#i know that im barely here anymore

[haechanhour]

i just saw haechan today 💌

#i know that im barely here anymore #actually im not here anymore #its been hard to keep putting out gifsets and live the live i am barely living #but today i saw haechan for the second time within 12 months #and when i say he is one of the very few things that's keeping me tethered to the earth i mean it #at some points i just . stared and watched him i couldnt even cheer for most of it #its like i was in a trance #i just love him so much it hurts #it hurts because it pains me to see him work so hard because i work so hard and he hasnt had a break since 2016 #and i havent had a break in 2016 #and ive said this many many posts ago in an ask where someone asked me why i love him #and i said its because i see myself him #he's living the life i wanted to live at some point #the stage the applause the glory to be able to sing and have people love you #and i'm living the life he wants when he's empty after performing for years and years and years where i went to school went to university #had relationships had experiences that normal people go through #but he's him and i'm me and he's on that stage and i've graduated university #what was my point even #that i love him i truly do #aside from the projection i just think #i think that he's such a performer. a perfect performer a stage genius a magnificent artist #the way he sings fills the entire space #the way he dances makes it look like the spotlight is just on him #he's so insane #anyway that's it for the word vomit lol #i hope you are all living good healthy lives where you get to do things you like to do and are paid a good amount of money

[greatestjubilee]

bleh

#hi all. lucy here #i have barely been drawing lately because ive just been unable to #like i feel like i lost my spark. i dunno #i used to draw so much and make so many comics when i was absolute rock bottom mentally #like the funnier i was the worse i was doing #ive been better lately but i truly feel like ive almost sacrificed my ability to draw or create stuff for some more mental stability #i just....i dont know. i feel like i can't do anything i used to do with art. like im not funny or have no ideas or just think stuff like #oh ill just draw this because people will wanna see it #but i gave that up because not even i wanna see it anymore #i hope that i can feel like drawing again one day i just dont know how to get it back. it really feels like ive lost a major part of myself #this is my rambling here just to let you know i am still around just kind of laying low because im drained

[yuckydraws]

(Click for better quality)

Healing & Growth

(gif made by my friend @robanilla-arts is below - slight warning for flashing! Thanks again, Rob!)

#if you feel like reading it - I'm gonna ramble in the tags. #Don't really feel like having it attached to the post for forever... cause what if i just wanna reblog some fairysona art?? #anyways #this year sucked a lot. in a lot of ways. but im grateful for it. #healing is stupidly hard and annoyingly enough? not linear in the slightest. Yet infuriatingly - it is worth it. #I am far from done with healing. I've barely scratched the surface. #but im learning and connecting with myself along the way. #The biggest step I've taken this year is working on my people pleasing ways. it's a bad habit birthed from a lot of different traumas. #but it no longer rules my life. #I am not passive anymore - and surprise! that doesn't make me a horrible or evil person. #my kindness is no longer a weakness. its still a part of me and always will be. i won't let go of it. #but it is no longer to a fault #there are people undeserving of my kindness... i realize that now. I know what i will and will not put up with in every kind of relationshi #im still learning and exploring - and i've said a lot of goodbyes this year. I'm sure i will say more. #but that's okay. #some relationships are forever - some serve you for a while and teach you a lesson when they end. #and some relationships stick around and don't *have* to have a deeper connection #and that's also okay. #I didn't think I'd make it through this year in all honesty. I was very close to ending it all on multiple occasions. #But. for what it's worth - as of now im glad im here. #i will continue to struggle and have my hard times. im not naive enough to think depression just goes away. #but im okay for now and im moving forward. #there will be pauses and abrupt stops and likely some good ol' rotting involved. but when i can - ill be moving forward. #i will not speak a word of 2024 because no matter what it will have it's ups and downs. #but i will continue to keep working on myself. and that's all anyone can do in this weird life. #if you made it through all of that... uhhhh wow you got a crush on me or smth? /j/j/j/j #but fr - if you read this far... thank you. i hope you're faring well and that you have a happy celebration tonight. #sleep well and dream well when it comes to you #yucky draws #my art

[pansyfemme]

im pretty sick of living like this im trying to plan how im going to walk several blocks during a snowstorm tommorow so i can have a conseuling meeting about how my roomates keep saying horrible shit about me directly outside my door (literally walked out of my room sobbing tonight to see all of their chairs moved to be pointed towards my fucking door. real nice.) because they seem to have gotten wind of me reporting the transphobia and threats they’ve been spouting about me and seem to be using it to hate me further. I have to have it at my friend’s apartment because i do not feel safe discussing it in my own fucking house. fuck man

#i barely spend any time here anymore #im going crazy like am i that bad a roomate to warrent this? #but everytime i hear them complaing about real shit its like. cooked food that smelled weird (pesto) #or yes. the time i dented the wall because i had a dislocation and fell and got it fixed immediatly #and then shit i dont do? like using other people’s dishes (im vegetarian. i only cook on pans i know are meat free so i dont get sick #because meat oils can do that to me sometimes) #like im so sorry that happened to you but why the fuck would it be me

[berryblu-soda]

Rotating Phillip (the last dimension) in my brain exponentially faster every day until season 2 is here

#lets hope it gets here soon; i dont know how much more he can take #lest he become but an amorphous mass of aiborne molecules #asahdfdg what am i even saying anymore #anyways super hyped for the next season; ik we got a release date >:D!!!!! #rereading it at 2 points simultaneously like a madwoman #on my third read in a week im pretty sure :D <- is so normal abt this webtoon; mhm... #aaaaaaaa sfgafshsfahsgahsfshsgahsgahsfahgshafshafsshsfsghsfs #there is!!!! so much lore!!!! i can tell we've barely scratched the surface and going insane!!!!! #shut up sheo #webtoon #the last dimension #phillip maxwell #semi new addition to my top tier blorbo list :') #hes my son my baby boy 😭😭

[maypl-syrup]

KAIJU NO.8 IS SO FUCKING GOOD YALL HAVE TO READ IT!!!!! I think someone did this exact meme with Kafka and Kikoru but I can’t remember and if they did sorry but this meme is so good with these 2 

#kikoru shinomiya #kafka hibino #kaiju no. 8 #please im begging yall read this #I know I barely post on here anymore but i am on my hands and knees begging #art #my art

[officialkendallroy]

i envy people who's parents aren't mentally ill and poor like that is the worst combination to deal with

#my uni friend is staying the night and im literally so ashamed of how the apartment is looking #bc neither of my parents care anymore how it looks and it leaves me to deal with it #but im also a mess and barely van handle my own room so you know #i asked my mom to clean her bathroom shelf. this one thing. i cleaned everything else. she didn't do it #i don't even want my friend to stay anymore bc im afraid she'll think differently of me #also my parents are both just fighting anymore and im afraid theyll do that too while shes here #and ughhh #anyways im gonna go clean some more 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

[camptw1nk]

i miss. the vibes of the rpc a few years back

#things just felt more. community based #people interacted more w each other on the dash and it felt like people were really there to interact and not just for a follower count #its probably rose colored glasses in a lot of ways bc thats when i was most active so thats when it was most enjoyable but #idk there was just something ab the days where u could have 50 followers and always be interacting w most of them #these days ill get 200 followers and the same 5 mutuals interacting all the time #and like. huge shoutout to them they know who they are but those people make this site worth being on #its just. idk its tiring when a lot of time is spent yelling into the void that is the dash and getting nothing back #and to some extent timezones r to blame and also my lack of writing but its. its not just a lately thing #its been getting worse for years and i think this is really the first time ive ever been like. not active on tumblr? #like im here but a couple of years ago the idea of me having a main blog and barely ever logging in or writing was absurd #i would be online and writing 24/7 if not here then on discord and wire #bc people were always around to interact with and now its just like. oh weve all grown up and become adults and no one has time #for each other anymore and its very. thats life thats how it is but it sucks idk #maybe this is 2 some extent projection also bc thats how things r irl rn but thats just. tahts not important

[astrogenica]

I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE I'M A FAILURE

#all caps #vent #vent post #venting #text post #failure #fear of failure #low self worth #mental illness #<< admin tags #IM A FAILURE IM A FAILURE IM A FAILURE #I NEVER AMOUNTED TO ANYTHING #I CRUSHED MY FAMILYS DREAMS OF FINANCIAL SECURITY WITH MY SELFISHNESS #I THREW AWAY RELATIONSHIPS I CHERISHED JUST BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING SAD #I WORRY EVERY DAY IS THE DAY MY HUSBAND LEAVES ME #I STILL DONT HAVE KIDS OR A HOUSE OR EVEN A FUCKING DOG #I NEVER WENT TO GRAD SCHOOL #IM TOO SICK TO HAVE HOBBIES OUTSIDE MY OWN HOME #I CAN'T EVEN MAINTAIN MY HOME #THE ONLY THING I WAS EVER GOOD FOR WAS MY BRAINS BUT I LOST THEM #I HAVENT CREATED ANYTHING BEAUTIFUL OR PROFOUND OR WORTHWHILE #I HAVENT MADE BANK #I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING TO MEDICALLY TRANSITION #IVE NEVER KISSED A GIRL #I STILL CANT AFFORD TO VISIT MY NEPHEW #I STILL BARELY KNOW MY SISTER #I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE #SOMEONE LET ME OUT OF MY OWN HEAD I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

[edsbacktattoo]

can’t believe i missed it. happy belated birthday to my first born!

they grow up so fast 🥹

#i know it’s so corny but i’m so incredibly grateful for this fic and what it’s brought me #a year ago i found a passion that i’d long ago forgotten about #a year ago i met one of my now closest friends (casper a kiss for u) #a year ago i found a whole community where i belong #and i think that’s just amazing #all from one silly little romcom about pirates #and yeah there are certainly things about the writing in this fic that i don’t do anymore #but i wouldn’t change a thing about it #it wasn’t beta’d - it was barely even edited #i just vomited these massive chapters every day because i was so thrilled to be making it #it was an absolute delight from start to finish #and it’s always going to be important to me i think #sorry im a massive sap #thanks for being here #and thanks for all the support #im astounded and humbled and so grateful #love you all love this place #MWAHHHHH!!!! #chasing storms

[matchandelure]

if no one sees this its fine but if u do see this feel free to send a little doodle request to inbox i am. in need of ideas (preferably anything fe3h, tkrb, bsd, dr stone, or persona 3 related since ive been really into those lately but other stuff is fine too)

#im so sad i finally have time to draw and i dont know what to draw #been so used to the constant studying and assignment grindthat now that i. dont have anything anymore its so weird #anyhow again chances are no ones gonna see this since im barely on here anymores but eh

[early-october-skies]

Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees

#lizzierants #had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly #caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because #theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry #that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing #good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me #someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with #my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am #overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back #this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf #i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec #ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help #and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here #most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much #anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking #terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine #is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because #they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate #this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start #crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3 #i will heal and ill be okay <3

[cynicalundead]

the absolute unimaginable earth shattering hopelessness of being too disabled to make enough money to ever realistically move away from abusers is crazy. I just have to fucking accept that recovery is not for me and life is hell until I die

#shes not AS actively abusive anymore. she almost never does anything abusive these days #but she still gaslights me and argues over stupid shit and doesnt let me be myself. #and i still have traumatized alters that hate her and her existence still causes me to think im dead sometimes #i know living with her means theres a certain threshold of healing i can never get past. and jt makes me wanna fucking kill myself #because i can barely afford to pay rent to her and have $20 left over for other bills. #im never getting out of here #complex ptsd #did system #did vent #osdd system #traumagenic system #abuse survivor #im too fuckin tired to tag this with anything else

[thepinkseashell]

<3

#before its not boston2's birthday anymore i have to make a sentimental little post about her. because i love her. so here goes. #that day actually kind of changed my life a little bit. #i had been very deeply unwell for years and i think that was the day that a little switch flipped in me and the ice began to melt #and i started to be okay. #i dont think i had ever experienced that type of sheer joy and elation and relief and catharsis and it just sortof sent a shock to my system #like. this is real! you are real! you are alive! #you are capable of feeling and existing and being so do it! go. exist. be. live. breathe. and god did i fucking try #and i cant say it was suddenly easy after that. of course not. it is still not quite easy now. but its gotten better. little by little #i started doing things more. i started seeing myself more as human. #and things sort of snowballed and now i feel like im on the cusp of something. i dont know what. #the cusp of living. the cusp of being alive. the cusp of being human. #its the same but different. i was so very dead and just barely teetering into not dead and now im not dead and teetering into alive. i think #i am not substantially different than i was a year ago. not on paper. but i have hope now. i have a little sliver of something. #i have clawed at the wall long enough to dig a hole and goddamn it im climbing through it if it kills me. #boston2 was a catalyst for me. a celebration. an invitation. an apology. a love letter. a hug. a kiss. it was my permission to be okay. #and maybe i am. maybe i will be. #i love you boston2. thank you for everything. i will exist. i will live. i will breathe. and my first breath will be for you.

[bootyful-seventeen]

hey y'all, anyone have any good stress relief tehniques or habits they'd like to share cuz I've been more stressed in the last 3 weeks then I was in the last 6 months

#to cut the long story short my mom had to sell the old house cuz her broke ass couldnt afford to keep it up #eventho it is a whole ass hoarders house and was in shambles with a flooded basement a collapsing ceiling in at least 2 rooms plus mold #and the stench a dirt and dog piss and shit all over the floor really made it worse then it was #but yeah so shes been staying with me and my grandma and its been awful #she hasnt been taking any of the medicine the doctors gave her when she snapped and started a fight and also started screaming at neighbour #so shes been terrorizing us here while the house has become her second hoarders den since she dragged so much crap here #my backyard side entrance and front porch are full of her shit and my grandma hates it since she can barely step into the house #so since she kept looking for places way out of her budget i had to go do house hunting since my useless sister is busy getting lit again #so ive been showing her shit in her price range that was under 420k cuz im not a moron who looks at 800k homes when i have 570k #and each time she has a new complaint saying its too expenive or its too small or its too old when she said she wants to do renovations #but shes saying she wants to renovate a newly renovated place instead of an old one #so i just showed her a house near my sisters uni and she liked the inside & backyard but she complained that 400k for newly renovated 3 bed #that is literally a 9 minute drive from my sisters uni is too expensive when shes the one who was looking at an old ass unrenovated bungalo #that is a street over from us that is 800k and she says it looks like garbage cuz an old lady previously owned it before dying #like no shit it looks old cuz older people lived those decades and like it and she just keeps doing her bullshit again & again #cuz when i tell you her mind is gone i mean it is GONE and she starts up all these wild stories to just explain some shit #like something goes missing? the neighbours are hungarian and stole it and left the hoard of junk in her old house #she has more stupid stories to harass and stress us out with but if im gonna share that ill have to write a book about it cuz fuck #and you know its bad when no one else can stand being in any contact with her cuz she starts screaming at people about it #so the only one who even likes her anymore is my sister and thats cuz shes deep in denial about just how insane she is & how abusive she is #so yeah i need some stress relief help that maybe isnt constantly hitting up maryjane cuz i dont do weed often especially since shes here #cuz weed 'burns your brain & makes you crazy like this' when shes the only one whos ever infuriated me to astronimical levels #i know retail therapy helped before she came here but i dont want to keep spending money i dont really have #it would be great tho but shes refusing to give me the 70k she said was mine from the house sale so i can cut her out for good

[snailune]

wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it

#personal #i just want to make things so bad #it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it #i started so late and its still so hard. i got months without doing anything bc im just exhausted from daily life #if i spend more time with my girlfriends i feel like im closer to them but then i have no time for art #if im making something im spending less time with them #and i like my job so much. i really do. i even considered just saying fuck it and going into library sciences #but i still come home barely able or willing to talk sometimes. and i dont know how to fix that #and i feel so unfulfilled and extremely lonely even tho i have friends #but i can barely get myself to draw or write even when i have so many ideas #i feel so uncomfortable in my body and so tired of trying with therapists and doctors #all of it makes me so anxious i feel sick #so Frustrated i feel dizzy. and then i still cant do anything!!!! #i dont want to live here anymore i just want to be with everyone else. but everyone is moving away or planning to. us included #but no one in the same place. it makes me so sad #i dont know what to do or how to do it when i dont have motivation to do the bare minimum #maybe i just like torturing myself by thinking i can do the things i want instead of aceepting i cant. :/ cringes #for anyone that has somehow read this far ill be ok in like 20 minutes im just having a moment dw. im fine. will handle it like an adult #and not spend to much time thinking about this