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poemnic-tarot · 10 months

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Intuitive Channeled Messages For You

1-2-3

4-5-6

(Disclaimer : This is a general reading please only take what resonated. For entertainment purposes only)

These are short messages I channeled without card, just intuitively. Please let me know what you think, I’d love to know!.

( Art designed on Canva )

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 1 🧸

"You begin to get what life is all about. Every incidents, now you realised, was not a coincidence.It was meticulously planned for you to get here. Where you are today. Every road lead you here where you can see it all from an objective point of view. And you get it, you finally got it. You would not be confused no more, you trust the universe unconditionally. You will go where they lead you. There are fears of course and doubts and hesitation, but they would never stop you from vibrating in a high frequency, a vibration of love and compassion.

You used to be scare, all the time. Scare of life, of people in it, of all your choices, was it the right choice?, did i made the wrong one?.Why is everyone against me, why is the world against me?. Now you realised, it was just all karmic, it was designed specifically for you. So you could learn your lesson and move up. Ascend and become who you are today. Wise, at peace and more trusting than ever. Trusting of life, situation and most importantly, yourself and your choices. What you went through got you here today and you will be forever grateful. To the Divine,to yourself and your soul, for leading you home finally.

Poem: Sorrow To Joy by @cant-find-my-name

This big transition came through

A revelation

Firstly, we changed our beliefs

Reevaluate our wants and our needs

What makes us happy?

Who values we are following

Who we are without the things we do

Strip away all the unnecessary

Let go of pointless worries

To truly turn joyful

First, we shifted our energy

In this new me, being joyful

Is very easy

Song : Coming Back For You by Fireboy DML

Well I pray that the universe Gives you way more than you deserve When the tears fall like shooting stars Remember who you are Just look up to the sky you'll see

Well I pray that the universe Gives you way more than you deserve When the tears fall like shooting stars Remember who you are Just look up to the sky you'll see I'm coming back for you

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 2🛍️

“I can still recall what happened vividly. The memories would never leave me. In a way, it shaped who I am. I identified with what I went through. All of it, the good and the not so good. I appreciates all the good times, all the good people. I wish them well and I know they would do the same for me. I am on a new journey. Honestly, I have no idea where I am going, where am I headed to?.It seem not that important to find out, I figure I'll just start step by step into the unknown. I’m willing to, in a way, I was waiting for this moment. Hoping for it in fact.

It seem I had shaded my old skin. Despited remembering everything that happened. I want to changed. I want to rebuild, I want to become something else. It not because I hated my old self or anything, in fact. It's the opposite. I love my old self very much, but I think it’s just time. Time for me to discover a new side of me that’s different. That the world have never seen before. I am excited, nervous but not scare at all. Which I'm thankful for, I want it to be a fun journey, learning about myself, who will I become. I love every versions of me, the old and I'm already sure that I will also love the new. I guess it's my new purpose in life, get to know thyself again and I'm looking forward to meet me.

Poem : Shooting Stars by @cant-find-my-name

My eyes Shined

They reflected the distance light

I’ve never pray so hard in my life

Wishing for a living dream

Wishing to know

What does all the pain mean?

Trying to find the reason

The universe put me here

And I can’t -

Find the reason

Even as stars shimmered

And shoot down

It is me that has been earth bound,

I can’t go back

I can’t go home

The limit is getting too loud

Going aimless

Wandering about

Maybe it is time for me to discover

Reach deep within me to know

How far did I come from?

And how far can I go?

Song: I'm Still Here by John Rzeznik (Treasure Planet)

I am a question to the world Not an answer to be heard Or a moment that's held in your arms And what do you think you'd ever say? I won't listen anyway, you don't know me And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand? I'm a boy, no, I'm a man You can't take me and throw me away And how can you learn what's never shown? Yeah, you stand here on your own They don't know me 'cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real Wanna touch things I don't feel Wanna hold on and feel I belong

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 3🍑

“It's the people that loved you for who you are that helped you made it. They were a voice telling you not to give up, even when you wanted to. Even when there was no more reasons to go on, you think of the people who loved you. And in a way, their love for you saved you, when your own love wasn’t enough.

But you are still not out of the wood yet, but you're not scare of it no more. You are not scare to be alone anymore. People are your strength and there's experiences of that, but they are also your weakness. The world is more complicated and more than one dimensional and frankly, it's giving you a headache. You just want to live a simple life, a minimalist, no complication, alone in a forest surrounded by nature. You want your wood to turn into a forest. And build a cozy cottage to refuge there when the real world is too much. But most of your life, it's a graveyard of regret and it's full of shadows that you rather ignore. However, no more of that you finally decided. You pray for life to get better, for yourself to get better and in a way, you did not see a way out of it alive.

But in those darkness, you saw light and that light has led you to where the sun shined through. You can see better days," the monsters turned out to be just tree". There are better days, healthier ways to live. And in a way, you want to find that out for yourself. There are alway balance in life, you must remember one thing. When there's darkness, there is also light. When you encounter one the other will also find you. When you experienced one side, don't be scare to face the other. That is how you learn, that you will alway be okay.

Poem: Invisible Force by @cant-find-my-name

Something is choking me

The invisible force

Stronger than what's real

Maybe the scariest thing

Are what we're all thinking

Not necessary the truth

Or what happened

But what could have been,

It's scary to see

What isn't there

The affect is real

But the enemy aren't here

Song: This is me trying by Taylor Swift

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that Pulled the car off the road to the lookout Could've followed my fears all the way down And maybe I don't quite know what to say But I'm here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know That this is me trying I just wanted you to know That this is me trying

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 4🍇

"Peace will find you, no need to seek it. It's there for you to tap into it, anytime, anyplace. No need to acquired more to get it. The misconception that you need this or that in order to feel whole. It a misconception, you only need one thing child. And that is yourself. If you have yourself, all of you, the dark and light part of you, the side you loved and admired and the side that make you look away. All parts of you deserve recognition. They are you and yours alone, so we got to honour them. Every part of you love you and want your attention and want you to acknowledge them. Let us finally do that. Let us look into the mirror and see ourselves finally.

We are a pure soul, there is nothing wrong with us, no matter what people implied. We are not broken, we are whole. Your soul is intact, it is there for you to go back and connect to it. Your soul is waiting for you to answer its calling. You heard it but you ignore it because life get in the way, but, if you're trying to find that fulfilment. That feeling of, aww there it is the thing I'm look for?, as annoying as it is, it is that part of you that you wouldn't dare look at.

Poem: Surrendering by @cant-find-my-name

Surrendering my sorrows

Surrendering to my flaws

If there is no Perfection

I would be perfect

Nitpicking my visions

Aiming for the best

Left behind a broken body

And an anxiety ridden mind,

Right path don't do that

Peace is not a compromise

Tis a birth right

Just like how everyone will die,

Getting my soul back

Revived my forgotten joy

Everyday supposed to be precious

Not wishing for it to stop

Song : Back To Beautiful by Sofia Carson

They say You're not good enough, you're not brave enough You should cover up your body Tell me, watch my weight Gotta paint my face Or else no one's gonna want me

Why do we say this to ourselves? And even worse to each other? Why do we say this to ourselves? Ooh

We gotta, get back to beautiful Gotta, get back to beautiful All these words, starting wars Over who can hurt who more Gotta, get back to beautiful

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 5🍰

"Something is changing, you can feel it. More internally rather than externally. But it's changing all the same. But you're not scare or excited. You are just neutral about it. But there is that part of you that goes, Finally. Because lately, nothing evokes your interest.The desires you had once feel ill fitted. When you realised that nothing really matter, not in a depressing way, but more of a freeing way, You accepted that as truth. You are not satisfied in life, yes, but seeking more things will not do either. You don't want more per say, but there's something missing that you don't know how to put into words. The missing piece might not be tangible, might just be intangible things that you can't hold onto. Which way should you headed towards when your inner compass is kind of confused.

Forward is the way, you will never be lost, as long as you keep moving forwards and not stop. We will not rush either. When we are in a confusing state, we must take our time and experienced our moment fully so that there won't be a lapse in our memory. Memory is a tricky thing, if you think too far into the future or the past as you experiencing the present, then your present becomes filled with memories from the future or the past. So the present moment will never exist. Be careful of letting moments passed you by, it is alright to not know why you are feeling this way. It is alright to be confused or sad or even unsatisfied. It is alright to be in that state in your present because whatever you are feeling at the moment, the present will eventually become a past.”

Poem: Renewal by @cant-find-my-name

There is hope in this world

In words that you said,

Even though it's a lie

You tell yourself it'll be okay

Maybe not now

Definitely not right now

But hopefully someday

You begin to notice the yellow

In dandelions,

How it shine like gold

In certain light.

Now you finally see

The colourful sky

How many shades of it

Changed with time.

How every poem you write

Begins to rhyme

And you know there's a reason for all this

Every little bit of it

So whatever happened

Do not resist

For you shall learn to embrace it

Song : Take A Chance by Flume

So you feel all your powers unfold

Stretching our big wings while the white is turning gold So tell your story baby, don't give up, just let it all go out You're quiet wishing for something now

Will you be the one to take a chance? Have demands, spill your heart Will you be the one to take a stand Make the girls dance Spill your thoughts Will you be the one to take a chance? Have demands, spill your heart Will you be the one to take a stand Make the girls dance Spill your thoughts, will you?

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

Pile 6🌙

"The unlimited possibility you seek is there for you to tapped into. Your believed is everything, so be careful what or who you believe in. Miracles exist, just look into a mirror and witness one. Look into your own eyes and wondered who that soul is. For it is you, but there so much you don't know about yourself, yet. Instead of feeling bad about that, we should feel excited. For it is a privilege to know thyself. Know your limit and your unlimited possibilities. How many grains of sand on the beach, that is how much your potentials lies. What you can achieved in life is up to how much you are opened to recieved.

My dear, you are magnificent, I wish you can see yourself through my eyes. How you hold on to life, wise beyond your years. Give it everything you got, no matter what that is, is such a human trait even gods envied. Every difficulties you go through know that those got nothing on your willpower to get through them. You are a strong little human, whose hope is bigger then the universe.You believe in the better, better days, better life, better energy for this earth. And your hope/light is what is keeping this planet alive. Keep believing in your power, because you are powerful. And loved by many.

Poem: Home Coming by @cant-find-my-name

My Divine Mother gentle touch

She taught me so much

By being nurtured we grow

By being loved we thrive

By being connected

We become part of the Divine

I know you look at yourself

And see a scare child

Darling, that's quite alright

Cause you are protected, alway

All the flaws should be

Embraced

There's no need for harsh judgment

Gentleness to ourselves is what

We should aim for

Realise what's important

Now look at yourself one more time

And see the true core

Song: Hummingbird by Metro Boomin & James Blake

Hummingbird, summer sun, has it brought my life back? Hangin' in the balance, have you brought the light back? And how long's the night shift? She's sure I get away with Realizin' she might be all I need in this life

When I saw a cold snap, I wasn't with the season Attack was on the airport and outside there was a season In here paper walls are pushing back on you like Eventually you push through, the moment that you realize

And hummingbird, I know that's our time (That's our time) But stay on, stay on, stay on with me And hummingbird, I can never unsee What you've shown me, stay on, stay on with me

🍰 🌸 🍬 💫 🍉 You Are Loved 🍉 💫 🍬 🌸 🍰

🍑Thank you for reading! I would love to know what you think. See you soon!!!🧿

🍏Check out more of my Original Poetry at @cant-find-my-name or my IG Poemnic

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seraphiism · 1 year

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hiii ms kay!!! congratulations on your milestone!! you deserve it so much :) may i request "dreamscape event: dusk + ☁️ gojo + bellflower" for your event? thank u so much and best of luck in school!

𓆩 ღ 𓆪 𝐁𝐄𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐃 𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐓𝐘

( yes, i need you, my fairytale. )

chara : gojo satoru fandom : jujutsu kaisen quote cr : quote by vladimir nabokov a/n : hello friend !! thank you so much <3 i appreciate you and your kindness! the luck is very much needed!

・❥・[ dreamscape event ] ༊*·˚ ⌛fluff • ☁️ gojo • 💐 bellflower : everlasting love

gojo satoru doesn't really believe in fate. there are too many abstracts in this world, too many musings, too many-- well, whatever-- the point is that he finds no purpose in dwelling on things that exist as mere concept and not reality, because what's the use? in a life full of burdens and ongoing loss, there is no safety in slowing down and contemplating the woes in sentiment.

-- is what he would say, naturally, about love, because what does he know of it? maybe he has loved before, and he has, of course he has-- but the people he loved are long gone and turned into something born from his own faults. he has loved before, but he doesn't say it; the words turn to a rust that lines his throat, reminds him of a past unforgotten.

he loves now and it's a different kind of love with you : hopeful, light, and maybe a forever kind of love he doesn't think he wants yet desire so-- because in a shitty world where happiness is a stranger, maybe he wants this silly typical happy ending, after all.

it's just a thought at first, fleeting, then gone. but it grows so quietly with time, creeping into his life, and it is almost painful because he believes it could be possible.

he runs his hands through his hair, sighs a little louder than intended. there's a glint in the corner of his eye, a brief reflection of the gentle sun on the cool metal that rests on your finger. you pause, head tilting instinctively in question.

"i'm almost done, satoru." your hands gingerly peel the clementines. "that hungry?"

he stills, nearly forgets every heavy thought that has weighed on his mind by the knowing of such kindness. he approaches with a grin, rests his hands on your waist.

"hungry for y--"

you shove a slice in his mouth, roll your eyes despite the quiet laughter that escapes you. you are more than used to his nonsense, days gone by filled with joyful banter that shines a light in dark days.

"too sour." he mumbles, brows narrowed in dramatic discontentment. "have anything sweeter?"

"oh?" you grab another slice, unable to hold back the smile that blooms on your lips as you feed him again. "better?"

he shakes his head. another slice, then one more.

"too bitter this time. you don't taste it? are you getting sick on me?" there's genuine concern in his voice, a rare expression of worry surfacing in bright blues. "here--"

you think to respond, tell him that it tastes fine, but he presses his lips against yours, overwhelms your senses with a sweetness that lingers for longer than either of you expect. the moment he pulls away, you stare at him with utmost bewilderment before your countenance turns into something of embarrassment and false annoyance.

"you're so fucking embarrassing, satoru."

he hums, content, wraps his arms around your frame as he kisses you on the lips, on the cheek, on the nose-- you laugh, unable to pull away from his grasp, and he knows that this is true happiness.

( no, gojo satoru doesn't quite believe in fate, but he knows that there is something between you two in forevermore, and he knows it will be a love lasting. )

#jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #gojo x reader #gojo satoru x reader #.: writing #.: event!fic.dream of me 🌿

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babymetaldoll · 1 year

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Baby, I'm yours - Chapter four: "One love, one house (no shirt, no blouse)"

Summary: Reader and Spencer visit his mother and talk about their relationship. The team is not ready to go back to work after Prentiss' death, but they'll have to do it anyway.

Word count: 8,4K

Warnings: Just a lot of fluff and Spencer overthinking everything.

A/N: Hey guys! Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you are enjoying this sequel, 'cos I'm already planning the third and final part of this trilogy.

Series Masterlist | General Masterlist | Prequel’s Masterlist

Previous chapter | Next chapter

(Y/N)'s point of view

I always loved visiting Diana. Not just 'cos Spencer got incredibly happy to see his mom, but because I enjoyed our time with her. She was an XV-century literature teacher, of course, it was incredibly interesting talking with her. We could ramble about books for hours. But I always let them alone for a while, so they could have their private conversations. That was my plan that day after we landed and got settled in the hotel. Spencer had confirmed the visit with his mom and the facility, so they were expecting us after lunch.

- "Do you think she is gonna be happy when we tell her?"- I held Spencer's hand as we stepped inside the main hall of the asylum and walked straight to reception.

- "Of course, she will, why?"

- "'Cos, well, she loves you so much. I don't want her to think I am stealing her son."

Honestly, I don't know where that insecurity came from, but my comment was an honest reflection of my fear. Spencer smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist as we walked.

- "Don't think that. She already loves you like a daughter, she is gonna be thrilled with the news."

Spencer smiled and, for a moment, I was hypnotized by his big chocolate eyes, staring at me as if I were a princess or a goddess. Spencer would always look at me like that whenever he felt honestly and utterly happy Until a nurse greeted us and we turned to stare at her, blushing.

- "Doctor Reid, Miss (Y/L/N), Diana has been expecting you."- she announced and Spencer held my hand tight. I don't know if he was afraid I might run the other way or if he needed reassurance that I was, in fact, standing next to him. Whatever the reason was, I squeezed his hand and smiled when he turned to look at me.

We walked to the backyard, apparently, Diana was outside enjoying the afternoon sun. I imagined how those visits would be in a few years. If Spencer and I ever got married and had children, they would run and hug their nana the second we entered the facility. And Spencer would follow them to make sure they didn't get into trouble. That was a scene that warmed my heart and gave me butterflies in my stomach. I wondered if Spencer pictured a future with me as well.

- "Spencer! (Y/N)!"- Diana saw us and raised her arms from her chair. Her son quickly leaned and hugged her as I waited my turn to say hello.

- "Hi mom. Sorry we are late, the flight was delayed"

- "I've told you, those apparatus are a coffin with wings"- she argued immediately and I chuckled, thinking about the first time I met her and how scared she was of flying.

- "(Y/N)! What a delight!"

- "Hey Diana! I'm so glad we finally made it. I'm sorry it took us so long to visit, things have been... busy."

Spencer and I had agreed not to tell her mother about Prentiss. It was an unnecessary pain we didn't want to put her through, she would get worried knowing Spencer was sad, and for once, we wanted to focus on the good part of life.

- "We got you this"- Spencer opened his satchel and gave her mother the Henry Bradshaw book we found in an old bookstore that he remembered her mother reading for him when he was a kid. Diana's eyes lit up when she opened it and started reading it right away.

Her health was much better than the first time I saw her. In the last few trips, we have seen her more joyful, even independent. Apparently, the doctor had found the pills that worked, and even Diana was glad of the result.

- "So mom, (Y/N) and I have some news to share with you"-Spencer smiled and held my hand- "(Y/N) and I started dating"

- "Yes darling, I know. You've been dating for years, that's not breaking news. If you are here to tell me you set a date, that would be news"- Diana didn't even take her eyes from the book to dismiss Spencer's announcement. It broke my heart in a way. I thought she would be happy to know I was dating her son.

- "No, mom. We were friends until a few weeks ago. We weren't dating before"

- "Come on! I know you think I'm crazy, but how can you expect me to believe that? You two have been in love since the first time I met her at your work! Are you seriously telling me you just started dating? Please, Spencer!"

- "Actually Diane, that's exactly what happened. We were in love the entire time, but neither of us said anything for all these years."- I whispered, embarrassed, and cut her a smile- "I was too scared I'd ruin our friendship if I confessed my feelings, 'cos I was sure he didn't feel the same and apparently, that's how Spencer felt as well"

Mrs. Reid looked at us from her book, raising an eyebrow. I swear I could feel her judging me for my choices, and at the same time trying to read if I was lying. Profiling a profiler, that's never a good idea.

- "Are you trying to tell me the government hired two dimwits like you and let them protect the country?"- Spencer's face went pale, not knowing how to answer that. He still held my hand and turned to look at me, completely out of words.

- "In fact... yes?"- I smiled innocently and prayed for a good reaction.

- "Oh god, kids. All these years wasted? I am ready to be a grandmother already!"- Diana chuckled and shook her head- "But, at least it happened and I am glad you are finally together. I've always considered you family, (Y/N). And I know you have taken care of my son all these years."

- "Thank you, Diana. He has taken care of me as well"- I felt Spencer caressing my hand as I spoke and turned to him smiling for a second.- "Now, what do you say I leave you two for a while and I pick you up for dinner at six?"- I said as I stood up.- "I am sorry but I really need a nap and a hot shower after that flight."

Diana stood up suddenly, and awkwardly, but sweetly wrapped her arms around me. It took me by surprise, but I welcomed her and even felt her kiss my cheek.

- "Thank you for loving my boy"

- "No, thank you for raising him to be my perfect match"- she chuckled and wiped off some tears from her eyes.

- "Now please get married and give me lots of grandchildren"

Spencer's point of view

After I walked (Y/N) back to the car, I joined my mother for a chess game in her room. She caught me up with all her medical stories in the facility, and how great she had been feeling in the last few months. I told her all about how (Y/N) and I ended up dating, the horrible weeks I spent thinking she was dating James, and how even our unit chief was trying to hook us up. She laughed and continued telling me she couldn't believe (Y/N) and I had been just friends for so long, considering even she knew we were in love ever since day one.

- "What can I tell you, mom? Your son is kinda blind when it comes to women"

- "Well, now you know your mother is not blind. I noticed she loved you since the first time you introduced us. She has always looked at you like you are the only person in the whole world."- I blushed and looked down at my hands for a moment.

- "Thank you for your support. (Y/N) was very worried you wouldn't approve."

- "Why wouldn't I? She is amazing, smart, funny and she loves you. What else can I ask for?"- I shrugged and mom stood up.

- "I've always imagined when this time would come"- she said as she went through a drawer, taking out a small jewelry box- "I remember my grandma wearing this ring. She always looked so elegant and refined. She gave it to me before she passed and I never found a moment in my life to wear it. Please, I want (Y/N) to have it."

I widened my eyes as I stared at my mom handing me a three-stone diamond ring I never knew she had. She was right, she never wore it, I would have remembered a ring that big.

- "Mom... it's beautiful. (Y/N) is gonna... I don't think I've ever seen her wearing a ring like this before."

- "I'm sure she'll love it. You have to tell me everything about the moment you give her this ring."- I frowned and held the jewel between my fingers. I had never had a diamond in my hand before.

- "You are not going to give it to her yourself? Mom, if it was your grandma's, she would love to hear the entire story."

- "Spencer, it's an engagement ring!"- mom looked at me as if I couldn't comprehend the words she was saying. Which was, in fact, true. I didn't. I couldn't even speak after she delivered that line. Mom was giving me an engagement ring to give to (Y/N). That was fast. Way too fast, scary, and completely out of place. (Y/N) would never accept a marriage proposal after three weeks of dating. It was insane.

- "I can hear the interlock of your brain overthinking, Spencer"- mom smiled and sat again. She moved her rook on the board. I couldn't focus on the game, of course, not after the bomb mom had just dropped.

- "What makes you think she is gonna say yes?"- I whispered after a few minutes of deep silence.

- "A mother knows. We are animals, we feel things. Besides, she is a smart woman. She loves you, and you have been together for some years now. I know you say you weren't a couple before, but you have been best friends, and that is also very important in a relationship."

I opened my mouth to argue with her words, but nothing came from my lips. I was mesmerized, staring at the ring, and trying to picture (Y/N) wearing it. I was making my best to imagine the moment I gave her a ring like that, it had to be special, magical. Worthy of her. How could I propose? I never imagined that part before.

Yes, I had fantasized about a future with her, but never with the "Would you marry me?" moment. Never. Somehow it felt awkward to even think about it at the minute.

- "Spencer? Are you listening?"- mom waved her hand in front of my eyes and took me from my thoughts.

- "Sorry, I just..."

- "You were lost in your fears"

- "Not just fears. I just never imagined this moment before. I can picture a future with her, it's what I want the most. But I never thought I would have the chance to take this step."

- "My boy."- I felt her hand on my cheek as she smiled, staring into my eyes for a moment, the same way she did when I was a kid and woke up scared after a nightmare- "You don't have to imagine or know everything before you live it. Life has to surprise you from time to time, and you have to let your imagination go wild! Be a romantic!"

- "I am a romantic!"- I argued and mom chuckled.

- "Of course you are, Ace. So use all that emotion and intuition from your romantic side and forget for a moment about your rational fears. Do you wanna marry (Y/N)?"

- "Yes."

- "And do you wanna wait?"

- "No!"- mom smiled as her hand tapped on my cheek.

- "See? Just stop overanalyzing everything and be happy!"- I chuckled at mom's words and held her hand for a moment.

- "Thank you, mom. Really"

- "Come here and hug your mother, I just saved you a fortune with the ring!"- she laughed at her own words as I stood up and wrapped my arms around her. Having her there at that moment, and knowing she hadn't been as healthy as she was that day was priceless for me.

And so Frank's premonition was right. I was gonna propose to (Y/N). When? How? I still had no idea.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "Do we have to do this?"- I whined as we parked outside the FBI Training Academy in Quantico. We were there because Seaver had invited us all to her graduation. She was officially an agent, and I knew Hotch had offered her a job with us. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, ergo I didn't want to be there. But Spencer held my hand, and the present we had gotten Ashley and walked me inside the main building.

- "Yes, we do. Ashley is going to be an official team member and you should- start getting along with her."

- "But I don't like her."

- "I know that, everybody knows that. But it's the right thing to do and you know it as well."- I sighed and pouted, but Spencer didn't stop walking. As soon as we entered the central hall, Penelope waved at us. She was with Morgan and Hotch. It was the first time we had seen them since that day at Rossi's after the funeral. And it was weird.

It felt as if Prentiss was going to show up any minute, excusing herself for being late, holding a cup of coffee, and telling a crazy story about how she went salsa dancing the night before and completely forgot about this event.

- "Hey lovebirds! How was your trip?"- Garcia smiled and hugged us - "Did you have fun in Las Vegas, munchkin?"

- "Yeah, it was a great trip!"- I answered and enjoyed my friend's hug.

- "What did Mrs. Reid say when you gave her the news?"- Morgan asked.

- "She didn't believe us 'cos she always thought we were already dating"- my boyfriend whispered and played with my hand between his, as our teammates stared at us, chuckling.

- "It's gonna start!"- Rossi showed up all of a sudden and clapped, clearly more excited than any of us. - "I saved you all good seats."

- "And you were the one who said we spend way too much time together"- I joked and Rossi smiled.

- "Right now it feels like it's not enough, ragazza."

And that hurt. 'Cos papa pasta was right, after what happened to Prentiss, every moment we spent together felt special. Or at least I wanted to make it special. I didn't want to waste time, I wanted to live my life and enjoy the little things. Those people sitting next to me were my family.

The next Monday we were back on duty. I wasn't ready at all, but after a long talk with Spencer, we agreed working might help us keep our minds busy from being depressed. Also, I knew our work helped us save lives, and that always made me feel better.

But I wasn't ready to walk back into the BAU and find Prentiss' picture hanging on the wall, with all the other fallen agents. That was a low blow. Spencer walked straight back to the bullpen, but I noticed Penelope staring at the wall, so I walked over to say hello. That's when I saw it, Emily's face staring back at me.

- "This is not right"- I whispered and Garcia simply sighed- "She was way more pretty in person."

- "She was the most gorgeous woman on earth"- Penelope answered with a sad huckle- "I miss her so much."

- "Me too."

- "I took Sergio in, that baby needed a new home."

- "Emily's cat? How are you doing with him?"

- "He is a sweetheart, he loves cuddles and so far, he hates Kevin."- I smiled and rested my head on Penelope's shoulder for a bit, as we continued staring at Emily's picture.

- "Girls, you gotta stop staring at her. Prentiss wouldn't want us to sulk. You know that."- Morgan's voice nearly made us jump.

- "I'm not sulking."- Garcia argued and I rubbed my hand on her back, cutting Morgan a short smile.

- "I'm gonna put an eye on Spencer"- I excused myself and walked away slowly. If I was affected by staring at Emily's picture, I didn't want to know how my boyfriend was dealing with her empty desk.

Honestly, it was more painful than I thought. Walking in, knowing I would never see my friend again, sitting with coffee, and a juicy story of her weekend, sometimes maybe still a little hungover.

Pen had baked some cupcakes to share with Ashley, and celebrate her graduation. We ate them and drank some coffee in the meeting room before our daily briefing. It was definitely awkward, but we all did our best not to mention Prentiss, the pink elephant in the room, and just focused on talking about what we did on our week off. Morgan spent his time remodeling a new house, Pen and Sergio got to know each other and she completely "catificated" her apartment with some of her boyfriend's help.

- "Congratulations, agent Seaver."- Hotch walked in suddenly, followed by Rossi. Spencers held my arm and guided me to a chair. I turned to him and cut him a short smile as I sat down by his side.

- "Thank you."

- "Who made the cupcakes?"- David asked as he grabbed one and took a bite of it.

- "I did."- Pen answered with a proud smile.

- "Thank you all for coming to my graduation. It meant a lot."- Seaver cut me a short smile and I nodded. Yes, that was me trying to be nice.

- "Let's get started."- Hotch indicated as the rest of the team sat down and we all stopped eating to grab our case files.

- "Ok, we're going to Portland, Oregon, and it's not for a dead moon concert."- Penelope started presenting our current case- "So, Jay Johnson, a DJ, was cutting through an alley on his way home after leaving a club when he was bludgeoned by a pipe and then stabbed 31 times. His watch, his cell, and his computer were stolen. That was 2 days ago. Now, early this morning, Karen Heywood, a 30-year-old nurse. She died during a home invasion. She was stabbed 40 times, but first, she was bludgeoned with weapons of opportunity."

- "Eight different ones, to be exact."- I read out loud and raised an eyebrow.

- "That's too many weapons for one person."- Rossi added as I nodded in agreement.

- "There was a left- and a right-handed kill according to the M. E. Report."

- "Yeah, but 8 different weapons."- Rossi insisted, a little shocked.

- "So we're looking for a group."- Morgan added.

- "Yeah, it seems that way. And the left-handed wounds were deeper than the right."- Hotch pointed out from the forensic file.

- "Maybe a woman was involved?"- Spencer asked and I nearly gasped, turning to him.

- "How dare you, Reid? It might have also been a very weak man!"- I argued and he cut me the sweetest smile I had seen that day. It melted my heart in a second.

- "Sorry."

- "Anything taken from the house?"- Hotch's voice took me back to the case and forced me to focus on the files.

- "According to a neighbor, just some random stuff. A computer, some jewelry, a framed picture of a lily."- Pen listed and Morgan added

- "And pawnable items. What do we have, kill crooks? "

- "Sounds like a musical."- I smiled at Rossi's comment and continued reading my case file.

- "Similar victim, young professionals kill three miles apart."- Hotch said and sighed.

- "Is there a gang situation in Portland?"- Ashley asked and Spencer shook his head immediately.

- "Minimal. This seems more like desperate people in need of quick cash."

- "Why kill them if it's just for the money?"- she asked again, and this time Aaron replied.

- "That's what we have to find out. And we've got eight hours till nightfall. Let's go."

And just like that, we were back on the field making our best to carry out an investigation and find the killers before they strike again. During the plane trip, I sat next to Spencer and helped him with the geographical profile. But once we landed in Portland, Hotch thought it would be fun to pair me with Morgan and sent us to the supermarket where the victim had been last seen. And Spencer was paired with Ashley. Just them, alone. I took a deep breath and nodded. I couldn't argue, we were on a case and Hotch was our unit chief.

- "You are not gonna kill Seaver later when we get to the station?"- Morgan asked and I chuckled as he drove us to the supermarket.

- "Nope, why? Did you have a plan to stop me?"

- "That's good to hear, I didn't really have a plan actually"

- "Do you want a cupcake?"- I opened my backpack and opened a plastic container.

- "Where did you get those? Pen made them for Seaver."

- "She saved some for her, but she gave me a few for the trip."- I smiled at my friend and licked part of the frosting. He grabbed one and chuckled.

- "I'm glad, princess."

- "That I have sugar?"

- "No, that you are giving Seaver a chance"

- "Well, it's no fault her dad killed my aunt. And yes, her attitude at the beginning pushed me and Spencer to face our feelings, so..."- I shrugged and sighed, slightly defeated by reality- "Besides, we are not really in the mood for fighting. I am so done with that. I just want some peace after everything that happened."

Morgan placed his hand on mine and squeezed it for a second. I turned to him and saw a million emotions going down his face. All at once: sadness, anger, gratitude. But he didn't say a thing, and I didn't push him either. I just smiled and told him to slow down or we were gonna get a ticket for speeding.

Spencer's point of view

I could still see (Y/N)'s smile as she said goodbye earlier that day. I waved and watched her get in the SUV with Morgan. She held my hand for a second and wished me a good day. I promised I would text her later and she said she couldn't wait.

- "Spencer, we are here"- Seaver announced and I parked our car outside a club. I wasn't nervous about being paired with Sesaver, I knew (Y/N) was making her best to get along with her, and she trusted me.

- "So Mr. Johnson exits the nightclub through the back door to get to his car."- I said, trying to focus on the case as we walked through a short street at one side of the club, trying to find anything that might tell us more about what happened there.

- "Maybe one unsub can watch from over there and the other from back there"- Ashley said and pointed to both ends of the street.

- "Then when he gets here, another unsub hits him with a pipe and it's game on."- I conclude and start thinking how many men attacked Johnson in the middle of the night and no one saw a thing.

- "Look at the vials, Reid. This is a drug corridor."- she pointed out, and suddenly I remembered the Dilaudid bottle I still had back home. I had to get rid of that thing before I had a moment of weakness. I didn't trust myself at all with that thing around.

- "That would explain why there's so much kill. Maybe they were on something."- I said and looked at Ashley, who was trying her best to be professional on her first official day of work.

- "On the jet, I did some research into the club. A year ago, someone O.D.'D inside. Since then, new management clamped down on the partying."

- "Which means the unsubs most likely fit into this area."

- "Well, if you can't party inside, then you come out here. They're probably all the same age."- somehow, just thinking about drugs was upsetting.

- "Yeah, mid-twenties."

I had forgotten, I was a junkie in his mid-twenties, struggling to stay sober. But I couldn't think of that at that minute, I had to focus on the case and stop whoever was killing all those people.

- "Thank you for coming to my graduation"- Seaver said as I drove us back to the police station- "It really meant a lot to me."

- "We were glad to be there"- I answered and kept my eyes on the road.

- "How have you been holding on?"- she asked, out of the blue. No one had mentioned Emily the entire day, though we were all thinking about her the entire time.

- "Ok, I guess"- I replied, though I didn't want to talk much about the subject.

- "I'm sure having your girlfriend with you was very comforting these days. I mean, you both knew Prentiss very well, and I am sure you could... count on each other."

- "Yes, we do"- Seaver nodded and looked outside her window in silence for a moment. I thought she wasn't going to ask any more personal questions, but I was wrong.

- "So, are you living together already?"

- "No, we usually alternate apartments."

- "Why don't you pick one and live together?"

- "I don't know, we haven't talked about it yet."- I didn't feel comfortable speaking with Seaver about the subject.

- "And would you like to move in with her?"- I didn't want to answer, but I didn't really know how to get out of that conversation. And honestly, if I was planning to propose to her soon, shouldn't we move in together as well?

- "Yeah, I would"- I merely answered, and luckily, her phone rang and Hotch updated us with the facts of the case. It wasn't good, apparently, the unsub was a drug addict hallucinating. He was young, using, and out of control. It all pointed out that he might be a psychotic schizophrenic and to be honest, that was a second reality blow. I could be like that. During one's mid-twenty was when schizophrenia's symptoms would first appear. It had happened to my mother and I still wasn't in the clear.

That was my biggest fear, sharing her disease, her fate. Losing touch with reality now that for the first time in my life, it was a sweet one, with an even sweeter future. I hadn't even considered the idea but, what if I passed the disease to my kids, my babies with (Y/N). I would ruin their lives and hers. She would hate me, Jesus! I would hate myself for it! And the worst was knowing there was nothing I could do about it, 'cos so far, no doctor had found any sign of schizophrenia in me.

- "Honey? Are you listening?"- I turned to look at (Y/N), who was staring at me, standing outside the car- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah, sorry, I was deep in thought."

- "I kinda figured, Seaver got out of the car ten minutes ago. Why are you still here?"

- "The unsub is hallucinating."

- "Yes"

- "He seems paranoid, on drugs and he is hurting people"- she nodded again as I kept staring at my hands, still holding the wheel.

- "What's happening in that gorgeous head of yours, honey?"

- "Nothing, I'm just trying to focus."

- "I saved you a cupcake"- she whispered and opened the car's door- "Come on, you need a cup of tea and something to eat."- and of course, I followed her. How could I resist such an invitation? But my head didn't stop working and overanalyzing every fact from the case. I couldn't stop seeing myself in that unsub.

That night I got to share my room with Morgan, which wasn't that bad. We talked about random things, none of us wanted to talk much about the case or Prentiss. So we both kept it casual. Of course, he tried to tease me with (Y/N) for a while, but I didn't say a word. That was until she knocked on our door in her pajamas, holding a cup of herbal tea.

- "Hotch is testing my strength right now!"- she argued and walked in - "Seaver has been on the phone with her mother for forty freaking minutes, telling her everything she did today. Everything!"

Morgan laughed as I wrapped an arm around my girlfriend, sitting next to her on my bed. She rested her head on my shoulder and sighed.

- "And what were you guys doing?"

- "I was about to tell Reid we should watch some tv before bed."

- "And I was going to decline that offer 'cos I still haven't finished my book today"- (Y/N) smiled at me and kissed the top of my nose.

- "But you finished the other three you have in our bag, I'm sure. Give your head a break honey. Let's watch a movie with Morgan and then I'll go to my room, hoping Seaver is done talking about everything she did today."

- "Someone should tell her she can't share any case-related information with people outside the team."- Morgan suggested, but (Y/N) simply shook her head and smiled.

- "No me my friend, I am not getting into more trouble because of her. Hotch is already done with our fights and I don't want her to tell him I am being mean again."

- "You don't have to be mean, ma cherie."

- "I know, but it kinda comes easy when I talk to her"- my girlfriend pouted and I smiled. Sometimes all I needed was to have her by my side to ease my mind for a little while.

Of course, that night wasn't easy. After we watched a very bad comedy on tv, (Y/N) went back to her room and Morgan turned off his light. I tried to read for a while, but I couldn't. Instead, I wrote a very short letter to my mom and then rolled in bed until four in the morning. Morgan's snoring didn't make it easier, and I missed (Y/N)'s body by my side, keeping me sane. I knew she was two doors down the hall, but that didn't make me feel any better. I needed her next to me, the warmth of her body, the smell of her hair. The peace that knowing I had her in my arms gave me every night had no comparison. She was all I needed to be happy, and trying to sleep alone in that cold bed was just proof of that very fact.

Morning found me already weary. I took a shower and followed Morgan downstairs to the lobby. (Y/N) was already there, holding two cups of fresh coffee.

- "How was your night?"- she whispered and kissed my lips sweetly.

- "I missed you."- my answer was honest, I didn't even try to hide my feelings.

- "I missed you too, Batsy. Now drink your coffee, you look like you need five of these."- I held her hand for a second and took in her smile, trying to record it in my brain in case anything happened. Now I knew things could go wrong, and thought I had to make an effort not to think about it, I couldn't act blind all the time.

- "Ok lovers! We get it, you are in love! Now let's get to work, I wanna catch this son of a bitch today!"- Morgan walked by our side and on his way out of the hotel. (Y/N) chuckled and kissed my cheek one more time and winked at me.

- "Hold onto that until tonight, Batsy."

That was a long day, and it didn't get much better. We started with a new murder, and all the signs kept leading us to a paranoid schizophrenic. My brain wasn't helping that day either. I just couldn't see something I was sure we were missing from the profile. I heard the team deliver all the information to the police, and all I could hear them saying kept scarring and upsetting me.

- "We believe our unsub is a white male paranoid schizophrenic who suffers from hallucinations. Since schizophrenic breaks usually occur in your early twenties, we believe he's around this age and that he lives nearby. We think this unsub is hypervigilant, and in this condition, he's unable to travel very far from his home."

Hotch's words made me frown. Could I turn into that? Was that my destiny? All those headaches I had developed before (Y/N) and I started dating, were they a sign?

- "He kills at night and is extremely violent. During the day, he's most likely a loner. Someone in this state probably can't keep a job. We believe something happened to our unsub in his childhood. Childhood voices are telling him to kill, or he's misinterpreting them as doing so."

Rossi added, and I started fidgeting with my fingers as I sat in silence at the back, not able to add anything to the presentation.

- "Our unsub has probably been coping until now, but a recent stressor brought him back to that childhood incident and is causing him to act out."- I heard (Y/N) add my mind took me back to my childhood, my mother struggling with her illness and not taking her medication as she was supposed to. I could never put my kids in that kind of situation. My kids. Would I ever be able to hold a baby of my own in my arms? Not if I was on the verge of showing schizophrenic

- "Our unsub spends his days wandering, trying to fight the desire to kill, yet he feels trapped by his hallucinations. No matter what he does or tries to do, the hallucination's power is greater than his own."

- "Because of his limited social circle as a child, it is our belief that the incident involved close friends or family. Now, once we figure out what happened when he was a kid and the stressor that recently triggered a relapse, we'll be that much closer to narrowing down the killer's identity."- (Y/N) finished talking and Hotch turned to me, waiting for my thoughts and knowledge.

- "Reid?"

- "We need you all to start searching in this area."- I slowly stood up and handed one of the detectives the map I had been working on.- "Based on previous kills, we know that he strikes at night and will not retreat until we find him."

I knew I had failed to hide my worries, Hotch noticed it, clearly, (Y/N) did as well, and when Morgan walked to me in the men's room as I washed my face, I knew he had as well.

- "You know, that profile kind of makes it sound like schizophrenia leads to serial killing."- I whispered as I dried my face with some paper towels.

- "That's not what we said at all, Reid."- Morgan walked over and stood next to me, as I turned and sat on the edge of the sink.

- "You know, my mom has schizophrenia. There are many different types: catatonic, disorganized... just because someone suffers from the inability to organize their thoughts or they can't bathe or dress themselves, it doesn't mean they'd stab someone in the chest 30 times postmortem."

Old me would have kept all that info for himself, but I was done with lies and secrets between friends. For once, I wanted to tell people how I felt. And I was scared, confused, and mostly, frustrated.

- "Reid, what's really going on?"

- "Our unsub's hallucinations aren't fractured like a typical schizophrenic. They're vivid and clear, leading me to believe that we're missing an important variable. Rather than making crazy conjectures, I think we should be trying to figure out what it is."

- "Ok, listen to me. I know this is a scary age for you. It's when schizophrenic breaks happen. Have you talked to anybody about this?"- I felt his hand on my shoulder, trying to contain me or support me. I kept my eyes down on my feet as I whispered.

- "No."

- "Have you seen a doctor?"

- "They all say I'm fine."

- "Then why don't you believe them?"

- "Because predicting one's chances of developing a genetic condition is like finding a penny in an ocean. I've had terrible headaches. I can't sleep at night. I can't focus on our cases. I only read 5 books last week."

- "Come on, kid, you gotta cut yourself some slack. You and (Y/N) just started dating, no one expects you to sleep at all."- Morgan chuckled and I cut him a short smile- "Besides, you're also depressed about Prentiss, and I get it... we all are. Reid, I miss her every day. But if your mind was splitting, do you really think you'd be able to figure out that this team is missing a variable?"

- "I'm just speculating that we are. I need to prove it."- I mumbled, clearly still frustrated.

- "Ok, then you do that. The moment you are wandering around the streets aimlessly, that's when I'll be concerned about you. Besides, your girlfriend would never let anything bad ever happen to you."- I smiled at those words as if (Y/N) could prevent a disease from attacking my brain.- "Come on, pretty boy. Let's get to work."

Of course, (Y/N) knew something was off with me. She looked at me as I walked into the room and cut me a short smile. I returned the grin and tried to reassure her I was ok. Sure, I wasn't, but I had to pretend. For work's sake at least.

- "I made you a tea"- she whispered and handed me a cup while Rossi busied himself reading some files and Hotch walked over, talking on the phone with García.

- "Thank you, ma cherie."

- "Do you need help with your geographic profile?"

- "I think I got something, actually"- I held her hand underneath the table for a moment and she gave it a little squeeze. I wanted to whisper something, but Hotch hung up the phone and I quickly turned to him, ready to finally contribute to the case.

- "You know, at the grocery store where Karen Heywood was shopping the night she was murdered, the clerk said the unsub was buying water and a lot of salt."

- "Saltwater could be used to torture his victim."- Rossi said, but I shook my head immediately.

- "Well, there's no evidence of that."- Morgan said and Ashley added

- "It could also be used to remove the victim's blood from clothing."

- "Think about this, though. The visions that schizophrenics have can be interpreted as demons. What do some people do when they think they have demons inside of them?"- I asked the group.

- "They could get an exorcism."- (Y/N) answered- "Sounds extreme, but this guy seems to be desperate"

- "Holy water is used in exorcisms."- Rossi added.

- "What about the salt?"- Seaver asked, and (Y/N) explained briefly

- "Salt is used in exorcisms and a variety of religious healings. Also in spells and wicca rituals. Now what we should do is see how many churches we can find in his comfort zone"

- "Three"- I replied and pointed at the map.

- "All right, let's see if any of them keep their doors open late."- Hotch commanded and we all stood up. At least working kept my mind busy and helped me stop overthinking, at least for a while.

(Y/N)'s point of view

It was clear something was wrong with Spencer. Schizophrenia was always a sensitive subject for him, for obvious reasons. And if the unsub was around our age, I was sure he was relating to him more than he should. Spencer wasn't schizophrenic, he hadn't presented any symptoms so far, and I knew he wouldn't. But he was worried all the time. It hunted him, like a nightmare he could never wake up from. I had always tried to ease his mind, and tell him it was all going to be ok, but under the already hard circumstances we were in, my boyfriend couldn't escape the dark thoughts.

And what was worse, I couldn't be with him that day. As soon as we reached the police station we were informed there had been another murder and Hotch asked Spencer and Morgan to go to the crime scene.

And there I was, at the police station with Seaver, talking. Yes, me, talking with her, trying to be friendly. She asked me to review the case file again, in case we were missing anything and I helped her. Hotch looked at us from the other side of the table and nodded. Of course, he was happy I was giving her a chance, and I was happy he wasn't scolding me again.

Spencer and Morgan arrived with the news: the unsub couldn't sleep, that was the missing variable. And that was all Garcia needed to give us a name and an address.

- "I looked at that list of schizophrenics that have been recently arrested in that 40-mile radius. I cross-checked it with ones that have gone to local pharmacies to get schizophrenia medication like thorazine or prolixin."- Penelope announced through the speaker. Spencer sat by my side and held my hand underneath the table, just as he had done the day before. I suppressed the smile and tried to focus.

- "Any of them have prescriptions filled for sleeping medication as well?"- Hotch asked and his voice took me back to reality.

- "Yes, one. Ben Foster. He has a prescription for thorazine and ambien."

- "What's his background, baby girl?"

- "He moved to Portland 3 years ago. A month ago he was in an apartment fire, after which he got a sleeping pill medication because his insomnia began again. When he was 10, he was questioned during an investigation about a fire that killed three people."

- "It could be part of the homicidal triad."

- "I'm looking at the police report right now. It turns out that two months before, his mom had a local minister perform an exorcism on him, and the three people who were killed in the fire helped perform that exorcism."

- "There it is! The exorcism!"- I pointed out, excited it had been true- "Pen, was he charged?"

- "No munchkin. He was acquitted in juvie court."

- "You got an address?"- Hotch closed the file case, looking rather impatient.

- "Uh, 2627 Halden way."

- "Let's go!"

- "Is your vest well adjusted?"- Spencer asked the second we got out of the SUV outside the address. I nodded and he still double-checked.

- "I'm ok honey. Nothing bad is gonna happen to me"- I whispered, taking a look around, making sure no one was paying attention to us.

- "Of course not, I am here and I'm gonna protect you no matter what."

- "Reid, you and (Y/L/N) take the side, Morgan and Seaver, the back. Rossi, come on"- Hotch commanded and in a second I had my gun in my hands and I was ready to catch our unsub. A part of me felt pity for him, he was sick, and he probably wasn't a bad person, but life had taken the best of him.

- "He is out back!"- we heard Morgan yell and the entire team started running out to the street.

I followed Spencer down the sidewalk, looking around us at any movement. The police and the rest of the team were near, trying to get eyes on Ben. But nothing. For eight minutes we got absolutely nothing. No one had seen the unsub running.

- "Hotch, we lost him"- Morgan announced through the radio. It was most likely that he had gotten into one of the houses to hide. And I knew we couldn't knock on every door in the neighborhood.

- "I think we've got something at 2218."- Hotch announced and I followed him along with Spencer to the back door.

- "Make his stop, please."- I heard Ben's voice arguing in the living room, and a little girl replied.

- "There's no one there."- my blood boiled when I realized he had two kids as hostages.

- "They're right there!"- the unsub yelled, and that's when Hotch, Spencer, and I walked into the room.

- "Ben, drop the knife."- our Unit Chief commanded. I kept my gun pointed at the unsub's face, as he grabbed the kids and pointed a knife at their necks.

- "Ben, we're not gonna shoot you, but we do need you to put down that knife, ok?"- I asked in the nicest tone of voice possible. When you are in a situation that includes kids, you have to make all you can to keep them from any traumatizing outcome.

- "All right, where are the other people in this room, Ben?"- Spencer asked slowly

- "Right there. You see him?"- the unsub pointed just where Reid was standing.

- "Right here?"- he asked and Ben nodded- "Were they there for the exorcism?"

- "I didn't kill them, though. I didn't do it! And I'm not lying!"

- "Ben, they're dead and they can't hurt you anymore."- I tried to explain, but I knew he wasn't going to understand that. He was increasingly more and more nervous.

- "They can!"

- "No, Ben. Your mind is playing tricks on you. Once you get help, it'll all stop."- Morgan said, also pointing a gun to his face.

- "Yes, you are!"- Ben argued with the imaginary people- "Yeah, ok. All right, I killed you. I set the fire!

- "Ben, listen to us. It's ok. We're gonna get you a doctor's help. I promise you that."- I tried to soothe him 'cos he was losing control, but he shook his head and tightened his grip on the kids.

- "No. The... The only way that you can help me is if you do it... If you kill me."

- "Ben, that's not true. Listen, the only way we can help you is if you put that knife down"- Spencer said as he put his gun back into his holster and raised his hands, trying to look unthreatening. I didn't hesitate, I unlocked my gun and kept it pointed at Ben as he spoke.

- "Are you sure that'll work?"

- "Oh, I'm absolutely sure of it."- Spencer replied.

- "Ok."- Ben released the kids and they ran out of the room with Seaver, that's when Ben grabbed his knife tight and ran to Spencer. But before he had taken two steps closer to him, I pulled the trigger and shoot him right in the leg.

- "We need an ambulance."- Hotch announced via radio, as Morgan kicked the knife away from Ben's hand.

- "Thanks"- Spencer whispered and walked towards me. I cut him a short smile and he held my hand.

- "I've got your back, honey. Always."- I whispered and wrapped an arm around him. I knew I was never going to hesitate, I would always pull the trigger if it meant his safety.

- "Are you ok?"- he asked and rubbed his hands kindly against my arms as we watched the paramedics take Ben outside the house straight to the ambulance.

- "Yeah, I'm ok. You?"- he just nodded and sighed. I knew something was bothering him, something his head couldn't stop overanalyzing, but he wasn't going to tell me about it, at least not yet.

- "Ready to go home?"- I asked him and he just nodded again- "I feel like cooking tonight, we deserve a nice good homemade dinner."

- "Marry me"- he said, blushing and I chuckled.

- "I'm guessing you liked the idea of me cooking then!"

- "That and you just saved my life."

- "You'd have done the same for me, honey bunny."

- "Hey, Reids! Come on! Time to go home!"- Morgan called us and we made our way out of the house.

Later that night, after a long trip and a nice dinner, Spencer and I laid on his couch, curled around each other, enjoying each other's company. He ran his fingers through my hair from time to time as I sighed in contentment, pleased to feel his scent around me as I rested my head on his chest and heard the sweet beat of his heart.

- "Do you like it here, ma cherie?"

- "I like anywhere where I can be with you, batsy."- I replied and he hummed, pleased with my answer, I guessed.

- "But, do you like my apartment?"

- "It's nice, it's so much like you, sometimes it feels like being inside your brain. I could definitely live here"- he hummed again and after a few minutes, he moved on the couch until he was looking straight into my eyes. I moved a few locks of hair from my face and he smiled, kissing the top of my nose.

- "And would you like to?"

- "What?"

- "Would you like to live here? With me?"

For a second, I didn't believe my ears. Had he actually said what I heard him say? Did he want to live with me? For real?

- "Wh... what?"

- "It doesn't have to be here, we can find somewhere new, or I can go to your apartment. I don't care where, I just... wanna live with you. I don't ever wanna wake up away from you anymore."

- "Wh... where is this coming from?"

- "My... heart?"- he answered and hesitated for a second.- "If you think it's too soon, we don't have to do it, I can wait. I just... wanna live with you."

- "I wanna live with you too"- I blurted out and sat on the couch, his body following mine in a second.

- "You do?!"- he questioned, not believing my answer- "You don't think it's too soon?"

- "I don't care if it's too soon! I wanna move in with you!"- Spencer hugged me and his lips found mine in a matter of seconds. I kissed him feverishly and felt his hands tangle on my hair as his tongue partnered my lips.

- "I love you"

- "Me more"

- "No ma cherié, no one loves anyone as much as I love you"

- "Then I'm glad we are gonna move in together, so I can prove you wrong!"

Next chapter

Taglist:

General tag list

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @all-tings-diego @muffin-cup @cynbx @meowiemari

Spencer Tag list @calm-and-doctor @lovejules888

DIWK Taglist @tvandfanfic @shilohpug @eternalharry @fandomtrash2405 @eyakoroleva @nani-2305 @padsfirewhisky

BIY tag list

@miaxx03

#criminal minds #Spencer Reid #Spencer Reid fanfic #fanfiction #babymetaldoll writes #Spencer Reid x fem!reader #Criminal Minds fanfiction #Matthew Gray Gubler #MGG #fluff #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid x you

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kiwiwinjindouche · 2 months

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hi again! i was reading your ocs ask post and you mention kirin/corvo a lot, so i was wondering what your take on their relationship is - how it started & what your headcanons are! full longpost mode if you want to >:) very curious /positive

*cracking fingers* you shouldn't have done that >:3 (it means 'thank you for letting me rant about them too')

(read the fanfic!! :D everything's explained there! /hj /crying)

I ship them. A lot. A very lot.

Corvo has never really heard about Kirin before (why would has he?), so he's only relying on rumors. After hearing both sides, and considering the chance he gave to Anton 15 years ago, he decided to give that same chance to Kirin. Maybe, they could figure out something and start to work together, on less deadly projects. It was worth the try, because Corvo is fully aware of his genius.

As for Kirin, in my headcanons, he's heard about Corvo his. Whole. Life. When he was young, his brother couldn't stop talking about him. I mean, Corvo must be a legend in Karnaca, right? among the kids. That young lad, who won the Blade Verbana, and then became Royal Protector??? Everyone knows about him.

I like to think, when Kirin was at the Academy, that he saw Corvo! but like, for a couple of minutes, from afar. Corvo and Jessamine went there once to see how things were going, to see the prodigies of the Academy. Then, well, DH1 events, I think lots of people talked about it too, and that it was on the newspaper. At least the main events, like the murder of the Empress, Corvo escaping Coldridge? how young Emily came back on the throne. (And maybe Delilah talked about them too at some point? to warn the Coup Crew).

So yeah, Kirin was a bit excited to finally see the Royal Protector in his mansion, he would be able to witness his strength and see how close (or not) the rumors are to reality. Excited and curious, in fact. (I know I'm overreading/overanalyzing things, but I do think his tone is more joyful and sarcastic when talking to Corvo, compared to the more menacing one sometimes with Emily) (still obsessed with his "Perhaps you've lost a step with age my dear Corvo")

(also I always find it funny how he's like "you have your father's eyes >:3" like how do you know lmao, was it thanks to the wanted posters from 15 years ago? did you try to come up with something no matter how stupid it might be?)

Okay well, Royal Protector is in his mansion, time to have some fun! oh wait no, not this way, oh gosh he's already in the bedroom, not he's... well, you found me! let yourself be killed already no don't come i mean yes but no he's oh well he's here now and so close and so strong he managed to destroy a few soldiers on his way too, geez, he really is impressive. And how curious of him to suggest a partnership. Kirin accepted the offer, it was that or the electroshock machine so better this than losing his mind (Corvo keeps telling him he had a choice, but Kirin isn't fully convinced on this).

What helped too is, I don't think Kirin had a very good relationship with Breanna or Luca. He also has a letter where he states he doesn't really care about who's on the throne and's got nothing against the Kaldwin line (cf "An Unfinished Letter on Legacy").

Still nothing new but on the Wale, he stumbled upon Alex and was a bit surprised - oh, she was hiding here - and they slept in the same room. Of course Meagan wasn't happy with this, but she wanted to trust Corvo. She was trusting Corvo way more than she was actually trusting Kirin.

And that's how things started between them. As days passed by, Corvo was trying to gain Kirin's trust. They started to talk about anything and everything, at night, when they were alone together, and Kirin would open up more to him, little by little. Because, as much as he loves to talk about himself, I don't think this is about his very personal life.

Kirin was a bit reluctant at first. He knows Corvo's doing all this because he wants his trust (and genius), and not really because he's interested... right? but then it seemed Corvo was, in fact, interested.

When I first worked on all this, I was like 'maybe they could kiss before Corvo goes back to Dunwall?' but not anymore, because it was too short for them to really bond that much and such, so now it's a bit later! (I keep thinking about their first kiss every night and I'm not kidding, it's been a month maybe and not a single day passes by without me thinking about this someone helps)

In my headcanons, Kirin is aroace, and so very confused about his feelings. Everything feels so strange and new, what's happening to him?? what is he supposed to do with that? He doesn't like it. He doesn't like having feelings. It feels weak and pathetic. He's interested by Corvo, that is true, but calling it love? it seemed a bit too much, for a time. (Saying "I love you" to him used to be even more difficult too.)

As for Corvo, he's a lot confused as well, because he likes him, maybe? I mean, learning more about him was nice. "You're more human than I thought." And he missed their little conversations at night. So then, what exactly?

Still, they decide to give it a chance. They have nothing to lose, it seems. Maybe. Do they?

(And that's why Marisol will definitely talk about Adrian and Corvo with Kirin when they meet again, on how Adrian would have exploded if he saw his little brother dating his idol.)

If you want another fun fact/headcanon, Corvo loves to listen to Kirin playing violin and piano.

#idk if you'd like more information?#but thanks again omg ;; <33333 #dishonored 2 #dagyne_rambles #next thing i need to think about is how to add some drama to it lmao /hj

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nayialovecat · 1 year

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I have new shipping obsession :D

Yep. These are Sozo and Helob from Cult of the Lamb. Looking through the pictures related to the Cult of the Lamb, I found a few that make a pair from these two. At first I thought: yuck, it makes no sense. But then I started to wonder - and boom. The idea blossomed like a nettle flower in my head. The image above which is lined up will be coloured. And it will be in a moment!

And at the moment I'm seriously considering including this shipping in the canon of my AU.

A few words about my versions of Sozo and Helob. Be warned that there will be little spoilers about the storyline of my AU. You read at your own risk.

Following the description from the game, Sozo is a male ant. Helob is a male spider. The former is a junkie and the leader of a small, innocuous mushroom-person cult. The latter sells followers and is convinced that Lamb feeds on them.

In my AU I stick to it with a few minor changes… First, if someone doesn't know, ants are similar to bees - most of society are female, males (drones) are a rarity and only serve to fertilize the queen and then dying. So… let's take a look at Sozo now. If he is actually male, it means that he left his anthill for some reason (was he kick out of it?), which may be the reason for his condition and his urge to take drugs. Or, if he is female but considers himself male, he may have been removed from his anthill for this type of heresy. Anyway, for one reason or another he lost his place in the anthill (no matter if he left or was kick out). But ants are social creatures - he had to be unhappy. And then… and then he discovered the mushrooms that make you happy. And a race of wise mushroom-people. Ants like fungus (if you don't know, they breed them, and sometimes they symbioticize with them… in some species of ants, these insects use fungus to fill cavities in the bodies of their soldiers, etc.) So Sozo in my AU is not a pure ant - his body is partly a mushroom, and the mushroom on his head has consciousness of its own (a bit like the Red Crown of Lamb). Sozo has become addicted to narcotic substances - he not only uses mushrooms, but also drinks suspicious tinctures and generally poisons his body to be happy for a moment… However, when he isn't stoned, he has very unpleasant effects of withdrawal from intoxicating substances, such as anxiety, paranoia, manic periods, persecution mania, and above all: constant depression. His symbiosis with the mushroom, however, gave him what is both his blessing and his curse at the same time - complete immortality.

Now let's take a look at my Helob. I have already shared an AU's fragment with him, you can read it here. In general, Helob in my version is a bit like Igors from those old movies about Dracula or mad scientists. In fact, he is a very optimistic, joyful being for whom the whole world is a table full of food. In his species (as in many true species of spiders) males are quite wasted - namely, after the female is fertilized, they are killed and eaten by her. Helob had escaped this fate for the simple reason that no female had wanted him before. But he doesn't lose hope… In a way, his meaning of life is to have his mating season and then disappear in the jaws of his beloved, ha ha. Helob is weird. For him, the world is divided into eaters and eaten ones, and he doesn't consider himself to be at the top of the food ladder. His whole consciousness is shaped by hunger and stomach, he considers himself a servant of other beings, he enjoys his job very much, loves to hunt and then trade what he hunts and what he doesn't eat himself. Although he lives in Anura now, he was born and raised in Silk Cradle, where, quite naturally, he worshiped Shamura. He was even very high in the church hierarchy and at one point even became Shamura's vessel - but that was a long, long time ago, even before Shamura was crippled by Narinder. But thanks to this period of his life, Helob gained immortality.

As for the shipping itself… I don't want to reveal too much, but overall Helob is fascinated by Sozo. First, as a food object - an ant and a fungus in one, what a delicious combo! In addition, Helob finds Sozo also physically attractive (he calls him "beautiful mister"). Over time, however, his obsession takes on a slightly more lustful character. Sozo doesn't give a shit at first - when he's stuned, he doesn't have full contact, when he's not - constant depression makes him indifferent to what's happening to him. So he basically lets Helob do as he pleases. But he quickly comes to appreciate that Helob is a good listener and the fact that he doesn't judge him. Plus at some point he'll probably start using his venom as another stimulant and he'll probably get addicted to it, lol XD

#Cult of the Lamb #Sozo #Helob #random follower #Sozo x Helob

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nellie-elizabeth · 6 months

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tagged by @awildwickedslip, thank you!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

103.

2. What’s your total AO3 wordcount?

1,825,148

3. What fandoms do you write for?

magicians and roswell, new mexico primarily! Also wrote a good omens fic recently but that might be a one and done for now.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

tales from a bookshop (good omens post season 2, fairly sure I'll never write anything this popular ever again because holy shit)

Lover's Touch - Queliot fic!

Promises - Queliot fic!

Maybe This Time - Queliot fic!

Fragments - Queliot fic!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! I didn't used to in my earlier fandom days but now I'm pretty consistent about it.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I once wrote a major character death fic for Queer as Folk where Justin died. Not really my style anymore. Back in my ff.net days I also wrote Merthur major character death fic, I'm just remembering.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I always try and do happily ever afters! A lot of my stories end with a sense of "and then they continue on their adventures, and life isn't always simple or easy", so in terms of the most pure, joyful ending? I guess I'll go living proof, which is the end of my episode series for Roswell, NM, which is just a "now they're married and happy forever" fic.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I have before, but not as a rule. Once got called an abuse apologist & incest support (oh the horror /s) for exploring the canonical close friendship (not even a romantic relationship!) between two dudes from Shadowhunters lmao. And there's a troll in the Roswell fandom who writes hilarious and idiotic unhinged rants and I've been hit by her before, but she's got a scatter-shot approach and attacks a lot of people, so, at least I know it's nothing personal.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yep! What is meant by "what kind" here? lol. I'm pretty vanilla. Mostly m/m, but I usually don't pass over the chance for m/m/f. I actually recently wrote my very first m/f full-on sex scene ever for a little Magicians snippet, Kady/Penny lol.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

No, I don't wrote crossovers in the sense that characters from various worlds don't meet each other in my fics. HOWEVER, two of my favorite things I've ever written have been Magicians AUs that crossed over the characters from that show with the full plot from other films. One is The Old Guard (A Comet Pulled From Orbit), and one is When Harry Met Sally (When Quentin Met Eliot).

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yeah, a few times! Used to happen a lot back with old ff.net stuff, and I recently had my good omens fic translated.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

I'm co-writing a series right now! First time I've ever done it and it's a blast.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

uhhhhh don't make me choose? lmao. In terms of fandom engagement and longevity I guess Queliot at this point. But in terms of... the ships that made me discover and appreciate and explore fandom in the first place? Kirk/Spock and Brian/Justin. Classics.

16. What are your writing strengths?

dialogue and tone setting, I think?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plot details (I get bored and distracted mapping things out)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

tbh I usually wince when I see it in fic? I'm not a fan. It always feels a little silly. Maybe very very sparingly if there's like a singular phrase or term of endearment or something but I'd rather just indicate that someone is speaking another language rather than write it out. I feel like it can often be tokenizing if you just have one character who's bilingual and you give them little one-liners in a different language. Idk. If the author is bilingual and doing a thing, then that's awesome. But I can usually tell when someone's just using google translate for stuff lol.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Gilmore Girls!

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

I'm gonna cheat and name one each for my two big fandoms. Also idk if these are my favorites but they're two I really love that aren't my most popular:

Regrets, or the Absence Thereof (Magicians)

all the roads that lead you there (Roswell)

tagging @portraitofemmy @spiders-hth-is-an-outlier @orchardsinsnow @r-dtoblack and YOU if you're reading this and want to play!

#my posts #my fic #fic talk

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asteraceae-blue · 22 days

Text

20 questions for writers

Tagged by @bourbon-ontherocks, thank you friend!! ✒️📜

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

466,050, who the hell lets me talk that much?!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

GLOW, Sherlock, Stranger Things has made it in there, I was also diving into the Jurassic World fandom but got derailed. Older fandoms over on FF.net included Castle, Bones, and Crossing Jordan way back in the day

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Pull of My Heart to Yours

Five

Paragon

Be Prepared (co-written with the lovely @mizjoely)

Silk

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to answer everyone! Sometimes I'll get busy and forget to respond, but I do my best to at least say thank you to everyone who comments

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

The angstiest? Probably Watching the World Burn

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think most of my fics have overall happy endings, but the two that are borderline saccharine are That's Life and Golden Repair. I basically ended them with a joyful, romcom soundtrack 🤮

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I have had some, unfortunately. It used to get to me a lot more, because, you know, we all do this for fun and for free. Now I just delete the comments and move on with my day 🤙

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Oh yeah. Ohhhhhh yeah. Typically romantic, sometimes angsty, occasionally plot-what-plot explicit. I let the story tell me what it needs, if you will.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Have not, but I still have a prompt in my Inbox for a GLOW/Sherlock crossover that I would like to get to at some point

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Sort of - years ago I had someone leave a comment on a fic telling me I was doing a bad job with a good idea, and then they took my idea and wrote their own fic (totally fine) and blasted me in the notes (not at all fine), so... that was fun.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not yet!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Ooh yes, @mizjoely and I have collaborated on Be Prepared and Furo and we had a blast with both. There is a (maybe?) abandoned fic with @miabicicletta that I would still love to finish if the world allows us... 🥺

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I like them all for different reasons, but I think Mulder and Scully will always be my OTP. And I haven't even written anything for them yet! I'm scared, they intimidate me 😬

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I would really really like to finish Shelter From the Storm at some point, even though the franchise is basically done! The idea I had for it was waaaaay different than what they ended up doing in the last movie, and much, much darker. Maybe someday.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Too many ideas in my head and the audacity to think that people want to hear about them 😁

I do a decent job with keeping things in character, and having a plan for where the story is going so I can actually set things up properly. I think I have a pretty good eye for detail as well.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

If I'm having a hard time getting from one plot point to another, I get lazy and things get stilted. I'll bullshit my way through boring bits to get to the bits I really want to write.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I try, guys. I really do. I do as much homework as I can with Google Translate, but I know it's not enough to get it right. I avoid other languages if I can.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

First ever ever? Hahaha Xena: Warrior Princess. First online published I think was Crossing Jordan

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Oh geez, that's tough - I honestly think it's a tie between Paragon and That's Life. I had the most fun writing both of those.

Tagging @miabicicletta, @mizjoely, @jomiddlemarch, and anyone else who wants to jump on this

#writing Qs

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kestrelvylbrand · 10 months

Text

I am soooo late, but here we go!

Tagged by: @luck-and-larceny, thank you for the tag! Sorry I'm being so slow on Tumblr at the moment!

Tagging: @vetinarivisuals

Favorite OC: It honestly varies from day to day. But anyone who has stuck around enough to actually have some work put into them, I generally love.

But I love them for super different reasons.

Oldest OC: Ok, I did goth-y forum RP back as a teenager, so it's probably some vampire girl I can't quite remember. But my first serious RP character in a game was Eia, a Blood Elf Warlock (World of Warcraft) who had grown up super sheltered and was trying really hard (and mostly failing) at being dramatic and ruthless. She was a total cupcake though.

Newest OC: Teeechnically Rook, my Necromancer in Diablo 4. But I haven't really roleplayed her much and it's not the *best* game for RP in general, so... The newest OC I'm actively roleplaying would be Diaphanous Veil, my Eclipse Caste Solar Exalted. She's a courtesan and social climber, very ambitious and socially savvy so... Basically the opposite if me, but man, I love her a lot.

Meanest OC: Estrith no doubt. She's a mean old goat. When I played her in an MMO, I would constantly be whispering people to assure them that I am not actually as mean as she could be lol. She did have a huge soft heart though, which I think is what made her enjoyable to me.

Softest OC: Probably Eden, my character from Aion. Another very sheltered young lady who often struggled with understanding the world. And perhaps Fawn Cassidy, my Wildstar character. She was a storyteller, or trying to be, and just... Very optimistic and fun.

Most Aloof/Standoffish OC: Estrith again. Also Venice, my Aeon character. I try not to make my characters too aloof cause I find it harder to get into RP with, but it can be a lot of fun if you have people to help pull them out of their shelves!

Dumbest (Affectionate) OC: Kestrel? Kestrel. I think Kestrel is a bit of a dumbass but I love her.

Dumbest (Derogatory) OC: Yiria. She was my OC in Age of Conan ages ago and I played her at a time in my life (late teens) where I was pretty insecure and dealing with a bunch of stupid relationship stuff and just... She kind of reflects that.

Smartest OC: Oh man, tough one. It really depends. Ley is very booksmart, but I'm not sure I'd consider her the smartest. Venice is probably the one with the highest "Intellect". She's very well educated and a scientist who really values learning all the mysteries of the universe. Dia is probably the most clever though.

Horniest OC: Dia is a courtesan, so you may think it's her, but she's not actually all that horny herself. Faust took a lot of inspiration from Kierkegaard's Aesthetic Phase, plugged with a bunch of hedonism and self-indulgence, so.. She's pretty horny. Even if she actually doesn't hook up as often as youd think lol

Kes definitely deserves an honorable mention too, realistically speaking, she's probably the horniest.

OC you'd bang: Listen, if the point isn't to make OCs you'd want to bang, what is it really? Kes, Faust... I have always had a major weakness for villains, so Vilje, even though it would probably be a really terrible idea.

OC you'd be best friends with IRL: I feel like I'd get along pretty well with Ley. Even though she's not "like" me, she's probably the character I feel most strongly represents me as a person, she's kind of nerdy and socially awkward and I think we could have some great conversations about storytelling. Same with Fawn. She was just a happy, joyful character and I think we could have been really great friends.

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flowerandblood · 5 months

Note

Genuine question from someone struggling with writing at the moment but when you come up with a new story and it's premises, how do you organize your thoughts? Your stories are always so well thought out and have their own hidden meanings and in depth dive of the characters as if you are writing them on people you know, my question is, how do you organize how and when you will write that out?

Oh my god, okay, I'll warn you that I'm very chaotic when it comes to my writing style. I usually start by having a theme, a starting point - and let's assume, in my last story the female character is the younger sister of Aemond's friend. I had to figure out who Aemond would be here, what her or his internal conflict would be, or what the situation would be that would bring them closer together.

And I came up with an idea, oh, what if he worked as a sexworker? But suddenly he really fell in love with a girl who is not interested in such things at all? And here comes something I can work with, internal conflict, his thoughts, regret, shame, the desire to be worthy of someone. On the other hand, we have a heroine who also falls in love, tries to be supportive, but also knows herself enough to know that their expectations may not meet.

And here comes the most important thing for me, i.e. the credibility of the story and the dialogues. Nothing takes me out of a story more than dialogue that is completely out of character and as if it were pasted in from any other person. The point is that each character should have its own characteristics. If you decide to make your character charming, don't make her a stupid idiot, let her charm result from her care and unawareness, let her simply be innocent and inexperienced, uncertain and joyful.

Often when I think about my female character I think to myself "if my husband said that to me, how would I feel?" or I think "no, Aemond couldn't say that to her, if my husband said that to me/did that to me, I would kill him or I couldn't be with him because I wouldn't forgive him." Of course, it's not like my heroine is supposed to be me now, I wrote about many women who did or said things that I wouldn't say or do, but sometimes when I have doubts whether a dialogue makes sense, I analyze it this way.

Recently, I changed almost the entire chapter (even though I had written the next ones, fortunately it didn't affect the rest of the plot much) because I felt that Aemond's behavior was inappropriately aggressive to the situation, that if he knew that the heroine felt this way (and he did) he wouldn't do that if he really cared about her (in this universe). Only when I changed it and read it again did I feel that it clicked, that it fit, that it would look like this.

So my job in writing is primarily to ensure that the vocabulary is rich, to describe well what is happening, but not to do it in long paragraphs. Describing what the table looks like in 3 long sentences is, in my opinion, unnecessary - although some people like to do it that way. I always divide my paragraphs into shorter parts, I give more light to make it read better.

And it involves constantly analyzing the credibility of what is happening in relation to the fact that we imagine that these are real people with real problems, not cartoon characters. When I read fanfics where there is a girl who has never before had any dominant, hardcore stuff and loves everything immediately, it immediately comes to my mind - okay, it's soft porn, but it's very far-reaching.

It's not that easy in the real life, real people don't work like that - real people are afraid of the unknown, they are insecure, they need the awareness that they're not in danger for them to relax.

I could write more, but this is already an extremely long answer, I don't know, if you have more specific questions, you can ask further, I will be happy to answer you as best as I can, thank you for your kind words!

#answered #just writing things

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sevnthhart-a · 11 months

Note

knock knock, it's me, local menace, and i am here to pose a meta question : what does make tifa happy? what does genuinely spark joy to her? any comfort books, food dishes, drinks, snacks, series, books, music? or would you think that tifa is so absorbed with everything that she hardly makes time to find these things for herself?

blu , local menace , my beloved. thank you for indulging my brainrot xoxo

i. first off, some background as to how i see her mental state / default emotional response because it plays such a heavy part in understanding my thought process on this. to put it frankly, her feelings run deep. this isn't exclusive to the joyful ones, but the more intense outbursts of sadness, anger, etc. as well. while it may not be intentional, everyone close to her ( or even just in general ) has the power to break her heart or heal it. that isn't to say she's fragile ( quite the opposite ; canon content has put her through so much , i'm genuinely in awe of how she's able to withstand it all ) or a crybaby about it ( because i've seen it been said ). the more ill aligning feelings are just so heavily suppressed that it just ends up spiling out bit by bit before it happens to manifest itself into a full blown breakdown. as for the happier ones, she has no need to hold those in. it shows up in a variety of ways — it isn't difficult to make her happy, either. her heart bores so much resemblance to her mother's, so i don't find it hard to believe that she would be grateful for the little things people say or do for her out of kindness as opposed to actions done because of her looks. ( side note : the parallels between thea & tifa are so ashjdfsj i love the lockhart girlies with my entire being )

ii. music makes her happy. while i don't think she's a diehard fan of any particular artist, i can see her being a casual listener of instrumentals or just anything that can be softly played in the background while she's working solo. bonus points if it's piano heavy! i say that for obvious reasons, but i like to think it reminds her of home & simpler times. it's a bit odd but having the news on in the background ( think that one ac scene ) is also something she enjoys. when zangan first dropped her off in an unknown city with little to nothing, having the news on low made it feel like she wasn't so alone. obviously, along came people she could call family, but people gloss over the fact that she felt so very isolated during this time. on quiet days, depending on her mood, she'll pick one over the other & just get to work. it's a good reminder of everything's she gained since then.

iii. i don't see her as a big drinker but, she will indulge herself when the occasion calls for it. she reserves it for special times ( excluding when she's taste testing new menu options ; that's work & she'll often pull for a second opinion ) with friends. i read somewhere that her, barret, & cloud will get together every so often to reminisce about old times & drink to the happy ones ( have no idea if this has been confirmed canon or if anyone else was involved , but i just adore the idea & fully implement it into my interp because i'm a whore for found family ). in moments like that, where she isn't questioning her strength or pondering what ifs, that she's on cloud nine — because this is her home & it's every bit as dear to her as nibelheim was. i'm not talking about edge or any other location, but the people in her life. they are so very precious to her & she will drink to that.

iv. i do wanna mention that it isn't rare she'll seek these interactions out whenever things start to take a toll on her. this goes back to my first point, but i see it as her method of coping. cloud has his ways, tifa has hers. she wants to continue being seen as a figurehead of stability by the people closest to her heart ; all so they feel comfortable relying on her when they're the ones in need ( her redemption from situations that weren't her fault ). by suppressing those unwanted feelings quietly, she's able to move forward ( albeit , with a heavy heart , but a heart nonetheless ) & resolve whatever issue is at hand. so i don't necessarily believe she gets so absorbed with everything that she doesn't have time. if it's urgent & she can feel things slipping, she'll do her best to make time for it.

v. all in all, there are many ways to make tifa loml lockhart happy ; but quality time & music are the top two i wanted to elaborate on.

#meta tbt #furiaei #honestly im leaning so heavily on the idea of writing with the guidance of hcs bc jdskdjs #thats just how we roll on sevnthhart ig ✋#this went dhjsd a little off topic but ykw it is what it is #my ill brain just wanted to write about her this morning #im also feeling heavily canon divergent so :'))

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pinkasrenzo · 2 years

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Mid-year book freak out tag

Finally have some time to do this! Thanks @bloody-wonder for the tag💕

1. Best books you’ve read so far in 2022? The Raven Cycle books by Maggie Stiefvater, they just got me. I read them back-to-back in a week or so and they have everything I love in a book, the prose was great and totally fit the overall vibe with that kind of Night Vale-ish feel to it, sort of eerie but also cosy? Can totally see this series becoming a comfort read. All the characters have a special place in my heart and I wasn’t expecting to love all of them so much, I usually have one or two faves but I just, love all the gang and I love how they all love each other and their friendship and just. I love them. So much. Also well planned plot, mysteries where everything is connected and you can see the puzzle forming and everything clicking together, old European folklore (specifically old kings waiting to be woken)?? Sign me the fuck up. I need more. Also I had to get them in hardback and oh they're pretty.

Also, We Both Laughed in Pleasure the diaries of Lou Sullivan, it was incredibly good and moving and so happy? joyful? usually trans memoirs are always sad and bitter, especially when it's about someone living during the AIDS crisis, but this was just so full of joy, specifically joy in being trans and queer and even when it was sad there was always something comforting or hopeful. I'd recommend this to every trans man or transmasc out there (and anyone else really) cause there's so much anger and sadness out there that reading about how good it can be to just get to live your life is, something I've never seen in trans lit and it's just, it warms my heart reading about Lou's life.

2. Best sequels you’ve read so far in 2022? Leviathan Falls by James S.A. Corey probably. It started out different than the other books, had a broader focus and was a bit confusing at first as a choice but it worked out in the end and it helped in making sense of how it all came together so I appreciated it. Also seeing how the Roci crew story came to its end and how much they’ve all grown and changed since the beginning hit right in the feels. Lletting go of them made me emotional ngl and I’ll definitely re-read the whole series at some point but I couldn’t have asked for a better finale ( even with all the heartbreak and angst and tears it was just. Great.).

3. New releases you haven’t read yet, but want to? Book of Night by Holly Black, the plot is extremely intriguing and looks slightly darker? than her other books so I'm very curious how's it going to be. She's also one of my favorite authors and she's not disappointed yet so I'm trusting her to deliver some Quality.

4. Most anticipated release for second half of 2022? I know Greywaren is coming out in October so I'm waiting for it to get the whole trilogy and get more from TRC universe and I! Am! So! Hype! I don't even have a clue what it's about I just want more of anything TRC kjhgjhk

5. Biggest disappointment? Confessions of the Fox by Jordy Rosenberg probably. I was expecting heists and some good "be gay do crime" vibes given that it's based on an irl master thief and while it did deliver on the gay it didn't deliver on the crime at all. It was kinda boring? and unnecessarily long and drawn out in some parts, way too focused on the romance (and didn't even develop it properly?) and not enough on the plot, and given that it's a story-within-a-story kind of book with conspiracies and plotting and Big Mysteries tm... it was just Not It. It also kinda read more like an academic text rather than a fiction book, which I get the fictional author is an academic but there are better ways to go about it imo.

6. Biggest surprise? Lou Sullivan's diaries for all the best reasons. I said how joyful it is, but it's also not the usual narrative. His life was messy and his gender journey even more so and I don't think I've ever read something so relatable, like honestly ever. He didn't always know, he didn't write about dysphoria or being trapped in the wrong body or whatever, all his discoveries about himself are always marked by happiness and how right he feels, and how he just loves being a man, loving men and I don't think there's enough lit (gay and/or trans) that focuses on that, the happiness of being trans and gay. I started this book expecting it to be sad (cause, you know, AIDS) but I came out of it feeling happy and with all the negativity often going around trans spaces (specifically gay trans men spaces) it's,,, nice, really nice. I didn't know how much I needed this book until I read it, and I'm so incredibly happy I did.

7. Favorite new authors? I didn't read any book from a new author that made it into my faves yet? I really liked The Singing Hills Cycle by Nghi Vo but I wouldn't say it's fave material, just really good and definitely worth a read. We'll see if second half of 2022 will deliver more :')

8. Newest favorite character? Can I say the Gangsey? Definitely the gang from TRC, I love them all to bits they're my children I'm adopting all of them and Chainsaw and that's that nobody touches them I will protect them with my life.

9. Newest fictional crush? I do am very gay for Jacob Reckless (Reckless by Cornelia Funke) but that's nothing new, it's been going on for years I'm a lost cause at this point smh

10. Book that made you cry? We Are Okay by Nina LaCour made me tear up quite a bit, the way it deals with grief and the importance of solitude and growing up and figuring yourself out it's just *chef's kiss* and the way it's written it's like a warm hug from a friend in front of a fireplace and it's so comforting to read and while the title may seem misleading at first (they are Not Okay) by the end I was left with this cosy feeling that yeah maybe they will be okay after all, and even if life can be a mess sometimes it'll all work out in the end.

Also TRC (specifically the end) but that's just cause I was deep in the feels tm

11. Book that made you happy? Again, Lou Sullivan's diaries <3 queer joy is the best joy.

Also Fairy Oak - Il destino di una fata by Elisabetta Gnone came out this year and it's sort of an extra content collection for my favorite kids series and even if it's been 20? years since I read the series as a kid I still love coming back to the magic and the world in these books and getting to know these tiny little extra details about all the characters and the village I'll never grow tired of it.

12. Favorite book adaptation you saw this year? Haven't read the book but The Handmaiden was so unhinged and chaotic and Great and I loved it, can't believe it took me this long to watch it oh was it good. Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell was also great, both as an adaptation and as a mini-series, almost as chaotic and unhinged, definitely creepy and unsettling, also the fx were just *chef's kiss* so good. Great vibes all around no complaining here.

Also honourable mention to The Magicians for still making a mess of me on this rewatch.

13. Favorite review you’ve written this year? Bold of you to assume I write reviews.

14. Most beautiful cover? The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon has The Most Beautiful cover I've seen in a while, truly stunning, the colours the dragon, the style is just. Wow.

Also not as stunning but TRC has some truly gorgeous covers seeing them all lined up on the shelf is hhhhhh so. nice.

15. What books do you need to read by the end of the year? I still have A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara in my TBR and I plan on reading this summer but am waiting for my beloved kobo to come back from maintenance. I'm also curious about The Secret History by Donna Tartt after seeing so much of it on my dash, and I wanted to read more quality dark academia so ig it's the perfect book to start with jhjkj. I'm also planning on finally reading Coraline by Neil Gaiman and then I have Le Otto Montagne by Paolo Cognetti which I know absolutely nothing about cause it was a surprise gift from a friend but they promised gay and wilderness and mountains and the cover looks so pretty and winter-y so I'm def hype to read.

I'm tagging @pollyna @bismuth-209 @abramminyard @maybemountains @theblackswanuniverse if you want to do it ^^

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aquagustd · 2 years

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If you don't mind me giving you my personal theory and feelings, but i think if oc did come with jungkook back in the flashback drabble, i think jungkook would've cheated on the oc together with sora later on in that scenario because it's stated in the flashback drabble from jungkook's pov that he has been wanting to taste those lips of sora, he wasn't just admitting it to himself (i can't remember if this was said in the drabble itself or one of the hashtags from your answers). I think sora would've stepped beyond the lines and seduce jungkook because she's been lusting after jungkook and i don't think jungkook will be able to refuse temptation because, as i repeat, he's been lusting over sora as well. And i think that scenario is more painful than how it is going on right now with your story because jungkook might "throw away" the oc (take this as you will) once he establishes himself with sora. I strongly believe he is able to cheat on the oc despite being together with her from his early years, because of chapter 7.

Now for my personal feelings, i'm not gonna lie, i've been team jungkook up until the recent chapters. I'm truthfully a sucker for the "first love = last love" + "ride or die" tropes so i was hopeful that jungkook and oc end up together despite everything, but as i've been consuming a lot of discussion about relationships and stuff and i came to realize that i should let those feelings go, because looking at how things are right now with jungkook, i don't believe that oc choosing/ending up with him will lead to a joyful ending. Both he and oc got issues, they're unhealthy for each other right now, how more would they be once (both for themselves & for one another, and for junho as well) they get into a relationship with each other? Jungkook carries a lot of baggage with him, most especially having another woman in his life that is deadly to deal with for the oc due to her connections, and he himself has a lot of issues & deadly enemies. He's shown that he is capable of hurting the oc and did. I've recently watched "marriage story" and while watching it, this story, particularly jungkook and oc's relationship came into mind. It would be beautiful if jungkook and oc came to reach that kind of relationship (i wont spoil the movie for you). I hope jungkook recognizes his wrongdoings and learns to fix and redeem himself even if it's no longer for the oc but only for junho, junho deserves everything. i hope jungkook and oc reach a civil relationship with each other for their son. I hope there comes a point where jungkook and oc will reconcile, even if they do no longer love each other in that way. I just want junho to be happy.

Thank you for reading my insights on your story, this story makes my heart ache whenever it passes my mind. Have a nice one ❤️

Lastly, you do not have to answer this should you not want to, but do you agree with my theory of jungkook being able to cheat on oc? Thank you.

firstly, thank you for being so kind. hmm about your theory on jungkook possibly cheating on oc if he did stay. i think that if that happened, it would’ve been sora’s doing. she would’ve probably tried to seduce him 💀 & maybe get him to say things he doesn’t mean i don’t know. but if he and oc were okay, i’m 100% sure he would’ve forgotten all about sora. bc sora’s plan was leave jungkook at the wedding, hear back from him and be on her way.

but things changed when he saw oc with hobi and a kid he thought wasn’t his. sora would’ve been forgotten.

you’re right about them being unhealthy for each other !! they both need to be willing to fix that if they decide to move forward together.

your theory made a lot of sense !! if sora was in the picture she would’ve pulled a move on jk. but since she wasn’t going to be, jungkook would’ve never cheated on oc with sora. he was loyal to oc.

thank you for reading & sharing your thoughts !! this was a good theory <3

#fic: hie #squishies

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dgds10 · 6 months

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God saved my life

At some point in my life, I plunged deep into despair. Constant mental pain. Without help. Without hope. I even planned to commit suicide.

And it was at this critical moment that I remembered God. On my knees in tears, having expressed to God everything that had accumulated over several years of depression, I felt relieved, I felt that I was not alone. Step by step, I got to know and understand God better. Along with the realization of God's absolute love and forgiveness, pain gradually disappeared from my life, replaced by joyful hope. After all, God saved my life.

I was born into a Christian family. I had a normal life. I had problems and difficulties, just like other people. Nothing too special.

I had a good childhood. I was a child, so I didn't pay attention to the prerequisites of the problems that made themselves felt in adolescence.

At the age of 12, I was still happy. However, at the age of 13-15 (I can't remember exactly. From constant stress, part of my memories are hazy) problems began to pile up on me one after another, then all at once accumulating. My health problems could lead to serious complications, as well as significantly ruin my life in adulthood. Family problems led to a painful divorce of my parents. Their example and authority was crumbling before my eyes. I was one of the best students in my school. I own an achievement that is still the best and unique for my school. Having achieved this, I realized that I didn't want to continue being the best. I wanted to be better than some, but worse than others. Look for yourself. To pursue their own interests. I wanted to live and study, not live for the sake of studying. But the pressure from relatives, students and teachers, even from just acquaintances, did not allow me to breathe freely. I wanted love, but relationships scared me.

I got depressed. My relations with relatives and friends have deteriorated. I was not comfortable at home, at school, in church, anywhere in the town where I lived. I became lonely. I've always been sure that God exists. But it was my parents' God. Not my personal one. Subconsciously, I understood that God was able to help me, but it seemed to me then that neither prayer, nor Bible study, nor God himself was helping me.

In the beginning, I didn't even understand what was happening to me. I woke up early in the morning with a pressing and aching pain inside. Desperate for the start of a new day. I was alone all day. I cried a lot. I could cry until I fell asleep late at night with endless and unbearable pain. This affected my studies in such a way that I went from being one of the best students to one of the worst. My life seemed to me like a lump or a whirlwind of endless problems. Nobody and nothing helped me. I was alone. I didn't want to live.

I found a "way" to deal with mental pain with physical pain. I started scratching my hands with the sharpest object in our house. At first, the barely noticeable and barely perceptible scratches became longer and deeper each time, periodically bleeding. The cuts didn't heal for a long time. Even though I tried to hide them, but deep down I hoped that at least someone would notice my pain and help me (at least my mom). But this did not happen. Everyone seemed to ignore me. I was plunged into despair. I blamed God for being born and living. I dreamed of death, which seemed to me the only way out of pain. I was losing the remnants of the fear of death. My family's religious beliefs have kept me from attempting suicide for a long time. In the end, one day I couldn't stand it. I picked up a knife. I almost forgot about the fear of physical pain and death. If it wasn't for what happened next, I'm sure that sooner or later I would definitely have decided to die.

Thank God that while I was imagining the end of my life with a knife in my hand, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of fear and horror. I dropped the knife and went back to my room. I knelt down and told God everything. Everything that happened to me. I told Him about all my problems and difficulties, about pain and fear. I realized that I wasn't alone. The Lord is with me. I realized all that I had known since childhood. “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." (John 3:16, Bible, NASB). Jesus Christ died for me on the cross. He sacrificed himself for me, for my salvation. He's my Savior. I thought I was the last nonentity in the world, but God himself saved me. Jesus Christ himself died for an insignificant person like me. For the first time in my life, I really realized how much it meant. The first time I cried was not because of my own problems. I cried out of gratitude for God's love for me and from the feeling that I was forgiven by God. My friends turned away from me at the right moment. My beloved father was ready to leave me. But not God. I realized that God, unlike people, loves and forgives me, no matter what I am. I decided to entrust my problems to God. I asked him to help me even in small things. And God helped. At first I was afraid to believe that it was so. But it was like that. I've realized it time and time again. And I was grateful to God for every time.

My life has improved. As soon as the problems left me, it would seem that I no longer needed God as much as before. I began to forget God again. Until new problems and difficulties began in my life. I have health problems that I didn't have before. Prolonged iron deficiency anemia without proper treatment, as well as constant stress, led to heart problems. I began to choke often. There was enough physical activity or experiences that I stopped having enough air. I managed relatively well during the day, but not at night. I couldn't get enough air while I was trying to sleep. I was suffocating. This caused a fear of death in me. I used to think that I didn't want to live, that I wanted to die. But after the onset of heart problems, I realized how much I want to live. Even if thoughts of suicide came back to me, I understood that I wanted to live. I thought of God again. Only the thought that God is still with me, and His love for me has not changed, and that He continues to forgive me, helped me relax and fall asleep at night.

A "swing" has begun in my life. Sometimes I thought about God again and trusted Him with all my problems and difficulties, then I forgot about God again and couldn't cope with stress myself. In those years, the pinnacle of my trust in Him was passing exams for admission to university. By that time I had already read the Bible completely. At some point, I came across a verse from the Bible, which I constantly repeat to myself several times every day, especially before going to bed, even to this day. "‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’" (Isaiah 41:10, Bible, NASB). At each of the exams on the draft before the very beginning, I wrote myself two verses from the Bible as a reminder that God is with me. "‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’" (Isaiah 41:10, Bible, NASB) and "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13, Bible, NASB). I passed the exams relatively successfully and entered a university in the region where I was born and to which I always dreamed of returning. Even if it wasn't the university of my dreams and not the profession of my dreams, but at that moment the main thing for me was to return to my Homeland, where my relatives lived, who always treated me well. Even the population in the region where I was born was much nicer than in the city where I grew up. It helped me a lot. But the old problems made themselves felt in the new place of residence and study.

I suffered because of my health problems. I didn't have a very good relationship with my parents. I didn't have any friends. And my studies left much to be desired. There have been no good times in my life in which I could forget about God. I constantly needed His help. And I constantly turned to Him for help. My whole life seemed too complicated to me. I couldn't change anything, no matter how hard I tried and tried. The first almost 2 years of my studies at the university were a difficult ordeal for me. However, even in those moments when I wanted to give up, God stayed with me and helped me, even if I no longer had the strength or desire to ask Him for it. He helped me even in every little thing.

I realized that I couldn't do it without God. I realized that I need God in my life always. Not only in bad times, but also in good times. I wanted God to always be with me. He was my only hope. I've asked Him to be with me many times. I asked him to help me come to him, remembering a verse from the Bible: "“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28, Bible, NASB. But I didn't know and didn't understand how to do it. I wanted to hear His answer. Or that God would somehow point him out to me. But the realization came to me unexpectedly and clearly not in the way I could have expected.

I went to church again. It used to be too difficult for me mentally. But in my search for God, I felt that I needed to go to church. I forgot how nice it was to communicate with other members of the church. Sincere smiles and happiness in the eyes. Singing Christian music. A sermon. I've missed it all so much. And that's when the truth was finally revealed to me, for the understanding of which I asked God. After several church visits, I realized that I wanted to openly ask for help. Tell my story and ask for help. This was not too similar to me at that time. I have already managed to get used to solving my problems myself. But I was acutely aware of the desire not to keep my pain and doubts to myself. I trusted the first person I met in church. I didn't plan this. But it was from him that I felt the desire to help, even though he hardly knew me. One day I told him what was happening to me. His reaction and words, in which I felt sincere concern and compassion, helped me a lot. She also told me at the end of our conversation that I was ready to become a member of the church. But I wasn't so sure. It was only after the end of the conversation that I remembered that I had not asked how I could accept Jesus Christ and come to Him. For some reason, I didn't dare ask him about it other times. As if it was something I should have figured out on my own.

It was also a difficult period in my life. I received consolation from God through Bible verses, singing Christian music and reading Christian literature. I have read some good books and articles, the contents of which I keep reminding myself. Once, right during a church service, I was moved to tears by a Christian song that I knew well from childhood, but did not think about the meaning of its words:

"You know the way, though it is hidden from me;

Since You are there my heart is filled with peace.

Why should I fear when You go on before me,

Both night and day You set my heart at ease.

You know the way! The time of my translation

Was planned before I even lived one day.

My heart is filled with wonder and elation,

For You have loved and led me all the way.

Lord, You know all, the winds that blow and

frighten—

The storms of life Your orders still obey!

And even though my burdens may not lighten,

Still, I’m at peace, because You know the way."

I remembered this song many times afterwards. And also I remembered my favorite Christian song as a child:

"I knees will bow, and hear God

Thanks to my sorrow and my.

I knees will bow and soul hear

The quiet voice of Christ, the voice of eternal love.

I knees will bow, and open sky -

Wonderful Lord region, where not go out of dawn.

And gladden the heart of the life-giving light,

And be filled with the forces of the new belief grief.

I knees will bow and see so clearly

Confusing its, and errors in the way.

I understand that Christ was me the light in the storm,

Carried me in his arms, and without anger forgiven.

I knees will bow before God the Almighty,

Your heart, as a gift, bring to the altar.

The quiet voice of Christ over him hear.

I knees will bow, I knees will bow."

But some time after talking to a member of the church, I received perhaps the most unusual consolation and encouragement in my life. Mom and I went shopping. I was tired, so I decided to come home earlier. I should have come home by a shorter way, but I went home by a longer and more beautiful way. I had nothing left to go home, when suddenly a young guy and a girl came out to meet me and asked me to take part in a survey. I agreed. It turned out that it was not so much a survey as a sermon of the Word of God. And the young people were believers from another church, not mine. They were glad that I also believe in God, even if I belong to another religion. We talked for a while, and I came home. They didn't tell me anything new. But they reminded me of Bible verses, the comfort and encouragement that is in them. It reminded me that the Lord loves me and helps me, even if I keep making mistakes. It helped me to relax and prepare for the last exam session at the university.

Before the next course, I finally visited a psychotherapist and found out that I had been suffering from a mixed anxiety-depressive disorder for the past few years. This explained to me my strange reactions to experiencing problems. I had no idea that all this time it was a mixed anxiety-depressive disorder that prevented me from living, and with it, panic attacks. I began to understand my condition better and cope with it better. Unlike the previous times when something in my life was getting better, this time I had no intention of leaving God and forgetting Him again. I felt my need for God. But how can I come to God? How to find His peace, which I needed so much? The realization came to me very strangely and unexpectedly. Before taking one of the subjects at the university, as many times before, I had a severe panic attack. I couldn't regain control of myself, no matter how hard I tried. I stopped thinking and was ready to give up again. Usually, in such cases, I used to throw a tantrum, hurt myself, mentally called myself a nonentity. But this time I started talking to God. In prayer, I suddenly realized that the Lord was always with me. He always loved and forgave me. I didn't deserve His love, His forgiveness, or His help. But the Lord continued to be with me, to love me, to forgive me, to help me. The only thing I had to do was accept Him in my life. And I realized that I had already accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior a few years ago, kneeling down and telling God instead of suicide. The episode from my life in which God saved me turned out to be the acceptance of Jesus Christ. I realized that I had already come to God and that I had already received His peace and hope. I received them already at the moment when He died on the cross. But I only realized it now. I was so grateful to the Lord for this discovery. I felt how God's peace filled my soul and how my heart stopped hurting. Even my panic attack stopped, and I was able to attend the class, which was quite successful. On the same day, I wanted to share my happy news with everyone. I told about the incident to a member of the church who supported me some time ago. I realized that I was really ready to join the church.

At the moment, I still have numerous problems, from which I sometimes get too tired. But now I know for sure that I'm not alone. The Lord is with me. God loves me. God forgives me. God is helping me. Always. I feel like he's changing my character for the better. I really hope that other people will also be able to realize that the loving and forgiving Lord will always be with them if they accept Him in their lives. God saved my life. I am grateful to Him that I am still alive and have the opportunity to tell others about my own salvation.

Thank God!

#God #Jesus Christ #Lord #religion #christianity #bible #church #cross #prayer #faith #hope #love #redemption #salvation #help #happiness #peace #depression #despair #pain #loneliness

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