#i know its sounds weird since my stuff is all mental health stuff but like i dont want to have a friend where we just talk about that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

someidiotwithalaptop · 1 year

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Alright: What the FUCK happened to Summer???

Because something sure did, and every new thing we hear about her gets more disturbing, and it haunts me.

So, I'll start with stuff that's fairly certain and like, small leaps of logic before I go full tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist. We have very little actual info about Summer, nearly all of it from different characters talking about her.

From Yang we get the basic facts from her family's perspective: Summer was a Huntress who went out on a mission and never came back. We also get the characterization of, "Super-Mom: Baker of cookies and slayer of giant monsters."

From Qrow, we learn that 1. She was a brat, which like, honestly STRQ was probably just "oops! all brats" 2. He thinks she would have pressed on if she knew the truth, which, uh, she almost definitely did. "We don't have to kill you to stop you," is not the sort of thing you say to Salem if you don't know she's immortal, that's all I'm saying. 3. Whatever her final mission was, she didn't tell him or Tai or Ozpin. I'm inclined to believe Ozpin when he says he genuinely doesn't know what happened to Summer, since his biggest secret is already out—plus he's been genuinely repentent about the mess his lying caused in Volume 6 and is taking steps to do better in the future. It would feel really weird thematically if he knew and was keeping yet another giant bomb of a secret. So Summer went on her final mission alone, or at the very least, she didn't tell any of Ozpin's inner circle where she was going.

We'll get to speculating about why not later, but I think this point is probably going to be important in Ruby's character arc—whatever Summer's ultimate fate, she got there because she tried to save the world alone, and we've seen Ruby do something similar. Like she's not running off after Salem by herself, but she's definitely trying to shoulder the burden of leading and inspiring everyone to keep going all on her own, without asking for help as that responsibility has been slowly yet systematically destroying her mental health. I mean ffs she's been literally carrying her team on her shoulders for two episodes now.

HOWEVER: Oz, Tai, and Qrow don't know anything about what happened to Summer, but it's possible that Raven might. When Ruby tries to reach out to her and convince her to work together, because they'll have a better chance than if they try to do it alone, Raven says, "You sound just like your mother," in truly the most bitter, disdainful-ass tone I have ever heard. And then she opens a portal for Cinder to throw a fireball at her. Whether this is about a more generalized friction that maybe contributed to Raven leaving, or a specific moment when Summer tried to get her on board with whatever she was doing on that final mission, is kind of uncertain. Or it could be both!

(And it might also be she married my ex bitterness but, admitting my biases here, I hate that fucking trope with a fiery passion and I think it's more interesting if her anger at Summer is actually about Summer.)

Regardless, if Summer did ask her for help, then based on how Raven reacted to Ruby I don't think she got it lmao

And then. Oh, and then. We get Salem!

"Your mother said those words to me. She was wrong too."

"Her again?"

So like. Salem definitely met her. Had a whole-ass conversation with her, even.

And that fucking smile??? Salem did some shit to Summer. It's just a question of what, exactly?

Right. Okay. So after they kill the Hound and realize WHOOPS that was a person and he looks an awful lot like Ruby! and everyone reunites, Ruby says this:

"When I saw its eyes, I knew. Salem used to kill people with Silver Eyes, like Maria. But she’s always wanted me alive. Why would that change unless, when she met Mom, she learned she could do something new?"

Timeline-wise, this seems accurate! But I'd like to also insert TR into the equation. It's a little hard to tell given the uhh, body horror of it all, but he definitely looks younger than Qrow (which is maybe not saying a lot given that Raven looks at least ten years younger than Qrow and she's his twin lmao) and, more to the point, like he's probably younger than Summer.

Like, yeah, hard to tell, but I don't think this man is past forty. And even if he is, it doesn't seem like Salem's had him for very long, seeing as she never sent him after Ruby or the relics in previous volumes. So he's probably an example of what Salem's been doing to SEWs after Summer.

Also, Salem calls him an experiment, and says that so far she's pleased with the results. Meaning Summer isn't exactly a Hound, though I wouldn't say that puts grimmification off the table. Just that it's not in the exact same way he is. And it's worth pointing out that the way TR has been grimmified, it's left him completely without agency and unable to disobey Salem. Even after Ruby blasts the Grimm off his head, he's still left repeating "Take The Girl" over and over without any sign of whoever he used to be coming back to the surface. It's possible that is what Salem is referring to when she calls him a successful experiment.

So the way Salem has dealt with people with silver eyes has gone:

Maria (kill her) > Summer (?!?!) > TR (an... experiment) > Ruby (bring her to me alive)

Adding TR into the mix, it seems unlikely that the "something new" Salem learned she could do from Summer Rose would actually have been, y'know, a Hound. Plus from a narrative perspective, I don't think we're going to have Ruby literally saying exactly what happened to Summer into the camera only for her to turn up, Hound-ified just as expected, a couple volumes later. So, some possibilities:

Ruby is actually exactly correct about what happened to Summer, but she's not going to show up later so there's no reason not to just tell us. Personally I doubt it's this, given the way the mystery has been unfolding over eight volumes and counting. It'd be kind of weird to just tell us instead of showing us, or indeed having the Hound literally be Summer. Also, if Summer is a Hound too then why is TR an experiment?

Summer was Grimmified but didn't survive the process, so she gave Salem the idea but she's not actually a Hound. This also seems a bit odd to me given that would mean she's basically just dead like we assumed, but with extra steps. Like it's upsetting but it doesn't represent the kind of dramatic upheaval to the sisters' worldviews that it feels like this is building towards. It doesn't explain how fucking smug Salem is about the whole thing.

Summer was Grimmified, but didn't actually lose any agency. This would explain why Salem is still experimenting, and why she's so pleased with TR—he's even more singleminded in carrying out her goals than Tyrian is. It also fits with the way the Grimmification worked on Salem. Even after she jumped into the goop, she was still very much herself—it's possible it influenced her, but she was definitely capable of showing love and affection to both Ozma and her daughters. She just, uhh,,, was also willing to try and murder them. But it's unclear to me how much of that was Evil Goo and how much was just that there's no way a human being spends any significant length of time as the Last Woman Alive without some unpleasant side effects. We're social creatures and we do not generally do well when completely deprived of company.

Summer wasn't Grimmified at all, the whole Hound thing is a red herring.

In either 3 or 4, regardless of how much body horror happened, Ruby is wrong about what happened to Summer. And in order to not undercut that moment of utter despair at what probably happened to Summer... I feel like what actually did happen has to be. like. worse.

AND IT'S A TAD DIFFICULT TO GET WORSE THAN THE HOUND.

So. Time to put our tinfoil hats on: what if we add an element of horrible betrayal?

Yes this is a Summer-joined-Salem conspiracy post.

But hear me out okay! Circling back a bit, why wouldn't Summer tell any of the inner circle where she was going? If she talked to anyone, it was Raven, who had already noped the fuck out by the time Summer went on her final mission. Now, if it was just Tai and Qrow I'd say she might've kept it from them for the same reason everyone always keeps that secret—she didn't want them to lose hope. But... Ozpin already knows. There'd be no reason not to tell him what she was doing, unless she knew he'd try to stop her.

Now: my goal here is to make all this make sense, without altering the first foundational piece of characterization we get for Summer. Namely, "Super-Mom: Baker of cookies and slayer of giant monsters." I'm not saying Summer learned the truth and went, welp, if you can't beat 'em join 'em. Because both Summer and Raven tend to act as foils to Ruby and Yang, and "gave up immediately" doesn't feel like an interesting foil to Ruby's perserverence. But, if you find out that there's an existential threat to the entire world, and she can't be killed...

Isn't it worth trying to negotiate?

Especially if, say, you were absolutely desperate to end this war in your lifetime. Because Summer knows that if it's really impossible, if Salem can't be stopped, then Ruby will get dragged in whether she likes it or not. All because of a trait that Summer passed down to her.

Salem's been killing people with silver eyes, probably for millenia. It's easily possible that Summer had her own visit from someone like Tock, or noticed the same thing Maria's father did, that there's a suspicious lack of people with silver eyes considering how useful they are against the Grimm. As long as Salem is a threat, Ruby is going to be in that same danger. Forever.

So she has to do something, right? If there's even the tiniest chance she can end this now, before Ruby will ever have to suffer for it, before she gets pulled into an impossible war and Yang comes charging in after her, because of course she's going to try to help her sister... isn't that a chance worth taking?

This is why I think Raven knows some shit, by the by—when she's telling Yang about Salem, she actually kind of indirectly drops the same bomb that went off in Volume 6, it's just that she didn't do it in the same explicit terms that Jinn did. "She can't be stopped, she can't be reasoned with, and she will not rest until Humanity crumbles at her feet."

"Can't be stopped" is Raven's translation of can't be killed, since "We don't have to kill you to stop you" seems to be a flavor of terrifying exclusive to Ruby and apparently Summer. But "can't be reasoned with" implies that somebody tried. And like, let's be honest. Do we really think Raven was the one who decided to give diplomacy a go?

Not to mention this line, which I'm like 90% sure is referring to Summer:

"Or... you can go back to Qrow and join Ozpin's impossible war against Salem, and meet the same fate as so many others."

It really seems like Raven knows something she's not telling us. Like, if that is a reference to Summer's fate, does that mean Raven knows what it is, or is she just speculating like everyone else? Does she have a portal to Summer, and is that giving her information the others don't have? All that, combined with the fact that she's also way more bitter about Summer than everyone else, seems signficant.

Anyways. Let's say Summer decides to have a chat with Salem.

She can't tell Ozpin. He'd try to stop her, because he'd see it as a suicide mission. Qrow or Tai both might tell him, or agree with him and get in her way, so she keeps it from them too. Maybe she goes off completely by herself—or maybe she goes to Raven, because she's the only one who might be able to help who Summer knows won't breathe a word of it to Ozpin. Either way, Raven doesn't help her. She's not getting anywhere near Salem.

And then... well. Salem got here by manipulating people, by swaying them to her cause. Summer asks her what she actually wants out of all this. Isn't there some way they could resolve this without this endless war, all this endless death?

Important to note, I don't think we've heard Salem's motivation in her own words. At least, not since the Lost Fable, when she wanted to rule with Ozpin as the new gods of Remnant. I think it's safe to say at least a few things have changed since then. Closest I can think of is what she says to Cinder in Volume 8, "In pursuit of a new world, no cost is too great." Which is ominous, but also quite vague, and says nothing about what she plans to do with the relics.

Instead, we get a whole lot of people guessing. Ozpin thinks she wants to die. Tyrian thinks she wants to destroy the world. Hazel and Mercury think she wants to remake it, with no Huntsman Academies, with them as the new top dogs.

There's a pattern here—Salem never actually says what she wants, and other people have a habit of projecting their own motives onto her actions. Ozpin wants to die, Hazel wants to destroy the Huntsmen Academies, Mercury wants to be the one with the power so he's not getting hurt, and Tyrian's just in it for the chaos.

And it's not like Salem hasn't done stuff like that on purpose. By the time she started growing her army against the gods and telling people they would all steal immortality like she did, she'd already tried to kill herself. She didn't want immortality. She just let people think she did, because it was more convenient for her.

So if this agent of Ozpin's comes to her, absolutely desperate for a way to end the fight before it can come for her daughters, well... why not just tell her about the gods? About how Ozpin plans to one day reunite the relics, and submit Remnant to their judgment? About what might happen if he does?

(TBH I don't think Oz will ever do that, not because I think he's decided not to or anything like that, but because I doubt he'll ever see a humanity united enough for it to be worth trying. We're an argumentative bunch.)

But like. To Summer, all of a sudden there's this other, even bigger existential threat. And Salem isn't like Ozpin. She does have a plan! She wants to destroy the relics, so that the gods can never be resummoned, because of course she hates them and so she would never want them to come back!

(Again, not saying this is actually true, my best guess is that she's trying to bring them back so she can fight them again slkdfjlskdj)

And then, if they succeed, not only will the gods not be a threat anymore, Salem won't be a threat either. She'll have gotten what she wants!

"This can all... be... over..."

Summer has to finish this. There has to be a way for her to do this by herself, to save everyone, to put a stop to it all in time to protect her children! (Raven can't be right, it can't just be hopeless!)

From there, all Salem really needs to do is be a bit careful how much she tells her other followers about what she plans to do—which it seems like she has—and eventually find a way to either hide what relics she has or convince Summer that she's trying really hard to destroy them, definitely, pinky promise!

(And, as an aside: if true, it's very possible that the reason Salem's so insistent on keeping Ruby alive isn't that she wants to turn her into another Hound, but rather that was one of Summer's conditions.)

All this, of course, may or may not come with a sprinkle of Grimmification. Because why not add some body horror to the good old-fashioned betrayal horror! Though, if I'm right and not going completely off the wall here, I suspect it's probably more in the vein of Cinder than TR. Namely, like, consensual.

Regardless, it definitely feels like Summer has been idealized to a point that's just sort of... begging for trouble. She's the perfect Huntress. The best of us. The one who would have pressed on. And like, historically putting people on pedestals like that has not gone well in this show (see: Pyrrha). Not to mention the way trying to be the perfect Huntress that Summer was has been affecting Ruby over the years.

Also, definitely totally unrelated to all of the above: I think paragons that turn to evil despite or indeed because of all their wonderful paragon qualities FUCK SEVERELY and I would like to see it.

#rwby #rwby spoilers #rwby volume 9 #tbh only very briefly but I wanna be safe #summer rose #ruby rose #salem rwby #tinfoil hat time #cw suicide mention #(Salem's canonical failed attempts)#long post

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tleeaves · 5 months

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you're into homeopathy, right?? i find the internet is getting worse and worse at being able to find homeopathy writings from actually half decent sources. and it's really annoying bc we use it to help out with medical stuff for the guinea fowls when avian vet things are still in their infancy, and my grandma is the most knowledgeable in the family but i think mental health stuff has been influencing her intuition and idk what to do for her but also i really want to learn as holitic healing fascinates me. so where do you find yours?

In a sense, yes. More like I hate taking more pills and drugs than I need to since I've been having them heavily on and off since I was ten years old and it's taken a toll on my digestive system, and so I turned to some more natural remedies in my diet, and recently I've taken a dive into herbalism history and theory. The most I know is about herbalism, really, and just the things that are good for certain ailments. I'm no expert at all, so I'm always looking to other sources.

So, for holistic healing, or for looking for a place to start in that direction, I recommend several things from how I've gone about it in my experience:

Start online with any questions you have about foods/drinks. For example, you want to know the health benefits of chamomile or chamomile tea (the latter, in my view, being the best way to consume it anyway, and many sources agree), so you search it, and you also find out its uses. I recommend going to sites like healthline and Dr. Axe (I mostly use and trust healthline though, and I recommend always seeking out more than one source). Always seek the more medical sources, in my opinion.

If you don't know precisely what foods and things to begin, I would usually start then with a problem: ie. "foods to help with anxiety" and go from there (you'll see chamomile come up, as well as green tea (I'm very into tea-related remedies particularly)).

Go to your local library and borrow books on homeopathy, herbalism, and other related topics. You don't need to overload yourself -- I've only just started with herbalism books since I had the seeds of knowledge about it and wanted to expand a bit out of curiosity (I was led down the rabbit hole when looking into paganism and witchcraft, funnily enough).

Some towns have a specialty business for alternative medicine, or you can occasionally find what you're looking for (say, bottles of ginger pills or something) in a regular pharmacy. Otherwise, many ingredients are things you can find in your supermarket or garden, and be incorporated into dishes and brews.

As you seem to know, a fair amount of this tends to be passed down as families have their own variants of "home remedies". I know of one where my yiayia would use vicks but apply it to the sole of your foot before putting socks on to help with colds, and occasionally things to do with potato slices at night in your socks, or lemons in your mouth for other things -- I could ask her about it, but I haven't since I mostly have stuck to other things I know (I am not ready to coat my feet in goop). And I think everyone knows the eucalyptus steam trick for nasal congestion. But anyway, I would recommend asking someone whose knowledge you trust. I'm also lucky to know a few pharmacists, and I tend to check with them on everything, just in case. A pharmacist I would trust over a doctor in terms of medicinal cures, and I would encourage you to check with them at the counter on anything if/when you buy.

Anyway, I will always most strongly recommend books on the subject. Get a few so you can cross-reference the advice and information. Trust your gut as well, weird as that may sound. Know the herbs that can have adverse affects, try to stick with the safer items first. Definitely just learn more about how your diet affects your health holistically.

And that's all I've got! Hopefully you got something out of that, idk if my advice is all that good. Please don't sue, I do not claim to be an expert in anything at all. Homeopathy is not quite my area, I just think of it as "things humans can eat or drink that benefit their health" and work off that.

#homeopathy references #herbalism #learning and just starting out #keeping in mind that I'm still learning too #and I resort to books because I consume content easier that way #but I am also always skeptical of all information I read #I like to be careful #books are good but they're also not the final say on anything

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rosiesramblings · 2 years

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A Real Smile

WC: 2.2k

Fandom: Criminal Minds, ler!Spencer, lee!Reader

TW: Talk of depression and anxiety, general mental health problems

A/N: Okay I just want to say I tried to make it OBVIOUS in this fic that tickling does NOT fix or cure mental illness. Like, not even close. However, as someone who has struggled with this stuff for at least 8 years, having a solid support system DOES help. That's really what I wanted to portray in this fic. I love you all! And I hope you enjoy.

“What are you doing?” Reid’s voice jolted me out of my focus, and I forced my face to relax from the aggressively fake smile I had been wearing.

“Um. Paperwork?” I purposely misinterpreted the question, twisting nervously in my spinny office chair.

“I meant with your face,” Spencer said. He strode across the bullpen and hopped up onto my desk, fixing me with a stare that I knew from past experience meant that he wasn’t going to drop this until I told him.

I sighed, looking around to make sure nobody was eavesdropping. To my surprise, there was nobody else in the bullpen. Hotch’s light was still on in his office, but other than that it was completely deserted. I glanced at the clock, and oh my god it was almost half past nine. Shit. I really hadn’t meant to stay this late. At least nobody else was around to notice my weird coping mechanisms.

I looked up at Reid. “You can’t laugh,” I said.

“Why would I laugh?” he asked genuinely.

“Because it’s… silly at best, embarrassing at worst,” I explained.

“Ok. No laughing. Now what was that face? It looked like you were in pain.”

“So, I read online that the action of smiling, even if it’s a fake smile, triggers the release of happy brain chemicals. If I’m being honest, depression has been kicking my ass lately, and when it gets like this I fake smile when I’m doing paperwork for especially hard cases to try and trick my brain into thinking I’m happy,” I said, staring resolutely just past Reid’s shoulder, not making eye contact.

He didn’t say anything. I panicked.

“I know it’s dumb and that the fake smiling thing was geared more towards normal people who are having a bad day and probably doesn’t actually do much to help people with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder but I figure it’s better than nothing or moping alone at my desk all day and -”

Reid puts a hand on my shoulder, stopping my ramble in its tracks. “Woah, Y/N, it’s ok. I don’t think it’s weird at all. I just… why didn’t you say anything?”

“Say anything about my fake smiling? Probably because I don’t think -”

“No, I mean, why didn’t you tell anybody on the team that you’re struggling?” Reid asked, voice impossibly gentle. His hand is still on my shoulder, and it’s kind of all I can concentrate on. It’s been so long since somebody just - touched me? Which sounds so stupid and pathetic and anyway, he asked me a question.

“Um. Well I didn’t tell Hotch or Rossi because I don’t want them to think that I can’t do my job. And I didn’t tell the rest of you because I’m just used to dealing with this on my own, I guess? It honestly didn’t even occur to me to say something.”

I risk a glance at Spencer’s face and he looks devastated. Jesus. It’s like I told him his dog died or something. I scramble, trying to figure out the best thing to say, not having the faintest idea how to fix it.

“It’s really not that big a deal, Reid, I promise. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, I just have to buckle down and get through these next few weeks until she can adjust my meds,” I say. “In the meantime, I just… try and find little ways to make it better. Hence the fake smiling.”

Reid still looks sad. He hops down from my desk and stands next to my chair. “According to the current research, an embrace would offer more of an increase in endorphin production in the brain than smiling, fake or not,” he says, the fingers on his left hand rubbing at his sweater sleeve.

Unbidden, tears sprung to my eyes. I blinked hard and tried for a teasing tone to cover it. “Dr. Reid, are you asking if I want a hug?”

My voice cracked. Goddammit.

He just raised his eyebrows and opened his arms.

I heaved a breath out, hard. “Ok, ok, just… give me a minute. Cause if you hug me right this second I will cry,” I said, tugging my hands through my hair and staring up at the ceiling, trying to get a handle on my emotions.

Spencer just nodded solemnly. “That would be counterproductive.”

I gave a half-laugh. Then I stood up, shaking out my arms, before looking at him and squinting. “Wait, are you sure? I know handshakes aren’t your thing so isn’t a hug worse-ah!”

Without preamble, Reid grabbed my hand and yanked me toward him, wrapping his arms around me.

Oh. Oh.

His sweater was soft and warm, and my head fit perfectly underneath his chin. One of his arms ran up and down my spine softly, and the other one held me tightly to him. I let out a shuddery breath as I relaxed into his embrace.

This was the safest I’d felt in a while.

“You might be onto something with the endorphins thing,” I mumbled into his chest.

Spencer’s laugh rumbled through his ribcage. The best feeling. “I have an IQ of 187. I’m usually ‘onto something’.”

He rocked me gently back and forth, and I let my eyes flutter closed.

Only to stiffen and stifle a laugh when Reid switched from rubbing my back to running his fingers across my shoulder blades. I pressed my lips into a line, trying to remain as natural as possible. I didn’t want the hug to end, and I really didn’t want Spencer to find out how much that tickled.

Reid’s voice was suspiciously neutral when he next spoke. “You know, it’s not just hugs that release endorphins,” he said.

I hummed, hoping that he was planning on going on a tangent that would distract him from asking about the sudden tension in my body.

“Things like high fives, pats on the back, cuddling, all these activities cause so-called “happy brain chemicals” to flood your nervous system.”

“Huh,” I said, barely listening as his touch on my shoulder blades seemed to lighten and become even more unbearable. Don’t move. Don’t move. Don’t move. Don’t -

“Actually, there is one more activity that helps the brain produce endorphins,” Spencer continued.

“It’s been observed in other species, including chimpanzees, rats, and bonobos, and can induce a fight-or-flight response, which actually reduces stress levels.”

“Oh yeheah?” Shit. Hopefully the giggle was muffled by his sweater.

“Mhm. So I guess we should probably see if it helps you, since the benefits are so clearly so immense,” he said, his fingers still dancing across my shoulders.

“Okay,” I said, proud that I kept the laughter out of my voice.

“So tell me, Y/N… are you ticklish?” Fuck.

“WhahahaAHAHAT?” I burst into laughter when he suddenly lowered his hands and dug deep into my sides.

Spencer just laughed with me. “Unfortunately, knismesis, what I was doing to your shoulder blades earlier, hasn’t been studied in this context. However, gargalesis, this squeezing that I’m doing,” he demonstrated enthusiastically, making me shriek. “That has been proven to give those mental health benefits.”

“Reheheheheid,” I giggled.

“Yes? What seems to be the problem, Y/N?” he asked pleasantly.

“Yohohou’re - yohohohou’re - gohohohd, please go somewhere ehehehehelse,” I said, my face burning as I realized I didn’t really want him to stop.

“Your wish is my command,” he teased, picking me up and sitting me on the edge of my desk, where he had been moments earlier. He backed up, put a few inches of space between us, and I frowned, thinking he was done. Instead, he reached between us and vibrated his hand over the skin of my belly.

“Ahahahahahaha! Wahahahait, not thehehehehere,” I begged. My hands tried to grab his, but he was too fast and I was too uncoordinated.

“Actually, you didn’t specify. All you said was, and I quote, ‘Please go somewhere else’,” Spencer explained.

Nononononohohohohoho,” I laughed, squirming and knocking my cup full of pens to the floor.

“I have an eidectic memory, Y/N. If you had asked me not to get your tummy, I would remembered,” Spencer teased.

“Dohohn’t cahahahall it thahahat,” I snickered, pressing my face into his shoulder in embarrassment.

“What? Big, bad, Special Agent Y/N L/N is flustered by the word ‘tummy’?” Reid asked, moving his other hand up to squeeze at my ribs.

“Spencer! We’re ahahat wohohork! Don’t - don’t teASE,” I yelped.

“Hotch is the only other one still here. Nobody’s gonna see you,” Spencer said gently. “Plus, I’m pretty sure that Hotch would agree with me that you haven’t laughed nearly enough this week.”

“Ohohoho my gohohod,” I giggled, giving up on trying to stop him and fisting my hands in the back of his sweater, desperate to hold on to something.

“Ah, thank you! Easy access to your underarms,” Reid smiled, worming his fingers there and lighting my nerves on fire.

I tensed my shoulders as I laughed, knowing that putting my arms down would undoubtedly make it a thousand times worse.

“Tell you what,” Reid said diplomatically. “Since you’ve been such a good sport about this, and because I am a merciful and benevolent god,” I snorted at him. “If you tell me your worst spot, I’ll only tickle you there for a little bit and then we’ll be done.”

My voice pitched up an octave. “Whahahahaat?”

“Your choice, Y/N. We can stop soon, or I can keep going until you’re literally just a puddle of giggles on the floor.”

Oh, this was so not fair.

“Well? I’m waiting,” Reid said, digging into the tops of my ribs and making me cackle.

“Ugh - fihihihine, fihihihine! It’s my hiIHIHIHIHIPS REHEHEHEID NO!” I screamed crazily, shocked that no night security guards had come running.

“Good choice, Y/N. Would it help if I counted down?” Deftly pressing his thumbs deep into my hip bones, he took me apart as casually as if we were having lunch together.

“IHIHIHIT WOULD NOHOHOT,” I laughed.

“Hm. I’m going to anyway. You can do it, just ten more seconds…”

“REEHEHEHEID.”

“Nine…”

“YOU SUHUHUCK.”

“Eight… seven… six… five…”

“SPENCER PLEHEHEHASE,” I gasped, absolutely losing my mind.

“You’re doing so well! Four… three… “

“THIHIHIHIS IS A WAHAHAR CRIHIHIME.”

“Oh, don’t be a baby. Two… aaaaaaand one!”

With that, he stopped kneading into my hips and rubbed a firm hand up and down my back. I just stayed where I was, arms wrapped around him, face hidden in his sweater, laughing and waiting for the ghost-tickles to go away.

“Ohohoho my god… my sihihides,” I giggled, feeling the wonderful ache in my lungs of having had a good laugh.

“Feeling any better?” Spencer asked cheekily.

“Mahahaybe a little,” I mumbled. I considered my next words. “Definitely not cured, but the world does seem a little less… horrible.”

“Good,” Spencer said simply.

We sat in silence for a minute, enjoying each other’s company.

“Listen,” Spencer said, pulling back and looking at my face. “You absolutely don’t have to tell anybody else. I certainly won’t. This is your business, and if you want to keep it that way that’s fine. But, telling the team might help. A lot of us struggle with mental health stuff sometimes. You might be surprised by the support.”

I hummed, considering.

“I am, however, absolutely going to tell them that you’re ticklish,” Spencer grinned. “I’m sure they’ll take advantage of the information. Nobody has to know that it helps your depression.”

I whined, mostly just putting on a show, “Seriously?”

“Definitely. These next few weeks before your psych appointment are going to fly by,” Reid said, tweaking my sides and making me squeak.

The (real, tickle-induced) smile slowly faded from my face and I looked at him seriously. “You’re a good friend, Dr. Reid.”

“So are you, Agent L/N.”

I pushed myself off my desk. “Okay. We have both been here for entirely too long. Want to come back to my apartment for a movie or something?”

“Sure! I’ve been on a major Wes Anderson kick lately,” Spencer said, walking over to grab his messenger bag.

Just then, both of our phones buzzed. “Oh, please tell me we don’t have a case,” I begged, tossing my stuff into my bag as Reid looked at his screen.

He grinned. “Nope, no case. Although, you might find a case preferable to this.” He flipped his phone towards me and played the video that was just sent to the BAU group chat.

The unmistakable sound of my laughter filled the room and my face burned as I watched Spencer-from-five-minutes-ago wreck me in third person on the the screen. The angle of the shot made it pretty obvious that it was filmed from the doorway of Hotch’s office.

“Hotch!” I squealed, covering my face with my hands.

“Well, that’s one thing checked off my to-do list,” Spencer laughed.

“Oh my god… I’m turning off my phone,” I said, even as embarrassing gifs from Emily and Morgan and a bunch of rainbow hearts from Garcia flooded my notifications.

“C’mon,” Spencer said, throwing his arm around me. “I’m sure you’ll live this down… in a few years.”

I stuck my tongue out at him as he walked us toward the elevator. This time, the smile stuck onto my face was a real one.

#tickle fic #tfb community #tickling #criminal minds fic #lee!reader #ler!spencer reid #hotch is a little shit and he knows it #tw depression #tw anxiety #keep yourselves safe kids

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nogoodthing-official · 6 months

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No Good Thing: Shorts

S-1: A New Beginning

Synopsis:

This is the canon story of how Brock and Maxim first meet. Since it’s not going to be gone over in the main story, I decided to make it its own short story (“short” is used very lightly here). This was incredibly self-indulgent and the writing is a little… cringy weird since I tried to make the conversations flow naturally in this, and the descriptions are a bit clunky, but I hope you’ll enjoy it regardless! If there’s anything I need to fix with my writing, don’t hesitate to let me know. And this is actually the first time I’ve done cover art for this!

This will be set in the past, so Brock is 19 and Maxim is 21 in this short.

(This is your daily reminder that they do not live on Earth)

Read:

10 years ago, Brock was a very different person. He doesn’t like to talk about his younger years, but out of everything that’s happened when he was a teenager, there was one part of it that he remembers and cherishes deeply.

When Brock was 19, he was very aloof and antisocial. Rarely looked up from the ground, rarely made eye contact, rarely laughed, rarely smiled. You could argue that he doesn’t smile much now, but you just don’t know how bad it got at one point. His eyes had dark rings under them from a lack of sleep and an overall poor sense of taking care of himself. Most of his wardrobe was bought for the sole purpose of blending in, since he hated attracting attention to himself. The entire whirlwind of stuff he had to deal with in his teenage years made his mental health worse. He didn't like talking to other people, so he didn't have any friends, aside from his previous teachers, but he felt that it was their job to like him. He was seeing a therapist, but he didn't feel like he was getting better. If anything it was calling more attention to the fact that he was not mentally stable. Not normal. His social skills were taking a toll from all of the combined mental issues, which only made his chance at making friends more and more difficult.

One day, he was sitting at the park, as per his mother urging him to take more time to be outside. He didn’t really have any plans for anything to do once he got there, so he brought his sketchbook and just spent a majority of his time drawing in the park. It was virtually the same thing that he was doing while inside, but at least it was outside this time, so it was better for him. While sitting on a picnic bench, minding his own business, drawing or doodling anything that came to his mind, he saw a shadow loom from over the right side of the table, until it fell onto his sketchbook. He didn’t acknowledge it at first, until the shadow spoke.

“Hello!”

Brock jumped a little too hard at the sudden voice. It was louder than the ambient sounds of the park. The person’s voice was very baritone, so baritone that he thought it was one of the few adults that he knew. But when he looked up at who greeted him, he had full sight of the person’s appearance, one that he could only describe as antithetical to his voice. He had a light blue sweater with denim jeans, and the shirt appeared to have colorful stickers on it, but upon closer examination were actually ironed-on patches. On his left arm, he had so many beaded bracelets of different colors and sizes that it was hard to believe that they weren’t weighing his arm down. The most eye-catching thing, however, was the hat that he was wearing. It was neon green and had long mittens that went down the side of his head, each mitten having a paw print on the palm and felt claws at the end. The top of the hat had a cat face with a pink Mohawk along with cat ears. The hat actually looked familiar. He remembered seeing it in a store, but only vaguely. Under the hat was a messy head of fluffy, dusty brown hair, complimenting his fair skin tone. The person himself was a few inches taller than Brock, but he had a much bigger frame. He was far more muscular than Brock was, but still slightly less muscular than most people he had seen before. His round, blue eyes were staring at him, waiting for a response. Brock was still taking in his overwhelming appearance. The person suddenly looked apologetically at him, after noticing how long he was silently staring at him.

“Oh, sorry, did I startle you? I forget how loud I am at times.”

Brock glanced at his sketchbook, still staring at the person.

“I just came over to see what you were doing. Uh, which, now that i’m closer, looks like drawing. Can I see?”

Brock considered his options carefully. On one hand, he had no idea who this person was or why he was talking to him, let alone why he would care about something he was doing. He might not have the best intentions. On the other hand, he willingly came up to him to talk. Out of everyone else in the park. Who knows when that would happen again?

“…sure.”

The person smiled before walking to the other side of him, sitting beside him before scooting a bit away, to give him some space. The person looked over each finished piece, as well as the occasional idle doodle or unfinished sketches in awe.

“Woww, these are really good! What did you use for these?”

Brock, not used to the praise, found it difficult to find a response. “Oh u-uh… just colored pencil, fine-tipped pen, marker, it’s not really that great, it's just what I do when i’m bored…”

“Well, it’s better than what I could do, that's for sure.”

The person looked over the sketches again and again, clearly not getting enough of it. “Man, I wish I had the patience to make something with this much detail,” he handed the sketchbook back to Brock. “The best I could do was make all of these Kandi bracelets.”

“Kandi” bracelets? So that’s what they were called… “You… made all of those?”

“Yeah!” The person beamed with pride. “I make them as a hobby. Some of my friends think it’s kinda childish, but I enjoy making them.”

Brock looked over the bracelets more carefully this time. Some bracelets had beads with letters, some had intricate patterns, some even had charms with the same character he was wearing on his hat. They personally weren’t his style, and he admittedly had to agree with his aforementioned friends, but he also had to admit, by looking at them he could tell that he obviously had lots of experience. They look like he put a lot of effort into it. It was obviously a source of pride for him. Brock decided to take that into account. “I think they look nice.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, those look like they took a long time to make. I’m glad that you can channel your creativity into a medium that you can enjoy.” Brock internally chastised himself the projection on that compliment.

“Aww gee, that's really nice of you to say. Yeah, they do take a while, and I’ve actually made a lot more than these.” He lifts and studies over his bedazzled arm with a look you’d expect from an archaeologist looking over a newly discovered fossil. “I’d have to say that these are four out of… 50 bracelets I’ve made? It’s been a while since I’ve done an actual count, but-”

“50?”

“Hahah, yeah! I actually have a few pictures of the ones I made! I started making them 3 years ago…”

Brock and the stranger talked for about 15 minutes about their art, their stories from school, their families. It was starting to get dark and the stranger had to go. As the stranger started to make his way out of the park, Brock suddenly started feeling… something. He started feeling sick. He started feeling lonelier with each step he was taking away from him. No. He didn't want to feel like this now. He was desperate for interaction, any interaction at this point. He didn’t care that he was a complete stranger. He actually engaged with him, was actually interested in what he was talking about, he treated him like a person. He wasn’t just a random stranger, he was a stranger who made him feel like what he said actually mattered to people, something he hasn’t felt in years, and now he was walking away. Who knows if he might see him again. Who knows if anyone else will even talk with him again. He was mentally screaming at himself to break out of his stupor and do something. He’s almost at the gate. Do something. NOW.

“WAIT!” Brock practically shouts at the stranger, causing him to whirl his head around towards his direction, stopping only a few feet away from the park’s exit. Brock rushed over to him from the other side of the park where he was sitting, stopping before him and doubling over to catch his breath, his heart pounding in his ears so hard that he almost couldn’t hear anything else. After a few seconds of heavy panting, his heartbeat slowing, and Maxim politely waiting, he asks him, “W-what’s your name?”

The person looked like he forgot something important. “Oh! My apologies, I guess I never really told you, huh? My name is Maxim.”

Brock took a few more seconds to catch his breath. “Maxim. Okay. My name is… Brock.”

“Nice to meet you, Brock!”

Brock nods in response, finally getting ahold of his breathing. He pored over how to ask this question without sounding desperate. “Do you… want to meet up here again? Maybe tomorrow? I mean, if you are busy or aren't feeling up for-”

Maxim chimes in immediately, obviously having the same thought. “That sounds like a great idea! It was pretty fun talking with you.” His face then brightens up with and idea in mind. “…Actually, I have another great idea!” He immediately takes out his phone and unlocks it, excitedly swiping to somewhere only he knows. “Oh wait, uh, can I borrow your phone, if you have one?” Brock takes out his phone and hands it to him. Maxim takes it and fiddles with it for a few seconds, occasionally glancing at his own phone, before handing it back to Brock. “There. Now we won’t have to come out here every time we want to talk to each other! Plus it’s just easier.” He puts away his phone and opens up the gate before starting on his way back home, pausing to say goodbye to Brock through the chain-link fence. “Hopefully we can pick our conversation up where we left off tomorrow!”

Brock just nodded in response. Maxim smiled sweetly at him before saying goodbye and making his way back home. He looks at his phone to see what he could've possibly done with it, and saw that it was opened up to his phone app…

…with Maxim’s phone number. And upon further examination, he made a contact in his text messages. He had to test this. He typed in a simple “hello” and sent it to the contact. Seconds later, he saw a response.

“;P”

It was Maxim. Holy shit.

He had a friend.

———————————————————————————————————————

It had been a few months since Brock befriended Maxim. To be honest, he didn't even know what happened to that even attract that guy to himself. He seemed like the exact opposite in personality and appearance, even in interests. But he had to admit, it was nice. He learned more about him over the rest of the year, like his other hobbies, other than bracelet making. He learned that his full name is Maxim Torres. He learned that Maxim also apparently collects these small stuffed animals, even ones that have been discontinued, and enjoys studying about scout badges. Brock has a few stuffed animals of his own, as well as ones from when he was still a baby, so as soon as he heard the phrase “stuffed animal”, he was instantly hooked. Aside from the park, they also regularly went to places that they both had interest in, like the library or the mall, and other times just played around in the more wooded areas of their neighborhood. Brock also started to notice himself acting less guarded around him, too. He would be more relaxed and act less emotionally distant than if he wasn’t around him. He felt more motivated to take care of himself and looked forward to going outside. He even started to smile more, too. He really started to look up to him and aspire to be more like him. More easygoing.

But recently, Brock also noticed weird happenings with himself. He started to find his that body acts weird when he was around him. It would get harder to find words or enunciate his thoughts around him, and would start being more quiet. Whenever he accidentally brushed against his arm or hand, his hand would react by shaking violently. Hugs usually had the same effect, but then he would just start melting into him, and almost become drowsy. There have been times where he almost dozed off when Maxim hugged him. Whenever Maxim would compliment his art or, let’s be honest, make eye contact or smile at him, his heart would start racing, usually attempting to return the smile with very little success, and hearing his voice would make the room feel hotter than it actually was. Not only that, he kept finding something that he didn’t notice about his eyes before every time he looked at them. Something that made them… nice to look at. Something that makes him feel calm when he sees them. He even started having… “dreams.” What was happening? Brock wasn't sure why this was happening to him, at first he started to think that he was starting to relapse in his behavior. But after a few days of questioning and a few weekly therapy sessions, he finally got an answer. He liked Maxim. In fact, he loved Maxim. Romantically.

He hid his feelings for a while. He didn’t want to ruin his friendship with Maxim in the very likely event that he didn't like him romantically. He started to distance himself from Maxim, seeing any interaction with him as a way to deepen his affection for him and make things worse, and therefore harder to ignore. He wouldn’t talk to him unless he urged him to, avoided any physical contact, and just spent the day stewing in his own feelings and thoughts. One day, while in his bed, after a long night of staring at his ceiling, he hears the chime on his phone go off, snapping him away from his trance. He checks to see who it is and tries to ignore the sickening butterflies in his stomach as he read who texted him.

Maxim.

He read the text. “Hey dude, are you okay?” Over time, he noticed that Maxim texted closer to correct grammar when he was worried about something. Brock mulled over what he should do. He started typing.

“yes”

A reply came in a few seconds later. “Meet me at the park, I wanna tell you something”

Ignoring how it was currently the middle of the night, he took a few minutes to wake up, stepped out his window, and made his way to the park. When he got there, he saw Maxim waiting at the picnic table.

“Hey, you made it! Hopefully I didn't disturb your sleep.”

Not like he could sleep. Brock found sleeping difficult after his recent discovery, so he was actually thankful for that text. He couldn't tell him every detail though. “No, you didn't.”

“I wanted to tell you about this idea that I got! I really think you'll like it!”

Brock had nothing better to do. “What?”

“A New Year's Eve party!”

Brock took a moment for his ears to catch up with his words. “…a what?”

“A New Year's Eve party!” He begins rattling off his research. “I’ve read about it online and apparently, on Earth, the year ends after it makes a full revolution around their sun, so their year is 365 days long. And as it turns out, their planet will finish its revolution tomorrow! So, how about we try and have a celebration as well, just for fun?”

Brock considered the honestly weird offer. He wasn’t interested in social events, and he hated asking if anyone else would be there, as if it would convey that whether he was interested or not based on the answer. But he had to know. “…Is anyone else going to be there?”

“No, it’ll just be a you-and-me thing. I noticed that you were kinda down lately, and I thought that this would help with that. It’ll be in my ~crafting room~,” he said the words “crafting room” with a flourish, like he always did. Brock stifled a chuckle. “And my parents will be very busy, so it’ll just be us! I know how you aren't that into crowds.”

God, he was so sweet. Brock tried to calm down his beating heart while he considered an answer. Hmm, well… if no one else will be there and the house will be empty… but… hm. You know what, why not. He never really considered how he was making him feel by distancing himself away from him, and it was the least he could do. Wasn’t that a thing normal people do? Consider how others feel? And if he was really doing all this to make him feel better… he would hate to turn him down. He focused on Maxim again and his heart almost broke. He looks like a kicked puppy. No, he couldn’t say no to this, especially with how much he spent planning it.

“…Brock?”

“…Alright, I’ll do it. What time do you want me to be there?”

Maxim visibly perked up. “11:00 P.M.!”

Brock made sure to set an alarm when he got home.

———————————————————————————————————————

At the “party”, more like a private get-together for two, it was pretty calm. It was located in the aforementioned crafting room, which looked more like a repurposed basement, but even for a basement it was pretty large. There was an old TV on a stand in front of a couch that looked older than the TV. There was a table with a lamp in the corner, as well as multiple clear containers of bracelets and beads. The floor had carpet, but the walls were pretty much uncovered. Overall, the atmosphere was surprisingly homey. Most of the time remaining was spent watching whatever was on the TV before turning it to the Earth Broadcast Channel that he had on his old TV. Maxim spent a few more minutes making more Kandi bracelets while Brock watched. It was mesmerizing to see how he made them. Overall, the entire thing was uneventful. Brock couldn't have asked for anything more.

A few minutes before the end of the year (at least on Earth), they both turned their attention back to the EBC, seeing the camera broadcasting the large crowds of people cheering, gathered in a city that, honestly, they didn't know the name of. Confetti littered the streets and there was a large structure that looked like a gigantic disco ball on top of a tall structure.

“Wow, they really take this “end of the year” thing seriously, huh?” Maxim asked.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, they really do.” Brock tried to look like he was interested in the TV, but internally he was boiling in his feelings. He didn't have butterflies anymore, he had an entire solarium. He looked over at Maxim to see if he could notice. His eyes were glued to the TV, mesmerized by a celebration that he had never seen recorded before. In that moment, Brock got an idea. Not voluntarily. This idea kept growing and growing in the back of his mind over time and got stronger every day. No matter how much he tried to push it back down to its original size, it just made it stronger. God, he hated this idea, but it was going to get out of him one way or another. After mustering as much confidence as he could with his current mindset, he turned to Maxim. “Hey, Max?”

Maxim snapped out of staring at the TV. “Yeah?”

“Ummm… I uhhhmmm…… okay, can you do something for me?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“I, uhh, need you to psych me up. As hard as you can. And don’t stop doing it until I get enough courage to… do it.”

“Do what?”

“Um… you’ll know.”

Maxim happily obliged and started to speak words of affirmation to Brock. “C’mon Brock! You can do it, not exactly sure what, but i’m sure you'll be able to do it anyway!”

Brock started taking deep breaths, readying himself and praying that he can gain the courage to not choke on his own words.

“Come on!! You can do it!! Just keep breathing, you'll get there!!” Maxim was practically shouting words of encouragement by now. “Come on!! Do it, do it, DO IT!!!”

Let’s hope this works.

“DO IT! DO IT! DO I-”

“I like you!”

Maxim looked surprised for a moment, before asking him to repeat himself. “What?”

“I… like you,” Brock repeats, taking deep breaths like it took all his energy to say that. “I don’t know when these feelings started, or if they’ll ever end. I just… like being around you. You always seem to be like this, optimistic person, and I strived to be like that. I started looking up to you because of that, but I guess while I did, I also found… other reasons to like you, too. Romantically, I mean. So… I like you. And I was scared that you wouldn't feel the same way, and I didn’t want to misread the situation and… accidentally jeopardize our friendship. I’ve never had a friendship, a real one, in so long, and I just… didn’t want to ruin it so soon. So I just… kept quiet. For a while. Until now. By some random boost of confidence, I decided that I wanted to tell you how I feel about you. And regardless of if you feel the same way or not,” Brock stares at the floor. “I wanted to get this off my chest before… I wouldn't be able to.”

Brock was silent for a while, dreading the lack of words coming from Maxim’s side of the room. The silence was deafening. He could feel his ears starting to ring. He could feel the blood rush to his face as he felt like he was either going to cry or pass out. He felt sick. He didn’t want to lose Max. He didn't like losing anyone. He hated losing people. He finally started the first friendship he had since a year after he moved here, the first real friendship in years… and it was going end because he had too much reassurance in how he felt. His mind spiraled further and further into the pit of alternate choices he could've made that would’ve helped him avoid this. He could feel his heart sinking into his stomach, but before it could reach the bottom, Maxim spoke after what felt like hours.

“No way, I like you too!”

His honesty hit him like a truck and brought him back to reality. “… Really??”

“Yeah! Honestly, I feel like it was a slow progression of more and more positive feelings that I got only when I was around you. I started feeling more like hanging out with you whenever I felt sad or upset, and I would feel better as soon as I saw you. You also have this… emotional maturity that I wish I had, seeing you offer these well-put and well-thought out solutions to any problems me or my siblings or my friends have makes me wish I could have what you have that makes it look so easy. And…” Maxim starts to blush as he looks away, embarrassed. “I love making you happy… because whenever you're happy… you have this… adorable smile. Your eyes light up in a way that makes me feel… dizzy, almost. And your laughter? Oh my gosh, I feel like I could listen to it all day. It just makes me feel happier seeing you smile, but I was afraid that you weren’t romantically interested in someone like me… someone immature...”

“I was scared you just hung out with me out of pity or something!”

Maxim paused. “…Why?”

“I—” Brock thought for a moment. In his shock, he forgot about how he even came to that conclusion in the first place. “I… don’t know.”

Maxim scoots closer to Brock and reassuringly puts his hand on his. “Well, it’s okay. Looks like we were both scared of nothing, huh?”

Be still his beating heart. “Heh, yeah…” Brock stared at his feet, as a familiar uncertainty started to creep into his thoughts. Even though he pretty much outright told him, he still needed to make sure. “… do you really mean that? You actually… like-like me?”

“Yeah dude! I like-like you. I guess… I love you.”

Brock's heart was beating a mile a minute at how fast he admitted it. His blush was covering his whole face at this point. His heart was pounding in his chest so hard and it felt like the room was 100 degrees hotter. Was this real??? He suddenly focused on Maxim. His face was so close. He couldn't stop staring at his eyes. …His eyes. Those wonderfully blue eyes. Those beautifully ethereal colors. They seemed to look even more beautiful than they were before. The soothing effects of his eyes still remained, as Brock’s heartbeat finally started to slow down. It felt like the world was still, like a huge weight was off his shoulders, like he could finally breathe now, but at the same time it felt like a whole new weight was settling directly on top of his lungs that was making it hard to breathe again. His gaze slowly shifted to his lips, and he tried multiple times to keep eye contact, but his eyes felt like betraying him today. Of all days. Maxim looked confused for a moment before following where his eyes were staring at. He picked up pretty quickly on what he was thinking, blush starting to fade into his skin.

“…H-hey Max?”

Maxim clears his throat. “Yeah?”

“C-can… I, uh… uhm…,” Brock knew it was too early, he knew this was his first kiss, but he didn't care. All he wanted right now was to feel this from the only person who felt the same way. Love. But he didn't even know if Maxim even wanted to kiss eithe-

Maxim caresses Brock’s hand. “Hey, we can take this slow if you want. You look like you're about to pass out. If you're not ready yet, we don't have to kiss right now if you don't want to-”

“NO!” Brock felt embarrassed at how he practically screamed the answer. He lowered his voice. “No… I want to kiss too… but I just… feel nervous…” Brock looked at his shaking hands as Maxim gently held and squeezed them reassuringly, Brock’s heart fluttering at the simple gesture, but this time he had no reason to ignore it. His gaze traveled from his arms to his face, and he felt calm again as he saw those eyes staring back at him.

“Don’t be.”

They both slowly inch their faces closer, closing their eyes as they closed the space between them, their lips connecting into a soft kiss, as the timer on the TV reached zero. Maxim leaned closer to him to deepened the kiss slightly. Brock, obviously new to this, didn't know how to handle this but tried to mirror his movements. After a few seconds of silence were caused by the buffering broadcast, then it was broken again by the applause coming back from the televised crowd. They both pulled away from each other to catch their breath, Brock breathing harder than Maxim. His face was red from the extremely unfamiliar moment shared between the two of them. Maxim notices how much Brock was breathing, and motions for him to rest on his shoulder, and after a few more seconds of gaining his composure, he accepts the offer. He awkwardly shifts over and leans against Maxim's shoulder, his body relaxing after Maxim’s arm is draped around him.

After a few seconds of watching the live TV footage of the cheering crowds, Maxim decides to break the silence.

“So,” Maxim finally said. “How does this feel?”

Brock is silent as he takes time to consider the question. After a few seconds, he says his answer in a hushed whisper, smiling as he rests his head deeper into Maxim’s shoulder. “…perfect…”

—————————————————————————————————

I hope you enjoyed this! I’ll be posting the lone cover art tomorrow morning! 🥦❤️❄️

#no good thing #shorts #original story #brock l. floret #maxim torres #writeblr #ngt shorts

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xxlovelynovaxx · 2 months

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Screenshot:

Gods I hate lists like these.

First of all, they literally say in the notes their only issues with wicca outside of appropriation (which they acknowledge is not inherent to the practice and also list later) are it being the most mainstream form of "magic practice" and being "mostly ineffective" and "not real magic". Same with spell jars. Hunny, you're doing MAGIC, you have no leg to stand on with what's "real" or not, and I say this as someone who DOES believe in magic.

Second, they have reality shifting in the same category as actually bigoted and harmful things because it "encourages delusions" and "causes suicide". No, CULTLIKE practices that HAPPEN to use that might. Reality shifting is not INHERENTLY harmful.

Also, as a schizophrenic person who experiences delusions, shut the fuck up. Every religion that exists can feed into a psychotic person's delusions, especially when being pushed by charlatans. Not one is inherently so, even for SPECIFICALLY psychotic people. Not all delusions are even harmful. Like please, educate yourself before talking over psychotic people (even if you are one).

Changelings. Okay, that can potentially have weirdness, but again, not inherently harmful. Also didn't call out the person who said otherkin is also a delusion thing (which, even in cases of endelity, is what's known as a EULUSION, or a harmless and sometimes even helpful delusion that is fine and healthy to acknowledge, but in either case isn't bad).

Literally what do you mean by self-harm. If you're a fat liberationist you'll acknowledge that fasting is very nearly inherently a form of self-harm (not even counting for people with eating disorders, since most of these religions do have rules against participating in fasts if it'll be SIGNIFICANTLY harmful, but just fasting at ALL), but you'll STILL be a bigot towards MULTIPLE religions if you say people shouldn't fast religiously.

Visualization can be energy work. Magic's "efficacy" varies based on belief system and insisting that there are "wrong ways" of doing it makes it sound like you might in fact believe in "one right (set of) way(s)" for doing magic ("one right way" is bad but correspondences and wicca and visualization are all red flags that should prompt an instablock). Half of these things are utterly harmless and the other half are actual literal bigotry.

Here's a good block list for witchy stuff:

Appropriative assholes

Bigots and white supremacists, including ones who use the listed dogwhistles

People who tell you that certain types of magic are useless or wrong.

Anti-otherkin and its more recent sibling, anti-reality shifters.

People who condescendingly explain that a certain practice/s is "bad for mental health" and speak for all psychotic people, especially if not psychotic themselves.

In fact, anyone who uses phrases like "causes/encourages delusions". I've seen that enough in syscourse that THAT'S a red flag for someone who doesn't know what the shit they're saying about mental health OR spiritual practices.

People who take issue with you exercising your autonomy even in ways that harm yourself.

Anyone exhibiting red flags according to the BITE model, especially who is trying to isolate you from others.

Like, I actually agree with most of the things in red, except for reality shifting, blood magic stuff, and "self-harm" as a vague nebulous taboo (I do think encouraging healthy practice is good, but as someone who has literally self-harmed in general, this is not at all helpful in doing so, and as a disabled fat trans person, "self-harm" has been wielded against me too many times for me to trust anything that even ENCROACHES on threatening autonomy).

A couple others (godphoning and black/white magic) I don't know enough about to know if they're inherently harmful or just misused.

Anyway yeah. Don't get your info on witchcraft from random Tumblr users. Don't take me at my word either, do your research. That's the one thing I agree with the OP of that post on (they said people should research in the notes), but key difference here is I don't accuse everyone who disagrees with me of "endorsing [x] things" which aren't even harmful.

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pastelavender88 · 2 years

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Right Person At Maybe The Wrong Time- Chapter 22

Summary: After Eddie’s wild suggestion, Y/n is trying to find her answer. Will she choose to move in with the man she loves or is the problems between them too much to overcome?

It’s been a few days since I talked to Eddie about the living together situation. He was keeping true to his promise by not rushing me about my decision. I wanted to talk to Buck tonight about my conversation with Eddie. When I knocked on the door, Buck answered the door. “Hey Buck.” “Hey, what are you doing here? Did Alex forget something?” “No. Ummm, I wanted to talk to you about something.” “Uhh oh. What have I done now?” I playfully slapped his arm and walked past him. “Ha, ha, so funny. It’s about Eddie and I.” “Did something happen between you guys, again? What happened now?” “Wow, are we really that bad of a couple you automatically assumed we’re fighting?” “No, it’s just that’s the only reason you ever talk to me.” “Buck, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to dump my relationship issues on you but I feel weird talking about Eddie and I’s best moments with you. It just still seems weird. I mean we dated and we have a kid together. Now, I'm dating your best friend.” “Yeah, and it takes some getting used to but I’m still your friend. You can talk to me about more than just problem solving stuff.” “Okay. Well it’s a good thing I’m here. Eddie wants to move in together.” “What?” Buck’s eyes grew ten times their size. “Yeah. That’s the same thing I thought.” “Is he ready for that? I mean after the meltdown and everything.” “He says he is, but I’m not convinced. I feel like he’s rushing into this to ignore his problems or to make me feel better about our relationship. I want him to do this because he wants to, not because he feels forced to prove something.” “Eddie loves you and if you ask me he might actually be doing this because he wants to. No other reason.” “Are you sure?” “Of course I’m not sure. The only one who knows that for sure is Eddie, but I say go for it.” “Thanks Buck.” I’ll talk to you later.”

After taking the kids to school the following morning, I decided to talk to Eddie before he headed to work. As Eddie walked into the kitchen, getting ready to prepare lunch for the day. “Hey hun, I wanted to talk to you.” “Sure. What’s up?” He asked, not looking up from the food he was prepping in front of him. “Well it’s about moving in together.” He finally looked over to where I was and set the food that he was making down. “Okay. Did you come to a decision?” “Yes. No. I don’t know.” I took a pause and collected my thoughts. “I don’t know if i'm ready for that level of commitment and I don't think you are too.” “What makes you say that?” “I don’t know. Maybe because both of our heads have been all over the place lately and I don’t think moving in together will solve that.” “Listen, I'm not trying to sweep everything under the rug and pretend like we are perfect.” He crossed from his spot in the kitchen to where I was standing. His hands wrapped around my waist in a comforting way. “Every relationship has its level of baggage. We just happen to be at the next level.” “And never ending.” “Yeah that too.” Eddie said with a chuckle. “Every relationship goes through their shit, but real relationships get through their shit.” I started to laugh at that. “What?” “Do you know how that sounds?” “Can I have this little sweet moment with you or will you continue being a child?” “Okay I'm sorry.” “Whether or not we move in together I'm fine with that but I don’t want you doubting for a second I don't want this life with you.” “It’s not that I don't think you want this life with me, I believe you, it’s just I feel like you’re rushing into this without thinking. I mean that’s two kids in one household, in addition to bills, don’t forget house hunting because neither of our houses can hold all of us. It’s a lot Eddie. I think you should take more time focusing on you and your mental health than this situation. You still need time to heal.” “Y/n, baby. I love you, okay? I know I want this life with you and when you’re ready, I’ll still be here waiting for me.” After giving me a chaste kiss, he turned back to his lunch. “Now, if you don’t mind I’m gonna be heading to work.”

Later that evening as I was scrolling on my phone as the news played in the background when the reporter said something that caught my attention. “Yes you heard me right folks the Metro dispatch center is on fire. Sources say the cause of the fire is still unknown but firefighters have just arrived moments ago and are fighting to end this.” Oh my god! Eddie! I quickly grabbed my phone and dialed Eddie. After 2 failed calls I did the next best thing I could, I called Carla. “Hello?” Her voice on the other end said. “Hey, Carla I don't know if you’ve heard or not but dispatch is on fire. Eddie was working today and I’ve tried to call him but he’s not answering. Is there any way you can pick up the kids from school and watch them until later?” “Of course honey. Tell me how it goes.” “Will do.” After getting off the phone with her I raced to find my keys and head to dispatch. When I arrived I saw firefighters scrambling from everywhere trying to stop the fire. I walked closer before a man stopped me. “I’m sorry, ma’am but you can't go over there.” “My boyfriend is in there. He’s a firefighter and he was working today.” “I know ma’am but it’s not safe.” “Y/n?” I heard a voice coming from the parking lot across from the building. “Let her through.” The man allowed me to cross the barrier and I made my way over to Hen. “Hen, where’s Eddie?” “He’s inside.” “Inside? Why is Eddie inside?” “He’s helping with the fire. I don’t know when they’ll be done, but since you're here I could really use your help here.” I saw how many victims were scattered around the place.” “Alright. Where can I start?” As I helped with making sure everyone received oxygen and everyone was treated. Then I heard a commotion behind me. There I was Eddie, Buck, Bobby and the rest of the 118 walking over. Eddie stopped to talk to dispatcher Linda and then he was me standing near a patient. “Hey, what are you doing here?” “What am I doing here? I’m here to check on you, you big oaf.” I said as I wrapped my arms around him. “You know you scared me for a minute when you didn’t answer the phone.” “Yeah, I don’t really carry that with me when I’m fighting fires.” “Yeah, I must say the old uniform looks good on you.” “I bet it does.” “No, I mean really good.” “You know I heard we’re allowed to bring our uniform home for ‘other uses’.” “Oh wow. Well I’ll be looking forward to that in our home.” “Our home?” “Yeah, our home. I wanna move in with you.” “You do? You’re not just saying this cause I nearly died, again?” “Yeah everyone is right. We question each other’s motives too much.” I teased. “No eddie. I said yes because I love you and moving in together is bound to happen anyways so why not now.” “Yeah. Why not?” He gave me a kiss on the lips. “I should really go help the others.” “Yeah me too.” I went back to helping the patients around the call center.

I saw them loading a patient I had worked on so I decided to go with them. As I was about to walk onto the ambulance, some guy stopped me. “Can I help you?” “Oh, I’m Y/n. I’m a nurse. I helped treat this patient.” “Well I got it from here.” “Excuse me? Listen I’m sure you do ‘got it’ but I want to come to make sure my patient makes it there safe. She was in there for a long time inhaling smoke.” “And like I said I got it. Technically I’m the one working this scene. So run back to your boyfriend over there.” He shut the door to the ambulance in my face Just then, Hen walked over. “Wow, what happened there?” “I have no idea. I wanted to ride in the ambulance with him to go to the hospital and he flipped. Does that seem weird to you?” “Oh don’t ask me. I’ve always had a feeling about him.” “Who even is that?” “That’s the guy that replaced Chim for a while.” “Well he’s a dick and he’s a little sketchy if you ask me.” “Yeah you don’t have to tell me twice.” I drove my car to the hospital to check on Bobby and saw a few of my old coworkers. I caught up with a few before I started to talk to Buck, Eddie and Hen. We asked about Bobby and then told them about us deciding to move in together. In the middle of the conversation the same dick from earlier came busting in. He was on top of the victim I had helped earlier and giving chest compressions. I walked over when the doctor called it. “Jonah what happened? She was fine when I left triage.” Hen asked. “Pressure bottomed out. I couldn’t get her rhythm back. It’s weird. I should have been able to save her. I usually save them.” When he said those last few words a shiver ran up my spine. May approached the both of us. “Guys. She was fine. I-I don’t understand.” “Neither do I.” Hen remarked. As May and everyone left the commotion I turned to Hen. “Hen, you and I both know that shouldn’t have happened. She was fine when we left. She should still be fine.” “I know but what could have happened?” “I think we both know what happened.” I walked away from Hen.

After driving Eddie and myself home, and ‘celebrating’ our choice to move in together we were debating on how to tell Chris and Alex. As we were tangled in the sheets “Well since I have a day off tomorrow due to the whole workplace setting on fire how about we take them out.” “Take them where though?” “You know what I have the best idea.” He said. The next morning Eddie and I told the kids that today we were going out. First we went to the zoo, then the movies, and then we went out for dinner. As we sat down and looked over the menu, Alex began to talk. “So mom, Eddie, what was today about?” “What do you mean?” “Mom, Chris and I have a brain we know something is going on.” “We do?” Christopher added, looking up from the menu. “Chris, can you just go along with me here?” “Well Alex since you brought it up your mom and I wanted to talk to you.” “Hello, my name is Amber and what can I…” “Are you and Dad breaking up?” Christopher asked, interrupting the poor waitress as she came to take our orders. “I’ll be back.” She said as she swiftly turned around. “No! Chris, don't worry it’s good news.” “I don’t think it is.” Alex so helpfully added. “Alex, stop instigating.” “I’m just saying.” Alex said as she threw her hands up in defense. “No, I promise it’s good news.” “Oh yeah remember. We saw them kiss at the zoo, and the movies, and two seconds before we sat down.” “Can you stop interrupting so we can tell you?” “Y/n and I have decided we think it’s time to move in together? Would you guys be okay with that?” “Question: Whose house would we live in?” “For now we’re going to move into Y/n’s house since she has a guest bedroom. Then, we’re gonna look for a new one to buy.” “So we won’t have to share a room.” “No?” “Then great.” Alex went back to looking at the menu. “What about you Chris? Do you have any questions?” “So you and dad are okay?” “Better than ever buddy.” Eddie answered as he wrapped his arm around me. “Then I’m happy.” Eddie turned to me. “Well that’s sorted.” “So you ready for this? I mean it’s too late to back out now, big guy.” “I wouldn’t dream of it.” Eddie closed the space between us and gave me a loving kiss. “Ugh.” Alex exclaimed. “Wait if we move in together does this mean we’ll have to see you kiss more?” Chris said with a disgusted look on his face. Eddie and I cracked up. Something tells me we're in for a wild ride.

#Eddie Diaz #eddie diaz x reader #eddie and christopher #past evan buckley x reader #evan buckley x reader #911 fic #911 fanfic #911 fox #911 #911 on fox

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redwayfarers · 10 months

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one of those days

Fandom: Wayfarer IF Ship: Cassmel (Cassander x Melchior) Characters: Cassander Inteus (OC), Melchior Larkspur Words: 1084 Rating: Gen Summary: Cassander has a bad mental health day. Fortunately, he doesn't have to face it alone. Read on AO3

The day drags like nobody’s fucking business. It’s real fun having nothing to do with your time, you know - the half open book stares at me in accusation from the table, half done weave shakes its threads in disappointment. I told myself I’d finish it today, but when I woke up I found that my hands just refused to do it and would’ve rather broken the whole thing apart than finish it. The book could’ve easily met the same fate if I didn’t have enough wherewithal to just step back and declare myself useless for the day.

But cooking needs to be done. It’s not a question of want as much as it is a question of need, after all. We all need to eat. If you don’t eat you starve. And since I don’t particularly like starving, I managed to drag myself to the kitchen and listen to the chop chop of the knife. There are downsides, though, as there usually are. Chop chop is so routine that I could do it blind, so the part of my head that’s not focused on making sure I don’t cut my own fingers off is free to wonder.

And gods do I wonder. I’ve since stopped keeping track of what about, but that’s where I am now.

Theokleia came to mind at some point, unbidden. Maybe after the brief sighting of my face in the window. Maybe after the errant curl of hair fell in my eyes and I had to move it away. She wouldn’t cook, obviously. She has people to cook for her. She has fancy makeup and hairpins and decorative battle knives on her walls. And maybe she’s laughing now, having a grand old time, drinking at a party and whispering in another rich asshole’s ear.

Maybe Aiantes listens too. Does she keep the hairpin he gifted her decades ago, before my very eyes, when all I got was a stern look to shut the fuck up? Maybe she wears it across the hall, and maybe he smiles when he sees it shining in the magic lights. Maybe he even removes it later in the privacy of their bedroom.

Maybe I don’t really wanna think about my parents fucking, exactly. Brain, stop being weird.

“You’re murdering that poor eggplant,” Melchior says out of nowhere. “What has it done to you?”

I turn around and set the knife down. “My parents have sex. In general. In Vestra, too. I know the exact bedroom. Big bed, fancy ass curtains. Roses on the sheets. The mwah mwah sounds. All the good stuff.”

“Your… parents?” Melchior blinks. “Cassander, you have three siblings. It’s highly likely that they do have sex. Assuming nothing’s taking the place of that poor vegetable.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s a really simple thing, too. And my parents are doing it.”

“And here it’s where you lose me,” he says slowly. He has two big books of accounts in his hands and he looks so disheveled it makes me want to mess his hair up even more. “What do…” He sighs. “It’s been that kind of day, no?”

I laugh weakly. “Yeah. My brain's all weird. One thing led to another and here I am, mentally in my parents’ bedroom. Where I wasn’t normally allowed when I was a kid, too, even in non-fucking circumstances.” I look at my feet and wiggle my toes. “I am… I just..”

“Do you want to talk about it?” His voice is kind and gentle and it hits like cold water in a parched throat. He puts the books down and walks over, takes my hand in his and the world feels less loathsome all of a sudden.

“I don’t want to be angry anymore.” There it is. I’m getting better at figuring these things out. What a strange idea, actually understanding what’s behind all the weirdness in my head on a given day. “Don’t think there’s much to talk about. I just– I don’t want to think about my mother. But she comes unbidden sometimes, she’s a fucking weed of a person like that, and I get all– like this. Gods, I’m so shit at saying things.”

“I understand you perfectly well, if that has any merit,” he offers. “You’re not half as bad at saying things as you think you are.”

“You don’t count,” I say. It feels as though a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders, though. “You’re just trying to make me feel better by saying that. It doesn’t count.”

“Is it working, though?” He smiles softly. I bury my head in his shoulder.

“I hate you so much,” I whisper against the fabric of his shirt. He’s still holding my hand. “But seriously now. Were you.. Did you have any plans for.. This exact moment?”

“I was just about to get myself a cup of tea,” he says and kisses the side of my head. His hair tickles my ear. “Do you want me to prevent any more vegetable murder?”

“That’d be great. We gotta eat something and I’m the big bad vegetable murderer, as we both know.”

“Really scary, yes,” he laughs softly. I don’t reply, but I make no movement whatsoever, soaking up the warmth and the ease of his presence. He seems content to stay like this for the time being, oblivious to the life of a whole company of actors around us, and his free hand rests loosely on my waist. “I’m proud of you, though,” he adds after a while. “You were able to identify what was distressing you and asked for help.”

Any joke I might’ve had to those words dies on my tongue, heavy and sordid and venomous. He’s just saying things because I’m obviously not doing good for the most part, but a part of me wants to believe him. I want to be worthy of his pride but I’m not sure if I really am. “Didn’t solve shit, Mel,” I say instead, because that’s easier. Because it comes faster and more naturally. Because it shelters from this oppressive feeling that I might not be such a fuck-up after all. “I’m still as angry as I was before. Being able to say my mother’s a bitch doesn’t change shit.”

“It’s better than it was before,” he hums. “But let us cut those vegetables.” His voice turns small and private and easy. “Honestly, between the two of us, being responsible is very boring sometimes.”

And the world really does feel less loathsome for a while.

#wayfarer #wayfarer if #inspo birb has come to town #wayfarer mc #cassander inteus #melchior larkspur #cassander x melchior #wayfarer fic #is this self-indulgent? yes #but do i wanna work on my short story? no #so this is what i do #also long time no cass fic #think we need some #a palette cleanser if you will #my writing

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lilacandladybugs · 1 year

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Hi Lilac!!

I know you’ve said stuff about being able to ask abt your stance on God and religion before and I hope that’s still okay (if this is smth you don’t want to answer, I take absolutely no offense to that and don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable). I’ve recently been not in church and I think it’s kind of been for the better? (My church has become a mega church over the years and I’m really not about that, and also I grew up in youth group which I think had its own issues). Anyway, I’m glad for the separation, but I feel like I kind of don’t know what to do with my faith outside of the church setting? I was wondering what you do to practice religion without attending church or like, how you maintain that connection with your faith

Oh yeah! I took that out of my bio bc I have been off and on been having a really hard time and my religious trauma has been flaring up but I'm still active on @in-the-whisper occasionally. No worries about asking though, if I am too tired it will just dissolve into my ask box ;--; I do really like to talk about it though and this is something I've dealt with a lot!

I mean if you can find a church or a bible study that you feel safe in that's really ideal imo, but I have really bad religious trauma and haven't consistently attended church in.. like ~5 years. Which really upsets me but I'm just not in a position to attend right now w my mental health condition. But also I think not going to church is sometimes valuable. People are scared to say that but if going to church is actively harming you, or it is something that is obviously not bringing you closer to God, then yeah don't go and don't feel like a bad Christian for it. Rest :) it will be okay. That used to be really hard for me but I've mostly come to terms with it, idk it's still hard. But it's been healthier for me.

I kind of see God in everything. Sitting with my lneighbors cats by a pool, and watching the sunset, and talking to my friends are all expressions of the love of God. I've been having a hard time with God recently and go back and forth on how much I can handle but I used to have a really good habit of just saying a quiet thank you in my head whenever something like that happens and I think keeping an open line of prayer communication can be really healthy

I've found reading fantasy novels to bring me closer to God. A lot of fantasy has moral values that can help me at least start thinking about God if nothing else, they often make me remember why I believe in God in the first place. Namely that life is sacred and valuable and people are worth loving. Those are ideas that are represented in a lot of fantasy and that helps me think of God and pray.

This is going to sound weird but I have to be really careful with the Bible and praise and worship music bc both can be really heavy and bring up upsetting memories for me. If you can, I do recommend reading the gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) and focus on Jesus' words because he is the clearest representation of God's character since he's like literally God. But the Bible is difficult to read by yourself and disconnected from the greater body of Christian literature that's built up over the centuries it can be hard to interpret. I have to save reading the Bible for times when I have the energy to dig in and research and ask hard questions. Psalms is easier bc it's poetry so you could probably also start there

I try to meet with friends and talk to them about God, if you have Christian friends or family you could have bible study with them, or just a time to visit and think about God.

I like Christian philosophy. Two of my favorites are GK Chesterton "Orthodoxy" and CS Lewis "Mere Christianity". Orthodoxy is kinda dense but Mere Christianity I find interesting and it just helps me think about God. I also sometimes like doing planned Bible studies but some are better than others. I did "Armor of God" by Priscilla Shrier a few years ago, I don't remember everything about it and I probably didn't entirely agree but I found it generally pretty good.

I listen to music about God that isn't praise and worship. I've been listening to a lot of half alive, my favorite is Creature which makes me feel like a believer. Here's a post with some song suggestions and a link to a playlist my sister and I made together. (x)

I think one danger of not having a church is a gap in theology, so if you have time or energy you can listen to podcasts on the Bible, church history, Biblical interpretation. If that's something you're interested in I can link to one I like, but I'll have to go find it (you can dm me about it ofc). The other danger is losing contact with Christians in general, so making sure you have Christians checking in on you or people to talk to is a good idea.

Lmk if that helps or if you have more questions, and I keep a list of my posts on my other blog so that might have some helpful resources too :)

#religion #religion tw #christianity tw #christianity #eslyea #long post

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katzirra · 6 months

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Aggressively rubs my face, complaining about anything in life feels so tedious compared to what's going on in the world. World events and disasters and genocides and just fucking everything make you feel so small and worthless. Like god damn I feel guilty for thinking how stressed I am because HAHAH COULD BE WORSE, BITCH. WHICH is kind of a weird thing the internet really uh, perpetuates. Which is kinda what people get at when they say take care of your mental health.

Like I'm staying as up to date as I can but it's... wow it's hard to stomach, and it's hard to know what to do when you're in a financial spot lmao... Fucking god damn. Like carrying on like normal is really hard because there's that thought in the back of my mind right now about how upsetting it is realizing so many people can't do that. Will never do that again. It's like tv static in my head lately low key saddening me more and more.

But yaknow that just sounds like I'm complaining about a world event, but it's not. It's just...a profound sadness. Saturating things. I find myself just kinda sitting lately unsure what to be doing that feels... productive in this time. Not really feeling, uh, creative or happy. I dunno. Low simmering fear as well tbh.

That wasn't the topic I was planning to post about uh... FRIVOLOUS UPDATES I GUESS... I USE TO DO THOSE, YEAH? IDK WHO CARES ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE THESE DAYS TBH LOL

Taking a break from Xig because I'm just ..out of it and need the expectations off me for a second.

Having anxiety even checking my art blog because people weirdly correcting me/giving me a compliment that's shorter than a correction and making me come off rude telling them I'm not wrong makes me anxious as hell :))) so I end up avoiding my own haunts!!! How fucky is that.

I am almost done with my small sketchbook?? I was fixing a few pages up before hitting a few dried out Copics, which lead to me checking all of them to see who I needed to fix/replace and uh... relocate them in my office. Which became redoing my pen pouches and seeing if those got fucked up. Hopefully I'll finish that and start scanning. 2018-2023... with huge gaps in there lol...

I miss doing art I liked. Its kinda stagnant atm so I might take the rest of the year to do studies on angles and shit tbh. I need something. It all feels same same.

Uhhh figuring out some dental stuff - bought myself a bougie electric toothbrush and I think my old one's timer was fucked up and making me brush too long?? Which is bad!!! So this new one already has my teeth feeling better 👏 mom's genetics have me terrified!! My teeth feel better after two brushes??? insane.

Getting bloodwork done Thursday so hopefully figuring some shit out about my weight and health :))) I'd like to lose the like 20-45lb I mysteriously seemed to gain over the past few years??? Uhhh??? And figure my periods out, money has just been BAD since Hannibal's surgery....

Having panic scares about if my job is going away in December or not and hating every job listing I see online so I gotta look for whatever listing sites exist outside indeed. Also something this decent with the same pay :)))))) so that's on my todo list... again.

Box spring is busted on my bed, so hopefully I don't have to replace the mattress just yet because of the previous point AND THE FACT I JUST STARTED GETTING TO SAVE FOR MY PC..... first world problems but fuck, dudes. Vakarian is fucking suffering sometimes... :(( but we'll see because MATTRESS PRICES.......!!!

I cleaned my office and room and that made me feel like I've accomplished something for myself so that's... something.

Trying to focus on things. Depression cocktail is going on..... money, job, housing, health, the world... it's all so much all the time, man.

#kat life #kat talks #ignore me #this is just feelings and ugh updates on my shit!!

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fictionkinfessions · 6 months

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heya the #boomingpizzapie jax here (btw ty for tagging it ik the ask is not out yet at this time for writing it but tyyy) this is going to be scattered but idgaf!! anyways. i think its fucking funny in the circus i cannot curse but now since im in a new body and stuff i can curse how ever tf i want. this is actually a first for me to kin someone who is mostly kinned in the fandom. (im seeing alot of other me's...im going to bonk yall with a mallet/silly) (im not gonna do that lmao but we should cause chaos later) going to be honest im scared to search myself up bc like..ik there is already that type of art bc im sortaaaa the fan favorite (i think- either that or the 2nd) and..when your the fan favorite there is going to be awful things made. any kins out there (doesnt actually have to be the amazing digital circus kin) who naturally pose like their source and notice it and freaks out about it. bc i did lmao the hand on the hip thing i do all the time rn and its funny i did that in canon too its..odd that i was the youngest in the circus (creator listed our ages i am the youngest at the time of this ask) bc tbh i thought gangle was going to be the youngest and zooble would be the oldest. i mean it makes sense kinger is the oldest but my brain was going way off lol. random other thing but like. i oddly cannot type like i sound like in my source. most of my sources im a jackass but i act nice in front of people/mental health issues are a bitch im destroying my issues with a mallet anyways to any the amazing digital circus kins..hey yall its weird (at least to me) that our bodys are now...yk normal human stuff..its odd lmao. anyways i miss yall losers i hope yall doing well. remember to take care of yourselfs. to any pomnis i hope yall are doing alright. i know im a jackass but like..im hoping your ok. to dollface i also hope ur doing well. hope ur not mad at the centipede thing. sorry bout that to other jax's.. we need to make a club so we can prank others or mess with others i think it be fun. to gangle..you get a big hug from me. i know you probably dont wanna hang. or anything but like..just wanna apologize for the shit i did to ya. just know i dont hate ya and im deeply sorry/gen kinger. ill admit it. even tho in canon you..lost ya mind pretty much..your a cool guy. ill admit it. i hope ur doing well as well. to everyone else (im too lazy to write everyone else) i hope yall doing ok too yall are neat in yall silly way. (even non canons <D <- thats a smiley face btw) -Jax from the digital circus (#boomingpizzapie) (dear god i wrote alot.)

🐸

#fictionkinfessions #fictionkin #boomingpizzapie #jaxkin #amazingdigitalcircuskin #fandom issue #fanfic issue #slurs #mental health issue #chara love #apology #prevabuse #?#mod party cat

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txxfiles · 2 months

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writing

hhhhhhhhhhhh.

I’m struggling with my feelings towards my passions atm. Nothing new in all fairness, but this month is starting to put things into perspective in a way that feels like a tonne of boulders falling upon my head.

I finished university in august and graduated in december with a first class honours which i worked really fucking hard for. but i’ve done nothing since. the idea of sitting down in front of my laptop and planning out a new idea is so incredibly daunting to me i don’t know how to put it into words.

one of my friends i went to uni with gave me a gentle (ish) lecture on becoming more disciplined. apparently motivation doesn’t exist, you just have to be disciplined. i don’t know how to discipline myself, i would love someone else to do it for me in both senses if u catch my drift. he then compared me to a car, saying i need someone to jump start me and then i would be away and as much as that made me laugh, he’s right. that monologue from fleabag came to mind, the one where she says how she just wants someone to tell her what to do, that’s me. i don’t know how to make myself do stuff, especially if it’s something i know will be difficult. i don’t know why and i don’t know how to stop but that’s the way it’s always been. uni was great because i had people around me doing the same stuff and a level of responsibility to the school and myself to get shit done to the best of my ability. it was also very expensive so that helped. that was the motivation. i didn’t need to discipline myself because i knew i could do it. so, where do i stand now? there’s no one here to tell me to do something or give me a level of responsibility to something to make me work. it’s just me. me and my rapidly failing mental health and my shitty job that i hate. why would i want to do anything other than rot in my bed all day on my days off?

but i do want to do it, that’s the problem. i love writing, it’s one of my favourite things to do. i used to do it all the time. like literally every night i would be writing something new. i don’t do that anymore and i don’t know why. i was writing fan fiction about whatever i was hyper fixated on at the time but i don’t even have a hyper fixation atm so there’s nothing their either!!!

writing comes easy to me in a way that i don’t quite understand. we had a lesson at uni where we talked about our writing processes and i got embarrassed because i don’t have one. i have an idea i like and i write it. that’s it. it sounds like a cop out and a lie, but it’s true and i got shit from other people in my class about it (not that i care) but hearing other people talk about the planning and extensive research they do into their projects made me feel ashamed for not working that way. not working harder i guess. which is mad because everyone is different and no two people work the same but it feels shameful to have something come so easy to you when some people work so so hard to achieve the same thing. its weird, feeling embarrassed for being good at something. probably because i’m not super good at many things and i know the others will tell me different but i’m not putting myself down i’m just saying i’ve been average at everything my whole life except for a couple things that i’m very good at so, being in a room of people who all wanna do the same thing as you and being at the top of the class pretty consistently and having people tell you you’re good at something is such a foreign concept to me that the fact i also can just do it without planning feels like a cop out.

and now i have no structure, no one to give me tasks and no one to hold me accountable for my actions and i’m stuck. it sounds like i’m trying to push responsibility onto someone else but i’m not i just don’t know HOW to get to the point where i love doing it again. i wanna write something great and be successful and fall in love with it again but i can’t find the strength to slap myself on the ass and do it. doing this is helping, the blog writing is fun and i’m enjoying it a lot so that’s a start.

it feels superficial, why not just do it i hear you scream in my face but trust me i would if i fucking could. i’m sat here with one of the shows that made me wanna go into screenwriting playing in the background and thinking damn maybe one day i’ll write something this good. but i won’t if i can’t FUCKING START.

i’m at my parents this week and have been sorting through old stuff of mine and found a load of old school stuff and every single thing is average, every grade, every letter from school, every silly little award slip is average. i don’t do well in academic settings, i’m aware of this and my strengths lie in other things which is great. sure i get confused about stuff that comes easy to others but i can do stuff those people can’t with ease. we had a conversation about intelligence the other week that shook me to my core because the way i view intelligence is so wildly different from my friends that i was genuinely confused. i don’t think i’m smart because i’m not academic but that’s simply not true. intelligence comes in many different forms which is very hard to wrap my head around. especially at my age and having been told i’m not smart my whole life. it feels even more relevant at the moment because i’m struggling to do one of the things i’m good at. which sucks. especially being with my family and being reminded of the fact i’m the only creative going into a creative industry whilst everyone else is in their safe secure jobs doing better than me when they’re all younger than me. it’s clear they all quietly think i made a mistake going to uni and leaving my old career behind, but i’m so so glad i did it, even if i’m stuck at the moment.

i really needed to vent. i don’t know how to talk about this to anyone.

i’m a very unmotivated person, partially because my enthusiasm for being alive is so low so why do things to help myself progress in life when i don’t want to live it.

wow this went dark lmao. can someone jump start my battery for me please. no? ok. i’ll figure out how to do it myself some day.

in the words of charli xcx, lets ride.

love,

eucalyptus

#eucalyptus

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7larson · 4 months

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tbiny devlog #2

this is a repost of a blog article originally made at near-midnight august 21st, 2023 as i am migrating my blog to a new host. there was only two already written, everything here on out should be new :)

i should have been at work today, but i woke up with a horrible migraine, so instead, i called out and slept in. when i woke up, the migraine was still pretty bad, not in a state to go to work, but i wanted to finish setting up this blog and revamping my website, so i did that. don’t look at my commit history, it’s a mess. don’t migraine & code, kiddies.

today i want to get into a little bit about what the story of this game will be, its inspirations, etc. since it’s an idea i’ve had floating around for awhile, so that’s what we’ll jump into!

many eons ago, i got really interested in the concept of a ghost or spirit that lives in the body of or is otherwise attached to another person. this isn’t a unique idea, of course, it’s been done in a lot of media. the thing that originally drew me to the idea in this case was the Chronicles of Darkness book, Geist: The Sin-Eaters, but a lot of other media i’ve loved over the years has explored similar ideas in different ways, particularly The Blackwell series by Wadjet Eye Games.

i made characters based on this concept, but really wanted to incorporate this idea of the host being the main character, and transgender, and the spirit not knowing how to grapple with that, or something along those lines. in the end i don’t think it works well that way, or at least, is as interesting. i think there’s a lot more room for trans allegory in the spirit being the main character, and being trapped within the body, and having to cope with it being a different body than the one they came from. i want to explore things like gender and mental health through that super cool urban fantasy lens i’ve always grown up being attracted to, and what better way to do it through this story!

so that’s where our story starts. This Body is Not Yours is the working title, i don’t know if that will be the finished title, but that’s what i’m going with for now. you play as a ghost who, in the afterlife, made a deal with a dying person to bring them back to life on the condition that you’re bound to them now. and when you wake up, you don’t immediately remember that, because memories are a little weird when you don’t have a body for a long time. don’t think about it too hard, it’s better for the narrative if you learn these things slowly, i think.

i’ll make it make sense. maybe.

so on to day two of development.

first, i learned some more basics of conditional statements and how to edit sentences partway through using them for quality of reading, basically. i think that will come in handy later.

next, that CSS thing from yesterday was really starting to bug me, and with some caffeine for my migraine and the powers of google, i was able to thankfully find the solution. it turns out i just need to only be exporting the story.js once i have the CSS styling the way i want. oops!

with that in mind, i went ahead and did some more serious CSS styling, so now the game is nice and moody and has an appropriate light and dark theme :) i usually use light theme for everything, because my eyes suck, but i know most people prefer dark theme and it fits the setting, so here’s what it looks like now.

also, i commented out something i want to use later, but left it there so i can use it… later.

i also found out i can use ink’s class defining to define lines that i stitched together through scenes using glue (this all sounds ridiculous if you’re not familiar with ink, but knots, stitches, and glue are all real terms) so i can change the color of what appears to be a single line in the game, even if it’s split into a couple segments in the file. very useful!

this is pretty much it for technical stuff today, i think, the rest is just writing! so… this has been a devlog. tune in next time for god knows what!

#devlog #solo game dev #game development #tbiny

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hitaka5ever · 4 months

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I haven't been on social media much for months and I'll explain why here and how I plan on finishing the rest of the year and what my goals for next year are (I will probs forget to do it later, hence why I'm doing it now)

Anywho, my main reason for being away is for my mental health that has gotten much worse since the end of summer, mainly of course to do with the genocide of Palestinians and the amount of information that has been shared by millions. I've kept my eye on the atrocities on and off since it started, getting some info from family, who I visited recently, but for the most part I've avoided minute-by-minute coverage

I'm a very empathetic person. This means I have a strong sense of noticing others' emotions that become a part of me after enough exposure to them. So for example, if someone I know is extremely sad or cries, even though I'm not experiencing their sadness or pain, I get emotional along with them (since I spend 99% of my time with mum, we feed off each others' feelings and physical attributes the most)

So my depression and anxiety are the main reasons for my absence on everything but YouTube and email. I ultimately have to take care of myself before I can worry about anyone or anything else

I'm back to seeing a therapist every other week on Thursdays via Zoom. She's the first therapist I've ever had that's asked me what my main goals with therapy are and what I'm looking for. My last therapist asked the same thing, but we never actually went over anything practical. Right now, my severe anxiety is what's ruining my life the most, so I wanted to focus strictly on that for now. I want to know what I need to do to combat my anxiety in specific situations, like being out in public places

I've brought up before that I have severe hearing sensory overload. If too many physical noises (meaning stuff not on a screen or through speakers) surround me, I get very jittery and weird feeling in my head and body. I have to leave the room when it gets really bad. Normally I can calm down within 5 minutes of leaving the situation, but that's only if I'm in between 2 people talking with each other. It's a lot worse when they're talking over one another. My worst experience was having sound inside and outside my house that surrounded me on all sides. It took ~30 minutes to return to normal after I went into a secluded area to listen to music with headphones on. As you can imagine this is way too much stimulation for my broken brain to handle, so finding jobs out in the real world are very hard on me

That comes to my next bit of information: I'm still unemployed and looking into temporary disability through my therapist while I learn to take control of my anxiety. I have severe PTSD from being bullied in middle school, living with a mentally abusive parent, and having experienced a terrible car accident almost a year after I graduated high school (this was in 2009) So trusting people on and offline (less so online) has made my adult life very difficult. Riding in vehicles to reach a certain destination was the absolute worst symptom of my mental illness from 2009-2021, and even now I get very subtle anxiety knowing when I have places to get to. I'm obviously loads better than I was back then thanks to meds, but now I have employment to think about, which brings on its own problems

Finding jobs that don't include retail, fast food, or talking to people face-to-face or via phone, especially in my shitty small town, is a nightmare. I've tried finding work remotely at home, but there's always at least 1 requirement that makes me ineligible for the job. I want to make money making digital art, but I lack the skills and exposure in a world where even the most experienced freelancers are struggling to make ends meet (bc of artificial images (AI) taking over the community) As you can tell, this gives me very limited job opportunities and I don't know if I qualify for disability on a normal basis rather than a temporary one, so either way I have less than $150 left in my bank and unable to pay my parents rent bc of all of this

But things here aren't all bad. I enjoyed going to stay with my sisters for all of November where they live, getting to spend time with 4 cats and a foster baby (I did get a bad cold the last week of vacation, but that was the only bad thing about the trip) and coming home to have something I haven't had since 2020

We are fostering a purebred Pitbull girl named Stella for the rest of the year. She's 8 years old but still in her prime and we have become best buds (and napping pals) since day 1. This was a trial run to see if she would be the right fit for the family, and so far everything's been going great, minus her ear infections that we're taking care of. Stella has basically become my dog and we're likely keeping her for the remainder of her life. She's the sweetest and most chill dog I have ever met and I fell in love with her immediately. It took her 2 days of coaxing to be used to getting on my bed, with and without me, and she follows me everywhere I go, so we're bonded for life lol

So that's the most exciting news I have to share about what's been happening with me. I get to go into the new year owning my very own dog and learning how to cope with my anxiety before and after it starts, so I'm looking forward to the new year

Speaking of the new year (I'm almost done, promise!) I have a few goals for 2024 that I really want to stick to my guns about

Run a successful Kickstarter making and selling fire-breathing insect and bug stickers

Making extensive reference sheets of my OCs and fan fiction characters (eg my werewolf au and LoZ stories)

Learning (digital) art restoration. When I visited my sisters, my oldest was gathering foster kid stuff when she became a foster parent, and she got a set of Mega Building Blocks that had significant wear and tear. Some of the pieces with stickers on them were faded and peeling off, so I want to remake those stickers, get them printed, and give them to my sister so she can restore the broken pieces for her future foster kids. This gave me the idea of restoring art that has worn down or ruined over time. I like taking electronics apart and putting them back together again and I enjoy the assembly and design of things, so I think restoring physical items could become a potential art job

Learn basic idle animations of characters and objects. A Clip Studio Paint user makes tutorial videos on the official English CSP YouTube channel, and their latest is simplistic animations in CSP, so I want to try it out and offer it as a commission option if I'm comfortable with the process

Cartoonify famous or interesting places from real life, such as cool cities/towns, schools/colleges, or the Seven Wonders of the World, etc

Visit my friends at our homes or going out to restaurants and into town. My anxiety has made being around the friends I've grown up with really hard as well, not just with employment, so I want that to change a lot too

Legally change my name and gender after wanting to for the last few years (Rocky Dean (dad's middle name) Fuller (mum's maiden name))

Look into getting top surgery in the next 3+ years. I'm finally to the point where having breasts is ruining my life physically (back pain) and mentally (dysphoria) so I need to find a surgeon that doesn't require weight loss or hormone therapy to do the procedure

Just do art in general

That's all for now!

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