#honestly i think this all might be some undiagnosed adhd shit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fullmoondagger · 2 years

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Thinking about my HS science teacher bc of that ADHD post Its still honestly so wild to me how fucking unwilling to understand me she was...

I have some trauma around math. It's hard to distressing to me to interact with numbers because of teachers and my father being unable to explain to me and getting mad & screaming for the latter and leaving me to rot for the others, so now my reaction to seeing numbers is simply blanked out I will not do math on my own, seeing it makes me anxious and upset. Also might have slight discalculia that must have played into me being bad at math in the first place. Whatever.

Taking this into consideration I chose studies that did not have maths taught as a subject, with a lower level in everything else to go easy on myself, didnt turn out as I had planned but thats not the subject of the post.

Science teacher! I kinda like science, I was a little excited to have another teacher for the last year or so but like I was not doing well because again, math, and I don't do homework because I spent all my free time trying to recover from my days and I have better shit to do anyways which (rightfully) annoyed her but like. One day at the end of class she was like ohhh how are you doing so bad you have so much potential which instantly triggered my bite bite kill destroy instinct so I calmly explained to her that I could barely get two consecutive hours of sleep at night, that school was eating me alive and I barely had my head out of the water, that I had undiagnosed untreated ADHD and it was hard for me to do anything and that I was bad at math to begin with! I went serious and honest because sometimes you gotta, yknow. She brushed it off and went but youre so smart you can be good at this ! I KNOW you can do it! To which I replied this was simply crippling me more with anxiety and the certainty I will not archieve it because I was already doing my best and therefore disappoint her. Which I didnt care to please her at all for starters I dont want to be here.

Still I tried! I tried to read up my lessons and prepare for the next test, and I was pretty confident I had done a better job ! And I DID. I got a 13/20 instead of my usual 3-7/20 (for those with diff grading systems 0/20 is bad and 20/20 is good)

Needless to say I was happy ! I practically doubled my average results . Handing me my paper she said in front of EVERYONE in the class that "You could have done better and frankly with a test like this it looks like you're making fun of me". 💀💀💀 I got so pissed as you can imagine! Imagine saying that to a student after you have been exlicitly told about their situation.

At the end of the class I came to her desk and told her she had been really hurtful because I actually tried and studied for that test and I actually did impossibly better than usual, AS SHE WOULD KNOW, and that it was just rude to say that in front of everyone. She went on again about my potential and I told her to stop making up a fake image of myself in her mind because that's not the truth and I will never be it but again she didnt give a shit.

She went personal with me at the teacher council (I was attending bc I was elected for it to take notes for my classmates n bring up issues) and went on again about my potential so I got mad at her after that night I simply stopped going to science class altogether. Fuck that bitch lol. You wanna see me fail I'll show you fail.

Moral of the story evil teachers wont give a shit about you. Fuck em. Preserve yourself before anything else & also maybe dont listen to my advice school years were immensely damaging for me and I will have no positive or intelligent thoughts about it ever. Idk what the point of this post was but I think seeing shit abt wasted potential made me go rabid

#dagger.txt #long post #personal #feel free to rb idc

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archiephd · 2 years

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not my sister thinking autism is a trauma response like ptsd or something 😐

#i get why someone might think that at some point maybe? especially if an autistic person has also experienced traumatizing events #but they are seperate things!! and she's heard Actual autistic people in her life refer to it as a genetic neurodivergency #not a fucking mentall illness #yet she still bold faced says she thinks autistic symptoms my brother experienced were Explicitly Because he was abused #like yeah abuse and trauma can be extra traumatizing for autistic individuals because their autism is often interpreted as something else #and they can be even further punished for it #but they would still be fucking autistic if none of that shit happened either #idk why it's so fucking frustrating to hear #honestly it's probably literally just cause she's so confident about it like. she knows best due to her years of her own personal therapy #and like that's valid for Her experiences but that doesn't mean she gets to speak over literal actual autistic people ?#about their own experiences ?#like sorry her likely having undiagnosed adhd doesn't give her a free pass to equate herself as a talksperson for all neurodivergencies #idk. i am way too angry about this actually dbjsjs i will blame it on sleep deprivation <3 #i guess it's just. the assumption that autism wouldn't exist in a perfect world u know?#that it's a result of trauma and not a Neutral way to exist #idk. i'm too stress compromised to be venting abt this lol #vent cw #j.txt

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thebibliosphere · 3 years

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There’s a youtuber I watch, I won’t mention her cause I don’t want people giving her shit in the comments (not that I think most of you would, but y’know, it’s the Internet) and she’s recently got on this really... anti-tech bend in which she is referring to her enjoyment of cell phone usage as an “addiction”. And while for sure being constantly wired and “on” is harmful, especially doom scrolling twitter, the things she is describing doesn’t sound like addiction to me, but rather ADHD brains seeking dopamine feedback. And honestly? Making broad, sweeping comments like “cell phones are so harmful, and if you can’t just sit still and be present in the moment you have an addiction” is... making me very uncomfortable.

Like, you want me to pay attention to something? Sure, I can do that. For limited amounts of time. You want my sustained attention for hours? Not gonna happen. Unless I’m hyperfixating, nothing is going to hold my attention span for hours on end. And generally speaking, people enjoy the initial upswing of my fixations, but they don’t enjoy the prolonged outcome of me neglecting to self care for eight hours straight because my brain decided this is the only thing I’m going to focus on to the point where I forget to eat, drink, sleep, or even go to the bathroom. So when people tell me they want my undivided attention, I like to tell them they really don’t.

What I can give you however, is a rational amount of attention with the aid of things like stim and fidget toys to keep my brain from wandering for the duration of whatever we’re doing. Sometimes that can even look like scrolling mindlessly on my phone. Speaking personally, most of my attention will be on what you’re saying. I’m just giving my brain background noise to focus on while I actually process what you’re saying/doing.

And you know what? Learning to both do this and accept that I need to do this and I’m not a horrible person for not being able to 100% focus unaided, has been actively helpful and healthful for my mental health. I get fewer ADHD meltdowns, which yeah, can occur with both over stimulation and under stimulation as well.

My brain needs some of that instant gratification because it’s dopamine starved. And what might be a problem for some people, and I genuinely believe it is... Making these sweeping statements about addiction, which is a very serious mental health issue, and making it part of your “I shun technology” spiel you’re on while running a business through YouTube is... not as sincere as you perhaps hope it is. But of course, it’s the shunning of technology as evil, so the comments are just filled with “god, you’re so right, we should all go back to before we had smart technology”, inevitably posted from an iphone with absolutely zero self awareness or sense of irony.

And then when I brought up ADHD and neurodivergency in the discord it was liked I’d just asked “who wants to kick puppies?!” and ended up muting the thread because it was easier to peace out than listen to the whole “you don’t have ADHD, sweety, you’re just highly sensitive” bullshit that is becoming more and more common in these types of groups.

Idk, the whole thing just... rubbed me the wrong way. Especially because the things she were labeling as “signs of addiction”, said in such a scandalized manner, were actually hallmarks of what I now recognize as neurodivergency. And while addiction is a major problem with ADHD—specifically with unmedicated and undiagnosed individuals who have been forced to try and rectify their lack of dopamine on their own—shunning what are honestly harmless coping mechanisms is not going to help those people.

So you check twitter while watching TV. So what? Oh, you checked your phone ten times a day? So what? Is it actively harming you? Is it harming your mental health? Are you doom scrolling? Is it harming those around you? Are you idealizing Instagram too much and putting yourself down? Then yeah, those are bad. Maybe work on that.

But also maybe consider you might just blaming the phone for other problems in your life you’re not addressing cause it’s easier to blame technology than it is to even consider for one second you might have ADHD.

Idk. Thanks for coming to my rambling TED talk. I’m off to read a book while listening to a podcast about a different book.

#adhd #rambling #long post

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lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks · 3 years

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If you ever do write for Dash, what direction would you go with him? What would his motivations be?

(I like seeing him as a closeted romantic who drinks the toxic masculinity kool-aid and Danny is his "favorite" because he has feelings for him and that just makes him more insecure and angry, but I don't think that would be fun for you)

oooh I feel like Dash very much fits into the category of someone who has been moulded by his expectations

canonically we know that he collects teddy bears, and has a tiny dog named uhhh Pooky? I think? he's clearly got a soft side that he keeps very firmly closeted (literally in the teddy bear case)

I thought maybe his obsession with football could be a parental influence, the cliché football dad pushing him in one direction, but that's boring and overused, I want him to have a dad like the Coach from trollhunters tbh, big Sport Man but also Super Nice and Supportive, mean jock having nice parents is a dynamic I really dig

so then I thought, this would have to be either self imposed expectations or pressure from friends or the school, Dash has mentioned multiple times in the canon that he has a very bleak outlook for his future, he has very little confidence in his abilities outside of football

I propose that Dash struggles so much in school that he has to rely on football as his one only ticket to success, maybe he has an undiagnosed learning disorder or dyslexia, something that's made it almost impossible to study properly and learn at the same level as other kids, leading him to rely on his physical prowess alone as a career option

and his whole attitude wouldn't be solely because he has learning difficulties (that's rarely a reason or excuse for treating people like shit and also a stereotype I don't wanna lean into) it's more that he's surrounded himself with other jocks who've built this toxic environment that made him bury his shit deep down and he's become afraid to ask for help for fear of ridicule

he doesn't force other kids to do his homework because he has a learning disability, he forces kids into doing his homework instead of asking for help because he's been taught that asking for help is for losers, the behaviour is a direct result of his social group and the education system failing him by not looking more deeply into his struggles, teachers will just always assume he's lazy and not ask further questions

so he struggles in school without understanding why, relies on football as the One Thing he can do well, but falls into that awful jock mentality that makes him a pretty shitty person, but he can't get out of that because he relies on being good at football, he can't lose his place on the team or the respect of his teammates, it's all he has, he is trapped in that toxic cesspool

so he walks like them, talks like them, shoves other kids around like them, and when he finally starts to realise there might be a reason he's struggling, he keeps his mouth shut about it because he doesn't want to get special treatment because he doesn't want people to know, because teenagers are fucking awful and his 'friends' would absolutely give him hell about it

I'm sure his parents would have figured something out eventually and that's why he ends up being tutored by Jazz, maybe she was willing to research his issues and work with him to find a way to manage it discreetly

so I don't think Dash would have been an awful guy by nature, I think if he hadn't lumped himself into a bad crowd he wouldn't be so insecure and wouldn't have to take it out on anyone, I think he really does like soft things and cute things and little animals and he absolutely has a secret instagram full of softcore vibes, and he's probably really sweet to his parents and behind closed doors

I also think the only friend he's open to about this is Kwan because Kwan is also Peak Soft Boy but he struggles to hide it, which is why in the one ep where Danny was given a place at the popular table, Kwan was the first guy they kicked out, Dash probably felt pretty bad about that but he couldn't let the other guys think he was going soft, they all voted Kwan and he felt like he had to follow suit, otherwise it would be him next time

I think he picks Danny as a target because Danny is probably a lot smarter than he looks, Dash might have been stuck sitting next to him at some point in middle school and watched Danny scribble out his work at the last minute and still get pretty decent marks

it probably pisses him off that Danny is so clearly really smart but just can't be bothered doing the work properly (when really Danny is adhd as hell and struggles in his own different ways)

so Dash picks him to do all his homework, because he knows Danny can do it, and he thinks Danny deserves it for wasting the skills Dash wishes he had

and Danny does it, because he's scared of Dash and also because it keeps Dash from shoving him in his locker tomorrow, he'll do the damn homework because he just wants to get through the day

Dash probably gets a whole lot worse once the events of the show take place because Danny was barely managing to get everything done to begin with but now with a chronically disrupted schedule via ghost shenanigans, he can barely get his own homework done let alone Dash's

which is why Dash gets extra personal about it, Danny is once again wasting his potential, he's failing his classes because Dash can only assume he's being a lazy piece of shit, instead of being a cripplingly exhausted neurodivergent superhero

honestly if his teachers had picked up on his difficulties early and he was given the help he needed he could focus on more than just football and not be stuck completely relying on that social group, he probably wouldn't even resent Danny, I like to think that he eventually starts to mellow out halfway through high school as people start to grow up and become less petty

I like to think he chases down Danny after graduation and gives a genuine apology for how he treated him, once he's come to understand himself a little better (talking to Jazz really helped), Danny doesn't forgive him right away, but is willing to let Dash earn his forgiveness by proving he has really changed, he probably gets involved in support groups for troubled kids as a way of atoning, keeps the cycle from repeating

so yeah those are my Dash thoughts, a soft boy by nature who's the victim of a shitty education system and toxic masculinity, but he comes out the other side alright

#asks #lula's headcanons #danny phantom #dash baxter #I am both Dash and Danny tbh #I'm almost 100% certain I have dyscalculia #I got brutally humiliated for asking a question in math class in my first year of high school #NEVER ASKED A QUESTION AGAIN #I JUST S U F F E R E D

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bitter-sweet-coffee · 2 years

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if you don't mind me asking (and feel free to delete if you don't want to answer) would you give any advice to writing autistic characters?

i'd love to! now as a general disclaimer i am not the only autistic person in the world and i have other diagnoses (adhd, mood disorders, cpstd, the costco assorted mix, etc...) BUT i will do my best with what i can say generally about autistic experiences that aren't as touched upon and more internal so it helps to consider these perspectives when writing

1. inexplainable constant distress for anyone undiagnosed, or self disgnosed (coming from someone who was both of those things at one point). if your character doesn't know they're autistic or doesn't feel validated with self diagnosis, the internal loathing and disconnect honestly sometimes might feel like disreality. the "something is wrong i know something is wrong i'm different i am missing something i am fucking up somehow but i literally don't know what else to do and no one understands i don't belong here maybe i'm just too fucked up and shouldn't belong here" isn't just teen angst, it's awful imposter syndrome. anyone whose been neglected in whatever form will feel this way, but with autism and other social neurodivergencies it's different because it's being aware you're socially ostracized but not having the skillset to express why or change it, all in a self-fucking loop

2. it's not about being oblivious to something like a label or social cue/custom, it's not seeing the logic behind it. for example, i have done years of gender studies and queer theory! i understand that gender has been categorized into multiple assessments (biological sex, gender presentation, gender roles, pronouns, etc...) but i can't define gender. i understand why people say all these things define gender but it can never be exclusively defined as ANY of these so it's none of them by definition. therefore, i don't understand gender and therefore it doesn't exist, but that's not me being oblivious. this is a huge social example but you get the vibe

3. on a similar note: WE OVERTHINK A LOT. when autistic people ask you to be direct and you don't, so they ask 400 questions or get overwhelmed or miss the mark? yeah, just be direct. it's not that we don't understand the different responses it's having to logically deduct what thing to do since there are millions of correct responses and social cues but we don't always know which is the best, and sometimes the one we think is perfect is not socially acceptable. for example, if someone i know has lost a loved one i will say something like "tell me what you need/want me to do to alleviate or accompany the feelings you have right now. this isn't pressure to talk about it, nor do i expect anything i say or do to fix everything going on right now because it's also about time and the journey of grief, but i appreciate you immensely and want to help however i can, so tell me exactly what my role is" etc etc. "sorry for your loss" makes me scream inside so i never say it because it's fake and empty, so i get in shit for not saying it lmao. it doesn't have to be serious too, like sometimes i ask my friends for the schedule of their day so i know when to message them or schedule my own work so we can optimize interactions when wanted. on that:

4. low social meter. not exclusive to autism but your character definitely needs a firm limit (it can be longer than an introvert who doesn't have a neurodivergency or mental illness that makes them introverted but the character still needs a meter that's different than the standard). mine is extremely low for a lot of factors but it is exhausting to socialize even if you love it and want to!

5. this is a tough one for some people, even autistic writers: don't overdo the "quirky" and well known traits or behaviours. not just stuff like the outdated negatively portrayed stims (head banging, flapping, no understanding of sarcasm for comedy) but also newer stuff: the overdoing it on texture stims, the safe clothes, the special interests, the fidget toys (for adhd and autism) the sensory overload, etc... like yeah absolutely include these, but it's so uh, performative or on then nose ig? as soon as these things are labelled it just feels icky in my experience because why? why do we need to use labelled autistic terms when writing about autistic characters? that's like using queer discourse terminology in casual fictional dialogue unironically... idk. this is a personal preference but i 1000% prefer "show not tell" and labelless stuff because it's almost fetishy when described directly, it's reducing the experience to an autistic thing which makes it objective representation and also excludes people who either a) don't know they're autistic and b) people who aren't autistic and feel disconnected from a character if the labels don't match up!

for example, when i code shadow as autistic (he's literally neurodivergent from a creational standpoint but i feel weird calling him autistic outright because he's an experiment) i don't label things as a sensory meltdown, or a stim. remember point 3? MASSIVE advantage for "show not tell" writing. here's an example that's admittedly too direct for my liking, but still an example even if it's a sloppy one:

THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF ADVICE: don't create an autistic character for the sake of their autism. write a character, and then see how being autistic might alter or form their behaviour (the connection to their hobbies is more introspective and representative of their feelings than asking them how they feel, the clothes they wear in different scenes reflect their comfort zone and emotions in a physical way, their nonverbal behaviour is mentioned in prose, their dialogue is more all over the place or blunt depending on how comfortable they are with a person or how long they've already been socializing: hint: both of these binary mods of conversation can be both a good or bad sign!).

basically, the best way to write an autistic character imo is to write a character who happens to be autistic without inserting dsm-5 criteria or constantly using terms from the autistic community! making a fully fleshed out, realistic, three dimensional character is already a difficult feat, but the process for writing an autistic character is hardly any different. good luck!!! 😁💕

#bsc words #longpost

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thechangeling · 3 years

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Ok this is me trying to create a master list for my fanfiction. These aren't in chronological order and some of them are really old.

Helen Blackthorn:

I was the one who found him

Ty and Helen oneshot before the ending scene in LOS.

Be wise enough to wonder, be brave and let it go

Helen and Mark reflect on their childhoods.

Fire

Helen learns what Jace said in COHF and goes off.

Haline:

I'm at your mercy

R-rated haline post-date fic.

Don't let the basterds get you down

Helen is having a bad day, luckily Aline is there for her.

Kierarktina:

I don't care if I'm forgiven

A continuation of the Kiertina infirmary scene.

The lucky ones

Kierarktina proposal fic.

You have found two

Cristina breaks down and Tessa knows exactly what to say to comfort her. Polyam pride y'all.

And maybe one day I'll get around to fixing myself too

An exploration of enneagram Two Cristina Mendoza Rosales.

Six of crows:

I feel safe in the 5 am light

Six of crows Kanej fic.

Kit character peices:

For better or worse, I am alive

Kit struggles with depression.

Say my name or I won't survive

Kit comes out to Jessa as nonbinary.

Shame

Kit reflects on his life and his sexual orientation

She burns like rum on a fire

Kit deals with abuse

What's in your head

5 times Kit didn't realize he had ADHD.

Part 2

...and the one time he did.

According to you

Kit struggling with undiagnosed ADHD. Ft. Janessa.

Kitty fics:

When no one's watching part 1

When Kit gets seriously injured, Ty comes to see him.

Part 2

Kit wakes up.

The day the earth stood still

Kitty's first meeting from Ty's pov.

Eutony in a whisper

Genderbent kitty

There's nothing to be afraid of

The first fic I ever wrote when I was 18! Set before QOAAD, Kit goes to see Magnus for help.

The Game: A ten things I hate about you Au.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

The one thing you can never do

Kitty reunion on the roof.

Kitty fluff

Just some sweet morning kitty fluff.

Kitty snippet

Just a snippet, not a full fic.

Out of our heads. Out of our minds.

Ty misses Kit, but he's seeing Anush. Terrible decisions are made.

Ty's letter to Kit

Ty writes to Kit during TWP.

Lost and Found

Kit and Ty reunion. Only Ty gets to say his peice.

No one's gonna take you away from me

Kit and Ty are being adorable, happy and in love, until Julian walks in.

Power

In a world full of chaos, Ty attempts to remain in control. Featuring sex favorable Kit Herondale.

Tell me a story

Ty doesn't believe in fate

But you like her better: Part 1 Part 2

Kit has a new girlfriend. Ty might be jealous.

If I keep my eyes closed: Chapter 1

Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

Chapter 6: FINAL CHAPTER!

5 times people saw Ty wearing the Herondale necklace and thought Kit and Ty were dating, and the one time they were actually right.

I will pull you so close

Kitty being adorable and stargazing together. Based on Venus by SAL.

Pitch black, pale blue

Kit's internal struggle as he deals with his feelings for Ty, based on Neptune by SAL.

My armour falls apart

Ty is determined to protect Kit. No matter what.

All I wanted

Kit and Livvy's kiss from Ty's pov.

Terrified with the lights out: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Ty is dying from his connection to Livvy's ghost. But Kit is determined to save him, whatever the cost.

I wash my mouth out, but still taste you

Fwb kitty. These dumbasses do not know how to communicate.

Ty character peices:

The Box

Ty dealing with trauma, disassociation and ableism. Features my OC Alyssa.

Love

Ty deals with some dark shit.

Ty's vows

Ty's wedding vows to Kit. I honestly think this is the best fic I've ever written.

Enough

Ty needs to get his mind off of Kit. Features my OC Alyssa.

I used to say that there was no such thing as we

Ty meets another autistic person at the scholomance and they bond.

The island of misfit toys

Christmas at the Scholomance.

The Changeling

Ty and Kieran talk about identity

Tell me I'm wrong

Ty breaks down in front of Livvy

Five

Christopher Lightwood leaves a letter that Ty finds, and quickly realizes it was meant for him.

Not the only freak

Ty has worries. Alyssa eases his mind.

Seven days

Ty's log of his attempts at sobriety.

The wall

Ty learns that he is autistic.

Oh love, I'm sorry if I smothered you

After seeing Kit at Blackthorn hall, Ty breaks down.

OC POVS:

Little Girl

Character exploration fic about my OC Alyssa.

Who we've been dying to become

A fic about Alyssa and Kit being enneagram fours and bonding over it.

Me and I are not friends

A character peice on my OC Lizzie

Your heartbeat is disguised as mine

One shot about my OC Janessa and her friendship with Kit.

Friend make sense of me

On her way to meet up with Ty, Alyssa meets Jaime Rosales...

I remember the minute

Janessa opens up to Kit about her past

Loveless

Alyssa teaches Ty to dance and lets herself love again.

Not gonna write you a love song

Future generation:

Alyssa Reyes is lonely. But not for the reasons people think.

I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror

Alyssa seeks out Kieran in her time of need.

Aimless

A story about aged up Mina Carstairs.

Despair

Part 2 of Aimless

The Fall

One shot about my OC Gianna, the eldest Kierarktina child.

Thanessa:

Nightblooming

A oneshot between my OC Janessa and Thaís Pedroso. Janessa and Thaís go on their first date.

Only love

Thais confesses her feelings to Janessa.

The price of this so called perfection

Rule following, self-policing Thaís learns how to stand up for themself. Ft. Nonbinary, enneagram one Thaís.

Thaís' list

Thaís has a lot of things they can't stand about Janessa....

TLH:

Unbreak the broken

Alastair goes for a late night walk and tries to calm his chaotic mind. Ft. Autistic Alastair.

Wake up

Thomas decides to finally be honest with Alastair, and himself. Enneagram Nine Thomas.

Enneagram fics:

And maybe one day I'll get around to fixing myself too

An exploration of enneagram Two Cristina Mendoza Rosales.

Five

Christopher Lightwood leaves a letter that Ty finds, and quickly realizes it was meant for him.

Who we've been dying to become

A fic about Alyssa and Kit being enneagram fours and bonding over it.

The price of this so called perfection

Rule following, self-policing Thaís learns how to stand up for themself. Ft. Nonbinary, enneagram one Thaís.

I remember the minute

Janessa opens up to Kit about her past.

Wake up

Thomas decides to finally be honest with Alastair, and himself. Enneagram Nine Thomas.

#Fae's masterlist #fanfic

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naivesilver · 3 years

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Top five Pinocchio moments, go!! Be as long winded as you want you know i’m here to listen babey

* cracks knuckles * OH BOY, HERE WE GO

Since you specified I could go on for as long as I wanted, you're going to get the the extremely detailed version of whatever opinion I discover to have while I type this, as is apparently the case every time I answer a Pinocchio ask

Let's go, then!

(Under the cut because it got EVEN LONGER than I'd expected ajsdgfg)

1) Pinocchio's first night in the world

This is the scene that stuck with me the most when I was a kid and first read the book. There's something deeply haunting about the way Collodi describes hunger, and the stormy weather and gloomy atmosphere really set the mood when it comes to picturing this kid (who is fundamentally an asshole but also a scared little boy who's been alive for less than 24 hours) trying to navigate the world on his own.

Also, I've always been intrigued by the concept of him burning his feet and what comes after. Not only because it seems a cruel way to start one's life, but because the fact that part of his body can be ruined and replaced as easily as that...It's kind of mindboggling, isn't it? Pinocchio feels pain in an on-and-off way throughout the entire way, when he's being strangled and caught in a trap and not when he's being stabbed, but I'd wager having one's feet burned should rank above all that, right? Instead he sleeps through it, and doesn't even flinch at having new limbs attached to his body. And 8yo me already wanted to know if the feet would feel foreign to him, since they came from an entirely different piece of wood.

I dunno, I really wish I could poke Carlo himself awake and demand an answer sometimes.

2) The Land of Toys and what led to it

This might sound like an obvious choice, given how vocal I am about my love for Lampwick as a character, but I have been doing some thinking about it and I have even more reasons to mention it.

Sure, Lampwick is an huge explanation of why I would pick it - jackass boy is extremely lovable from the very first second, and his relationship with Pinocchio is both sweet and tragic at the same time. They're friends! Lampwick is his closest friends despite everything! I'm tearing up just thinking about it!

But also, the Land of Toys as a whole. I recently finally put my finger on why the Disney version of it left a bitter aftertaste on my tongue, and it's because they missed the entire point of it, as they did with basically every other aspect of the movie (except Figaro, Figaro can stay).

The Land is supposed to be an eerie, Neverland-esque place where children go to escape responsibilities. Lampwick and Pinocchio spent all their time eating their fill and having parties, making friends with everyone, not breaking down stuff. Pleasure Island was all about doing "adult", forbidden things, but it's hardly believable that a XIX century boy, on the cusp of being considered grown enough to take on grown-up duties and harder labor, would want to accelerate the process - they would hope to stay children a little bit longer, and pay the price for it.

I just wish this aspect was talked about more often, alright.

3) Pinocchio throwing a hammer at the Cricket

Y'all know how it is. So cathartic - I have never reached a high level of self-satisfaction comparable to that, except maybe when the disaster that was GOT season 7 rolled in and we were blessed with the hilarious "how do you answer these charges...Lord Baelish" scene, which had me hollering for weeks.

The Cricket is an asshole. He deserved it, and he didn't even fucking die for all that trouble. Let's move on.

4) Eugene's demise (and follow-up Fairy bullshit)

Okay listen. Listen. This sequence is infuriating. Your father has been lost at sea, some kids tell you the creature who took him could be close, you end up getting framed for (presumed) murder, nearly caught by police, almost fried like a fish, and your mother leaves you half naked with a foot embedded in a door all night and tells you it's your last chance at being on your best behavior??? And nobody says shit about it??? It's frankly ridiculous.

But Pinocchio's tolerance for pain comes into the picture again, and poor Eugene gets bludgeoned over the head for character development, and once I had a discussion with someone over the fact that while Pinocchio's nose grows when he rejects the fisherman's insults over himself, it stays the same when he says that he rubbed against a wall to turn so white, so the hypothesis could be made that the lying thing only works when he's saying good things about himself. That concept still lives rent free in my head, because it opens the door to SO MANY angsty threads of thought.

Also this scene validates my need to dump the Fairy in the river near my house, so. Way to ruin a child's life, bastard.

And on this thread...

5) The Fairy blatantly lying about her health (and failing in her attempt to make me worry for her)

We're towards the end of the book, and yet this woman won't relent on her idiocy. Isn't it wonderful when a mother sends someone to tell her son that she's on the brink of death, but it's just a test for him to prove his worth? Truly heartwarming /s.

But honestly, the point of this choice is that when I first read the book, not only was I really puzzled about this scene, but also the old Italian of the original story unintentionally makes it very funny. You see, the Fairy is supposed to be lying in an hospital bed (HA, I fucking wish), but the way it's worded makes it sound like she's "at the bottom" of an hospital bed, which has always brought to my mind the picture of this woman looking very small at the bottom of a bed that's as deep as a well. Very little has stuck with me as vividly as this image has, fifteen years and counting.

+ Bonus: Japanese-German cartoon Pinocchio being an ADHD icon

This doesn't count as it's not in the book proper, but in the Piccolino No Bouken show (my beloved) Pinocchio is homeschooled by the Fairy in her house in the woods instead of going to school which has inspired my own Lampwick fic on the matter, and there is a scene where this poor idiot is trying to sit through his schoolwork and not only his brain won't cooperate, but his legs start moving on their own and forcing him to run up and down instead. When I tell you that little undiagnosed neurodivergent me had an epiphany on that day...So many adaptations could NEVER.

Also the PNB Fairy is literally one of the worst versions I have ever seen, but I digress.

#freenklin-labby #ask meme #pinocchio #back to my bullshit as usual #ngl I probably have a list of adaptation scenes that live rent free in my mind as well #or a worst fairy ranking #I could go on all day #well not now bc I am so tired I can't even be sure this is correct english #but tomorrow

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cookinguptales · 4 years

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A long post about having undiagnosed ADHD as a little girl. And how we all need to talk a hell of a lot more about Reaction Sensitive Dysphoria.

(cw: mental illness, childhood punishment, discussions of childhood self-harm & suicidal ideation)

When I was a little girl, I was a crybaby. I didn’t know why I’d cry all the time. I just did. Everything always felt catastrophic, even if it was just a disagreement over what to play with my friends. People called me manipulative. I got made fun of at school. I was sent to the school therapist. Hell, the only time I ever had to go to the principal’s office, I was in kindergarten and would not. stop. crying. I was literally sent to the principal’s office for crying too much.

(Note. How did I respond to that? I cried. A lot.)

Here are a few examples of things that made me feel like the world was ending:

Once I came home sobbing and my parents asked me what was wrong. Why was I crying? Because the other kids had called me a crybaby.

Once at daycare (around age six), some older boys were making effigies of their teachers out of play-doh and then smushing them and convinced me to join in. The minute I did, they told me that they were telling my teacher, which made me about lose my damn mind.

I was a voracious reader and often ran out of reading material. Once I sneaked some of my mother’s romance novels that she’d left in the bathroom for light reading. They were Very Adult. I was so scared she’d find out and scold me for reading sexually explicit books.

Now, my parents think these are kind of funny stories. They say that I was very cute. But in truth, I was a nervous wreck. My life was pretty good in most ways, but I’d have these moments that just felt like cascading catastrophes. Anytime someone criticized me or my work or my ideas, the sky would just come crashing down. I’d cry so hard I couldn’t breathe. I’d cry so hard I threw up. I grew out of the crying by about age nine, but that sickening feeling of failure never really left.

About 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Severe ADHD. I believe the doctor’s exact words were “I don’t even know how you graduated from high school”. They tried me on ADHD medicine but it made my heart go dokidoki so I just had to live with being unmedicated. I wasn’t told a lot about ADHD at that point, or how ADHD symptoms differ for women, so I just kind of assumed that it was just focus and that’s it. Brain fog wasn’t exactly new to me, what with my other illnesses, so I figured I’d just live with it.

But about a year ago, I learned about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a fairly common symptom of ADHD that no one ever told me about in my goddamn life! It essentially means that when you are criticized (or perceive something as criticism) by others or by yourself, your brain goes into absolute hyperdrive. You go from zero to “everyone hates me and I deserve that and probably don’t deserve to live too because I am just the worst” over like. literally nothing. And it’s not just like a mental thing you can train yourself out of. It’s characterized by actual physical pain. Y’all, I have anxiety and depression and this is not the same thing. This is your whole body seizing up and your brain going into a maelstrom that’s fairly similar to a panic attack.

Here’s the less cute side to all of those stories:

I had very few friends, and the friends I did have thought I was annoying and manipulative. The more I cried, the more kids stayed away from me.

After the Play-Doh incident, I cried for days. Days. And I was scared of my teacher for weeks. My parents laughed it off as a cute child thing, but none of it was cute for me. The older boys forgot about it by the next day, but it haunted my interactions with that teacher for weeks. It interfered with my education. I was a nervous wreck at school. I was so scared that she would hate me. That I’d be singled out in class. That I’d fail and my whole education would be upended and I’d fail out of school and my parents would hate me too and my life would be over. That’s... a lot for a six year old.

Those romance novels? That was a closely guarded secret that I kept for years. For literal years, I was afraid she’d somehow find out that I’d read those books. I would think of it when I was nine, ten, eleven years old and my whole body would stiffen up. I’d occasionally throw up. I cried about what might happen if my parents ever found out. Would they hate me forever? Yes, probably. They’d never love me again. I was a bad child. I finally told my mom about it a few months ago. I was 29. A small part of me was still scared I’d get in trouble. (My mom laughed about it; she was just like ‘wow, I should have put those books up higher’.)

When I was six, I went to an aftercare at a neighbor’s house for a while. (This predated the other daycare.) One day, one of the kids at aftercare didn’t get off the bus. The lady asked if anyone knew where he was. Trying to be helpful, I said I thought I’d seen him on the bus. (And like -- I really did think I did. But I was six and six year olds are uhhh not smart.) Surprise! He’d actually left school early for a dr’s appt. But she thought he’d missed his bus stop and spent like an hour on the phone figuring out what happened. And y’all. When she realized he hadn’t been on that bus, she was furious. When my other neighbor picked me up for my mom that evening, the lady told her that I was a bad child who’d purposefully lied to scare her. She said I wasn’t allowed to come back. And ohhh guys. I begged my neighbor not to tell my mom. (She did.) And then I begged my mom not to tell my dad. She was honestly kind of alarmed at how vehement I was about dad not knowing. (I was like a shaking, sobbing mess.) She asked me what I thought would happen. idk. Maybe he’d hit me. (My parents never hit me.) Maybe he’d throw me out of the house. Maybe he’d never talk to me again. He’d definitely stop loving me. I was so bad. So, so bad. I was a bad child. No one would ever love me. I was a worthless, bad child.

In short, I was hysterical.

When my parents finally talked to me about it, it was less of a talk about consequences and more talking me off the fucking ledge. They weren’t that concerned about the actual incident; they figured out pretty quickly that I’d just made a mistake. A temporarily scary one, but a mistake all the same. (I basically never misbehaved, so they were kind of confused by the whole situation, honestly.) But they were very concerned about my reaction to it. I knew they loved me, right? I knew that they wouldn’t hurt me, right? Why did I think that was a possibility?

I didn’t know. I still don’t know. It wasn’t rational. It was just my brain exploding into a thousand tiny pieces.

This is not a memory my mom laughs about. I think it really genuinely disturbed her. She’s still angry at that aftercare neighbor for doing that to me. As an adult, I realize that the person who actually fucked up in that scenario was the boy’s mother, who didn’t call to alert aftercare that he wouldn’t be coming. (Funnily enough, that boy’s mother was my first grade teacher -- the one I was so terrified of. Small town. I guess I was scared of her hating me, too.) But as a child, this wasn’t just bad. It was catastrophic. I genuinely considered hurting myself. I was six years old and I considered hurting myself. Suicidal ideation is often part and parcel with RSD. I’ve had to deal with that since elementary school.

RSD is real and it’s terrifying and it’s not unusual in children with ADHD. It’s still a problem that I struggle with. I’ve had friends not answer texts for a while and my brain just. assumes that I said something wrong. And now they hate me. Because I’m a bad person. And my whole body will shake. I’ll sweat. My stomach will roll. My chest will literally hurt like I’m having a heart attack. I still have to blink back those tears. Sometimes I’ll go for a walk to distract myself and burn off all that energy. Sometimes I’ll write a post like this. Sometimes I’ll just lie in bed. Shaking. Trying very hard not to think about doing Bad Things. It’s hard to say how it’ll go until it goes.

(Note: I’m okay right now! I was just talking about this with dad yesterday so I’ve been thinking about it.)

And this is not my friends’ fault! Or my family’s fault. This is no one’s fault. It’s just... mental illness, I guess. It’s hard to predict. Sometimes I can have a calm and reasonable discussion about my faults (which I fully admit exist) and sometimes someone disagrees with me on whether a tv show is good and my brain shits itself. (I’m dumb and stupid and this person probably hates me now! Because I didn’t love Avatar! Why did I open my big mouth? Now our whole relationship is ruined and I ruined it because I am a dumb relationship-ruiner!) Obviously, it gets worse when my physical and mental state is already fragile. I have a lot of chronic physical and mental illnesses, so like... it happens. But it’s very hard to predict, very hard to control, and all you can do is really talk yourself through it when it happens. Breathe. Focus on what’s real and what’s not. Distract yourself. Be as kind to your brain as you can because it will not be kind back.

Talk to people who love you. Try, whenever possible, to be one of those people.

idk. I wish I had concrete advice to finish this off. But it’s more just like... please learn to see the signs, especially in small children. I had far too many strong emotions for a child to figure out on her own. I really could have used some help. It’s too late for my childhood, but not for the other kids who are struggling with similar issues right now.

And if you read this and see yourself in it, do me a solid and talk to your doctor? Your brain might thank you one day.

#adhd #reaction sensitive dysphoria #RSD #just me #long post

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southern-belle-outcasts · 3 years

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✍ : Offer 3-5 tips on how to get other role players started on interacting with your muse.

✔ : What drew you to the character you currently play? What types of characters are you generally drawn to?

♫ : Are there parts of your own personality that you reflect onto your character? How do they work?

@distant-wcrlds

Getting started with me

Read bios of the muse your interested in (I don’t use ones for Cisco, Sara or Padmé just because whatever canon divergence I might have isn’t so major as to not just have someone read the wiki if they really don’t know who this character is). Rogue and the OCs are really...not optional reading? Like, there’s been multiple times I’ve had people send a meme with Rogue really injured and unless we’re intending to thread when she was literally a teenager...she can’t get hurt, she’s invulnerable. It’s literally canon so it’s not like I’ve made it up, but it’s included there along with the rest of her powers nonetheless just because some people aren’t fully familiar. That’s not a problem, I interact with canons I’m not fully familiar with either! Just seriously, read the bios first.

yeet a meme at me specifying the muse it’s for (I will probably end up messaging to clarify details since there’s not enough to go off of from bio, given we’ve had no interactions in this scenario, so that I can get a general direction aimed for. Sometimes I’ll just run with it and message after, depends on the nature of the meme) and do not be afraid to do so. I like having something to jumpstart my brain so memes are great, 10/10, send them.

Just message me. Skip the small talk and the awkward, it doesn’t have to be like that. Just message me with your ideas and shit. If you want more than barebones interactions that end up getting dropped because they’ve stagnated, we need to have communication to some degree and I’m never bothered by it. Hell, people can message me on discord whenever, I don’t care your timezone. My phone is on vibrate and night mode when I’m asleep (intentionally), you’re not disturbing me by messaging me. It gets me excited cuz it shows you actually give a shit about getting somewhere with what we’re writing.

What drew me to my character?

With any of them it’s their personality, wanting to know how they respond to certain situations. I don’t have a huge draw to people with their shit together, but I still do enjoy Padmé and Kaylee, they’re just not the typical for me. It’s a challenge to write them and I enjoy it, since I do want to expand my writing capabilities, same for writing my male characters, since those are not nearly as easy for me.

♫ : Are there parts of your own personality that you reflect onto your character? How do they work?

I work to not insert myself too much into any of my characters. I do pick them sometimes because of shared traits, but it’s not just casually putting myself onto them. That’s not to say you can’t ever draw from your own experiences or likes or anything. I think people here ‘don’t use your muses to live through’ and draw the conclusion you’re not allowed to pull from your own experiences at all and honestly that’s fucking stupid. Don’t insert into your muses as though it’s living your life through them, that’s how you end up with really dubious unconsented to online relationships, but you can definitely have a muse with similar interests or experiences and it not be a problem. I consider a ‘self-insert’ to be when someone’s treating it like their muse’s relationships are their own on the sly.

I like weaponry and have used it, I’ve done stunt fighting for videos as well as mixed wrestling, these are things that are really helpful when writing muses like Rogue, Sara, or Nilza when I’m trying to write action scenes, or what weapons they would use, etc. I’m a christopagan and witch, so I use knowledge from my studies there when writing the more supernatural aspect of Farrar and Nilza’s stories, same for Kaylee. Nilza’s self taught when it comes to her dog training, Saphira is well trained as that’s one of the ways that’s she’s been able to keep her safe and secret in scenarios that aren’t dog friendly. I’m a dog trainer and a lot of what I know was from self experimentation, research, and natural instinct. I see Rogue as being undiagnosed ADHD with is something I’ve struggled with so I’m able to relay that in writing. My own mom is abusive so it’s not hard to relate to that when writing Rogue either. Basically there’s little bits and life experiences I pull from to give life to shit.

#distant wcrlds #;out of the south #;little asks are made of gunpowder and lead #abuse tw

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actuallyrandomperson · 4 years

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s o I live in Victoria and we’re experiencing a second wave of covid. Restrictions have just been tightened again and honestly I’m ready to just fail year 12 now lmao, I know the gov is doing everything they can and are doing the best they can with the circumstances (also Dan Andrews has a son in year 12 so I know he’s got our best interests in mind, it’s why he avoided sending us back to remote learning for as long as he could) and we’re doing a fucktonne better than the USA but like. I did work for one subject over the last remote learning period and it was for Psychology, which I find a) easy and b) interesting enough that I’m planning on going into it as a career. Like I’m luckier than some given I’m just, generally pretty good w academic things? But I’m also not stable mental health wise and probably have undiagnosed adhd (but it could be my other mental health shit giving me overlapping symptoms, idrk but I recently looked at adhd presentation in afab people and just went 👀👀 as one of the things that made me think it wasn’t adhd was that I never fit the stereotype growing up so honestly who tf knows) and having no ‘immediate consequences’ to not doing work last time did Not Work For Me. I tried to stick to my normal school schedule, I made it to every single video call, but I handed in like 1 of the ‘weekly tasks’ last time and didn’t ever get in trouble for it except for in one subject. Part of that might be because I also have chronic fatigue syndrome (so they’re a lil easier on me) and am generally seen as a ‘responsible student’ esp as I have a good rapport with all my teachers, but whatever the reason, it meant my brain was like ‘oh ok so school doesn’t matter time to zone out and listen to a song on repeat for an hour and a half while staring at the desk thinking about nothing’

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scientistowengottlieb-newtkelly · 4 years

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10 Year Picrew

tagged by @cheesedemarco so i might as well do this hjskgjksjfjgk thanks bro 💕

2010

~2nd grade, 7-8 yrs old

- loved or thought they loved the color pink Wholeheartedly

- cats made Everything better, thought they might be part cat and loved to imagine that they were because they grew up around cats

- i legit don't know how no one thought "hm, something is Off with this one" but no one picked up on them being Different other than the kids smh so i got picked on a bit

- sisters kept asking if they were gay because they had a fixation on katy perry's "i kissed a girl". did not quite know what being gay was.

- put into a gifted program, got confused, never showed up to classes unless the teacher showed up to get them but thinking back was probably supposed to just leave

- like 2 close friends and that was It

- emotionally invested in binging animal planet docuseries'

- wants to be a vet when they grow up

- lots of really Weird ideas that thinking back on now just resulted in spending time alone and thinking or playing alone

- attention seeker :))) didn't receive any :)))))))

- "why are boys and girls treated so differently, i don't understand?? what makes me a girl??"

- polo.... ticks???

- first time cutting their hair "short" (bob cut, just above the shoulders, Loved It and then Hated It, wanted the mako mori haircut despite mako not existing yet)

- first signs of anxiety showed up around this time

2015 (pt. 1)

6th-7th grade, 12-13 yrs old

- sad emo bitch, honestly

- melodramatic as fuck, i would not be friends with them now if i knew them

- attention seeking at its worst

- anxiety at its worst

- lots of pushing people away and isolating from friends in fear of making things worse for them having to see me emotionally compromised in any way

- lots of having to talk people down because they managed to make friends with probably over half of the school's Depressed Children population and had even more online

- first boyfriend, didn't turn out hjskgjskg peer pressured into a few firsts actually

- loved loved loved black veil brides and h*talia/anime in general, do not come for me and do not ask for details, i will deny ever existing during this time period

- first discovers the lgbtq community

- first makes an instagram account

- first discovers what fandom and fanfics are

- first writes fanfics like a fucking madman, literally could pull three short fics out of their ass every day, edited and everything, but never posted them out of fear of rejection and criticism

- really REALLY wants to be an author but doesn't have any kind of faith in themself or their ability

- makes friends who like their writing and latches onto them for the next Ever (still friends with them now 🥰)

- couldn't manage their obsessions with fiction and it negatively affected their life in a few ways

- first girlfriend, still miss her as a friend, but didn't turn out because they still had a lot of Emotions they didn't know how to process

- joins kik and makes a lifelong friend and qpp :))

- finally let themself say fuck. come on bb u can do it just not in front of ur parents ok?

- "i HATE politics that shit is SO ANNOYING and i will NEVER be political ùmú rawr xd >:((((("

- maybe like two other girlfriends or so, was Really Just Going Thru It, Wanted To Find Themself (and also didn't know how to say no to people in fear of disappointment)

- noticable difficulty keeping track in school compared to before

- miles mckenna

- "wait, you can trans your gender?"

2015 (pt. 2)

7th grade, 13 yrs old

- still probably wouldn't be friends with them but better than before

- mom upon being asked to let me cut my hair in the "ellen cut": BUT YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN???

- my reaction, still partially in the closet: YES. AND???

- technically out as genderfluid and pan, did nothing to actually insinuate they wanted to shift what pronouns people used for them because "Oh But What A Burden That Would Be On Others :("

- happier with themselves but still Going Thru It because they didn't know how to put their feelings into words yet

- also a constantly fear of being perceived as annoying or a nuisance

- touch aversion appeared out of seemingly nowhere, got worse over the course of the next two years or so

- sleep deprivation ×1000000000

- more school difficulties,,,

2020

high school senior, nearly 18 yrs old

- successfully transed their gender... mostly. almost 2 years on t. will probably never be out as nonbinary to most family. but at least they have a mullet-in-progress

- been in therapy for somewhere over 2 years, maybe close to 3??

- somewhat learned how to say no and stand up for themself and has removed toxic people from their life successfully :))

- actually has some semblance of confidence!!! you go bitch!!! comfortable in their body after t once they realized their remaining dysphoria was almost strictly social

- emotionally good but physically and mentally running on fumes and fixations

- has come to realize that they probably have undiagnosed adhd and that their therapist needs to get bent because he keeps telling them "no" and then after they talk to him about it he goes "ok maybe..." with no real answer, thanks roger 💕

- overly friendly???? just wants to make people smile and this time knows that if they don't that it's okay because at least they got to smile about it

- fixated HEAVILY on pacific rim and iasip, and torchwood (but mostly just on charlie day and burn gorman BECAUSE of pacific rim hjskgjskjgkahgkg)

- trying to get back into writing fics so hard but things just do no be coming as easily as they once did

- "i type in all lowercase because i FUCKING HATE CAPITALISM"

- probably a maoist idk i'm still Learning new things every day

- manages to actually run a tumblr blog and make friends without having borderline panic attacks??? fun times y'all

- extremely grateful to see how far they've managed to get :)

sorry for uhhhhh putting my life's story on here LMAO anyway. i tag ummmmm anyone who sees this and wants to do it!!! here's the picrew!!! have fun!!!

#rowboat speaks #faceboat

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bomberqueen17 · 4 years

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themardbard replied to your post “writing with a lil backlog”

Hey dude take your time if you need it! Don't rush your storytelling for anyone else. Take as much time as you need, we'll all still be here!

Oh, no, that wasn’t what I was complaining about at all-- I’m doing this at the pace that suits me, which is, of course, as fast as possible for the writing, because I don’t really want to be doing anything else, but. No, I’m posting at a very deliberate pace, and actually doing it this way gives me a bit of freedom-- I can say to myself, “I’m going away this weekend and won’t get anything written, why don’t I push this update back a tiny bit, and then the next one can be a bit later, and then I’ll have had time to finish the scene”.

I was just complaining that the scene was taking a long time to grind itself out, as often happens when I want something specific to happen. Action sequences are hard because you have to kind of choreograph them, and the rough blocking that works effortlessly for a conversation can be really stressful for action because honestly-- I saw a post about this a while ago, actually, and was like that is spot-on but didn’t reblog it I don’t think-- the hardest thing about writing, the very hardest thing about writing, is the down-to-earth details of simple physical blocking. How do you get someone up and out the door, with breakfast, to the important meeting? How do you make sure the important things happen in the battle scene? You’ve got all this mundane physical-object shit to keep track of (did i say which hand her sword is in? how do you hold a sword really? how do i describe that so it sounds like i know what i’m talking about? how do I make sure the guy who she needs to see get killed is within eyeshot?) Because you’ve got to do all this mundane-detail-wrangling while also making sure your scene is conveying the larger arcs and themes you need it to-- is she growing as a character from this? which direction? am I making the point that war is hell or that war is futile or that war is noble, or am I being as dispassionate as possible? which highlighted detail does that better? cut the others.

It all gets easier with practice but it doesn’t necessarily get faster.

And, for me, as an apparently undiagnosable sufferer of ADHD (i spent a good chunk of time trying to get medical help for this and got nowhere), I have to keep in mind the semi-functional formulae I’ve discovered for myself over the years, where I have to push against some resistance from my not-entirely-functional brain, but I also have to listen to it. I can’t trust it entirely, but most of the time its instincts are correct about something, and I have to figure out what. I’ve spent thirty years, on and off, trying to write to outlines, trying to teach myself to do what other people do, and that doesn’t work; I feel like in these last couple I’ve finally managed to discover how I most effectively can produce the long works of fiction that have been living in my heart this whole time, but it’s still not an exact science, and I don’t always know why. My brain doesn’t mean to fight me, and mostly it does what I want very, very well-- but sometimes it sends me haring off down a 250,000-word path that it can’t come up with an ending to, and nobody likes that.

Anyway I started my first novel, very deliberately, in pencil on paper, at age 10, and I never finished that one but I have finished some since then. And I might finish this one. And that’d be great. Maybe I’m getting the hang of this.

#themardbard #writing #about the author

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goddammitstacey · 5 years

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Hey sooo i figured since this is what being on anon is for.. can u tell me a little about what it was like to be diagnosed w adhd? I’m 21 and i think i might have it and i don’t really know what to do or where to start to get diagnosed or even what it means for me in the long run.. do u have any advice? I would really appreciate it :,)

SO. I’m a bit of a weird case because I’m in my 30s and have only just been diagnosed - I tell you this because I’m still figuring a lot of stuff out myself so I’m not sure how much advice I can give. I also come with Bipolar II gumming up my collective works which makes my experience of ADHD a little... different? I guess? But I’ll try my best!

ADHD for me is like... having too many tabs open on a browser. You’ve forgotten what half of them are for, a good chunk of them are urgent but you don’t know which ones, and at least a dozen are auto-playing video over top of one another.

This manifests as some SUPER fun sensory processing issues that make it really hard for me to filter sensory input. If I sit in a crowded bar, I’m not focused on the conversation I’m having, I’m focused on my conversation, the bartender’s conversation, the clinking of drinks, the music, the cars outside, and on and on and on. It’s fucking exhausting.

It also means that when I do want to focus on one thing, I can’t. On my bad days, I can’t read a full sentence because my brain nopes out halfway through. You can imagine how frustrating this is for someone who writes for a living.

My other major symptom is a fun thing called hyperfocus. This is kinda where it gets tricky to tell where the bipolar ends and the ADHD begins btw, which I think is why I was undiagnosed for so long.

Basically, I get fixated on a thing and then that thing is ALL I THINK ABOUT. Even if I’m doing something other than the thing, I’ll be focused on how long it’ll take to get back to the thing or planning new shit to do with the thing.

When I was younger, I’d hyperfocus on (for lack of a better word) constructive things. I’d spend all day every day thinking about coding – this led to me becoming a web developer. I’d spend all day every day thinking about a tv show – this led to my writing fanfiction and bettering my writing. Each time I hyperfocused, it was on something I could rationalise as good. And because I also tend to hyperfocus on academic things, I breezed through school with minimal fuss. This is another reason I think it took so long for me to find a diagnosis. I wasn’t the typical ADHD kid.

As far as getting diagnosed, I’m also a weird case there because I was already seeing my psych for management of the Bipolar II. Our first indication that ADHD might also be a thing was when she trialled me on Ritalin to try and combat the effects of an anaesthetic fuckup (LONG STORY) and I took to it like a fish to fucking water. From there we worked out that I meet “the criteria” which basically involved me taking a paper quiz in her office. And tada! New diagnosis.

As for getting diagnosed yourself (this advice is going to be aussie specific so apologies if you live elsewhere) I’d recommend asking your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist and go from there. It’ll mean time (and money, unfortunately) but they’re professionals for a reason.

Regarding what to expect: I honestly can’t tell you. I’m still figuring all this out myself. I will say that my psych was very adamant about long-acting Ritalin in the treatment of adult ADHD which is why I’m now on it – and she was right on the money when it comes to me. This shit is amazing.

I hope at least some of this helped! If you have any further questions feel free to hit me up on anon or jump into my chat if you wanna do so privately.

I’ll also open the floor to other ADHD peeps who might have some insight on the issue. Hey, people more knowledgable than me! What’s your take?

#ADHD #anon #asks #interacting with humans #Anonymous

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erinoddly · 4 years

Text

Can I just rant for a bit?

Okay so. Discussions on representation of mental disorders under the cut

Also probably a little bit of passive aggressiveness oops

Alright, I’m going to preface this by saying a couple of things.

1. I’m not a mental health professional. All I’ve got going for me in that regard is that I’ve taken one psychology class in college. Which is to say...nothing.

2. I am diagnosed with, though currently not being treated for, Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, minor OCD, and insomnia (which isn’t a mental disorder, but I’m putting it in here anyway). I’m also, though undiagnosed, most likely ADHD. I’ve been dealing with mental disorders for at least 13-14 years now, if not longer.

3. Everybody experiences mental disorders differently. Nothing is universal. So I’m only drawing off of my own experiences for this post.

Let’s get into the meat of my rant. Or...actually....probably two rants. One about how mental disorders and representation in media and one about Bipolar in specific, since those are both things that I’m thinking about today.

Mental disorders are not a character trait. They are an illness and need to be treated as such.

I saw this a lot when I was younger, mostly with younger teens/kids building their first OCs. They be writing out their personality description and use “bipolar” or some other mental disorder as a descriptor for their personality. But, like I said, those were mostly kids who didn’t really understand what they were doing and were likely uneducated on these topics, so I’m not trying to shame them for that.

But I’ve seen something similar. Recently. In writeblr (though I’m not going to call anyone out. Partially because I’m sure they wouldn’t listen to me even if I did.) Where symptoms of mental disorders are intentionally disregarded as such and are instead purposefully used as character traits, where mental disorders are considered to not be ‘illnesses’ but are instead just parts of people’s character. And part of me understands how that could be cathartic...

But it’s extremely damaging to others, especially impressionable younger people.

As I said, I’m mostly drawing off of my own experiences here, so feel free to enter into a discussion with me if you disagree or feel differently. I’m

I have extremely low self-esteem. That’s just a fact of life. I’m not sure what caused it and I don’t feel like delving deep enough into my mindset to figure it out. And let me tell you, being diagnosed with mental disorders did not help a single bit.

Society is, at least in my eyes, beginning to get a little more accepting about mental disorders. As long as those disorders are Depression and Anxiety and your symptoms are mild enough that they don’t effect the people around you, that is. But the fact of the matter is, other disorders are still heavily stigmatized. As are the symptoms. And so if you try and tell me that the symptoms of my disorder aren’t that, but are instead just inherent traits of who I am, it honestly makes me feel even worse about myself.

Even beyond that, there’s a fine line that I feel people with mental disorders need to walk. On one side, you have to accept that your disorder isn’t going away. It can’t be cured and it’s going to stay with you. It is, all things considered, a part of you. On the other side, you have to create some distance between yourself and your disorder. You can’t let it define you and you can’t use it as an excuse. And yeah, there’s a fine line between the two. It’s a line that I’m still learning to walk and it’s a line that I do stumble off of sometimes. But letting your mental disorder define you is dangerous both for yourself and for the people around you, as well as creating even more harmful stigmas about mental disorders that effect those that can’t let themselves be defined by it for their own well-being.

Thinking this way also leads to a mindset that people don’t need treatment. And even though I might be untreated as of right now, I am 100% for people with mental disorders getting treated. It takes some time, it takes some trial and error, but there are treatments that work. Personally, I went through a crap ton of medication before I found a combination that worked. Not to mention that this was worsened by the fact that I was misdiagnosed as Depressed for years before being diagnosed as Bipolar. And also, therapy doesn’t work for me. I’ve tried multiple therapists and haven’t found one that really, truly helps. But the fact of the matter is that for a good number of people, they do. I will never tell someone talking to me about their problems not to talk to a doctor or get in to see a therapist if they have the means to do so. Treatment helps. And getting treated, if you’re getting the right treatment, makes life so much easier to live. But telling people that their symptoms are just a part of them is telling them that it’s 100% okay for them to feel and act that way and that there’s no need to get treated, even if that treatment might actually make them feel better. You’re sacrificing their well-being to further your own ideals that mental disorders shouldn’t been seen as illnesses.

But that’s just it. They are illnesses. And they need to be treated, just like any other illness.

And that’s another thing. Mental illnesses are already seen as “fake” or “not that bad” in society. They already aren’t considered actual illnesses. So if I want to miss work because I had a cold, that’s fine. But if I want to stay home because I’m in the middle of a massive depressive episode and I’ve been staring at the wall for nine hours because I can’t get out of bed, it’s just me making excuses and being lazy. This mindset just furthers this issue.

(also I lived with a girl once who refused an treatment for her mental disorders because she refused to admit she had any disorders and that all her symptoms were just part of her personality. She also tried one (read that again. one.) anti-depressant and it didn’t help. She didn’t even try any more. And let me just tell you. Every single person in our house was completely miserable. Because her symptoms were awful and effected not only her, but how she treated others. And she refused to acknowledge any of it or try and seek out help because “it was just a part of her.”)

Now. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that people need to write stories that are brutally realistic about the stigmatization of mental disorders. That’s not at all what I’m trying to get at. But we do need to normalize accepting yourself for your disorder without letting it define you. And we also need to normalize getting treatment. Because trust me, being extremely depressed and dealing with suicidal thoughts isn’t normal. You need to get help for that. And it’s terrible when you feel like you can’t or don’t need to get treated because society looks down on people on medication or in therapy and makes you out to be “crazy.” And we need to make sure that others don’t have to go through that. And the best way to do so is to normalize it, not to act like it’s not an issue.

Anyway. That’s all I have to say right now on that. So let’s move to my next issue. Which will much shorter because I’m just....tired.........

Can we.....please........pretty please.........for the love of god please................get some good bipolar representation? i’m begging here.

I’m so tired of the same old shit about “oh this character/whatever is bipolar!! Which obviously means chaotic and violent and unable to control their temper!!!!!”

it’s so shitty and disheartening that that’s the majority of representation that we get. i am the most passive, conflict-adverse, pacifistic person I know. And trust me, I get called out on it all the time. like....yeah. there are people with bipolar disorder that are violent and destructive. but there are also people without that are. and yes, one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is ‘irritability,’ but that doesn’t mean violent and abusive and constantly angry!!!!

so please....please........let me have some good representation. i’m so tired and upset by the entire “bipolar means destructive and violent” bullshit.....

#erin screams into the void #venting venting venting erin is venting venting venting

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