#how to accomplish it. terrifying combination!

[brother-emperors]

I'm so sorry if you get tired of answering asks about Pompey and Crassus BUT your response to the anon asking if Crassus let Pompey get away with things really got me thinking! Specifically about the way that Plutarch (I think?) says that Crassus didn't hold ill-will against Pompey for "stealing" his triumph. And how it feels like Crassus just kind of decided to shrug it off and instead asked Pompey for help for the consulship elections. Crassus seems so ruthless and direct while on the field, and I have so many questions about how he and Pompey worked together in Spoletium which will never be answered 😭 But then when it comes to politics I really can't see the pattern!

oh, I love talking about Crassus (and Pompey too, by extension), literally I can't stop. you can ask several people. I'll be talking about one thing, and all of a sudden: Crassus has entered the conversation. it's terrible, I can't stop. mostly, it takes me a thousand years to articulate my thoughts in any kind of way that makes sense.

I actually think that there are two times that Crassus subtextually calls Pompey a bitch, and the triumph incident is one of them!

specifically in that Crassus's comment about it:

Crassus, for all his self-approval, did not venture to ask for the major triumph, and it was thought ignoble and mean in him to celebrate even the minor triumph on foot, called the ovation, for a servile war.

Crassus is also not the first person to hold this sentiment.

Crassus' Ovation in 71 B.C., B.A. Marshall

I think it's important to remember that for Rome as a whole, the Third Servile War was terrifying because of the scale of the threat it posed to how an imperial wheelhouse running on a slave economy functions, but also because it's really fucking embarrassing for Rome's identity.

Crassus is also not the first person who commands the leading role against Spartacus. Spartacus goes through two other commanders before Rome asks Crassus to enter the scene. Crassus specifically is a private citizen when he is asked to step into this role: up until now, Rome's own praetors and consuls have failed to rise to the occasion.

Crassus' Ovation in 71 B.C., B.A. Marshall

Marcus Crassus and the Late Roman Republic, Allen Mason Ward

this is a deeply humiliating moment for the Roman reputation and identity. Pompey taking credit for Crassus' victory is an expected power grab, but it's also kind of cringe that he did it. Crassus was doing Roman's Duty To The State (or, if you like a spicier take on it, may have pulled strings for it. after all, you can't consider a man rich unless he can fund his own army. and the army Crassus brought with him for this was is own)

and so taking credit for that is like. man. this was NOT a "glorious war" that was fought. (Lucullus cites this as a blemish on Pompey's character during his vulture speech, it's very fun!)

so while Crassus may have realized that writing back to Rome and requesting back up was a mistake because whoever showed up would have the world's easiest time taking credit and accepted that it would happen, I do think that he took alternative measures to even the playing field in a 'okay sure, have your triumph, but don't think you're going to have it all,' kind of way because he also does this

Marcus Crassus and the Late Roman Republic, Allen Mason Ward

Pliny, Natural History 15.125

Gell. NA 5.6.23

Cic. Pis. 58

which does not strike me as the behavior of someone who is letting Pompey just run away with it without any kind of pushback.

and now to throw out literally everything I just said about the Triumph Incident, B.A. Marshall (whose article I've cited several times already in this) has an incredibly compelling case to make that there wasn't really as much conflict between the two over this as ancient narratives might indicate (which. seems to be a recurring theme with them)

Crassus' Ovation in 71 B.C., B.A. Marshall

I will stick to my narrative speculation that some of their respective peers probably thought it was at least embarrassing behavior on Pompey's part, because Lucullus has a lot of vitriol to direct at Pompey, and he does cite this incident as something negative to Pompey's overall character) someone who steals credit and glory from other people). so. hm. I think the assumed personal and periodically biting rivalry (in addition to the usual political rivalry) between the two is extremely fun, but so is. this. thoughts! much to think about.

#.....i think i got a little off topic here. i actually have a writing doc up bc i wrote a whole draft for a reply #bc with patterns in their politics is like. ohhhhhh my god do i have thoughts about how they keep working together. #even when they're fighting they're working together it makes me unwell #people will speculate that pompey and crassus may have worked together to avoid another civil war during their lifetime #and i was like. well that's kind of generous. but its like. well. WELL!!!!! #unfortunately a lot of the political undermining and scheming and fuckery fully broke the republic beyond repair like RIP. so sorry for #you all. i cant even fully blame it on them. after all. they are considered sullan proteges. the ghost of sulla strikes again! #anyway i think politically he has a different kind of ruthlessness: iron clad conviction and the brains to know #how to accomplish it. terrifying combination! #like when people were in my tags going 'good for him!' about punching a fellow senator #like babes. he was not the good guy in that moment. what they were trying to pass was very much Not Good For The Republic #like he was absolutely eroding the fail safes on the roman republic political system On Purpose #ask tag #long post

[queenofcoquette]

overcoming self doubt

introduction:

self doubt is something we all deal with. it's normal to have it, but when it gets to be a debilitating thing in your life, it's something that you need to work on. self efficacy is the opposite of self doubt- the belief that you CAN accomplish something. the term comes from albert bandura, a psychologist, and he stated that without self efficacy then you can't achieve what you set out to do.

bandura had a lot of beliefs that he believed could improve a person's self efficacy- a lot of it comes from observing other people's success and having positive role models. so i've combined some of those tips with things that've helped my friends and i :)

overcoming:

change your mindset about failures. failure is unavoidable, so it's important to learn to grow from it instead of breaking down. look at what you can do better next time- mistakes and failures aren't a bad thing if you learn from them.

positive affirmations. positive self talk is proven psychologically to make you feel better about yourself. visualizing yourself doing good is also something that helps. just improving your view of yourself and working on fixing your negative thoughts.

learn from others. when you want to improve at something it's great to observe others who are succesful. for example, when i first started swimming competitively i would watch people swim during meets and observe their technique.

pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. truly the only way to overcome your fears is by facing them slowly. i used to be terrified of water, especially deep water- couldnt swim or tread. now i play varsity water polo and have no problem in 13+ ft of water. the only thing that got me over it was being uncomfortable sometimes. ofc know your limits, but slowly work up to overcoming fears.

building self efficacy:

set goals you can measure and goals that're attainable. it's good to dream big but when it comes to goals set things that you won't have to overwork yourself to achieve. things that

break your tasks up into smaller tasks. biting off more than you can chew can just lead to burnout after a while.

being proud of your achievements. always be proud of your improvement, even if it seems small compared to others. remember- other people's journeys aren't pertinent to YOU. you need to measure your own success, not comparing yourself to what/how others are doing.

having good role models. having role models who've worked to achieve what we want can actually improve how well we think we can do at something. if you see someone did something you want to do, then it makes you realize that it IS possible.

conclusion:

it can take a long time to overcome self doubt and begin to feel confident in yourself. what's helped me a lot is just learning from other people and then being grateful when i make progress. i hope these tips help :)

#that girl 2024 #self improvement #self confidence #glow up #that girl #queenofcoquette #pink pilates princess #it girl #healthy habits #self care

[autistichalsin]

Some of my favorite, understated moments with heartbreaking implications for Halsin

1. Halsin threatening to turn into a mouse in the epilogue if the player brags about his achievements- he's so shy and humble that just being acknowledged for LITERALLY BUILDING A COMMUNE HIMSELF makes him want to hide. A mouse is a very symbolic choice here: not only easy to hide, but also easily overlooked and forgotten. The idea of his accomplishments being acknowledged is so terrifying for him that he wants to turn into an animal no one will notice, instead of his usual strong, large, noticeable bear.

2. "Sometimes, I think people look at me and imagine my feelings can't be hurt." This isn't the kind of thing that happens after one or two people act like jerks. This is years and years of cruel treatment, of his emotions being demeaned and mocked because of his size. Of people judging him before even meeting him- and forming an entirely wrong view of him. Halsin is a bighearted, tender, sentimental man, yet because he's big... Well, big people don't have feelings, surely. /s

3. "You and I may struggle to go unnoticed in such environs, Karlach[...] Folk of our stature can be a lure for drunkards seeking a brawl, I have found," combined with, "There is a particular discomfort to besting one you know to be weaker than yourself - even when needs must," from a different scene. People have sought him out and fought him because of his size (which had to have been terrifying, especially the first time), and he feels guilty when he takes out someone he knows is weaker, even if they STARTED it. How many times has the poor guy been traveling and then had to defend himself against someone 1/2 his size, making HIM look like the asshole to onlookers, and reinforcing that whole "people think I can't be hurt" thing?

4. "It was always destined to be so, if we prevailed. But the foreknowledge makes it no less bittersweet..." (About the players' paths diverging post brain battle), combined with "I see... After all my years of living, I know all too well that nothing lasts forever. Yet a parting can sting, nonetheless," if the player breaks up with him in the ending. This poor guy was having the time of his life adventuring with the group (and possibly falling in love there) yet never believed it would truly last (because of his abandonment issues). And then to have it confirmed.... he must have felt so awful in that moment, even if he was being dignified about it.

5. "You came for me... thank you. I feared Orin's accursed smile would be the very last sight I beheld," when Halsin is freed from Orin, combined with, "Orin's blades. I hoped my friends would save me..." If he is killed by Orin instead and Speak With the Dead is used on his corpse. The tone of his voice in the first line, especially added to that bit in the second... he never thought the player was coming to save him. He HOPED they would. Not "believed". Hoped. He thought he was going to die there- just like how he was in the Underdark for THREE YEARS and no one came to save him. And if it's confirmed... Yeah. That. (Sidenote: if you ask his corpse if he has any regrets, he says not telling Thaniel and Oliver goodbye, and not getting to see their land flourish. :( My heart. :( )

6. "I... have not had true confidantes for some time. The Shadow Curse robbed me of almost all my peers, and replaced them with the weight of responsibility. Perhaps that caused me to gild undeserving memories of my youth." Halsin was so miserable and stressed being Archdruid that he romanticized his past as a sex slave, viewing it as a safer, even happier alternative. There were actually times when Halsin thought he might rather be a sex slave than continue to be Archdruid. In a sense, for the 100 years the Shadow Curse was around, Halsin was just as much a prisoner as Thaniel was in the Shadowfell, but Halsin's prison had invisible bars. The Shadow Curse took away his entire support system, and being Archdruid forced him to be the strong one, always, never allowed to be weak or scared, forced him to take control of situations when he hated it, forced him to spend his time sorting out people instead of being in nature. And he was MISERABLE. For 100 years.

7. "You understand me almost perfectly. Only my late mother may have bested you." (Said if you get one question wrong at the love dryad test). He misses his mama. :( Especially when you consider that if you steal Balthazar's "Mother Dearest" and taunt him about it, Halsin disapproves (and is the only one to do so), while returning her gets you approval (which only Halsin approves of). And then the line when you look into a mirror while controlling him, "more like my father, with each passing day..." He really misses them. :(

8. "I am loathe to see anyone behind bars. It reminds me of my time as a guest of the goblins." He is, secretly, still quite traumatized from his time in the goblin pens, but he brushes it off. Just like every OTHER time he is hurt.

9. "I am aware [of having a habit of getting captured]. Perhaps I put too much faith in my skills of negotiation, or want to see good where there is none. It would be easy to resort to nature's fury whenever something stood in my way, yet I cannot help but feel I would be sullying the Oak Father's gifts. Naive perhaps... but I still draw breath." Halsin is aware he gets hurt often because of his desire to see good in people until he has no other choice, but refuses to give up anyway (which is backed up by that letter Gut had on her where she reveals Halsin TRIED to help the goblins, saying he could cure them of their tadpoles, only to be thrown in the cage, with Gut threatening to have his stomach cut open and maggots placed inside it.) Further, even though he is an Archdruid, and one of the most devoted, and explicitly has Silvanus's favor (Halsin says that gaining his favor was the only way he was able to open the portal to the Shadowfell), he still constantly worries about using Silvanus's powers, to the point of wondering if an actual threat to his safety actually merits using his powers. Which... combined with some other stuff, reads like one hell of a problem with self-worth.

10. "At least you were not present. Grim as [the ruined battlefield] is now, it was worse on the day of the battle. A vivid wound upon my memory[...] I was lucky - I lived, when so many did not. It would take me a day and a night to recite the names of all the friends I lost" combined with, "I was [present when the Shadow Curse was unleashed]. Part of my spirit was shorn away from me here, and never left," and, if Last Light falls, "All gone... devoured by the shadows. Oak Father preserve us, it's just like a hundred years ago[...] We are [still standing]. Yet there is a burden to being the survivor... the witness to others' tragedies. It only grows heavier with time." He has so much PTSD and survivor guilt from the Shadow Curse. :( No wonder it's all he can think about- to the point that some of the other companions even get annoyed at him for his obsession.

11. "I never quite realised how burdened I was, until I met you. The threat of the shadow curse, the politics of the grove... I was forgetting who I was, but you lifted the fog. Thank you." Not only does this tie in with the above, with his PTSD from the curse and his utter misery at being Archdruid, but this HEAVILY implies Halsin had depression. Like... that "fog" line hits HARD if you have or have had depression, because that's exactly what it feels like. And the "forgetting who I was" bit too. Not just losing his sense of self to the depression, but to the neverending responsibilities of being Archdruid. I keep repeating myself, but damn, this guy has really and truly spent an entire century being absolutely MISERABLE. :(

12. "Forgive me. I... lost the run of myself. Sometimes, if blood runs hot enough, it's difficult to tame the beast." With that little disgusted groan/sigh, the fury and disgust at himself visible on his face, and the way he rushes to get out the rest of it- he thinks he fucked up so badly that you're about to leave him, maybe forever. And then if you reject him after this? "Ah... I see. Well, of course. Back to camp then." He has the most heartbroken look on his face here, and the way he says "of course" like he just... knew this was coming the instant he accidentally wildshaped. He felt that the first time he let ANY of his imperfections show, the player would leave him. :(

13. "Death is nature's final slumber - it awaits us all. Do not punish yourself over those lost, or give in to despair - not while there are still folk in need of your help." (Said to a Dark Urge if they tell him they're not much of a hero and most people needing them end up dead) Not only is Halsin speaking from experience here, but it's very clear he is STILL doing exactly what he tells Durge not to do, to himself- punishing himself over those who were lost, struggling with devastating survivor guilt.

14. "The grove has cut itself off from the world, to jealously guard its own little pocket of nature. No one shall ever enter or leave again. And I have been evicted from the very place I was charged to safeguard. A telling summary of my time as Archdruid, perhaps..." If the Grove is sealed and you ask him about it later, this is what he says. Interesting that he views being evicted from the place he was in charge of protecting to be a "telling summary." He was forced to take the leadership role there, and yet it was clear he wasn't wanted or respected by a great number of the Druids (exempting Nettie, Rath, and Apikusis). He got a truly thankless job that took damn near EVERYTHING from him emotionally/mentally, causing him to develop depression and causing him to backslide in his previous healing from his trauma from his time as a sex slave, he still gave EVERYTHING to the Grove, and in return...... almost none of his Druids appreciated or even liked him. (I could seriously write at least five metas about how obviously miserable Halsin was at the Grove, despite caring for it deeply).

15. "You could have done anything, gone with anyone... yet you chose me." Said at the epilogue to a solo romanced player who went to the commune with him. There's so many layers of heartbreak here. He is still surprised, six months later, that the player chose him. He even thinks the player will regret it, and will decide they want an adventurer's life after all after seeing everyone else. He doesn't think he is good enough- doesn't think he deserves the player, and yet at the same time he loves them so much that he is heartbroken over the possibility they might agree with him. He thinks that given a chance, there is little chance they would actually choose him again. (He is put at ease quickly when the player promises they picked him for a reason, but even the explanation he gives for why he was so worrie is heartbreaking- that he's so used to a tumultuous life that he thinks something must go wrong. He has been so traumatized so many times over the years that he just has almost no ability to think that true happiness is possible [or deserved] for him.) Something about that is just heartbreaking, even though his ending is one of the happiest of any of the companions.

Someone give this sweet bear man a hug, please :(

#halsin #halsin silverbough #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

[missglaskin]

Yandere Aegon's Conquest (platonic) headcanons

AKA Aegon, Visenya and Rhaenys as your yan!parents + Aenys and Maegor as your yan!Brothers

Characters: Aegon the conqueror, Visenya Targaryen, Rhaenys Targaryen, Maegor & Aenys Targaryen, Orys Baratheon

Note: Adopted and female!reader, toxic relationships, some interpreted romance/incest, Fire and Blood spoilers

You may have joined the Targaryen family through any of them. Brought to King's Landing as an offer, a hostage from Dorne. Whatever the reason was, you have now become the obsession of three dragon riders.

Naturally, there was some opposition at first. It's enough to keep a whole kingdom together; with lords either bending the knee willingly or by force, having the faith tolerate their marriages, and now they bring a child into the fold who didn't seem to bear much resemblance.

Yet despite widespread opposition, there was utter silence when it became evident what would happen if someone were to comment on your legitimacy. It's frightening to face Aegon's wrath, but he and his sisters combined; downright terrifying. 

They tended to differentiate when it came to ways of parenting. You would have likely been overindulged if it weren't for Visenya, who adopted a stricter role in place of Rhaenys and Aegon. On the other hand, it's Aegon who adopts the role of the meditator, keeping the peace whenever his wives come to disputes.

Orys is the only one Aegon truly trusts along with his sisters and despite Rhaenys and Visenya sharing Aegon's trust, they're not exactly thrilled about sharing you with anyone else. It’s noticed how quickly Orys steps into the role of an uncle, adding more fuel to the gossip (being Aegon’s brother). Like everyone else, he's just as protective and is more than willing to personally handle anyone who dares to cross you. But also similar to Aegon, beyond being protective, he's pretty laid-back. During your younger years, he'd times have you seated on his lap or playfully throw you up in the air.

As mentioned, Visenya is fiercely protective and sometimes may come off as a bit harsh, but her intentions are solely for your well-being. Her kingsguards are not only ordered to protect the king but are specifically trained to protect their little princess. She’s involved in your education, ensuring that you embrace your ‘Valyrian’ heritage. 

Each day she’ll have you rehearse your words, recount the history of your family house, and fulfill all your supposed duties. It’s Aegon and Rhaenys who urge Visenya to give you a break from time to time (not just because they want to spend time with you). Visenya also insists on training you despite her brother and sister’s wishes. Rhaenys thinks your gentle hands shouldn’t touch a blade with Aegon claiming you’re protected enough.

While they might disagree on many things, both Aegon and Rhaenys agree with Visenya's idea of giving you your own dragon egg. Given as a gift on your nameday. And even if the dragon hatches and you may never ride it, they are sure to let it recognize you as their owner; to let it be yours and yours only. Besides it’s further proof to the rest of the kingdom that you’re indeed one of them.

Like Visenya, Rhaenys is very much involved in your life and rarely lets you out of her sighs. She’s much smothering and the most affectionate out of her siblings, known to watch you with great fondness and expect to be praised for even the smallest accomplishments.

Rhaenys takes charge of your wardrobe, dressing you in the colors of House Targaryen and embellishing you with all sorts of jewelry. The many songs she has ensured to be dedicated, praising your elegance and beauty that they are believed to have passed down generations.

That’s not to say Aegon isn’t involved, he is but tends to be overshadowed by his sisters; finding himself stuck in the middle of their disagreements. Despite this, he makes his stance known and will use all types of excuses to steal you away. Aegon goes as far as making you his cupbearer, though while the council members are hesitant to take you away from the king's side. Only Orys dares to have you come and fill his cup.

They often find themselves in childish arguments on who you should ride with. Aegon occasionally claims victory, it helps Baelrion is the largest. In fact, whenever any of the siblings go for a flight, they are likely to bring you along. During their shared flights, they would showcase all sorts of tricks like getting close to the water or letting their dragons spit fire in the open air just to witness the excited look on your face.

Aegon spoils you (rotten) and is ready to fulfill almost all your whims and desires. While he’ll gladly gift you with jewelry and gowns like Rhaenys, Aegon is more inclined to make grand gestures like contracting statues and naming things in your honor. If you were to ask, he'd happily construct a bathhouse, a vast garden, you just need to ask.

Aegon is surprisingly someone you find it easy to turn to whenever you get in trouble, along with Uncle Orys. He's perfectly fine with you doing your own thing, playing away while he watches from a distance.

Despite their occasional arguments, at the end of the day, they are united through their care for you. You mean everything to them, and though each may express it differently, they all just want to see you happy and safe.

Adding Maegor and Aenys into the mix just makes everything more chaotic. While it's not much of a hidden secret that Rhaenys and Visenya favor you, they attempt to keep it subtle. Aegon isn't very adept at hiding it, and there have been discussions where he expresses the desire for you to be his heir instead. However, by the Westerosi tradition, Aenys is the expected heir.

Aenys and Maegor are particularly attached to you, even when their parents clearly seem to favor you. Being a bit older than Aenys, Rhaenys actively encouraged the bond between you two. She always insisted your small self to hold him and it became well-known among the castle servants that baby Aenys would cry until you came at his side. 

The death of Rhaenys threw everything into chaos. Visenya and Aegon, if possible, became even more protective, god forbid if Dorne were to make an attempt (or try to bring you back). You became the outlet for their grief, with Aegon demanding your presence more than ever. Aenys clung to you for comfort, a child who doesn’t seem to fully understand where his mother went. 

A year or two passed before Maegor was born, and he was already different from the start. Aenys, always smaller than the other kids, remained easily carried by your child self even as he grew. You'd lift him up on your back as he squealed with delight, but Visenya would scold you; your back could get hurt and Aenys is heir, he must be expected to behave like one.

Maegor, on the other hand, was bigger than most kids, with round and full cheeks that you couldn't resist poking and pulling. Similar to Aenys, he constantly demanded your attention, but unlike Aenys who cried, Maegor caused tantrums, pushing other kids you interacted with and throwing things until he got the attention he sought.

A rivalry started between the brothers, and more often than not, you found yourself in the middle of it, but it was mostly one-sided with Maegor often starting the conflicts. Moreover, Aegon directed most of his attention toward Aenys with kingdom duties and all, leaving you mostly with Maegor and Visenya.

Unlike Rhaenys, who didn't have the time to mold her son, Visenya did. She made sure that her son knows that it’s his duty to protect and care for you, deeming Aenys as weak in her eyes. Maegor learned to value you above all else. Sparring was no longer necessary, as according to Maegor he’ll be the one to protect you from now. In one incident, Maegor attacked a noble boy who had jokingly insulted you. Aegon and Visenya never punished him, with the excuse that Aegon didn't want to cause a scene.

Aenys, much like his mother, is naturally affectionate. Openly embracing you in front of the entire court or hold your hand as you walk together. Such displays of affectionate were a never-ending lecture from Visenya and Aegon and all it did was fuel Maegor’s jealousy. 

As all three of you came of age, there was a flood of suitors vying for your hand in marriage. Aegon would use any excuse to deter them, but deep down, he secretly wished to wed you to Aenys but he knows Visenya might insist on Maegor instead, further fueling the rivalry between the brothers. The reactions of your brothers toward your suitors only intensifies, with Maegor eagerly challenging anyone who seeks your hand and Aenys wearing a mask of happiness for you while secretly desiring to have you all to himself.

It becomes even messier if the brothers are wed to other women. Alyssa and Ceryse, in particular, feel the pressure to be on your good side, knowing that a gesture from you could sway their husbands in your favor. Despite being married to them, the wives can't shake the feeling of being the "other women". The awkwardness is heightened by Aenys, who insists on you being close to his children, going so far as to let you be one of the first to hold baby Rhaena. 

The family was struck with a moment of grief upon Aegon's death, leaving Visenya as the sole parent. With Aegon, and even Orys, no longer present, Visenya had the freedom to enforce her regulations and expectations without interruption. Maegor, being a wild card, proved difficult to control. Despite Aenys' perceived weakness, he stepped into Aegon's place, not directly opposing Visenya and Maegor but making it clear that you were a line not to be crossed. Your place is to be with him and his family, by his side in council. 

Aegon's death set off a chain reaction, fueling the underlying war within the family that had already been brewing.

#asoiaf x reader #yandere hotd #yandere house of the dragon #hotd x reader #house of the dragon x reader #yandere asoiaf #yandere x reader #platonic yandere #aegon i targaryen x reader #rhaenys targaryen x reader #visenya targaryen x reader #aenys targaryen x reader #maegor targaryen x reader #yandere #game of thrones x reader #yandere game of thrones #yandere family

[spearmintsmut]

My own Mudblood CH6

This is my favourite part so far. A little hurt/comfort fluff and also smuttt ~ hope you love it

Every page you read was more intense than the last. You had figured witchcraft was not all potions and charms, but as you read the pages of the heavy book that Draco had lent you, you realised just how serious it could all be. Again your mind replayed the shake in his voice the day before as he stressed the unimportance of the spells you were practising - how they were no use, in the position he would have been in the year before you guessed. Behind his domineering and sarcastic tone you knew there was a scar likely made long before the war. Long before the dark lord recruited him. You didn’t have to read much on the Malfoys to know what kind of person, what kind of father Lucius would have been. No one seemed to want to bring his name up in the house, even the portraits on his library's wall were tight lipped about it even being his room when you had snuck in there. Narcissa seemed kind for a woman of her wealth and notoriety, and seemed to adore her son. When she wasn’t bragging about his accomplishments or looks, she was treating him as though he was the heir to a royal - which, you thought, he just about was in this world. He was her prize possession, her darling son. He can’t have become so damaged, so quick to to anger or righteous from his Mother’s love alone. You knew his father, and his place in Voldemort’s army must have left wounds you likely would never know completely. But you didn’t just want to know his wounds - you wanted to lick them clean. What Lucious must have put him through may be somewhat of a mystery to you, but the ache you felt in the way you never measured up to your fathers’ expectations, of never being what they wanted of you, you felt you shared with him. Though you hadn’t spilled even a single word to each other about it, you knew in that way, you were family.

As you read on, your eyes fell toward a spell you thought could be useful.

Stupefy - This spell will stun the target, and though this will not cause irreversible damage, it will temporarily render the target incapacitated.

You started to feel hopeful that in the large book of frankly terrifying spells, there were some you felt you were more comfortable in trying, and that Draco would hopefully not look down at you for bothering with. This was far beyond what you had expected your first week living with your father to be like. It was a worrying prospect that your first chance in practising this spell would be against Voldemort’s youngest hand days after learning your first spell, but you were determined not to let your anxiety ruin your first chance at a duel. You studied the chapter on the spell intently, taking mental notes and reading aloud to yourself.

You took note of a handful more spells after calculating their effectiveness and how much they would injure Draco. You had no doubt that he would have the ability to heal himself of most wounds inflicted by a beginner witch, but you didn’t want to overstep and cause the type of damage that Narcissa would curse you for causing her beloved heir. Besides, his seemingly untouched face, though forever donning a wrinkle between his furrowed brow, was far too angular and pretty to want to scar. You recalled wanting to hurt him the first days in the Manor, and he still managed to bring that anger out in you, but it would be a shame to ever have to carry out.

You had gotten into one fight in your life. Nothing compared to the fights that your stepbrother had fought, but you still remembered the crack of your fist to the face of a boy in your grade. The combined horror of what you had done and the pride you had felt in finally finding your backbone wasn’t lost to you all these years later. You hadn’t felt that anger bubble up at anyone but your father until you moved to the Manor. His continued ignorance to anything you did or felt under the same roof as your arrogant step-brother felt all too much. That was until he had spoken for you that night at dinner. Suddenly one of your battles fought the other. He hadn’t given you the time to think on it before his soothing touch became a teasing one, but now that you were alone, a strange feeling rose in your chest at the memory. Did he care about you, or was it a chance for him to exercise his dominance over an intruder in his home? It wasn’t something you could exactly ask him. He would either laugh in your face or ignore you all together - but overthinking it, mulling it over mentally until you sent yourself mad was not out of the question. He had such a way of stoking one fire and snuffing out another. He burned a flame in your stomach, and poured ice cold relief over the one in your mind. Whether it was for you or for his own sense of accomplishment and superiority you weren’t sure. You decided you’d take it either way. Without your friends or school to distract you anymore, the hollow pit in your chest would only grow if you didn’t take advantage of the comfort and company he provided, even if it wasn’t his intention.

-

A couple hours had crept by reading into spells and charms when you were interrupted by murmuring and giggles in the hall outside your room. You turned to see your Father and Narcissa embracing and you cringed at their closeness.

“Your father and I are visiting Italy for the weekend, love,” She said with a smile stretched across her face.

“But, you didn’t - what am I supposed to -” you started but she cut you off before you could argue.

“Don’t worry dear, Draco will take good care of you and the house elf will keep you fed.” Your face reddened and you felt left out once again. Of course Draco already knew before you were told anything. “Draco will take good care of you” you snickered mentally. He did that just fine last night. You had all but collapsed on him after he had done just that. You felt a flutter in your lower stomach at the memory.

They held a trunk each, dressed like they were going to meet the royal family. You figured it had something to do with their wedding planning, which you had intentionally avoided thinking about. You looked at your father, who was already staring back with a raised brow.

“You behave yourself, and be nice to Draco. Remember this is his house, you are just lucky enough to share it,” He warned and you scoffed in response. Share it? You were dragged here, you thought.

You said your brief and rudely last minute goodbyes and they left through floo in a whoosh.

You bit down the all too familiar feeling of emptiness and longing, your father leaving without an “I love you” for the umpteenth time. With eyes welling against your will, you made your way to the room beside yours, book and wand in hand. You knocked quietly, hoping he was up to the duel he had told you about. At least an extremely unqualified try and spells behind your expertise may distract from the hole in your heart your father has pried open once again. Wiping your eyes and taking a deep breath, you buried the feeling deep down as you had done time and time over.

You heard a groan and some rustling in the room before he opened it. You almost dropped your belongings as the tall boy before you stood only in boxers, hanging loosely below his hip bones. You couldn’t help your gaze trace down from his face to his chiselled chest and abdomen. The scars that peppered his skin added a layer of ruggedness to him that you still hadn’t gotten used to. As you looked up to finally meet his gaze, he smirked at you. Though you had shared more intimate moments with him in the last week than you had with anyone ever before, you still felt shy around him and cursed yourself for being caught staring.

“Are you quite done ogling?” He teased.

“I wasn’t ogling, you prat! I was just..” you trailed off, not convincing anyone, even yourself.

He huffed out a quiet laugh, looking down at you. He noticed the book and wand in your hand and looked back to your face with a raised brow.

“Finished studying already?” He asked, taking the book from you. You knew there was far more to read of it but you were at least half sure you had read as much as you needed for today.

“Uh yeah. I think so.”

“You think so? Does “thinking so” protect you if you’re attacked hmm?” He pressed and you knew fighting it wouldn’t be worth the mood it would put him in.

“No Draco, I don’t. But this is my first dueling practice and you’re gonna go easy on me aren’t you?” You asked with a devilish innocent, but deep down you did hope he would.

“You need to learn to protect yourself. What did you study?”

“It’s a surprise. But no hexes or curses. I don’t want to hurt you,” you said genuinely. His laugh bellowed through the room and you felt yourself shrink to half your size.

“You couldn’t hurt me if you tried. You’re cute though,” he said as he turned to walk back into his room. You followed him in as he placed the book back with the rest. You looked around the room, taking it all in. His bed was large like yours, but with black silk covers, with deep green trim along the edges. The bed head was large and engraved with a snake, with snakes also wrapping around the posts at the foot of the bed. There were trophies lining a shelf on the wall and you walked up to inspect it. He had won them for something called Quidditch, and you wondered what it was. Whatever it was, you assumed he was good at that too, but saved yourself the speech and didn’t ask.

He had long velvet curtains over the Windows that overlooked the hedge maze and lavish gardens in the courtyard outside. Though you had the same view from your room, you had hidden away and wallowed for days and never took it all in, or bothered to explore outside the manor. The property was unnecessarily big, and it would have been worth taking a walk outside rather than sulk in your room, you decided. His room alone was immensely extravagant. He had a walk in closet the size of your room back home, lined with black suit after black suit after yet another. He had a library of books lining the book case against the wall, and what seemed to be potion vials and a cauldron on his otherwise neat desk.

“We’ll be duelling outside. You’ll need something warm,”

You had packed your own jumpers but you accepted his silent offer. He gave you the jumper thrown in his bed, and shrugged on another from the closet himself. You pulled it over your head and his expensive scent engulfed you. You hid the smile you felt, as the jumper fell almost to your knees. You’d never had a boyfriend to give you their jumpers like your friends had, and though this was far from a boyfriend situation, something in you felt you had finally experienced what you’d always watched other girls have.

The courtyard outside was massive, with large hedges around the perimeter, and a paved walkway to a comically large yard. Even the grass felt expensive as you followed Draco out to the middle. Every step you took sent your heart rate up higher. When Draco turned to face you, he sensed your nerves.

“Nervous Mudblood?” He teased, but his face was pulled into a worried frown. Though you could feel your heart drumming in your ears, you gave him a confident smile, shaking your head. He saw right through you and rustled your hair in his hand.

“You’ll be right. You won’t beat me, but you’ll be right.”

He lifted his wand to face hight before dropping it back down and taking several steps back. You had no idea what you were doing and that was becoming increasingly apparent, but you did the same. As he pointed his wand at you, you ignored the sweaty palms holding your wand and mirrored his actions.

He started to count down from three,

“Three.” You could feel your chest tighten around your thrumming heart.

“Two,” his words sounded so far away compared to your own heart beat loud in your ear.

“One,” you pushed all the symptoms of an impending anxiety attack away and tried to remember the spells you had studied.

He threw his first spell at you before you could even open your mouth. You weren’t sure if he even said it out loud. The wind was knocked out of your lungs and you were sent flying through the air, tumbling around before you landed on your back on the soft grass. You coughed and groaned, rubbing your back. As he stepped closer to make sure you were alright, you leaped back to your feet. You weren’t going to let him beat you, at least not without at least trying. You pointed your wand back at him, and said the first spell you could remember from the book.

“Obscuro!” You yelled, temporarily blinding him. Before he knew what had hit him, you yelled another with as much confidence as you could muster,

“Expelliarmus.” Light shot out of your wand toward him and he flew back, dropping his wand in the process. Nothing could have prepared you for the comfidence, the pride and long awaited reassurance that bubbled up in your chest. Nothing in your life had ever made you feel like you were living up to your potential, like you were on the right path. You almost felt bad for Draco, being disarmed so early on, by you of all people, but it didn’t outway the smug pride that you felt, knowing you were capable of it. He had already reversed the blind fold you had magically put on him and he had started to sit up when you got to him. You held your hand out to help him up, but he grabbed it and pulled you down to him.

“Didn’t know you had it in you,” he said surprised and you blushed without a word. “And here I thought you’d try to use those blasted levitation spells on me,” he teased and you couldn’t help but laugh. He pulled you you closer and you straddled him, holding yourself up with a hand either side of him. Looking down at his face, you noticed a small cut on his tall cheekbone. You winced at the thought that you had hurt him, even in a duel. He wiped his finger over it and wiped the small spot of blood on his crisp white shirt like it cost nothing.

“I’m so sorry, I promise I was trying to only use spells that wouldn’t hurt. I was just tryi-“

He cut you off by pecking your lips. You weren’t expecting the sudden contact but he gripped the back of your head, deepening the kiss. You melted into him like you had craved him for a lifetime. He pulled you closer until your body went from hovering over him, to softly grinding against him. You moaned against his lips as you felt him harden against his pants. Suddenly, you remembered how public this was happening, how large the courtyard was. You had felt hidden the times before, as he’d kissed you against the wall of your bedroom, even his hand under the table at dinner. But here, he was kissing you like he owned you in the open of his back yard. You pulled away and tried to open your mouth to stop but he pulled you back down to him, kissing you passionately again. His tongue slipped between your lips and licked softly at your own. His hands roamed over your back before they settled at your hips. He pressed his fingers into them hard enough to bruise, and you whimpered into his mouth. He flipped you over so you were trapped under his body before pressing his leg between your thighs, causing you to let out another moan at the pressure. Though you knew that no one but the house elf was home, as he started to unbutton your shorts, you tried to stop him. He stared down into you with lust filled eyes and kept going. He dragged them down your soft legs before unbuckling his belt. He continued to kiss you, more roughly this time, before peppering sloppy kisses along your jawline and down your neck. The wet kisses and cool air felt like heaven on your skin.

You heard him undo the zip on his pants and the sound of him shoving them down with his boxers. Before you could even look down, you felt his hard cock rub the length of you, wiping your own slick over him.

“You’re always so wet for me aren’t you? Can’t help yourself,” he said with a smirk. He tapped it against your clit and you whimpered at the pleasure that rippled through you from your sensitive bud.

You had never gone this far with anyone, and never in your life did you imagine your first time would be outside, far less with your step brother you had only just met a week ago. The excitement and blind lust you felt fought with the reality of the situation. If you stopped him, or if you didn’t, you were fucked either way. You looked up into his intense grey eyes that were darkening by the minute.

“Draco. This is so wrong .. we can’t.. I’ve never even…”

“Tell me to stop then. Say the word and I’ll stop,” he breathed in your ear. He kept his impossibly large cock in his hand, still rubbing it against your clit. You knew you should tell him to stop, but you couldn’t. You were too far gone and you knew he was too. Instead, you wrapped your hands around his back, pulling him closer and spreading your legs for him. He pushed in half way slowly, and you felt yourself stretch around him, sending a new kind of pleasure through you. Though the pain wasn’t unbearable, it was apparent and you bit down on your lip. You had used your fingers before but this was new. He noticed you wince and kissed your forehead.

“Shhh I’ll go easy on you, I know this is new for you,” he reassured with a voice softer than he had ever shown you before. He pulled out almost completely and pushed further into you the second time, bottoming out. He let out a pleasured groan against your neck and looked into your eyes. Yours almost rolled to the back of your head as you felt him push in and out. “Fuck Draco my god sso good” you moaned out.

“That’s right. You need me don’t you?” You nodded, unable to form a sentence if you tried. “You need me to teach you. You need me to own you.” His low gravelly voice sent shivers down your spine as he started to pump in and out of you. He felt so good that you couldn’t help the unholy sounds coming from you already. Aware that you were outside and not in a muffled room, you bit down on his shoulder as he fucked you. Even he couldn’t contain the moans and pants that escaped his lips as he pulled out til only the tip breached you before crashing back down into you.

“Tell me,” pants, “tell me what you are. Tell me who you belong to,” he groaned as your nails scraped down his back. He held your face with one hand and rubbed circles over your clit with the other. You felt the pressure built in the pit of your stomach and you knew you were close.

“I’m yours Draco. Your filthy little mudblood,” you almost screamed. You couldn’t believe the words tumbling from your mouth but you didn’t care either. Something so wrong had never felt so right. His thrust became more erratic and his pants harder.

“Mmm that’s right baby. You’re mine. My own mudblood,” he whispered in your ear. His. His own mudblood. The word sent shivers down your spine and this time, the word wasn’t an insult. It was a prayer from his perfect pink lips. You felt him throb and twitch inside you, sending you over the edge. Your back arched off the grass and you tightened hard around his cock, as the biggest orgasm you had ever had ripped through you like a tsunami. The feeling of you tightening and twitching around him was too much for him. He let out a guttural, heavy moan against your neck and filled you with hot cum, coating your walls with him. He pushed two more sloppy thrusts before collapsing beside you. You both lay panting and shaking as your peak plateaued beside either other. He pulled you closer and you lay your head on his heaving, sweaty chest. He played with your hair as you both tried to catch your breath.

“All mine” he whispered against your hair and you felt yourself warm from the inside. You had given yourself to someone for the first time and no amount of reasoning could have stopped you, and you were glad. The sun shone down and warmed your skin, as you lay listening to Draco’s heart beat in his chest. He rested his arm around you and you held his hand up in yours. You saw the dark mark that contrasted so high against his milky white skin and gave it a kiss. You almost felt the vibration of the magic left in it against your lips. Draco started to jerk his arm away but when you held it tighter, he gave in and allowed you to give him more light kisses to the mark. You knew any words about it would be too much, so you thought of yourself comforting him - Being the person he needed when he got it, and now, hoping he would hear you. He hugged you tighter against his chest as you thought of it and that was enough to know he heard. He knew.

#draco smut #draco malfoy #draco x reader #draco malfoy smut #draco fic #hp smut #stepcest draco #stepbro!draco #hurt/comfort

[icycoldninja]

Long dead memories (Sephiroth X Reader angst)

Tw: Death and sickness; DNI if you are not comfortable with these themes.

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Geostigma. The most debilitating, terrifying, fear striking disease to have ever existed, it wracked the bodies of most of the survivors of Sephiroth's heinous scheme to destroy the planet with Meteor. It appeared to be most prevalent in those who were closest to him, therefore it was only natural for you to be one of the most heavily afflicted.

The disease had claimed your entire body, primarily concentrated in your legs, making them so weak it hurt just to move them, thereby rendering you bedridden. To make matters worse, the majority of your body, except for your genitalia, face, hands and neck, were covered in large, ooze-secreting sores that burned when exposed to air, covered in cloth, or touched in general. Your entire existence was that of misery and pain--this applied to both your mental and physical state.

Honestly, you were well aware your end was approaching. After all, no known cure for Geostigma existed, and no scientists were around to try and make one. Thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of people had already succumbed to this terrible ailment; you would just be another corpse in the pile.

Such depressing thoughts were only natural of someone on their deathbed. As most people do when their lives are slowly slipping away from them, you began to recall some of your most beloved memories. Memories of your childhood, your happiest moments, your accomplishments, but more importantly, your memories of Sephiroth.

That beautiful, green-eyed, silver-haired angel had been the sun of your life; the atmosphere to your earth, the salt to your food. He was the most precious thing in the world to you, and just like that, he'd been ripped away. His death, combined with your contraction of Geostigma, sent you into a depressed spiral. There was only one thought that brought you comfort: He was in the Lifestream now, and therefore all around you, so technically you weren't dying alone; he was there too, silently watching over you. You wanted this fact to be true so badly, you forced yourself to believe it--not that there was anyone around to tell you otherwise.

Closing your eyes, you turned over in your bed, wincing when you felt sharp pains shoot throughout your legs and shoulders; your sores squelching under the weight of your decaying body. It hurt, so, so, much, the pain was enough to bring tears to your eyes, making you wanted Sephiroth by your side more than you ever did in your lifetime. He always knew what to do, what to say, or what not to say, and how to hold you so the pain would go away. You could picture it in your mind's eye, the way his would circle his arms around your torso; how he would press kisses to your forehead and shush you, reminding you of how much he loved you in just a few words. You could hear it even now, the timbre of his low, rumbly voice echoing in your ears.

"Do not be afraid. Sleep, for I am with you, and always will be."

Though he rarely used pet names in times like these, the gentle tone of his voice and soft caressing of his lips against your skin reminded you of how much he loved you in ways words never could.

You shivered, wrapping your blankets tightly around yourself, mentally cursing the coldness of your room. At the very least, you wanted to die in a nice, toasty room, perhaps by a blazing fire. As you tried to remember what comfort felt like, memories of Sephiroth cuddling you flitted into your mind. Snuggling with him always felt the best; his large frame constantly emitted warmth, much like a human heater; resting your head near his broad, warm chest was pure bliss. As you reminisced, you could have sworn you felt his presence surround you even now as you lay on a cold mattress in a freezing, heat-less room.

Small teardrops spilled forth from your eyes, the nostalgia of events long passed filling you with a profound sense of sadness you couldn't fully understand. You gripped your sheets tightly, screwing your eyes shut in an attempt to hold on to this soothing feeling that you hadn't felt in years.

You wished you could stay like this forever, wrapped safely in the arms of your dearest love. Your mind began to fog over; the burning pain of your Geostigma sores beginning to vanish as your mind slowly sank deeper and deeper into sleep. The further into the darkness you went, the calmer and more at peace you felt.

A small smile crept onto your face as you finally let go of your last threads of consciousness, glad to be able to depart in the tender embrace of some long dead memories.

#Ff7 #Ffvii #Final fantasy 7 #Final fantasy vii #Ff7 sephiroth #ffvii sephiroth #final fantasy vii sephiroth #Sephiroth x reader #Sephiroth ff7 x reader #Sephiroth ff7 #Sephiroth ffvii #Sephiroth ffvii X reader #Fanfic #Angst #Angsty fanfic #Angst fanfic #icycoldninja writes #Angst with a sad ending #Tw: death #Tw: sickness

[beezusvreeland]

now that we don't talk - chapter 4

summary: After being rejected by Poe, the two of you are assigned a mission together. And a lot can happen during a mission.

ship: poe dameron x f!reader

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Poe was waiting outside of the ship, fancy leather boots tapping nervously on the floor. Dressed in a black Empire military coat uniform and pants that matched, he started feeling anxious, which was rare for him before missions. Usually fear only kicked in when he was face to face with danger. 

Poe caught himself thinking that he would rather go to the most dangerous mission by himself than a low to medium risk with you. He obviously trusted you with his life and you were always a great asset to the team, but that night felt different. But the more he reflected on it, the more the fact that you had to infiltrate a party on your own home planet didn’t sit right with him. Not only were you facing some of the most important names of the Empire, there was a chance you would run into some of the ones you once knew. And there was no way of predicting how that particular scenario could play out. That worried Poe, which was saying a lot, since he is usually the most unpredictable person in the room and in the sky.

As the poster boy of the Resistance, Poe Dameron was used to being in charge. Not in a tyrannic search for power, but in being the one leading. In this case he could feel his emotions paving the way for him — worry, fear, insecurity and whichever feelings he had for you, all combined into a terrifying mix. Poe almost couldn’t recognize himself. 

The sound of your high heels touching the steps that led from the ship to the land took him out of his preoccupied mind. He rushed to the top of the stairs holding his gloved hand for you to hold. Immediately, Poe was struck with the dark green of your dress and how beautiful it looked in contrast to your skin. The dress had a flowy skirt that moved against the wind. It was sleeveless, showing your bare arms, shoulders and décollotté. The top was tight, with two delicate straps that connected it to the back of the dress. 

Poe was already breathless when his eyes finally reached your face. A few curls fell from your hairdo, framing your face, with your pink cheeks and heart shaped lips. You took his hand, going down the steps. Then, you looked at him. Poe felt self conscious, definitely a new emotion for him, wondering if he still had the same effect he used to have on you. Deep down, he knew it was selfish and that he had no right to even wonder about it, still, for a moment, it felt like something inside him would break if you didn’t care for his appearance. If you didn’t care for him.

“Come here”, you got closer to him, fixing his collar and the way his dark cape fell on his shoulders. 

You had a composed expression, but Poe saw right through you. There was just something so sad about your eyes. Chills went through his body as he realized that he was most likely the reason for it. 

You stopped fixing his clothes. 

“There you go”, you took a step back. 

“You look beautiful”, Poe said. It just came out of his mouth. But he meant it, he really did.

That intensified the pink on your cheeks. Poe felt a pinch in his stomach, added with a weird sense of accomplishment. After that day on the courtyard, he started going through his memories, trying to find clues that he might’ve missed that indicated how you felt. At that time, it seemed impossible to point out if you were just timid with your approach or if Poe really didn’t pay attention. 

Sure, every now and then he would catch your gaze on him during a meeting or at the mess hall. Most times, you would look away quickly, like a scared porg, pretending to be doing something else. Sometimes, Poe would be quicker, making a funny face that caught you off guard, earning him a laugh. He really liked the sound of your laugh. 

Standing there, in front of the ship, all nervous and ready to go take on the main part of the mission, Poe was the one analyzing you for a change. You were taken aback by his compliment, like that was the last thing you ever expected him to say. Poe knew for a fact it was the first time he ever told you were beautiful, something very unlike him, given the huge flirt he was. 

Every single woman at the base had been on the receiving end of his affections, from the general (“The Force is looking good on you today, general”) to the comms ladies (“How are the prettiest sirens of the galaxy doing?”). It wasn’t like he meant anything by it other than being playful and showing his appreciation for them. 

When it came to dating, however, he would turn the charm up, a sucker for the conquest and the chase. You’ve seen that play out several times, the Black Squadron loved to poke fun at their commander for his man whoring ways. You never did, though, Poe realized. You would always listen to him talk about his pursuits, but would never comment on it. He had just assumed that was just you keeping it to yourself. 

There was one time when Poe casually brought dating into a conversation the two of you were having. You had spent the day working or flight formations and, after, sat at the courtyard watching the sunset while sharing some fruits and a bottle of liquor. 

“Now, enough about me”, he cut one of the fruits, a mysterious orange one, and gave you half. “How is your dating life going? I almost never see you out besides having drinks with us.”

You freezed, avoiding his gaze.

“Not much going on…We’re always so busy, there is almost no time to date.”

“Come on now, sweetheart”, Poe laughed. “If I, a pilot and a commander, can find the time to date and have some fun, you definitely can too.”

“It’s not the same thing, though”, you said, frustrated. “You can walk into a room and have women begging you for a date or anything you’re willing to give them.”

“It’s not my fault I’m so irresistible”, Poe winked and you rolled your eyes at him. “But really, if you want it, I can totally help you find a solid guy who would love to take you out. In fact, not just one, I bet there are several guys around base who are just waiting for the right opportunity to meet you.”

“Do you really think so?”, you asked so low he almost didn’t hear it.

“I know so!”, Poe also knew you needed a boost of confidence. “Anyone would be lucky to get to know you, sweetheart. You’re smart, kind and loyal, and a damn good rebel too, if I say so myself.”

Poe probably said more stuff, but not that you were beautiful. Maybe he should have. Perhaps if he did, you wouldn’t have a pained expression on your face, one that even Poe, who had never been the most perceptive person, could tell meant you didn’t believe him. Somehow, learning that hurt him too.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“What? Compliment you?”

“Feel sorry for me”, your tone was serious.

“I don’t…I meant what I said…”

“You have never ever said it before, Poe”, you added, raising your chin as you looked at him. Your expression was not one of vulnerability anymore, but that of a soldier on a mission. “You have no reason to start now.”

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry if…”

“We should go now. We have a job to do.”

Looking at the mansion ahead, you take a deep breath and start walking.

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<< chapter 3

>> chapter 5

all chapters

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tags 💖 @wreckmyimage @steven-grants-world @lizispunkk

#poe dameron fanfic #poe dameron #poe dameron x reader #poe dameron x you #unrequited love #poe dameron fluff

[gale-gentlepenguin]

Gale Theories: Who is "The Supreme"?

In the Miraculous World Special: Tales of Shadybug and Claw Noir it is revealed that the two villains were not the main one's causing chaos, but two villains working under someone or something called "The Supreme" and we never see what they look like, just their logo and influence.

(Spoilers below)

Shadybug and Claw Noir are both clearly terrified of the villain, Betterfly even comments that the two villains he is fighting are being used by the Supreme.

We know that the Supreme gave Gabriel his miraculous and his misuse lead to... well

But thats not all we see of the Supreme,

Tikki and Plagg are both Gagged by the Supreme, the miraculous he gave to Shadybug and Claw noir have kwami unable to speak.

We also know that even if someone were to combine the Ladybug and Cat miraculous that belong to the Supreme

Gimmi, the Kwami of reality CAN NOT grant wishes and even says

Only The Supreme defines reality. Reality is The Supreme

So this begs the Question, who could this "Supreme" be?

Now if we look at the Supreme's symbol it looks like the Order of Guardian's symbol, but with an X through it

This could imply that the being known as the Supreme has had some affiliation with the Guardians in the past or at the very least knows about their existence.

Which leads to the First Theory

The Supreme is the Evil Version of the Order of Guardians

I have seen going around is that the Supreme is an Evil version of the Guardians, and that it is simply a representative of a group as a whole, which does seem feasible, especially when we look into the picture of Gabriel facing multiple symbols but that could also be a stylistic choice.

But if the Supreme IS a group as opposed to just a singular individual than the group MUST be under the evil version of Su Han OR the Wizard that created the Miraculous originally.

I think the theory is a bit lacking as we know very little about the wizard and Su han (while being a competent fighter has shown to be incompetent in literally every other field) so him being the villain doesnt make sense.

But the next theory does hold a bit more water.

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Nathalie is the Supreme

We never see who or what the Supreme is, and we never see a version of Nathalie from the other Universe. We know Nathalie used to be a Lara Kroft like explorer and was the one that found the butterfly miraculous. It could be possible that in this timeline, Nathalie FOUND all of the miraculous and used them for her own benefit, making herself the supreme. She has shown to have a better grasp of the miraculous than Gabriel even before uncovering the knowledge.

But this is also speculation as we dont know if Fu is still around in that Universe and if the events of Feast actually happened. And while I do love an all powerful Step Milf. It is also unlikely. The next one may also seem out of left field but does have a bit more justification

___________________________________________________________

Lila/Cerise/Whomever the f***, is The Supreme

Lila as the Supreme? Well she is evil and competent enough. Lila also has the cold hearted nature to accomplish such a feat, And the ending of Season 5 does have something happening that causes our universe's Lila to freak out. An alternate universe conquering Lila does seem feasible with how well she adjusts, but with people commenting she is only 14 that it wouldnt work, what if Lila isnt 14?

The girl knows how to navigate and change persona's at the drop of a hat. The planning and way she acquires things she wants is on a much more devious method than most teens would even consider. Lila could feasibly be someone with eternal youth or a medical disorder that makes her look young. (Yes an Orphan situation). And it is basically a fandom joke at this point with how much Thomas believes that teenagers are the meanest people.

But similar to Nathalie such a possibility is limited and likely not the case.

Which leads us to the final and probable individual that is likely the True Supreme

______________________________________________________________

Fu is The Supreme

Now why would I say this is the most likely situation. On Rewatch, Shadybug does refer to the Supreme as "Him" at one point. Which could be a dubism, but if it isnt there is also the reasons below on why it could be Fu

Fu has canonically had a negative experience with the Guardians

Fu is responsible for the Guardians disappearing the first time by accident

Fu has a deep understanding of the miraculous and was trained in the ways of the guardian.

Fu going mad with power and being alone for almost 2 centuries would be a logical backstory to turn him evil

Since we know that certain events are consistent in the other universe, like Adrien losing his mother and Marinette getting bullied by Chloé. It is likely the events that created Fu are the same. And if the events are the same or similar, than the order of Guardians are no more, leaving one person who would have had ALL the miraculous, and that is Fu.

And lets say the Events DIDNT play out the same, Fu could have made a faction that simply took over from the original Order of Guardians, thats why that symbol is there and is crossing out the Original one.

Fu would also know how the wish works and thus likely made the wish to be the one to alter reality, he likely gave himself the power to have control of things. And while people may argue that Fu is incompetent, he actually has shown to be quite clever and quick to figure things out. Fu also was competent enough to pick ladybug and Chat noir to fight Hawkmoth, so he must understand what is needed.

And that is where I stand on the "Who is the Supreme"

#miraculous ladybug #ml spoilers #ml speculation #ml special spoilers #ml paris spoilers #the supreme #gale theories

[writing-in-sin]

Pattern in my OTPs: Sadistic! Top x Fearless! Bottom

Dont mind me, just self-indulging about my OTPs

Anyways!

Recently, I've noticed that I have a certain type when in comes to my OTPs which is a sadistic top paired with a fearless bottom. Granted, not all of my OTPs are of this type but I dont think its an exaggeration when I say that at least 90% of them are like this

GinHiji

Out of all of my OTPs, I'd say GinHiji pretty much embodies my favourite type of OTPs. Gintoki is canonically a Sadist and in fact, is known to be a Do-S alongside Sougo. Contrasting him is the fearless yet tsundere Hijikata. Another reason why I like them is the manzai combi they have. Hijikata is forever exasperated by Gintoki and cant help but be the tsukkomi to Gintoki's boke 🤣

BakuDeku

These 2 have a very complicated relationship but thankfully have improved a lot especially in recent years. Bakugou can be quite sadistic but considering what's happened between them and him canonically wants to do better, I think it'll take awhile for Bakugou to let out that sadistic side of him around Deku

With Deku though, he doesnt mind and I think we all can agree that Deku is a disastrous combination of fearless and reckless 😅

6927

One of my 1st OTPs since high school. Now, I dont think i need to tell anyone who's ever read or watched KHR that Mukuro is hands down quite terrifying and considering his introduction, has a sadistic streak a mile wide

For Tsuna, yeah....while its true that he tend to be more afraid than not but as time went on, it became more apparent that he's grown to be couragous and fearless when it comes to his Famiglia

KamuShin

granted, this is more of a crackship since Kamui and Shinpachi barely interacted but I like how their personalities mesh together. Kamui is another canonically sadistic chara in Gintama, anyone who's ever seen him fight in the Yoshiwara or Silver Soul arc can attest to that. Not to mentioned all of the shenanigans and mayhem he likes to cause with a deranged grin

Shinpachi is noted to be fearless in his own right, capable of accomplishing feats that other normal humans would feel impossible to even try. cant forget that he's also the one who made Utsuro pause before the timeskip

plus, they're also a manzai combi! a Do-S Yato boke with a glasses tsukkomi XD

ParaEmu

initially, i like them as a switch couple but recent years make me lean more of them as a fixed pair with Parad as a top. starting out as a villain, Parad was noted to be quite sadistic especially when he possessed Emu. He's since mellowed out but since we dont see much of how the charas are post-canon, its hard to say if he retained his more sadistic nature. i tend to hc that he does but only lets it out when needed

if anyone knows Emu's not so pleasant childhood and how he's risen to overcome many obstacles in life, then i think we can agree that he's become one of the most fearless charas in Ex-Aid

DeathPuss

okay, this one is pretty much on the nose. sadistic grim reaper hunting down everyone's favourite fearless hero anyone?

WangXian

Wei Wuxian is one of the most fearless charas I've ever had the pleasure to know about. the way he holds onto his morals and convictions even as the whole world turned against him is nothing short of inspiring. born with a smile and a noble heart that's matched by his beloved husband Lan Wangji

while he's not sadistic in the usual sense, Lan Wangji in the novel is known to mercilessly tease his husband especially in :ehem: bed. not to mentioned that when he deems it necessary, this man never hesitates to swiftly cut people down with just a few words right at jugular too

DazuShi

a suicidal former Port Mafia who's known to torture people paired with his steadily fearless were-tiger. i love their dynamic

MiSawa

Miyuki Kazuya is canonically known as twisted by both allies and opponents alike even feared to the point of petrifying the target of his ire with just a glare.

Sawamura Eijun? the fearless sunshine boy who overcome odds that would and have retired many players from the game. the Yips arc was remarkable in showing Eijun's strength and determination

KaiShin

the trickster who can easily manipulate law enforcements and enemies alike. its more noted in the early chapters of the manga, but Kaito was more callous. while thats no longer the case, Kaito is still quite unhinged

Shinichi? well, with all the reckless stunts he's pulled over the past 20+ years, i think fearless is an understatement for this detective

LawLu

the recent addition to my OTP list. LawLu is the one that made me realise that I tend to favour sadistic tops when I was trying to articulate Law's preference in my HC

thats when I realised that Law has a sadistic streak in canon. while its not explored all that much since he's an ally of the Straw Hats, we see hints of it. combined with the fact that he's a nerd, big on plans and control, he's a terrifying force. this is the same guy who cut opened 100 pirate hearts and sent them to the Marines

Luffy? he's fearless as they come. overcoming many hardships and coming out stronger. who fights for freedom and nakama even if it means facing death. hell, its canon that he's not afraid to face death for what he believes in

_____

With that said, I love my OTPs 🤩😍

.....Also, should I be worried that I'm a little too fond of sadistic tops for my OTPs? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

#gintama #ginhiji #bakudeku #boku no academia #6927 #katekyo hitman reborn #kamushin #paraemu #wangxian #khr #katsudeku #deathpuss #puss in boots movie #bsd #bungou stray dogs #dazushi #daiya no ace #misawa #miyusawa #detective conan #dcmk #kaishin #magic kaito #one piece #lawlu #meitantei conan #mdzs #mo dao zu shi

[logicaltips]

To lend a hand

What if the Creator was absolutely terrible at the game? Definitely not speaking from prior experience here

Like, your acolytes are still getting stronger compared to before they were blessed by the Creator's presence, but the builds are all wrong; all the artifact and weapon stats and abilities are not optimal, they aren't leveled, and the skill leveling path is completely wrong. And the Creator just can't time their dashes to I-frame through attacks and skills to get proper reactions. Think like, using Mona's burst randomly and just letting it pop on its own with no follow up.

At first, the acolytes will be absolutely delighted to be blessed by their Creator, then, after suffering constant defeats, they realize that the Creator is completely unfamiliar with the land they created after being separated from Teyvat for so long. The role of the Creator is essentially to offer many paths to power, but the acolytes themselves must choose which ones to walk on. Also they believe that if they don't help you, they're scared that the Creator will get tired of Teyvat after constantly losing and will uninstall the game. They don't want to play the game for you; just make it easier so that they will still play.

In Mondstadt, Jean organizes the Knights to help you in commissions in anyway that they can, even if they're pulling triple duty. For delivering food, instead of the Creator stumbling around random paths well past the time limit, they find that the only goal is to simply grab the delivery fee from the front gates and give it to Sara. Meanwhile, Kaeya, Lisa, and Eula construct a makeshift obstacle course, full of non-damaging traps, to help train the Creator in I-frame dashing, which doubles as a commission. While they are a bit firm in their training, they don't push the Creator too hard and make it seem impossible to accomplish. When the Creator finally dashes through the first obstacle, the entire city erupts with celebration.

The obstacle course would later become a mandatory test requirement for the Knight of Favonius recruitment trials. Of course, Ella and Noelle pass with flying colors.

In Liyue, Zhongli automatically activates his shields whenever the Creator begins a battle, sometimes almost breaking the limits of the connection between Creator and acolyte to lengthen his shield duration well past their coded limits. Meanwhile, Ningguang sends bits of her information board to the Creator's mailbox on what to buy, how to manage resources and mora, and where to ask for assistance in Teyvat.

During the Tartaglia boss fight, at first he's excited to fight a Creator-powered acolyte for the first time, but after the 20th victory without needing to draw on the power of his delusion, he and everyone else in the Creator's party begins to hear crying and words of "This boss fight is impossible..." from the Creator.

Immediately, the characters in the party go full Super Saiyan; temporarily leveling up their talents to the highest, obtaining all the food buffs at once, and even steal the most powerful weapons from the gacha, while Tartaglia musters as much "overly dramatic defeated villain" acting energy as he can.

"Ah~~! It- it can't be! Where did you obtain this power from?! You're too strong~!" As he slowly falls over, "defeated" when the Creator finally overcomes his 2nd phase.

The joyful cheers from the Creator of that day prompted the creation of a new holiday in Liyue, which surpasses the popularity of the Lantern Rite. Even Osial delayed his emergence to let the people celebrate the momentous occasion.

In Inazuma, the first fight against Raiden terrifies the Creator so much that they immediately burst into tears at the notion of fighting them a second time. With that, every character allied with the Resistance is motivated times 10000; this wasn't just a war to repel the Vision Hunt Decree, this was a war to make sure the Creator's heart isn't hurt ever again. Kokomi, Gorou, and later even Sara Kujou, combine their strategic minds to come up with the best possible builds for each acolyte the Creator has obtained, and sends a letters of guidance of how to build a proper kit to the Creator's mailbox.

When Signora steps up to challenge the acolytes, the Creator once again is terrified of fighting another Harbinger. Unfortunately for Signora, the Creator has learned (somewhat) from their previous experiences, and with immense difficulty, defeats Signora. During the Raiden boss fight, the Creator finds that the Shogun's blade was dealing less damage than before, and the windows to attack were quite long. After an intense battle, the Creator manages to defeat the Shogun and leads her to repeal the Vision Hunt Decree.

After all, the puppet has learned her lesson after watching the Creator's new power being used against Signora. True eternity was earned from the passing moments of growth, culminating in an eternal memory engrained in the Creator's mind as they finally overcome their challenges and claim their rightful rewards with the help of their acolytes.

#sagau #self aware genshin #genshin #sara kujou #zhongli #ningguang #kokomi #jean gunnhildr #kaeya genshin impact #tartagila #raiden shogun #genshin signora #i know nothing about sumeru so no part about scaramouche boss here #I don't know a lot about inazuma's story either #sorry

[antisepticcrayon]

Posting here too! Just so I can give a longer explanation a bit for the few pieces I've been able to scramble for Sean.

Now I'm not the best at drawing people so it's very rare that I get to try to draw fanart for Sean and the community but I'll share the few I've been able to do!

Starting with the spring banner I made for Sean's server! Has to be one of my favorites becos I loved how it turned out and the fact that I somehow won the banner contest. It's always such a funny shock to go onto the server and see my art there. I've never been so proud of an accomplishment like that.

Next up is the Chase brody youtooz plush concept. Now I did this for kicks and giggles (/hj. Please Sean. We need sad dad plushies.) But it was pretty funny that that reference sheet got way more attention than I thought. And at the time of iris being fairly new was also so funny to me. He looks so sad. I need 17 of them.

King of the daisies portrait! My one piece of fanart that got the most recognition from the community! I spent a grueling 5-6 hours on this piece. It was during a time of art block so I wanted to try drawing realism for a month (didn't go exactly a month but I tried!) And this was my second attempt of the month and it came out so well. I absolutely adore it. And the inspiration came from when Sean announced that white daisies were his favorite flowers. So of course to honor the flow3r king, I did that for him. (Also another reason the banner, he's wearing a daisy crown!)

And finally the anti portrait. This one I made at work actually right before I was contacted for winning a meet and greet ticket to face time Sean through moment house. And to calm my nerves for the next couple days, I worked on this piece. (I referenced an art piece done by turquoise magpie I believe for this one!) But also another part of my month realism challenge!

The 2 realistic portraits hold a special place in my heart. Becos even through the horrendous wifi (and my uncontrollable anxiety) and cutting out during my meet and greet, I had the chance to show him them. I just didn't get to hear or see his reactions properly but the fact I showed him at all for him to see was more than enough.

Annnd then these last art pieces (I'm frankly TERRIFIED of showing. Unsure if it counts as fanart buttt)

These first 2 photos are reference pieces for my "JJ" inspired OC/Fursona. He is considered my comfort character who I tend to draw and doodle whenever I'm feeling down or having a bad day. Jameson (and chase) are my favorite egos and I find comfort in them. Not sure why, but I do. I feel like they just came at times I was struggling the most and brought joy to me though. Just Sean in general has done as such.

And the last photo is a book cover I created for a short story I'm writing with my self insert OC and chase Brody (along with the other egos).

The short story takes part of a community I'm in that surrounds giant/smalls/humans folklore and certain cultures surrounding a time of creatures big and small, Aka G/T! Think of any fairy tales like jack and beanstalk or even japenese animes like the secret world of ariety or movies and books like "The borrowers". (Another comfort for me. I find writing helpful as well for bad days and to also center and express myself again)

Anyways one of my favorite human pieces I've ever completed on my own through lots of practice and failed sketches (my good friend zora rendered and shaded it for me! Actual drawing, linework and coloring done by me!)

Anyways, I hope I'm not overstaying my welcome so I'll cut it off here!

I thank you both for doing this revival! I was never able to participate truely with "septicart" but I'm glad I can right now through this :)

Thanks for reading!

- Dj💜

(I apologize if my wording is wacky! ADHD and dyslexia isn't a fun combination when trying to write and explain things ack)

@turquoisemagpie @rogue-of-broken-time

#SepticartRevival2023 #septicart #jacksepticeye fanart #jacksepticeye

[fetus-cakes]

Thoughts on Unicorn Wars

(spoilers ahead) When I first watched the trailer I thought that this felt like a sketch from Rick and Morty: take something considered wholesome, infantile and (depending your definition) feminine and combine it with something considered hypermasculine: the army. Fortunately I knew this was not going to be their take on it because the director is Alberto Vázquez, from Birdboy/Psychonauts; and his style is what I would call “children’s apocalypse”.

I think this movie would have been extremely tiring if it was done with the post-irony humour of Rick and Morty and honestly one of the things I love about it is that it is not. The movie does its take on this subject completely straight and while there is some humour on the characters having names like Sgt. Snuggles; you quickly get caught up in the emotional army drama that is the central plot. 

One of the things I enjoyed early on is that this movie was giving us a view of what would toxic masculinity look like in a world that’s obviously inspired by Care Bears and early MLP: what we get is men fighting over who looks cuddlier and huggable, combined with very physical fights and their results. 

When I say that that the movie takes it subject matter seriously, that does not mean it glorifies the army or being in the armed forces: quite the opposite. This movie is extremely cynical about what being a soldier means. Our main character Bluey is a soldier because he selfishly wants to be “the best” at everything; the other soldiers don’t know what they’re getting into and their motivation is a “holy war” that is deconstructed from the first scene. Even their immediate superiors have no idea what they’re fighting against: we see their sargeant fall apart mentally much quicker than the new recruits (and it’s implied that it’s not because he’s seen this too many times, rather that he is seeing it for the first time). The guys at the top of the army know what’s going on and reveal to audience that there’s no reason to keep this holy war going except to keep themselves in power. There’s nearly a verbatim line that the people need an enemy to hate or they’ll notice how fucked up the power structure in their society is. 

Fascinatingly, for a movie that’s so so cynical about the army and using religion as a vehicle for genocide, the soldier chaplain is never presented as a corrupt character. He believes the holy war motivation as much as the other soldiers (perhaps even more so), but there’s a quiet self confidence he has that we don’t see in any other character. He is capable and self assured at all times; which is highlighted when other soldiers are falling apart emotionally around him. Interestingly we don’t see him trying to incite hatred against unicorns among the other soldiers too often, he’s more preoccupied in supporting them morally and spiritually. He even ends up committing suicide with a grenade to kill a group of unicorns and save his fellows. It’s fascinating because he experiences zero character growth in this time in the movie: he lives and he dies being completely convinced that this is the right course of action. Nothing about him was fake, even though as the audience we know that the reason for war is false. 

I would argue that his role is taken over by Bluey in the latter half of the movie: someone who is completely convinced that this holy war is correct and necessary and will stop at nothing to see it through. What makes Bluey a terrifying villain is that he’s now finally someone with the power and resources to actually accomplish the unicorn genocide. 

Major spoilers for the ending below!

I think it was a very good decision not have Tubby confront other teddy bears and try to convince them that unicorns are actually good at the climax of the movie. It’s something we’ve seen before in How to Train Your Dragon and the like. Besides, there was not a single positive thing that the bear army had to offer Tubby, it would make no sense for him to try to reason with them as an ally. It DOES make sense to try to reason and find mutual ground with his brother. 

The movie gave hints since the beginning (since the first line?) that whoever drank the blood of the last unicorn would be cursed to be a beautiful and powerful being. I really thought this meant that whoever drank the blood would become the new being: but in the movie Bluey is absorbed into a flesh mass along with his brother and Maria and the three of them become a human being. 

I talked with a friend and we agreed that it would have been more thematically consistent if the human had burst forth from Bluey’s body like a chestburster: a painful and violent “birth” and not at all what Bluey was promised by his army and his faith. The flesh mass made it confusing as to why the prophecy said that someone (presumably a teddy bear) had to drink the blood of the last unicorn.

Another thing we talked about was that if both brothers were absorbed to make the human being, it would be nice to have a visual cue that something of the bears was passed on to the human. A really good final shot of the movie could have been the human staring at the camera with one eye being unmistakably Bluey’s. Even better: this person has heterochromia and one is Bluey’s and the other one is Tubby’s? 

I do like to think that this new human inherited both Bluey’s capacity of cruelty and Tubby’s capacity for selfless kindness, because I do think that every person is capable of both things. 

New thought: what if all the bears and unicorns had died, and then a single ape came out from the burnt forest and ate Maria’s flesh and became a human being?

#unicorn wars #fetus talks

[precious-little-scoundrel]

Fuck…Those Who Can…goddamn I can tell already it’s going to be incredible. The world building, relationships and dialogue are so fully realized that I would read a whole series of just those ladies without the MOTA guys ever showing up. That being said I’m so excited to see them interact with the boys. Buck and Bucky aren’t going to know what hit them. I showed up for Kendeigh but Ida Brady has me by the throat and I can’t wait for her to do the same to Egan. Once the ladies get close to the boys and it gets out how they were treated… the boys have seen Bucky angry (which is scary enough because that man is truly a loose cannon) but there’s something undeniably terrifying about the cold, calculated fury Gale Cleven directs at the German guards once he learns how their comrades treated his Candy and the other girls. I’m a sucker for the “my girl can handle her own shit but I’m also gonna cut a bitch if you breathe the wrong way in her direction.”

HOLY SMOKES THIS IS A COMPLIMENT! 😳😭🤯🥰

Thank you for coming to scream, I have SUCH feels for this universe, such feels and I need to scream often or I will explode and then -no more fics for us. Lol.

I was nervous about writing a whole fic where the “people of interest” barely show but it seemed necessary and I’m so relieved to hear that you not only didn’t have to slog through it but you found it gripping on its own. Mission accomplished for this little writer. 🥰

Maureen has my heart just as Bucky always wrangles it, too, in much the same way but Ida?? Oh Ida. I’m with you, I’m just partial. Especially as I think I’ll get a chance to humanize her even more, which makes her quiet tenacity all the more impressive. “I can’t wait for her to do the same to Egan”—I see you see the vision, my friend. Ha!

Oh, oh these boys are gonna blow their lids when/if word gets out, only issue being they’re in a prison camp and the guards they have a fight with are no longer here, either. But you best believe they trust none of the new ones, or the other guys for a very long time. There’s a very aware agreement that they can handle shit but the boys would enjoy handing out shit if given the chance, so- “I’ll walk ya to the combine”.

This scene with cold fury Gale and his heartbroken eyes beneath? So very coded for this scene.

#masters of the air #mota asks #mota Au #those who can #love notes

[queenklu]

I made TWO (TWO!!!! 2!!!!!) appointments ON THE PHONE within the space of ten minutes and not only would that have been nearly impossible a year ago, if the stars had somehow aligned and I'd managed it then I would have been in agony during the lead up, fighting my way through it, heart pounding by the end and shaken in the aftermath. That's assuming I even remembered to make the appointments at all.

Hey guys??? This just in: Meds Work.

Even with stressful things going on (we're heading into a teacher's strike amongst other joys) I feel like this might be the first summer (in...my life??) that I've been able to genuinely Relax. Like yes, there are things I need to accomplish but they don't feel like shoving my hand into a large hive with the goal of pulling out fistfuls of bees! Like, that's not how you get honey anyway!

And let me tell you, the road here S U C K E D. My first meds provider told me "You said you like writing, use your words" when I was crying too hard to speak (didn't help, thanks!!), that I didn't have ADHD I just "liked procrastinating," said she wanted me to be braver and then took the ADHD questionnaire I'd filled out and said "This is worthless." AND I STILL WENT BACK!! I went back until she moved practices because I'm stubborn and wanted to prove her wrong and because she'd signed for the psych eval and even THAT GUY ALSO SUCKED, BUT the new meds provider was able to look at the mess he handed over and go "Huh. This seems weird. I'm going to listen to you."

(what a concept)

A treated combination of anti-anxiety and ADHD means I sleep better. I teach better. I grade better. I rest better. Hey do you know if you feel like a huge clock is ticking down every free moment it's not actually REST? Doing things I don't particularly care for no longer feels like crushing my brain against glass wall, or--you know, without contacts I can only see about five inches in front of my face before things get blurry? It felt like trying to drive without contacts. If I squinted I could sometimes get lucky and dodge things before they came my way, but it hurt and was exhausting and terrifying and I still hit big things.

It's not 100%, if 100% even exists. I still forget things sometimes--I forgot to put the milk in the fridge the other day, but I also remembered on my own. And I was kinder to myself about forgetting.

The last car I had was a 92 Chevy Van, which I loved endlessly despite his many quirks--one of which was the fact that he had no warning light on the gas gauge or beep to let you know you were low. This meant I ran out of gas twice on my way to work--genuinely OUT, no gas left, pushing on the pedal but the car is slowing down, stuck on the side of the road NONE GAS. My new car has a light, a beep, and a digital count-down--all of these assistive devices to avoid a break down.

That's what I was always looking for with medication. And I'm really proud of past!me for fighting for us until we got it.

#fighting is worth it but also learn from past!me #you don't owe shitty people your time #they were never going to be convinced #find someone who listens to YOU

[headcrabrangoon]

WAIT DO YOU HAVE A CONTINUATION TO ALYX’S STORY??

I do now :) There were many parts of this outing that Adrian had been able to cope with. Waking up in a post-apocalyptic future where everything he knew was gone? He can roll with that, process it later. Tagging along with another ex-captive of the G-Man to destroy a boat traveling through spacetime so the fascist aliens can't get it first, all the while she's mumbling about splitting timelines? It's been that kind of week, might as well give his alien arsenal a change of scenery.

Silently observing a deeply personal confrontation between Alyx and this Dr. Mossman-- a woman he thinks might be Alyx's stepmom, and is terrified to ask about this-- is not something he can cope with.

"Alyx, please, try and be reasonable. This is no time for grudges."

"Grudges?! How is this about grudges?"

Being more or less clueless about what was going on made it easier for Adrian to be an impartial party in the debate of Destroy vs Salvage. He could trust that the Combine were bad news from Alyx's debriefing; that much seemed to be a universal truth. If they were up against a force trying to drive humanity to extinction, letting them get their hands on an advanced research vessel unstuck in time and space spelled disaster. However, he couldn't ignore the doctor's arguments any more than he could ignore the weight of the shiny arm-mounted portal device he'd stuffed in his knapsack a few rooms back.

It was probably better for him to hide that. He preferred to keep Tiny on his arm, anyway.

"Oh, let's not kid ourselves here. If anyone else had made this discovery--"

"This isn't about you, Mossman. It's about doing the right thing."

"Oh, and you're really taking the moral high ground, wanting to destroy knowledge. Think of what we could accomplish with all this on our side!"

"It's what Dad wanted, okay? It's the last thing he asked for, I can't--"

Alyx caught herself mid-sentence, looking ill. Mossman went pale.

"Did... something happen to Eli?"

Alyx's face screwed in concentration. Her eyes were far-off.

"I don't know," she managed. "I don't-- it shouldn't have. This should be the right timeline. But if it was, I shouldn't--"

The vessel groaned and lurched suddenly. Adrian and the doctor staggered to keep their footing, the former steeling his shoulders to keep his spore launcher steady. Alyx was unmoved by the turbulence, but from the way she clutched at her head, something else was wrong.

"None of this makes any sense," she groaned, face creased in pain and frustration. "I'm not-- I can't--"

Adrian hit the deck as something like a stun grenade went off. When his eyes decided to agree with his brain again, there was one less person in the room.

Roughly one week after Eli Vance had been saved from the Advisor, a patrol outside of White Forest returned with an extra party member. Due to her past history, Dr. Mossman's inability to explain how she'd gotten there was treated with scrutiny, as was her claim that she had just spoken to Eli's daughter.

When reports came in of the Borealis' attack on the budding superportal-- and the subsequent destruction of both-- these claims were re-examined.

#alyx tag #adrian tag #judith tag #tiny the spore launcher #later to be renamed #Newt Shephard #heddy lore #heddy rangoon #alyx's story

[innerchorus]

What kind of father do you think Hilmes would be to his children, and would the fact that his own father wanted him dead affect his own parenting? Would he see Osroes in a new light, finally confront it, when he has children of his own with Irina, because I think he'd love his children fiercely and wonder “how could a father not love his own children?” This is in an ideal world where he got a happy ending, overcame his trauma, went through a redemption arc, and Irina didn't die, of course.

What would it take to actually push him to make a huge decision like abolishing slavery, if he ever got the Parsian throne? I find this very difficult to achieve, because I feel like he'd stick to what's “tradition” and “proper” but like... T_T (in terms of my AUs, the one where he actually grew up under the clan's influence would be the one most likely to accomplish this, and in Wolfpack... having Arslan there forcibly yanking him on the correct path should do it, lmao. Even if he is dragged along that path kicking and screaming.)

Oh, good question. I could see him being terrified at the prospect of becoming a father at first, given his history. I definitely think he’d love his children fiercely and perhaps tend towards being overprotective. The question I see him asking himself is more like ‘how could a father act like he loved his child, and then order that child’s death?’. In a way, I think that’s harder to cope with than simply knowing that you were not loved.

Was the love Osroes raised him with ever real? It must have felt like it, but how could it have been? It would be extremely hard for Hilmes to come to terms with the fact that these questions are simply unanswerable. I don’t think he’d ever doubt his own love for his children, though. I’ve often wondered if he’d had a son with Irina, would he have been determined to set that child on a throne, or remained content to live peacefully? During the time he spent with Irina between Book 7 and Book 8, he had stopped pursuing revenge and had given up on the throne of Pars, but a throne is something he would definitely see as that child’s birthright, especially given the combination of the royal bloodlines of both Pars and Maryam (this is even mentioned in the novels). Yet aiming for such a thing again would expose his loved ones to danger.  

Yeah, like you, I find it hard to see Hilmes choosing to abolish slavery. I don’t know how to make it convincing that he would outside of an AU like yours. It just seems unlikely that he would institute such a huge and potentially unpopular social reform.

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