#i hate being scared I hate being anxious

[mxliv-oftheendless]

\m/

#i keep feeling this crippling anxiety that I am not going to pass this semester #i think it’s because I now have a job off campus that’s eating up time that in the past I’ve been able to use to do more work #because yeah I’ve always gotten worried about failing before… but now #now it feels even worse #i have three big papers to write #one of which is what me graduating with honors hinges on #several smaller assignments that I keep struggling to keep track of #club President things to do #and history club is a whole other thing because I keep worrying that I’m a terrible club president #yeah I’m not doing ok lol… #the worst thing though is that everyone I talk to keeps telling me I’ll be fine #because I’ve always worried about passing semesters and always did pass #so people say that because I’m smart and I’ve passed before that I’ll be okay #and at this point I wanna fucking scream because NO NO I DO NOT FEEL LIKE I’M DOING FINE #that only makes it worse because now on top of everything else I’m scared I won’t live up to everyone’s expectations #there have been moments this semester where I’ve seriously felt like I’m going insane #i fucking hate this #i hate being scared I hate being anxious #i just want everything to be over #because the end of the semester is in a month and a few weeks and the pressure keeps feeling increasingly worse #i had a meltdown during work last week like an actual ugly crying meltdown #fuck this fuck it all to hell #i wanna be done #ignore this please I don’t want advice and I don’t want to be told I’ll be okay I just need to vent #random thoughts are random

[chryblossomjjk]

...

#first therapy session went well ! #i didn't cry which is v surprising lol #maybe bc we didnt go too in depth about things but #therapist already picking up on things i didn't like #never really thought of myself as an anxious person #depression was more so what stuck out to me #but like therapist was like bestie... u sound more anxious than ur perceiving #like i put that i don't struggle with social anxiety bc generally in a group of people im pretty outgoing #but like my coping skills are isolation lol #and i often turn down invitations bc of my insecurities #and in general just hate being perceived despite wanting it #like i literally havent answered any asks on here in months bc #im afraid of what people think of me #and im scared of interaction #but im also dying for human connection lol :')) #i also avoid men completely bc trauma so yeah #and it all stems from a deep deep belief that i am not worthy of love n wOw im sad but like we can only go up from here right :')) #LMAO SORRY THAT THIS IS WHAT MY BLOG HAS BECOME BUT #idk this is my diary fr #anywho sorry for everything #will most likely delete all these rants bc its embarassing lol but #love you all #and im so sorry for not answering the asks #thank you for reading my fics #your comments mean sm to me truly #love you endlessly

[angel-of-sweet-revenge]

Bestie I'm pretty sure like half your problems would be solved if you just turned off the speakers

#lazytown #lazy town #robbie rotten #he both cant bear the sound and also clearly can't bear not being able to hear whats happening #... I'm starting to realise he may have some sort of anxiety or paranoia #you dont have periscopes and speakers all over town that are permanently unless you're scared something bad will happen and you wont know #at least i get anxious if I'm unable to hear my family and know exactly whats up while also hating the noise

[sherlock-is-ace]

the imposter syndrome i feel every time i even slightly think i might be autistic is insane, specially for a person who highly relates to the lived experiences of people who are professionally diagnosed.

Like I was just watching this one youtuber, and she was talking about very specific examples in her life and childhood where she saw autistic traits that made her realize she was autistic and then seek a diagnosis and then get one, and everything she was saying was like she was describing my life! But yeah no, I can't be autistic tho

#and one thing that has been filling me with dread (as if it was relevant lol) is the idea of seeking a diagnosis and #either not geting it because it's already so hard to find a diagnosis for '''''''women''''''' (afabs) #and that will make me doubt myself even more! but most importantly those around me who already don't believe me #but also i'm very scared about this one thing in particular which is the talking to your parents portion of the diagnosis #where the therapist will want to talk to people who knew me as a child... and that person will have to be my mom #and i'm pretty sure she will dismiss most signs. like she would either not bring them up because ''they're normal'' #or play them as less important than they were #or maybe she didn't even notice them! because most of my struggles are internal! #things like being bullied or having no friends or liking a routine #idk if she'll be able to talk about all those #because my bullying wasn't violent it was mostly dismissive #my ''friends'' weren't really friends like i didn't CARE for them as maybe someone would have #and also they would leave me for no reason at all out of the blue... so i don't think even THEY considered ME a friend #and liking routine i guess she could say i prefered it but she doesn't know to the extent i hated going off it #i'm sure she forgot about the time i cried (as a 10 year old so not THAT young) because they made us change classroom #and i didn't know that was gonna happen... it was added to the anxiety that i thought my mother wouldn't be able to find me #but like the unknown classroom traumatized me (to this day i get anxious just thinking about that) #like... all those things i don't think she would bring up (if she could even) and i fear that will make me not get a diagnosis #not that this is a thing that's gonna happen cause as i established i cannot afford a therapist nor i'll ever get a diagnosis i don't think #so like it's not relevant #but i am anxious about it nonetheless #angel talks #personal #idk what's my point with this post btw i'm just venting and creaming to the void #dkfjhgdfg

[pepprs]

i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god

#purrs #but there will never stop being any of those things so actually what i literally need is to learn HARD AND FAST how to stop getting so #fucking triggered over a situation i know is NOTHING so bad that im anxious for the entire rest of the day and can’t even get any work done. #like (jade from tesco voice) girls… im not gonna lie to you. i think therapy is not working. i think i am not mentally or emotionally strong #enough to work in this job and i think i am never going to get mentally or emotionally stronger. ive been stuck in the quicksand too long #and now im atrophying. i cannot develop the situational awareness and motor skills or awakeness (and i mean AWAKEness.) to safely and #consistently drive a car. i cannot develop the intellect and drive and courage to get an advanced degree or be in a leadership position that #everyone actually sees as a leadership position lmfao. and i cannot develop the emotional intelligence and inner peace to not get triggered #out of my fucking mind at work to the point where im having anxiety heart palpitations and fighting back tears. i am just stuck as i am #forever. and you know how i know that? BECAUSE IVE WORKED AT THE NATIONALLY RENOWNED CENTER FOR YOU-ARE-NOT-STUCK-AS-YOU-ARE-FOREVER FOR #FIVE FUCKING YEARS SINCE ITS LITERAL FOUNDING AND HELPED TO FOUND IT AND IM STILL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! i go back to square one EVERY #FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!! how am i supposed to tell other people who they are is what they bring and the world can change and whatever when i am #the fucking antithesis of that. when i don’t even believe my own words. like the way i want to punch out every window in this building rn i #HATE BEING LIKe this i hate being in the psychic prison of scared little girl mode all the time forever no matter what and being beyond help #and disappointing and burdening the people around me because i can’t be fucking normal about like. hierarchy and institutional politics LOL #delete later

[silenthillbunni]

🚬🧸🧃🎀

#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance #so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life #and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future #so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D #what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk) #i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it #i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months #then i'll start my other 4 classes in january #i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery) #(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..) #also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt #if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may #if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless #i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university???? #i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education #bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it #also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move #i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!! #but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try #i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?

[soul-spoken]

I vent or breakdown so often, I know I get told it's fine and talk when I need to but geez it feels so excessive, like I'm overly sensitive or just really really easily triggered over things that shouldn't even relate to my trauma

We come to solutions or we distract from it, or we cuddle, but it's just always there.

I can almost always feel the dumb anxiety or depression feelings, I don't want to

I wish my brain understood that

#im tired of only feeling safe when im overly babied and small. i know at this current time point certain traumas are still really fresh #and i need to let myself acknowledge that and relax and maybe be taken care of on a higher level but #i feel so clingy and embarrassed #and i really wish i wasn't still reminded of things from the past. i hate getting anxious over things from high school or college #that doesn't matter anymore #i don't wanna be so vulnerable and scared all the time #but i think i need to #i just want to be held. feel skin to skin. get kissed and called sweet names #i wanna feel his nails through my hair. hear that hushed voice he does when being soft. i wanna be closer #i wanna be safe and told its not scary. its not bad. instead of how we've been going about things.. #cant i just feel secluded and loved? feel protected and small #i wanna be told that my ptsd is a normal reaction and that i dont have to be like i was before. i can take a while to gather myself #to mourn and exist. to just.. be #be however my brain is needing to be in order to relax #i wanna be intimate and romantic and loving and gentle #i feel so guilty over these wants and needs #i wish i didn't have them. i wish i understood that its safe to have them. #i wish i was different #i wish i was me. but me before #when i was stable and felt nice and independent but i still had little moments of softness and needing help. i miss my early early twenties #but. i also miss the feeling of being held tight by him and told nothing could hurt me anymore. that he was gonna keep the bad away #like middle school. keeping the mean kids away #i love him. i want to feel loved #i am loved. i don't doubt that. but i wish i could capture every soft second and live in it forever #and i feel so guilty #trav.txt

[ducktollers]

imma keep it real with u guys idk how im gonna stand the anxiety this semester . and i must stand it i have no choice

#grin and bear it. i am so TIRED of grinning and bearing it #actually im not grinning . im glaring to stop my eyes from watering or staring at my hands fidgeting while i bear it #university is just like. i dont belong here. i shouldnt be here. ur all so passionate abt this and i didnt even do the reading. #im too scared to make eye contact or talk . and then i get sad and insecure abt always being the odd one out. while i glare at the floor #every semester i say my name and lie and say sheher pronouns and it makes me taste bile. and i cant stop sweating. and i hate it here. #someone has to sit right next to me and suddenly my breath probably stinks. i probably stink. my skin looks so bad. my hair looks so bad. #and i stare at my lap and see my big ass thighs and im like Oh yeah im a woman. thanks i hate it. if i dont wear a binder i feel sick #if i do wear a binder i cant breathe and cant stop sweating #im tense all day. my whole body hurts. im too anxious to eat. i should bc my stomach will growl.if i eat my stomach will gurgle loud anyway. #i need to get out of here. im so close to the end. ive been dying inside for years. ive never been anything but a student. im terrified. #🙂 #u know. its like that #x

[steakout-05]

eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P

additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly

#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it #and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website #as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people- #-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were- #-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered #also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it #this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone- #-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious #i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :( #i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles #it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on- #-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help. #unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that- #-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also- #-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes- #-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything'' #and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think- #-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me'' #and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point #be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying #and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child. #be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo #if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows- #-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like #trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you #social anxiety #anxiety disorder #i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11- #-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me #anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y

[wiinterbunny]

💒🧸🎀🐇

#i've been so so scared and anxious and worried for the future for a while now #everything's changing #my mom is talking about moving (without me lol rip) #i have to become independent now #i fucking hate myself bc im almost 25!!!! and im still a pathetic loser who is dependent on her mom #but ofc i cant be #even if i've thought a lot abt myself and my personality disorders and i think this is just who i am #i need and want to be dependent on someone. to be taken care of and someone to make choices for me #but my mom just dont want to do that which i ofc get sksksk #and idk i dont have a dream. i cant imagine myself capable of any job #but i have two ideas of occupations i might be ok at #buuuuut i have no fkn idea how u get an apartment??? how do u get money? how do u do this and that #i know NOTHING abt being an adult or independent and im so fucking scared #dying seems so much easier and more tempting #i cant do.. cant do it to my mom #also it's sad bc recently a dream has formed in my mind #it's including another person tho. and i dont have any control over that. i cant force someone to choose or want me #so that dream is the least realistic of everything. even if this person really is my dream.... bit i cant count on it #and i have to build a live for myself. even if its not the life i really want #im scared im too dumb and childish and worthless to do so tho

[nostalgiabones]

.

#when work is absolutely stressing you out and just being at home generally always stresses you out #what are you actually meant to do #asking for a friend 🫶🏼 deff not for me 🫶🏼 #when absolutely everything makes you anxious what do you do 🤸🏻‍♀️ work and home and you work from home so it just never ends 🤸🏻‍♀️ #sigh #there’s nothing I hate more than this feeling #very scared I’m in trouble at work #whenever I forget about it for a moment I remember again and all the anxiety comes back and it’s awful #i actually think it’s unfair I got the email about it at 4pm on a friday like. Why

[mrfoox]

The fact I refuse to confront/inform the people who have basically ruined my mental state and my ability to function bc that would make them feel bad is honestly bonkers

#miranda talking shit #I cant say id be having a good and normal life if i wasnt abused as a young child but im 90% sure I'd not have this must trouble #Id still have my autistic and add problems but my anxiety and depression would definitely be a lot better #Its... Insane. That my older brothers probably have no idea how much they have actually ruined my life/mental state from such an earlh age #As 4 yrs old... Hell they might not even remember it or even think it was a 'big deal'. I know my second oldest brother probably falls into #The latter. I know now that they both most likely have undiagnosed adhd/autism and they used me as a way to act out/feel better #But being told youre stupid. Fat. Ugly. Useless from the age of 4 like... I cant stress how much it have ruined my self image #Ive tried to build confidence in myself and love myself since my teens and i can barely say im 'avarge' without doubting it #Like they also hit me but that's nothing compared to the mental torture i had to go through on an almost daily basis #Funniest thing is that bc it happened/started when i was so young i didnt think it was... Bad or weird or abnormal. #I started crying when my parents told me to go tell my brothers it was dinner time. I was terrified of knocking on their doors #I still to this day 20 years later am still incredibly uncomfortable and anxious talking with them and i havent been able to make much of #An relationship with them bc of it. Im scared to say anything to them even if its simple shit. And men/boys in general ive thus been #Terrified of since i was young. Once again i thought it was normal to mistrust and be scared of men until i was in my teens #I wish i could hate them i wish i could be angry i wish i had someone to blame #But no my brain is too nice and give excuses to them. Their actions are excused. They have ruined me mentally but thats not their fault #Fuck that might be true but they were still 6 and 11 years older than me. I didnt have a chance to protect myself in any way #I wish someone saw i wasnt okay. I wish someone understood that i wasnt well. I wish someone saw me. #Negative #Abuse

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#ignore me i need to vent and be scared for a moment... #but i've been working my ass off today for a project that's paying me cents #and i've been debating the whole day how to explain to this client that moving forward i will have to charge more money for similar project #and i'm so so scared that it will mean losing this client cause i don't really have many regular clients and regular work #so it's scary to sound greedy (even tho i know it's not greedy) and i've been trying to convince myself it's the right thing to do #i've talked to my mom and she agrees which is huge cause she's always saying i need to be thankful for having work even if it's a lil cheap #but like now she even agrees that over 12hs work days including weekends are NOT being paid with my prices #so i'm so anxious about that and then i go on twitter and i see one movie poster and one chocolate bar wrapper made with ai #and i'm SO SCARED of the future #i went and chose the one career most easily replaced by ai #and i'm so anxious about what my future holds #but also my very near future when i have to tell this people that i can't work for nothing anymore #i hate money and i hate what it does to my head #money not only reaches the mind of those who have lots of it #it also reaches the mind of those who don't have it :// #i fucking hate this and i hate being an adult with a job #specially a freelance job where i am my own fucking boss and i set my own prices #cause i'm so fucking dumb and so easily taken advantage of #i shouldn't be saying this online lol but like i said... i'm dumb #angel talks #personal

[pastelsnakeyy]

Man fuck having scared bitch disease

#vent post #tw anxiety #everything is terrifying and literally getting up is exhausting #literally can't sleep some night because of this shit because a lil bump in the night makes me think there's a home invasion #i also hate being anxious attached to people like i need so much reassurance that my friends like me #i feel like such a burden because of how scared i am to literally send a message to someone #sorry i just- ahhhhhh-

[qrevo]

absolutely hate entering group chats. they always send a notification to everyone "oh look new person is here". can't i just. materialize inside. and lurk in peace.

#at least let me see the group messages before i get in. like. grrrrr. i hate jumping into the unknown #i'm way too much of a fucking lurker. group chats kinda make me anxious. i should work on stopping being like this KAHKDFHSDF #well guess i should do it scared. do it pissing my pants and pooping my panties. that's what that post says right #qrevo.txt

[shxtodxroki]

Y'ALL I'M FREAKING OUT❗️❗️❗️

#{🔇} - bee vents #<- not really its not that serious but just in case #i am really anxious tho #tomorrows my first day of college #im so scared i hate being a freshman all over again #my social anxiety is freaking the fuck out #and I have to wake up at 6am to get there by bus on time AAAAAAA #and its so expensive :( I hate it here #AND MY LITERAL FIRST CLASS IS PUBLIC SPEAKING :(