#i’ll feel it out

[chamomile-g-tea]

I’ve been taking a bit of an unofficial break for a few months but i just want to make it clear that i’m likely not coming back here for a while, and if i do try to share my art again i want to be at a place i feel more comfortable in my ability to be respectful of other people and my platform. i don’t feel confident in my ability to create a safe space on my page that i’m proud of yet. i do hope i can share my art again online someday, but currently i’m focused on working on myself more and taking space from the internet.

#i’m sorry for the radio silence #it’s taken a lot of space to get to a semblance of level headedness about everything and i’ve been worried about saying the wrong thing #i think space has been the best course of action for me #im considering restarting on another page and building a more intentional and fresh space for myself and those who follow my work #i’ll feel it out #but anyway i appreciate everybody who’s loved my work so far #give love to the creators who are still here

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[squinkoblinko]

hes thinking real hard about eating a yummy sandwich

one with no crazy filters cause why not zzzz

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 fanart #tf2 medic #blu medic #is this even anything #can you see that i figured out how amazing the lasso tool was halfway thru the process cause i feel i can and it’s HORRID #MORE ART SOON i hope i’m really trying to get back into working on stuff and not being lazy #i’ll prob post this one insta w a few changes cause idk if i’m completely happy w how this looks

[milk-lover]

Sobbing uncontrollably reading through a dissertation about the college experience of students with ADHD. It is like reading a report about my life that just says over and over "My experiences are real. My hardships are real. I am not lazy, I am not dumb. My struggles were not my fault, and they were not a moral failing. The failure was with the system, not with me."

Here's a line that got me in particular:

"Hotez et al.(2022) compared the health, academic, and non-academic capacities of a nationally representative sample of U.S. first-year college students with ADHD and without ADHD. Students with ADHD self-reported lower academic aspirations and more feelings of depression and overwhelm, ranking themselves lower in their general emotional health. The fact that students with ADHD scored in the highest 10th percentile for many non-academic traits, such as artistic ability, computer skills, creativity, public speaking, social confidence, self-understanding and understanding of others, compassion, and risk-tasking, suggests that this population has strengths that are frequently underappreciated in academia."

(the paper is a thesis called "Understanding the Collegiate Experience for Students With ADHD" by Gia Long, 2022)

#adhd #actually adhd #i often hyperbolize but i am dead serious when i say sobbing uncontrollably. this is why i was putting off this assignment. #1000 years of hell to professors who assign self-reflection papers /hj #i dont feel comfy posting the pdf bc its not mine butttt.. i will share it to people who dm me. #edit: pages 80-85 #edit: thank you to everyone who reached out and asked for the pdf!! i wasn’t expecting this reaction #keep reaching out I’ll keep sending it #if anyone is interested but struggles to read academic papers pls ask me for help bc I’ve gotten a lot of practice with them and am Glad to #expand someone’s access to a paper like this

[endermagpieart]

What do you mean I’m a bit late for Janus’ big day? Of course not, how could you say such a thing! I definitely didn’t forget all about it in my absence and only get reminded in the incorrect quotes video live chat; that’s not like me at all ;]

Anyways I decided to dress our sassy snake in some different outfits I think he’d like. He seems like the type to get all dolled up on his birthday and it goes with Thomas posting pics in outfits inspired by the sides on their appreciation days!

@thatsthat24

#sanders sides #janus sanders #ts janus #thomas sanders #sanders sides fanart #my hoard #I’ve returned! #the newest asides came out and I remembered how much I love it #so I’m hyperfixated again and I’ve not now peace since #it is nice to actually finish something again tho #I’ve been pretty busy working lately and now I’m starting to pack to move into my first apartment! #so not much time to really sit down and draw #and when I do have time I can’t get the motivation to actually draw anything #I want to get better about posting stuff on here #(even though it feels like I’m just dreaming into the void a lot) #even just silly little things or rough sketches I’ll never finish #I hope it’ll help me continue to draw and make things again #I forgot how nice it is #anyways if you’ve read this far thanks #have a cookie :] 🍪

[shrugsinchinese]

Tether Essence: for you to feel the entirety of my love

#essek really saying if you don’t want to marry me I’ll offer up my entire self so you’ll pine after me forever smh #will Caleb marry him after this I do not know #but they do make out sloppy #I’m having feelings about their relationship okay #this is my way of coping #essek thelyss #caleb widogast #critical role #critical role fanart #shadowgast

[chloesimaginationthings]

Omgomgomg MIKE IS HEALING!! is he finally comfortable taking off the bandages on his face?? Also HES IN DIFFERENT CLOTHES idk if that just for pizzeria simulator or WHAT but LOOK AT THE BABY GOOO

I’m still working on Michael’s pizza sim look, but he is healing!

#ask reply #I’m still working on this look ITS ALMOST good #but I feel like I need a few more tweaks #I’ll probably alternate between different looks for Michael #similar how I do for game Vanessa #so consider this one of his few ‘looks’ #his manager owner look #the boss Michael #SHOUT OUT TO PIZZA SIM 💗💗💗💗

[the-meme-monarch]

loop my beloved

#i don’t think ​I’m anywhere near being done with this game but if anything happens to any of these characters i’ll bite my hands off #the art gallery #in stars and time #i tried to do some dappled lighting but idk if i like how it turned out 💔 so i included the sketch #EDIT i feel like i should mention i know Full Well shit is going to happen if all the art of siffrin crying is anything to go by. i just kn #i just know that once i actually get there it’s gonna fucking wreck me JXSJSMXJMSSMXJSJ #ans i mean art of siffrin crying as in In The Game. i think it literally opens on an image of them crying ?

[jim-jam-gem]

Here we go again.

#i would like to buy a drink for whoever picked out that waistcoat #feeling like it’s 2005 again #dw fandom how you doing #TWO david tennant paintings uploaded in one day what #honestly I can’t get over that trailer I’m so excited #I can’t remember if I did any fanart back then but I’ll have a look… #doctor who #david tennant #14th doctor

[gwyoi]

hi everyone sorry to make another post, but I was sick with a sinus and ear infection that I had to miss 4 days of work to recover from. I just need enough to get out of the negatives and pay for my car insurance, which is $160. I’ll hopefully be getting a second job remotely soon but until then I am a little bit fucked.

4/12/24 - $0/300

paypal - gwyoi

venmo - gwyoi

cashapp - gwyoi

#I tried selling more clothing items but I think I’ve run out of stuff since this time I only got $10 for shoes. #I’ll be selling a watch I got for my 16th bday but I think it will only be worth $80 since its just Kate spade ? but idk if it will sell #soon on Facebook #I feel bad asking again since I had to ask for help because I was really sick in December but hopefully once I get second remote job I’ll #be able to work weekends too #gwon

[transmascissues]

today, my coworkers’ refusal to see me as a man put one of our patients in a position where they felt unsafe for the third time. i’ve been at this job for less than two months total. i don’t even care about getting misgendered anymore, i just want the people we’re supposed to be taking care of to feel comfortable around me.

i work at a hospital where we have to supervise our patients in a lot of vulnerable situations. there are safeguarding rules in place for certain things that male employees aren’t allowed to be present for when it comes to female patients. and yet, the people training me and telling me what to do have repeatedly put me in situations where i’ve been forced to do things that the female patients aren’t comfortable with me doing. and because they have repeatedly failed to teach me the rules for doing my job as a man, i have no way of knowing when i’m crossing one of those lines unless one of the patients tells me.

i’ve had to watch a victim of SA stare at me in abject terror as my coworkers asked her to strip naked with me still in the room. it took several minutes for her to even be able to speak enough to ask if i could leave the room. i found out after that she broke down crying the moment i walked out. my biggest regret is that i didn’t realize what was happening fast enough to leave before she ever had to say something, because she shouldn’t have had to say it. i never should’ve been allowed in the room in the first place, because that’s not something male employees are supposed to be present for. but i didn’t know that yet, because i was training and i thought surely, they wouldn’t train me to do something that directly violated their own safeguarding rules. that moment was the first time, and it’s haunted me ever since, but it wasn’t the last time. not only did it happen for the third time today — it almost happened for the fourth, and would have if someone hadn’t spoken up to say they should pick someone else. i care for these people so deeply, it’s why i took this job, and i’m so tired of hearing the fear in their voices when they have to ask me not to do something i never should’ve been told to do.

i’m very used to the personal discomfort of being misgendered. i willingly deal with it a lot at work as well as in other situations, not because i’m in the closet (at this point in my medical transition that would be impossible), but because it’s such a frequent occurrence with my coworkers that we would never get anything done if i took the time to correct them every time. but to see it get to the point of causing such visceral discomfort in other people? people i’m supposed to be taking care of and keeping safe? that’s something else entirely, and i’m fucking exhausted.

and after all of that, some of them still look at me like i have two heads when they tell me what to do and i say “i can’t do that, only female employees can” because i’m learning now. clearly i’m already seen as a man by our patients, but my coworkers would still rather put them in an unsafe situation than just train me as a man.

#to be clear it’s four different things they’ve asked me to do that im not supposed to #as soon as i find out about one rule they ask me to violate a different one that i didn’t know about #i will never ever forget that girl’s face and i’ll never stop being angry for her #for all three of them but especially her #i hate my coworkers for a million different reasons #the patients are the only reason i didn’t quit this job after the first day #i just want to do right by them and sometimes it feels like i’m the only one working there who does #it kills me because the patients who know im trans have been so great about it too #most of them know nothing about trans people but they’re so willing to learn and so respectful and we’ve had such great conversations #they’re getting fucked over by someone else’s transphobia when they themselves don’t have a single transphobic bone in their bodies #i hate this place because i care about the people in it too much to stand by the way it treats them and it’s killing me #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #anti transmasculinity #transmascphobia

[ohnoitsnoma]

this scene means so so much to me

#save me s7 macdennis save me #it feels so rushed the longer i look at it #but if i spend one more second on it my brain will MELT #no one talk to me about this or i’ll die #i just needed to get it out #my art #fanart #macdennis #iasip #it’s always sunny in philadelphia #dennis reynolds #mac mcdonald #chimichangas? #no #crack

[fulgurbugs]

Thinkin abt dressrosa again

#one piece #fanart #myart #doodle time 😎 #I never feel like tagging characters so I’ll just do one. #trafalgar law #I’m working on my shapes with these ones. tho the barto and cavendish one got more detailed than I initially set out to do #*puts cavendish in a test tube and swirls him around* #EXTREMELY RARE DUX NO WOMEN POST (FIVE STAR RARITY)

[steddieas-shegoes]

The shampoo in the shower is wrong.

So is the conditioner.

And the body wash.

None of it is familiar, none of it feels like home, none of it feels like Eddie.

And why would it? Eddie’s not here, he’s with the band recording another album, far away from Hawkins and Steve.

They agreed to this, they both did. Eddie said he couldn’t wait for Steve, Steve didn’t want him to have to. Steve couldn’t leave the kids, Eddie didn’t want him to.

But that left them here, in this weird limbo where neither of them could acknowledge that they’d “broken up” and Steve was left staring at a body wash that wasn’t theirs.

It was stupid, really. Eddie always had his own body wash anyway.

But it was always right next to Steve’s. And sometimes they accidentally used each others’ when they were too tired to pay attention to the bottle they grabbed. And sometimes they’d run out of one and forget to pick up a new one at the store, so they’d smell like each other for a few days, weeks even.

And somehow Steve was expected to just use his own body wash, with no other bottle sitting on the shelf as an option.

Because Eddie wasn’t an option right now.

Or maybe ever if things kept going well for him and the guys.

Six months is a long time to not have Eddie as a comfort, as a safe place to rest, as a home.

But six months wasn’t that long when he thought about forever like this. Forever without Eddie.

Something he couldn’t have imagined the moment Eddie held a broken bottle to his neck.

He got out of the shower without washing his hair or his body; He could do it tomorrow.

He could be braver tomorrow.

He could survive another day without Eddie. Tomorrow.

Or maybe tomorrow he could finally be the one to break. He could call him and ask how things are. He could offer to come to a show. He could tell him that he loves him and he wants to follow him anywhere he goes.

But tomorrow wasn’t today and today, Steve had to accept his decision, their decision.

So today, Steve curled up in his bed, and he thought about what Eddie would sound like over the phone when he was brave. Tomorrow.

#oooooof I’m so sorry #angst with an ambiguous ending #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #drabble #we can assume it’s happy tho if you want #that’s what I’ll inevitably do when I’m not so in my feelings #post breakup #I’m getting the angst out now before it finds itself in a February prompt

[pizzaqueen]

A snippet from a future fic I'll probably never write, where Steve is a widower with two teenage kids, and he and Eddie randomly meet up, rekindling their old flame. This is when they've been together a while:

“Thank you,” Steve says, coming up behind Eddie at the bathroom sink.

Eddie pauses, catching Steve's eye in the mirror. “What for?” he asks, mouth foamy with toothpaste.

Steve slips his hands along Eddie's hips, hooks his chin over Eddie's shoulder. “For loving my kids.”

“You don't—” Toothpaste dribbles down Eddie's chin and he stoops to spit what's left in his mouth into the sink, gathering his hair to one side. He rinses his mouth out, wipes his face with a towel, then turns to Steve. “You don't have to thank me for that. Of course I love them.”

“Not everyone I've dated has.”

“They're idiots.” Eddie grabs the hem of Steve's shirt, pulling him close. “I mean, first of all, they're part of you, and I don't think I could love you and not love them. But...” He trails off, a small smile tilting his lips. “They're amazing kids.”

Pride swells in Steve's chest; he slides his arms around Eddie's waist and says, “They are.”

“And I'm pretty damn honored I get to be part of their lives,” Eddie says, “so thank you,” and he butts his head gently against Steve's.

Steve huffs and slides his hands up Eddie's back, pulling him into a tight embrace. “I love you.” He presses a kiss to Eddie's neck.

“I love you too.”

“And they both love you as well.”

Eddie lets out a shuddering breath. Steve knows how nervous Eddie was, when they started dating, that he wouldn't be welcomed, but it's almost like he's always been part of their family now. “Good to know,"”Eddie says.

Steve holds Eddie a little tighter. All those years ago, back in Hawkins, when they ended things, Steve thought he'd never see Eddie again. But here they are, together—a family—and Steve's never letting him go this time.

#Steddie #Steve x eddie #Steddie fic #Steddie fanfic #this is soooooo sappy I’m sorry 😫 #anyway I don’t have names for Steve’s kids yet lol #but his son is bi too #his daughter is more like him otherwise though #also Steve takes a while to accept his sexuality so he’s only just come out to his kids because I like stories like that #even though I know some ppl in this fandom have found them offensive?? #but yeah when he comes out his son gets upset because he then feels like he can’t come out without it being weird haha #and Steve is like what??? no??? when he eventually tells him #(I watched a lot of soap operas growing up :P sometimes it comes out in my writing lol) #that’s why I’ll probably never write this fic but it’s fun to dabble in the verse #pizzaqueenfic #pizzaqueenwrites #tsofverse

[wispscribbles]

Inspirered by art I saw from @sparky-draws and also this fic, I decided to do some ghoap warrior cats designs of my own 🐱

#ghostsoap #soapghost #my art #cod warrior cats au #doodle #check out those folks and their work!! it’s lovely #yea I was a warriors kid #feel free to use these designs if u wanna draw ghoap cats #I doubt I’ll draw them again as I’ve drawn enough cats for a lifetime lol #soaps design might be my fav cat design I’ve ever done he’s so skrunkly #(elm is often associated w the underworld in mythology which I feel fits Ghost’s vibe) #(but actually it��s just so soap can call him Elm tree (Lt.) bc I am silly)