#i have been conditioned. again. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mainfaggot · 8 months

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Guys I have a confession to make.

#riizes stupid siren song is catchy...#i have been conditioned. again.#kpop disease is ruining me actually..#like the SIREEEEWN part still sounds stupid and like. um. 127 knock off-ish if nct did not slay #but the rest of the song is lowkey fun idk idk ...#i wont be stanning tho bc this group just feels like . hm. inauthentic in every way possible #idk the entertainment industry is never authentic anyway but like the group feels sooooo shiny and packaged and like. same vibe as #every recent 4thgen group #z.post

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astralpenguin · 1 year

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self care is writing a fic that you’re literally the sole target audience for

#nobody was asking for a spn pmmm crossover fic focusing on claire at 14 #who by this point has already been manipulated into agreeing to something without knowing all the terms and conditions first #and it was awful and the worst day of her life #so when kyubey approaches her she doesn't go for it #but the people around her do and so claire gets to watch people she loves die horribly AGAIN #like there is nothing in spn canon that contradicts any of this #but literally nobody is wanting a fic like this to exist #nobody except for me #so i guess i have to do everything myself around here #el talks

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weirdprophetess · 1 year

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its been eight months and im still just in awe of dance fever. florence calls herself mommy in one song and demon daddy in another. in the same song she calls herself mommy she makes fun of asshole dudes who project their mommy issues onto women. in the first song shes no mother shes no bride she is king. shes a girlboss shes a war criminal shes a lunatic. shes the next virgin mary and shes never going to die. she drinks blood she cant get off the bathroom floor she has more catholic taste than the devil shes gilded and golden and shes your girl. she doesnt know where to put her love she just keeps spinning and shes going to dance herself to death. shes blown apart her life for you her bodys hit the floor for you she cant see you she cant hear you everything she thought she knew has fallen out of view. gods gonna be sorry he messed with her if she can stop crying into cereal at midnight. she practices resurrection every night shell open her mouth yes shell take it all is she quiet enough for you yet. shes always running from something shes back in town she wants the rats to spin around her feet with you.

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posletsvet · 8 months

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When Geto goes searching through the Time Vessel Association's facilities one by one, who or what is he looking for, exactly?

He knows Satoru is dead. Riko, too. I can't possibly imagine what it could've been like -- to come back to your senses and be hit with this realisation all over again. What thoughts raced through his head as he traced his steps back to where he'd left Satoru? As he approached that site of slaughter which Satoru's promise had become, how did he prepare himself to see his best friend's corpse? And then he saw nothing but the clearing torn through the ground like a ragged wound in Gojo's frantic attempt to keep the enemy in sight, buildings adjacent to the main shrine ripped out by their foundations and blown to smithereens. A splatter of sickening crimson where Toji landed his final blow. A few bug-like fly-heads still lingering. No bodies left.

How could Suguru make sense of Gojo's body disappearing along with Riko's? Did he think of his closest friend's corpse getting sold on the black market as an honorary prize and feel his nerves clench close with desperation and anger? Did he make peace with never being able to mourn Satoru properly, or was it a thought thrumming in his head like blood in his temples? Was that what he feared to reveal while rummaging through the Star Cult's scattered buildings?

And what if it was an imperative from Jujutsu High?

For Shoko to be able to patch Geto up, he must have made his way back to the college after his confrontation with Toji. And I can hardly imagine Suguru, being as deligent and rule-abiding as he was, not reporting the failed mission -- and Satoru's (presumable) death, too. And as we know, in order to prevent a sorcerer from turning into a curse after death, they should be eliminated using cursed energy. And Gojo was killed by Toji, who, bound by Heavenly Restriction, had no cursed energy.

Does this mean that immediately after being healed by Shoko Geto got sent on a mission to confirm the state of Gojo's body and potentially deal with the consequencies of him turning into a curse? Judging by immense amounts of cursed energy that Gojo holds, the curse born after his death would be extremely powerful, with Geto likely being the only one on par with it as the other half of the strongest duo. It's only natural that in case of something like that occuring Suguru would be the one to be sent to deal with it. Even if that means purging a curse once known as his best friend.

So Suguru asking 'Is it really you, Satoru?' is not him taken aback by Gojo being alive (well, this, too, but I'd argue that a different reaction would be better fit to express this sort of disbelief), but rather him inquiring about the nature of his friend's resumed existence after he was announced dead by Toji: 'Is it you as I know you? Or is it a cursed apparition that came into being with your death?'

#jujutsu kaisen #should i tag this as a theory?#jjk theory #jjk meta #gojo satoru #geto suguru #satosugu #shoko ieiri #riko amanai #toji fushiguro #it's painful to think about the prospect of both of them experiencing the fear of not being able to mourn their loved one properly #and instead be expected to deal with what they have become after death #i also think how receiving the news that satoru is dead from geto must have felt like for shoko #having one of her friends in front of her bleeding out in such terrible condition #and hearing that the other one is gone #and then she's left behind at jujutsu high because she's never sent out to dangerous missions #what a struggle it must have been to take up her now ever-present cynical attitude and accept that all she could do is the dirty work #of patching up her fellow sorcerers just so they could be assigned new missions #and get hurt and wounded over and over again #it's genuinely terrifying #and i also cannot stop thinking about how jujutsu high was just a walking distance away from the tombs of the star corridor #and still no soul was there to meet gojo and geto and kuroi with riko #the potential backup was so close #and yet all that happened still happened #it's driving me insane #and also i think the reason why geto drained himself so much by trying to carry out his duty with missions so meticulously #was partly because who could not allow himself to cut slack and relax after what happened during spvi where they absent-mindedly #indulged themselves with having fun #they were kids they were just kids no one should go through such horrors without support #let alone someone their age

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sapphire-weapon · 1 year

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I’m about to vomit out a bunch of thoughts, and I’m not sure any of this is going to make sense by the end, but. I’ve been thinking a LOT about these three lines in RE4make:

“You haven’t changed. You just think you have.”

“You can’t save her. You can’t save anyone.”

“This time, it has to be different...”

I’ve seen people focus in on that Krauser line and tie it directly back to Sherry, which is cool! Even as recently as five years ago, people completely glossed over Sherry’s impact on Leon’s life, and it’s cool that the remakes have had people digging into his character and realizing “oh shit, literally everything that happens to him after RE2 is because of his paternal love for Sherry.”

But... Krauser’s line is about more than just her.

With the remake turning Krauser into Leon’s combat trainer, chances are he knows about everything that happened in Raccoon City. And I don’t mean, like. He read a government file. Leon probably told him.

In OG, Krauser and Leon have this exchange of dialogue:

Krauser: “What is it that you fight for, comrade?” Leon: “My past, I suppose.” Krauser: “Hmph. Umbrella.”

It was axed completely from the remake, because it doesn’t make sense for it to happen in the remake. If Krauser was Leon’s trainer, that question was probably asked very early in their relationship. And since they weren’t currently in a fight to the death, and because they weren’t already six years removed from Raccoon City, chances are, Leon’s answer was a bit more involved than just “my past.”

So, let’s back up a little bit. In RE2make, they basically turned Kendo into a completely different character. OG Kendo was literally just there to point a shotgun at Leon and/or Claire and then go “oh my bad you’re not a zombie” and hook them up with some guns before he gets eaten. In RE2make, he’s a desperate and terrified father just trying to spend his last few moments with his infected 6 or 7 year old daughter before she turns. After he shuts the door on Leon and Ada, Leon turns to Ada and says, “Protecting people like that is why I joined the force.”

But Leon doesn’t protect or save Kendo or his daughter. He doesn’t protect or save... anyone. Every single person that Leon comes into contact with and tries to save dies horrifically -- and some, he even has to kill, himself (Marvin Branaugh). The only people who make it out of Raccoon City alive are people who saved themselves (Claire and Ada).

Of course, there is Sherry. But Leon didn’t save Sherry; Claire did. ESPECIALLY in remake canon, since nearly all of Leon’s scenes with Sherry got severely shortened or removed completely in RE2make.

But then, when Claire entrusts Sherry to Leon’s care (on his own insistence, per her RE3 epilogue), he goes and fucks that up, too. Gets her kidnapped and held hostage indefinitely by the federal government, and the only thing he can do about it is do exactly as they say and just hope they keep their end of the bargain and not hurt her.

So, when Krauser says “You can’t save anyone,” he means anyone. Ever. And even up to that point in RE4... Leon got the two officers who drove him into town killed, and he watched Luis die a slow, agonizing death right in front of him. And then, past that point, Leon has to kill Krauser with his own hands. Then he watches Mike die.

Ashley is literally Leon’s first and only success story, up to this point in canon. (And even when you go all the way up to current-day canon, Ashley is one of... three? People? I can think of? Total? Who Leon actually saves?)

So, Leon saying, “This time, it has to be different,” he doesn’t just mean Sherry. He means Ada. He means Kendo. He means Marvin. He means the entirety of Raccoon City. He’s staring down a repeat of what happened back then, not in terms of the bioterror situation, but in terms of his own personal failures. His survivor’s guilt. He can’t handle the thought that he’ll be the only person to walk away again -- and he refuses to be.

And that’s why Ada’s line bothers me so fucking much.

I mean, first of all -- Ada, you haven’t seen this man in six years, and you’ve spent a total of like five minutes with him since meeting up with him again here, so how the fuck would you even know -- but even aside from that...

To be clear: she’s right.

But she’s also wrong.

Leon has changed -- to an extent. In RE2 (OG or remake), Leon honestly believed that if it was lawful, then it was also morally right. He doesn’t believe that anymore. There’s no more “letting the law sort it out” or trusting in the power of authority for him anymore. His moral compass has been boiled down to: “If you hurt or murder innocent people, you’re a fucking asshole, and I don’t really care who you are, I’ll kill you myself.”

RE2 Leon was willing to hear people out and give them an honest benefit of the doubt -- even Annette Birkin. RE4 Leon just tells people to shut the fuck up before opening fire.

RE2 Leon was honest and trusting to a fault, and he felt stronger as part of a team. RE4 Leon is suspicious almost to the point of paranoia, and he just wants to be left the fuck alone to do his job.

These are all things that were really important to who Leon was in Raccoon City, and they’re reasons why things turned out the way they did for him, back then.

But at the same time, Ada’s right in saying that, at the core of it all, Leon is still that kind-hearted, decent guy who just wants the good guys to win and the bad guys to lose. That’s why it hits him somewhere sensitive when Krauser says: “You can’t save anyone.”

It’s just that, now, the way he approaches it is different. His outlook on life in terms of his goals is different. His expectations for it have changed.

So, if Leon had been smarter/wittier, he absolutely could have turned it around on her and said: “No, I’ve definitely changed. You just think I haven’t.”

And not only would that sound threatening as fuck, he’d also be right. They both would be, at that point.

And for all of those major parts of him to have changed and still be facing down the possibility of failing every single person he comes across, especially Ashley...

"This time, it has to be different.”

And this time, it was.

#resident evil 4 #leon kennedy #meta analysis #and it WOULDN'T have been different if leon hadn't changed #could you imagine how RE4 would've ended if leon was still his RE2 self and tried to apprehend krauser instead of killing him #or like give him a second chance #like 'i beat you now you can repent'#fucking LUL #that's how you fucking die comrade #unfortunately leon succeeding in RE4 also taught him to emotionally close himself off and push everyone away #classical conditioning and all that #but that's a separate post for a separate time #if they ever remake RE6 watch me clown honk my way through leon and sherry's fucked up relationship #claire goes to see sherry regularly and leon admits out loud he hasn't even spoken to her in at least 3 years #and then chokes up with tears when he finally sees her again #smfh he's so fucking stupid #leon if you can't cope with your trauma properly then just shut up and keep drinking god i can't stand you #one day i'll also write a big post about leon's suicidal ideation #today is not that day #but one day

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aro-culture-is · 11 months

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quick note - this blog is gonna be sparse again for at least this week. trying new medications and tbh initial side effects are not super pleasant + actual effects build up. as a result: currently as if unmedicated for mental health, with anxiety+ side effect, extra fatigue, dizziness, and fatigue. it's uh, sure something.

totally recognize that most of y'all know we're absent at times due to health things, just wanted to give a heads up that this one is at least anticipated.

#fun fact sometimes condensing meds just means poorer treatment of some conditions #this is a re-expansion + new thing #so that instead of poorly treating my mental health and using an unusually high dose SNRI for another (physical) condition #i will hopefully both be in less pain AND not depressed af AND also have an appetite again #i doubt i will be lucky and not have a fucked stomach due to meds but one can hope that an appetite will allow me to eat foods that upset #my stomach a lot less #my health is forever a massive balancing act #every time a medical thing is like 'so what meds do u take' i'm like here i wrote it down for u #and they're like 'oh. ooookay. let me just...' *five minutes of typing and clicking later*#'so! what did you come in for again? uhuh. you said you experience pain daily? with your chronic pain thing? hm. have you tried yoga?'#/gen #like. straight up every time i say 'i am in pain all the time due to fibromyalgia' they are like 'ooh studies say regular exercise helps'#and like. theoretically yes! but also. i would be lying if i said the fibromyalgia studies i've skimmed don't set off general 'bad science'#alarm bells in my brain #like... cool you performed a fibromyalgia study with... all male lab rats? mhmm? so are you aware fibromyalgia appears to occur #overwhelmingly in women? like. data seems to suggest between 70-85%?#(not that the data can't still indicate things but it certainly makes male rats a poor choice of model for tests on it)#also just... idk i've looked at some metaanalysis and been like 'okay cool theory and for all i know about human bio or bio in general that #sounds more or less correct BUT. you never discussed that one study on this subject that did NOT support your conclusion.#and that's 1) interesting when it was the most diverse group of subjects and the exceptions often teach just as much as the 'rule'#2) just shitty science. tell me how your theory is still credible when some evidence doesn't fit the model.#like... 'given that all other studies were primarily conducted on white american women in their 30s to 40s it is possible that this model #only explains (the early effects of fibro since that's a typical onset period) / (a possible genetic link primarily found in white women) /#(a possible sign of bias in diagnosis that demonstrates the possibility that there are different causes) / combinations of all of those #like... idk a paper that just throws out things that don't support it is a pretty big red flag #it doesn't mean the conclusion is entirely incorrect but it is often important to understand the context in which it applies #like... it's very easy to jump to an incorrect conclusion if you used something in the wrong context #ie: thumbs up is a good job / positive thing in a lot of western civilizations. teenage kee once went to china and discovered it to be #neutral to offensive in many areas outside of major tourist locations that were used to it #anyways i gotta sleep

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sergle · 8 months

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Your hair is so gorgeous. Do you dye it yourself? If so, what product do you use?

ohohoho thank you!!! I do dye it myself, red dye really is a forgiving beast, so I've tried several diff products since I started being a redhead, and they've all yielded slightly different (but all good) colors. Overtone's "red for brown" for expensive conditioning dye that yields very pigmented, deep red results, L'oreal Paris "copper crave" for cheap and definitely poisonous box dye that nonetheless delivers extremely vibrant ginger results, Arctic Fox's "ginger flare" and a bunch of diff Manic Panic shades of red and orange for cheaper conditioning dye that, while not very powerful color deposits, still do the job.

#every now and again I like to fuck myself up with that box dye. every couple years or so #but generally I'll do one of the conditioning dyes. the ones that ruin my shower #red for brown used to be my goto but lately I've been wanting warm? instead of cool #and so ginger instead of red-red has been the schmove #the arctic fox one was one I JUST tried and I really like it #it's not *especially* pigmented and it freakishly smells exactly like artificial grape. but that's the color I have on Right now.#sergle answers

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todayisafridaynight · 2 months

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everyday i constantly think of masato's wheelchair and if that's his only one/main one no wonder he's so pissed at everyone

#snap chats #someone pointed this out to me like last year so im stealing it sorry cause I Think Of It Constantly #the handling of masato's disability will forever annoy me esp with how vague it is but esp his chair #one day ill draw masato with an appropriate wheelchair. maybe then he'll be happy for once #in a way i guess it could tie into how restricted or trapped he felt since the type of chair he's shown is more like. a hospital one #and not one youd really use as a regular user- like in that vein it is a bit of storytelling in that he can ONLY go out with help #since hospital chairs are SO much different from home chairs ESPECIALLY in regards to mobility and independence the user has #AND NOT TO MENTION HOW UNCOMFORTABLE THOSE CHAIRS ARE get his ass a proper cushion P L E A S E #like it portrays the idea that its unfathomable for him to go anywhere on his own and so in that vein . Interesting Storytelling #theres a lot of implications going on here if im so honest and again it makes for Really Interesting Story Telling #however i refuse to give rgg credit like that when it comes to disabilities. ... they havent earned that from me yet #see this is why the vagueness of his condition annoys me because he's shown to be independent enough to roll himself to his elevator #and presumably get himself dressed but he cant have a proper chair ?#because ik there are people who have expressed they have conditions where even writing is tiring #so if his condition was in-line with that and it was hard for him to push himself in his chair then i could buy it #obviously the issue lies with his lungs but i just want to know the full extent yk...#to wrap this up tho ive been thinking of character design in rgg and how we dont give credit to it enough #sooooo if i make a second post ten minutes from now thats why cause i keep forgetting to spam my thoughts on here LMAO #ok bye

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b4kuch1n · 8 months

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dip pen ink comm batch 4 complete! for Ezechiel, @ohwwhuv, and Leo :]

#bakuspecial #commission art #the grayscale for these were done on a train with my laptop track pad fksdjhf it was! manageable! but not desirable condition #that was before I got my new current tablet too... thank you my old huion. you served me well. Im so sorry I chipped ur paint to shit #ngl the texture on the new one's better off the bat. the grip's better and it has good kinetic feedback #too bad abt the touch buttons tho... I was confident I could make use of them but alas #things need actual feelable buttons again please I can Not tell where anything is when Im drawing and cant look at the tablet #my eyes are on the screen!! Im bad at gauging distance!!! please give me buttons I can find in the dark. please #even the old huion which has actual buttons I still couldnt use them. bc theyre not raised #theyre flat to the tablet's surface. you know what I shouldve tacked raised stickers on them I was stupid there #well! the more u learn. the more u learn #I'm happy with the current tablet tho!! buttons stuff aside it's nice to draw on. and thats what important. wrists dont hurt no more #almost said ''I miss the wacom eraser end" I don't. not really. every time I used that thang I was like wow you are so imprecise and blunt #litcherally why would you want basically a mappable stylus end but it's 50 times the size of a normal nib and you cant see where ur drawing #especially on a screen tablet. the dynamic there makes absolutely no sense #I can really do the same thing now by mapping one of the stylus buttons to swap foreground color to transparency #anyways. this has been my testimonies on tablets. in the tags of a dip pen ink post lmao #well! this is a late post I shouldve posted this before art fight. thank u again to that anon who reminded me #have a good day lads! we can answer emails together. hands in professional hands

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rainbowpufflez · 1 month

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Fine, I’ll admit that I like Lysandre 😔

#queue the ‘we all know Bo’#I mean it was definitely obvious from the beginning #and I’ve somewhat said I do in a few posts #and considering the amount of times I’ve drawn him should’ve definitely given it away /lh #the funniest part about me liking him is that I actually straight up don’t #I just I think I hate him so vehemently and deeply that I’ve 180 back to liking him #LIKE WHY ARE U PREOCCUPYING MY BRAIN #LIKE GET OUT OR LIKE PAY ME U FUCKING ASSHOLE #literally I can’t stress enough how unlikable he is #and then I see him and I get locked in #I cringe literally everytime I talk to him #maybe it was cause his ass has been haunting me for the past few months #I GOT SOCIALLY CONDITIONED /hj #like he makes my blood boil sm #when I pointed out that he holds himself like he’s insecure on Pasio to my friend and they went #‘someone who doesn’t like a character wouldn’t have noticed that’#or when they pulled the ‘true hate is indifference’ on me 😭#I mean I have always said I have to hate a character before I start liking them #so yeah I’m still gonna be really fucking mean to Orange Peel but unfortunately it means I actually like him #the most insufferable man in all Kalos and I’m still like ‘guess I better draw him again/think about him 24/7’#WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME #I HOPE U KNOW IM STILL KILLING HIM FOR ALL THE BS HE PULLS THO #rainbowpufflez rambles

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bottombaron · 6 months

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psst hey baby gays

attributing power dynamics to top/bottom positions when advocating the validity and equality of queer ships to hetero people who have no understanding of it and probably already view queer sexuality as something k-inky and imbalanced compared to hetero sexuality…

you’re being a part of the problem

#wwdits #what we do in the shadows #nandermo #queer ships #no it doesn’t change anything who penetrates and who gets penetrated #that's not how this works #i…i can’t believe i have to explain this #i literally hate talking abt this it’s the least fun thing about my favorite subject #explaining bottoming to the baby gays like sheesh #hets already attribute harmful gender stereotypes #maybe don’t equip them with inaccurate and harmful stereotypes abt the top being the ‘aggressor’#and has ‘the power’ in the relationship #this is literally how you get bottom phobic people #people who can’t just enjoy the act for what it is and the pleasure it gives them #b/c they’ve been conditioned to think of it as an act of subservience #ok i never want to talk abt this again thx

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poibynt · 6 months

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The GNCness of hiccup horrendous haddock the III can be so personal actually. Yeah that preteen is a mother what of it.

#HTTYD books #I JUST FINISHED 10 AGAIN #& ITS ABOUT OLD HICCUP REFERRING TO HIMSELF AS A MOTHER IN RELATION TO YOUNG HICCUP #& HICCUP RELATING TO STOICKS PARENTING RANT BC HES BEEN SINGLE MOTHERING A FLAMMABLE TODDLER FOR YEARS #& HICCUP TELLING EGGINGGARD SHE HAS A MOTHER WHO LOVES HER OUT THERE & DOING UP HER BEAR SUIT CORRECTLY #& YOU WERE LIKE A MOTHER AND A FATHER TO ME??????!????#ALL IN THE CONTEXT OF A STORY ABOUT A GUY WHO DOESNT FIT GENDERNORMS SLOWLY BECOMING ACCEPTED AND CELEBRATED AS HE IS #LIKE????? HOW WAS I NOT GOING TO TURN OUT TRANS IN THESE CONDITIONS GROWING UP ON A STEADY DIET OF HTTYD??#the thoughts I have about gender and how it’s played with and subverted in this series man #y’all don’t even know #not sw #shut up Flynn #transd my gender

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ante--meridiem · 2 months

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Well. Potentially inadvisable message I sent a few days ago not really expecting a reply to did, in fact, get a reply.

#personal #for those with enough knowledge of blog lore to know what I'm talking about here:#I caved and messaged First Ex/Former Closest Friend again #out of a mixture of the fact that I keep circling back to that friendship breakup on an approximately monthly basis that I knew #I'd never be able to really let it go unless I at least tried once #and the confidence from my knowledge of him that if our positions were reversed *he* would have tried #in any case. He's not sure if we'll succeed in being friends again but he *is* willing to talk #on the condition (which I offered in my initial message) of me not telling any of the people we mutually know #that he ended up having issues with #that we are speaking with #& there is (unsurprisingly since there was clearly a lot missing from the stories I'd gotten) more to said issues than I'd heard about #which it sounds like he's going to elaborate on when we talk #I think the biggest difficulty for me in re-establishing contact like this is going to be accepting that he and my mother #outright despise each other now #which. l mean - I'd never claim she's perfect #she can be very blunt in a way that comes off as just *mean* and hurtful and I've been hurt by that too #but she's also been a much better parent to me than most people's parents seem to be to them #it's possible maybe even likely that if some of our arguments when I was younger had ended in us cutting ties rather than #eventually talking it through that I would see her the same way Former Closest Friend does #but they didn't and she's been at certain points amazingly supportive since #so it's likely I'm going to have a hard time reconciling the version of her he's going to present to me with that #even though I'm totally open to believing that he's justified in how he feels about whatever happened #& I'm not going to be able to process it out loud irl bc that would violate the 'not telling people involved about this' clause #so there may be a lot of venty personal tumblr posts coming soon to a blog near you

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famewolf · 26 days

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speaking of ocd, I think I'm realizing that I truly don't have anxiety and it's literally just my ocd. im not anxious about anything until it involves me and suddenly I'm spiraling

#[static]#it's hard to describe succinctly but the anxiety I deal with nowadays is directly related to my ocd and autism #some anxiety is so easy to brush off but the ones stemming from my ocd are extremely difficult to get out from under #i'll spiral for weeks about one specific thing and ruminate on it and mentally worry and pick at it forever #it's utterly exhausting jfkdghdf some days are easier than others #and often that one thing I ruminate on becomes multiple things all stemming from the first thing #like recently it's been my car ... the thing is totally fine ... runs fine drives fine but ive been freaked out by it for the last 3 weeks #every time i go into the shop theyre like ... everything is good in fact its in good condition for its age and they'll mention like #one thing that will need to be replaced to keep it in tip top condition and then my brain will fixate on it and imagine all the ways #something horrific will happen if that doesnt get changed and then that leads to all the other things in the car suddenly freaking me out #i defs used to have general anxiety and depression but those went away literally the day i got top surgery #poof instantly gone it was wild and i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop #never did but now my ocd has been really bad the last 6 months cuz of all the extra horrifying things going on #so i thought it was just my anxiety coming back but this week i realized it was my ocd and have been treating it accordingly #and ive seen some relief but i definitely need to go back to therapy once i get my insurance again #its the only way to get a hold on it and my last therapist ended up moving states so we didnt get to work on tools for it very much #im yapping at this point i just needed to vent for a second about how truly yucky ocd makes me feel

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matchandelure · 28 days

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i fear that the undercover top secret government assassins are growing on me (cp9)

#I HAD ZERO THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM AT FIRST #IN FACT I WAS DEVASTATED THAT THE WATER 7 QUARTET WERE ACTUALLY CP9 #BUT THEN??????? I READ CP9'S INDEPENDENT REPORT AND. I!?!??!?@?!?#the thoughts are endless ive been having one piece dreams every night for the past few days and they have all been cp9 related the brainrot #is so bad. i am sodgjkadhg #i love one piece there are so many characters with each new arc i get to i get some new characters to obsess over i love it i feel so alive #ive been fighting tooth and nail avoiding spoilers for the latest episode BUT GOD IM SO SO TEMPTED TO. TAKE A PEEK #anyways last night i was once again doing a wiki deep dive and i found some silly things on cp9's pages #JABRA AND LUCCI ARE THE SAME HEIGHT!!!!! THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY #CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!?! the kid you've had beef with since he was 13 (maybe even earlier since lucci alreayd knew him when he was 6) who you #used to have a whole head over is now at eye level with you i would actually be so embarrased #KAKU IS FROM EAST BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS OS IMPORTANT ACTUALLY!! THE MOST IMPORATNT FACT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!#so he knows the strawhats are...also from the east blue right?!? right??????! and ik the wg steals these kids early on to train them so i #doubt he has lingering attachments to his home sea but i still think this so both so so sad and so important :'((#also not getting over how oda's depiction of tiny kaku has him holding a toy boat BC ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?! ARE YOU K IDDING ME #kalifa and jabra's favourite dishes are both lamb based!!!!!!!!! silly because her animal motif is a sheep haha #BUT ALSO considering how her father was also cp9 and she's probably been conditioned since birth to also follow his footsteps and how jabra #holds seniority in the current lineup id like to think that these two have known each other a very long time and there were influences #the most dysfunctional fcked up family ever. cp9 #blueno and jabra are both from the north blue!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that one falshbakc we see that the two of them plus 6year old lucci trained #together but also it would be so fcked up if the two actually knew of each other before being roped into the governemnt #idk how the wg works do they just??? routinely scout around and pick up a bunch of kids ata time???? were jabra and blueno taken together??#also wondering if ... kalifa jabra and kumadori knew each other the longest as fellow agents or soemthing #i feel like im entertaining a gazillion thoughts all at once its so hard ot balance but we know both kalifa nad kumadori have #parents in the governemnt/assassin profession that also influenced them right #idk maybe one thing they can bond over #cp9 to me is just a fucked up family of some sort. they are not found family they are like some weird forged family where they were all #forced together and somehow made it work and they all love lucci and care for his wellbeing enough to raise all that money to get him to a #doctor and they cared about each other enough to get off enies lobby together without leaving anyone behind and they went cafe hopping and #shopping and bowling together and they all care for each other in their own way

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lemongogo · 1 year

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vash w this hairstyle is literally so cute.. .. wolfwood matchies or smt T__T

#litearlly dont talk 2 me i saw the knives panel again and smashed everuthing inmy room and set myself on fire #am i wrong 4 thinking that he shouldve had a little more time.am i wrong for thinking this guy.having lived in terrible fear #his whole life 4 what he thought could happen 2 him. to his brother. DID happen 2 his sister #should be able 2 experience some happiness and comfort for once #like yeah the guy killed hundreds of thousands SUREE ok.AND??? let the guy breathe a little #BAHAHA no i think i do still agree w the ultimate ending of him using the last of his energy 2 generate that apple tree #its sweet and i do like the sentiment it was just. Too.soon after it was literally right after #and im like coughing and hacking and wishing.that he and vash couldve spent those few months living (somewhat) peacefully #and secluded.before everything that happened #i guess there is a bittersweet tinge to knives dying before vash woke up / could say gbye but idk.i just grieve 4 this guy #even if a clean redemption isnt like #feasible in a sense U KNOW!!!!!!! but then again i dont think. satisfying endings have to be clean cut and perfect #like he doesnt have to be redeemed i think. not everyone needs Redemption as it exists in its current form #&& i do think that even after all he did.comma.he wasnt entirely wrong?like you cant rly blame him 4 rejecting coexistence #based on the way plants have historically been treated (assuming he also telepathized with exploited plants after the great fall)#though not to say that his decisions/methodology is right ykwim #and i know yeaa yeaa there was a lot of hypocrisy in how he used the other plants 2 amass power #ok this is literally getting too convoluted there r so many conditional aspects to this but long story short i do thnk he deserved.#a little something at the end;______; even if just 4 me to see art of them together post-final arc .#< me dragging my knuckles in the sand w open wounds or smth #sry vash post turned into knives sadblogging EHAHEHA but its like the nature of this^ guys life anyways LMAO #trigun spoilers #trigun maximum #trigun #vash

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