgers they like, and stop expecting the whole world to cater to them. Especially when it comes to free fanfiction / labour.

Anyway so it does make sense. I can talk about this until the cows come home (obviously). I don't think you need to feel unaffected by this stuff when the negativity comes, as long as you can gently remember some perspective here. Whatever your favourite food is, some people hate it, and the responsibility of those people isn't to get you to change your favourite food, it's to go elsewhere. And if someone forgets they have that power, I am always happy to remind them. And a block/delete reminds people just as well as saying something, depending on the level of troll you're encountering.

(If it's just general polite negativity I generally still remind them that I didn't make them read a thing, and they are welcome to go elsewhere. Sometimes you need to remind people that the exit is exactly the same as they door they came in through, they just need to turn around and use it, lol. And if it's general polite negativity with a few positive comments, I'll just respond to the positive stuff and ignore the rest).

(Also caveat: Doing things actually wrong when it comes to representing marginalised identities is an entirely different kettle of fish, obviously this is something to listen to and take on board and reflect on. That's just a very different strata to the kind of engagement I'm talking about here, where someone gets weird because like... I didn't make a character pregnant, or because I didn't describe a back story the way they wanted me to and so on (that's why fanfiction exists! Folks should write some!))

Sometimes folks also just need to be reminded of - or taught - fanfiction and fandom etiquette. Not everyone knows it, and not everyone picks it up through osmosis. But ultimately...

I don't have an ultimately, I just had a Wednesday afternoon ramble hehe.

#asks and answers #pia on writing #pia on fanfiction #i can understand the rumination #you may find yourself still doing it even after you've actually dealt with the situation #or even though you know objectively that it's not your responsibility #to write something *everyone* will like #that's literally impossible and not the lane anyone needs to be in #the main thing is to recognise that feeling distressed #doesn't mean you must *act to appease* in response #distress can just mean you feel scared or worried #because you're still getting used to the idea that people can not like your stuff #and it can be okay #and for those of us who have been or are people pleasers #that takes a long time to undo #the main thing is you can go forth and create anything while dealing with these complex feelings #and you are so so so not alone anon #so many of us ruminate and worry about these things

[fishklok]

would it be annoying if I asked for advice? If so, ignore this ask

But like how do you make time for yourself while applying for law school? How do you have time to constantly make this amazing fanart and fics? Just asking bc I'm a college freshman and I'm losing it like I don't have time to do anything anymore!! Like shit man I just wanna draw mtl fanart and chill but literally college takes up 95% of my time. Good luck with law school btw and I apologize if this like asking TOO much

It's not annoying at all, happy to help :)

It helps that applying to law school hasn't really taken up that much of my time. At least when compared to when I was a full time employee/student. Writing my personal statements/essays did take some time, but not enough to prevent me from doing other shit too. When I actually start law school, I highly doubt I'll be able to post much of anything.

But when I was studying for the LSAT, I did have to carve out large chunks of my free time that I would normally use to write/draw to study instead. And just a few weeks ago, I took an entire day to apply to as many law schools as I could in 8 hours (pro tip: don't do that).

When it comes to taking time for myself, it really came down to recognizing my own mental needs and limits. I used to play a lot of video games, but gaming isn't really something my mind "needs" to decompress. I've been way too busy to touch any of my games, but it's really not a big deal. On the other hand, running is something I need to do. I could be absorbed into a drawing or a piece of writing or even cooking breakfast, but if that voice in my head goes "you need to go run now", I have to do it. When I'm unable to run, my mental health plummets. So that's something I can't remove from the list. And drawing/writing is somewhere between those two extremes. Drawing isn't really something I do to relax, so I can go a day or two without drawing anything. But writing is now part of my bedtime ritual. Even if it's just an extra 200-400 words, the day doesn't feel complete until I write. I can skip a day if I'm truly beaten down, but I try to avoid that.

I hope this all makes sense and sorry if this doesn't truly answer the question. I can try to put some more actionable advice together.

As I said, recognize your own needs and limits. If you're burnt out from school and writing/art will only make you feel worse, don't force it. Taking time for yourself doesn't have to involve production.

Inspiration/motivation comes in waves. I spent most of July and August barely able to finish little doodles and drawing felt like the biggest chore. Now, I'm past that hurdle and I can spend an entire free day drawing without feeling like I'm pushing myself.

I hate myself for giving this advice, but planners. I have ADHD so trust me, I hate the "get a day planner!" advice, but...it has really helped. It was more helpful pre-pandemic when I was physically going to class, but I would make a habit of writing down everything I have coming up so when I get anxious about deadlines, I can read my planner and know exactly how many days I have to do it. I usually used my planner for deadlines, but some people (my dad) will plan out their days by the hour. Right now, I mostly use my personal discord server where I'll jot down notes or things I have to remember. Whichever is helpful to you, but having a concrete thing that says "this is what you have to do and how much time you have to do it" can take a lot off my shoulders personally. Because if you have all these abstract deadlines and obligations clouding your mind it can be very easy to get overwhelmed. But if they're listed out, it's easier to go "okay, so the most pressing thing I have isn't due for a week and I'm already halfway done. I'm going to draw now."

To clarify, none of this day-planning stuff came naturally to me at all lol. It took over a decade of me missing real deadlines and panicking over nonexistent ones for me to finally develop a system. And even then I don't always stick to it as well as I should lol.

Sorry this got rambly and I worry I'm not being that helpful. But I hope at least some of my advice is useful.

[greywindys]

I'm completely neutral on the subject so I hope I don't come across as disagreeing with you or anything but why do you dislike TNN/P5? I've just noticed you've stated that a few times now so I wanna know the deets🤣

You definitely don't come across as disagreeable at all! I'm not offended by curiosity, or even respectful disagreement. So, feel free to disagree with me after this answer. I dislike TNN for a few reasons, some directly related to the phase, some simply for the state of fandom at the time, which isn't exactly TNN's fault, but it is what it is.

How it started - I distinctly remember Damon remarking that he felt bad that fans missed 2D on Humanz, which led to him recording TNN (or at least played a notable role in his decision). This was the first crack in my faith in the project. For all the hyping fans do about Jamon ~not caring what people think, and ~not caring about dumb popularity points like those other stupid artists, this was..unexpected. I'm probably projecting my own philosophy as a creator here, but it's incredibly difficult for me to imagine a scenario where I would change my plans because my audience wanted me to. My original vision, my creative process, is all important to me, even if people get annoyed or disagree with how I operate. More than anything, creating has to be fulfilling for me. I used to think Gorillaz was the same, and maybe they still are to some extent, but I didn't like the idea of Damon essentially creating an apology album.

The album was boring. Come at me! Lmao. But yeah. I've analyzed the fuck out of "Souk Eye," but I've only listened to it all the way through once. I would take another Humanz over TNN, musically.

Murdoc being the plot, but never in any art. People always complain about Murdoc "taking over the story." I agree to a point. P5 still sucked for me as a Murdoc fan because there was barely anything for me to gif or edit this phase. I would trade Murdoc in a support role for more Murdoc animation.

Murdoc being in jail the entire, Murdoc "dying." TNN took place during a time where Murdoc hate was at its peak. I wrote out of spite, but it was genuinely annoying to see people I was friends with being told they were terrible people/abusers etc for liking Murdoc. When he "died," even though it was obviously temporary, people only got harassed and mocked more. This may sound petty, but it was SO annoying.

The set up didn't lead anywhere. If I was going to suffer through so many unfunny memes and people obsessing over their hate for a fictional character, it could have at least ended with something. I was relieved and happy it didn't turn into a 2D possession story line, but the ending was so botched. I just wish it had been a different plot entirely.

But I can also say good things about TNN. It gave us 2D's journal, and "Souk Eye." Murdoc actually re-joined Gorillaz on my birthday that year - literally on the exact date (not that Jamon had any way of know or planning for that, but it was wild).

TNN came out when I wasn't expecting it. I had started writing The Answer at the end of Humanz with the hope that the I wouldn't make too many waves writing 2Doc with a less active fandom. Gorillaz always took long hiatuses, so this was what would happen this time, right? Lmao. Needless to say, it made me very anxious. I also had to adjust my plans chapter to chapter to stay up to date with TNN "lore." It again wasn't anything Gorillaz could control, nor was it their responsibility, but ngl, this did frazzle me at the time. In the end, I see it as a positive because it challenged me, and helped create a fandom experience that I would never exchange for anything. That story means a lot to some people (and me for that matter!), and I would also never want to take that away from them.

So, the final assessment is that my feelings are very mixed. I had fun in the little section of fandom I carved out for myself at the time, but everything around me I associate with chaos and volatility.

#asks. #Anonymous

[gg-selvish]

i saw your post and i realized that i definitely haven't left enough comments on your ao3 works for how much i enjoy them, so here. i wanted to let you know that you are one of my favorite, if not my all-time favorite, dream team writer. i love to read your nsfw works because they're hot and sexy, yes, but also? you have one of the best characterizations of the guys that i've seen, ESPECIALLY in nsfw works. i have had to almost immediately click off of so many fics because they just don't get the characters and their dynamics right imo, but your fics? i read them over and over. every single time i get an email that you've updated or posted a piece, i genuinely get so excited when i see that it's you.

your karl/george series is something that i will love forever and ever. i'm ace and i adore the way you portrayed karl and his sexuality in every one. it's so refreshing to find a good nsfw work that has a well written asexual character!!! i may not like knf as a ship very much, but i love them the way you write them so much.

there's so much i'm probably forgetting to say right now, but just know that i thoroughly love everything i've read from you. your works are amazing with and without the nsfw parts. please know that there are people out there (me) reading your fics for more than the smut. you deserve to know that.

<3

okay wow um this is a lot in a very good way but i'm definitely overwhelmed? normally when i get nice stuff like this i just say thank you but i've been in a chatty mood today so i'm going to turn this into A Thing if u dont mind... i really, really appreciate this. i've had a strange experience in this fandom where the whole time i've been here i've had a pretty even split of 'you're a delusional freak and i hope you die' and 'you're my favourite author please never stop posting' and my brain doesn't really know what to do about the black and white of it so normally i just move on and block it out but that's lead to me being incredibly insecure about myself and my work so i'm going to try really hard to process this and internalize it lol

so again, thank you so much for saying this to me. it really means a lot to me to hear that people like my fic because it takes up so much space in my brain and sometimes i get worried i'm only still getting any positive acknowledgement out of obligation and less so because what i'm doing is actually worth a compliment. i've felt really bad about my writing for a while now and it's nice to hear from someone who isn't my established friend that it's worth reading. and enjoyed too! wow thats crazy to me genuinely. i really do think im shit most days. especially my works of the last stretch.

regarding you (& only you) this is a lot easier for me to hear. i love that series so much and it makes my heart happy to know other ace people appreciate it and view it as positive representation because i'm asexual and always worry it reads as just porn. this comes into play with the comments thing again... me putting a lot of personal experience and deep thought into dynamics with no pay off. obviously i'm not saying every fic in that series is groundbreaking or even worth reading, but idk they each have a piece of importance to them. at least to me. i was just saying the other day that in my lapses of writers block i get anxious about the last thing i've posted being not my best work. in this current hiatus i'm in i'm actually quite content with EASE being the latest work in my recents. sure rules is unfinished but i kind of hate that fic so whatever. EASE is good. i love how that turned out and i'm proud of it and comfortable with that being the first thing people see on my profile

all insecurity and internal pressure aside i love writing for this fandom and hope i can do it for at least a little longer. i'm immeasurably grateful that people are willing to still read what i create, it makes creating it a little easier. i sound like a broken record but really thank you for this. it means more to me than you could know.

#genuinely getting teary over this #<- guy who doesn't take compliments well #ask

[rustyvolumedial3]

Munday: Behind the Curtain

May as well, right? Details and Frequently Asked Questions:

Designation: Tri, short for @triscribe

Personal Settings: Asexual and Agender

Pronouns: I honestly don't care, use whatever sounds appropriate in your own head x'D

Birthday: March 12th, over two and a half decades ago

Muses: ...currently? Currently. There's the three OC goofs on here (Volume and his cassettes Dial and Rustpaw), plus Cliffjumper and Sierra on my sideblog @cliffandthekid, and Starlane on @pathofstars (technically attached to my personal account but I 'follow' from here)

Interests: Creative endeavors in general, honestly. I dabble in a lot of different art crafts, rotate fandom hyperfixations every few weeks, sketch characters for all my different projects, write fan fiction, and work on my original stuff when I can find the right inspiration.

Non-interests: Smut ain't really my wheelhouse. Shipping is something I enjoy in abstract, but I've never been in an actual relationship myself and sometimes trying to write one is, awkward? Unfamiliar. Yeah. I tend to lean away from writing serious gore, especially when there are plenty of other emotionally impactful ways to get at that sweet hurt/comfort.

Now, certain inquiries I've gotten both on here and in real life:

Do you write for a living? I WISH. I do have one short novel self-published with a couple more being edited to follow, and LOTS of material in different genres to pull from if I ever get an actual literary agent, but for now I work an early morning job to pay my bills

How often are you online? Pretty much every day. Once I'm home from work, it's very rare I don't at least open my laptop to check for tumblr activity. I might not reply to something for a day or two depending on anything else going on, but I often scroll through my dashboard and lurk even when I'm not in a good headspace for rping

What's "Terratron"? *deep inhale* The BIGGEST piece of Transformers fan fiction I will EVER work on, and the damn thing isn't even posted anywhere yet. But it is in progress! Set in a TFPrime universe that continued on after the movie, bringing in characters from other continuities and establishing some detailed worldbuilding, Terratron is first and foremost a playground for my thirty-odd next generation OCs to have adventures in. Volume and his cohort, Starlane, Artemis Pax and Rion Bellum, Beats and Colorwheel and Jaywalker... someday I want sideblogs for all of them. Someday. When there's more art to go around.

A few final notes:

-I won't say I'm particularly anxious about reaching out to new people, but. Sometimes I try that and get ignored, or turned down, and the paranoia over stepping too far kicks in, which tends to dampen how much I do for a while. Anybody who pokes at me first is going to be ecstatically welcomed

-There's a lot of spontaneity when it comes to my posts and replies, but that's by no means a default. If you aren't sure where to take a thread after my addition, come say so! Always happy to do a little bit of advance planning

-THERE WILL OCCASIONALLY BE ART. Of my own muses, and sometimes those I'm interacting with. Not often, not regularly, but I do now and then get the urge to Attempt Robots and Cybertronian portraits are the usual result

Got any questions of your own? Come by and ask!

#behind the curtain #munday #imagery #/double thumbs up

[antpernas]

I want to make a journal entry about this guy I've been seeing to clear my head (and my heart hopefully lol) because I've just been so anxious in general lately and I'm hoping this will help!

The thing is, I have no idea where to start! I guess I'm just sad? Or hurt? I just keep going through the same thing over and over again and it's so disheartening. Like my heart literally aches over this stuff at this point! I'm so confused. I don't understand why people will express interest in you and form these "situationships" only to not pursue you. I value communication so much and it's so stressful to be kept in a limbo with someone *I* was looking to pursue something with.

I'm really tired of feeling like I put in more effort! But then when I've made up my mind and I'm ready to start distancing myself (because who am I to keep pursuing someone who I feel is indifferent??) I feel bad to change the dynamic of the relationship from what it's been. And then I start doubting my certainty of cutting it off/putting in that distance, and I feel paranoid for basing the "decision" on the small things I have been... but they add up! I'm just so tired. And this is maybe the 5th time this happens with a guy I really like.

I don't want to believe it's my fault, and that I'm pursuing relationships in a healthy way. That I'm taking the right steps to set the right expectations between myself and another person. But when I'm the common denominator, I feel delusional to try and convince myself it *isn't* my fault.

And now I'm concerned that the next time I do see this guy, he'll make a move and I'm not even sure I want to pursue anything further with him. I feel dumb to be so happy about the scraps of attention I do get. I don't want somebody to change who they naturally are just to satisfy me, and if I'm not happy with our dynamic before we start dating, why would I be happy with it once we do start? But then, I feel like I'm just anxious from reading too much into it, and that I might be robbing myself of a good thing.

It's something I want to talk through, but I feel crazy thinking to bring it up with him, especially considering that lack of intention I feel from him.

Just to clear my head of it, and because I would feel like a fucking psychopath to say these to him directly, I wanna list out the things that make me feel like he's not interested

Every time we've hung out for the past few weeks has been at my request. This Sunday was the first time in a while he initiated and asked to hang out first, but it was to join him in plans he'd already made with other friends. I don't mean that in a "I need to have him for myself to be satisfied" kind of way, but in a "he's still indifferent as to whether he sees me or not" kind of way.

He texted first the other day, which was nice, but I asked him how his day was and he didn't say anything. He acknowledged a different part of the text, and then the convo moved on. It gives me the feeling he doesn't really have that strong an urge to talk to me.

I invited him to come to Go club with me, and he said yes, and then he didn't show up the day of :( I didn't text to confirm he was coming because I wanted to see if he would reach out first, but he didn't. He asked me how it went after the fact and didn't acknowledge the fact he didn't come

I asked him what our relationship was, and he just didn't respond. It was right as I was leaving, so I just told him he didn't have to answer (which is true! I didn't want to pressure him) and I left.

I feel like he doesn't really appreciate the memes I send him... This one's kind of weird because it's very sporadic. Sometimes he'll look at them, sometimes he won't? I don't know :(

He calls me "bestie" when we text... which isn't that big a deal, but also it's a deliberate choice to use that instead of something more affectionate?

After sitting and writing this down, the only way I could see us still pursuing something is if I'm totally misunderstanding his signals and he actually does want me but didn't want to be overbearing... But knowing how it's usually gone for me I doubt that's the case. One of those. "if he wanted to, he would" type situations. But sitting and writing this out did help me frame this in my mind at least. And accept it. Sigh.

Anyway, my internship ends soon and I'm back to Miami right afterwards. I'm hoping to start up all my routines again and really start growing this year, especially since I'm starting upper-division electives and start research :D The paper I'm writing for this internship is also super cool and I'm so excited to have it finished! Despite the stress of life and love at the moment, I'm actually really hopeful for where things are going.

#mydiary #things

[thinkingsofthings]

Closing Doors pt1

Hi Leta, I've decided to start putting names in this blog because my memory isn't so good and from reading older posts I'm not sure who I'm referring to in some posts (which is kind of scary and embarrassing) though I know I'll never forget that I'm writing about you in this post. Before I get started I can't believe it's been six years since I've last posted here! Kind of crazy that my emotions felt in check enough that I didn't feel the need to write anything and boy was it cringy reading some of my old posts but at the same time it also helped me know that I would be able to get through this situation. A lot has happened in the past 6 years and despite not posting it here I've experienced deep feelings ranging from loneliness, love, lust, completeness, anxiety, stress, happiness, annoyance, frustration, and so much more. I'm glad-ish to be back here though I wish it were under better circumstances. Also reading through my old posts, I can't believe I wrote ~6 posts about Alisa, what a wild learning experience and time to be alive. I wish I wrote some posts while we were together to remember all the great times so this blog wouldn't be just the sad/tougher times of my life.

I knew this day would come, that you were way more likely to move on before I was. Ironically Kyle quoting 'Don't be sad about what you lost, but be grateful for what you had' about something totally irrelevant to us is the attitude I'm trying to best adopt. I've mostly used this blog to vent and as a way to release any negative emotions or thoughts so just the fact that I didn't post anything about you during the past 3 years shows how healthy of a relationship we had/have. I know I'm supposed to be remembering why we broke up as a way to help me move on emotionally but my emotions are overriding my ability to remember the reasons or to consider them valid. The only reason I can think of right now is that I know you're not looking for a long term partner so even if we got back together we eventually would most likely break up again. Despite knowing that, if you were to move to Vegas today or decide to join my climbing circuit tour I would 100% date you again at this moment. You are my safe space, my home, and there's no one else that I feel more comfortable being my self around. You are probably the only person who I feel like has truly accepted me as a whole despite my flaws. I always appreciated that you never tried to change me, but you cared so much about wanting the best for me and encouraging me to live up to my potential so I could have even more happiness. When we first started dating and I found out you were a personality type 1 I was super nervous that you would hold me to an impossibly high standard and we'd have a toxic relationship like I did with my college ex. Instead you saw positive attributes in me that I didn't see in myself and always lifted me up. After my last relationship I thought I was incapable of being in a healthy relationship because I was too selfish and unworthy. In reality I was probably too scared to jump into something again and if it weren't for you pushing us to try something together I would have missed out on 3 wonderful years of growth, love, and making core memories together. I've told you this before but after Alisa I became an anxious/avoidant mess and you built me up to be secure again and made me a better person. Even when things rarely weren't perfect and I was annoyed at the pace of how you lived life or felt like I wasn't getting enough attention, it still felt so natural and at home being with you.

I think I'm really struggling to let go because I really don't want us to become strangers again. It's hard for me to even remember a time in Chicago that we weren't close and you've brought me the most joy out of anyone/thing over the past 6 years. I'm really holding onto this quote that 10.5 years ago that I blogged was BS but I really want to believe that this will hold true with you

“Well, I think that when you have a connection with someone it never really goes away you know, you snap back to being important to each other because you still are” -Alex Vaus

Most of me is ready to transition into being back to platonic friendship with you but even through a good chunk of our friendship I had a crush on you. I believe that we're not going to be faking any sort of friendship and whatever our relationship develops into next will be genuine. It's going to be hard for me emotionally, but I really do want to transition into being legitimate good friends and think that's possible over time.

All this to say that I'm starting to move on, but not moved on enough to fully close the door. At this point if you wanted to jump back into limbo I would agree to do so in a heartbeat even though I know that's not the best option. The door is closing, but as of today there's still a crack and even when it is closed I'll leave it unlocked.