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treasure-mimic · 9 months

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So, let me try and put everything together here, because I really do think it needs to be talked about.

Today, Unity announced that it intends to apply a fee to use its software. Then it got worse.

For those not in the know, Unity is the most popular free to use video game development tool, offering a basic version for individuals who want to learn how to create games or create independently alongside paid versions for corporations or people who want more features. It's decent enough at this job, has issues but for the price point I can't complain, and is the idea entry point into creating in this medium, it's a very important piece of software.

But speaking of tools, the CEO is a massive one. When he was the COO of EA, he advocated for using, what out and out sounds like emotional manipulation to coerce players into microtransactions.

"A consumer gets engaged in a property, they might spend 10, 20, 30, 50 hours on the game and then when they're deep into the game they're well invested in it. We're not gouging, but we're charging and at that point in time the commitment can be pretty high."

He also called game developers who don't discuss monetization early in the planning stages of development, quote, "fucking idiots".

So that sets the stage for what might be one of the most bald-faced greediest moves I've seen from a corporation in a minute. Most at least have the sense of self-preservation to hide it.

A few hours ago, Unity posted this announcement on the official blog.

Effective January 1, 2024, we will introduce a new Unity Runtime Fee that’s based on game installs. We will also add cloud-based asset storage, Unity DevOps tools, and AI at runtime at no extra cost to Unity subscription plans this November. We are introducing a Unity Runtime Fee that is based upon each time a qualifying game is downloaded by an end user. We chose this because each time a game is downloaded, the Unity Runtime is also installed. Also we believe that an initial install-based fee allows creators to keep the ongoing financial gains from player engagement, unlike a revenue share.

Now there are a few red flags to note in this pitch immediately.

Unity is planning on charging a fee on all games which use its engine.

This is a flat fee per number of installs.

They are using an always online runtime function to determine whether a game is downloaded.

There is just so many things wrong with this that it's hard to know where to start, not helped by this FAQ which doubled down on a lot of the major issues people had.

I guess let's start with what people noticed first. Because it's using a system baked into the software itself, Unity would not be differentiating between a "purchase" and a "download". If someone uninstalls and reinstalls a game, that's two downloads. If someone gets a new computer or a new console and downloads a game already purchased from their account, that's two download. If someone pirates the game, the studio will be asked to pay for that download.

Q: How are you going to collect installs? A: We leverage our own proprietary data model. We believe it gives an accurate determination of the number of times the runtime is distributed for a given project. Q: Is software made in unity going to be calling home to unity whenever it's ran, even for enterprice licenses? A: We use a composite model for counting runtime installs that collects data from numerous sources. The Unity Runtime Fee will use data in compliance with GDPR and CCPA. The data being requested is aggregated and is being used for billing purposes. Q: If a user reinstalls/redownloads a game / changes their hardware, will that count as multiple installs? A: Yes. The creator will need to pay for all future installs. The reason is that Unity doesn’t receive end-player information, just aggregate data. Q: What's going to stop us being charged for pirated copies of our games? A: We do already have fraud detection practices in our Ads technology which is solving a similar problem, so we will leverage that know-how as a starting point. We recognize that users will have concerns about this and we will make available a process for them to submit their concerns to our fraud compliance team.

This is potentially related to a new system that will require Unity Personal developers to go online at least once every three days.

Starting in November, Unity Personal users will get a new sign-in and online user experience. Users will need to be signed into the Hub with their Unity ID and connect to the internet to use Unity. If the internet connection is lost, users can continue using Unity for up to 3 days while offline. More details to come, when this change takes effect.

It's unclear whether this requirement will be attached to any and all Unity games, though it would explain how they're theoretically able to track "the number of installs", and why the methodology for tracking these installs is so shit, as we'll discuss later.

Unity claims that it will only leverage this fee to games which surpass a certain threshold of downloads and yearly revenue.

Only games that meet the following thresholds qualify for the Unity Runtime Fee: Unity Personal and Unity Plus: Those that have made $200,000 USD or more in the last 12 months AND have at least 200,000 lifetime game installs. Unity Pro and Unity Enterprise: Those that have made $1,000,000 USD or more in the last 12 months AND have at least 1,000,000 lifetime game installs.

They don't say how they're going to collect information on a game's revenue, likely this is just to say that they're only interested in squeezing larger products (games like Genshin Impact and Honkai: Star Rail, Fate Grand Order, Among Us, and Fall Guys) and not every 2 dollar puzzle platformer that drops on Steam. But also, these larger products have the easiest time porting off of Unity and the most incentives to, meaning realistically those heaviest impacted are going to be the ones who just barely meet this threshold, most of them indie developers.

Aggro Crab Games, one of the first to properly break this story, points out that systems like the Xbox Game Pass, which is already pretty predatory towards smaller developers, will quickly inflate their "lifetime game installs" meaning even skimming the threshold of that 200k revenue, will be asked to pay a fee per install, not a percentage on said revenue.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Hey Gamers!

Today, Unity (the engine we use to make our games) announced that they'll soon be taking a fee from developers for every copy of the game installed over a certain threshold - regardless of how that copy was obtained.

Guess who has a somewhat highly anticipated game coming to Xbox Game Pass in 2024? That's right, it's us and a lot of other developers.

That means Another Crab's Treasure will be free to install for the 25 million Game Pass subscribers. If a fraction of those users download our game, Unity could take a fee that puts an enormous dent in our income and threatens the sustainability of our business.

And that's before we even think about sales on other platforms, or pirated installs of our game, or even multiple installs by the same user!!!

This decision puts us and countless other studios in a position where we might not be able to justify using Unity for our future titles. If these changes aren't rolled back, we'll be heavily considering abandoning our wealth of Unity expertise we've accumulated over the years and starting from scratch in a new engine. Which is really something we'd rather not do.

On behalf of the dev community, we're calling on Unity to reverse the latest in a string of shortsighted decisions that seem to prioritize shareholders over their product's actual users.

I fucking hate it here.

-Aggro Crab - END DESCRIPTION]

That fee, by the way, is a flat fee. Not a percentage, not a royalty. This means that any games made in Unity expecting any kind of success are heavily incentivized to cost as much as possible.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A table listing the various fees by number of Installs over the Install Threshold vs. version of Unity used, ranging from $0.01 to $0.20 per install. END DESCRIPTION]

Basic elementary school math tells us that if a game comes out for $1.99, they will be paying, at maximum, 10% of their revenue to Unity, whereas jacking the price up to $59.99 lowers that percentage to something closer to 0.3%. Obviously any company, especially any company in financial desperation, which a sudden anchor on all your revenue is going to create, is going to choose the latter.

Furthermore, and following the trend of "fuck anyone who doesn't ask for money", Unity helpfully defines what an install is on their main site.

While I'm looking at this page as it exists now, it currently says

The installation and initialization of a game or app on an end user’s device as well as distribution via streaming is considered an “install.” Games or apps with substantially similar content may be counted as one project, with installs then aggregated to calculate the Unity Runtime Fee.

However, I saw a screenshot saying something different, and utilizing the Wayback Machine we can see that this phrasing was changed at some point in the few hours since this announcement went up. Instead, it reads:

The installation and initialization of a game or app on an end user’s device as well as distribution via streaming or web browser is considered an “install.” Games or apps with substantially similar content may be counted as one project, with installs then aggregated to calculate the Unity Runtime Fee.

Screenshot for posterity:

That would mean web browser games made in Unity would count towards this install threshold. You could legitimately drive the count up simply by continuously refreshing the page. The FAQ, again, doubles down.

Q: Does this affect WebGL and streamed games? A: Games on all platforms are eligible for the fee but will only incur costs if both the install and revenue thresholds are crossed. Installs - which involves initialization of the runtime on a client device - are counted on all platforms the same way (WebGL and streaming included).

And, what I personally consider to be the most suspect claim in this entire debacle, they claim that "lifetime installs" includes installs prior to this change going into effect.

Will this fee apply to games using Unity Runtime that are already on the market on January 1, 2024? Yes, the fee applies to eligible games currently in market that continue to distribute the runtime. We look at a game's lifetime installs to determine eligibility for the runtime fee. Then we bill the runtime fee based on all new installs that occur after January 1, 2024.

Again, again, doubled down in the FAQ.

Q: Are these fees going to apply to games which have been out for years already? If you met the threshold 2 years ago, you'll start owing for any installs monthly from January, no? (in theory). It says they'll use previous installs to determine threshold eligibility & then you'll start owing them for the new ones. A: Yes, assuming the game is eligible and distributing the Unity Runtime then runtime fees will apply. We look at a game's lifetime installs to determine eligibility for the runtime fee. Then we bill the runtime fee based on all new installs that occur after January 1, 2024.

That would involve billing companies for using their software before telling them of the existence of a bill. Holding their actions to a contract that they performed before the contract existed!

Okay. I think that's everything. So far.

There is one thing that I want to mention before ending this post, unfortunately it's a little conspiratorial, but it's so hard to believe that anyone genuinely thought this was a good idea that it's stuck in my brain as a significant possibility.

A few days ago it was reported that Unity's CEO sold 2,000 shares of his own company.

On September 6, 2023, John Riccitiello, President and CEO of Unity Software Inc (NYSE:U), sold 2,000 shares of the company. This move is part of a larger trend for the insider, who over the past year has sold a total of 50,610 shares and purchased none.

I would not be surprised if this decision gets reversed tomorrow, that it was literally only made for the CEO to short his own goddamn company, because I would sooner believe that this whole thing is some idiotic attempt at committing fraud than a real monetization strategy, even knowing how unfathomably greedy these people can be.

So, with all that said, what do we do now?

Well, in all likelihood you won't need to do anything. As I said, some of the biggest names in the industry would be directly affected by this change, and you can bet your bottom dollar that they're not just going to take it lying down. After all, the only way to stop a greedy CEO is with a greedier CEO, right?

(I fucking hate it here.)

And that's not mentioning the indie devs who are already talking about abandoning the engine.

[Links display tweets from the lead developer of Among Us saying it'd be less costly to hire people to move the game off of Unity and Cult of the Lamb's official twitter saying the game won't be available after January 1st in response to the news.]

That being said, I'm still shaken by all this. The fact that Unity is openly willing to go back and punish its developers for ever having used the engine in the past makes me question my relationship to it.

The news has given rise to the visibility of free, open source alternative Godot, which, if you're interested, is likely a better option than Unity at this point. Mostly, though, I just hope we can get out of this whole, fucking, environment where creatives are treated as an endless mill of free profits that's going to be continuously ratcheted up and up to drive unsustainable infinite corporate growth that our entire economy is based on for some fuckin reason.

Anyways, that's that, I find having these big posts that break everything down to be helpful.

#Unity #Unity3D #Video Games #Game Development #Game Developers #fuckshit #I don't know what to tag news like this

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crucialplayer · 10 months

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Thoughts on mercury placements

!! everything is based purely on my experiences with signs, written with no other purpose than to share my observations and be unserious.

Gemini mercury. Throw shit at the wall and see what sticks mercury. When they talk be sure ur not the only one hearing this thought for the first time - they are too. They think as they speak. Cannot hold info inside of them longer than 5 minutes so no secrets kept, no embarrassing opinions left unspoken.

Sagittarius mercury. This one doesn’t really stir the pot, usually just blows it up. They are bold with words for no reason. What they are saying is almost always what they truly think. Will give a random lecture that no one asked for on a topic they barely know anything about.

Aries mercury. Сan either be supeeeer fun or suuuuuper insane and nothing in between. Very expressive and usually swear a lot, but they have the best sense of timing with it. No filter of course, so often get themselves in trouble with that whirlwind of a mouth.

Scorpio mercury. They kinda have a talent for talking shit in the most cutting way. It’s like a perfect combo of clairvoyance and knowing where to strike with that deadly sting using words. Sometimes don’t recognize when they’ve overdone it tho so they can come across as edgy.

Virgo mercury. Meticulous mercury, very observant. They talk even faster than Gemini mercuries but they actually manage to get their point across. Can be blunt but typically when it’s much needed. There’s a reason why this is ultimately the best mercury placement.

Capricorn mercury. Dry as fuck. Also I’ve noticed they like to complain a lot but not on abstract themes. More like being precise about why this thing sucks. Can be very adamant and stubborn with their opinions. Can sound so confident you forget to analyze what they are saying.

Pisces mercury. So whimsical and romantic but at what cost. Literally can never tell what they are trying to convey, pretty sure they have no idea too. Get carried away with their associations and metaphors that make sense only to them. If they’re nerdy it’s even worse.

Cancer mercury. Awkward with words but in a cute way. Hate to be misconstrued and taken out of context. Therefore tend to over-explain themselves and things in general but in a way that makes the point slip away further. Also very sentimental.

Aquarius mercury. Usually like to argue on social justice issues… with people who are removed from politics as much as possible. Don't care to be understood by people they consider irrelevant to them. It's like the fewer people actually do get them the better they feel but that’s just my theory. Also artistic.

Libra mercury. More concise than Pisces but ur still kinda left with a «what...» feeling. Also poetic and romantic. They usually have 1 or 2 topics they can talk about hours on end but can lose interest once the convo shifts onto something else. Like to giggle a lot too.

Leo mercury. I call this one bimbo mercury in the best way possible. Very entertaining and charismatic, but don’t give much thought to what they’re saying. Like to be the authority in every convo and if they are not they just kinda… leave. Loud (if they don't have a water sun).

Taurus mercury. Time ceases to exist, nature slows its rhythm. Some might call it relaxing I call it torture. If surrounded by their friends they tend to speed up and show more of a goofy side. Nice voices, yes yes.

#astrology #astro notes #astro observations #natal chart #zodiac signs #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #mercury placements

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inkskinned · 2 years

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in recent years, there's been a push in therapeutic circles to shift the language from "attention-seeking" to "connection-seeking" behavior.

i was an attention-seeker. i was the textbook example of an attention-seeker. i was a troublemaker. i would self-harm. i destroyed my own relationships. i was uncontrolled, dramatic, sensitive. i took everything personally. i had "nothing" to be depressed "about," but made a big show of how sad i was nonetheless. i was really unsafe about myself in a lot of ways.

the strange thing about that is: it meant others could ignore me. the prevailing wisdom behind knowing something is "attention seeking" is to say: well, since you want it that bad, you're not getting any. it meant i was lower-on-the-list of concern. it meant an eye-roll.

the belief was that: since i was obviously doing these things on purpose, it would be bad behavioral training if i was "rewarded" for it. it would "teach me" that i simply had to make enough fuss, and i'd finally get all that missing attention and love. no, it was better to ignore that stuff.

i was suffering. and it felt like - oh, it doesn't matter how loudly i am in pain, nobody gives a shit about if i'm living or dying.

awhile ago, i went through my journals from that time. a lot of them read the same thing. in them, i am convinced i am invisible. that nobody wants to hear me, to see me. that i could die or vanish and nobody would even notice. i didn't even want attention - not really - because it was always dismissive, mocking. nothing i ever did would be good enough to get someone to actually-worry about me.

that's a terrifying thing for me to read as an adult. that is a child who fully has no problem committing. that is a child who has no concept of feeling loved. the most basic human instinct is missing from her life.

i needed help. i didn't know how to ask for it. i was a kid. i was a kid in a bad home, and whenever i thought things couldn't get worse there - they almost always did.

and the ways i showed that - the ways i tried to deal with that - they made others dismiss me. i wasn't suffering prettily. after all, if i was really in trouble, why wouldn't i just march into the first counselor's office and ask someone to help me? i had the opportunities, right? what did i think would happen, exactly? that someone would finally stand up and do something? who even wants that kind of responsibility?

i heard connection-seeking for the first time about three months ago. my therapist mentioned it when we were talking about my history. it rang some kind of horrible bell, deep inside me. i don't know what she said in the rest of her sentence. i just started... crying.

"oh no", i said to her. "i think i just realized: i have no idea how to forgive them for minimizing the ways i was hurting."

how many other kids, though. how many other kids were out there drowning, snatching around for a lifevest, some kind of rope - how many were straight-up ignored.

how many of those kids aren't gonna get old.

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faggy--butch · 5 months

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I'm so glad someone finally pointed out how trans and queer essayists seem to erase trans men when talking about trans issues. I notice it the most when people talk about the early trans rights movement where people frame trans men and trans masculine individuals as people who essentially just laid back and only stepped in on the (falsely assumed) incredibly rare occasion it directly effected them while trans women did all the work.

Yes! that's actually something that made me most upset. Jesses comment that I quoted stated that /especially/ trans women and (tacking on femme non binaries) have historically faced violence for pointing out these dichotomies are bad or whatever.

This ignores butch and transmasculine history of police violence toward us in a way that feels like either she didn't do any research into it or felt like it wasn't important enough to add into the video. This happens all the time. Minimizing trans male struggles, to make it some sort of trans women empowerment time type thing. That THEY fought the hardest, and THEY were on the front lines, while trans men were easily stealth and didn't do anything to contribute. If you go to any trans man or butch space, you'll hear us talk about how frustrating it is that people think masculinity on female bodies, or perceived women isn't taken as a threat, when most have personal stories of cis men threatening them, or getting into fights or being more aggressive with them than their femme counterparts. It feels like an unwillingness to engage with us. I still dont want to say that this is on purpose, because I don't know the intention behind these comments, or if it's even a clear thought they have, but when i comes to the trans essayists it feels like a girls club with the same idea passed around over and over, that trans women have always had it worse. I'll also say that this is sometimes supported by the trans man creators, like Jammidoger. It's not just the trans women, it's not just the essayists, but they have a large audience and I wish they would stop saying this kind of stuff and cementing these things into peoples heads.

#asks #transandrophobia

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astaroth1357 · 5 months

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Oh God, What Have We Done??: Father!Solomon Headcanons

You know what? I'm a Solomon love-hater but I'll go to bat for him too. You could pick worse.

Contents: Unhinged Ms. Frizzle-style parenting, the horrors of human biology, possible pregnancy implications, fluff

~♡♡♡~

So. I can see this happening intentionally. Solomon craves a happy family, so I absolutely see the thought of rasing a kid with MC coming up once or twice.

That said, I think zero planning actually went into making it happen. This is a spur-of-the-moment decision made by two lovesick dolts. Not a damn thought was spared for the consequences, and it shows.

For starters, MC and Solomon both agreed to raise a child together while they were in the human world and told NOBODY ELSE. So from the outside looking in, they just left the Devildom for “training purposes” and returned with a random infant!

No call ahead. No fanfare. They both stepped out of the portal with a flying stroller and bottomless diaper bag, grinning from ear to ear like it all was just souvenirs from Disney World!

Naturally, all hell broke loose. The brothers were collectively hyperventilating, Simeon almost fainted, and Diavolo noticed that Barbatos wasn't moving or blinking, so the Little Ds had to carry him away like a malfunctioning android...

Does Solomon having a kid make him a grandfather…? He is not ready to ponder that thought. No one is.

Despite Mammon and Belphegor’s insistence they had to “Put it back!” after MC made it clear that raising a baby was what they wanted and that Solomon was there to stay, the brothers made peace with it… to varying degrees.

Asmo was the only one thrilled that his favorite humans now have an even cuter mini-human to take around because he'd get to try his hand at baby fashion design! The least happy was probably Belphegor because a baby means that MC is going to be way too busy to nap now. Plus, he had to deal with a lot more Solomon in his life, which very few people ever ask for...

The crew's reaction to the baby's development is actually pretty funny to see. Humans age much, much faster than their supernatural counterparts so, from their perspective, the new baby is growing at lightning speed!

Mammon was with them when they were teaching the baby to crawl and he started freaking out because, “How’re they movin' already!?” The first day their child came running, physically running, into the HoL without any help actually made Levi scream in fright.

The House had a complete meltdown when Beel was watching the child one day and they lost a tooth while eating some hard candy. They all thought that MC and Solomon were going to burn the place down, so imagine their surprise when the overjoyed parents kept congratulating their kid for losing a baby tooth...

And don't get any of them started on the growth spurts...

The one to take to the kid the most as they grew was, funnily enough, Lucifer. Most likely because their various milestones reminded him of when his brothers were doing the same things.

The child is more than happy to tell “Uncle Luci” anything, which he acts like he only tolerates, but in reality he loves being their favorite brother.

Barbatos is EXTREMELY protective of them. Nearly as protective as he is with Diavolo.

Their kid, of course, has no clue. He's just nice Uncle Barbie (he refused to be called Grandpa) who makes them sweets and watches over them in the Castle. But anyone who get too close while they're playing gets a stare down worse than all of Cerberus’ heads combined...

Mammon swore in front of them once and Barbatos strung him up so tightly that even Lucifer thought it was overkill.

Luke seems to enjoy having a baby sibling of sorts to look after, but he is going to be so upset when they get taller than him in the blink of an eye. He’s going to be their guardian angel for sure, btw.

As a father, Solomon is… spirited. Anyone can see that he’s ecstatic to be a parent, it’s just…

Well, years of isolation on top of being a once-in-a-lifetime prodigy may not have made him the most “in touch” with children these days, you know? MC has absolutely come home to find Solomon has propped up their 6-month-old with a stack of books to start teach them how to play chess.

Daddy-Baby adventure always end in spectacular fashion. Solomon is a very “hands-on science teacher” kind of guy with unwavering confidence in his abilities to keep his child safe. This, to be fair, isn’t unwarranted, however...

Does that mean you should make a plans to take your child to forbidden places for some sightseeing? Or let your child touch, paw at, and gnaw on any magic item that suits their fancy in the name of a making a new teaching experience...? Probably not, but it’s also how he learned so…

It must be assumed that whatever kid these two have, biological or not, will be a magic powerhouse of destructive proportions. All that training from Solomon himself since infancy? They'll have a wand in their hand before they can even work a fork!

I like to imagine that Solomon's kid would have a very, very hard time controlling their magic and it would get uncontrollable at times. Like, a sneeze could knock over a bookshelf or getting angry makes things go flying. But Solomon would never ever scold them for it like it’s they're fault.

He'd never make them feel the same isolation and shame that he did at their age.

It would be very, very sweet. But it also means that MC could come home to a flooded house and, instead of cleaning out the water, Solomon would teaching their child how to snorkel in the living room.

Pure chaos, but MC could never find a prouder father. Solomon would devote his entire being to giving their child all of the love and happiness they deserve. Their kid almost never sees him without a grin on his face, just ready to just wrap them a bear hug for no reason.

On quiet nights, he'd cradle them or rock them to sleep while holding back tears. MC has found him over their crib like he’s still trying to convince himself that they're real, that he's gotten this lucky.

He's not a conventional father. Hell, he's not a conventional human either. But he’s grateful for day he gets to be a parent... Every. Single. One.

#tales from the drafts #obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me solomon #obey me nightbringer #omnb #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #solomon x mc #solomon x reader #tw pregnancy #tw: pregnancy

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tonythr · 21 days

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The Watcher's telescope view is a social commentary and here's why

Ok so let's set some things right first. City of Tears is amazing.

(Yes, Pale Court is also an amazing mod)

I've played Hollow Knight many times, and City of Tears is probably the one location I never get tired of. The scenery, the lore, the room layout, the music, the atmosphere - it's all perfect. It's the culmination of Halllownest's beauty, the peak of the game's art style, and the narrative's most essential location. City of Tears is the heart of Hollow Knight.

This game is a story about a Kingdom and its death, a tragedy of a society that was built on dreams of light but ultimately was consumed by the light so much that darkness became its only hope. And City of Tears stands at the center of this story. So it's fitting that the themes of corrupted dreams, society flaws, and dark hopes are what shape the lore and atmosphere of this beautiful, gorgeous location.

Did you ever notice that the tears of this Kingdom are dark despite them originating in a glowing blue lake, and the waters that flood the streets are almost as dark as the void in the Abyss? Do you ever think about how the vibrant blue color of the City is basically a culmination of how the color blue is presented in other locations (Howling Cliffs, Forgotten Crossroads, and later Royal Waterways being more of a remix of it), and how it's tied to the very essence of Hallownest (and how Resting Grounds, the location that contains Blue Lake and also uses a bright blue color, represent the very foundation of Hallownest's history, that being Seer's story about the Moth Tribe's betrayal that started the war between Pale King and the Radiance)? Do you feel like Soul Master basically represents the thunder and the lightning in this never-ending rain? Do you get it????

Anyway yeah, there are many things that can be said about City of Tears, and this is hopefully not the last time I make a post about it. What I want to talk about here is the City's society.

Basically, Monomon said it better than anyone could:

It's a very complicated topic. The narrative basically explores the inner mechanisms of a free mind, how its primary need is finding a purpose, and how its purpose turns out to be a constant need of... something. Anything. As long as there is something to want, a free mind will want it. As long as there is something to yearn for, something to enjoy, something to dream about, our minds are going to move in its direction, never wanting to stop. Because a stasis is worse than death. Because a world without dreams is an empty world.

But then again, isn't constant yearning another instance of, well, constance? If dreams never end but also never evolve, doesn't that create another kind of stasis?

Like I said, it's very complicated. Let's go back to what I was getting at in the first place. What I actually wanted to say is this:

Theese guys fucking fucked up as a society.

It's classic dystopian shit (or maybe I'm using the wrong word, but you get the point). Rich people are living in luxury while the rest are suffering. They're making gold a fucking religion and are seeing it as the only beauty in the world. The corrupt upper class are using heavy gatekeeping on the lower class.

Literally.

What's interesting is that, at first, we barely see any lower class bugs in the City. There's suspiciously few regular husks in this location, compared to how many rich guys are on the eastern side. But then we get to Soul Sanctum and it all starts to make sense.

There are no red cloaks in those corpse piles. Only the poor were killed for those experiments. It can't be a coincidence. It's straight-up elitism-based genocide (again, I don't know if I'm using the right terms, correct me if there's a better way to say that, but the point is clear).

Also, see how many streets are flooded on the western side in comparison to the eastern side.

Point is, the bugs that ruined the kingdom by always wanting more (what Monomon wrote about) are most likely theese rich ones. It's a very fitting thing for this dystopian narrative: neverending greed that leads to the downfall of a civilization.

There's a note in the Hunter's Journal that describes it in the best way possible:

For every location in the game, there is a place that functions as the center of its essence, its narrative heart, the culmination of its themes. For Queen's Gardens it's the White Lady's cocoon, for Greenpath it's the Lake of Unn, and for City of Tears (or at least its eastern part, the one with the upper class) it's the Watcher's Spire. The tallest building of the great capital. The home of (evidently) the most rich and influential bug of the City's high society. Literally the top of this social hierarchy.

He is also arguably the most mysterious dreamer out of all three. I mean, why does he have only one eye? What type of bug is he? How did he get this much power? Does he really have some kind of connection with the Collector? Is he a motherfucking fluke? Why does he seem to have an obsession with serving the King?

That last question is kinda answered by the cut content though.

That last sentence is kinda confusing. Is it regret? Is it humility? Is it pride in his sacrifice? In any case, here we see that Lurien actually knew that the Pale King was literally a god, and desired to worship him, like any other bug yearns to worship some kind of deity. So while other bugs of Hallownest worshiped PK because he was a monarch, albeit a godlike one (for all they knew he could be just an extraordinary bug, but a bug nonetheless), Lurien worshiped him as an actual god. And the intricacies of worshiping a god are one of the central themes of the game. From the moth tribe's betrayal of Radiance leading to the birth of the Infection to the Godseeker's shenanigans leading to the birth of the Shade Lord - the game makes multiple statements about gods, religious devotion and the semantics of divine power. Just that one idea that a god takes its power from the ones that worship it deserves its own post - heck, it deserves its own book.

So yeah, Lurien's devotion to the King is an important part of the story. He sure is an important character in this narrative. He also got a cool house. Being able to observe the entirety of the Hallownest's capital is badass.

But there's one thing I find odd about all that, and it's the moment we get to actually look through his legendary telescope.

Is it just me, or does this feel kinda... Underwhelming? Almost disappointing? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love this view, it's beautiful, and I would certainly love to be able to see something like this with my own eyes irl, but, looking at this picture, I can't help but wonder...

Did he actually see anything from up there?

In cut dialogue, Lurien talks about how he loves the City's streets, and his hidden lore tablet contains words about his love for bugkind, but... I see neither any streets on this image, nor any bugs (that are not vengeflies). Only spiked rooftops and rainy fog, clouding the view of the actual City.

And sure, the Spire has many windows and even had multiple watchers who were helping Lurien with overseeing the capital...

But his own spot was always this one.

His telescope was sealed in one place, letting him see only a small portion of the City and its life. Almost like his own worldview was stuck in one perspective.

Notice the wording here. It's not "The Seals must remain". It's "Bonds must remain". He's not thinking just about the Seals containing the Infection. He's thinking about the whole Kingdom needing to stay unchanged. His dream is the stasis that the Knight (and also Monomon, Hornet and, in a sense, even Radiance) want to end. The stasis that the Pale King wanted to create in order for his Kingdom (and therefore himself) to be eternal. The stasis that would allow for both Pale King and Lurien's worship of him to remain forever.

But there is always a cost to ascending higher than others, and it's that you can no longer see what's going on below or who's suffering down there. I think Lurien, sitting atop the tallest tower, was actually detached from the struggles of regular bugs. He and his Spire are the culmination of the City's upper class' ignorance towards the ones who were below them on the social hierarchy. A dreamer who dreamt of watching over the very heart of the holy civilization lived so high up he could no longer see his beloved world in its complicated, detailed entirety – and the tears of the stasis created by those like him only blinded him more.

All those flooded streets, those broken buildings, those empty halls, those starving bugs, those sealed doors - even though he watched over them, he couldn't see them.

I'm pretty sure Lurien didn't even know about the Soul Master's experiments, despite the fact that the Soul Sanctum was located right next to his Spire.

Or maybe he knew but chose to turn a blind eye to it (pun intended).

But it's kind of poetic, isn't it? It's the beauty of the tragedy of this game's characters. A Beast who had to surrender everything to the opposing civilization. A Teacher who could no longer teach. A Watcher who couldn't see the truth.

And all that makes me wonder... How much suffering could the Pale King see, standing on that platform at the top of the Abyss, facing away from the pit where his children died?

TL;DR: Lurien's point of view was too high up to actually see what was truly going on down there, both literally and metaphorically. His desire to worship the Pale King made him ignorant of the struggles of regular bugs. Similarly, the extreme elitism of the high society of Hallownest lead to ignorance, discrimination and greed, which ultimately caused the sprawl of the Infection. This side of Lurien's story might also parallel the Pale King's with his ignorance towards the discarded vessels.

TL;DR²: Eat the rich

#hollow knight #hollow knight theory #hollow knight lore #lurien the watcher #city of tears #hallownest #pale king #monomon the teacher #soul master #character analysis #social commentary

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ofbreathandflame · 19 days

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I've always, always, always, argued that SJM's racism is intentional. People undermine the conversation about racism in SJM by arguing that her racism is just a little, fickle mistake. I really aggressively need to push back against this point - I don't think SJM is an idiot blonde woman who does not recognize the racism in her writing. If anything the reason why I've persisted this long talking about the problems in her story is because I was initially taken aback by just how intentional the racism is.

For example, the Illyrians. We talk about how ambiguous they are, but I think its one of the biggest examples of intentionality in the texts. The Illyrians purposely operate in this realm of uncertainty. Whether or not they are actually men of color has always been a moot point - it's about the intentionality of creating this race of men that embody these very weird, intentional traits. SJM knew that she wanted these men to be dark, violent, and warrior-like, but she also don't want them to be specifically categorized as men of color because the story simply doesn't see these men of color as desirable (see: Tarquin, Helion, Thesan - think about how they are characterized). It's also why I've argued that the story purposely doesn't associate the Illyrians as lesser fae, even though for all intent and purposes they are. The Illyrians are simultaneously the best (leathers, weapons, fighting) and the worst (culture, misogyny, hyperviolent). The story is also very intentional about how it characterizes the Illyrians concerning Rhys. Emerie just so happens to be the only one of her entire friend group that's not drop-dead gorgeous; notice how Amren is also described similarly when she is introduced initially. Everyone in the IC is gorgeous, beautiful, the most beautiful, but Amren the only explicit person of color, is described as being just plain.

The point is that these are very intentional writing choices - eerily specific, in my opinion. SJM is very intentional about the ways in which she chooses to 'represent' people of color in her series (see: Nehemia, Sorcha, Nesryn, Nuala, Cerridwen, Emerie, Fury, etc). Even think about the ways in which characters like Alis border on minstrelsy in their depiction. It's not just the representation, its the way certain traits are aligned with certain people, specifically people of color. I remember I made a post on my last blog about the ways in which SJM has her characters of color operate in this permanent semi-disposable position. There is always a way in which their white (white-passing) peers are always explicitly better (see: Hunt/Baxian, Helion/Nesta, Tarquin/Feyre, Yrene/Aelin - I have words for this one too).

In short, I don't think SJM is ignorant - not in the way people think. I actually think she is much smarter than even her own fans give her credit for and its why both her own stories and booktok/tube/gram have honestly gotten worse. I feel like oft times the pro and anti sides are just observing the same things (literally - the arguments are identical), but the difference is the pro sides don't think its a big deal partially because they believe that SJM is a whimsy white women who just can't understand she's wrong. Its why the argue that SJM is 'working to get better' even though she's written, at this point, over fifteen books.

#i have more to add - but this is something that really bothers me #anti sjm #anti acomaf #anti feyre #anti acosf #anti acotar #anti inner circle #anti sjm: the illyrians

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the-catboy-minyan · 2 months

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just... something I've noticed. (cw: this is about i/p and leftist activism)

so many stories are like:

villain: "there's a problem in this world that needs to be fixed, an injustice in the systems that control our life, so I shall fix it with VIOLENCE AND MURDER AND MORE VIOLENCE!"

hero: "halt, you fiend! I, a Good American Citizen™, shall stop you. scease this treachery at once!"

*proceeds to beat them up and do nothing about the issue that caused this, Happy Ending uwu everything is solved*

the purpose of these stories were propaganda, obviously, to associate fighting for justice with violence and villainy, and heroism with restoring the status quo and never questioning it.

people called bullshit, but instead of going "the source of the issue wasn't the villain, it was the system they were in. you can't just get rid of them and go about your day, you have to remove the problem from its source as well", they went "the source of the issue isn't the villain, it was the system they were in. the villain was actually completely justified in their response because of the end goal! sure their actions are bad, but the system is worse!" while completely ignoring how in most of these stories, the villains were okay with actual mass murder.

and here we are, in a post Oct. 7th world, where people look a massacre of Jews, and say the exact same thing. justifying undescribable acts of violence by saying "well these noble savages Palestinians had endured 75 years of genocide (wrong) apartheid (wrong) and ethnic cleansing (also wrong)! their response is understandable! I don't condone their violence, but something had to be done." and you get people simping for actual extremist terrorist organisations, marching around while parroting calls for genocide, and repeating words to make them sound educated on a conflict they only know about from social media posts.

yes, the systems are unfair and cruel and social justice needs to be achieved. but you can't turn a blind eye or actively condone horrific acts that are done in the name of that cause. speaking against it won't make you the "movie protagonist™", you HAVE to speak up against it if you want to work towards a peaceful future.

#antisemitism #leftist antisemitism #israel #i/p #israel palestine #am yisrael chai #stop fandomizing the war #hamas is not your blorbo #hamas is not your poor little meow meow #hamas war crimes #fuck hamas #free palestine from hamas #israel hamas war #october 7 #oct 7 #october 7 massacre

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luveline · 7 months

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hi jade!!! i was wondering if i could request a bassist!remus x roadie!reader fic in which they spend time together on their day off from touring? maybe reader is totally surprised that he even asked her?

hi gorgeous!! modern au, fem 1k

cw vague adult theme, mdni

"There you are," Remus says, as though he's said it a hundred times before, and he'll say it a hundred times again. "I've been looking for you."

As a roadie (merchandising, mostly), there's no reason for Remus to know who you are, nor care, but he seems to like you anyhow. And there's nowhere for you to hang out in your downtime beside hotel lobby's or your literal assigned seat in the minivan, so here you are, in your pyjamas, laying on a random lobby couch with a book smushed to your chest.

"What?" you ask, wiping the sleep from your eyes.

"I've been looking for you. You weren't in your room."

"I share my room with three other girls, one who has sleep apnea." The muscles in your back sing like plucked strings as you sit up. "It's quieter here… You're looking for me?"

"Mm. Come on. We'll go get a late dinner."

"I'm in my pyjamas."

Remus gestures down at himself. "I thought you might be."

He's dressed down too. Every roadie has their thing —it's hard, learning so many names at once, and eventually people begin to typecast one another as their most defining feature. Yours, to your indifference, seems to have become your more comfortable clothing choices. You're not gross, everything's clean, but is everything acceptable attire for going out into the world?

"No one will even notice they're pyjamas," he assumes you, holding out his hand expectantly. "They look like jogging bottoms."

"Remus, they're lavender."

He pulls your hand toward his chest, encouraging you to stand. "They're nice."

He ferries you out of the hotel, and you thank your lucky stars you wore your converse rather than the hotel slippers. He's clearly thought about this, offering you a hoodie (your size, clearly swiped from the merchandise van, 'marauders' written in jagged lettering across your shoulders like bat wings) as he explains the details of your trip.

"First we'll get dinner. Then see a film in the cinema, if you want to? They have the new Exorcist."

"I love horror."

"I know." He nods to himself. "And then I have to buy you fresh donuts. James says they're the only way to eat them."

"You don't have to buy me anything."

"Sorry, I should say it differently. I'd love to buy you fresh donuts. If that's what you want to do."

You peek at him from the corner of your eye. "I would've stayed in the lobby if I didn't want to come out with you."

"In that case," he murmurs, wrapping his arm around your shoulders.

This is worse than flirting. It feels like an initiation, or a turned tide. You smile at him from under his arm and he visibly pauses, falters, before his own smile hooks and he walks forward with a little more purpose.

The day moves on as promised. You eat a quick dinner at a mid range restaurant before he takes you to the cinema, where he insists he doesn't want any popcorn but eats half of yours anyways. Then he takes you for donuts, and the entire time, you're thinking, what does he want from me? If Remus wanted sex he could fuck a groupie. Half the techs would crawl into bed with him if he asked. Maybe he's just gentlemanly?

But why would he wanna fuck you? Ignoring any self-esteem issues, you're in cuffed bottoms and bare-faced, and he has no reason to believe you'd be any good in bed.

He might want something slower, he decides. It's easier to believe when he asks if he can hold your hand on the walk home.

"What?" you ask, sure you heard him wrong.

"Can I?" he says, offering you his palm.

It's different from his pulling earlier. You give him your hand and he squeezes his fingers between yours slowly, as though savouring the feeling.

You shake your head. "Was this…"

Remus waits for you to finish. It's hard to ask under the weight of his gaze, happy but with that air of knowing you can't quite crack. He always seems so put together, even when he's asking for things, like any answer you give is one he's prepared for.

"Was this a date?" you force out.

"That depends. Did it go well?"

"I would've said yes, if you asked me."

Remus leans in like he's telling a secret, his voice hushed to match. "I know," he says gently, the tiniest hint of smugness threaded in the slight scratch of his voice. "That's mostly why I didn't ask."

"Mostly?"

"I couldn't face rejection. Not from you." His eyes light with an emotion you can't name. "But if you still want to reject me, I'll cope. It might be good for me, actually, it'll give me some material. Nothing makes for better music than losing a pretty girl."

You fluster at his wording. "I would've worn something nice," you say apologetically. "If I'd known. I would've made an effort to look nice."

"You always look nice. You think I'm put off by your pyjamas?"

"Stop," you mumble, mortification creeping in. I can't believe I just went on a date with a rockstar in my pyjamas.

"It's cute. You're cute, I love that you can fall asleep anywhere–"

"Stop!"

Remus laughs and pulls you that last inch into his side, elbow to elbow, hip to hip. "I can't. Teasing you is half the fun. It's why I haven't mentioned the powdered sugar on your lip."

You sigh and turn your face away from him, wiping your lip with your sleeve. "You always do this."

"Don't wipe it off, I'll get it. It'll taste sweet."

You take your hand out of his. "Did you want this to be a date? I'll change my mind."

He's kinder after that, and when he rubs your shoulder like he knows you need it, you almost pass out.

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riri0000i · 9 days

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Choso had always been the easy target. Since kindergarten. He was mentally weak, anti-social, and never responded to any provocation. Girls called him creepy, a freak, while boys raised their hands at him as a "joke". He spent mornings at school trying to not be noticed by people like you, without any success, of course. He had no one to hang out with and the only thing he did outside school was taking care of his siblings and pulling all-nighters in front of the computer, talking to the only people who could understand his loneliness.

A real loser.

" Oops, my bad Choso!" You chimed with a fake guilty face. Your friends were all laughing, some even taking pictures with their smartphones. Choso didn't move an inch from his chair, letting you pour the probably expired milk carton on his head.

" Hey! Don't frame me with this creep too." You said, noticing that a friend of yours was also taking pictures of you.

" It's not like the teacher cares anyway. " She responded. She was right: teachers gained nothing from defending students like Choso. Your school was one of those elite schools, mainly attended by people like you: rich and mean, with disgusting pastimes like making other people's lives miserable. And then there were those like Choso, who had earned the scholarship by studying.

" I know, but today I forgot to put my lashes on." Your answer made your friends laugh again and you joined them. Before class began you looked at Choso, drenched in milk. You met his tired eyes, as soon as he noticed your gaze he looked down. His weakness pissed you off.

“ Pathetic dog.”

౨ৎ⋆˚｡⋆

The chemistry professor was explaining biomolecules, there were maybe five students who were actually listening to him. You were not one of them: you were scrolling on your phone and the few times you looked up you watched how your friends sitting next to Choso tormented him, by kicking at his chair or throwing pieces of paper at him. Nothing new.

" For this topic I would like you to work in pairs by doing a project. I will select the pairs based on your grades." The teacher said before clearing his throat for the umpteenth time.

Shit, this is the worst.

You had seen the scoreboard from the last chemistry test and you were last while Choso... He was first, just like in any other subject. The teacher began to list the pairs and, as you predicted, you ended up with that loser. When Choso heard your name he felt his stomach turn in anxiety, he feared you more than anyone else. To him you were simply cruel. There was no sign, however slight, of kindness in your soul. To make it worse was your pretty face which, at first glance, was impossible to associate with your awful personality. Choso would be lying if he said he didn't find you attractive. Maybe you were the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on.

" Turn in the project by next week." The teacher concluded before the bell rang.

" Can't believe that you have to do this with that creep!" Your friend laughed.

After a sigh: " Fuck it, I hate that teacher. Bet he did it on purpose." You said with a pissed tone. You noticed that Choso was watching you. You got up from your chair with another annoyed sigh and positioned yourself in front of his desk: hands on your hips and a fake smile on your lips, the usual one you used to make before saying a cruel comment.

" I don't want to be seen hanging around with you, much less in my house." You spat.

Choso replied in his insecure, shaky voice: " We can do it at my house... I warn you I have brothers so—

" Okay. See you later."

౨ৎ⋆˚｡⋆

Number not Saved : 602. Apartment building X. Near Y station.

You : I'm taking the train rn.

Choso was nervous. It was his first time having a girl at home. Fortunately his brothers were staying late at school that day. He quickly took a shower, getting rid of the smell of milk that earned him several stares by strangers. Being the loser he was, he asked for advice on Reddit to avoid being overly weird.

Knock Knock.

Choso jumped at the knocks on the door, interrupting his reading “How to Look More Sociable in 3 Steps”. You arrived a little late, not expecting the train to take so long.

" Come in..." He said, opening the door for you. You didn’t even say hello, you just sighed, as if you were forced to do the hardest work job on earth. As you looked around (It was the first time you had seen such a small apartment) Choso couldn’t look away from your body. You were so cute in that little outfit. It was the first time he had seen you without your uniform outside school. He would never admit it but Choso stalkled your instagram account several times (resulting in messy erections every time you posted bikini photos). The miniskirt you were wearing was surely going to distract him. He felt something twitching in his pants. Face instantly pink in embarrassment.

Oh. Oh no. No. God, no.

“ Are we doing this stupid project or what?” You asked, breaking the silence. Lucky him, he was wearing loose clothes. You didn’t notice anything.

“ Oh. Yeah… Follow me.” He responded quietly, his body tensing up. You noticed how Choso loses some of his loser appearance without the school uniform. He wore black sweatpants, a baggy sweater and his usual glasses. If he was one of your friends you might have complimented his look.

" Uhh.. You can sit on the bed… Or on the chair, you decide." He said in his usual passive tone. You huffed, sitting on his bed. It smelled like him. You were quite disappointed by the normality of his room (yes, you were expecting an otaku room: full of action figures, bodypillows and posters).

That miniskirt…I bet she did it on purpose. The sight of a pretty girl like you on his bed made Choso’s mouth go dry. He hated you but at the same time it was impossible to not admire your beauty.

" Hope you don't expect me to do anything about that project, do you, Choso?" You said with a smile on your lips. Obviously, Choso knew he would do most, if not all, of the work. He nodded, muttering something to himself. Before you could add any mean comment Choso sat down and started typing on his keyboard. Your initial idea was to find something weird, or childish, in his room and bully him but it was all so… Normal. With the excuse of going to the bathroom you explored the house.

Oh. One of his brothers is Itadori Yuuji? You looked at one of the photos hanging in the hallway. Although he didn't attend your school, Itadori Yuuji was quite popular. And he was popular for good reasons: athletic, generous and nice. You returned to Choso's room, who seemed focused on his work. You looked at him. It annoyed you to admit it but—he had a nice face. Cute, if you had to be honest. But he was unable to maintain a good self-image: he stuttered and couldn't keep eye contact, dark circles partly hidden by the nerdy glasses he wore, hair loose and messy and his posture screamed "I'm weak.”

Ugh. How can Choso be related to Itadori?

After a while: " I'm getting bored." You said as you approached Choso. His heart missed a beat, the last time you had said those words one of your friends put out a cigarette on Choso's palm just to entertain you.

" Uh, umm.. I doubt there's anything fun here..."

" Don't you have any games on your computer?" Choso was taken aback by your question.

" …Y-Yes?" He answered but Choso was sure you had other intentions, like finding another way to bully him. Standing up, you placed yourself beside him, leaning against his chair. Choso could smell a sugary scent from your clothes and hair, it was intoxicating. You watched how his long fingers trembled.

Oh, his hands are so big.

" Uh, uhmm y-you can sit here… I'll get another chair— Before Choso could add another word you sat on his lap. His body froze in surprise. Your ass on his crotch. You rested your back on his muscular chest, waiting for him to start playing. How was he supposed to respond to this?

" Oh, I like this game." You commented as if nothing was wrong.

“ R-Really..? I’ll p,play it then…”

He’s already hard.

To hold the controller Choso had to practically hug you. The way he would struggle to stay still and whisper an "I'm sorry" every time he accidentally touched you was so funny to you. But it was even more fun to rub your warm pussy against his erected sex, feeling his hot breath against the skin of your neck.

“ D-Don’t … P-Please, don’t move like that..” He nervously gulped. Because of that miniskirt Choso could sense the slightest movement you made against his body and thanks to that miniskirt you could feel how Choso's erection throbbed against your panties.

“ Like what?” You teased, shifting your weight again. Choso's body was trembling. You could feel his heartbeat racing. He was squeezing the controller to maintain his calm, feeling his inside burning at the softness of your body against his crotch. The miniskirt you were wearing was not helping at all, allowing Choso the sight of your lacy pink panties. It made his head dizzy and his erection harder, almost painful. How can a girl like you be so naughty?

" I.. S-Stop teasing me." He finally spoke up, trying to sound angry. His voice shaky and weak. You smiled and finally turned your body, now face-to-face with him. The movement resulted in another rubbing against his cock, now covered with a layer of sticky precum. Choso's face was red with embarrassment, his eyes glossy and he tried his best to hold back little moans by biting his lip. He was a mess.

" Choso~" Having you in front of him was wayy worse. You were so pretty and so close , your soft tits pressed against his sweaty chest. On your face that mischievous, almost cruel, smile. Your cheeks pink and your breath left shivers on his skin. His tip poked your wet cunt. You could feel he was big.

Maybe eight inches? It’s always the quiet ones.

" I, I can't take it anymore, p-please..." He whined like a little puppy. You gently moved a few strands of hair behind his ear and took off his glasses, throwing them on the floor. Shit, he was really handsome like that. You kissed him. Choso’s first kiss. Your lips soft and hot, leaving trails of a cherry gloss on his. He moaned inside your mouth, unable to follow your lewd rhythm. Your scent, your taste and your touch were making him obsessed, resulting in a messy and incoherent kiss.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is too much. He reached his limit. The same second you tried to reach the tip of his cock with your fingers he came, sobbing your name and leaving a cum stain on his pants.

“ I,I’m s—sorry…” His voice breathless, dick still twitching in pleasure. He continued to apologize with teary eyes, without knowing how erotic that scene was to you.

I want to fuck him.

#loser!choso #choso kamo #jjk choso #choso x reader #choso x you #choso smut

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mintaikcorpse · 16 days

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This was noticed by @timkontheunsure but I need to talk about it because it does NOT sit right with me

Look at how much he grew from the first pic to the second pic. The robe still fits in the first pic and his head goes to the light switch, but in the second pic, he's a lot taller and the robe no longer fits.

He wasn't even fully grown when Octi was a kid.

Stolas is 36, and, assuming him and Stella are the same age, means they were both forced to have Octavia at NINETEEN.

And like, yeah, teenagers get pregnant, and nineteen is a legal adult, but this wasn't by choice, and they still had a kid so young. Like, my sister is about to be 19, and I genuinely can not see her having a kid. Same with the girls at my school. 18-19 is so young to have a kid! Most people have kids between the ages of 24-27. If Octavia was 5 in the first pic, that means that Stolas and Stella were raising a kid by the time people were just starting to have kids!

Not to mention the whole arranged marriage thing! In their queer adolescence post, timkon mentions how Stolas (and Stella's but they were talking about Stolas) only purpose was to read the stars and have a kids, so he's going to be given a book and paired up immediately when he's 18. Didn't even have time to explore himself or life outside of "Stars, marriage, and baby." It's even implied on Blitzø's insta that he was suicidal during this time, and that the only reason he didn't off himself was because of Via.

And like- there's worse. It always gets worse.

Stella makes a comment saying that Stolas is terrible in bed, and this could just be that he just isn't attracted to women, but some people have also theorized that Stella had 🍇 Stolas. I'm more on the first option, but honestly, I can see where they're coming from. While I don't think it was 🍇 in the traditional sense, it definetly seems like a traumatic experience for the both of them. They both know that they're only purpose was to have a kid, so they most likely felt pressured to do it, and since Stolas is a lot more akward and reserved than Stella and it doesn't clash well with her basically verbally assaulting him all the time, it probably ended up being a traumatic experience for him.

And can you imagine that? Being stuck with Stella for about a year (he probably got married at 18) and having to deal with her being a bitch throughout the entire time you're with her, and only staying alive because of your kid? Like, she was awful before he cheated on her. 17 years of this crap. That's gotta do something to your psyche.

#stolas #stolas goetia #helluva boss stolas #stolas helluva boss #stella #stella goetia #helluva boss stella #stella helluva boss #helluva boss notes #helluva boss

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shiin-ye · 1 month

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𓆰𓆪『A Witness to Agony』꒷꒦

𓆰𓆪 summary : the first time you were brought to the Gojo residence,you were just a kid like the Gojo heir.

𓆰𓆪 warnings : a lot of fluff but since I'm not sane angst too,Satoru Gojo x sorcerer!reader,kinda long fic

𓆰𓆪 Word count : 3.2k

𓆰𓆪 a/n : the idea just popped up,lol. @nightmoon3 killed me for this and @nanamis-baker had a tiny peek. Also I'm so proud of this one-

The first time you were brought to the Gojo residence,you were just a kid,that being seemingly your only point of similarity with the heir of the clan.

You,as a member of a clan inferior to the Gojo's,were sent to serve the Gojo heir - and because you were born a girl,in a clan who counts girls as a disgrace.

Albeit the next heir of the Gojo clan,Satoru Gojo,was nothing like you expected. Even by putting aside his six eyes and limitless technique,the other heirs of other clans held no candle to him.

You learnt with time that Satoru Gojo is the master of many facades. The responsible and gentle one he put on for his family. The carefree and arrogant one he put on for the other clans and the higher-ups. And the nonchalant,apathetic and serious one he put on for the servants of the clan and residence,you included.

Satoru Gojo,unlike the other clans' heirs,wasn't spoiled and capricious. Although the servants thought otherwise. The owner of the six eyes has a keen eye,and he most certainly isn't stupid. He notices all the things they say behind his back,the looks they give him and all the gossips. In fact,Satoru Gojo notices everything. He just takes the smart route and ignores it all.

Not that your situation is any better,if not any worse. You're from a good clan,yet here you are serving the Gojo heir. No way the servants are gonna turn a blind eye on that. The treatment you get from other servants is...humiliating.

They would bump onto you on purpose,making you almost drop whatever you were holding,whether it was food,tea,or clean laundry. Worst case,you would fall. Your small weak girlish figure was nothing compared to the experienced,tall and rough bodies of them. And when you fall? They would make fun of you,insult you and mock you. You tried to ignore them,hell you did,but the effect it had did the situation worse.

"Why don't you say anything to them?" The Gojo heir doesn't even look up from his book when he speaks to you,obviously recognizing you barely,but nothing can escape the keen eye of the one and only Satoru Gojo,the treatment you get from the other servants included.

"I- I'm afraid I'm clueless regarding what you're talking about,my lord." Swallowing hard,you pour him a cup of freshly brewed green tea,set along with his favorite mochi.

"Do you..." Finally looking up,his cerulean eyes lock onto yours,the cold stare causing blood to freeze in your veins. "...take me as an idiot?"

"I wouldn't dare to,my lord!!" Panic washes over you at the mere thought.

Taking off the door of his old Japanese cup,a masterpiece done by the hands of brilliant potters,he takes a sip of his bitter tea. "You're getting better."

Your gaze falls onto the floor,a wave of relief washing over you at the compliment. "Thank you,my lord."

"Why don't you deal with the servants? I assume you don't enjoy getting such treatment."

Pause.

"I can't comprehend why you're even here,brewing tea and serving another clan's heir when you ought to undergo lectures and lessons to be the heir of your own clan,which is one of the brilliant ones."

"I..." A bitter smile cracks onto your face. "I didn't have a choice...I'm born a girl..." You mumble,voice so quiet and filled with pain perking from the memories of the treatment you used to get from your clan just because you had the unfortunate fate of being a girl.

"No choice,huh..?" Before putting the door of the cup back on it,he takes one last sip of his tea,his further silence giving hint of possible experiences of helplessness. You realize that the Gojo heir didn't touch his mochi,even though it was his favorite. He drank his tea bitter,just like the taste the conversation left in both of your mouths.

The Gojo heir goes through a lot of intense and overwhelming training,which wasn't a shock at all. Of course,having the six eyes and limitless technique and being the next heir of the greatest clan in the jujutsu world had its penalty. One would see them as blessings,but they're in fact,curses he never asked for.

After learning about the times of his classes,you decided to bring him some things such as a cold towel,a glass of water with ice and his favorite mochi.

He would,after each of his sessions,shoot you a curious look but take the tray nonetheless,although he barely recognizes your presence. You're fine with it. It was your duty to serve him after all,the sole purpose left in your life,regardless of the treatment he gives you.

Daily physical training,a must for Satoru Gojo,led to him having incredible build,strength and physique comparing to any other heirs his age.

You're standing outside of the training room,a wooden tray with the usual things in your hand,waiting for him to be finished. Unconsciously,you start humming a song,one that your mother used to sing for you way before your life collapsed and reshaped with the single intention of serving Satoru Gojo. You're still humming when the head servant approaches alongside her usual underlings surrounding her.

"Honestly? The heir is spoiled rotten." She sighs,her tone a mix of humiliation and disappointment,not bothering to lower her voice. "Serving him was the last thing I wanted." And her underlings nod in agreement.

How can she talk about the lord she's serving like that? It just makes your blood boil.

"Shut up..." You mumble,your voice lacing with anger as your grip on the wooden tray become so tight that your knuckles turn white.

The head servant stops dead in her tracks. "What was that,brat?" She gives you a look filled with irritation and malice.

"I said shut up!" Your eyes widen in pure hatred and anger as your voice raises with each word. "How dare you talk about the lord you're serving like that!? If you're that unhappy about it,about serving him,shut up and get los-"

The head servant snatches the glass of water and smashes it to your head. The glass breaks and the cold water splashes on your head,causing a gasp to escape your lips. She grabs a handful of your hair and pulls them. "How dare you talk to me like that,you rotten bastard!?" Her voice is dripping with something dangerous,like venom.

You laugh mockingly at her. "What,did I hit a nerve?"

"You little-" But she gets cut off when Satoru pushes open the training room's door with a bang.

"Get away from her!" He shouts,his body releasing a shockwave of cursed energy due to his sudden increase of negative emotions,causing the servants to fall onto their knees,squirming in fear. He steps closer slowly,his breathing heavy and his crystal blue eyes filled with rage. The head servant lets go of your hair and quickly leaves the scene,leaving you alone with the heir.

Satoru kneels down and pushes your hair away from your eyes,seeing the blood running down your face from the wound the glass has made on your forehead and the cut on your lips. "You..." His brows knot together,scowling intensely. "Why did you do that?"

"They...they were bad-mouthing you,my lord. I couldn't allow that..." You voice cracks as huge teardrops escape your eyes.

He puts a hand on your cheek,his thumb tracing the cut on your lower lip tenderly as he smiles bitterly. "So you keep quiet when they bad-mouth you but speak up when they bad-mouth me?"

Wiping at your tears angrily,you nod your head furiously. "You...you're my lord...I have to..." You sniffle.

He lets out a quiet chuckle. "You're so..." He pauses,putting his hand on his chin as he ponders. "Actually,I can't find a good word to describe you with." He smiles and it's the first time you get a glance at his soft side. "Let's get you treated." With a swift movement,he picks you up,carrying you to who knows where.

You gasp,not realizing how quickly he picked up you. "M-my lord! This is..." You stutter as you grab onto his shirt.

"Hush...I'm your lord,do you doubt my decisions?" His voice is sweet,alongside with a grin attached to his face.

"No,my lord..." Your voice is quiet,barely above a whisper as an unfamiliar heat creeps its way into your cheeks.

"Then keep quiet and let me do whatever I believe I should do."

You nod curtly,letting him carry you to get treated. How he doesn't know serving him is the sole purpose in your life.

"Y/n...!" Satoru whines,sitting on the chair in your room. "I'm beat..."

You chuckle,closing the book you were reading and putting it on the shelf. "Okay,okay." You walk up to him and ruffle his soft snowy hair. "You did well today." He smiles at the sensation of your fingers among his hair.

It's been almost four years of you witnessing Satoru Gojo as Satoru instead of 'The Gojo Heir' you served. Albeit you must admit he is quite...a handful. The almost sixteen Satoru is sweet,soft,carefree and even flirty and whiney at times. But he is also arrogant,has a big ego and...when did he get so tall?

He's been wearing himself out lately,getting ready to enter jujutsu high soon,to enter the jujutsu society as a sorcerer. "Yeah,I'm sooo tired..." He chuckles. "But it'll all end when I enter jujutsu high."

"Dream on. Your problems will only get bigger once you become a sorcerer." You sigh.

"It's fine!! I mean,you're here y/n."

"Yeah,yeah. Sure thing,my lord." You flick his forehead.

"Ow!!" He whines,pouting as you call him 'my lord'. "It's Satoru! Sa-to-ru! Not my lord or anything else!" He gets up,pinching your cheeks.

"Owowow!!" A whine escapes your lips. "Okay,fine! Satoru!"

He grins. "Better!" One of his hands move to tuck a stray strand of hair behind your ear while his other caresses the cheek he was playfully pinching just a second ago,his thumb tracing infinity on your cheek. "Hey,y/n..." He mumbles,voice so quiet,matching the soft behavior of his hands. "What will you do once I leave for jujutsu high?"

Your eyebrows unconsciously raise in confusion. "What do you mean? I'll stay here,of course. I'm supposed to serve the Gojo clan."

"No,you don't! You're supposed to serve me!" He pouts,causing you to chuckle at the cuteness only you can see of the nonchalant and arrogant Gojo heir.

"Okay,you big baby. What should I do then?" As soon as you say that,a familiar spark becomes visible in his cerulean eyes,the same spark that you see when you know he's planning something big..

"Come to jujutsu high with me."

"What!? Satoru,I can't-"

"You can,y/n! You're from a clan which is brilliant among the clans of jujutsu world other than the top three. You have great potential and amazing control on your cursed energy. Your physical strength is also higher than most people and your technique is marvelous! I and my six eyes know better than anyone else!"

You look down,a pathetic attempt to hide the blush appearing on your face. But Satoru's hande tilt your head up,forcing you to make eye contact with his crystal blue eyes.

"Please,y/n. I don't want you staying here. Plus,I'll protect you!"

"Oh,you will?"

"I will." He nods. "And when I'll make sure when I'm done with this world,you'll be kept in high regard and respected."

"You promise?"

He presses his forehead to yours,a soft smile cracking on his face. "I promise."

Jujutsu high was nothing like you expected. You could say it was one of your best experiences too. There was only a few students in each year,so everyone apparently got along.

Satoru and you were no expectations,opening up,making friends and hanging out caused Satoru to smile more,genuine ones. He was happy,and that was enough for you to feel grateful to yourself for taking on his offer to enroll in jujutsu high.

Or...that was what you thought.

After a special secret mission,the star plasma vessel assimilation -failed- everything changed. Satoru truly became the strongest and Suguru was probably at the lowest point of his life,although nobody expect you noticed,you who didn't have the courage to approach and help him.

You thought things will work out somehow,that things will get better,for all of you.

But you just thought.

Suguru left to follow his new ideals,leaving all of you. It was not just a little electric shock,it was like an earthquake shaking all of your worlds.

Shoko wouldn't mess around,make jokes or hang out anymore. She locked herself and worked on her new goal instead,to become a doctor.

And you? You always followed Satoru,but Satoru was shattered. He was a broken mess,seemingly beyond repair.

"I should've noticed,y/n...he was my best friend..." His face is buried in your neck as he cries quietly,the only thing giving him away being his shaky shoulders and sniffles. You keep running your fingers through his hair as an attempt to comfort him,your fingertips brushing against his scalp.

"I know..." You whisper,voice lacing with guilt perking of the knowledge you had of Suguru's condition,yet you were scared to help. How you wish you could take away all of Satoru's pain. How it tears you to see him cry like that,to be the sole witness his agony.

"He told me it's okay to...kill him...that it has a point...I should've..." He sniffles. "I...I should've..." His hands grip your shirt and he pushes his face more into your neck.

"I know,Satoru..." You press a kiss to the top of his head. "It's okay...it'll get better. Things will work out,somehow...anyhow."

Normally,he would scoff and laugh at that. Duh,he would probably even mock that person. But coming out of your mouth makes him believe in it,a tiny light of hope dulling his misery ever so slightly. He pulls back and stares at you,his now red due to tears scanning your face's every feature.

He lazily blinks,his snowy long lashes glittering due to the tears on them,fluttering each time he does so. He presses his forehead to yours and closes his eyes before exhaling a long deep breath which touches your lips,causing you to flinch ever so slightly.

A wave of relief washes over you as you lay on bed with him,both of you fainting due to the exhaustion of the curses none of you ever asked for,shattered dreams,the long lost blue season and the harsh reality unwilling to let you both escape its grasp anytime soon.

"How can you eat that?" You point at the big chocolate and strawberry special ice cream with your spoon.

He shoots you a look of innocence before chuckling softly. "You've known me for all these years,yet you still underestimate my sweet tooth?" He tsks. "That hurts,darling."

You smirk,playing with your small -compared to Satoru's- ice cream before shoving a spoonful of it into your mouth "Quit the act. Plus,that's not something to be proud of. We both know that sweet tooth of yours was unintentional."

He hums thoughtfully before taking off his sunglasses,revealing those gorgeous crystal blue eyes alongside those snowy long lashes. "True."

After the ice cream,you go to the usual park with Satoru. "What was the special occasion for that?" You ask,eyes locked onto the lake,reminding you how little its beauty is compared to the infinite ocean in Satoru's eyes.

He sighs,faking his disappointment. "Can't I take out my cute,adorable,gorgeous and extremely lovable girlfriend out to have ice cream with for no reason?" He frowns,making you roll your eyes playfully at his act of innocence. "Sure you can. But that one had a special occasion."

"I forgot to add smart to your list of adjectives." He grins,his gaze locked onto yours. "I'm gonna be a teacher at jujutsu high."

You chuckle heartily. "Can't let that place be,huh?"

"Nope." His grin widens. "I mean,I need to fix this ruined world of jujutsu."

"You mean...Suguru...?" Your smile fades,your voice trailing off to the point that the last word is barely audible.

"That,yes. I'll make sure no one in this cramped world feels lonely again. You were right,y/n. Things will work out,I'll make sure they do." His eyes soften even more. "Plus,I have to fulfill my promise to you,too." He gets down on one knee,pulling out a small box out of his pocket. "I need you by my side,y/n,more than what you think."

Opening the box,he reveals a simple silver ring. "I wanted to get you something expensive and marvelous,like a big diamond or something. But I read somewhere that these rings resemble infinite love as they go on an endless loop,so..." He pauses,taking a deep breath. "Will you marry me?"

A gasp leaves your lips,your hand goes to cover your mouth as tears stream down your face. You nod your head so fast you feel dizzy and he slides the ring to your ring finger with a soft heartily chuckle,happiness and joy perking from the depths of his heart. The heart that you've seen all its sides.

"I love you,y/n." He laces his fingers through yours,squeezing your hand as he pushes his forehead to yours.

"I love you too,Satoru." You smile,never feeling this happy and grateful before.

The last time you were brought to the Gojo residence,he was carrying you who were covered in white. Only not the kind of white he dreamed of seeing you in.

Satoru Gojo knew the gods hate him,but to this point? Never.

The cloth that covered you was painted crimson,reminding him of his misery,his silent agony and that the only person who ever witnessed that side of him is beyond save.

It was like the gods were teaching him how the strongest will always be and that he must be alone,by taking away his everything.

The white cloth,same color as his hair,now with the color crimson resting on it reminds him of his failures,that even if he's the strongest he can't keep every promise and protect everyone.

You,included.

✐ᝰ.divider by @/saradika-graphics

#〔𖤐Shin's work༉〕#satoru gojo deserves the world and more #satoru gojo #gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #satoru gojo x reader #gojo angst #satoru gojo angst #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu gojo

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thethingswedotomorrow · 6 months

Text

Aziraphale and Crowley are both idiots, with a severe lack of common sense on any given day.

But these idiots were both tasked with watching and guiding the new humans God had created, for better or for worse. What they didn't realize was just how unprepared they both were for this task.

Before being sent out to Eden, they were BOTH given a crash course on the newest creatures, (humans??) roaming around the garden. Just the essentials, don't poke here, this does that, avoid this bit, this part leaks, etc.

Aziraphale's lesson was much more formal, only highlighting the parts of the humans that were deemed 'essential' by the Archangels

Having to sit through Gabriel explaining the purpose of a tongue for hours was enough to make anyone zone out, let alone a principality who had just been told that the place he was being sent to would be full of creatures that were filled with an odd combination of liquid at all times. Good Lord, how was he meant to protect these humans when they could explode at any time?

Aziraphale had checked out mentally by the time they started covering exactly what the eyebrows were for

Hell decided to take a more hands-on approach.

By hands-on, they meant having Dagon draw what they assumed a human might vaguely look like, and then explaining the best ways to torture the squiggly bits

Crowley spent most of the class trying to decide whether the drawing looked more like a horse or a soggy blanket crumpled into a pile

(Crowley had only recently learned about the 'horse' idea, and he was decidedly not impressed by them.)

(He could get behind this blanket idea, however. He'd have to check that one out in a few years.)

So once they'd both reached the Garden, and checked the place out for themselves, they both came to the same conclusion.

They had some SERIOUS questions about what was going on here

Naturally (and reluctantly for one of them), they gravitated towards each other. They both knew asking either of their sides would imply that they didn't pay attention to the classes. And neither of them wanted to have a repeat lesson, thank you.

"Ah, yes, hello, Crawley was it?"

"Obviously, still me. Be odd for me to be someone else, wouldn't it?"

"Yes, well. I was wondering..if you had..perhaps....noticed anything about these humans?"

"Noticed what? They're awfully boring. Told me 'get up there and make some trouble', but all they do is sleep and eat things and walk around. Made 'em trip a few times, but it got old by the 5th time around honestly."

"Well I don't think they're meant to do much more. If they were, then they would have. As is God's plan. Oh there is no need for dramatics Crawley."

It was at that point Crawley sighed VERY aggressively, flopped down onto a rather soft looking patch of grass, and looked up at Aziraphale.

"Was there a point here, Angel, or have you just come to preach?"

"I do wonder, however, if God was perhaps made aware of the issues in the hardware, as it were."

"What are you on about?"

"Yesterday, I saw Eve walking around, admiring all the plants and such. They really are truly beautiful, you know. Have you seen them yet?"

"Nah, haven't gotten over there yet. Mostly been hanging around on the rocks, very warm there. Why? What'd she do?"

"Well, she walked up to the flowers, and..then she just..sort of...." Aziraphale trails off, very hesitant about how to describe the situation.

"Sort of what?" Now Crowley is curious. Always been his downfall, that sort of thing.

"She just... she stuck her face into them."

"She WHAT?"

"Exactly! Stuck her face into them, no warning or anything. That poor, poor woman could have been killed. Who knows what those flowers will do to her tongue."

"HER WHAT?"

It was at this point that they both realized that they may not have gotten the same education on the humans and their anatomy.

"So, they aren't actually going to explode? Oh thank God."

"Well, I mean they could, I suppose. If you poked them enough, or shook them up really hard. Y'think we should try that?"

"Crawley, no."

Between both of them, they gathered enough information about the humans to have a general idea of what they should and shouldn't do to help them survive

(Crowley might enjoy watching them trip, but he's a Demon, not a monster. There'd be no point going and killing them right after they launch the whole program.)

It turned out that what they had gathered between Heaven and Hell was quite literally the bare minimum of human physiology.

They stuck together from then on, determined to find out everything they could about the humans.

The first time Eve sneezed after smelling the flowers, Aziraphale jumped up so quickly that he broke the rock he was using as a seat clean in half

Crawley and Aziraphale stood perfectly still on the wall, waiting for something else to happen.

All Eve did was sniff a bit and walk away.

Aziraphale turned to Crowley, eyes wide and full of terror. They both stared at each other for a few minutes before they both silently sat down, contemplating what they had assumed was a very near-miss explosion.

The next day, when Adam stepped into the pool of water at the edge of the Garden, the angel and demon watched with the utmost attention.

"D'ya think they can breathe in there?"

"In the water?"

"Yeah, those slimy things at the bottom seem to be doin' just fine without coming up top. Maybe the humans can do that too."

"Crawley, those are fish. The humans need the air to live. I think."

"Fiiiiiish? Fsh. Fiisssshhh. Nah, don't like that. Slimy things works better, who names these things? Was it you?"

"I'm afraid that was not my department, unfortunately. I like to think I would have gone with a different choice than 'fish', if I had any say in the names."

"Mm. He's been down there for a bit, yeah?"

"Who? Oh, him. Has he? Oh. Oh Lord, he has. Adam? Adam?"

One small miracle later, the humans and the non-humans had both learned that they did need the air to live.

The day Eve and Adam laughed together was a good day.

'What're they even laughin' at?" Crowley wiggles/walks* his way over to where Aziraphale is sat on the edge of the wall, watching the humans.

*He's still figuring out the whole leg thing, far too complicated if you ask him

"If I had to guess, I'd say they're laughing at the state of Adam."

"How'd he even get like that? Last I saw, he was running around near that pond, how's that happen? They were on your watch, Angel."

"Ah, while you went to look at the plants, he fell. Apparently when dirt and water mix, it becomes very sticky. Mud, I believe it's called."

"Blegh. Way to go Angel, I left for five minutes and you let him get all mud-ed. Looks awful, don't see why they're laughin'. They've always got somethin' stuck to em."

Despite his words, Crowley couldn't help but smile at the humans. Something so ridiculous and they stood there laughing at it, having all the time in the world to explore and find out new things.

Aziraphale noticed this, and smiled as well. Mostly because of the humans and how fond he was already of them

But also, at Crowley and a new type fondness for him, as well.

(Though it would take many, many years for him to admit that)

Crowley and Aziraphale sat and laughed, watching these new humans bumble around and laugh, being happy to just exist and discover everything there was to discover. If Crowley snuck glances at the angel while he was laughing, he'd never admit it.

Maybe tomorrow, Crowley thought, he'd see what the deal was with that big apple tree.

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moondustpugh · 3 months

Text

High Infidelity

Joseph Quinn x Fem!Reader

Summary: Did you really have to chart the constellations in his eyes? Did you really have to tell him how he brought you back to life?

Author's Note: I just want to warn everyone again how this fic could get dark. Please read the trigger warnings before reading. Anyway, part two!

Disclaimer: 18+, emotional abuse, mention of harming, infidelity

(Please, please don't read this if it triggers you. I need you all to think hard about it before reading this one. This is a bit of a dark fic).

Wordcount: 4.5K

part one - part two - part three - part four - epilogue

“Are you okay?” Joe asked, his brows all furrowed.

It has been two weeks since the incident with Eli at home, and you haven’t slept since. You were aware of the damage that was doing to your body and mental health. Your body had become numb. Every night, it was almost the same routine. You’d come home, Eli would complain about what you wore for the day, you would argue, and he would leave the flat. There were good days where he would be sweet to you and make you dinner. He’d give you kisses and he’d tell you how you were so beautiful but somehow, your night would always end in an argument and not once he had apologized to his behaviour at all.

He would just come home after an argument and be sweet to you again. He’d bring you flowers and chocolates the next day. He’d buy you just about anything, and you’d just take it. Even if the flowers would always end up dying by the end of the week. You’d put it in a vase and act like you cared about it, but you didn’t.

You’d let it die just like how you were dying on the inside.

It was slowly killing you, but you were too terrified to end it.

It would be your fault if something happened to him. What if you would regret the decision to end this? What if you were the one who was overreacting about all of this? Did Eli realize that you were dying on the inside, or was he too busy in his own world? Surely, he never did this on purpose, right? He said he loves you, remember?

But was love supposed to be like this? Was it supposed to be this complicated? Was love supposed to hurt like this?

“Hey,” You felt Joe’s hand gently on your forearm. “Are you okay?”

You gazed up at him, snapping back into reality and nodded your head. You have been too distracted for the last two weeks and there was no denying that Joe had noticed it. He hadn’t said anything because it wasn’t really any of his business, but you were worse today. You had dark circles under your eyes, and you could barely keep your eyes open. Joe also had noticed how you had two big cups of coffee already and it was only 10am.

“Yes, sorry. I… I just couldn’t sleep last night.” You finished fixing his collar before picking up his tie from the rack and helped him with it.

“Hey,” Joe stopped you by taking your hand gently, his expression was worried. “You’ve been saying the same excuse since last week.”

“I’m fine.” Your voice was almost a whisper as you tried to held in the tears that were welling up in your eyes.

It wasn’t a secret that you and Joe had been getting closer and sharing more personal things with each other whenever you two had some spare time between events. Even Alex himself had noticed the friendship that was forming between the two of you, and he couldn’t help but notice how it was affecting Joe in a better way. It made him more comfortable whenever he was out at the events and after parties, knowing that your presence was there next to him most of the time.

However, Joe didn’t have to get dragged by your own personal problems. Sure, you had shared most things about yourself to him but the one big elephant in the room hasn’t been mentioned nor talked about. That was only because you would always avoid the subject or tried to never bring it up. He wasn’t part of this. You were technically still working for him, and your important priority was to do your job well.

“Excuse me.” You slid your hand away from Joe’s and walked out of his dressing room.

You sat in one of the restroom stalls for about ten minutes and sobbed quietly, covering your mouth with the palm of your hand, trying your best to block out your sobs whenever you heard the restroom door open.

Eli didn’t hurt you physically, but he was mentally and emotionally hurting and draining you everyday.

Just like the fight you two had last night. It started off as a nice and quiet night with the two of you relaxing on your sofa. The television was on and the both of you were watching an episode of a show that Eli was interested in. You actually found the show boring, but you gave it a chance because Eli had been going on and on about how good it was. Your head was laying on Eli’s lap as you tried to stay focused on the show.

Suddenly, your phone on the coffee table buzzed and as you picked it up, you saw your sister texted you. You smiled happily as you watched the funny video that she sent and texted her back, letting her know that she could definitely relate to that.

“Hey, that's enough.” Eli scolded you.

“Hold on.” You smiled through the text as your sister replied back with a funny joke about the video.

“C’mon, that’s enough.” Eli grabbed the phone from your hands and hid it on the other side of him.

“I was talking to my sister.” You argued, sitting up on the sofa.

“So, is she more important than me? We barely see each other because of your stupid job.”

That was the last line before you had gotten up from the sofa, anger washing over you. You couldn’t even talk to your own sister without him being jealous over it.

“She’s my sister. I can talk to her if I want to.”

“Are you sure it’s your sister? Or is it someone else? Maybe a guy?” Eli’s voice raised as you shook your head in disbelief.

“Have fun watching your stupid show.” You murmured before walking away from him.

That was the first time you had something like that to him that made your hands shake when you had entered your bedroom, tears rolling down your cheeks. Eli had spent the night on the sofa after that, and he was gone the moment you had woken up this morning.

When you finally let out all your emotions and pushed the thought of what happened last night, you stood in front of the mirror and wiped the tears that stained your cheeks and tugged your lips into a fake smile in the mirror. You had a job to do and that was your focus right now. You needed to stop thinking about Eli and continue on with work because as far as everyone was concerned, you were okay and you needed this job.

Walking out of the restroom, you followed Alex’s instructions for the rest of the day. You watched Joe did his photoshoot and handed him his water bottle or food whenever he went on break. You didn’t say one word to him, only one word answers if it was necessary. However, you could see Joe’s concerned eyes on you the whole time. He knew there was something wrong, but you just didn’t want to tell him. It was your decision to make, and he didn’t want to force you into anything if you didn’t want to talk about it.

“Alex said you needed me?” You peeked your head behind his dressing room door later that night.

“Yeah, come in.” Joe smiled, gesturing for you to enter the room.

He was just sliding his jacket around his shoulders and ran his fingers through his messy curls. You couldn’t help but think about how he looked really good today, especially in the photoshoot. The photos turned out great.

“How can I help you?” You asked.

You didn’t move from your spot beside the door as Joe walked towards you.

“I need you to accompany me tonight.” Joe said, his eyes staring right into yours. “I already talked to Alex, and he agreed.”

“Oh.” That was all you could manage. “Wh…Where? Are we going to be out late?”

“Maybe.” Joe nodded his head. “Is that a problem?”

“Um…”

For some reason, you didn’t know why you couldn’t manage to tell Joe that you had a boyfriend. That he was expecting you to come home at a certain time. You were twenty seven years old for fuck’s sake. You were too embarrassed to let Joe know that you had a curfew.

Or maybe, you were too embarrassed over the fact that you were with someone who was making your life a living hell everyday, but you couldn’t seem to get out of it because of all the threats he had warned you. You didn’t know what you'd do if Eli would hurt himself if you broke this off. You didn’t want to be responsible for that. You didn’t love him anymore, but you still cared.

“I’ll… I’ll let my flatmate know.” You told him. “So, she doesn’t get worried.”

You were lying through your teeth, and you didn’t know why. Why couldn’t you just say it? Was there a possibility that maybe because you didn’t want Joe to know that you were taken? That you were in a relationship with someone who controls every little thing that you did?

Texting Eli that you were coming home late, you immediately turned your phone off because you didn’t want him calling you at all. You didn’t want to hear from him for the rest of the night.

“Ready?” Joe smiled.

You gave him a small smile and nodded your head, following Joe out the dressing room. The spring chilly air greeted you both as soon as you stepped out of the building. Joe didn’t tell you about where he was going and what exactly you needed to accompany him for. You figured you would just go with it and followed wherever he was taking you. You thought maybe he wanted to go to a party and needed someone to make sure he didn’t get too drunk or maybe, he needed you to run a small errand with him.

You really didn’t know but for the first time, you didn’t want to overthink. You already did that 24/7 everyday. You have been getting headaches everyday from overthinking that for the first time ever, you felt your body and shoulders relaxed. As you continued down the pavement, you were now realizing that you felt safe with Joe. Slightly gazing up at him, you bit your lower lip as he gazed down at you and gave you a small warm smile. It was a smile that sent shivers down your spine.

“So, where am I accompanying you?” You finally asked after a few minutes.

“Just here.” Joe replied as you both arrived at the park.

The park was quiet and peaceful. There were a couple people walking around and some were laying on the grass happily with their lovers or group of friends. The starry night sky covered the city, and you both walked towards the bench and sat on it, watching the skyline flickered in front of you. Taking a deep breath, you gazed up at the night sky and slightly smiled. Joe could see the sad smile that was tugging on your lips, and he couldn’t help but wonder what you were thinking about.

When was the last time that you went out alone? When was the last time you did something that made you happy?

“I had to accompany you to go to the park?” You asked.

“No, I am accompanying you, actually.” Joe replied. “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I feel like you needed this after today.”

You furrowed your brows, confused as you tilted your head at him. You didn’t realize Joe was that concerned over you. You didn’t realize he paid that much attention to you.

“You think I didn’t notice your red puffy eyes earlier?” Joe raised his brow at you.

Exhaling a sharp breath, you looked down to the ground. You were starting to look so pathetic lately. You couldn’t understand why you felt this way. You couldn’t understand why you were so weak. Everything that you did was never enough for Eli. Every effort and love you showed was just not enough. He always kept scores with his effort, and you didn’t even realize that until the last couple of months. Your body and mind was so exhausted that sometimes it just wanted to give out.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I’m here.” Joe’s voice was soft.

You gazed up at him with your brows all knitted together. You couldn’t understand why Joe was being this nice to you. Why was he treating you like this? You weren’t anyone special. You were just working for his team. He didn’t have to do all of this for you. Why did he care so much about what you feel? If only he knew how much of a mess you were.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” You asked.

For a minute, Joe was taken aback by your question. It was a simple answer in his head but in your head, there were many questions that kept creeping up. Almost like everything right now felt unreal.

“Because… I care.” Joe replied.

His eyes were genuine, and you could see it, but you couldn’t understand it. How could someone care about someone like you? Someone who was weak. Someone who wasn’t good enough for anything.

“Why?”

Joe let out a soft chuckle, moving close to you on the bench. His fingers found the strand of your hair as he tucked it behind your ear gently. His touch was soft and gentle, and he looked at you like you were the most beautiful girl in the world. Something that you have never seen with Eli. Something Eli never showed you.

“Because I like you.” Joe whispered. “I have grown to care too much about you, and I don’t know why, but I just do.”

“Joe…” You whispered.

Joe’s face was inches from yours, and you felt a jar of butterflies opened up in your stomach. You have never felt anything like this. Not for a long time. Not for anyone. You would be lying to yourself if you said you haven’t thought about Joe at all for the past few months. There was something about your conversations with him that made you feel safe and understood for the first time.

Looking into his chocolate button eyes, Joe’s soft lips brushed against yours. You hesitated for a moment because you knew that this was wrong. You would be cheating with Eli but at the same time, everything felt right when you were with Joe. Your lips moved against his as you kissed him back softly. Your mind started spinning as Joe pulled you close in his arms, his spare hand cupping your cheek gently. He was so gentle and soft. He kissed you unlike how Eli kissed you every night. He kissed you, showing every feeling he has for you. Like how much he cared and loved you.

If Eli would see the both of you right now, he would be furious. You would be the reason for ruining him. Quickly pulling away from Joe, you tried to catch your breath. Your eyes were still closed and your brows all furrowed as you shook your head.

You couldn’t hurt Joe like this. Not when Eli was watching every move you made.

“I… I’m sorry. I can’t.” You whispered.

“I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?” Joe asked, his thumb brushing your cheek softly.

“N..No.” Your eyes shot up as you got up from the bench and played with your fingers nervously.

God, you were such a mess.

What did you do?

How could you do this to Joe?

“I… I have a boyfriend.” You answered as Joe got up and walked over to you.

You were pacing in front of him, and he gently took your hands in his to calm you down. You could feel your heartbeat pumping in your chest so fast that you couldn’t breathe. You couldn’t believe that you just kissed Joe.

You kissed Joe.

Eli was right. You were nothing but just pathetic and not good enough for anyone because how could you cheat on him? How could you hurt him?

“Hey, hey.” Joe tried to find your eyes, but you were shaking your head and couldn’t even look at him.

“Hey, look at me.” Joe murmured, his gentle fingers found your chin as he turned your head to stare into his eyes. “It’s okay. I’m sorry for doing that. I… I didn’t know.”

Of course, he didn’t because you didn’t want him to know.

That was your choice to keep it from him because you were such a mess when it came to your life. Joe didn’t deserve to be treated this way either.

Joe could see from your reaction that it wasn’t the kiss that you were worried about. It was something else. He took a step back for a moment, his hands never leaving yours as he studied you with worried eyes.

“Is… Is he the reason why you were crying earlier?” Joe asked, his voice was stern.

Tears started welling up in your eyes as you sat back down on the bench and wiped the tear that rolled down your cheek with the back of your hand. Joe knelt down in front of you, taking your hands in his.

“What is it?” He asked.

“I’m not even supposed to be out right now.” Your voice stuttered through your small sobs. “I… I’m supposed to be home by 9, and I turned my phone off because I know he would be calling me asking where I am and who I am with.”

Your lips and hands trembled, and Joe could see the terror in your eyes. He never saw that in you before, but you were terrified. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Why was your boyfriend giving you a curfew like you were a teenager? Why were you so terrified of him?

“That’s… That’s not right.” Joe murmured. “He’s controlling your life.”

“No,” You shook your head, wiping more tears that were rolling down your cheeks. “It’s my fault. I… I never show him enough love. I never listen to him when he wants me to do something.”

Suddenly, Joe could feel his anger rising from the words that you were telling him. He hasn’t met Eli, but he couldn’t believe how much of a wreck he had made of you.

“What does he want you to do?”

“He wants me to quit this job.” You sobbed, burying your face in your hands. “But I can’t. I need the money… I… I have debts from uni, and I want to have my own career, but he doesn’t think my career is good for me.”

“Do you think it’s not good for you?”

For the first time in a long time, you never heard someone ask you about what you want. No one has asked you for a long time what you really felt. You have put aside your happiness and needs lately just to make Eli happy.

“I…” You looked up at him, your cheeks stained with your mascara. “I… don’t know.”

Joe wiped your mascara stained tears and helped you up from the bench. He cupped both of your cheeks with his hands and looked deeply into your eyes.

“What does your heart say? The real truth without having to think about his opinion on your decision.”

“I don’t want to leave.” You whispered. “I want to stay.”

“Then, stay.” Joe whispered before pulling you into his arms and held you tightly.

You didn’t understand the feelings that were washing over you. You didn’t understand how you deserve someone like Joe in your life. Joe embracing you in his arms made you feel safe like no one in this world could hurt you, not even Eli. You buried your face on Joe’s chest, letting a few more tears rolled down your cheeks, and Joe didn’t hesitate to comfort you. He didn’t hesitate to make sure that you were okay.

“I meant what I said.” Joe whispered through your hair as he planted a soft kiss on it. “I do care about you.”

Pulling away from his arms, you looked up at Joe as he gave you a warm reassuring smile. His face was full of genuinity, and you kept wondering how this man in front of you would care so much even after you literally just cried and vented in front of him about all the complicated and dark secrets that you have.

“I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t feel the same way.” You murmured. “But…”

“I know.” Joe answered.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” You took a deep breath.

“I don’t want to force you nor want you to make you feel any worse than you already do. That’s the last thing I want.” Joe explained.

Looking at him, you knew how you felt about Joe. You had frozen your world for Eli for a long time now and this time, you wanted to break out of it. This time, you wanted to listen to what your heart was saying and that was how much you liked Joe for a while now.

Staring deep into his chocolate button eyes, you knew this decision you would be making. Leaning close to him, you kissed him passionately, wrapping your arms around his neck as you stood in your tiptoes. Joe smiled through the kiss, wrapping an arm around your torso and pulled you against his body. He didn’t hesitate to kiss you back as he let his other hand run through your hair. You could feel the heat radiating between the both of you as you kissed him deeply, finally letting go of all your fears and insecurities for the first time. Pulling away breathlessly, Joe pressed his forehead against yours.

“I… I don’t want to hurt you.” You whispered.

“You’re not. I know the risk.” Joe murmured, brushing your cheek softly. “I want to break you out of this hellhole.”

“It’s not your responsibility.”

“I don’t care.” Joe pressed a soft kiss on your forehead before you let go from his arms.

The absence of you in Joe’s arms was already making him miss you as you grabbed your purse from the bench. You didn’t exactly know what this meant between you and Joe now. You also didn’t know what was going to happen with you and Eli. Hurting them both was the last thing in your mind, but you knew that whatever effort you did with Eli, it was always never enough for him.

“Let me take you home.” Joe suggested.

“No, please.” You held his hand. “I… I don’t know what I’ll do if Eli sees you. I don’t know how he’ll react.”

“I’m scared for your safety.”

“I’m okay, I promise. I…” You sighed. “I’m sorry. I just can’t risk this right now.”

“Please text me when you get home safe.” Joe cupped your face in his hands again. “And please don’t hesitate to call me if you don’t feel safe. I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

You nodded your head, leaning up to kiss him again before finally letting go from his arms. Walking back home, you pulled the coat closer in your chest and finally turned your phone on, finding 30 missed calls from Eli. You knew what was going to greet you when you arrived home. It was an expectation at this point.

“So, did you just forget that I existed?”

That was the first thing Eli had told you the moment you entered the flat. You weren’t even halfway closing the front door yet nor had taken your coat off, and he was already upset. He was sitting in the living room with the TV turned off as he waited for you all night.

“I told you I was going to be late. I got busy.” You answered, your voice was cold.

“Do you even care about me?”

You sighed. You had enough. It was the same thing over and over again. You wanted to just lash out and let him know that no, you didn’t love him anymore. That no, you weren’t happy anymore because he was controlling, possessive and jealous. He was always gaslighting you, and you were so tired of reassuring his feelings everyday. You were so sick and tired of babysitting him and making sure that he was okay.

You wanted to lash out. You wanted to yell at him and tell him every single thing that you were feeling about him because you were done. Turning your attention back to Eli, you saw the tears that were welling up in his eyes.

“You don’t love me anymore.” Eli murmured. “How could you, right? I’m not anyone important. I’m poor. I don’t have an education.”

“That’s not…” You shook your head, feeling a knot in your stomach. “Don’t say that.”

You pulled him in your arms, rubbing his back softly. You couldn’t feel anything anymore. You were gone. You were numb, and you have lost yourself. You didn’t recognize who you were anymore. It was like living in someone else’s body. Even comforting Eli and holding him in your arms, you didn’t feel one emotion inside of you.

You felt dead.

You were exhausted and wished the floor would eat you whole right now. At this point, it would hurt less. You took Eli’s hand in yours and walked him to the bedroom, closing the door behind you.

“Let’s just go to bed.” You said.

Eli pulled you by your hips, pressing your body against his. “Do you love me?”

You stared into his eyes, nodding your head. “Yes.”

Eli kissed you roughly on the lips as you kissed him back. His fingers started unbuttoning your shirt as he pushed you towards the bed and towered over you. His kisses burned your skin, and you couldn’t move nor do anything about it. You felt trapped. You didn’t want this anymore.

You want to be freed from this prison.

You want to love someone right. You want to feel the right love from someone because Eli’s “love” was slowly killing you, and you didn’t know how long until you finally drowned into this madness of love that he had for you. You didn't know how you could take off this anchor chain that was around your neck.

You were looking for a line to hold on to as you tried to catch your breath, trying not to drown in this deep monstrous ocean that you were in.

You were drowning.

You were choking.

You couldn’t breathe.

You were crying for help through the four walls of this bedroom, and no one could hear you.

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