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#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do
autistic-shaiapouf
Β·
2 months
Text
Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about
#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were
#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat
#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like
#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain
#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot
#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds
#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh
#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore
#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get
#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk
#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers
#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now
#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths
#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how
#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that
#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up
#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?
#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me
#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage
#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao
#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now
#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will
#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail
#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e
#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it
#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course
#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do
#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand
#shai speaks
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