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h0nology · 11 months

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For The Cameras (Part 2)

sorry, this took so long guys, had a lot going on. hope you enjoy!

read part one here

warnings: fluff, angst, crying, slight bullying, kissing, cussing

It’s been one month since that night in Pedro’s suite, and it’s never been brought up after that. But you could tell it was on his mind as much as it was on yours. He was inviting you out more, not just as his assistant either. You’ve had a few casual dinner dates, the other week you two went out for sushi, and now the two of are walking the streets of New York looking for a nice place to get coffee.

You were always worried about paparazzi catching you two out together, and how the media would make it look. But your just his assistant, that’s all you are. To their eyes at least.

“Oh, look. Perfect.” Pedro snaps you out your thoughts, pointing to a little coffee shop up ahead.

You decide to push your thoughts to the side, smiling at him as you two approached the shop. He held the door open for you and you made your way inside, the smell of coffee beans and fresh pastries taking over your nose. You two approached the counter, where the young girl working there didn’t even realize the two of you were standing there, too busy chatting with her coworker.

“Excuse us.” You say politely.

Her head whips towards you, then the man next to you. You watched as her gaze softened and her eyes grew wider as she looked at Pedro.

“H-hi, sorry, what can I get for you?” She continues to look at Pedro.

“You know what you’re getting?” Pedro looks over at you, “Uh yea…I’ll take the iced chai latte and a cheese Danish.” You tell her.

“And for you, sir?”

You know she was just some crazed teenage fan but you couldn’t help but cringe at her, you wanted to roll your eyes and walk away but then you’d be the childish one here. After Pedro ordered and paid, you two looked around for somewhere to sit.

“Want to sit outside?” Pedro asks.

Was that really the best idea? No, but you really didn’t want to deal with that girl anymore. You shook your head, following Pedro outside where you two sat alone.

“Okay, so, you have a meeting on the fourteenth and after that you have a fitting for the—”

Pedro placed his hand over your notebook, “I don’t want to talk about that. I just want to talk. To you, not my assistant.”

“But I spent a lot of time organizing this.” You frown slightly, Pedro removes his hand and looks at the neat handwriting, with some doodles here and there.

“I know, and I appreciate that.” He placed his hand over yours, “But I want to talk about you.”

You slowly close your notebook, sliding it back in your bag. You didn’t stay up past midnight for nothing, he was reading those pages in that notebook eventually.

“Okay, what do you want to know?” You shrug.

“What is it that you like to do during your free time?"

“Funny of you to assume that I get free time.” You slightly laugh.

“Oh whatever, yeah right!” Pedro laughs, waving you off, “I am not that hard to work for!”

You join in on the laughter, “I don’t know…you can be sassy sometimes.”

“Sassy?!” He was genuinely in shock.

“Yes!” You argued back, the laughing taking over, “Get this, get that. Did you do this?” You mocked him.

“I don’t sound like that!”

“You do!—”

“Here’s your latte and Danish.” The cashier from earlier appeared out of nowhere, “And here’s your coffee, sir. Enjoy!” She smiles before scurrying off.

“I don’t get how you drink that.” You cringe, shaking your head, “It’s good!” He defends, “Try it!”

“I’ll be up for three days if I even take a sip of that.”

“Cmon, you know you want to.” He says and before your even able to respond, he’s holding his cup up to your lips.

Against your will, you take a tiny sip of the absurdly strong coffee.

“Yeah, that’s disgusting.” You stick your tongue out, trying to get the taste out of your mouth.

“You just like that overly sweet shit.” Pedro mugs your chai, “Yes, yes I do.” You take a sip from your overly sweet shit.

“Back to the question though...”

“I don’t do much.” You shrug, “Watch a movie, read a book…crotchet.”

“You sound like a old lady.”

“Okay, that’s enough, old man.” You playfully rolled your eyes at him.

The two of you talked for a couple hours after that, enjoying the company and the New York breeze. You were finally able to go over Pedro’s schedule with him after damn near begging him to let you pull out your notebook.

“How are you going to stop me from doing my job?”

“You’re not working right now.” Pedro shrugs, slight smile on his face.

“I am always working, Mr. Sassy.”

Once the two of you had wrapped up your coffee date, you were walking the streets of New York again, you really didn’t know where your destination was, but you enjoyed just being there with him. The walk didn’t last long, you two ending up at a random park that wasn’t too packed. You sat on the bench, by the pond, watching the ducks go in and out the water.

You sat in a comfortable silence, the sounds of nature doing most of the talking. You hated to be one of those people, but you couldn’t help but pull out your phone, beginning to scroll through social media. Your timeline was the same as usual, boring, until something caught your eye. As you scrolled through your explore page you couldn’t help but click on the picture of you and Pedro that had been taken hours ago! How were they so quick?! Where were they even at? You knew sitting outside was risky but you didn’t even see anyone with a camera!

“Pedro and mystery woman out today in New York!”

fan1: not a mystery woman, just his assistant!

fan2: that’s just his assistant

fan3: looks like a date to me

You couldn’t help but to look through the comments, making your stomach turn and your mouth twist. Just his assistant. That’s all you were. You knew you shouldn’t have, but you continued to scroll through the familiar posts. And sure enough, there it was, the girl from the coffee shop. She had snuck a picture of you and Pedro from inside the shop.

“pedro came into my job today!!! his assistant was kinda rude but pedro was a sweetheart as usual I love him sm 😭🥹”

Your eyebrows furrow, “How was I rude?” You whisper.

“What?” Pedro asked, still looking at the pond ahead of him before turning to you since you didn’t answer, “What? What are you looking at?” He tries to peek at your phone.

You turn off your phone, “I don’t know what this is, or what we have going on. But to them, to the public I’ll always just be your assistant. That’s all I am.”

“No.” Pedro sighs, “That’s not all you are. You’re not just my assistant, you mean way more than that to me.”

“They don’t know that, Pedro!” You turn and look at him, “Does it matter if they know? You and I know that.” He says.

“Do I?!” You stood from the bend, “Pedro I’m not going to continue to do this if I’m just going to remain hidden away! I-” Your voice started to crack, “I can’t, I can’t just be your little secret.” You cry.

Oh, there's no way you're standing here crying in the middle of the park right now you thought to yourself. Pedro sat there, looking for something to say, anything to say but he knew anything he said right now wouldn’t help at all, so he remained silent. His heart breaking at the sight of you crying. How could such a perfect day be ruined?

You sat there and watched him sit in silence, waiting for his response but he had nothing.

“Right.” You sniffed, grabbing your bag off the bench before storming off, Pedro calling and following after you.

You remember that day like it was yesterday. Pedro had followed you throughout the whole park, up until you got in a cab. That was a month ago. Of course, you had to see him, which actually sucked but you kept it professional. You did your job and went home. That was it. That’s how it was, until Pedro decided that he was inviting you and the rest of the team to yet another event.

You got annoyed even thinking about it. Having to deal with him, Veronica and a whole bunch of press, cameras and social media. It made you sick, you just wanted to get it over with.

“The car will be here in ten minutes.”

“Could you help me tie this?” Pedro asks as he struggled with the tie he was putting on, “Ask your girlfriend.” You muttered.

You knew what he was trying to do, you knew. You had seen this man tie his own tie thousands of times.

“I’m asking you.”

Your mind told you no. No, just leave the room and wait for him in the lobby. But your feet had failed you, reluctantly (but really eagerly) walking over towards him. He had a toothpick in his mouth for some reason, eyes burning into your skin as you tied the tie.

What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?! You thought to yourself.

“You look gorgeous.” Pedro’s eyes scan over you, all you had worn was another black dress. This one was a baby doll dress, a bit longer than the other one and it had one sleeve.

You had tried a little more this time. Doing more with your makeup, you had found the time to purchase some not so mediocre accessories and you had did something different with your hair.

“I’ll meet you in the lobby, Mr. Pascal.” You finish up with his tie, grabbing your things you had put down and walking out the door.

You scolded yourself as you walked through the halls, why would you do that? Give into him like that, so easily. I mean, who wouldn’t?

You shrugged your thoughts off, standing in the lobby waiting for Pedro and Veronica to appear. You haven’t even seen her at all today, you roll your eyes, hoping she was ready because you didn’t want to be late.

The elevator dinged and to your surprise, out came Pedro without Veronica clinging onto his arm.

“Are you ready?” Pedro looks at you, then eventually the rest of his little entourage.

“Where is Veronica, Mr. Pascal?” You roll your eyes over towards his, “She’s meeting us at the venue.” He says, “Now, shall we?”

You look at his hand that he held out, waiting for you to grab it, but instead you put your hand on the small of his back, guiding him towards the door.

“I’m not going out until you say it.”

You wanted to throw a tantrum like a child, this man was working your last nerve. And for what? Because he wouldn’t admit that you were just his assistant, his little secret!

“Remember, big smiles, big smiles. And breathe.” You reluctantly had said, gaining a smile from Pedro as he pushed the door open.

As soon as he stepped outside the cameras began to flick and the fans started to scream, you walked out behind him, having to stop every time he did to talk with a fan.

“We need to be at the venue in fifteen minutes.” You whispered, not wanting to keep that rude label that had been put on you.

“Let’s just pose for a photo and be on our way.”

You went to step out his way as he turned to face the cameras, but he had grabbed you before you could, snaking his hand around your waist as he pulled you closer to him. Not wanting to cause a scene, you awkwardly smile, looking every and which way. After a few photos, you walked to the car together, Pedro helping you in before he had got in himself.

“What are you doing?!” You whisper yelled, not wanting to get the attention of the others in the car.

Pedro shrugs, “Taking a picture.”

You roll your eyes, turning your body to look outside the window. You didn’t even give your regular speech like you did before all of his events, the stubbornness in you wouldn’t let you. You just wanted to get tonight over with.

The ride there was short, pulling up to the little red carpet that had been set up. You all got out the car, making your way over towards the carpet. Trina, Veronica’s assistant had texted you while you were in the car letting you know that they would be a little late, meaning Pedro had to walk the carpet alone.

“Give me your stuff.” You held your hands out to Pedro, and he hands you his phone and a few other things, “Veronica is running late, you have to walk alone.”

“Walk alone?”

“That’s what I just said.” You sarcastically smile, “Walk it again when she gets here, that simple.”

Pedro went to say something, but you pushed him towards the carpet, people starting to swarm him already. You stayed behind, watching from a distance as he posed for pictures and eventually got pulled to the side for a interview. That was your cue to make your way towards him, knowing how some of these interviewers could be.

“Hey!” Veronica’s voice calls out behind you, part of you wanted to keep walking but you knew she’d just keep calling you.

You turn to face her, the beauty queen walking up to you in a silk yellow gown.

“I don’t know what little game you’re playing—”

“Whoa.” You stop her, “Wh-what are you talking about?”

“Don’t play dumb with me! I saw those pictures of the two of you. If you ever even think about coming between me and Pedro, I’ll make sure you won’t hear the end of it.” She threatened, stepping a little closer to you, “I’ll have you labeled as a home wrecker!” She spat.

“You g—”

“What the hell are you even talking about?” Pedro’s voice says from behind you, startling you both.

He steps in between the two of you, “What are you? Crazy? We aren’t in a fucking relationship, Veronica.”

“Pedro, we have an image to protect.” Veronica argues.

“An image?” He laughs, “This isn’t real, Veronica! What we have isn’t real! It never has been, and it never will be, okay? This is all a part of a stupid contract!” He throws his hands up in frustration, “A piece of paper!” He yells.

His voice had gotten the attention of a few people, but they seemed to ignore it.

“Okay let’s just remember where we’re at, guys.” You say.

“I don’t care.” Pedro says, “If I ever catch you talking to her like that again, I will not hesitate to put a end to this and let the world know why we’re really together.”

You had never seen him so mad before. You hate to admit it, but it was really kind of hot.

“Okay…um, let’s just take a breather. You two can walk the carpet—” You began to speak.

“No, I’m ready to go.” Pedro shook his head.

“Pedro!” Veronica scolds.

“No, I’m not doing this tonight.” He shook his head once again, “Come on.” He grabs your hand, leading you over towards the car.

“Mr. Pascal!” You called out, “Stop calling me that.” He warned as he opened the car door.

You climb inside and he shuts the door, making his way over tow the other side. What is going on? Why is everything happening so fast?

“Do you know where we’re going?” The driver asks.

“Back to the hotel.” You say questionably.

Pedro gets in on his side and slams the door as the driver takes off.

“Why would you do that?!” You slightly yell, “And we’re just going to leave the others here? We c—”

Before you could finish your sentence, his hands were cuffing your face and his lips were on yours. Bolts of electricity jumped throughout your body, you melt into him as he kissed you so gently yet so passionately and needfully. He pulled you over towards him, lips leaving from your lips to kiss on your exposed neck.

Neck kisses were your weakness.

“Pedro.” You softly moan.

His lips continue to suck on your neck, obviously not caring where the two of you were at. The kiss grew more needy over time, you had completely forgotten why you weren’t even talking to him an hour ago.

“P-Pedro, we can’t.” You moaned, “We can’t.”

“You don’t understand how badly I want you.” He says into your ear.

“We’ve already been over this, Pedro.” You stop him from kissing on you, “I can’t be your little secret.”

You two eventually parted from each other, smoothing out your dress as the driver pulled up to the hotel. You thanked and apologized to the driver as you got out, Pedro following behind you.

“You’re not.” Pedro says behind you, but you continue to walk, pushing the button for the elevator.

“Listen to me.” He steps in front of you, “You’re not just a little secret, you’re so much more than that.”

“Pedro.” You stop him, getting onto the elevator that has already had people on it.

He comes in after you, quietly greeting the couple already in the elevator. He stood next to you, damn near biting his tongue as you impatiently waited for your floor. Of course, he followed after you when you got off.

“You don’t understand. Ever since I first met you, since I’ve laid my eyes on you…It’s always been you. I’ve always wanted you, and only you. I just didn’t say anything, because of the stupid contract I have with Veronica…” He sighs, “You’re not a secret, I’ll tell the whole world right now—”

“You can’t do that, Pedro.” You shake your head, “It’ll ruin both of our reputations and—”

You wished he could. You wish you didn’t care so much about what the media thought and said, that you two could be together freely.

“I don’t care about that! I don’t! I don’t care about the social media and the press, what people say! I care about you.”

Your heart yearned for his touch, for his lips to be on yours again, to be held by him. But you can’t, it’s not right.

“Goodnight, Pedro.”

reader getting on yall nerves?? part 3???

tags: @still-wanna-be-corrupted @kittenlittle24 @marchai @aestheticangel612 @southernbe @quinnsgrapejuice @writerrinthedarksblog @brittmb115 @oberynslady @ghostofjoharvelle

#pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal instagram #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal imagine #pedro pascal fic #pedro x reader #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal #social media #social media au #fake insta post #fake instagram #i literally havent slept trying to finish this #sorry for the wait

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jekyll-doodles · 12 hours

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#swear im not dead just finishing up the school year and making sure i have a job next semester #Painting with oils on a school thing and Finishing a mom day gift and starting work on a commission And Getting Barely Enough Sleep #wanna do stuff with everything and nothing all at once i am frazzled #thank you all so much for the patience i havent been able to upload for the last two or so sundays that should change soon #i wanna wanna write so more of those wakey wakey logs and interviews too because that was really fun to do so maybe that soon #also. and i have no.. no way to set it up Right Now but i yhink itd be fun.y to have a similar thing but with the deltarune au with susie #foundation staff asking about her uncle and she answers based on what she knows. i think itll be funny. hes literally just Her Uncle to her #but ill ill have to think of how to. to set that up. if i wanna draw it or do it log form. same with the wakey wakey ones #like the dissonance between what the foundation knows and what she knows is hilarious to me.#its them asking her if shes noticed anything Off or strange about him and her saying that Yeah He Sleeps Under Like 10 Weighted Blankets.#followed by mentioning that hes apparently always slept like that according to her parents ever since he was a kid. still weird but not new #but anyway its ver late for me rn i am gonna sleep and then. try my best to do at least half of what i need to do tommorrow #cornholes painted. start commission. mom gift. job email thing. laundry. uuuuuuuuhhh... maybe finsih one of 20 or 30 wips i have ....#there was something else too. kofi stuff i think idk #delete later

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1980ssunflower · 1 year

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thinks abt ryan too hard and just fucking dies

#i havent slept dhfjsk #gonna try to sleep for a while now... but guh my sleep schedule is fucked rn hgdfjk #idk aaahh i havent even started my christmas comic yet there is literally no way itll be ready in time aaaaaaaa #its such a cute comic idea tho... i still want to make it but ill probably be posting it pretty late lmao #if it ends up being posted in 2023 im gonna fr explode and die #i drew this ryan as a warmup to see if i can still draw after all this time and tbh he looks SO good... i keep staring at it hes so pretty #ill have to wait until after the comic tho to finish working on it #he looks beautiful tho #i hope i can continue drawing in that style tbh its very nice #tape entry circa 1980

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kings-highway · 6 months

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I read Time Enough yesterday from start to finish (yes I had other things to do, no that did not stop me) and I am still thinking about it. I left a little comment but I wanted to say more. (Sorry if this is a bit incomprehensible, I'm Very tired)

Your angst is always written in such an immersive and impressive way, but this story in particular hit so strongly. I thought it was so well done. Everything Daichi did and felt was so believable. And the feelings of having to move through a life like that was absolutely heart breaking. The relationships were so believable and idk how to phrase it other than genuine? Realistic?

It was just such an intense and beautiful piece, and Daichi's journey/cycle of monotony to acting out to trying to find stability again was so well done and so relatable. I was right along with him at one point like "obviously he has to learn a lesson here, but come on he did! He's trying to live life more!" Only to realize at the end that he still really wasn't, not really, not in the way that really allowed him to appreciate it. It wasn't that he needed to appreciate life by acting more or less predictable, it's that he needed to learn to appreciate life by appreciating his own, by learning to take care of himself, by asking for help and letting others take care of him. I've read several of your stories now where this is a major theme for him and I was STILL too immersed in his mindset to see it right away! That's very good writing imo <3

If you want to answer (ik some people don't like explaining story choices and that's fine too! I have my theories) what moment in that last day was it that broke the loop? Or was there no one moment, but just the process of the day itself and those leading up to it that did it?

First, thank you so much for leaving such a lovely and sincere ask in my inbox. You've got my giggling and kicking my feet like a child on christmas. It means so much that someone like you is reading and appreciating my work 🤍🤍

Second, I dont mind answering at all! I know a few others had speculated regarding the circumstances of the time loop so I can definitely share my decision making process

[Spoilers for literally nearly every chapter of Time Enough below, if you havent read it yet.]

And the answer is... Nothing.

Though that doesnt mean it wasnt intentional on my part, that nothingness means something to me.

The logic of the time loop is simply "sometimes time gets stuck in a loop, and unfortunately this time Daichi is aware of it." There is no real reason why it breaks on that specific day that it does, it could have just as easily broken the day before or the day after or in twelve years.

While I played around with the idea of Daichi having to "break" it in some way, there was no version of that that didnt position someone in his life as more important than another, or incite further questions about the universe. (although it does make me giggle imagining if the second half took a sharp left turn into Daichi and Oikawa hunting and fighting aliens.)

You could read this story as a metaphor for depression or burnout, optionally.

The truth is, every choice Daichi made always mattered. Each day did not come with definitive evidence that it would loop again into the next, it just coincidentally did for approximately two years. As suddenly and jarringly as it breaks in the 11th chapter, that could have been any chapter. Thats why so many end with the 00:00 moment, because it wasn't a given and it was important to mention. What would have happened if it had broken after he's slept with and romanced Oikawa? [Would he have pursued this new connection? left it as a one night stand? how would his life have moved forward after that kind of insane connection as Oikawa would believe he had his time loop experience?] What would have happened if it had broken after Tendou had been hit by the truck? [Tendou would be dead - what will he tell anyone?] What if it had broken after punching Iwaizumi? While he's standing, frostbitten in Iceland? After any random day he thought didnt matter? After he kills himself?

Daichi was never any more safe from his consequences in the loop as he was in linear time, he just got lucky.

And thats the point. How many times have you [the reader] skipped a class because its "boring and repetive?" phone in an essay because its "just" 10%? declined to hang out with a friend you havent seen in a while because "eh, maybe next weekend."

Choices always matter. Even if you think you have calculated the worst possible end, every single day has the ability to dramatically shift the direction of your life if you use it right. There is no such thing as a day that doesnt matter.

As a metaphor for depression and burnout, you're absolutely right. Daichi's loop is broken the moment he tells Suga that he'll let him take care of him. The moment he admits there's a problem and makes a promise he intends to keep. The act of loving and being loved in return is scary and difficult but sometimes it is the only way to succeed. [Its important here to mention that this is not romantic love I refer to.] And that means trying. Agreeing to do something you think is pointless [Daichi doesnt believe a psychiatrist can help; its a time loop] but he trusts Suga anyway and agrees sincerely.

As a story, it was nothing anyone did.

Daichi just got lucky that when the loop broke he was safe and surrounded by people who would care for him.

Free will and individual agency are massive themes in my stories and perhaps thats just a product of my own current age and experience. I think in a lot of ways I havent quite gotten the hang of it myself even if I understand it in my mind. Understanding it intuitively is a lot harder.

But it gets a little bit easier for me when I can write it out and share it with people like you who care as much for these characters and stories and appreciate them in the same way.

Thank you so much for asking <3 Inbox is always open and yall can message me any time if you wanna chat about anything to just scream. [The chickens in my brain will do their best to scream back.]

#haikyuu fanfiction writer #haikyuu fanfiction #daichi sawamura

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worstloki · 4 years

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Amora: if you die WHO is going to have subtextually homoerotic sword fights with me that stem from our major unresolved tensions with each other?

Loki: If I die the Midgardian "World Health Organization" is going to do WHAT

#loki and amora #that's it that's the post #just two platonicly unplatonic friends/enemies wanting to hold a literal/metaphorical knife at each other's throats #the ideal friends to enemies to friends to lovers to enemies to friends to enemies to lovers to friends to enemies to friends pairing #never a boring moment with those two #they could be in entirely different realms and manage to spice things up for the other in the worst possible way #thor: amora I heard you and loki broke up again I would like to apologise- why do you look like you haven't slept in a week #amora: because I HAVENT slept in a week. dumb curse wont let me sleep unless I'm within a metre of loki or break it.#thor: huh. you're going to get revenge once you have broken the curse?#amora: what? no! we have a project to work on involving magic grenades and we've got to finish that first. AFTER that he's fair game...#- a week later -#thor: ah brother I was just looking for you- what happened to your eyES??#loki: blinding spell. but she managed to combine it with an inversed tracking spell so I can't see any people other than her.#thor: that's a horrible punishment for looking at a different women but at least you can hear people. try not to go overboard with revenge?#loki: why would I get revenge for this? The way she fused the spells is ingenious and being able to study it first-hand is barely punishment #there is so much potential with loki and amora #they're the dubious pair where they're both the bad influence but also have high standards and have good influence on each other #when they're not killing each other or outdoing each other in spellwork

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danielnelsen · 5 years

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god remember when i was so tired the other week that i fully hallucinated a creeper in my backyard, that was wild

#personal #i havent slept in about 30 hours rip #i told myself id finish this assignment before sleeping #and uhh im being Stubborn about it #even though i literally dont have the cognitive abilities to work on it anymore #but if i sleep now i'll be too drowsy when i wake up to get it done by when it's due #it's my final written assignment of my degree #(not really; i still have a class over the break but it's not like..an important one)#im so close but oh my GOD this semester is Trying me #im doing the max number of classes after doing the max last semester too PLUS ive got placement now #and people are being homophobic AGAIN and not in the meme way; like in the actual homophobic way yknow #and i havent spoken to another human being (family doesnt count) in Weeks #ive actually lost my mind #and ive watched a bunch of streams in the last 30 hours to take breaks #which was nice but like wilbur was playing minecraft when i joined and he ended up telling ghost stories which didnt help lmao #anyway this is me procrastinating from finishing this last assignment rip im gonna try to do it now #im not hallucinating today but i am getting some worryingly realistic illusions #(when i say 'worrying' im not actually concerned because illusions are pretty common after being awake 24 hrs)#(just annoying because i wanna be able to work more while i can still trust my mind somewhat)#if you've read all this congrats on your dedication please do my survey linked somewhere recently on my blog

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saturnsfather · 5 years

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a golden boy

#scribblin #jjba #giorno giovanna #giornoweek2k19 #jojos bizarre adventure #VA #golden boy #va fam #cc #Yes this is for day two Yes im late #its almost 7 in the morning i literally havent slept at all i stayed up til four to finish this and then just never went to sleep #also yeah the background is garbage leave me alone it was Late #ill try to do something for day 3 but itll also be late probably because i have work later #anyway

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leias-left-hair-bun-again · 2 years

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I just have to make a list of what’s gone wrong with this move cause its so unbelievably long I’m starting to lose track

Also if I havent responded to a comment or anything this is why XD

Tire goes flat. Can’t get packing supplies, get someone to repair tire, tire goes flat again on the way to uhaul store. Repair tire again

Think I can get packing supplies now. Go to start car, car won’t start. Have car towed. Spend over a week waiting for car to be fixed

In the meantime, coworker decides to just not work. Have to do his work for him instead

Now I can finally get packing supplies. But oh joy! Start getting nightmares so bad that the only reason I can stay awake for work is cause I’m literally too afraid to sleep. Nightmares finally go away after yet another week, in the meantime am so tired I’ve done hardly any packing

Now I have only a week and a half to pack and move and clean. Boss says I can’t take requested work off after all bc coworker is sick, so I hire a cleaning service for Monday morning and hire movers for Wednesday evening

My brother is also moving. I spend several days helping him pack

Oh, I lose my credit card

Movers call on Wednesday and say they can’t come, earliest next availability is on Saturday afternoon. Fine

I had thought Creepy Stalker Guy, aka the reason for the nightmares, was over and dealt with but no!! I have to deal with him again. It is now the Thursday before I move and I am only finally packing for real

Go to get enchiladas on Friday bc I have no food, some guy comes barreling out of the parking lot in reverse and crushes the front panel of my car. In my attempts to keep him from crying in front of his date, I forget to get his insurance info

Saturday comes, I’m mostly packed. Movers are coming at five. They text at 4:46 and say they can only come at 7. Fine

Today, Sunday afternoon. I get this email from the cleaning company:

In conclusion I feel like I haven’t slept all month, I think I’m going to have actual hysterics, and also must now try to get as much cleaning as possible done tonight - after I finish moving the last remaining things out of my apartment

#going to #scream #and I have no time to be on here this was literally it #goodbye until tomorrow when I am finally done #I wish I was done I am so sick of moving #XD #me rambling #delete later

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jayflrt · 2 years

Note

ahhh omg ok im back now and finish my chem test but apparently everyone did bad on it so im like 💀 (we didnt get it back yet tho)

anyways ive been good! after that grind i slept A LOT over the weekend so im prepared to tackle this week bc im starting anatomy and ochem and i promised myself to work hard on those

and omg the sunoo fic im so excited for some reason i havent read much of sunoo??? (i think i gravitate towards heejay bc there's just so much heejay content) but im very vety excited for it esp after reading the preview

also omg that anon confused with 🌻 ajsjdjff honestly sometimes i forget im 🌻 too bc i anon for other creators too 😭 BUT i do want to try collecting some pcs (at least wtv is alr included in albums and then buy ones i really really want) i have yet to have any nct ones but i think it was mark catharsis? ver i want so so bad he just looks so good in it 🥲

also when dream announced 7llin 2.0 I SCREAMED bc i was literally thinking abt how i wanted to watch 7llin for the first time and then they do this </3

- 🌻

omg congrats on finishing the exam !!! i hope everything went well 💗💗 yk even if it didn’t go well for the others………i have faith that you will be the one who scores the highest >:) YOU GOT THIS 🤧

oh my gosh not ochem 😭😭 praying for you that class is an absolute nightmare 🏃‍♂️ but i’m glad you got to rest up this weekend and unwind !!! you definitely deserve it after the chem test 🤍 good luck for anatomy too ! my roommate has her anatomy final in two days and she’s stressing out so much rn HAHHA

i haven’t read many sunoo fics either !!! (actually i read viv’s today LMAOAOA) but otherwise i don’t see many long fics for sunoo D; but i agree there are a lot of fics for heeseung and jay :’) not complaining tho bc i love me some jay content 🥰 also thank you sm i’m so glad you’re excited !!! 🥺💗

AHAHAH that’s my new 🤖 anon now ♡ PLS i associate your emoji with hyuck sometimes bc 🌻 sunflowerzens <33 omg that’s what i’m doing !! i collect the album pcs and buy whichever else i want (that isn’t insanely overpriced HAHAH) but who do you want to collect for?? :o i could help you get started! 💗 and omg it’s the pc on the very left right ?? he’s so fine 😮‍💨 gives me cherry bomb vibes a little?? HAHAH

OH MY GOD RIGHT??? I LOVED 7LLIN IN THE DREAM SO MUCH when it dropped last year i watched it religiously 🙏 AND A SECOND ONE IM FROTHING AT THE MOUTH i’m so excited to see the dreamies again 🤧🤧 theyve been my ults for so long 💘 are you buying their new album ?? :o

#💌 : jayflrt love notes #🌻 anon

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loslotharios · 3 years

Note

Do you have any Raymond & Dembe friendship/just Dembe headcanons? I just finished rewatching my favorite eps. and I am FULL of Raymond & Dembe fluffy/angsty Feels. I know he must have been TRAUMATIZED when this “strange man” swoops in to save him, do you have any ideas on what Raymond might have done afterwards to get Dembe to trust him?

Oof I feel like I havent talked about this show in a hot second.

First of all thank u for single handledly reviving my tbl obsession. I'm all in on the Red/Dembe friendship again, so if anyone wants more... literally dont hesitate to ask. Bc I have so much more to say.

RED RESCUES DEMBE HCS

• Red gave Dembe his sunglasses as they made their way back to base to get Dembe medical help, so he could have some semblance of privacy. Dembe still has that pair of shades in a lockbox somewhere.

• The culture shock was sometimes a little too much for Dembe and ever since the first time he voiced his feelings to Red, Raymond has never stopped trying to understand and incorporate South Sudanese culture into their lives.

• Because Red is a very physically affectionate person, he actively had to hold himself back those first couple months bc his first instinct to comfort a struggling Dembe was hugs. He knew Dembe was making progress and starting to feel safe when he started initiating shoulder/hand pats.

• Red sort of took initiative to make sure Dembe felt as safe as possible those first couple of months after saving him. He would take bites of his food first to show him it was safe, same with any drink. Checked rooms for him. Tried to avoid long periods of time apart because I just know Dembe had to work through some major abandonment issues.

• Dembe had nightmares for years after meeting Red. So, Red spent many nights growing his empire from Dembe's bedroom floor. He never really minded considering he didn't sleep much to begin with. Eventually he did invest in a desk and comfy chair (maybe even a futon) for Dembe's room. Telling him they were gifts for him, when in reality they were a gift for Raymond's aching back.

CURRENT HCS

• They are each other's only friend so I know they have a ton of inside jokes. They have whole conversations just by looking at each others eyes.

• Because they spend so much time together, they do have occassional fights. But I hc that they dont really argue and instead they just get EXTREMELY passive aggressive.

*Dembe leaves dirty coffee mug on counter*

"Oh i didnt know the dish washer was broken."

"Thank you for putting your feet up on the table Raymond. We wouldn't want the carpet getting dirty."

I wanted to see more of their reactions after Dembe left in S6 so...these are my hcs on that:

• We saw Dembe cry when they were talking, but we didnt see Red. I know Raymond cried as soon as he left the room and was alone. He emotionally shut down that entire period he was without Dembe. Wouldn't eat. Wouldn't sleep. He put on the typical Raymond Reddington front, but inside he was just tired.

I also kind of wish their reunion would have been more dramatic tbh because an arm pat??? Come on. Sooooo...

• The second Dembe saw Red he could tell how exhausted he was. And while he still felt his leaving was necessary, he felt really bad about it. He just made sure to double check that Raymond ate and slept properly.

• They totally had a deeper, more emotional conversation afterwards where they may or may not have cried together. Also Red went through a period after this where he was incredibly clingy and needed reassurance that they were still best friends and that they were okay.

#these were so much fun i hope u like them lmao #also now im working on a little something bc im invested again #the blacklist #asks #notwrestling

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illfoandillfie · 3 years

Note

ok sorry but how many people do yall think rog has ever slept with cos i’m guessing four figures no lie

okay, i don’t normally respond to messages like this because, frankly, i dont really feel like its my place to speculate on roger’s sex life. Theres a difference between writing a fiction story with a character named after and inspired by him and discussing his actual personal life which i have no real knowledge about. What he gets up to in his free time is between him and the women he does it with. but i didn’t really feel able to ignore this one. please don’t take this as me telling you off or shutting you down or anything like that. If you want to speculate about roger’s body count thats up to you, go nuts with it. and i love when you guys message me and I don’t want to discourage you from feeling like you can talk to me or just send me your random thoughts or whatever about any subject. But I feel like I need to address why I disagree with this sentiment. Also so I can ask ya’ll to please stop asking me questions like this.

So firstly, just to get this out of the way. 1000 is a lot. even 100 is a lot. I think if rog had slept with 1000+ people he’d have a least a few illegitimate kids and probably would have been checked into rehab for sex addiction (not to mention STIs and such because lbr people in the 70s specifically probs werent the most careful especially if drugs were involved). I mean even if we were going to say Rog got lucky with a different woman after every show we wouldn’t reach 1000. According to google, Queen played around 700 shows in their entire career. If we add shows played by The Cross thats only another 67 odd shows (according to wikipedia).

now, i think there are 3 things that contribute to this idea of roger as especially promiscuous. 1. His attitude/demeanour/general way he sells himself. 2. the generally held conceptions about rock stars and rock star behaviour. and 3. what i’m going to call fandom dumbassery (but i mean that with a lot of love)

So lets start with the man himself. Roger Taylor is loud and opinionated and not particularly humble. He knows he’s talented and attractive though for at least some time he was a little self-conscious about how feminine he looked. He’s always up for a laugh, likes to party and has admitted to enjoying his drink and his women. He’s had kids with two different women, who’s relationships “overlapped”, and is currently married to a third. At least that’s the perception we can gleam from his interviews, behind the scenes videos, and other public appearances.

It’s easy to see how that image leads to accusations of being a womaniser and a cheater and basically a bit of a slut lmao. But here’s the thing. I think Roger, in part, markets himself that way. The thing is, if you look at his solo songs and the relationships he currently has with his kids and their mothers, and things other people have said about him/his relationships over the years, I think it’s fair to say he also has a bit of a romantic streak maybe? idk if thats the best way of describing it...he’s self confessed to not being a fan of marriage and the like but he’s not opposed to writing and singing love songs and seems to believe in ~love~ as a concept/power. He certainly cares deeply for those closest to him. Whether or not that translates to an agreement with monogamy I can’t say for certain. It’s hard to draw conclusions here because a lot of what we know of his personal life was fed to us through magazines and news paper gossip column articles and they were never looking for the truth, they were looking for scandal and sensationalism.

For instance the whole thing with the overlapping relationships. I think most people who have read anything about roger and dom and debbie realise that it’s not as cut and dry as “he was cheating with debbie and left dom for her” even though that was the story being sold by the press at the time. The reality (or at least the version closer to reality since obviously no one outside of them and whoever they were closest with knows all the nitty gritty details) is that rog and dom had already split when they got married. it was a marriage of convenience to make sure her and the kids would be looked after financially etc even after he’d moved out. So while it looked to the public like he married one chick and 30 odd days later was spotted with another, there really wasn’t anything untoward happening. I’m not saying he never had casual hookups or one night stands and i’m not saying he never cheated, but I do think some of it’s been exaggerated, whether by him to encourage the rock star perception or by newspaper/magazine articles.

Now, obviously, we have stories of rog, particularly in the late 60s and into the 70s, being with multiple women. There’s that bit in the Interview with a Queen “Groupie” (which is a fantastic read and i defs recommend checking it out if you havent already) where she talks about roger being a chick magnet and says that, at the time, it was pretty common to sleep about. But, she also says she didnt notice him doing it more or less than anyone else and seemed to mostly be with Jo (his girlfriend at the time). This is the same Jo that got a mention in the Queen in 3D book (”i think we all had the feeling that these two were together for life, but it was not to be”). Conversely, we have that quote (which i cannot find rn but i’ll link it when i do) about roger sometimes having one girl upstairs while another waited in the garage for them to be finished. I think it was about Rog in the mid-late 60s in Truro but whatever. Obviously he wasn’t anywhere near celibate and it’s likely was sleeping with people outside of his relationship(s). But one has to assume that as he got older those kinds of antics stopped happening, at least as frequently.

There is one potential story that I remember reading somewhere along the way about Roger cheating on Debbie while she was pregnant. But, take that with a grain of salt because I can’t find the article again and also I think it was from like The Sun or something equally as rubbish. The press was notoriously always printing mean shit about the boys and that might have been another thing they published to create scandal. Even so, if we assume it’s legit that is still only 1 story. Not to throw him under the bus but Brian is the one with multiple confirmed affairs, who literally wrote songs about it all. So why is Roger the one with sleazy reputation?

This is where my second and third points come in. There is a pervasive idea about what it means to be a rock star. The whole trashing hotel rooms, sleeping with groupies, passing out drunk every night thing. And I’m sure that Queen was like that to an extent. I think it’s pretty common knowledge that all of them got up to shit on the road. Between innuendo laden interviews and songs, videos and accounts of their parties, stories CT has put online, and other stories like the one of Roger bringing out lines of coke as dessert when he was having dinner with motley crue. They definitely embraced the rock and roll lifestyle. And I think with Roger’s personality being what it is, it’s easy to link him to those traditional rock star tropes and say it was all true all the time. I also think Roger has done nothing to counter those beliefs. He’s been open about how he wanted to be a rock star since the minute he picked up a guitar, he’s labelled himself as a great lay in magazines, he’s joked about girls pulling their tits out over dinner in interviews (though he said he didnt take her home), he’s written songs like One Night Stand and Dirty Mind and Airheads which explicitly mention his preference for women and alcohol. I think it’s fair to say he’s kind of encouraged that view of himself. Whether it was just a side effect of being part of such a well known band and having such a boisterous demeanour/personality, or whether it was intentional as a version of promotion i don’t know. maybe a mix of them? I mean I’m sure it didn’t hurt sales and stuff. it’s the whole guys want to be him, girls want to be with him thing, right? Maybe that’s just me being cynical though lmao.

Anyway, the fandom brain has taken all of that and compressed it into memes and jokes about rog being the band slut. Which i’m not complaining about, lord knows i’ve made the same jokes and reblogged the same posts and used those tropes in my fics. They’re funny and lend themselves to interesting fic concepts. Plus, i think roger is the sort of person who would probably laugh about most of it. But it’s an idea that keeps feeding into itself through fandom, perpetuating what is probably a misguided view of his personal life.

Again, I am sure he’s had his fair share of fun and I’m not trying to make out that he was always perfect or whatever, but I don’t think he’s been with as many women as the popular discourse would imply and I certainly don’t think he’s in the 4 digit numbers.

#i7558vjvug #please god dont let this start anything #im just here to write smut and have a good time

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pbandjesse · 3 years

Text

Today was not what I had planned. I woke up a 8 to a text from the dentist reminding me about my appointment. That I didnt realize was today. I thought it was thursday. So I am very glad I got up! I had about an hour until I needed to leave though. I had plenty of time to get washed and dressed. James wold soon leave for work and I would get all cute.

I didnt have high hopes for the dentist. But it ended up being fine. I parked in the parking garage. Forgot the ticket in the car, would go back for it later. And I didnt get lost finding the office this time.

I did not see the main dentist, I saw an associate. But I loved her. She was so sweet. And while she understood why I wanted the tooth removed, she thinks its salvageable and that insurance should cover it. I got all the xrays and now that I have this insurance I was like. Okay. Im willing to get this fixed, with the caveat that if they get in there and the took is broken (which is what I think), they will pull it. So I felt like things were good. The woman at the desk even called the other office to make me an appointment so I wouldnt have to call and it was so kind.

I left there in a good mood. I went back to the car to grab that parking ticket, and then went to the fancy grocery store. I got some stuff thats hard to get at the regular stores. And just had a nice time looking around.

I headed home after that. High spirits. But almost as soon as I got home I get a call from the dentist that they called the insurance and they wont cover anything. At all. Because I hadnt had the insurance for a year?? I have never heard of this before. Like the whole reason I got this plan was because it covered so much of the root canal procedure. And so I started crying. And they the woman tells me that the first of the three appointments I have would cost $1500. So I was just like. I guess. Cancel it. She apologized but I was just like. I did the thing I was supposed to do. I got the insurance. I pay it on time. But I just felt so stupid.

So I was a bit hysterical and I called the insurance with the plan to yell and then cancel the insurance. But once I got through the robot voices I was mostly just very very sad. I knew the person on the phone wasnt at fault. So thats what I said. I was just like. Hey, Im going to start sobbing in a second, I am not mad at you, I know you just work there, but I dont know what to do. I did the thing I was supposed to do but I cant get the help I need now. And she was so kind and right away put in a request to override the year waiting period. So I have to wait until wednesday to find out if that is approved. But it was a little bit of hope I guess? I called back the dentist and explained what happened and she said to call her back when I get word and that the dentist will see what can be done on their end too.

Its wild though. Why is that a thing?? I would have gotten the cheaper plan if I knew I wouldnt be able to use any of the coverage for a year?? Like I get its probably my fault but I have never heard of anything like that before. It wasnt even like I hadnt met a minimum for the year, they were just like oh you literally do not have any coverage on procedures until next January. Because you havent had the insurance before. If I knew that I wouldnt have waited for the open market. I would have just. Gotten a plan before that. Its such a shit show.

It took a while for me to calm down. I was just so drained and upset.

But I didnt want to lose the whole day.

James would go out for a long bike ride soon after that. They waited until I was alright before they left. I needed to be alone for a bit though.

So I cleaned a little. I hung a tapestry. I cleaned the fish tank. I thought about what I will pack for camp. I had snacks. I played video games. I finished making the bed. I changed all the sheets and the took off the velvet duvet cover. I also refolded and sorted out the winter coats and sweaters I shoved under the bed. They are all folded and nice now.

James would get home before 230. I was laying in bed but once they were washed and dressed again we headed out into the world.

We walked to the art store. And I got all the new paint I wanted. I got the highlighter colors and a few secondaries I thought would be hard to mix. I am very happy with the colors I got. I may go back to buy some medium. But I am very pleased.

And it was so nice going out with James. The weather was warm. And It was just a lovely day to be out. We stopped to take pictures with the knock out roses. And I was just really happy.

Not to long after we got home James got to work making us dinner. And I laid down for a bit. But I never actually slept. Thats alright. I did a little work stuff but tomorrow I will really get into that.

After dinner I got to work on the painted stool project. I was going to do sprinkles but I decided to do Matiesse inspired shapes instead. I am pretty happy with them!! The highligher/neon colors are a little thin, so I will have to do more layers to cover the sharpie I drew first. I wouldnt have used the sharpies if I knew it would do that. Live and learn. But so far so good. One or two more layers of paint and then I will outline and add texture details using paint markers. But I am very pleased with the project. Next will be the little heart shelf.

I have been hanging out in bed with sweetP since then. I am very tired. But I am going to go rinse off and put on soft clothes. Tomorrow I am going to do work and art and try to make myself work on store stuff. Because I have been so bad about that. But I have the pictures so I will get it done.

I hope you all sleep well. Take care of eachother. Goodnight!

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diosperiodclots · 4 years

Note

BAE 😩🙏🏽

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAE 😻🙏🏻

Kakyoin with a s/o hcs

• Kakyoin is very touch starved so he loves to cuddle with his s/o

• He especially loves holding hands and any other physical contact with you

• Hes protective of his s/o

• Like REALLY protective

• He wouldn't be able to live with himself if something were to happen to you

• Since when he was a little kid he had nobody but his parents so you being there for him and loving him unconditionally means the world to him!

• Whenever you guys have extra time you'll play video games together and talk about things that happened at school or at work

• When in bed Kakyoin likes to hold his s/o in his arms from behind while they're curled up in a ball

• Overall Kakyoin would just adore his s/o! He would be happy how someone finally understands him and how he isn't alone anymore

• He would literally be the best boyfriend

EXTRA HCS FOR KAKYOINS S/O BIRTHDAY

• He goes ALL OUT for his s/o birthday

• When you wake up Kakyoin brings you breakfast he made

• Then he would tell you to get dressed for the day after finished eating because he was taking you somewhere special

• After getting dressed he takes you to the amusement park

• You both have lots of fun, he even wins you a giant stuffed animal at one of the amusement park games

• The next stop would be at you're favorite food place

• You try paying for the food but Kakyoin refuses into letting you pay since it's your day

• After eating you both get ready to head home and as soon as you open the door a bunch of people yell " SURPRISE "

• Yes that's right Kakyoin threw a whole surprise birthday party for you

• He invited all your family and friends

• You thank Kakyoin multiple times and give him a light kiss on the lips

• " Happy birthday s/o "

AHHHHHHHHSISHSJXBSK IM SORRY IF THIS FELT RUSHED I HAVENT SLEPT FOR OVER 24 HOURS AND I WANTED TO WRITE THIS FOR MY FRIEND 💔 anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUMI and I hope everyone who read this enjoyed

#kakyoin x reader #kakyoin #jojo headcanons #jojos bizarre adventure #jjba #I'm very tired so I'm sorry if these hcs were doo doo #stardust crusaders

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rouge-the-bat · 4 years

Text

OOPS I HAD STARTED THIS THEN SAVED AS A DRAFT TO FINISH LATER BUT THEN FORGOT SO ITS. BEEN A BIT SINCE I WAS ACTUALLY TAGGED FOR THIS LMAO

ANYWAYS i was tagged by @skayforrest :'33

Rules: Please make your own text post when answering these to avoid long posts. Highlight/bold what applies to you!

for me to make it easier for me to read im going for:

bold: definitely me :3

italics: kinda me!

strikethrough: not me at All

(subscript parenthesis): my comments! (bc im very rambly lol)

also changing // between different phrases to ♡♡ to make it easier for me to distinguish between phrases too owo

♡ Appearance ♡

I am over 5’5 ♡♡ I wear glasses/contacts ♡♡ I have blonde hair ♡♡ I prefer loose clothing over tight clothing ♡♡ I have one or more piercings (my ears!) ♡♡ I have at least one tattoo (i want to get one of a drawing ive made soon tho!) ♡♡ I have blue eyes ♡♡ I have dyed or highlighted my hair (its p much back to normal now tho- and i want to dye it pink someday) ♡♡ I have gotten plastic surgery ♡♡ I have or had braces ♡♡ I sunburn easily ♡♡ I have freckles ♡♡ I paint my nails (not super often but i have fun doing it occasionally owo!) ♡♡ I typically wear makeup (i rarely do and usually its just lispstick, with maybe eyshadow and/or eyeliner) ♡♡ I don’t often smile (i can be really smiley sometimes but i dont interact with others much (esp irl) so i tend to not emote a whole lot) ♡♡ I am pleased with how I look (im cute round n chubby!!) ♡♡ I prefer nike to adidas (i literally dont care) ♡♡ I wear baseball caps backwards

♡ Hobbies & Interests ♡

I play a sport (i play... wii sports and real life bowling sometimes at most :'3) ♡♡ I can play an instrument (its been a really long time but i learned clarinet from school band) ♡♡ I am artistic ♡♡ I know more than one language (id like to learn some tho, like japanese, french, and/or korean maybe?) ♡♡ I have won a trophy in some sort of competition (never a Literal trophy :O) ♡♡ I can cook or bake without a recipe ♡♡ I know how to swim ♡♡ I enjoy writing (i like to but school has made me anxious anytime i try now ;w;) ♡♡ I can do origami ♡♡ I prefer movies to tv shows ♡♡ I can execute a perfect somersault ♡♡ I enjoy singing (exclusively for singing along, i dont really ever sing on my own lol) ♡♡ I could survive in the wild on my own ♡♡ I have read a new book series this year ♡♡ I enjoy spending time with my friends (who wouldnt!! esp with my friends, theyre amazing :'3) ♡♡ I travel during school or work breaks (id like to travel more..) ♡♡ I can do a handstand

♡ Relationships ♡

I am in a relationship (my girlfriend is so wonderful 🥰) ♡♡ I have been single for over a year (been dating my gf for almost 2 full years now!) ♡♡ I have a crush (fictional crushes count right? bc i have a million of those lol) ♡♡ I have a best friend I have known for ten years ♡♡ My parents are together ♡♡ I have hooked up with my best friend (thats meaning sexual right? bc im sex repulsed and so is my gf whos my best friend so, absolutely not lol) ♡♡ I am adopted ♡♡ My crush has confessed to me (im p much always the first to confess lol) ♡♡ I have had a long-distance relationship (hopefully someday tho it wont be long distance :'3) ♡♡ I am an only child (dear god no i have. 1 full brother, 3 half brothers, 1 half sister, and 2 or 3 step brothers gjkxjfk) ♡♡ I give advice to my friends (im not the best with advice but i try when i can!!) ♡♡ I have made an online friend (all of my current friends are online!) ♡♡ I met up with someone I have met online (GOD I WISH)

♡ Aesthetics ♡

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell ♡♡ I have watched the sunrise (many times, after being awake all night bc im p mych nocturnal lol) ♡♡ I enjoy rainy days (god i love rain so much) ♡♡ I have slept under the stars (iirc im p sure ive slept in a tent for going camping before ??? but my memory sucks so im not sure if that happened or i just always wanted to gjkdjg) ♡♡ I meditate outside (maybe i should try that sometime..) ♡♡ The sound of chirping calms me ♡♡ I enjoy the smell of the beach (ive been to a beach just a couple times.. i dont remember what it smelled like) ♡♡ I know what snow tastes like (i eat snow EVERY time it snows here, esp to make snow cream) ♡♡ I listen to music to fall asleep (on occasion! always instrumental stuff, sometimes meant for relaxing or sometimes just a comfort song from a game i love) ♡♡ I enjoy thunderstorms ♡♡ I enjoy cloud watching ♡♡ I have attended a bonfire ♡♡ I pay close attention to colors (ofc ! i love colors and graphic design is my passion- but like Actually, im not quoting the meme lol) ♡♡ I find mystery in the ocean ♡♡ I enjoy hiking on nature paths (would REALLY need to be in the mood for it) ♡♡ Autumn is my favourite season (close ! i love the chilly air and aesthetic of autumn as well, but winter is my ultimate comfort season <3)

♡ Miscellaneous ♡

I can fall asleep in moving vehicles ♡♡ I am the mom friend (mom friend mode can activate on Occasion, but usually im silly bastard friend) ♡♡ I am involved in extracurricular activities (im not in school) ♡♡ I enjoy mexican food ♡♡ I can drive a stick-shift (i still havent learned how to drive yet owo;;) ♡♡ I believe in true love (probably not in a typical sense?) ♡♡ I make up scenarios to fall asleep (oh no, i make up scenarios constantly in my head throughout the day, i get way too invested in them so they usually keep me up if i think about them when trying to sleep) ♡♡ I sing in the shower ♡♡ I wish I lived in a superhero movie (i def wanna live in some fictional worlds, but superhero movies arent things im usually into) ♡♡ I have a canopy above my bed ♡♡ I am multiracial (im not super familiar with my ancestry rn, so idk. would like to know sometime tho) ♡♡ I am a redhead ♡♡ I own at least 3 dogs/cats (rn i have 2 dogs and 3 cats!)

and uhhh ill tag @spiiderbiites @miphelda @kipokin @queerplyke @ameila if yall wanna do it :3? (if yalld like i can go thru n supply a version of this without all of my font edits and comments!) AH WHOOPS I GOT A URL MESSED UP BUT XENOLEAF U CAN DO TOO IF U WANT

#starry asks #uh not exactly an ask but ill use that tag for tag games like this #ive been tagged in a few of these kinda posts so im trying to catch up rn !!

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cardboardboxcomplex · 4 years

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ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore. i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn.

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they.

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix)

#white noise #i'll tag idk journal stuff that i guess #cos actually all my thoughts are not in words #until i turn them into words #which has gotten increasingly difficult #long post #idk should i tag that #idk who's actually following this acct #besides kosestream

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