#i am overcome with the desire to go out into the most isolated and wild place i can find and just. wander. and stare at things.

[hylianengineer]

I am increasingly convinced that ecology is a spiritual experience. If it's not, you're doing it wrong.

#hylian rambles #hylian does science #I'm reading A Sand County Almanac and my worldview is shifting (again) #the inherent value and interconnectedness of all living and nonliving things is so fucking beautiful #and we see and understand such a tony portion of it #i am overcome with the desire to go out into the most isolated and wild place i can find and just. wander. and stare at things. #i love to wander and stare at things #environmental science #environmental studies

[nerdygaymormon]

My Queer Playlist

Whether they’re upbeat & joyful or they convey pain & sadness, songs are a way to bond with a lot of people over something as amazing as queerness. Music has a power & ability to cut through, communicate something, & bring people together. Music can make being queer not so isolating. 

Everyone has their own list of songs, but here’s my queer playlist.

It includes songs by LGBTQ performers, gay anthems, songs that are about LGBTQ topics & people, and songs that speak to the queer experience (that you’re not alone, the search for self acceptance, things get better, you’ve got one life so make the most of it, and things like strength, perseverance, & love overcoming odds). And many of these are great songs for dancing, which makes sense as even today most of the specifically-queer spaces are bars and dance clubs. 

You’ll notice that as the years go on, the number of songs starts increasing as it became safer to be out & queer topics became more accepted. You’ll also see a shift from borrowing the songs of female empowerment to having actual LGBTQ people singing about their lives and feelings. 

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1939 - Over the Rainbow : Judy Garland - The dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Rainbows and dreaming of a better world--absolutely speaks to queer desires. When it was dangerous to be open about being gay, the term “friend of Dorothy” was a way for a gay people to identify each other. “Oh, you don’t know Bob? He’s a friend of Dorothy.”

1957 - Jailhouse Rock : Elvis Presley - This is a song about male inmates in prison dancing together. And there’s even a gay crush! Inmate Number Forty-seven said to Number Three “You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see. I sure would be delighted with your company. Come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me.”  

1963 – You Don’t Own Me : Lesley Gore – This song is all about letting me be who I am and love who I love, stop trying to make me be someone I’m not. Lesley didn’t come out at the time as the music industry was homophobic, she eventually came out as a lesbian in 2005. 

1964 - Don’t Rain on my Parade : Barbra Streisand - We do like great big colorful parades, don’t we? This song is about how we’ve got one life so live it with gusto, do the things you most want to do. I’m holding my own parade and nobody is going to rain on it.

1966 - You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me : Dusty Springfield - Generations of closeted women & men could identify with the idea that queer love couldn’t last, it was too risky, so they’d take what they can. You don’t have to say you love me, just be close at hand. You don’t have to stay forever, I will understand. Dusty was a lesbian who didn’t talk about it much at the time in mainstream media for fear of losing her career.

1967 - Respect : Aretha Franklin - Aretha turned this song’s message of demanding respect for oneself into a universal declaration of pride and demand for equal treatment for blacks, for women, for LGBT people. She did things like perform at the Elton John AIDS benefit or a private wedding for a high-profile gay couple. 

1969 - Make Your Own Kind of Music : Mama Cass - The message is take pride in your uniqueness and individualism.

1970 – Ain’t No Mountain High Enough : Diana Ross –  Love conquers all obstacles if you have enough faith in yourself.

1972 – All the Young Dudes : Mott the Hoople – David Bowie wrote this song’s lyrics and sings on the chorus. The words sound like he’s calling for all the young (gay) dudes to come together. All the young dudes (I want to hear you) Carry the news (I want to see you) Boogaloo dudes (I want to talk to you, all of you) Carry the news (now) And there’s also this lyric that sounds like Lucy is a trans woman or a drag queen, but don’t bully them because Lucy will defend themselves. Lucy looks sweet 'cause he dresses like a queen. But he can kick like a mule, it's a real mean team

1974 - Rebel, Rebel : David Bowie - Part of what made Bowie beloved amongst the queer community is he was celebratory in how he portrayed androgyny and gender non-conformity and he was sexually ambiguous (bi? gay? straight?), while at the same time flaunting sexuality in everyone’s face. He exemplified the message to be yourself, even if you’re queer. This song’s lyrics include “You’ve got your mother in a whirl. She’s not sure if you’re a boy or a girl”

1976 - Dancing Queen : ABBA - This is a story of a 17-year-old girl on a nightclub dance floor, lost in the music and the moment. Of course, “queen” has a different meaning in the queer community and so this is often sung tongue-in-cheek. There’s a delightful campiness to ABBA that has long-appealed to gay fans, and gay singers like Erasure, have covered ABBA songs. 

1976 - Somebody to Love : Queen - Freddie Mercury, who composed these lyrics, was gay. The question he keeps asking “Can anybody find me somebody to love?” could be about being gay in a society when any sexuality besides ‘hetero’ was frowned upon.

1977 - I Feel Love : Donna Summer - This is a song about loving your body and your desires, a powerful sentiment for people whose attractions were once seen as deviant and who grew up feeling shame for who they are. Try to listen to this song and not feel like dancing.

1978 - Macho Man : Village People - These lusty lyrics worship the muscled physique of the ideal macho man

1978 – I Love the Nightlife : Alicia Bridges – Alicia was out as a lesbian and this song is about going to the club and dancing the night away, which appealed to queer listeners because that’s the space where they would get to unabashedly & joyfully express themselves.

1978 - Got to be Real : Cheryl Lynn - If you stay real, you’ll find “real love,” in other words, be authentic and you’ll find authentic love. The song was prominently featured in the 1990 documentary Paris Is Burning, which chronicles the ball culture of New York City and the African American & Latino gay and transgender community involved in it. There’s something deliciously ironic about Drag Queens strutting to the words about being “real”

1978 - I’m Every Woman : Chaka Khan - This song of female empowerment & strength appealed not only to women but also black and queer communities across the world because it is about taking on whatever roles you want. And it’s a favorite song for drag queens to lip sync & dance to as they can present themselves as “every woman.”

1978 - I Will Survive : Gloria Gaynor - You can imagine marginalized people asking the same questions in the song: “Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?” The gay community has embraced this song that is a declaration of resilience & pride Even after decades of progress, many LGBTQ people still have to deal with daily assaults on their personhood & “I Will Survive” remains relevant.

1978 - Y.M.C.A. : Village People - Very fun song. The lyrics make me think of young gay teens migrating to big cities like New York (often after being kicked out by their parents). The YMCA’s provided cheap shelter for them. And of course, the lyrics hint at all the gay activity, too. “It’s fun to stay at the YMCA. They have everything for you men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys.“

1979 - Don’t Stop Me Now : Queen - Essentially the song is just a man intent on having a wild night out and inviting the rest of us to come along for the ride or else get out of his way. The love interests flip between male & female and back again.

1979 - You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) : Sylvester - The singer is black, gay and some form of gender queer and sings the song in falsetto. He’s singing the praises of someone who makes him feel good, validated and alive. The words about feeling real, those mean something to queer people.  

1979 - In the Navy : Village People - The United States Navy asked to use this song in a recruiting campaign, they thought it seemed like a catchy song praising the life of a sailor. They later decided against it when media started criticizing the use of taxpayer funds for a “gay” music group because it would further enhance the much-whispered talk of gay activity aboard ships, what with all these men stuck at sea with no women for long stretches at a time. 

1979 - We are Family : Sister Sledge - A message of unity that resonates for queer people as we often have to build a chosen family, and this song fits that.

1979 - Go West : Village People - The song is about an imagined utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. Why “Go West?” In the USA that’s been the direction of freedom and opportunity, and plus San Francisco had become a gay mecca and it was on the West Coast.

1979 - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) : ABBA - A woman is alone in an apartment watching television late at night as the wind howls outside. She says, “Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.” A sentiment many a gay man could sing along with.

1980 - I’m Coming Out : Diana Ross - Yes, this song is about that kind of “coming out.” The lyrics also are about being your truest self and throwing aside shame’s shackles.

1981 – Elton’s Song : Elton John - A moving piano ballad about a gay teenage boy’s hopeless crush on another boy. The song contains themes of heartbreak and shame. The video is enough to make me cry. This is from before Elton John was publicly out as gay

1981 - Tainted Love : Soft Cell - Having an openly gay man sing this song gave it layers of meaning. The gay experience is not all about empowerment & acceptance. This song coming at the start of the AIDS crisis came to represent some of the fear & paranoia that became part of gay life. “Once I ran to you, now I’ll run from you.”

1982 - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me : Culture Club - Boy George had a 6-year relationship with the band’s drummer, Jon Moss. The relationship was kept hidden from the public, and George often felt hurt because he wanted to be open about his love. While the song is about their secret relationship, the video is about being victimized for being gay. It shows Boy George getting kicked out of different places in various historical settings. In the courtroom, the jurors are in blackface to show the bigotry and hypocrisy of the many gay judges & politicians in the UK (most were closeted) who enacted anti-gay legislation.

1982 - It’s Raining Men : The Weather Girls - Super campy song, ridiculous words, but it’s sung fearlessly with over the top vocals that make it so good. What gay boy didn’t wish it was raining men?

1983 - I’m Still Standing : Elton John - These lyrics of showing a strong sense of endurance in the face of adversity is a theme that resonates with the queer community and is exemplified by Elton John, himself. 

1983 - Na Na Hey Hey : Bananarama - This remake of the 1969 song by Steam didn’t change the pronouns. This girl group is singing to a woman, asking her to leave her man because “He’ll never love you, the way that I love you”

1983 - Church of the Poison Mind : Culture Club - A man falls in love with a religious gay man who, because of what he was taught at church,  can’t resolve his own feelings about being gay. If you’re living in a society distorted by prejudice, take a chance on joy--embrace love, whatever form it takes.

1983 - I’ll Tumble 4 Ya : Culture Club - A light-hearted song about looking for someone to fall in love with sung by Boy George, the most famous man in drag in the 1980’s. 

1983 - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun : Cyndi Lauper - This song is about breaking the rules, letting go, being free and being visible. And yeah, lesbians wanna have fun.

1983 - Karma Chameleon : Culture Club - If you’re a person who doesn’t take a stand because you don’t want to offend anyone by being true to who you are, then karma is gonna get you. Boy George was in a relationship with the drummer, who wasn’t out so it had to remain secretive. Their difficult lover-professional relationship was the inspiration for many lyrics in Culture Club songs, including the line, “You’re my lover, not my rival” in “Karma Chameleon.”

1983 - Relax : Frankie goes to Hollywood - At a time when gay sexuality was still mostly illegal and therefore usually portrayed in song & media by way of clever allusions, “Relax” was a song about gay sex—and despite the video being banned by the BBC and MTV—was the biggest pop song in the world. The chorus was about delaying sexual gratification to increase pleasure ("Relax, don't do it when you want to come")

1983 - I Am What I Am : Gloria Gaynor - Gloria has taken this Broadway song and given it a disco/dance vibe. The song is about coming out of the closet and living life authentically.

1984 - I Want to Break Free : Queen - The video is a parody of the U.K. soap opera Coronation Street, which has the entire band in drag, including Freddie Mercury as a housewife while singing lyrics about wanting to break down the boundaries of acceptability. The video was banned in the U.S. 🙄

1984 – Smalltown Boy : Bronski Beat – Wanting to escape the oppressive nature of a small hometown is something many queer kids long for. The song takes the pain of rejection and makes it danceable. What else makes this song notable is it’s from an openly gay group during the peak of the AIDS crisis.

1984 - You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) : Dead or Alive - The singer is queer and singing a love song, the New Wave music is hot, and this is an iconic classic of the 1980’s

1985 - Lover Come Back to Me : Dead or Alive - The 1980’s synth, the huge hair, and a queer singer telling his lover to come back.

1985 - Living on My Own : Freddie Mercury - This video was too controversial at the time and was banned because it featured drag queens, transvestites, and other questionable people enjoying themselves at a party. The lyrics talk about being lonely & living on my own (which I don’t know if he meant it this way, but it’s a good way to describe how it feels being in the closet), but there’s got to be some good times ahead and the music matches that upbeat hope. 

1985 - Sisters are Doin’ It for Themselves : Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin - It’s a feminist anthem that also has appeal as a song of lesbian empowerment

1985 - Somewhere (There’s a Place for Us) : Barbra Streisand - This song from the musical West Side Story is about love that is forbidden by society and dreaming of a place where such love is accepted, a theme queer people certainly understand.

1985 - Thank You for Being a Friend : Cynthia Fee - This song is on the list because it was the theme song for the TV show Golden Girls. When most people think of that show, they think of the 80′s fashions, cheesecake, the one-liners and showed older women as having sex drives. What the LGBTQ community remembers is that it had remarkably progressive outlooks on LGBTQ rights for its time, with nods to the AIDS crisis, coming out and even same-sex marriage. This video shows some Pride highlights from the show.

1985 - Love Me Like There’s No Tomorrow : Freddie Mercury - The lyrics are about two lovers who are forced to go their separate ways, we’re not told why, but it’s clear the singer is sad about losing his beloved. This 2019 video is two white blood cells falling in love, only to have heartbreak ensue when one of them gets HIV. This video benefits the HIV/AIDS charity organization the Mercury Phoenix Trust (MPT). MPT was founded by Queen in memory of Freddie

1986 - Nikita : Elton John -  Elton John sings of his crush on a person called Nikita, an East German border guard whom he cannot meet because he is not allowed into the country. In the video, the guard is female, but the name Nikita is a male’s name.

1986 - True Colors : Cyndi Lauper - The lyrics are about seeing who someone really is and loving them for it. And it doesn’t hurt that your “true colors are beautiful like a rainbow”

1987 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) : Whitney Houston - This is popular with the LGBTQ community. We wanna dance with somebody like us, so we go to gay clubs.

1987 - It’s a Sin : Pet Shop Boys - This song is about a person’s lifelong shame and guilt, presumably for being gay. “For everything I long to do, no matter when or where or who, has one thing in common, too. It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin”

1987 - Faith : George Michael - The song, about declining hookups and patiently waiting for a more meaningful connection, portrays a balancing act with which gay culture has long wrestled. “Well I need someone to hold me but I’ll wait for something more. Yes, I’ve gotta have faith” is just as meaningful today in a culture searching for love while swiping left.

1987 - So Emotional : Whitney Houston - This is a great pop song with lyrics that people can easily see themselves in. Whitney sang a lot of non-gender-specific songs, this being one of them. What we didn’t know at the time is that Whitney’s best gal pal had once been more than that, they cut out the physical part of the relationship when Whitney signed with Arista Records in 1982, but remained best friends, so there may be a reason she preferred to sing love songs without a gender. Also, as if the song isn’t iconic in its own right, I will always think of the epic lip sync performance by the drag queen Sasha Velour when I hear this song. 

1987 - Always on my Mind : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of an Elvis song, but they dropped the references to a girl, making the gender of the person they’re singing about ambiguous.

1987 - Father Figure : George Michael - The phrase “Father Figure” represents how someone can take on a paternal role, encouraging & inspiring another person. Many queer men suffer alienation & rejection from their fathers. As one of these men begins to explore emotional intimacy with another man, the singer assures him that he’ll take on the role of loving and mentoring him, help him work through those issues. 

1988 - One More Try : George Michael - The singer is calling his new lover “teacher” (maybe because he feels he has a lot to learn about love). He’s hesitant to enter a new relationship because he has been emotionally hurt by a previous one. The song concludes with a willingness for “just one more try.” 

1988 - A Little Respect : Erasure - Singer Andy Bell was one of the first openly gay pop stars to actually sing about queer romance. In this song he’s calling to a lover to not leave and asks the question, “What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?”

1988 - Kissing a Fool : George Michael - George is lamenting the recent lost love of a man "who listened to people who scared [him] to death and from my heart.” The line “strange that you were strong enough to even make a start” suggests that the ex-boyfriend was in the closet or was reluctant because of the baggage & reputation that came with dating a star like George Michael. Under the homophobic scrutiny, the boyfriend was made to “feel a fool.” In the end, George is heartbroken and is the one left feeling “a fool.”

1989 - Express Yourself : Madonna -  “Don’t go for second-best” just because he treats you nicely in bed, but then is emotionally distant. Stand up for yourself and what you need in a relationship. So why is this on this Pride playlist? The music video! All those muscular men.

1989 - Part of Your World : Jodi Benson - This song is from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Ariel rejected traditional marriage partners and wants to marry a human against her father’s wishes. She dreams of being a part of the human world. For a long time the LGBTQ community has wanted to pursue romance & marriage with whom we want in a society where we could belong & be welcomed.

1990 - Vogue : Madonna - “Look around: Everywhere you turn is heartache.” That’s not exactly a fluffy opening for a dance-pop song—and that’s the point. This is still the time of America’s AIDS crisis, and this song is inspired by New York’s gay ball scene. This song wants you to put away the heavy stuff for a little while and get on the dance floor.

1990 – Groove is in the Heart : Deee-Light – A message of love and good times and the singer, Lady Miss Kier, although a woman, has a drag-queen sensibility to her colorful retro style

1990 - Freedom! ‘90 : George Michael - This song is cleverly about 2 things. One is about his career–the breakup of Wham! and then the success of his album Faith, and how he’s tired of being pushed around by his label so he’s taking control of his career and telling people to disregard the pop imagery of his past. It’s also about him wanting to come out of the closet about being gay, “There’s something deep inside of me, there’s someone else I’ve got to be.” It would be almost another ten years before he was publicly out.

1990 - Being Boring : Pet Shop Boys - “When you’re young you find inspiration in anyone who’s ever gone and opened up a closing door,” I believe this is talking about being in the closet and the hope that comes from people who’ve come out. The final verse, “Some are here and some are missing in the 1990’s,” AIDS wiped out much of a generation of gay people in the 1980’s. Now he’s grown up and out of the closet as “the creature I was always meant to be.”

1990 - Gonna Make You Sweat : C+C Music Factory - Fun dance song. In a 1997 episode of the The Simpsons, a steel mill turns into a flamboyant gay club when this song comes over the loudspeaker

1991 - Losing My Religion : R.E.M. - Lead singer Michael Stipe had several times declined to address his sexuality, so when “Losing My Religion” came out, people assumed Stipe was hinting that he is gay. “Consider this, the hint of the century. Consider this, the slip.” It stands as a classic example of queer coding in the era of “don’t-ask-don’t-tell”. The song was often interpreted as the struggle of Michael Stipe as a closeted gay man to come to terms with what religion taught about him. 

1991 - I’m Too Sexy : Right Said Fred - A fun song about a guy who is full of himself, thinks he is so sexy. Richard Fairbrass, the singer of the group, came out as gay at the time of this song, which made the song seem representative of a certain narcissistic part of gay culture that centers on the gym and muscle worship

1991 - Emotion : Mariah Carey - This song displays Mariah’s crazy vocal range, is upbeat and danceable. Mariah grew up a poor, biracial young woman in the 1970s and 1980s. She had a drive to prove she is “worthy of existing,” and this has resulted in a number of songs about self empowerment, overcoming obstacles, a desire to belong, and all those things are relatable to the LGBT community.   

1991 - Finally : Cece Penniston - A dance hit about falling in love. A lot of people, including queer people living in a heteronormative world, wonder if we’ll ever find true love, and can relate to the excitement & relief of the lyrics that “Finally, it has happened to me.” This song was featured in the 1994 movie The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which was about two drag queens and a trans woman trekking across the Australian Outback in a tour bus they named Priscilla. The show is a positive portrayal of LGBTQ individuals.

1992 - Constant Craving : k.d. lang - She had been a country singer, but came out as gay and released this song. Every lesbian knew exactly what k.d. was craving. 

1992 - Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover : Sophie B. Hawkins - The song’s lyrics are written from the perspective of a woman who is observing another woman in an abusive relationship. The singer is having a difficult time seeing her “black and blue” and dreams of rescuing this abused woman and making her happy, taking away her pain, and being physically intimate with her. Hawkins has stated that she is “omnisexual.”

1992 - Take a Chance on Me : Erasure - ABBA had a following among the gay community, and Erasure singing one of their songs helped bring ABBA back into mainstream consciousness again. Plus in the video, two members of Erasure dress in drag playing like they’re the women from ABBA. 

1992 - This Used to be my Playground : Madonna - The lyrics are about losing childhood innocence and gaining responsibilities. The song came to be seen as an ode to gay friends who died during the AIDS crisis, and the loss of innocence that epidemic caused.

1992 - The Last Song : Elton John -  When he learned that his son was gay, the father had “disowned” him, but upon learning his son was dying from AIDS, overcame his homophobia to spend the final moments with his son. This one makes me cry.

1992 – Deeper and Deeper : Madonna -  The song talks about sexual desire, though in the gay community it’s seen as being about a young man coming to terms with being gay. “I can’t help falling in love. I fall deeper and deeper the further I go. Kisses sent from heaven above. They get sweeter and sweeter the more that I know”

1992 - Supermodel : RuPaul - RuPaul’s debut single introduced much of America to “sashay/shantay.” RuPaul used this breakthrough hit to become America’s favorite mainstream drag queen.

1993 - Bi : Living Colour - One of the very few songs (that I’m aware of) that celebrates bisexuality. The main line is “everybody loves you when you’re bi”, which is so affirming.

1993 - Somebody to Love : Queen & George Michael - At the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert, George Michael sang this song about a man calling out to God, asking why he works so hard but can't find love. At the end of the song, he finds hope and decides he will not accept defeat. Given our smaller numbers and the process we go through to accept ourselves, queer people often work harder to find love. And here is George Michael, who became a gay icon, singing the song fabulously.

1993 - What’s Up - 4 Non Blondes - This was the first Top 40 hit by an openly lesbian group (somehow the Indigo Girls never got higher than #52). The song begins with the singer saying she’s 25 but is feeling discontent and confusion. She cries as a form of relief because she feels a little peculiar. In the morning she steps outside and yells “what’s going on?” She tries in this institution (which many think means the homophobic and sexist aspects of American) and she calls for a revolution. Since 1993, in many ways we have seen a revolution that is overturning many aspects of the homophobic restrictions that had gay people feeling stuck in an institution rather than able to fully be themselves.

1993 - Go West : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of the song by the Village People which imagines a utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. It’s a song of queer community & spirit, and we’ll all do it “Together!”

1993 - Come to my Window : Melissa Etheridge - Melissa came out publicly coming out as a lesbian and then released an album titled “Yes, I Am.” This song from the album is about a secret love. “Come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon.” Certainly many gay people know about keeping a love on the down low. The song’s bridge really voices what a lot of queer people feel: “I don’t care what they think, I don’t care what they say. What do they know about this love, anyway?”

1993 - Hero : Mariah Carey - The song has a message that really speak to LGBTQ people. Inside of every person is the ability to be your own hero. looking to yourself & finding the inner courage to be strong & believe in yourself through the hard ties. ”There's a hero if you look inside your heart. You don't have to be afraid of what you are.” And it goes on to speak about casting aside your fears and surviving and finding love within yourself. Btw, in 2016 Mariah was honored by GLAAD with the Ally Award, and she gave her definition of LGBTQ--”L: legendary. G: gorgeous. B: beautiful — all of you beautiful people! T: tantalizing, and even Q for quality!"

1994 - Streets of Philadelphia : Bruce Springsteen - Bruce wrote this haunting song for the film Philadelphia, which was about a lawyer who was fired for being gay & having HIV. This song is about a man dying of AIDS. The lyrics begin with him seeing his reflection, but the disease has given him lesions & he’s lost so much weight that he doesn’t even recognize his reflection. “Oh brother, are you gonna leave me wastin’ away on the streets of Philadelphia?” This line is asking how society could turn its back on those who need help the most, even here in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. As he’s walking the streets, he is thinking of friends who had died from AIDS. He can hear the blood pulsing in his veins, and he describes it as black, because HIV/AIDS is an infection of the blood and the disease is (figuratively) black and deadly. 

1995 - I Kissed a Girl : Jill Sobule - A song of yearning, confusion, and freedom

1995 - Queer : Garbage - The term “queer” in these lyrics meant odd or different, but Garbage is very open to the queer community and how we use that word.

1996 – Jesus to a Child : George Michael - The melancholy song is a tribute to Michael’s Brazilian lover Anselmo Feleppa. Feleppa died from an AIDS-related brain hemorrhage. The song’s rhythm and harmony is influenced by the Brazilian bossa nova style. Michael would always dedicate the song to Feleppa before performing it live.

1996 - Fastlove : George Michael - A guy was in a committed relationship that didn’t work out and now he just wants to not worry about love. “Had some bad love, so fast love is all that’s on my mind.” But even as he’s saying he’s seeking a casual hookup, keeps saying he misses his baby, being with someone he loves would be his preference.

1996 – Seasons of Love : Cast from the musical Rent  - What is the proper way is to measure the value of a year in human life? The most effective way is to “measure in love”. Since four of the lead characters have HIV or AIDS, the song is often associated with World AIDS Day and AIDS awareness month.

1997 - Go the Distance : Michael Bolton- This song from the Disney movie Hercules is about not belonging and declaring that no matter what struggles lie ahead, I’m going to find my place in the world. That's definitely inspiring.

1997 - You Have Been Loved : George Michael - George Michael wrote this song about Anselmo Feleppa, who died of an AIDS-related illness in 1993. The beginning of the song describes Anselmo’s mother, who visits his grave. The first chorus has Anselmo’s mother saying goodbye, telling him “You have been loved.” The ending chorus has Anselmo dying, telling George, “You have been loved.” The line, “If I was weak, forgive me; but I was terrified,” refers to the trauma George felt during Anselmo’s decline in health. While an intense song about grief and death, it also involves a spiritual struggle. Anselmo and his mother both say that God is not dead, George counters by challenging God. “What’s the use in pressing palms, if you [God] won’t keep such love from harm? It’s a cruel world. You’ve so much to prove.”

1997 - Come On, Eileen : Save Ferris - This is a remake of the 1982 hit by  Dexys Midnight Runners which was about getting a school girl to overcome her Catholic repression and begin a romantic (and possibly sexual) relationship. Only now a woman is singing about Eileen and that makes it a queer song.

1997 - Together Again : Janet Jackson - The album notes included: “I dedicate the song ‘Together Again’ to the friends I’ve lost to AIDS.” It’s a sweet song with hopeful words. “Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smilin’ back at me”

1998 - Diva : Dana International - Dana is a transgender woman who won the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest. It was the first major celebration of a trans artist on an international stage. Dana’s representation of her country Israel created a furor among Israel’s Orthodox Jewish community. After her win, she addressed her detractors. “My victory proves God is on my side,” read her statement. “I want to send my critics a message of forgiveness: try to accept me. I am what I am.” She was a beacon that many LGBTQ people in Israel list as their first hope that things could get better, that it is okay to be queer.

1998 - Reflection : Christina Aguilera - This song from the Disney movie Mulan is about how others don’t know the real you, which means the lyrics can fit the experience of being in the closet. “Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me. Every day it’s as if I play a part.” The song also is adopted by a lot of trans people because how they feel on the inside doesn’t match how they look on the outside. “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”

1998 - Believe : Cher - Whatever happens, you’ve gotta believe there’s something better coming. Keep going and loving, because the next love will be better. It’s about strength and power and hope. And the fact that it’s not always easy to be who you are.

1998 - Outside : George Michael - George Michael was entrapped by police committing a lewd act in a public men’s bathroom in Los Angeles under suspicious circumstances. The video mocks the way queer men are held to different standards about sex--many couples were caught getting frisky, but the gay couples are the ones arrested.  

1999 - Man! I Feel Like a Woman : Shania Twain - This is about going out, letting down your hair and having a good time. The message is she loves being a woman. “The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun.” My queer friends who identify as women love feeling like a woman.

1999 - There She Goes : Sixpence None the Richer - It’s surprising that a Christian band with a female singer does a song about being attracted to a woman who you just can’t get out of your brain. “There she goes. There she goes again. Racing through my brain. And I just can’t contain this feeling that remains.” 

1999 - When She Loved Me : Sarah McLachlan - This is from Toy Story 2, if you remove the idea this is about a toy, the lyrics are about a woman reminiscing a past female love.

2000 - It’s Not Right But It’s Okay (Thunderpuss mix) : Whitney Houston - “I’m gonna be okay, I’m gonna be alright” shows a certain defiance & determination to go on, a message that strikes a chord with LGBTQ people

2000 - Stronger : Britney -  This is a declaration of independence and self-empowerment. “You might think that I won't make it on my own, but now I'm stronger than yesterday.” Those are lyrics that queer people can embrace. We always can use an empowering dance song.

2001 - Androgyny : Garbage - I think this song has two messages. First, don’t dismiss people who don’t fit traditional gender roles. The other message is about trans individuals who “can’t see the point in going on,” they’re reminded that “nothing in life is set in stone, there’s nothing that can’t be turned around.” Trans individuals who were assigned female at birth may consider themselves “boys in the girls room.” Then when they decide to present themselves as male, others may consider them to be “girls in the men’s room.”

2001 - I Want Love : Elton John - This song is about a man who’s gone through some hard times, lost love, and as a result has built up some scars around his heart, but yet he wants love. Elton was mid-30′s at the time the song was released, which is a time a lot of people look at their life and want someone to settle down with, want a deeper connection with someone they can trust and have a long-lasting relationship.

2002 - Cherry Lips : Garbage - This song is inspired by a fictional trans woman. “Cherry Lips” talks about a boy looking like a girl who makes the whole world want to dance.

2002 - Beautiful : Christina Aguilera - This song affirms those who feel they don’t fit in. The video includes young people with body issues, a goth punk, a person assigned male at birth putting on women’s clothes and two guys kissing in public. “I am beautiful no matter what they say. Words can’t bring me down.” But songs can lift you up, and this one does.  

2003 – Defying Gravity : Idina Menzel – In this song from the musical Wicked, the character Elphaba sings of how she wants to live without limits, going against the rules that others have set for her. Plenty of queer people can relate.

2003 - Gay Bar : Electric Six - The words are straight forward, “I wanna take you to a gay bar.” The music video is nuts, lead singer Dick Valentine portrays Abraham Lincoln in the White House getting increasingly ready for the gay bar--loses the pants, exercises, takes a bath, wears bdsm leather. 

2003- If You Were Gay : Cast from the musical Avenue Q - An irreverent musical using puppets had this song between the characters that resemble Sesame Street’s Bert & Ernie. It’s about how a closeted person may have trouble accepting themselves, even if their friend is affirming. This performance of the song by the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus is delightful.

2003 – Me Against the Music : Britney Spears and Madonna - The music video shows Spears and Madonna playing opposites in a nightclub. A cat-and-mouse chase ensues, and Spears finds Madonna in the end, only for the latter to disappear just before they kiss.

2004 - Toxic : Britney Spears - This song is basically a girl addicted to a guy and she’ll do anything to get what she wants, and the taste of his lips is intoxicating. Idk why this became such an anthem in the LGBT community other than in the early 2000′s Britney’s presence in pop culture was dominant, and she was a supporter of the queer community, and each song she put out was more empowering, sexually playful, along with a sense of vulnerability. I think for a lot of bi & lesbian women, Britney played some part in their sexual awakening. Plus there’s a stereotype that gay people walk quickly, that’s because we have Toxic by Britney Spears (143 bpm) playing in our heads. 

2004 - Amazing : George Michael - After the painful and sudden death of his beloved Anselmo, George started a new relationship with Kenny. During that time, George’s mom was fighting cancer and Kenny was there for him. To be able to comfort a person in their time of grief and come out of it closer, that’s Amazing

2004 - Proud of Your Boy : Clay Aiken - This song was written for Aladdin and the words make me think of coming out and worrying what your parents are going to think and will they still be “proud of [their] boy”? Clay came out as gay a few years later in 2008.

2005 - Hung Up : Madonna -  It’s about living your best life and not wasting anymore time on men who wont call you. And it has that synthesizer riff from ABBA’s Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)

2006 - And I am Telling You : Jennifer Hudson - This song is about an underdog, and being LGBTQ makes us underdogs in our heteronormative society. “And I am telling you that I’m not going.” I’m going to be here and I’m going to thrive, I’m going to be me and you’re going to see me and “You’re Gonna Love Me.” 

2007 - Grace Kelly : MIKA - Mika wrote the song after he felt frustrated with record label executives who wanted him to change his sound to be more like another pop singer. Mika wrote “Grace Kelly” to reject pretending be someone else to win approval – in this case the glamorous actress Grace Kelly, or he “could channel a little Freddie” Mercury. Refusing to change who you are to find acceptance is the stuff gay anthems are made of. We love Mika because he’s authentically queer and has no interest in conforming and instead is his flamboyant self

2007 - Billy Brown : MIKA - It was all going according to plan for Billy Brown: he had a wife, two kids and a dog. Then he fell in love with another man.

2007 - Sweet Dreams : MIKA - Mika covers this 1983 Eurythmics’ anthem of resilience. The Eurythmics singer Annie Lennox was seen as something of a gender bender thanks to her buzz cut & men’s suits. This song acknowledges that sometimes life is hard, some people want to use or abuse you, but “hold your head up,” and keep moving on and you’re sure to leave the nightmare for a sweet dream.

2007 - I Don’t Dance : Corbin Bleu & Lucas Grabeel - This song from High School Musical 2 is where Chad, co-president of the drama club, is trying to get Ryan, co-president of the basketball team, to “swing” to the other side, if you know what I mean. The scene in the movie is about playing baseball, and at the end of it, the two of them are sitting together wearing the other’s clothes. Guess Chad got Ryan to swing.  

2008 - Talk About Love : MIKA - Super catchy chorus, he’s fallen in love and now all he wants to talk about is his new love.

2008 - Just Dance : Lady Gaga - This is Gaga’s first hit and she tells herself to just dance and everything will be okay. Whatever hard things are going on in our life, sometimes we have to take a break from them, and dance. Lady Gaga performed this at the inaugural NewNowNext Awards, which were broadcast on the Logo network in June 2008. Logo is targeted to the gay community

2008 - I Kissed a Girl : Katy Perry - Katy has a boyfriend, but she kissed a girl and liked it. Don’t pretend you don’t want to run to the nearest drugstore for some new cherry chapstick after listening to this song. This song isn’t about being bi, it’s about experimenting.  

2008 - Poker Face : Lady Gaga - “Poker Face” is all about masking your sexuality. During a performance in 2009, Gaga explained that the song dealt with her personal experience with bisexuality. When she’s with a man but fantasizing about a woman, she’s got a “Poker Face” so he won’t know what is going through her mind.

2009 - Cover Girl : RuPaul - The theme song to the RuPaul’s Drag Race TV show which brought Drag performance and culture to the masses.  

2009 - You Belong with Me : Taylor Swift - Not 👏 a 👏 single 👏 male 👏 pronoun 👏 in 👏 sight! The singer is pining over her close friend, who is dating a girl who doesn’t really get them. There’s nothing stopping us from reading this as a girl crushing on her gay best friend.

2009 - Bulletproof : La Roux - Everyone was asking if singer Elly Jackson was a lesbian or bi and she was vague in answering. She had a girlfriend but was worried what coming out would mean for her career. She still doesn’t like labels, she feels androgynous but more feminine than masculine, and she doesn’t call herself “gay”, “straight” or “bisexual.” However, she says "if people want to hold me up as a gay role model, absolutely, I’m proud to be that, but I don’t feel the need to say that I’m gay to do it.” The song is about a girl who has been through a lot of bad relationships and hopes that "next time maybe, I'll be bulletproof" meaning she hopes she doesn't get hurt in the next relationship she's in.

2009 - Bad Romance : Lady Gaga - First, it’s gender neutral so any of us can sing without translating pronouns. Second, it’s about loving someone completely, including their “bad” parts, “I want your ugly, i want your disease.” Third, Lady Gaga showed up to the 2010 MTV Music Awards w/ four members of the U.S. military who had been discharged or resigned because of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy. When she went on stage to receive the Video of the Year award for “Bad Romance,” Gaga wore the now-infamous “meat dress,” as a way to show her anger about the military’s anti-LGBTQ policy. “If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones.”

2009 - Whataya Want From Me : Adam Lambert - I wonder if this song is referencing when he was figuring out his sexuality with words like “Yeah, it’s plain to see, baby you’re beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s me, I’m a freak.”

2010 - Cold War : Janelle Monáe - The song starts off saying “being alone's the only way to be. When you step outside, you spend life fighting for your sanity.” The chorus is how this is a cold war and knowing what you’re fighting for. Then there’s a bridge about strengthening the weak and if we unite and have faith in love then the mighty will crumble. This is followed by “I was made to believe there was something wrong with me.” So powerful. Alone we feel weak and need to hide, but united we are strong. Janelle has said this and additional songs about being the “other” can be about being a lesbian or being a gay man or being a black woman.

2010 - If I Had You : Adam Lambert - I love how the beginning sounds like Adam is going out to a gay club “So I got my boots on, got the right amount of leather, and I’m doing me up with a black color liner, and I’m working my strut.” Not the way we usually hear about a guy getting ready for a night out  

2010 - Dancing on my Own : Robyn - It’s a break up song. “Somebody said you got a new friend. Does she love you better than I can?” But with a great dance beat like this, it’s a sure bet Robyn won’t be dancing on her own for long.

2010 - All the Lovers : Kylie Minogue - A feel-good dance track about love. The video has people strip down to their underwear, form a pyramid and begin kissing. All sorts of people kissing, very pansexual.  

2010 - Mine : Taylor Swift - This is a song about a careless man’s careful daughter going off to college and falling in love with a small town waitress. That’s it. That’s the song.

2010 - Ice Cream Truck : Cazwell - This is something of a guilty pleasure. It’s a cute, simple and upbeat 1980’s-style hip-hop summer anthem that conveys happiness about being gay. I would describe the video as delightfully raunchy, a bunch of shirtless male dancers licking their popsicles (and a couple of butts also make an appearance)

2010 - Raise Your Glass : P!nk - The song is a call to the underdogs of the world, the “loud and nitty-gritty dirty little freaks,” to ignore convention and just let loose. Lyrics like these are so relatable: “So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, all my underdogs.” Plus, the video has her singing at a gay wedding.

2010 - We R Who We R : Ke$ha - After a news story that bullying led to multiple suicides of gay youth, Ke$ha wrote this song in hopes that it would become a Pride anthem. The song is intended to inspire people to be themselves, and as a celebration of anyone deemed quirky or eccentric. Kesha was upset people have to hide themselves and pretend to be someone other than who they are in order to be safe.

2010 - Firework : Katy Perry - Everyone is a firework–an ordinary, ugly, or insignificant wrapping but in the right situation, they ignite and show how amazing, extraordinary, and beautiful each of us is. No wonder it’s loved by the queer community, once we come out, others see we’re bright and beautiful. The video features a scene in which two boys passionately kiss. And the lyrics “after the hurricane comes a rainbow” fits because rainbows are tied to the LGBTQ community. Katy Perry dedicated this song to the “It Gets Better” video campaign aimed at gay youth who may feel alone or suicidal. 

2010 - Teenage Dream : Glee Cast - This song being sung by one boy for another was a big moment on a big TV show.

2010 - F**kin’ Perfect : P!nk - With all the negative messages we grow up hearing about our gender identity or sexual orientation, it’s so affirming to hear “Don’t you ever ever feel like your less than, less than perfect”

2011 - Born This Way : Lady Gaga - Many songs hint at queer identities and acceptance by using metaphors, but not this one, it is direct. “No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender life, I’m on the right track, baby, I was born to survive.”

2011 – Mean : Taylor Swift – This is an anti-bullying public service announcement. Even more than others, Queer kids are subject to bullying, so a song addressing the topic resonates. And then there’s a lyric about moving to the big city, which for us can be understood as a place where it’s safe to be gay. “Someday I’ll be living in a big old city, and all you’re ever going to be is mean.”

2011 - Americano : Lady Gaga - This song is about the unjust laws that exist in America, particularly regarding immigration and gay rights. The scenario is she falls in love with a girl from East L.A. (heavily Hispanic population) but can’t marry due to the laws prohibiting gay marriage. As to the “I don’t speak your Americano, I don’t speak your language oh no, I don’t speak your Jesus Cristo” I think it’s rejecting the religious rhetoric used to justify the laws.

2011 – Call Me Maybe : Carly Rae Jepsen - The video begins with Carly Rae spying on her attractive neighbor as he is working on his lawn. She tries to get his attention with various provocative poses only for her neighbor to give his phone number to Carly Rae’s male band mate

2011 - We Found Love : Rihanna - Finding love in a hopeless place, for many queer people this can be what it’s like in a heteronormative society, or when we’re in the closet and find someone. Or also that hard transition to accept & love yourself, and then going from that to hoping to find someone.

2011 - Take a Bow : Matt Alber - A beautiful, heartfelt cover of the 1994 Madonna song with just a guitar for accompaniment. With an openly gay man singing the words, it transforms this into a gay love song.

2011 – Titanium : David Guetta feat. Sia – The openly queer singer Sia wrote this song about enduring everything the world throws at you and coming out stronger

2012 - Starships : Nikki Minaj - The lyric "starships are meant to fly," is a line about reaching one's full potential in life. A great song to sing when needing motivation to just go for it and not let other people’s ideas or judgements box you in. Nikki has been an ally to the queer community. On MTV she encouraged her gay fans to be fighters and to be brave, and she canceled a concert in Saudi Arabia to show support for women and LGBT+ people in the country.

2012 – Thinkin About You : Frank Ocean – Just before this song was released, Frank Ocean came out. There haven’t been many hip-hop stars who are openly gay. And it got me wondering who it is he’s been thinking about?

2012 - Same Love : Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - I have a nephew who got called gay for wearing stylish clothes, being neat, and interested in art & music. He had a hard time accepting that his uncle (me) is gay because of his experience, and it made me think of this song.

2012 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) : Matt Alber - A gay man singing the big Whitney Houston hit about wanting to dance with someone.

2012 - Wings : Little Mix - Little Mix is a British girl band well-known for being LGBTQ Allies and including LGBTQ themes in their songs. Wings is about believing in yourself and not letting anyone put you down, a message that resonates with their LGBTQ fans.

2012 - Let’s have a Kiki : Scissor Sisters -  A drag performer is heading out to put on a show, but when she arrives at the club it’s been shut down by the police. So she calls up a friend and announces “We’re coming over and having a kiki.”

2012 - Closer : Tegan and Sara - Not many bands are made up of twin lesbian sisters. This song is really cute. The lyrics are about the anticipation before the kiss, before anything gets physical. 

2012 - For All : Far East Movement - As the fight for marriage equality was taking place, this group sang “Love is for all. Life is for all. Dreams are for all. Hope is for all. Feel the love from everybody in the crowd now, this is for y’all, this is for all.” The video intersperses some uplifting words from President Obama.

2012 - They Don’t Know About Us : One Direction - People tell a couple they shouldn’t be together and that their love isn’t real. Sound like something a queer couple might hear? In the song, no one can stop them, they’re together for life. Also, people thought this song might have been hinting about Larry Stylinson (Louis & Harry).

2012 – Somebody Loves You : Betty Who - The song keeps saying “somebody loves you,” and that somebody is the person singing the song. Most people discovered this song from a viral video of a gay marriage proposal at a Salt Lake City Home Depot

2013 - Lay Me Down : Sam Smith - A melancholy song with a video to match of a husband being buried and Sam saying to also Lay Me Down. But then Sam reminisces about a happier, more blissful time–their gay wedding that was held at the same church.

2013 - People Like Us : Kelly Clarkson - the song is about all the people who are brave enough to challenge the social norms to bring about change in the world. These words in particular strike me, “this is the life that we choose” and “come out, come out if you dare.”

2013 - Popular Song : MIKA feat. Ariana Grande - This is an imaginative updating of the song “Popular” from the musical Wicked. The lyrics are about how being popular and cool in school isn’t enough, and those who bullied others grow up to not be so popular. In other words, the tables will turn, you’ll need more to be successful than being popular. 

2013 - Brave : Sara Bareilles - Sara wrote this song of courage as a love letter to a friend who was struggling as an adult to come out as gay.

2013 - Q.U.E.E.N. : Janelle Monáe - The title is an acronym for Queer, Untouchables, Emigrants, Excommunicated, and Negroid. The song is about the empowerment of oppressed people. Monáe uses a question-answer format to explain stereotypes, misconceptions, and oppression.

2013 - Cameron : Jilette Johnson - The song is inspired by a real life Cameron the singer knew & loved. Cameron is a young gender-non-conforming person who isn’t accepted by their family or society. The singer repeats, over and over, that Cameron isn’t the alien the world thinks they are – “Cameron, you’re a star, a light where there is dark. And you’re a hundred times a woman, a hundred times the man that they are.”  

2013 - All Night : Icona Pop - The song is about expressing yourself, and that life gets better and we will find ourselves dancing. The video is about the LGBT house ballroom subculture.

2013 - She Keeps Me Warm : Mary Lambert - A beautiful song about how women can love each other, protect each other and desire each other. And the lyrics “not crying on Sundays,” I think means not believing the damning words preached by religion about being gay

2013 – Take Me to Church : Hozier - This is a ode to worshiping in the bedroom. Hozier is an outspoken LGBTQ ally and the music video depicts two gay men being ripped apart by homophobic violence in Russia. It brought international attention to the anti-gay laws in Russia.

2013 - Work Bitch : Britney Spears - The things you want in life are attainable but you gotta focus and work. Britney wrote this song with her gay friends in mind. “I don’t call everyone… that word. I just use it as, it’s like in respect to the gays as a term of endearment.”

2013 - Girls/Girls/Boys : Panic! At the Disco - There is a love triangle between a boy and two girls, and the boy is being played off against a girl for the other girl’s attention. Pansexual rock star Brendon Urie sings “Girls love girls and boys. Love is not a choice.”

2013 - Follow Your Arrow : Kacey Musgraves - “kiss lots of boys – or kiss lots of girls, if that’s something you’re into.” It's sad that a one-liner about kissing whoever you like is still controversial in Country music today, but I love her poking holes in that genre’s homophobia.

2013 - Let It Go : Idina Menzel - From the movie Frozen, this song says to abandon the fear and shame, be yourself, be powerful. The lyrics could almost come from an It Gets Better video about embracing who you are. And these lines are how it feels after some time has passed and we look back at our coming out experience: “It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all”

2014 - Sleeping with a Friend : Neon Trees - Glenn Tyler says he was thinking of a straight male friend when he wrote this (but used female pronouns in the song). It’s an unusual love song because it’s a cautionary tale of hooking up with someone you’re close with.

2014 - Rise Like a Phoenix - Conchita Wurst - The lyrics are about combating prejudice and the judgement of others in modern society. Conchita won Eurovision singing this song while wearing a gown, makeup and a beard.

2014 – Stay With Me : Sam Smith – One night Sam fell for someone, but they didn't feel the same. Good ol’ unrequited love. Sam used this music video to come out as gay by admitting the person being sung about is a man.

2014 - Sissy that Walk : RuPaul - A perfect walkway song for all those drag queens, and any of the rest of us, who want to strut what we got

2014 - Really Don’t Care : Demi Levato - The video starts off with Lovato expressing her support for the LGBTQ community and saying that “My Jesus loves all.” The music starts and Levato is singing at a Pride parade. Demi said “When I thought of the lyrics ‘really don’t care’, it made me think of bullying, and made me think of the LGBTQ community, who deal with that so often, but they accept themselves.”

2014 - Break Free : Ariana Grande feat. Zedd - Ariana’s older brother is gay and she grew up around his friends, she’s an ally. And the words of this song, “I’m stronger than I’ve been before. This is the part when I break free ’cause I can’t resist it no more” has the theme often found in gay anthems--that things are tough, but I’m tougher and going to make it. Breaking free of what the world wants you to be to become who you truly are has made this song a coming-out anthem.  

2014 - Secrets : Mary Lambert - We grow up hiding things about ourselves, we all have secrets, but how much better when we don’t care if the world knows our secrets. “They tell us from the time we’re young to hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves inside ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else. Well I’m over it”

2014 - Feeling Good : George Michael - This is the final song released by George before his death. It expresses a particular kind of joy which comes with liberation from oppression. Nina Simone’s stunning vocal performance of this song in the 1960’s during the Civil Rights movement made it a manifesto of that movement’s burning desire for freedom. And then here is George Michael, a gay man, and the song is born again as a desire for the queer community to be liberated from oppression.

2014 - Centuries : Fall Out Boy - Peter Wentz, one of the co-writers of this song, says the idea is a “David vs.Goliath story” meant to empower people who are a little weird. Justin Tranter, another of the co-writers, revealed in 2018 that trans pioneer Marsha P. Johnson was the inspiration for the song. When making the announcement, Tranter said, “I want every LGBTQ person to know that our ideas are mainstream. We have stories to tell and people will f*cking listen”

2014 - Put ‘Em Up : Priory - The song begins with a religious mom saying her trans kid has some kind of sickness. The mom may not be happy, but “we're hangin' with the boys that look like girls tonight” and “we're hangin' with the girls that look like boys alright”. The video features trans & gay people.

2014 - Jessie’s Girl : Mary Lambert - This is a remake of the 1981 hit song by Rick Springfield, but now it’s a woman longing for Jessie’s girl.

2014 - First Time He Kissed a Boy : Kadie Elder - This is about recognizing your sexual orientation at a young age and the difficulties that can follow. Being a teen isn’t easy and the choices teens have to make aren’t easy, but if you are brave enough and stand up for yourself, you might shock others but you might also become happy. It has a gay-positive video that tells the story in a touching way.

2014 - Welcome to New York : Taylor Swift - An insecure girl falls in love with a city where you can want who you want. “When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors, took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer. Everybody here was someone else before, and you can want who you want: boys and boys and girls and girls”

2014 - Little Game : Benny - Many people may know Benny from his YouTube channel. Little Games is about the ways in which rigid concepts of gender still dictate our behavior today. I think the creepy and catchy melody & video are a good match for the lyrics “play our little game"  

2015 - All-American Boy : Steve Grand - A Country song that tells the story of a gay young man in love with a straight male friend.

2015 - Don’t Wait : Joey Graceffa -  Joey is a well-known YouTube personality and with this song he came out. The song says to not wait for the world to get ready but to go explore and find what you’re looking for. The video is the adorable queer fairy tale we’ve all been waiting for. I love these lyrics, “The darkness can be such a lonely place on your own, I’ll be your compass so you’ll never feel alone.”

2015 - Calling Me : Aquilo - Growing up, we all grapple with who we are and who we want to become. We all go through a period of being unsure of our personality, creativity and perhaps even our sexuality. We have to battle to not be defined by what others think of us, but to believe in ourselves. It’s a battle we’ve all had to fight. In the video, the singer learns to stay strong, keep his head high and accept who he is, even if others can’t.

2015 - Good Guys : MIKA - Mika plays off the 1997 Paula Cole hit “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone” but instead asks “Where have all the gay guys gone?“  Mika shifts “gay guys” to “good guys” and lists his queer heroes who helped him get to where he is, while also looking forward to what the future holds for the LGBTQ community.  

2015 - Body was Made : Ezra Furman -  Ezra says this “is a protest song against the people and forces that would make me ashamed of my body, my gender and my sexuality.” This song’s message is taking ownership of your own body and identity, and not letting anybody else interfere with that. Furman identifies as trans and bisexual, and uses he/him and she/her pronouns

2015 - No Place in Heaven : MIKA - He’s singing about how there’s no place in heaven for gay people. “Father, won’t you forgive me for my sins? Father, if there’s a heaven let me in”

2015 - Girls Like Girls : Hayley Kiyoko - This was Hayley’s unofficial coming out as a lesbian and in this song she sings that “Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new” The video has some images of violence as a boy is angry that his girlfriend likes girls, but in the end the lesbians win.

2015 - Cool for the Summer : Demi Levato - She is curious and has a woman she’s gonna spend the summer exploring with. “Got a taste for the cherry and I just need to take a bite.”

2015 – Run Away with Me : Carly Rae Jepson - Carly Rae sings about getting away with someone for the weekend. Whether it’s just that your schedules have kept you busy or you have to keep this secret (“I’ll be your sinner in secret”), it’s very romantic. Oh, and lack of gendered pronouns makes it even more relatable to the queer community.

2015 - Alive : Sia - The song is about someone who had a tough life, but says “I’m still breathing, I’m alive.” It is the personification of resilience and perseverance.

2015 - Youth : Troye Sivan - It’s a really beautiful song about giving the best years of yourself to someone you love. The video features gay couples.

2015 - Genghis Khan : Mike Snow - This video surprised me the first time I saw it. A James Bond-type hero & villain fall for each other.  

2016 - Unstoppable : Sia - Instead of just surviving, Sia is going to prove to people that she’s going to succeed. And like her, this song helps us put our armor on so we also feel strong and get through the day and smash through barricades.

2016 - Secret Love Song : Little Mix - Secret Love Song could be heard as being about the struggles faced by LGBTQ people when coming to terms with their sexuality and showing affection in public. I especially like the Secret Love Song, Part II version as the video makes clear the LGBTQ meaning.

2016 – Formation : Beyoncé – At the GLAAAD Media Awards, Beyoncé used the lyrics from this Black-power anthem to advocate for gay rights when she said “LGBTQIA rights are human rights. To choose who you love is your human right. How you identify and see yourself is your human right. Who you make love to and take that ass to Red Lobster is your human right,”

2016 - Son of a Preacher Man : Tom Goss - This 1968 song gets a surprising gay update. The video tells the story of two gay teens struggling to understand their sexuality and feelings for one another while operating within the confines of an evangelical church.

2016 - Boyfriend : Tegan and Sara - This song tells the exhausting story of someone you’re basically dating, but they won’t come out in the open and admit it because they’re scared, confused, and insecure about their sexuality. “I don’t wanna be your secret anymore.”

2016 - I Am What I Am : Ginger Minj - This song is from a Broadway show about drag queens. The message is you only get one life so take your shots, whether or not they succeed, it’s better to live your life authentically as who you are. And I love this video featuring Drag Queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race.

2016 - The Greatest : Sia - Dedicated to the LGBTQ community in the wake of the Pulse shooting, Sia begs us to not give up and to still follow our dreams. The video features 49 dancers, one for each victim of the shooting. The song celebrates the spirit of being defiant and trying to be the best you can be in the face of adversity, which is something the LGBTQ community have managed to do for many decades. Yet despite the uplifting, catchy music and lyrics, there’s also a sense of tragedy about how that spirit and potential came to an abrupt end for the victims of the shooting.

2016 - G.D.M.M.L. Grls : Tyler Glenn - Despite the best efforts by this gay man to make church work, it didn’t work out because God Didn’t Make Me Like Girls.

2016 - Heaven : Troye Sivan feat. Betty Who - Troye sings candidly about what it’s like for a religious teenager to come out as gay. “Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven? All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken, oh, so if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven?” Troye explains “When I first started to realise that I might be gay, I had to ask myself all these questions—these really really terrifying questions. Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to be able to have a family? If there is a God, does that God hate? If there is a heaven, am I ever going to make it to heaven?” The video features footage from LGBTQ protests throughout history.

2016 - Devil : Tyler Glenn - A song that highlights the conflict between religious belief and queerness. “I found myself when I lost my faith” and not being able to “pray the gay away.” The constant in his world, what he’s anchoring himself to, is that his mom still loves him, and I love that because studies show the acceptance & love of a parent makes a huge difference when someone comes out.  

2016 - Midnight : Tyler Glenn - The Neon Trees frontman gives an emotional song about his departure from the Mormon church, but not from God. The ballad is accompanied by a video that shows Glenn removing his religious garments and replacing them with a glittering jacket.

2016 – I Know a Place : MUNA – This is a song of safety & nonviolence, which is important to the LGBTQ community as there’s many times we don’t feel safe being open about who we are and who we love. All three members of MUNA are queer. This song came out around the time of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando which shattered that feeling of safety people thought they had in queer bars, clubs and spaces where we don’t have to hide who we are and should be free to be ourselves.

2016 - Boys Will Be Boys : Benny - The phrase “Boys will be boys” is typically used to excuse toxic masculinity, but this song turns it on its head. Benny wants “boys will be boys” to mean each person is different and doesn’t need to follow specific gender roles. Whatever a boy is, that’s what a boy will be.  

2017 - Believer : Imagine Dragons - The adversity you come across in life is what helps you grow to become a “believer” in yourself. "Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain / My life, my love, my drive, it came from / Pain / You made me a, you made me a believer, believer." This song was being written around the time of the election of Donald Trump, and one of the co-writers, Justin Tranter, expressed fear about the future. This song is the result--speak our truth no matter what comes our way.

2017 - You Will Be Found : Ben Platt - This song from Dear Evan Hansen means a lot to me. There’s a gay teen who says this is our song because I found him when he most needed help. But for everyone, this song is hopeful that when you need it, someone will be there for you.

2017 - Symphony : Clean Bandit - As a musician, I really like the imagery of the lyrics--Before all I heard was silence by now with you I’m hearing symphonies, “And now your song is on repeat, and I’m dancin’ on to your heartbeat. And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete.” The video shows a loving queer black couple torn apart by catastrophe and a reminder that music & art are a way for us to deal with grief and celebrate our loved ones.  

2017 - 1-800-273-8255 : Logic - This is a song about a closeted guy who is suicidal and calls a help line. The operator wants him to be alive and helps save him in that moment.

2017 - Bad Liar : Selena Gomez - The video portrays a love triangle (with each character played by Selena)–a curious high school student, seductive gym coach and a male teacher. Towards the end of the video, the high school student sings the line, “With my feelings on fire, guess I’m a bad liar,” as she looks at a photo of the gym teacher. It’s a scene that shows the fear & bravery of acknowledging and declaring our sexuality—a moment many queer people know

2017 - Love is Love is Love : LeeAnn Rimes - This song celebrates the LGBTQ community. Rimes said that “A ‘Pride’ celebration is a living thing. It is breathing authenticity. It’s a space we hold for one another, a place to come into what our souls move us to be, it’s a place in love and only love,” adding “That’s why the LGBTQ community continues to inspire me and enliven my spirit every time I perform for them.”

2017 - Swish Swish : Katy Perry - A song about fighting against bullies, “Swish Swish” uses basketball metaphors to talk about overcoming hateful people and thriving. That’s a theme that LGBTQ+ people can identify with.

2017 - If They Only Knew : Alfie Arcuri - The song is of a previous relationship where Arcuri’s ex-partner’s parents didn’t know he was gay. Arcuri explained “We were together for a couple of years and half way through the relationship he came out. The song is almost like a diary entry for me telling his parents how innocent our love and relationship was because to them I was like the devil who turned their son gay. It wasn’t like that at all though, it was a beautiful love.” The video is a short film that shows one guy in the closet and his friend helping him see it’s okay to be gay.

2017 - Power : Little Mix - Willam, Alaska and Courtney Act from RuPaul’s Drag Race are featured in this video. The song is about gender politics in a relationship.

2017 - Cut to the Feeling : Carly Rae Jepson - This is a song about liking someone and wanting to skip past all the awkward introductions and just get to the feelings where they’re being real with each other, dancing together and celebrating love. That already works as a queer song, and then add to it this viral video by Mark Kanemura. When she played at a Pride celebration, Carly Rae had Mark reenact his dance to the song 

2017 - The Village : Wrabel - Just because transphobia is common, it doesn’t mean it is right or that you are wrong. There’s a line in the song that hits me hard, “One line in the Bible isn’t worth a life.” And the video is beautiful, very poignant and it breaks my heart and gives me hope.

2017 - Heaven : State of Sound - A remake of the 1984 Bryan Adams song which was a standard love song of a boy and a girl. However, there were no gendered pronouns in the song and State of Sound’s video shows it works just as well for all sorts of queer couples

2017 - Bad at Love : Halsey - Halsey flips through all the guys and girls she’s dated in an attempt to understand why she hasn’t yet found love. Queen of bisexual relatability!

2017 - Feelings : Hayley Kiyoko - This song is about having a crush on someone. The video has Hayley chasing after a girl

2017 - This is Me : Keala Settle - The song from The Greatest Showman sings of resilience in the face of hardship — which, after all, is what Pride is all about. “Another round of bullets hits my skin. Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in”

2017 - HIM : Sam Smith - This is a song about a boy in Mississippi coming out and the conflict between his sexuality and his religious upbringing and how he is grappling with the feeling that there’s no place in religion for him because he’s gay. And the “Him” being sung is used both for God and for a boy he likes.

2017 - A Million Dreams : P!nk - this song from The Greatest Showman is about the power of positive thinking, faith and believing in your dreams. For queer people, it’s a reminder that we are building a better world.

2017 - This is Me : Kesha - A great cover of the song from The Greatest Showman.

2018 - My My My! : Troye Sivan - Troye said “'My My My!’ is a song of liberation, freedom, and love. “Throw all inhibition to the wind, be present in your body, love wholeheartedly, move the way you’ve always wanted to, and dance the way you feel”  

2018 - Curious : Hayley Kiyoko - “Curious” is a term used in the LGBTQ community to express same-sex experimentation. In the song Hayley uses it to ask, “I’m just curious, is it serious?” Hayley says she wrote the song about a past relationship with a closeted woman, as well as various romantic experiences with women who were unsure about their sexuality

2018 - Perfect : Alex G - This cover of the Ed Sheeran song is beautiful. And because Alex doesn’t change the pronouns, it’s a very sweet lesbian love song.

2018 - Only You : Cheat Codes & Little Mix - A video with a lesbian mermaid? Yes, please!

2018 - Make Me Feel : Janelle Monáe - Sexuality is simply how a person makes you feel, regardless of gender. The music video for ”Make Me Feel” features Janelle crawling between women’s legs and grinding up on both a male and female love interest under bisexual lighting.

2018 - Sanctify : Years & Years - This song is about a relationship the singer had with a straight man. “On the one hand, the guy is struggling with his sexuality and feeling unable to express himself as anything other than straight while also desiring me. I’m on the other side feeling like both a sinner and saint or a devil and angel, leading this guy down a path of ‘sinfulness’ while, at the same time, helping him explore his sexuality.“

2018 - Kiss the Boy : Keiynan Lonsdale - While he doesn’t ascribe to a specific label in terms of his sexuality, Keiynan is openly attracted to both genders – and in Love, Simon, he played the enigmatic Blue, love interest of Simon. The video is adorable & super-inclusive

2018 - Never Been In Love : Will Jay - It’s such a great bop and I have loved Will Jay since his IM5 days, and this seems perfect for my ace/aro friends. “I’m not missing out so don’t ask me again. Thanks for your concern, but here’s the thing, I’ve never been in love and it’s all good”

2018 - PYNK : Janelle Monáe - Monáe says the color pink “unites all of humanity” because it is the color “found in the deepest and darkest nooks and crannies of humans everywhere.” The video finds Monáe and Tessa Thompson (her girlfriend at the time) along with a group of other women dancing in a desert, having a slumber party and sitting out by a pool while expressing appreciation for the vagina, including some iconic pussy pants. Truly a testament to the power of pink.

2018 - High Hopes : Panic! At the Disco - Brendon Urie says the uplifting message of “High Hopes” is “No matter how hard your dreams seem, keep going.” The lyrics say “It's uphill for oddities,” which is how it can feel being queer in a heteronormative world, but “don't give up, it's a little complicated.” It’s complicated but doable. Urie created the Highest Hopes Foundation, an organization that assists nonprofit organizations in human rights efforts across the globe. “I want to join in on the fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. This is dedicated to all people and communities who are subject to discrimination or abuse on the basis of gender, race, religion, sexual orientation and gender identity.” The foundation donated $1 million dollars to Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) to establish Gay-Straight Alliance clubs at high schools across the United States.

2018 - All Things : Betty Who - This is the theme song for the wildly popular Netflix show Queer Eye.

2018 - Dance to This : Troye Sivan (feat. Ariana Grande) - According to Sivan, the song is about “that moment when you feel like you’ve been to enough house parties or events, and staying home, making out in the kitchen and cooking dinner sounds like a much, much better alternative”

2018 – Boys : Lizzo – Lizzo sings a song about all the boys she loves, and plenty of gay boys sing along and cheer when reaching the lyrics “From the playboys to the gay boys. Go and slay, boys, you my fave boys”

2018 - Promises : Calvin Harris, Sam Smith - The music video is a glittery homage to vogueing and drag ballroom culture.

2018 - Bloom : Troye Sivan - Our first mainstream pop song about bottoming. This song is a thinly veiled description of Troye losing his virginity “I bloom, I bloom, just for you.” Or maybe it’s just about flowers.

2018 - No Matter What : Calum Scott - This is a lovely song about a son coming out to his mom and her responding that she loves him no matter what. “I just want you to be happy and always be who you are.” She wrapped her arms around me, said, "Don’t try to be what you’re not ‘cause I love you no matter what”

2018 - Old Town Road : Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus - Lil Nas had the biggest hit song ever and came out as gay, and now his choice in cowboy apparel makes sense

2019 - Juice : Lizzo - Lizzo’s message of radical self-love that celebrates the beauty of being different has earned her a huge queer following. Her work is inspired by the difficulty she felt growing up in a world that told her that she did not fit in. She now spreads a message of acceptance and love. “Juice,” is upbeat and fun, full of confidence-boosting lyrics. She made a video for “Juice,” featuring Drag Race alumni.

2019 - Rainbow : Kacey Musgrave - The song is about hope that the bad times will one day be over. Musgraves hopes it will serve as an anthem for those facing adversity, particularly in the LGBTQ community. “I feel a kinship and a friendship with that community. They really opened my eyes up to a lot of different things that I wasn’t aware of growing up in a small town in Texas. I will always be an ally and a strong supporter. ‘Rainbow’ is something that I can dedicate to that community, but also to anyone who has any kind of a weight on their shoulders."

2019 - ME! : Taylor Swift (feat. Brandon Urie) - This is a campy, bubbly song about embracing one’s individuality. "I’m the only one of me and that’s the fun of me.”

2019 - Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels : Todrick Hall - A fun song and video about being who you are and using that to strut and slay

2019 - Love Yourself : Sufjan Stevens - The lyrics are asking us to love ourselves and to show the reasons we believe in ourselves. I especially like this imagery “Make a shelf. Put all the things on that you believe in.” This song was specifically released for Pride month.

2019 - You Need to Calm Down : Taylor Swift - an entire verse that’s literally about going to a Pride parade. The video features a large number of celebrity cameos, many of whom are LGBTQ, including Queer Eye's Fab Five, figure skater Adam Rippon, singer Adam Lambert, television personality Ellen DeGeneres, entertainers Billy Porter and RuPaul, and numerous Drag Queens from  RuPaul's Drag Race who in the video impersonate famous women.

2019 - Higher Love : Kygo & Whitney Houston - Whitney recorded a cover of the Steve Winwood song “Higher Love,” but only released it in Japan. The Houston estate selected the DJ Kygo to remix Whitney’s version of the song. Kygo embued it with all the EDM sounds you’d expect from a 2019 dance song and debuted the song at Pride in New York City

2019 - American Boy : Years & Years - A cover of the Kanye & Estelle song, sung by Olly Alexander, a gay man, who is the lead singer for the band Years & Years. With Olly singing, this makes the song about one guy crushing on another guy  

2019 - Tiny Love : MIKA - Mika said that he wanted to capture the idea that love can feel enormous, "yet at the same time it’s so tiny and imperceivable to others.” True love is not “a sunrise over canyons shaped like hearts,” or “bursting into song in Central Park.” Rather, it’s “a ‘still-there-Monday-morning’ kind of love.”

2019 - I Rise : Madonna - This song was made specifically to honor the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots, and to inspire marginalized people to stand up and fight. It is about resilience, of surviving and rising up from adversity. The video includes footage of Parkland H.S. shooting survivors, LGBTQ supporters, women’s rights protesters, Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman’s testimony about sexual abuse and other social justice movements

2019 - I Feel Love : Sam Smith - Sam remakes the 1977 classic from Donna Summer, a song about loving your body and your desires. The high notes on this song are so exciting  

2019 - Show Yourself : Idina Menzel, Evan Rachel Wood - This song from Frozen 2 is about Elsa being ready to be vulnerable and bare her soul. This song has been adopted by the queer community as a coming out anthem.

2019 - Believe : Adam Lambert - A remake of the 1998 song by Cher that is embraced by many LGBTQ people, and it’s absolutely gorgeous 

2020 - I’m Ready (with Demi Lovato) : Sam Smith - The song is about being ready for a new love. The video is basically the Glam Olympics 

#PRIDE playlist

[ziracona]

so can u tell us a little about ur characterization of Lisa?? What's she like inside and outside of trials? Does she have a lot of lucidity, what were her relationships with others like, would she ever get better, do you think? ( im SAD.) Just. What's she like!! Also, same for Sally? Oh! And I'm rly enjoying two songs by Meg Myers which maybe you'll like? Running up that hill (Cover) and Desire. Maybe check em out? :3 - Sleepy

Sure!

My Lisa is from a bit before the archives for her placed her (early 1970s), because I wrote ILM back when there was no date given for many killers or survivors, so I just hoped they were historically accurate with the things they did mention & went through a fairly exhaustive list of drained swamps in the Southern US & paddleboat makes & placed her according to that data (it’s been a bit so I don’t remember the exact date without looking up my notes) in the 1920s-1930s, I believe? And in her early 20s, since she’s described as a girl & young woman, which DbD usually does only for characters in their early 20s. (Which I’d still assume is her age, bc even though her archives, if you go by them, have her in her teens, they’re not connected to the events of her disappearance/definitely happened before them.)

In trials, Lisa has like 0 lucidity. I talk about this some in chapter notes, so I’ll try to give a quick overview instead but sry if I restart myself. She’s so starved that any time she sees a living being, she is just completely overcome with hunger and can’t do anything but operate on it. Very scary. Feral. Like being attacked by a starving animal. She’s super out of it, and is completely wild and violent and has no control, only the need to eat. Outside of trials, if no one is around, she’s lucid again, but will remember trials and what she did to people, and spends that time in horror and despair. She’s tried to kill herself before, because the last thing she ever wanted was to become the thing she swore vengeance on (the Entity’s a real cruel motherfucker. Did the same to Rin, to Philip, to everyone it could. Likes to really twist decent people into what they would most despair to be), but in the realm, she’s stuck as it. She’s not really aware for trials, but remembers them with decent clarity, and is in constant agony over what she’s done. Unfortunately, suicide does not take in the realm, and every one of her attempts failed, just like her attempts to maim or tie herself up so she wouldn’t be able to hurt people did. She’s horribly alone and despairing, and also in physical agony. She’s at the worst end of what a human can be at as far as emaciation and starvation while still being alive goes, and that’s physically awful. It fucks up your brain chemistry too, and everything is just really fucking miserable all the time. It hurts to move, it hurts to breathe, your breath smells tastes like rotten fruit but in a way that’s so much worth than that can sound. She’s so hungry, her addons are things like dragonfly wings consumed to give her extra stamina. That’s the kind of bare sliver of relief she ever gets. God, poor Lisa’s life is hell. She’s completely heartbroken and isolated and almost dead. As far as relationships go, she didn’t have any for a long time. No one can really interact with her, because she goes feral at the sight of food. She’s kinda utterly alone. But briefly, when Alex, Philip, Vigo, Benedict, and Sally were a group, she kind of got stumbled into, and after a kind of nasty first encounter, was able to regain lucidity around other people, and had a truly sweet and memorable and invaluable bit of time with love and friends and other people. She was kind of in love with Sally, who did her hair for her and was really kind to her, and Sally liked her too. They were close. Lisa was close with all of them. But when things ended the way they did, the Entity took that away. Lisa remembers it, but she could never get them or it back, and was cast aside and left behind until the end of ILM, when she finally got peace and found happiness in finally getting to be at rest in the arms of a friend. Overal, she’s a fairly young and wide-eyed, bright, cautious, fun and sweet girl by nature, now massively traumatized and hopeless and broken, but still with a truly incredible amount of that kind nature retained. She would have really loved reading fantasy novels aloud and exploring the worlds of lore and history, travelling, seeing other cultures and geographic features and animals. Enjoys fashion too, and has a heart for designing and making cool, personal and cultural and symbolic tied designs, and would have been both great at that and loved it if she’d lived long enough. (Shoutout to @artianaiolanthe who inspired the fashion take & it is so suited to her I love it). A little shy, but an extrovert at heart under it, just a nervous one. Loved people. Liked climbing trees and fording brooks and baking bread and throwing rocks and baseballs to knock a target out of a tree and win a prize at little town fairs. Didn’t get the length or quality of life she was owed, and it’s just not fair or okay at all. Liked to watch the stars.

As far as getting better goes, mentally, totally. If they could get her out of the realm or break the Entity’s connection, she’d immediately stop killing. She has never done it of her own free will. She’s a sweet small town kid who was just trying to live her life. As far as physically goes though, Lisa is in one of the worst possible spots. Unlike say Amanda, who was on death’s door but healed by the Entity, or the Legion, who weren’t injured at all, Lisa was on death’s door and like Adiris, did not get healed. Just preserved in that near-death state and forced to work in it. Honestly, it’s possible she could survive long enough to get to a hospital and be saved, but at best, she’d probably live another year. When you starve, your body begins to catabolize/eat your own tissue to save itself, starting with fat, and ending with muscles and organs, which, when it reaches the heart, kills you. Lisa was so close to dead, the organ damage was probably awful, and would leave her with complications that would take her very young. The most likely thing, since she was saved literally seconds before death, would be for her to step outside the realm and immediately die. However, it’s possible she got lucky on body damage and could be saved—kinda up to interpretation—and if say, she was around for Quentin’s Vigil going healing batshit, and got some organs repaired that way, she’d have a real shot. (I also am sad. Lisa was actually the only determinate character in ILM to me/that I wasn’t sure the ending for, and while I am very happy with what ended up being her closure, I also would like to see her live for even more love and peace TuT. Lol, if I ever end up doing my goddamn four fate route fics like I’ve joked now a truly dangerous number of times about doing [>.> me @ me] then maybe she will get a variety of lives in the end). I’m glad you wanted to know! I really like and pity her. This poor kid really did nothing wrong, much like Rin, and just got eternally tortured for asking for help and justice against the monsters who took her life so violently. Fuck Brittany. (Read: the Entity.)

Ahhhh Sally. My sweet, sweet girl. Uhhh, not sure which of the Lisa questions you meant for her too, so I’ll try to speed-answer them all? Sally’s intelligent and understanding and thoughtful, patient, polite, almost elegant despite how impoverished she spent most of her life—she just tries to act like a lady and treat people with as much respect and esteem as she can (unless they suck lol). She’s also very mentally damaged and not there though, and has extremely unstable mood swings, especially into despair. Her relationships with the other killers were limited. She talked to & was on polite terms with any who would talk to her and not be condescending or a dick so openly she’d pick up on it (so like, on cordial terms with Evan, Herman, Caleb if she’d been there that long, but not like, Kenneth or Freddy or someone who wouldn’t bother to put up an act). But mostly, after figuring out she wasn’t really of any use to them, they quit communicating with her. Sally has been extremely isolated since shortly after being taken. She believes that the survivors are innocent and suffering and knows that they don’t deserve the hunt, but has no way to stop the whole system, and has been convinced by the Entity that if she does a good job and earns moris, the ones she strangles to death get to stay dead instead of coming back after death to suffer endlessly again, so she works very dedicatedly and slowly trying to earn kills to save them. It took her physical eyes when it got her and lets her see through it’s powers, and uses that to randomize what survivors look like in her memory so she doesn’t catch wise it’s the same people over and over and she’s not saving them at all. It’s extremely tragic. God it’s one of the most cruel Entity tricks, which is saying a lot. Poor gentle woman is Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill day after day year after year and she doesn’t even know how hopeless and meaningless it all is. : (

When the Vigo-Philip-Alex-Benedict team was going, though, she met and attacked, then was convinced to instead befriend them, and quickly became very attached and well liked by them. Met Lisa while with the group, and became extremely fond of her and loving towards her and was truly, truly happy for a brief period of time. Still remembers her, even as lost as all her memories are. Not her name, but what she looked like to Sally, and how her hair felt, and how nice it was. Sally would have considered everyone in that group a dear friend, and in ILM, Philip most definitely becomes her deepest, closest, and best friend, just like she does to him. She’s a very faithful woman to her soul. Loved her family, loved her husband and mourned him, worked as hard as she could. Cared for her patients, and did her best in that hell until the Entity slowly whittled away at her sanity until it broke her mind and left her convinced the only way to end their pain would be to give them death, and she had to do it to save them. Sally loves little pretty things and neatness and collections. Flowers, bows and ribbons, china and colored glass. She would have treasured gifts like decorative holiday cards and carved animal figures and left them on her mantle or carefully tucked in lovingly organized and decorated books she could open to revisit the memory. Likes dresses and skirts and the way the wind feels. Hopeful and very enduring. Loving. Had a mom heart, and will never really get entirely over the loss of her children, but is strong and kind and will find new love that makes life still worth living in other people. Will remember both kindness and cruelty a long, long time. Loved Quentin from the second he gave her flowers (Dwight: Quentin, why did the entity let you have three moms? Quentin: Because I fucking earned it >:[“ [author’s note: he did. God that poor kid...]). Loved Kate from the day she sat with her in a hospital and held her hand. Is like that. Remembers small kindness and treasures them.

Sally could definitely recover. Not all the way probably, physically or mentally, but by far enough to be complete and happy and realized and who she wants. She never meant to hurt people, so she really just needs some stability, and I think she finds that with her new family. I mean, it is a lot to adjust to. It’s been like nearly 100 years. The Entiry broke her mind, and she’s got some damage that just probably can’t ever be fixed, but a lot can be, with drugs and treatments and therapy and kindness and a good support system, and honestly, the biggest things she needs are people to keep her memories together and herself present, and influences to protect her from being manipulated and controlled now that she’s so suggestible and easy to hurt, and she’s got that. I am 100% certain that while some things—the scatteredness, the ease of slipping into other moods especially deep sadness, the different way of thinking altogether—never leave her, she gets better in the most important ways and is truly happy and quite functional and what she wants to be. While there’s no way (yet anyway lol. Cybernetics that good when?) to give her new eyes since the Entity ripped hers out, and she’s blind now, and can’t be changed, her seeing eye dog does a great job for her, and she’s very happy and adjusts well. She has a lot of friends to be her eyes, and learns to lean into what she can do and has a quite fulfilling and blissful life outside the realm in ILM.

Also: thanks for the recs! I’m going on a run soon, and I’ll add those to my iPod and give ‘em a listen if I can. Hope this answered what you wanted to know! ^u^

#ask #sleepy #in living memory (fic) #in living memory #ilm spoilers #dead by daylight #Lisa Sherwood #Sally Smithson #long post

[pileofsketches]

smut4smut letter

Hi Writer!

I’m noun on Ao3; thank you for writing for me! To give you an idea of my tastes, I’ve got the standard DNWs below. Anything not mentioned is fair game.

On consent, I’m ok with dubious consent—be it because consent cannot be discussed beforehand, dubcon turning into con, or simply because desire overcomes reasons why person didn’t consent fully in the first place. Otherwise, go wild. I like enthusiastic consent, arousal is arousing. 

DNWs: 1st Person POV (barring epistolary format), hopeless or depressing endings (angst and struggle during the fic = great), coffee shop/minimum wage struggle AUs, noncon, identity headcanons, prostitution as a positive (background prostitution/mentions of trafficking are a-ok), daddy/mommy kink, and sexualized choking.

A/B/O is a trope I absolutely adore—the changes to society! the possessiveness! the various kinks!—but please no male pregnancy/women who can impregnate.

If there are domination/submission dynamics, I prefer femdom. Please no male dom/female submissive.

If, in any place, a kink/trope looks to override any specific DNW, the kink/trope wins out. That shouldn’t happen in this exchange, but if it does—kink/trope trumps.

Kinks for this exchange are self-explanatory, instead I’ve hashed out what I like for the dynamics of each parings. (Generally, if I like one thing in one request, I will like it in another. Go nuts.)

Assassin’s Creed

I have not played anything after Syndicate, but am familiar with the comics up to Juno’s death and some of the YA novels. Please do not use any of the Odyssey/Origins lore, be it on whatever they’re doing with the Precursor backstory or Assassin motivations or whatever.  

Juhani Otso Berg/Lucy Stillman: Either Lucy pre-betrayal and post, how she copes with being welcomed into Abstergo and then the Templars– how does it feel to have to lie less? How is Lucy ideologically seduced? Is there the promise of being able to live a ‘normal’ life- IE, a normal relationship, house, kids, not being murdered? Does Berg (with his thing for Shay) take particular interest in Lucy because of the chance to get an Assassin to switch sides?

Desmond Miles/Lucy Stillman: I like this paring because of what an effective lure Lucy was for Desmond, with the fact that she was 1) attractive 2) saved him and 3) had a relationship with Bill that seemed like perfect bait (and was) for Desmond’s own issues with him. Desmond’s forgiveness of her, Lucy’s tragic death, the parallels that were made in the game between him and Lucy and Maria and Altair—all great.

Malik Al-Sayf/Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad/Maria Thorpe: My favorite OT3s are the ones where each person has an independently strong relationship with the other two in the trio, and supports each one/gets different things out of each one. I like Maria and Malik moderating Altair and dealing with the complicating feelings he has for each one when he’s been such a lone wolf for most of his life. (I am also a big fan of Tazim being Malik and Maria’s kid)

Solo: Ratonhnhaké:ton | Connor: This ship is entirely a vehicle for kinks/tropes, do whatever you’d like. Also, I would kill for a ToKW setting.

Evie Frye/Jacob Frye/Crawford Starrick: A/B/O or soulmates is my ideal for this, breaking Crawford’s spirit and power over London, particularly in the form of eventual willing and enthusiastic submission, while he still remains super prickly to the outsider world. Polygamy ending preferred. 

Death Note

I’ve read the new one-shot. Please feel free to set the parings during that comic as applicable. 

Halle Lidner | Halle Bullock/Near | Nate River:

Halle Lidner | Halle Bullock/Mello | Mihael Keehl/Near | Nate River:

Halle Lidner | Halle Bullock/Mello | Mihael Keehl:

Dishonored

Emily Kaldwin/The Outsider: General monster boyfriend vibes, the idea of the destined lover, the inevitability of fate vs active and individual choice. I prefer Outsider-Outsider, but am ok with a story that splits between divinity and mortal or sets him as the slightly-off human. Please no naivety/woobie human Outsider.

Kirin Jindosh/Emily Kaldwin: Coup-tested royalty vs clawed his way up from the gutter genius—the class divide is a huge part of why I like this paring. I like Emily pushing and Jindosh resisting—until he doesn’t—and the idea of the public/private divide as far as behavior.

Kirin Jindosh/Emily Kaldwin/Clockwork Soldiers OR Clockwork Soldiers/Emily Kaldwin: Genuinely if you manage to capture some of this dynamic in the fic I will die happy.

Jennifer’s Body

Jennifer Check/Anita "Needy" Lesnicki: Two lesbians figuring out who they are and what they want in a small town super oppressive environment, Jennifer trying out bisexuality/heterosexuality to see if it’ll help her fit in and getting seriously hurt, all the undertones the love that dare not speak its name with her very best friend until, whoops, Jennifer is a demon now, and can do whatever she wants and not worry about the consequences.

Original F/M

I am a huger sucker for the idea of a destined lover, particularly if that lover is some form of immortal/super long lived creature who has spent however many centuries waiting and building their idea of this person while being forced to go on with their life and keep living and then finally, finally gets what they want, even if the other half is unaware or disbelieving at first.

Badass Witch/Male Werewolf Who Owes Her A Life Debt: 

Demon Lord/Female Paladin Sent to Defeat Him:

New England Colonist/Old World Monster Who Followed Her:

Woman Viewed With Suspicion By Isolated Townsfolk/Monster Lover In Their Woods:

Penny Dreadful

Ethan Chandler/Vanessa Ives: 

Ethan Chandler/Vanessa Ives/Alexander Sweet | Dracula:

[dyinglightroleplay]

𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒.

NAME : Davey Ariel Gudgeon RELATIONSHIP TO THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX : Ally / Informant AGE / BIRTHDATE : 18 Years Old / born 7 May 1961 at 4:10pm IDT ZODIAC SIGN : Gemini ( sun ), Scorpio ( moon ), Scorpio ( rising ) EDUCATION : Hogwarts Graduate ( Slytherin House ) BLOOD STATUS : Muggleborn

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒.

✧     Alastor Moody ( platonic ) ✧     Frank Longbottom ( antagonistic ) ✧     Bilius Weasley ( wild card )

𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐒𝐄𝐄𝐍.

In Diagon Alley.  They’ll learn of the Battle of Hogwarts as the rest of the Wizarding world does.

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐒 : 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐍.

PLAYER : Mod Rivka FACECLAIM : Ezra Miller URL : @goodgeon​

𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: BIOLOGICAL ESSENTIALISM, ABLEISM, NON - BINARY PHOBIA / BINARY APOLOGISM, SEXISM, ANTI - SEMITISM, ALLUSIONS TO THE SHOAH, DRUG USE

ZERO / RISING. * How is your character perceived by others?  What mask do they wear, and is there more than one?

Davey is a person comprised of many, many layers, not all of which are shared with all people.  To say they were mysterious would be a misnomer --- --- truly, they're a pretty quick study, just don't tell them that --- --- but they are . . . complicated.  They're easygoing, affable, in possession of a quick and scathing sense of humor and an equally vicious wit ; they're difficult, they're petty, they can veer straight into condescension and self - isolation if given the slightest provocation.  They're a show - off, certainly, and they're a know - it - all, too.  They are many things, they are many, made up entirely of a rainbow of facets they flit between from day - to - day depending on their mood, surroundings, relationships, and desires.  ( Does this manifest with a hefty handful of flakiness, too ?  Sure it does.  Alongside a loyalty that's selective, hard - won, and blood - deep. )

Throughout their life, Davey's experiences have asked them to form a particular set of armor, a beautiful, well - maintained shell they've created for themselves to safeguard what they care about most : their Self, their soul, the body that carries them through the world.  A childhood spent learning to trust themselves, despite what others would seek to tell them, built the scaffolding of teenage years spent aggressively reclaiming that energy, outright refusing to budge along or to reduce themselves to accommodate anyone, even in situations where, objectively, they likely should've.  Their reaction to being told they're too much, too feminine, not masculine enough, what are you wearing, what's wrong with you, are you a boy or a girl ? has become to double down, and their reaction to similar taunts about their blood status or disability or family is the same --- --- they've created a life in which any barb aimed in their direction simply plinks off the chestplate of the armor they've spent so long forging.

Davey was raised to never apologize for who they were, told from childhood by their family that what they are is perfect, is priceless, is hard - fought and deserving of defense.  The discovery of their magic and their acceptance to Hogwarts did nothing to challenge this, although the sudden realization of the sliding scale of indifference to HATRED that Davey's blood status fostered once at school certainly did.  But rather than quail beneath it, rather than dim themselves, Davey only got more proud, louder, BRIGHTER, something that made them just as many enemies as friends as they passed through school.  For every student who looked down at them, for every slur thrown their way, every judgmental look, Davey took it and added it to their armor.  And this pride doesn't stem simply from the dawning knowledge of the war rising up outside the castle's walls ; Davey would be proud of who they have become no matter the climate.  They've spent too much time feeling unwelcome in their body to waste another second.

And Davey doesn't have the privilege of living in only one world, either ; they leave Hogwarts every summer to return to their family home in London, as equally a stand - out in their family's community of Orthodox Jews as they are walking the castle's halls.  They could allow all of this to dull them, but they don't.  Instead, they just burn brighter.  But that shouldn't be mistook for extroversion, either.  Davey keeps their circle of genuine friends small --- --- they gravitate toward others on the fringes, the misfits, the loners, the people for whom life has been made hard through no fault of their own, and they are willing to lay it on the line for them.  That's what their parents taught them, from a young age, a story born from millennia of persecution, from scant decades separating them and so, so much death : there is no honor in neutrality, no goodness in standing by simply because what's happening does not directly affect you.  This is what drives them, it's what makes them difficult right alongside what makes them so, so incredible --- --- Davey will never, has never and won't ever begin to go down without a fight.

ONE / THE SUN. * Choose one to explore : what about their personality, general preferences, sense of self / ego, or fundamental traits attracted you to them?

Davey has really presented me the opportunity to indulge in a lot of my Very Favorite Meta Concepts in this universe : I've always had a massive soft - spot for investigating how ' Muggle ' religion and culture intersect with the magical world, how muggleborn children adjust to life at Hogwarts and to life with powers, how the global history and political climate of this time period influence these students coming of age inside a private, closed community locked in a secret war, how disability and difference present and are handled by the wizarding community, how gender and sexuality are examined by a group of people who know that the world has never, will never, be binary or black - and - white.  They're really a neat reason to delve way into a lot of these ideas that I've been kicking around as long as I've been a fan of this medium, and truthfully, I've never really had the chance to stretch my legs - and - creative - muscles with a character that's essentially an OC, before, and there's no time like the present, right ?

Geminis are people of many talents, sometimes disjointed but always insatiable ; adaptable, excitable, and open to whatever the world has to offer them, their investment can sometimes be overwhelming, particularly for people who are unprepared to have their worldviews challenged.  A Gemini Sun inspires an unstoppable force, trading flexibility for fire, tact for speed.  They're flexible, mercurial, and often polarizing, and can shift sharply between being charming and outright off - putting.  Their Scorpio Moon intensifies this, opening a well of emotional sensitivity, fostering vulnerability right alongside an everlasting ability to form and hold grudges based upon mistreatment.  STUBBORNNESS and hard - headedness becomes a dominating trait, only magnified by the rising sign's indication that darkness must be faced head - on in this lifetime, rather than excused or ignored.  Concerned most with the soul, Scorpio rising encourages a life that doesn't dwell in the negative, but seeks to abolish it, by any means necessary, even, sometimes, to the person's detriment.

Gemini is also aligned most closely with Hod ( הוד ) the eighth sephira of the Kabbalah Tree of Life, which houses the ten attributes through which G-d reveals themselves.  Hod is the act of submission to obstacles, not in surrender, but rather to overcome : its astrological significance weighs heavily upon Gemini's often aggressive shoulders, warning of times when battles can be fought by simply leaving them behind.  Hod is also thought to be where the truest form of magic is available, and is closely associated with intellectual pursuits, ritual, and the act of breaking concept into smaller pieces for specific mastery.

I really am leaning into duality here as well : Davey's entire existence is politicized --- --- Jewish, disabled, muggleborn, non - binary.  They exist in a space they've made for themselves, a space they've more often then not had to TAKE BY FORCE.  Their perspective on blood supremacy, on this war as a person who was born entirely outside it is so interesting, and I want to see where it goes ; Davey's family fled Occupied France, they were raised by Jews who survived an atrocity that would've seen them eradicated, the concept of some stodgy old group of in - bred idiots convinced of their own mythical superiority isn't a totally new or groundbreaking thing for them.  In a lot of ways, Davey's a wildcard this way : they're neutral, not because they don't have strong opinions, but because they do, because they lie outside a pre - established order of things in a world they weren't born into.  Davey is . . . far too radical for groups like the Order, and I doubt they would've accepted an invitation even if they'd received one, because in their mind, caution is synonymous with inaction.  They have a unique perspective, informed by their family's history, by their people's history, and the understanding that plotting something as simple as the Loss of a Leader by no means fosters a victory, by no means untangles the tendrils of hate that allowed that leader to take power in the first place.

Davey hardly trusts his Order - adjacent friends, sparing that for the closest few muggleborns he considers to be nearly family.  Davey doesn't consider themselves wixen as much as they consider themselves a person with magical abilities, in fact they hold very little affinity for the greater magical world.  And while they aren't privy to all of the Order's dealings, obviously, their anger runs deeper and burns hotter, born from a place of exclusion rather than anything particularly righteous.  I want to see Davey's arc take them to confrontation with --- --- and hopefully, eventual understanding alongside --- --- witches and wizards who believe that Voldemort's death brings the end of blood supremacy.  I want Davey to continue their life - long refusal to be cowed, refusal to be quiet, refusal to shut up and go along for the ride, refusal to be pushed aside ; they come from a very, very long line of people who should've been dead, they aren't wasting time letting their life or their rights languish in anyone else's hands but their own.  The Ministry, the Order and its supporters, the Death Eaters, even the blessed true neutrals who can't be bothered to care : none of them are on Davey's side.  For them, there isn't growth or protection in joining ; I want to see them get proved wrong, or maybe get proved right.  The distinct separation between Davey's worldview, seen from beneath the oppressive lens of day - in, day - out institutionalized and INBORN blood supremacy and hatred, and that of half - blood or pureblood wizards for whom this war has become more about defeating an enemy is vital to this.

TWO / THE MOON. * Which color would you associate most strongly with them and the emotions that dominate them?  Describe however you’d like.

NEON.  Buzzing signs and the black - lit smudges of a blotter sheet, a rainy city’s night reflected back in puddles disrupted by quick steps in patent - leather boots.  Hallucinations and their accustomed heaviness, the soft - edged weight of exhaled smoke and candlelight, unnatural pinks and reds crawling from flowerpots in a greenhouse that could make any child fall in love.  The brilliance of blood against white teeth, fuchsia lipstick against stubble, satin, silk, leather, velvet, something sumptuous and traffic - stopping worn with all the impenetrable confidence of chainmail.  Spell - pops, spell zings, the heat of magic and how it always feels just the smallest bit of a miracle, the brilliant - blue of a withering patronus and the rainbow’s worth of charms and hexes yet unmastered.  Loud prints, pasted - up posters, glow - in - the - dark and glitter and the wash of bar - room bathroom halogen light.  The sunset flare at the end of a cigarette, at the end of a joint, at the tip of a match held to a braided candle bearing witness to Havdalah.

THREE / MERCURY. * What is this character’s area of expertise? Where do they excel?

Davey is a gifted Herbologist ; they took to the subject overwhelmingly well at Hogwarts, and count Professor Sprout as both a tremendous influence and a friend.  They’ve gone out of their way to combine Muggle sensibilities with magic, and alongside acting as a drug dealer ( ' florist ' was the slang term of the day ) for both the Magical and Muggle communities in London, Davey spends their time experimenting with new ways to grow marijuana plants and synthesize other psychedelics, as well as cultivating various expensive, rare, or otherwise uhhhhh illegal plants to sell to potioneers or anyone else in need of such ingredients.  They tend to test most of their experiments on themselves, especially to ensure they're safe --- --- their magical physiology affords them a bit more protection and durability than their muggle family members, for example --- --- but they also have a habit of asking their magical friends to test the final products, free of charge of course, as long as they allow them to hang around and see what happens.

#marauders rp #harry potter rp #hp rp #lsrp #oc rp #davey gudgeon #takennb #takenneutral #taken #ableism tw #sexism tw #antisemitism tw #shoah tw #drugs tw

[funkymbtifiction]

Healthy / Unhealthy Head Triad:

Pulled off PersonalityCafe. Saw no cited source. (Know it? Tell me.)

Enneagram 5

At their best: profound vision, objective insight, innovative exploration.

Mid-levels: comprehensive knowledge, intense preoccupation, cynical argumentation.

At their worst: eccentric nihilism, phobic delirium, psychotic paralysis.

Healthy 5w4: more able to participate in life. When the fiveish desire to withdraw and sort things out is no longer compulsive, the consciously chosen time alone becomes a tool for understanding the world, rather than an entrapping habit. The fourish passion for beauty emerges as the conscious result of harnessing the emotions rather than being their slave. Begin to deeply understand the simple, elegant way the awesome complexity of the world emerges from fundamental principles. They find great joy in watching and learning. When the perception of five and the passion of four are augmented by eight's power and leadership, plus one's intuitive wisdom, clear comprehensions can be transmitted to others.

Unhealthy 5w4: gets lost in the details. The compulsive analysis of five can lead to elaborate pseudo-logical constructions designed to explain everything. The four-wing's emotionality adds a flavor of dramatic hopelessness. Others Simply Do Not Understand. No one could understand. Retreats to a place of safety, hoping to escape from view, continuing to uncover the truth. There is little to no social involvement. The panic and scattered mania of seven combine with twoish self-congratulatory hysteria. Can come back into the world, awkward and excitable, ready to bolt but ready to passionately defend a bizarre, baroque fantasy world. As inner tension builds, schizoid withdrawal becomes more and more likely. The end result is a kind of terrified fugue, completely cut off from reality. The only escape from constant overwhelming chaos is inward.

Healthy 5w6: gains social ease. Deep perception and serene faith combine for a kind of knowing that focuses on the truth of human interactions. Overcomes the fear of intimacy and finds satisfaction in genuine relationships. Strikes a balance between the urge to withdraw to sort things out and the desire to feel safe among trusted friends. The need diminishes to protect against deceit by constantly analyzing people, leading to greater comfort and depth in friendship. Brings together the powerful insight of five, the stamina and leadership of eight, the deep faith and genuineness of six, and the inner peace of nine.

Unhealthy 5w6: becomes afraid of people. Mistrust interacts with reductionist analysis, and the world begins to seem more threatening. Threeish competitive urges might emerge, combining with sevenish mania to create a kind of intense, argumentative combativeness to hide a deep sense of inadequacy. This turns people away, leading to a greater sense of isolation. Tends to rationalize that most people are not honest anyway, and since other people fail to recognize the value of their brilliant ideas, they are not worth knowing at all. Paranoia and anxiety lead 5w6 into a terrifying spiral in which increasingly bizarre fabrications may be used to explain meaning into even the most mundane events.

Enneagram 6

At their best: self-affirming courage, faithful affection, responsible discipline.

Mid-levels: dutiful loyalty, anxious ambivalence, belligerent scapegoating.

At their worst: needy conformism, paranoid obsession, self-destructive panic.

Healthy 6w5: becomes free of anxiety and reductionist analysis, allowing their endearing gentility and good humor to emerge. Laughs easily, with a sense of relief. Can it really be so simple to live and enjoy life? There is a feeling of relaxed good nature and certainty. This is a person you can trust, someone to rely on for true friendship. Turns into a warm and deeply loving person, someone in touch with a real universal authority, internally and externally available. Acts with quiet confidence, coming from a place of peaceful faith. Essential sixness brings deep interpersonal bonding, essential fiveness builds penetrating perception, and nineish tranquility combines with eightish personal power.

Unhealthy 6w5: begins to feel anxious and wants to run away to a protected place. Unable to trust inner or outer authority, they search for an explanation for the constant tension. Others are easy to blame, and by projecting the causes of anxiety outward, 6w5 can find a temporary release. With increased stress, 6w5 loses faith in the blaming. No explanation for the anxiety satisfies, and the world begins to seem like a horrible, frightening game. Paranoia escalates. Bounces rapidly from fearful withdrawal to tense, overconfident pretense. Everyone is out to get me, and there is no place to run. I'm frightened out of my wits, and I know I am headed for a complete breakdown, but maybe if I can get myself into enough trouble someone will come and rescue me.

Healthy 6w7: has a feeling of firm steadiness, sure-footed and quiet. Sevenish impulsivity and sixish anxiety diminish, replaced by a calm deliberateness. Although fun and companionship are still highly valued, the desperate longing for security converts into inner strength. Finds a deep sense of belonging to the universe, and to mankind. Nineish calm and sixish faith combine with sevenish joy and fiveish perception. Shares with others a sense of eternal companionship and security.

Unhealthy 6w7: visibly desperate. Anxiety and insecurity become powerful controlling influences. Jumping from one colorful emotional state to another, trying to find any way to quell the increasing sense of uncertainty and vulnerability. They looks for someone out there who will help, but finds no one to trust. Will try anything to escape from the increasingly intolerable situations that arise. Physical illness, car troubles, boyfriends, girlfriends, landlords, all become scapegoats for the real problem of inner helpless dependence. You are either all-good or all-bad, and whether I like you or not can change from moment to moment. My very identity splits into fragments as I desperately cut myself into pieces to escape the horrible sense of impending catastrophe.

Enneagram 7

At their best: ecstatic gratitude, spontaneous enthusiasm, passionate accomplishment.

Mid-levels: active materialism, restless superficiality, addictive excess.

At their worst: irresponsible debauchery, manic hysteria, burnt-out debilitation.

Healthy 7w6: finds a new kind of centered calmness, as impulsivity and the desire to entertain fall away. Instead of shifting to another mood, they wait and see where this one leads. The slippery, happy-go-lucky quality is replaced by a smooth feeling of attentive watchfulness. A kind of directed, joyful intelligence like a sure presence, with an unlimited attention span. Becomes the master of many talents because of fiveish perceptivity, combined with deep fulfillment and pleasure from the experience of being fully present. Profoundly grateful for the continuing opportunity to take part in the unfolding drama of life. What a gorgeous, unpredictably fantastic world! What incredible beauty there is in even the smallest details of this universe! How excitingly alive I feel, and how at-one with the world! Let's celebrate together the deep abundance of life and love.

Unhealthy 7w6: the search for ever-increasing levels of excitement and stimulation seems like a way out of the apparent trap of boredom and unease, but it brings only temporary relief. Maybe another kind of fun will help me avoid this increasing sense of hopeless ambivalence. Maybe I should start a new company, or have a great big party! Tries to find the answer in increasingly grand plans for great, exciting events. As the ever-growing fear and boredom keep coming back, excessive stimulation approaches dangerous levels. Without increasing awareness, this course of exciting overload leads to extreme exhaustion, and an incapacitating despairing depression. At the bottom of the scale of health, 7w6 becomes a worn-out husk, utterly debilitated by drugs, sexual excess, and general over-stimulation, and totally incapable of self-care. At every opportunity, every means available is used to provide some escape.

Healthy 7w8: settles down. Become aware of the compulsive nature of the desire for excess and learn how to moderate the constant power-trip. Finds other people are easier to get along with when they are not being pushed or receiving a hard-sell on some wild idea. Love and appreciation for subtlety become important aspects of a life that includes increasing amounts of silent, peaceful contemplation. Discovers by letting the mind's chatter come to an end, a new level of perception emerges, with a greater understanding of how the world fits together. Instead of exploding outward into impulsive activity, 7w8 harnesses enthusiasm for practical uses. Life becomes a joyful, loving celebration. Look how much we have been given! Jump into the universe with both feet! Find your power and become what you were meant to be!

Unhealthy 7w8: gets ever-wilder. When others fail to respond with enough enthusiasm to high-pressure sales tactics, and the high of the latest exciting trip begins to wear off, it's time for the next wild ride. Maybe just a little bigger dose will do it. New ideas seem to erase old problems, and each one is bigger and better than the last one. If it doesn't work, forget it and move to the next grand scheme. You've got to try this, it's totally fantastic! As the highs get higher, the lows scrape lower. The miserable mornings are soon forgotten, because there's an even better high coming. Heads into ever-deeper entrapment, promising ever-greater rewards to those who will finance (or otherwise support) rapidly exploding levels of excessive indulgence. It all leads inevitably to the great crash, and utter dissipation.

#enneagram #head types #enneagram 6 #enneagram 7 #enneagram 5 #5w4 #5w6 #6w5 #6w7 #7w6 #7w8

[thesweetblossoms]

Twelve Ways To Stop Fretting

🌴I often fret ceaselessly and needlessly about the future, rethinking unhelpful habitual thoughts, grappling with the same issues, and squandering valuable time and mind space in activities that not only do not provide any peace, but tend to agitate and deepen stresses and anxieties. Of course, the concerns range from the casual, such as what to wear to a new job, to the more existential, about whether I am fulfilling my potential and progressing incrementally, towards my layered dreams with my slow simmering efforts; recently, I have been worried about whether I would be able to devote sufficient time to my businesses, if I am also working long hours as a staff attorney at a law firm. Thus, here are a few ideas about how to approach a change, to confront an uncertain future, to duel with hastening hours, and to forestall the rough blades of doubt.

1)New Experiences: Because we cannot foretell the future, we dwell in a realm of possibilities, chances and surprises, thus one way to eliminate unwelcome worries is to be open to the unknown and to appreciate the unfolding, being aware of the nuances that may bring us moments of illumination, such as discovering a new route with prickly pair cacti, dropping date palms and cloud scaling desert willow trees, or the joy that comes with the opportunity to frequent a charming coffee shop with a decadent chocolate croissant, or even the task of choosing a daily attire, to boost feelings of wellness and comfort of a job outside of home.

2)Novel Insights: Be vivacious whenever you feel uncertain, rather than forlorn, because it is through the unknown that we are given clear sight into the wheels churning, the planets tilting, the new poppy seeds unfurling and how our own lives are steadily moving on a course that surges recklessly, between shoals of contentment and abstract rocks of chaos, because, between every awakening and every nights final snubbing of the candlelight, reveals more about the music of family, the valuable gift of lyrical leisure hours and the blue sky moments of heady enlightenment. For it is only through upheaval, changes to routines, modifications or habits and reframing of customs that we come closer to the truth.

3)Relationships: We shouldn’t hesitate to confront the new opportunities and experiences that befall us, because these are often accompanied by novel and intriguing encounters as well as chances to meet new people and develop friendships. For when we are taking a risk, changing course, or experimenting with altered methods of conducting our lives, we float into a stream swimming with potential new memories, possible friendships, and a mine of inspiration from meeting and conversing with different minds, personalities and temperaments. For when we don’t know what the future brings us, we often fill up the space with the worst imaginings and the direst outcomes, but rather then fret, we should contemplate the magical elements of not knowing who will cross our path, how they might change an aspect of our lives, or a way of thinking, or how they may improve our experience of reality.

4)Adaptability: Many of us worry, because we hate to be jarred from routine, from our well honed habits and the peace that arises from a steady and contented ritual that eases us through the seasons. Yet, by worrying we are inhibiting the adventurous spirit and the courageous instincts that we also possess in equal quantities. Thus, instead of doubting the unknown, we should utilize its cryptic nature by enhancing and polishing our ability to adapt. By taking a moment, to think and strategize about how we may grow through periods of discomfort or annoyance, of how we may challenge our behaviors and deep seated fears, we may move towards better incarnations of ourselves. We may adapt in small or new ways, perhaps continue highlighting a personality trait such as gregariousness, while tempering an inclination to be less private, or to overcome a fear of driving in town, or a phobia of transversing great distances too far off lands. Each day we might attempt to scale the barriers, by channeling our best tools, our most potent skills and our latent talents, and incrementally alter ourselves.

5)Positive Thinking: A light hand creates the most beautiful paintings, the same principle may apply, such that, the lightest thinking creates the most beautiful reality. Thus in all our rumination, our puzzlements, or bewildering half dreams, our misty morning meditations, we should err on the side or positivity, by perceiving every element in the best light. We can continue this positive trend and encourage it to seep, like dew on blossoming lilac bushes, into every element of our story by having confidence in yourself and the universe as well as an unmitigated curiosity about the unfolding of events. For any situation, after its initial explosive or even subtle entry, may provide us with emotions, answers, thoughts, inspirations and ways of thinking that we have previously not accessed or been aware of, that may reveal tentative secrets about the world around us and that could help us string together a narrative of events that makes sense only with the alchemical element of time, or it could even ensure that we act the most beneficial way to unsure favorable and happy outcomes.

6)Analyzing The Situation: A creative way to address your worries, anxieties, sadness, regret, ennui or melancholy is to create your memoir, either in your mind, or by writing, creating videos, photography and art, for each is a token of the moment that assists us in comprehending situations within the passage of time, as even the most troubling elements, often carry detectable nuances, as when we read memoirs, and notice how certain events or choices shape and alter the course of a persons life. By thinking about the future in a certain, knowing way, almost taking for granted that you will age and write your memories down, you may practice the art of hindsight even in the present moment. My favorite part of reading autobiographies, is the countless renditions of writers rising about harrowing circumstances, cruel cultural constructs or the pervasive evil of human nature, to reveal the ultimate victory of light, truth and courage. Thus, a certain degree of detachment and the steadfast employment of the power of multiple perspectives, helps us to react to events in a way that ameliorates its most haunting effects.

7)Nothing Lasts: If we remember the heartbreaking, temporary nature of life, even when we are sad, we realize how futile it is to waste even a quarter hour of the day in unhappiness. The universe is in constant flux, with the fall trees turning shades of copper, crimson and aubergine, with the chill setting into to the once balmy clouds, with candles lit and spluttering out, with the years passing steadily as a lighthouse on a thunderstruck, isolated island, with reunions coming and going, with milestones won and lost. So let go of the current distresses, for it will, also unequivocally pass away.

8)Experiment/Discover: There is so much to reality that is yet to be understood, for their has been no cure for pain, just as there has never been a thorough theory of love. So what if we could explore any situation as a momentous chance to gain jewel like insights into the mechanisms that abound around us, perhaps, contemplate the wonder of how our intuition already knows before a loved one rings, of why some trees have lived for centuries yet they have never swam in the sea, or of why candlelight, music and dancing, rinses away even the most stubborn stains imprinted into the threads of our hearts, or of why we never know ourselves no matter how much we search, or of why beautiful poetry can reduce us to tears. We should make use of champagne, or gardening, or an art as a portal to channel bliss, to see what elements align with how we hope things will turn out, realizing that maybe thinking about it in a particular, incanted light, is a secret charm, a tonic to clear away cloudy windows that reveals what we need may already be in our presence or in our repertoire. Use the worrisome aspect to discover new ways to deal with issues, unravel expedient methods to handle onerous tasks, or unveil how to manage time in a way that deliberately moves us nearer to the nebulous realms of our most coveted desires.

10)Focus On Rewards: Rather than fretting, we should focus on the future where the results of our actions manifest themselves in the clearest light. Whether in business, where long hours of effort, planning and diligence may create value for others, and later, provide revenue, or at a job, where after completing assigned tasks you are able to also share your skills and talents with the larger community for an income, or by writing or creating art that helps to ease the stubborn wounds of pilfering time, or by planting a garden with prolific wild poppies, zinnias and marigolds, it is only with patience and diligence, that we are granted the initial blooms and the first fragrance of success.

9)Gratitude: Even if initially it seems that hindrances and detours seamlessly appear whenever we move towards a certain vision, instead of lingering on the unsavory elements that rob us of our mind space, time and energy, we should tabulate our blessings, for they are just as plentiful and almost as ubiquitous, landing softly into the newly inked lines of our story, like a butterfly on a luscious frangipani blossom. By being grateful, we dwell in the space of opportunities, of pragmatism, of hacking time and energy, of doing what is needed to take us to the next step, for often, it is through change and upheaval of routines that we enter a chamber of new possibilities and happy chances.

11) Dance: Whenever you fret, do something active, take a walk, yoga, dance, work out, get up to look at the stars, or water a plant, by moving away, even an inch from our coordinates upon earth, we are also creating distance from a negative thought. I also have a theory that it is impossible to worry and dance at the same time.

12) Focus On Wellness: When we feel overcome with dread, or lapse into the eerie corridors of anxiety, we should refuel our quest for wellness. It is often challenging when we are stressed to think about our bodies and minds and to give it the priority it needs to help us through the most tiresome situations, yet, by drinking plenty of water, by making sure you sleep as much as possible, by meditating, eating healthy fresh fruits, seeds, nuts, vegetables and grains, by taking time for a facial, massages, skincare and working out, we are primed to confront whatever the next day may bring. 🐝

#design #healing #lifestyle #love #gypsy #style #bohemian #flowers #perfume #wellness #magic #alchemy #nature #natural #work #worklifebalance #yoga #dance

[asoftjourneythroughrigidter-blog]

A conclusion

Today I feel weak. I am sad to say that I have decided to fly home and end my trip all together. It’s been a wild, incredible ride.

I don’t think I have it in me to go back into solitude for a couple hundred more miles at this moment and I so badly want to go home to comforts and sleep with my cat. I think that recognizing ones limitations is a strength; and right now it’s hard for me to give myself this affirmation. There is no doubt that I am and will inevitably feel guilt about not meeting my goals of mileage on the trail, and I know I will be processing this for months to come.

I am trying to brace myself for the shock of being back to an over-stimulating, loud, fast-paced life where one can easily travel miles with such speed. A life of conveniences and accessibility. A life of societal standards and expectations. A life where it is too easy to be critical of oneself and where there is hyperawareness of how one is perceived.

Today, I walk on a moving sidewalk to my gate in the airport, reflecting, feeling exposed as I wipe tears streaming down my cheeks with my long sleeved hiking shirt. I take out my sunglasses for a little privacy. I want to throw up, I am overwhelmed with panic and fear. I will be flying over half the distance of the pct at 1610 miles from Portland to Dallas. As I board the plane, the gate agent asks me if I’m okay, I quickly nod and continue. I want to be invisible.

The sounds of phones, electronic toys, and grumpy children echo in the plane cabin. The volume feels amplified. I feel uncomfortably close to the passenger who takes the middle seat next to me. The screen on the seat in front of me displays an image of a flight attendant; she smiles assuringly, trapped within the illuminated surface, positioned next to digital entertainment options. I turn off the screen.

It feels like I have a large marble in my throat, making it hard to swallow, and my stomach is in tight knots. I have never wanted off of a plane more in my life, I try to focus on my breath, inhaling and exhaling into my tear soaked bandana. I will not have a panic attack on this plane.

I had heard of post-trail depression from hikers and that ending a long-distant hike can feel like coming down from a drug, that it can feel very shocking and isolating- after having such an intense experience that generally most people cannot understand.

It’s 5:30 am. I slide open the plane window and stare at the dimly lit, dawn sky, imagining waking in my tent. Mt. Hood stands tall on the horizon line. I miss the trail already, but no longer feel emotionally fit to continue. Am I making a mistake? It’s possible. All I know is I feel alone right now, and I don’t know that I have the emotional strength to be alone, yet I also have the impulse to hide, I feel like a burden to others; like an alien, broken, jobless, and unsure of what I want, coming home on impulse. I am battling the feeling of failure. Will I feel even more isolated off trail?

I take a reminder from the trail- that I can make this what I want. I can take this gaping hole in my chest and fill it with my worst fears and panic. I can feel upset, embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed in myself. I can dread making decisions of what comes next. Or, I can be proud of the hardships that I’ve overcome. I can fill that hole with the love and support I have from others. I can remember that the trail will always be there and I can come back and complete sections that are unfamiliar to me in the future. I can remember that everything is temporary and life is always fleeting.

Some just aren’t as strong as they hope to be. But then again, how does one define strength? Is strength different for everyone? Is there strength in feeling weak? Is there strength in embracing emotion? I certainly started my journey thinking so. Right now, I am vulnerable; a hiker disconnected from their pack, unsure of what home is; a turtle without a shell; a soft interior, exposed.

I’ll remember being weighed down by my newly acquainted pack, hunching over, waiting for Andi to pick me up after arriving at the LAX airport before starting my hike. I’ll remember how naive I felt after completing my first section, inexperienced, unaware, and full of doubt, post-holing in snow, the hidden trail and fearing for my life. I’ll remember the light blue, milky ice lakes of Silver Pass. I’ll remember the river crossings through white water that took 30 minutes to navigate; mostly because I was too scared to do it. I’ll remember the lonesomeness I felt looking out of my tent into the vacant white landscape. I’ll remember the intense pain I felt as my blistered feet trekked my first North California section. I’ll remember the fluorescent, chartreuse lichen adorning massive pine forests. I’ll remember the incredible scents of mountain sage, cedar, sap and sugar pine. I’ll remember facing my fear of heights, hiking the loose rocky Sierra Buttes, and the vertigo. I’ll remember when descents felt more painful than inclines, and walking slow. I’ll remember hiking my first 10 miles by 10 am, feeling light and invincible. I’ll remember feeling like a bottomless pit for calories. I’ll remember my sweat-soaked, dirt-crusted clothes and salty body. I’ll remember pushing through my first over-20 mile day in the burns of Lassen National Park and camping in a thunderstorm, puddles in my tent. I’ll remember the long water carries in 85+ degree, shadeless heat of Old Station. Ill remember the green meadows freckled with wildflowers. I’ll remember giving myself the agency to speak my mind to strangers, uncensored, and in return being called critical and defensive. I’ll remember the isolation I felt in regards to my identity. I’ll remember the generosity from strangers, hitchhiking and trail magic. I’ll remember the joy I felt as I started my first Oregon section and the weep-y lichen draping over dramatic tree limbs. I’ll remember the 300 miles of aggressive, giant mosquitos in the green tunnel of Oregon; wearing my non-breathable rain jacket, steaming. I’ll remember night-hiking under a starry sky, through massive lava fields, feeling like I’m on another planet. I’ll remember the incredible blues of Crater Lake and one of the most beautiful sunrises I’ve witnessed. I’ll remember hiking 30 miles in one day on the flattest section of the trail, feeling dizzy at the end of the day, scrambling to find a site to tent in the dark. I��ll remember the silver, ghostly, burnt trees; a hauntingly beautiful forest that seemed to whisper old tales. I’ll remember when I was so captivated by the tundra of Mt. Jefferson, that I briefly forgot about the mosquitos. I’ll remember feeling happy to step in snow again. Ill remember the bear, the weasel, the coyote, the many deer, lizards, snakes, jays, and the birds I could only hear and never identify. I’ll remember the loose soil that seemed impossible to hike through around Mt. Hood, and the purple lupin reaching up from the soil. I’ll remember the tiny ecosystems, like terrariums, growing on decomposing logs. I’ll remember the rhythm, the rocking and rolling, the gliding, stumbling, falling, dancing and flying. I’ll remember telling landmarks how beautiful they are as if they would reply. I’ll remember the magic of the lone hummingbirds visiting me. I’ll remember the cool breezes around the bend and the expansive views on the ridges. I’ll remember being totally present and meditative. I’ll remember my breakdowns and panic attack’s. I’ll remember the deafening silences in the night. I’ll remember the symphony of morning birds. I’ll remember the street-light moon. I’ll remember the fiery skies at dusk and the alpenglow. And I’ll remember making it to Bridge of the Gods on the Columbia River, walking halfway, against traffic with no pedestrian lane. I’ll remember the overwhelming support I’ve had from my friends and family.

I am sure I will return to the Pacific Crest Trail in due time. And I am already looking forward to my return.

Thank you all so much for keeping up with my journey. If your heart desires such a thing, I hope you get a chance to experience the trail for yourself.

With love,

Lauren (Cam)

[julesfitnessxo]

Binge Eating Disorder

Growing up, I always interacted with food in a different way to everyone else. I remember even at five, six years old I would always sneak into the kitchen at night whilst my parents watched TV in the sitting room, and devour anything I could from the cupboards. My mum once told me she found me eating spoonfuls of sugar from the bowl- SUGAR. RAW SUGAR. I would eat anything and everything, in large quantities too. I’m not sure if it was the lust for something forbidden that triggered it- I was never, and still aren’t, one for doing what I was told- or if it was just greed. At parties I would always be picking at the food, eating huge portions whilst my friends could subside on a few crisps and a piece of cake. I ate faster and drank faster than other people. I had a massive sweet tooth- chocolate was my favourite thing in the world. I was also a little heavier than the rest of my friends- I was tall, muscly, broader. I have never have a super-thin bone structure. I wasn’t ‘fat’ by any means, but certainly a little larger than everyone else.

This strange relationship with food would follow me my entire life. I began to be able to eat larger and larger quantities, and when I was around twelve, I began bingeing properly. I used to use any spare change I could find to go down to the corner shop when my mum wasn’t home, and buy snacks. I would buy anything, usually huge slabs of chocolate or massive bags of crisps or an entire tub of Ben and Jerrys ice cream. Then I would go home, turn on a movie, and eat the entire thing. I guess it became a comfort thing, a routine. And of course, I began to gain weight. When puberty hit this only got worse. I found I was ravenously hungry all the time, and most of my days were fixated on food. 

I remember hating my body and wanting to lose weight since I was seven. This hatred only grew as I got older, and gained more and more weight. By the age of fifteen I weighed almost 190 pounds. I was around 5′9 at the time, so height contributed to the number, but it was still massively overweight for my age. I would try and diet, but the urge to binge was just to strong to overcome.

I am now 19, and it’s still there. I’m writing this because last night, after a day of reasonably healthy eating, I ate an entire 12 inch pizza and cheesy chips in the space of around five minutes. Not normal, right? It was the first time I’d properly BINGED in a good month or so, as I’ve been eating healthy and exercising a lot recently. And it felt SO GOOD in the moment. I remember literally stuffing the food into my mouth, even though it was boiling hot and burned my tongue and throat, but I just couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t stop. I felt completely out of control- feral, almost, like a wild animal. I’d eaten enough food during the day so it wasn’t as if I’d deprived myself into needing that vast amount of calories. 

That’s what binges feel like. In that moment, it’s just you and the food. Nothing else exists. There is no limit to what you can eat. You literally STUFF the food into your mouth, barely swallowing it, barely even TASTING it. It’s just more and more, more and more, until you can barely breathe you’re so full. But you keep on eating and eating, even when your stomach is SCREAMING in pain, because it feels so good. I’m telling you, it’s the best feeling in the world to me. During a binge, I feel ecstatic. It’s literally like I’m eating away my problems. It’s a release, a form of escapism, sure, but it also feels like a carnal instinct. Like something deep within me is driving me - my brain isn’t really functioning properly, as if it’s been taken over by an outside force. It’s kind of like I’m a different person. 

It’s like the hunger signal to my brain just isn’t there. For example, say you’re having a hang out with a group of friends, and there’s snacks. Everyone will pick at them for a bit, and then just kind of forget that they’re there. Whereas with me, I’m CONSTANTLY thinking about food. I’m constantly picking at the food, even if it’s cold and congealed and disgusting. Food is always on my mind. 

Obviously, I’ve come to release that this pattern of behaviour isn’t normal. I’ve started to do some research about binge eating, and I’ve come to these conclusions.

1. MY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD IS SOME FORM OF ADDICTION: Addiction runs in my family. On my dad’s side, almost every family member is addicted to alcohol. My aunt actually passed away from alcoholism.  I’m not - and hopefully never will be- but I do believe I have inherited that ‘addiction gene’, if such a thing exists. My addiction is food. Food is more than just something nice or pleasing to me- it is EVERYTHING. I think about it all the time. I guess I could compare myself to the way a heroin addict acts- sacrificing everything just to get that next hit, that next rush, that next binge for me. Also, from observing my one family and also the actions of others with addiction, it is something that is done very secretly. For example my dad drinks and suffers with alcohol addiction, and so when he drinks he drinks secretly. I think a huge part of this is shame, and embarrassment- shame for being so dependant on drink. For me when I binge, I always binge alone. I would never dream of consuming food the way I do during a binge in front of other people. I eat alone out of shame and embarrassment too, shame for consuming such high quantities. So, I guess I could consider myself an addict in some way. There are certainly more dangerous things to be addicted to than food, however this does not mean that this addiction is any less valid or important.

2. THE DESIRE TO BINGE CAN COME FROM ANYWHERE: A lot of therapists claim that people who suffer with eating disorders do so because of emotional issues and trauma in their past/present of some kind- with a lot of disorders such as anorexia, it’s more of a form of control than about weight loss, or about food. 

Binge eating disorder, however, is slightly more complex than that. I don’t necessarily believe that my desire to binge stems from a past/present emotional trauma, nor do I believe I always use bingeing as a coping mechanism, like to cope with issues I have in my life. Sometimes, yes, after a shit day I am more likely to binge than if I had had a great one. However, most of them, they seem more of a carnal instinct, something that I’ve always had in my brain. It’s not about control for me, either- the entire thing is feeling out of control. Bingeing is definitely a form of release and escapism, yes, (at least it is for me), but I don’t know, it seems more mechanical than emotional, if that makes any sort of sense. 

3. I DO HAVE AN EATING DISORDER: It took me a long time to recognise binge eating disorder as a ‘real’ eating disorder. My mum had always just told me I ate a lot simply because I was ‘greedy’, however I don’t agree. Just because anorexia and bulimia are the most ‘publicised’ and well-known eating disorders, doesn’t mean others don’t exist. Technically, I have suffered from an eating disorder for almost all my life, I just haven’t realised it. So that means I can apply terms like ‘relapse’ and ‘recovery’ to my own life. I have gone through several stages of relapse, several short periods of recovery. Now, I want to recover for good. 

Recovery seems completely impossible for me at this point. Maybe I’ll never be completely recovered, maybe I’ll always have this disorder. I’m not even sure if the point of recovery is to reach the point where the urge to binge just doesn’t exist within me anymore, or to reach the point where it’s there, but I can control it for the most part. 

All I know is today marks the first date in my ‘road to recovery’- as disgustingly cliche as that may sound. I’m sharing my story on here firstly because I hope it’ll keep me more accountable, and secondly because binge eating disorder is an incredibly isolating thing. I don’t know anyone else in my friendship circle who has this- no one. When I began to research it though, I read articles and watched videos from people- some of them celebrities- who suffer too, and I don’t know, I guess it just made me feel less alone, and more validated. I hope this ‘diary’ I guess, I don’t know exactly what to call it- account?- makes somebody out there feel less alone too. 

So, here goes. 

#binge eating #binge

[alixofagnia]

Space Jane Eyre in 10 Quotes (Or Why Charlotte Brontë Would Have Been a Reylo)

Basic Character Similarities

Rey/Jane Eyre

The most obvious similarity between the two is their origins. Rey and Jane are orphans and they both had hard, cruel childhoods because of it. Jane, poor and lonely, is raised by her cold relations, the Reeds, and later sent to suffer the harsh and starving conditions of the Lowood school, run by the autocratic hand of Mr. Brocklehurst. Rey, also poor and lonely, was abandoned by her parents, who are apparently dead. She grew up in the harsh conditions of Jakku, where hunger was a constant companion. Unkar Plutt is the Star Wars counterpart of both the Reeds and Brocklehurst.

Interestingly, neither heroine is embittered or cowed by these grim beginnings. Of necessity, they have a keen sense of self-reliance and self-loyalty, and cling to their own sense of merit. Rey and Jane come from nothing, but they make the better choices.

Ben Solo/Rochester

The most obvious similarity between the two is their turbulent family history and the direction they went because of that. Ben Solo is the sole inheritor of a galactic legacy with a family who expected great things of him. But, one by one, they lost faith in him and the betrayal fueled his descent to the Dark Side. Rochester comes from a wealthy family, but he is a younger son and his father, who refused to split his estate between two sons, arranged to have Rochester marry a rich woman. Both the father and older brother, Rowland, in their desire for wealth, withheld from Rochester the fact that hereditary mental illness ran in her family. The anger over the betrayal and subsequent burden of an insane, violent wife fueled Rochester’s descent into debauchery.

Both men can be said to have misspent their youth, live by a skewed moral compass, and give in far too often to primal instincts, such as fear, anger, and violence. Ben and Rochester come from everything, but they make the poorer choices. In a way, each has given up hope of being something different or changing course, until they meet their respective (or potential) partners.

10 Quotes

OK, here we go.

1) After Jane and Rochester meet:

R: And you came from-?

J: From Lowood school, in –shire.

R: How long were you there?

J: Eight years.

R: Eight years! You must be tenacious of life. I thought half the time in such a place would have done up any constitution! No wonder you have rather the look of another world. I marveled where you had got that sort of face.

Reylo parallel: This is essentially similar to Kylo’s reaction in TFA to finding out that Rey is from the harsh environs of Jakku and isn’t as, well, crusted up (physically and mentally) as she ought to be. It’s sort of where I feel some of his nascent fascination with her starts.

2) Jane speaking to Rochester’s housekeeper, Mrs. Fairfax, about Rochester:

F: If he has peculiarities of temper, allowance should be made.

J: Why?

F: Partly because it is his nature – and we can none of us help our nature; and, partly, he has painful thoughts, no doubt, to harass him, and make his spirits unequal.

J: What about?

F: Family troubles, for one thing.

J: But he has no family.

F: Not now, but he has had – or, at least, relatives. […] Rowland combined to bring Mr. Edward into what he considered a painful position, for the sake of making his fortune: what the precise nature of that position was I never clearly knew, but his spirit could not brook what he had to suffer in it. He is not very forgiving: he broke with his family, and now for many years he has led an unsettled kind of life.

Reylo parallel: Mirrors Ben’s painful parting from his own family through a series of perceived personal betrayals. We can also draw comparisons between the imbalances of nature in both characters.

3) Rochester opening up to Jane about the person he was at her age:

R: Nature meant me to be, on the whole, a good man, one of the better end; and you see I am not so. Take my word for it – I am not a villain: you are not to suppose that – not to attribute to me any such bad eminence; but, owing, I verily believe, rather to circumstances than to my natural bent, I am a trite common-place sinner, hackneyed in all the poor petty dissipations with which the rich and worthless try to put on life. […] Remorse is the poison of life.

J: Repentance is said to be its cure, sir.

R: It is not its cure. Reformation may be its cure; and I could reform–I have strength yet for that–if–but where is the use of thinking of it, hampered, burdened, cursed as I am? Besides, since happiness is irrevocably denied me, I have a right to get pleasure out of life: and I will get it, cost what it may.

Reylo parallel: Rochester’s first quote reminds me of Adam Driver’s interpretation of Kylo Ren when he said that the most dangerous and the most complicated villain is the villain who believes they’re right. Ben, despite his upbringing which would suggest otherwise, was in some ways a victim of his circumstances. Intensely lonely, very much isolated as much by his Force inheritance as his bloodline, Ben was ripe for being preyed on by someone wanting to twist his insecurities for their own machinations. Rochester’s second quote, at Jane’s prompt, echoes the back and forth conflict we see in Kylo in TFA and in Ben in TLJ. He thinks he made his choice and continues to try to rationalize and resign himself to it the way Rochester does.

4) Jane’s response to this:

J: Only one thing I know: you said you were not as good as you should like to be, and that you regretted your own imperfection; one thing I can comprehend: you intimated that to have a sullied memory was a perpetual bane. It seems to me, that if you tried hard, you would in time find it possible to become what you yourself would approve; and that if from this day you began with resolution to correct your thoughts and actions, you would in a few years have laid up a new and stainless store of recollections, to which you might revert with pleasure.

Reylo parallel: Oh, Jesus, Jane/Rey. How pure you are. This touches a bit on the “kill your past” mantra that Ben hammers into Rey, who like Jane, has already dealt with her past in some ways. It colors who they’ve become and it’s painful to both, but the pain of it didn’t completely twist them, like it did in Ben and Rochester. Jane’s advice here sums up what Rey’s thought process regarding the turning of Ben Solo might have been like.

5) Jane reflecting to herself on Rochester:

J: And was Rochester now ugly in my eyes? No, reader. Yet I had not forgotten his faults: indeed, I could not, for he brought them frequently before me. He was proud, sardonic, harsh to inferiority of every description: in my secret soul I knew that his great kindness to me was balanced by unjust severity to many others. He was moody, too; unaccountably so. But I believed that his moodiness, his harshness, and his former faults of morality (I say former, for now he seemed corrected of them) had their source in some cruel cross of fate. I believed he was naturally a man of better tendencies, higher principles, and purer tastes than such as circumstances had developed, education instilled, or destiny encouraged. I thought there were excellent materials in him; though for the present they hung together somewhat spoiled and tangled. I cannot deny that I grieved for his grief, whatever that was, and would have given much to assuage it.

Reylo parallel: Holy shit. Well, aside from being a scarily accurate character study of Ben Solo as well as Rochester, this is basically summarizing the intimate notes that come out of Reylo’s Force connection, Rey’s gradual empathy for Ben, and her later rationalization for trying to bring him back: the belief that Ben can change his “faults of morality.” But, like Jane, this quote reflects Rey’s probable understanding that Ben still has some serious personality flaws to overcome before she could really love him. It also includes the definition of a Byronic hero and in it, you can see the clear parallels to Ben’s characterization as a Byronic hero.

6) Rochester disguises himself as a gypsy to try and obtain unguarded answers from Jane:

R: You are cold; you are sick; and you are silly.

J: Prove it.

R: I will; in few words. You are cold, because you are alone; no contact strikes the fire from you that is in you. You are sick; because the best of feelings, the highest and the sweetest given to man, keeps far away from you. You are silly; because, suffer as you may, you will not beckon it to approach; nor will you stir one step to meet it where it waits you.

Reylo parallel: This, to me, in both stories, is Ben/Rochester trying to lure Rey/Jane to him by forcing her to re-evaluate her truths. He’s trying to break her resolve. It doesn’t really work, in either case, because as I’ve said, though they may feel pain from time to time, Rey and Jane have not let these wounds fester, and it has made them basically untouchable from Ben/Rochester’s manipulations.

7) Just to nail that point home, Rochester (still in gypsy form) analyzes Jane:

R: [Jane’s] brow professes to say, - “I can live alone, if self-respect and circumstances require me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inward treasure, born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld; or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give. Reason sits firm and holds the reins, and she will not let the feelings burst away and hurry her to wild chasms. The passions may rage furiously, like true heathens, as they are; and the desires may imagine all sorts of vain things: but judgment shall still have the last word in every argument, and the casting vote in every decision. Strong wind, earthquake shock, and fire may pass by: but I shall follow the guiding of that still small voice which interprets the dictates of conscience.”

Reylo parallel: Let me just say, I really love Charlotte Brontë. For me, this is a further character similarity between Jane and Rey that makes me love both characters so much. Rochester might be getting a little carried away here, but this is such an apt description of Rey, too, and again foreshadows her final resolve to leave Ben just as it foreshadows Jane’s decision to leave Rochester. His analysis hits Rochester pretty hard and he ends the gypsy charade by revealing himself to Jane, who basically knew all along that it was him. I like to think Ben comes to a similar understanding of Rey over the course of their Force connections and admires her for it.

8) Rochester is mad and desperate over Jane’s rejection:

R: Never was anything at once so frail and so indomitable. A mere reed she feels in my hand! I could bend her with my finger and thumb: and what good would it do if I bent, if I uptore, if I crushed her? Consider that eye: consider the resolute, wild, free thing looking out of it, defying me, with more than courage–with a stern triumph. Whatever I do with its cage, I cannot get at it– the savage, beautiful creature! If I tear, if I rend the slight prison, my outrage will only let the captive loose. Conqueror I might be of the house; but the inmate would escape to heaven before I could call myself possessor of its clay dwelling-place. And it is you, spirit–with will and energy, and virtue and purity–that I want: not alone your brittle frame.

Reylo parallel: Well, this is pretty much the inner thought process flooding Ben’s mind space after the throne room proposal and its rejection. It contains Rochester’s violent undertones, which are actualized by Ben’s actions on Crait and echoed in his claimed intention to destroy Rey. The insight Rochester gains, however, from this violent thinking is something Ben (likely) realizes too late on the floor of the abandoned base: his violence has given way to the hollowness of a false victory.

9) Jane’s tragic leave-taking and famous line:

J: I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being with an independent will; which I now exert to leave you.

R: And your will shall decide your destiny. I offer you my hand, my heart, and a share of all my possessions.

J: You play a farce, which I merely laugh at.

R: I ask you to pass through life at my side – to be my second self and best earthly companion.

J: For that fate you have already made your choice, and must abide by it.

Reylo parallel: Essentially, this is the dialogue between Reylo in their final, closing Force interchange. You could subtitle their shots with these lines.

10) After Jane and Rochester are reunited she self-reflects:

J: I should not have left him thus, he said, without any means of making my way: I should have told him my intention. I should have confided in him: he would never have forced me to be his mistress. Violent as he had seemed in despair, he, in truth, loved me far too well and too tenderly to constitute himself my tyrant: he would have given me half his fortune, without demanding so much as a kiss in return, rather than I should have flung myself friendless on the wide world.

Reylo parallel: This is the retrospection that Reylo should get in IX. How many of us noted that, had Rey been less impulsive and just asked what Ben meant by creating a new order, maybe Reylo would have ended TLJ on the same side? Ben wasn’t obviously asking Rey to be his mistress, but it represents the moral miscommunication that happened between them. And, obviously, Rey isn’t friendless in a sense. But Ben knows how deep her loneliness and isolation run, and is protective of that the way Rochester is protective of Jane’s well-being. The angst!

Reylo is Space Jane Eyre. That is all.

Bonus Quote

R: I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you–especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I’ve a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly.

Reylo parallel: Force bond.

#reylo #reylo meta #rey #ben solo #kylo ren #star wars episode ix #the last jedi #space jane eyre #long book report

[shalegas34]

Pokemon of the Month - Frynai

Written for PU Creators Collective

-------------------------------------------

My name is blades, and I am a level 45 Daikatuna. Why no capital letter on ‘blades’? My teammate Shalegas would say it’s because Ari is a fucking degenerate, but I like to think their finger just slipped.

Despite the sword which protrudes from my forehead, I think of myself as a pokemon of peace. I battle only to help Ari win money and overcome deeply entrenched security issues from a childhood of abandonment (that’s the gist I get from their chronic drinking and a few pieces of gossip from kitty). Despite an obvious natural flair for it, I find little enjoyment in slicing other pokemon into pieces.

I turn in my pokeball and listen to the voices assaulting my ears from elsewhere in the bag.

“The fuck is going on out there,” Shalegas snaps.

“The fuck should I know,” kitty drawls in reply.

I lower my sword in concentration. Now that I think about it, the bag is bouncing around more vigorously than usual. I consider the possibilities. Either Ari’s friend Theo is carrying both bags, or Ari is running… I admonish myself for letting such a absurd thought enter my head. Theo is definitely carrying both bags.

“Guys, back to our discussion about the physics of relativity and time dilation,” a voice whines from behind me. That’s Tracton. Half the words Tracton says don’t make sense to me, or anyone else for that matter.

“Dilation,” Shalegas snickers, like Tracton just said ‘69’.

I jump in to save everyone. “Tracton, let’s talk about that later,” I say, propping my sword back up. “Shalegas, tell us the story of your capture.”

I can feel Tracton rolling its eyes, but I know it loves this story, just like the rest of us. Shalegas in particular enjoys a retelling.

“So I’m just chillin in my field, doing my thing…” Despite myself, I zone out. I start thinking about my own capture. As fake as it sounds, I relate most to Shalegas out of all my teammates, even though it’s a total nutcase. You see, the other two were bred in captivity. I, like Shalegas, was once a pokemon of the wild.

I grew up in the shallow waters east of Rochfale Town with my numerous brothers and sisters. We don’t have parents (that’s a fish thing; they don’t hang around after dropping their spawn. Kind of like Ari’s parents, come to think of it…). My siblings were normal for Frynai – they partook in the yearly Magikarp hunting championships, always fought with each other to sharpen their fins, and ate like incinerators to fuel their growing muscles. This gluttony led to many being hooked by members of the Rochfale Fisherman’s Club.

“You are a loser, 413,” a gang of my brothers said to me one day. I was tending my patch of kelp in the shelter of the cliff, trying to attract Shrimputy so I could steal a gun to woo a partner. Seeing as all Frynai had this obsession with violence, but I couldn’t demonstrate any myself, I felt like I had no choice but to obtain a weapon by other means.

“Yeah, 413, why do you never fight like the rest of us?” One of my brothers shoved me and I crashed into the rock fragment I was using as a shovel.

“Go away,” I said. “I’m not bothering you, so don’t bother me.”

“You do bother us.” My sisters had flocked over to lap up the drama. “Everyone knows you’re related to us, and it’s embarrassing.”

They closed in as they talked. Soon, I was completely encircled by my bloodthirsty siblings, with no way out. I gulped. Surely they wouldn’t really attack me, one of their own…

“Get her!” 1 shouted, the first hatched and biggest of the lot.

The swarm descended on me in an explosion of air bubbles, and I swung out my fins to defend myself. I felt them make contact with flesh, a repulsive feeling. Suddenly, the unbearable crush lifted, and I opened my eyes to see what had happened. Four or five of my siblings lay dead on the sea floor around me, and the rest were backing away, terrified.

“Fuck me,” one of my brothers whispered. At that, they all turned around and fled.

That was the day I discovered my adamant nature. Just like that, I became even more of an outcast in the community. I had the most desirable nature for a Frynai, and yet I refused to use it for competitive means. Everyone resented me for it. 1 started a rumour that I was a witch, and younger fish were scared to venture near the cliffs as a result.

A huge jolt snaps me out of the reminiscing. Shalegas lets out a string of curses. I try to make out the words being shouted outside the bag.

“…Keys!” is all I can decipher. I sigh. All I want is to live in peace. I lie back in my ball and try to relax.

BOOM! The floor drops away beneath me and light assaults my eyes. Oh no. Ari has released me from my ball. I land in some shallow water with an almighty splash, my back fins crunching into the sea bed in a hard landing. A split second later, Ari has leapt onto my shoulder, gasping for breath. Have they actually been running?!

Three boys are standing on a nearby jetty, one taking a puff from an inhaler. “We just want the boat keys back,” the asthmatic one says.

Nothing Ari does fazes me anymore. As the boys climb onto my back and I start swimming where Ari directs me, I let my mind lapse back to our first meeting.

As a rumoured witch, I spent the next few months living in isolation. Nobody talked to me, nobody served me at the market, and I certainly had no hope of attracting a partner now. I grew increasingly depressed. All I wanted was a friend. I had a pleasant temperament, but only anger and violence were valued in my community.

Eventually I realised I needed a change of scenery. I bid a sad farewell to my kelp farm under the cliffs, and prepared for the long journey towards shore. There was nothing left for me here. 

As I swam, crowds parted for me, but out of fear, not reverence. The further I swam, the sparser the Frynai became. I passed the odd adventurer, but mostly I was surrounded by Brailip and Folerog. This was a bad sign; the fattened fauna meant I was coming up on the Rochfale jetty, just outside the Fisherman’s Club. I made a sharp corrective turn to the south, and at that exact moment a gargantuan splash tore up the water above me. I sucked in a mouthful of water in shock, and with it came a piece of bait and a hook. I was caught.

A few months earlier, I might have struggled. But I simply didn’t care anymore by that point. Looking back, I miss the freedom of roaming the seas, but at that moment I was too lonely to appreciate it.

I was dragged up and out of the water, and landed on the wooden jetty. I looked around in bemusement. Was this what all my captured brothers and sisters had seen in their final moments? A large creature covered in green grass and steel plates was lying on the jetty, sunbaking. Another large creature covered in golden alloy was standing with its backside facing me. Finally, what looked from my angle like a plate (don’t tell Shalegas I said that) hovered overhead, smacking the hand of a human. I closed my eyes and waited for death, but all that came was the sensation of being sucked up by a strong vacuum.

“Hello?!” I called out. All I could see was a sort of blue murk, which looked somewhat like the deep sea.

“Don’t panic,” a whiny voice came back. “You’re inside a pokeball. It’s where humans keep us when they’re carrying us around.”

“515?” I said, confused. One of my sisters had a whiny voice like that.

“What the fuck?” a new voice piped up, and something smacked into the side of my ball, making the deep sea scenery shake a little. “What the fuck is 515?”

“My sister,” I replied.

“Uhh… You’re weird,” the voice replied. “The name’s Shalegas. Ari – that’s our human – will give you a name too, probably. Don’t complain, you can’t change it.” I heard a slight bitterness in Shalegas’s voice.

“My name’s Tracton,” the whiny voice from earlier said. “We’re all steel types. What about you?”

“I think I am,” I replied, trying to remember what I knew about type classification. “I’m a Frynai.”

“Oh sick!” Shalegas yelled. “You gotta show us some sword moves next time they let us out.”

“I don’t like fighting,” I said sadly.

“I didn’t say you had to beat anyone up,” Shalegas said pompously. “That’s my job, and kitty’s.” I heard Tracton sniff. “You can swing your sword around though, right? Like a sword dance? I’ve always wanted to see that shit.”

And, just like that, my life changed again. Five minutes earlier, I hadn’t cared if I lived or died. Now I had a family.

I liked Shalegas best from the start (again, don’t tell it I said that). Kitty was a good laugh to have inside the bag, although that didn’t happen very often. Tracton explained that kitty was Ari’s starter, and therefore their favourite. Kitty got to walk around outside the most. Pyrite was quiet but nice, and I learned everything I could ever want to know from Tracton (apart from Ari’s personal issues, which are still kitty’s area of expertise).

I came to realise that my strength could be used for good and glory, not just bloodthirsty hunting and murder. I felt a weird sense of pride that time I helped protect Ari and Solana from the ninja in Maskara Channel. I’ve finally found friends, and a place where I belong.

I crash into the side of a boat. Being the Daikatuna I am now, it’s the boat that gets a dent, not me. A weight lifts off my shoulders as Ari and the three boys climb off. I gaze around at Venesi City before Ari sucks me back into my ball.

Onwards to the next adventure.  

#pokemon uranium #blades is probably the least developed character from steel type playthrough (apart from pyrite) so here you go :p

[nerdygaymormon]

On twitter you mentioned you were making a song list for Pride. What's on your playlist?

Everyone has their own list of songs, but here’s my Pride playlist. This includes songs by LGBT performers, gay anthems, songs that are about LGBT topics & people, and songs that if you squint they speak to the queer experience. And many of these are great songs for dancing, which makes sense as even today most of the specifically-queer spaces are bars and dance clubs.

1939 - Over the Rainbow : Judy Garland - “the dreams that you dream of […] really do come true.”  When homosexual acts were illegal – the term “friend of Dorothy” was underground slang for a gay man.

1964 - Don’t Rain on my Parade - Barbra Streisand - We do like great big colorful parades, don’t we. Please don’t rain on those parades. The song is about how we got one life and so live it with gusto, do the things you most want to do. I’m holding my own parade and nobody is going to rain on it.

1966 - You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me : Dusty Springfield - The singer proclaims she’ll take whatever she can get from the object of her love. Generations of closeted women & men could identify with that. “You don’t have to say you love me, just be close at hand. You don’t have to stay forever, I will understand”

1969 - Make Your Own Kind of Music : Mama Cass - The message is about taking pride in your uniqueness and individualism

1975 - Dancing Queen : ABBA - This is a story of a 17-year-old girl on a nightclub dance floor, lost in the music and the moment. Of course, “queen” has a different meaning in the queer community and so this is often sung tongue-in-cheek. Over the years, queer acts like Erasure covered ABBA’s songs, and their songs were featured in several movies that appealed to gay audiences, making ABBA icons in the community.  

1977 - I Feel Love : Donna Summer - A song about loving your body and your desires, a powerful sentiment for people whose attractions were once seen as deviant. Try to listen to this song and not feel like dancing.

1977 - I Will Survive : Gloria Gaynor - You can imagine marginalized people asking the same questions in the song: “Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?” The gay community has embraced lyrics that are a declaration of pride “I used to cry / But now I hold my head up high.” Even after decades of progress, many LGBTQ+ people still have to deal with daily assaults on their personhood & “I Will Survive” remains relevant.

1978 - Don’t Stop Me Now : Queen - Essentially the song is just a man intent on having a wild night out and inviting the rest of us to come along for the ride or else get out of his way. The love interests flip between male & female and back again, which makes sense since Freddie Mercury was bisexual.

1978 - Y.M.C.A. : Village People - Very fun song. The lyrics make me think of young gay teens being kicked out of their homes by their parents, many of whom migrated to big cities like New York. The YMCA’s provided shelter for them.  “Young man, there’s no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man, ‘cause you’re in a new town. There’s no need to be unhappy.” And of course, the lyrics hint at all the gay activity, too. “You can stay there, and I’m sure you will find many ways to have a good time. It’s fun to stay at the YMCA. They have everything for you men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys.“ 

1978 - You Make Me Fee (Mighty Real) : Sylvester - The singer is black, gay and some form of gender queer and sings the song in falsetto. The words about feeling real, those mean something to people who had to come to terms with who they are.

1979 - Go West : Village People - This song imagines a utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. It’s a song of queer community & spirit, and we’ll do it “Together!”

1979 - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) : ABBA - is about a woman alone in an apartment watching television late at night as the wind howls outside. She says, “Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.” A sentiment many a gay man could sing along with. 

1979 - We are Family : Sister Sledge - The song has a message of unity, and gay people often have to build a chosen family, and this song fits that.

1980 - I’m Coming Out : Diana Ross - Yes, this song is about that kind of “coming out.” The lyrics also are about being your truest self and throwing aside shame’s shackles.

1981 - Tainted Love : Soft Cell - The gay experience is not all about empowerment & acceptance. Sometimes it’s about a narcissist who breaks your heart. This song coming at the start of the AIDS crisis came to represent some of the angst that was part of gay life. “Once I ran to you, now I’ll run from you.”

1982 - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me : Culture Club - Boy George wrote the lyrics about his relationship with the drummer Jon Moss. They had an affair for about six years that was kept hidden from the public, and George often felt hurt and emotional. The concept of the video is about being gay and victimized for your sexuality. It shows Boy George getting kicked out of different places in various historical settings. In the courtroom, the jurors are in blackface to show the bigotry and hypocrisy of the many gay judges and politicians in the UK who’d enacted anti-gay legislation.

1982 - It’s Raining Men : The Weather Girls - Super campy song, ridiculous words, but it’s sung fearlessly with vocal pyrotechnics that take the song over the top in the best possible sense. Yes, what gay boy didn’t wish it was raining men?

1983 - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun : Cyndi Lauper - This song is about breaking the rules, letting go, being free and being visible. And yeah, lesbians wanna have fun.

1983 - Relax : Frankie goes to Hollywood - At a time when gay sexuality was still mostly communicated via clever allusions and nonsexual portrayals of gay people, “Relax” was a song about sex—and despite the video being banned by the BBC and MTV—was the biggest pop song in the world.

1984 - I Want to Break Free : Queen - He’s complaining about the person he’s with, wants to break free from the person’s lies. And when he is free, “life still goes on,” only now he can’t get used to living without this person. The video is a parody of U.K. soap opera Coronation Street, which has the entire band in drag, Freddie Mercury as a housewife. Seeing them in drag, of course, gives it a queer vibe. The video was banned in the U.S. 🙄

1985 - You Spin Me Round : Dead or Alive - The singer is queer and singing a love song, the New Wave music is hot, and this is an iconic classic of the 1980’s

1986 - True Colors : Cyndi Lauper - The song is about seeing who someone really is and loving them for it. And it doesn’t hurt that your “true colors are beautiful like a rainbow”

1987 - Faith : George Michael - The song, about declining hookups and patiently waiting for a more meaningful connection, portrays a balancing act with which gay culture has long wrestled.  “Well I need someone to hold me but I’ll wait for something more. Yes, I’ve gotta have faith” is just as meaningful today in a culture searching for love while swiping left.

1987 - It’s a Sin : Pet Shop Boys - This song is about a person’s lifelong shame and guilt, presumably for being gay. “For everything I long to do, no matter when or where or who, has one thing in common, too. It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin”

1987 - Always on my Mind : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of an Elvis song, but they dropped the references to a girl, making it ambiguous the gender they’re singing about. 

1988 - A Little Respect : Erasure - Singer Andy Bell was one of the first openly gay pop stars to actually sing about queer romance. In this song he’s calling to a lover not to leave and asks the question, “What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?“ 

1989 - Express Yourself : Madonna -  It’s basically about standing up for yourself in a relationship. Don’t go for “second-best” just because he treats you nicely in bed, but then is never there when you need him. So why is this in my Pride playlist? The music video!

1989 - Part of Your World : Jodi Benson - This song is from Disney’s The Little Mermaid, Ariel rejected traditional marriage partners and wants to marry a human against her father’s wishes. She dreams of being a part of the human world. For a long time the LGBT community has wanted to pursue romance & marriage with whom we want and belong to & be welcomed by society. 

1990 - Vogue : Madonna - “Look around: Everywhere you turn is heartache.” That’s not exactly a fluffy opening for a dance-pop song—and that’s the point. This is still the time of America’s AIDS crisis, and this song is inspired by New York’s gay ball scene. This song wants you to put away the heavy stuff for a little while and get on the dance floor.

1990 - Freedom! ‘90 : George Michael - This song is cleverly about 2 things. One is about his career–the breakup of Wham! and then the success of Faith, and how he’s tired of being pushed around by his label so he’s taking control of his career and telling people to disregard the pop imagery of his past. It’s also about him wanting to come out of the closet regarding his homosexuality, “There’s something deep inside of me, there’s someone else I’ve got to be.” It would be almost another ten years before he was publicly out.

1990 - Being Boring : Pet Shop Boys - “When you’re young you find inspiration in anyone who’s ever gone and opened up a closing door,” I believe this is talking about being in the closet and the hope that comes from people who’ve come out. The final verse, “Some are here and some are missing in the 1990’s,” AIDS wiped out much of a generation of gay people in the 1980’s. Now he’s grown up and out of the closet as “the creature I was always meant to be.”

1990 - Gonna Make You Sweat : C+C Music Factory - Fun dance song. In a 1997 episode of the The Simpsons, a steel mill turns into a flamboyant gay club when this song comes over the loudspeaker

1992 - Constant Craving : k.d. lang - She had been a country singer, but came out as gay and released this song. Every lesbian knew exactly what k.d. was craving. There weren’t really any other lesbian pop stars who had come out. 

1992 - This Used to be my Playground : Madonna - This song is about losing childhood innocence and gaining responsibilities. The song came to be seen as an ode to gay friends who died during the AIDS crisis, and the loss of innocence that epidemic caused.

1992 - The Last Song : Elton John -  A young gay man dying of AIDS. The young man’s father “disowned” his son when he learned of his homosexuality only to overcome his homophobia when he learns that his son is dying and he has little time to spend with him. This one makes me cry.

1993 - Go West : Pet Shop Boys (a remake of the song by the Village People) - This song imagines a utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. It’s a song of queer community & spirit, and we’ll do it “Together!”

1993 - Come to my Window : Melissa Etheridge - Melissa put the rumors to rest by publicly coming out and then released an album titled “Yes, I Am.” This song from the album is about a love that’s steeped in secrecy “come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon.” Certainly many gay people know about keeping a love on the down low. The song’s bridge really voices what a lot of queer people feel: “I don’t care what they think, I don’t care what they say. What do they know about this love, anyway?”

1993 - Supermodel : Rupaul - His debut single introduced much of America to “sashay/shantay.” RuPaul used this breakthrough hit to become the first mainstream-approved drag queen.

1995 - I Kissed a Girl : Jill Sobule - An honest song of yearning, confusion, and freedom

1996 - Fastlove : George Michael - A guy was in a committed relationship, didn’t work out and now he just wants to not worry about love. “Had some bad love, so fast love is all that’s on my mind.” But even as he’s saying he’s seeking a casual hookup, keeps saying he misses his baby, being with someone he loves would be his preference.

1997 - Together Again : Janet Jackson - The album notes included: “I dedicate the song ‘Together Again’ to the friends I’ve lost to AIDS.” It’s a sweet song with hopeful words. “Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smilin’ back at me”

1997 - Man! I Feel Like a Woman : Shania Twain - This is about going out, letting down your hair and having a good time. Message is she loves being a woman. “The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun.” My queer friends who identify as women love feeling like a woman. 

1998 - Believe : Cher - Whatever happens, you’ve gotta believe there’s something better coming. It’s about strength and power and hope. And the fact that it’s not always easy to be who you are.

1998 - Reflection : Christina Aguilera - This song is from the Disney movie Mulan. It’s about others not know the real you, which means the lyrics can also fit the experience of being in the closet. “Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me. Every day it’s as if I play a part.” The song also was adopted by a lot of trans people to say how they feel on the inside doesn’t match how they look on the outside. “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”

1998 - Outside : George Michael - George Michael was entrapped by police committing a lewd act in a public men’s bathroom in Los Angeles under suspicious circumstances. The video mocks the way queer men are held to different standards about sex. Straight rock stars screw groupies in bathrooms all the time without police interference. 

1998 - It’s Not Right But It’s Okay : Whitney Houston - “I’m gonna be okay/ I’m gonna be alright” shows a certain defiance & determination to go on that strikes a chord with LGBT people

1999 - When She Loved Me : Sarah McLachlan - This is from Toy Story 2, if you remove the idea this is about a toy, the lyrics are about a woman reminiscing a past female lover.

2001 - Androgyny : Garbage - I think this song has two messages. First, don’t dismiss people who don’t fit traditional gender roles. The other message is about trans individuals who “can’t see the point in going on,” they’re reminded that “nothing in life is set in stone, there’s nothing that can’t be turned around.” “Boys in the girls room, Girls in the men’s room, You free your mind in your androgyny” Trans individuals who were assigned female at birth may consider themselves “boys in the girls room.” Then when they decide to present themselves as male, others may consider them to be “girls in the men’s room.”

2002 - Beautiful : Christina Aguilera - This song affirms those who feel they don’t fit in. The video includes young people with body issues, a goth punk, a (biological) man putting on women’s clothes and two guys kissing in public. “I am beautiful no matter what they say. Words can’t bring me down.” But songs can lift you up, and this one does.  

2005 - Hung Up : Madonna -  It’s about living your best life and not wasting anymore time on men who wont call you. And it has that synthesizer riff from ABBA’s Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)

2005 - Proud of Your Boy : Clay Aiken - This song was written for Aladdin. The words make me think of coming out and wondering what your parents are going to think and can you make your parents proud.

2006 - And I’m Telling You : Jennifer Hudson - This song is about an underdog, and being LGBT makes us underdogs in our heteronormative society. “And I am telling you that I’m not going.” I’m going to be here and I’m going to thrive, I’m going to be me and you’re going to see me and “You’re Gonna Love Me.” Those lyrics remind me about coming out and getting to be who you want to be, no matter what anybody tells you.

2006 - I Am What I Am : Ginger Minj - this song is from a broadway show about drag queens. The message is you only get one life so take your shots, whether or not they succeed, it’s better to live your life as who you are

2007 - I Don’t Dance : Corbin Bleu, Lucas Grabeel - This song from High School Musical 2 is a where Chad, co-president of the drama club, is trying to get Ryan, co-president of the basketball team, to “swing” to the other side, if you know what I mean. The scene in the movie is about playing baseball, and at the end of that shot, the two of them are sitting together wearing the other’s clothes. Guess Chad got Ryan to swing.  

2009 - Bad Romance : Lady Gaga - First, it’s gender neutral so any of us can sing without translating pronouns. Second, it’s about loving someone completely, including the “bad” parts, “I want your ugly, i want your disease.” Third, Lady Gaga showed up to the 2010 MTV Music Awards w/ four members of the U.S. military who had been discharged or resigned because of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. When she went on stage to receive the Video of the Year award for “Bad Romance,” Gaga had changed into the now-infamous “meat dress,” as a way to show her anger about the military’s anti-LGBTQ policy. “If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones,” she later explained to Ellen DeGeneres.  

2009 - If I Had You : Adam Lambert - I love how the beginning sounds like the singer is going out to a gay club “So I got my boots on, got the right amount of leather, and I’m doing me up with a black color liner, and I’m working my strut.” Not the way we usually hear about a guy getting ready for a night out  

2009 - Whataya Want From Me : Adam Lambert - I wonder if this song references when he was figuring out his sexuality with words like “Yeah, it’s plain to see, baby you’re beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s me, I’m a freak.”

2010 - All the Lovers : Kylie Minogue - A feel-good dance track about love. The video has people strip down to their underwear, form a pyramid and begin kissing. All sorts of people kissing, very pansexual.  

2010 - Raise Your Glass : P!nk - The song is a call to the underdogs of the world, the “loud and nitty-gritty dirty little freaks,” to ignore convention and just let loose. 

2010 - Firework : Katy Perry - She’s saying everyone is a firework–an ordinary, ugly, or insignificant wrapping but when the right situation arises, like a flame to a fuse, they ignite and show how amazing, extraordinary, and beautiful each one of us is. No wonder it’s loved by the queer community, once we let out what’s inside us, others will see we’re bright and beautiful. I will always think of being at Pride and a preacher guy spewing hate had entered the grounds and people formed a circle around him and sang this song, and many others joined in until security removed him, it was beautiful.  

2010 - Dancing on my Own : Robyn - It’s a break up song. “Somebody said you got a new friend. Does she love you better than I can? There’s a big black sky over my town.” But with a great dance beat like this, it’s a sure bet Robyn won’t be dancing on her own for long.

2010 - F**kin’ Perfect : P!nk - With all the negative messages we grow up hearing about our gender identity or sexual orientation, it’s so affirming to hear “Don’t you ever ever feel like your less than, less than perfect”

2010 - Grace Kelly : MIKA - While there aren’t any direct mentions of sexuality, this song is very much about how people have judged MIKA for being flamboyantly himself

2010 - Teenage Dream : Glee Cast - This song sung by one boy for another was a big moment on a big TV show.

2011 - We Found Love : Rihanna - Finding love in a hopeless place, for many queer people can mean what it’s like to be in a heteronormative society. Or also that hard transition to accept & love yourself, and imagining going from that to someone finding and loving you.

2011 - Americano : Lady Gaga - The song is about the unjust laws that exist in America, particularly regarding immigration and gay rights. She sings of a scenario in which she meets a girl from east L.A. (heavily Hispanic population) and falls in love with her but can’t marry due to the laws prohibiting gay marriage, “we fell in love but not in court.” As to the “I don’t speak your Americano/Languageono/Jesus Cristo” I think that’s refusing to use the type of rhetoric that is used to justify the laws.  

2011 - Born This Way : Lady Gaga - Many songs hint at queer identities and acceptance by using metaphors, but not this one, it is direct. “No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender life, I’m on the right track, baby, I was born to survive.” 

2012 - Let’s have a Kiki : Scissor Sisters -  A drag performer heading to put on a show but when she arrives at the club it’s been shut down by the police. Instead she calls up a friend and announces we’re coming over and having a kiki.

2012 - For All : Far East Movement - As the fight for marriage equality was taking place, this song’s lyrics meant a lot. “Love is for all. Life is for all. Dreams are for all. Hope is for all. Feel the love from everybody in the crowd now, this is for y’all, this is for all.” The video intersperses some uplifting words from President Obama. 

2012 - People Like Us : Kelly Clarkson - the song is about all the people who are brave enough to challenge the social norms to bring about changes in the world. These words in particular strike me: “this is the life that we choose” and “come out, come out if you dare,”

2012 - They Don’t Know About Us : One Direction - The song is about how people tell a couple they shouldn’t be together, that their love isn’t real. Sound like something a queer couple might hear? In the song, no one can stop them, they’re together for life. And people thought this song might have been hinting about Larry Stylinson.

2013 - Closer : Tegan and Sara - Not many bands are made up of twin lesbian sisters. This song is really cute. The lyrics are about the anticipation before the kiss, before anything gets physical. It’s a love song that conjures adolescent longing, And it’s cherishing that gap between anticipation and release—asking to be closer, not touching. And it seems to speak to that particularly queer feeling of wanting someone you know you may never get.

2013 - Brave : Sara Bareilles - she wrote this catchy song of courage as a love letter to a friend who was struggling to come out as an adult.

2013 - Follow Your Arrow : Kacey Musgraves - “kiss lots of boys – or kiss lots of girls, if that’s something you’re into,” pretty remarkable to be included in a Country song

2013 - Same Love : Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - I have a nephew who got called gay for wearing stylish clothes, being neat, and interested in art & music. He had a hard time accepting that his uncle (me) is gay because of his experience, and it made me think of this song.

2013 - She Keeps Me Warm : Mary Lambert - A beautiful song about how women can love each other, protect each other and want each other. And the lyrics “not crying on Sundays” I think means not believing the damning words preached by religion about being gay

2013 - Really Don’t Care : Demi Levato - The video starts off with Lovato expressing her support for the LGBT community and saying that “Jesus loves all.” After that, the music starts and Levato is seen singing at a Pride parade.

2013 - Q.U.E.E.N. : Janelle Monáe - The title is an acronym for Queer, Untouchables, Emigrants, Excommunicated, and Negroid. The song is about the empowerment of oppressed people. Monáe uses a question-answer format to explain stereotypes, misconceptions, and oppression.

2013 - Girls/Girls/Boys : Panic! At the Disco - This song describes a love triangle between a boy and two girls, and the boy is being played off against a girl for the other girl’s attention.

2014 - Break Free : Ariana Grande - Her older brother is gay and she grew up around his friends, she’s an ally. And the words of this song, “I’m stronger than I’ve been before. This is the part when I break free ’cause I can’t resist it no more” has the theme often found in gay anthems, that things are tough, but I’m tougher and going to make it.

2014 - Sleeping with a Friend : Neon Trees - Glenn Tyler says he was thinking of a straight friend when he wrote this (but used female pronouns in the song). It’s an unusual love song because it’s a cautionary tale of hooking up with someone you’re close with.

2014 - Sissy that Walk : Rupaul - a perfect walkway song for all those drag queens and any of the rest of us who want to flaunt it

2014 - Put ‘Em Up : Priory - The song begins with a religious mom saying her queer kid has some kind of sickness. But who gives anyone the right to judge another’s lover?

2014 - Rise Like a Phoenix - Conchita Wurst - This song is about combating prejudice and the judgement of others in modern society. Conchita won Eurovision wearing a gown, makeup and a beard.

2015 - Cool for the Summer : Demi Levato - She is curious and has a woman she’s gonna spend the summer exploring with. “Got a taste for the cherry and I just need to take a bite.”

2015 - Heaven : Troye Sivan - Troye sings candidly about what it’s like for a religious teenager to come out as gay, about the struggles coming to terms with your sexuality. “Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven? All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken, oh, so if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven?” The video features footage from LGBTQ protests throughout history.

2015 - Youth : Troye Sivan - It’s a really beautiful song about giving the best years of yourself to someone you love. 

2016 - Alive : Sia - The song is about someone who had a tough life, but is like, “I’m still breathing.” It is the personification of power.

2016 - Boyfriend : Tegan and Sara - This song tells the exhausting story of someone you’re basically dating, but they won’t come out in the open and admit it because they’re scared, confused, and insecure about their sexuality.

2016 - G.D.M.M.L. Grls : Tyler Glenn - Despite his best efforts to make church work, it didn’t work out because God Didn’t Make Me Like Girls.

2016 - Genghis Khan : Mike Snow - This video surprised me the first time I watched. It’s a James Bond-type hero & villain who fall for each other.  

2016 - The Greatest : Sia - Dedicated to the LGBT community in the wake of the Pulse shooting, Sia begs us to not give up and to follow our dreams.

2017 - Bad Liar : Selena Gomez - the video portrays a love triangle (with each character played by Selena)–a curious high school student, seductive gym coach and male teacher. Towards the end of the video, the high school student sings the line, “With my feelings on fire, guess I’m a bad liar,” as she looks at a photo of the gym teacher. It’s a scene that shows the fear of acknowledging and declaring our sexuality—a moment of many a queer experience.

2017- If You Were Gay : San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus - This song is from the musical Avenue Q. This choir’s performance of the song is delightful. 

2017 - This is Me : Keala Settle - The song from The Greatest Showman sings of resilience in the face of hardship — which, after all, is what Pride is all about. “Another round of bullets hits my skin. Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in”

2017 - You Will Be Found : Ben Platt - This song from Dear Evan Hansen means a lot to me. There’s a gay teen who posted a question on Tumblr, I responded, and together we’ve been through a lot, suicidality, helped him with coming out and nerves about a first love. He says this is our song because I found him. But for everyone, this song is hopeful that when you need it, someone will be there for you.

2017 - 1-800-273-8255 : Logic - This is a song about a closeted guy who is suicidal and calls a help line. The operator wants him to be alive and helps save him in that moment.

2017 - Bad at Love : Halsey - Halsey flips through all the guys and girls she’s dated in an attempt to understand why she hasn’t yet found love. Queen of bisexual relatability!

2018 - A Million Dream : P!nk - this song from The Greatest Showman is about the power of positive thinking, faith and believing in your dreams. For queer people, it’s a reminder that we are building a better world.

2018 - All the Things : Betty Who - This is the theme song for the wildly popular Netflix show Queer Eye.

2018 - Never Been In Love : Will Jay - It’s such a great bop and I have loved Will Jay since his IM5 days, and this seems perfect for my ace/aro friends. “I’m not missing out so don’t ask me again. Thanks for your concern, but here’s the thing, I’ve never been in love and it’s all good”

2018 - Make Me Feel : Janelle Monáe - Sexuality is simply how a person makes you feel, regardless of gender. The music video for ”Make Me Feel” features Janelle crawling between women’s legs and grinding up on both a male and female love interest under bisexual lighting.

2018 - Promises : Calvin Harris, Sam Smith - a glittery homage to vogueing and drag ballroom culture in the music video.

2019 - You Need to Calm Down : Taylor Swift - an entire verse that’s literally about going to a Pride parade.

#Pride #Pride Playlist

[lifeeastereggs-blog]

alone

Lo and behold, we are all “trapped” inside our houses, waiting, pondering, entertaining the idea that everything will go back to normal. The truth being: it won’t. Everything will change. It has to. Not sure how, but things will never be the same and that is probably one of the best things about this. It is necessary change for growth. With out it, we would all continue to be stuck where we are without any kind of progress moving forward.

In the meantime, we are alone. Can’t see the people that we love being with (or shouldn’t), can’t do the things that we love most because most places are closed, like getting coffee and sitting in a coffee shop, chatting in restaurants, drinking at bars; and most of all rather than being productive, we choose to spend our time elsewhere because the depressive feeling of isolation is quite the opposite of motivating; surprise.

I have always been okay with being alone, as a matter of fact I enjoy it. Its freedom to do whatever you want without being held back by anything other than your mind thus, allowing you to set forth and face the challenges you are scared to overcome. But it is the fact that I am alone inside that is torturing me. The idea that I can’t do anything; obviously not true, but it is difficult to not create a mental cage while for public safety, the government tries to mandate a physical one. A perfect environment for overthinking. Instead of being logistical and rational, wild thoughts that mean no significance splurge on the feast of time and boredom. Structure is what gets me through and helps me avoid those kinds of feelings, but that is what has been lost in this time of fear, as chaos wreaks havoc as things are attempting to re-balance. My love for being on time now insignificant; a day full of activities, gone; no more meaningless interactions with strangers without them being judgmental or mildly threatening. Instead my life has come to three days a week of overthinking and 4 days a week of not thinking: 12 hour work shifts of brutal, hard work, that require focus and precision with minimal room for error remove the ability to entertain thought. The remaining time, lost to my mind, which obviously fails to focus on online education because of the detachment from reality, the physical loss of responsibility of being present in lecture with the combination of access to the internet during every examination, fails my value for my education. And so I am consumed by my overthinking of meaningless problems as I feel as though the world is spiraling down and trapping me in my apartment. The desire to leave and do something is immense but the nagging obligation of doing my work restricts me from leaving, leaving me with a cage I have created for myself. Wanting to escape, but forcing myself to stay. Driving me insane. 

A problem with a fairly simple solution, you’d think, and yet the over exaggeration that because of it, my world is ending. And it almost feels like the story of Don Quixote. Making myself the hero in battles when really I’m waving my wooden sword at a windmill. 

Putting my thoughts in words I’m hoping I will change. Implementing a shift in perspectives and realizing reality, instead of lying to myself and creating fantasy. 

#quarantine

[sarahburness]

Growing from Ghosting: 5 Things To Consider While Dealing with Silence

“The important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he/she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don’t understand the impact of their behavior or worse, don’t care.” ~Jennice Vilhauer

Let’s get this out of the way first: Ghosting is crappy etiquette. There’s no real, concrete excuse for it, except perhaps pure, unadulterated laziness with a touch of cruelty.

We take for granted how much technology has changed the way we interact with people. We are humans first, but it seems we may be conflict-avoiding robots second. Efficiency and avoidance reign supreme in this futuristic dating world of 2017, and because of how easy it is to disregard anything and everything, common courtesy has now become painfully underutilized.

To be frank: it is exceptionally easy to ghost someone who has no connection to your life previous to the one encounter. If you aren’t feeling it with this new person, and you don’t want to use the mental leaps it takes to articulate a rejection to a practical stranger, then more likely than not you won’t communicate at all.

Access to the ignore button has never been easier, and pressing “unmatch” on Tinder equates deleting the person from your headspace and your own personal universe. Here are five things to consider in the land of ghosts.

1. What do you really want from the person who’s ghosting you?

In the land where easy hookups are abundant, polyamory is normal, and ethical non-monogamy sounds like something you’d see at a farmers market, here we all are, trying to figure this new world of dating out. With each generation of dating (and dating apps), we are met with new terminology, new hats to try on for ourselves, and we’re re-focusing our energies on what we are really looking for.

I am a monogamous person. That doesn’t mean that in my fifty-plus first dates, I haven’t been able to recognize some of my own awful behavior (long, dramatic paragraphs of anxiety-ridden texts to a new potential date, anyone?), so I’ve had to reexamine myself a multitude of times, take a major chill pill, and reorganize my needs and desires.

That being said, asking myself, “What am I really looking for?” after I get painfully ghosted is seemingly the best question to ask.

Why exactly was this painful (beyond it being inhuman and previously nonexistent before modern day dating)? Did I just want acknowledgement of my humanity? Closure so I can focus on the next person? Did I even find this person particularly interesting? What other things are going on in my life that are causing me to react so strongly?

Yes, monogamy is important to me, but getting overly upset about a person who feels no attachment toward me is a new kind of character building experience. Ghosting is a reminder that life is unfair and often severe. Technology has made communicating with each other easier to access, and yet has created a strange isolating landscape in which we are all a part of.

This feeling of desertion still applies to people who have been ghosted after several dates, or friendships that have suddenly and painfully disappeared; it just becomes more painful and potent.

2. The sea of excuses don’t feel any better than being ghosted.

I got on my old OKCupid account a couple years after being off. In a cruel twist of fate, I saw a sea of all of the men that I dated previously. We were all in this together, apparently, like some sort of sad loner club no one signed up for.

Here we were, the men that ghosted me and the men that like to me too much, and I didn’t feel the same. Somehow, after years we were all still here, and all using the same tired profile pictures.

After a few days, a man messaged me a lackluster apology that he ghosted me as he was going through “some stuff” at the time. And with that, he walked back into the internet, never responding my follow-up questions. Gee, thanks, I’m glad I could be a vessel in which you exonerated yourself from your strange guilt.

Does it feel better that he weakly apologized and gave a vague excuse for his behavior three years later? Not particularly. So, expecting any explanation at a later time isn’t helpful in this ghosting journey that we are all on.

More common than ghosting, here are some boring/obvious excuses I have heard instead of being ghosted, and they feel about the same as the disappearing act itself. In no particular order:

“Sorry, I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.” (They say, fully aware that I was a monogamous person looking for something serious before meeting.)

“You lied on your profile. You said you were 5’8”, but you’re taller.” (He says, as he lied about his own height, weight, blah, blah, blah. For the record, I’ve been 5’8” since I was twelve, unless I had a spontaneous growth spurt at thirty.)

“I didn’t sense a connection.” (He says, as he talked at me the entire time, completely unaware that I actually possessed a personality that he didn’t want to take part in.)

“You’re too good for me.” (Yes, probably so.)

People are either desperate or not desperate enough. This ebb and flow of dating is equal parts predictable and surprising. Protect your heart, date whoever you want, but know that you will eventually get your feelings hurt. Whether it’s half-baked excuses, or radio silence forever. You know the saying though: better to buy a ticket to the lottery than never to have played, right? RIGHT?

3. Know that you may ghost someone yourself.

Even I, Queen of All Emotions, have accidentally ghosted someone before.

Have you ever met someone so unremarkable you just simply forgot about them? You sat there during your date shrugging your shoulders, stirring your iced tea, wondering if this person had a pulse.

He stared at me blankly, asked me what I did, and I felt as if I was in a weird, monotone interview for a job that I didn’t remember applying for. As careful as I am, I accidentally ghosted someone and they were sad about it. I couldn’t even bring myself to apologize in fear I would open up the strange waves of communication with this person again.

It happens. I get it. It’s a two-way street and I’m human enough to realize my shortcomings. I’m sorry, Kevin. Or was it Brian? James? Steven?

4. You cannot educate a ghost.

This may be the most important realization on my journey through ghost country: You simply cannot educate a ghost. There will always be people perpetuating this stereotype of non-consideration (maybe even you!).

These people are not in your control. Sending them a “wake up call” does not work. It’s not your job to educate them.

This idea has been the hardest thing for me to accept. I have sent paragraphs of texts to men who have ghosted me. This only solidifies the silence. Obviously the person is not texting you back if you’re going to badger him on his shortcomings.

Maybe they’re going through something, you’re not on their mind, they don’t care in the slightest, or their phone was eaten by an alligator. Whatever the case may be, they don’t care enough to contact you, so your novel of setting the balance right in the world will go to blind eyes. It will drive you insane if you allow it. Do not allow it.

As long as you’re honest with yourself about your needs, somewhat earnest in whatever you’re trying to accomplish datingwise, then you can overcome this. It’s all you can do. Getting ghosted means actively becoming a stronger, wiser person, because the alternative is bitterness and never ending frustration.

Technology is still the Wild West of communication. We know how to correctly formulate an email to our boss, a job prospect, your great aunt Mabel, but to someone who is virtually meaningless to us, it’s becomes considerably more of a gray area.

In general, people just don’t know how to socialize properly in a digital format, so we have created a culture where we simply don’t. And because this was a casual encounter, saying something at all could put us in a situation where the other person over-compensates with their hurricane of emotions if the feelings weren’t mutual.

I get it, you don’t want to deal with a hot mess and I don’t want to deal with your issues either, and thus perpetuates the ghosting cycle of life.

5. In other words, relax.

Know that you’re putting in the effort. Know that if things are supposed to work out they will work out. Find a mantra, yoga, meditation technique, eat a giant plate of pancakes, do whatever makes you feel better to get over the first few hurdles of the unavoidable ghosting epidemic.

No one ever promised us that dating was always going to be enjoyable. The funny anecdotes in romantic comedies make it look like a barrel of laughs, but sometimes it simply isn’t. Accepting this is an unfortunate part of the trade off of putting yourself out there is like learning a tedious aspect of your job. You’re going to hate it at first, but if you still want to date, this is part of the job description.

In other words, be brave, certainly put yourself out there, but also send only one follow-up text, otherwise you will drive yourself into certain madness.

About Sarah E. Miller

Sarah E. Miller is a freelance writer, dabbler, collaborator, and an occasionally funny lady. She spends her days writing for various blogs, dreaming up big ideas and trying to put those dreams into action. To learn more about Sarah, visit her website sarahdoesitanyway.wordpress.com.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/growing-ghosting-5-things-consider-dealing-silence/

[fematrend]

The Demise of Dutch Football

After another embarrassing failure from the national team, Dutch football has plummeted to a new low that marks a spectacular fall from its golden days of club and international glory. The 2-0 win over Sweden in their final qualifying game on Tuesday couldn't prevent Netherlands missing out on the 2018 World Cup, but the country had given up hope long before then. After reaching the finals and semi-finals of the last two World Cups, Oranje find themselves the laughing stock of Europe and the latest slip leaves the country wondering once again where its national game is headed.

The nation that changed the sport with its revolutionary Total Football has crumbled, fallen far behind their European counterparts and is left to work out where it all went wrong.

With the famous style that blossomed at Ajax in the late 1960s under legendary coach Rinus Michels and a squad led by the iconic Johan Cruyff, the Dutch developed a philosophy that taught the world a new way of playing. Inspiring players and coaches for generations, their influence has been evident in some of the great foreign teams that have emerged since. The Ajax, Feyenoord and PSV sides that won European, UEFA and Club World Cups in the 1970s propelled Netherlands from an afterthought on the world stage to a dominant force.

Stars like Cruyff, Johnny Rep, Johan Neeskens, Wim Jansen, Willem van Hanegem, and Ruud Krol led national teams that won the hearts of fans across the world as they reached the 1974 and 78 World Cup finals. They were so scintillating they remain celebrated as among the best the competition has ever seen, despite losing both times. Known for producing excellent players to act out their style of high pressing, swapping of positions, neat passing in triangles and an attacking nature, they elevated football as an art form and spread the philosophy across the world. As if building on from the 1970s Ajax team and the 1974 World Cup, Michels oversaw another crop of remarkable players as a side consisting of Ruud Gullit, Ronald Koeman and Frank Rijkaard won the only major trophy the esteemed country has to its name. The combination of artistic beauty and sporting mastery that culminated in Marco van Basten’s winner against Russia in the 1988 European Championship goes down as the last truly wonderful moment for the national team.

However, none of that glorious style was evident in their dismal World Cup qualifying campaign this year.

The current team showed little resemblance to the past greats as they had no energetic pressing, smart passing or any sort of tactical plan or cohesion. With the midfield being completely bypassed and opponents finding it easy to isolate them on the wings, they looked helpless all the way through, carrying on a dismal three-year spell since the third-place finish at the 2014 World Cup. Needing wins and lots of goals in their last matches against Belarus and Sweden as they looked to overcome a three-point gap and a huge goal difference deficit to seal a playoff spot, Dick Advocaat’s side fell flat and showed that the competition in Russia will not be worse off without them. After the horror of missing out on an expanded Euro 2016, another summer of inactivity awaits next year and the Dutch football association (KNVB) must work out the next step to fixing the many problems in the team before the issues continue. Crucially, they must prepare for a change in generation within the squad.

  With veterans such as Arjen Robben, Wesley Sneijder, Robin van Persie and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar all being called upon throughout their qualifying campaign, the Dutch are still clinging to the team that made it to the final at the 2010 World Cup, but the switch in generation is inevitable. "We are in a phase where we don't have top, top players,” Ronald de Boer told Goal when asked about the current problems. "The top players are getting older and the young players are basically too young to fill in the gap. We have a lot of talent, but it is [young] talent, they have not arrived yet. “If I see the qualities [of the young Dutch generation] I think they are incredible. But it is still only talent that fluctuates... it is going great then it goes down. But, for me, they are unbelievably talented and hopefully [in the 2022 World Cup in Qatar] they will be at the age of about 25." The likes of Georginio Wijnaldum, Daley Blind, Kevin Strootman, Virgil van Dijk and Memphis Depay will develop further by then and suggest there will be a healthy bridge between age groups.

However, that they are missing a world-class star to succeed Robben as the hero of the team has fans dreading the day the 33-year-old brings an end to his career.

The way the talent of the current side has been handled through the latest catastrophe leaves little faith in the KNVB, given it is their long-term plan for getting through the two qualifying campaigns that led to it. The governing body claimed to be defending Dutch football’s “attacking principles” with the appointment of Guus Hiddink as Louis van Gaal’s successor after the 2014 World Cup, also naming Danny Blind as the man to take over after Euro 2016 to get them to Russia next year. The plan to make them a dominant, attacking team fell apart within the first year, however, as Hiddink left during the Euro 2016 qualifying round and Blind was let go halfway through the now-closed road to Russia.

  Amid their awful performances, the need to build up through the wings, lack of movement and understanding between players, the only resemblance they had to the previous generations was the 4-3-3 formation. To limit the Dutch style as merely the formation and desire to hold onto the ball for the sake of it is a wild misinterpretation of those attacking principles. “We lost identity,” ex-Ajax and Tottenham boss Martin Jol said recently. “Our identity was always good organisation and an attacking style. Now, if we do that, we concede too many goals. “In Netherlands our philosophy was to be different. Now we want to be like everybody else — and they are bigger and better than us.”

If the national team is far off the level expected, the domestic game is in as much of a crisis.

The 1970s was a glorious decade for Dutch club football after Feyenoord started an impeccable decade for the country with a 1970 European Cup win over Celtic. Each of Dutch football’s big three won international trophies in the next 10 years: Ajax were crowned continental champions in each of the next three seasons, while Feyenoord and PSV both claimed the UEFA Cup. Even though between them they would each win just one European trophy over the next three decades, they continued to be held in high regard with the quality they had in the squad. After Ronald Koeman, Wim Kieft and Willy van de Kerkhof led PSV to European Cup success in 1988, the Dutch style had one last sensational run thanks to Van Gaal’s young 1995 Champions League winning team that featured the De Boers, Patrick Kluivert, Marc Overmars and Clarence Seedorf. Now, it has since become normal for Dutch sides to crash out of Europe before they enter the knockout rounds.

With teams unable to compete financially, they cannot stop their most promising players from leaving at an early age. Ajax and Feyenoord consistently see their youth products snapped up by teams across Europe, while other talents move on after just a couple of seasons in the first-team. The issue has plagued them for years and is a huge one for De Boer.

"I think the problem is that a lot of young players are leaving Holland at a young age to go to different leagues,” he said.

"Then you have the big leagues, who [in addition to signing the top players] are signing all the decent players too. Before we could attract decent players as well, towards places like Amsterdam. "These players are not coming anymore. So now we are stuck with players [in the Eredivisie] who, in my eyes, are not good enough.” The perpetual downgrading of their squads puts the Eredivisie teams in a dangerous spiral. As the league itself declines, teams find themselves unable to rise to the challenge against more tactically adept European opponents.

As De Boer put it, the gulf in quality between playing against Dutch sides and the European powerhouses is like going from playing against your mother to facing a legendary defender. "If you want to develop yourself, you have to play against the best, or at least those good enough that you think ‘Oh, I still have to reach this kind of level'. "I think they are not tested. I always make the example: If I play against my mother, I win easily. So, I am not tested and I think that is good enough. But suddenly, I then play against Marcel Desailly and it is a different ball game. If I lose, I then think that next time I need to step up. "But the players don't know when to step up as they are never tested. Then suddenly they are tested in Europe, but we only have Vitesse playing in the Europa League and Feyenoord because they are champions and automatically qualified for the Champions League. They lost 4-0 to Manchester City, they were destroyed. Then they lost easy to Napoli, 3-1. "We are so far away now because we are not tested. We have to change, how we do it is difficult, though. We have an interesting league, it is nice, it is entertaining, but it is not good."

If player development continues to suffer, Eredivisie teams will find it even harder to hold onto their best players.

If they cannot prepare their most promising players to play in different systems and adapt to a change in speed, there will be less reason for them to stay if the education at home is not good enough. But the risk of drifting into football obscurity if a move to England, Germany, Italy or Spain does not go well means young Dutch players are always at risk.

"If you look at Belgium. All the boys – Jan Vertonghen, Toby Aldeweireld, Eden Hazard, Marouane Fellaini - all those players left Belgium early and look at their generation now. "I think now because you are not tested in Holland, you will be tested with the good players at a better level at Chelsea, Arsenal or Man Utd wherever and you get to a better level. "But it is a gamble because football now is a business. If you are not performing as a young boy, they will just buy someone who will fit in straight away. So, it’s not easy to take your chance. In Holland, at least you have your chance.”

Players need the right coaches to push them on and develop them tactically, too and, unfortunately, Netherlands can hardly offer many forward-thinking trainers.

Eredivisie teams generally line up in a 4-3-3 and play a similar way. There is no longer a strong drive for new and exciting tactical ideas as they try to protect the same facets of Dutch football that the national team sticks by. Foreign coaches are a rarity in the Eredivisie too as the nation has become a too inward-looking and sceptical to adopting another playing style. As the presence of Dutch football’s influence is currently spread out across Germany, England and Spain as opposed to its own country, they may have to change that idea. With the latest failure of the national team, the KNVB may look beyond the Dutch borders for the next figure to lead the national team.

The current philosophy in the country is just too rudimentary for the rest of the world, who have moved on technically and tactically from the Dutch. The concerns over the players they are producing, their identity, issues with the league, coaching and general bad management from the KNVB, the Dutch are looking inept in all aspects that saw them rise to the top of world football and stay there for decades. Falling to a new depth with their latest World Cup catastrophe, it has become clear they have strayed far from the Total Football philosophy that made them great in the first place. As a delicate period nears, the KNVB must look for a way to get the entire national game back on track. It may not be another revolution the Dutch need, but instead just a re-revolution.

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Parental Guidance: Madagascar

I, for one, don’t quite understand the Madagascar media empire. I’m yet to watch the sequels, and I suppose a better reviewer would have researched a bit more about the films and games and spin-offs that sprang from this original movie, but I’m intentionally keeping myself in the dark so I can avoid an outside influence in my uncovering of these films. Which means I’m going to have to watch the other two. Which is something I just realised and I’m not particularly excited for. And now that I’ve cast a pall over the review by making such comments in the opening paragraph, let’s move on so I can give a more detailed description of all the reasons why this movie is just okay. 

Madagascar is the tale of Marty the zebra (Chris Rock), at least for the first third of the film, who is getting restless after a lifetime of being stuck in Central Park Zoo. He yearns to go to the ‘wild’, a dream spurned on by the bright mural of rolling grassy plains and dense forest wilderness that covers the wall opposite his enclosure. His friends, Alex the lion (Ben Stiller), Melman the hypochondriac giraffe (David Schwimmer), and Gloria the sassy hippo (Jada Pinkett Smith) are all far more adjusted to their life of luxury and the routine of the their day-to-day lives and fail to give much creedence to Marty’s complaints, until the day he goes missing. Assisted by a quartet of the best characters in the film - penguins intent on making their way to Antarctica (Tim McGrath, Chris Miller, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Christopher Knights) - the animals escape the zoo, wander the streets of Manhattan, are rounded up by animal control, and, their escape being seen by the public as a sign of their loathing of captivity, are shipped across the sea to Africa. During the long boat journey, the penguins take command of the ship...somehow...and in the ensuing chaos the four friends fall overboard and are beached on the coast of Madagascar. As the others adjust to life on the island, Alex, unused to hunting, begins to find himself hungry, and starts to see Marty as less of a friend and more of a meal.

At this point we’re about 45 minutes into the film and the first hints of a narrative arc are beginning to show their face, and I found myself engaged for the first time by the glimmer of hope that Alex’s transformation exhibited. But sadly, this glimmer amounted to little more than that, because at this point the movie is too far down a hole of narrative unfocus, and here we encounter my main problem. Y’see, there’s not a single coherent overarching story in Madagascar. It has fragments of a story, sure -  Marty’s story is that of a zebra in captivity that yearns for the wild, and finds it to be exactly as good as he hoped; Alex’s story is that of a lion happy to be caged, who is dragged along into an unfamiliar environment and confronted by his innate desire to hunt his friend; Gloria and Melanie’s stories are...that they get to come along, I guess? The penguins also have a separate story in which they wish to travel to Antarctica. They get there, and in 5 seconds decide that it sucks, and leave in order to appear again at the end and set up a sequel. The closest of these that comes to an actual character arc is Alex’s, but let’s take a look at the way a three-act narrative arc should pan out, and discuss why Madagascar manages to bungle it by lacking focus and a consistency:

ACT 1 - The set up. The characters are introduced and a premise is established.

In this case, it’s that Marty wants to go to the wild, and his friends get dragged along. It seems that Marty is the main character, because the plot developments are all driven by him; he’s the only character with any desire for change, and he's the only person that takes action; all the other characters are padding and are simply dragged along by the plot.

ACT 2 - Confrontation. The characters are faced with a struggle that they must overcome.

At this point, Marty’s goals have been achieved without struggle, so the focus shifts to Alex, who can’t eat what the others can and begins to starve, leading to him reverting to his predatory ways and becoming a threat to those around him. It now seems that Alex is the main character because the plot developments are driven by him, but this feels incongruent given that he never wanted to leave the zoo in the first place, so there’s no lesson to be learned by the character undergoing the struggle, and no struggle undergone by the character that catalysed the plot of the film.

ACT 3 - The resolution. The characters overcome their struggle and (usually) become better because of it.

Alex isolates himself while repeatedly wondering aloud what is happening to him. It’s clear that he’s starving for meat, but for some reason none of the characters address this or try to solve the problem - they simply treat him as if he were crazy. Marty comes to find him in his isolation and is attacked by some carnivorous Foosa. Alex fights them off, and then, despite the fact that his wildness has only been temporarily suppressed, they’re all friends again. After the emotional climax of the film has passed, the penguins feed Alex sushi and everyone is happy once more, except for me as this final development is clumsily shoe-horned in at the end as if it wasn’t the resolution of the story driving the entire second act of the film (as well as being inconsistent with the internal logic that establishes that Alex is bad for wanting to eat other animals, but for some reason fish and beef don’t count).

So what are we watching here? If it’s a story about four friends going on a great adventure to the wild, then why is the adventure over half an hour into the 90 minute movie? If it’s a story about four friends being pushed out of their comfort zone and enduring the hurdles of a strange and unfamiliar place, then why is it that only one of the friends involved has trouble adapting? If it’s a story about four friends, then why are Gloria and Melanoma little more than filler characters? If it’s a story about two friends, then why do Gloria and Mailman exist at all? If it’s a story about friendship overcoming adversity, then why is it that Marty and Alex’s friendship is never tested, merely questioned briefly? Madagascar doesn’t know what it wants to say and therefore doesn’t say anything with conviction. The clever moments (and some of the moments are clever) are undermined by the greater inconsistency. This doesn’t make the film bad, just forgettable.

But of course, after all that, I know this is a kid’s film, and it’s likely that you child won’t notice or give a shit about anything that I’ve said, so now that I’ve written about a thousand words regarding the things I dislike, let me try to redeem this review by mentioning that the film is rather harmless otherwise. There are some rough sides to the CGI visible in the low resolution and some of the animation, but everything is pleasantly stylised in a way that transcends any technical limitations and it achieves a rather timeless look. The performances of the leads are competent and Chris Rock is a surprise standout, who, given his capacity for shrillness, avoids much of the obnoxiousness that plagued Shrek’s Donkey. He lends Marty a great deal of emotional range and heart, and is a good foil for Stiller who gives a solid, if forgettable, performance (as recognisable as he is on screen, his voice could belong to almost anyone). Pinkett Smith is strong and sassy as her stereotype demands, and Schwimmer is utterly insufferable, as his stereotype demands, but I was happy to see him getting work (right up until I wanted his character to fuck off). Baron Cohen is also memorable as the lemur king, but I never want to hear the words ‘I like to move it move it’ again, and Cedric the Entertainer is wonderful and dry as his offsider. The best voice performance however, hands down, comes from Tom McGrath as Skipper, the leader of the penguins. Although they’re merely a distraction in terms of the overall story, the penguins are actually one of the most reliably entertaining parts of the film, and it’s easy to see why they became so popular as characters and managed to get their own spin-off film. I’m looking forward to watching that more than I am the Madagascar sequels, to be honest.

All in all, Madagascar is not as good a film as the success of its franchise suggests. It made over half a billion dollars at the box office for some reason, although it’s clearly aimed at a younger audience and relies on a lot of slapstick and bad jokes for laughs so perhaps it was a hit with babies. There are few reasons to preference it over many of the other CGI films of the time, and the inclusion of Mulled Wine the whingey bitch, and that god damn ‘I like to move it’ song make it more annoying than it has the right to be. The sequels are reportedly better, so I’ll get back to you about them some time in the near future. Until then, I’d recommend looking elsewhere for the time being.

Laughs: 6

Occasional laugh-out-loud moments are overrun by rather lame and simple humour. 

Visuals: 7

Another alumni of the CGI-boom era of kid’s films that suffers from the infancy of its technology. Thankfully, its stylised enough that it still holds its charm, but there’s something weird about the low resolution of the images, and the animations. 

Performances: 7

The performances are fine for the most part, but nothing particularly remarkable. Ben Stiller makes a pretty ineffectual lead to be honest. Chris Rock and Tom McGrath are great.

Plot: 5

It doesn’t really seem to know where it’s going for the most part, and kind of wanders around between plot points. The second act is the only part of the film that seems to have any kind of recognisable intention. 

Obnoxiousness: 7

If I hear the words ‘I like to move it move it’ one more time, I’m going to kill someone. Also David Schwimmer’s hypochondriac giraffe needs to be put down. 

Timelessness: 6

The visuals aren’t too bad, and the performances are still peppy enough to keep everyone entertained. The film is predominately let down by the lack of an interesting narrative. 

Hardcore Rating: 2

That’s a light 2 as well. There’s next to nothing scary about this film - everything is cartoony, right down to the drama. Even at its darkest, it’s Lion King Lite. 

Overall: 6/10

I kind of want to give this a 7 because it’s a competent film for the most part, but it’s just not that interesting, frankly. It’s a small cast, so it stings when a few of the characters are gratingly annoying, and it doesn’t do enough with its bare threads of a plot to make it anything special. Its most notable because of the franchise it kicked off, but I personally don’t see why so much came from this film.

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