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#i think my old therapist would be proud of me. granted i have whole new issues. but for this at least. i think she'd be proud of me.
47-protons · 1 year
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A weird little rambling thing about prude in the tags. I'm fine though slash gen
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rogerslovesstark · 3 years
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Hi there! A huge fan 💜💙 I was wondering if your requests are open?
If yes, could you please write an angsty fic where in reader is dating Bucky and for some reason he belittles her and breaks off their relationship. After which eventually everyone on the team stops talking to her. She's forced to leave off on her own and struggles a lot. Later Bucky realises his mistake and tries to contact her but the old her is gone. Like she finds her own happiness. Sorry if it's too detailed☹️
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader
Word Count: 1.7k
WARNING: Angst
Your recruitment to the team was quick and very low-key. Almost no one knew that you had joined the Avengers because you requested Tony not to hold a press conference. You loved being an Avenger, the idea of helping people in need was so fulfilling.
However, the spotlight of being an Avenger was not pleasant. You did not know how Tony and Steve were able to handle it, the constant feeling of eyes on you, paparazzi almost always being on top of everything you do.
The few events you did go to, you stood with Bucky most of the time. He always kept you safe and comfortable while the party was booming. The two of you would walk around the venues Tony would rent out, looking at the architecture of the building, admiring the art that was around.
The conversation was kept minimal because there was already so much noise from the party. Both silently agreed that there was no need for extra noise.
It was the New Years Party two years ago where Bucky asked you if you wanted to slow dance. The Venue had multiple balconies and he chose the smallest one for the two of you to dance.
The two of you swayed to the soft music that could be heard from the party. Once the clock hit 12:00, Bucky leaned over and kissed you. You two began dating shortly after.
Every Sunday was a day for a date unless either of you had a mission. Every other week you planned a date for you and Bucky, walks in the park, restaurants, bars, everything you could think of.
You developed a dependency on Bucky. Always seeking his reassurance, seeking his comfort and touch. You felt as though you were not complete unless you were with Bucky. 
Your childhood was to blame, primarily your father. Physically, your dad was there but not emotionally. You never received emotional love from your father, the ‘I’m so proud of you’ or ‘you’re doing amazing’ Just a stiff nod.  
Being raised by your psychotic father was the reason you developed into the cold-hearted killer you were. From 16-19, you worked as a mercenary and killed for money.
You craved emotional validation from someone because you were so deprived of it when you were a child. You struggled to form relationships with others because of it too. That was one of the main reasons why you were not as close to the team.
Bucky would always smile at you, or kiss you when you were excited about something you would accomplish. On missions, he would always stay near you unless instructed otherwise by Steve. 
Bucky has been extremely off recently, always working with Steve, or working out with Sam, helping Wanda train her new abilities because it’s hard to kill a super-soldier than a normal human. 
He had missed five Sunday dates. Five of them. In those five weeks, you barely saw him and it was driving you crazy. You constantly would search for the time where the two of you could just be alone. You were so deprived of physical touch and emotional love, you began to fall into a depressive state. 
You walked towards the conference room, you asked Friday where Bucky was. She said he was in the conference room alone which is weird that she specified.
You opened the door and found Bucky just sitting on his phone. It was almost 10:30pm and he was just chilling in the conference room on his phone.
“Baby, I’ve been looking for you,” You said, walking over to him and running your hands along his broad and muscular shoulders. He was always so tense when he was sitting hunched over.
He shrugged you off his shoulders and turned to look at you. Not a soft, loving kind of look that a lover would typically give his lover; he gave a harsh glare as if you had done something to him. 
“God, you are so fucking annoying, you know that,” Bucky said. He grabbed that hand that was touching you and stood up from his chair. He let go of your hand rather quickly as soon as he stood from the chair. 
“I can’t fucking stand being around you Y/n, I don’t know why I ever asked you to be my fucking girlfriend,” He said, lowering his face closer to your face so the two of you were at eye level. 
Tears pooled in your eyes, every word he said was like a thin blade stabbing you in the stomach over and over again. You did not know what you did wrong, you had not even seen him in almost a week despite living with him.
“I’m sorry Bucky, I’ll be better, what can I do to be better, please,” You whispered, if your voice were any higher, you would being sobbing. 
Bucky just watched as you pathetically tried to hold your sobs in. You really were a weak woman and Bucky knew that. He knew that he held you in the palm of his hand and if he wanted to, he could break you.
He watched as your world crumbled around you because Bucky had decided to hurt you. Your hands were shaking and curled into fists. Your nose was turning red from holding back your tears.
“You are nothing without me, and I don’t want you anymore, so get the fuck out of my face and leave. No one on the team likes you, they would rather see you dead than ever have to see your horrific face ever again.” Bucky snarled, ready to see you burst into tears.
He knew that was the last straw.
You quickly turned around and left before you burst into tears. Bucky grabbed your arm and tried to turn you around, wanting to see you cry. You were forced to turn around, tears in your eyes pulling your hand back and smacking Bucky on his cheek. 
You left him dazed in the conference room. You ran to your shared room, collecting all your belongings. You had a small apartment in the heart of Montreal that no one knew about. You deliberately left off your information given to FRIDAY.
“FRIDAY, get rid of all information regarding Y/N L/N” You requested.
“Request denied, reasoning: unauthorized access to function,”
“Override denial, code Tony Stark has a fat ass” You rolled your eyes at the code Tony had told you to be used as a last resort code.
“Permission granted, removing all information regrading Y/N L/N,”
You grabbed a piece of paper on your desk, writing a short goodbye to Tony knowing he would wonder where you went. You quietly walk over to Tony’s office and placed it on the monitor he mainly used.
You left the compound shortly after, walking seven miles to the small car you planted in the forest. You prepared this as a last resort option. You never wanted to use this car but times were desperate and you had to get away from Bucky.
++++
You were struggling, barely able to figure out how to live on your own. The money you had saved from working for the Avengers was running low and the waitress job you did have has barely enough to pay the bills you had. 
Montreal was really expensive you ended up realizing, with such a horrible job, you sold your apartment and moved in with some college students in a small house. You shared a bedroom with one of the women in the house. 
Ashley, your roommate, actually found the job for you, she helped you changed your appearance and spotted your money whenever you were desperate for it.
You had no skill set for an actual job, the only skills you had were killing. And your skills had developed rapidly as an Avenger. You knew what you had to do to survive.
The first kill that you had was a child trafficker in Toronto. Ashley covered for you, saying you two would go to a spa for a girl's weekend. She stayed at the spa while you finished the job. You gave her 20% of the income made. 
You two had gotten close over the two years that you spent in the shared house. She was one of the only people that you trusted at this point. She suggested that you started therapy, which you decided to actually go to.
Your therapist wanted you to start realizing that you were more than who you surrounded yourself in. You deserved the love that you craved and you could only get it when you truly loved yourself.
++++
Bucky was laying in the bed the two of you shared. Two years had passed since he had driven you out of his life. He didn’t know why he did it, he was so upset because he saw you flirting with Tony. But Tony got engaged to Pepper only a few days later. 
After nine months of you being away, he started to crave your presence in his life. He asked FRIDAY where you were but she had no information on you. When FRIDAY said she had no information on you, he had one of the biggest meltdowns he ever experienced. 
You were officially gone from his life. Even with all the winter soldier experience of tracking people down, he couldn’t find you. Bucky knew that you were smart, you could hide in plain sight if you wanted to. 
It was in Toronto that he saw you again. Bucky’s whole world stopped after he saw you. You were so different now. Your hair was completely different from what he was used to, and you dressed differently too. 
It took him two months to finally get you to speak to him.
“What do you want Bucky?” The way you used to speak to him was so soft, now you were so cold towards him. Bucky’s stomach churned, almost nervous to respond to you.
“Y/n, please come back, I’m sorry for everything I have done to you, everything I said was a lie. I still love you” Bucky pleaded to you. 
“Bucky I’m not the same woman I used to be, you broke me, I was so broken and I was the only one who fixed me. You don’t get to come back after I learned how to not live with you.” You shouted at him.
Tears pooled in Bucky’s eye, he had lost the one person who had shown him, true love. The one person he wanted to protect for the rest of his life. He lost you, forever.
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rantingwriter · 3 years
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Accidentally in Love (Hawks x Civilian Reader) Finale
Trigger warning: strong language, long hospital stay, slight angst
A couple of months passed since that magical night out with Hawks. You noticed his visits after that became more and more infrequent. You weren’t too worried at first, he is a pro-hero he is naturally busy. Now...you just weren’t sure what to think. “Yo, [y/n], how long are you trying to make your scarf?” Hime catches your attention and you quickly realize you made a 7 foot long plaid scarf. 
“Oh, shit...uh…” you start to work in reverse to shorten the scarf back up to a more reasonable length. Today was knitting day, but you managed to convince Yumi (the recreation therapist) to let you use your quirk instead of the knitting needles. “Sorry, I was lost in thought.”
“No worries, but what’s got you spacing out like this?” Ayame asks, only making a potholder with her limited (but slowly improving) range of motion. 
“It’s-” you quickly check your surroundings before quietly continuing. “Hawks, he hasn’t been by in weeks…” 
“He is a top ten pro hero, from my understanding that means they are notoriously busy.” Ayame tries to reassure you, but you have been telling yourself that too much to believe it. “Do you have his number? Maybe you can call him.” 
“I do have his office number, but wouldn’t that be weird? What would I even say?” 
“Maybe, how’s it going? Just checking in? Hadn’t heard and wanted to see if you are alright?” Hime ticks off options on her fingers, she is doing some embroidery which is a bit easier to complete one handed. “Even just a text would probably help put your mind at ease.” 
You nod and finish your scarf up, folding it up onto the table for Yumi to come see. “Maybe after the group,” you continue to converse with the girls and Yumi praises your work when she gets to you. After the group wraps up, you go down to the hospital payphone, your cell is dead and you don’t have enough patience to wait for it to charge right now. You call the number Hawks gave to you. “Come on…” You hold your breath as it rings, your heart sinking when you get an answering machine. At the tone you do your damnedest to stop your voice from quivering with emotion. “Hey! It’s [y/n], I haven’t seen you around and I figured I would check in on you. I know you are probably busy, but...well...I guess I miss you.” You feel a lump form in your throat. “Just give me a call back or, uh, or a text, my number is…” you recite your cell phone number and tell him to have a good day before hanging up. You lean your forehead against the slightly warmed phone as it hangs from the receiver. Your heart is aching, “damn it, why am I so upset about this?” When your landlord kicked you out 4 weeks ago, you felt fine. You had a plan and your friends helped you out. You haven’t been making much progress since that first step, you weren’t upset, frustrated? A tad, but not the same level you got to in your first month here. Hawks ghosting you...just hit differently. You wheel your way back to your room, hoping he was waiting there, but alas it was empty. You set your scarf on the little table and get back in the familiar bed. You go against your better judgment and turn on the news, the silence in the room is just too much right now. 
“In other news, pro-hero Hawks has been reported missing after taking on the mission to hunt down the dangerous villain: Live Wire.” The news anchor continues to speak, but you can’t hear it. You drop the remote to the floor with a loud clatter. 
Fumi suddenly bursts into your room, “[Y/n]!” Your head slowly turns to meet her gaze, her voice barely registering. “Shit, I was afraid you would see that…” She quickly turns the TV off. “Word traveled fast, Mayu is a wreck and I heard you tried to call him.” 
You swallow dryly, “he can’t be missing, he just can’t be. Maybe he is laying low? Or the media is trying to throw them off the trail?” You were trying to think of any possible alternative, but Fumiko somberly shakes her head no. “He can’t be gone!” 
“[Y/n], I need you to calm down, take a deep breath for me.” She tries to reach out, but you swat her away. 
“There is no way! I refuse to believe it! I-I can’t believe it!!” Your voice is steadily rising in pitch, your breathing is growing too erratic for your own good. Your friend quickly calls for help and your room fills with nurses and a doctor. They have to administer a mild sedative to bring you down from your near hysteria levels of panic. It ends up knocking you out for a couple of hours, your friend returning to work with a note left on your table with the promise to return that night. When you come to, you feel numb, someone you have grown to hold quite dear is missing and you are powerless to do anything. A nurse comes in to check your vitals when your phone buzzes with a message from an unknown number. You wait for the nurse to finish up before checking to see if it was an automated message or scammer preying on the weak again. Shock overcomes you as you read the messages. 
Unknown: “Hey, it’s Hawks.” 
Unknown: “Don’t respond, I’m not keeping this phone or this number.” 
Unknown: “I hope you didn’t see that news report, but if you have, I’m okay.” 
Unknown: “This mission is going to be a long one so I won’t be able to stop by. I’m sorry if I caused you any concern, but I was told not to tell anyone about this mission.”
Unknown: “I’m going to trust you to keep this between us ;)” 
Unknown: “I promise to make up for my absence…”
Unknown: “When I return, I want to take you out on a date.” 
Unknown: “And yes I mean a date date, not some half assed play date or anything that’ll leave you wondering where things are going.” 
Tears pepper your phone screen, you felt so much relief and joy at just a few messages. Even if this was a sick, elaborate joke meant to make you think it was him, you held onto hope it was the genuine article. 
Unknown: “Just know that I haven’t forgotten about you. I miss you...and I know it is incredibly selfish of me to ask…”
Unknown: “Please, wait for me.” 
You nod as if he can see you, “I’ll wait, please just be safe.” You sob, your fingers clutching the scarf you made for him. 
Unknown: “I have to go now. I want you to focus on your recovery, don’t worry about me. I’ll see you as soon as I can.”
The last one was sent a few minutes ago, you bury your face in your knees and let it all out. Fumiko comes by like she promised and you have feign ignorance about his whereabouts. You do your best to follow his last request and focus on your recovery. He was working hard, so you would too. 
Two more months go by, no news of his whereabouts and no more secret messages either. Mayu hasn’t been herself since the announced disappearance, but she was powering through for her patients sake. You on the other hand have made great progress, you are finally walking. Actually walking! Granted you still need support to maintain balance, but you are able to move your legs again. You still utilize your wheelchair to get around the hospital, but you are doing your best not to rely on it too much now that you are regaining mobility. 
After a couple of weeks of steady improvement, they are talking about a possible discharge date. You aren’t sure how to feel, you are ready to be back out and about and get back to your life. Yet at the same time there is still so much to take care of that you can’t help but feel overwhelmed. Rika tries to help by apartment hunting in your stead, now that a release date is on the calendar, but you still need to ensure the job offer is still in place with Best Jeanist. 
Before you know it, you are walking without support and you are preparing to leave the hospital that has become your home for nearly a year. Hime and Ayame are so excited for you, both are still stuck for a little while longer, but you promised them to visit as often as possible. You thank all of your therapists, the ones who have been there the whole journey and the ones who only made occasional appearances. Your bags are packed, your prosthetic is in tip top shape, and your transport is all ready to go. Tomorrow, you are going home. You feel more melancholy than joy about the occasion. Part of you hoped Hawks would be back by now to see you off or at least hear some type of news on his whereabouts. You turn on the news right before bed, a new ritual just to see if there have been sightings or anything at this point. Expecting the same old news, you leave it on as background noise and busy yourself with something else.
Breaking news! Flashes across the screen and the news anchor fervently announces, “Hawks has finally returned after being off the grid for nearly 6 months. The villain known as Live Wire now confined to the maximum security prison of Tartarus!” You feel your heart swell, he is finally back! A loud ding of your phone alerts you to a new message. 
New number: “Come to the roof.” 
You quickly get in your wheelchair and wheel your way to the roof. You throw the door open and you feel your heart skip a beat. It’s him! It’s really him! He turns to face you as soon as he hears the metal door. His face is beaming, “Hey there kid.” The sound of his voice washes over you like a refreshing breeze on a hot day. “You look great, how are things going with treatment?” 
You smile brightly, rising up from your wheelchair, you make it look like you have simply mastered standing. When you start running towards him, his face quickly morphs to one of shock. You leap at him, throwing your arms around his neck as he effortlessly catches you. You can hear the smile in his voice as he shouts out, “Holy shit!” He tightens his hold around you. “Holy shit!!” He lets go of you and pushes you back to look at you, his hands still firmly on your shoulders. “You are walking! You-you are running!!” He is a sputtering, excited mess. 
“I actually leave tomorrow, I finally did it!” You cheer with him, lightly jumping as his wings puff up and expand outwards. 
“I’m so proud of you! I wish I could’ve been here to see you,” his wings start to droop, but you quickly gather him back up and just embrace him for a minute. 
“You are here now,” he returns the sentiment, burying his face into your shoulder. You both stay like that for a long time, relishing in the closeness and warmth. You finally break the silence, whispering in his ear. “So, still planning to take me out on a date?” 
His breath tickles your skin as he chuckles, “of course,” he leans back his arms still firmly around you. “I wanted to talk to you before this mission, but...shit happens.” He starts to caress your cheek, halting his efforts to tug the glove off with his teeth. His warm hand has a much more welcoming feeling than the rough texture of the glove. “I really like you, more than I’ve ever liked anyone. I know we had a rocky start and things haven’t been the easiest since we met, but…” He hesitates, unsure how to continue when you throw the scarf you made him around the back of his neck and yank him close enough to press your lips to his. He jerks back initially, it takes him a few seconds to register what just happened. When the lightbulb in his brain lights up, he grabs the side of your face and crashes his lips into yours. You can’t help but laugh at his actions, wrapping your arms around his neck to solidify the connection. You are first to break it to catch your breath. 
“I like you too, you goof.” You affectionately rub your nose against his and he rests his forehead against yours. 
“I’m glad, I was more scared of this conversation than I was facing that villain.” You both laugh as you step back to properly wrap the scarf around him. “What’s this?” 
“Something I made for you...think of it as a gift to cover the holidays I missed.” He smiles as he feels the material between his fingers. 
“Thank you,” he takes your hands in his and lightly swings from side to side. When this all started, you couldn’t see a future, you felt lost, alone, and just empty. Now, you’ve made new friends, you felt like you’ve regained control of your life, and now you have a boyfriend; bonus points! The fear of leaving the hospital felt so small now, you were ready to get back to living.
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renova-writes · 3 years
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Coney Island Hotdogs
Requested by: @maximeevansblog
Summary: “The reader is the daughter of bucky barnes, and the have a daddy - daugther Day, but the reader wants to sleep but her dad has other plans , and end of the Day the asks what do you wanna eat Mac donalds and the watch a movie, but the reader falls a sleep trough the movie, and he carries her to bed, but she wakes up and her dad she go back to sleep button, i am carring you to bed, and allot of fluff and cuteness and if its ready you tag me right thanks”
Words: 2,004
Warnings: Just basically a bunch of Fluff. Some mentions of bullying and death, but very light and fun
Other Works: masterlist
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"Five more minutes," you whined. The clock on your bedstand read 5:39 am.
"Hey, button," you heard a voice whisper. The dark locks dangling over you told you that it was your father. "Get dressed. I have a surprise for you."
"It's too early."
"I know, but I'll make you a (your favorite caffeinated drink)" Your dad obviously wanted you to get up but was not going to force you. That was one of your favorite things about him. He never forced you to do anything you didn't want to.
"Really" Your sleepy eyes lit up at the mention of caffeine.
"Yes button, really. I promise. Just get yourself ready to go, and it will be waiting for you" he smiled and walked out of your room, "Also, bring a jacket. Just in case."
With that, your dad left. As you paused for a moment in your bedsheets, soaking up the last moments of fluffy warmth before you needed to get up, excitement crawled up your spine. It wasn't often that you and your dad did things, just the two of you. He was always busy with the Avengers, or you two were over with Sam and his family. When you did make time for special days, he usually asked you what you wanted to do beforehand.
His walking into your room at five in the morning, asking you to get up so that you two could have a bonding day, was unusual. He must have something special planned.
You forced yourself to get out of bed. That was going to be the hardest part. Half asleep, you dragged yourself over to the bathroom. You did your business and paused after washing your hands to brush your teeth and your hair. A smile crept across your face in the mirror as you tried to guess what you were going to do.
The zoo? The park? Maybe the museums?
You lived in the Avenger's tower in the heart of New York City, so there were many options. You gave up trying to guess and decided to go with whatever. It was going to be fun no matter what.
It was the beginning of spring, so it was warm during the day but cold in the mornings. You picked out a light floral dress, leggings, and a cardigan so that you could have layers. Some essential jewelry and your boots would also be a part of your outfit.
After putting on your clothes and some basic makeup, you made your way to the main room of your apartment. Just like he had promised, your dad had gotten your beverage from the Starbucks next to the lobby. He had probably gotten it before waking you up as it was sitting in the microwave/fridge.
"Hey button. Nice to see that you finally have awoken from your cavern of blankets," he joked, "You ready. I've got an amazing day planned out. Just the two of us."
"Yep. Where are we going."
"Button, that's a surprise!"
"Tell me!!" you giggled.
"Well, it wouldn't be a surprise if I told you," he smiled. A goofy grin was on his face, with admiration pouring out of his eyes.
"Just a hint…" you begged. "I'll probably forget by the time we get there."
"No. I want it to be a complete surprise," your dad insisted, "that's why, after you drink your drink, I want you to put on a blindfold."
Oh dear, he was very insistent about this whole surprise thing.
"But first, BREAKFAST!!!" he exclaimed as he presented you with your favorite breakfast, waffles, and strawberries. The plate seemed to sparkle with deliciousness as your stomach cried out in hunger.
"Yummy!!!"
"See, I remembered your favorite" he seemed very proud of himself. You had mentioned that you liked waffles when Wanda had made them for a birthday breakfast.
"Dig in! I put some strawberry syrup into the waffles themselves so that we would have extra strawberry flavor."
He handed you a fork and a knife, and you cut into them. The heat fell off of the bite on your forked, and you braced yourself in anticipation. Your father could cook; he and Steve used to make dinners for the team. But that was with Steve, now that he was gone, your dad rarely cooked. It had been hard for him. He was slowly getting over it; you definitely helped. Having somebody to take of, his therapist agreed, was very good for him. But his food was very hit or miss. This morning, however, the waffles were amazing.
The strawberries tasted fresh and had the perfect amount of sweetness. The waffles were eggy, precisely the way you liked them.
"Dad! These are delicious!" you exclaimed.
"I know, right, they're so good," he nodded in agreement, "but can I admit something? I stole the recipe off Auntie Wanda."
It didn't matter where he got the recipe from. They were delicious. It took the two of you a total of 10 minutes to eat the entire plateful.
He pulled a blindfold out of his pocket and put it around your eyes. You had faith that he wouldn't let you bump into anything. You weren't going to have to worry about the crowded city streets. When the strangers passing by got a glimpse of his metal arm, they always made a beeline away from him.
You knew it hurt him. You could see it in his eyes. He was your dad, after all. When you were younger, you couldn't understand why they were afraid, but now that you were older, you knew. It never, even for a second, hurt your relationship with your dad. You loved him. You knew that the real James Barnes was a cinnamon roll. This was a man who wouldn't kill spiders when he found them in the kitchen. This was a man who hung out with the Parker boy and played video games.
Even though the blindfold around your eyes took away your sight, you knew that your dad was checking to see if his gun was where he needed it. After all, he was the Winter Soldier. But that was an everyday thing. When he stopped rustling with his pockets, you felt a hand on your shoulder guiding you out of the room.
------
As soon as you heard the crowd's excitement, you knew where you were. The smell of cotton candy and hot dogs confirmed it.
Your dad had taken you to Coney Island.
You hadn't been there since you were a little kid and couldn't control your excitement. The hand that had been guiding you on your shoulder disappeared and removed the blindfold.
After taking a moment to adjust to the light, your eyes took in the flashing lights and kids running around. The roller coasters and carnival games all around you captivated your attention and caused a smile to form on your face.
"How's this for a surprise Button?"
"Dad, this is amazing! Thank you!!!"
"What ride do you want to go on first?"
The morning flew by in a blur. You and your dad had decided to go on every single ride you could. He had enjoyed the bumper cars and had won you a stuffed panda bear on one of the shooting games. You got the famous coney island hot dogs for lunch and ate on a bench on the beach. The entire morning, there was one thing that you really wanted to do… Ride the Cyclone.
"Hey, dad….."
"Yes Button"
"Can we ride the Cyclone"
"Um. of course. We have to. What's the point of coming here if we don't."
You threw away your trash and got in line. A man with purple hair and tattoos strapped the two of you in and took your picture.
"Alrighty ladies and gents," the loudspeaker in the car said. "Are you ready for the Cyclone"
Everyone on the train whooped and hollered in excitement, and the car lurched forward. Slowly you crept up the first hill and felt the adrenaline follow. At the top, you saw the people on the benches below. You couldn't help but compare them to little dolls from your height.
With that, the car reached the top of the hill and falls.
"Whoa, Button, I think I'm going to be sick," Buck said once you were off. He was looking somewhat green and queasy.
It was your turn to guide him... to a trash can. It turned out he wasn't going to throw up, which you were grateful for, but the Cyclone's toll had been taken. He rested his body on a bench and called it quits.
"What time is it," he asked. You checked your watch. It was two in the afternoon. "How about we do something a little, slower."
"Sure," you agreed. You were in Brooklyn, his home borough, and he decided to take you on a tour of where he grew up.
"And this is the alleyway where your Uncle Steve decided to get in all those fights," he said you passed by. "One time, after I saved his tiny ass, he told me that he thought he had pulled a muscle, and I was all like, 'Steve, you can't pull what you don't have."
You giggled at the thought of skinny Steve. Continuing on your tour, you saw his old apartment and walked through the one he shared with Steve. It had been turned into a museum, and you laughed together for an hour as he pointed out every single detail that had been changed.
"There was no way that we could have two beds! There was no heater, so we shared one! Why would they change that! It wasn't like we had anything going on between us!" he argued. You laughed as the tour guide still could not recognize one of the old occupants of the apartment.
Once your dad seemed satisfied with his tour, the two of you walked down to the nearest subway stop. In the underground station, you passed those golden arches.
"Dad, can we get McDonald's," you asked.
"Are you sure, Button, we can get much better food back a the tower"
"Yeah, we haven't had it in forever, and I need to feed my inner Chicken nugget," you joked.
He must have been in an excellent mood because he gave in to the lure of the golden arches. He also seemed like he really wanted a burger because he got his usual order, Two big macs, a large fry, and an M&M McFlurry. The super-soldier serum had granted him the ability and need to eat loads of food. You also figured that he wanted a break from Pepper's food because she had decided that the entire team needed to become more healthy conscience. It wasn't that anyone hated her food; it was just somewhat bland. And besides, who wants couscous when you can have Micky D's.
After Bucky had wolfed down his food, and you had savored each bite of Chicken Nugget, you got on the train back home. You could feel yourself grow tired as your body finally rested from an exciting and full day. Your head drooped down and rested on your father's shoulder.
"Hey, button, let's watch a movie in the tower."
He picked out a classic, The Wizard of Oz, and made popcorn. You barely made it to the tornado before your eyes finally gave up. You were so tired that you didn't feel your dad pick you up and start carrying you to your bed.
Your eyes fluttered open as you heard 'If only I had a heart' playing from the TV.
"Hey, Button," your dad's voice whispered, "You fell asleep. I didn't want you to wake up on the sofa, so I'm taking you to your bed."
He laid you down and pulled up the blankets. With a kiss on your forehead, turned to leave.
"Dad, I love you," you called out.
"I love you too, Button" On that note, he turned out your light and closed your door
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queerchoicesblog · 3 years
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Epilogue: Underwater (SC Titanic, Zetta x Adele Series)
As promised, here the epilogue of the Zetta x Adele Series, folks. 
This is the very end of a project that meant me quite a lot to me and got me through the last terrible year. Thanks to all those who supported it: hope you enjoyed it and will enjoy this ending.
In case you were wondering, this song inspired the whole series, particularly the last chapters:
youtube
I will skip the tag list for once since it’s pointless anyway. 
➡️ Ch. 1, Ch. 2/1, Ch. 2/2, Ch. 3, Ch. 4, Ch. 5, Ch. 6, Ch. 7, Ch. 8/1, Ch. 8/2, Ch. 9, Ch. 10/1, Ch. 10/2, Ch. 11/1, Ch. 11/2, Ch. 12, Ch. 13, Ch. 14, Ch. 15 , Ch. 16, Ch. 17
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Almost a century after the sinking of the RMS Titanic and to celebrate Canada becoming the first country outside Europe to legalise same-sex marriage, the Canadian Film Institute decided to work side by side with several LGBTQ+ organisations across the world to put together an exhibition focused on the early queer cinema and the many queer stars who were forced to hide their true selves in the Golden Age of cinematography, spanning from 1890s till the aftermath of Second World War. "A testament to the role the LGBTQ+ community played in the history of cinema and that we have always been here, even if people hardly saw us" as a journalist wrote on a queer magazine. After the recent discovery of some private documents, the curators were overjoyed to include an icon of the 1900s - 1910s cinema like Zetta Serda into the retrospective and cast a new light on her extraordinary career sadly soon forgotten after the advent of the sound era. Yet, the silent picture star was mentioned as a model and 'endless source of inspiration" by many queer movie stars like Cary Grant, Katherine Hepburn, Greta Garbo all part of the retrospective. Rumor has it that as soon as she landed in America, Marlene Dietrich demanded his agent a meeting with Mrs King.
A curator drove all the way to Montreal to meet the last known heir, a certain Mrs. Julia Nowak, who greeted him on the threshold of a cosy downtown apartment. She offered him a coffee and a slice of a Polish sweet bread: the recipe was a family heirloom, she explained, beaming. She was in her late fifties, a therapist, she said. Her hazel eyes gleamed when she added, in a pleasantly soothing voice that betrayed a hint of excitement: "I must confess I am so incredibly happy that you contacted me about the retrospective. I adore the idea and I will make sure to attend it. Also" she nodded to a wedding picture hung to the wall "did you know that my wife is in politics? She campaigned for the legalisation...yes, Madeleine Fournier: see, you know her! We got married right after the law passed. If anything, your call and project made me twice as happy". She took a pause, smiling over her coffee in remembrance. "Anyway, back to the matter of your visit...yes, as far as I know, I am Zetta's last heir. As you probably know, my family wasn't officially related to her but she stated otherwise in her will". She moved to the couch and gestured the curator to follow her as she opened up one of the boxes and chests piled into the living room and picked out an old album, the leather cover worn at the edges. Dust waltzed in the air as she opened it with caution and gentle care. She showed him a slightly discoloured black and white picture of a young couple kissing for the camera in front of a church. Another wedding picture, from a different era. "Nana Hileni and Papa Maciej's wedding picture. I still remember them even if they both died when I was barely a teen...as if one couldn't bear to live without the other. Or so I like to think. She would help me with the homework, mathematics particularly, and he baked this bread for me till he was too weak to do so. He always claimed that he won Nana's heart with his pastries but she always denied it laughing". She passed another picture of the same couple proudly standing in front of the Nowak family bakery in Hoboken. "Frankly, I believe that Papa's broad shoulders and Marlon Brando smile are more likely to blame for this coup de foudre" she laughed. "And he knew how to deal with her no-nonsense attitude and vice versa. They...balanced each other, if you wish". She picked another picture and handed it to him. A woman was looking down in tender adoration and awe to a baby nestled in her arms looking up at her, outstretching a tiny arm in an attempt to touch her face. "There! This is Dad" she pointed at the baby before turning the picture where someone wrote 'Alex meets Auntie Adele'. Turning it again, she pointed at the woman. "This is Adele Carrem. Or Auntie Adele as I've always heard calling her. Nana's sister and Zetta's publicist and companion" Putting it back into the album, she carefully picked a bunch of other old pictures. "You surely know who this one is" she smiled, handing out the one on top. The photo was rather grainy but you could still recognise the same kid, slightly older, around two, sucking his thumb, cuddled up in Zetta's lap. The actress had aged a little but her features were unmistakable and it was endearing to see her sitting by the fireplace to read that kid with the sleepy face a bedtime story. "Sadly, I have never met them. I wish I did, oh you have no idea...but stories of them lived through in our family" Julia continued. "My Dad loved his Aunties - as he called them - dearly and by what I've heard and read, they loved him in manner as if he was their own. He knew little of them or Zetta's career back then...to him they were just the sweet ladies who would buy him ice-cream in Central Park or take him to see his favourite pictures over and over again at the movie theater. He said he will never forget the afternoons he used to spend with them in a Manhattan cafe that no longer exists around Christmas: Nana and Papa worked like crazy as the festive season approached and the glorious cup of hot chocolate with an elegant puff of cream on top with the Aunties became a tradition to him. He kept it alive somehow as he did the same with me". She handed the curator a bunch of other pictures: Zetta cleaning up Alex's face smeared with jam, the both of them laughing; Zetta posing with Maciej and her Dad at a table in the Hoboken bakery. He eventually mirrored her smile seeing a five years old Alex at the beach all engrossed in building a sandcastle with Hileni and Adele, and he standing at the water edge hand in hand with Miss Carrem, looking out into the distance. "These are family pictures. I'll show you the Zetta's private memorabilia we cherished". Julia searched a little, opening an old chest and handling every item inside with tender care. When she found what she was looking for, she showed the curator an elegant set of smaller boxes containing letters, dried flowers and photos. "I have already received an offer to get these published. I'm still pondering it. Before agreeing, I want to consider throughly if this is a thing they would have wanted, even if they're no longer here" The curator nodded as she kept searching. He skimmed a few letters and smiled as his eyes fall on the photos hidden away in those boxes: the two women sitting together and chatting at Hileni's wedding, Zetta's reading a script, lazily sprawled on a chaise long in her apartment. Some had short lines handwritten on the back, like a promotional picture with "Missing you" written by Zetta herself. The curator showed another to Mrs Nowak: a visibly excited Miss Carrem proudly showing to the camera a document announcing her voter registration. On the back, in Zetta's penmanship: "On the way to vote...my sweet Adele won!". "Oh you didn't know? Auntie Adele was a suffragette! I couldn't believe it when I first heard it! Nana told me that she was in and out jail when they lived in London because of protests. You know, like those suffragettes you read about in history books but less famous. Yet she fought for women's rights and kept fighting for them even in America. She was quite disappointed though by some major decisions of some feminist movements and eventually joined a socialist Union 'more rightfully welcoming working class individuals, immigrants and black brothers and sisters'. It's all in those letters but yeah, you couldn't possibly know. So little is known about her outside family". A little smile drew on her face as she put back the photo. "That photo was taken the day of the first election open to women. I checked the date. I suppose Zetta wanted to immortalise the moment...it was sweet of her, huh? Auntie Adele must have been so proud and overjoyed that day! You know, my Dad was born in 1920 when women's right to vote was legalised nationally and Nana once told me that Auntie commented the lucky coincidence saying she was incredibly happy her nephew would get to live in a fairer world. She was a true force of nature...she never talked much of the sinking of the Titanic just like Zetta and Nana actually but when one day Dad asked...he was barely a child and probably found an old article about the tragedy...Auntie Adele minimised but Nana assured him that her sister saved her life that night, risking her own to go down to the belly of the sinking ship to bring her to safety. Auntie simply shrugged, saying that it was what sisters do and that they made it to the lifeboats only thanks to Zetta, who shouted protests to stubborn officers and eventually found them a spot on a boat. I cannot even bring myself to imagine how scary that must have been: I cried so much when Madeleine took me to see Leo and Kate...to think they were there and it was all real!" She picked a few other objects out the box: a Shakespeare Sonnets book in a leather cover with golden engravings, with a little handwritten dedication 'To Adele, my sonnet 116. Happy birthday! With all my love, Zetta'; old scripts with annotations, a framed photograph of Adele and Zetta slow dancing barefoot in the living room of a gorgeous Long Island mansion. "These have a sentimental value" Mrs Nowak noted, her voice betraying the flicker of emotions as she picked it up. She took a deep sigh and continued. "I remember the day I told Dad I was gay as it was yesterday. We had always been quite close so it came natural to tell him first. We were in his car, he had come straight from college to pick me up at ice-skating practice. I..I dropped it in the middle of a conversation, bracing myself for the worst. I heard so many bad stories about coming out to your parents I was terrified of the consequences but I couldn't hide it anymore. I mean, yes, in public: bullies get even nastier if they know and I didn't want people shouting me "dyke" at school. But I needed to get it out of my chest...with someone at least. He kept quiet for a moment and I felt like drowning in shame. But then he spoke". A nostalgic tender smile formed Julia's lips. "He said he had two amazing Aunties that contributed to make his life a wondrous adventure. It was thanks to them that he, the son of a baker, could attend a prestigious college, for instance: they offered to pay for it without asking a penny back. They also helped him write his first romantic letter to his childhood sweetheart and consoled him when the little girl turned him down. But his Aunties had a secret, he added. He said: to my kid eyes they were no less a couple than Mom and Dad and at home we all treated them in manner but one day Mom made me promise to behave differently when we were in public. In public I would refer to her sister as 'Auntie Adele' but call Zetta by her name. He didn't get it and it took some getting used to. He soon noticed that even the Aunties behaved a bit differently out in the sun: they wouldn't hold hands or use endearing words in the street or when other people were around. They simply behaved like good friends did. He understood it later when he, as stubborn as a mule, asked them directly". Julia gently grazed her fingers on the glass of the framed photograph, caressing it. "And they told me everything, he said. That they were in love, just like mom and dad were, but people out there could be uncomfortable and extremely rude to women loving other women and men loving other men. That they kept their companionship a secret in public because those people had no problems with women being friends and they didn't want to have bad words or worse happening to them. I remember asking him what he thought about it. He smiled. 'I cried. Since Auntie Zetta mentioned people claiming that women like them were sick and would burn in hell, I actually started crying. I sobbed desperately in her arms, crying that I didn't want them to burn in hell, I loved my Aunties and I was happy they loved each other. Eventually they explained me it was just a vile lie spread my malignant people. But I got quite a scare and kept staring at them with puffy red eyes and my face wet with tears for a while. It required lots of cuddling to bring a smile back on my face'. He shook his head, laughing of his endearing naivety. Then he pulled over and looked at me. He continued: 'I still don't get why people keep spreading those mean lies but I know for sure that my Aunties weren't sick and didn't end up in hell and so won't you. Don't believe bullshits like that for a split second, okay? And I also want you to remember that it doesn't change a thing for me and mom too. You will always be my little girl, our little girl and we love you'. We shared a long hug before driving back home. On the way back he insisted to buy my favourite chicken and waffles for dinner, saying mom's veggie soup could wait. For my birthday, a month later or so, he asked me to follow him to the attic and showed me this chest. To meet the Aunties that 'would have surely been there for me'". She tipped away a tear. "I told you I married Madeleine right after the legalisation of same-sex marriages. My wedding was also the last public event Mom and Dad attended together before his health worsened irremediably. He passed away last year". For a moment she looked on the verge of tears but she recovered quickly. "Sorry...anyway, that day Dad insisted on walking me down the aisle even if he was getting weak. He beamed with pride when a friend fixed a rainbow ribbon to his jacket. Later at the lunch he read a speech he had written for the day, his hand shaking. He shared the story of his Aunties. He said that despite the hardships their situation forced upon them, they had quite a happy life together, a happiness carefully hidden from the world. He wished us to find something similar to what they shared without needing to hide anymore. He said Adele and Zetta would have been so happy and proud to celebrate with all of us that day" Mrs. Nowak picked the Shakespeare Sonnet book and gave him a fond look. "He brought this to the wedding. And he read for us the sonnet 116, the one Zetta mentioned in her dedication. You know, the one that starts with 'Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments..." ----------------------- A few months later the exhibition on old Hollywood queer cinema and artists opened. Each artist had a room that soon filled with a crowd of enthusiastic visitors. In the first half, in a room arranged as a turn of the century nickelodeon with velvet chairs, all the memorabilia of Zetta Serda's public life: panels explaining the various stages of her career and the birth of her myth, promotional pictures of her performances, articles about her and a copy of a gazette announcing her wedding with the director Richard King. On the wall, on a screen her entire filmography rolled up in loop, bewitching spectators after a century. In display cases: the gorgeous sapphire necklace she wore on her last night on the Ship of Dreams and at the movie party of Surviving the Titanic, and a replica of her Cleopatra costume. The aging Queen of Egypt with a tragic love and destiny immortalised by Shakespeare was her last role back on the theater stage before retiring from the scenes. Old scripts with her personal annotation were displayed with photographs taken on sets and mundane events. The wall hosting the motion-picture screen cut the room in half. On the other side, the hidden half of her life. Her life with Adele no one suspected back then. A life kept secret that now unveiled in front of the eyes of the visitors. The curators discovered that finding public pictures of Miss Carrem was nearly impossible, true to the nickname she acquired as time went by: The Shadow. She stayed at Zetta's side until and even after she stopped acting, showing rare loyalty and devotion, but ever surrounded by this mystery allure. No one, even the most stubborn reporters managed to know anything about her and she was soon dismissed as a Titanic survivor, possibly a fan, who worked as Zetta's secretary and somehow gained her respect. Little they knew about the depth of their relationship and what stacks of secret letters and family memories revealed of the life of Miss Carrem. A panel finally told her story and her secret achievements: Adele, or better Adal, kept fighting for a fairer world and society her whole life and marched for women's right to vote on the famous parade in 1915. She also passed the teaching of Edith Garrud to her American sisters. The only pictures of her came from the Nowak family, except for one. The only photograph of a public appearance of Miss Carrem as well as the only known public appearance of Zetta and Adele. An old grainy photo accurately framed showed Adele shaking hands with The Unsinkable Molly Brown on a podium. In her free hand a shiny medal and a few steps behind the mayor of New York. According to the panel, the survivors' committee founded by Mrs. Brown decided to award Miss Carrem a medal for bravery and a generous check "to help her and her sister starting a new life in America". With great surprise, Miss Carrem received the medal and the check, thanked the board but refused the honors. Instead, she asked to deliver them both to the family of a certain Charlie Stoke, a stewart that lost his life in the sinking to save her life and those of many passengers. She added that her friend expressed the desire to study naval engineering one day and she wished that the money kindly offered to her would be enough to establish a scholarship for boys like him across the ocean. In another picture, Miss Carrem and her sister chatted with Moll Brown in company of Zetta. Eventually, other philanthropists and wealthy socialites signed checks for her cause so that the Stoke family received a generous contribution too. And today, as another picture confirmed, the faculty of naval engineering of the University of Newcastle hosts a marble engraving of Charlie Stoke: to his memory a scholarship had been instituted one year after on the anniversary of the sinking. Since 1913 it has been helping students of poor background to get an education and improve their life. Zetta herself became a philanthropist during her Renaissance and ever since. The first act of her new phase of her life was joining the Moll Brown survivors committee to provide help to the second and third class passengers families and survivors. Some said that the tragedy she witnessed touched her heart, other claimed that it was to be attributed to the influence of her publicist. Jokingly, she used to say that after all, she had too much money yet all she could have wished for in her life, so why not doing some good with it? A considerable donation under her and Mr King was received by the main hospital during the Spanish flu pandemic; she was particularly active in providing financial help to struggling neighbourhoods and female education institutions. In the middle of the room, a long glass display hosted the Shakespeare Sonnets opened at sonnet 116 and a selection of the private correspondence between Zetta and Adele. My darling, You will receive this letter tomorrow morning when I'll be already off to Chicago. The suitcases are ready and packed, this is a goodnight note scribbled the night before leaving you to remind you how much I love you and care about you. How much I'm going to miss you even if - thank God! - we won't be parted for long... Do not forget you promised me to write every day! Write to me, Adele, write to me whatever thought crosses that gorgeous mind of you: you know I could you rambling for hours without getting tired of the sound of your voice, of your sparkling wisdom. I wanna know everything. So don't be shy: I'll be waiting your letters with tender impatience. Can't wait to be in your arms once more. Adoringly yours, Zetta - Dear, dearest Zetta, I went to Central Park today with Hileni. It was a gorgeous spring day, sunny, a gentle breeze blowing: 'simply too beautiful to be wasted inside' as my sister put it. Did I tell you that she's still exchanging letters with the delivery boy from the hat shop? I thought they were over but apparently he invited her to the nickelodeon next week. Anyway, walking in the park with her I suddenly realised how I wanted to share that spring wonder with you. When are you coming back to New York? Tell me soon, please. And even 'soon' won't be soon enough: you're always on my mind since you left. But yes, tell me soon so I can make you promise we will go for a walk before the weather becomes too hot. Do you think I can wrap my arm with yours? Is it professional enough for a publicist? Even just for a few steps: oh you have no idea how I would love that! Or maybe you have? I hope so: it'd mean you miss me as much as I miss you when we are apart. Oh, I almost forgot: all settled with that magazine you mentioned before your departure! I negotiated a two pages long interview, plus pictures. And a cover mention. Hope I did well: you have already fired me as your secretary, I must prove you I am just what you're looking for in a publicist... Can't wait to see you again! Loving you always, Adele Only one letter was copied on a panel of its own on the main wall side by side with a blow-up of the picture of Adele and Zetta slow-dancing barefoot and free, for a blessed moment immortalised in a discreet shot. Adele pressing a tender kiss on Zetta's forehead, drawing a soft smile on the acrtress' lips. Many visitors commented it was heartwarming to see such a photograph that conveyed the intimacy and the warmth of affection radiating from the dancing couple. Some said that Zetta was even more beautiful like that: free, hair slightly askew and genuinely happy, loved. What stole their hearts away though was the letter attached to it. It was no surprise that the curators decided to name the retrospective Underwater. Dearest Adele, Forgive me for the tone of this letter. I am writing it down in bed while I cannot sleep and my mind runs back to you as if we could meet halfway between the miles separating us, in a world of fantasy of our own. It's ridiculous how much I miss you! I want you near, I need you near all the time. Take tonight: if you were here with me, I would be heavenly sleeping in your loving embrace. Most unfortunately, you are not and I'm lying here, insomniac, thinking of you. And about my life. No, don't frown. I am not getting all sad again. It's...bittersweet. And - I'll spoil you the ending so you will stop worrying, hopefully - it gets better the more you proceed. Have you ever felt trapped underwater? I did, my whole life. Always hiding, always measuring words, gestures, gazes not to let them see, not to let them know...so little time to go up and break the surface. Drop the mask and breathe. In, out. Once, twice. In my lowest moments I repeated to my myself: how are you gonna survive? One day an acquaintance with a remarkable passion for the sea explained me and the other bored commensals that you can keep someone alive by breathing oxygen into their mouth underwater. Pretty much like mouth-to-mouth resuscitation helps an unconscious person to regain consciousness. I found it interesting but doubted his words. Then I met you, Adele. My dearest, wondrous Adele. And I learnt that yes, you can't breathe if you're constantly underwater...but you won't drown if you have the right person swimming by your side in those deep waters. Put your lips on me, Adele. Touch me, hold me in your arms. And I can live underwater. With your love, I can live underwater. We can live underwater. I love you. I want to cover a full page of these three simple words: I love you. I want to cry them out and entrust them to the winds, to the night. But what for? Who cares if the world knows or not? I'll whisper them over your lips when we will be reunited. So you can breathe underwater. Counting down the hours separating us, my love. Eternally yours, Zetta
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cartoonfangirl1218 · 3 years
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Winner’s Curse: Epilogue
Note: Wooo boy, it’s over. Now I know not many people may have read this, it may not have the best editing and some parts are a bit vague and not the best. In fact I’ll probably revise some parts at a later date or if I ever decide to post on A03, but I am still super proud of it. I think I did some great character parts and there are some sections that I’m just super proud of. I’m also happy that I actually finished it. It’s my longest fic to date and I actually completed it! 30 chapters. Well 32 if you include the prologue and epilogue. So cool! Plus I wrote what I really wanted, which I’ll admit was not the plot. The plot was a bit wonky and maybe I had too many characters that I didn’t juggle well and didn’t give them all equal exploration. Also action scenes were hard for me to write so those were not the best. But still- getting to explore these characters and their relationships and include several of my favorite Disney characters. Very fun. Also thanks to @edream93 for encouraging me when this was just a little idea, looking over some sections and offering advice and for overall being an amazing person. Check out her WLTF and other descendants fics like London Fog Nightcaps. And for the final time, hope y’all enjoy reading.
Flash forward to summer break in Agrabah
Jordan stretched, cracking her back after sitting hunched at her desk for the past hour editing her latest video How to Date a Djinn Episode 3. She had finally convinced the tech-averse Calix to join her in making satire videos of all the most terrible dates she had been on. Initially, she had planned for it to be a serious thing where she reminded her viewers of genie autonomy and the idea they had feelings behind their wishing powers, but Calix was never good at playing emotional PSAs.
Besides it was more fun that way to spoof how terrible, and sometimes ridiculous her romantic suitors were. Plus the hilarity kept her from thinking too much about the bitterness of the memories.
She cracked her neck and poofed outside to Aziz’s room where her lamp laid on its usual perch. Outside she could hear the thump of running feet and the screech of confused peacocks.
“Malik! No riding the peacocks!” A servant shouted
“Yes, riding peacocks!”
“No, Noor, Fahran, that’s not allowed. Get off of them!”
Jordan shook her head in amusement at the kids' antics.
Noor and Fahran were having a blast hanging out with their new “little” brother as they called the 5 year old. Though they were family in a way. Jade was the half sister to Aladdin’s half brother, Mozonroth. And Malik was their nephew. Even though the family tree was a bit tangled and confusing to visualize in your head.
And where Jade and Malik were concerned, Jay was also included as Aladdin had originally planned in inviting the former thief to Agrabah so they could get to know each other, and Jay, to get in touch with the more savory side of his heritage. Jay and Aladdin had especially hit off as they compared lives on the streets and bragged about some of their more daring heists so any concern of whether the Jafar connection would sour things was gone. All together, Jay, Jade and Malik were new, though unofficial members of the family. Aladdin, and Jasmine decided to hold off any official adoption in respect to Jay and Jade’s feelings.
Though, having three new members meant triple the chaos, the running in the halls and inevitable breaking of antique objects. It was still triple the fun.
Razoul, predictably, despised the decision. But hey, he wasn’t the sultan.
Jordan peeked out to the hall, no sign of peacock racing or frazzled servants anywhere. Since she’d been inside so long she decided to go outside to the backyard.
Passing the living room, she saw Jay playing some sort of Wii-fit game against Carlos, Lonnie and Gil whose scores were also reflected on the screen even as they played millions of miles away in their own living rooms. Jordan checked the time, ah it was 2’o clock on the doubt. Jay always called his friends at this time since it was when the time zones converged suitably for all of them to chat.
Jade was lounging on the couch, facetiming her girlfriend, Yzla. Jordan waved, and Jade waved in return, focusing mainly on their conversation which involved some llama prank with Empress Malina. Yzla was staying with Emperor Kuzco and his family. A arrangement Kuzco had initially been against but his wife and son overruled him. Which was for the best because apparently Yzla and him were hitting it off like two peas in a pod, scaring Malina, by tricking her into thinking Kuzco had changed into a llama again.
Huh, that reminded her, she hadn’t checked social media in a few hours. So she scrolled through, looking at Ben’s new post that there was to be a new class in the fall. Magic 101 with Flora, Fauna and Merrywhether and many surprise guest lecturers.
The Magic 101 class had been one of Uma’s many ideas for the new and improved Auradon. She told Ben of Alexandria’s reasoning for the revolt, explaining that the pressure for magic creatures to deny their magic was a strong reason for resentment, and most importantly, unfair. And Ben, who had been present at several meetings where mermaids, fairies and others stated their petitions of complaints, agreed. King Ben had removed the magic ban and decided to institute the Magic 101 class. Contrary to the name, the class wasn’t for magical beings, they already knew how to deal with their powers and not use them to affect others or supposedly cheat at life. The class was a requirement for Auradonians to learn about their fellow beings, how it was a vital part of them and the greater natural world.
Ben had actually suggested that she’d be the magical liaison and teacher assistant for the new Magic 101 classes but she had politely declined. She did accept going as a demonstrator whenever it was time for her Dad’s guest lecture.
But a fulltime TA? It sounded like too much work, her powers were not applicable to the greater magical population, and most importantly, she really wanted to get back to doing her auratube show. Especially now that she was bound to have so many new subscribers thanks to her newfound fame for helping to defeat the Coven.
Jordan had considered doing a series about the Isle mission against the Coven in order to get the story straight and not create too wild legends regarding their month and a half there. And okay, there was also the fact that she wanted to renew her hits after losing subscribers after not posting for a month.
But she ultimately decided not to. It was their mission, only they’d get what happened in that wild untamed place of evil and poverty. Besides, it was very personal and she didn’t want to have to go into her fights with Aziz and Jay on Auratube. Or her encounter with Antiquam.
No she’d rather not think about the latter for a very long time.
Dismissing those thoughts she scrolled through several more posted announcements like the newly formed Minority Kingdom Council made up of representatives from Atlantis, Atlantica, Arrendelle, Kuzcoropia, and Pydrian, who were overrun by environmental and tourism concerns as Alexandria brought up. There was also a new class of Vks that were coming in. Basically the teen population of the Isle.
The orphans and kids from the Isle were sent to boarding elementary schools around Auradon as well as foster care with professional trained therapists for the abused youngsters.
Ben’s decision to bring the whole teen population in had been a controversial one. But he had stood by it, stating that he was taking the advice of his people, the ones from his generation who were to make up the future generation and a schoolwide vote had agreed that the Vks should be let in.
Granted it had taken a two month lobbying campaign led by Mal and Evie with Lonnie, Carlos, Jane and Jay’s help. But they did, they persuaded lots of royal kids that it was better to bring Vks over. It also helped that Mal, Jay, Evie, Carlos and Uma had been pronounced Auradon’s saviors thrice in a row so…
Though it wouldn’t be until August that all the Vks, with a few exceptions like the resolutely bad CJ Hook and Prince Lars, and Antiquam, would be able to get to Auradon. But they would, Uma was making sure of it. Even Zevon and Ginny were coming despite their actions in proudly helping the Coven, Ben believed they just needed to be removed from the negative influences of their mothers.
Some Vks had already come over like Carlos’ cousin. Diego had refused to enter the VK program through school, but through the work progrm. Now he and his band, Rotten Apples, could introduce Isle grunge rock to Auradon’s farmer populations and inspire them to use music to express themselves. Carlos informed them that Diego wasn’t too into that inspiration and empowerment stuff, but he was loving the popularity. And he often crashed to the Radcliff house to catch up with Carlos and get a break from his adoring fans.
Harriet Hook, also in the work program, was working in Neverland, serving as guard for docks and a pretty mean one too, Jordan heard. Any tourist that tried to sneak
Not that everyone was residing in the homes of their parents’ enemies. Celia Facilier was living with her sister Freddie, and Freddie’s girlfriend, Ally at the Mad for Tea Shop. Also as a student by day and helping her sister as the evening entertainment at night. Singing only. FG was still wary of introducing such sketchy magic as card readings. Celia did choose to be a TA to her sister’s class, Goodness 101. Freddie was taking over for FG to make it a revamped, less patronizing seminar of how to act in Auradon with Ally popping in for politeness lessons and Carlos with therapy dogs. Though FG still stayed in the room to supervise and make sure the class stayed on track and not turn into “Everything that’s wrong about sappy sweet Auradon.”
Dizzy was reunited with her mother, her aunt Anastasia, her uncle, the Baker and Anthony Tremine and they lived in the faculty building of Auradon Prep. Easy for Anthony and Dizzy to get to school and for the Baker to go to his new job as school cook.
His baguettes were to die for, so flaky and crispy. Even Chad reluctantly agreed to their goodness when she interviewed him for student reactions to the new cook. Anastasia and Drizella were the new cosmeticians in training at the school’s day spa even though the two still argued over what was a better color and such.
Also working in Auradon’s kitchen were Gil, and Cosette’s mothers who had taken in their other’s sister’s sons, Gaston Jr, Gaston the Third and Gaston (IV) the Great. Their mother had been deemed just as abusive as Gaston and was to stay on the Isle with him. Gil had been nervous about living with his brothers again but he had Cosette by his side and Harry and Uma just a street away. Harry was just as fiercely loyal as ever to his crew and to Uma, who he’d wait for outside of Ben’s office, waiting for their meetings to end.
Gil also had Jay on his side. And though Jordan had absolutely no proof, she just felt something between them, and she was planning to use this summer to sniff out just what it was.
It had been more controversial to bring back some adult villains like Anastasia and Circe, but Ben had explained that he was not in the business of tearing families apart and adults were able to change too. Smee, for instance, wanted to retire from swabbing desks and wanted his second act in life to follow his lifelong dream. Be a clockmaker, ironically enough considering his boss’ fear of the ticking. Same with other low level henchmen like Jace and Harry, and Hun soldiers that had been following the battle orders and propaganda Shan Yu had fed them.
Ben had promised not all adults would come over, especially not ones that had abused their children, and that he, Mal and Uma were designing a careful vetting process for this program.
As for the Auradonian bred villains. Morgana and Morgaine hadn’t stayed in the dungeon for long. One day the guards had come down to give their food and they were just gone. No one knew where they went and no magic had been able to locate them. Merlin said it was no use trying. The Le Feys were tricky and wouldn’t reappear again unless they wanted to.
Kyro, Victoria and Alexandria were in therapy now in a new building away from the dorms and those who would shun them for their actions like the media that had reviled them when the news leaked out. It was a bit of a depressing building Jordan thought since one could see it if they leaned far out their windows. The outside of it looked like an insane asylum but Evie enthused about how open- aired and peaceful it was inside. The point of it was to clear the outside world, and focus on healing. What’s more, since Uma learned of FG’s somewhat oblivious and condescending advice from Alexandria, they hired a new counselor. A Dr. Mickey Mouse.
So yeah, things seemed to wrapping out into a happily ever after for all.
Jordan walked into a door, rubbing her head of the bruise and cursing herself for not looking up. Tucking the phone in her pocket, she was about to open the door when Aziz opened it for her, heading inside from hanging out on the hammock.
He didn’t even look at her as he entered, he was busy chatting on the phone with who else, his new girlfriend.
Aziz had stayed true to his word that he and Lala were just friends, and remained just friends for three months. It had irritated Jordan to no end to watch them sneak discreet looks, study together since Lala only knew the Atlantean alphabet and not the English, and dance around their feelings as if the obvious wasn’t there. And it took all her self control to honor her vow to not meddle and send a flying carpet in to speed things up.
At least Aziz did not shut her out completely and still went to her advice for what to do when he asked her to be his girlfriend.
“What if she says no? Or doesn’t know what that is. Jay did say it was only gang activity. Or maybe she’ll just say no because she thinks she’ll go crazy like her mom. But I really want her to say yes. Oh Allah, what if I mess it up instead by acting like an idiot. Or she already thinks that. I walked into a wall yesterday.”
“Aziz, she likes you,” Jordan reassured him, “I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Like a leopard with dinner, she totally wants to eat you. In a sexy, hungry with desire way. Not cannibal way. And really, walking into a wall? That’s not a dealbreaker or even embarrassing. If you want to talk about embarrassing, nothing can top the time you popped in front of that yoga instructor you were trying to impress.” “I had food poisoning from the oysters!” Aziz yelled indiginantly.
“Doesn’t change the fact that you shitted during downward dog,” Jordan smirked at Aziz’s flustered angry face, “Nor was it like that time when you tried to impress Anxlin with a butterfly knife and ended up-”
“Will you stop bringing up the past?” Jordan decided to change tactics and be the serious, comforting big sister that he wanted, “Just speak from the heart. You’re on the same page with so many things, and you talk so much. Sooo much, it’s kinda annoying. Especially when you’re yapping in my room when I’m trying to watch a movie. But anyway, I think when the time comes your heart will guide you to say the right thing. And if not… your lips can speak for you.”
So with that fabulous advice if Jordan said so herself, on the last day of school, before they went their separate ways for vacation. Aziz went to her room and asked her.
And while she said she wouldn’t meddle, Jordan totally turned into a bee to go through the keyhole and eavesdrop on their conversation. For moral support. Just Aziz didn’t know about it.
It was endearingly awkward as Aziz stammered through some rambling monologue of how he liked her a lot, and only if she was okay with it, but he really thought they had something so woud she maybe consider being his girlfriend.
Aziz should probably have gotten some lessons from Jay on the art of smooth, but Lala seemed to get it. “So if we’re in a relationship we do what we do now… but with kissing?” she clarified.
“Yes!” Aziz agreed eagerly, then tried to dial down his excitement, “I mean sure, if you want.”
“I would really like that,” Lala bit her lip nervously but her expression was hopefully as Aziz leaned in.
Their kiss was short, two seconds at the most. Jordan would have given it a three out of five. It was unsure and the two seemed to be surprised they even did it. But it was clear from the look in their eyes, that they only saw each other and the rest of the world was already fading away for them, that that small kiss was perfect to them.
So they kissed again. Much more purposefully this time. Oh Allah, Jordan was so proud when Aziz added some passion and slipped tongue first. He was really growing up.
And they kissed again, and again and soon they were making out on Lala’s bed, which was starting to get kinda gross and Jordan was feeling weird about watching them. So she took that as her cue to leave.
But now she had plenty of new things to annoy Aziz about so she took it as a plus.
Grabbing him by the arm to stop, Jordan grabbed his camera.
“Hi, Lala, how are you?” Jordan waved, mugging for the camera as Aziz grabbed it back, and tried to push her out of the frame. The white-haired girl was dressed up in Evie’s new line of summer clothes with her hair up in a bun, and most startingly, her brown eyes were human.
It was silly that Jordan was surprised by Lala’s human eyes, she had been the one to change them when in a burst of good will offered all their allies on the adventure a wish. Lala hadn’t used the offered three wishes, just one, which was to remove the leopard spell Queen La had put on her. She lost her cat eyes and the habit of walking on all fours, but she still had her cat-like grace which Jordan chalked up to natural ability. It had been three months since that wish, but she had been so used to Lala’s cat-like slits with the dilated pupils. It had been a unique marker like the scar that everyone could see on Lala’s leg when she wore shorts.
“I’m well. Aziz sent me your new vlog about Odiferous, it was very interesting.” Lala nodded curtly. Jordan knew Lala was usually guarded against everyone so the coldness didn’t bother her as much as it used to. Thanks to hanging out with Aziz and Jade, she was starting to slowly warm up to people she wasn’t close to even though her tone didn’t reflect it.
“How are the Porters?” Jordan asked, cutting off whatever Aziz was about to say next. He glared at her, but she ignored. Hey, she said she’d stop mothering him. So now it was back to  annoying big sister privileges.
“They’re well. Kerchak and I are going tree surfing tomorrow.” Lala answered. When Ben put up the invitation of Vks in need of foster homes or adoptive families, the Porters offered to take in Clay Clayton, and Lala. Clay refused and went with his Aunt, Lady Waltham who was thrilled to meet her surly nephew for the first time. Lala joined the Porters where she was helping their gorilla reserve, connecting with animals instead of hunting them for food and survival.
It was bound to be awkward considering their daughter’s actions, but Auradon seemed to consider it part of their penance even though they hadn’t known what Victoria had planned to wrought. But according to Lala, they did their best to skirt around that sensitive issue and treat her like a guest, and she was starting to befriend Kerchak. He even gave her a leopard of her own which she named Euware II though the pet made Tarzan a bit wary. Still, Lala had to stay in her room on weekends when Victoria visited from therapy.
“That’s great. When are you coming to visit? I know Jade is just dying for you to visit. It’d be fun. We can go sand surfing, oh and explore some of the caves under the citadel. Oh, oh and I just know Aziz wants to show you some of the secret alcoves in the palace. They’re great for making out and-” “Go away!” Aziz waved her off
“You want me to leave? But who will chaperon you two? Who will tell Lala all the embarrassing stories from your childhood? I’ve been holding onto blackmail for a reason, Aziz. I must tell her,” Jordan turned to the screen, “But seriously, come visit. I’ll leave you to it.”
“Thank you!” Aziz sighed in exasperation, “Give me 5 minutes, I’ll join you to go to the bazaar later, Jord.”
“See ya!” Jordan called over the shoulder as she headed to the palace kitchen, still hearing some snippets of Aziz’s conversation about his summer psychology classes. His new passion since Jordan had suggested that since he liked overanalyzing and counselling other people's problems, he could research into being a psychologist.
Upon reaching the outside, Jordan took a big breath of the sweet summer air with a hint of jasmine and the coconut and sighed.
Life was good.
Of course, life was always good when it was summer vacation but it was more than that. She had really committed to what she had learned on the Isle. She lived in the present now, and tried not to wallow in the anger and resentment that extended to almost every human she met.
Did that kind of positive mindset always work? Hell no, sometimes, someone would grab her arm, requesting for a wish, rubbing her jacket as if that was the lamp and not her. Yeah, that stupid event would irritate her all morning but she didn’t go into her spiral of how all humans were greedy monsters, her life sucked that she had to walk among them and so on and so forth. She learned to vent to Aziz and let it go.
She would always meet bad people in her life, when that happened, if the situation was appropriate, she would blow a mini sandstorm in their face and move on.
She’d also gotten more sensitive about complaining about humanity in front of Aziz. She tried to complain of an individual person and not make broad generalizations about the mortal race, and repeat that Aziz and his family were the exception.
Well Aladdin’s family, and Uma, and Jay, and Lonnie, and Calix and Ben, and she was starting to realize her circle of those she trusted was expanding.
It felt good to have that knowledge.
Even if Aziz might not always be there, though she’d kill him if he wasn’t, she still had others who cared about her.
Then again, she, Calix, Aziz, Jay and Uma had been through a harrowing adventure that nearly destroyed the world they knew, and had to face their greatest fears and insecurities to do so. If that didn’t make you trust a person, what would?
There were also her parents. Her parents always had her back.
That was another thing she’d been committed to doing since she got back from the Isle and saved Auradon.
Her parents had been the first ones to get there, magical teleportation after all and were laying out the blue carpet and making plans for the greatest party in all of Agrabah for their daughter, the hero. Instead of getting annoyed by their zany antics as usual, and annoyed at how they ignored the fact she faced possibly life-ending danger against their enemies, she just hugged them.
The act had clearly surprised them because both of their jaws broke off and fell to the floor before snapping back up like a ball. But they loved the change in her nonetheless.
Ever since then, she’d been going out with them every other weekend, be it ice skating on Saturn’s rings or clubbing or going out to drink in celebration of the banning of the Magic Ban.
She had thought for so long that if she let herself act even a little bit like them, she’d be signing herself to a fate of servitude, never being taken seriously, and becoming a negligent oblivious person who only wanted to focus on fun.
She had worried that if these things didn’t come naturally to her, she’d have to fake it in order to fit in and be palatable to her own parents. So they wouldn’t become bored with her. She hadn’t liked thinking about it, but she always felt that was the underlying reason they left her.
But she lived in the present now and shoved all those thoughts away. She did what she wanted without thinking of the implications. And she found that actively listening to what they were saying, how they constantly suggested ideas for their next adventure, how it was too bad she had school and couldn’t come with them to their trip. They didn’t think she was a damper on their party style, they wanted her to be with them. And she usually said to each invitation.
YOLO, right. Well more like YOLFSMAWEI.
(You Only Live Forever So Might As Well Enjoy It. Not as catchy but infinitely more accurate)
Family time was a lot more enjoyable that way instead of brooding that once it was over, they were going to forget about her and go about their lives as if they didn’t have a daughter.
Although, Jordan still did crave for a meaningful talk where she got to tell them about some of her issues with their lack of parenting oversight, and maybe delve into how abandoned she felt when they wouldn’t discuss such issues like her rape, they still weren’t ready for that.
Though Aladdin was talking to her dad on her behalf, and it seemed he was starting to soften to it.
Until then, she had two sets of parents. Aladdin and Jasmine, probably the first humans who she trusted, and respected. The first ones who saw her as a child and not a being for wishes. They gave her the love and attention she had craved when she needed it. They stood by treating her like everyone else, as she wished, even when it meant disregarding her excuses that her genie-ness exempted her from getting in trouble. They were always present her lives and were the ones that reminded her that her supposed fate was not a fate, that no one could shackle her, not unless they went through them. They encouraged that there other sides to her besides being a genie. That she should work hard, be kind, be honest and be independent.
Her mom and dad, who loved her with all their hearts and thought of her as their best friend. It wasn’t the most parental relationship but she had started to accept that it would never be. They were genie parents, not human ones, and it was finally sinking in that the rules would always be different from them. No matter that Jordan looked human and was raised by them. But that’s what made them special. No one else in the world would get her quite like her mom and dad.
Aziz opened the door, knocking her in the back and she moved over so he could wait beside her.
She checked her phone. Her parents were supposed to come here five minutes ago so they culd go to the bazaar together.
They probably weren’t going to come for another twenty minutes.
Ah genies, Jordan sighed, they were never going to be punctual. She wondered how many years it would be before she started viewing time as an unimportant mortal construct.
She was about to pose that question to Aziz, whether it would occur in his lifetime or in her 5,000s when a green and blue poof popped up in front of them.
“We’re here!” The two blew the smoke away to reveal the pair in matching red and white striped tuxedos with a blinking “Genie and Eden” sign hanging behind them.
“It’s Genie and Eden!” Eden announced
“Eden and Genie!” Genie intoned.
Then with a snap of a finger, the props and costumes disappeared, and Genie sat thoughtfully in the air, “We can’t quite choose which sounds better.”
Eden went back to a form-fitting black leotard with a black bowler hat, smoking a cigar in her best Liza Minelli voice, “Whaddya think, daughter dear, whaddya think?”
“I think we should go to the bazaar and have the people decide which is better.” Jordan suggested, knowing that if they did it here, they wouldn’t leave.
“By george, she’s right!” Genie exclaimed transforming into a nerdy account, “Statistically, it is always better to test things with a test audience, and according to my calculations that the Agrabah bazaar has the best cross-pool of audience with 10% bearded, 40% kids..” He transformed into his usually big blue self, “Aaand let’s get outta here!”
“Wait up!” Jay yelled, nearly running into the four of them with Jade at his side, “I wanna go to the bazaar too, there was that awesome scimir I wanted to buy.” “Yeah me too, I want to steal things too… I-I mean buy. Buy with money. That I did not steal from the mean guard.” “His name is Razoul, and you really shouldn’t. He already doesn’t like you.” Aziz shook his head.
“I don’t like him, and that’s what makes it so tempting.” Jade defended.
“Yeah, he kinda has it coming,” Jay agreed.
“Now, now, we won’t say anything about it. But you must stop,” Eden warned in a prim British accent, poofing into a blue serge suit like a certain famous nanny, “Now spit spot, hurry up, we don’t want to be late to the bazaar.”
Genie transformed into a Bert to his wife’s Mary Poppins, adding, “Come ‘ere ye kiddos and ‘urry it ‘up.”
Jay and Jade stared at each in the classic “What the hell?” expression that bystanders always had whereas her parents were concerned. Aziz and Jordan just shrugged and smiled.
And so they went off to the bazaar and as the sun beated down on them, and Jordan whipped up a hijab from air to keep off the heat, she hummed a familiar tune which Aziz and her dad easily picked up.
“As you wind through the streets at the fabled bazaars with the cardamom-cluttered stalls. You can smell every spice while you haggle the price of the silks and the satin shawls. Oh, the music that plays as you move through a maze in the haze of your pure delight. You are caught in a dance. You are lost in the trance of another Arabian night…”
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youarewarmth · 4 years
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Trying to mend my broken heart
(a very long post that started off as a letter to myself and others; I wasn’t going to post it, but my therapist said I should try, because it might encourage people to do the same if they’re struggling, so here it is)
So... I’ve been thinking if I should it. Do I have a right? I knew nothing of them – of him – until weeks ago. Can I even speak up? I have to let it out. Will I be scrutinized or listened and understood? I hope it’s the latter.
I knew SHINee was a thing, a band. A Korean band. I think my little sister was into them for a brief moment. I saw the band’s name mentioned on Twitter every now and then, but I never really cared. Just another K-Pop product, as they all are.
I fell into YouTube’s rabbit hole, as we all do sometimes, after I suddenly felt like listening to one of the songs I used to like. “Up next: SHINee – Forever or Never”. I thought “hm, what a coincidence!” and hit “play”.
“Wait… How is this the same song… but better?” I was so confused, but also thrilled. I don’t really like music that much. I have a hard time finding stuff that I really like and once I do, I stick to it until I memorize every note. I liked the version of the song. I really, really did, but I wish I never looked at the comments. That’s where it all started. The spiraling.
“R.I.P Kim Jonghyun you'll be forever in our hearts”
“Rest in Peace, my angel, you did well”
No.
My heart dropped. I looked up one phrase after another. I looked up SHINee, I looked up Jonghyun. Countless videos on YouTube. Of their first performances, of them having fun on stage, music videos, talk shows. Videos of Jonghyun breaking down in tears on stage. Videos of Jonghyung talking about the scrutiny, judgement and – again – breaking down in tears, wanting to be understood and accepted. Of his last show and the pain and emptiness in his eyes. Of how he died. Of his letter. Of them performing without him for the first time. Of “From Now On”. Of “Our Page”.
I couldn’t sleep that night. I’ve been sleep deprived ever since, because my thoughts keep racing and bring tears that I can’t contain. And with tears, immense grief. That’s all I can feel right now.
Why did it hit me so hard? Why him, why now? Maybe because we’re same age and I understand the struggles of getting older in the world where only the youngest can achieve something, though it was much worse for him. Maybe because I know what it feels like to lose a friend so suddenly. Maybe because I know exactly how he felt, even though we had completely different life experience. Or maybe we’re just kindred spirits that experience emotions a little bit too intensely.
You see, I’ve been dealing with depression ever since I was seventeen. That’s when my heart stopped. It was still beating, still keeping me alive, but I felt nothing. Nothingness slowly turned into pain. And hatred. I’ve achieved nothing. I’ve done nothing in my life. I’m a waste of time, waste of space. I was crying for help, but nobody ever listened. I would scream into my pillow every night until I fell asleep, I didn’t want to feel this pain. I wanted it to be gone. _I _wanted to be gone. I can’t count how many times I was minutes, seconds away from the irreversible. I didn’t do it and I felt like a coward. I was too weak to even do this much.
To this day I don’t know how I kept on living despite nobody giving a damn. I wanted to live, but I didn’t. And I think he felt the same. He desperately wanted to live. He was open about his condition, he reached out, looked for help. Except I got the help I needed. He, on the other hand, got scolded by his own “doctor”. He was told that it’s all because of his personality. What personality? A sensitive, compassionate angel? A loving friend? A gentle soul that wanted nothing, but to be an artist? Was it his fault that he was overworked, stressed, judged for every little thing he did? People didn’t really help either.  They would ask “is crying the new way of promoting your music?” Or say that SHINee doesn’t need Jonghyun, that he’s the ugly duckling of the group, or that he doesn’t have to pretend to know how to sing. And I’m angry. I’m so angry, because how fucking dare you?
I can't get the images of his last performances out of my head. They override everything good and sweet about him, because good and sweet is not how he felt in his final days. He felt pain and sadness, he felt old and lacking, he felt like he was so much less than he was. And he was so precious, warm and soft. Just like the fluffy blankets he loved so much. Did he feel his Blingers' love when he looked at them this one last time? Was it any comfort to him that he WAS loved by so many, after all? Did he know how far that love goes?
In his last performances he looks like he accepted his fate. And he just looks empty. He knew. He must have known what was going to happen. He was taking everyone and everything in, he was saying his last goodbyes. And it undid me completely. When he was recording the Shinin' video, did he know? Did he already know and sang "always be with you" to us to let us know that he will always be here even when his body is not?
We lost this pure soul to a disease that could’ve been treated. It was preventable. He could’ve still been with us if he got the help he need. And it truly fucks me up, and I can’t hold back tears – yet again – because he wasn’t supposed to be gone. He was supposed to be here and enjoy his life. Hold hands with girls, kiss boys, date like crazy (for the love of god let your idols date!), marry or not, have kids or not. He was supposed to make all the choices we all take for granted. But depression is a bitch that sneaks up on you and eats you alive, eats you whole, until you’re a shell, an emotionless zombie, and the thought that he probably felt like that… My heart aches for him so much I want to tear it out. I want to go back in time and do SOMETHING. I want him to be happy, grow old and depart when the time comes and not a second sooner. Would he be happy in this time line? Could I pass the strength I've gained over the years to him, so he can power through this life like an absolute champion he was?
I was watching old videos of Jonghyun interacting with other band members and I noticed that he was always craving closeness and human touch. He’d always stroke someone’s back or neck, held hands with them, hug, lean on, pat. And they weren’t big gestures, it looks like he did it all without even thinking. He enjoyed these little gestures that spoke volumes. Or how in the Excuse Me Miss video, where he’s introducing all the SHINee members, almost hyping them up, and when he introduces himself it’s in a much calmer, quieter manner. Can’t put my finger on it, but my first thought was the obvious “he’s so humble”.
In this short time he had such a great impact on my life that I miss him immensely, even though I've never met him like you guys did. I feel guilty, because I feel like I have no right to miss him, and yet I do. And I'm so utterly sad that it's hard to get up in the morning and carry on with my day, that's why I'm writing this. Will it get the sadness out of my system? I don't think it will, but I hope my thoughts and feelings will be less chaotic now. That I will be able to accept the painful reality, stop daydreaming, thinking "what if" and blaming myself even more for something I couldn't possibly help.
The last thing I want to say is that – as crazy as it sounds – I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jonghyun, that I couldn’t save you. Even though it was impossible, I’m sorry I didn’t do anything, that I wasn’t aware of your suffering, that I couldn’t be your shoulder to cry on when you needed one. I feel like it’s my fault, somehow, and that I should hop into the Future Gadget 204, 2nd Edition Ver. 2.31 right now and beg you to hold on. I wish I could. I wish it was possible. Because it does get better. It gets better. It gets better. It gets better. I don’t want any more people to feel like they’re lacking, like they aren’t enough, like they didn’t do well enough.
So, to whoever reads it and will possibly read this in the future, even if you stumble upon this “letter” a year from now, five hears, ten years; even if you’re not even born yet and it somehow survives, know that I’m here for you and I will always be here for you. If you’re looking for a sign not to do it today – let this be the sign. If you want me to remind you daily that you’re worth more than every star we’ve ever discovered – I’ll do it. I will be your friend, your shoulder to cry on, your safe haven and your protector.
And believe me, Shawols, when I say this - I wouldn't hesitate one bit if I could trade my life for his. This is the point where you go “damn, this woman crazy” and ridicule me to hell, but it won’t change the fact that if I were presented with the opportunity, I’d take it, because I have nothing to lose and there would be so much to gain. I know how many lives he affected and how many people are still hurting, and will be hurting until they meet him again. I don't believe in heaven or hell or afterlife, but thinking that he left this world in pain and there was nothing else waiting for him... I don't want it to be real. I wish he could make you all smile again. With his performances, with his IG Lives, with his wise words that touched so many, with his art, with his beautiful, gentle soul. And I'm selfish, because I want him back even though I know he didn't want to be around.
To you, my dear, dear, Jjong – you were loved. You were SO loved. You still are. You were a kind soul, a light of our eyes, that wasn’t meant for this cruel world. And your people are so proud of you. I truly hope there is life after life and that I will meet you there. And then I will give you the hug I couldn’t give when you were so alone. You will forever live in our hearts, some of which you touched even after your departure, and your legacy will never be forgotten.
I promise I will work hard. I promise to be more kind to people, but also to myself. I know you wouldn't want us to be hurting. You told us many times that we worked hard and we did well, even if they were the smallest things we managed to do at the time.
You were in my dreams the other night. You were sitting at a dining table in what had to be the strangest meet and greet ever and you signed a CD for me. For some reason it was a generic disc that was in one of those flimsy paper CD envelopes, because even in my dreams I have to totally embarrass myself. But you signed the envelope, smiled your beautiful smile and asked me if I'm well. I know it's all my brain's doing, because I've been thinking about you constantly lately, but I like to think that it's because you still very much care about your Blingers and want to check on them. Even on those that came long after you left. Hearing you now hurts, but I know that with time it will feel like warmest homecoming.
You worked hard, Jjong. Very hard. And you did well. And I thank you for that.
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xenoshadel · 6 years
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Small Victories
Series: Angels of Death
Summary:  Post-canon where after Zack and Rachel escaped, Zack wants to learn how to read. Granted it'll take some time on top of learning how to write, but it'll make a small victory of its own down the road. Warning for Zack being, well, Zack. Also on Ao3!
A small victory for Zack is finding a few snacks in the trash that still had the wrapping on. For Rachel, it’s gathering enough money to stay in the cheapest hotel they can find for a few nights. It was Rachel’s idea to beg on the streets for money, but after seeing how much more she made while people were quick to ignore Zack, the latter had more of an itch to kill someone and steal their wallet. He claimed it was easier that way, and it was a topic that didn’t have a moral victory if they could still scrounge up enough cash.
The apartment was as shabby as all the other ones they stayed at: a small living room with a tattered couch, a smaller kitchen down the hallway, a bedroom and a space with a table. Zack dropped the scythe he recently found—and grew to adore as much as his old one—on the couch while Rachel tucked the pieces of cardboard she carried with her by the bookcase in the living room.
“Hey,” Zack said. “I know you wrote things on the cardboard for people to read while you begged for a little while, but what does it actually say?”
“I wrote: ‘Homeless and cold, please spare any change you might have for food. God bless.’ Simple and to the point,” Rachel explained.
“You wrote that? And people can read it?”
“Well, yeah. Why?”
Zack narrowed his eyes in thought. “I did some thinking before you found the hotel and you offered to teach me to read. It would make things a hell of a lot easier if we split up and I knew what the store signs read or whatever papers in the alleys had to say. So I… might want to learn today.”
Now that was surprising of him to say. “You don’t sound like you want to though,” Rachel said.
“Well of course not, but like I said, it’ll be easier if I can read and I can’t exactly have people in the streets read to me while I mob them. So you down or what?”
Zack felt a little exasperated at the stare she gave him. Not of surprise or excitement, just the same dull look she always had on. He was ready to take back his words until she turned around to look through the apartment. Rachel found a stack of papers in the kitchen and the space with the table had a few pencils.
“If you insist, then yeah I can teach you.”
“Gee, no need to sound so excited now.” Sarcasm aside, Zack was a little curious when he walked over to sit on the chair across from Rachel. He picked a sheet of paper to place in front of him and had an awkward time positioning the pencil to stay comfortably in his hand. He decided against it and gave the pencil to Rachel instead. “So, what first?”
“We can do the alphabet for starters. I’ll write out each letter first and pronounce them for you.”
It seemed simple in the first few minutes until Zack started to count the letters after what seemed like a bit too many to him. “Hey, how many letters are there?”
“Twenty-six.”
“The hell? Why are there so many?”
Rachel gave him a blank look. “I don’t know. That’s just how the English alphabet was designed. Some languages have more or fewer letters.”
“More than twenty-six? Well shit. Alright, whatever.” Zack tried to follow along again, his eyes squinting at each shape of the letter. He sounded proud of himself when he looked over the easy ones like ‘l’ and ‘o’ while those that looked similar to each other gave him an annoying itch at his fingertips.
Rachel finished all the letters and started another row of shapes that looked different to Zack and he asked, “Wait, what are those supposed to be?”
“When it comes to writing, there are capital and lowercase letters. I wrote the capital letters first and those are for the first letter of a sentence or the first letter of important words, like a name. Lowercase letters then follow after it.” Rachel continued to write the letters until it seemed like the whole page was full of shapes, not noticing that Zack was already lost when she finished.
Well that made things more annoying. Zack pursed his lips. “The fuck? Why is it so complicated?”
“That’s just how the system works for reading and writing properly. Plus if you can read, you can also write.”
“Now why the fuck do I need to do that for?”
“To write notes for yourself, maybe as a reminder?” Rachel shrugged.
“I may not have a head like yours but I’m not stupid enough to forget things,” Zack scoffed. “What else, write a fuckin’ diary to talk about my feelings?”
Rachel watched him lean against the chair and kick his feet up on the table. “That’s one option.”
“Dear diary. I found a squirrel and told him my name, even spelled it out for ‘em. He ran away before I finished and the fucker hurt my feelings. Maybe writing them out will make me feel better but I still want to tear that bastard into shreds. Love, Zack.”
Rachel paused. “Some people write explicitly but most find that it helps make them feel better.”
“What does? Writing out their feelings like a sissy?”
“Well yeah. Even though it didn’t happen, imagine if you wrote it down. How do you think you’ll feel?”
“Eh? I’d feel the same? Like myself? The fuck kind of magic is writing supposed to do to me?” Zack put his feet down and leaned close to her. “Are you a fuckin’ therapist now?”
Rachel sighed, “Far from it, unless you want Doctor Danny to come back from the dead.”
“Fuck yeah I do! That way I can rip him apart for sure and the guy will be booted to hell,” Zack laughed. “Should’ve done it when I had the chance. Damn.”
“Do you want to continue or not?”
The thought of slashing the doctor’s head off was brushed away from her unfazed voice, and Zack sighed, “I didn’t say I’ll stop, did I?” He snatched the paper from her. “Lemme go through this then.”
Well, neither of them mentioned him stopping but if that meant giving him more motivation to practice then by all means. Rachel stepped around him while Zack pronounced each letter of the alphabet to himself and rewrote them on a new sheet of paper. There were a few times he almost broke the pencil from using the eraser too hard at the mistakes he made, and he kept grumbling to himself when he stopped to brush the eraser shavings away.
“Why the fuck does some of the letters look like that anyway? More scribbles but fancier, psh.”
Rachel ignored him, knowing that a response will make him more irritated with his progress. He didn’t seem too frustrated though, determined and annoyed were better ways to describe him, despite how much time he took with his handwriting.
“Ah fuck, why bother with all this if I can say words,” Zack muttered.
“Some letters are trickier to write than others, but at least try to write the whole alphabet down.”
“There you go with your orders. I was already doing that, eh?”
Zack could make the argument that the pen was mightier than the sword if he stabbed someone hard enough with it. He remembered hearing that phrase before, and he was sure the pencil will work just as fine if he was really pissed off. The sharpener was on the table and he took a few moments to use it when the lead was too dull to continue.
“You know, I found papers with writing in the place you stayed at when I went to your floor for the knife. Did you… try to write?” Rachel asked.
Zack paused. “Not like it mattered but yeah, guess I did. I knew that the alley papers with my picture were about me but it didn’t mean shit if I can’t read ‘em. Writing would’ve been pointless but I wanted to have a go to see what it felt like. Didn’t last long, didn’t fuckin’ matter.”
Rachel noticed how careful he was about making the pencil sharp and it was probably something he did back then, too. “But now it matters?”
“Because it’s important now, yeah. Sure.” He ruffled her hair, smirking when she tried to fix it. “I don’t have the greatest teacher in the world but I’m not complaining a whole lot, hm?”
He sounded a little satisfied with himself with the smile he wore, and Rachel returned a small smile of her own. He quipped at it remaining the same as ever but changed his focus onto the paper. Zack finished the alphabet and still had enough room on the bottom of the page to try a combination of words. He surprised her when she realized that he was trying to write her name, though with mild difficulty when he attempted her first name. After scratching it off to avoid wasting the eraser, he tried again with her nickname.
Zack handed the paper to her. “Well? I didn’t like how I made the rest of the letters for your name so I did that instead, Ray.”
“Not bad. It’s still legible enough to read,” Rachel said.
“I ain’t some fancy prick,” Zack snorted. “Don’t need to be one anyway.”
“Maybe I can teach you cursive writing too.”
“The fuck is that?”
Rachel smiled, turning the paper over to write her full name. To say that Zack was surprised would be an understatement when he watched her write out the letters and how they stayed connected. The loops and swirls looked more garbled than his own handwriting and he threw his hands up.
“There ain’t no fucking way that’s writing! Even I can do something like that!”
“It’s cursive writing. Something people back in the day used and some people to this day continue to write in cursive,” Rachel explained. “Think of it as writing meant to look fancy.”
“If that’s fancy then my writing is fucking beautiful.” Zack rolled his eyes. “But this isn’t necessary writing? I don’t need to know this, right?!”
“Well, it might be helpful if you came across cursive writing and knew what it read.”
“Aw c’mon! That’s more work to do and remember!” Zack glared at the writing, trying to make sense of the swirls that looked like witchcraft symbols to him. He could guess the first letter being ‘R’, but the rest that followed lost him. She was probably messing with him, though her eyes barely held any amusement for him to threaten her with, and he sighed heavily instead. “Save this lesson for much, much later, aight?”
“If you insist. I’m sure we’ll have enough paper to practice by then.”
“Shut it. I ain’t the fastest learner but damn it the pencils will be put to good use. What else do we have to write with?”
Blue eyes looked around them. “I did spot a few pens by the door, but ink and lead aren’t the only things you can use if you’re in a situation without a writing utensil. Blood can be written with as well.”
“Blood?” Zack gave her an odd look. “You got a sick mind now? Slicing yourself up to send a message to someone?”
“It sends a message in its own way.” Rachel shrugged. “If there’s no ink or lead and you still have something to write with, even your own hands, then it works.”
“And that’s batshit crazy,” Zack muttered. “So wait, when we went through all those floors and you saw some writing on the walls, you read all that?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you remember what you read?”
Rachel raised an eyebrow. The memories blurred together for her and even if she did remember, it wouldn’t be significant. “No. They weren’t important and were too vague to be helpful as clues.”
“Huh.” Zack sounded unconvinced but there wasn’t a point to ask more about it. He looked back at the stack of paper. “Well, I’ll try again on this.”
The fact he was committed to learning how to write when he was previously against it amused Rachel. She didn’t have it in her to laugh about it, let alone have her eyes do the talking, but a small smile was the most for either of them to understand the message. “Let me know if you need help with something.”
“Hey I can manage just fine,” Zack said. He was already in his mode of concentration, which frankly was something he wasn’t used to being in. He didn’t remember the last time he had to think that hard for any reason when things were simple back then, but he supposed it wasn’t as simple now.
He paused at the thought and turned to Rachel, who went to look through one of the books in the shelves of the living room. She picked a heavy one and brushed the dust off it while she made her way to the couch, and Zack caught gold writing on the cover when she opened it. A simple thing to notice, and if he was able to read the cover, it'll be a small victory of its own. And if Rachel can read the whole book without a problem, maybe there will be a day where it won’t be as… complicated for him, to put it.
He sat back at the table, his hand reaching for the pencil and he took a moment to inspect it. The point remained sharp and with a bit of movement, he can create something that was already so simple to everyone else, until one day he can be on the same page as them. Zack chuckled a little at his own joke, mainly to brush off the impending headache after using what felt like too much brainpower to him, and picked a clean sheet of paper to start off with.
“Guess it’s the alphabet again.”
Scritch scritch.
“Lowercase ‘b’ is that way… ‘D’ is that way… ‘M’ then ‘n.’ ‘P’ is… ah shit, the lead broke off.”
He picked up another pencil to resume his work. Most of the letters were written without his headache growing, and he decided to attempt something else.
“Z… nah that’s not straight enough. Or maybe that’s okay? For fuck’s sake, I don’t think it matters.”
Scritch scritch.
“Z... a…”
Zack felt silly for trying so hard, but if Rachel happened to be feeling smug about this, he will be sure to prove her wrong. Or did she ever smug? Nah, that’s too useless to think about, and he was nearly finished anyway.
“C… K. ‘Kay. Cool?” Zack looked at the paper, squinting at the letters. “Guess it does feel different to actually recognize it. Z.. a… ck. Huh.”
A touch of pride that blossomed when he read his name a few times over. That was his name he successfully wrote, his name. Granted it didn’t match the feeling he had after a sweet kill or cutting down someone that smiled too broadly, but it felt nice to do a good job at something that was still a part of him.
“Hey Ray! I got my name down!” he called out, a little too giddy at his own victory.
Soft footsteps when Rachel made her way to him and she looked at the paper. Her eyes didn’t match his excitement, but she nodded in approval. “I think it’s more legible this time, too.”
“Oh come on. Whatever, it’s good enough for the day!”
Rachel tilted her head. “You don’t plan on practicing more?”
“After learning the alphabet, reading that, and writing this?! I don’t have enough brains in me, squirt,” Zack scoffed. “Doing more would kill me, though I’m dying for a kill.”
He laughed at the subtle way her eyes narrowed at him. “I’m kidding. Maybe. I think writing in blood won’t be so fucked up after all if it’s someone else’s blood and me writing my name on them. How cool would that be?!”
“You will be identified sooner and breaking out of jail won’t be so easy after a few times,” Rachel simply said.
“Way to ruin the party.” Zack stuck his tongue out. “I’ll still do it, mark my words. Ha! Get it?”
No response from her but Zack still laughed anyway. He clapped his hands and announced the extra brainpower he used was enough to make him hungry, and he strolled towards the fridge. Rachel shook her head, gathering the papers to put away for the next day and she stopped at the paper Zack used.
He wrote his name and at the bottom of the page, he wrote her name as well. Zack and Ray, and he did seem more proud of himself when he walked away. Rachel glanced between the paper and him, who found a jug of soda to chug down, and made another little smile before she put the papers in a folder.
Life wasn’t as simple as before, but maybe it was getting better with the small victories.
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xflower-childx · 4 years
Audio
You can’t have the Rainbow without the Rain
It's funny because when I share the adventures from this past week everyone assumes I'm in such a bad headspace and that I'm so torn down by it, when honestly I feel such a weight lifted. Yes it's been stressful, and I've had a few breakdowns but honestly... I'm happy and God I've felt so much more free this week and I can breathe. L brought me more stress than comfort. I was always on edge and feared my words, actions, and future when it came to living with her. I always felt this form of spite from her, but after talking with my boss she thinks it came from jealousy, which makes me laugh because I can't see why someone could be jealous of me. I mean... I'm an incredibly broke bitch just trying to get through life. Thinking on it more though I can see it in a way, from messages I've gotten from her to her all around attitude. She never left the house for her, she only left for her parents, the grocery store, or a fucked up ex or two she never cut off. She only ever moped around, rarely did her stay at home job, and took all of her dad's money. She never cared about herself and was more negative than I was in Middle school. Which says A LOT. I would always invite her out on my hikes, runs to town, or even outings with friends and she would say no with some negative comment about herself or say 'Daddy needs me to go run to this, this and that store and mom needs her Taco Bell and I just hurt so bad and my head is pounding and I feel like ass'. I would ask why her father couldn't do his own errands (which honestly... he NEVER did but also he's working to provide for him, his wife and their 35 year old CHILD after triple bypass surgery) and she would make some comment about how they won't always be around and she has to help them, but honestly... If she ran errands for them she could buy for herself as well.
I hate to sit here and speak so negatively of her but I know she did the same while kicking me out. Two wrongs don't make a right of course but... I dunno M&M has agreed that she lost her fucking mind this past week especially and it probably was part of changing up her meds which of course she has a million medications so it wouldn't surprise me. I had suggested she goes to a therapist which she nearly did but always blamed it on the VA and them not calling her or something along those lines. There was always an excuse though. For everything.
I remember having so many talks with her about trying to do better and actually care about herself and her future. She would make these baby steps forward and be so close to doing something good for herself but then she would have a night terror, headache, bad thought or text from her toxic boy toy and then it would be ten steps backwards straight to crying in bed. It was such heavy negative energy my empathetic ass was draining close to empty all the time. I would encourage us to eat something good, healthy, and filling and even make it but then she would order Papa John's with 'Daddys' money.
I know I have a bad habit of wanting to 'Fix' people but I just don't like seeing the people I care about hurting. I hate knowing that they can do such simple small things things to help make a big impact in their life and mental health but just won't do it and say they can't. I am always happy to help encourage them and I'm all about being the hype girl for my tribe. I'm all for bringing out the best in them and watching them succeed and sharing how proud I am of them. It brings me such Joy because seeing them being proud of themselves is the greatest. I feel it for them... And when L felt it for herself It made me the happiest because I also felt all her self hate. I remember my first months there confusing her self hatred for my own. It was this odd feeling because I felt like I had moved past that point within myself. The point of literally hating every aspect of myself from looks to personality. It didn't make sense because I do see the beauty in myself at this point and I see the good I bring. So for me to have mistaken the opposite of everything I had worked so hard to improve for my own it had really brought me down and confused me. Of course I took myself to the mountains at that point and did some reflection and worked on figuring out where my head was and why it was diving into such a dark place again. It worked and I realized I didn't have these issues of self loathing with myself, it was me sucking in all of L's negativity and taking it as my own. This also started to happen more and more. Thankfully I had figured it out and worked on blocking it out by creating a force field around myself so it wouldn't be so bad. This ended up creating a lot of trips to the mountains and staying in my room more than being social with her which I never want for my living arrangement.
I love NC, I'm incredibly happy with the place I am at with myself and how I've fought to get where I am. I know I have more growing to do, and more to learn but ultimately I'm happy and I don't really care to allow any negativity to ruin that. I know that when L first told me to leave she wanted me to fight back and beg to stay but I'm sick of begging for basic love and care from people, so I accepted it because I didn't deserve the way she handled everything and I knew I needed to get out of a toxic situation for my own health.
So where does that leave me now? Well currently I’m stalling on writing a letter to L to maybe help band aid some of the crazy drama as I can’t leave the friendship we had be completely destroyed. I’m with M&M and I have been slowly moving stuff downtown to my new place with a really cool new roommate who is the complete opposite of L which truly excites me, shes super low maintenance and the house is close if not over 100 years old. Its also painted rainbow colors and in the heart of downtown. I see a new chapter and I’m so open and ready for it. I see new friends and new experiences, Maybe even some traveling? I do have my mind still set on going to Asheville but I’m not rushing that just yet. Ideally by the end of the year, but January is only just coming to a close so we still have some time there. Also I”m still so open to anywhere else time takes me. Asheville is just a place to help me remember not to stay in WS,
I also wouldn’t mind opening up the dating door more. It’s been open of course but I also know this move could make meeting people easier in a sense. There is a guy who I’ve discovered having quite a bit in common with and we have enjoyed talking to each other and when we finally met up things went pretty well, a little awkward because that’s just how I am, but well... Until L showed up and wouldn’t shut up and then also the whole kicking out happened and my communication with everyone kinda fell to even more shitty than it typically is.
I just know that I do kinda want someone, someone to do something but also nothing with, someone to cheer each other on, and travel about. I want a person but I also want a person that wants me. I am perfectly content in my own space and prefer it most of the time, but I do want to share existence with someone and I don’t close anyone off, and maybe my friend D isn’t that person (Even though we share a lot of the same goals, music, and views) but the thought excites me again, being wanted and cared for, especially being that I kinda know how to be wanted and cared for in a sense.
Before I wrap this up though I wanted to share final thoughts with an R update for myself. I sort of feel hypocritical with the way I speak of L and her relationship with Florida dude. Granted he is far more toxic than I feel R could ever be in my case but I put that on us having a genuine relationship at one point. I did reach out when I had hit a wall this week and no, I don’t regret it, I just needed a friend, someone who I felt didn’t think I was terrible and could provide a song or two to help pull me out of wanting to just throw in the towel and leave the state. Did he provide that? Eh, not really. I feel if he wanted to be there for me more he would have been. I gave conversation and he didn’t really give back, which is fine of course as he is perfectly allowed to not be in my life if he doesn’t care to be. I honestly felt the same when Lil pup was super sick. He could have been there, but he chose not to be.
I know that I always had this silly little thought that maybe someday it would be us but with each failed text conversation I see that image break and break along with every realization of his lack of want to keep me in his life in anyway. Of course its my own silly stupidity to think that we could ever be endgame or friends or even acquaintances, but its always so hard to let go of something you cherish so much. I know that people leave your life and you just have to let them, but maybe its that I always wanted someone to want me in this way so its hard to let go, which is almost funny because he never even had this kind of want for me. I don’t really want to let go but I know I have to for someone to want me in the way I want to be wanted and needed. I also know that I do think about him, our time and stupid ‘what ifs’ more than I should because again, I see no future there when the other half of this duo doesn’t either.
These thoughts will fade with time of course and when someone truly steps up to love me the way I deserve, to travel, cook, and do everything and nothing with me. To see how rare I am and appreciate having me around the way he didn’t. This person will fight to be in my life the way I fought for someone who doesn’t want me in there’s, except I will accept their love and make sure they know I want it so they won’t have to fight so hard.
I know I miss him, or more of who we were when we were on top of the world in the boring state of Florida. I don’t really remember that all anymore though and I will continue to remember less and less of the good, which sucks because it appears only the bad will continue to remain sadly with no good left in its wake. I tried. I really did. I had hoped we could see and be on top of the world at some point but I know that’s another silly thought. If I have learned anything from all the drama this past week it’s that you can’t make people care if they don’t want to.You’ll just hurt yourself trying. I’m just exhausted at this point.
So I hope he is happy. I really do. I hope he’s happy where he is at physically and mentally. I hope he is finally a lot more comfortable in his own skin, which I know everyday is different and I don’t think he will ever be perfectly happy within himself in that way but I hope he has more good days than bad. I hope he finally allows himself to love again, and I hope she is nice, pretty, and is good. No more fake toxic bitches, but he has a taste so... Who knows. Either way, I hope he will finally love himself enough to share his love, because I know he has fantastic love to give.
Two days later and this is finally written, at least most of it. I need to get more writing out but I better write L that letter before I talk myself out of it. I’m kind of over being the good adult here but thankfully her drama is over... For now at least. I’m scared to see what shit she will say back after. Also bitch took my avocado container and ice pack >.>
Alright but here we go 2020. The year of growing in the kitchen, traveling not just the US but also internationally, moving out of WS, learning to rock climb, maybe finding some love? No rush with that as it shouldn’t be, but I’m very open to it :)   BUT it’s the year of good. I’m still happy, positive, and here. It’ll be a good year!
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floralbfs · 5 years
Text
WIP Ask Game!
thank u anon!!!!
1: Summarize your WIP in 10 words or less.
orphan gains powers, gets adopted by alien, saves the world.
2: Post a line from your WIP with no context.
'There's a whoosh of air, and Leo suddenly hears a voice he never thought he'd ever be able to hear again.'
3: Does your WIP have a title? If so, explain its significance. If not, what are you calling it for now?
Okay so I have been calling it the Youtuber Superhero AU (because it started as a fandom au but then i made it an original!!) but I thought maybe it could be "Thicker than Water", since my MC, Leo, is an orphan and he lives alone for most of his life (most of his life lmao at least until canon point? read also: around 9-11 years when in canon he's like 19?) in a remote, lowkey magical place/dimension?, but ultimately he comes back to his hometown and creates a family for himself!!!! i won't give spoilers but, since i already said this, part of his found family is his adoptive dad, an alien who is also a superhero!! If not TtW, I would call it maybe,,,,, Moonstone???? at least the first book!!! (ooh, maybe TtW can be the series name and Moonstone the first book's name?) because Leo kind of gets his powers through a moon stone????? it's not actually moon stone; it was a strange rock he found in the magical dimension that seeked out a champion for the god Huitzilopochtli??? and the closest word Leo could get for it was Moonstone, because of its uhhhhh singular qualities!
4: Describe the setting of your WIP.
OKAY, this is a fun one!!! Leo's hometown is named Star Nova, idk why it just seemed cool, and it is a futuristic city!!! They don't follow capitalism Because I Said So, and they're really into, like, environmental stuff!!! So you'd see SO much flora all over the city kshdsjfh like those???? idk what they're called but like the towns overridden with plants? but controlled!!! There's a tiny percentage of the population (tho I still haven't decided if this is worldwide?? I have a way to make it worldwide but idk) who have superpowers, either due to "individual" factors (e.g Leo's powers are bc of the moonstone, and Matthew(his dad)'s powers are due to him being an alien!) or were affected by a weird experiment an Evil Corporation™ were doing; ECtm was trying out an illegal experiment that could alter living beings' genetics to their will, but it went wrong and their substance exploded and went airborne. Those who were working on it knew about its risks and toxicity, ergo they were wearing a special suit and weren't affected, but the gas contaminated and ??mixed?? with the air and spread to the nearest city, Star Nova (the unofficial capital of the Joint Pacific Nations) and affected a Whole Lot Of People!!! this all happened a while before canon, and the corporation got away with it bc they were filthy rich basically. Anyway, a lot of the people who were affected to the "virus" reacted negatively and died, some were uhhh """immune"""???, and a few Seemed to be immune but had actually had a successful celular-level bonding with the substance! It didn't do anything to them, but their children/grandchildren were born with physical or mental anomalies, also known as super powers (gasps)!!!! BUT!!! a lot of the story happens in the magical city of Coatl (it means serpent!), located within a pocket dimension somewhere inside the Mexican southern forest, where Leo finds himself when he's four years old, recently orphaned, guided by a magical ....bird....being....? he lives there for around eleven years, and he's granted Huitzilopochtli's Champion's power once he's like. Not A Baby lmao. Coatl is.... kind of like,,,,, an Olympus, I guess? Only those with like the destiny to find it know where it is, and they can lead other people there if it's for good causes! It's almost like a sentient city, and the Aztec gods kinda. chilled there???? my theory is that a lot of religious mythologies exist, at least in this universe, and they all co-exist on earth, or pocket dimensions inside of it!!! anyway, Leo lived there and was basically raised by gods???? and an AI???? bc i love AIs???? and uhhhh i think that got away from me ajdhsjdhsj does all of this even count as setting??? am i missing anything????
5: Search for the word “knife” in your WIP. If you find it, paste the line and explain the context.
no knives sadly :( i guess i haven't reached Those Scenes yet???? tho there should be one in the first chapter….. my wip document is just kind of very messy ajdhsjdjsjdh i might just have to make a new document????
6: Search for the word “dream” in your WIP. If you find it, paste the line and explain the context.
???????????? why am i not using any words?????????? sorry :/
7: What are you most proud of?
probably the worldbuilding and characters (at least those with superpowers? maybe i should say superpowers period)!!!!! they're very complex and thought-out????? and i THINK they're original!!!!! so!!!!! \( ̄▽ ̄)/
8: What is your biggest challenge?
oooooof,,,,,,,, probably..... getting an actual plot lmao????? like i have an overall view of my would-be first and second books, but i don't know if they actually have enough to them to be written as they are?????? like… idk if the conflict is really like??? worthy to be a Main Conflict™????
9: How would you describe your writing style?
oooooooh uhhhhh maybe….. flowery prose???? i'm a poet at heart, so if i don't use loads of metaphors and language uhhhh idk their name in english but language variators??? i will literally die. but seriously nsjdhsjdhsjfh nothing too serious!!!! most of my “”””angst”””” scenes are….. not so sad, i think skfjsjfj
10: How would you describe your WIP’s narrative style? (1st person, 3rd person, multiple POVs, single POV, alternating chapters, etc.)
oh!!!! well, i think it'd be multiple povs, alternating chapters, third person???? i'm still not sure whether to use 1st or if i already have??? p sure that's a different wip i'm thinking about tho
11: Which character do you have the most in common with?
uhhhhhhhhhhhh seeing how underdeveloped she is right now??? probably Persephone???? bc she's genderfluid skfjsjfjdjfh or uhhhh Scott??? bc i too love leo with my heart and would die for him and stay with him in the afterlife. (hypothetically, of course….)
12: Which character do you have the least in common with?
Maeve, probably!!!! she's, uh…. Something.
13: Your characters are stranded on a deserted island. What happens?
They Are All A Mess. akfhajfjajfj Matthew would probably become the leader and like. establish order and shit???? but he's also the hugest nerd so he'd just give the leader role to someone else (probably seph staine?) and goes exploring and cataloging shit skfhsjfhdjf Leo is probably the most resourceful one of the bunch, so he would immediately like. start planning for huts and food and stuff???? also idk if they would have their powers in this situation cause it'd be too easy to get them all out of there????? but let's just say they do but the island is inescapable by flight?? he can talk to animals, so he could communicate with the local fauna and like form alliances???? Seph is a good leader, so he'd probably like….. keep everything in check???? and Leo's friends are all good and resourceful, so they'd make a good team!!!! tldr they basically create order immediately and do their best to not struggle??? after a few days/weeks, some of them start to like. break down? but the adults are like. wise and shit??? and i'm pretty sure at least one of them is like a licensed therapist??? so they help each other out uwu
14: Have you chosen birthdays for any of your characters? If so, when are they?
oh!!!! only for a few!!!! Leo and Maeve's birthday is on March 25, Scott's birthday is on August 27, Matthew doesn't really have a birthday??? because time is different in his planet????, Percy and Persephone's birthday is somewhere in November, and uhhhh im p sure that's all i got akfjsjfjsj i suck at birth dates
15: Do you know your characters’ MBTI personalities?
GOD, no. maybe i should do their tests???👀
16: What would your characters be for Halloween?
Leo… doesn't believe in/care for Halloween, as he didn't grow up around it, but it's totally Scott's jam!!! they are dirt poor in a good first half of the book, though, so they can't really dress up :( they met in the library, and after (spoiler alert!!!) scotty's death, Leo feels it appropriate to dress up as Scott's fave characters every year. Percy and Persephone are (very weak) shapeshifters, so their costumes ROCK!!!!! they always do matching costumes, so they get cliché pair costumes!! Matthew….. uh. he is… way too old for that. he was literally alive before Halloween was even a thing, so it's not really his thing. Leah just……. does her own thing??? she can see ghosts, so she sometimes does like historical costumes and stuff with their help!!! and Ben…. oof tbh that depends on what his fave song/album/whatev is at the moment??? he kinda creates like a story/aesthetic for them and dresses up that way!!!!
17: Does your WIP have any themes or motifs?
uhhhh found family, definitely!!!! i really can't think of any bc i'm an idiot, but uhhhh intelligence??? if that's a thing??? like,,, they're all powerful and shit but it's also like. brains over brawns????
18: What’s easier, dialogue or description?
i think description!!!! neither of them are… hard??? but!!! description is like…… where i can go hog wild akfjskfjsjfb
19: Post a picture or gif that describes your WIP.
20: Post a brief excerpt.
Leo @Leoberry
You asked, I answered. New Q&A video is now up!
[3k retweets, 10k likes, 9k replies] 20 min. ago
[My First Q&A- video transcription excerpt]
[Leo Berry, a nineteen-year-old brunette guy with green eyes, wearing a red shirt with a lightning symbol on it that's loose on his muscular form, waves at the camera and smiles widely, dimples showing up on his cheeks.]
Leo: Hey, guys. You've been asking me to do a Q&A for a while, and the day has finally arrived! I told you to ask me questions on Twitter with the hashtag #AskBerry, and I've picked a few!
[Leo smiles brightly and lifts up his cellphone.]
Leo: First off, here's one by @razzberry- nice username, by the way-: “what's your cat's name? Do you have more than one?”
[The video shifts, and there's suddenly two cats sitting on Leo's arms: a large, orange cat quickly falling asleep on his shoulder, and a black kitten hugged in his arms.]
Leo: I do! This little fella-
[He gasps as the kitten in his arms struggles to get free and runs off-camera.]
Leo: Don't leave me! Okay, that little fella is Onyx, and, as you can see, he doesn't like me very much. Anyway, this little gal asleep over here…
[He points toward a small orange cat sleeping on his shoulder.]
Leo: ...is Tigress! She's my little baby. You've probably seen her around a lot on my vlogs, since she really likes to hang out on my bed.
Leo: Next! @Honeybats asked: ‘“is it true your dad is Jade?”
[Leo smiles and, after a few seconds of trying to school his features, bursts out laughing.]
Leo: You mean to ask whether my dad is Matlal Jade, the greatest superhero of our era?
Leo: ...Well, yeah! My dad- [more laughs] my dad is totally my Jade. His name is Matthew, and I keep asking him to fly me to school. He says it's not funny!
[He sobers up for a second.]
Leo: Jokes aside, he adopted me a few years ago and he'll always be a superhero in my eyes. I was in a really dark place when he found me, and I can't thank him enough for all that he's done for me.
[Leo looks away for a second and loses his smile. The video cuts and skips again, and Leo appears once again, this time sporting an easy smile and a blue shirt, this one tighter around his shoulders.]
Leo: things got a bit too deep! This one was sent by @shazhangs: “are you dating anyone at the moment?”
[Leo laughs.]
Leo: God, no. I mean, I'm not really a people person, you know? And I’ve been so focused on work, vlogging, and, uh, extracurriculars, that I really haven't had any time to socialise.
[Leo laughs again.]
Leo: This one comes from @perspartone: will you collab with any other youtubers anytime soon?
Leo: Yeah, sure! I don't think I have done any videos with other people in the past, so it'd be a fun thing to do! I just have to find a friend first.
[Leo laughs loudly.]
[End of excerpt. For viewing of the video, refer to Leo Berry on Youtube, and find the full transcription here at DailyBerries in a few hours.]
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worthsomethingtoday · 7 years
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Our Interview with Upgrade
1. What is your names & what do you play in the band? 
 Upgrade - rapper, vocalist, emcee 
 2. How did the band get started?
 I don’t think i can really pinpoint a time when it started since I’ve been writing and making music forever, but I started to get really serious around high school. Thats around the time when I was giving out cds, playing live, and being confident enough to have people start listening to the music I was making. I linked up with some of my best friends and people I still work with to this day while working at Best Buy. We all did something in music whether it was DJing, producing, or promoting, and it kind of organically grew into a small team. 
 3. What has the funniest thing that has every happened to you on stage? 
 Its hard to narrow it down to one thing but a memorable moment was when I rolled myself up in the carpet on stage and performed with it around me like a cocoon. 
 4. If you had 1 million dollars in the music industry what would you use it for? 
 I would invest it into everything I’m doing now just on a bigger scale. I want to get my message out there and unfortunately money is a huge factor in getting things off the ground. A lot of times i would work 9-5 jobs in order to pay for my next video, or pay for a shipment of cds, any kinds of mercy, marketing, producing, mixing….All of this takes money. I’ve been in positions where lets say I had an idea for a music video that required top of the line special effects but for the budget I’m on, i wouldn’t get anywhere close to that so I would have to get creative with ways to do it on a budget. I would rather have that million dollars at the point I’m at now because if I were to get that money when i first started, i feel like I wouldn’t have invested it well and I wouldn’t have saw the side of really grinding and hustling and making things work. I think that all played a part in my learning experience and making me the artist i am today. 
 5.  If you could tour with any band or musician dead or alive who would it be with & why? 
 There are a list of my favorite artists that I would be honored to go on tour with but honestly my ultimate goal is to go on a successful sold out tour that I headline and be able to take the people who have been working with me at my lowest along for the ride. I think that pay off would be the best feeling in the world. 
 7. What do you think of the media frenzy over mental illness meaning should we talk about it more in the world I think bringing awareness to mental illness in anyway will help overall. 
I feel like it is still a very taboo topic since not everyone understands it. To hear from the people who go through it themselves I believe can help those who don’t understand get a better idea of what someone suffering from mental illness is going through. It helps others to not feel alone and get the courage to speak out about their own experiences. I think the only issue is when opinions become overpowering. Someone might be against the use of meds and be able to overcome their lows with natural supplements, while someone else may need a cocktail of meds in order to get out of bed in the morning. Someone might be able to overcome their mental illness by themselves while someone else might need to speak to a therapist. None of these options are wrong, but we shouldn’t shame one or the other. The goal should be getting people help and making sure they are able to live a comfortable life.
 8. Have you ever dealt with depression or any other mental illness & if so how did you handle it? 
 I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I never felt like I ‘got over’ either of them, but I continue to work harder on seeing them less often. For me, music is a huge outlet to get out feelings, I’ve tried countless amounts of natural supplements and remedies, I have tried everything from acupuncture to massages like reflexology, from therapy to hypnotherapy, meditation, I continue to read self help books, surround myself with positive people. I guinea pigged a bunch of different medications before getting on the cocktail that I am on now. 
 9. What would you say has been the most difficult or hardest part of your life so far? 
 For me it was finding the right med/meds that worked for me. It is really difficult to find hope during the times of countless failed medications. You start to feel like you will never get better. I had horrible withdrawal from some meds that kept me bedridden for 2 weeks straight, not enough getting enough energy to get up and shower. Brain zaps, insomnia, vomiting, vertigo, panic attacks, all constant for 2 weeks straight. I hope one day they can pinpoint symptoms as easy as a headache and get people the right med and dose that works for them right away. 
 10. What would you tell a fan that is struggling with self harm ? 
 Some fans have reached out to me telling me how my music has helped them stop themselves from self harming themselves and as much as I appreciate it, I also always advise them to get professional help. While I would hope that my music could stop you from hurting yourself for good, I still think it is important to seek out help and not feel embarrassed or weak for having to do so. 
 11. What is like when a fan comes up too you & tells them your music saved there life or get them though hard times in life? 
 There is honestly no better feeling in the world. I first started making music to help myself and get my own emotions out there and get through tough times but there is no better pay off than to see it help so many others. I don’t think it will ever be something I take for granted and I only hope that my music can continue to grow to reach more and more people who might be struggling with mental illness. 
 12. Does any of your songs talk about anything dealing with depression or self harm or anything along them lines. 
 My whole “Chemical Imbalance: Another Dose” album is all about dealing with all forms of mental illness. It was a project that I felt i needed to get out before I could work on anything else. To be that vulnerable, especially in hip hop, can be seen as being weak but I had to come to terms with my struggle with mental illness and put it out there without worrying about how people will judge me. In return, it actually ended up feeling empowering to be able to be that honest with myself and put those stories out there. 
 13. What would you tell some ones that scared to ask for help because they don't wanna be looked at differently.
 There is nothing to be embarrassed or scared about. You are human, and you deserve to get help. It isn’t about what anyone else thinks, its about you getting control of your life and focusing all your energy on getting yourself in a better position so you can grow. When I went to therapy, when I started meds, when I lived at home at 26 years old, all of these things made me feel weak and not as good as the next person but I needed to take that time to work on myself before I could move on and get to the place I’m in now. Dedicate every minute to your well being and know that in the end you will come out stronger than ever before. You may have to try different doctors, different meds, different practices, and it might not be a quick fix, but whats important is continuing to work on getting better. Appreciate every step that you take and be proud of the small achievements you make. 
 14. Do you think we as society should be able to have a conversation about mental health without being judge or looked at differently & do you think we should be able to talk about it in our school systems?
 Of course, but I also think we should talk about it without the fear of being judged. The more people open up about it and talk about it like any other topic, the easier that the conversation will be. 
15. Do you think the media should look at mental health in a positive light, more then just jumping to conclusions on the news? 
 The media needs ratings , and unfortunately those ratings come from scare tactics and “MENTALLY ILL MURDERER ON THE LOOSE” is going to have people tune in. I think outlets like your website will help more than mainstream media ever will.
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qkantyjk-blog · 5 years
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Can anyone recommend a website that will give free quotes for multiple car insurance companies?
Can anyone recommend a website that will give free quotes for multiple car insurance companies?
I m trying to find a website that will give different quotes for comprehensive car insurance in Australia. Can anyone recommend one?
BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :HELP-INSURE.NET
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enemylegal55-blog · 5 years
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How I Finally Became Happy My Senior Year Of College After Years Of Hating It
Happier & Healthier is a column dedicated to providing real-life reflections, post-grad life advice to make you feel less alone, and tips to help you live the best life you possibly can. 
Say hello to 18-year-old me. I was attending Towson University, located about half an hour away from Baltimore. I was scared and nervous, but mostly optimistic about my college career. After all, I was told constantly that I was about to have the “best four years of my life.” But of course, that wasn’t the case for me.
I was an undecided major as a freshman, and I was taking a lot of general studies classes that I despised. I struggled with math and had to take developmental classes due to my exceptionally low SAT scores in that area. I grew up in a bubble of liberal politics, of diversity and tolerance, right outside of Washington, D.C. But Towson was an unfamiliar mix of sorority blondes, spray tans, and a lot of Trump lovers. I felt incredibly alone despite having a few friends from my hometown — who were also feeling the same way.
During my sophomore year, my struggle deeply intensified. In that one year, I experienced some of the greatest lows I had ever gone through. My first heartbreak and a sexual assault had changed me from a bubbly and hopeful person to an isolated and deeply troubled 22-year-old. Despite reaching out for help, the environment of my school was not comforting to me. And despite my wonderful friends who consoled me whenever they could, I still felt so, so alone.
I spent more weekends than not heading back home trying to run from my college life. I truly hated it. I hated walking into the library and having people silently judge me. I hated the cliques who made me feel like I was in middle school again. I hated dorm room living and taking classes that I wasn’t even remotely interested in. I hated my brain, that told me I was in danger every second of the day. My anxiety was skyrocketing so intensely, that I felt unsafe and vulnerable everywhere I went.
Before my junior year, I tried transferring to my dream school in Philadelphia, but despite the scholarship I received, I couldn’t afford to leave. And that’s when it finally hit me: running away wouldn’t help anything. I had to keep going. I had to keep trying, for the sake of wanting to live and wanting to finally be happy after so many years of being miserable. So for the first time in a long time, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I finally started to take responsibility for myself, for my mistakes, and for my failures.
Say hello to 22-year-old me. I was finally a senior and finally starting to find happiness. So, how’d I do it?
1. I got out of bed.
I realized that sleeping till noon, missing classes and barely eating was not going to get me any closer to being happier. So I had to force myself to leave my room and to go out and try to be a human being again. And let’s be honest, trying to make friends in your twenties is a lot harder than being a 5-year-old kid in kindergarten, but luckily, with the help of teachers, and amazing friends, I began to see the light on the other side.
2. I let go of expectations.
I let go of everything that I used to think college would be, and how happy I thought I would be in it. I let go of my need to get straight A’s, of my need to find my soul mate, and of my need to be prettier and more loved than everyone else. I let myself just be unapologetically me. I stopped trying so hard in my looks, and instead, let myself be authentic and honest. In doing so, I ended up with lifelong friends I wouldn’t have met otherwise.
3. I dived into making my college a better place and environment for others.
I volunteered. I rallied with sexual assault survivors. I met friends from new walks of life. I went out of my comfort zone, to reach my full potential and I’m so happy I finally found that courage inside of me. While initially, it was uncomfortable walking into a room full of people I didn’t know, and cheering alongside strangers who had been through the same trauma as myself, it also made me feel whole. Contributing to the world, whether it be cleaning the environment or tutoring students in need, is a humbling experience that will remind you to not take life for granted.
4. I went to therapy.
Therapy had always used to make me roll my eyes and scoff about how it didn’t help anything, but when I was in my darkest moments, I knew I had to at least try. And you know what? It wasn’t a miracle worker. Nothing is! But talking to someone who has no bias about you or any other factors in your life really does put your life and your problems into perspective. And whenever I stepped out of my therapist’s office, a huge weight was always lifted from my shoulders.  
5. I let go of people who brought me down.
I realized that constantly spending my time with negative people, and being around my so-called friends who tried to tear me down instead of lifting me up were destroying my self-esteem.  I lost one friend who I used to think would be my future bridesmaid. I lost another friend who told me she didn’t believe I was sexually assaulted. I lost another, who tried to sabotage other real friendships that I had. This part wasn’t fun. It wasn’t fun for any of us, but it needed to be done in order for my heart to heal.
*****
Believe me when I say that none of this was easy. But I’m so happy I learned how to be happy. I’m so proud of myself for learning how to fall and thrive at the same time. College is really hard, and it’s a tough transition right out of high school. But please know that it does get better. And that one day you’re going to meet your future bridesmaids, and lifelong best friends. You are not alone, and you will eventually meet your tribe of awesome people.
Step outside of your comfort zone. Talk to the girl who sits next to you in your Sociology class. Have an open heart and an open mind. And never, ever forget your worth.
Lauren Jarvis-Gibson is a writer and poet based in the Washington metropolitan area. Since 2015, her work has been published on Thought Catalog, Huff Post, Allure and YourTango. When she’s not writing, Lauren enjoys defending Taylor Swift whenever she can and serving wine in her hometown of Takoma Park. Her poetry book, Paper Hearts, is available on Amazon here. 
Image via Unsplash
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Source: https://thefinancialdiet.com/how-i-finally-became-happy-my-senior-year-of-college-after-years-of-hating-it/
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stlfaceless · 6 years
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everything is bad and that’s ok
So...this will be a vastly different entry than my last.
It’s been maybe three weeks now since Lee and I broke up. I have so many complicated emotions about it I’m not sure how much I even want to admit to myself in this entry. It’s just so fucking hard to be in a relationship where you have stronger feelings than the other person. I always told myself he just couldn’t express himself that well emotionally, and while that’s partially true, the reining factor is he took my love for granted and walled off his feelings to in order to keep more power over the relationship. I can’t believe he actually admitted to me how badly he’s screwed up by never actively listening to me. Never being fully there for me because he has no idea how to be an empathetic person. 
I also can’t believe he’s finally seeing a therapist after begging him to six months ago - fuck that actually - longer than that. Probably for a year I’ve suggested he see a real therapist, but no he talked to someone online for a month and called it a day. It improved nothing and we broke up months later, got back together, and now months later again HERE WE ARE. I’m just so incredibly hurt. I don’t understand how someone can just not love anyone. He doesn’t even say “I love you” to his own mom. And now that we’re a part he’s sending me all these super emotional texts saying how much pain he’s in but he still can’t say he loves me. 
I told him I wanted to talk in a week or two last night when I was missing him a lot. Weekends are always the hardest for me. I just want to do nothing with him. I was happier on the couch or in bed with him than going out with friends. I’m terrified of never finding someone like him again. I always felt like he was out of my league, and too good for me from the beginning. I think he knew that too. 
Which is why I was his doormat for three years and just let him get away with not giving me the affection I deserved. 
But I know he cares very deeply for me, but to what extent I don’t think he’s even sure of. And I can’t wait around for him to fucking figure it out. 
It’s making me angry and insecure, and I don’t need another relationship like that weather it’s coming from my partner or myself. I felt like it was because I wasn’t good enough that he didn’t love me, like if I was smarter, or had a career he would have looked at me differently. But it’s so messed up that I even entertained that. 
I think a lot of the reasons I liked him were superficial too, honestly. I liked that he had a good job, and could afford to do whatever he wanted, and especially because he opened so many new experiences I feel like I need him to be interesting. I don’t know if I even like who I am because I barely know who that is anymore. I’ve adapted so many things from Lee, I feel like I don’t have my own genuine personality. In some ways we’re just a lot alike, but in other ways I feel like he really shaped my personality now. 
I was barely 22 when I met Lee. We matched on tinder when I was 21, right before summertime. Now I’m almost 25 and I feel lost. I’ve been on break from school, I don’t know what I want to go back for, I haven’t picked up any of my hobbies in forever. I just want to be secure, and proud of who I am. It’s hard to even be attempting to be on tinder right now because I’m embarrassed when I tell people I’m a quarter of a century old and still work at a pizza restaurant. Especially Cecil Whittakers. I feel like a loser.
Thankfully I’m in counseling and I think this will be really great for me. I really like the person I’ve been seeing, Jessica. I still haven’t had a session where I haven’t broken down in tears but honestly I really need it. I haven’t been crying over Lee in my alone time as much as the last time we broke up. It hurts like hell, but I think since it was my idea this time, it’s almost like a little piece of  subconscious solace. 
I just want a partial Japanese man with tattoos and a nice body to come swoop me off my feet. Too bad I matched with one yesterday but SO DID ELLE. And to make matters just so much better he then sent both of us the exact same message at the same time. Neither of us are responding. He’s only traveling through town anyhow, I’m sure hooking up with whoever he can along the way. Too bad though because he was GORGEOUS UGH. 
Also I think Lee’s old roommate, Tim, was hitting on me while he was in town this week. I could be super wrong, but it really felt like flirting. Who knows though, I’m a serial monogamous soooo. Anyhow he hit me up to hang out when he was in town which I thought was just a little weird, he’s really nice though so maybe he does just consider me a good friend. I just never thought he gave two shits about me, especially after Lee and I broke up. But he wanted to hang so I hung out with him on Tuesday with a lot of people, thankfully Lee was out of town for business. Then we hung out again two days later just the two of us because Christin fell asleep. But he was strangely close to me at the bar the whole time. I’m not really sure if that’s just me being paranoid or not. I was also so disengaging that night maybe he was just trying to cheer me up or something. Although I don’t see how him having his knee touching my leg and sitting next to me all night as him trying to cheer me up. 
It sucks because I would totally date Tim, and I think we’d have an amazing relationship. But that would neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever happen. 
Anyways Elle is home now and I’m gonna go pay attention to her
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mightbedamian · 7 years
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#TMIishTuesday #55 - Have you always been that thin? - Growing up thin (and small)
Hey! No announcements today. Just have fun reading! Oh, maybe one thing: I stole the first part of the title from a video. More on that later. Hey there mighty people of the internet! And welcome to issue #55 of #TMIishTuesday - my weekly Tumblr post about what goes through my weird mind and on what you guys want to know more about. It can be something very personal, it can be something political, it can be completely pointless - but in 99.9 % of the cases, it involves opinions. And mine as well. // Last week I told you about the shitty situation that YouTube have created with their restricted mode: Why it has good intentions - and what goes wrong with it. Check it out, if you haven't already. And if you are interested in the topic, here's a great video by @ashhardell. // I talked about body image and what society makes us believe in that regard in a #TMIishTuesday last November and briefly addressed my own situation: Being really thin - and rather small as a child. I'm not too small anymore, but I still am really underweight. Inspired by the DASDING video linked in the foreword, I want to talk a bit about how I experienced the whole situation. What happened at school and basically everywhere I went as a child. I feel that the things I experienced were not as bad as the ones mentioned in the video. Still: It hurt when people questioned the same things every time. The first time I met new people (I should say guys cause girls didn't care for the most part), it always went a little bit like this: "Hi, my name is Damian." - "Oh, [insert comment about my stature]". I don't remember kindergarten too much, so I assume the other kids were fine with my stature then - or at least it didn't bother them enough to make fun of it. But when I got to primary school, things started. Slowly, but steadily. I knew some of the kids from kindergarten still, but there were lots of new people as well. And they started asking me how I could be so thin? Questions like: "How do you even survive then?" started. And I forgive them: When you're 6, 7 years old, you're just curious. And you're straightforward enough to ask such questions. I was the smallest child in the entire class - even if I was a year older. And height was all that mattered to define who was cool and who was not. Still, I made it through primary school with only one situation that really stuck to my mind. But compared to what was to follow, it really wasn't that dramatic. And if I recall correctly, it wasn't even about my stature, but rather about wearing the "right" underwear. Yepp, children can be very picky. Then came secondary school - and the drama really started. I knew about three people of my class and everyone else were new faces. 27 potential new bullies. And pretty much all of the guys came for me. They picked on me for being small. They picked on me for being thin. They told me I was anorexic (which I never was, luckily!). They told me my parents didn't care for me. They tried to convince me to stop living vegetarian (cause that's where being so thin came from according to them). They tried to make me do more sports. I had a few hard years to go through, being call names for being so thin. The guys wanting to touch my belly cause it was so skinny. Being lifted off the floor. And so on and so on. (I started writing this pretty late, so this is all for the list, but it could get much longer for sure!) Well, guess what? I only grew stronger from that. Not physically, but mentally. And I learned how to take the underlying ridicule: Just ignore it. And if it gets too much, tell them off and show your teeth! It worked. In tenth grade we had a class trip to Berlin. We only were only 11 guys in class, so we walked around Berlin in that group of 11 (for once it was one group, not the seven or eight "cool guys", the two outsiders, and me). And we decided we wanted to have dinner at the Mac. Like you do when you’re 16. And on the way, everyone was trying to convince me to stop being vegetarian and finally taste a burger. But I insisted I wasn't going to do it. They even told me they would pay for it. After a 10-15 minute discussion my patience was gone - and I told them in a very decisive tone that it was not gonna happen. I would not taste a burger - even if they tried to convince me for another 100 years. And guess what? It didn't happen. I had my fries and was fine. They all got their burgers and were also fine. There were some attempts to still make me try a bite, but I sticked to my opinion. After tenth grade, as puberty was taking a turn for the more reasonable and more accepting, we got a new class and things got better. I still was the skinniest guy of them all. But at least we had another guy in class, who was skinny as well. Granted, he wasn't the most accepted, but it worked for him. And it kinda worked for me as well. From then onwards, my stature didn't matter anymore at all! I’ve met a lot of new people in the meantime. Uni, another uni, work, school, another work. Life's fine. I'm still a veggie, I still have the BMI of a feather, and I still don't care too much what people say about my body. Yeeey! Btw, my two best friends became veggie, too. Independent of each other. I feel I should take credit for that - even though I never tell people how to live their lives. If you want to eat meat - fine. If you want to color your hair (who would do that right? Haha :) ) - do it! If you finally got the guts to get an appointment at the therapist to get that testosterone subscription - go, boy! Whatever you do - do it with passion! Be who you are and be proud of it. Or to quote Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong: "Don't let these bastards dictate your life and try to tell you what to do, alright!?" (quote from the performance of the song Minority at a Milton Keynes concert in June 2005) Before I go let me know whether you are satisfied with your stature and what people tell you about it. Tell me, I wanna know! Place a comment, tweet me, dm me, or do anything else you can think of to get to me. Queer Shoutout you say? How about Sam Collins then? I know, I listed pretty much all of the LGBTQ+ creators I'm subscribed to on YouTube just last week, but let me shout him out individually cause he deserves it. I discovered Sam by someone retweeting his "I'm FTM transgender" video. It's basically his coming out video. He also explains how he found out that he is a guy, although he was born as a girl. He talks about how he lived before and after he found out. After the video, he kinda changed his channel and incorporated videos on trans issues. And they are actually that good that I think, they deserve more attention. Whether you yourself are transgender or not - watching them will definitely educate you. He covered topics like top surgery, transitioning and passing tips, signs you might be transgender, dating tips, and much more. And I feel he's very open about everything. Oh, and there are lots of topics not related to trans stuff, too. Go, check him out! As always: Next #TMIishTuesday next Tuesday. If you have any questions in the meantime, just ask away. Whatever you’re curious about - I don’t bite. :) Until then: Stay mighty! Linkage: - DASDING: Ja, wir sind dünn - Komm bitte damit klar!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpaWYLSrjs8 - #TMIishTuesday #53 - I dyed my hair:  http://mightbedamian.tumblr.com/post/158402870513/tmiishtuesday-53-i-dyed-my-hair - Queer Shoutout: Sam Collins: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCySTKqYThqBbKdEtzOjFhgg - Sam Collins - I’m FtM Transgender: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O68dTOfdeVw
Oh, and here’s some self-promo: - Last #TMIishTuesday: http://mightbedamian.tumblr.com/post/158675683464/tmiishtuesday-54-youtube-stop-censoring-us - All #TMIishTuesdays: mightbedamian.tumblr.com/tagged/tmi - More #TMIishTuesdays on society topics: http://mightbedamian.tumblr.com/tagged/language - More very cool stuff: www.twitter.com/mightbedamian - Even more very cool stuff: mightbedamian.tumblr.com
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Perspective
PERCEPTION
 AKA - seeing the man behind the curtain and still thinking he’s a wizard.
 Sometimes growing up makes you realize a lot of things you took for granted when you were younger. Your parents aren’t always right about everything, food doesn’t just magically appear in your fridge, or the Santa at the mall isn’t the real Santa (spoilers, I know). But then there are other things that you just have to learn as you go, like car insurance sucks, health insurance (I’m American) REALLY sucks, and buying property doesn’t always mean cheaper month to month bills. You have to do your dishes. You have to scrub out the tub and toilet. You are the one who has to vacuum, sweep, mop and take out the trash all the time. There isn’t anyone there to catch you if you fall. You need to make your own doctors appointments. You need a job, that you may or may not like. It’s all part of growing up and it’s all what shapes us into the people we are.
 Growing up, your parents/guardians instill in you values and beliefs that you just assume are universal truths. “Everyone eats dinner at 6pm” “Thursdays are always burger nights” “Clear your plate when you’re done eating.” (Forgive me, I’m a chef by trade, so food is my metaphor or choice). It isn’t until you get away from them and live for a bit that you see how the rest of the world lives. Not even class differences, but much smaller than that – going to a friends house and seeing what they eat for dinner, how they arrange the furniture in their living room or even which parent does which tasks. IT’s one of those eye-opening experiences that makes tou think about the way things are and how they potentially could be – it makes you ask, “Why?”
 And that’s when conflict starts. “But why do I have to make my bed every morning?” “But why do I have to do the dishes before I go to bed EVERY NIGHT? They’ll still be there in the morning.” “Why can’t we eat dinner at 8pm instead of 6 so we can go see this movie?” I remember asking my parents why we didn’t go out to eat more. We were relatively well off family, everyone was always home at a decent hour and I wasn’t asking for a Michelin dinner – just Portillo’s or something easy. I always got dirty looks from my parents and they asked, “Well, are you going to pay for it?” I was nine years old. I was more interested in collecting Pokemon cards (the original 150) than collecting dollars and coins. It became a sticking point for me, so much so that I would stay at a friends house, at least 3 nights a week, for dinner because we would go out somewhere. My friends parents had no issue getting all of us some cheeseburgers from McDonalds or Hot Dogs from the place around the corner. It saved them time, made everyone happy and was inexpensive. The nights I would come home for dinner were always spent sulking because I didn’t want to eat the Shake and Bake nonsense my Mom would make, or the gray steak Dad would make (our broiler was not very good). So I went on trying to avoid coming home for dinner. Avoid the problem and it would just go away, right?
 Fast forward 6 years. I’m 15, in high school, just got my braces off and I have my first boyfriend. Coming out in high school was not something I was ready to do. I had told a few of my close friends and that was good enough for me, but “flaunting” it was not something I was prepared to do.
 **Sidebar: I, as most young, scared gay kids, covered by fear with active homophobia. I never hurt anyone (to my knowledge) but I used to think of it as a bad thing. I’ve since grown up, but we’ll get to that.**
 I had my boyfriend and we were together outside of school whenever possible. He lived by school, so I would always say I had to stay for an extra rehearsal or something and just go to his house. Both of his parents worked late, so we would usually have the house to ourselves for a few hours. Things got pretty serious pretty fast. Six months in (remember we’re 15) we decided to tell our families. Well, he told his family, and I chickened out. I remember calling him from the laundry room in my parents basement, crying. I told him I wasn’t strong enough, or good enough for him and we needed to break it off. It wasn’t fair for him to be with someone who couldn’t bring himself to admit the relationship to his family. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I broke up with him. At the time, this was the best course of action I could think of. Avoiding the problem, once again.
 Jump ahead another six years. I’m 21, living “on my own” with roommates on our college campus in an apartment my Dad is paying for. So adult. I’m doing small catering gigs out of our apartment to pay my rent and casually seeing someone. I’m pulling Cs in my classes (I used to be an A student) and I’ve gained about 80 pounds since coming to college. It comes time for winter finals, and I end up sleeping through my last one. I’m already doing poorly in the class, but theres no way I can make it up. I end up failing the class and I get put on academic probation. This is very new for me. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t avoid my parents finding out – the university mailed a letter home. I took the next semester off to “figure everything out.” I went to see a therapist. He told me I have “performance anxiety.” That didn’t register with me. How could I have performance anxiety? I have been performing on stages since I was 7. His evaluation told me that the performances I was used to – being in large groups and not really singled out – didn’t affect me or my life like the ones I was currently doing. Tests in classes that I knew I needed for my degree. Coming to terms with people – one on one – in relationships that could lead to something more fulfilling, more real, than just hanging out and having sex here and there. These were the things that were giving me anxiety, that I were afraid of.
 So I dropped out of college. It was definitely a mutual decision. I went to talk to my advisor and dean, and we came to the decision that me retaking courses and pulling my grades up wouldn’t be enough, and I’d end up somewhere mediocre when I graduated. I didn’t want that, and honestly I wasn’t happy in the career I chose. I thought the material was interesting and exciting, but the day to day drudgery was eating at me soul. I wasn’t happy.
 I moved home, mustered up some courage, and enrolled myself in a culinary school…without telling my parents. They weren’t very happy with me. We had a few fights, one lasting about a month where my Dad didn’t really speak to me, and one big one at the end. The final one happened all over the house, us following each other screaming and crying, and ended up with me making the biggest admittance I’ve ever made to anyone in my life – “I just want you guys to be proud of me” was what I told my parents through tears.  It was one of those “a-ha” moments that only came about because I had nothing left in me – nowhere else to hide.
 Over the last six years, I have gone to culinary school, graduated and worked countless jobs around the city networking with chefs and people I never imagined I would ever meet, moved out on my own (for real this time, mortgage and all), bought my own car, and have had the same job for almost two years now. I’ve dropped the 80 pounds I’ve gained from college and try to eat healthy whemever I can. Ironically, it’s taking me quitting the job I’ve worked the past two yeasrs for me to have this “a-ha” moment.
 I have been a chef for the last three years at two places. The first was a grocery store and butcher and the second was a restaurant. Both have taught me more in three years than my seven collective years of college ever did. And the latter job has taught me to question everything again. I’ve been asking “why?” again – and not accepting “that’s just how it is” as a legitimate answer. I love the restaurant industry. Looking at it from afar and seeing how many people it gives jobs to, how much the industry as a whole does for every single person every single day, and seeing the individuals who come in, bust their asses for a minimum wage paycheck, and are satisfied with a pat on the back and a “good job, see you tomorrow” really make me take pause. The great things people can do when they accept each other, put aside their differences and come together is great, but also seeing the hard work, dedication and sometimes overworking it takes to just get the doors open really makes me proud to do what I do. I’ve seen life from a lot of different viewpoints over the last 27 years, and I feel like I’ve seen the man behind the curtain. I know pain for losing someone you love and I know the joy of seeing new life come to be. I know how to start a business and I’ve seen businesses I’ve run nosedive when I leave. I’ve seen people flourish in jobs we’ve given them after a tough life on the streets or even jail time. I’ve seen rich, worry-free grown men who think they’re shit doesn’t stick humbled to the point that I have to teach them how to clean lettuce properly so the customers and their restaurants don’t end up chewing on sand.
 It’s important to keep perspective and know where you’ve been. Some people say that you should never look back because it distracts you from looking forward, but I disagree with that. Looking back gives you the knowledge you need to be able to move forward and be greater than the sum of your parts.
 I am a man. I am gay. I am white. I am loving. I am generous. And I am Human.
 We can all fight about politics, race, gender, inequality, pay, or even how to fold a bedsheet. When it all boils down, we’re all human, and we need to work together to be great. As one of my best friends and mentors put it, “Everyone just needs to do their fucking job. Stop fighting and complaining, just do your job.” Our jobs are to be greater than the individual. Let’s do it.
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