#i am truly starting to feel queer joy lately

[the---hermit]

Buying evidently queer books with my mom feeling 100% comfortable asking her to hold them for me as i do something else is something i didn't know i needed.

#since i came out to them things have not changed like idk if i expected the sky to have a different color #but this sense of relaxation of not having to hide and control things for fear of questions always gives me life #there's so much i need to discuss with them because queer talk is non existent here #i recently found out my mom didn't even know what lgbt meant #so i definitely need to sit down and have a bit of a conversation to educate them #but i am happy they know and everything is fine and normal #i am truly starting to feel queer joy lately #idk where i am going with this but small things that make me happy i guess #cris speaks #the---hermit

[jewish-vents]

My entire life, I've yearned for the kind of community the Jewish community and Judaism have provided me. I found out I had Jewish ancestry when I was a kid, I looked into it more later and realized my most recent Jewish ancestor (like three-ish generations back) was almost certainly forcibly converted out, and decided to convert to like. Make amends for that I guess and also because I really vibed with the holidays and how we turn up everywhere in history bc we keep doing cool stuff despite consistently shitty circumstances.

But I digress.

I have waited my WHOLE LIFE trying to experience the joy becoming Jewish has shown me, and that gets shit on constantly.

My sister has started making a truly obscene number of Jew jokes. My mom scoffs at all the 'nonsense rules' and has said repeatedly that she thinks choosing a 'restrictive' religion is dumb and I've made a mistake. She even said it's an insult to HER parenting skills that I would seek out religion after she tried to teach me to know better.

My dad is dead but I never ever in a million years would have told him even if he were alive, and my sister thinks it's funny to threaten to 'out' me as Jewish to his relatives even though they're basically KKK-adjacent so she actually enjoys threatening mg safety at this point. (Yay family right?)

My friends have turned everything into an Israel/Palestine discussion lately and I know damn well what they're doing when they start saying truly horrible shit about Israelis and looking at me. They get mad if I try to temper their extremism so I've given up. I barely talk to them anymore and I spend more and more time with other Jews from temple and I don't want to like. Isolate myself from all non-Jews I guess bc I've always felt like that leads to weirdness and perpetuates shit about Jews being unfriendly I guess idk?

Anyway I digress again. My point is I'm really sick of constantly being expected to tolerate it when people think I shouldn't be Jewish.

Other queer people think I'm somehow compromising my queer identity by being Jewish, leftists think I hunt Palestinian children for sport now apparently, right-wingers think I traffic good Christian babies for organ harvesting or some shit idfk, my friends think that if I'm not being more vitriolic in my hatred of Israel than they already are I'm some kind of secret rabid Netanyahu fan, my family think I've been recruited into a cult apparently and the only other people who show me even an ounce of compassion or regard are other Jews and Gd knows there's like ten of us and that number is unlikely to increase.

Just. Fuck. I've put blood, sweat, tears and money into this, I invested more time and emotional commitment into this than I have into going to college or choosing a career, I love it more than anything and have only loved it more the more I learned about it, and all I get when I express this or even just let slip that I am Jewish and chose to be, I get nothing but hatred. I will never understand how a religion that has spent all 5000 years of our existence minding our business and arguing about the same book over and over can possibly have offended this many people with our existence.

Dmn anon, that is a lot you're dealing with right now. I'm so sorry you're surrounded by people who clearly don't respect you. Because yes this is a lack of basic respect, and it is antisemitic. Now I don't know how old you are and how safe you are, but if you can safely do so, set very hard boundaries. Do not tolerate this amount of disrespect towards who you are. It is hard, and many of us have had to go through similar situations, as you can read all over this blog. But I think having to spend your life surrounded by people who make you feel unsafe and disrespected is worse. I know sometimes there are situations in which people cannot safely set these boundaries, I hope it's not your case, but if it is feel free to come here to vent again.

I know you don't want to isolate yourself from goyim. Many Jewish people don't want to. Sadly, when people disrespect us like this, they're the ones isolating us. It's not your fault. Seek people who love and accept you. Sadly, a good chunk of goyim won't - I'm not saying everyone, obviously, but a portion. Having a good Jewish support network seems to be more and more important, whether it's irl or online.

I hope you can soon be in an environment that's safer and more accepting

- 🐺

#jewish vents #antisemitism #leftist antisemitism #jewish convert #i feel like i need to clarify #while i said that a good portion of goyim are disrespectful and antisemitic #i dont mean every goy is #so if someone is coming in the comments to call me goy-phobic i assure you i do not have the patience to deal with that #i mean what i said #thats not an attack on goyim #its just an observable truth stated by literally every jewish person I've ever spoken to #if you feel offended at being called antisemitic try not to be antisemitic #like im sorry i sound so mad but i am just very tired of seeing my community suffer while everyone else just looks the other way

[renee-writer]

Loved Her First Chapter 97

AO3

Her eyes narrow in concentration as she helps her honored granny grind the herbs. Storm’s hands are quite smaller and it is hard to work the mortar and pestle but she is determined. Mama and Papa do their work and Storm does hers. Hers, she is told, is to learn from honored granny how to heal.

 

“Very good Storm. See how the garlic is shredded. That makes it useful for medicine.” As her great-grandchild beams, Claire returns to her own work. With winter on the way, she is preparing the medicine that will be needed. Wee Storm, at three, is more helpful by the day.

 

 Finn drops her off early in the morning and picks her up at noon. It gives the little lass time to learn and gives Odina time to get her own chores done and rest a bit. Pregnant again, she is having a bit more trouble with this pregnancy. Claire suspects twins. They are in the family, after all. She is a bit to early for Claire to know for sure.

 

Time with Storm is welcome. It keeps her mind off Faith and Mercy, so far away. It offers relief from thinking about Caelen who is preparing to wed and Anslie who still refuses every suitor. When it is just her and her wee helper, she can simply feel the joy of being an honored granny.

 

 

“I am truly sorry about your aunt.” David says. His pops and her mama talk business in the other room. David offered to make dinner for their guests. Mercy, curious about how that is done in this time, has asked to accompany him.

 

She sits at the kitchen table, the only familiar thing in the room. David had showed and explained the refrigerator and stove, had amazed her with running water. Now, as he makes what he calls hamburgers, made from cows, they talk.

 

“Thank you. I didn’t really know her but, “ She rests her head on her hand and he sees the small flacks of green in her otherwise blue eyes. They fascinate him, “everyone says I resemble her. I see the sadness in mama and granny’s eyes sometimes and know they are thinking about her. Granda gets a faraway look and I know he is doing the same. The worse though is on my Uncle Jeremy and my cousin, Finn. He was just a few years old when she passed. I cannot imagine not knowing my mama.” She sighs, “Finn is married now, to a woman of the Cherokee tribe. Little Storm, their daughter, her name honors her late granny.”

 

He places the burgers on a plate and starts toasting buns. Her world is so much different then hers, still, he finds himself drawn to her. He is a bit freaked.

 

Clearing his throat, he replies, “Was it an illness that took her away?”

 

She sighs again and he hears the sorrow in it. “No, it was despair. Granny says that she had a deep sorrow after Finn was born. Though she loved him, she couldn’t get past it. So, she took her own life.”

 

A shocked gasp from David.  He turns to face her, not sure what to say, when his pops and Faith walk in.

 

“Come Mercy. Joe had some clothes that are from this time. They will help us blend in better.”

 

She raises, does a small curtsey towards David and Joe, and follows her out.

 

 

“I have a problem.” They are repairing the fence line before the snows come. Jamie nods at him to go on, “It is Abigail, the Bug’s daughter.”

 

“What of the lass, Ian?”

 

He lays his hammer on the post. “She tried to kiss me. I rebuffed her, reminding her that I be a married man.”

 

“How did she respond?” He is already formulating, in his mind, the conversation he will have with Archie Bug.

 

“She said that a real wife wouldn’t leave her husband to go to Boston taking his girl child to be educated. That it is a scandalous thing to do. That,” he stares out over the fields, “is the real problem. I can handle young Abigail. The worry is, what is going around about Faith and Mercy.”

 

“Aye,” his Uncle Jamie replies, “I don’t know whether to let it lay or say something. Thank you for telling me. I will give it some thought.”

 

 

“They are queer.” Mercy says as she slips on the strange breaks and shirt that lasses wear in this time.

 

“A bit, yes. They are different then what Bree and I,” a short pause, as the pain of losing her, hits again, “wore when we were here. Don’t worry Mercy. You will get used to them.”

 

She takes her hand and they rejoin their hosts for dinner. David ‘s eyes grow wide at seeing Mercy in modern clothes.

#my writing #outlander fanfic #omgbarbiegurl's and i's #loved her first #chapter 97 #jamie and claire #cannon divergence #outlander fandom

[ac3has6l00d]

Hi, I’m a simp! Please enjoy my google translated french. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rating: Pg-13, suggestive comments

A03 Tags: Grell Sutcliffe, Grelle Sutcliffe, Trans Female Grell Sutcliff,  Grelle Sutcliff, Established Relationship, Queer, WLW, girls being cute, late night prompt, They're gay harold, Girls in Love, me being gay for grelle, kinda-sorta reviewed by a reaper who likes snake, Bad French, google translated french

Notes: 

~Grelle is a Trans woman! So I will not tolerate any kind of turf shit in my comments, nor will I tolerate any kind of homophobia down there.

~There are so many mistakes in here, but I love her. Despite being a native English speaker, I am very bad at spelling, so if it's very bad please let me know :)

~Was "read over" by a friend of mine who is a reaper with brass knuckles (They have keychains on the side)

~The music while writing this includes "Ballistic" (Nonsense ft. TREKKIE TRAX CREW, and Ashnikko), "You Make Me Sick!" (Ashnikko), "Daisy" (Ashnikko), "Cry" (Ashnikko ft. Grimes), "Pink Rover" (Scene Queen), "Pink Panther" (Scene Queen), "The Rapture (but its pink)" (Scene Queen ft. Mothica), "Babalon" (Twin Temple), "Tengamos La Orgia Satánica" (Twin Temple), "Let's Have a Satanic Orgy" (Twin Temple), and "Let's Hang Together" (Twin Temple)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ She would smile softly at me every so often as she messed with a strand of my hair that landed on her pillow. It was too early to get up and we had too much energy to fall back asleep. We were facing each other in bed as our boredom prolonged and time seemed to have stood still. I became hyper-aware of her in my half-state. The vermillion cotton chemise she wore to bed, how her hair tangles into a few scattered uzumaki since she's let it grow out, the faint aroma of the perfume I got her for a death day long passed, the dull hue of her ruby red lipstick stuck on her sweet lips, her entire being filled my senses. I stare lovingly at my wife- I truly cannot help myself either- she knows how she sways all of my past known human emotions when she looks away and pretends not to notice that I crave her and her attention. 

 When she does look towards my eyes, I can feel the warmth of her smile and the heat in her cheeks. She would mumble something about staring at her as weird, but both of us know that she loves the attention but refuses to acknowledge it. How could I not stare at her? When today of all days was the day she was reborn? The day she became the woman she was meant to be? 

Her verdant eyes glow as I rest my palm on the chiselled cheek that rests not on her pillow. “My love, why wouldn’t I be gazing at you and drinking you in as you radiate pure joy and bliss? It is the day you have been reborn all those years ago as the woman I know and love today! I cannot think about not enjoying every dying moment without you as I rise for the morning, work with you during the day, and rest with you in the evening!” With a brilliant flash of my sweet smile as I rejoice with the toothy grin she flares my way. 

“My Deadly Dearest, you know just what to say to make a woman sentimental even in the early waking hours of the dawn! Do you have anything planned for your lovely wife’s birthday?” She purrs. 

I nod a little, “I have a whole day planned out for the both of us… It can wait for a little longer though, I quite enjoy spending a spare restless moment with you, my ruby reaper.” 

“Is it all a secret, dear, or can your heart-holder be let in on the plans?” She inquires, the faint purse of her lips appearing as I gazed at her to think. I start humming the faint orchestra of the new ballet we visited, I faintly remember the flower ballad, a waltz if memory served. I would have picked up the rest of the song had I been listening but I was mesmerised by how her phosphorescent eyes cavorted across the stage with the dancers. “Well, once our day starts officially, I was thinking of making you breakfast in bed," I pause for a moment and wrap my arms around her waist, "then I managed to score a private tour of the Oxford gardens. After the gardens, we can get a luncheon at a place of your choosing. I'll be sure to pay for us, " I send her a wink, "And then laissez le bon temps rouler". 

She rolled her eyes at my Cajun French, our last anniversary trip, her suggestion being New Orleans, had ended with the both of us celebrating with new undead friends and lots of spirits that would make the living roll. "Reminding me of those nights in the French Quarter? I remember the last time I mentioned it to you at work, the blush on your face was cherry red and you mumbled for me to hush up for fear of who could hear". She looks at me quizzically before she lets out a light yawn, her sharp teeth almost making her resemble a cat yawning after being woken up from their noonly nap. " We still have a few more hours until we should start getting ready, my darling, I'm going to rest some more so we can be out as late as our bodies will let us”.

I nod some and pull her closer, our bodies already so tangled it would be hard to tell limb from limb in the morning, "I'm not stopping you from getting your beloved beauty rest, please, close your eyes and let your mind take you to its dream states.” I gaze at her lovingly for a moment before she shifts her head to rest on my chest, “je t'aime mon coeur.” I mumble to her. 

She sighs happily as I speak to her in one of her mother tongues and orientates herself so her voice wouldn’t be obscured from being buried into my clavicle, “You dare speak to me in such a way before I must go to bed? You know I love it when you speak to me in French, mon amour… keep that up and I will have you speaking to me in only muffled breaths and heady wails,” A faint crimson swells within my vessels, “I may not be as good as I was when we visited the French Quarter, but I’m sure with enough petting we can compromise,” She pauses dramatically, “ Alas, we must wait until later, you still have a day planned and I’m sure you would love to be able to stand.” I can almost feel the cheeky grin that creeps onto her pale face. 

I look down at her and shake my head at her slightly, “I sometimes wonder how I ended up marrying you, darling. But yes, with what I have for us tomorrow I believe it would be mutually beneficial if we were able to stand for long periods of time. Now get some more rest, you nympho-bastard”, I play at her as she pucks her lips up at me, I rest a kiss on her awaiting lips and mumble a small ‘I love you’ before she shuts her eyes. 

To help guide her to rest I go back to humming the waltz I hardly remembered. She is one to fall asleep quickly when she hasn’t slept well, and today is a perfect example. Our supervisor has been working her to no end while I rest uneasily at the office when she doesn't return for our usual luncheon. She deserves these next few days off and the plans I have made for her, if not for her birthday, then for her sanity. Mr Spears be damned if he tries to call us in when she has so diligently changed her ways and became the respectable -yet flirty-  reaper I knew she could be, “I am so glad I married you, my beautiful wife, my ruby red reaper, the holder of my heart, my everything. Later will be filled with nothing but love and celebration of you. Just like those nights in the french quarter. Those nights we spent together I was worshipping you as you drank yourself to the floor and as I dragged you to bed to rest and recover for the next day of debauchery. I remember how the emeralds we have that are our eyes glimmered as you gazed at me from the bed while I tended to you, the soft mumble of ‘je t'aime’, ‘Mon amour, tu te soucies beaucoup de moi’ and with your arms out wide for me, ‘Viens me câliner, ma belle’”, I let out a light laugh that turns to a light yawn, “Your french is beautiful my darling, and I can only hope to reach your grace one day. We are guaranteed eternity so learning it and speaking it with you is only a matter of time”. I nestle closer to her and yawn once more, “Pour l'instant, laissez-nous dormir. Je t'aime, Grelle” I shut my eyes and sleep finds me almost instantly. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some rough translations ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cajun French "laissez le bon temps rouler" "Let the good times roll"

French “je t'aime mon coeur” "I love you sweetheart" "mon amour" "my love" "je t'aime" "I love you" "Mon amour, tu te soucies beaucoup de moi" "My love, you care a lot for me" or "My love, you care a lot about me" "Viens me câliner, ma belle" "Come give me a hug, beautiful" “Pour l'instant, laissez-nous dormir. Je t'aime, Grelle” "For now, let us sleep. I love you, Grelle."

#grell sutcliff #grelle sutcliffe #queer #lgbtq #fan fic writing #fan fic prompt #wlw #late night prompt #ace writes #they're in love <3 #they're in love your honor #black butler grelle #black butler #kuroshitsuji grell #kuroshitsuji

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

Disney but just the Queer Mood™ Songs, a full Spotify Playlist

Open to updates should anyone notice a song I missed!

Tracklist with specific lyrics that fuck us all up under the cut:

KEY: A general list of which songs resonate with people. The 🏳️‍🌈is for general songs; if you relate to a song but don’t see ur emoji beneath it, send me a message and I’ll add it!

🏳️‍🌈 General Queer Anthem  🌈 Gays specifically have related to this song  ❤️ Gay Men specifically have related to this song  🧡 Lesbians specifically have related to this song 💕 Bisexuals/Pansexuals specifically have related to this song  💜 Asexuals/Ace-spectrum people specifically have related to this song 💚 Aromatics/Aro-spectrum people specifically have related to this song 🤍 Trans people have specifically related to this song 🖤 Nonbinary/Genderqueer people have specifically related to this song  💗 Polyamorous people have specifically related to this song

Know Who You Are - Moana

🏳️‍🌈

They have stolen the heart from inside you But this does not define you  This is not who you are You know who you are...

I Wonder - Sleeping Beauty 

🌈🧡

I wonder, I wonder, I wonder why each little bird has a someone To sing to, sweet things to, A gay little love melody I wonder, I wonder, I wonder if my heart keeps singing, Will my song go winging To someone, who'll find me And bring back a love song to me...

Mother Knows Best - Tangled

🏳️‍🌈 honestly this is just... a general song for some of our shitty relationships to guardian figures...

It's a scary world out there Mother knows best One way or another Something will go wrong, I swear

Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know? I only bathed and changed and nursed you Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it Let me die alone here, be my guest When it's too late You'll see, just wait Mother knows best

Don't forget it You'll regret it...

Dangerous to Dream - Frozen Broadway Production

🏳️‍🌈

I can't be what you expect of me But I'm trying every day with all I do and do not say Here on the edge of the abyss Knowing everything in my whole life has lead to this And so I pull inside myself, close the walls, put up my guard I've practiced every single day for this So why is it so hard?

I can't dwell on what we've lost And our secrecy and silence comes at such a cost

I wish I could tell the truth Show you who's behind the door I wish you knew what all this pantomime And pageantry was for

It's dangerous to wish I could make choices of my own Dangerous to even have that thought I'm dangerous just standing here for everyone to see If I let go of rules who knows how dangerous I'd be?

Reflection - Mulan 

🏳️‍🌈🤍🖤- literally everyone requested this. everyone. so im just copy-pasting the entire lyrics sorry not sorry

Look at me, I will never pass for a perfect bride Or a perfect daughter Can it be I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see that if I were truly to be myself I would break my family's heart

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I’ve tried  When will my reflection show who I am inside?

How I pray that a time will come I can free myself From their expectations On that day, I'll discover someway to be myself And to make my family proud They want a docile lamb No one knows who I am Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide? Must I pretend that I'm Someone else for all time? When will my reflection show Who I am inside? When will my reflection show Who I am inside?

Everything I Ever Thought I Knew - Tangled: The Series

🏳️‍🌈 when u realize u might not be straight lol

I thought no one could love me And how could I have known? I was wrong, oh so wrong

Everything I ever thought I knew Where I've been, where I'm going Everything I counted on turned out to be untrue Could've guessed, should've known, now I do

If none of it was really me then who am I supposed to be?

I guess I'm someone else now I wonder who I am

God Help the Outcasts - Hunchback of Notre Dame

🏳️‍🌈...yeah. yeah

Yes, I know I'm just an outcast I shouldn't speak to You Still, I see Your face and wonder Were You once an outcast, too?

God help the outcasts, hungry from birth Show them the mercy they don't find on Earth God help my people, they look to You, still God help the outcasts or nobody will

I ask for nothing, I can get by But I know so many less lucky than I Please help my people, the poor and downtrod I thought we all were the children of God

Belle (Reprise) - Beauty and the Beast

🌈 when a cishet thinks ur interested smh

Madame Gaston! Can't you just see it? Madame Gaston! His little wife No, sir! Not me! I guarantee it I want much more than this provincial life!

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere I want it more than I can tell And for once it might be grand To have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned...

Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid

🌈 SO many people requested this one guys it’s not even funny

Wandering free, wish I could be Part of that world

Betcha on land, they understand Bet they don't reprimand their daughters Bright young women, sick of swimming Ready to stand

When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, Love to explore that shore up above?

One Jump Ahead (Reprise) - Aladdin

🏳️‍🌈

Riff-raff, street rat I don't buy that If only they'd look closer

Would they see a poor boy? No, siree They'd find out There's so much more to me...

Proud of Your Boy - Aladdin Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈❤️🤍

That I've been one rotten kid Some son, some pride and some joy But I'll get over these lousin' up Messin' up, screwin' up times...

Water flows under the bridge Let it pass, let it go There's no good reason that you should believe me Not yet, I know, but

Someday and soon I'll make you proud of your boy Though I can't make myself taller Or smarter or handsome or wise I'll do my best, what else can I do? Since I wasn't born perfect like Dad or you...

Someone’s Waiting for You - The Rescuers

🏳️‍🌈

Be brave, little one Make a wish for each sad little tear Hold your head up though no one is near Someone's waiting for you

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket And you're sure to see the light Soon there'll be joy and happiness And your little world will be bright

Have faith, little one Til your hopes and your wishes come true

Stick to the Status Quo - High School Musical 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 YOU ALL KNOW EXACTLY WHY THIS IS HERE

No, no, no, stick to the stuff you know It is better by far to keep things as they are Don't mess with the flow, no no Stick to the status quo

Into the Unknown - Frozen 2

🏳️‍🌈

I can hear you, but I won't Some look for trouble while others don't There's a thousand reasons I should go about my day And ignore your whispers which I wish would go away

I've had my adventure, I don't need something new I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you

Or are you someone out there who's a little bit like me? Who knows deep down I'm not where I'm meant to be? Every day's a little harder as I feel my power grow Don't you know there's part of me that longs to go

Where are you going? Don't leave me alone How do I follow you Into the unknown?

Go the Distance - Hercules 

🏳️‍🌈

I have often dreamed of a far off place Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me

And a voice keeps saying This is where I'm meant to be

I am on my way, I can go the distance I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong I know every mile will be worth my while I would go most anywhere to find where I belong

Tomorrow - Annie

🏳️‍🌈 - betcha didnt know disney had an annie movie did u

The sun will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow There'll be sun

When I'm stuck in a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say, oh, The sun’ll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on til tomorrow, come what may...

Learn Me Right - Brave

🏳️‍🌈💜💚

Though I may speak some tongue of old Or even spit out some holy word I have no strength with which to speak When you sit me down and see I’m weak

We will run and scream you will dance with me We'll fulfill our dreams, and we'll be free We will be who we are, and they’ll heal our scars Sadness will be far away...

Strange Sight - Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast 

🏳️‍🌈

You stand in the light You're wrong, but you're right And my heart's beating wildly Strange how I'm scared but delighted Afraid, but excited too

I will understand you Strange how I'm drawn to the danger I reach out my hand to you

If you're caught in the shadows and turned all around Lost in the darkness, you will be found If you hear my voice, follow the sound Cause I'm here to guide you home... 

I Don’t Dance - High School Musical 2 

🌈 ❤️ 💕 okay so if you weren’t here for the high school musical tumblr revival you may be confused but listen... it’s about being mlm... 

Step up to the plate, start swinging

I wanna play ball Now that’s all, this is what I do It ain’t no dance that you can show me

I’ve got what it takes playin’ my game So you best skin that pitch you gonna throw me, yeah I’ll show you how I swing

I can prove it to you ‘til you know it’s true Cause I can swing it, I can bring it to the diamond too You’re talking a lot, show me what you got Stop, swing!

Kiss the Girl - cover of The Little Mermaid 

this version is sung by a girl so 🧡💕

There you see her, sitting there across the way She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her And you don't know why, but you're dying to try You wanna kiss the girl

Yes, you want her Look at her, you know you do It's possible she want you too There is one way to ask her...

Can You Feel the Love Tonight - The Lion King 

🏳️‍🌈

An enchanted moment And it sees me through It's enough for this restless warrior Just to be with you

There's a time for everyone if they only learn That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors When the heart of this star-crossed voyager Beats in time with yours

And can you feel the love tonight? It is where we are It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer That we got this far And can you feel the love tonight? How it's laid to rest It's enough to make kings and vagabonds Believe the very best

Beauty and the Beast - Beauty and the Beast 

🏳️‍🌈- a lot of queer people tend to empathize with “beastly” characters so we all latched the fuck onto this movie huh

Just a little change, small to say the least Both a little scared, neither one prepared

Ever just the same, ever a surprise Ever as before, ever just as sure As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time, tune as old as song Bittersweet and strange, finding you can change Learning you were wrong...

Healing Incantation - Tangled 

🏳️‍🌈🤍🖤

Heal what has been hurt Change the fates' design Save what has been lost Bring back what once was mine

So Close - Enchanted 

🏳️‍🌈🌈

A life goes by, romantic dreams will stop So I bid mine goodbye and never knew So close was waiting waiting here with you And now, forever, I know All that I wanted to hold you so close

Oh, how could I face the faceless days If I should lose you now?

So close to reaching that famous happy end Almost believing this one's not pretend Let’s go on dreaming though we know we are So close, so close, and still So far...

If Only - Descendants

🏳️‍🌈🌈

A million thoughts in my head Should I let my heart keep listening? Cause up 'til now, I've walked the line Nothing lost but something missing I can't decide what's wrong, what's right Which way should I go?

Every step, every word With every hour I'm feeling in To something new, something brave To someone I've never been

Will you still be with me When the magic's all run out?

If only I knew what my heart was telling me Don't know what I'm feeling Is this just a dream? If only I could read the signs in front of me I could find the way to who I'm meant to be

Wherever You Are - Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin 

🏳️‍🌈- out of context could be interpreted as romantic, esp since the credits version is a duet (🌈 💕) but the original context is friendship so honestly it’s very 💜💚

I'm out here in the dark, all alone and wide awake Come and find me I'm empty and I'm cold, and my heart's about to break Come and find me

I need you to come here and find me Cause without you, I'm totally lost I've hung a wish on every star It hasn't done much good so far I can only dream of you

But when the morning comes and the sun begins to rise, I will lose you Because it’s just a dream, when I open up my eyes, I will lose you

I used to believe in forever, But forever is too good to be true I've hung a wish on every star It hasn't done much good so far

I don't know what else to do Except to try to dream of you And wonder, if you're dreaming too Wherever you are

I Won’t Say (I’m In Love) - Hercules

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 💕

If there's a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I've already won that

Who d'you think you're kiddin'? He's the earth and heaven to ya Try to keep it hidden Honey, we can see right through ya Girl, you can't conceal it We know how you feel And who you're thinking of

I thought my heart had learned its lesson It feels so good when you start out My head is screaming "Get a grip, girl!" Unless you're dying to cry your heart out

You keep on denying Who you are and how you're feeling Baby, we're not buying Hon, we saw you hit the ceiling

This scene won't play I won't say I'm in love

At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love

Endless Night - The Lion King Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈🤍 🖤 

Where has the starlight gone? Dark is the day How can I find my way home? Home is an empty dream, lost to the night Father, I feel so alone

When will the dawning break, oh, endless night Sleepless I dream of the day

I know that the night must end And that the sun will rise I know that the clouds must clear And that the sun will shine

Set Yourself Free - Tangled: The Series 

🏳️‍🌈🤍

There's much more inside of you than anyone can see And now the choice is yours Life waits beyond the doors So step on through, the time has come And only you can set yourself free!

No one else can tell you what to do Or who to be! No one gets to say if you will stay or go

Look inside your heart and find the key... And set yourself free!

Bound up by your worries Trapped by your mistakes Forced to play a role you never chose Why not test your limits? You've got what it takes Let it out and follow where it goes

No more letting someone else define you to a "T" You know that you are strong You've known it all along So seize the day, let down your hair You’ll find a way to set yourself free!

So look to the horizon Open up your wings! Fly away to find your destiny... And set yourself free!

Speechless - Aladdin 2019 Remake 

🏳️‍🌈 ALL OF US ALL OF US

Here comes a wave meant to wash me away A tide that is taking me under

Cause I'll breathe when they try to suffocate me! Don't you underestimate me! Cause I know that I won't go speechless!

Written in stone, every rule, every word Centuries old and unbending "Stay in your place, better seen and not heard," Well, now that story is ending

Try to lock me in this cage! I won't just lay me down and die! I will take these broken wings And watch me burn across the sky!

I’m Still Here (Jim’s Theme) - Treasure Planet

🏳️‍🌈❤️🤍

I am a question to the world Not an answer to be heard Or a moment that's held in your arms

You don't know me And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand I'm a boy - No, I'm a man You can't take me and throw me away And how can you learn what's never shown Yeah, you stand here on your own They don't know me, cause I’m not here 

And I want to tell you who I am Can you help me be a man They can't break me As long as I know who I am

They can't tell me who to be 'Cause I'm not what they see Yeah, the world is still sleepin' While I keep on dreaming for me And their words are just whispers and lies That I'll never believe!

Crossing the Line - cover of Tangled: the Series 

🏳️‍🌈 🧡 tfw when u are DONE with that fuckin closet 

This has to stop now This thing where you think that you've been my friend And don't even hear how you condescend The way you've always done

How I've tried to jump that great divide! But I've never got the chances you were given You don't know how much I've been denied Well, I'm not being patient anymore

I'm crossing the line! And I'm done holding back So look out, clear the track, it's my turn! I'm taking what's mine Every drop, every smidge If I'm burning a bridge, let it burn! But I'm crossing the line...

Let it Go - Frozen 

🏳️‍🌈 listen. i do not have to explain this one. you all know exactly why it’s here. we were all tiny gays in 2013 losing our shit in the theater for no discernable reason why. we know

Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know Well, now they know!

Let it go! Let it go! Turn away and slam the door! I don't care what they're going to say!

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all!

No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

I'm never going back, the past is in the past!

Let it go! Let it go! And I'll rise like the break of dawn Let it go! Let it go! That perfect girl is gone!

This is Me - Camp Rock 

🏳️‍🌈 🧡 💕 🤍

I've always been the kind of girl that hid my face So afraid to tell the world what I've got to say But I have this dream right inside of me I'm gonna let it show it's time To let you know It's to let you know

Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark? To dream about a life where you're the shining star

This is real, this is me I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now Gonna let the light shine on me Now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in No more hiding who I wanna be...

Breaking Free - High School Musical 

🏳️‍🌈 🖤

You know the world can see us In a way that's different than who we are Creating space between us 'Till we're separate hearts But your faith it gives me strength Strength to believe

Soarin, flyin There’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach If we’re trying, yeah we’re breaking free  We’re running, climbin  To get to the place, to be all that we can be  Now’s the time, so we’re breaking free

True To Your Heart - Mulan 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈

Baby, I knew at once that you were meant for me Deep in my soul, I know that I'm your destiny Though you're unsure Why fight the tide Don't think so much Let your heart decide

True to your heart You must be true to your heart That's when the heavens'll part And, baby, shower you with my love Open your eyes Your heart can tell you no lies And when you're true to your heart I know it's gonna lead you straight to me

Someone ya know is on your side can set you free I can do that for you if you believe in me Why second guess what feels so right Just trust your heart And you'll see the light

Never Knew I Needed - The Princess and the Frog 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 💕

For the way you changed my plans For being the perfect distraction For the way you took the idea that I have Of everything that I wanted to have And made me see there was something missing...

My accidental happily ever after The way you smile and how you comfort me with your laughter I must admit you were not a part of my book But now if you open it up and take a look You're the beginning and the end of every chapter

You're the best thing I never knew I needed So when you were here I had no idea You'd be the best thing I never knew I needed So now it's so clear I need you here always

Colors of the Wind - Pocahontas 

🏳️‍🌈 - colors.... rainbows.... yea

How can there be so much that you don't know? You don't know...

You think the only people who are people Are the people who look and think like you But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger You'll learn things you never knew, you never knew

How high will the sycamore grow If you cut it down, then you'll never know And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon For whether we are white or copper skinned We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains We need to paint with all the colors of the wind...

I See the Light - Tangled 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 - you would not BELIEVE how many of y’all requested this one

Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight Now I'm here, suddenly I see Standing here, it's all so clear I'm where I'm meant to be

Now she's here shining in the starlight Now she's here, suddenly I know If she's here it's crystal clear I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light And it's like the fog has lifted And at last I see the light And it's like the sky is new And it's warm and real and bright And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything looks different Now that I see you

Strangers Like Me - Tarzan 

🏳️‍🌈 🤍 🖤- that moment when u find another queer person and ur like “holy shit”

I can see there's so much to learn It's all so close and yet so far I see myself as people see me Oh, I just know there's something bigger out there

Come with me now to see my world Where there's beauty beyond your dreams Can you feel the things I feel Right now, with you Take my hand There's a world I need to know...

Why Should I Worry? - Oliver & Company 

🏳️‍🌈- we’re queer, we’re here, get used to it 

Why should I worry? Why should I care? I may not have a dime But I got street savoir-faire Why should I worry? Why should I care? It's just be-bopulation And I got street savoir-faire

Why should I worry? Why should I care? And even when I crossed that line I got street savoir-faire

Welcome - Brother Bear 

🏳️‍🌈 pride parade amirite

Everyone's invited This is how we live We are here for each other, happy to give All we have we share And all of us we care

There's a bond between us nobody can explain It's a celebration of life We see our friends again I'll be there for you I know you'll be there for me, too So come on!

This has to be the most beautiful The most peaceful place I've ever been to It's nothing like I've never seen before When I think how far I've come I can't believe it And yet I see it In them I see family I see the way we used to be...

The Great Divide - Tinkerbell and the Secret of the Wings

🏳️‍🌈

I'm on your side Let's take this ride And together we're facing the world Doing things nobody's done before And the great divide doesn’t seem so wide anymore

With You by My Side - Tangled: the Series 

💗 - tangled the series was so close to being canon polyam istg

Now; now more than ever We must stick together united

If we're destined to head in our own different ways Let's make the most of these sweet final days Why not go out in a glorious blaze

There's nothing I couldn't do Not with you by my side What in the world would I do Without you by my side...

Love Will Find a Way - The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride

🏳️‍🌈 🌈

In a perfect world One we've never known We would never need to face the world alone They can have the world We'll create our own I may not be brave or strong or smart But somewhere in my secret heart

And if only they could feel it too The happiness I feel with you

Like dark turning into day Somehow we'll come through Now that I've found you Love will find a way I know love will find a way

Space Between - Descendants 2

🧡 never have i ever seen gays flock to a song faster

And you can find me in the space between Where two worlds come to meet I'll never be out of reach Cause you're a part of me so you can find me in the space between You'll never be alone No matter where you go We can meet in the space between

Even if we're worlds apart You're still in my heart It will always be you and me, yeah

If I Never Knew You - Pocahontas

🏳️‍🌈🌈

And if I never held you I would never have a clue How at last I'd find in you The missing part of me...

In this world so full of fear Full of rage and lies I can see the truth so clear In your eyes So dry your eyes

If I never knew you I'd be safe but half as real Never knowing I could feel A love so strong and true

I thought our love would be so beautiful  Somehow we'd make the whole world bright I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night But still my heart is saying we were right

I’d Give Anything - Tangled: the Series 

🧡 rapunzel’s sad breakup song

So if you find that you're in darkness or despair Though you won't turn to me please know I'll be right there Name any sacrifice, I'll pay the price that's due Cause I'd give anything for you Yes, I'd give anything to relive everything we knew...

Someday - Hunchback of Notre Dame 

🏳️‍🌈

I used to believe In the days I was naïve That I'd live to see A day of justice dawn And though I will die Long before that morning comes I'll die while believing still It will come when I am gone

Someday, when we are wiser When the world's older, when we have learned I pray someday we may yet live To live and let live

Someday, these dreams will all be real Till then we'll wish upon the moon Change will come, one day Someday soon... 

No One Is Alone - Into the Woods 

🏳️‍🌈

Mother cannot guide you, now your on your own. Only me beside you, still you're not alone. No one is alone. Truly, no one is alone…

People make mistakes Holding to their own  Thinking they’re alone 

Someone is on your side, someone else is not  While we’re seeing our side, maybe we forgot  They are not alone, no one is alone...

I Am Moana (Song of the Ancestors) - Moana

🏳️‍🌈 🤍 - it’s about the self-acceptance binch

Sometimes, the world seems against you The journey may leave a scar But scars can heal and reveal just Where you are

The people you love will change you The things you have learned will guide you And nothing on Earth can silence The quiet voice still inside you

I've delivered us to where we are I have journeyed farther I am everything I've learned and more Still it calls me

And the call isn't out there at all, it's inside me! It's like the tide, always falling and rising I will carry you here in my heart, you remind me That come what may I know the way

Show Yourself - Frozen 2 

🏳️‍🌈 - this one was claimed immediately by the queer community and we all have a stake in it but i do want to point out that i got this from a LOT of 🤍 🖤 💜 💚

I have always been a fortress Cold secrets deep inside You have secrets too But you don't have to hide

I've never felt so certain All my life, I've been torn But I'm here for a reason Could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different Normal rules did not apply Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?

Oh, show yourself Let me see who you are... Come to me now Open your door Don't make me wait One moment more!

(Come, my darling, homeward bound) I am found!

Transformation / Beauty and the Beast (Reprise) - Beauty and the Beast Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈

We are home, we are where we shall be forever  Trust in me, for you know I won’t run away from today This is all that I need, and all that I need to say  Don’t you know how you’ve changed me? Strange how I finally see  I found home, you’re my home, stay with me... 

Finale / Let it Go - Frozen Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈 this makes me bawl so it gets finale

There’s so much I longed to say Then say it all, beginning with today It’s like a dream I thought could never be  Elsa, you’re free 

Here we stand in the light of day Let the sun shine on 

I take this warmth within and send it up above Goodbye to dark and fear, let’s fill this world with light and love And here surrounded by a family at least  We’re never going back, the past is in the past 

Let our true love go  Let it go!

#disney #disney songs #queer #lgbt #lgbtq #mine

[zandracourt]

And now for something completely personal...

I have unfollowed Misha on social media, which makes me sad. I appreciate anyone who wants to keep talking, but I had to turn it off because Misha’s words tonight were hard to hear from someone I thought had a better understanding of the community he is advocating for. And perhaps what we are seeing is just the reality of being an ally versus actually being part of the community. In the same way that whites just end up sounding defensive and tone deaf when trying to explain why something racist really wasn’t.

My story is of being bi. I have a daughter who is pan, and I am het-married because that happened before I fully understood my bisexuality. I’m out now and I have had F/F experiences, but I have not moved in the world with a full-time female sexual partner, so I don’t know the full weight of queer oppression and I think that is important for people to know.

But what I do know really, really well is what it’s like to not fully understand being bisexual until my late 30s-early 40s because of falling for my best friend. I understand that it takes time to process and even believe in the feelings you have. It can take years. I understand having to come to terms with queerness when you’ve lived your life very convincingly heterosexual. I understand the sense of hypocrisy and denial you feel inside. And I understand what it means to know that a life you might idealize just can’t be the life you live. So I profoundly understand Cas making a confession of love and having Dean not be able to reciprocate, whatever his reason. What I don’t understand is why you took a situation that could have been a true gift to the queer community and literally salt and burn it to ash.

The damage SPN did was in being unwilling to operate from any kind of queer perspective while deliberately using queer tokenism to manipulate a fanbase for profit and longevity. The problem the show cannot escape is that the world has changed tremendously in 15 years. Queer viewers no longer have to accept scraps. We have shows that give us queer characters right up front in many genres. Not saying they all do them well, but representation is higher than it has ever been. And that is exactly why all this schlock by the CW, the desperate attempts by the actors to smooth it all over, and their repeated comments that they just have no idea why everyone is so upset just feels like they are reacting to not being able to continue to use queerness for profit and not out any actual caring for queer people. They just don’t want the bad press and they don’t want to be called out for their homophobia because that damages their reputations. They had a chance to be a landmark in queer storytelling and ended up as a enormous example of everything wrong with homophobic storytelling and queerbaiting.

Destiel is not new. It’s not fringe. And it’s not our fucking imaginations. It’s not. And if you can’t see it, chances are you are hopelessly, painfully straight. You will never get queer stories and I feel bad for you honestly, because the depth and vitality that queer characters and queer romance brings to storytelling is incredible.

Cas loved Dean, yes. And he finally got the courage to say so and promptly died. It DOES. NOT. MATTER. Why he died. It doesn’t matter that we got word he was brought to heaven or that it was written by a gay writer. It IS a bury-your-gays, devastating, repressive, horrible message because Cas never got to be fulfilled as a queer character. He never got to discover how to be queer and find happiness even if Dean doesn’t love him back. He became canonically gay and died within seconds. That is NOT supporting the queer community or queer stories. It’s literally killing them.

As for Dean and whatever he said or didn’t say, again, the conspiracy theories around it demonstrates exactly why people are so upset. Because they were cowards. They were cowards in an era when everyone is fucking done with those who cannot take a stand and instead flounder in the “there are great people on both sides” ethos. It is the same level of GTFO attitude I have for any one who says “gays are fine, as long as they are not gay here”: be that church, a restaurant, on a television set, or any where else. To echo Justice Ginsberg, there will be enough queer stories on TV when they all are. And it is exactly SPN’s fear of “going there” with Destiel YEARS ago that brought them to this miserable end. Destiel only became a risk worth doing when they believed there was no cost to them; when they could kill everyone and never show anyone being queer so they never had to actually deal with queerness at all. After all, Buffy didn’t truly love Spike, but she still told him she loved him and held his hand as he sacrificed himself for her in the final episode. *That* is the trope of a sacrificial romantic death. And now they are paying the price for their lack of integrity to their own show and story telling.

As a final note, I’ve been thinking about the fact that as a fic writer, I’ve had no desire to fix this ending, despite having written many Destiel fics over the years. The embers were still burning on the McDanno dumpster-fire last April when I started to write that fix-it fic and that was my first ever fic in that fandom! That’s how badly I needed to change that ending for myself. After Endgame, I needed better closure for Steve, so I wrote one. But after SPN, I’ve had no desire to write Destiel at all. I haven’t even wanted to read any SPN fics. I have lost my joy for the show and everything attached to it.

I don’t give a shit about CW or most of their programming. I *have* cared about the actors and the fan spaces because there are amazing people there and Misha has been an incredible role model in so many, many ways for not just the fandom, but for human beings in general. Until tonight.

Nina Simone said we all have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served. That was exactly how I felt when I saw Misha’s message on Facebook. He is so much more than this fandom and after some time, I know I will probably follow him again in the future because he is a truly fine person who is doing incredible things in this world. For now, though, I can’t.

So to the network, showrunners, and as painful as it is to say, actors, here’s the hard, cold, truth: Destiel fans have not caused any of this. The show did. And sadly, there is nothing you can do to repair the damage you have done. That is your legacy now and we all have to live with it.

#SPN #Destiel #Misha Collins #TheySilencedYou

[i-am-just-a-kiddo]

rules: create your own post and tag 9 people to get to know better or catch up with

thank you for tagging me in this, @vishcount, eventhough we catch up every day basically 💞 i am tagging @cortue, @sassyassassy and @the-cloud-whisperer! no pressure in answering these questions to such detail, just do however you feel like. (ED) i’m sorry i forgot to tag @intyalote because i wish to know you better too! 

my ramblings under the cut: 

last song listened to:  Change (Feat. GRAY) (Prod. 코드 쿤스트 CODE KUNST) by Kid Millie

code kunst is one of my absolute favourite musical artists and i always discover new projects he was part of. this one is my recent favourite, i’ve just been listening to it up and down the past few weeks so my youtube shuffle automatically plays this.

last movie watched: The Yin Yang Master (2021) 

just like vishie, this was the last movie i watched and i think overall it was very fun? i found it very cute and entertaining in its world-building, as well as the visual design. also chen kun as qingming truly.....hits differently, wow. so it was hard to keep my cool about him because somehow he is way too stunning in my eyes. i also enjoyed the found family trope? it was very sweet. but as vishie noted too, the movie did not leave much place for the characters to develop properly so it would have deserved more time in that department. i was not that attached to any of them because the movie focused more on the plot happening than the character driven story. also funny how the yin yang master: dream of eternity was a wonderful gay feast while this movie just pulled the no homo card lol

currently reading: When The Light Of The World Was Subdued, Our Songs Came Through, A Norton Anthology of Native Nations Poetry (Ed. Joy Harjo, Leanne Howe, Jennifer Elise Foerster and more) 

i wished for this book for christmas and finally received it a few weeks ago. the past two years i’ve mostly been reading poetry (if you leave out readings for university) and i really want to educate myself on native cultures and their past. i think this is an amazing book that has a long introduction about its creation and the choices made on how the poems should be assembled. i love how so many different voices across geography, time and ages gets presented and i am excited to read more. apart from that, i am just waiting for uni taking up all my reading space again.

currently craving: a cold beer? 

since yesterday the weather has been so incredibly lovely and spring-like, i just want to go sit outside in the park or by the river and have a beer with someone. might do that tomorrow? i am feeling the holiday vibes. (also i am hungry so i should probably cook soon hmm)

current project: uni and fic ideas (and a fishtank?)

for uni i will need to hold a presentation about materiality in viennese modern designs during 1880-1930. i have this ceramic vessel by dagobert peche as my topic and i’m excited to dive into it because i am not well-versed in viennese art in general? and from what i’ve seen from his designs he took a lot of inspiration from japanese ceramics and chinese brush paintings which fits me past studies. also the question of materiality has never been the biggest focus in my studies so i am curious what will come of it, especially since our course leader wants to get us into the exhibition and hold the presentation in front of the actual object, which i have never done before (thanks covid).

i have some fic ideas which i want to get into but right now they are more vague concepts - i’ve been doing some research on korea during the 1880s-1890s for some very loosely dorian gray inspired au, but let’s see if this will take any reasonable shape. i’m also thinking about more wen ning & song lan content and maybe, possibly, some wen kexing character study? let’s see. am slowly getting back to writing and i am lowkey proud. 

and yes, i want to get a fishtank in our flat. i am so ready to have one again and my flatmates agreed so there is nothing standing in my way

current mood: tired but content

i overslept my first alarm today so i had a very stressful morning (it usually takes ages for me to get out of bed) and i did most of my first lecture but then decided to ditch it to hang out with my flatmates which was the best decision tbh. i also skipped the second lecture to hang out with them and go on a walk later to enjoy sunshine? so i think this day was very much successful on the social part. i even had ice cream. 

current wish: for my writing to return from war

i’ve lamented about this for the past few months on here, but it truly is weighing down my heart a lot. i just miss writing okay. i know i shouldn’t be hard on myself and accept that i need a break too, because indeed - i can’t force it and there is no need in beating myself up. but it still hurts because there is always something missing. i think the past two weeks i have been feeling a little bit more ready to return to it? though i truly need to be understanding with myself if it doesn’t work as i want it to. 

currently learning: materiality, persian book art and queer theory

as mentioned above, i have one course about materiality in arts, crafts and designs, focused on 1880-1930 vienna. i am also attending a lecture about persian book art from the 14th century onwards, though i have taken so many lectures with this professor already, i feel like he is repeating himself so much? i hope i will learn something new at least, so far it feels like i’m hearing the topics for the third time. and then i have a lecture about queer theory which is exactly my crowd - the people, the professor and the discussions give me so much and bring all these topics that i think about in my free time into a theoretical and scientific realm? so it’s nice to study these things in a systematic way - as systematic as it’s possible with a topic such as queer theory. this lecture just makes me feel seen and also allows me to get a broader sense of understanding how these studies developed.

something that makes you proud: my niemo oneshot  and my social activities

last week i wrote a short snippet for nie huaisang/mo xuanyu and it was the first time i had written in ages? so i feel very proud of it. and something i have been proud of lately is that i manage to be socially active a lot without feeling like all my energy has been sucked out of me? i am genuinly having fun being with people - of course it exhausts me a lot and i take breaks, but all in all it truly got easier socialising ever since i started taking my meds. my anxiety levels aren’t as high as they used to be and it helps me appreciate the presence of other people in a completely new way. this allows me not to feel like i am running away when i take time for myself. 

if you’ve read all of this, thank you! this was a fun little something 

#nice #i just came from a walk and thought yes #this is the perfect thing to do before i cook something #thank you for tagging me despite knowing most of it already lol #personal #tag game

[goblin-gardens]

Summer Book Sprint!

I've mostly moved into my tiny house, but my wifi situation is not quite stable yet. So, instead of constantly streaming podcasts and shows (I got back into CR for EXU only to lose it again...) I've read more books this week than I have for all of 2020!

I feel like documenting this unusual productivity. So, here's what we've got so far. I started light with a fantasy/historical fiction and then a whole deluge of modern romcoms.

For each book I am recording: a) how many times did I cry? b) how queer is the story? c) was I compelled to be a goblin and stay up way too late or read at work when I should have been doing other down-time tasks like shelfreading the DVDs? d) overall rating out of 11 stars and e) do I recommend it and to whom?

Titles and ratings under the cut, so I don't decimate anyone's dash.

Written in the Stars by Alexandria Bellefleur

A cotton candy read, sweet and fluffy, quick and impermanent. Definitely fun, but this one didn't leave much of an impression on me tbh. Very online humor from Elle, I've definitely seen some of her jokes before as tumblr posts, and that didn't super work for me. It did manage to make me invested in reading about characters solving an escape room, so kudos there. I was excited by the blurbs calling it gay modern Pride & Prejudice..... it is NOT that, but it is good at what it is! Times Cried: 2. It does a good job of getting into the heads of the POV characters, and I definitely was rooting for them. Was It Queer: Yeah! Was I A Goblin: Not really. I was able to keep it in my bag until my lunch break without much issue. Overall: 6 stars out of 11. Fun, sexy, sweet, quickly over. Cotton candy, whipped cream, you get it. I'd recommend this to readers who: Think naming a character Darcy makes this a modern Pride & Prejudice?? (that is, like Darcy's roiling sexual frustration under his uptight demeanor more than his feudal land-lording skills). Were very online in 2015, but in a Pintrest way. Want a tall girl to make a spreadsheet and fuck them on it.

The Ex Talk by Rachel Lynn Solomon

I have Very Strong Opinions about my local NPR affiliate, so this was very fun for me. The sexist boss stuff was a little heavy-handed, and the Orcas Island bit and The Confession felt contrived enough to take me out of the story a little, but the characters were so well-built and compelling that I stuck it out for them. Times Cried: 1, but I did laugh a lot. Was It Queer: No. Was I A Goblin: Yes, I was almost late back from my lunch break because I had to read another chapter. Overall: 7 out of 11 stars. Clever setting, strong main characters, truly funny dialog. I'd recommend this to readers who: Would love to listen to a podcast about two exes giving relationship advice in real life. Love a good old-fashioned sexist man gets his comeuppance storyline. Have been personally victimized by public radio donation drives.

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V. E. Schwab

Best book I read this week. Really well-handled magic that is revealed and explored in a very engaging way. I did think it was sort of silly that a practically immortal character would stay only in Europe/the US for 300 years, many of which had international flight, but that's more of a nitpick than a true plot hole. Times Cried: A chart-topping 7! Was It Queer: While both of the main characters are bi/pan, and there are a number of queer supporting characters..... the story does not feel very queer to me. It doesn't explore queerness or queer topics, it's just about characters who are queer. There were some missed chances, I guess, especially in the gender department. Was I A Goblin: I didn't even have a chance to take this to work, because I read it all in one sitting and went to bed after 1 because I couldn't put it down. Peak goblin behavior. Overall: 9 stars out of 11. Engaging, mysterious, interesting world and compelling characters. I'd recommend this to readers who: Want art history courses that are just juicy gossip about the lives of Renaissance painters. Think lawyers are sexy when they find loopholes in copyright contracts. Are monsterfuckers but in the straight way, where they love an attractive white man who sometimes turns into smoke and mostly because they want to be special to him when he's Capital E Evil to everyone else.

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuinston

Turns out, books that get fantastic ratings from both big-name publications and the bookblrs I follow tend to be very good! A great cast of characters, heart-string pulling love letters, dramatic speeches... this has got it all. Times Cried: 4. Add Henry to the list of fictional characters I need to hug and make hot cocoa for. Was It Queer: Hell yeah! Was I A Goblin: Oh, absolutely. Overall: 9 out of 11 stars. Honestly just a joy to read. Engaging start, darling middle, uplifting end. I'd recommend this to readers who: Think West Wing should get a sexy reboot with a younger, queerer cast. Appreciate the value of an annotated bibliography when sexting. Love a good supportive sibling dynamic.

First Comes Like by Alisha Rai This fake-dating drama just keeps escalating, but in an authentic and easy way. The side characters feel a little under-utilized, but only because there's so many and each one is interesting. Times Cried: 1. Mostly I was having too good a time! Was It Queer: Not as a focus. Was I A Goblin: Yes indeed. Overall: 7 out of 11 stars. Funny, fast-paced and full of twists. I'd recommend this to readers who: Think the sexiest things a man can do are respect women and be a good dad. Loves sisters loving sisters. Figure if they've dug themselves a hole, they might as well keep going till they hit gold.

#books! #personal #book review #in the loosest sense of the word #summer book sprint

[novelconcepts]

Oh boy...I said I would be back later with more squeals but truly I find myself a little speechless, and a fair bit teary-eyed. Your talent astounds me. I've read so so much fanfic over the years from good to bad to wonderful but and you my friend are on another level. I am so incredibly particular about AUS but I love your writing so much I knew I would at the very least enjoy it. What I did not expect was how I would be dragged into the wee hours of the morning unable to stop myself from devouring this beautiful, beautiful story with these characters who still feel so true and right even in a completely different world. I feel like a little kid again who just stayed up way to late on a school night reading the new release of their favorite series because it feels like an adventure and like coming home all at once. And you have made me cry plenty with your fics from heartbreak, but these tears are of the completely happy sort.

Some lines that were so incredible I had to put my phone down for a moment to process:

1. "Muddy it, Dani thinks inexplicably. Mark it up, I don’t care, just do something to prove you were here." I had to actively suppress a gasp so as not to wake my sleeping girlfriend at this one. I don't quite have the words as to why, but it really struck a chord in me.

2. "Me. I think she’ll see me. And could there be a more terrifying concept?" Dani looking in the mirror and grappling with the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known? Fantastic.

3. "What kind of existence would that be, to feel so brave and so free as to not care what anyone would think if they saw Jamie on her knees in the sunshine, eyes closed, lips pressed to skin and scar and everything that makes up the story of Dani’s entire life?" This one made me cry. I just feel like for me it so fully captured that queer experience when you have lived so long repressing these parts of yourself and you finally start to imagine a world where you don't have to do that anymore and man I just...it got me.

(I love how I said I was speechless and then proceeded to bombard you with a novel)

Anyways I'm sorry this is so long and incoherent and probably entirely Too Much. I just mostly wanted to say you rock and thank you.

I presume (and if incorrectly, I apologize) this is the same anon who sent this:

Ok just barely into your new fic, (which when I saw you had posted I could hardly make it through the rest of my work day I was so excited), and just stopping by to say that "Jamie. You're waiting on a Jamie" made me literally squeal. Thank you that is all for now, will return later with far more squealing I am sure!!!

And I want you to know waking up to long messages of joy like this is one of my favorite things about writing fic. The idea of anyone enjoying the stuff I write even half as much as some of the comments and messages y’all send is absolutely staggering, and I’m so, so glad. By all means, novel away. It’s wonderful every time.

#ask #kind writing words #I’m really glad people are digging it even though it’s an AU #I’ve been hesitant to delve into AUs too deeply with these two #but now that the gate’s open there will likely be more to follow so...I’m glad the overall characterization and such is still working

[studiohailstorm]

Unsolicited advice to parents of Disabled kids

I woke up this morning processing a lot of medical trauma and feeling a REALLY strong impulse to share some unsolicited advice for non-disabled parents/caregivers of Disabled kiddos. I actually wrote this for twitter but couldn't figure out how to format it so I thought I'd start by sharing it here.  I have a hunch this post might rub some folks the wrong way and I'm a perfectionist who wants everyone to like me but I'm gonna try and be brave and share anyway. Hopefully this will be useful to at least one person!

You might be like, 'ok haley, but who the heck are you and why should I listen to you abt this' and that's reasonable! I am not a child psychologist. I'm an OI (type V) adult (turned 30 this year!) who's worked with children for 17 years, and I have non-disabled parents. Ok let's start with 10 points in no particular order...

1.Stop praising your Disabled kid (directly or to other people) for being "positive," especially around medical procedures or painful experiences. While it may seem harmless to you, it trains your kid to suppress their extremely valid responses to pain for other people's comfort. Your kid should get to feel however they feel about whatever medical shit they're going through. Validate whatever feelings are coming up for them instead of constantly asking them to stay positive or be brave.

Anecdote: a kiddo I was babysitting cut his finger open when we were doing a project, and he was absolutely freaking out (understandably!). After we handled it and he was feeling better, I said to him "I'm so glad you're feeling better. You were super brave.”He said "because I didn't cry... that much?" (He cried a lot). I said "No! It's still brave if you cry!! You were brave for getting through it, and for sharing how you felt about it. You were brave for crying. It was scary and it makes sense to cry when you're scared."

2. Relatedly, protect your kid from other people relentlessly praising them for their positivity. Look up the late Stella Young's (badass OIer, btw!) talk "I'm not your inspiration, thank you very much." Allow your kid the dignity of being a complex human being with lots of different feelings.

3. I see a lot of social media posts in this realm, where parents post pictures of their Disabled kid in the hospital goin thru shit, with an inspiring caption. I get that this might help *you* process your feelings about that, but ask yourself how would it feel to be in your kid's position. How would it feel if your body was photographed at its most vulnerable, and your trauma was posted on social media for all to comment on?Having a kid going through medical procedures is traumatic for their grown-ups too, and sharing is probably cathartic for you: try sharing with a private text thread of close friends and family, instead of... literally everyone.

4. You, grown-up, are going through the ongoing traumatizing experience of having to fight for your kid in the medical realm and coordinate their care. It's a lot. Your feelings are valid too. AND…I truly believe that it will serve both yours and your kid's well-being for you to process that shit in therapy, if you have access to that. It should be a top priority.

5. Do you have Disabled adults in your life? Do you have Disabled friends? Do you follow Disabled activists and organizers on social media? Do you (and your kids) watch shows and movies with Disabled characters (played by Disabled actors?), read books by Disabled authors? If so (amazing), do the Disabled people in your life span across other intersections of identity -- are you in relationship with BIPOC, queer, poor Disabled folks, for example? Do you recognize that Disability intersects with other facets of identity in complex ways? Do the advocacy (/charity) groups and organizations you follow and participate in have Disabled leadership? If no, ask why not. Also, seek out advocacy groups with Disabled leadership.

6. Some non-disabled grown-ups of Disabled kiddos do their best to seek out a Disabled 'mentor' for their kid. Which is amazing and super well-intentioned. But imho if *you* don't model that *you* cherish and value Disabled adults in *your* life, that mentorship is likely to fall flat once your kid starts to internalize the ableism that the culture is constantly throwing at them.

7. Examine and work to uproot your own Ableism. (We all have it). Google "Disability Justice."

8. Recognize that your kid might be experiencing physical pain even if they aren't naming that. I think a lot of my tantrums and my resistance to bedtime (which are also just normal for all kids) involved the additional layer of physical pain / not wanting to be alone with pain.

9. Fiercely resist body-shaming in *all* forms, and start with yourself. Model what it is like to heal your own body-shame and develop a respectful and loving relationship with your own body. Model that all bodies are different, all bodies have needs, all bodies are worthy.

10. Relatedly, help your kid develop curiosity, joy within, and agency around their own body. Help them name what is happening in their body in positive moments as well as more painful/negative ones. Express to them that their body is THEIRS. Practice consent. When consent is breached (as it almost always is in medical settings with children), honor the trauma of that.

If you read to the end... CONGRATULATIONS! Even just having the courage to read and consider advice from a Disabled adult about your parenting is a big deal, and I don't mean that in a sarcastic or condescending way. I get that parenting is the hardest job in the world, and I know that you love your kid so fiercely.  Sending love!

#raisingDisabledKids #parentingAdvice #DisabledAndProud #Disability #DisabilityPride #KidsWithDisabilities #parenting FaerieGodmother

[carriagelamp]

February 2020 Book Review

The Last Wish / Sword Of Destiny

Let’s start with the books that currently have me in a stranglehold. I apologize to everyone that actually follows me and watched me descend into fandom pits but whatcha gonna do. So, I was aware of the video game when it came out, but not being a prolific gamer I was intrigued but never bothered getting into it. Then the Netflix series came out, and I was again intrigued... but I suck at sitting down and watching shows. So what the heck I decided, it’s probably mediocre hypermasculine high fantasy but let’s try a book to see what the fuss is all about.

Good god. Guys. It’s real good. And so fucking different from the show. Geralt is actually a really emotional, well-meaning guy who’s starved for positive social interactions and is just trying to do his best. And the books’ consistent themes of colonialism, environmental destruction, forced extinction, and changing eras is... chilling and fascinating and honestly a little too relatable at times. These books have made me laugh and shout and frankly sob. Still a little sexist, cause 90s fantasy, but Geralt is so not the gruff, heartless, manly man character I thought he would be. I am so deeply into these and have just cracked the spine of the next book in the series. If you like high fantasy, I can’t recommend these enough.

The Silver Eyes

I just learnt that there were Five Nights At Freddy’s books, and honestly picked this up from the library as a joke for my brother. We’d played the games back when they first came out, and were into the lore, but lbr they’re more of a meme at this point. Anyway, we ended up reading this out loud to each other, a chapter a night, and I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would. Probably wouldn’t have liked it as much on my own, but the main character was complicated and messy, and the book’s way or portraying trauma was neat. It was nominally horror, and did have the occasional chilling moment, or times it was fun to speculate, it over all it was pretty run of the mill middle grade fiction.

FRNK

Probably the best graphic novel I’ve read this month. 

I was howling with laughter while I read it. Good quality Belgium comics, always a treat. This story is about a modern day boy, Frank, who is accidentally thrown back into prehistoric times, where he’s stuck with a bunch of cavemen who haven’t invented the concept of vowels yet. Admittedly my French isn’t great, so it made trying to decipher words with half the letters missing a challenge to say the least, but plenty worth it. I really want to get my hands on book two. I believe there’s an English translation, and I’d recommend giving it a try.

Best Friends

A neat little graphic novel that addresses common growing up issues, about what it means to be friends, stay friends, how to cope with people changing and when it’s time to walk away. Anxiety, being yourself, fitting in, all that sort of stuff. It’s a quick read, very pleasant, and has nice art.

Karen’s Witch

Another cute graphic novel with charming art. I read this at the store while I was waiting for a prescription to be filled. It’s about this five year old (or thereabouts) who is absolutely determined that her neighbour is a witch and by god she is going to prove it or at least scare herself and her friend silly in the process. A fun little read!

Endling: The First

The second book in the Endling series, and all my praise for the first book apply here as well. A super unique high fantasy that gives extinct and threatened species a voice. The book explore themes of war, environmental destruction, sacrifice and loss. You really get to see how much Byx has grown and how much she needs to continue to grow. This book has me so excited for the third, I haven’t read such an emotionally rewarding quest novel in a long time.

Bleach

I found out my library has a billion books of this series and decided to jump into it again for the first time in over a decade. Honestly it’s even better than I remembered? The art is absolutely stunning, Ichigo is such a power fantasy hero, and it’s one of those series with a lot of really loveable characters and a lot of heart. Ichigo is a good guy who you actually feel good liking, which can’t be said for all shonen protags by any means. This is just such a classic and it holds up man. And if you like manga and have never read it? Jump in and enjoy a normal human getting supernatural powers and kicking absolutely enormous monsters’ asses.

Dinotopia: Sabertooth Mountain

This was my favourite Dinotopia book as a kid, and it was still fun to reread. The world of Dinotopia is one separate from the rest of the world, where humanity lives in perfect harmony with many prehistoric creatures that have managed to survive and evolve on the island of Dinotopia. This story is about a crisis brewing, as the sabertooths are cut off from their food supply and are in danger of not only starving but of bringing death to the rest of the mountain as well. While surveying the situation with his older sister, the main character finds himself falling from the airship in the middle of a storm, directly into the valley of starving sabertooths.

I read a bunch of this author’s graphic novels, and they are such feel-good queer lit. This was probably my favourite of the lot, but I also read Tea Dragon Society, Aquicorn Cove, and Princess Princess Ever After. Taking place in a picturesque mountain community, it’s about a girl meeting a guardian dragon who accidentally fell asleep in the mountains a century ago rather than watch over the village like intended. It’s about coming to terms with and loving yourself (and also about super cute little tea dragons).

Just Jaime

Another story that focuses on the complications of middle school, and how friends can grow and change, and when sometimes friendships become toxic and cruel. These are novel/graphic novel hybrids that are very visually appealing, and really do manage to tell very heartfelt stories. This one takes a side character from the earlier two books, and turns her from a very one dimensional, somewhat annoying character, into a fully realized person with her own issues and her own need for growth.

The Life-Changing Magic Of Tidying Up / The Life-Changing Manga Of Tidying Up

Given that I’m not really a non-fiction person and DEFINITELY not a self-help book person, I really enjoyed these (though I didn’t read Spark Joy). I read the manga first, out of curiosity, but enough of it struck true that I decided to try the book as well. Have I cleaned anything up yet? No. But honestly, I can genuinely say that despite being repetitive at points I do truly feel like I got a lot of good out of it, and I feel much more excited and prepared when I do decide to do a big clean next. It really does reframe the relationship you have with your belongings and with yourself. I genuinely love the concept of “sparking joy”.

Bigfoot Boy: The Sound Of Thunder

Technically the last book of the series, whoops. Though honestly having read it I didn’t feel like I missed that much. It’s a Canadian graphic novel and I had... mixed feelings about it. Interesting and exciting in some ways, but the pacing was odd, and honestly I don’t think indigenous voices went into making it (I could be wrong but...) and it reads as kinda... eugh. Problematic. Having a none indigenous author write about a white boy being the guardian of a first nation totem and turning into a bigfoot isn’t a super cool optic.

Bloodchild

I was told “hey this is a really fucked up short story” so I read it, and guess what? It was a really fucked up short story. Would recommend if you want weird alien sex slavery bullshit-- it was a wild ride. And the overall themes obviously went a lot deeper than that, but honestly, it’s like a few dozen pages long if you wanna dig into all the philosophical shit, just give it a read! Uh, heavy content warning, tw tw tw, but a really bizarre, unsettling look at gender and power dynamics and oppression through a scifi lens.

Mrs Frisby and the Rats of NIHM

I hadn’t read this book since elementary school so I reread it on a whim. It really is such a charming story. As far as animal stories go, this feels almost like the platonic ideal. Mother mouse is worried about her sick son and winds up compelled to seek out the mysterious rats who live in the rosebush for help, and is not only thrust into her own adventure but learns about the strange past her late husband shared with the rats of NIMH. It’s such a relaxing read, while still managing to be exciting and compelling.

Exploring According to Og the Frog

And one last animal story to round us off. I’d read one of the Humphrey books last month, and check out a couple more from the library for fun. I didn’t enjoy Mysteries According to Humphrey that much, but this one was charming, showing the world through Humphrey’s frog friend Og instead. The same charming type of adventure, but being a frog, Og has a very different attitude and view of the world, which was fun. Very cute elementary kid lit.

#book review #february book review #canadian lit #queer lit #the witcher #the last wish #sword of destiny #fnaf #five nights at freddy's #the silver eyes #frnck #endling #baby sitter's club #mrs frisby and the rats of nimh #bloodchild #octavia butler #marie kondo #just jaime #tea dragon festival #dinotopia #bleach #novels #manga #graphic novels #comics #chatter

[migleefulmoments]

So... Abby responds to her family's intervention by obediently telling them she'll stop (ie. lying to them). She then immediately tries to find ways to keep the blog in secret, hiding behind various usernames, lurking on her coven's blogs, more time deleting posts from both blogs we know about. Meaning, instead of getting help, she spends even MORE time online engaging in more batshit crazy crap to cover her ass. Yeah, sure, that doesn't signal dire need for mental health intervention AT ALL.

It looks like that is what is happening.  We will have to see what the future holds. What does Abby do? 

So far the fandom is flailing. Cassie got a couple of anons- one that reads like those anons Abby used to send herself as it covers all the issues they are most upset about so perfectly well (My comments in parenthesis and italicized:: 

Anonymous asked: Even if I am unsure about CC itself, I don't buy M*arr*n. I just don't. And the other side is using doxing and the fact that you and others say things they don't like about M as an excuse to do so and as a way to detract from the fact that their couple goals have some pretty big, glaring plot holes in their love story. I've not seen anyone on this side of the fandom out or dox anyone publicly as a way of humiliation. M gave up her privacy by dating D, but Abby didn't and they were wrong. Period. 

cassie1022 answered: Nonnie, I swear every time they diagnose us as mentally ill or say we’re bitter hags, an LGBTQ angel gets his or her wings. We all know my beliefs, but there are MANY people that are like you and don’t know for sure about CC but sure as hell know Miarren isn’t a normal, healthy relationship. (Funny thing, I don’t remember anyone diagnosing Cassie as mentally ill. Cassie is alwasy the wallflower that nobody wants to dance with and she tries so hard to be part of the fun people. Last week she was sad because I hadn’t sent her a “hate” message (See comment in last post below) 

Even if I remove D from the situation, I would still think M is a lazy, spoiled toddler with no discernable work ethic coupled with a superiority complex that rivals the Cheeto in Command of the US.

You are absolutely correct. Our fandom just wants to be left alone. We don’t send hateful asks to the other side. We don’t have to. They feel they have the right to dox CCers because they don’t like what we say about M, a woman that would light a cigarette from the flames engulfing them and not call 911 to help them. I mean, honestly, it doesn’t get much lower than mocking someone’s death. Plus, as you correctly said, M put herself in the spotlight “dating” D. If she didn’t want that attention, she would have stayed in the background. There are plenty of celebrities married to non famous people and we don’t see them at every event like we do M. (It is BAFFLING to me that they can’t comprhend something as simple and obvious as the reasaon they “see Mia everywhere” is because they fucking stalk her and they hyperanalzye every photo Darren is in looking for her. If they started stalking Ben Feldman they would see his wife just as much as they see Mia).    

Bottom line is what they did to Abby was deplorable, but, just like their kween, they feel justified in doing whatever they want. This isn’t the first time they’ve crossed a line with regards to my friend, but it was the worst.

notes-from-nowhere Anon, they love to throw the guilt of their actions on our shoulders, it’s how they justify what they do to themselves. They need us to be the bad guys otherwise what is the only option left? (I never know what the hell Notes is trying to say- throw the guilt of our actions on their shoulders? I’d love an example of that. I can’t imagine what guilty action I put on their shoulder. As for needing them to be the bad guys or what do we have left? OMFG are you kidding me? We critcize the cc fandom for being misogynistic, homophobic, bullies who attack  Mia, Darren, Ricky and their own Nonnies. They have viscioulsy attacked people in their own fandom who dared to question them. But the biggest reason we push back is because THEY LIE. All the damn time. So what do we have left? Being on the right side, being correct, not lying, not needing to lie, and the joy of watching Darren live his best life)   

Leka got a couple of asks but her answers were weak, confusing and pointless. It’s clear she isn’t ready to take over as their leader. She repeated Abby’s main talking points, tried to use big words to sound smarter and basically ended up not making a lot of sense:

Anonymous asked: I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but I think the character on the HW poster holding the girl is D's character, it would fit if you look at the other guys on the poster, maybe this is already the first hint to show D's character is not gay and so technically not breaking the no more queer roles rule his team set for him. It won't make it any better because it's still a career on the bag of LGBTQ+ people with it's teams but it's technically not a broken rule. I just really need for things to change, I want them to so bad, it kills me seeing someone so kind in a situation like that, and I truly believe D is one of the kindest people in that horrible town. He deserves better than M, I wouldn’t even mind if he goes onto another beard but she and RR just need to go. I really think it’s crazy people still think everything HW is real and PR relationships don’t exist, I wished that place was just better and had a moral compass, people deserve more it kind of shows just how jaded this situation has made me, I can’t even enjoy amazing promo material without directly twisting it into something negative, I don’t want to be this way and if I feel like this I can’t even imagine how D must feel. He is stronger than I’ll ever be living through hell every day, even if he’s not ok he’s still here and holding on, I don’t know if I could in his position. Sorry for the long message and the unneeded negativity, I guess I just had to vent a little

*********************************

Leka answered: So let’s look at the way HW is described:

“Each character offers a unique glimpse behind the gilded curtain of Hollywood’s Golden Age, spotlighting the unfair systems and biases across race, gender and sexuality that continue to this day. Provocative and incisive, HOLLYWOOD exposes and examines decades-old power dynamics, and what the entertainment landscape might look like if they had been dismantled.”

I do consider this the very intriguing thing about the news. (And it just goes to show that believing everything you’re sold is being utterly and completely ignorant.) Let’s say you’re right because ofc it’s possible. How does R/aymond fit in here? Given the excessive way team shit has pushed that article, a technicality won’t be good enough. There has to be a better plan. This doesn’t match what’s been said in his name.

What I think is this doesn’t necessarily have to mean much. You know very well what you see doesn’t have to be the (full) truth. That doesn’t just apply to the real HW. Especially considering the time period of this show. And let’s not forget the pap pics we got at a gas station. This doesn’t rule out SB as an inspiration. I would advise anyone to read up on him. We don’t know at this point. As we keep saying, the best thing to do is to wait and see. I’m certainly interested in finding out more.

As time goes on, the danger of this situation keeps becoming even clearer to me. D deserves much, much better. He’s incredibly strong, but the most toxic person in his life needs to go and she’s more than welcome to take the jumping jackass with her. That’s definitely the most important thing right now. (I’m curious what the danger of Hollywood is?)

awesome-fanfictionada: @leka-1998I’m just wondering - it must have been D who got himself this job on HW, right? Couldn’t this have been done on purpose to counter that ridiculous statement - which wasn’t even accurate, if the source was that interview where he stated that he wouldn’t want to be a casting director? Could in this case RM be a friend?

leka-1998:  @awesome-fanfictionada Yes, he did that himself. Again. And he said the show’s been sold late in 2018. According to an article that came out later, it happened in February 2019. Not true.

HW has been a thing before that statement was made, which is indeed very different from the answer D himself gave during the interview. That’s what makes the article seem like sabotage by team shit. And standing in RM’s way is never a good idea. So while I will obviously never like him, I’m reserving judgment on his current role until we know more.

Anonymous asked: The underlying issue in general is really that social media has made it so people think they get an accurate glimpse into the lives of celebrities, when in reality social media, like everything else that is publicly released about them, is used as a marketing tool. People are actually more inauthentic than they've ever been because they feel pressure to maintain a certain image for social media at all times. So anyone who decides D is living honestly, it's because they want to believe he is.

Leka: True, nonnie. Just look at the text lines that are becoming more popular again. Not nearly as genuine as people want to believe. In D’s case, what has to be brought up? M. Oh Halloween and her amazing shopping skills praised on SM. The work fam honeymoon pic promoting the place they stayed at. Coa/chella for the H&M ad. Mardi Gras posted shortly after the mockery to promote the designer. I could obviously go on. Most of what we see on SM shows the person the 10 year crew wants him to be. And what looks like a split personality if you compare certain posts. Which brings me back to ‘they want to believe’, as what you’re saying clearly isn’t a secret. Anyone can choose to ignore it but at this point, if that’s the case even though you’re more or less paying attention, it’s really a conscious decision.

Oh btw, there’s a HW IG account now and it already has a D follow. Imagine that. R/oyalties co-stars, anyone?

Flowers didn’t get any asks. Amazing since she has more followers than I do and she bragged about getting more “notes” than me.  She did answer azscc who posted an odd rant that baffles me.  Who the fuck is azscc and who is posting anything about her? I realize I am not the only person in this fandom posting about ccers But I just checked all the blogs that I know of and nobody is talking about her; 

azsc  its so weird how chillarrens call me a bully while i only say something rude towards them if they write bullshit towards me. and its just ironic how chillarrens go around calling people bullies while they are the reason why tons of cc accounts use their accounts private or don’t post their opinions and etc. the real threat to the fandom are people like you. so instead of going around throwing shit on people and calling them “mental, delusional...” get a life. no cc believer goes around hunting for chillarren pics and insult the account owner so why don’t you all grow up and realize no one has to agree with your opinions. every crisscolfer blog/twitter page/insta acc basically stan accs never asked for your opinions on their pages so why don’t you just let it go? no one cares about what you all say or do so why are you forcing it this much?

call me a bully i am pretty much okay with that. its obvious that people are unable to understand basic sarcasm and irony and i am not judging because to actually understand what people say you have to at least have an average IQ level. and if you don’t have it, it’s okay but that doesn’t mean you can twist people’s words and post them all over the internet. but its lowkey really funny that i only had my instagram acc for something like 4/5 months and i received over 300 hate/insult/blackmail/death wish messages and etc. and who are you people to call us bullies? (Nobody is a Chillarren. Darren and Mia are married and Chris and Will are in a long-term relationsihp,  Nobody has to “ship” them in order to believe they are together. In America, we accept that when someone introduces their wife or their boyfriend they are telling the truth. It is customary to address that person as their wife or boyfriend respectively. The crisscolfers on the other hand, must use a fandom ship name because they are shipping two people who are not in a relationship and never were. All evidence indicates Chris and Darren are no long friends; they are nothing more than former co-workers-friendly and polite when they see one another but no longer involved in one another’s lives. Chris and Darren both have denied (more than once) that the were ever in a relationship).  .   

flowersintheattic254 I have never in my whole time here posted an anon to a Miarren account. I have no desire to. I’m confident in my beliefs.

The interesting thing for me is that I’ve been here for about four years now and in that time I’ve seen the head of the fandom disappear, other people disappear because their families have been doxed, established long-term cc blogs with a wealth of history deleted without warning. I myself have had my daughters threatened.  This sort of stuff doesn’t happen anywhere in the fandom but here here. If we are a bunch of delusional crazy middle-aged women then this shouldn’t happen. (Who was doxed? Who dissappered? It’s all “liar liar” with everything ccers say. In the last 4 years Abby has been the only leader of the cc fandom. Michelle left between 4 and 5 years ago because her outrageious cc comments threatened her ability to raise money for her little Klaine-fanfic rip-off movie. I vaguely remember someone asking flowers how her daugther’s would feel if they read what she writes- hardly a threat. If there was something more she never posted any proof. As for blogs being deleted- so was D-Criss News.  It happens. The only cc blog that I know of that disappeared was DisneyPrincessModelWorld’s original blog which had was a hot mess of lies and catfishing. She visciously bullied Mia. Hardly someone to mourn their blog being deleted). 

It’s shocking that an actor may lgbt causes such drama. (HUH?)

Flower’s comment is so disingenuous. While it is technically true -she hasn’t sent me anons, she HAS instead publically ridiculed me and frankly, I can’t see how that is any different? I’d say it’s worse because they wanted their followers to see what they wrote and the only way to ensure that is to post it on their blogs. Flowers and Abby posted many public “Michy” posts.  Here is her most recent: 

flowersintheattic254Oh and I guess Michy sent us all some hate today.

I guess I have way more followers than you and only about 4 that send hate. You haven’t for ages.

I think I have over 70,000 hits currently to my blog. I must be saying something interesting.

He’s been married allegedly for a year and people still doubt. That’s gotta hurt you. Anyway......

✌️

ajw720 Michy told me today today that the outing couldn’t possibly be promo, because JS was only cast in September!  What a moron who clearly doesn’t know how HW works.  Sweetheart, it was ANNOUNCED in September;)

I was waiting for a few more months, but in 4 years, since i have been tracking, i have almost a million! (976,695 to be precise).

It is amazing that so many people care about what us bat shit crazy, irrelevant, psychologically unstable, threatening, hateful tin hats have to say!  And that does not include people reading on their dash or that hit you on the app!  So yep, Michy, clearly what we are saying is being monitored by someone.  And clearing making people think!! But you keep wasting your time writing for your audience of 4:)

cassie102 I feel left out, Michy didn't come at me today. Must hurt like hell knowing you're a joke that perpetuates a bigger joke.

leka-1998 Birds of a fake feather flock together. When the right person says tomorrow’s Christmas, tomorrow’s Christmas. Get ready, everyone.

If I narrow it down to the last six months, about 10,000 btw. Hm strange.

flowersintheattic254 @ajw720 the number of hits you have give me oxygen. If Michy thinks they are haters then she is delusional. People know when they are being sold something fake and they look for answers.

[notsoaveragjoe]

#1 Hello World

Hello, cruel world. It is the middle of the night and I have made the decision to take the leap into what will hopefully be the continuation of the personal journey of a boy who has been lost for too many seasons. As I near the end of my BA in Music Performance and World Music, I stand before a critical crossroad between my world in small-town Ohio and the beginning of the rest of my life. It is WILD to me that in less than a year, I will have a bachelors degree, no job prospects, lots of debt, and an even stronger, more intimate connection to the sonic world than I ever imagined possible. By the way, my name is Joe and this late night post is sponsored by Lana Del Ray, Sesame Chicken, and Tanqueray and Raspberry LaCroix.

Setting the Stage:  Tonight, I find myself 400 miles from home in the middle of a sort of internship/ sort of research fellowship... situation? -- Let me explain.

Before I get to that, I find it worth mentioning that the inspiration of starting this blog came from a dear friend of mine from high school, Keni. Though we are not very close anymore, she has always been a young woman who I have looked up to and admired for her strength and effervescent personality. So, go follow her blog, or don’t. I’m not your mother.

This spring, I was awarded a prestigious fellowship through my school which is giving me the opportunity to study a new style of music: Appalachian Old-Time (new to me, at least). As part of my proposal, I desired to learn how to play the banjo, connect with old-time musicians, and research the forgotten experience of the African Americans from whom the tradition was (partially) appropriated from. I traveled North for my first interactions with the community with my new instrument and to meet some of the people who would become my mentors. Now, I am in Washington D.C., doing an internship that is turning out not to be what I had hoped. I am also conducting individual research at various libraries and museums and am drowning in data. I am also trying to keep up with my saxpohone-ing, and attempting to implement a self-care regimen that I will be able to keep up when I enter my last 2 semesters of college.

Earlier today, I was doing some research in the Library of Congress’s main reading room. Though I had been there many times, I am still constantly astounded at the sheer beauty and size of the hall. Though I have spent most of my research time in other rooms, the smaller reading rooms that I frequent are sadly closed on the weekends. After my journey through tourist traps, 3 levels of security, and a few strange looks from other, much older library patrons, my anxiety finally settled itself as I began my descent into the state blissful ecstasy that only comes from room full of old books.

Just kidding. The truly old books are kept underground in a storage facility, and I was mostly scanning articles for later use, but you get my point. During my moments of clarity between books, articles, and whenever someone sneezed, I would occasionally glance up for inspiration as my jaw would drop to the floor in awe of where I actually was.

God am I such a lucky boy to be where I am today.

Then I remind myself of the sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, and hundreds of pages of reading and writing that got me where I was.

God am I such a lucky hardworking boy to be where I am today.

I was truly proud of myself because even though I am still figuring out how to use the collections, I was able to confidently navigate my way from my apartment in Maryland all the way to the main reading room without the help of a map of any kind. I even gave a few tourists directions to with total confidence- A truly astounding accomplishment for my anxious self. This is especially astounding because I heard a woman say “I don’t think we should go over there because everyone has an ID badge that way”, which made me chuckle a bit. However, it also started a snowball of thoughts:

“Why do I wear my intern id from a different government org when navigating the halls?

What possessed me to think that it was a good idea to wear long sleeves, khakis, and leather oxfords on a humid Saturday in Washington D.C. in JULY?!?!

Why did I stop wearing the bright colors that bring my joy?

How dare I feel knowledgable enough of the maze that is the Library of Congress tunnels and tourists' needs to interrupt them and offer directions to a room that I only found for the first time literally yesterday?

What the hell am I doing at 21 years old with a fellowship, when I actually have no clue what I’m doing?

Why do I not feel deserving of the opportunities that I have earned?

“It is crushing to realize that I have lived in the academic bubble these last 3 years where I am *mostly* not being judged by my skin color or sexual orientation only to be thrust into a city where these issues are not only very real, but personally hurtful. I myself have even caught myself glaring at other people of various demographics while taking part in this judgmental culture. Being a midwestern, queer, man of color, I realized that I have subconsciously made these changes to my behavior, dress, and language in order to pass as a non-threatening, older-than-I-look, more-put-together-than-I-actually-am academic. I flaunt the little knowledge that I do have to others to prove to myself that I am doing alright, even though I am only a few-hours-of-wandering-around more familiar with the building than they. Hopefully I helped them out and did not come across as condescending. This is something that I need to work on as I continue.”

Immediately following these thoughts, I then remind myself, “It’s okay to be happy and confident with where you are today, even if you only just got here today.”

Breathe, Joe. Your brain is just mean sometimes

I am proud of how far I have come in order to have this dialogue within myself without loosing my cool. I am proud that I have found something that I genuinely enjoy and am able to guide my independent learning experience in a productive direction. I want to be happy that I was willing to helped a confused family as much as I could. I hope that I arrive to a place where I do not feel the need to change my appearance and actions to ‘prove’ to myself and others that I am well adjusted to my current environment.

After a cup of iced coffee at one of my favorite coffee shops in town, a brief walk around Columbia Heights, and evening plans with friends falling through, I began my long journey home which eventually brought me to this lovely moment in time.

I could write for ages about my current projects, internship, and city experiences, but that will have to wait for my next big post.

Now, lets start the fade-out with a song from a new album which I thoroughly enjoy, In Love Again- Mannequin Pussy

If you made it this far, Thank You for taking the time to read the words that decided to leave my brain. As this blog continues to develop, I will try to use my musical knowledge to curate a soundscape that will hopefully add another layer of understanding my special brand of crazy on any given day. The first song linked in the title paragraph was Lana Del Ray’s Cruel World followed by Wilkommen, from my favorite musical (at the moment), Cabaret. This blog in no way will accurately represent my whole existence, nor should it. Here in my little corner of the internet, I hope to plant a garden of pure and unadulterated personal expression. Even if this blog showcases the confused person that I actually am, it is my hope that this will become a log of the stages of my thoughts on music, life, and all of the anxiety and fear that comes from the level up to real ‘adult’ status.

Peace and Love,

MoJo JoJo

#Notsoaveragjoe #mojo jojo #library of congress #things #personal #banjosaxophone #music #fellowship #life #anxiety #music is life #musicology #folk music #tourists #summer 2019 #mental health #mentally tired #adulting #Washington DC

[tinyarmyofqueerfolkwrites]

Thank You, Taylor Swift

So, I’m going to put this under a cut, just given the sensitive nature of the post, and the fact it’s really long.

The very short, trigger free version, is that it’s a love letter to @taylorswift after listening to Lover for what feels like the millionth time and specifically why I relate so much to Soon You’ll Get Better. The part that references cancer, depression, and death is warned about with a clear, visible end. So it won’t just come up on anyone who reads this.

I’m not a big believer in finding romantic love. I’ve seen very little of it in my life, my parents have been fighting for as long as I can remember and that kind of darkness seems to have plagued my life. But that isn’t say I don’t believe it exists. I’m a writer and I have seen my characters fall in love. I have written love of all kinds, from platonic, to familial, to yes, even romantic love. As easy as it is written, it is infinitely harder to find, in my opinion.

I can say I’ve never been romantically in love. And that’s okay for me, for right now. I’m in a dark place in my life, have been for far longer than I sometimes want to think about, but I’m still moving. Part of why I’m still moving is because of my friends, of my chosen family, of the people who have been in my life to love me and to keep me going. That love means a lot to me. And so does this album.

It’s Nice To Have A Friend, as romantic as it ends, reminds me of the first friend I can truly say I could have loved romantically. He was my best friend from the ages of 11 to 17. He meant the entire world to me. We dated, sort of. It was secret and in the background, but he was there when my world first started falling apart. The song itself is sweet and soft and nice. It reminds me of Mary’s Song, which had been one of my favorite songs of the self titled album. Because, above all else, I love hearing about other people in love. 

Another song that reminds me of Nick, unfortunately, is Death By A Thousand Cuts. I spent a lot of time wrapped around his memory. Because he disappeared from my life. It was this weird period of my life and it hurt. I ended up losing a lot of people I thought were my friends, so to lose him too was too much. It hurt less because I loved him romantically and more because I he was my world in a lot of ways I didn’t know you could love another person.

I Forgot That You Existed is a song that now makes me think of him, and a few other “friends” that abandoned me at various points in my life. The people I’ve now forgiven and forgotten about enough to be able to remember the good times, and the bad, without getting hurt. It’s just indifference.

Paper Rings is the first song I definitely had to put on repeat. It’s so upbeat and honestly makes me just really happy. It’s a good dancing song, something to bounce around to and, in a sense, dream to. It reminds me of my sister and her boyfriend, honestly. They’re the first kind of proper romantic love I’ve ever really seen in my life. They are so sweet and understanding of each other and they just moved in together as a way to help my sister. She’s honestly thinking of proposing to him and it makes me really happy for her, and for them. He respects her and he respects me, which is something previous boyfriends of hers didn’t do. 

If you want to avoid the talk of cancer, death, and depression please skip down til you find the gif. Everything after that will be positive again, cos I refuse to end on a depressing note.

So, in December of 2018 my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I was living with my sister, it was Christmas time, mother didn’t tell us until after Christmas. It was weird for us. We’ve never had a good relationship with our mom, for a number of reasons, so hearing she had cancer came weird. I don’t know if it was shock or something else, but a lot of it was “it’s not the kind of cancer we imagined she’d get” cos she’s a smoker, so we figured, if anything, it’d be lung cancer.

Flash forward to late January and I’ve returned home with my parents. Mother is sick and needs someone to watch out for her while my dad works. I don’t like being back in the family home, it’s messy and fuels my depression, which fuels my anger. It’s not a good attitude to have when trying to care for someone with cancer, I know this. I just can’t help it sometimes, though I try.

Shortly after my return, mother started chemo and she started going down hill. I stopped sleeping in my own room so I was close to her at night when she was most liable to fall and hurt herself. And she did. A lot. And every time I fought to pick her up. I fought to pick her and up and stop the bleeding. It’s a thankless job, I knew this coming into it, but I had no choice. She’s my mom. Yeah, I have a really bad relationship with her and this isn’t liable to change, but this is something I have to do.

So, the first however many times I listened to Soon You’ll Get Better I didn’t necessarily react. And then September 4th rolled around. My grandmother, who was the kind of woman who pushed through everything, had been diagnosed with cancer so many times and come back every time, died. I didn’t have a good relationship with her either, barely knew her, she barely knew me but she was the stubborn sort. She died in the early morning hours, before I’d even gone to bed. I’d ask her not to die on my birthday (the 5th) and she didn’t, but it was hard to take either way.

Later that day, on my way to Orlando, to celebrate my birthday, I had my mom stop at Target. I needed a physical copy of Lover in my hands and I’d never gotten a Target Exclusive version of Taylor’s albums before so I needed it. Happy birthday to me, right? Well, I decided I wanted to play Soon You’ll Get Better for my mom. I cried. It was the first time I’ve cried in a really long time. And I want to kinda talk about why.

In doctor's office lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared That was the first time we were there Holy orange bottles, each night, I pray to you Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too

I went with my mom to a number of her appointments with her, including sitting through chemo with her on more than one occasion. I was raised in the church but as I’ve gotten older lost my faith, lost what it means to believe in a higher power. Because I’ve been hated on in churches, being queer and trans. But in all of this I’ve re-found parts of my faith. 

I know delusion when I see it in the mirror You like the nicer nurses, you make the best of a bad deal I just pretend it isn't real

Something I’ve always done, something I got from my mother, is you take the bad things and you shove them under the rug. You forget they exist and I hate to say it, it’s what I’ve been doing. To whatever extent I can. Because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do if I don’t, y’know?

And I hate to make this all about me But who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do If there's no you?

It’s hard to explain that fear, thinking about what life would be like if she dies. Because as bad as my relationship with my mom is, she’s one of the only pieces of sanity I have close. I mean this in the sense that I talk to my mom a lot, about a lot of stupid stuff, and sometimes about deep stuff. Maybe I do it because I know she won’t remember all of it, or any of it, cos our conversations often happen late at night, but I do it. I talk to her and I don’t know who I’ll talk to like that if she doesn’t get better. 

Part of why I’m writing this is because she might not. My mom has a lot of health risks, things that make operating for the cancer dangerous. It’s another reason why my sister and I were surprised when they said she had pancreatic cancer. We found out today that while the surgeon is willing, she’s high risk. Being high risk, the anesthesiologist might deem her too risky. That, despite all of this, she may not be able to get the surgery to remove the tumor. She hasn’t had chemo since May because she’s been too sick and too weak. It’s possible that if they can’t do the surgery, she won’t be able to do chemo again either to keep in check. 

That’s hard to take, for all of us and part of me just wants to put Soon You’ll Get Better on repeat because what else can I do? I’ve done what I can but it’s just not enough. 

So, that’s the long winded explanation of why I love that song and relate to it so much. And, cos I probably made anyone reading this cry:

Now to try and end this on a much more positive note.

A lot of the songs on the album that I don’t necessarily have proper connections to, that I still love deeply. Cruel Summer, You Need To Calm Down and Me! have this vibe that makes me want to dance, flat out. I go way too hard to the bridge in Cruel Summer. Like, it’s just one of those things I do and I do so apologetically.

London Boy, Daylight,  Cornelia Street and Lover are dreamer songs. Songs that make me believe that love does exist in a romantic sense. That when things are rough and tumblr, I can listen to and feel better, cos at least for someone out there a love like that exists. One that is bright and brilliant and still so very soft. They’re also really good songs to dance to. Like, this album really is full of bops.

So, Taylor, should you take the time to read this long post by a random person on the internet, thank you. Thank you for Lover. Thank you for the truth. Thank you for being you. This album has been such a bright spot in my life right now. I take joy in the little things and I take a lot of joy out of this not-so-little thing. This album makes my heart happy, even in the dark and it’s a beautiful thing. 

Love, 

Charlie (they/he)

#taylor swift #taylorswift #ts7 lover #cancer tw #depression tw #death tw #lover #lover album #not now Charlie

[annewithagee]

Know Love When You See It (1)

“I can’t do this, Gil. I can’t open this door. What it it’s too late? What if we came all this way only to find it was all for naught, because she... she..." A story in which Gilbert's health remains perfectly fine, but that's not enough to bring Anne peace. Alternate ending to AotI. Shirbert.

fanfiction.net / AO3

Chapter 1 A Love Letter

Rusty purred longingly, trying to get his young Mistress’s attention. Anne smiled gently at the sound and reached out to caress the determined feline and yet, her sight remained fixed on the book she held in her other hand,

It was clear that even Rusty didn’t have enough charm to make her abandon Lord Tennyson’s fine work.

“Really, Anne, I never imagined you’d be one to spoil a cat,” Stella scolded her gently. “You used to barely tolerate these animals, and even then you only approved of the clean, well-mannered ones. And here you are, letting the least mannered cat of all lie on Miss Patty’s lovely sofa and encouraging his stay!”

Anne barely looked up at her.

“We let the Sarah-cat and Thomas sleep on the finest of our cushions, darling,” she protested softly. “It wouldn’t be fair to treat Rusty differently. And his manners have improved immensely since we took him in, don’t you think?”

“Well, there wasn’t much to improve to start with.” Stella grimaced. “He had no manners at all – he could only go up from there.”

“I say the important part is that he decided to improve at all. I know what it’s like to be judged for the improper behaviour when there has been no one to teach you anything about it in the first place. I can only marvel at my own initial indifference and lack of understanding towards this unlucky fellow.”

“Oh, enough of this cat talk!” Phil interrupted impatiently then. “You better tell us about this book you’re reading, Queen Anne. You look as if you’ve been wanting to laugh for the past quarter and I am dying to find out why. I’d love to borrow that volume later, too; I could certainly use a good laugh right now.”

“You could always use a good laugh, Phil, no matter what your mood currently is,” Anne retorted cleverly. “And don’t make it sound as if you had any reasons to feel miserable.”

“Tease all you like, Anne, it won’t change a thing. I may be the one getting married next month, but that certainly doesn’t make me any less nervous, no matter how happy I am. I keep having these awful nightmares about Jo changing his mind and leaving me, or about my family suddenly deciding to oppose to the marriage and consequently ruining everything I have hoped for – right when I finally started to believe that I could pass for a respectable wife, even for a minister.”

“Dearest Phil, you know theses nightmares have nothing to do with your future,” Anne protested gently, suppressing a laugh caused by both Philippa’s words and the sight of Stella, mercilessly rolling her eyes at them. “You know Jonas loves you too much to ever give up on you, and even if your family decided to interfere with your happiness in any way – which I am sure they will not – you would not pay it much mind anyway.”

Phil sighed deeply as she sunk on the closest chair. “You are perfectly right, Queen Anne, as you usually are. You know, sometimes I wish I had your wisdom; but then I realise that Jo might not want me so much if I were and I immediately regret making any silly wishes. Anyway, you have not answered my question about your reading: what is it?”

Anne allowed herself a small chuckle this time.

“Something you would not find very amusing, I’m afraid,” she explained softly, her eyes returning to the pages in question. “I’ve been skimming through Lancelot and Elaine, stopping only when I came across the parts dearest to me.”

“And that’s what made you glow so much?” Stella joined the conversation once more. “Why, Anne, I’ve always known you had a rather queer taste in literature, but I would never assume you’d find such tragic poem comical.”

“It’s not so much the poem itself as the memory it brings. I remember discussing it at school in Avonlea, weeping and sighing over poor Elaine’s fate with my friends. I was the most emotional, of course, but the girls were not far behind me.”

Stella nodded with a little more understanding. “I can see how that’s amusing now, although I’d still expect a smile rather than a laughter as a natural reaction to it.”

“That’s because you haven’t heard the best part yet!” Anne responded with a sly smile and began recounting their unfortunate attempt to enact the aforementioned poem on the bright waters of Barry’s Pond. By the time Anne came to the infamous scene of the leaking boat, all three had been shaking with laughter, tears of joy glimmering in more than one pair of eyes.

“Really, Anne!” Phil exclaimed in what was supposed to be a stern tone but couldn’t be due to the cheerful trembling of her voice. “We have lived here together for nearly three years, have known each other for four and for all this time you have not thought it appropriate to treat us with a story like this! Why, I am sure you would have spared me at least one miserable night if you had.”

“She hath kept the good wine until now,” Stella answered, trying as she might to sound as serious and composed as the paraphrase required, and failing spectacularly. “I am only surprised she didn’t wait for Priss to come back – the poor girl will be devastated when she learns how much fun she has missed.”

“There is no need to worry about that,” Anne hastened to explain. “Priscilla had known the whole story long before we even arrived to Redmond and I can assure you that her reaction was every bit as fierce as yours.”

Stella pressed her hand against her chest and sighed with emphasis. “Oh, now I see! Priss gets to know everything in advance while we have to beg! Now, Anne, I am positively wounded!”

“And you two are getting off topic again!” Phil intervened again, this time throwing her arms high in the air for a better effect. “Truly, how you can focus on such nonsense when the great finale is still ahead of us is beyond me.”

“You were the one who started it!” Anne contradicted her with another short laugh.

“I beg your pardon, but my comment was fully justified and in some ways it still referred directly to the story you had told. But enough of this! How did you get off that bridge, Anne?”

The auburn-haired girl chuckled again, a little nervously this time, as she lowered her eyes and fixed them on the text once more.

“That is the part in which my pride suffers most,” she said quietly, forcing a light, careless tone that suddenly felt so inappropriate. “You see, I didn’t really mind climbing that pole – of course, it was uncomfortable and comical, and very different from the romantic scene I had envisioned; but at least there was no one there to see me. And all I needed to do was to hold onto that pole until Mr Barry came to help me out in my distress. He would laugh, of course, but I couldn’t care much for it – he had been an eye-witness to my antics too many times already. Unfortunately, my rescue came from a different party entirely.”

Anne expected her friends to interrupt her with more witty remarks; however, they made none.

“There was...” she picked up hesitantly. “There was a boy in our class, who went rowing on Barry’s Pond that day. He saw me and came closer, offering to take me to the shore in his flat.”

“How romantic,” Stella mused teasingly at that.

“Oh, hardly!” Anne protested vigorously, as if she had been fourteen again, listening to Diana’s most ridiculous comments. “I have never thought of my classmates in terms of romance, but it wouldn’t have been half so bad – half so humiliating – had it been any other boy than the one that came. Dear me, how I hated him then! I had been angry with him before, but it was nothing compared to what I felt on that moment under the bridge.”

“And is there any chance we might know the poor chivalrous knight?” Phil asked, wriggling her eyebrows meaningfully. “Could it be Charles and his big, bulging eyes?”

Anne’s own big eyes widened in surprise at her friend’s abrupt assumption.

“No, not at all!” she denied firmly. “I have never hated Charlie, although I have never been particularly fond of him, either. In fact, I think I’ve always cared too little for him to hold any such strong feelings towards him.”

“Poor Charlie,” Stella remarked with an absolute lack of sympathy. “But if not him, then who?”

“The same boy I had ignored for the three years prior and continued to do so for another two, both at school and at Queen’s – and whom, I believe, you have got to know quite well during our stay here.”

Stella was close to choking on her astonishment. “You mean...”

“Gilbert Blythe, yes,” Anne admitted with a small smile. “And I truly wished it had been anyone but him back then.”

“Not so fast, my dear,” Phil exclaimed now. “I know you and Gilbert have not always been friends – it’s certainly hard to call you friends now – but you can’t tell me you used to hate him!”

“Oh, but I did! Or at least, I wholeheartedly believed so.”

“The same Gilbert who is always so kind and considerate, no matter how little he likes the company he’s in?”

“No, the one who had pulled my braid and called me ‘Carrots’ on our very first day of school.” Anne countered cleverly, her smile widening at the sight of shock that had reflected on her friend’s faces almost immediately. “Well, I suppose you didn’t expect to hear that about him.”

“And that’s why you weren’t friends for so long?” Stella asked with disbelief.

Anne nodded, regaining some of her temporarily lost composure. “We were sworn enemies at the time – at least I was. Gilbert tried to apologise and make things right, but my eleven year old self wouldn’t hear of it; and then I suppose I kept thinking of him in that way because my rise and sense of dignity demanded it. Not to mention, I’ve always had that bit of a competitive strike, and since Gilbert soon turned out to be the only real rival, beating him in class became another matter of honour to me.”

“And you didn’t make your peace that day by the pond?” Phil asked again.

“No,” Anne responded, with a little bit of melancholy – sentiment – embarrassment ringing in her voice. “It was the last time my pettiness made itself known and consequently robbed us both of two years of friendship. He went furious – as furious as someone of Gilbert’s personality can be, anyway – snapped and walked away. He had been a rival before, but he had never seemed to care much about it… But after that encounter he became just as ruthless as I had been from the start.”

“In that case, I suppose your fiery arguments here at Redmond were not even half as bad as we all thought,” Phil muttered under her breath. “It must have been nothing compared to what you two had done at school.”

Anne smiled more sincerely now. “Oh, you should have seen us then. Poor Miss Stacy barely managed to answer our overly grown hunger for knowledge, not to mention that we must have been a terrible distraction from other students, who undoubtedly needed her attention much more than we did. In the end she would just give us more to read, if only to make us stay quiet for a moment at least.”

It was Phil’s turn to nod. “You two really have a history.”

“That we do,” Anne agreed a little wistfully. She brightened up the next moment, however. “But, as one of my dearest friends often says, enough of this! The story was meant to cheer you up, not to make us go down some cold, hostile memory lane. We still have a whole afternoon ahead of us, and I’m not going to waste it in any way. We only have a few short days before we leave Patty’s Place for good, and I am determined to make the most of it – and you don’t even try to talk yourselves out of it!”

“And what would you have us do, Queen Anne?” Stella asked a little sceptically, for which she received a frown from Phil. Seeing the exchange, Anne could hardly do more than laugh wholeheartedly at them.

“I have no idea, my dearest Kindred Spirits!” she cried out with eagerness that didn’t match her words nor the atmosphere from mere moments earlier and yet, her voice resonated with sincerity that could not have been denied. “We can dance and we can sing, or we can leave the house and set off on a journey, if only it doesn’t take us too far away from this most beloved place. I once said that I had two homes – Green Gables and Patty’s Place – and I can’t tell you how happy I am that my feelings towards that matter have not changed at all. It is reassuring to know that one can truly love more than just one place so much.”

“I suppose it must be so, or no one would ever find happiness after they married – save for the people who stayed in their own houses and those who never loved their homes in the first place,” Stella concluded.

Anne nodded in agreement with her words. “It is very true, but let’s not forget those who must leave their homes for reasons other than marriage. Oh, Phil, please don’t give me that look, even if I have deserved it. I know you are still angry with me for what happened yesterday, but I promise you, it has nothing to do with what I meant.”

“What did you mean, then?” Phil asked calmly, refraining from a more blatant comment that was springing to her lips.

“I meant us. Four college girls, thrown into a new life, away from their families, their neighbours, away from the people and places they care for so much. It could have been such miserable four years, full of stress and loneliness, with homesickness threatening to take over us any minute – and instead they were four years of great friendships, and three of them have been spent here. I’m not sure if I could have born to go through the many challenges Redmond had in store, had it not been for the sense of safety this place has given me.”

“Oh, and here I thought it was our unconditional love and support that had pushed you through!” Stella exclaimed, her hand once again flying to her chest in a dramatic gesture. “Now, you have really hurt my feelings, Anne. Excruciatingly!”

Anne laughed wholeheartedly at her friend’s words, basking in the joy this wonderful comradeship could give.

“Tease all you like -” she said with confidence. “you will not succeed in ruining my good spirits. The day is just too lovely for any sort of pettiness; you can say whatever you want and I won’t take offence. I’m in a forgiving mood – I feel you that if the worst of my enemies came to visit me today, I could not hold grudge against them.”

“Poor Gilbert!” Phil cried out then. “If only he had known that day would come, he might have waited for it, instead of trying to make peace with you over some pond only minutes after he had so unnecessarily rescued you!”

Anne did not find the comment worthy of her answer and decided to resort to violence instead. In one swift motion she grabbed the nearest cushion and threw it at Phil, hitting her right in her smiling face; the latter squeaked in shock but caught the missile in perfect reflex and threw it back at her aggressor without hesitation.

That was the setting in which Priscilla found them in.

“I leave you alone for an hour and you turn into children we used to teach!” she exclaimed in the tone of a perplexed matron, as if she had been at least a decade older than her frivolous friends. “Truly, Anne, what would the board of Avonlea school think if they saw what their favourite schoolmarm does when left unsupervised?”

“I have never been their favourite, so how would I know?” Anne answered her question laughingly, catching the cushion that had once again flown in her direction; however, she refrained from tossing it back. Priscilla raised her gaze to the ceiling, most probably asking the Good Lord to give her patience necessary for dealing with the force her companions undoubtedly were.

“They should take away your B. A.s for behaving like this,” she muttered under her breath as she shrugged off her coat and took off her hat. “I’m not surprised to see Anne or Phil act like that, but you, Stella? Why, I believed you to be the sensible one at least.”

“Don’t lump me together with them,” Stella opposed. “These two won’t listen to anyone and certainly not me.”

“They better do listen to me, though, because I have some great news that should interest them. I’ve been to the post office and there was at least half a dozen letters addressed to us.”

“And I bet half of those are for Phil,” Anne commented teasingly, standing up and approaching Priscilla, ready to take some of the many packages the other girl had brought with her. “Let me take these, Priss, as I’m sure none of those letters are for me. After all, I never receive any letters on Monday.”

“How can you be so sure?” Priscilla asked suggestively. “What if I told you that it’s your turn to receive Phil’s usual, ridiculous share?”

Anne shook her head vigorously. “Impossible! The only letters I am waiting for are the ones from Green Gables and those always arrive on Wednesday, and sum up the whole previous week, together with Mrs Lynde’s great commentary on the minister’s latest sermon.”

“Maybe, but it doesn’t change the fact that one of these letters really has you name written on it – and the handwriting does look to me as if it was Mrs Lynde’s, indeed.”

“It can’t be,” Anne repeated; but the treacherous smile was beginning to blossom on her joyful countenance and not a minute passed before she had whipped the envelope from Priscilla’s hand and pressed in to her chest, barely deigning the item with a glance.

“This truly is the most wonderful of days!” she said excitedly. “Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, you bring this! Dear Priss, you really are a herald of good news!”

And with that she ran towards the sofa and sank on it once more, impatient to learn the contents of the letter that had already gladdened her so much.

“My, my, Anne!” Phil remarked with a dry smile and a slight rise of her eyebrows. “Judging from your excitement, one could think it is a love letter you are holding; if I didn’t know any better, I would swear it was Roy Gardner who had written to you again.”

“Oh, but it as a love letter, and it’s the most beautiful one – better than any suitor could ever send!”  Anne protested firmly, glancing from over the letter with her bright eyes. “No one has ever loved me more dearly than those who lived at Green Gables and I doubt anyone ever could. Green Gables letters always are the most affectionate ones; even if sometimes I am the only one who can feel and see it hidden between the lines.”

“Even if those lines are written by Mrs Rachel Lynde?” Priss asked.

Anne nodded eagerly.

“Even if,” she confirmed resolutely. “Mrs Lynde is a dear soul and a true Kindred Spirit, even if our first encounter seemed to prove the opposite; besides, it never is just Mrs Lynde that writes, although she addresses the envelopes to spare Marilla the trouble. Oh, I can’t wait to read about all the scrapes Davy has got himself in since the last time! I did not expect this letter to come for the next two days and now I can’t imagine delaying it for another minute!”

The three friends gifted her with the same bemused look before chuckling cheerfully.

“Well, in that case I suggest you go to your room at once, Miss Anne,” Phil advised with feign seriousness. “Otherwise you’ll just keep talking to us and we’ll never get to learn what this precious letters is really about.”

“I am not going anywhere.” Anne protested for the last time. “I will sit here for the whole time and share all of the best parts with you immediately. Oh, what a feast this is going to be!”

#anne shirley #gilbert blythe #marilla cuthbert #anne of green gables #anne of the island #romance #family #friendship #angst #hurt/comfort #multi-chaptered fic

[mrsslrss]

2018.

My first memory of 2018: I woke up at 5 a.m. and spotted an enormous bug on my bedroom wall. I was mildly hungover after a really lovely and somewhat raucous party in my house, and when I saw the bug I felt like my stomach dropped out of my body. (I’m a wimp! It had so many legs! Stay with me.) I tried to rouse M for about 10 minutes to kill the bug with no luck, then told myself, with an air of forced gravity, It’s 2018, and I must kill the bug myself. Which, I am glad to report, I did. 

I think I told that story a lot this year in the hopes that the more I retold it, the more it would come to define my year: You know, being brave? Taking charge and vanquishing, uh, icky stuff? (And later, for all the times I told the story of starting my day by sweeping up the post-party-confetti-canon detritus and throwing away the half-used Solo cups before my roommates woke up: Doing rather thankless work for a greater good?) I’m not sure I mastered the art of “manifesting” in 2018, though (sorry Oprah!); I certainly wasn’t as generous or industrious as those stories would suppose, but the image of me resisting something frightening then eventually/begrudgingly giving in and being grateful I did — I suppose that rings true.

It’s easy for me to be blue in December — to think about what didn’t get accomplished, the ways I have been selfish, shallow and lazy — but if I’m honest with myself, the year had its share of success. I got hired out of my temp status, spoke on a panel at a conference, helped lead a project I’m proud of, talked on some podcasts, survived my college reunion. I learned a lot about commitment, complacency and what drives my writing. I spent a lot of time with my family. I watched people I love make incredible art, find cherished partners, move their careers forward, get engaged, become parents. I wrote a couple good songs, played a lot of good shows. My hair got long enough to wear it in a bun most days.

The truth is that I’m pretty scared about the future. Call it cyclical energy or call it the brink of exhaustion but I think things are going to happen in 2019; I think, for better or for worse, I’m going to make them happen. I’m trying to transmute anxiety into excitement for what the year’s bringing but I think it’s ok to be scared, too. Anyway, here’s to 2018, and to the things I felt and saw and did and loved that helped me make it through. 

Andrea Long Chu’s writing

I read “On Liking Women” in January — the kind of article where you start it at your desk and then have to finish it later, and you get home and sit on the couch without even turning the living room lights on and just read and read, breathlessly, until it’s done — and I got hooked and I have read everything ALC has written since. Her work is thoughtful, engaging, provocative, breathtaking, earnest, shady, queer as h*ck. It has made me think about what kind of writer (and person) I want to be and was fodder for some of my favorite conversations I had this year about gender, power, identity and the ultimate self-own. Also, her Twitter is hilarious.

Dried mango

Snack of the year for me, hands down. Though if I’m being honest, green tea kit kats are a serious contender, too -- much tougher to find, though, meaning they can’t quite nab the top snack spot for 2018.

Traveling & open space

I didn’t travel a ton this year but the few trips I took were lovely. In April I visited Seattle, a city I love, for a truly marvelous conference and I saw the water and the mountains. In October I visited Vermont, had a real dream-come-true moment in a field of goats. I visited Sam in Austin and realized that Texas is, indeed, huge. (And affordable!) I visited my family in MA a lot and rode horses a couple times but mostly just sat on the couch with my mom watching re-runs of The Office and making sense of ourselves. It felt nice when I was in motion this year.

Riding my bike

Speaking of motion! I borrowed my sister’s cool bike last year and started riding to work, but then the bike got stolen, which put a big damper on everything. I got a crappy replacement a couple months later and rode it to work every day, nearly, of 2018, and to all sorts of other places. I read Jessica Hopper’s book about Chicago this year and so much of that book takes place on her bike, which inspired me to take things a little more seriously. I’m not an experienced cyclist by any means (truly: most of my bike rides are on two streets in the one-mile radius between my house and my office) but I like what it affords me.

Trying to be a void

that is to say, wearing all black. I know that clothing is how a lot of people express themselves but mostly what I wanted to express this year was: a black hole. By black hole I mostly mean nothingness, and also deflecting the gaze. Incredibly comforting. As a caveat: Mads taught me about the power of navy blue late this year, and I think in 2019 I will try to be the night sky. 

New York

I used to hate NYC for boring reasons but now I don’t, and it defined my year, in many ways — I visited about once a month, for work and for friends and for fun. I nearly always stayed with Mads in Bed-Stuy, which is an excellent situation, although one time I blew a big chunk of a bonus (!) on a fancy hotel room (!!) in Manhattan. (Worth it!) I spoke on a panel, I played my songs in a gallery, I ate bagels with vegan cream cheese, I had bad pizza in a cigar bar, I saw Maggie Nelson give a talk, I watched Duster play two consecutive comeback shows. I had a lot of small moments, too, of bliss and kindness and serendipity, of tortellini soup and espresso tonics, late night talks, doing laps around Bryant Park, walking quietly through galleries. I cried on buses, got freaked out on a plane, had a particularly memorable set of conversations on the Amtrak. I also saw Carly Rae Jepsen!

Playing covers with friends

Ok, yes, seeing Carly Rae at the Turning the Tables event in NYC was magnificent, but more magnificent was being in Gnarly Rae Jepsen, aka the Carly Rae Jepsen cover band I was invited to join around Halloween. Frankly I was just flattered to have been asked, since Lars does a cover band for Halloween every year and they always rip. And Gnarly Rae ripped! I didn’t do a lot of stuff with my own music this year, so it was great to play with a band with pretty much zero pressure and an abundance of good vibes. The Halloween show was one of the happiest moments of my year. Plus this winter I planned a December open mic and so some friends and I decided to do a couple covers — “Silver Springs” by Fleetwood Mac (which Mads sang) and “Dreams” by The Cranberries (which I sang) — which was a little messy and extremely fun.

Christmas cactus

A friend of mine from grad school moved to California after graduating and gave me a bunch of her plants, including a cactus that looked like it was in poor health but I was determined to keep alive for as long as I could. I kept caring for it even though I was convinced it was going to croak any day; turns out I’m just ignorant about what a healthy cactus looks like, because it blossomed just days before my birthday this April. I didn’t even know this cactus could flower, so to have it happen right before I turned 26 made me feel such a deep sense of joy and hope, and connection with the living world, like a true, grounded, healthy Taurus. It bloomed again before Christmas; last week, I realized my grandmother has the exact same plant in her living room.

Writing criticism

I wrote a couple things this year I was especially proud of, and most of them were reviews. (My Turning the Tables essay doesn’t fit in that category but I’m really proud of that, too.) Most of this writing happened in my house where I was alone in my room rubbing my temples and whining softly why is this so hard, why does it have to be so hard but it also felt electric and life-affirming; I heard a podcaster refer to writing as something like “touching the divine” this year and that feels like it, exactly. I think I loved those processes too because they so often involved having really fun, challenging conversations about the art in question with people I admire, and that’s why I got into this game, right? Plus a few conversations I had this year adjacent to these pieces helped me realize that a) criticism is the kind of writing I feel the most drawn to right now; and as we used to say on Tumblr, “not to get fake deep but,” b) the goodness I am searching for in my life/self is a big part of what drives me to write, of what I’m doing in my writing. That helps.

Coffee O merch

My forever favorite coffee shop is Coffee Obsession in Falmouth, not necessarily because they have the best beans in the world or anything but because when I’m there it’s because I am spending time in my favorite place, usually with my family and best friends, etc. Anyway I have recently started to rep them on a regular basis: I got a purple HydroFlask with the Coffee O logo and used it every day this year to bring iced coffee to work, and this summer I bought a big green Coffee O t-shirt that says “LOCAL FLAVAH” on the back (incredible), which is more or less my favorite item of clothing I bought this year. I guess I’m kind of a poseur because I’m a tourist, not a Cape Cod native, but my love for Coffee O is true and real and I’m glad to spread the word.

Etc: Making iced coffee every morning in the Chemex; roséwave and the #Saltypod, both of which I love fiercely; the difference between being liked and being heard, à la Ellen Willis; editing essays; the Fever Ray show at 9:30 Club; wearing glitter in the corners of my eyes; “no one is going to wait for you to ask for permission”; wearing heels to work; the steam room at the W St YMCA; my tarot deck; the Pome newsletter.