#i needed it to exist outside of just myself

[mustainegf]

pls pls PLSSSS! i need taking a bath with late90s!Dave, like the intimacy, cleaning the other up, hugging each other, ugh i’m a slut for non-sexual intimacy

buttttt, it can end up with gentle sex 🤞

I am SUCH A sucker for non sexual intimacy, so I kept the smut a little more vague than I usually do, more passionate, I hope you love it as much as I do!!

I sink into the warm water, feeling it envelop my body in a gentle, soothing warmth. The bubbles dance lightly on the surface, reflecting the soft glow of the candles scattered around the bathroom.

I hear the familiar sound of Dave stepping into the tub behind me, and I lean back, resting against his chest.

His strong arms wrap around me, pulling me closer, and I feel the steady rhythm of his heartbeat against my back.

"Hey, beautiful," he whispers, his breath tickling my ear. His voice is a low, comforting murmur, sending a shiver of warmth through me.

"Hey," I reply softly, turning my head to catch his lips in a gentle kiss. His lips are soft and tender, lingering just long enough to make my heart flutter.

Dave's hands move slowly, lovingly, gliding over my shoulders and down my arms. I close my eyes, losing myself in his touch.

He reaches for a washcloth, dipping it into the warm water before bringing it to my skin. He starts at my neck, the cloth moving in slow, deliberate circles, cleansing and caressing all at once.

“You feel so good," he murmurs, his lips brushing against my temple. "I love taking care of you like this."

I smile, a soft sigh escaping my lips. "I love it too," I reply. "Mm… and I love you."

His hands move lower, the washcloth tracing a path down my back.

I feel his fingers intertwine with mine, our hands submerged beneath the bubbles. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze, and I turn to look at him, meeting his gaze.

His eyes are filled with a tender affection, a love that seems to radiate from every part of him.

"I can't believe we're getting married soon," I say, my voice filled with wonder.

"I know," he replies, a grin spreading across his face. "Just you and me, forever."

I shift in the tub, turning to face him fully. My legs drape over his, and I lean in, resting my forehead against his.

Our breaths mingle, and for a moment, the world outside this bathroom ceases to exist.

"I love you so much," I whisper, my fingers tracing the line of his jaw.

"I love you too," he replies, his hands sliding up to cradle my face. He kisses me again, deeper this time, and I lose myself in the sensation of his lips, his touch, his love.

We hold each other close, our bodies entwined in the warm, fragrant water. I rest my head on his shoulder, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest.

Our kisses grow more passionate, each one sending waves of warmth through my body.

I can feel the desire building between us, a gentle but insistent current.

Dave's hands roam over my body, his touch both tender and filled with a longing that matches my own.

I respond in kind, my fingers exploring the familiar contours of his chest and shoulders.

As he pulls me closer, our bodies press together beneath the water, the heat from our skin mingling with the warmth of the bath.

His lips travel down my neck, each kiss igniting sparks of pleasure that make me shiver. I arch into him, my breath coming in soft gasps, and he responds by deepening his touch, his hands caressing every curve and dip of my body.

The water ripples around us as we move together, the intimacy of our connection deepening with each passing moment.

Dave's hands find my waist, and he gently lifts me, guiding me to straddle him. Our eyes lock, and in that gaze, I see everything, love, desire, lust, and a future we are building together.

He enters me slowly, the sensation drawing a soft moan from my lips. We move together in a slow, gentle rhythm, our bodies perfectly attuned to each other.

Every movement is filled with love, a dance of passion.

I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer, our lips meeting in a series of slow, lingering kisses.

His hands grip my hips, guiding our rhythm, and I lose myself in the pleasure that builds with each thrust.

“Dave..” I whispered, holding him close. He felt so perfect inside of me, so right.

His hands lifted out of the water, running up my waist as water dribbled away.

The room was quiet except for the gentle slosh of water, and our gentle moans.

Whispers of love fill the air, mingling with our breaths and the soft sounds of the water.

"You feel so good," he murmurs against my lips, his voice husky with emotion. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," I reply, my words punctuated by gasps of pleasure.

We move together, our passion building with each passing moment. I can feel the tension coiling within me, the anticipation of release.

Dave's hands roam over my back, pulling me closer, as if he can't get enough of me. I match his intensity, each movement driving us both closer to the edge.

"You're my everything," he whispers, his breath hot against my ear. "I want you, always."

The heat of his words sends a shiver down my spine, and I respond with a kiss that is both fervent and tender.

Our bodies are moving in perfect harmony, the rhythm of our lovemaking becoming more urgent, more insistent.

"Dave," I gasp, my fingers digging into his shoulders. "I'm so close."

"Me too," he replies, his voice strained with the effort of holding back. "Just a little more."

We hold each other tighter, our bodies pressed together as we rode the wave of passion.

The world narrows down to the sensation of his touch, the sound of his voice. With one final thrust, the tension breaks, and we came together, our cries of pleasure mixing in the steamy air.

Shudders run through our bodies, and I cling to him, feeling the aftershocks of our shared release.

Dave's arms wrap around me, holding me close as we both catch our breath. The water sloshes gently around us, a soothing contrast to our lovemaking.

For a long moment, we just hold each other, basking in the warmth and the closeness.

I rest my head on his shoulder, my heart still racing, and feel his lips press against my forehead in a tender kiss.

He runs his fingers through my hair, his touch soothing and gentle. We stay like this for what feels like an eternity, whispering sweet nothings.

"Forever," he whispers against my hair.

"Forever," I echo, my heart swelling.

#dave mustaine headcannons #dave mustaine x reader smut #dave mustaine fluff #dave mustaine x reader #dave mustaine fic #dave mustaine imagines #dave mustaine fanfiction #dave mustaine smut #dave mustaine #megadeth headcannons #megadeth x reader #megadeth smut #megadeth imagines #megadeth fanfiction #megadeth #reqs open #request #smut #smutshot #fanfic #fanfiction #oneshot #mustainegf

[writing-for-life]

WIP Wednesday

So these two are torturing me and have been for a while. It’s the sequel to “The Light of Stars” (read it! Go on, you know you want to 🤣), and I’m currently calling it “The Pillars of Creation” (that’s a reference to the clouds in the Eagle Nebula. And I’ve shamelessly also already bookmarked that one for another working title as well. Because… brain-worms. And reasons).

I still don’t write chapters in sequence, and I wrote this chapter after finishing a particularly harrowing one because I needed to clear my head. With smut 🤣 Although my fanfic smut isn’t super explicit (I think depending on your take, they’re probably rather M than E, although I have a couple of scenes in this one that straddle the line a bit).

But if you know me, you also know that my smut is never just smut for smut’s sake. After the smuttiest of smutty intros (well no, it’s not just an intro, it’s half of a 4,700 words chapter. Give them a chance to be happy for a bit 🤣), we arrive at this point. And we aren’t done after this bit either. But you’ll need to wait for the rest. The working title for this chapter is “On the Nature of Pleasure”. Maybe I should have just called it “Sex Therapy.” Because yes, I sometimes think he needs it 🙈

“You do not need to oppose me to get what you wish for.” He tried to look serious but failed miserably.

“I wouldn’t dare, and it’s not just about what I wish for.” She slid off to the floor before she hugged her knees and let her chin rest on them.

“Is it not?” Morpheus turned on his side, head on his arm, face soft, eyes shining like liquid silver. He reached out his other arm to touch her face.

She leaned into his touch. “No.”

They stayed like this for a while, just looking at each other. There was much they didn’t say out loud, and yet, they both knew what the other was thinking. She sensed what he wanted because he didn’t attempt to hide it, and what he let her see was beautiful in its unguarded vulnerability. But she also felt how hard he fought making it real, for reasons not entirely clear to her.

“Is it okay if we close off the entrance to this space?”

He nodded, and the alcove closed shut so no one on the outside would even know it existed. Some sources of soft light, suspended in mid-air, had appeared out of nowhere to illuminate what would have otherwise been a pitch-black space.

“May I ask you to sit up?” she asked quietly.

He hesitated for a moment before he did. She gently pushed apart his knees and moved between his legs before she laid her hands flat on his clothed thighs, just looking up at him.

“I still find it difficult to see you kneel before me,” he admitted.

She shifted and sat cross-legged instead, at least for the time being. “We won’t do anything you don’t want.”

His voice was hoarse when he said, “I want everything you just… perceived, but I shouldn’t.”

“Why not? Nothing about what you let me see felt wrong in any way.” She slowly ran her hands along his thighs. “It’s okay to find pleasure in something for no other reason than it feeling good, and it just being for you.”

“It should be for you first.”

She took his hand and laid it on the side of her face. “Then you will also understand how much I wish this to be for you, and for you only.” His eyes began brimming with tears he quickly blinked away. “Can you take off your clothes? With your hands?”

He hesitantly took off his shirt, discarded it to the floor and moved on to his jeans before he stopped. “Could you take them off for me?”

“Is it truly for you?”

“What?” His brow tied itself up in knots.

“Do you want me to take off your jeans because it is what you want me to do, or because you think it would please me to do so?”

“Those options might occasionally coincide—you asked me to disrobe, after all.” He blinked slowly with a soft smile. “It is for me because a tight space such as this makes it slightly cumbersome to fully undress myself—if I am to use my hands. Unless you would like me to be… smaller? Which could be arranged.”

Thalia snorted. “Okay, but you get what I’m trying to say?”

He apparently fought very hard not to laugh. “Yes.”

The atmosphere shifted again after Thalia had taken off the remainder of his clothes, and he sat in front of her naked. Not that he had ever had a problem with it in the past, but this was different.

She laid her hands on his thighs again. “What next?”

“Would you let me undress you?”

“Is it for you or for me?”

“For me.”

“Why?”

“Because I wish to look at you.”

“And you can’t do that when I’m dressed?”

“I appreciate your form.”

“And you don’t when I’m dressed?”

He glanced down at his hands for the briefest of moments. His voice was muted, but he looked straight into her eyes again when he said, “It arouses me to see you naked.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere.”

“You are impossible.”

“So you keep telling me,” she said, and he just shook his head at her. “Do you want me to stand up?”

“No.” He just waved his hand, and her clothes were gone.

“Cheat.”

“My apologies.”

They smiled at each other for a moment before she resumed. “Would you like to touch yourself?”

His reply was an immediate and resounding, “No.”

Haaaaaaa, you didn’t think you’d get all of it, did you? 🤣

I just wanted to give you a little something to tide you over. They’re very sweet. Sometimes, they’re really not (yes Thalia, I’m also looking at you!). There is a lot of exploration of abandoning control in this one, both of self and others (not just in the bedroom of course, but you know, sometimes you just have to go there 🤣). They’re also funny, in sometimes weirdly tragic ways. He’s trying so hard. He’s doing so well. Until he doesn’t. As one would expect. 😩

#sandman fic #sandman fanfiction #morpheus x oc #wip wednesday #the sandman #sandman #dream of the endless #current wip #morpheus #sandman oc #the sandman fanfic #dream of the endless x oc #the light of stars #the pillars of creation #queue crew

[leebythegods]

I discovered today that I am aromantic. This isn't completely new I've known for a while. I previously identified with aromanticism because I felt I experienced love differently from others. It wasn't any more than that.

But today, in a culmination of events, I really properly realised the truth of my aromanticism. I realised that I will likely never be in love, and that I will never be loved in any way I am able to reciprocate. I will never be able to give or receive love to the full extent and depth of how it feels natural to me.

I'm devastated. I can't explain exactly the sort of dumb struck shock I feel. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not even upset that I'll never have a partner, or a relationship - honestly that doesn't bother me. It's more that I know I am capable of love. I know because I feel it profoundly and with exceptional depth towards my friends. But one by one these friends bring home romantic partners and I am forced to confront that our love did not mean the same to them as it did to me. That most people separate the romantic and platonic, and they will never feel the same fulfillment from my love that I do from theirs. I'm devastated because I will never share a house with all of my closest friends and adopt cats and share beds and grow old under the same roof. I'm devastated because I want to be loved very very desperately, but I do not want to kiss or have sex or exclusively own a partner. I want my friends. I want somehow to be enough for them.

There is so much more I want to say about how this all feels, but I'm so tired and I feel very directionless. I can hear my friend upstairs with his partner and they are making him laugh in a way only I could before. I feel so stupid. So, so stupid, and utterly devastated. 

#aromantic #vent #im sorry to my followers i'm sure this isnt the content you wanted #i just felt i needed to put this into the world somehow #i needed it to exist outside of just myself #need to sleep on this #need to sleep in general #aroace #arospec #growing up feels so much like shrinking

[buttercupshands]

wait a minute

stop.

stop it.

#bnha #bnha manga spoilers #mha spoilers #mha 423 #I didn't hate this chapter before that #but now I am #because this is just cruel level of REMEMBER THIS????? #yes. I do remember this. I rewatched and reread this arc VERY recently #so... he killed Kurogiri with a punch like the one he did in USJ and again to save Izuku #I don't care honestly. #I reread this chapter and I cried again bc I REALLY refused to believe that Kurogiri died then #but he did with a death words to Shirakumo's friends and recall of old chapters #even if people want Tenko alive I doubt that Kurogiri will ever materialize again #and I'm deadly serious when I say that this is the worst part of this chapter #I worried for Kurogiri's existence ever since it was revealed that Shirakumo is in there #but that literally took FIVE YEARS TO APPEAR AGAIN HAVING AN IMPORTANT ROLE #and he left while crumbling just like Tomura's body before Katsuki hit him #and the last thing he thought about was about protecting Tomura even though he was partly Shirakumo's dead corpse appearing more and more #even Mic now understood that it's really is him in a way ending his arc from back in Tartarus with Aizawa #and you know what's worse??? TOMURA KNOWS THIS #the way he used “...........” with Kurogiri's name while the page literally showed his black smoke disappearing was heartbreaking before #it's worse now #like... okay he's dying too and he doesn't even know if spinner is ALIVE or not and he saw Kurogiri disappear #all while protecting him from harm one last time #AND WE STILL HAVE NO FUCKING FLASHBACKS OF HIS TIME WITH TOMURA OUTSIDE OF WHAT WE HAD IN MANGA #I'm getting more and more furious by the minute HAHA #I need to find that one sketch I did way back in 2019 with them after spoilers of Kurogiri in Tartarus #I NEED SOMETHING LIKE THAT NOW AND I CAN'T DRAW #I want to just curl up and cry myself to sleep like a 13 y.o that found out the bird that she looked after died while she was sleeping #kurogiri

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

why is job hunting.

that's it that's the post

#this is both radicalizing me even more & absolutely harshing my mellow #why. do i need. to communicate with a 'virtual assistant'. to apply at hot fucking topic #you know? maybe i Dont need to apply there. who wants em #everywhere is like you need This This and This #oh look an entry level job! aaaand i need a thousand certifications #Excuse Me Where Do People Who Have Done Nothing With Their Life Thus Far Apply??? #why do jobs exist. why cant we all just vibe huh #each application feels like a new death sentence #cant wait to work myself into the ground for a company that views me as nothing but an easily replaceable part! yeehaw! #cant wait to sacrifice my personal time / hobbies / wellbeing for a nine-to-five 5 days a week job i hate! #absolutely unprompted #this world we live in is miserable and infuriating and i want to SHAKE PEOPLE #fucking!! look outside!!! value yourself!! the company is not your family!! they are not worth dying for!! we are all worth so much more!! #gonna go out in the middle of a field and SCREAM #humans are made for art and kindness and for enjoying the short life we're forced into #why make an already doomed existence even worse huh. #why subject ourselves to that. we deserve better. our pasts deserve better. our futures deserve better. #sorry sorry im just. ARGH. this world!!! this life!!! could be so good!!! #but late stage capitalism rampant corruption among Many Other Issues said noooooooo #happiness is illeeegallllll #what if i BITE you. huh. what then. die #every time i sit down to apply i have to actively Not Think About It or i'll delete all my tabs and stop before i start #we as humans are not built for this life... we did not evolve proclivity for kindness and art just to stress ourselves to death #over silly jobs that do Not require the level of dedication we are forced to apply #abolish the 5 day 40+ hour work week... decrease the horrifying amount of funding given to cops and the military... etc... #i think i need to go lie down for a minute im feeling Too Much Anger at the absolute state of things #so happy to be an american. (sarcasm sarcasm sarcasm)

[kyrri0]

i don't think kanan is good at being alone. he's someone that really greatly benefits from constantly being around other people.

he grew up in the jedi order, a whole community in the same building, he would always be around other younglings, and later on constantly with his master.

and then order 66 happens, and he's (understandably) not doing well, not helped by the fact that he's actually alone with his thoughts for the first time in his life. not that loneliness alone fucked him up but it cant have helped, and probably also created an association between being alone and literally the worst time in his life, being hunted and catastrophising that he'a going to die.

then he meets hera, and he's living in a tiny ship in close quarters with someone else, and he's not alone anymore. he sees hera's conviction to make change in the galaxy and it starts to pull him out of his alcoholism and his despondency and it makes him better. it reminds him that hey its not all terrible doom ahead of us, there are people who believe in a better world, and he wouldn't have reached that point on his own (considering a new dawn is like 7?? years after o66, he was coping he wasn't living). and then again with ezra, he grapples with inadequacy but he's not left to basically sit and brood about how much he sucks. it is partly out of necessity beacuse ezra is depending on him, but also that the expectation of him to do better does make him better, because he doesn't let himself fall into a deeper spiral and it pushes him into believing in himself, and that aids in his ability to actually do the thing and work on himself.

and after malachor, he distances himself. at the start of s3 hera talks to him like he's a stranger, almost, because he stopped opening up and stopped letting himself be part of a family and he made himself alone, and got so bad that bendu had to force an emotional realisation out of him. trauma can obviously manifest and affect people in different ways, and it is realistic that kanan is extremely emotionally affected by everything and doesn't just bounce back like nothing happened, but i do think its significant that when kanan's mental health is terrible the show makes it a point of telling us he's been isolating himself. he's deliberately separating himself from his family. it is a textbook sign of Not Doing Great, but i think it also reflects how well kanan copes when he's on his own. there are people who do perfectly fine or after prolonged periods of not really interacting with people, but i dont think that's kanan. when he's alone he's clouded, he gets lost in his emotions, and its important that other people are there; it reminds him what's important and what he's capable of.

basically i think when he gets left alone for too long it gets much easier for the self doubt to creep in, and he starts contemplating the hopelessness of existence, then he spends 5 minutes with hera and realises his last 2 days worth of brooding was decidedly Not Normal.

#inspired by me getting incredibly depressed during school holidays because i go from daily social interaction to 0 social interaction #its such a noticable pattern for me and i CANNOT sit alone with myself for too long at this point it makes me worse #like yes everyone needs some time alone to think and reflect etc but if i go like more than 3 days #i start actively getting worse #i think kanan is the same he benefits a lot from having other people around him reminding him hey the outside world exists #kanan jarrus #star wars rebels #skribbles ! #its 3.32 am right now and i took a very important 3 hour math exam this morning so if this isnt entirely coherent thats why #and i cant sit and think on this for several hours bc there are more exams to come </3 #i just think being alone is Bad for him #more so than other people

[skitskatdacat63]

I feel uninspired and lack motivation for art again so I thought of an ask game for me :)

Send me(or comment) a number from 1-34 and I will draw my corresponding oc

I mentally struggled over whether I should make this post, because ik ocs are niche and probably not many people care for it, but I realized I could have been using those hours to y'know. Actually draw something. So I might as well just post it

#i would do it with AUs but i would actually have to yknow think of a narrative #<- but tbh if you have any requests for au art i will take them 😭😭 #also w that and this i cant make any promises if ill actually finish them so please put up w me thanks 🙏 #i want to draw but #ive gotten into a bad mindset again #about measuring self worth w outside validation #which is very irritating 😾 stop it brain. #but yeah idk i reblog those posts often abt niche audiences #which im very okay w btw :) #but its still a very difficult thing to engrain that: ah people do care for my art! #and ik its unhealthy to seek validation #and i can and do draw for myself #but its not always fun to me if i cant discuss it yknow :/ #if catie makes a piece of art in a silent room does the art really exist? blah blah blah #i need to go suffocate myself in the snow #im happy my winter break is so long but at the same time i think it just puts me in a bad place mentally #lack of social interaction and lack of enrichment and no motivation ig :/ #and every night i mean to actually go to bed earlier and boom suddenly its 5 am #and i keep staying up in hopes ill actually yknow start something. art. writing. movie even #and then i just languish UGH #catie.rambling.txt

[schadenfreudich]

My existence is a trauma response and I think that shows

#do i have a personality disorder or am i the personality disorder #no but like. the way i act makes a lot more sense when you know why i exist and how i was for the first years #we can all be glad. you didn't know me back then. because i was so much worse and barely self aware #like. i do tend to look at my headmates who deal with this much better and how they do it. but that's just because i see them from an #outside perspective and myself from inside. i don't doubt some of them are just good at hiding their issues by taking care of others #but i'm really not a caring person. nor do i think i'd be good at it. and no one is expecting me to be that #like. we're a big. mostly functioning. partially traumagenic system. of course we have headmates who are good at emotional support #and headmates who. i dunno. do other stuff #if you asked my headmates what positives i bring to our system. they would give you so many cheesy answers #or focus on the fact that when i formed. i did have a protective function that just isn't needed in that form anymore #which i mean. yeah. i guess #-lutz

[running-in-the-dark]

sooooo

I'm 32 now

when can I expect to finally grow out of getting obsessed with men people stuff? I'm waiting....

#I doooo not want it #it's embarrassing #can it stop please #BUT also can I not feel depressed and like an empty shell when it's not happening #I mean I can handle it when it's things. hobbies. shows. whatever #sure it usually ends up being expensive as fuck but #at least I don't go around humiliating myself by talking about nothing but a random guy for months on end #how embarrassing! I think a man is hot! I must jump off a cliff immediately #but whyyyy can't I be normal about it at least #other people get obsessed with normal things! like. idk. anything else #soo anyway the opening narration for the texas chainsaw massacre is great isn't it? he did such a good job :) what a nice voice :) I am not #going to be weird about this man any longer :) no I won't! I'm normal about him! I don't want to bite him or chew on his face or anything #like that. just normal things. uh. sex? that's what people usually want. yeah fine that. I mean I do. want. oh I think I'm doing it again #haha no it's fine I just think he's neat (he's the only person on earth no one else exists anymore he's so beautiful oh my god have you seen #his little face he looks like a cute little potato I've never seen anything prettier in my life haha I need to run my hands through his hair #and have you seen how tall he is and he's so cute and I need to. be taken outside and shot. god. #I keep. shrieking. every time I see him. at such a high frequency that it hurts my own fucking ears. because. I can't believe that he exists #I'm. so. stupid!!!! #annnd repeat this every time this happens blah blah blah i should jsut delete this blog right now oh my GOD.

[obitv]

oh my god a luka cover of aishite exists. miku move over

#was just thinking to myself the only reason i like miku more than luka is bc the obly vocaloud songs i know outside games are miku songs #BUT I FORGOT COVERS EXIST i need to see if this is on spotify

[arcaneyouth]

this shit really makes it hard to want to do anything to distract myself

#vent post #negative #want to play a game to calm myself down? yeah that's not going to help. that's a nice reminder of everything. #want to work on my comic? keenly aware of how much i need to code my own website before webtoon and tumblr fuck themselves over for good #want to watch youtube? keenly aware of how much youtube wants its creators dead too #ok maybe i'll cross stitch. but i'm aware i'm only doing it because its one of the few things available to me anymore #read a book? guess what industry ALSO wants its creators dead! #i can't enjoy any of this because i feel sick #can't even go outside and enjoy myself there's nothing out there for me to even do #that doesnt stave anything off i'm just going to have a breakdown but i'm outside now #the world gets smaller. #i know it will get better. as everything burns a better life will come out of it. #but i don't know how to be ok with experiencing the now while i wait for the better to come #even as i try to look into 'the good industries' so maybe i can survive in this world with an ok job #there's nothing there #i know better than to expect anything perfect but Everything Wants Me Dead #i want the bare minimum of Doesn't Want Me Dead and it doesn't exist #what do i even do. all i can do is keep going while hoping for a miracle.

[ghostboyjules]

keepin it fully 100 if I'm not touched in a way that makes me feel loved soon I may very well Lose It™

#🤪teehee I'm at my fuckin limit #I feel. actually helpless and hopeless in regards to this like. I usually have ideas about what to do about things even if I don't like it. #but I'm. I just. I. don't know. #I don't know how to ask for what I need and I don't know how to get it and I don't know who to ask and I #I just don't know. like how do I attach some sort of sign to myself that says : #I just need someone I trust to walk up and hug me or something without acknowledging it ig Idk. #i wanna cry abt it but my head already hurts and crying would undoubtedly make it worse 💀 #Idk how to talk abt this outside of rambling or sounding like a whiny lil asshole so no need to say anything #if anyone reads this. but. I'm just tired. I'm gonna. go to sleep I think. #jules.intothevoid✨ #jules.txt✨ #actually no fuckin scratch that doesn't even have to be loved. I'd take liked! desired! accepted! like I'm a person! like I exist! #anything.

[toastsnaffler]

my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/

#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man #i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks #and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig #even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them- #better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them #like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it #hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders #for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee #the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want #me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so! #anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too #its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh #we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its #kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way #im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily #cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction #its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things #for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a #want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them #and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎 #i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay. #.vent

[psalmsofpsychosis]

one thing about me is, i'll always always always value creativity and experimental ideas and stories and new structure-breaking narratives above established "commonly valued" creations, even if the creative idea's execution is less than ideal, even if the established story is "perfect and spotless". Like, i literally dont care, unconventional and paculiar and unexpected works of art are infinitely more valuable to me whether in subpar execution state or in perfect structure. If you did it differently and did it your way your creation will always be more important to me than any predictable and "proper" narrative made in complete and utter obedience of well reinforced explicit and implicit rules. "this is very well made in all the technicalities look at all these clean details—" catch me give a fuck. It's cliche, repetitive, it's boring, i dont care. We live in a time where obedience of known metrics seemingly ranks higher than any form of outside-the-box creativity and i'm done with it. Say something new, say something personal, say something earnest and paculiar and weird or i'm out of this theater.

#in semi continuous of the same notes; if you look up in the dictionary the definition of madness is me asking for feedback on my writing #from people who are knee deep in traditional structures and have not tried a single new imagery in their entire life #like babygirl they wont love you!!!! by definition they're looking at you from a place of dismay because you're going #against their ingrained value; you're undermining the predictable known forms they love so dearly!!!! #there's no way someone like that can offer any kind of coherent and geniune feedback on your work because –hear me out– #THEY DONT FUCKING VALUE WHAT YOU DO #like their baseline attitude is ''i couldn't care less if what you created didn't exist it's irrelevant to me'' THAT'S NOT A PERSON #WHO'S GONNA HELP YOU HONE YOUR CRAFT THEY DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR CRAFT #''i dont like poetry but–'' ''i dont write in this style but–'' ''i dont read these kinda stuff but–'' the conversation is over. #there's no buts. by the principle of being outside the framework you do not have the level of appreciation expertise and nuance it takes #to offer valuable and applicable feedback and your take may be fun but it's irrelevant ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #also another form of the barely disguised disdain is ''your creation will only be valuable if it's executed to utter perfection'' and no. #everyday i wake up and see mediocre people #celebrating utterly bland and boring mediocre writing like it's the last day of their fucking lives. #i'll not be held to standards of ''perfect performance'' just because you dont have the balls #to say that you dont enjoy and have no appreciation for creativity and experimental efforts #''it needs to be better'' is just a polite way of saying #''i dont love this but i feel bad about it so i'll trick you and myself into thinking i'll love it if it's done faultless'' #there's no stage in which an effort in creativity will be faultless to you because the fault #to you #IS the creativity and deviation from the norms. #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #anyway good morning in this house we have absolutely zero value for bland cliche stereotypical generic things 🌸✨️ #on art #on writing

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the #best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b #like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional #control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood #weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start #crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way #not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things. #thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi #now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me. #working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning & #prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st. #task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in #this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do #moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an #then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose #things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the #picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to #absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal #away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i #still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop #switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping #would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is #but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually #unrelated #i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static #but focus is not a thing i cna control

[the-yearning-astronaut]

Send a few good vibes my way if you can spare any. I've put out two applications -- one for a week and a half summer workshop about a new astronomy research method and another for a post baccalaureate research position with NASA. Being accepted into either would be a huge boost on any grad school application and to my CV. But the second would be a full time job out of state. Which means I'd be out of this house.

I need something to change. And soon. Whether it be a full time research position or the CV boost I need to get into grad school next year. Just. Something.

#i turn 30 in just under 3 weeks #i need some forward momentum in my life rn #i need to have my own place and i need to get away from shitfest that is my family life #i love my family dearly but i cant handle the BS of living here anymore #im 78% certain that my chronic conditions would be much easier to manage and id have much fewer flare ups #if i could just remove myself from the constant stress of this household #last summer i had a full time internship has a national park ranger #and despite the almost daily physical requirements and being outside in the summer heat etc #i only had MAYBE 3-4 flare ups the entire 3 months i was there #rather than the 3-4 i have a month now #my pain was less my sleep was better my eczema was almost non-existent #my autonomic dysfunction was the only thing that would act up semi regularly but even those instances were mild and manageable #my current job is shite #as much as i love the work itself the management is trash and my stress has been climbing exponentially #which means the frequency and strength of flare ups has also been increasing #im so tired #fox thoughts