#so i guess i have to do everything myself around here

[our-lesboy-experience]

hiii!!! so uh, this is sorta about 'contradicting' (?) identities in general, but i only recently found out about, like, lesboys and gaygirls and all of that, but what is it exactly? like how does it work? or is that weird to ask? i'm trying figuring myself out but a lot of stuff i've seen doesn't exactly... explain it (or explain it well), and while i guess i do get why, it's just kinda hard to understand it myself for my own identity

also, probably a question you get a lot in a hating way, but isn't the definition of lesbian nonman loving nonman? so then how does lesboy work? like is it for people with more complicated gender identites, like fluctuating genders and bigender? just genuinly confused, my apologies...

sorry for not getting to this sooner- been busier lately and didn't have the time to collect everything I needed to respond!

About what it exactly means to be a lesboy or a gaygirl ('turigirl' is the more common term, 'turi' meaning turian, another word for gay attraction to men. so I'll be referring to it as that from now on), there isn't exactly....one right way to call yourself such. it really depends on the person, but I can give you a basic definition and a list of common reasons someone may call themselves such

im gonna put a read more because this ended up being super long so sorry

lesboy is a term for any lesbian who may have a connection to manhood and/or masculinity. turigirl is just the opposite of that, a gay person (mlm/nblm) who may have a connection to womanhood and/or femininity. common reasons I've seen are:

being multigender or genderfluid

being cusper/in between trans and cis gnc (in between trans man and cis gnc woman, in between trans woman and cis gnc man)

being a system who uses lesboy/turigirl as a collective identity or when identities blur together

a person who uses man/boy or woman/girl as a means of masculine or feminine gender expression but not actually identifying as such

being a trans man/ftm or a trans woman/mtf who still identifies as lesbian or gay for personal reasons

those are far from all the reasons, everyone has their own unique experiences, but the gist is these people may have some sort of connection to manhood/womanhood while still having a queer attraction. personally, I'm multigender, genderfluid, and transmasc. lesboy I find is a nice label to express being both my bigender self and being a lesbian, as it forces people to acknowledge both without separating the two. it's cute and makes me feel validated!

as for "nonman attracted to nonmen" definition of lesbian......it has its issues. it's received criticism all around from all sorts of lesbians in the community. this definition is very new - it emerged only in the recent years, and someone on twitter had date searched it and found it didn't even really exist before 2019. and having that as the one and only official definition that every lesbian has to abide by, when lesbian is a centuries old word with so much history behind it, is a bit ignorant. people who are multiple genders or ftm or bi being lesbian is not even remotely new, going back decades upon decades, and it never stopped existing too. It's a bit weird to have a whole new definition that doesn't include all sorts of lesbians that have been here for so long and just tell them they're not welcomed anymore, right?

that's not even close to the only issue there is with it. it's been disliked for centering lack of attraction to men, or defining lesbian in relation to men, rather than who we're actually attracted to. putting nonbinary people in a new binary of either being "men or nonmen," which not all feel comfortable putting themselves into. especially when considering a definition of gay being "nonwomen attracted to nonwomen," man-woman bigender people are simultaneously excluded from being both lesbian or gay. It inherently overlaps with mspec identity ("attraction to nonmen, which is more than one gender" and "any orientation that involves attraction to more than one gender" kinda obviously overlap), despite people insisting that a lesbian can never be mspec. people have found multiple loopholes in it, (which I can elaborate on if someone wants me to, for the sake of trying to make this as short as possible), and lastly, and term "nonman" (and nonwoman) were found to have existed before to describe the degendering of black people in society. this isn't the only source I've seen for this, but sadly I can't exactly find it (or find it without going back to that hellsite called twitter and I'm not doing that to myself)

oh and as the link points out, defining lesbian by these words also ends up excluding a lot of two-spirit people from ever identifying as lesbian, myself included. which is also really racist. I don't know how you're gonna end up excluding a whole cultural gender that's common for indigenous americans to describe themselves with and try to prove it somehow isn't racist, to be honest

and lastly, some surveys/polls have shown that the definition isn't the most widely accepted by lesbians as people make it out to be. there's this simple poll that someone posted asking how lesbians felt about the definition that received 1,529 responses, and 61.1% of voters said they disliked it. comments gave lots of reasons I've stated already. there was another survey put out that received 211 responses that for any lesbian who had a genderqueer or unique relationship with gender, and one of the questions asking opinions on the "nonmen loving nonmen" as a definition. the average among the group was slightly negative (average 2.838), and reported that the group who tended to feel the most positively about it didn't consider themselves to be trans, with the other positive leaning group considered themselves to be somewhat cis. the group that felt the most negatively sometimes considered themselves to be trans. and of the multigender participants, the average opinion was 2.255 (more negative than the overall average). When concluding, the original poster stated, "When divided by gender, the only groups to feel positive about this definition were "not trans" and "somewhat cis" participants. Multigender participants felt especially negative about this definition"

all of this shows that this definition isn't nearly the best for everyone who considers themselves a lesbian. I know it's been a way to include nonbinary people who are lesbian in it's definition, but I think it really misunderstands why nonbinary people are included in lesbianism in the first place, and just assumes that all nonbinary people aren't men and fails to recognize that multigender/genderfluid people are nonbinary too. and it's not like lesbian has to only have on definition- it can definitely have multiple and depend on each person's experience with it. if someone personally defines them being lesbian around being a nonman attracted to nonmen, and takes pride in not being attracted to men, that's totally fine. what becomes a problem is forcing all lesbians to define themselves like this and make it the standard, or else they're "not real lesbians." it is ahistorical and ignorant to require this or else you'll strip them of their lesbian status, and is really at the end of the day, lesbophobic. especially as a requirement that primarily exists in online spaces. im sure the lesbian who is not at all connected to these circles doesn't particularly care about strict requirements or whether someone is a "nonman" or not. in conclusion, it is not the best nor most accepted definition of lesbian, and deciding which lesbians are valid or not based solely on that definition is pretty exclusionary and ends up policing a lot of lesbians, myself included

#lesboy #turigirl #lesbian #gay #multigender #genderfluid #mspec lesbian #asks #tw exclusionism #tw queerphobia #lesbophobia #I can definitely elaborate on some points if asked #I do have some thoughts I've never shared before

[kernyen-xo]

Here we go. It’s a long one.

My aunt is dying. Any day now, her son told the family. So, everyone flocked to see her, including mom, which entailed a 17-hour train ride from San Diego to Sacramento. My brother and I usually meet up in Bakersfield to deliver the momster because she refuses to fly and now refuses to take the train. Of course, doing the Bakersfield thing is a pain, especially if you’re not a morning person because I have to leave by 4:30 am to make sure I’m in Bakersfield by 10. Now, really, I’m glad for it in the end because I’m back home by 2:30-3p.

This time around, mom had to take the train because she was afraid her sister would die before she got to see her. So, mom was insistent she had to leave asap, which meant no Bakersfield trip since my brother and I had to work.

Easy-peasy.

That is, except this last weekend. Mom arrived Friday night near midnight (17-hour train ride, remember?). The next day we see Auntie Sally. That night, I go to the birthday celebration for me, the kid, and grandkid. Mom didn’t want to go.

Anyway.

I assumed my brother and I would meet up in Bakersfield the following weekend, which is a-ok. I have plenty of time to rest and mentally rev myself for the trip, which is something I need to do. Otherwise, without this precious time, I don’t handle it well.

Guess what? Mom wants to leave the next day. I’m like, wait, what? But, I just say ok and quietly freak out inside. This really changes everything. I tell my granddaughter, who is staying the weekend with me to shower at night, that all she has to do is roll out of bed the next am and get in the car where she can sleep.

Easy-peasy, right?

Except, when we arrive in Bakersfield, my brother is not at our meeting place. He’s always there first - always. The guy is an extreme morning person, up every day by 4am. In fact, I thought it was weird that he didn’t call once asking me for an update of my progress.

Long story short. I know, too late.

He thought the mom delivery wasn’t taking place until the following weekend. I was thinking, ok, we’ll head back home and try this again next weekend. But mom? No way. She refuses to go and suggests I leave her there to wait for my brother. Really? Like, I’d do that, and she knows I’d never do that.

So, after drinking a lot of beverages, shopping at WalMart and Nordstrom’s Rack, my brother arrives. He must have booked it because what’s usually almost a 5-6 hour drive, he made it in 3.

The grandkid and me were home by 6:30. I apologized to her for how the day went. She said, what a day! I agreed. We really didn’t get to spend quality time together. I was supposed to take her home that night, but I was so exhausted that I asked if the kid could take her instead, which she did.

The last-minute trip was hard on me. I remember the days when I could drive in a pinch no problem! Those days are gone. I missed work on Monday to recuperate. Ya, this old gal ain’t what she used to be.

And now, I need to get ready for work.

Thx for reading.

Have a good day :)

Toods!

#this has been a kernyen update #20240425

[astralpenguin]

self care is writing a fic that you’re literally the sole target audience for

#nobody was asking for a spn pmmm crossover fic focusing on claire at 14 #who by this point has already been manipulated into agreeing to something without knowing all the terms and conditions first #and it was awful and the worst day of her life #so when kyubey approaches her she doesn't go for it #but the people around her do and so claire gets to watch people she loves die horribly AGAIN #like there is nothing in spn canon that contradicts any of this #but literally nobody is wanting a fic like this to exist #nobody except for me #so i guess i have to do everything myself around here #el talks

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

the doctor isnt neurodivergent or autistic or adhd or nonbinary or genderqueer or asexual. what the doctor is, is Not From Here

#which necessarily of course says something abt their (non)whiteness #(i had all these words in quotation marks first so mentally add those to whiteness too) #but we've them be black for all of 1.5 episode now so #lets see how that develops you know #also i dont think i understand the politics of that part well enough to say much abt it #not that i probably understand the politics of these parts better but #im annoyed enough abt this Thing happening these years. in these 20s i guess. the 'representation' thing #to complain abt it anyway #the dsm isnt real and it isnt gonna fuck you buddy #maybe i'll read some books and then one day i'll write an essay driven by spite and pettiness #i wonder if i can make the thesis statement about the tension between their status of main character #in a 60 year running family adventure show vs this therapy thing we're doing now #like. you cant do that. in terms of like. what story is and does. what a character is and does. it strains #in an interesting way. like im not saying they Shouldnt have done it. im just observing. that you cant do that really. i think #or maybe you can! but i'll find that out #i also dont know shit abt narratology or whatever so. need to read books first. sigh #always have to pause my thoughts to read myself in first its so annoying. esp bc i rarely really do #bc then new thoughts new things to do you cant do EVERYTHING. you can do almost nothing. bane of my existence really #but like you might even be able to say smth interesting here about whether you can call them traumatised at all #remember that article i saw around on tumblr a few years ago i think that was abt like. some scholar in the middle east maybe #saying that ptsd is a western thing bc it necessitates a Post #all of this is western. psychiatry is western. its all stories. how you conceptualise trauma is a story #whos Other is story #where youre from is a story what you stand for is a story who you are is a story #ah. checked the article. dr samah jabr. palestinian. i'll start with her book maybe

[robinbuckled]

me when i do my nightly check on the pjhazel tag on ao3 and the number of fics has actually gone down

#it’s so hard out here guys.. please.. #i guess i just have to do everything myself around here #pjhazel #bottoms movie #ao3 is linked in my carrd btw

[kohakhearts]

theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh

#taylor.txt #im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything #i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation #and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school #like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling #like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk #it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah #tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh #when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :( #anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students #noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh

[spokelseskladden]

no but actually, when I was like 16 I decided to get in deep with the cult, like fanatically deep. Donating my entire allowance and dedicating myself to biweekly bible study deep. Mainly because I had deluded myself into thinking that if only I could become a perfect jehovah’s witness, god would heal my crippling gender dysphoria by either taking pity on me and simply give me a dick and testosterone for the low price of my freedom and dignity, or alternatively taking it away all together and let me live my life blissfully as a cis woman for all eternity in paradise. The latter never sounded appealing to me, and I’m not going to pretend that the blatant sexism within the cult wasn’t a part of it at all, but even if you removed it, I still didn’t particularly care for having tits. I did realize that the former alternative probably wasn’t likely to happen in the end, and that’s probably one of the big reasons I never could admit to actually just being a guy, even though it was kinda obvious. Cause when you know you can’t ever have something, it’s easier to pretend you never wanted it in the first place, lol

#ex jw #isn't it funny that I even entertained the idea of fucking JEHOVAH giving me top surgery or some shit? #dude are you daft? the babykiller who hates the gays? You really think THAT GUY would support trans rights? #also. my OG mutuals probably remembers me sort of coming out as nonbinary back then‚ and i want you to know that I was not #practically everything I ever said about my gender back then wasn't real and I KNEW it wasn't real. I was just scared as fuck lol #cause I couldn't open that can of worms and then close it again. and like yeah. experimenting with gender can be great and important #but I wasn't experimenting‚ I knew it wasn't completely right from the moment I said it and idk. I want that out in the open I guess lol #funny thing is I kinda did that thing AGAIN not that far back when I was like oh yeah any pronouns goes :) oh no it's they/them achtually #oh now im he/they and oh I just want to define anything and blah blah blah #and I was sitting there and I just asked myself what the hell I was doing cause you're a grown ass man and you KNOW you're spewing bullshit #like i thought i would keep things ambigous but in hindsight. the url i had and having my other name in my bio was kinda stupid #in my defence i didn't think about my url and i still don't really mind my legal name so lol #but i realized i was just pussyfooting around everything and i'm tired of it so yeah! #anyway. look at me revealing my fucking lore here. i've gotten way off track and idk what i was trying to get to #if you read this far you get like. knowledge about me you probably didn't want #you're welcome i guess? idk lol #insert drive through meme or something

[clits-and-clips]

x

#txt #tw #dont read this and i may delete but i just need to say it #i do think about dying a lot #like i dont want to be here lol #people suck big time #everyone here is so nice and lovely and supportive #but you arent physically near me and i guess thats what i need #idk #and i cant just message randoms with all my personal shit all the time #unless i can? idk #the main reason i wont kms is cause my dad wouldnt be able to handle it hes lost too much #i think hed prolly follow suit #and i cant have that #plus other things like my pets etc #but what is the fucking point lol #i know eventually ill move on etc #but the world sucks man #it sucks #i have a good life but my brain sucks and i ruin everything and no one sticks around and i am just a fucked up friend and partner and i dont #see myself getting better #if i told my psych i think about this id get sent off and i think that would make me worse #i just want the future back that i thought i was going to have #that was ripped away from me without warning #no conversation #nothing #and he gets mad at me when i bring that up?????? #yeah its so fair you kicked me out etc but im the bad guy for airing my feelings #fuck everyone tbh haha #im just done

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about #but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were #and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat #as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like #a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain #it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot #i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds #i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh #political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore #they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get #but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk #i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers #here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now #it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths #i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how #burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that #i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up #could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan? #to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me #coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage #you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao #i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now #bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will #i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail #also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e #no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it #i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course #idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do #anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand #shai speaks

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

@allvalley100

Prompt: Breathing Room

Pairing: Hawkmetri

***

It’s beyond Demetri how he ended up slow-dancing with the boy he’s been in love with since age 8 at the senior prom. He keeps expecting someone to shake him awake.

He breathes in Eli’s cologne, trying to turn off the eternal worry and live the moment. Follow the same advice his prom date gave him what seems like an eternity ago.

Maybe they wouldn’t last through college. Maybe Eli could still change his mind.

All Demetri knows for certain is that a year ago—or ten—he’d have given everything for this.

It turned out he didn’t need to.

***

And I’d give up forever to touch you ‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life And sooner or later, it’s over I just don’t wanna miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me ‘Cause I don't think that they’d understand When everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am

#allvalley100 #hawk x demetri #demetri x eli #binary boyfriends #elimetri #hawkmeat #demetri x hawk #eli x demetri #demetri alexopoulos #demetri cobra kai #eli moskowitz #hawk #cobra kai #S4 didn't let them have a slow dance and a dramatic spinney kiss to Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls #so I guess I gotta do everything myself around here #also writing them something wholesome for once #because boy howdy do I need to do that more often lmfao #Canon already puts my poor little meow meows through enough and I just make it worse </3

[wrecking]

edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore

#d #my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is #i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i #cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things #and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness #and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person #instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo #and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me #that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now #and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just #processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others #and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik #there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig #which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think #idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like #what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is #just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like #i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it #like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess #not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others #this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head #i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore #which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it #i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust #and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on #maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

.

#why does my mother have to be so terribly difficult? the divorce affected her too ofc (it was her idea and her divorce. not mine.) #but she acts like i'm personally attacking her every time i even so much as mention my home state or talk about my dad #in a positive manner for too long. like? she acts like i'm okay with everything that turned out and that i'd just get used to all the #changes and immediately disregard my life before. when that is not the case at all. #nobody's a mind reader but just because i'm not saying anything doesn't mean i don't have feelings about it. it's on her for #expecting something of me she didn't even care to ask how i really feel about it. #she talks a lot about how harmful assumptions about others are but then turns around and assumes i'm peachy keen because i'm not #actively protesting. she takes everything i say and do personally. it's note even fucking funny. #and she says i'm sensitive. i've been a fucking champ about it for the most part bc she's a #pussy ass cheating lying skank who thinks she can gaslight and manipulate me into submitting to her. #i can't believe she fucking gets mad at me for wanting to cook my own separate meal but also expects me to want to know how to drive and #have my whole next 5 to 10 years all planned out. and heaven forbid i move out or even want to live with my dad (/s) #she says i'm so smart and above everyone else my age intellectually but then she treats me like a child!! she regularly insults my #emotional intelligence. i guess because i had to teach myself all that nitty-gritty that she doesn't know better. maybe. but it could be #presumed that when she says i'm soooo smart she's including my emotional maturity. she literally says i'm Smarter Than Her (!!!!) and #and i'll 'do amazing things' but also expects me to want to live with her until i'm thirty!!! #there's nothing wrong with living with your parents but there's no way in hell i'm staying any longer than i have to living with her. #if push comes to shove i have a couple friends i can go live with closer to home. #i literally fucking hate it here. help me. #personal #don't rb ig lol #parents tw #divorce tw #emotional abuse tw #/vent

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#I love my bestie and trust that he’s telling me the truth about a family emergency being the reason he’s cancelling our concert plans #but he flakes on me every single time we make plans together to do anything so it’s hard to be as understanding when there’s a pattern here #and after all the shit he’s told me his brother has done to him why are you still helping him?? I can’t relate to this whole idea of do #anything for family even if your family is trash and would never do the same for you #probably because I have family who is trash and would never do anything for me and I cut them off real quick when I was able #I do not believe in letting people stick around who do nothing but use you and hurt you #so I want to be sympathetic and understanding but couldn’t be me and can’t relate so I’m struggling #plus the constant flaking on me makes me less compassionate as well #I bought these concert tickets months in advance and he was supposed to pay for the hotel room for us to stay out after the show #and yeah he’ll pay me back which is nice but doesn’t really change the fact that I’m currently out that money and everything else #and if my partner or stepdad can’t come with me last minute like this then I’ll have to just sell the tickets back to Ticketmaster #because I really don’t want to go by myself since it’s my first concert and I’d feel awkward and uncomfortable being alone there #was already having trouble sleeping and now I got this fucking nonsense to deal with #guess it’s my own fault for making plans with someone I know never keeps them #personal

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

It never gets any fucking easier does it

#bitch bout to do smth very stupid here #i've kept my distance for what already feels like forever n i really thought by now i'd be. at least on the way to functioning on my own #i can ignore it when i'm doin ok but the pull never goes away it's always there #then i get low n i just. can't think of a reason to fight it anymore #i feel like i got sold just another lie. that if i just stay strong n don't go back then i'll start learning how to live w/o him but #did anyone actually tell me that? did i just lie to myself? he makes me feel awful most of the time but if i feel awful anyway then why not #sometimes it helps for a moment or two #that's if he even wants me around anyway. could you go either way #cause i'm sick n weak n suicidal just the way he likes me but also he might be too focused on doll to feel like playin w/ me rn #i feel like everyone told me it'd get easier but maybe they didn't. or maybe i'm doin smth wrong. #honestly it might be my fault he's gettin worse again in the first place cause maybe he was right n i just need a villain in my life #someone to blame when everything's too hard #i guess i wouldn't know what to do w/ myself if he really changed like we supposedly want him to so..... #i hate how i'm realizing he was right about more n more things all the fucking time #i can't do this on my own. i need someone to go to someone i can rely on someone to hold me #others in this system got someone who actually cares about em n what do i get? fucking val #i try not to go there cause it's not healthy but lately it's been hard to convince myself this life isn't a punishment #hell was too cozy so they put me here instead. i don't deserve to be looked after. i only deserve to be used #i don't know what exactly it was i did that was so awful but. i can't make sense of it any other way #so there must be something. this is just me gettin my due. #why else would i have been made like this? wired wrong for this world in so many ways always needin too much #so stop bitching n whining about it n just take it like a good boy #i'm still a good boy if i rly put myself into it right? #spdrvent