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amphetameme-queen-blog · 5 years

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If you slip up...

Here’s my master list of how to take care of yourself after a b/p, stay strong my lovelies!

1. Physical Damage Control

Teeth -

It's usually a warning sign to have bad teeth as someone less than seventy years old. It's a 'classic' symptom of bulimia and I've heard a lot of (rookies) swear by brushing their teeth. DON'T FUCKIN DO IT MAN. I used to b/p anywhere between three to ten times a day at my worst, but I always kept a handy supply of TUMS or antacids on me. Your teeth become weakened when you b/p in the first place, so the abrasiveness of toothbrush bristles tends to wear down on your enamel. I never brushed my teeth after I would purge, and I've been b/p'ing on and off for about four years now. Like I said - ten times a day at the worst. I went to the dentist last month and they said that my teeth were like, perfect. It was actually shocking. Thank god for chemistry I suppose.

So how does it work? Well, the calcium carbonate (the main ingredient of TUMS) neutralizes the hydrochloric acid (stomach acid) on our teeth like it would in our stomach. It's basically a high school chemistry equation.

CaCO3+ HCl -> CaCl2 + CO2 + H2O.

The symptoms you'll get (after an antacid) is basically just burping up the CO2 lol. It's much more preferable to tooth decay, might I say. OH and if you don't have any antacids on you, baking soda works in the same way. Just put a teaspoon of baking soda into water, swish it around your mouth, and spit it out. It doesn't taste great, but you could probably mix it with a little alcohol-free toothpaste so it tastes more minty. I highly recommend against swallowing baking soda because it will most likely irritate your stomach and make you even more nauseous, and not in an emetic way. (Ana butterflies don't get any stupid ideas it's not gonna work like you think). Swallowing baking soda just makes you kind of uncomfortable, really.

Y'all need to floss too. I sound like I've got a major stick up my ass, because who actually flosses flossing is for old people and l0zers fuck that shit. Nope. Flossing once before you go to bed helps your teeth against yellowing, in my experience. I wouldn’t recommend flossing post-purge as your gums tend to be much more sensitive. ‘Cuz who’s trynna get gingivitis yeah no one.

Sinuses -

Remember that time you (regrettably) b/p’d on rice? And you felt that rice grain up there and took a napkin and blew fuckin snot rice into your napkin, like the sexy beast you are?

Yeah I remember that too.

It’s pretty apparent that stomach acid anywhere besides your stomach is a recipe for havoc. The stomach acid eats away at the mucous membranes in your nose, leading to constant sniffling, loss of smell, and chronic sinus infections. Even if you don't feel irritation in your nose immediately following a b/p, the acid can still lead to damage.

So how do you remedy this?

From my experience, the Neti-Pot saline rinse is the best bet. You can use the one that looks like a tea kettle or the one that's a squeezy bottle - both do the same thing. I have the squeezy bottle and it's really simple to use. You add water up to the fill line

And then you pour the saline packet into the bottle and mix thoroughly (just shake the bottle). Be sure to use FILTERED DRINKING WATER because tap water often contains heavy metals like copper or iron, which isn't good for your nose. Then put the plastic bottle with the saline-water solution into the microwave for approximately 35 seconds, and be careful to make sure it isn't too hot. Make sure it's just slightly warm and then screw the cap on tightly. Lean over a sink and gently squeeze the bottle into one nostril until the water comes out the other. Don't worry, it doesn't provoke the dreaded “oh god there's water in my nose I feel like I'm drowning” feeling. Your sinuses are connected and because the water is warm (like body temperature) it won't come as a shock to your body. Repeat the process on both nostrils until the bottle is done.

I've had actual chunks of food come out of my nose before, and I'm like, “shit, that would have just been hangin out in my nose the entire time?” So it's really important for preventing sinus infections or acid damage to the nasal cavity.

Electrolyte Imbalances -

If I had a dollar for the amount of times I've seen THAT PICTURE of the dead bulimic girl I would be richer than Donald Trump. Yeah, she died from gastric rupture blah blah blah but I always see blogs referencing that picture with the danger of heart failure and death in bulimics.

Despite how frequently I used to purge, I'm not dead yet! Hurray I guess! I used to get serious heart palpitations after a long day of purging, but I could mitigate some of those side effects with proper hydration and electrolyte drinks.

I ain't talkin no purple Gatorade shit either. Gatorade isn't as hydrating as one would think. It's made for athletes who are working out and sweating, and releasing salt through their skin. Gatorade replenishes the sodium and sugar, but if you're not working out/sweating a lot, the extra sodium could cause water retention *panics* The best option for electrolyte-replenishing is coconut water, in my opinion. It's naturally high in potassium, which is the principle electrolyte lost by vomiting. Pedialyte takes a close second for hydration because it's designed to replenish electrolytes, like if you have the flu or something. You can buy Pedialyte over the counter at most (American) pharmacies.

Electrolytes are important in muscle contraction, which includes the heart. This is why many bulimics die from heart attacks

Of course, the best way to get potassium is through potassium-rich foods. Some examples:

Avocado

Acorn squash

Spinach

Sweet potato

Wild-caught salmon

Dried apricots

Pomegranate

Coconut water

White beans

Banana

Source: Dr. Axe

Y'all also gotta be mindful of your magnesium too. Magnesium is lost (most notably) through diarrhea and thus laxative abuse. Here's how to remember the electrolytes:

Potassium is lost through Purging and Magnesium is lost by taking Mega Shits.

I'm laughing bahahah but I shouldn't be because the magnesium thing is no joke.

2. Psychological Damage Control

The Post Purge Freakout-

Quit playin. You know what I’m talkin’ about, that anxiety like fuck fuck fuck what did I just do I’m a worthless human I deserve to-

Stop.

These thoughts seem real, like ground-breaking realizations that affirm your worthlessness and desire to continue hurting yourself with ED behaviors. Diffusing these thoughts feels like the hardest thing to do in the moment, of course, but self-care is one of the most important factors in preventing another episode. I’m not trying to be some over-simplifying, self-righteous therapist who thinks that mindfulness is the only way out ‘it’s all about positive self talk, honey!’ Nah fam, anyone who’s dealt with the vicious cycle of bulimia knows it’s not that fuckin’ easy, and so I’m not trying to sugarcoat the fact that post-b/p self-care can be really goddamn difficult.

The best post-b/p self care I’ve implemented is putting on cozy pajamas (if you’re at home) and just taking a five minute break from what you’re doing to listen to music, draw/write, or go on a short walk. Let yourself feel comfy and secure, like being wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket. Give yourself just five minutes to collect your feelings, and realize that a past slip-up can’t determine the future. Because that’s all it is - in the past. What’s in the past is done, and no amount of hateful self talk or self-injury will change that. But what you do in the present is what matters. Think about it as a fork in the road -

“Okay, so I just binged and purged, I have urges to hurt myself or compensate for what I just did, but what will happen if I don’t do either of those things?”

Nothing.

You might panic. You might cry. Let the tears come, if you are in a safe place where you feel you can do so. We know that the day might have sucked, but time stops for no one. The next thing you know, it’s the next morning. The sun is shining through your window, you are alive and your body is resilient. BOI IT’S A NEW FUCKIN DAY! YESTERDAY WAS A CAN OF SHIT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, TODAY DOESN’T HAVE TO BE. The important thing is that you lived through those horrible feelings, and you’ll remember that. You’re stronger, more resilient, and persistent than you think. You don’t even have to be in recovery to apply this. That’s not what I’m getting at. If you’re pursuing a goal, whether it be eating at regular intervals or meeting a certain calorie limit, there are going to be times you might mess up. And good god, it is absolutely okay.

Imagine yourself going to bed the next night, realizing that you had your first binge free, purge free day since you could remember. Knowing that you fought your urge to b/p will help you remember that next time, “hey, I’m stronger than my urges.”

I guess what I’m emphasizing here is self-forgiveness. I know a lot of people’s ED’s are driven by self-hatred and you’re all such beautiful human beings who deserve to love yourself as others love you. Wow. That got really deep real fast. But hey, I’ve been through it all.

Yo. I'm gonna add more to this, but only if people are interested in my ED-related writing. I'm actually working on a blog right now but I figured I might as well post some stuff here for feedback. PLEASE comment I would love to hear from you guys. 'Do I write like a sappy self-help book'? 'Is it relatable and/or helpful?' Let me know in a comment or DM what you're feelin about it. Sending hugs!

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ellana-ravenwood · 7 years

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The day they almost lost you - Batfam x Batsis (reader)

This is the PERFECT exemple of a request I received only a few days ago and will write before others I have received months ago purely because it inspires me a lot <3. Sorry if you send a requests like, six months ago and I still haven’t written it...Again, I really work on things that inspires me the most so it totally depends on the day and mood...Like for example right now, I miss my little 3 years old nephew and I could definitely write a story with a toddler in it ! So here we go, hope you guys will like it :

You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

__________________________________________________

-Remember that time you lost me in the biggest mall in Gotham ?

-Oh my God (Y/N), how many times are you gonna remind that to us ?! Besides, you weren’t even two, you don’t actually remember it yourself...

You smile as you look at your older brother, Damian, mumbling something else you didn’t understand but that looked a lot like “and we found you anyway so...”, and shake your head.

You had heard that story a billion times, and you never really got tired of it.

Your brothers were suppose to keep an eye on you while your father was busy, and they had lost you in one of the busiest place in the entire city...Oh yes, how could you be tired of that ?

Whenever your four older brothers would annoy you, or be overprotective (which, not very surprisingly, happened a lot), like right now, as they were bitching about your boyfriend, Conner (Superman’s clone, and also your brother Tim’s best friend...needless to say, when your family heard you were dating him, they were a bit taken aback, arguing he was too old for you but...technically, you were actually a bit older than him, as when he was “born”, you were already four months old, and besides, you did whatever the Hell you wanted anyway), you would re-tell them the story as you heard it so many times (from Alfred mainly), and they’d instantly leave you alone, still feeling guilty about the all ordeal.

Sometimes though, you felt that maybe, it was that episode that made them so damn overprotective of you...Damian was right, you weren’t even two years old when everything happened, and you didn’t remember a thing but, even so, you still knew it was a big deal.

Because that day...Well, that day, you almost died.

************

Years earlier, the day of your birth :

Bruce Wayne’s life was already quite complicated.

Four boys (three of them being in their teenaged years, a goddamn nightmare), his Batman activities, Wayne Inc and...Selina Kyle.

Oh Selina Kyle.

She never made his life easier, even though he’ve almost always been in love with her...Whenever she was around, he could be sure that he would be in for quite a ride. And he loved it.

But nothing, NOTHING, prepared him for something THAT complicated.

Nothing could have prepared him for the hurricane that was about to hit his life...You. Or rather, a very pregnant Selina bursting into Wayne Manor, screaming that she was about to give birth to his daughter.

It wasn’t really unusual, that Bruce wouldn’t see the Catwoman for months. Once, they even didn’t see each other for over five years...So when she disappeared about nine months ago, he didn’t really pay much attention to it, expecting her to come back one day and turn his life upside down again...And oh he was right.

And this is the night everything began, this is the night everything became VERY complicated. The night Selina Kyle bursted into Wayne Manor, about to give birth to a baby, stating that it was Bruce’s (and though it would have had torn his heart away that you weren’t his, he still got a paternity test to make sure and...There were 99.99% chances that you were his daughter).

She left you there, saying that she “thought she could do it, but actually just couldn’t...”, even though she didn’t actually try and...Well, the Wayne family gained a new child. A little girl that was born without a single cry, her eyes already trying to open and see everything, already too damn curious...

And though his life became ten times more complicated, Bruce Wayne wouldn’t have it any other way. This time, he was extremely happy that Selina Kyle came in to complicate the hell out of his life, because this time, she brought you...

(Y/N) Wayne. His precious little girl.

And oh you were such a sweet baby, that it didn’t took long for the entire family to adore you beyond all measure (your father can never stop smiling when he recalls the times Damian would hold you in his arm, and refuse to give you to ANYONE because he was too afraid they’d hurt you in anyway...it wasn’t that funny though, when he ran after him in the entire Manor, because Damian refused to give you to him so he could give you a bath and put you to bed, arguing that you didn’t like water and that it would make you cry...He wasn’t wrong though, as a baby, you absolutely hated to take your bath, crying your lungs out whenever your dad would softly and delicately lay you in the water, and Damian just couldn’t handle your cries...Damn that boy).

When you reached about four years old, your mother came back in your life, this time to stay but...That was another story. For now, you were recalling that time your brothers lost you in a mall, and you almost died.

************

Four months before your second birthday :

It was going to be easy peasy. After all, you were such a nice and well behaved child, that...Really, what could happen ?

You were the sweetest kid they ever met, and they weren’t saying that just because you were their adorable precious little sister, oh no, you were actually exceptionally cute and calm...You had just one big flaw.

Already at that age, you were just too damn curious. And that day, as they thought everything would be a piece of cake, your curiosity was going to be the cause of a lot of troubles...

But for now, you were in Dick’s arms, in Wayne Manor’s lobby, giggling as he was throwing you into the air and catching you last minute.

-Dick, stop that please. You know I ha...OH MY GOD DON’T DROP HER ! ...Uh. Every time.

Dick’s (and the rest of your brothers’ really) laugh answers your dad’s worried comment. Yes. The eldest of the Wayne boys knew damn well how his father hated when he threw you into the air like that. Which is exactly why he did it.

Besides, you absolutely loved it ! And when you’d run to him (still a bit unsure in your footing as you were pretty new to this all walking thing) and point at the ceiling, with a huge smile plastered on your face...how could he resist you ?

You make a little displeased noise as your dad gets you back from your brother’s arms (why did the flying stopped ?!), but as soon as you realize you’re in your dada’s arms ? Oh everything is fine again, and you burst out in laughter for seemingly no reasons, grabbing his clean shaved face in your tiny hands.

Bruce feels like he’s melting as you caress his cheeks thoughtfully and say, pretty sure of yourself : “dada”. He turns towards his sons and...He can’t do it. He can’t leave you in their care. He knows it’s stupid, they already took care of you but...never for a full day !

He suddenly regrets giving Alfred this full day off while he had that many meetings. And he can’t do it. He just can’t leave you...It’s the first time his boys will have such a responsibility (well, you know, if we ignore the fact that they saved the World a bunch of times and all).

-Ok I’m not sure this is a good idea, maybe I can just bring her with me and...

-Dad, you know you can’t. Just relax, she’ll be fine with us ! We’ll take her to the park and we’ll have fun. Right (Y/N) ?

You turn your head as you hear your name, and smile at the one who spoke, Jason (or “Heyson” like you called him), one of the person you love the most in the World and though you didn’t even hear what he said, you just move your little body excitedly. They all take that as a “yes, let’s go to the park and have fun”, while really, you were just happy to see your brother (even though you saw him but fifteen seconds before).

-See, she agrees. Come on dad, let her go a little bit, it’s not healthy for you to not be able to let go like that you know...

Bruce narrows his eyes at his son, and the smirk on Jason’s face is enough to know that all of them, right now, are just messing with him. But...

That damn boy has a point.

Because the life you’re doomed to live, even though he’ll try to shield you the best he can from any harm and darkness, well, the life you’re doomed to live won’t be easy. And there’s a high chance that one day, he won’t be there to help you (he was hoping with all his might that it just meant he would be busy, and not...dead, because he knew the pain of loosing a parent, and thinking about you and your brothers living through this (again for Dick, Jason and Tim...) broke his heart).

One day, he’d have to let you go, and if he couldn’t even leave you with some of the people he trusted the most, his sons...Then none of you would go anywhere. It wasn’t such a big deal really. It was just a day of taking care of you. Slowly, he took you away from his chest (you had laid your head on it, ready to fall asleep, as usually, when your dada was holding you like that it meant nap time, and, well, you could always go for a nap really ! But he was taking you away, which meant...nap later then, ok !), his arms un-tightening from around you, and he gave you to Tim, who was the closest.

Bruce could’ve sworn that you nodded in agreement, as if you were totally fine to change from your dada’s arms to your loving brother’s (and you were), and it reassured him a bit.

Yes. He could trust his boys. They would take good care of you while Alfred took a well deserved day off, and he would sort important things at Wayne inc. Yes. Yes he could trust his boys.

Besides, you were such an easy kid, really, what’s the worst that could happen ?

************

-Oh my God...Where is (Y/N) ?

It started out so well.

Your father finally left.

He looked approximatively three hundred times behind him as he was leaving the house, to check if you were still OK...Every time, his gaze was greeted by his sons rolling their eyes at him, and you, still in Tim’s arms, waving at him excitedly saying “i i Dada” which definitely meant “Bye Bye dad”, in your cute baby voice.

But he finally left. And your brothers were getting you ready so you could go out. And oh yes you were such a nice kid.

Jason put your cute little dark blue frock coat on you, and you let him do it without moving much, even raising your arms to help him, smiling to any of your brothers whenever your eyes met theirs.

You sat on the couch, calm and definitely well behaved, as Dick and Damian put your favorite shoes (a tiny pair of red Doc Marteens) on your feet, lifting your legs one by one to make their task easier, and pushing your little feet in the shoes instead of letting your brothers struggle with it for ages (putting shoes on a toddler that didn't understand he/she had to help by pushing their feet in the shoe was a nightmare... fortunately for them you understood that a little while ago. Oh and when you didn’t want to go out you would make it so difficult for anyone to put your shoes on ! Great that today you did want to go out ! You were an easy and nice kid, but oh man when you didn’t want to do something, it was rather difficult to force you without you not putting a fight...Definitely your father’s daughter).

You patted lovingly your brothers’ heads as they were putting your shoes on, and they felt like they were melting...Jason and Tim, who were looking at the scene, retained the “aaaawww” they wanted to let out (they had a tough guy reputation to maintain !), but when you turned your head to them, and smiled candidly, they couldn’t help but felt a surge of : “I have to protect that little one at all cost”...It happened a lot really, when you were around, that they’d get very suspicious of anyone they didn’t really know approaching you. Probably, your father’s paranoia about your safety (though it wasn’t really paranoia, your life would never be easy with a dad like that...) definitely infected your brothers too !

Yes. Things started pretty good. It was ten thirty in the morning when they left, with you all suited up for the mild cold outside.

They secured you in your Batman car seat (through the years, a “Batman” brand was developed, to your father’s great displeasure, and of course without his consent. And when Alfred went, one day, with you, getting a new car seat that was adapted to your size...Well according to the butler you wouldn’t keep your eyes off of the Batman one, and would cry whenever he would pick another one up, so he decided to buy it. Bruce was pretty sure that it wasn’t what happened...though whenever you saw something Batman related, you beamed and hugged it against your heart, which was quite interesting really. You were way too young to even understand the fact that your dad could be the Batman, so...yeah, it was interesting).

You spend almost two hours at the park without any remarkable incident. You fell off the slide, face first, but when your four brothers ran to check on you...you were already up and about on your feet and climbing the stairs back to go on the slide again.

You picked up a few chestnut that fell on the floor, and stuffed all of them in your brother’s pockets...They let you do it, with a small smile on their faces.

Damian gave you a piggy back ride around the park, running as fast as he could, and your laughter resonated in the entire place.

They decided to leave because it was lunch time, and also because they could spot a few damn paparazzi starting to gather around, and they’d be damn if they’d let them take any pictures of their little one !

There weren’t a lot of public pictures of you, because your dad, Alfred or your brothers would always make sure to shield you...The only pictures in papers, were usually official ones. You’d been elected “cutest baby of the year” last year, and would probably win again this year. No one could resist your cuteness, and you were a Wayne so...

************

Tim wanted burgers, Damian wanted falafels, Jason wanted pizza, and Dick had absolutely no idea what he wanted to eat, looking dumbly at his brothers as they were all arguing about what they should eat...In the end, they settled for a fast food place that made burgers, veggie burgers for Damian, pizzas, and...Oh Dick could definitely go for some hot wings !

They ordered a child menu for you, and you ate calmly your fries and chicken nugget, playing with your toy (it was a little doll...that you turned into a Godzilla like monster, apparently imagining it destriying the city).

Your brothers almost lost it when you took two fries, a big and a small one, and said : “Aman obi’ !” which meant “Batman and Robin” (they were fluent in your baby talk), and fought the Godzi-doll with it ! They fought a bit about which Robin you were talking about, and as soon as that, lunch was over.

And this is when it happened.

They were thinking about what to do next, pondering going back home for hot cocoa and a movie, or to the park again because you just loved that place. You were holding Dick and Jason’s hands when you saw it...

A balloon.

A balloon shaped like a bat, that was slowly flying around the very busy mall.

And oh you had to grab it. You took a quick look to your brothers and...They’d know where you were, they surely noticed that awesome balloon too !

Dick thought Jason was holding you, Jason thought Dick was holding you, and as they were talking together, you slipped from their grasp discreetly and went after that damn cool bat shaped balloon !

It took them about ten seconds to realize you were gone...Tim noticed first.

-Where is (Y/N) ?

Panic mode was instantly activated.

Dick looked at Jason’s hand, Jason looked at Dick’s hand and...Oh their mistake suddenly jumped in their face, and if they had time to feel guilty, they would have collapsed right there and then for having lost you !

But for now, they had to find you ! Besides, it wasn’t only their fault, Damian and Tim weren’t paying attention either. As their older brothers were talking about what to do next, the two young Wayne boys were looking at the trailer of a movie they really were waiting for, being played on one of the big mall screen, and so didn’t pay attention at you at all...they felt equally as guilty.

But for now, no time for guilt.

************

In the meanwhile, you were still chasing that cool balloon, running around people. You lost track of the balloon for a minute, because everyone was so damn big, and...where were your brothers ? You suddenly wanted to cry...Oh never mind, here was the bat balloon ! And it was going up, up and away ! It was going towards the escalator ! You had to catch it and quick !

************

Damian climbed Dick’s shoulder to get higher and try to spot you through the thick crowd (it was a Saturday in one of the busiest mall in Gotham after all) and...He did. There you were. And oh my god they had to hurry !

Somehow, you had grabbed onto an escalator’s railing...from the outside of the escalator ! And you were being dragged up by it, while no one noticed a fucking toddler...OH MY GOD YOU WERE GOING TO FALL !!

They ran as fast as they could, as they could slowly see your fingers slip from the moving railing, and hear your tiny voice scream...Why was no one doing anything ? They pushed people roughly out of their ways and...Pfiou. Someone finally noticed you.

A man. In this fifties. Who took you in his arms and disappeared at the top of the escalator ! They could see a small gathering happening up there, and they were about to rush to the elevator when...A security guard stop them.

-No running in the mall !

He was clearly one of those guys,that take his job too seriously and steal kids’ skateboard when they hang out with them around “his” mall. He stopped your two older brothers, but in the process fell over on the floor because they hit him while they were running full speed.

-How dare you you damn brat ! You just assaulted an officer ! You can...Where are you going ? STOP THEM !

They couldn’t really blame the men who tried to stop them, they probably thought they were teenagers stealing or something...but their sister was alone up there, with strangers, and God knew what was happening to her !

They couldn’t be delicate. They had to get rid of this security guard and of those people that stopped them and grabbed them thinking they were thieves...in a matter of seconds, they were out of their grasp, and a few unconscious men laid on the floor.

The security guard ran the goddamn alarm...But they couldn’t care, they jumped on the escalator’s railing and ran up, as if nothing.

You weren’t there. The stranger that got you wasn’t there. They looked around frantically, scared to death...Did they just lost their precious little one in this huge mall, or was it just a nightmare ? Oh please God, please, make it so that was just a nightmare...

But it wasn’t.

It’s Jason, who spotted the stranger that saved you from falling down of the elevator, down to your death (they didn’t realized this yet, too panicked, but later, when they’d think about how you almost fell...that height...You would have probably died...no, they couldn’t never think seriously about this, and just hug you tighter).

They ran to the stranger and Jason got a hold of him. The man, in his sixties, looked like Santa Claus, and had such nice features that...Was it possible that he hurt you ?

-Where the fuck is she ?!

Dick forced his brother to let go of the man, but, his eyes full of a cold determination, he turned toward the man and asked :

-The little girl you saved on the escalator, where is she ?

-The little...With her dad, she’s with her dad !

-Her...dad ?

-Yes ! Yes ! I swear ! Don’t hurt me ! I helped her, she giggled, damn cute kid if you ask me, and then that guy came and said he was her father !

-Her fath...Bruce Wayne ? Was it Bruce Wayne ?!

-Bruce Wayne ? No, no of course it wasn’t goddamn Bruce Wayne ! A man like that would never leave his toddler run free in the mall !

-And you just gave her to him ?!

-Well she didn’t cry when he took her hand and he seemed genuinely worried so..;why would I...I mean...She...It wasn’t her father ?

-Are you sure it wasn’t Bruce Wayne ? Maybe you didn’t recognize him !

-It definitely wasn’t Bruce Wayne ! I think I would have had recognize him instantly if it was ! I swear ! I’m sorry ! I just...I was shook because I just saved that kid, I didn’t think that...She didn’t cry when she took his hand and...

Of course you didn’t cry, you were such a well behaved kid. You probably thought that this dude was going to get you back to your brothers. You were still too young to understand the danger of strangers...

Oh. Oh. The reality of what was happening slowly downed on them.

Kidnapped. That’s what just happened.

Because if it wasn’t their father who took you (and how could it be him?), then who...Their heart dropped, as they let go of the poor man who saved your life, and turned around, looking frantically everywhere, calling for you.

At some point they got stopped by tons of security guards and they couldn’t possibly fight them all without compromising their secret identity and...You were nowhere to be seen.

They started to explain themselves...

************

Bruce Wayne’s heart felt heavy and empty. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to cry.

When he received a call from a very panicked and sobbing Dick, he instantly knew they weren’t trying to pull a cruel prank on him.

No. He knew it was serious. His business partner never saw him leave a meeting that fast. He didn’t even take time to tell them he had a family emergency, he just ran out and jumped in his car.

And now, he was feeling awful. Hell, “awful” wasn’t even covering it. He was feeling...What if he just had lost you forever ? What if you were gone, just like that ? Oh he knew he shouldn’t have had let his sons take care of you...but a voice in his mind kept telling him that those things happen. That it wasn’t his boys’ fault. That they were probably a complete mess too right now...

And yet he was still angry. He trusted them. What the hell happened ?!

But when he arrived at the police station, and he saw them...he couldn’t possibly be mad. They looked so sad and beat down. They looked...Hurt.

They just had lost their precious little sister. And betrayed their father’s trust. And he couldn’t be mad at them...Those things happen. And you were a curious kid, a second of inattention was enough, it all it took.

Damian was crying, as Dick was holding him close to himself. Jason had his hand in his hand, and Tim kept pacing in the room, unable to stand still. When they saw their father arriving, they stopped and looked at him worriedly.

It’s like they were expecting him to yell at them, to punch them, to tell them to get out...But Bruce knew better.

What good would it do to be mad at his sons ? What happened happened, it was too late to change it...and he needed them now, to find you back.

They didn’t utter a word. Everything went through their eyes. He wasn’t angry. Just scared to death. And only together would they be able to find you.

************

What if they lost you ? What if the man who kidnapped you was a serial killer ? What if he...did things to you ? What if...Bruce wasn’t sure he would be able to hold his promise to not kill anyone, if such a case would happen.

What if they lost you ?

Damian couldn’t even think about it without crying. You entered his life less than two years ago, and though at first he hated the fact that you were a “true” Wayne too...he could never really hate you. As soon as he saw you, you became a huge part of his World and...Thinking about you not being here made him cry. Like a baby.

Dick hated himself. Why didn’t he pay more attention ? Why did he let go off your hand ?! If something would happen to you, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to handle it. He just couldn’t imagine...He couldn’t imagine a life without you, your giggles down Wayne Manor, your smile that brightened up their dark Worlds and always cheered them up...If only...if only he had hold onto your hand !

Jason wasn’t in any better shape, and though his father squeezed his shoulder lovingly, signifying to him that it wasn’t his fault...he just couldn’t take out of his head that if he had tightened his grip on your hand you would still be here ! He just couldn’t...What was going to happen, if you died ? The Wayne family would forever be changed, for the worst. They would all turn into empty beings who would roam the nights of Gotham...Oh and Gotham ? If Bruce Wayne’s precious and cute as Hell little girl would be murdered ? Gotham would never be the same either. Because you were already a symbol. A symbol of hope and good news. A symbol that the city would change for the better.

Tim had a ball stuck in his throat, unable to utter a word or anything. He wanted to cry too, just like Damian, but he just couldn’t. He wanted to scream his despair, but he couldn’t. He wanted to...He just couldn’t do anything. Not without you.

Your father would rather die than going on without you. He knew it. If you disappeared from his life that night ? He would die. Maybe not literally, but inside ? There would be no more “Bruce” or “Batman”. Just an empty shell of a man, turned into a robot without feelings because of the loss of his daughter.

************

Relief.

It’s an odd sensation really. It happens all of a sudden, and you never really expect it. You worry about something for hours on end, and all of a sudden...Pop. Relief.

Your family was going crazy as the minutes went by and the police kept them inside the station for questioning ! They already said everything they knew ! They just wanted to leave and look for themselves, they’d be more efficient than the police they knew it...

An officer came in the room they were all in, and, his face locked in a cold mask, whispered something into his colleague’s ear.

What did it mean ? What ? Did they found you ? Why weren’t they talking ? What the Hell was happening ?! Were you ok ?! Or...not ?

The officer gestured for them to follow him and...They went to Jim Gordon’s office and...relief.

Relief suddenly washed over them as they heard your laugh bursting from the other side of the door.

Your father is the first one who entered, almost tearing the door out of its place because he opened it so violently.

You turned to the source of the noise and...oh !

-Dadaaaaa !

You say, running to him. He falls to his knees and catches you in his arms, tighten his grip around you, his face buried in your tiny neck.

Jim Gordon lets your father and brothers hug you, he lets them kiss you, and smile and laugh of that particular feeling that is relief.

And then he explains.

The video surveillance showed the stranger dragging you out of the mall, but when you realized you were leaving, you started screaming for your brothers, and attracted attention to you. You started to cry and kick the man and...he panicked. As more people were gathering around, he panicked and left you there.

An old lady took you, and after that brought you to the precinct of the mall’s district (which is why it took them a while before actually getting you to the main police headquarters). You apparently didn’t argue, or scream, feeling that this lady was a nice one maybe ? You already had your father’s gut feelings.

The man was identified as a sex offender on the run, who was accused of multiple account of rape and other ugly things and...God only knew what he wanted to do to you.

But it didn’t happen. For once in his life, Bruce Wayne got lucky.

As simple as that. You were safe. Right here. Completely unaware of the danger you were actually in. You knew something was kind of up, but you were too young to fully realize what.

What mattered to you, is that dada was here. Ick was too (Dick). And Heyson. And MianMian (Damian). And Mothy ! (Tim). So things were alright. And even though you thought it was annoying, you let your dad rub his cheek on yours, you let him cover you with kisses...because you feel like something happened, but you don’t quite know what.

-My baby...you’re ok...you’re ok...

He keeps saying, and yes. Yes your ok. And why was dada crying ? You wiped his tears away from his cheeks and hugged him even more...but you also went to your brothers. Because they looked so sad...You didn’t like when they looked sad !

You let your brothers hold you close, even though you want to keep playing with detective Gordon ! You let them shower you with kisses and such and...OH NO ! YOU FORGOT THE BALLOON !!

************

Of course, that’s not the story they actually told you.

Oh no. Though you actually knew the real version, that’s not the one Alfred, or your dad would tell you as a bed time story. Nope. The truth was too scary, too close from home...They almost lost you that day. In the most terrible way.

And so they told you a much funnier one, with you running away to follow a balloon and getting into tons of magical adventures...You’d usually refer to this one, because though you liked to tease them, you knew some topics were just too...delicate.

They all wanted so much to forget about this day, that they kinda all accepted that absurd magical story as the truth, laughed about the fact that you “almost died” (but you couldn’t die, you were protected by magic !), and slowly repressed the memories of that day you actually almost died.

Bruce hated thinking about it, and it always made him want to hug you close from his heart, and not let go for hours (as you grew older, it would sometimes get awkward, like...”please dad, I have to go to school...”).

Your brothers hated it too, but also, it was the only way you had for them to lay off your back ! After all, you were a hero too, you saved the World too ! You were about to actually be part of the League too ! You proved thousands of times you could handle yourself ! And yet they still saw that little toddler running around, and almost leaving them for good...They just couldn’t help but protect you. It was cute. But oh sometimes so annoying.

So when they were getting too annoying, too much...you’d mention that time they lost you in the mall. And though they’d think about the fake story they invented, to protect their mind, the truth would always linger around and...sure, they’d leave you alone because they were still feeling pretty guilty. But they could never always leave you. No. They had to protect you.

They had to hold onto your hand, to pay attention to you...Because they realized, a long time ago, that it was easy to loose you. And none of them could live without you...

___________________________

Well. That was shit. All over the place. It was meant to be funny at first, and ended up not being at all. Uh. Sorry to whoever requested it...Probably one of my weakest story, SORRY. Might delete, or re-write it later. OR WHATEVER OH MY GOD SORRY IF I SOUND WHINEY BUT THIS IS REALLY AWFUL ! Like I received messages of people excited about that story (I teased it a bit by posting sneak peak) and now I’m just afraid I disappointed you guys...anyway, I’ll go hide in a hole.

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singingpuddle · 7 years

Text

My commentary whilst watching Buzzfeedblue’s “The Ghost Town At Vulture Mine”

Happy day after Friday the 13th ya spooks. In honor of this especially spoopy occaasion and our favorite bois new vid. I am doing another commentary.

Warning:

1. I ship them, if you don’t that’s cool with me.

2. This post is super long

3. I long for the day I no longer have to cross out the boy in boyfriend when it comes to these two. this will be abundantly clear by the amount of times i do

4. After a little bit i will stop putting full names, so just know.

5.I recommend watching the video along with or before going through this post, because if you haven’t seen it you will be lost.

R=Ryan and S=Shane

****************************************************************************************************

Shane: He’s my Ghoulfriend™

R: This is totally not a date

Me: Welp, this is going to be interesting

****************************************************************************************************

Me: This is so cute. Like your just lightly chatting with him to make sure hes okay.

S: Who? Me? I’m just as creeped out as he is.

Me: Yeah but your like helping him along.

S: Well yeah, that’s what good boyfriends do.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: They look like two gay dads on a camping trip.

R: Why is everything have to be gay and paternal?

Me: Well you guys are gay as heck.

R: We are both in straight relationships.

Me: O.K. correction, you both act gay as heck with each other.

R: Better. But the dad thing?

Me: Oh that? Your both older men who act goofy and seem like you would be good fathers.

R: Thanks?

Me: Your welcome.

****************************************************************************************************

R: “Maybe tonight you’ll get lucky then.”

Me: Look Rye Berg, I now you were talking about ghosts (which let’s be honest we know you have a kink for), but that sentence taken out of context is really-

R: You say gay and I will kick you out of your own comments post.

Me: You can’t do that, that’s breaking the fourth wall if there is one.

R: Try me.

****************************************************************************************************

Ari tests Ryan

“Gay”: Said

Threats: Made

Shane: Entertained

Ari is forcibly removed from her own text post

****************************************************************************************************

Me: He needs to be blinded to see the ghosts.

R: *yelling from near the door* Shane stop writing as if your Ari. I kicked her out, I get to be her.

Me: Be her?

R: I get to take over position on this post.

Ari: *banging on door* Let me in you Bastard

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Just two heterosexual men being bros.

Ari: *bursts in after unscrewing the door hinges* ITS GAY, ITS GAY FLIRTING, IM TAKING BACK MY GODDAMN POST GODDAMN IT!

S: You’re doing amazing sweetie!

****************************************************************************************************

Me: *after wrestling Ryan for keyboard control* Look my two favorite things, Quartz and Gold

S: I like her commentary better, more pure.

R: She has called us gay how many times?

S: Why does it matter, it’s not like she hates our girlfriends or would force the ship on us.

Me,R,&S: *cough at those types of shippers*

R: Yeah but it’s still a bit annoying.

Me: You don’t make it hard to think those things though.

R: Yeah yeah, just get back to the video.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Dango

Shane: You could say that again.

Me: Dango.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: boyfriends

****************************************************************************************************

Me: If you don’t think ghost towns are creepy you can shut the hell up. They are creepy as shit.

S&R: Preach

****************************************************************************************************

R: “That being said.”

S: Take a sip babes.

Me: I totally forgot about the drinking game. *gets up to leave then glares at Ryan* I don’t trust you though

*Locks computer*

*Runs downstairs to get drink*

****************************************************************************************************

Me: IM BACK WITCHES! What happened while I was gone.

S: Oh nothing. Ryan sucked me off, we discussed the meaning of life. Ya know the usge.

R: THE FUCK SHANE

S & Me: *finger guns*

****************************************************************************************************

Me: That happened once in an episode of Ms. Fishers Murder Mysteries.

R: You watch like way to many shows about murder.

S: Yeah should we be worried

Me: No, you shouldn’t. I just think they’re interesting.

R: Ok??

****************************************************************************************************

(+1 for Shanesquatch making his boyfriend smile)

(+1 for Beanpole McFlannel Lightening the mood as to calm both himself and his boyfriend)

(+1 for smiley boyfriends)

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Ah… remember the days of Shook Ryan™. Now he is just mildly stirred

S: IDK, he still gets pretty shook

Me: We shall see

****************************************************************************************************

Me: YOU IDIOTS, YOUR DOING THE “dumb white girl in a horror movie thing” AND ITS STUPID.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: *mocking ryan* I SHooooooK myself

R: Fuck off, you would have been terrified if you went.

Me: Thus Why I didnt

****************************************************************************************************

Me: I don’t get it? Why is this funny? Inside joke???

****************************************************************************************************

Me: He had a “secret mine” in the “Supersticion Mountians”? Boi, no he didn’t. They are called the fucking Supersticion mountains. That’s like saying I have a boyfriend living in the “I TOTALLY DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND” mountains.

****************************************************************************************************

(+1 This entire section of bants)

(+1 for making me laugh so hard I had to pause and take a break)

(+1 for playfully flirty boyfriends)

****************************************************************************************************

R&S,&Me: (wheeze)

Me: … do I need to say it?

R: Say what?

S: Let me guess. *shitty impression of me* “gay”.

Me: approximately, I was gonna say “Interesting”.

S: Which is just your way of saying. “There are very few scenarios involving this that aren’t at least partially gay.”

Me: Well I’m shook.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: you guys fucked in the glory hole didn’t you?

S: Yup, the fucking tragedy is we went on this road trip not to film a video but to fuck I a haunted cave called the glory hole. You caught us.

Me: *Giggling*

R: *shook*

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Boi, fuck safety imma get rich. *pickaxe motion* YEET

****************************************************************************************************

S&Me: TAKE A FUCKING SIP BABES

Me: Blech, cold coffee. Hey Shane imma go warm this up. Can you make sure Ryan doesn’t take over again

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Hey Ryan, how bout them spooks

R: Shane, she literally just ask you not to do that.

Me: No she said not to let you do this.

R: …

Me: … she sure is taking her time.

R: You think its on purpose?

Me: Probabaly not, I can hear her coming up the stairs now.

Ari: Mkay im back.

R: you keep leaving, why?

Ari: Because I don’t keep food and drinks in my room? Chill dude.

Me: …

Ari: Also Shane, give me back the keyboard.

Me: fine.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: That moment you realize your relationship has changed you.

R: We are not in a relationship.

Me: Friends right. You guys have a Friend-ship.

R: Fine.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Ass- Bat™ my new favorite super hero.

S: Behind Razor boy right?

R: (wheeze) Yeah behind Razor boy.

Me: Nah behind C.C. Tinsley

(+1 for Shane “Heart eyes” Madaj)

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Rocks around here can rustle in the breeze, that breeze being a twister.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: You know what me too Shane, Me too. Give me dat gold and dat good smooch but if you want violence im not ya gal.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Look at the cute lil messy boyfriends in the recording booth.

(+1 for Shane's face)

****************************************************************************************************

Me: can we just stop and appreciate how good y’all look.

R: Thanks.

(+1 for Shay May’s heart eyes)

****************************************************************************************************

Me: ok… STAHP, YOUR HURTING ME.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Dango my dude. Don’t steal.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Shane? Are you like, proud of him?

S: Yeah it was good.

Me: Okayy?

****************************************************************************************************

S & Me: Ass-Bat™

Me: Back at it again.

S: Coming for your ass.

****************************************************************************************************

R: Im feeling brave, test me bitch

*something happens*

R: *shookest*

Me: (WHEEZE) You’re fucking bravery went right out that fucking window.

R: Oh, it was just the camera.

Me: Dango my dude, you shuuk.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Oh shit, Shanes collars up, you know whay that means.

R: What?

Me: Duh, Douchebag Shane, but only to ghosts.

S: I would be mad, but you’re totally right.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: That’s not at all traumatizing. A school kid being like “My best friend Timothy died last week and now I have to walk by the grave every day when I go to school.

S: Totally not traumatizing.

****************************************************************************************************

S: Boy, you spookin ya-self. Chill it with the rumor this and allegedly that. Ghost towns are creepy enough as it is.

****************************************************************************************************

*creepy ghost piano plays G note*

Me: Ok you ghosties are you trying to hurt me

****************************************************************************************************

Me: The heck is that?

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Yeah caus help scratched into the wall and the shooting range paper riddled with holes weren’t already omens enough

****************************************************************************************************

Me: … You idjits

****************************************************************************************************

(+1 for goofy smiley boyfriends)

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Wait a sec, you’re not boyfriends…. Your boofriends

R: (wheeze)

S: You know somehow that’s just as bad, I love it.

****************************************************************************************************

R: *is being a goof*

S: *suddenly a dom for some reason*

R: *immediately becomes submissive and starts to do what he says*

Me: What did I just witness?

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Ah you noticed that too Shane? Yeah, well its your fucking fault.

S: NO REGERTS

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Demon Shane, its looking a little bit more cannon.

R: *shook*

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Yo Rye, you finna… *waggling eyebrows in Shanes direction*

S: You wanna wax my carrot, make it all shiny?

R: Shut the fuck up both of you.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Ass-Bat™ this time not only coming for your ass but that sweet shiny carrot as well.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Tbh it just sounds like Shane saying what. But like, he didn’t soooooooo…

Not Shane Ghost voice: What?

Me: So it’s clearly a ghost.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: Aww look at you two being all coy and blushy because your gonna polish each others pickles later.

R&S: ...

****************************************************************************************************

Me: (wheeze) I CAN’T STOP FUCKING LAUGHING. You fucking JUMPED out that house. Any more shook and you would have jumped into Shane’s arms.

****************************************************************************************************

Me: YESS.. give me that cinematic shit.

****************************************************************************************************

This long ass post brought to you by:

this

Link to video here

Link to Masterpost here

#buzzfeed #buzzfeedblue #buzzfeed unsolved #UNSOLVED MYSTERIES #ryan x shane #ryan bergara #shane madej #shyan

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awisekrakens · 6 years

Text

okay, all right, I got some Emotions to get out because they’re starting to fester, honestly I thought I’d dealt with a good chunk of them years ago, but I guess not

under a cut because it’ll be Long and also very Why Does This Keep Happening to Me, which is not something I indulge in much because it leads to a spiral 9/10 times

I quit my job about a week ago, is the gist of it, but the Why Me is because they were threatening to demote me and because this is the second time this has happened to me.

so back in september when I was promoted, it was with the understanding with my immediate boss (who had more power at the time, he was effectively demoted too, it’s almost like there’s a pattern of behavior here) that I could only work three shifts a week because I’m Severely Clinically Depressed and can only work that often if I’d like to live in small piles of my own filth rather than active rotting mountains. it wasn’t enthusiastically accepted, but it was accepted, and it stood fine for four months.

in the interim, first boss was effectively demoted (was store manager, then became a Superlead, so like an Extra Special Shift Manager; moved from salaried to hourly and Yes It Was A Pay Cut) and understandably stopped giving a shit, so he was eventually fired and replaced by actually promoting from within. I like her, it was a good choice, but the whole thing still sucked.

the entire chain (11+ stores) also moved from doing schedules at the store level to having One Centralized Schedule Person, a move that none of us liked because we’d rather talk in person to a person we know about why our schedules need to be that way instead of Some Person We Send Emails To. I’m far from the only neurodivergent person who was working at my tiny forgotten store, much less the entire company, so it was like, fuck, now what do we do. the company, btw, proudly markets itself as Accepting of All Diversities and Mainly Here For The Medical Patients, Although We Like Recreational Users Too.

aside: the lady hired is married to one of the Powers That Be, a PTB who is by all accounts a pretty cool dude, but I have sincere doubts that Scheduling Lady was in any way qualified to be Scheduling Lady for Over 100 People and strongly suspect nepotism, since I don’t believe she was working for the company previously to becoming Scheduling Lady.

I quickly started feeling resistance from Scheduling Lady, mostly from sheer overwhelmed-ness of going from 0 to Handling the Schedule for 100+ people, but also because I wouldn’t cover shifts because of the aforementioned depression reasons. this is partly because the store I was at was So Goddamned Tiny that anyone unable to work a shift triggered a minor catastrophe that was generally solved by A) granting overtime or B) shuttling someone over from another store.

then the new year happens.

I notice that, for the second week of january, I’m scheduled for only two shifts instead of my usual three. they’re both shift manager shifts, which will become important later. I feel something niggling in the back of my brain, but because this is the first instance of this, I put it aside and send an email to Scheduling Lady asking to be restored to my regular three.

about 4-5 days later, I get a response from her amounting roughly to no, and that shift managers are expected to work four shifts/week. apparently the email’s been chilling in her drafts. (this is a paraphrase, I have a screenshot of said email on my phone)

at this place in the story, here’s a reminder that I’d been a shift manager for four months at this point, and that for those four months, at least two of which were during her tenure, my usual three shifts had been completely fine.

at this point I enter a depressive episode, because I feel like I’m being punished for something that was Completely Fine. I marinate in it for approximately three days, during which I receive my schedule for the week after -- I’ve been given two non-manager shifts, which feels like a Big, Hearty Fuck-You -- until the day of the store meeting, before which I tearfully ask my immediate supervisor (the Extra Special Shift Manager) and the regional manager responsible for my store if I’m being demoted.

Regional Manager doesn’t immediately say no.

Regional Manager instead says -- very nicely, he’s also a pretty cool dude, he’s one of the people who originally trained me when I first got hired Which Only Makes This Worse -- he instead repeats the thing about how shift managers are expected by the company to work four shifts/week.

I fully start crying at this point and am handed a box of tissues.

I tell them that I’m clinically depressed and can only work three shifts, as I’ve been doing.

I’m then asked if I’d like to step down, citing the story of a coworker who decided he was too stressed to be a store manager, back when that was still a thing, and stepped down two levels to budtender, which is entry-level and the level I’d been promoted beyond four months previously.

I say that’s cool for him, but I want to continue to be a shift manager, and I’m not going to be forced downwards, because almost this exact thing has happened to be before, only I was stupid enough to go back.

[it’s a long story, but it’s from back when I was an assistant swim coach (some of you may have known me then, I don’t remember because my memories from around then are shitty and full of holes because depression!). tldr, at the end of the summer I was paid maybe half what someone with half of my coaching experience was paid and wanted to be there so badly the next summer that I returned as a volunteer, only to quit halfway through because an entirely new coaching staff had been hired in the interim and now there was no place for me to do anything and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was the youngest, but had been there the longest.]

I just took a break to sob into my hand. I have really not dealt with that betrayal at all.

back to 2018.

Regional Manager looks like he hadn’t thought of it that way, says he wants to keep me on and move me to the store that will be opening -- eventually -- much nearer to my place. says he can’t promise anything, but he’ll bring it up on Monday (this was Thursday) at the PTB meeting and see what he can do.

I go outside to cry on Husband, who has stuck around after dropping me off because he’s a genius and knew this would probably happen. he’s reminded me that I can quit a couple of times at this point, which we are very finacially able to do, but we’re kind of. saving up to buy a house. so that guilt is fun.

I dry my face off and go back inside to work my closing shift.

over the weekend, the depressive episode deepens. I keep cycling back to things like “it was fine for four months”, “why does this matter”, “why is this the hill they want to die on”, “if they want me to take four shifts why was I moved down to two”, and the old standby “do they all secretly hate me”, helped along by the fact that I HAD TO START THE CONVERSATION. no email, no nothing from Regional Manager. I had to notice on my own through how I was being scheduled.

by Monday, things have gotten so bad in the brain case that I’m sporting a brand new set of stress acne and do my best not to curl up into a ball whenever the thought of the store crosses my mind.

Regional Manager pulls it off in the meeting, and says I can come back to the way things were before. I take a day to compose my reply, but encouraged by Husband, I quit because “the stress surrounding this whole affair has negatively affected my health” because it has. I’m still crying as I write this, btw. still have painful stress acne.

now I’m dealing with lingering guilt and stress and depressive episodes and super fun job-hunting stress which is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD and everything’s flipped so hard that I actually miss it there.

this, this is why I went back to the swim team.

I fucking hate everything.

I call out sick twice in six months, don’t cover shifts because of a medical reason, have exactly zero discipline marks on my record, and this is how I leave.

fuck everything.

#this does not follow #I'm gonna go cry on the couch now the cats will snuggle with me

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