#i hear the symptoms of all of those and im like yeah that's me! that's also me! shit! that's also me!

[tittyinfinity]

My neurodivergencies and mental illnesses overlap so much that you could diagnose me with about anything at this point

#ocd and autism put together? must tap on things. must tap in specific rythm. or die. my whole life #adhd and autism? oh i cant focus but when i do that's all ill focus on for months or years #i can't pay attention but i have a photographic memory! so that didn't affect me much in school #also w the ocd and autism i constantly have to be picking at my skin in some way #whether it be dandruff my lips scabs or just chewing on the inside of my cheeks #like i can never stop no matter what #oh and another great thing about ocd and autism put together is that you get Echolalia² #this thing is going to repeat in the background of your head for months #and also you must sometimes say/sing it out loud randomly or you will explode #i was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and BPD also #manic and depressive episodes? turned out that was literally just dependent on my pain med prescription #rapid cycling emotions can come from all of those #i also have psychosis episodes and delusions! and hallucinations! wee! #oh and let's put a littlr sprinkle of C-PTSD on top of everything. just for fun #''anxiety disorder'' that was me freaking out about masking and how everyone would judge me #major depressive disorder? yeahhhh there's always that base level of despair #like I'm pretty sure the ocd adhd and autism are like one Whole Thing together #i hear the symptoms of all of those and im like yeah that's me! that's also me! shit! that's also me! #WHY IS THERE SO MUCH WRONGGGG #.bdo

[sanchoyo]

general lil life update!! trying to refill my queue the past 2 or 3 days so it actually seems like I'm Online, despite still kinda bein on an Internet Hiatus in general lately. but! I felt very productive today out of nowhere and was able to clean, journal, work out and cook a bit after like 2 weeks of not being able to do much bc Sick (which, I need to go to the dr about, but have been piddling on for a few reasons...) so that random burst of energy felt super nice! also its rainy out so that def is a mood booster. my dog and I sat on the porch and just enjoyed the rain together this morning and that was super sweet 🥺 I just took him and my journal and a blanket and we cuddled and I wrote down a couple recipes and stuff <3 I ended up starting a new journal thats different from my regular one that I treat as a diary and. I realize carrying 3-4 notebooks everywhere is EXCESSIVE probably, but also, it's SO FUN. I'm really grateful to be able to have journaling as my low-effort creative outlet lately while I haven't been able to draw or write much ;w;

hope u guys are doin okay too!

#sanchoyorambles #also I had some kind of strawberry frenzy earlier in which my mom bought a container of strawberries #not a small container! #and I ATE THEM ALL IN ONE SITTING LIKE AN ANIMAL #THEY WERE SO GOOD. SO SWEET #anyway i will end up dragging myself to the dr next week maybe depending on like #how much i have left from vet appointment on tuesday #feels like ive been waiting a MONTH for his appointment then i realize. yeah i kinda have lol #ill be glad when thats over too OTL. him being old makes me nervous anytime we gotta take him #im sure itll be fine but . i worry . anxitea #just also mildly worried ill drag myself to the dr and pay exorbitant lab fees or whatever only to hear back #'oh we dont know whats wrong lol'...since all the symptoms seem so random n unrelated when i list them out #i have my own personal theories but doctors do not like to hear those ive learned #so i will probably keep them to myself #even tho i think im Right #and the dr i have to go to is the one who told me it was just HORMONES when i was severely low on vitamin d and had had mono... #like...ok king... #not gonna put much faith in u...but i would kinda like some tests if possible to figure out if im right #i will feel vindicated then possibly see if like. i can have smth to fix it. if possible... #or at least get meds to manage it since uhh. been goin on for a few yrs now dont think its gonna go AWAY #but would be nice to hear its real and treatable in some way from a professional yknow

[depresseddepot]

had a dream abt making a friend in a class in high school and being really excited that i did but it being ruined by some teacher singling me out for literally no reason and then that person didn't want to talk to me anymore

#that is my whole high school experience compressed in one dream. made me feel just as bad too #thinking abt that time i was in a class of people i didn't know at all and were older/cooler than me #and someone next to me asked me (genuinely) if i could explain what the teacher meant the last two slides #and how the teacher called me (in the very last row of a class of 40) out by name the SECOND i started whispering to explain it to her #and then another time i had to leave my english class to take a math test (i was done w all the eng work) and the teacher was like #'why are you doing this so often?' 'this is only the second ti-' 'yeah and now its three. sure whatever. go.' #while that same teacher then turned around and let other kids cry in her class bc or worked hard to help them pass #like. lol. i wore all black and never spoke and stared at the ground when i talked and looks terrified whenever i had to do a presentation. #did that not generate any sympathy. maybe I was worse at expressions than i thought and looked angry all the time #but why did nobody ask abt MY home life #i got straight A's and was quiet and well behaved so nobody gave a shit abt me right. its only the ones that act out that get attention #god ive been out of high school for 3 years now and its still the worst time of my goddamn life #they were objectively good teachers bc i liked their classes and they were really nice to us #but every time they interacted with me one on one they were so mean and dismissive #am i that ugly? lol. was i not expressive enough #was it the lisp? did they hate hearing me talk? did i smell too much like my parent's cigarette smoke? #im never going to know and its always going to fuck me up that people that were SO nice to everyone else were so mean to me for no reason #those examples are just a couple of them but it happened a lot #i went into high school w emotional neglect and left with all of those symptoms absolutely solidified into my pysche #bc it showed again and again that adults were nice in public and mean in private and couldn't be relied on for support or help #vent #sorry

[lovebvni]

Shifting tips plz?

hey hon!! i’m going to be honest, i’ve been avoiding answering this because i feel like this is a three part thing. before shifting, during shifting, and after an attempt. so im gonna try to answer it like that.

!! long blog ahead !!

pre-shift

• before a shift, it’s good to meditate. get your mind, soul and intention on one thing, making an attempt.

• set an intention/affirm! for a few minutes, just say “i am going to shift.” “i have shifted.” “i will shift this attempt.” “i always succeed when i shift” or things like that. get it deep into your mind, into your bones! let the universe hear it!!

• do something to tire you out PHYSICALLY! this is some advice i haven’t seen before, but has helped me. if your physical body is tired, it’s easier for it to fall asleep so it can recover. but, after exercising, your mind and subconscious wasn’t doing much, so it still has energy to spare!

• hype yourself up! another thing i don’t see much, making yourself excited to shift. if you’re pumped with adrenaline, and then you’re about to do that action to get where you’re going (example, you got ready for a party and you’re getting ready to go in your car) you’re going to be like going CRAZY mentally and this will help u so much!!

• reflect! yeah, this is similar to affirming, in the way you’re reminding yourself of what you did and what you can do. remind yourself of that he attempts you made in the past, the symptoms you got, the times you temporarily shifted (or minishifted if u call it that) remind yourself of your power, your abilities!!

• read your script to where you’re shifting! if you have a script, of course, i know some people mentally script or don’t script much, but look over it if you have one. change little things, remind yourself what you look, the colour of your eyelashes compared to your eyebrows. random things like that.

• visualize it. “thoughts become things. if you see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand” — bob proctor. this isn’t limiting yourself to visualizing, hell, you can SAY you’re doing it. like i sometimes tell myself “i’m going to shower” or “i’m going to make a blog today” then i do it. i saw it in my mind, i spoke it, now i hold it in my hand. and there’s proof! witnesses, bro! sometimes, all you gotta do is think it and believe those thoughts are real.

during a shift

keep focus! or as my pastor once said, keep watch! watch your thoughts, watch your mind. if it starts drifting away from the method and you start thinking you want a sandwich ( *cough cough* me and @shiftingwithhale *cough cough* ) then refocus and redirect your thoughts. “i accept this thought, i will now move back to shifting.” then focus on shifting again. your mind WILL wonder, and that’s not a bad thing! you are human as much as you are god! you will make mistakes! but that doesn’t mean you keep making those mistakes. yall, i accidently stole once and i CRIED MY FUCKING EYES OUTTT!! before returning it. i was so upset i accidentally stole, and i went back in that store CRYING when I gave it back.( i was like 4 btw. i was so scared, it was cold n i wanted to ask my mom for smth but i forgot when i was holding her hand 💀)

listen to a sub/theta waves/a guided method! just something! it helps the brain focus and calms the crazy side. this is obvs if u have the ability to. for example, i know someone who can’t have their phone after a certain time + their parents make sure to take it before and check on them. they aren’t into shifting, it just makes it extremely difficult to talk to them after a certain time 🙄🙄 if u can’t do this, dw!! listen to a sub before going to bed/while doing hw :)

when intrusive/negative thoughts come — “why am i doing this?” “this is stupid.” “i what if i mess this all up bc i gotta sneeze” WHO TF CARES!! LITERALLY MOVE. TELL THEM TO SHUT UP. TELL THEM U WRE BETTER! OR EVEN TAKE A BREAK BRO! the break can literally b a few minutes js to regroup. sit up so you won’t fall asleep, open your eyes, count your fingers and toes (LMAO?? this is specific to someone) and tell yourself “i can do this because i’ve done it. plus other people have done it, all over the world! if one can achieve, so can another.” i feel like it’s so powerful just to remind yourself that if other people can do it you can. if you wanted some new shoes but js got fired from your job n you don’t know what to do, then just wait for a moment. talk to ppl you know. get it done somehow, because eventually you’ll get those shoes, if not better ones!

just do it bro 💀💀 like actually. if you fall asleep after counting to 17 WHO CARES! an awake method can b an asleep method. your brain shutting off does not equal your subconscious shutting down. dude, it CANT DO THAT!! it’s always working, and it works better when your body is resting. keep that in mind.

after an attempt

CELEBRATE i don’t give a shit if you fully shifted or not. you did something. you committed to it. sure, i know it’s hard to keep high spirits, but celebrate the little things. isn’t thanksgiving coming up? be thankful that u found out abt shifting. be thankful you can do an asleep method n shift that way. don’t b mad u didn’t wake up in ur dr, be happy you woke up in a parallel reality and you’re even closer!

write down what worked and what didn’t! if something in your method frustrates or confuses you, change it or remove it. if you visualize in the middle of the method, and you don’t like it, drop it 🤷 do what helps YOU PERSONALLY! use this as a form of journaling. and also, take a deep breath and write out your frustrations w shifting. then write what you love about it. always balance the negative w positive <3

do a reality check! make sure you’re not in a dream. weather you shifted where u want to or not, it’s always good to get in the habit of doing reality checks. it may surprise u and allow u to lucid dream and then shift!!

be in the present! if you didn’t shift, fuck that! you’re here right now and that’s what you can control! sure, you didn’t shift in the PAST but you can in the PRESENT and the FUTURE! so focus on that. it helps with your hope and motivation <3

that’s all i have for u lovely! if i think of anything else, i will update this blog, bc i do rlly believe and hope it will help people <3 this is another blog that made me think, so thank you for that! :)

i love u honey!! i wish u the best on your shifting journey !!

#abyss .answers #abyss .speaks #reality shifting #shiftblr #reality shift #shifting #desired reality #black shifters #shifting community #shifting realities #desired reality shifting #quantum shifting #shifting advice #shifting blog #shifting consciousness #shifting journey #shifting motivation #shifting script #shifting methods #shifting tips #shifttok #reality shifter

[roachemoji]

NEW ST LIVE BLOGGING bc i lost my old thread lmao S1 06-08 (but not really i need to rewatch the end again)

Episode 6

OKAY im starting like halfway through ep 6 again

the AUTISM in the first 30 seconds of this episode starting up again lmao EL calling him a mouth breather because its the first insult she fucking hears??? Yea YEAH

GOD JOYCE IN A TURTLE NECK <- my mom (hold oni have to jump back up here because I completetly skipped the part about Jane and her mom and the connection to El and i feel like its a little too on the nose that thats who El is given how much ive seen and read about the fuckery and connections in this show so im waiting on that - unless it is just... that. AKJHD)

I LOVE DUSTIN SO MUCH WHY DO I NEVER HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT HIM LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

hes SO smart holy shit i mean they all are but his interpersonal skills are so JUST YEAH CALL THEM OUT CALL THEM OUT also his quiet "ok" when he pushes that theyre all his best friends UGH

is this the scene is this the i think im about to watch the thing i just OH MAN HE JUST CLOCKED HIM WHO STRADDLES A MAN LIKE THAT WHEN YORUE FIGHTING HELLO

damn

anyway sorry Johnathan and Nancy Platonic Soulmates Best Friends Forever im making them bracelets !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh man i was gonna mention the van that Lucas saw but i forgot also GOD DUSTIN IS THE ONLY ONE WITH FUCKIGN SENSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH boys boys boys boys boys

I FORGOT HE PISSED HIS FUCKING PANTS LMAO

JUST PISS YOUR PANTS???? oh he okay yeah i though the was actually asking him to just piss his fucking pants

DUSTIN JUST SACRIFICING HIMSELF WHY DO I NOT HEAR MORE ABOUT HIM ACTUALLY

SO what would happen if Mike had like died what would happen if those kids had caused his death like wouold they have just ran and left Dustin or pushed him off or what like AKJSHDSKAJHD

IM SORRY THE SONG WHEN EL SHOWS UP IS SO FUCKING FUNNY

El exxperiencing PTSD so vividly breaks my fucking heart like girlie i understand i understan di do i reall really do god im so sorry BABY GIRL ITS OKAY AOOIASUDSKAH SHE OPENED THE GATE DAMN gonna like swaddle her or something god

im sorry the squad of white vans going to kidnap children is a little too on the fucking nose for me

---

Episode 7

real talk could El not just explode them what if El just exploded them i mean obviously theres OTHER consequences like... killing people BUt i mean.

SHE IDNT EXPLODE THE VAN BUT I MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT GUY IS PROBABLY DEAD SO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pausing to say something actually: How child abuse is depicted so far in the show is very scary to me in how real it feels. To be a kid in those situations, to not understand the power you weild because an adult as manipulated you into believing that you're helpless? That the only person you can rely on is them, even as they're actively harming you? Brenner being aware of the harm that El can cause him but believing so strongly in the hold he has on her and therefore he is above consequence, above harm? fucking yucky The scene of him giving her the potted flower made my stomach sink. Felt a little too close to home I know that themes of abuse are really prevelant in this show and Its really interesting to see how it affects people different but especially El, someone who'se pretty fucking clearly autistic and shows a lot of the same symptoms that i did post abuse? I thought i had more to say on it and maybei will as time goes on i just!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ough okay moving on --

LUCAS!!!!!!!!! APOLOGIZING and El saying she sorry too and ALL OF THEM APOLOGIZING YEAH THIS IS BOYS BEING BOYS BABEY THIS IS!!!! BOYS! BEING! BOYS!!!!!!!

WHITE WOMAN JUMPSCARE AGAIN

i cant wait to get to the part where i understand who you (POINTS AT EM) believe she is and fully feel whatever i should feel about her and what shes done or about to do or going to do in multiple timelines or what have YOU

Mikes dad makes me want to ram my head into a wall

and BRENNER is just fucking STABS HIM STABS HIM STABS HIM

Joyce is just :3c she just!! she <3

she can.... make you fly....... and...... piss yourself

the two super powers

OUHAKJSDH i forgot they think Johnathan killed Will jesus christ i hate these two so much and OUGAKSDH GOD THANK YOU FOR AKHSDAKJH FINALLY!! THANK U IK STEVE SHAPES UP AND CHANGES HIS SHIT AND GROWS THANK GOD BUT JESUS ITS ABOUT TIME HOLY FUCK

SPIT IN HIS EYES SPIT IN HIS EYES !!!! WISH U HAD GOD NOT THEIR DND SHIT HELLOW???

the Byers,,,,,,,,,, seemed so distant before like they didnt know each other or cared but god theyre so close theyre so so close and i feel that i get that

MIKES DAD AGAIN I WANT TO HES SO FUCKING STUPID if i were locked in a room with him id put on cocomelon

HOPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

THE BOYS ARE ALL SO SMART I LOVE THEM OS MUCH

El is just trying so fucking hard god the liek desperation and fear or failure and guilt that she just keeps carrying itS JUST!!!!

MR CLARKS LIL DATE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! do you ever use your teacher's autism against him and force him to info dump in the same of science.

watching them setting up the pool and knowing they probably just told them to figure it out while they filmed it <3 ALSO MIKE REALIZING HIS SISTER IS ACTUALLY COOL idk need more siblings being siblings

JOYCE IS MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

someone giving El the option to say no? to back out? to FEEL SAFE??? im going to lose my mind im gonan scREAM and cry and throw up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am BANGING MY FISTS On the TABLE

genuinely WAHT did barb do to deserve this WHAT DID SHE DO SHE WAS SUCH A GOOD FRIEND OH MY GOD

joyce joyc ejoCYCE JOYCE JOYCE fuck all yall shes my favorite character im in love with her

Do episodes that end in the upside down also not end with music @ em i cant remember this happening before bc i didnt write it down <3

---

Episode 8

LAST EPISIDE OF THE SEASON i went to get popcorn for this to pay full attention or as much as i could im goingin an dout of dissociating so bare with me i feel like im gonna have to rewatch the entire first season again bc i missed a lot but we'll get there in due time anyway onward and upward boys

OHH THE FIRST SCENE I SAW A PARALLEL TO EPISODE ONE!!! WITH JOYCE ON THE PHONE AND NOW YELLING AT BRENNER

god i love WHEN PEOPLE STAND UP TO BRENNER AND DONT BELIEVEHIS BULLSHIT

Hopper <333333

Johnathan and Nancy are my favorite best friends theyre jUST like GUNG FUCKING HO i love it

IM OAIUSDKAJHD NANCY AND HOPPER GOING FUCKING IN WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN yall keep underesitimating these people because you got your fancy suits and you think ou have control of the situation and then you get your ass handed to you SO IM waiting for his ass to be handed to him

do NOTTTTT DO NOT DO THIS TO ME WITH HOPPER DONT THROW ME INTO A FUCKING FLASH BACK!!!!!!! NOT LIKE THIS NOT HERE GONNA BITE

if i have to watch people cut their palms to get blood one more time im gonna STOP STOP IT STOP IT STOP oh my GOD LIKE... BAK O FYOU HAND? YOUR ARM? GIRL.

STEEVEEEEEEEEE are the lights gonna start blinking girl please pleas eplease srteve please can he help kill please bro Im HIS big brown eyes hello hwa the fuck

SO Tumblr deleted... everything after this and im kinda upset man i got like 20 minutes left in the episode not even and it just wiped out 90% of me going balls to the fuck wall about El exploding people's brains and how much i love Joyce Byers and how they gotta stopputting me through so much emotional turmoil when it comes to Hopper and his flash backs

I think im gonna rewatch the last episode to give a better genuine reaction bc i kinda spaced out at the end and dont super know whats going on now askdhj

#bo posting #bo.txt #stranger things #oougHSKDHGSJF #AH

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

DO NOT BUY FAKE THC/DELTA 8 VAPES IN ILLEGAL STATES

Tmi story time scroll if not interested

Ok so basically I don't live in a legal state and I did the big stupid, which is vape the delta 8s and whatever else they had. I will explain why this is stupid.

Those vapes sold in illegal states like mine are faaaaar more likely to have harmful additives like vitamin e (good for you skin, not your lungs) and other random shit who knows.

Now I did not realize just how harmful they are until about a week ago when I did a little more research.

I've been vaping those little shits on and off for about 2-3 years, so I hope I don't develop some crazy disease.

Popcorn lung is more likely if you vape nicotine (I did a little but not really on a regular basis) and EVALI is more likely if you vape the FAKE thc/delta 8 carts and disposables.

All that being said vaping in general is not really good for you, but if you vape, PLEASE make sure you buy from legal states!!! Please don't be a stinky idiot like me!!!

A good way to tell if your disposable is safer, you can check their website, batch number, serial number, ingredients, all that jazz.

If you live in an illegal state, there are NO outlets you can buy genuine vapes, so unless you got a plug you trust, don't buy thc delta vapes anywhere.

I love yall stay safe muah muah

Ok here's the actual tmi storytime before I got carried away

So like yeah I feel ok, but I do feel like my lungs have this little layer. What I'm so scared of is what if I'm old and I finally figured out how to enjoy life and not be a whiny little bitch, but then thats when I'll have cancer. Like it'll just come out of nowhere as soon as I find out how to be happy with myself and my life and the world.

I mean my grandpa hasn't smoked since I was born and he got diagnosed with lung cancer a few weeks ago

So yeah that would be so funny if I died as soon as I didn't want to die

Ok the other thing is that, with my lungs feeling odd, there is a glimmer of hope. Exercise really might be the answer. If you or a loved one did those vapes, exercise is the most likely way from my experience to clear everything out.

My bf was really cheefing those vapes more than I did, but he also exercised more than I did. And he reports no symptoms, I don't hear any either...

And whenever I exercise, I feel like im loosening up that "film" and yeah. I'm gonna be smoke free once I start my next semester, and a nice 4-6 month period of exercise and cleanliness should help my lungs clean up.

Long story short. No buy trippy vapes if you do not live in a legal state. If consumed, exercise, hydration, nutrition, and breathing exercises are vital for maximum chance of survival

#im so out of it #im going through some stuff not to serious i just make my own problems #everyone and everythkng is too much for me #so many expectations #idk anymore #delta 8 #delta 9 #delta 10 #thc #thc vapes #vape #vapes #vape safety #just smoke plain za kids #still tar but a little better than whatever tf in those vapes #im insane #i was moping outside the door becasue i didnt wanna gk inside bht i have to pee and them someone came out andthey saw me run behind a car #hahahahahhahahahhaahahhhhaa #its no use pretending im normal anymore #theres just no use #everykne in. y family and at school and even my future inlaws are now aware of my insanity #no one will ever love me again #thats selfisb of me there are people who care #mom is this what you meant by i dont wanna go over there and smile #i AM SO SICK OF PRETENDKNG I AM INTERESTED AND E #AND EXCEITD ABOUT ANYTHING ITS ALL SO SHOT

[did-system-did]

Long Thoughts

I feel like a ghost of who I used to be.

I thought the more effort I put into healing, processing, accepting, and integrating the less I would have to deal with the symptoms of DiD. The less I would have to worry about being different.

Somehow with age, its gotten harder. I thought it would be the opposite. I idealized a future where I could just be one, have a better memory, and retain information better. I wanted that future so badly. Maybe its still possible and I'm just prematurely discouraged, but it was so much easier B.D (before discovery).

Yeah, it was chaotic and embarrassing and all the things you can imagine from an unknowingly traumatized little girl. It was easier back then to just write off my behavior as being weird. I was just the weird, rambunctious, unpredictable little girl, pre-teen, teenager, young woman. And truthfully, I found comfort in the idea that everyone lived that way.

Leaving the emotional distress aspect out of it, I thought everyone had multiple voices and memory gaps and drastic identity changes and internal conflict with identity. So I just lived my life. I was more unstable, but I was significantly happier even through the manic/depressive episodes. It was easier to write it off as "this is just part of life!". My system worked for me.

Finding out that I'm separate from the internal family that raised me was terrifying, embarrassing, yet liberating. Terrifying because the voices I came to be familiar with weren't a norm like i thought, embarrassing because i realized the horrible, mean, weird, chaotic things i've done around people wasnt a dream but actually real life; and liberating because i spent years trying to understand the complex experience i was having and finally cracked the surface.

It was an intense discovery.

Months and a couple years later i was extremely motivated to get to the bottom of my disorder, come to terms with what happened to me, and grow as an individual. Being aware of switches was harder than being unaware, because the latter meant that those days or memories were processed as dreams or separate from reality so i have nothing to worry about. Now knowing that I'm being ripped out of my mind and body made me more erratic when it came to time and how i spent it. I wanted to prevent switches so i could live my life more.

Almost 4 years A.D, i feel... defeated. I have lived my life a certain way since childhood filled with switching, beautiful chaos, and recklessness. It was full of rambunctious people taking care of me, laughing with me, helping me with tests, saying jokes only we can hear, talking to me out loud while i wear headphones walking home from school, protecting me, and just making me feel like someone was there for me. Although it was a confusing time, i was happy. My system made me happy.

That's something i have never admit to anyone, not even my husband who is in full support and knowledge of my disorder. But growing up and until discovery, my system was one whom i, for the most part, could trust.

It's just harder now. When you're a kid theres more freedom for weird behavior, but at 24 years old i would be called crazy.

I'm not crazy, im traumatized. I'm severely torn apart and my brain led the otherwise impossible task of gluing me back together. I spent time in psych wards and crisis houses. I lived in my car and got fired from jobs. I struggle heavily because the way my brain formed itself to live isnt one that fits where i am anymore. And yet, I still need them to feel like myself.

Its painful to accept that because for so long I just wanted to be me. But I'm seeing now that its already been done. This is my brain. This isnt the type of disorder you can medicate away. My brain put itself together in this way to survive and the more i try to make my days quiet and free from my system, the sadder I've become.

This is my sign to take a different approach and be more accepting of the system who helped save my life.

It'll be hard, but i want to be happy.

#host #hostxtommy #rant #long thoughts #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid #endos dni

[faiiryteethh]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

#ask

[ghostcrows]

That being said I do wanna talk about something here because I feel like people here might get it more than other places

I'm really sort of grappling with I guess actually accepting that I heavily exhibit BPD symptoms and have for years, like to the point that regardless of my feelings toward that diagnosis and who gives it out and their reasons for it - and despite my reservations toward any type of official diagnosis -AND despite feeling like I prematurely diagnosed myself as a teen and then avoiding the label altogether - I just want to treat the symptoms so that things can get better.

It's very isolating. I feel things incredibly intensely. It doesn't just go away it rattles my whole body physically for days or weeks. When I get attached to people it becomes unbearable for me and eventually, almost inevitably, for that person too

I struggle with what I think must be splitting, where...I think it's not quite as black and white as splitting is presented as where I absolutely hate someone or I absolutely love someone, but it's very close. Usually it's this conflicting mess of both at the same time, this very ugly place where resentment (founded or unfounded) meets complete idolization. It's not a position anybody deserves to be put in and I try to keep it to myself but, it's hard to hide intense feelings. People can usually tell when you're acting moody and weird even if you think you've got a good handle on it. And its incredibly overwhelming

And of course I've got abandonment issues lol...kind of the root of the whole thing right...and of course it becomes self fulfilling prophecy you know how that is...very annoying. Very unfair

And...I can be meaner than I like to think I'm capable of...it's usually a subtle thing but that's probably honestly worse. It's the kind of mean where I can even convince myself I'm not really being mean..but I am. Like. I'm certainly not being nice...and it comes from honestly usually just not knowing how to communicate that I'm in some weird fucking mood. When you tell people you're in a mood a lot of the time they're like oh whats up what's wrong and sometimes yeah you can talk about it to feel better but sometimes there's just nothing. You're just in some damn ass mood. It has not much to do with anything. And when you're in those moods it's hard to be around people and not be irritable and nasty. But it's also hard to be alone with it. And if you isolate you start to feel like a monster who needs to be locked up so that you don't hurt anybody. It's difficult to constantly be in some weird headspace that alienates you from other people.

And im impulsive in like...not quite as extreme ways as severe BPD but I have been there before where I was doing some of those things. It's more things like sending people 20000 texts a second or just like Reacting without stepping away and then having things immediately escalate. Getting to where I'm angry enough that I break things and i hurt myself. Not being able to sit with an unpleasant feeling. Not being able to handle criticism or rejection well

All of that to say... that it is a struggle and it's something I'm looking for good resources on. I'm trying out some self help DBT workbooks to see if that does anything for me. I don't know if I want to try CBT again I don't know how much it helped before but I know most therapists do CBT now ... I keep hearing about EMDR as some magical fuckin miracle treatment but I still barely know what it is. I'm not currently interested in being on medications but I'm not 100 percent against it either. Im at a crossroads with the very idea of therapy where I do think I need it but I also don't know how much it can realistically do for me or if I can find somethijg or someone that works for me. And also I can't afford it rn lol.

So um, if you struggle with this sort of stuff too just like feel free to DM me because I'd really like to talk about it with people who get it. And if you have anything that has helped you with these types of symptoms please feel free to share it. I will look into it

[tmgstudios]

i was wondering if you could explain how some of your narcolepsy symptoms feel? ive been noticing possible symptoms in myself lately and wanted to hear what symptoms feel like (ive been doing medical research as well!) Symptoms like:

daytime sleepiness

automatic behaviors

(if possible) cataplexy

sleep attacks (i think thats what theyre called?)

hello hi! sorry it took me so long to get to this i've been super busy with finals LMAO. symptoms can feel different for everyone but ill try my best to give you my experience!!

daytime sleepiness: for me this is basically just what it says on the tin. im really sleepy and tired during the day. contrary to what i believed for a lot of my life, it is not normal to feel tired during the day, every day!!

automatic behaviors: for me this manifests a lot when writing or walking. after my brain says to stop writing my hand keeps going, not really writing words anymore just like. kinda scribbling. same goes for drawing on paper. my hand just keeps going. and for walking, sometimes ill tell my brain to stop walking and ill keep going another few steps. theres probably some others i just don't notice because they don't happen as often but yeah those are the main two for me

cataplexy: i have narcolepsy type-2, aka narcolepsy without cataplexy, so i cant actually give you anything on this one, sorry! i know a couple of my followers do so feel free to add on if you want! or if you have cataplexy and just see this in the wild lmao

sleep attacks: from what ive been able to gather from talking to other people with narcolepsy, these manifest in a lot of different intensities for everyone. for me, sleep attacks are a sudden wave of extreme tiredness and my brain telling me "you need to take a nap Right Now". i'm able to push through and stay awake if i need to, but i really try not to because i'll end up with a killer migraine lmao

again, these symptoms can totally manifest differently for everyone, so i wouldnt totally discount narcolepsy as a possibility if my experiences don't match up with yours! all and all if you suspect even a little that you might have narcolepsy, i recommend talking to a sleep specialist(if you can obviously, ik it's not an option for everyone). i've said it before and ill say it again, narcolepsy is super under-diagnosed and mis-diagnosed because people don't know the symptoms/don't think the symptoms they notice "count" as narcolepsy, so yeah! do research! talk to a doctor if you can!!

sorry again that i answered this so late, i wish you luck!!! feel free to ask any other questions you may have i promise i will try to get back to you sooner LMAO

#bonemeal #narcolepsy

[aspd-culture]

a little bit of a vent but also a question. someone said i was “collecting disorders” and now i feel like shit. all because i wanted the aspd role in a discord server because i think i have aspd when i already think i have bpd/npd and have those roles. they pretty much lied about me too about other things in order to make me look bad and “call me out”. i was so stressed and paralyzed. my heart started racing and my stomach dropped. i feel like i went into flight mode. i hate confrontation. i didn’t defend myself because i thought that would make me look like a loser who cares. i thought to myself they’re not worth a reaction anyways. i decided that defending myself is not worth the mental hassle. they can think what they want and it doesn’t matter to me. this is just fan behavior. this is how i justified not defending myself and just leaving the server (which i don’t like in the first place).can a person with aspd have this type of a reaction? i feel like the typical reaction would be to fight back but im so tired of fighting and the toll it takes on me. i get such an adrenaline rush and my body starts shaking and i feel the need to fight but these days i just can’t. these fights aren’t worth it to me anymore. these people don’t deserve my effort, even if it’s a fight.

Ooo let's see if I can piss off an ableist today (not you, the people who say bs like "collecting disorders"). I have 8 professionally diagnosed mental health conditions, one I am currently in the process of being assessed for, and a handful of other symptoms we have as of yet been unable to place under a particular diagnosis.

There is no such thing as "collecting diagnoses" and that phrase is arguably one of the most ableist things I have ever been forced to read and hear multiple times since the beginning of my mental health journey. The gall of some people to *make fun* of another person and accusing them of faking because they struggle with more disorders than you think is acceptable? Fuck that. Blatant and obvious ableism. You are valid. Idc how many diagnoses you have, self or otherwise, you are valid to me because I am not a professional and even if I was, I am not your professional.

The DSM-V specifically calls out that multiple cluster b disorders can be diagnosed comorbid. They have similar development criteria so it makes sense that if you have one, there is an increased chance you may have more than one. In fact, if you have been diagnosed with one pd, you are more likely to be diagnosed with a second one than you were to be diagnosed with the first.

What you described from them is some major fan behavior, and I'm proud of you for leaving the server. That is exactly what I would have done for the same reasons. Let them talk, they are just showing everyone who matters how ableist they are anyway. And for the record, the people they are trying to seem cool to (reddit-type ableists) are already going to hate them for being in a mental health server.

They are playground bullies and I'll tell you what I learned about playground bullies very young; the easiest way to ruin their day is to completely ignore what they're saying.

They thrive off the attention and validation they get from your hurt and your anger. The fact that you left ruined their fun, I promise. Maybe they kept talking shit to try and make it fun again, but deep down each of them knows that once the person they attempted to victimize neither shrunk down nor got angry, it was no fun anymore.

So yeah, many pwASPD may have fought back against it, but it is definitely aspd-culture to ruin their fun and get the ultimate revenge of refusing them the dopamine of a reaction.

You did a great job, and you *are* valid. It sucks that you had to deal with them, and anything you feel about it is valid too. There are people who won't treat you that way, I promise.

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #pissing off ableists #tw ableism #ableists #ableism #ableist bullshit #fuck ableists #ableists dni #anons welcome

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

dont have aspd but i like never had emotional empathy growing up (yay mix of autism and childhood situations that caused me to unlearn/block off emotional empathy) and i've never felt remorse and i only get small twinges of guilt i can easily brush aside, but i watched drrr at age 17 and showed it to my family and having all of em be like "yo ur just like izaya" (my mum was like "yeah if i hadnt been super careful how i raised u, 100% u would've turned out worse than izaya" which. uh considering before izaya the chara i related most to was azula from atla. fun to hear). and it me caused me to be like "oh shit maybe i should like learn empathy". i didnt realise i had cognitive empathy or that it was even a thing so i spent a few years teaching myself emotional empathy and man it suuuucks. worst decision i ever made. now i spend time being like upset for other ppl? when i used to just, be able to intellectually understand things sucked for them and help em out w/o feeling anything and so i wasnt emotionally bothered/drained afterwards. whereas now i like, spend time crying over other ppl? exhausting and terrible. it hasnt improved me as a person at all, im dont actually care abt things any more than i used to, and i think cognitive empathy is by far the most useful and practical out of the two. im not saying u shouldnt listen to ur therapist, i just kinda wanted to get that off my chest and not be judged?

WANNA MAKE CLEAR i am not judging u i just have always always always wanted to use this meme for as long as i have known of its existence

and what ur describing is literally exactly why i worry abt emotional empathy and feeling remorse like. maybe i'm fine existing this way. maybe i don't want to be fixed!! i get that itd make me more palatable and easier to get along with or whatever but i'm a person too!! what about me?? everyone will have conflict at some point; what about me makes it so that all chances of that need to be hammered down?? i'm a person too- what about what i feel is right for my own emotional state???

fun facts my fiance liked me partly because i reminded him of izaya. idk if you know enough of my blog to know my Lore but: he knew me for a day thru roleplaying and i wanted to know him outside of a rp context, and he was talking abt liking psychology. i then challenged him to diagnose me, yaknow As You Do, and in a Public Server he went "oh you have aspd, don't you?" totally innocently, he had no idea abt the stigma

i ofc denied it because i wanted him to like me and also was sixteen, but oddly enuf the aspd traits are (partly) Why He Liked Me??? not in a fetishistic way but just like, accepting that was part of my personality that doesnt need to be hammered out and like, not acting like Total Full Remission It's Like It Was Never Even There is the only end goal worth chasing like. maybe i dont wanna fully remiss maybe thats my choice and i have fuckin, command over my own god damned mind body and life!!!???

also fwiw: i dont know the rest of your symptoms but you having autism and the symptoms coming from trauma don't negate the possibility that it's aspd so id suggest looking into it more! even if a therapist said you didnt have it, they can be kinda..... stupid about aspd lmfao! don't look on quora and don't look on reddit nothing good lies behind those walls

#fwiw part 2 i found azula really relateable #:| #thanks 4 tha ask! the stuff u talked abt is important TO talk about #this fucked up life isnt good n pure and the parts that can be deemed' immoral' also need to be talked abt #destigmatization is useless if its only the Good Parts that r accepted #thats just regular ol stigma!! #wasks

[petewentzisblack1312]

Have you done an analysis of bishop’s knife trick yet? I feel like you have but I’m struggling to find it. I am so excited for FOB8 but in the same token I’m not ready to be brought to tears again like “I know I should walk away, know I should walk away/But I just want to let you break my brain/and I can't seem to get a grip/No, no matter how I live with it” just broke me listening to it again

I’ve been going through really bad mental health period and usually I’m used to the depression like it’s whatever but that’s not what this is like I feel like I’m losing my mind, I can’t sleep and yeah not to bitch about my mental health in your ask box but this song means so much to me rn bc like I’m terrified to go on meds so those lines make me want to bite Pete so lol. TLDR I would love your analysis ❤️ I feel like you always do such a good job on bringing mental health into it bc I feel like a lot of people ignore that aspect of Pete’s writing and want to make it all about relationships and like, it’s much deeper than that and You Get It

yes i have dones an analysis of bishops knife trick, you can find that here! im flattered that you like my analysis

ive also mentioned in a different post how "blue" in fall out boy is ambiguous because it can mean so many things. like are they the blues we sing or the blues we take or the blues we feel? i think the line "these are the last blues were ever gonna have/lets see how deep we get" is a good example of this. is it the last time the persona is taking their meds and theyre anticipating flying off the deep end? is it the last time they expect to be sad but they dont think its going to last? is this the last time theyre going to sing? i like that it could be multiple different things.

also, i just want to say to you that it can definitely be scary to try medication. i was worried it would take away my creativity (though i was suffering so much i was willing to trade that) however it really just made the negatives of my mental illness more manageable. im more able to channel my creativity in healthy ways. it actually allowed me to be more me than ever! that being said, if you decide you dont want to be medicated (and that is an option!) many people find success with frequent regular therapy sessions to build a toolbox to handle their symptoms. in my opinion you can effectively do therapy without medication (although it takes dedication to improving), but you cant really do medication without therapy!

i can tell you that i know what its like to feel like youre losing your mind and not be able to sleep and feel out of control and stuff, thats how i feel when im manic, and its. bad. like it feels good sometimes when youre like agitated and happy. but when youre agitated and upset, god is it bad. im hoping you get through this without any major crises. i recommend telling a friend youre feeling unstable so that they can check in with you. that line that you quoted specifically too, its so insane. like it describes the feeling so well. you know youre crossing lines, and maybe you been this way before and you feel like you should know how to deal with it but you dont because the feeling of being in it is so intoxicating that you just keep moving past the breaking point cuz you cant seem to get a grip no matter how long you live with it.

when i hear bishops knife trick all i can think is "i'll live if it kills me"

#dils declares #dils dissects #i hope you feel better anon! #its rough. boy do i know it. #but you can weather this storm!

[mrpsychokiller]

you sound like you have adhd (ive been diagnosed since 3rd grade, am 23 now). its very commonly comorbid w autism. thats how i feel when im off my meds!

yeah i do think about that a lot... i struggle so so so much with attention span and procrastination and hyperactivity and boredom and cant get anything done ever and it ruins my ability to live normally. and i dont know how much those are linked to my autism traits or how much they count for adhd (though autism and adhd often come together and overlap, so having autism might mean i have adhd too) but i do suspect i might actually have adhd.

and then i hear people with adhd talking about how when they go on medications things get so much better. on how their symptoms ease and they can get things done and their mind feels clearer. and my god i sure wish i could take anything to help my situation. but then im just lost again. i dont know how to get an adhd diagnosis. i dont know how the process works, what do i have to do, how i can get medication. i have a therapist (who i dont like) but i dont know how to approach the idea of adhd to him, or if he would believe me or help me get a diagnosis (considering all the terrible experiences ive had with therapy and psychiatry that were actively incapable of helping me)

so like idk. i still have no idea what to do

#sorry this is long again i never talked about this i think #ask #anon

[transvampireboyfriend]

@pikween replied to your post “went to the front desk at the emergency room to...”:

wait what do you mean she sees auras

​sssoooo. im SO sorry im going to use this to lay down all i know of my mom's "clairvoyance" stuff (because i have this thing about documenting our family) so it'll be super long. but tl;dr she sometimes sees light around people and sometimes those people die within a week of that.

this has happened like 5 times so far and she's about 50 so it's not a common occurrence at all. those 5 times, she's received news that someone in town died and my mom has said that she knew they were going to die because the last time she saw them she could see the person's aura, which she describes as a bright white light surrounding them. when i asked her to describe it she said this picture of me reminds her of those auras.

This has happened both with people she loves and with complete strangers. She says she doesn't know when it started, she thinks maybe she was able to see them when she was a child, but she didn't know what they were so she didn't pay much attention to them.

The first time she realized was when her grandmother died, my mother was in high school, the same day my mother saw her aura, she died. Then it happened with some lady she saw across the street and the next day the lady was dead and it turned out she was the mother of one of my mom's acquaintances and that's how she found out that that stranger had died.

Then it happened with a couple kids, which is extremely sad, but my mom is a teacher, she sees about 300 kids every day so to me it makes sense it would happen with kids too, even if I can't in a million years begin to imagine what she must've felt with those.

And then it happened with my dad's mom too.

My mom also has had some very detailed visions and tons of instances of "bad feelings" that materialize a day later as bad news in our lives. Though she also has this with good news and she says she's seen auras on people (including kids) that don't die the next day or week; so when it happens she tries not to immediately expect a death.

and now for the debunking asdfghjks no, i'm a hugely skeptical person but for some reason i believe her about this. however, i have to say, she does lie, constantly, like waaay more than average, for many reasons. also migraines are known to show auras, not around people but it could be that? she says she doesn't have migraines but she's known for minimizing her symptoms. and last but not least, our family is like the poster of generalized anxiety disorder all the way up to that grandma who died in the third paragraph, so we're kind of always waiting for bad stuff to happen. so, yeah, all of these might just be coincidences.

my mom also is an extremely religious catholic but she does not link religion to any of this, which i guess is why i believe her, in part. i at least believe that she's seeing what she's saying she's seeing. my sister has some stuff like the visions and feelings as well. i sometimes know big news hours before anyone tells me about it, but i choose to believe it's because i am very observant lol

anyways. if you wanna hear about one of the visions, or feelings, or the news i know hours in advance, or what my mom is like in an abandoned asylum, shoot me an ask :)

#sorry again about the poorly constructed essay on my mom's clairvoyance #but thank you so much for asking about this <3 #our family stuff is deeply connected to our latine culture and that's why i want to start documenting it even if its just bare facts like #this where you can't really see it lol #family history #replies #.