#i just cant i cant do it it all hurts so much i cant enjoy anything i dread everutbing theres nothing theres fucking nkthing

[cameronslilypad]

find me through my dealer - part four

summary: you and rafe have been in the same friend group for a while now, so you could be considered close, when he finds out you have a dealer who isn't him he demands you cut them off and use him instead. you both work out an arrangement you get 'discounts' and in return do him 'favours' (but are they really favours if the both of you enjoy it a little too much?) because that's what friends are for right? friends?

part one part two part three

you wake up to your phone ringing right next you your ear, you jolted up at the sheer shock you felt.

“what.” you ask without even looking at who’s calling you, you’re not in the mood for whoever just interrupted your sleep.

“woah, no need for the tone” he says with a light hearted chuckle, it’s rafe on the other end. you should’ve fucking guessed. although why would you’ve he’d barely spoken to you recently.

“alright, sure” you groan, already fed up with his bullshit.

“come see me” he begs, only now that you’ve woken up a bit you can tell by his tone of voice, and the light husk it carries. he’s high.

“i’m good” you respond. you’re still half asleep and cant be bothered to entertain whatever he wants you for.

“c’mon baby, i’ve got something for you” baby? he was literally ignoring you yesterday, what is this shit he’s playing at? but the need you can hear in his voice is what’s convincing you.

“okay” you hang up straight away, your hangover surprisingly isn’t that bad but you’re not feeling perfect so a bit of time will be needed to leave the house.

knock knock. its only been around 25 minutes since you were on the phone with rafe and you’re already at his doorstep.

“come in” rafe lets you in, wrapping his arms around waist, head ducked down so his chin is on your shoulder, as he leads you up to his bedroom. you sit cross legged on his bed, your not quite sure what to do with yourself.

“i was doing some of this and thought it would be fun for us to do it together. only if you want” he clarifies sitting next to you and pulling out a small baggie filled with white powder. to this your mouth upturns into a slight smirk and you nod.

“you sure? i pre rolled you four joints for you if you don’t wanna do this” his eyebrows furrow as his eyes stare directly into your own. the genuine look in his eyes is making your head hurt, this was the same guy that fucked you last night practically without saying a word. you ignore that, you don’t want to ruin this time because of the past, even if it was less that 24 hours ago, maybe he wasn’t having a good day?

“you think i can’t handle it?” you tease, trying to change the mood from his caringness which is making you feel things you shouldn’t.

“oh don’t worry baby, i know you can take it” he chuckles and gets his phone out, opens the baggie and pours a small line onto the back of his phone which he passes to you.

“i’ve already crushed it so you can do it straight away” he tells you reaching behind him to get a rolled up bill from his bedside table, which he quickly passes to you. you feel the powder funnel up your nose, you quickly tilt your head up so it all stays up there. you use your finger to collect the little bit of dust still on rafes phone and rub it on your gums before passing his phone back to him. you’ve only just realized his eyes hadn’t seemed to have left you once, they’re slightly unfocused. who are you kidding, it’s probably from the lines he took before you even got there.

“i wanna try something m’kay but you need to tell me if at any point your not into it” he says gently, his touch is just as gentle as his thumb strokes your jaw.

“mhm, i can do that” you softly smile at him. in response he quickly throws his shirt off and chucks it into a corner of his room, unable to care less about where it went. he was a lot more careful when taking yours off, softly prying the fabric off your body and placing a soft kiss to your shoulder. he stood up, grabbing your wrist to stand with him but he quickly sinks to his knees in front of you pulling your bottoms down slow, unbearably slow. once you’d stepped your ankles out of them he gave your ass a quick squeeze and a chased kiss to your clothed clit before hurriedly standing up and shoving his jeans off of himself.

“right” he breathes out laying back on his bed and patting the space next to him, you comply and sit awaiting his next move. rafe pulls his boxers down slightly, to show his v line. you realize you’re starting to faintly feel the effects of the coke when he pulled the baggie back out, your confused and a bit concerned about where he just pulled it out of since he’d already taken his trousers off. him pouring a small amount of the powder in the line between his abs.

his abs, oh my days.

“here” he whispers out forcing your gaze away from his defined stomach and to his hand stretching the same rolled up bill towards you. you repeat the same actions you did merely five minutes ago, tilting your head up you see rafe looking at your, eyes dark and bottom lip pulled in between his teeth.

“one more baby” his voice is huskier now, the gravel to it makes your thighs clench a little, involuntarily. he pours the next one onto his v-line and pats his chest, which you take as your invitation to carefully straddle it, your back towards him. as you slowly lean your head down to where the perfect line of coke is rafe starts playfully snapping your thong in place whilst using the other hand to massage your ass. you have to retract your head to let out a deep breath, not risking the air blowing the powder away. once you finish the line you switch the positions of your legs and move a further down his body, so your still straddling him but your facing each other. you just sit there his hands moving up and down his sides, yours tracing the lines of his abs. it was now you were properly feeling your high, your head was feeling light and you weren’t positive that you had a nose or any teeth, but you were loving it. the moment between you and rafe lasted mere seconds but it felt like hours, not enough hours in your opinion.

“my turn” rafe finally says, his smirk so wide your surprised his face isn’t hurting. he unclips your bra and immediately puts his hands on your boobs, pinching your nipples then massaging the flesh. he lifts you off of him and lays you down on the bed. you weren’t sure what you expected but it wasn’t him pouring a line of coke directly onto your nipple, you were sure you’d never been this wet before and he hasn’t even touched you.

“best line i’ve ever done” he tells you, head now in the crook of your neck as his teeth graze your earlobe. your body shivers at this and your hips ever so slightly raise from the bed.

“hands and knees for me” rafe tells you, stroking your hair before moving from on top of you so you’re able to change your position. as soon as rafe is behind you he’s pulling your underwear to the side using his fingers to spread your wetness up to your clit. he couldn’t wait any longer, he pushes his boxers down just enough for his cock to spring out of the fabric and immediately he’s slowly pushing into you. once he’d bottomed out he let out the most ungodly groan which made you gush around him.

“you like that huh? don’t worry, i like hearing you too” rafe chuckles into your ear, having pressed his body onto yours. pulling back to his original position, starting to thrust into you with a hard steady pace that is making your body jolt forward. one of his hands moves from the bruising grip on you waist to your hair, tugging your head backwards.

“come here pretty” his other hand also moves from your waist to push slightly on your stomach, making it so your back is pressed up against his chest. his hand moved from your hair to wrap around your neck.

“fuck, just like that” you groan out breathless and leaning your head back onto his shoulder, this new position has him hitting all the right spots inside of you.

“so perfect, milking me too well. don’t know how much longer i can last” his sentence comes out a bit choppy due to the power of his thrusts, that’s not what your focused on at all. the way he’s speaking to you right now you’re wanting to mother his children.

“i’m right there, oh my god” your hips start bucking on his dick as you feel yourself cumming, riding out your orgasm when you feel rafes cum start to leak inside you.

“let me get you cleaned” he says after a few minutes, slowly pulling out of you and giving you cheek a kiss, almost too soft for you to have noticed. after he cleans you up you both redress, picking the clothes up from all parts of the floor as rafe had thrown them without any sort of care. you can still strongly feel your high and your not in the mood to get yourself home, so you sit back in his bed and turn his tv on.

this isn’t weird we’re still friends right?

thankfully rafe doesn’t think it’s weird and lays next to you. around three episodes of some random show have played and you’re ready to go home now, the high has worn off and your body has relaxed a bit. almost as if he could read your mind.

“you staying?” rafe asks, face smushed in his pillow, half asleep. you want to say yes but you can’t bring yourself to, you don’t want your feelings to intensify and make it awkward for everyone.

“no it’s okay, i’m gonna go now” you softly spoke, turning your body to get out his bed.

“m’kay i’ll see your for brunch” brunch? oh shit becca planned a brunch tomorrow..

“okay bye” as you leave his house you realize what just happened. you said no to staying at rafes, because you didn’t want your feelings to grow. you’d stayed at his house many of times, admittedly usually crashing after getting drunk, but still. his soft kiddies, his gentle touches, his presence alone. for fuck sake, you like rafe cameron.

taglist: @rafesgiirl @planetmimz @happymangosstuff @dragonslutsblog

#obx x reader #rafe cameron #rafe cameron smut #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron x you #rafe obx #obx fic #rafe cameron x y/n #rafe outer banks #rafe x reader

[strangestofthings12]

This is going to be a very rambling and venty post cause im tired and annoyed and honestly am just using this to vent my anger/hurt. there is going to be stuff that can maybe be seen as anti tommy/bucktommy (please dont tell me a ship name to put i dont care about if they do have an agreed upon ship name right now) so if you dont want that please just move on. i dont want to fight i just want to yell into the void on a stupid throw away account so i dont bring my negativity stew and come out on my main blog where i just want to enjoy my stuff and just keep happy energy. I dont normally post and try and just find someone who explains it better because im not great and getting what im saying across or understood the way i want, so please bear with me. With that said i will move on to what i want to say

Okay so i have been watching 9-1-1 for years and i love and adore it. Its characters and dynamics and i have always loved found family. Now i will admit that i started watching it thinking that Buck and Eddie were a couple and had a son so i was kinda watching for it. Do i think if i didn't start watching thinking that i would ship them still yes 100%. I have always loved their relationship and i have loved watching both Buck and Eddie grow and start to be happy while also having each others back even at the worst times. Sometimes if i think to hard about Eddie and start crying cause I'm very normal about this show and it characters. Now Eddie is my favorite character in the show and at least in my top five overall favorite characters. I love him and his development and i adore seeing how much he does to just do right by Chris even when he messes up you can tell how much he adores that boy and how badly he wants to give Chris the best life possible. I could write essays about Eddie Diaz trying to explain how much i love him and why and i think words would run out before i could finish making people understand. Buddie is my favorite ship (sometimes second depending on my mood. i would say sorry but Henren and Madney will always be amazing ships and sometimes i just cant stop think about them)(Sorry Bathena i love you too i swear i just cant decide if i wanna kiss athena or be adopted by bobby and athena:( Its confusing) and has been for quite awhile and is one of my overall favorites and its one of my comfort ships.

With that context when bi Buck happened i was so insanely happy and i wouldnt shut up about it. it made me sick. i was so happy for Buck and while i think a part of me will always be a little sad Eddie wasnt his first kiss with a guy i dont think either of them are ready for that. i also understand that it wouldnt make sense for how the story is going right now. Now i have nothing against bucktommy in the show. I have watched the kiss scene and sobbed to much to pretend like i hate them or even dislike them. However I genuinely dont care about Tommy. Hes kinda bland and i forget about him half the time and before they brought him back i completely forgot his name. in my mind he was the one that wasnt as much of an asshole to chim and hen as the other two assholes which wasnt saying a lot. Now I dont dislike tommy nor am i going to act like hes irredeemable because neither Chim nor Hen seem to think hes still that guy and while they dont seem super close they seem to get along so clearly, he's not like that anymore. I have nothing that makes me dislike him nor do I like him. He's just there. He's just the guy buck kissed. Thats all he means to me. I would give up his screen time for Ravi or May or Karen in a heartbeat. because i love them cause they mean something to me. I don't think i thought about the fact that people might actually like him especially not more than EDDIE.

This is where the context matters cause i am to my core a one ship per person girly. I might see a ship and people who like it and even think thats not a terrible ship but i will still only look at content for my ship for that person (ie. i ship Destiel (dont say anything bad about them ill cry<3) but i can see the way someone would also ship Dean and Benny or crowley or Cas and Crowley or Mick but i will ignore the ship and move on and look at more Dean and Cas). normally i will just ignore the ship and move on because im not who its for. If it gets annoying in my tag or anything like that ill block it or whoever is annoying me cause its not a them problem that i dont want to see it. When i start to have a problem is when multiple people arent tagging right for whatever reason or people who are being rude about the ship i like because of their ship. When I started seeing Bucktommy stuff more and more in the 9-1-1 tag i went to the buddie tag cause i dont want to see them. my problem is that when im reading on AO3 and click on a fic tagged Buddie where bucktommy get married. it was literally just hurting Eddie. There was stuff before like id be scrolling though the buddie tag here and see someone saying that Tommy is a better character then Eddie and saying that they hope bucktommy is endgame. Whatever block and move on. Just like always but then people who have shipped buddie for years who ive seen talk about them are suddenly saying that they like bucktommy better. People who started watching because of bucktommy saying they dont like Eddie. People are going to have different opinions but it still bugged me. and then i read that and i was just hurt because it was tagged happy ending and i cannot fathom ever thinking Eddie hurting and pining is a happy ending. So i started to get more annoyed and i hate when that happens especially with a show i love and a character i dont dislike so i tried to just move on but more and more people are taking about it then i saw someone saying that they wanted eddie to die so buck and tommy can have Chris.

I just hate that so many people are jumping on the bucktommy train and saying that they like it better than buddie something that is so good and sweet or saying that they like Tommy more than Eddie. I just dont get it cause Tommy is boring. like yeah we now some about him and he flies a helicopter but hes forgettable he could be a completely different person and next to nothing would have to change. We have seen Eddie at his worst and claw his way back up and hes finally letting himself be open and honest and soft. Eddie couldnt be replaced. Now im not saying Tommy can't be an interesting character but as he is right now?? He just isnt. Hes just as bland as every women (minus Taylor and Shannon) Buck and Eddie have dated and been hated on for no reason!!! Like i get that Tommy is a guy and we got canon Bi Buck and people are happy but those same people turn around and shit on Marisol from what ive seen(I could be wrong cause again i have done my best to avoid). Buddie fans arent safe from that either, cause we all know that Buddie fans do that but so many of those people who hated on them and said they didnt want them with anyone else suddenly decided that they were okay if Buck ended up with any guy. I dont know its just weird and i hate how many people are acting like Eddie isnt always going to be better then Tommy. Part of me wanted Tommy to stick around and help Buck and Eddie figure it all out but now?? i honestly just cant wait for him to be gone cause I want to have fun and read fics for my comfort ship and just chill where i can see all of my ships in the show without buck and tommy being everywhere or people saying crap about Eddie.

I have more to say but most of its about how gratifying waiting and seeing where this whole thing goes(Buddie season 8 PLEASE!!) and this is already why to long and i think im just going in circles and none of this makes sense so ima shut up for now and hopefully this will help it not fester and drive me insane and become a tommy hater

Edit: but i also hate that Tommy calls Buck Evan so he already had some stuff against him rip

#911 #buddie #anti bucktommy #i guess?? #i dont know #i dont know what to tag this and just hope i dont upset anyone #anti tommy kinard #again i guess #but not really?? #let me know if i need to add any tags:)

[serickswrites]

Im a sucker for Hero and Villain, normally i enjoy Villain whumpees but im also a sucker for Hero whumpee, so i was thinking

Villain as a passionate whumper who takes Hero as a hostage, Hero still keeps being compassionate with Villain, saying how they believe they can change, even with bruises, Hero always greets them with a smile, always tries to ask villain what has happened to them to make them so angry, and everytime Hero cares for Villain, Villain tortures them harder, they just cant take how much Hero cares for them, even with the torture, they cant handle how it makes their heart clench. Soo, villain keeps torturing hero and hero keeps caring for him, and as time passes, Villain's heart gets softer and they finally understand how much they care about villain, but when they finally realize, that's when Hero finally breaks from torture, they dont respond, they dont do anything, a shell from the person who cared about villain till the last second.

sorry if this is a weird prompt or too specific, feel free to delete, i love your works so so much!!

Hello, Anon! I'm so sorry this took so long for me to answer. But I can definitely write this for you! I hope you like it.

Warnings: captivity, restraints, torture, bruises, broken bones, blood, catatonia

Villain slowly walked to the dungeon in Lair. They had kept to their routine these last several weeks. Torture Hero for a couple hours in the morning, have lunch, resume torturing Hero until Hero passed out, and then go out and wreck havoc on City.

But they had grown tired of the routine. Had grown tired of beating Hero and still had Hero smile at them. Had grown tired of breaking Hero's bones and still hear Hero say that they were still a good person, and that Hero knew they could change. Had grown tired of their hands stained with Hero's blood and still Hero asked about them, their history, and well being.

Villain had grown tired of hurting Hero because Hero wouldn't break. Villain had grown tired of torturing Hero because Hero still cared for them. And perhaps, Villain had realized over their lunch, they cared about Hero.

"Look, Hero," Villain said as they opened the door to the dungeon cell they had thrown Hero in before going to lunch, "we need to talk."

Hero lay in a bloody heap in the center of the cell. They didn't move as Villain spoke. Didn't roll over and look up at Villain through their swollen black eyes. Didn't flash their sweet smile with now broken and missing teeth. Didn't do anything, but lay in the heap, their wrists still cuffed in the power suppressing cuffs Villain had slapped on them all those weeks ago.

"Hero?" Perhaps Villain had kicked Hero too hard after they had thrown Hero in there. Perhaps Hero was still unconscious. "Hero?" Villain touched Hero's shoulder delicately. They shook Hero. "Hero, wake up."

Villain shook Hero harder as Hero remained unresponsive. Villain rolled Hero onto their back. Hero blinked up at Villain. But they didn't speak. Didn't smile. Didn't do anything but stare blankly.

"Say something, Hero," Villain ordered.

But Hero didn't say anything. They continued to stare out at nothing. Villain said a silent apology as they pinched Hero's arm. Hero didn't respond. Didn't flinch away in pain. They lay there, silently, staring out at nothing.

Villain's heart dropped as they realized they had finally accomplished their goal. They had finally broken Hero beyond repair. They had finally accomplished everything they had been dreaming of for weeks. But they didn't want it. They sat down next to Hero silently and began to sob. "I'm sorry," they said through their tears. "I'm sorry I went this far. I'm so sorry, Hero. Come back. Please. I'm sorry."

#serickswrites #whump #whumpblr #whump writing #whump community #tw captivity #tw restraints #tw torture #tw blood #tw bruises #tw broken bones #tw catatonia #hero #villain #hero x villain #hero x villain community #requests #queue

[mishapen-dear]

no but im thinking about how 4halo could be together while keeping their dynamic intact. forever asks bad on a date and bad is like yeah :D friendship date. several dates later bad's the one to propose and he says "will you merry me" as in like. be merry with me. feel joy forever for we're together and we have 11 children aka all of the eggs we have forcefully adopted from the other parents and i dont know what life would be like without you. you changed my life for the better. besties 4evar, forever

#and then richarlyson falls into pieces #and dapper gets to be smug #i don't super enjoy the ship when theyre lovey-lovey but oh my god its so fucking funny to be in a relationship and just Deny it #to each other to everyone else to themselves #is that a wedding ring no its a donut #made of metal #a decoration i wear that's inscribed with my bestie's name because i just like him so much :3 #do you see the vision the vibe is queerbait themselves to Hell while being Actively Queer #more thoughtful examination of bad's character is that i think a relationship that actively rejects sincerity is what he'd be most #comfortable in #he's Full of compliments for the other players and eggs but he will Never say that to their faces. he uses sillytime and insincerity as a #shield. if he ever trusts someone to be like. close to them. to consider them a teammate like he considers dapper a teammate #then it doesn't matter what label it gets -qpp or genuine besties or romantic or another option i cant think of- i think that not #acknowledging that sincerity is the only way he could bear letting them into his heart #i don't know forever as well to give a thoughtful analysis but i think that giving him something low pressure that isn't a Romance might be #good for him too if only for the fact that his Romances have all failed p badly. better to just be silly about it yknow just joke around a #lil if it doesn't mean anything then it wont hurt #<- basic angst trope im not sure fits him but be rest assured i am Looking at him. studying that beast. #qsmp #4halo #qsmp shipping

[dungeons-and-dragon-age]

oughh......

#laya plays dragon age #da2 #oc: liam hawke #this happened a bit ago already & i wanted to draw sth for it but idk if i will finish that #but i gotta yell abt them anyway because OGH. #i have a lot of emotions about this quest ok #bartrand was the perfect scapegoat he was perfect to direct all the rage and pain at all these years #years of imagining gleeful revenge while bartrand is gloating and laughing like an evil soulless bastard #and then you meet him and he is just. a pathetic husk of a man with barely any own will left #and whats worse. varric is so so torn up about it #varric. the guy who never makes anything about him and who will always handwave and joke when something hits too close to home #drops all efforts to be smart and is just. desperate. begs hawke to not kill his brother #and liam wants to want bartrand dead so bad. he wishes he could look him in the eye and enjoy taking his life #and he knows varric will listen to him if he insisted. he knows when it comes down it it varric will yield to his decision #but he sees this broken guy who is barely the villain he kept projecting onto him and he sees varric and he sees two doomed siblings #and knows what its like to lose your sibling to your own blade #and he cant do it #and he hates it so much. but he wont do it. #and its the reason why i cant decide who dealt the killing blow for bethany bc it makes this scene juicy in different ways #if varric kills bethy its equally wanting to spare each other their siblings blood on their hands #as it is taking some form of revenge (on liams part). we both killed each others siblings. now we are even #the revenge part would still be there if liam did the blow on bethany himself. you made me do that and now i will take bartrand for it #but its also much more i know what its like. i wont make go through that too #if varric killed bethy and then also bartrand it would be more #''its my fault she is dead. i will take the revenge she/you deserves if you tell me to even though it will hurt me #dunno. all good variations i will. have to rotate them in my head more #or maybe just never decide idk they can be in canon limbo forever #anyways thats it for shouting into the void about them for now it Will happen again

[boxwinebaddie]

Hi Uncle Nina !!

I don't wanna clog your ask box with stupid shit but this is stupid shit but it was also my bday on the thirteenth so shjdjdjs

As a fellow Monster addict ( I got a flat of Monster for my bday and collect the cans I have 30 diff ones so far <3 ) I need to know what Stan's favourite is

And on the less stupid side of things I was also hoping to potentially hear more about Stan's trans journey/Kyle finding out Raven is trans

Also I'm sorry your job has been so stressful lately :(( I hope you have a good day 🧡

- Stan 🧡

hi orange heart stan! <3

it's so good to hear from you, baby.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHSLAY, MY LOVE! i'm sorry i'm a little late, but you know me -- everything i do is fashionably late, darling. ;)

but also!!!!! call your wonderful, lovely ask message stupid shit again!!! see what happens!!! i'm gonna frown So WIDE, i'm gonna look so Upset. i'm going to hold you up to the sun!!! JUST WATCH!!!! >;/

my sweet stannie; you are a gift, a treasure. and your ask memes are a pleasure. i don't find them stupid in any shape or form, be nice. conversely, they are extremely special to me and it's why i put off writing this message for a little while because i wanted to respond to it thoughtfully, seeing as though it's your bday message.

which, *cracks knuckles* to get the ball roooollling.

i can absolutely tell you what monster energy is stan's favorite, but as a bday bonus, bc i wasn't sure which stan you wanted to know about, or if you wanted both: i'll give you both my style's fave monster flavs

and i was going to go into some ravenstan trans lore after that, but i feel like that info should go in it's own ask, yeah? i just don't want it to get cluttered. so if you feel so inclined, would you mind sending me a second anon where i can drop that info? thank you, baby! mwah

but now, w/o further ado...

please enjoy the most Refreshing part of your day <333

for context ( and actually because i got an anon once who wanted to know whether i drink energy drinks ), i don't really know that much about energy drinks/flavors because i don't really drink energy drinks.

i mean okay, i'm not really sure if it counts as an energy drink, but i will chug a guayaki yerba mate like it is the elixir of life. ( also i fully maintain that pep stan drinks the enlightenment flavor and ravenstan drinks the raspberry one -- crunchy eco kings ) my favorite one is the passion terrere one. it's like the only one that doesn't come in a can and only comes in a glass bottle...that ice cold passion terrere mate in the glass...it hits so different than the can...oh my god. so good.

and as far as monsters go, i pretty much only drink pipeline punch bc i'm a pretty pink princess and that's what hot girls drink <3 but other than that i drink black coffee because i am an exhausted teacher girlie, but that's purely for fuel. to be honest, i rarely drink energy drinks just for fun, i only have caffeine to stay upright.

which isn't a great idea...but...i am not a role model....

speaking of:

so i told riley this story the other day, bc i needed to get her brilliant genius girl insight on energy drink flavors because she is the sugar free energy queen ( riley's answer was kyle x ultra strawberry dreams and stan x ultra mango fiesta, which, everyone say thank u riley <3 )

-- also god if you are real, bring back the watermelon lime venom you discontinued, you sick fuck, it was riley's favorite, thank you for giving us lovely orange heart stan, and fuck you very much for making ME, bitch! come on down, king! you won't! why the fuck would you extend my coworkers vacation! fight me, ugly!!!! --

and i was telling her about how i am the chaotic kenny friend, i make really bad, chaotic decisions, have no self preservation, hype and gas up my extremely bad ideas and convince myself i'm big brain, wow.

and...oof. so like 2-3 years ago during finals week, i had a fuck ton of essays and projects due ( i was a very bad student btw which is funny bc i'm a teacher ) and no idea how i was gonna do them, so i had the Brilliant Idea...to buy three Random bang energy drinks...

AND SHOTGUN ALL OF THEM BACK TO BACK LIKE BEER CANS.

ohhhhhhhhhhhh my god, party girl nina. help. crying.

and yknow, i thought this was such a good idea! i was like wow i'm gonna be so awake, i am going to b invincible.

i....was not Invicible. i was...very, very sick. i was like almost catatonic and shaking on the floor of my dorm bathroom, lmao. i had to have my roomate take a picture of me on the floor and text all my teachers what happened, which, thank god they were all really nice and laughed but...i feel like that tells you everything you need to know about me...people who think i'm their hero...i am a fucking idiot.

but!! BUUUUTTT! just for You, baby. i deep dived a lot of forums and read a lot about the flavor profiles and think...i made a pretty accurate assertion of what my kid's energy drink preferences are <3

me: paris hilton pipeline punch bc i am bad as hell ;)

stan the man with the plan: okay, so i think that pep stan is definitely that ultra paradise monster energy. it just seems really crisp, clean, earthy. stan also doesn't really care for sweets or sugar, so it makes sense to me that he would be drinking a zero sugar monster ( kyle is disgusted ) idk the kiwi, lime, cucumber flavor profile just feels like pep stan. please tell me you can see the vision, help.

kyle pile: hmmm...so what i've concluded with my research is that kyle pile probably likes that pacific pipeline monster that seems to taste like fruit punch <3 it has to be the full sugar ones because of his blood sugar and stan does kind of scold kyle for drinking them bc he's not really supposed to and he gets really cracked out ahdslkshd like he's really cute but stan is like oh my god bro you gotta lay down but yeah i think that one or the orange dreamsicle one, which is hilarious because the only foods stmwtp canonically does not like are pickles and artifical orange flavoring...he really loves kp.

raven: soooooo i know that i said pep stan was the mango loco monster energy, BUT RAVENSTAN IS LITERALLY THE MANGO LOCO MONSTER ENERGY LIKE HELLO??? also i feel like he is like those mexican dads that put a little tajin in whatever they're eating and act like they've invented fire heeeeeelp ravenstan is so the dad that cuts u up fruit into little shapes and pus tajin on them and feeds u them when ur sad <333 luv u raven ;-; <3 but yeah i feel like he full on turns it into a raspado its so unserious sometimes theres a shot in there, it's usually the spicy tamarind smirnoff vodka,

...what can i say my man is a visionary and i see it

jersey: oooookaaaaay. so...sigh. for Obvious Reasons, pre and during rm, because of kyle's ed, he only drinks the sugar free monsters. for energy because he's exhausted ( my baby </3 ) but i also do think he thinks they taste good. i think he fucks with that ultra watermelon flavor that just tastes like the most beautiful, delectable, mouth watering liquid watermelon candy ever. i also think he could rock with the strawberry or the peach one sounds dank.

if the watermelon one isn't there it does stress him out, but he has a mental list of what one is next on the tier list, and acts accordingly. its kind of a nice change of pace but...his brain does not think that. however, when kyle is healing, weirdly enough, i think he ACTUALLY LIKES???? those coffee flavored ones??? which is Insane and everyone including tweek points and laughs at him

i hope...that suffices? you're totally welcome to offer me what you think is the right answer: you're the monster expert, after all. but this is what i feel in my heart! i think it feels accurate but, lmk! :')

and also...speaking of my job. UUUUUUGH. thank you baby. :((( i am actually criminally depressed because my fucking HOE-WORKER fucking extended his vacation ONE MORE WEEK! so i have to cover all his shifts for an extra week while he's on vacation. so that means i don't get to watch my testing accommodation kids who i miss very much, i still don't get his kinder reccess shift and literally??? spring break is next week like he couldn't WAIT???? holy fuck i'm Sad. :(

but i will be fine darling. but it's actually why i wanted to see if you could send me another anon so i can use that anon to talk about trans stan journey stuff? i just don't want it to get lost in this post and also, i'm not in great spirits rn and don't want to answer it until i can write something that's not flaming garbage.

but happy late birthday baby, i'm so glad you were born. <333

-uncle nina, monster shot gun queen

p.s. what is your favorite monster energy? :)

#BB IF YOU CALL YOUR MESSAGE STUPID ONE MORE TIME #I AM GOING TO PUT YOU IN SO MANY BLANKETS AND FEED YOU SO MANY SNACKS AND BRAID UR HAIR #KNOCK IT AWHFF!!!!!! #you are so loved and this was no stupid at all and i actually had a lot of fun reading all about all the monster flavors #i'm sorry if its not totally accurate i did my best #i'm sorry the green one is so much more pep stan #and the mango loco one is actually raven #like thats just the right answer #ravenstan drinking the mango loco monster w the tajin rim...like he's kind of a genius oh my god #him turning them into a cursed mixed drink is foul tho i just know his head hurts after that #i cant believe i had jersey likes the coffee ones that is so foul #but him drinking the no sugar ones and drinking the candy flavored ones bc he is like 7 years old #theyre so cute lkahdkshd also kyle pile also likes the cherry blade lemonade bang energy that feels right to me #BUT YEAH I HOPE THIS MADE YOU SMILE #TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK HAHA #also sorry i didnt give you the Serious answer in that post but ravens trans journey is really important to me #and i really want to honor that and not rush it or write it when i am in a bad mood...ill make it worth it for you my love #but uuuugh no im in such a bad mood like im actually so frustrated like this is just not fair to me #me n the older kids are starting to kind of be alright but it kind of ebbs and flows like its better somedays and worse others #but they are stuck with just me for another week so were managing tbh my coworker was dad and im mom basically #im more like stepmom and they dont really like me bc ur not my real mom but like at least im nice lmao #but yeah happy birthday baby hope you enjoyed this and i will get you the answers you seek very soon mWAAAAH #also not me shotgunning 3 bang energies and throwing up and having to have my friends email my professors #when i tell you im not a role model i mean that i am a joke i make such bad decisions #live fast die young bad girls do it well

[the-knife-consumer]

One thing I really like is the idea that springbonnie hates William just as much as William has (probably) grown to hate it.

#i say probably because book william is off his fucking rocker. obviously the game one is too but the book one is actually so #uncomfortable to read. dont like him. but anyway say probably because book creep enjoyed being a rotting corpse in a rabbit suit #but game william. lol get tortured stupid. #my ver of the animatronics have?? weird pseudo free will??? like they know they are not real animals and that theyre only #here to entertain kids. but they ARENT aware that there are multiples of them #or at least they shouldnt be. see glamfred endo existential crisis. #and when on stage they arent really 'awake' just going on script and not thinking at all. #and even though they can think whatever they want they cant do anything against programming. or they shouldnt be able to at least #that is for the older ones. glamrocks have full complexity of human brains pretty much. #but anyway. something something your prison hates you just as much as you hate it. you are trapped with it and its equally trapped with you #it cant do much because youre taking up too much space inside of it. but it knows your there. and every chance it gets #it will do anything in its power to hurt you and get its body back. idk william parasite on his creation moment #it is not human like you. it doesnt process things like you. hate will not fade into acceptance it will always want you OUT

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[girlcrushau]

#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/ #but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to. #until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you) #and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text. #i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in. #just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me. #im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest. #and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

[koishua]

shining solo ep 8. my reaction rn 😐😐 took it a bit hard lmao

#tp #very mixed feelings. as someone who associates herself with jeongwoo and having very similar personalities... this ep hurt a lot #idk idk #i mean i get it but i also absolutely do not get it #so many thoughts im taking this very personally what the heck #i cant really warm up to half of this part's girlies im sorry #i loved everyone on part one #as someone who also struggles with managing my social energy lvls... this was a slap in the face #bc my boy jeongwoo truly gave it his ALL the whole day and even managed to perform a couple songs for the girls #despite already having spent the whole day together #and his energy must have been SPENT already and then they pick him as MVP of the day and he has that 1:5 date with all of the girls #by himself!! which is so terrifying imagine being the one person who everyone's attention is on and you have to interact with these ppl #that you arent very comfortable with but you still try your best to give them a good time #AND THEN!! they give you NOTHING in return?? not even a recorder?? no jewel no recording nothing. just ignored like that by everyone #and i get that the girls dont know who's voting for who so they might have believed someone else was gonna give him a jewel or sth #but no one gives him anything (positive OR negative) #and yeah. he was absolutely shocked at the empty safe. i would have been too. #and why did they not give him a jewel y'all might ask??? IT WAS BC HE FELL SILENT DURING THE LAST BIT: THE DINNER #my gosh that's the part that i take offense to personally bc it's really really really difficult to always engage in convos with ppl #after spending the whole day with them already?? and your social battery is down so you quietly enjoy a simple meal?? #and then all the girlies threw him away like that?? #i mean yeah you're surrounded by sweet men who spend the day appealing themselves to you but come on?? #i would have been so impressed by jeongwoo and thankful that he put that much effort in and would understand how difficult it is to #maintain it till the very end because not everyone has hyunsuk's boundless social energy #no offense hyunsuk i love you dearly #and also??? what's up with admitting that you lack some confidence upfront?? #the girl's reasoning for giving yoshi the voice recorder was that he said he holds himself to a high standard and lacks confidence sometimes #and i get it. being confident is more attractive than someone who's always insecure and puts themselves down #(and makes the other person uncomfortable) but they were having an honest and deep convo when the thing he said in that convo was used #against him in the end? i would feel kind of betrayed too bc being able to admit that you feel insecure sometimes is a v brave thing to do!!

[yourcalamity]

im about to have such a potent opportunity to disappear into the woods forever it itches

#i wonder how long it would take anyone to figure it out lol #youre welcome future coldcase vloggers #but for the record if i do mysteriously vanish no its not because of my job #must be said because thats the easiest explanation people come up with yeah it would be convenient right #if i could just get a new job and suddenly everything in my life will be fixed and all of the other blatant issues clearly coming from other #sources will cease to exist #also therapy and meds will do the same thing. i might as well walk up to a stranger and ask them to snap their fingers and cure me #just as long as the hand i turn to for help points in another direction technically im being ‘helped’ right #life is just a fight and you have to keep fighting for yourself and others and hope one day someone is going to fight for you #and when people dont fight for you when you need them to it becomes clear that you dont even need to fight. it would be easier to lose #you already upset them by not fighting for yourself and instead of fighting for you now theyre fighting againt you. do you really want to #fight harder. do you really want to fight people you love. no one wants that #ive been so emotionally destroyed these past years and idk if i will ever recover or find worth in myself again #and if i got a new job tomorrow at the most comfortable high paying company in the world with a one day work week and unlimited pto #i would still feel worthless because of the experiences ive had and the way everyobe has brushed over them as if i cant feel emotion #i have been carrying so much hurt #now im going home to say goodbye to the remains of a stranger who wouldve disowned me had we ever spoken on even ground #but sure i will enjoy my trip

[hearties-circus]

↖️ *guy that is having such a normal one right now* *guy that totally isn't fucking losing it* *guy that surely isn't about to explode into a million pieces with no idea how to put itself back together this time*

#gamer txt. #i cant i can do this i xant its too hard its too hard #zo yous know that post i made a bit ago? how o said i was fuvking desperate and hanging on by a thread? #well unsurprisingly as it turns out the sevonf ppl extended help i closed mysf back off and started lying again. who couldve daw that coming #ive vroken down plenty of times over the years but ibe always got back up ive bever had a 'i cant do it this time' moment #well i mean. until now #i just cant i cant do it it all hurts so much i cant enjoy anything i dread everutbing theres nothing theres fucking nkthing #it hurts all the time and i xant do anything about oy because no one in this house gives a shit #and i ca t do anything becayse eberyone online is do easy to ignore so easy to lie to #ive never veen this bad before ibe never dreaded life like this #i really dony know if i can xome back fron this #ya know on the 24th i would've been 3 years clean. i relapsed about a 2 months ago i wanna say? im really close to doing ot again #but i dont know if i wkuld stop. nor when i isuallu do anyeay i think i would keep going past what i know i could take #it would be stupid #no one gere would nhtive anything wrong until ot was too late id hust be making the worst mistake of my life #but despiye that. despite everything its so tempting. just for the chance that someone might notice #that someone might actuallu acknowledge theres sometjing wrong with and gove a fuck about me #i know this fanily. i know how they work. i know how they treated my xousin the last 2 tjmes she tried to off herself #but one of them would care right sureky? even just kne #i need someone yo see me to actually fucking see me and not all the walls ibe set up #someone to recognise that im in no state to take care of myself and never has been #something that will fight me when i obviously lie #but theres no way for me to get that #im not stupid enough to risk myself and um too much of a coward to call out in any other way #what the duck an i meant to do? #im a wreck thats too scared to tell anyone #ive been theoen into the middle of the ocean and the water is the strongest ots ever been #and there is the vague imsge of a life boat off in the distance but its too far and ny arm hurt too much to swim #even if i did make my arms hurt too much to climb aboard and theres no one on it to help me up either #so i just have to float here because at least drowning is less shameful than yaving made it to safety and been too weak to grasp it

[wriochilde]

ok.

#wjatevr. i dont care #no actually i do care. its about morishige how can i not care #i saw a very interesting take on why morishige chases yuka (not the tutorial idea. thats also interesting though) #something about how he was protecting her and he was never going to harm her #and i was like huh. maybe i misunderstood because i played the game when i was 11 #and then i realized i literally played it last week #i cant help but disagree? yeah he wasnt planning on hurting her. it makes the whole chase scene very funny especially if you get caught #he keeps repeating the same thing and me and my sister joke about it all the time lol #but anyways. i think that even in the manga he wouldnt have hurt her even though he hints at his intent being more malicious than in game #i love this scene because i love hearing people talk about why the fuck he did this #let me talk about the manga instead for a moment actually i think this scene is much funner there #he stops for a moment when yuka stops crying before he breaks into this very obviously malicious grin #like he was EXCITED. the darkening had already startrd to show and its very clear while hes chasing her #the whole time he was just messing with her. he wasnt planning to harm her in the manga either #because he literally catches up to her. and he could've caught up to her multiple times had he not been taking pictures as she ran #all he did when he caught up to her was whisper in her ear. so #yeah. he wasnt going to kill her or injure her like in the anime. but does that mean he had any good intentions? #im not sure how this could be described as him simply helping her #and i could be remembering wrong but doesnt he somewhat explain himself in book of shadows? #i remember him saying something about him just having fun and enjoying how scared she was #so ive always just seen it as him enjoying the rush he got from chasing someone weaker than him #because it was partially the darkening right? #im not one to say that morishige is inherently evil or always had a huge interest in gore or anything. becausw its not true #but i dont want to deface his character by warping his intentions to seem less malicious #i need to get a fucking journal this is getting out of hand #finn.txt

[devildairymilkfairy]

.

#man im really tired of having feelings for him. i should really just keep my distance and go back to dating apps #i long for the connection we have and hate having to build up something brand new #but im really tired of feeling butt hurt everytime he sleeps with our roommate #like yeah we broke up over a year ago. and still casually do shuff. its just hard for me to turn off that side of my brain #i just want to feel loved and be held by someone without having to build the foundation all over again #ive been depressed the past few days because of it. i act irrationally and cant control my feelings #overall its better if i just let them fuck around and i try to find someone new. only problem is im anxious and not a good conversationalist #plus i hate messaging people over phone. too much anxiety abt what im saying and if the other person enjoys me or not #anyways it sucks seeing the subtle evidence that they went at it while i was away. i have no right to be upset but i cant help but think of #him as more than a friend. i cant and shouldnt but we had dated 6 years previously. its a bit difficult to turn that switch off now #dammit i guess tonight im gonna sleep alone again and try not to cry. whatever gotta get over myself and move on. have to stop only thinking #of my self and being so damn possessive all the time #ash rambles #fuck i feel worse now after typing all that out yippee..

[cactusdodes]

.

#i woke up the other morning and on my way to work it popped in my head to break up with my partner #i love them and they're so fucking sweet and good to me and we've hardly had any issues. never had a fight and we've been together 5 months #we work really good together and i really enjoy spending time with them #but that morning on the way to work it wasn't like it was a question that popped into my head or 'should i break up with them' it was more #just an objective fact 'it's time to end things. it's over' and it's like something shifted. a switch flipped or something and i can't go #i can't go back. i still love them but i can't enjoy it anymore #i went over to their place night and went to dinner with them and their friends and hung out watching tv #like we have so many other nights #but it felt completely different. it felt wrong. i didn't belong anymore #it all just made me sad #i went hoping that spending time with them would bring it back. would make things normal again #but i just can't get it back. whatever the fuck 'it' is #but they're still so happy and in love and they were being so fucking sweet today trying to comfort me because they knew something was off #and it breaks my heart knowing that i'm about to hurt them #because i don't want to leave them but i feel like i'm being deceitful and fake because #i love them but i can no longer love them how they want me to. how i want to #but god i really really don't want to hurt them #i think i'm having or about to have a panic attack because of how stressed i am at the idea of hurting them #especially because it's already a tough time of year for them and work has been stressful nd i dont want to add to it but i cant lie to them #i can't really think about how much i don't want to do this or how much i'm going to miss them because i'm at work and i can't cry in front #of customers but fuck fuck it hurts #it hurts me just thinking about how much hurt i'm going to put them through #how much i already am because i know i'm acting different #but i'm pretty sure they think i'm just going through a depressive episode or something #bc they haven't fucking done anything! how can i break up with someone who hasn't even done a god damn thing??? #and i never really could see a distant future with them but it was so nice being with them #but it was so fucking nice to have somebody be as into me as i was them and to feel so reciprocated and on the same page as someone #why did that all of a sudden change. just completely out of the blue. completely unprompted #i don't know what to do.. and i'm out of tags. that's never happened before #madi says shit

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

#okay. i can handle this: #...i just really wish it wasnt so hard to do everything for me. like. ive spent years of my childhood molding myself for the sake of others #and what for? now that im an adult im just trying to completely remove the trauma i experienced as a kid. #and i just look back on all these things that hurt me and think #idk. theres not much to be done. in a way its a relief being able to pinpoint #diary #personal #i was gonna say i wish my mood was more stable but thats not quite right. #i guess i moreso wished i was a bit more resiliant. i wish that not every little thing hurt #or just. i wish i could handle the stressors of life a bit more easily. but i cant. #idk. its been a really rough week to be entirely honest. and then i just have little moments like these #where things sorta feel like they just fall into place. where i feel like i was just a kid. i didnt really understandokay im acting like thi #but really in the end it doesnt stop it for me? everything still hurts so much. #and its still hard to know all the things i need to deal with and do. #and honesty i know i cant handle the stresses that come with adult life. i cant even support myself really #i fully depend on my parents for any and all basic necessities. #i can pay for my health insurance yeah. but thats about it? #i could potentially pay for my phone and maybe other basic necessities. but in practice i cant. #the process of setting these things up is damn near impossible for me. #honestly. i think that while i enjoy the internet and such sometimes this is the worst time for me to exist #bc i just. am constantly stressed with so many things bc of it. and theres not much to be done really. #...i hope i can book an appointment with my therapist sooner than later. #at least i have a bunch of stuff i can do to keep myself busy ig... #but really. thats the problem. theres too much to do and its far too stressful. #well. at least ill be able to play with some things ig. idk. i have a new planner im excited about. #i like planning. i miss studying. i hate working. im tired of only having the options of working out or being in pain. #im just so tired of it all. #that appointment i had with the specialist sorta really made me realize. oh shit. this is my life now and im fucked. #like. i can take anti-inflammatories. but thats it really. my life is just gonna constantly be like this. and im tired. #idk. im gonna go finish my latte.