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pianostarinwonderland · 2 years

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Chapter 6 Thoughts

Finally finished chapter 6 after a busy weekend 😩 I'm planning to make a more well-thought out post regarding certain aspects of ch6 later, but for now, I want to list down everything I love about this update and probably the whole chapter overall. It also serves to answer a few asks in my inbox all at once HAHAHAHA This post is gonna be very messy, just to let you know, but I’ll write something more comprehensive eventually.

EN players and JP players who have yet to pass the time gates, I advise you to scroll past this post or read at your own discretion. This contains spoilers for Chapter 6 and alludes to other events not released in the EN version.

Firstly, about the gameplay, I may be in the minority for saying this, but I really like that they limit your cards and leave you without a support for 6-66 and 67. Main story was always easy on the battles, so learning about buddies, stats, etc about the different cards was always seen as a tests/exams thing with the only rewards there being madol/thaumarks and exam coins, so most people didn’t super care about it. As someone who really levels up the cards to get higher scores in the tests, it was really gratifying to see all that hard work finally paying off in main story. Lowkey gave me a power trip on everyone else struggling to bypass the battles 😂

Ngl at first, I thought we were supposed to clear all the points 😭 so I didn’t care about getting the right box until I clicked a box that cleared the chapter before I cleared the other points. I wish I didn’t know about it because it definitely made clicking on boxes less irritating hfhjhjsghkhjkgsdg

I absolutely love how we get to see character development of the OB boys?? It's something that I was really hoping for in ch6 since the boys are taken to an unfamiliar place.

Regarding that, I do like how NRC boys could just . talk about other things while in dangerous situations HAHAHA it was like this too in Halloween 2 😭 when there's nothing happening, they somehow get into conversations, like,, how LMAO most media would have their characters talk something about the situation or remain quiet. But these boys are really chatty and talk like the world is not about to get reseted or something

Starting with Pomefiore, the revelation about Rook being from Savanaclaw originally was a bomb I didn't expect but wasn't surprised about. I think it was more common to hear about it in 2020, but a lot of people were curious about Rook and Leona's relationship with each other. They mainly noted that Rook pursues Leona and the latter expresses much disdain for him. Then there was also the fact that Rook and Leona (and Ruggie) hailed from the same country. While country doesn't necessarily determine what dorm you'll be sorted in (see: all Shaftlands/Pyroxene boys in three different dorms), it did make people curious back then. So I do like that TWST (unintentionally) answered those speculations

AND LONG HAIRED FIRST YEAR ROOK IS ACTUALLY CANON,,, all long haired Rook artists and lovers rejoice for your headcanons and wishes are now canon. Now we wait for Lilia /hj

I do like though that Rook in his first year was kinda meh about his own appearance mostly because I was the same when I was around 15-16. Like, why do I have to care about the clothes I wear as long as I'm comfy in them? 🤡 Maybe the shirt looks kiddy but I mean, it shouldn't matter so much 😭 But it really is worth beautifying your wardrobe and learning to value your own beauty just as much as you value others. It makes me happy to see a bit of myself in Rook.

Vil seems a lot more expressive now than he was in chapter 5 🥺 I think it might be because he has to keep up the image of being a leader figure in VDC, but he feels much more approachable with how he doesn't seem to care as much about looking professional.

There was one part where Vil and Rook would tell Epel to stand back, and obvs Epel at first took this as “are you saying I’m weak?” But then Vil and Rook said it’s because they trust him to have their backs, and it’s like 😭 FUCK THAT’S SO CUTE,,,, THE WAY THAT THIS SHOWS EPEL’S GROWTH BECAUSE NOW HE CAN BE RELIED ON BY HIS SENIORS........ I think this is also a cute allusion to Dorm Vil’s and Dorm Rook’s buddies, specifically the fact that they both have Epel as a buddy— Dorm Vil has Epel giving him an ATK M boost, while Dorm Rook has Epel giving him a HP M boost. Notice how it’s an M (medium) boost and not an S (small) boost 😭 they really can trust Epel by that much,,,

Now for Leona and Jamil, hooooo boy, I really like this one and do wish to discuss this in depth in another post because Leona essentially humbled Jamil brutally. Jamil was trying to protect Leona because he’s a prince and all, but at some point, he got pissed off at Jamil for getting in the way. I love how Leona pretty much compared Jamil to Riddle and Azul, saying that the latter two are in a much different league than Jamil. Riddle has book smarts and amazing magical power, not to mention a killer UM, and Azul is quick on his feet and works really hard to get to where he is now, but Jamil just goes "if only I could use my full potential" while blaming others for his setbacks. He even points out that Kalim has something that Jamil doesn’t, which is money (much to Jamil’s surprise). Sure, he isn’t the smartest, but he’s generous, and he’s going to inherit a very successful business

Then he points out that Ruggie and Jack know when to listen to him to survive. Ruggie obvs follows Leona because it’s his best chance at surviving in NRC, and Jack, while strong, is young so he knows when to listen to older people such as Leona

I just like that the overall lesson he’s telling Jamil is that he isn’t the strongest person, and he needs to know when he isn’t the strongest, and he shouldn’t blame others for his setbacks. It’s essential for Jamil’s growth, but it also shows Leona’s own growth, considering that what Lilia said to Leona back in ch2 that triggered his overblot was also along the lines of Leona being slothful but blaming others for everything wrong that happens.

While it gets annoying to get the wrong box in 6-66 (and 6-67), I found the boxes where Leona just opens all of a sudden and Jamil going “what the FUCK are you DOING LEONA” really really funny like 😂

Now hoooo boy I LOVE AZUL AND RIDDLE'S INTERACTIONS SO MUCH;;;;;; I'm biased because I tunnel vision for Azul and Riddle is top 2 for me, but the way that both of them were written in this chapter is so chef’s kisses

I really like the way Riddle was written. He still has that sort of “I’m right, so you need to follow me” mindset and I like that because it shows that while he is making the effort to change, his personality at his core is solid enough that it’s not going to change that much. While his lacking knowledge regarding social cues is already a bit obvious when inferring from his upbringing, it’s really emphasized in 6-66, particularly when Azul was angry about being told to ‘stand back’ and said something like “hey I know someone like me who shifts from 2nd to 10th place in rankings can’t be seen as a rival b u t” and he wanted to be seen as equals but Riddle took that literally,, , and then he’s like “oh so you’re trying to compete with me?!”

Eventually he clarified in 6-67 as to why he doesn’t want Azul to get hurt which,,, IS HONESTLY SO CUTE ?? ?/ LIKE ,, SURE IT’S BECAUSE HE’D END UP PROBABLY BREAKING THE LAW TO GIVE TREATMENT TO AZUL BUT HE STILL CARES 😭 not to mention that Riddle even pointed out that he WOULD break the law to help Azul, like it was out of the question that he’d leave him behind to go ahead, he WOULD make sure Azul is ok 😭 besties it hurts because AzuRido was one of my first Twst ships and it’s still a cute ship till now. But this also really shows that Riddle still needs to learn a lot about social cues + proper communication xD he didn’t think that it could be taken the wrong way

THE PART WHERE AZUL GOT ANGRY AT RIDDLE ,,, bitch that hurt a lot. Like, Riddle going “if you didn’t waste time on Mostro Lounge, helping out other students, etc, you’d have a chance at first”, bestie Riddle I love you but what the fuck? I kinda felt the sting because at the time I was reading that, I was mulling over how I hadn’t been trying hard enough in the things that I do or want to pursue so I end up being the kind of person that I’m not content with. But it also just,, really fucking hurts to be told that your passion is a waste of time, and we all know how much Azul works so hard in everything he does 😭 his insecurities coming out when he got angry really tugged me badly. It was 2am when I read that part and I wanted to cry lmao

WHEN HE LAUGHED THOUGH . when he laughed .. oaoghuooHOHOFAHOHSGOSAOHAOGHOASH WHEN HE LAUGHED AND SOUNDED SO MIRTHFUL AND AND AND AND . .... passes the fuck away

I do love the lore dump about Ariel and transformation potions! Ariel went to the Sunshine Lands, so she set up the mermaid boot camp facility there. Transformation potions also now last from a week to 10 days, and the mermaid boot camp facility provides them,,, for free, ,, , , like shit dude, that’s a big ass steal.

GOD WHEN AZUL MIMICKED FLOYD’S VOICE THOUGH ,,,, , the fucking DROLL???? God I’m not your strongest soldier I am down on the ground

Azul started magic at 8 yrs old 👁 Riddle started his studies at 3,,, , yummy yummy yummy

AND WHEN AZUL FELL ASLEEP ON RIDDLE’S SHOULDER;;;; LIKE BYE I ALWAYS IDNULGED MYSELF WITH THE IDEA OF AZUL SLEEPING ON MY SHOULDER OUT OF EXHAUSTION but fuck,, they made Azul sleeping on someone’s shoulder canon, not caring about who it is,,,,,, God send help

idk man, this whole part really just made Azul feel more relatable. Ch3 and even ch4 to an extent, he was mostly scheming and smarmy and smirky and that’s hot shit sure but HIM BEING SO,,, LIKE, GETTING ANGRY OVER A REMARK THAT MADE YOU FEEL INSECURE, LAUGHING GENUINELY, SLEEPING ON SOMEONE’S SHOULDER...... besties I feasted so much this chapter, I am so fucking FULL

I actually really like Idia’s OB design!! He seems to have designed it himself given that he’s willingly doing it, which is really interesting to learn 👁 some people were saying that they don’t like it because he doesn’t look like Hades but .. none of the OBs were meant to look like their villain counterparts?? nKSNKDGKSNG and not to mention that Idia’s face resembled Hades a lot. If we’re talking about outfits, though, again, OB designs would more likely shape themselves according to the person overblotting rather than think about the villain inspiration. If anything, Ortho’s the one wearing Hades’ toga.

I JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS,,,, IDIA’S UM CHANT IS THE BEST ONE SO FAR ??? “Game, set, match, Gate to Underworld” that is so sexy like ??? the alliteration of game and gate, and there was this musicality to those words, like you’re saying a poem out loud. It sounds so badass too. Like a final boss line (which knowing Idia, he’d definitely do that)

Shoutout to Riddle and Azul for being the funniest duo on earth: “You drive this chariot, I don’t have a license” “BITCH I DON’T HAVE A LICENSE EITHER ????” “I should have enrolled into driving school if I knew this was gonna happen” “IS THIS THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT NOW ??????”

Also “wtf why are you taking the risky option??” “well you know this is the best option anyway” “ok yeah you’re right, if anything happens to us, our seniors are there anyway 🥰”

Anyway I still can’t believe Azul actually drove a chariot (and successfully too)

It was a good thing too that he was driving because Riddle fainted from using all his power and being exposed briefly to the underworld 😔 it’s so funny of Azul to just think “ok this guy’s gonna use all his power, so I’m just gonna hold back a bit because it’s gonna be enough <3″ and it turned out to be a really good decision or we’d be finding two old people

Riddle with white hair was really cute. It reminded me of the white rabbit, and with how he nearly fell into the underworld (kinda like falling into a hole), the allusion seems stronger. I also saw some tweets on Twitter suggesting that it could symbolize Riddle starting out with a blank slate to become his own person and not just someone following his mom, which is pretty interesting 👁👄👁 kinda matches well with the white rabbit idea since it’s “falling to wonderland” or “heading to an unknown place”

I find it funny how Leona and Jamil just . took the time to analyze why Azul was able to not faint/fall to the underworld from fighting Ortho. but hey it worked for them, they didn’t put too much power into it and they came out well

I love how Vil was just like “I need Idia to come out alive so that he can close this damn gate and fix everything” and then said that he Will make Idia do all of that NRC style, aka “the weak must obey the strong”

VIL FINALLY GOT TO BE THE HERO THAT HE WANTED TO BE 😭 GO QUEEN, SLAYYYYYY. You may not have been casted as a hero in a movie, but you saved the world in real time, and I think that’s even better

I really just like how even in OB, Idia was still talking about the idea of who’s hero and who’s villain while Vil was just like “we’re just classmates fighting and for the record, I’M standing till the end”

When Vil jumped to pull Idia, Ortho, and Grim out of the underworld, idk, something about that just made me go 👁👄👁 there’s something mesmerizing about someone catching someone else as they fall from a very tall height. Even if it’s to make sure Idia’s alive to close the gate, Vil really just,, that was so noble of him

IDIA JUMPING TO GO WITH ORTHO THOUGH 😭 like holy fucking fuck, I don’t know what to say... I think that moment speaks for itself.

Vil being Hercules and Idia being Megara... damn, it kinda makes sense. Vil-Hercules for the hero thing, and Idia-Megara for the reason that they’re trapped by the underworld to an extent

THE FLASHBACK HONESTLY . it was expected, but it did hurt 😭 being a witness to someone’s death was one thing, but being the indirect cause of someone’s death is just,,, Idia was just a child then. That shit would be traumatizing

Whoever voiced child Idia’s cries, good job but also fuck you. When he was showing off AI Ortho and then going from laughter to crying ?? I think that’s where my heart truly broke. That was genuinely so painful to listen to.

Maybe I’m being delusional, but the way Idia broke down over losing Ortho reminded me of how Azul broke down when his contracts were dusted. There was that plea from them going “give it all back” (give Ortho back; give Azul’s power back). And then they reassure themselves that they could fix their problems.

I... I really like how the overall problem for Idia and Ortho was that they just wanted to live like everyone else, but because they were born into the Shroud family, they, Idia in particular, had their lives planned out for them at the start. I think Hades in the myths was like that??

The part where real Ortho’s soul talks to Idia..... his face being fully revealed, when he said “please continue to live, make our dream of going on an adventure come true”, when Idia was shouting for Ortho’s name at the end........ wow thank goodness that I can’t understand anything or I’d be crying onions

The way Idia was saying that with all the damages he has to fix, he’d have to drop out possibly, but literally None of them letting him go xDD true NRC students

When he revived Ortho again,,, and he had a heart this time,,,,,, I really like how he was resurrected and not at the same time. Like real Ortho will be gone no matter what, but his soul will still live on through his robot self. Kokoro was also playing in my head during that scene 😂

OLD MAN VIL “I’M 18″ SCHOENHEIT IS SO FUNNY. Best content is seeing him cry for 3 hours straight about how he wanted to be casted as a middle aged man someday then calming down only to cry again when Jack went “wait who’s this old man”

Vil’s kyaaaa when Malleus managed to turn him back to his 18-year old self was so pure. 😭 I’m so happy for him

RAMSHACKLE UPGRADE KINDA 💅 we are now material gworls

I find it funny how they couldn’t upgrade our room bskbdgjsndgksd like it’s still the same even after how much Charon trashed it?? At least Vil was kind enough to give us projection mapping to make it look pretty HAHHAHHA

ORTHO BABY,,,, ORTHO BABY IS NOW A FIRST YEAR !!!!!!! I’M SO HAPPY THAT HE FINALLY GETS TO STUDY IN SCHOOL LSGJSDLGSDKGLSJLSJSK YES ORTHO YOU’RE A REAL BOY ENJOY NRC LIFE UEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUE BABYBABYBABYBABYBABY I CAN FINALLY SAY I HAVE A FAVORITE FIRST YEAR AND IT’S ORTHO 😭

AND HE HAS A NEW UNIFORM CARDDDDD uwehhhhh his lines are so cute, and his story !!! him choosing a club !!!! and and and his profile change!!!! He chose Vil’s club 😭 Vil made that much of an impact in his life. I heard that the story seems to be longer than some SSRs though, which is . well d a m n

Chapter 7 seems to be really spicy 👁👄👁 from Lilia talking about how people are weak but they intertwine together and create a strong presence in history, Malleus mulling over those words, to Mickey saying that he saw “a mysterious silver-haired boy” on his side of the mirror (not his room, though), which implies that it’s Silver and bringing up the possibility of him traveling to people’s dreams or him being from the same world as we are since Grim can’t see Mickey and vice versa....... oooooonga boonga ch7 is gonna serve us so well

Overall, I think chapter 6 had the excellent pacing and writing that ch3 and 4 had. They wrote every character so well, and the wait for Idia and Ortho was absolutely worth it. This might be the new fan favorite chapter actually, and it sets the bar very high for Diasomnia. Good job Twst. Thank you for serving us a very good story.

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst jp #twst spoilers

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peabrainedraccoonlady · 2 years

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A Look into Gotham Rogue Designs

Part 8: Harleen Quinzel aka Harley Quinn

Ok. So this is going to be difficult. Throughout the days of old comic books and old media, Harley, Ivy, and Selina were kind of sexualized with their costumes. Now their costumes make a bit more sense to their character but back then it was made as a way to sell more comics to guys. A good example of advertising more to guys than others in more "geeky" interests is The UK Playstation 2 Magazines. They started to appeal to the LADS in around the 2000s. Babes, intimate times, and video games with bobs! When the market started to be picked up by a more diverse audience and the magazine went back to normal.

Now the 'sexy designs' are dulled down a bit. A bit. They still dress how their character would dress of course.

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Now this is a difficult situation to talk about because of two things.

1. I'm not a huge fan of Harley Quinn as I am a huge fan of Riddler.

And

2. The designs are usually very bad.

Harley is very different and interesting because of her origins. She first appeared in Batman the Animated Series as a way to give Joker a side kick. (There was a side kick before Harl unfortunately called Gaggy or Gagsworth G Gagworthy who was so unpopular that he was killed off.)

The original design was very Harlequin inspired. The ruffles on the neck and wrists are very similar to those designs for harlequin dolls.

This was also the time where the hints of Ivy and Harley being lesbians started to come to light. Saying that it's also where the most disturbing and disgusting part of any Batman media started to come out.

The Toxic relationship between Joker and Harley.

This relationship happened on and off depending on the type of Joker. Sometimes it's ignoring her but sometimes it'll escalate to straight up domestic abuse. And I think that's why Harley became more popular when she started going solo. Teaming up with other villains than Joker.

Anyways. Lego. We all love a good Lego Harley. And Lego Batman doesn't fail in this lane.

Keeping the classic Harley design and colors was always fun considering that it was timeless.

Here's where it gets difficult.

I love the Arkham games. I do. However I hate the designs of the girls.

Arkham Asylum has this Harley which I hate violently. The only good side is the make up.

Then Arkham Knight had this Harley and I also hate it. This is Harley Quinn but Gotham is cold. Why would a woman expose her freshly made muffins in cold weather?

Now Batman: Assault on Arkham Harley isn't that bad. This is a very updated classic Harley and I respect that.

Then Suicide Squad happened. And I'm not the biggest fan of it. Sure, she's crazy with her wardrobe but I honestly don't think shes comfortable in any of the clothes she's in.

Yes, she's interesting to see but sometimes she just looks uncomfortable.

This design is also used in the Harley Quinn show. Which isn't that bad. Not absolutely spectacular but good.

The design is also spliced and used in video games like Injustice. I've never played Injustice cause I'm not that much of someone who grabs a bunch of arcade fighting games, so I can't say a lot about this one.

This Lego Harley is honestly one of my favorite lego designs, she has a similar style to the Lego Batman Movie Harley. Her goth vibes just tie this all together as well.

Let's play a game.

Who Is This Character?

NO YOU'RE ALL WRONG. IT'S NOT A HARLEY.

This is Echo. She's the stand in for Harley in the Gotham show.

This obviously isn't Harley but I wanted to include her since shes a stand in for Harley. The design is absolutely horrible. I hate the makeup, the hair, even the costume as a whole. I know she's supposed to be insane and this is how she dressed herself but honestly, she looks as if a three year old dressed her.

Look at other insane characters like Jonathan or Jervis or even Jeremiah and Jerome! They are all absolutely NUTS! But their outfits aren't ripped from an old Halloween costume.

Her costume does reference her original design and I actually like that but that doesn't excuse it being one of the worst "Harleys" here.

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Now then, I can understand why some peeps like Harley. She's a great character if done right. Does it mean her designs can be better? Yeah. Again, sorry for the unfortunate things about not only her but the other Gotham Girls designs but it's history.

Next up! An oldie but a interesting oldie. You've heard if Captain Planet but have you heard of Planet Master!?

#batman #batman rogues #gotham rogues #harley quinn

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girlmeetsliv3 · 4 years

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Violent Delights: One

Violent Delights

(In collaboration with @jooniescupcakes)

Genre: Horror, Suspense, & Psychological Thriller

Pairings: Gang!Jimin x reader ; BTS x Reader

Sypnosis:“These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume.”

Release Date: Sept 29, 2020 @ 8 p.m. (GMT-4)

Word Count: 9.2k

Author's Note: It's finally here! Almost a year in the works, but Violent Delights The Series is finally kicking off. Thank you for all the love, support, as well as critiques the one-shot received. I hope this re-telling can both capture and surpass the twisted charm of the original. I would like to thank Min (@jooniescupcakes) for helping me outline and plot the story and for contributing. I greatly appreciate it. This story will be darker, gore-y, and a lot more twisted than the original. So strap in & happy early Halloween! Trigger Warning: This story contains subject matter not appropriate for all ages. This story contains mental illness, emotional, physical, and mental abuse; as well as abuse of power, manipulation, and toxic relationships. All of which play a big part in this story. It is never my intention to sensationalize or spread misinformation about mental disorders, please take the "medicine" used in this story with a grain of salt. Links to helplines can be found in the navigation of my blog. Lastly, this is a work of fiction and does not portray the character of Bangtan Sonyeondan.

The door slammed shut harshly as Hanbin rushed to bolt it locked, by his side, he tugged an inconsolable YN through the small house. There was very little time until she arrived. He maneuvered his way through the piles of old dirty clothes, the children had long become accustomed to the stench coming from the kitchen, the dust, and grime that covered their home. It’s why no one came over. Not that anyone was allowed over. In the center of the room framed on the wall shined a family portrait mockingly. Hanbin was short for his age, just eight years old, but it allowed him to navigate through small openings and hide in tight spaces. It was a survival tactic.

“Shh, YN. You need to calm down. She’ll be here soon.”

“i-I wuh-wanted to help, Binnie. She was hurt -”

Hanbin pulled on his sister a little too harshly trying to draw her attention, it caused her lower lip to quiver as she tried to hold the tears back. That wouldn’t do she didn’t like it when they cried. “Helping people only gets you into trouble.” Outside, the slamming of a car door could be heard. Quickly Hanbin located the small broom closet and helped YN inside. The jiggling of the doorknob was barely above a whisper, but it rang as loud as the fire alarm in the children’s heads. YN began to hyperventilate knowing what was coming even if she didn’t truly understand why.

“It’s okay,” Hanbin rubs her cheek affectionately. “Just stay inside, be quiet, and don’t try to help.” Just like that he closed the door and locked it. He silently hoped YN hadn’t skipped lunch that day. YN cowered under the old headboards, her only company the dusty cleaning products and cobwebs, the second the screaming started she covered her ears and closed her eyes.

“Miss YN?” The nurse’s bright pink scrubs served as a strong contrast to the muted tones of the rest of the building. YN cast a glance around she was likely the youngest person there, but everyone around her shared a similar air of ennui that YN had long grown to associate with doctor’s offices. Slowly she stood up following the nurse as she guided her through what appeared to be an endless labyrinth of doors. After stopping abruptly the nurse turns around and smiles though it’s evidently rehearsed. “Don’t be nervous, Dr. Kang is one of the best doctors here.” How many times hadn’t she heard that before? YN offers the nurse a smile making sure it is wide enough to crinkle the corners of her eyes. That seems to suffice the woman enough for her to finally knock on the door.

Dr. Kang Daniel was certainly young for his profession, but that provided some relief for YN. It would be nice not to spend almost an hour with someone that looked to have been around when Freud was. “Please take a seat.” He gestures over to a chair in front of the desk and YN notices there is little decoration around the room. It’s also missing a clock, but thankfully she sees Kang is wearing one. YN notes the time: 5:36 pm. Forty-three more minutes to go.

“I apologize that we’re going to have to go through all of this, but its procedure.” He lightly shakes the file in his hand. Most doctors operated digitally now, so that stood out.

“It’s fine.”

“Let’s get to it then. Why are you here YN?”

They went over the usual things and YN was quickly growing a bit bored, her eyes danced around the room as she did find it very strange that it seemed so vacant for a personal office. “Bored?” Her eyes snapped back to his, Kang wearing an unreadable expression. “I apologize for the lack of decor. I recently moved offices, so this will be my last day here.” YN frowned, “I thought I was to be your new patient.” Kang nods, “Yes, but our sessions will be held in my consultation. It’s closer to downtown so you might save yourself the trip.” How does he know I live closer to downtown? Perhaps seeing the further furrowing of her brow Kang speaks once more. “Unless you live far from downtown?” YN shakes her head feeling the tension leave her body just a bit.

Slowly he closes the file and leans forward, resting on his elbows. “I know this isn’t the most comfortable environment. I also know how jarring transfers can be and that they can halt any sort of process…” YN zones out of the conversation having heard it a thousand times since she was eleven years old. The rambling tends to have the same conclusion every single time.

‘I want us to be friends.’

“I want us to be friends or something similar. I know there are some barriers and guidelines in our relationship, but don’t think they aren’t malleable. I’m here if you need me.”

YN mulls over what might serve as an appropriate response, aware that taking too long might ruin the pseudo-friendly atmosphere and she doesn’t want to have any more problems with psychiatrists. “Thank you, Dr. Kang. I’m sorry I’m just a bit nervous.” The sheepish smile that follows afterward is enough to convince Kang. Perhaps he isn’t a bad man but YN has encountered his type far too often: those striving to make a difference. Always trying to make things better. Always trying to help.

“No one will help us, YN. No one cares about us.”

“So let’s move onto your family YN -”

“Actually I wanted to ask you about my medication.” Kang seemed surprised at her interruption but encouraged her to continue. “Dr. Lee only gave me enough medication to last the transfer, so I’m almost out.”

“That won’t be a problem. I’ll be taking you off the medication for a short time anyway.” What? Kang’s attention was now on his computer, not bothering to look at YN in the eye. “I need to run some tests and in order to do that your system has to be clean.”

YN hadn’t been off her medication for a long time. Sure the dosage varied depending on the treatment, but going completely off was unheard of. Especially so soon. “Don’t worry,” Kang smiled. “There shouldn’t be any potential side effects and if there is I’ll give you my private number. In case of emergencies.” What was supposed to be a soothing smile only unnerved YN even more. YN nodded once more though she felt her anxiety begin to swell up in her stomach. Her heart rate speeding up, but YN knew a panic attack wouldn’t do her any favors. It would make her look like an addict and they would lock her up for sure. It’s only a matter of time. Now that the issue had been cleared Kang cleared his throat, “Now what I was saying about your family -”

YN stood up abruptly thankful the minute hand had finally landed one above the four. “It’s 6:19 our time is up.” She gestures towards his wristwatch and an annoyed look masks his face before it went just as quickly as it came. “It appears so.” His hand covers the watch in a motion that could hardly be described as casual. Kang waves her off, “It was a pleasure meeting you, YN. I’ll schedule the tests for Friday and I’ll see you Wednesday.”

“In other news….updates...gang violence…”

YN wandered through the aisles looking for inspiration or something to satisfy her cravings. In her hand lay open her phone just so she wouldn’t have to keep making eye contact with the older woman behind the cash register. The employee peered at her as if YN was one of the dangerous criminals the news anchors droned on about. YN keeps looking over the message her social worker sent her: you have to be there at least a month before I could put in a transfer request. When YN bent down to read the label, she felt the woman lean over the counter. YN rolled her eyes and picked up the packaged bulgogi before grabbing a sports drink and a small fruit salad.

Once she saw YN was an actual paying customer, not a shoplifter, the woman’s expression changed. Her smile far too gleeful for this time of night. “Will that be all, dear?” Her voice too high to be sincere. Nonetheless, YN nods and forces a polite smile on her face. Even wishes the woman a safe night for extra measure. Before YN could walk out of the store, the woman responds with her own form of goodnight. “I would be careful walking home tonight. There’s been a lot of crime recently.”

It is a bit cruel that the second YN exits the store and turns a corner someone begins to follow her. She becomes aware of it instantly, her senses having been trained from a young age to pick up on the small imperceptible changes. Instinct was not to be ignored. The wind became thicker and the streets a little too quiet. YN wouldn’t look up, but if she did, surely there would be storm clouds looming. Don’t acknowledge him. Just keep walking. People like that enjoyed prey. The game. No one wanted to face off against a predator being one. Unless this was a different kind of predator then YN really ought to call the police. For once she was thankful for the pocketknife stored in the inner pocket of her jacket but disappointed that her pepper spray remained stashed in her bag.

Her groceries hung heavy on her arm, but YN was too far from home to attempt to sprint. So she would have to wait it out, YN could take a few punches. Surely whoever it was would become tired after following her for too long. By the time YN had walked ten blocks, she realized that was not the case. The person was still behind her, though there wasn’t much that she could tell much about the person. They were likely taller and considering their persistence they were a threat.

YN could pick up distantly on the booming bass that likely came from one of the many clubs scattered downtown. It meant she was near her house, that she could likely get home. The houses looked familiar she was probably not too far from home. Hope began to swell in her chest until another idea dawned on her. That’s exactly what they want. If the person had followed her this far they wanted to see where she lived. Abruptly YN turned left towards the direction of the main street, she was likely in a back alley of some sort but the bass only got louder so that helped propel her forward.

Towards the center of the alley, YN saw three figures huddled over on the ground. She was too far off to hear what they were saying, but based on their movements it seemed mocking in nature. YN wasn’t able to decipher what was occurring until it was far too late. A man is wriggling on the ground while bleeding profusely from the side of his head while two men stand above him. Blood is spattered on both walls and their clothes are covered in it. There no longer was a presence behind her the real danger now lay in front. In the form of a tall raven-haired man and a slightly shorter blonde - the latter of which YN made eye contact with.

YN bolts down the alleyway in the opposite direction aware that the blonde is hot on her tails. As she rounds a corner she feels him catching up to her right on her before he abruptly slows down. He doesn’t want the chase to end.

56...57...58…

YN counts the streets aware she’s nearing her apartment but isn’t about to lead him straight to her doorstep. In her peripheral, she sees one of the neighboring buildings which contains a doorman stationed there twenty-four hours. YN uses the last bit of her strength to push through the glass doors tumbling at the steps, but the doorman is there to catch her. ��Miss, is everything alright?” YN turns around to catch a glimpse, but there’s no one behind her. Though she does note something disappointing: her groceries are gone.

When YN unlocked her apartment door she felt this immediate wave of tranquility hit her. It had taken a while to convince the doorman not to contact the police, she didn't want to be in bigger trouble, but the man had finally agreed after stating he would walk her back home. Once in the lobby, she took the stairs just to be safe. Quickly, she turned around securing all three locks, and headed straight for the bathroom. YN never understood the sentiment behind showers helping unwind, then again she never spent enough time under the water to allow for that. Baths weren't a treat - they were a utility. Like most utilities YN didn't have a lot of available growing up, so she learned to adapt.

Still, it was long enough to let her mind wander to everything that had occurred today. YN wasn't quite sure about how she felt about Dr. Kang, he unnerved her in a way other doctor's hadn't before. Then there was the issue regarding her medication: YN hadn't been unmedicated since she was eleven and that was a time she didn't want to go back to. Then there was the person that may have followed her and the man that definitely did. My head hurts. She rinsed herself and shut the water off, drying herself quickly with her towel. The chase had been real, too real, everything in YN's body had reacted instinctively once she met his eyes. Those dark eyes that had pierced into hers. The blonde man wasn't just chasing YN - he was hunting her down.

But what about the other person? YN hadn’t seen them, but she had felt them trailing after her. However, why would someone do that and especially for so long? The blonde man had only really tracked YN down for two blocks, but even then it felt shorter. The other person simply observed her. Didn’t do anything. Was there even someone there? YN glanced up, catching her reflection in the foggy mirror. The mist had dispersed in some sections, but not others so the only thing she could see were parts of her face. Faltering in her step, she walked forward and pulled the mirror open. Grabbing the white-labeled bottle with her name printed on it.

Habin sits atop the bathroom sink balancing himself. One of his hands gripping tightly to the side to not slip. This has to be done quickly before she gets back from the store. YN holds his legs or attempts to, while Habin finally manages to grab the bottle. “Is it this one?” He sticks his hand out for YN to see. The young girl squints her eyes, “Are they blue and little?” Hanbin looks through the orange tint of the bottle before nodding. “I think so.”

“Do they smell like fruits?”

“I can’t open the bottle YN. I don’t know if they smell like fruit.”

YN nods and Habin notes how hollowed out her face has become. Once round and plump, full of life, now looks as frail as his. “I think those are the ones.” Habin closes the medicine cabinet and cautiously jumps off, the medicine bottle still tight in his hands. “Why does she give them to you?” YN can note the confusion in her brother’s face, she was confused before too. “She says I need them to go to sleep. They help me sleep.” Habin stays quiet before in the blink of an eye he throws the pill bottle against the wall, breaking the seal causing all the pills to spill all over the floor.

“Bin why did you do that?! I need -”

“No! You don’t need anything YN. You aren’t sick, she's just lying to you!” Habin screamed in frustration. He could see the tears starting to well up in YN’s eyes and he felt regret pool in his stomach. “Please YN. You aren’t sick. We aren’t sick. Okay?”

YN took a deep breath, the way her brother had shown her would help stop the tears, the inside of her cheek was bitten harshly until her throat cleared up. “Okay.”

YN looks at the white bottle in her hand considering taking the medicine despite what Kang said. It would just be one more. Just to calm her down. To make sure that what happened tonight wasn't a side effect of going off so quickly. Her hand twisted the bottle cap, but instead of grabbing one and placing it in her mouth, she headed towards the toilet flushing them all away. Though she might not agree with his treatment plans Dr.Kang was a professional and surely knew more than she did. Plus, YN couldn't afford to be transferred again; her social worker might drop her altogether. It’s just until the blood work is completed.

“Unfortunately Miss YN, we won’t be able to conduct any tests until your insurance approves it.”

YN paces around her apartment, phone in hand. “I understand but my doctor ordered it. It’s necessary in order for him to treat me.”

“It appears that the necessary paperwork hasn’t been sent over to the insurance company. At least not enough to justify the exams. You can go through with them, but it will have to be out of pocket.”

YN sighs, running her hand through her hair as the nurse lists off the prices for each exam. A knock disrupts her causing YN to glance at the door questioningly, no one in her building would ever knock on her door. Looking through the peephole, she sees the manager and doesn't know if that makes her relieved or tenser. "I'm sorry can you just give me a minute?" YN speaks to the phone and mutes it, just to be safe. Upon opening the door, a brown bag is shoved in her face.

“Sorry to interrupt dear, some boy left this for you downstairs.”

Just as quickly as he came, the manager leaves. YN quickly shuts the door and locks it, before hanging up the call. The bag looks simple enough though YN hadn’t ordered anything in the past couple of days. Cautiously she opens it and the horror that spreads through her body is instantaneous. In the bag are her groceries from last night, but with minor changes: The red energy drink is now blue, the fruit salad is replaced with regular salad, and instead of bulgogi it is kimchi now. Though it isn’t the food that upsets YN, but rather the pink sticky note placed on top.

To replace everything you lost ;)

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Staying locked inside her apartment for the following days seemed like a smart choice. There was someone out there who knew where she lived. What she looked like. YN was used to being preyed upon, but this was a different game. Not one she was accustomed to. There were enough faded white lines and healed over bones to evidence that she was a survivor. That time and time again YN had faced against monsters and gotten out alive. The thing that terrified her about this monster - was how different he was. She kept waiting for the tall blonde man to show up one night: looming over her whilst she slept, crouching in a dark corner of the room. Lurking behind the shower curtain.

YN wasn’t able to sleep, didn’t bathe, and had thrice rearranged the room so there was no furniture to hide behind. Her paranoia was through the roof and it didn’t help that it had been the first time YN was off her medication for an extended amount of time. Which was bound to be causing more problems than she was aware of, or would like to acknowledge. The cycle continued until on her fourth day, sick of the grime, YN picked up the phone and dialed Dr.Kang’s office. Hoping to resolve the issue and be back on medication as soon as possible.

“Unfortunately, Dr. Kang isn’t in the office today. However, I can schedule a house call”

She hung up, not even bothering to respond to the secretary on the other line. If YN would have allowed herself a moment to feel anything except for fear - sympathy would've been felt for the probably nice young woman she had just hung up on. Maybe I can just sleep until my next appointment. Sleep it all away. So YN crawled into her bed, the covers lie somewhere on the floor. Exhaustion taking over as she drifted off to sleep.

It should've been easier to tell her childhood room apart from all the ones she had before. It had the most personality; if stickers on the wall, old pencil marks, and deteriorating plaster counted. Most of them hadn't even been done by her, but rather Habin in time before her. It created a sense of normalcy in YN's life that didn't exist elsewhere. Of course, her safe haven didn't last long, the hole in the wall right near the bed frame was proof enough. YN couldn't remember the last time she had dreamt, the medication helped with the nightmares, now she stood curled in a ball in the center of the room. The way she would always get once she heard the heavy footsteps approach the hallway.

YN had long learned to tell the different patter of the weathered old sneakers. Heavy stomps that scraped against the wood meant she was going to be screamed at. Rhythmic ones that were heavier on the heel, than the toes meant they might get dinner. While footsteps that dragged meant YN would be getting ignored. It was the ones she didn't hear. When the hallway was so quiet that all YN could hear was the sound of her breathing and the fear rushing through her tiny body - those were the steps she feared. Those were typically followed by the gentle, yet suspenseful pushing of her bedroom door. It didn't have a knob. There was no escape.

YN expected to peer up and see the tall large figure that always tormented her. The thick thighs, rounded hips, a bulbous stomach that spoke of all the meals she'd had - all the ones her children hadn't - and her face. It was much like YN's though much more feminine, older, and eyes devoid of life. It had always stood out to YN when she was a child, though she was certain that if she were to look in a mirror now YN would be the spitting image of her mother. Instead of her birth giver stood a man.

His face was angular, rounded cheeks, and sharp eyes highlighted by thick brows. His lips appeared full as if they were meant for bright large smiles, but it was obvious from the man’s expression he rarely did. There was something strangely familiar about him. An amalgamation of someone she knew and her own imagination, filling in the blank spaces. He looked like her, yet not at all. Tears welled in her eyes, “Bin?” Then he morphed. Now slightly taller, more weight to his frame. A rounded face with hooded eyes, the corner of his lips were tilted upwards in a way that was full of mirth. Dr. Kang faded as quickly as he came.

Now all she saw was a silhouette. Despite being mostly obscured, she could at least tell it was a man. He was lean yet muscular. His body was sharply defined in a way that seemed deliberate. Facial features were obscured, but YN was certain he was glaring at her in a way that caused goosebumps to rise all over her body. Plump pink lips parted moving slowly, tauntingly, but no sound exited them. Only by the smirk formed afterward could she tell their salacious nature. He stepped forward drawing closer to her, but the way he moved was inhumane. It wasn't a walk. But a predator's crawl towards her. Now he was finally in the light, entirely visible but all YN could focus on was the blonde mop of hair atop his head. When he pounced, she screamed.

YN awoke covered in sweat, her hair matted against her forehead and neck. She could still taste the saltiness of her tears and when she finally managed to breathe a sob tore out. Get out! Get out! Get out! If she remained locked inside her apartment for one more second, YN was going to reach her breaking point. Quickly she hopped in the shower before throwing on the first thing she saw and grabbing her wallet. YN didn’t know where she was headed, but her body acted on its own. Locking the apartment door before racing towards the stairs, dashing down all seven floors with little care if she tripped. Perhaps a silent part of her wished she did, it would put her out of her misery.

The lobby of her apartment building, if it could even be called that, was always empty. Never a soul in sight to guard the door, even though YN was sure part of her rent went towards security. Not to mention the intercom system, which allowed people to be buzzed in, hadn't worked for several weeks. It was something she was always acutely aware of but pushed towards the back of her mind. Wouldn't do her any favors to obsess over something she had no control over. Now walking through the desolate lobby out into the night - it was all she could think about. He was all she could think about.

YN took a deep breath and opened the glass doors sneakily peeking towards the sides and being thankful when she noted nothing great. Now where to? She wouldn't go very far nor somewhere unknown. It was reckless to be out so late and would be a death wish to try and enter city life. Gang violence was on the rise and YN didn't fancy herself prepared to face off against someone. So, YN went to the one place that felt familiar no matter what. The convenience store was a fifteen-minute walk, but she took the bus. The original plan was to sit towards the back, where she could see everything, but it wasn't empty. An elderly woman, far too frail-looking to be out this late, sat in the center. Whilst three boys huddled over sat in the back, they must have felt her eyes on them. As one of them - the one in the black beanie - stopped his conversation and turned slightly. Before they could make eye contact YN looked away and sat down.

“Which one do you want?” Habin asked as they stared at the ice cream truck. He had counted the cents twice making sure they had enough. “Hm,” YN eye’s glanced all over the various images glued onto the truck. She already knew what she wanted but had long learned that taking your time was important - not too much though. “Mint choco.” Habin grimaced, disgust evident on his face. “Come on YN. We have to share it. Why can’t we get something I like for a change?” He whined, it was only ice cream but it was the only food Habin was likely to have all day. “Okay, let’s get chocolate then.” YN didn’t really care, she wasn’t planning on eating. Habin had sacrificed enough meals to feed her, an ice cream was the least she could do.

As she steps into the cold building, a small bell chimed to signal her entrance, alerting a young employee near the cashier.

“Welcome!” The boy smiles, wide and welcoming, handing her a basket,

YN didn’t respond. She walks towards the back, looking for some of her usual snacks, and before long, her basket was filled to the brim with all sorts of colorful foods, and she headed towards the till to pay, grimacing under the weight pulling at her arm. As she pulls out her purse, a soft chime catches her attention, making her glance at the door quickly, before trailing her eyes back. A familiar head of blonde flashes in her mind immediately, and despite herself, she found herself clenching her purse tightly, feeling her palms become clammy with sweat. What were the odds..?

“Is that all?” the cheery voice of the employee breaks her out of her trance as she nods back firmly, unable to push aside the nervous feeling from seeing the person walk in. Quickly weighing the options as she sees him bag all her groceries, she forces the question out before she can stop herself.

“Could you...walk me to the bus station?” Her voice was awkward and tight from keeping quiet most of the day, and she internally winced at the confused expression the other gave her.

“Are you..” he pauses, eyeing her carefully, “is someone trying to hurt you?”

YN doesn’t know what to say. Could she tell him what she saw? Fortunately, she didn’t have to reply. The boy - Kai, as it said on his tag - seemed to assume her pause was a yes. Excusing himself, he disappears behind the counter, and within a moment, hushed voices coming from there. Something was unnerving about standing there alone with the blonde, chilling her to the bone, knowing she was faced away and he could pounce at any moment. As soon as the terrifying thoughts crept in, Kai stepped back out. He takes her bag and silently leads her out the glass doors, warm, still air hitting her face the minute she left the building. They walk side by side silently, and YN could only count her steps as she got closer and closer to the station.

Her steps quicken when she sees the familiar structure, tall gray pillars, and a few large buses waiting. Kai keeps up with her as well, not bothered by the bag that seemed to drag her down, looking around carefully.

“Thank you.”

He smiles, what she initially assumed to be his practiced ‘customer service’ smile seemed a little more genuine now. Or maybe he was just very good at it - she wasn’t sure. She takes back the plastic bag, letting herself get used to the additional weight before turning to board the bus.

“Have a safe trip home!” The boy calls out, making her look back.

YN was expecting to see him with his blinding smile, but something eerier catches her eye. The young employee was standing a few steps away from her, and behind him, dangerously close, was the blonde man from before. Her mouth goes dry as she notices his dark gaze fixated on her hand that held the railing inside, something else in them as he cocked an eyebrow. He almost looked as if he was questioning her, asking what she would do now that he was close, much closer, and positioned to attack the boy. Realizing he must have followed her all the way, she felt her heart rate pick up as she found herself rapidly staring between Kai and the perpetrator, the choices dawning on her. She had to choose to leave Kai behind, or possibly die with him.

She felt her heart drop at the calm expression on the boy's face, not noticing the danger he was in, she knew he was young, but watching him now, she only just realized how young. He was so young, so innocent, with a whole life ahead of him - but because of some unfortunate circumstance, an unforeseeable future, he would have to throw everything away.

But if she stayed for him, so would she. She would have to give up everything she had struggled for, while in any circumstance, the blonde would kill Kai, regardless of whether she chose to stay or not. However, she could spare her own life. She couldn’t convince Kai to get on with her without alarming the man, but she could save her own life. After everything she had gone through, trouble was the last thing YN needed. Even if it meant someone else had to suffer alone, she had to stay safe. She found herself holding back hot tears as she quickly ducked into a lonely seat, refusing to look back, still clenching the cheap plastic in one hand and forcing herself not to look back as the tears freely slid down her cheeks.

‘Helping people only gets you into trouble. You do whatever it takes to survive.’

“They tell me you’ve missed the appointment I had set up.”

YN is noticeably tense as she sits in the blue velvet mid-century, her nails digging into the denim fabric of her jeans. “The insurance wasn’t notified,” her tone was clipped. Lower with a slight tremble to it as if it were about to break, but never really did. “I also needed a referral.” Dr. Kang frowned, glancing back down at the file before looking at YN questioningly. “That’s strange. I told my secretary to handle all the paperwork. I even told Joy to hand you the referral.” Seeing the confused expression on his patient’s face, he shrugged. “My apologies, Joy must have forgotten.” The smile he shoots her is sincere, or at least looks so, YN has no reason to doubt him any further on this matter.

Her posture slackens somewhat but given everything that has happened these past few days she finds it difficult to truly relax. YN feels that she is tethering at the edge of a breakdown, but that if she were to fall it would only make her circumstances worsen. There is something that has been bothering her though, how pacified everything has been as of late. The blonde man knew where she lived, he'd likely overheard her name as well, yet nothing had happened. Even Kang, with his cold calculating eyes, had not commented on her odd behavior the last session or how worse she had seemed to get after only being off her medication for a week. Why can’t I figure them out?

“Unfortunately, I won’t be able to assign you any new medication until I have the results from the bloodwork. However, I do want to know how you’ve been feeling lately.” Kang crossed his legs, leaning forward in his seat. “Have you been experiencing any side effects or withdrawals? Anything I should know about?”

There was a glint in his eyes as he spoke, one that warned YN that he may know more than he lets on. As if the man sitting in front of her was single-handedly responsible for everything that had occurred to her recently. "Normal things…" I am being stalked by a homicidal maniac. “Migraines, low blood pressure…” I keep having vivid flashbacks that only serve to increase my paranoia. “Sometimes I dissociate a bit.” Most importantly, doctor, I had a nightmare where you were about to kill me. “And trouble sleeping.” YN looked towards the ceiling, feigning as if she were in deep thought. “I think that’s it.”

Kang Daniel looked affronted as if she had not given a sufficient enough answer. Hadn't given him the answers he wanted. "I see." His eyes darted towards her hands, which had been tightly intertwined on her lap - immediately she relaxes them. When their eyes meet once more she levels with him. YN knows there is no point in engaging with Kang, that is exactly what he wants. To pry. Dig deep. Learn of all her secrets and who knows what else. He won’t win. I’m safe here. YN had suffered too great a loss yesterday, she was determined to win this game.

“I had time to go over your file YN. There’s a lot to discuss, but I would prefer to dive right in if you don’t mind.”

“I-”

“Very well,” She’d upset him. YN wasn’t even truly aware of what she’d specifically done, but it seemed to matter very little. “It states here you’ve been diagnosed with a personality disorder - at quite a young age too.

“I was ten.” YN’s voice is muted. Her mind blank.

“Do you agree with this diagnosis?” YN shrugs, her eyes move down to the file. She knows what he’s going to say next. Or she can at least predict it: it typically doesn’t vary. No matter how many times she goes through the same process the words and intentions are the same. It isn’t sincere sentiments, but rather rehearsed lies spewed to make her feel better - as if she ever could. No, YN is broken. No fixing her up.

“I don’t. I think you were misdiagnosed.” YN’s eyes widen as they shoot back up to meet Kang’s. “The main reasoning behind this is because of your apparent lack of empathy, but that isn’t true either is it, YN?” Her mouth felt dry, she struggled to swallow the saliva building up. There was a build-up of breath in her lungs which was starting to become painful and she felt her throat tighten. “It’s a survival tactic. An effective one at that - if I may be honest.” So many thoughts were rushing to the forefront of YN’s head. So many memories. Stop. She wanted to scream. Please stop! She felt like she was going to throw up. Kang bent over, his face so close to YN's that she could see how dilated his pupil was: only leaving a sliver of his iris shines through.

Why is he doing this?!

“You feel something YN. It’s okay to feel things. You aren’t with your mother anymore anymore. You aren’t with your brother anymore. You’re safe and I know the next time something happens you’ll do the right thing.”

YN’s eyes were red, brimming with unshed tears as Kang’s words bounced around her head. “Dr. Kang -” She chokes, a sob threatening to escape, but the man doesn’t allow her to finish. “Our time is up. Pick up your referral at Joy’s desk. I will see you on our next appointment.” The smile given is full of sadistic glee.

YN didn’t know how long she had spent wandering around the city. Last she knew she had passed the bus stop and convenience store from last night. If she were smart YN would’ve gone back to her apartment. She didn’t want to though, not trusting herself to be alone. It had been mid-afternoon when she had left Kang’s office. Now it was pitch black with only a few people walking down the streets and cars passing by. Her phone was tucked away in her bag, YN couldn’t muster up enough energy to reach for it to know her location. The tears she shed had long ago dried, though their evidence remained clear to see on her face due to the streak marks and reddened nose.

Several voices were speaking to her, memories, all pulling her in different directions. One by one, YN blocked them out until only three remained. Her brother’s: “You’re not sick.” Dr. Kang’s: “You’ll do the right thing.” Lastly, the faintest one of all - hers: "What do I do?" She had muttered it without realizing it. A cry for help that traveled through the wind, searching for an answer or a sign. She would be granted one.

The scream was so loud, it tore straight through the foggy haze that had settled in her mind and YN found herself frozen in place. Glancing upwards, she noted that a few feet away to the left was an alleyway. That was it, wasn’t it? Yet her feet wouldn’t move. Her brother’s voice echoed so loudly that it barely allowed her to breathe much less move. Until, a stronger, much more powerful one broke through - “It’s okay to feel things...I know you’ll do the right thing.” Her feet were moving before YN had even a second to dwell on her decision. The alleyway was, deceptively long, but YN could see several silhouettes just from the entrance. Quickly she dug her hand into her bag and pulled out her phone, dialing emergency services but hovering over the call button. YN didn't even know where exactly she was - nor did she know what was going on either. It wouldn't do well to just rush in, thankfully about ten feet inlay a giant dumpster which YN crouched behind.

Another scream echoed off the brick walls, a cacophony of laughter followed it. There’s more than one. YN had hoped it was a robbery or something simple, now she realized just how in over her head she may be. You can still walk away YN. Just walk away. Cautiously YN moved to sneak a glance. There was a singular lamp attached to one of the buildings that illuminated most of the alley. The faint light didn't allow her to make out specific features, but it was enough for her to bear witness to the disturbing scene. Seven men were standing all loosely crowded around a young couple: a man and woman whose bodies were severely bruised and beaten. The man's skull was cracked open with blood profusely leaking from the side of his head. Several teeth were scattered on the ground and his hand was tightened around his abdomen which seemed to have been cut as well. The woman beside him had most of her clothing ripped and large bruises on her side, an indicator of broken ribs. Her eyes moved deliriously as she muttered to herself.

YN’s attention lay entirely on the victims until she witnessed a crowbar fly through the air and land on the man’s leg, with a sickening ‘crack’ that had YN feeling nauseous. The man was too out of it to do anything but let out a small howl of pain. Her previous assumption had been right, there were seven men: all standing there with blood-stained clothes and mocking the man. There was something familiar about them, but YN couldn’t pinpoint what. All of them cheered as the man’s now dead body slumped to the side. Her phone had been long forgotten, YN observed everything now with a morbid fascination. Taking advantage of the perpetrator’s lack of attention the woman stood up slowly and bolted, her heels clicking loudly on the pavement and alerting them their prey had gotten away.

None of them moved - they simply observed her and YN watched in shock. Why aren’t they chasing her? Would they actually… By now the woman was only a few feet away from the entrance, she passed by YN and must've caught sight of YN's hunched over the figure for the woman's head snapped towards her. Causing both women to miss the figure dashing in their direction until it was too late. The woman was harshly tackled to the ground, her head bouncing off the pavement in sickening motion. There is a glint of something in his hand before a dagger plunges into the young girl's body multiple times. In a desperate move, she extends her hand reaching out towards YN begging for help but YN remains frozen. Eyes wide and teary as she cowers as close as she can to the wall, shaking her head she begs the woman not to speak. Begs her not to draw the perps attention. Please don’t!

“Please help me.”

The perpetrators head snaps towards YN and she finally sees him. He's tall, lean figure, plump lips, cat eyes, and ruffled blonde hair. The blood splattered across his face revealed the dark truth behind his angelic features. His dark hooded eyes trail across YN's body, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. The blonde man looks like a predator savoring its next meal. Before he can pounce YN takes off running, unfortunately, he captures her with ease. Caging her body against his own, pillowy lips part and it dawns on YN she has never heard him speak before.

“Caught you.”

Just like that their game has come to an end, surely YN’s life will too. The two of them are so enraptured in each other, they don’t notice the figure slowly standing up and grabbing the abandoned knife on the floor. Not until the blonde man’s body sags slightly and YN notices the woman standing behind them. Don’t. She wants to say, furious that the woman wouldn’t have run away - escaped when she had the chance. For YN couldn’t bear another dead body on her subconscious. The blonde man turned around with pure rage steaming off his body, upset that his prey would dare to fight back. His arms gripped her head and with the slightest flick of his wrist, he broke the girl’s neck. When he turned back around to face his prize, he was shocked to find her expressionless staring at the corpse right in front of her.

YN came to a disturbing conclusion: She wouldn’t have died if she hadn’t helped me. As she once again made eye contact with the monster before her, all YN could see was her reflection in his eyes. Hanbin was right.

The man stepped forward and YN stepped back, crashing into the wall. His hands gripped at her sides, nails digging into her flesh harshly. He was formulating a plan, thinking about how best to kill her - YN could see it. It seems the universe had decided to take pity on her, or further condemn her, for just as his eyes were beginning to light up, the rest of the group made their presence known. “Jimin let’s go. The fun’s over.” Jimin? There was something familiar about that name.

“Funs not over yet, boys.” As if she weighed nothing, Jimin grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder. YN struggled against him, aware that if she couldn’t handle one man, there was no way she could survive seven. “I finally found my pet.” What? When Jimin finally put her down, his arms encased her again showing her off to his friends as if she was some shiny new toy, they could look at but not touch. As YN glanced at them she found she recognized some of them, they’re from the bus. At that moment she realized that death had been following YN for a long time and even if she hadn't stepped into the alleyway tonight, their paths would have crossed eventually.

“Ah, so you’re the girl Jimin’s been obsessed with.” The tall tan one with curly dark hair spoke, his low baritone voice was mocking in nature.

“She’s not that pretty.” muttered another one, with rounded eyes and a tall nose.

“Now, come on kookie. Don’t be mean, she’s a lot prettier than what we’re used to.” The third man’s tone was higher pitched, lips stretched into a heart-shaped smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“What do you think we should do, Namjoon?” spoke the light-haired one dawned in all black. His eyes darting over to the tallest member, his platinum hair shining brightly in the dark alleyway.

When Namjoon spoke it was deliberate and calculated, his eyes boring into YN’s, his words dripping with implication. “We should take this one to go.”

Distantly YN could hear the wailing of sirens rushing towards them before Kookie stepped forward and delivered a right hook to her face, making her lose consciousness.

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marzipanandminutiae · 3 years

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Watching the DuaneMadeIt doll restoration video

An anon asked, so here are my thoughts on this guy restoring a 1928 Effanbee “Mary Ann” doll.

I’ve never heard of a doll doctor testing the paint for lead. The woman who trained me just kind of assumed it always had lead- pretty likely, since our specialty was pre-1920s dolls -and we wore respirators when sanding anything. But it definitely didn’t stop us.

That’s not a bad thing, of course. It’s probably safer. Still, doll restoration people gonna restore regardless. It’s a miracle we don’t all die of lead poisoning.

Did he need to take it totally apart? It didn’t look like there was any reason to. The limbs were all attached and in good order, I thought. I guess if you really want to wash the body and not just do the stocking-over-a-vacuum-nozzle trick, but I wouldn’t have.

WHY ARE YOU SANDING ALL THE OLD PAINT OFF OH MY GOD

LIKE MAYBE THIS IS NORMAL FOR COMPOSITION DOLL REPAIR? BUT THERE’S A GENERAL RESTORATION CODE OF ETHICS THAT SAYS “NEVER DO ANYTHING YOU CAN’T UNDO”

I WAS TRAINED TO PRESERVE AS MUCH ORIGINALITY AS POSSIBLE AND THIS IS PHYSICALLY PAINFUL TO ME

Wood filler seems like a valid repair option for the limbs but how are you going to sculpt the toenails and such into it? This seems more like an “I’m ignorant” thing, but I’ve always done compo limb rebuilding (on older dolls) with epoxy clay. Interesting to see how this goes.

And we’re taking the head apart...why?

The eye mechanism looks fine. The inner part of the mouth with the teeth looks fine. Why was that necessary?

More sanding off the old paint, which looks pretty decently preserved to me. I suppose just doing touch-ups wasn’t an option because. Color matching is hard? It looks less dramatic? I’ve got nothing.

Watching him sand off her TOTALLY INTACT brows and lashes- I’m about to cry

Update: we are sculpting the wood filler with tools after it hardens. Valid.

Okay the rebuilding of the crier is pretty cool. I’ll give him that.

So he took the head apart to make the eyes look brand-new. I suppose that’s better than trying to repaint them still in the doll’s head. But I’m not sure an actual restorer would want to make them look brand-new. I suppose it depends on the person, but if there was no other way to de-yellow them than to cut the head open and it was still perfectly fine...I’d be disinclined to do that, personally. Dolls are old. They’re not brand-spanking new. And sometimes they will never look brand-spanking-new again, and you just have to live with that.

The lips are WAY too berry-colored

OH THOSE LASHES. OH GOD

This looks like an incredibly cheap, tacky repaint job that any doll person would clock from a mile away

Like if a serious collector buys this, they WILL be sending the poor thing to a restoration artist to fix that face. Guaranteed

People study the painting on the originals SO carefully to get it as exact as possible. Because it’s so easy to mess up and so hard to get right. And this guy has failed in a big way

“Zip ties are a better hold than wires!” But did she have zip ties, Duane? Or did she have wires, Duane? ORIGINALITY MATTERS DUANE, EVEN WHEN YOU’RE USING NEW MATERIALS

MY MENTOR HAD AN ENTIRE BOX FULL OF ANTIQUE DOLL HOOKS AND HARDWARE, HARVESTED FROM DOLLS PAST HELP. WE ONLY MADE NEW WHEN WE ABSOLUTELY HAD TO, AND WE USED THE SAME MATERIALS AS THE ORIGINAL

The rest is just clothes and wig and I have to go to work, so it looks pretty much fine to me

Look. At the end of the day, he owned the doll and he could do what he wanted with it. And between this and becoming a “cReEpY” Halloween decoration, the doll is much better-off now. And maybe some of this is standard for vintage compo restoration, which again, is not my department (though I doubt it). I think what it comes down to is a difference of goals in restoration

Most doll restorers, trained and working in the doll community, will have a great deal of scruples around preserving originality. A more generally crafty person might not. Is one way right or wrong? To me the first one is the right one, but that’s not objective fact. A lot of it comes down to personal ethics and preference.

So in the end, while what he did runs counter in a lot of ways to my experience, that doesn’t necessarily make it Bad(TM). No matter how much I may rant in an informal setting.

...the lips are WAY too berry, though.

#dolls #antique dolls #doll restoration #vintage dolls

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hayjeon · 5 years

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Union

→ arrangemarriage!au between werewolf!taehyung and wolfhunter!reader → 01 | 02

Ok, originally, this was supposed to be a hella long-ass oneshot, but I am still only like halfway through it and am definitely gonna miss the Halloween deadline, so....here’s a drabble LOL I’ll keep you guys updated with the rest!

Part of this drabble game with @foreverpark

“And here, your highnesses, is your shared wedding room.”

The maid leaves the both of you alone, retreating with a lowered gaze and a quick pitter-patter of footsteps.

You enter, and he shuts the door behind the both of you.

“You should probably stay here for the night, or they will ask questions.” You observe, looking around the room. “I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

He walks up to you, his leather boots echoing in the cold room of the castle. You hear the mattress of the bed squeak before you turn to him, shocked that he didn’t even hold a bit of resistance to your offer to sleep on the couch.

Blinking back tears, you square your shoulders and retreat to the restroom, where the maids have lain out a clean nightgown and a steaming bath for you to relax in.

One by one, the pins scratching your scalp and the ribbons and laces on your dress come off, until the wretched wedding dress lay there like a mop on the tiles of the bathing room.

A long sigh releases from your lungs the moment your body sinks into the rose-water, shaky and a bit raspy from an entire day of tearing up or holding back said tears. You cup the water in your hands and press your palms to your face, letting the water wash away all the makeup and the streaks the tears have caused in your perfect mask.

It had been done. You were now married to a wolf, cementing the union between the hunters and the wolves physically and symbolically. Your fathers had arranged it years ago when the threat of war was clearly also a threat to both your species. Hunters would have fought until death, because it was what they were bred to do. Wolves would have fought until everyone’s death, for revenge and out of loyalty. The Great War would have wiped out both your species forever.

And so, you now have a husband, one whom you’ve barely conversed with before, and don’t intend to. This marriage was purely for your kindgoms’ sakes, for the skeptics who didn’t believe that a true union between the two historically feuding races would be possible. Behind doors, and within castle walls, you nor the prince of wolves needed to keep up the front of being the perfect, married couple.

You’re almost dozing off when you hear a quick rap on the door of the bathing room. You curl your arms around your chest, breathing out, “Yes?”

The knocks come again. No response.

You groan, reaching out and grabbing the towels the maids had set for you, and wrapping it around your hair. You pull the robe around your shoulders and tie the sash tightly before padding to the door and opening it slightly.

He’s standing there, in all his glory and wedding attire, with an unreadable expression.

You clear your throat, and move aside so that he can enter, and leave immediately.

He hadn’t said a word to you since the moment he said “I do” to the officiator earlier, and this situation seemed like he wouldn’t change a bit either.

You hear the thick wooden door fall shut behind you and you sigh, dropping your clothes where the maids would be able to find them and making your way to the closet. Yanking open the closet door, your eyes bulge at what you see.

From floor to ceiling, the closet that originally is supposed to hold your dresses and linens is now stocked with lingerie and slips that reveal more to the eye rather than let the imagination do the work. You rustle through the heaps of hangers, but all you can feel with your fingertips is either the glide of silk or the dainty scratch of lace. Nothing like regular cotton, or even anything that covers your entire chest.

You pull the lapels of the robe closer together and dry your hair. If this was what you needed to sleep in, then so be it. But you needed to take the bed, because you’d probably freeze to death in your thin robe without any blankets to sleep with.

By the time you’re done getting ready for bed, the door to the bathing room hasn’t budged a bit, and neither have you heard a word or sound from your husband. You sigh, feeling hestitant to just take his bed without explaining, but lie within the soft bedsheets nonetheless, sighing as the plush mattress comforts your tired body and the soft linens caress the exposed skin on your legs.

“What is the meaning of this?”

You bolt up, hands clutching the bedsheets close as you turn. You almost scream at the sight.

Taehyung stands there half-naked, a flimsy towel wrapped around his waist and his robe hanging off his shoulders and doing nothing to hide his very wet, and very naked chest from you. You avert your eyes, and gulp. “I-...the m-maids only stocked very revealing clothes in the closet. I have no other choice but to sleep in the bed with the blankets, or else freeze to death in this castle tonight.”

He quirks an eyebrow, unfolding the pants he had in his hands. You turn your body completely as he nonchalantly drops the towel around his waist and begins changing in front of you. The indecency! You’d heard horror stories of how carnal and indecent the species of wolves were, them being animals nonetheless, but you’d never imagined it to be like this.

“H-How dare y-you!” You manage, but your eyes bulge and you whip your head back to him when you feel the bed dip and the blankets rustle.

“What are you doing?!”

He leans back against the headboard, bare chest and shoulders peeking out of the edge of the blanket, his robe and towel discarded on the floor. He gazes at you, bored. “I am sleeping in my bed.”

You huff at the nonchalance. “Yes, I understand. But I’ve told you why it’s imperative that I take the bed tonight while we have to share premises.”

He shrugs. The wolf, shrugs. “So be it,” he says, and he sinks into the pillows and sheets and closes his eyes.

You clench your teeth. Your mother raised you to be a polite, respectable woman. Your people were hunters who were originally bred to hunt and kill wolves in cold blood, but they also prided themselves on being a respectable and progressive people who maintained all the honorable and proprieties that humanity could think of. Your species was so traditional that even vampires respected your thousand-year customs.

You sit up, and straighten your spine.

“I command you to get out of my bed.” You say, voice steady and stern.

Usually, with this tone, your maids would scatter and the warriors and big burly men who ridicule you would leave with their tail between their legs. Your father used to tell you that you were born with your mother’s soft looks, but with his steely gaze and demeanor. It was why he chose you to marry the wolf.

But instead of immediately fleeing the sheets, the wolf, Taehyung, opens an eye lazily, and closes it. “No. It is my bed.” He says.

“I will say it again,” you seethe, teeth clenched. “I command you to get out of your queen’s bed.”

He doesn’t even respond this time around.

You’d had it with him. You kneel up, hands gripping the edge of his blanket, and tug as hard as you can. It was juvenile, but you heard that the creatures were very...animalistic. This was as much as you could manage.

But his hand reaches out and snatches your wrist in his palm, his fingers gripping tight and pulling suddenly, so that you yelp and fall toward him. Your other hand shoots out to cradle your fall, and leaves you hovering over him, hair cascading on both sides of you, and hands on either side of his head.

Immediately, you try to pry away, but his grip is firm, and he opens his eyes to reveal a stormy gaze, much different than the one he’d sported earlier lazily.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he mutters, glaring up at you.

“Do what? Unhand me immediately!” You grit, trying to yank your wrist out of his grip.

“Or else what?” He says, lip tipping up mockingly. “What will you do, your highness?”

“Or else,” you stammer, “O-or else I’ll-I’ll scream! And I’ll tell them you tried to force me!”

He laughs, fingers loosening, but not letting go. “You can scream if you want to. But what will you tell them when they come here, and see you, half-dressed in your robe that’s hanging open, crouching over me like this at an unforgiveable time of the night, on our wedding night?”

You scramble back and he lets you, and you immediately pull the lapels of your robe closed.

“H-how d-dare you!” You manage, too shaken and angry to say anything coherent.

He shrugs, settling down into his sheets again. “You may sleep here, if you want. It is entirely your choice. However, you doing so will not effect my comfort or my sleep.”

You glare at him as he grins at you.

“We are in this marriage for one reason only. You won’t scream. You can’t scream, because once you do, they’ll know that this was all a ruse, and all for the appearances, and then the deal will be off. So why don’t you quiet down, and settle in?”

“I won’t do anything to you. It will be a long night. Sleep, and we shall discuss how to fool the maids into thinking that we consummated our marriage in the morning before they come in.”

You shiver in the chill of the bedroom. The stone walls of the new castle did nothing to keep the goosebumps from sprouting all over your arms and legs.

Glaring warily at him, you slide your legs under the covers. He smirks at the sight and closes his eyes.

“The moment you try to touch me again, wolf,” you sneer, “I will have your hands removed and kicked out of this kingdom forever.”

“If you say so, your majesty.” He drawls.

“We will never, ever, consummate our marriage. You will never be able to seduce me.” You say, for good measure.

This comment makes him open his eyes.

“Oh, I won’t do anything to seduce you, your highness.” He says, chuckling a little bit. In the dim light of the single candle next to your bed, you see his gaze darken a little bit. “But I do promise you, one day, you’ll come begging for me to take you, and it’ll be a night you’ll never forget.”

#fpwritingchallenge #bts angst #taehyung angst #bts smut #taehyung smut #bts fics #fics #writing #mine #bts #taehyung #werewolf!taehyung

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shadowed-dancer · 4 years

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Cats 2019 Review (Spoilers)

So I FINALLY got to experience Cats the Movie (2019) and I have some thoughts. For context, I’ve seen the staged production and actually really enjoyed it!

You can find my review of the soundtrack here.

I wasn’t sure how to organize my thoughts in any coherent manner, so I decided to to a quick overview, a plot summary, then break it up into visuals, story, singing, changes, and other thoughts for those who want an in depth thing.

Overview

So overall, I didn’t hate this film. It was weird, but pretty par for the course compared to its source material. If you know the plot of cats then you’ll only be weirded out by some odd visual moments. If you know nothing about Cats the Musical, then you will be very confused. The best part imo was Mr. Mistofelees (the character, not the song).

Summary (of the film)

We start with Victoria (a white cat) being tossed into an alley and immediately she is found by a tribe of cats called the Jellicles

She learns that once a year, a Jellicle is chosen to ascend to the Heaviside layer (basically heaven) where that cat is then reborn into a new life. This decision is made by their leader, Old Deuteronomy, and is called the Jellicle choice

We learn that a cat must sing a song about themselves if they want to be chosen. There are some cats who introduce themselves with the desire to be chosen, and some who introduce themselves for the fun of it

Our contenders to be chosen are: Jennyanydots, Bustopher Jones, Gus, Skimbleshanks, Macavity, and Grizabella

The cats who introduce themselves for fun are: Rum Tum Tugger, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, and Mister Mistofelees

Macavity is the villain and kidnaps all the other contenders by teleporting them to his boat. That way he’d be the only one present once the choice is made

Old Deuteronomy refuses to choose him and is teleported away by Macavity, but she’s brought back by Mistofelees before she can be forced to walk the plank (no, I’m not kidding, that’s an actual line)

Oh yeah, side note. Macavity and Mistofelees have actual magical powers. It’s never explained how or why

Old Deuteronomy ends up choosing Grizabella, an outcast cat, and she flies away in a hot air balloon that’s also a chandelier

Visuals

I'm not sure if I saw the updated version but someone said if Judy Dench has a human hand with her wedding ring in the last scene, then it’s the old version. My version had that so I’m assuming I saw the original

The CGI fur wasn’t as horrifying as I feared but any time their feet were shown, the illusion was immediately broken

Also the mice and cockroaches looked so fake I couldn’t help but laugh

The cats also looked very fake in Skimbleshanks’ song, but I liked the song so I gave it a pass

Mistofelees’ ears weren’t really a consistent size. Like if he took off his hat his ears should have been way bigger than they actually were rendered to be

Actually nothing was a consistent size. Sometimes the cats looked way smaller compared to other scenes

Idk what was wrong with some of the clothing in this movie, but Jenny’s dance suit, Skimble’s suspenders, and Munkustrap’s collar looked like they were floating over their bodies

This is weird since all the coats in this movie look absolutely fine

Also at one point I made the mistake of looking at a background character and I saw her face was clearly not connected to her body

I thought I’d have to see Misto and Victoria kiss with their weird human mouths. Luckily I did not. Thank you for sparing me from that

At a few points the cat’s (human) nails extend into “claws” but they just look like longer human nails. Idk how to describe it.

Idris Elba looked very naked. Why did he ditch his coat at the end?

At one point Bustopher drinks some champagne (I think) and it spills all over his face and then literally evaporated as soon as it’s done. Like not even in the next shot, in one continuing shot the drink is gone from his fur

In the last scene, Jenny’s collar keeps popping in an out of existence between shots. I’m sure it was inconsistent throughout the film, but I noticed it at the end

Oh, and yes I saw the snot on Grizabella’s face and yes it was very distracting

Story

I was really confused about the rules of the Jellicle choice. They said you have to sing a song if you want to be chosen, but Jennyanydots and Bustopher Jones sing before Old Deuteronomy even shows up

Edit from the future: I saw the movie again and realized Jenny’s performance was a practice for her real performance. That’s why she packs up the cockroaches, it’s because she’s taking them to the actual venue.

This also explains the fact that she unzips her skin. It implies she made a suit to look like her skin for this big reveal. That’s weird in it’s own right, because it implies she made a suit to like like her own skin

Also apparently Rum Tum Tugger wasn’t trying to be the Jellicle choice (which makes sense, his life seems pretty good) because he's never taken away by Macavity

Macavity says “I’m the only contender here” while Tugger is in the room, so I’d assume that means a few cats are just introducing themselves for the heck of it (Tugger, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, and Mistofelees)

How did the other cats get off Macavity’s boat? I get that they fought back, but how did they actually get to the statue in time?

Overall the story is pretty much the same, only they gave Macavity more of a role

Singing

Yes, I know I reviewed the soundtrack already, but now with the context of the film I have some more thoughts

Jenny sounded like Miranda Sings when she sang “BuUuUuuuuuT” (idk how to describe that voice, but if you’ve heard Mirana you know what I mean)

Also she is not a tap dancer and I’m very sad

So turns out Beautiful Ghosts is sung to Grizabella. It really slows down the film because it’s right in between the first Memories and Gus’ song (both very slow songs)

I was not on board for Judy Dench as Old Deuteronomy, at least in the singing department. Acting wise she was great, but I couldn’t do the singing.

Also remember how I said Grizabella slurred her words? It REALLY stands out in the movie. Oh my gosh at one point I couldn’t tell what she said despite knowing the lyrics. I didn’t love her

It felt like she was singing for sadness, not for the emotion

Also the music really overtook her during the climax of the song and it took away from the emotion

Oh, the first bit of Mr Mistofelees is actually sung by Munkustrap! I couldn't tell from the recording. Just thought I’d point that out

And also Macavity appears after his song, so it’s not as weird timing wise as I thought

Changes

I actually didn’t hate the shy version of Misto they created. However, it was very hard to watch his song because I could feel the awkwardness radiating through the screen

I’m also upset that his song is no longer as fun and upbeat as it used to be. Like he almost bursts into tears at one point and I was just sitting there like “Wow, this is the exact opposite energy I was feeling at this point in the stage production”

I miss Jellylorum, but it was cute having Misto be like this big fan of Gus, that was adorable.

And yeah I didn’t hate Misto and Victoria together. I thought it was cute watching them interact

Misto didn’t dance and I felt ripped off

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer helped with the catnip scene, but when was this agreed upon? Before the movie took place?

Other

Not gonna lie, I actually laughed when Bustopher Jones went into a garbage can and Tugger was just chilling with 2 girls. And then Bustopher acts like it’s such a normal occurrence I found it funny

The film needed more Tugger, I was very disappointed in the lack of Tugger in this film. Even if it was just a running gag of him in random places with some cats like the garbage can bit, that would have been hilarious

The ending scene was horrifying sorry. Like I’m fine with eye contact, but that was too much

Victoria, Misto, and Munkustrap’s actors were fantastic

At one point Victoria was dancing on pointe but they edited it so she was barefoot, so she was on pointe on her actual toes (think that party scene in Titanic)

Misto has to wear an actual bow tie while Bustopher Jones has it as a pattern on his fur, which is reversed from the stage play? Why?

During Macavity’s song, when all the cats are high on catnip, Misto makes this weird expression while rubbing his face on the barstool and it was SO UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH. That whole scene was actually unnerving there was a lot of moaning and heavy breathing

Any time Macavity teleported by saying “Meow” I burst out laughing

What kind of cat was Victoria supposed to be? Because I always imagined her as a Persian kitten but she’s kind of a tabby in this version (but not consistently, her markings seem to fade or get bolder randomly)

Speaking of which, so many of the cats looked the same and were kind of boring. Lots of tabbies with short fur.

Misto’s wand is a pencil

Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed. You should absolutely go see this film just for the experience of it. I will absolutely be adding this to my yearly Halloween-movie line up.

#cats the movie #cats movie #munkustrap #mr mistoffelees #mister mistoffelees #cats victoria #rum tum tugger

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my-arlington-academia · 5 years

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I'm super late and sorry for ruining the good mood after the awesome new sprites reveal! Note: some of this was written before the reveal and some after

(It turned out so long, longer than my school essays and I might've made some wording/formulation mistakes so sorry again.)

Hey so I kind of really have a deep hatred for drama but at the same time I want to talk about what ""happend"" recently because a big part of it seems a bit like BS to me.

(I'm on the SE developers' side btw so if I say something that might offend you I think it's best not to read)

Okay, basically there was some writing for the original chapter 7 "leaked" by a person who was on the team but left months ago and while it didn't seem like that big of a deal at first after hearing both sides of the story I have a bit of a clearer image. So what's written there is what chapter 7 was supposed to be like however it's clear now that the current chapter 7 will have nothing to do with this. Buuut there's a problem there, not going into the whole contract thing (yet) I'd like to say that it doesn't make sense from Cecile's side to call this JUST a fanfiction.

Normally it wouldn't be a problem but what's written there was at some point supposed to be canon, right? This writing is coming from someone who has an insider's perspective unlike us, "outsiders" who were never on the team and have no idea about how the plot is/was supposed to go. A fanfic is, may I quote, "fiction written by a fan of, and featuring characters from, a particular TV series, film, etc." Thus the whole contract thing doesn't matter in that statement since the person/people who wrote this aren't fans, they're people who were on the SE development team.

And so I read the thing (ngl, it was mainly because I was really curious and wanted to see what it was all about) and tbh I can understand Serena's annoyance towards it. I mean, it contains some info on the characters. Info we've never heard of before (and I'm not gonna talk about it just in case some people decided not to read it because I respect that) while most of those were just small glimpses into their personalities/hobbies/background and it didn't seem like there was anything plot heavy, or nothing that I've noticed is supposed to be important for later, it still doesn't change the fact that these informations are canon, right?

I suppose Serena must've read it at some point and approved the writing though that's just speculation on my part.

So long story short, what was posted isn't really a fanfic but more like the plot of an old chapter that got either delayed to a later chapter or like... completed deleted since they left the team and the layout of the chapter is now out to the public so I highly doubt Serena is gonna post something similar to this, or at least if she's still planning on making a Halloween chapter then maybe she'll change how the story was supposed to play out?

Tbh I feel like it would've been smarter to ask first if they can publish the copy of the chapter instead of making a big ruckus out of it. This could've been easily avoided but then again I don't know if they left the team on good terms, not that this part is any of my business though.

Anyway, so then we have the whole "she didn't give us a contract to sign" argument which is... uh, I mean, what did you expect?

SE development started back in 2015 correct? So it's been around 4 years and we're only on chapter 6. Why? Because making the game isn't their full time job and they made that clear multiple times in the past. Besides, correct me if I'm wrong, but 4 years ago wasn't Serena like in her late teens/early twenties or something? I know it might seem cheap to pull out the legendary "she was young" argument but tbh I'm in high school and never have I imagined or taken seriously the thought of making an indie game. If like, next month I decided to do it and found some people who are down for making some assets for the game then a legal contract would literally be the last thing I would think about.

Besides it's not like Serena has ever been secretive about the things she thought were necessary to tell the fandom, or at least I don't get the feeling that she has. Do y'all really imagine her being like "muhahaha! I'm not gonna make a contract with them so I can freely use their work!" ???

The thing with a contract is that it's not only good for the employees but also for the employer if the workers ever do something that they weren't supposed to (like now). And she's not planning on taking "legal" action anyway because like she said, nothing good will come out of it and she technically doesn't have a "right" to do so.

And let's just be realistic here for a second, okay? Like do you guys really think that they're earning a whole lot thanks to sweet elite? There's barely 18k accounts on the site and I'm pretty sure that most of those are doubles or triples in order to go through different routes. Also, we don't know how much of those accounts belong to active players on the game. There's many people out there who play like the first 2 chapters and never touch the game again because they'd rather watch a let's play or they dropped the game. And amongst the people who do play sweet elite regularly (as in, they log in everyday and play the new chapter when it's out) how many people is there who have ever paid for energy? The thing is that the game is still in it's early stages, there's not many chapters yet so it's easy to catch up quickly and tbh their energy system is pretty generous. You receive 5 points per day but you can also use coins to exchange them for energy (which is what most people do in order to catch up).

So point is, I'm pretty sure they don't gain a lot of money out of it and almost all of the work they do, they do it for free in their free time because they like making the game.

So I dunno, it might be pretty shitty of me and naive to think about it in this way but tbh I feel like it was kind of obnoxious of them to just, y'know. Leave because "there's no contract and we're not making any money out of this" then come back months later to post something that we weren't supposed to see and complain about the fact that their writing and sprites are getting used in chapter 6. Like?? I think it's quite clear that the team is planning on replacing all of the sprites and as for the writing what do you expect them to do? Go through every single chapter again and add words to each sentence, replace some words with synonyms and reformulate everything so it can't be considered your writing anymore? That's kinda dumb and a waste of time.

Could've they replaced all the old illustrations first and then posted the episode? Yes but how much time would it have taken? They'd have to make the new artists overwork and they don't have a way to pay them much all at once. Sweet Elite will be around 50 chapters and it's an episodic type of game in which assets get replaced and added as time goes on because if they did everything in one go then there would be almost no time to update the story.

I can't even pretend to understand because quite frankly I'm not an artist, but I CAN at least understand the feeling of wanting to be reconized for the things I do and for the work I put into things. Who wouldn't?

Plus, to be fair I don't think that there's any shame in wanting to be paid for a job but is making Sweet Elite a job? Not completely. Not yet at least. Right now it's more of a part time job/hobby and it's totally okay to quit when you don't feel like working on it anymore. However if the money and the compensation aspect of making it was so important then wouldn't it have been better to say "Sorry, but I refuse to work on this until I sign a contract" right off the bat rather than feeling like you're not appreciated enough and complain about it months later like a really salty potato chip?

Not making a contract, while being a mistake on Serena's part, she never tried to pretend it wasn't. In fact she affirms that she has made many errors and again, like I said earlier a contract is beneficial to both the employees AND the employer so had she been more careful it wouldn't have played out this way. We don't even know the circumstances and her point of view of that whole contract thing, maybe she just thought that it would be better to not make one in order to keep the workers free to leave in any given moment because she knew that she wouldn't be able to pay them enough?

I saw some people in the tags being like "look guys, this is why I don't support sweet elite anymore and why you shouldn't too!" Which is tbh a pretty simple minded way of looking at it. I guess we, as the pitiful hoomans we are, we're more inclined on taking the side of the "weakest" group which means the people who left the team because there was apparently some ""injustice"" but the more I look into it and the more it seems like it was a big misunderstanding.

Dulcet games is so new do you expect to get paid hundreds/thousands for an indie game with a small following in which even the "boss" isn't getting any/much money out of it? Oh, and there's also some being super vocal about leaving because "Cecile's art was the only thing keeping me from leaving" which... lmao. Take it in a humorous tone please but It's like a customer in Walmart saying that they won't come back again because the fancy red t-shirts from the clothing section are gone. Idk man. You can say whatever you want about the team behind SE but I still stand by the belief that it's a great game with good writing and progressive characters. And all the things Serena did so far seem like pretty logical courses of action especially in this situation or am I wrong? Is Serena secretly evil guys? Were we fooled all along.,.,,..,

(Sorry this post started out so serious and ended so stupid, I'm just unable of writing about really seriousssss topics. Serious with 5 Ss because it's so seriousssss. Also did you notice that this whole thing is obvious and dumb if you think about it for longer than 1 minute? The moment someone says they don't get paid for something everyone flips over but the true question is, did they have the means of paying you at that time? Everybody is so quick to jump on Serena's throat without thinking and it's kinda sad. We're so superficial, like if money is mentionned ONCE in a drama suddenly everyone ascends to their most sensitive state of bitterness. As far as we know Serena never forced anyone to stay on the team and it's no secret that she doesn't get much money ESPECIALLY for an indie game company. It doesn't seem like they didn't want to pay them but more like they couldn't afford to at that time and everything wasn't set up in place yet.)

#sweet elite #se #soooo loonnng #I'm pretty sure many will skip this because it's super long and useless drama #and actually you're right #please skip this if you don't care about the quote unquote drama #if you did read this though could you feel the sheer amount of pent up anger in this?#I tend to back away from conflict but this one is important to me #like why y'all always trying to take every single good thing down for one mistake?#so people aren't allowed to be human now?#I'm really opinionated about this so I'm kind of surprised at myself rn #because usually I'm a wuss like #confrontation?!?!#standing up for my beliefs?!#too stressful #too hard

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ultraericthered · 5 years

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Anime Update 14

[NOTE: Apologies for this coming late. I took the previous week off since it was the week of Halloween. This is not likely to happen again until Christmas.]

CLANNAD - So that was the end of Kotomi’s arc and....I know this is an unpopular opinion but I gotta be honest - it didn’t really grab me the same way the end of Fuko’s arc did. I was sensing the emotional intention behind how things played out and the heart behind it...but I just wasn’t actually feeling it. It didn’t move me the way it was supposed to. And I think it’s because I felt this arc played it’s best card right in the very middle, raising my expectations for how it could unfold only to be let down by how it actually did. I had no emotional investment in Kotomi’s parents. I feel they should’ve fucked things up for Kotomi WAY worse than how they did in order to make the tragedy of their deaths before they could make it up to her, and the weight of their amends to her living on well past their deaths so that it eventually did make it’s way to their daughter, much more effective. In theory, I love the conclusion of the parents’ “super important thesis” ending up having been discarded in favor of a personal letter and showing of love to their daughter, but it needed better execution in order for it to fully land with me. Also, that “yesterday, I saw a rabbit” poem got way overplayed, and I was left still scratching my head over what the point of having Okazaki and Kotomi being childhood acquaintances was, ‘cause you don’t typically forget a person who had such a significant part in your life, such as setting a whole room on fire on the eve of her birthday when you’re right there to see it happen. If Okazaki had some repressed trauma, then that would explain it, but the narrative didn’t play it that way - he simply just forgot Kotomi was ever a thing for some reason. WEAK.

Dragon Ball - No words could do justice to that “show me the two balls you have hidden in your clothes” gag. Possibly the dirtiest joke ever done in Dragon Ball. Aside from that, Hasky really wasn’t quite the threat she was built up as. To quote Toffee of Septarsis, she had all the power in the world at her fingertips and got tickled right out of it. That’s seriously how she’s done away with, and in a very abrupt manner too. This was all anime filler, so I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. The image of the Colonel Silver lookalike in the city was used again, so I wish they could’ve just brought Silver into the plot and have him help save the day. Again it’s filler, so it’s not like there was anything stopping them from pulling something like that!

Toradora - This episode was half amusing, half uncomfortable. Like, Kitamura’s sudden turn to being a runaway delinquent who’s given up on everything he’d ever been a part of before was a blend of both feelings and it kept me braced for any mood whiplash. It at least began on a fun note with Ami's dick trolling, but then by the end it's playing the prospect of hair getting dyed back to normal as a huge dramatic turn! There was also this incredibly bizarrely written scene before the midway point that perfectly demonstrates the series’ second half problems. More specifically, the series’ second half’s Minori Problems. Minori starts talking about problems between Kitamura and his peers, then transitions into shilling Ami for her knowledge and maturity while likening herself and the rest of them to oblivious, immature children who don’t know any better, then she tries going back to her spacey, cheerful weird girl persona only to then freeze up and freak out about something Ryuji says, calling herself a big fat phony, and then...nothing. The conversation just dies and the scene stops. I’m positive that there was actual context for this in the original light novel, but in the anime it just comes out of nowhere and leaves you confused. From what I can recall, this will be a recurring issue that plagues Minori’s character development in this back half. But hey, Taiga’s running for Student Council now! Yay?

Excel Saga - OK so...Ropponmatsu 2 is a delight to watch, but one thing that bothered me was that I couldn’t help feeling like Kira Vincent Davis ought to have swapped roles with Larissa Wolcott, as there were points when Davis sounded like she could do a better impression of what Jessica Calvello had done in the role of Excel. The one other distracting aspect was that towards the very end of the episode, the animation budget must’ve been lowered ‘cause a lot of it started looking REALLY cheap and off-model. The episode’s funniest bit had to be how Excel and Hyatt disguised their big, lunky deathbot up as a panda and just about everyone fell for the ruse, to nearly fatal consequences. So ridiculous yet so fitting for this show. Also, Pedro might get a second chance at life. We’re going places now!

Ace Attorney - Little Miles Edgeworth is the most precious thing and I would protect him with my life. It really was interesting to see how not so different yet WAY different Miles was as a kid compared to how he is now as a young adult. Having a father who wasn’t fucking horrid like Von Karma is definitely the reason for that. The only big headscratcher here was that I wonder how late in development of the original game the decision to make Phoenix and Miles such close friends as children was, since Miles didn’t seem to have any inner conflict whatsoever about trying to get Phoenix convicted for a murder he knew he didn’t commit back in Turnabout Sisters, which is..troubling behavior from someone who supposedly took a Friends Forever oath. Oh, and that cameo of a young Franziska Von Karma. I’m very interested to see that character in action soon...

Nadja of Tomorrow - I...was not the biggest fan of this one. Mainly because I didn’t know what it was even trying to SAY. Seeing Kennosuke and Zabbie becoming such fast friends, especially after going “no girls allowed!” to Rita, just made me uncomfortable as I waited for the shoe to drop, and the way things played out ended up riddled with unfortunate implications. So Zabbie’s a tomboyish girl who’s mocked by and alienated from her peers for being such a blatant tomboy, is the only girl in a clearly dysfunctional family full of brothers, and her mother wants her to wear her dress and “become more of a woman” as she gets older, but Zabbie refuses. Since the final outcome is that Zabbie wears the dress, lets her hair down, and dances with Kennosuke at the festival, the episode seemed to take the position that SHE was the one in the wrong for not conforming to gender norms, as opposed to her peers and family members who expected her to conform. Yeah, they tried to save face with Nadja’s throwaway line about how Zabbie actually truly wants to be more of a girl but is too embarrassed to start trying so she just doubles down on being boyish instead, but that didn’t do anything to make this episode not reek of sexist Japanese standards for girls and women, which is particularly jarring since this one’s set in the Alps, not in Japan. On top of that, the episode didn’t have enough story to support it, so much time ended up getting spent on dance animation and the episode ended in the most underwhelming way possible! Really, the only thing of value I got from this one was the reveal about Chocolate and Cream. Otherwise, this episode can fuck off.

Mobile Fighter G Gundam - A part of me wishes that this show had taken the approach of Chibodee, Sai Saici, George and Argo being hosts for DG Cells all along, getting slowly corrupted without us knowing it until this episode. That would’ve been an amazing curveball twist, though seeing those four fighters being all evil and deadly was amazing enough itself. We also got two very notable events in this one - Rain’s first time fighting inside the Shining Gundam and even getting to do the finishing Shining Finger move along with Domon (Rain is fucking awesome, it can’t be overstated!), and the debut of Master Gundam, AKA the coolest looking Gundam piloted by the coolest villain in this series, though his identity was withheld for now. And so, shit has officially begun to get real.

AND

Black Lagoon - Watched the first two episodes of this anime, since they tell a complete story. I don’t typically go for these kinds of series’ where the ugly side of humanity is on full display (we got crooked corporations, mercenary soldiers, mercenary pirates, the Russian mafia, and a bunch of bar thugs all in the same premiere!) and everything gets all violent and gritty, but there is just enough self awareness and levity here to make it not horrible. From what little we saw of Balalaika here, she manages to be cool and charming despite being an awful person, I find myself enjoying watching the Lagoon Company in action (mainly Dutch and Revy, as Benny didn’t leave as strong an impression) because they’re awful people, and with Rock, I just can’t not love the concept of a college graduate Japanese Salaryman getting placed in these miserable circumstances that push him into bringing out his inner mad genius, especially when Brad Swaile is doing the character’s voice. All in all, a fun ride. Not a particularly exceptional anime - just pure, mindless, amoral fun.

#Anime Update

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def-initely-soul · 5 years

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Halloween Drabble

ANONYMOUS: Yoongi. A ghost that is returning to his human substance only in Halloween. Smut. Thank you! Bye

Original Update: October 29, 2017

…. Sigh

You asked for this…

Bias: Yoongi from BTS

Genre: Smut/Angst

Words: 2.3k

The night is finally here. The night before Halloween. The time the clock strikes 12 and the day changes to give space to October 31st.

The day he keeps coming back.

It’s been five years. Five whole years without him, where you learned to go on, to live, to walk, to eat, to breath without him. But every Halloween, the moment the days change and October 30th turns to October 31st he’s back.

You don’t know how or why but since he died, on Halloween night he keeps coming back. And not as a ghost. As him. Yoongi in flesh and bone. He appears into your house every year, real as you and tangible as the earth.

You anxiously wait every year for his return, the day being the only thing keeping you from descending into madness. Because, to be honest, you never got over his death and you never really moved on.

But this year something changed. One night you didn’t expect would come, you met someone. Someone funny and smart and kind. Someone that managed to make you forget. Someone that little by little started to heal that open wound on your chest.

And now you have to tell Yoongi.

You dread the moment he’ll come. You’re pretty sure he already knows.

When that someone kissed you for the first time all you wanted was to lose yourself in his kiss. But out of guilt and remaining feelings, your thoughts kept going back to Yoongi. So you broke up the kiss, tears in your eyes as you tried to explain without sounding like a lunatic. But he understood. He understood you needed time and space to figure out those feelings inside you and he promised to wait. Never once did he make you feel like you have something to give him and he has only been patient and kind.

But you are certain that in some of these moments, Yoongi was there. Watching, observing silently and you can’t shake the feeling of dread that consumes you.

Your alarm rings. Midnight.

You turn it off, immediately, legs bouncing anxiously as you look at the closed door of your bedroom. The seconds pass, an eerie silence covering the house as you only hear the sound of your breathing.

And then you hear it. Slow, heavy steps coming towards your bedroom. You take in a shaky breath.

The door handle turns slowly and the door cracks slightly. Your eyes are glued to the door as you wait for it to open completely.

Then Yoongi walks inside.

At first, his eyes are on the floor and that’s how you realize he knows. He walks forward, turning to close the door behind him and for a second he remains like this. His back facing you, his eyes on the door.

Then he exhales.

“Hey there…” he whispers as he turns to look at you. His eyes are soft and yet his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

You swallow nervously as you stand up from your bed. “Yoongi…” you begin but he interrupts you.

“Can we…” he begins, his voice shaky, “… Can we not talk about this now?”

“When should we talk about this?” you reply, your eyes careful and wary.

Yoongi rubs his temples, eyes closing.

“Just let me have this one day with you…” he whispers, his voice small and pleading and when he looks your way you can’t say no.

“Okay…” you whisper softly and he moves to sit beside you.

For a moment, neither of you move, too aware of each other and the situation currently plaguing your minds. But then you let your hand intertwine with his, skin soft upon his as your fingers lock with his.

He doesn’t look at you. Instead, his gaze is trained on your joined hands, looking at them with yearning, his expression stoic, trying to hide the sorrow in his heart.

But then his hand squeezes yours and you know that at least for now you can pretend nothing has changed.

You spend the entire day inside the house, watching movies, cooking his favorite dishes that he missed, talking about anything that’s been going on with your life, with the exception of one thing.

And now, as the sun has fallen down again and it gets closer and closer to the time he will be gone again, you have to talk to him.

You turn slightly in his embrace to look up at him, as you lay on your bed, as the credits roll up on the movie you were watching.

“Yoongi…” you whisper, catching his attention. His eyes turn to look at you questioningly but as soon as they see yours, they turn serious, realizing what this is about.

He sits up and the bed and you follow him. His hand falls from around your shoulders and he puts them on his lap.

“It’s time, isn’t it?” he chuckles quietly, but the sound is nothing sort of cheerful.

You don’t say anything as you wait for him to look at you. There is a dull ache, right there in the middle of your chest. One that comes from seeing his expression remaining calm and serene. But you know him far too well to know this is all a facade. That he tries to remain calm for your sake.

He releases a breath and then his eyes are on you. But you can’t help but notice they’re glistening with unshed tears.

“Do you love him?”

At the question, a quiet gasp escapes you. You can’t answer this question. Not to him.

“Yoongi, please…” you plead, eyes watering, voice small and breaking.

But he doesn’t back down. Even when one silent tear rolls down his cheek. “Do you?”

You feel something falling on your shirt and you realize you’re crying too. You bite your lips, trying to control the sobs that threaten to spill out. And you only nod.

Yoongi sucks a breath as he blinks at you, pressing his lips together before looking back at his lap.

You don’t know what to do. You want to hold him in your arms and promise that everything is gonna be okay. You want to take it all back and stay with him. Right here and right now. How you wish this day would just go on indefinitely so you don’t ever have to say goodbye.

But you can’t. You know that whatever happens now, Yoongi is gonna disappear as soon as the clock strikes twelve. And you can’t let yourself stay behind for a love that’s being gone for five years. For a love that was supposed to end five years ago. As much as you love each other, you know you’re both incredibly selfish to just ignore this is a situation that can’t work.

You need to move on and Yoongi needs to rest. And coming back every year only makes it harder for both of you.

You falling in love with someone else was just the catalyst. You should have ended it long before that.

But you just couldn’t. Even now, you want to keep him here. You want him to stay, to forget about everything that happened and just pretend. Pretend that for a little while everything is how it’s supposed to be. That he’s not dead and you’re just spending another night with him.

But it’s incredibly naive to think like that. And incredibly hopeless.

Yoongi nods back, no sound coming from his lips as he stands up from the bed.

“I should go then…” he whispers, afraid that if he speaks normally he won’t be able to control himself.

Your hand reach for his sleeve before he disappears, choked sobs echoing inside the room. “Don’t go…” you beg, not caring that he sees you crying.

You can’t do it. You can’t let him walk away again. You know you’re being selfish but you don’t care. You’re desperate for him to stay. Even if it’s for the next couple of hours.

He turns to look at you, eyes red and swollen, his expression heartbroken. His eyes are looking at you as if you’re the only thing he wants and he can’t have you.

Your bottom lip trembles as you wait for his response. But he doesn’t respond. He just looks at you, trying to convince himself to leave.

“Please…” the word only a whisper as it tumbles from your lips and Yoongi closes his eyes at the sound, breathing heavily. But then the slightest movement of his head informs you that he still can’t say no to you.

So he sits back on the bed, his face next to yours as he looks at you longingly. Like you’re trapped somewhere and he can only watch you from afar. Even if you’re standing next to each other.

His hands push a strand of hair behind your ear, as tears keep on rolling down your cheeks. He releases another shaky breath as he rests his forehead against yours. You close your eyes, losing yourself in that moment, indulging yourself in him because you can’t do otherwise.

“Yoongi…” you whisper helplessly as he caresses your cheek.

“What is it?” he replies, the sound of his voice as quiet as yours.

“Please, kiss me…” you plead, as your hand rests on his cheek.

He doesn’t wait any longer until he does.

His lips find yours in a soft kiss. It’s the lightest of touches, skin barely touching skin, gentle and innocent. Conveying every single emotion that’s taken over the two of you. Longing, sorrow, heartbreak, hopelessness. And love.

And then he kisses you again. This time is urgent, needy and desperate. Eager to feel more, to touch more, to lose yourselves into one another. His hands fly to your waist to press you against him, while yours tangle into his hair. Your breaths turn heavy as you struggle to control yourselves.

You’re both quick and careless in removing each other clothes, moans of relief and wanton the only sounds in the room. He lays you down on the bed, as his lips move to your neck, alternating between soft kisses and passionate bites.

You press more against him, yearning for him in every way possible, your hands traveling across his skin, memorizing every spot and every curve. You love every single part of him, every hidden crease, every little detail. Everything. You want everything. You need everything.

His hands are soft upon your skin, eliciting moans from your throat as he tries to give everything to you. He wants to make up for everything. He needs to be with you, to cherish you, to love you. To stay with you like this forever.

His lips find yours again, as he whispers your name like a prayer, quiet and soft as if it’s something sacred. His hands worship you, making you feel everything he refrains from saying. The moment seems infinite and holy, both of you deciding not to taint it with unnecessary words.

And when he finally is inside you, a gasp leaves your lips as you grip on his shoulders, the sound broken and silent, sending shivers down his spine.

Suddenly he’s all you can see, touch, smell, taste, hear, feel.

He’s everywhere.

His hands rest on each side of your face as his eyes find yours. They’re soft, humble and adoring as he begins to move.

Your eyes never abandon his as his hips continuously meet yours. His movements are slow and you raise your pelvis in time with him. Neither of you say anything, your eyes letting everything being said as his hands find yours and tangle them together.

Silent breaths mingle, his lips grazing yours and every movement, every sigh, every whisper of your names are intimate and only yours.

This moment right here is only yours.

And with one last movement, you both gasp as a wave of completion takes over you, eyes never abandoning each other, afraid that if you do the other one will disappear.

His hands still stay intertwined with yours, both of you breathing heavily. Then Yoongi slips from you, falling right next to you, his eyes locked with yours. HIs gaze is full of devotion and adoration. Looking at you as if you’re the only thing that matters to him and right now you are.

You lift your hand to touch his cheek fondly and as you caress his skin, he grips your hand to place a soft kiss on your palm.

And that’s when you notice it.

Yoongi glimmers, his image trembling as you look at his feet that start to fade away.

Your shocked eyes turn to him, already knowing that this isn’t like every other time he left.

Somehow you know that this is the last time you’ll see him.

“Yoongi, what-?” you choke out, eyes already welling up as you watch his body slowly disappear.

Yoongi looks at you with a sad smile on his lips and then he leans in for one last kiss. You let him touch you and then he licks his lips to capture the taste of yours.

“I love you…” he whispers, the sound final and accepting.

Like a goodbye.

A sob escapes you and now the only thing left visible is his face. “I love you too…” you cry softly.

And then you’re alone.

And you know it’s over.

I just want to say to whoever sent this…. I hate you

Sequel to: Random Drabble, although each one can be read alone.

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papermoth-bird-blog · 5 years

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San Francisco: The setting sun.

Early morning in San Francisco, might be one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. Especially in the quite of the Sunset district, which is the more “boring” part of town in which a lot of immigrant families have settled. The houses, though more simple in decoration than the Haight-Ashbury district, are still painted in all sorts of beautiful colours- many of them pastel tones; pinks, baby blues, pale greens & yellows. Walking in the empty streets of the region alone in the warm reflection of the houses has to be a version of heaven. At the very least, it would be an excellent location for a Sophia Coppola film- or girl gaze photo shoot (looking at you Ali).

My friend Asa’s friend Carolina lives in the sunshine district & that’s where I ended up staying on my second night in San Fran. The area has plenty of Chinese restaurants- that I wish I could say I went to, but alas, I didn’t. Apparently it’s some of the best Chinese food outside of China. I’ll have to make a point of going next time I’m in San Fran.

When I awoke at the hostel, I moved pretty quickly- packing everything away & hurrying down to get breakfast. Honestly, I loved the hostel & would be totally keen to stay there again. It’s the right amount of people, so you can be as social or as lonesome that you’d like without it being weird. It also just generally has good vibes. Plus the breakfast was included- so you know I tried to eat a days worth of food all in the morning to save monies. Although it is in the Tenderloin- which is where all the homeless people got pushed into when aggressive gentrification came and swept the city. After breakfast, I decided to check my bags there & pick them up later since I was already downtown. I left the building without even glancing at a map- happy to exploring in the way of getting terribly & wonderfully lost. Over the course of this trip I’ve become so comfortable & confident in doing so. I think part of my previous distress with the city is being inherently nervous there- so many people, so much to pay attention to in order to navigate it properly/safely. In working through my personal anxiety, I’ve also been able to inadvertently mend my relationship with cities themselves. That being said- I think I still have a country heart & will always crave place that don’t require shoes. Spending time in cities has been really good for me in a way I didn’t expect. I am happy for it.

I wandered through much of the city- first starting off conservatively in the flatter neighbourhoods; the mission, the Castro. Kluane said one of the things I must do is visit the Tartarine Bakery- one of her favourites in the entire world. By happy coincidence I stumbled upon it during my wandering. The line up was around the block- so you know it had to be good. Like everything in Sa Fran, it was a little expensive- but I got some small little bits in a box & took it with me to eat in a near by park. My favourite little bit was the raspberry meringue with cacao nibs. SOOO good. Not too sweet, wild texture. In the line, I heard some pretty funny conversations that showed the heart of San Francisco. The lady in front of me spoke loudly about the tenants of Eastern European Clowning. Others spoke about the odd theatre projects they hoped to get off the ground somehow. There was died hair & texture & wild patterns in the get-ups. I was starting to feel really good about it all.

After I finished eating (& drinking my Komboucha—which I promptly sent a review of to Ryan) I wandered over to Ashbury Heights. Hands down this is the most famous part of San Francisco. Complete with colourful “painted lady” Victorians, winding hills & people wearing outfits straight out of the late 60s. Haight street is the main hub of the area. I have to say, Haight probably has some of the best vintage stores I’ve ever been to. I’m not gonna lie.. In one store (that was gathered like a library of vintage, sorted by year) I had tears gathering in my eyes. The clothing there were each individual works of art. I spent a good chunk of time studying the hats stacked high to the ceiling, and then the beaded gowns from the 20’s. Again, all these things inspiring so many ideas for future themed parties & White Rabbit. I don’t have much room in my pack (or money for that matter), but I couldn’t leave without buying some beautiful silk scarves- so I could play the part of 50s femme fatale. I also found some really beautiful old postcards from San Fran, which I added to my collection.

The area is also home to some really fun cafes & great record shops. I partially wished I could have spent more time there, but I was craving the park. I wandered over to Golden Gate park which was near by. As I basked in the sun, looking at the fresh tree blossoms, I heard bongo drums carrying over the wind. In those moments, I felt the echoe of the 60s in such a real way. I picked some pear blossoms & stuck them in my hair, nestled under by new blue silk scarf & found a low twisted tree to settle into. I sat in the tree for what felt like forever, looking out over the hills towards the Spanish church steeples & the Golden Gate bridge peeking out over the city haze. I breathed deeply, basking in my peaceful lonesome thoughts. It felt so good to be my myself again. I thought of friends & home, and what it would take to make me feel more grounded there going forward. I feel so much more prepared to be steadfast in what I wanted in my life, the things I would no longer tolerate because they would not allow me to live in the peace I crave. I learned a lot about that through my inner turmoil in the Gopala situation. I talked to my friend Stephanie (who had just been in San Fran a few months back). We talked about the beautiful Botanical gardens in the park, but also exchanged some brief life updates.

Not long after that, as I wove on down the path from the hilltop of Beuno Vista park, the sole of my shoe (on my favourite fringe-toes boots) fell off. So I hobbled along with my sole flopping around like cartoon character. Despite my slight distress over the situation, I still had some stuff I wanted to do, so I continued wandering- albeit at a more manageable pace for my failing footwear.

I got myself back over to the mission area in search of a burrito. For some reason, there seemed to be a lot of pumpkins about- sat out on front porches of the colourful houses. Don’t know entirely what that was about- maybe its pumpkin season insanely early in Cali (doesn’t entirely seem sensicle to me), maybe they thrive in the zeitgeist of Halloween?? Anyways, I found the section that is the capital of burritoville. I chose taqueria Cancun- both because it’s supposed to be one of the best & I am heading to Cancun too.. so might as well get prepped. Despite it being massive, I ate the burrito in about two minutes. I have to say- it has got to be one of the best burritos I’ve ever had & I mean that. Pure & simple & perfect little baby sized wrap. After I polished off that baby off, I stumbled over to get my pack from the hostel.

In a series of unfortunate mis-understandings, I accidentally took an uber over to perhaps the sketchiest parts of the whole Bay area. Two hours later though, I found myself at Carolina’s in the quiet of the Sunset district- ready to crash on that basment couch. I had some quick conversations with the roommates- queer artist types- and then went to bed.

I woke in the early morning, before anyone else in the house. I went to the downtown area to a place called Mel’s diner to meet an old friend I knew in High School. My partial motivation for this, was to get more content for my friend’s diner instagram account. Seeing Monica was so nice. We were not particularly close in high school, but took all four years of visual arts together. She’s been living in California on and off for the last 5 years or so. Originally she was living in the mountains of Santa Cruz & found a really lovely community out there. Eventually, San Francisco lured her in. She told me of the awesome non-profit she first worked for, but eventually the astounding living costs forced her into the tech sector. She enjoys her job at a video game company, but after studying art history & global development, I think her heart still craves work in that area. We talked about how San Francisco’s tech boom is making it impossible for artists to stay here, creating work. Most of them have been pushed out to Oakland, but even Oakland is seeing such rapid gentrification, it is making it quite difficult for artists to stay- let alone continue to show their work. The same is happening in many other west coast art hubs like Portland & Seattle. Of course, once the artists leave, San Francisco will die in the ways it was. Which is terribly sad- confirming it is no longer the city of love it once was in decades past. For the moment, there are still glimpses of it though, and I hope to be back while it still exists in this manner. It was nice seeing Monica & see her doing so well now, even though she will likely soon have to leave San Francisco too. She definitely inspired me to go back to Santa Cruz for longer next time- there are some cool land projects & anarchist communities out there she thought I’d really jive with. She also told me about some cool farms in Big Sur. I can’t wait to get back there with my sisters. Monica was bullied in High school and it makes me so happy & relieved knowing that she found peace and acceptance away from Toronto. Giving me added hope for love & harmony around the world.

I walked Monica to work (she often has to work 7 days a week to make enough hours to get by- which is insane to her too). After that, I wandered by myself again- as it is my very favourite activity. I walked along the piers- that is to say for a few hours. I slowly made my way towards the golden gate bridge. I eventually got to the park just past the maritime museum in the fisherman’s warf. It was there that I got a message from my best friend Kluane. “Is it okay if I call you” she said. Of course, we often try and chat on the phone, but I had a feeling in that moment it was something important. I crossed my arms & called her in Winnipeg. She picked up right away & hurried into it. It echoed a call I had with my father last fall. She asked me if it was a good time to hear some difficult news. I mean I was in public, but once hearing that sentence it’s hard to delay hearing it anyways. Plus, I heard in her tone she needed to talk about something really important too.

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Danielle Moore.

As I looked out over the Golden Gate Bridge, Klu gently let me know that our friend Danielle Moore was on a flight heading to Kenya for a UN conference. She continued that the plane had gone down & there had been no survivors. I could hear the shock in her voice still. I didn’t even really notice that I had started crying. After a relatively short chat, we hung up the phone & agreed to talk soon. I spent the next half hour crying in that park alone- trying my best not to full out sob loudly- I don’t know how effective I was in that effort.

I met Danielle in university. In second year we had been nextdoor neighbours- living in twin houses Victorian houses. Due to the fact that they looked exactly the same, we our separate friend group inadvertently often waltzed right into the other’s apartments. Once, Danielle’s partner so far as walked into my roommate’s room, only then realizing he was in the wrong place. During warmer months, both of our house hold would spend days drawing in chalk on the sidewalks outside & strumming ukelele’s & doing crafts. We went to eachother’s house parties. A year or so later, we found our paths crossing even more often, trading often on BUNZ & finding ourselves at a lot of the same events. Danielle had some of the most brilliant optimism & energy I’d ever witnessed. She tirelessly worked towards making the world a better place- widely diversifying her causes. She was honestly so inspiring & hands down one of the friendliest people I’ve ever met. I know a lot of people say that about people that have passed away. I can’t emphasize how true it was; Is. If Danielle was still here, the same things would still be said. I am in a state of absolute shock. I know the wider community is too.

As Klu said, it just seems so wholly unfair, that something so horrible would happen like that- especially to Danielle. There is no making sense of it. Kluane & Danielle had become really close over the last year- as they had both been living in Winnipeg. When Leon, Klu’s brother was to visit after Klu returned to Winnipeg (after meeting us in Mexico), they had made plans to go skating all together. My heartbreaks for her in such a really way too. She’s been doing her very best to honour Danielle in anyway she can & has been spearheading a ritual for all of Danielle’s loved ones across the world. I am doing my best to support that goal, despite my physical distance.

After my good public sob-fest, I called my sister on the phone to tell her. I decided to by my ticket back to LA there & then. I wanted to be around someone I knew, even just to be there quietly next to them. Having family near-ish felt like a good option for me. I soon texted Mia that I would be coming back earlier than expected.

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I still owed Gopala money from our roadtrip up the coast. I met up with him & tried my best to be brief. He told me he had been worried about me. I told him I was sorry, but that I had really needed to be alone for the past day & had purposely not been looking at my phone. I also briefly mentioned the news I had just learned about Danielle. He said some swift thing like “Well remember what Krishna told Arjuna, when Arjuna expressed his fear of his friends dying”. The thing is I knew. I still know. I haven’t lost that picture. I have better tools now, and do not feel the urge to fall apart like I did when my cousin died (although even then I managed not to). Ellie’s death was perhaps the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through in my entire life. And I am surviving that. It has prepared me for so much, including Danielle’s horrible death. I kinda wanted to smack him… just a little. Okay, maybe just pinch him a little. I just feel huge resentments towards people who speak to me like I am being some overdramatic-woman-type creature. As if being upset at my friend’s death was an overreaction of some sort (I had resolved my composure at this point). As if I was some person that needed to be lulled back into a rational state of mind. In fact, I think I am quite good at that- the key being that I allow myself to fully feel my feelings through a purge of emotion. I guess it’s not my buisness what other people’s opinions of me are. Their opinions are only a reflection of their own inner psyche. So, I learned in that moment not to give single shit about what he thought & do whatever I needed to do to feel okay.

Danielle wasn’t in my everyday anymore, though, I suppose she had been for a few years. I cannot imagine the heart pain of the people that were so deeply intertwined with hers. For Kluane who did have her in her everyday. For her partner Colby, who had had her in his everyday for so so so many years at this point. I have such fond memories of Colby & Danielle doing goofy sung duets- Colby occasionally pulling out his Kermit the frog puppet. They had hosted countless potlucks gathering the community throughout university & beyond. My heartaches for her family. How absolutely horrible & out of the blue. She had flown so many times- travelling all around the country with her job. There is just no making sense of it, even though I am still trying for some reason.

I got myself to the bus stop & climbed onto the bus feeling partially numb. I did a pretty good job of not crying- though I still welled up with tears on a semi-regular basis, trying not to freak out the girl that was sitting next to me. I checked in on Klu, who went ahead with performing in her Hip-Hop dance recital- which I am so unbelievably proud of her for. Katie told me that yesterday, a letter arrived for Klu from Danielle. From what I know, the letter contained fairly ordinary, but non-the-less lovely thoughts & dreams. I can’t imagine what getting a letter like that would be like. I do remember how scared I was went they first found Katie’s tumour though. How precious it was to have time to process all of it. With Danielle’s passing, there was non of it.

I got into LA & after a rather fumbly uber ride, I found myself on the couch of my uncles house yet again. In the morning, Tom woke me up & asked if I wanted to do yoga on the beach with Mia & him. Of course I said yes. I feel more grounded now that I have the tools do deal with all these emotional difficulties. But I can’t help have my mind wander over to thoughts of Danielle quite often.

So too, were my thoughts wandering over to the imminent flight I too was supposed to be boarding in order to travel to Mexico. Mia & Tom were both flying out the following day too- and we tried to keep our fear to the minimal, by not talking about it too much.

We were gentle with out last day in LA. We rode those uber scooter’s back and forth between Venice Beach and Santa Monica. I’m glad I finally got to find them- they are so fun. More importantly that gave me that same wholly free feeling I had in riding that rusty old bike around New Orleans. I had a rush of realization with how much I loved LA. Venice Beach in particular. I have such gratitude for the laid back warmth this area provides. It was like a really soft cushion to fall onto after a challenging week.

We ate at swinger’s diner & talked about family dynamics, Danielle & Ellie & about what we would all do in Toronto when we got there. Of course, my thoughts flickered to the fact that that meant more plane rides. I had only extremely recently become completely comfortable with planes after all this time. My flights are already booked though, and I am determined not to have fear steal my wanderlust. Anyways, I miss my sisters. And seeing them means going to Europe.

I caught up with some friends while I walked around Venice beach by myself later that day. Stopping to look at the deep fried oreos that were calling out my name, until I decided to ignore them. I hung out with Tom & Caroline in the apartment for the rest of that evening, as Eric & Mia went out for dinner just the two of them. I passed out on the couch a little cookie drunk. We had been watching Christopher Robin (after it became very clear that Blood Diamond was WAY too violent for me these days). Of course normally I would have been sure to pack my bag meticulously the night before, but in my altered state I chose to fall asleep instead. I resolved to wake early & do it then, meaning I knida rushed it, packing in the dim morning light of Mia’s still darkended bedroom. Tom Left early, then it was me, then Mia left an hour later- all at differet terminals, so I guess it didn’t really matter we weren’t able to hang at the airport together.

In my haste, I forgot to take my grohman pocket knife out of my purse…which I only realized as they searched my bag. The lady at TSA looked at me like I had done it on purpose & was an absolute criminal. She noted it down on my record. I cried. Honestly because that knife meant to much to me & was one of my prized pocessions. I reminded myself there was more important things in the world & that I could always eventually get a new one. But I continued crying a bit anyways- my thoughts drifting along other paths. Danielle. The coming plane ride. My knife. My frustration with myself. But mostly it became about the plane.

After that incident, I pretty well ran through the airport to make the flight, so there wasn’t that much to think afterall. When I got onto the aircraft I forbaid myself from thinking any bad thoughts. “not in here” I repeated internally. I closed my eyes once I was settles & chooed the thoughts out of my brain. Repeating my mantra over and over and over. Somewhere in there I came back into awareness enough to fill out my immigration form.

When I landed in Cancun I was exhausted & downed a whole bag on banana chips out of frustration. I took the bus into Playa del Carmen where Katie was waiting for me. The humidity here struck me immediately. Especially seeing as I had a huge pack & was still wearing my jeans- which seemed wholly reasonable in California, but ridiculous here. Seeing Katie felt unreal. When I saw her face, it was like I came into realization that I was really there- that I had survived my flight & I could enjoy the next couple weeks with my friends.

Katie had offered to stay on the phone with my as I boarded. I was relieved I didn’t need that, although I was grateful for the offer. The past few days we have been scheming ways of supporting Klu on her journey here. Not only is she sure to be exhausted, I understand the fear she is experiencing in getting on the plane. Anything we can do to help her, Katie & I are determined to carry out.

For right now, for me, that looks like doing some of the footwork of contacting some of the organizations Danielle was a part of to inform them of the ritual. And also check on Klu and do my best to support her in these moments- though I know she’s thrown herself fully into planning (which she thrives in anyways). I don’t know what support will look like here in Mexico, but we will have to play it by ear. We will only be able to tell when it happens. All I know is that during a time like this, it’ll be so nice to have some of my best friends all together again.

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malpractice123 · 7 years

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The Chronicles of M&M... FINALE

So, it's been almost 3 years since my last post of the Chronicles of M&M. After I posted that, a lot of people messaged me with words of encouragement or questions etc. Well, here's an update because I kinda feel obligated to post it. I've read stories where the author doesn't finish them or I can't find the next part and it tears me apart trying to figure out what the hell happened, so here's what happened. Be warned, it's a long one (also, slight trigger warning for self harm and weight issues) So on November 29th, 2014, my high school had its last football game. I'm not sure what information I put in my last posts, but I know I said he was section leader of the sousaphones and I was section leader of the flutes. So, this was our last football game of our senior year, our last marching band show. I had wandered up towards the sousaphones and was talking with them during our free time, pouting about how he was off somewhere else doing God knows what (I found out later that he was looking for me). Finally, in the last couple minutes of our free time, I found him by the side of the bleachers. We huddled together for warmth and he put his arm around me (squee!). I stole some of his fries and we huddled together until free time was over. After the game we went back to the bus and cuddled up under a fleece blanket, trying to get warm. This was the day we had our first date. We went to the movies after the game and saw Big Hero 6. I spent most of the movie either cooing at the adorableness of Baymax or begging him silently to hold my hand (he didn't until we were walking out of the movie theater). Fast forward to December 10th. We have our first kiss in his pick-up truck. I still know exactly what I was wearing. We spent every moment together that we could, either just sitting in the parking lot after school or meeting up at one of our houses. We went to our band's semi-formal (it was my first dance where I had an actual date) and we went to prom together. So finally, it comes to leaving for college. We were both really torn up about this. We were scared that, even though we would only be half an hour away from each other, the distance would hurt our relationship. During this exchange we both cried in each other's arms for a very long time. Eventually I mustered up the ability to give him what I had planned to. I took my special bow ring off of my finger and gave it to him. I told him that, whenever he missed me or was having a particularly difficult time at school, that he would always have me and that no matter what, I'd be close to his heart. He put it on a chain and never took it off. He fiddled with it constantly and I don't know if he ever took it off. Over the next year I fell farther and farther in love with this man. He was my best friend in the entire world. He knew all of my secrets and knew the best ways to make me smile. Like a naive teenager, I started visualizing our future, naming children, talking about how the house was going to look and where it was going to be. He was 100% in on this plan and often helped make them. Usually his were the more fun, outrageous ideas (i.e. a wave pool in the backyard) and they always made me laugh and feel good because he was so passionate about the future and he knew exactly what he wanted out of life. I couldn't imagine my life without him. We bought bus tickets to get from place to place as neither of us had cars. We went to football games and went ice skating. I met all of his friends and he met mine. Over the summer after freshmen year, we both had jobs that worked us hard, but we managed to hang out a lot. My favorite was when we went to a drive in movie at a place close by. We packed up an air mattress, a bunch of blankets and pillows, and watched the movies while snacking on kit-kats and Reese's. We watched the Independence day fireworks together, and I couldn't have asked for a better time. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Sophomore year of college things changed. He was able to have his truck on campus so that would, supposedly make it easier for us to see each other. We were both excited and hopeful that this semester would go better for both of us. However, he was insistent on focusing on grades and school. I could accept this. Around Halloween, we started talking less and less. We grew distant and I was scared. I didn't really have all that many friends in college, and wasn't involved in much. So I felt like all I had was him. And I thought I was losing him. When I came back for Thanksgiving break, he told me we needed to talk, and he met me at my house after I had a doctor's appointment (I'd been having a lot of health problems and I didn't know what the heck it was). When he pulled up he got out and he was crying. He told me he thought we should break up. He said we didn't have anything in common anymore and he wanted somebody who went outside more (I'm addicted to Tumblr, what the hell was I supposed to do). Anyways, we broke up, but kept talking. I couldn't lose my best friend like that. I was really upset that the reason he didn't think we should date anymore was the fact that we didn't have anything in common anymore. So I typed up all my reasons for why I didn't think we should break up. He said he'd think about it. And a couple days later (officially the 30th of November, the day after our 2 year anniversary) he asked me to be his girlfriend again. My life was back in order. I had my best friend back. Things went back to the way they were. It was almost like nothing had happened. The second semester started and with it came hell in the form of school and workload. We became very wrapped up in work, and after February, we practically didn't see each other at all. Spring break came and went (we had different times for break, which made things really shitty) and we were back in school. His birthday was in March so I figured I'd go back on birth control and surprise him for his 20th birthday (we are both consenting adults, deep breaths). But we didn't see each other for his birthday. Every time I wanted to see him there was some reason we couldn't. Exams or projects for his dorm council etc. We stopped skyping (it had been our lifeline for the past 2 years). My grades were gradually getting better after the hell my health had put me through, and even though I felt like a piece of me was drifting away, I figured that it would get better in the summer when we could see each other without school stress and homework. Fast forward to the last day of school. He had been out of school for a week at that point and at home for a week off before he started working at the same place he did last year. My parents spring on me that my dad had accepted a job in another state (the state we are originally from) and we were moving at the end of the summer. My heart drops and I realize that moving out of state wasn't going to bring us together. If anything it would do the opposite. So I did what I usually do when I don't know what to do and I'm scared and upset. I called my best friend. I told him what was happening, and I asked if he would just try, try and keep this up and work on it. I would still be going to the same college, so we'd be close during school, but I'd be living in a different state at other times. The silence I got from that was deafening. Finally it got out that he realized he didn't love me the same anymore. That he wasn't willing to put in the effort needed for this relationship to work out. And that maybe it wasn't meant to be. At this point I clarified that this was it, that we were over, and hung up, going to throw up in the bathroom and cry the rest of my guts out. Over the next couple days we continued to talk. I knew that this time it was over for real, and no matter how much effort I poured into it that it wouldn't fix it. But I still needed my best friend. Especially now that my family was moving. I was asking him reasons why and everything. Surprisingly, when I talked to him about things I was okay, but whenever my parents came to talk to me about something or offered that we go out and shop or whatever (looking at new colleges was a very big thing at this point) I would break down and regress back into the depression and slight self-harm tendencies that I'd gone through before we had moved to the state we live in now. But talking with him made it better. I could calm down, he could say something to make it all better. Eventually I got up the courage to ask the question that had been going through my mind, if him not being in love with me the same way had anything to do with my weight. He admitted that, although he didn't want it to, my weight had been a factor. Side-notes about the weight - When we started dating in high school I was just under 140 lbs. I was happy with my body and my weight. Then college. Everybody knows what happens in college. My freshman 15 turned into a freshmen 30, then a sophomore 30. Now I weigh approximately 190 lbs. I had been working hard and have lost 10ish pounds in the past couple months because I wanted to work on it. I wasn't happy with my body and it was getting really frustrating that I didn't have clothing that fit. So I had started to work on my weight. I knew that I didn't look the same as I did in high school. And I wasn't proud of that fact. This was something that I had shared with him frequently. He encouraged me to start working on it. I found a friend and we had started to work out together. Anyways, before y'all get all uppity about how my weight shouldn't have any say in the relationship and it doesn't matter what you look like etc, if he didn't find me attractive anymore, then he shouldn't have to pretend he does, right? He was upset about this himself, saying it made him feel like somebody he didn't want to be, who valued looks more than personality. I understand where he is coming from, and this won't send me on a spiral into eating disorders and such. Currently (it being just over a week since this happened), I am okay. I've started more vigorously adhering to a diet and have plans set in place for exercise. I've been accepted into a nursing program at a satellite campus for the college I have been attending for the past 2 years. I got a 93.3% on the TEAS exam (a nursing entrance exam where the national average is a 64%) which placed me in the 99th percentile of people who have taken it. This post isn't meant to bring in pity or sympathy. I'm not trying to gain attention for what happened to me or anything. I just wanted to finish out something I started almost 3 years ago and talk out what happened because typing all this stuff felt really good. If anybody is still reading at this point, feel free to PM me any questions or anything, I'd be happy to answer them. Anybody needing advice is welcome too, though I can't promise any professional advise or anything, remember, I too am merely a Tumblr addict and you may just get a response with a picture of a cat or a Harry Potter meme… Less than three, Me :)

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