#also w the ocd and autism i constantly have to be picking at my skin in some way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gay-and-n3on · 2 years

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heyy uh idk if this is a little tmi but anyway LIke 2 years ago i was tested for autism, it was supposed to be two parts and part one was like describing people in photos, what they were doing, what there expressions ment, ect then i was read to and had to recite sentences. but uh, the lady testing me couldn't get the second part of the test because someone lost the key to the room it was in, so i only ever did that first half? and i was supposed to have a full meeting w/ her and my dad to go over the results but we just, didn't? and all that was sent was an email that said that i was totally normal and theres nothing to worry about dont worry about it ur totes fine (btw i live in Australia if that matters)

Two years later and ive been hesitant to really say much about it for fear of being labeled as like “o em g i have autism and its so cutesy fun and i also have 20 other mental illnesses” but more than once ive had multiple friends be like “huh r u sure your not autistic? and googling symptoms it seems like i have more than a couple symptoms, im also afab, um could someone point me in the directions of some resources i could perhaps take a look at? im not really sure what to do, ive made an appointment with a doctor for next week, but im just not sure what to do with myself in the mean time? am i over reacting with the test thing? whenever i bring it up with my parents they sort of glaze over it and say that im fine, im not sure i have austisim as i really really dont want to self diagnose, and ive also had friends tell me that I might have ocd? I am constantly suffer from executive dysfunction to a point were im failing my classes, i also get sensory overload frequently and extreme audio sensitivity. I also have compulsions to say words, like saying things i see and repeating words (eg, saying worm every time i see a worm, or repeatedly saying the word worm aloud after seeing one) and also feeling the need to touch things to specific parts of my body, usually something smooth/ oddly textured to the center of my hand. i also have a poor social filter, i will say things that i ment kindly as compliments of neutral statements but will then make people upset and i normally wont understand why until the tell me (Eg, saying I love your eyebags, or you smell like a stick insect! or your nails are so pretty and long, they would be perfect for picking up baby snails ((these unfortunately are things ive actually said to randoms at school and i will never live down)) and also,,,,,,,, god im rambling thanks for still reading, i also tic and stim, i frequently experience premoitory urges to touch parts of my skin, crack or move my neck and flinch. i frequently flap my hands. oh and i also have lots of urges to eat things that are not edible eg, paper, rubbers, wood, metal wires, dirt, rocks, plastic, ect ect. ALSO i regularly end up making rules for myself in my head, like “you cant eat the chocolate until you have finished this video” or “you cant go to the bathroom until you find and watch and like a yt short” and i also tend to think to do things in a specific order, like i will chop the vegetables then clean the pot im going to put them in, then ill get nervous and upset when someone cleans the pot for me before i chop all the vegetables. ok um this got off track fast, uh anyways if anyone can link some stuff i would like that please and thank you

#autisim #mental illness #undiagnosed mental illness

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gothicmisa · 4 years

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drama L & ocd

thank you @matsvda for helping me with these (big fat heart emoji)

trigger warning for this post: as context for the ocd headcanons i’ll be talking a little bit about a @51161121‘s childhood headcanon for L which includes childhood neglect, eventual abandonment, and hospital trauma. further down the line, tw for unsanitary behaviors, ocd compulsions & intrusive thoughts, skin picking and hairpulling (dermatillomania and trichotillomania), and magical thinking i.e “if i avoid doing this, then i will have good luck/bad luck” (same vein as like. “reblog this post or x will happen” kind of thinking)

the childhood headcanons wrt L’s mom and his homelessness are credited to @51161121 lmao it’s their headcanon im just living in it--

L's mom was rlly neglectful and not. a good mom. she eventually abandons him in their trailer home when he's six years old and leaves him a little cash but that's it.

he ends up living on the streets. he doesn't wear socks or shoes bc they overstimulate him and he Hates Them, and because of this he accidentally steps in shattered glass. the infection is so bad he ends up in the hospital. L Hates The Hospital To This Day bc he fought the staff so much they put him in a CHILD RESTRAINT SLEEPING BAG

i think this experience could have lead to like. (L's internal thought process) "i never want to go to the hospital ever again."--> "i will never get sick or hurt again." --> "to keep myself from getting sick or hurt i will do things to avoid getting sick" --> germaphobia --> contamination ocd compulsions.

i think also, relating to how disgusting his childhood home would have been, he might feel a need to keep things a certain way (with watari's assistance) bc like the idea of living like that again makes him crawl the walls so. neatness compulsions and feeling like everything needs to be his definition of "right" even though they might not make sense to other people i.e: he doesn’t make the bed because its fine all rumpled up, but if you put your shoes in the wrong place he gets >:(

a list of L's compulsions and other germaphobia-related eccentricities

doesn't like brushing his hair with a brush because he hates that dead hair and skin remain on the brush from the last time someone brushed their hair with it

toothbrush has to have a protective little cover on the head of it or its contaminated and he will get sick if he uses it

all of the doors in countermeasures can be opened hands-free if he chooses

the lighting is also hands-free; he controls the dimness and brightness from his computer

he doesn't clean his keyboard because "my hands are always clean" so it's probably actually due to be cleaned but if watari cleans it L will throw a fit

we already knew this but he can't stand wearing filthy clothes. he changes his shirt approximately three times a day but usually more than that. pants he can handle wearing for a little longer. he won't wear socks.

he wears a sick mask every time he goes out of the hotel.

he compulsively washes and sanitizes his hands. he scrubs at his hands with scentless exfoliants every time he washes them. on top of the excessive washing, he is constantly using hand sanitizer. the smell of normal hand sanitizer repulses him and reminds him of the disinfectant smell of a hospital so he uses candy apple scented hand sanitizer. it's green. although if he's really anxious about washing his hands that day, he'll rinse his hands in hydrogen peroxide and lemon juice. awful

because of the hand washing and the sanitizing and the exfoliating and the Rinsing With Chemicals and Acid compulsions, his hands have extremely dry skin. (L's internal monologue) dry skin = dead skin. dead skin is unsanitary. i have to pick my skin now

because of the dry skin and the skin picking on his hands, they tend to be raw and hurt all the time. he hates bandaids because they leave a sticky residue and that overstimulates him (and it also makes dirt stick and collect on his hands and he'd literally rather die than let that happen) but he DOES love the neosporin that has the pain relief additives. he goes through a tube of it per week. its clean.

to combat the washing and picking, watari will insist on putting lotion on L's hands and then making him wear cotton gloves. L resists at first until he realizes this is Genius-- 1, he doesn't have to wash his hands if he never touches anything with his bare skin and 2, putting on lotion and then putting on the gloves is a little bad sensory-wise, but it ensures that his skin gets rehydrated and moisturized which means no more pain and no more picking

the only compromise L makes with the cotton gloves is that it has to be a fresh pair every time. he will not wear the same gloves once he's used them once.

he believes in luck and his intrusive thoughts make him. do things that will apparently "bring him good luck" or "avoid giving him bad luck" but these are private thoughts of his so no one can rlly. prove to him they don't work or argue with him (magical thinking)

L is autistic and counts his steps whether or not he’s enacting compulsions. he loves the number 7 because it’s lucky and often just recites 1234567 in his head, but it turns into a compulsion when he gets anxious. “if i dont count out loud RIGHT now something bad is going to happen to me/my brothers/watari”

of course, once L starts. interacting w people that don't just stay in one building all the time, germs and stuff naturally will be present when these ppl come in to work w him. L makes watari spray them w disinfectant.

if he Does get sick, he would rather die than admit it, because if he admits he got sick he thinks he will be forced to go to the hospital. watari has explained to him a thousand times that he would never force L to go to the hospital over a flu, cold, or stomach virus, but L doesn't believe him.

L also resists taking medicine when he isn't feeling well because "how long have these been sitting in the bottle with the safety seal removed? they've been exposed to the air. that's disgusting". a lil headcanon of mine about his childhood would be that his mom never restocked the medicine cabinet so everything was always expired. L will refuse to take medicine until it expires and then joyfully throw them out.

L's compulsion to pick his hands turned into a compulsion to pick his face and whoops! now he has dermatillomania and trichotillomania.

he has a special face washing routine. he uses special products for his skin type (he has an oily T-zone but his cheeks are dry) and if he doesn't do this routine every morning and night, he picks his face. and his eyebrows. watari knows if L is failing to practice self care re:hygiene because L will have no eyebrows and red welts on his face from picking.

L: am i stacking my food right now because i think its neat (autism) or because i have to (ocd)? we will never know

#death note #death note 2015 tv drama #l lawliet #headcanons

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