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miqojak · 4 months

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Random question but what are the main differences you'd say there are between the way you describe your character and the way she'd describe herself?

Here's a lil snip of a somewhat similar question from 2020, but it was limited to 3 words each! Gosh, this is still hard, though. I think we'd agree on a lot of descriptors - she's ambitious, goal-oriented, acerbic, incisive, often impatient... but capable of immense patience when she must be. But she's honest, above all. She can twist her honesty when she feels like it, but she's direct and to the point... and doesn't really care about how that honesty might feel to the other person, as she doesn't have a lot of empathy for others she's not emotionally connected to (most of the time)... and getting to that point tends to take a concerted effort and a lot of patience from the other person. Gotta prove you really want her in your life!

From my meta perspective, I'd call her a wounded/abused alley cat - she's mistrustful, and for good reason. I'd call her a broken person... but she's also admitted that before, as well - she knows she's not 'normal', and functions differently than others. As incisive as she is with others... she's equally as honest (if not moreso) with herself. Ketsuchi once called her 'lonely' and she denied it at first, because of her perception of that word - she didn't want people around her! But... at the end of the day, she is - she lost her whole family. If any of her tribe survived, she doesn't know about it. They're all dead. She fought Garlemald... she suffered for those she loved, she fought for her home... and in the end, it doesn't matter, because there's no one to share the victory with. But I think you'd be hard-pressed to hear her call herself lonely, all the same, even now that she's cognizant of the fact that loneliness can have different connotations for different people.

It's hard to come up with differences in how we'd describe her, but... I don't agree with her calling herself a 'Beast', like the Garleans did. She kinda had to become just that to get away from them - had to lean into their expectations and become something hateful... because she was effectively a child soldier in a concentration camp, and... the tales of the Jackal taught her to be more clever. To play along, if she must, to escape the 'trap'. She became the very thing they expected her to be, and used it against them - but what they did to her broke her mentally. What she witnessed changed her. Their ideology, even, was baked into her: The Strong Survive. So... deep down, she feels ugly. She hates thinking about J'kesri - she has tattoos (each with meaning/insight into who she is), and piercings in part because she wanted to distance herself from who she saw in the mirror - under all the ego, is a broken little girl who lost her whole family - her whole reason for living. And...she'd hate me saying that, because SHE hates that about herself.

And deep, deep down? She is capable of immense care and loyalty to the right people; to those who demonstrate to her that they're worth that part of her, worthy of the risk she's taking - there's not a lot of that left to give, but she gives it wholeheartedly once it has been earned. She believes in actions speaking louder than words, and has gone above and beyond for the man who became her lover, over the course of about 2 years - she cooks him homecooked meals, lavishes physical affection on him... even likes to take baths with him, and wash him (among other things >_>). The problem is when people come at her seeking this side of her, and she's insistent that this part of her doesn't exist - because not everyone deserves this part of her! She's deeply wounded and mistrustful, and it takes enduring a lot of venom from her, and proving you'll still be there in the end (among other 'requirements' on her part), for her to finally deem someone worthy to be considered a friend. And even then... she can be a handful because she cares so much! Now, you're subject to the high standards she has for herself, as well! She'll push you to be a better version of yourself, as well - because that's what she believes in! Constant betterment!

At the end of the day, Jak is uniquely honest with everyone, but like I said...especially with herself. She's cognizant of her strengths and weaknesses and admits most of them, because... only a fool denies the truth of a thing.

She and Ketsuchi were both quite heroic - and rather naive in their heroism - in their youth... and they both became quite cold, and distant, and mistrusting of people with time and heartbreak and hurt and loss... but finding each other, and seeing someone just like themselves in their adult lives really helped them both, I think - but that might be one more thing I don't think either of them would admit to... having been 'heroic'... and even when she does small kindnesses now for homeless refugees, or goes to spend time with those in Little Ala Mhigo? She still doesn't want to be acknowledged for it. She doesn't want people to notice it, or thank her, or consider her a hero of the people, or anything of the sort. It makes her uncomfortable in her own skin... and that's hard for me to put a finger on the 'why' for, myself... maybe it just reminds her of all those she lost, and can't do these things for, now. Maybe she just feels too 'broken' to be seen as anyone 'heroic' or kind. But I'd say she is, deep down, still as capable of being a loving person as she once was, under the right circumstances - that part of her isn't as dead and gone as she thinks/wishes... and maybe that's the big one we differ on.

I got rambly, since this was a tough one to find differences on, so thanks for reading - and for asking!!

#thanks for asking!#ffxiv #ffxiv rp #miqo'te #garlemald #ala mhigo #she's complex #an enigma wrapped in a mystery stuffed inside the hilt of a poisoned blade #this was a toughie bc she is just so honest about who she is #'you can't become a better you if you don't acknowledge your faults' - that's how she sees it #too many people have tried to go looking for an ooey gooey center and been badly burned however #so I've long been hesitant to even talk about this part of her - even OOCly - bc I don't want people to get their hopes up too much in RP #ppl tend to try to speedrun friendship with her and that goes Very Badly™ - often bc they see an idealized version of her in their heads #she's a little wrong in the head and can be VERY hard to deal with - but persistence and attempts to understand her POV help #much like you would handle an abused animal with slow and careful persistence when it hisses and swipes... you have to endure the same w he #more rambles sorry xD #mentions #[The Jackal and the Wolf]

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morsking · 3 years

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enkidu’s interlude was so good. humbaba wasn’t just a divine beast she was an amalgam of the corpses of children the gods synthesized into a single being that could protect their forest and solidify their influence on earth. humbaba was a living symbol of the gods’ arbitrary hold upon humanity, and for gilgamesh and enkidu to have killed her was to have freed the children that had been broken and driven to insanity through the violent loss of their individuality. it was a mercy granted by the king of all humans, aided by a being that wasn’t human, to humans who had their humanity taken.

humbaba, however, was enkidu’s friend. in spite of the circumstances and the purpose of her creation, humbaba was innocent. her core personality was a single girl who loved nature, a curious and benevolent soul turned divine by the accumulation of souls just like it held together by the Authority of the gods. it was a process and a purpose that was not malicious, made without cruel intent, just simply a measure by which the gods could remain in the world they had created.

the tragedy of humbaba’s existence was that she didn’t have a say in her creation, just as she didn’t have a say in her destruction. for all her innocence and all her benevolence, she still only existed because she was built from the slaughter of nearly three thousand children, a crime and an indignity towards humanity gilgamesh could not forgive or overlook. gilgamesh, alongside enkidu, fought and killed humbaba, one of the very first beings enkidu had bonded with and loved. humbaba cursed enkidu with her dying breath over and over as they ripped her apart. just as humbaba was created for reasons she did not understand, enkidu killed her for a purpose they couldn’t grasp.

what gilgamesh was trying to teach enkidu was that being mankind’s ally means obliterating mankind’s enemies. to love mankind’s blessings is to loathe that which curses them. to protect mankind’s memory is to destroy that which erases it. for enkidu to become gilgamesh’s dearest friend, the dearest friend of the king who lived to uplift human civilization, is to deny their very existence as a weapon meant to subdue it in favor of the rule of nature.

killing humbaba broke enkidu. enkidu was meant to coexist with humbaba, to acknowledge her as an ally and someone to protect. regardless of that condition in their programming, enkidu learned to love humbaba of their own volition. they were killing a friend. they were killing someone who had done no wrong. they were killing someone who was exactly like them. enkidu lost themself in a confused haze as they killed her because their mind could not handle the burden of murdering a natural equal. in the end, it was gilgamesh who stopped enkidu from butchering humbaba any further. there was purpose behind her death, but not purpose behind her slaughter, and he would not allow his companion to suffer more than would be asked of them. at the time, enkidu did not understand the conflict raging inside them, and would not for thousands of years.

enkidu asks of mordred whether he was saved by fulfilling the purpose he was created for, but mordred denies this being the case. mordred didn’t destroy camelot because that’s what morgan created him for, and neither does he believe thinking a such gave him salvation. mordred tells enkidu that he, enkidu, and humbaba, are more than the intentions of their creators. mordred destroyed camelot out of his own free will. he loved king arthur, hated king arthur, served king arthur, and betrayed king arthur because that was his decision, his choice and his prerogative as an individual who wanted to define his own destiny.

whether to be helpful or self-serving, mordred tells enkidu that there’s no salvation in forcing meaning upon the suffering of others. there is only salvation in finding that meaning all on your own, and arriving at a conclusion all on your own after carefully thinking about what it is you wanted regardless of what others expected of you. and that is how enkidu realizes the meaning behind their emotions. all along they grieved for humbaba, all along they felt guilt towards betraying humbaba. but the reason why they felt that way was because they had loved humbaba as much as they had loved humans, and it’s because humbaba was created through human sacrifice that they felt compelled to redeem her death and her suffering. what moriarty had intended all along was for enkidu to discover that they loved humans not because gilgamesh told them to, but because they had learned to love them through a gradual mutual understanding living among them. and it’s with that realization that enkidu awakens a larger portion of their power: the power behind a clear resolve to defend that which they love.

#long post #homecooked meta

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hediyealisvers · 4 years

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Sevgili Kediler Metal Tablo

Arka taraftaki gizli askıdan KOLAY ASKI. Duvarda bir çiviye ihtiyacınız var, herhangi bir ek montaj işlemine ihtiyacınız yoktur .

Eşsiz tasarım Siyah dokulu statik toz boya Ürün duvardan 0,8 “- 2 cm uzakta durur. ** Bu montaj türü, yapıtın ilginç bir gölge ve 3D efekti yaratan yüzer gibi görünmesini sağlar. İç veya dış mekan kullanımı için.

#hediye #hediyeseteim #metal #metalcraft #metaldecor #metaltasarım #homedecor #hom #homecook #meta

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ckneal · 3 years

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Every time I write another installment for the domestic midam AU, I’m positive that it’s going to be the last one, because there isn’t even an overall story to this idea. It’s really just Michael and Adam wearing lounge wear in their apartment, often while eating pizza and quietly wondering why they haven’t made out yet, why aren’t they making out right now--all while unaware the the other is wondering exactly the same thing.

But I’ll sit down to work on something else, and this tiny part of me that just really wants to revel in the fluffiness of it will whisper something along the lines of, “What would Michael’s job be after he’s made human?”

Obviously, the immediate answer is “house husband.” During the first year or so, Michael would probably delight in maintaining this little haven that he and Adam had set up for themselves before the rapture. The hands-on nature and routine of it would actually be comforting to him when he’s learning how to be human. And that he would more than relish learning how to cook as he adjusts to his sense of taste and starts balancing Adam’s penchant for junk food alongside healthier, homecooked meals. But Michael also has a flair for efficiency and this is a cozy apartment for two. I think that after a certain point, Michael is going to have the routine down, to where it really doesn’t take up much of his time. So, what does Michael do then?

This might sound kind of farfetched and a little corny, but I think one possibility is that Michael, after a lot of time and healing and soul-searching that gives him some perspective in life, might author his own children’s books series. Hear me out: Season 15 implied that Michael had a hand in creating, or maybe even directly wrote, the bible stories, so he likely already has a grasp on the basics of storytelling. He definitely understands symbolism. At some point when he’s first starting out, he might even mention to Adam that in a sense, he’s the bestselling author to have ever been, which is a comment that Adam will never let him live down from then on.

Though teasing aside, Adam will be very supportive of Michael’s endeavors. One of Michael’s most popular stories will be about an owl and a squirrel who struggle to be honest with how they feel about each other even though everyone around them knows and it’s okay. The coloring on the owl’s feathers will look curiously reminiscent of a trench coat and the squirrel will have green eyes. Adam will send a signed copy to Dean as gift. They wont hear anything back, though Sam will text Adam the crying-laughing emoji out of the blue a week or so later.

And it doesn’t happen over night, but I think Michael deserves to win an award for one of his books. And that Adam will entertain fantasies. That if Chuck ever does show up on their doorstep, he’s going to take Michael’s award--which is framed and hanging in their home, naturally--slap it on the table and grind Chuck’s nose right into the glass, knowing that Chuck’s books are widely considered to be literary trash and had to be published online when Chuck’s career took a dive after season 4.

But the really meta part, is that this is all going to start with Michael discovering fanfiction. About Chuck’s books. I don’t remember if we ever find out what website Becky was posting to in her first appearance in season 4, but Michael is going to discover that website, and he is going to arrive already thinking of himself as a pillar in the community, and he is going to have thoughts on everything--which will either make him insufferable or a delight depending on who you ask, but will 100% lead to Michael meeting Becky. They will clash as often as they agree, both rolling their eyes at their computer screens when the other claims to have very unique, unshakable insight into Carver Edlund’s work that they cannot specify for. . .reasons.

They will eventually become best friends.

Adam will be very concerned throughout this entire period, though he’s not sure if it’s an improvement when Michael transitions from writing fanfiction and talking nonstop theories about his dad and siblings to writing his own original work while sharing every little detail about their lives with his best friend and test reader.

Adam tries to explain that it’s weird, but it mostly goes over Michael’s head until the day Becky asks him to beta read her PWP midam fic.

#michael does text adam to tell him there's something he wants to try later though #michael's going to get back to becky with some VERY specific notes on her fic #yep got another installment for the domestic midam au #i really ought to go back and tag all of these #midam #my thoughts #domestic au

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found--family · 4 years

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Kid!Dean in 15.14

Dean's narrative in Last Holiday was really well written, and now that I've had time to read some meta and reflect on things I appreciate certain elements of the story that I thought were OOC on first watch.

It starts out with him in caretaker role - wearing an apron while cooking dinner and fixing clunky pipes - and then as soon as Mrs. Butters enters the scene we see him relegated to *kid Dean* by many visual and textual elements such as his Scoobydoo underthings, being chastised for swearing, and accused of wearing unclean (smelly) clothing, ie. all things you would expect of a child requiring some parental caretaking.

We go from Dean referencing him and Sam dealing with the Biggest Bads (Hitler and Lucifer) to telling Mrs. Butters it's been *one apocalypse after another* and her response being both understanding and motivated: she knows how busy their work can be, and how self-care can fall by the wayside, and that they deserve all the domestic bliss she can drum up.

Dean's childlike state-of-being continues throughout the episode as Mrs. Butters assumes responsibility for all domestic duties: his giddiness (and innocence) over his very own Scoobydoo sleeping robe; uncontainable excitement for the Christmas-decorated bunker; the request for rice crispy treats (in place of cake, which when viewed as a bi!dean symbol makes sense for being overlooked by the embodiment of pre-teen-Dean choosing a classic childhood treat instead); joy for homecooked meals with family around the table; smiles at a packed lunch as he heads off to save the world from monsters (minus the investigation/minus the consequences, just like a child at make-believe playtime); playing with his vegetables during Thanksgiving dinner; joy over a grilled cheese sandwich (a perfectly simple but nonetheless wholesome homemade comfort food); the repair of the TV in the Dean Cave™ (a grown man's fort); Dean's plan to free him and Jack from captivity (very *boys will boys*, ie. fun/experimentation often results in injury).

Now, Dean can and has done all the everyday things Mrs. Butters does: laundry, cooking, fixing things, and not least of all taking care of Sammy (the brotherly teasing was not new, but it did take on a childish air in light of the episode; and Dean not calling Sam for help because he was with Eileen speaks to him putting Sammy's happiness above his own personal safety, which is the Dean we all know). But taking the time, effort (and if it weren't for the magic, money) to celebrate various holidays isn't something they're used to - and as mentioned this episode, the Hunter's Life™ has never really let them slow down enough to enjoy such things (at least not regularly) but that goes way back to Sam and Dean's childhood being void of such (-what may have been insisted by John as-) trivialities or distractions. Mrs. Butters gives Sam and Dean the chance to live the festive childhood they never experienced, as well as infusing the festive celebrations into Jack's childhood (which feels like papa!Sam and papa!Dean improving John's parenting in that regard but not yet because they didn't actually instigate this happy turn of events..).

But we're also reminded that Dean is /not/ a child: Mrs. Butters gives him tomato juice and remarks on his cholesterol; Mrs. Butters teases him about his age and want for his own birthday party treats; plus a few other minor instances - one I noticed was Mrs. Butters watching Dean carve his pumpkin with concern (for just a moment) as he uses a big knife to do the deed (we also don't see any pattern in that pumpkin because it's still whole, which may be viewed as a lack of whimsical imagination, ie. no-longer-innocent-Dean, or maybe representing Dean not having opened up/carved his feelings out (yet; ie. to Jack) but that's 100% fun wild musings on my part). But /not/ being a child is still not a bad thing (despite Dean's face falling every time it's mentioned) because he still has someone taking care of him (the juice) and indulging him for his birthday (rice krispy treats) like a parent would a child.

And let's not overlook the magical aspect: Dean refers to Mrs. Butters as *Mary Poppins*, a classic childhood movie. She uses magic to go about her domestic duties, but that magic is also imbued into the Bunker itself (the Geoscope™, the Monster Radar™) and when she leaves her magic leaves with her, the fantasy home reduced back to the relative banality of reality in the Bunker (same could be said for her absence of caretaking). But she leaves the boys with the lesson learned that they should take time to celebrate each other (as well as a few choice lines to each of the boys, which I meta'd a little in this post).

By the end, we see Dean resuming his caretaker role (wearing the apron again, and Sam remarks how Dean *loves that apron* which is true: Dean is a natural caregiver and loves taking care of his family) as he presents Jack (his son) with a homemade birthday cake. This is Dean choosing to celebrate the "trivial" domesticity they never did before, ie. it's no longer Mrs. Butters at the helm, therefore this act can be counted as Dean improving on his own upbringing.

And I know we gawk at Dean's lopsided cake because - as proved at the beginning of the ep where he aces homemade burgers plus countless previous examples: he does have decent cooking skills! - surely he could manage a simple cake? Alas, no. Pie, maybe. But cake is a distinctly celebratory creation and this episode makes it clear they've never taken the time to stop and celebrate - because the world was in danger.. because one or more of them were in near-constant danger or of no mind to celebrate anything.. because they lived on the road.. because John never stopped to celebrate such things with them.

This is perhaps the first cake Dean has ever baked. It's no Mrs. Butters masterpiece, as he mentions, but the thought counts - it means a helluva lot not just as the start of their own festive celebrations as a family, but also as a reiteration of Dean's words to Jack: he's trying, and Jack smiles! And despite lack of skill, Dean's effort and love and pride (and childlike decorations of icing-words and rainbow sprinkles) are the epitome of a child's creation and therefore should not be viewed in a harsh light. Dean gets points for trying!

The icing on the cake (heh) is the penultimate closing shot of Dean telling Jack to *make a wish*. Wishes, miracles, unexpected and fortunate magic - they're not exactly commonplace Good™ in their lives. Hard work and sacrifice is what has always gotten them What and Where they need to be, but this moment isn't about Need; a birthday wish is all about Want. It's a little bit of fanciful magic, some wishful thinking reserved for children, not Hunters, yet Dean sincerely wants Jack to embrace his childhood in this moment.

.. and it may be the last chance he gets to do so! :o

#spn 15x14 #watchnotes #caretaker dean #kid dean #meta #15x14 #mrs butters #papa dean #s15 #jack #childhood #big kid dean

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shizekarnstein · 4 years

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N, T, U?? :>>>

N- Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

Fruits basket: honestly my experience in this fandom has been... wondeful so far. I'm genuinely surprised by how nice the majority of you all are, and how everything is properly tagged and how when sometimes when I enter the tag yes there are a couple of posts debating certain points from different perspectives but always in a polite fashion! Yeah there are ocassionally bothersome anons but most of the time it's really... nice to be here. So one of my whishes is for that healthy atmosphere to continue. As for especific content mmm maybe for metas about the curse lmao yeah I could write but the more the merrier 😂. Also... it would be nice :) if some people would stop making Yuki and Tohru's relationship :) about kyoru :)

Snk: 1) could you all tag your shit properly. Like a post is an edit about Armin and it's tagged as rivamika or erehisu CHILL PLS. 2) For people to stop bothering others for liking a fictional character and accusing said fans of being idk horrible human beings for being invested in certain characters regardless of what they do in the story. (With that same logic all SW fans are garbage human beings for stanning Darth Vader lmao). 3) For ship wars to fucking stop god you're all so annoying. 4) For fans to take a page out furuba fandom and learn to let people be for not agreeing with your personal takes on the story or characters. Also 5) Imagine a fandom where people idk MADE their own opinions instead of automatically adopting whatever the most popular "meta blogs" decide?? That would be nice :).

T- Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?

AS A MATTER OF FACT OF COURSE I DO.

Fruits basket:

Yuki and Kyo eventually tell Tohru about their side of the Hat story.

Yuki Sohma definetly caused the ruin of numerous cafes and restaurants by attracting hordes of rats every time he went to eat out there. Shigure still finds it hilarious to this day.

Yuki once enrolled in cooking classes bc he wanted to surprise his friends and girlfriend with a homecooked meal. All his classmates were terrified of him and his instructor cried when he finally withdrew. Of course he's stubborn and continued to practice in his apartment. It didn't end well. The firefighters know him by name levels of didn't end well. Finally both Machi and Tohru take pity of his ass and teach him. Under their careful guidance he eventually learns how to make rice and soup.

Tohru Honda daughter of Kyoko Honda defiently knows how to throw a punch and one day when she and Kyo were fighting/flirting without realising she catches him off guard and accidentally gives him a black eye. Tohru spent the evening trying to apologize while pressing a bag of frozen peas to Kyo's face while he was like... in awe bc HIS GIRLFRIEND IS SO STRONG. When Arisa finds out what happened (bc Tohru totally called her) she almost dies laughing her ass off and never let's Kyo forget that happened.

Snk:

Carla Jaeger most certainly taught his son how to cook and he's very good at it. Roping him into helping her cook was one the only ways she could keep an eye on him and be sure he wasnt fighting or getting into trouble all over the town so she commited to her plan. It went better than either of them expected.

Jean had a crush on Eren at one point and no I'm not taking criticisms. One day he was busy glaring at him for walking alongside Mikasa and suddenly he was like... huh Eren's pretty cool actually. I admire him. Right??? And he spent days agonizing wondering if he wanted to be Eren (to be close to Mikasa) or if he LIKED Eren too and his poor bisexual ass suffered so much. Those were the days he was so frustrated with his double crush he would find any excuse to start a fight. Btw Sasha saw right through him and Jean still doesnt know how on earth she noticed.

U- Three favorite characters from three (two) different fandoms, and why they are your favorites.

Fruits basket: You all know Yuki is my sun and stars like I'm not exactly subtle. So instead I'm gonna talk about my three favorite female characters.

1) Machi: she arrived late to the party but when I realised she had become my most favorite female character. She's just... so relatable. A big part of why I connect so strongly with her is bc I saw a lot of my 16 yeas old self in her. When I read chapter 94 I had to put down my phone and took a deep breath bc... Machi was me. It's insane how strongly I related to her.

2)Tohru: my mad respect for Tohru knows no bounds. All alone and trying to be so strong. I love Tohru for how good she is and her story of finally opening the lid and confront his trauma in order to be able to move forward is... excelent. I could spend days taking about Tohru Honda and how wonderful and human and flawed she is. One of the best constructed female protagonists I've even seen.

3) Akito. I love Akito. She captured my interest for the very start and oh how she kept it. I adore Akito bc she does terrible things that can never be undone and at the same time, is the one to finally put the horror to end. Akito stops the circle of violence of the curse and does her damn best to become a better person, even removing herself from the lives of the ex zodicas bc she is very aware of how she wronged them and doesnt want to make them uncomfortable. I adore her struggles with her identity and her internalized mysoginy and everything about her. Also... Akito hot 💅.

Snk:

Eren is the light of my life what more can I say?

Mikasa is wonderful and a fascinating balance between vulnerabilty and strenght. I loved Mikasa as soon as I saw her and she remains one of my most favorite characters of snk.

Jean. Oh man JEAN. The character with the most satisfying character development of the whole story. I already loved him to bits after Trost but then he went and said the very same thing I was screaming about since day 1: it is really ok if in order to defeat these monsters we become worse than them? A KING. I adore Jean and his courage and growth and how he always retains a cool head over his shoulders and hnnng. Jean Kirstein.

#ask replies #fruits basket #fruits basket spoilers #snk

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guardiandae · 5 years

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Meta/Commentary Part 2: A Little ‘XO’ Wouldn’t Go Amiss

(Spoilers below)

(CONTENT WARNING: mental illness, self harm and suicidal ideation mentions)

So when we left off, Nate and Wade had their first real interaction / moment of demonstrated compassion, even if it’s a rough one. Wade flirts, Nate sucks the rancid blood out of his lungs, then tells Wade to clean up their disgusting kitchen and he’ll actually make Wade a meal.

Which is like. Wow. Exciting. Peak interaction and peak affection from Nate so far. Wade actually makes an effort because a homecooked meal from Mr. Grumpy is the nicest thing he’s ever heard and then he waits and waits for Nate to come back and follow through on his promise and Nate.... totally forgets.

Ooof.

So Wade is left fending for himself, and trying to find a way to make quick cash (because Nate has control of Wade’s finances.. and Nate forgot to feed him. Sob.) So he finds someone who thinks he looks enough like Spider-Man to hire him and then this happens.

"Fuck you, Spiderman, you suck!"

"Yeah? That wasn't what your dad said last night," Wade countered. "Or maybe it was, 'cus I'm Spiderman and I love banging old dudes."

The guy had just given him a withering look. "Dude. Whatever gets you off," he muttered, walking away.

"Wait. It's that easy?" Wade wondered aloud, not sure if he was relieved or disappointed by the lack of a fight. He tried not to think about it too much.

Foreshadowing? Oh hell yeah, foreshadowing. Wade is old enough to remember when it wasn’t okay to just... openly admit anything outside of cisheteronormative standards, and this guy not rising to the bait and just saying ‘whatever’ is kind of whiplash.

Wade felt his brain short out when he saw Nate standing with just a towel around his waist.

(Oh no, he's hot. I mean, we already knew that but now he's like, naked and stuff.)

[Is that even legal?]

"Shut up," Wade said, pressing a hand to his head. They were back. Why were they back???

(Why do you think?)

Yeah. So I feel like Wade’s ‘boxes’ are partly like a way for his subconscious to yell at him about all of the stuff he’s trying to ignore. And some of that is really bad stuff for him, that he shouldn’t listen to, like his self hatred and anxieties and suicidal thoughts. But then there are thoughts like these, like his attraction to Nate, his need to be listened to and shown even the barest scraps of respect/affection/kindness, but he thinks he doesn’t deserve any of that and won’t say it.

Like, when Nate remembers that he fucked up and forgot about his promise to make Wade dinner:

"Well… at least your kitchen is clean," Nate said. "That's a reward in itself."

(A reward in itself? What kind of asshole says that?)

[The kind that throws away Hello Kitty post it notes.]

"Yeah, I'm gonna agree with the little yellow box on this one," Wade said. "Doing a chore isn't a reward in itself. A reward is a reward."

While Wade’s ‘boxes’ are overall really toxic for him in this fic, they can be a good thing! If it weren’t for his boxes, Wade wouldn’t have been able to process through the fact that Nate disappointed him and caused him suffering and tell him that it was kind of shitty and not okay and end up making Nate promise to actually follow through because it was important to him!!

"You know there aren't any boxes, right, Wade?" Nate asked him. "They aren't really in your head."

"I know that," Wade said. "But they still won't shut up.”

Foreshadowing. And also, in this moment, imo, it’s basically giving Wade the opportunity to say, yes I know it’s ‘not real’ but it’s still real. Which is like. The biggest mental illness mood. Of course... they’re kind of referring to two different things, once again. Having different conversations. Wade thinks Nate can’t hear half of his conversation, and Nate must think he’s nuts. Of course, SPOILERS, Nate can hear every single thing that Wade is saying, because he’s talking to himself, and the entire time Nate is trying to asses how the fuck to handle what’s going on and how serious this is.

"What do you want to watch?" Nate asked, so casually, it took Wade a long moment to realize that Nate was talking to him, and an even longer moment for his brain to short out.

"What…?"

"What do you want to watch?" Nate asked again, as if this was something that they'd ever done before.

(Nate's never watched TV with us. What's happening???)

[Pity. He knows we're losing it.]

The sad thing is, Wade’s inner thoughts aren’t wrong. It takes hearing Wade’s inner thoughts for himself and seeing him struggle and realizing how badly Wade’s been affected just because Nate has ignored him and given him the cold should so many times... to realize that he needs to give Wade a little bit of kindness. But it feels like it’s coming from pity instead of genuine interest and pity fucking sucks.

"Nate. I know you don't like being around me," Wade said, slowly. "This isn't your problem, so don't worry about it."

and then he locks himself in the bathroom and tries to just drown out the voices until he can fall asleep, in the bathtub, because mood.

Meanwhile, Nate is concerned, but not showing it well because his concern quickly turns back into anger:

"Please, Wade. Listen to me, not them. These things in your head, they aren't real, okay?" Nate tried to reason with him. "I know it feels like what they're saying is true, but I promise you they aren't right. Not about you. Not about us. Come out of there, alright? Come on, Wade. For fuck's sake, I'm trying to talk to you, isn't that what you wanted? Get the fuck out."

After a while of yelling, Nate realized that Wade had gone quiet. He stopped, trying to get a hold of his anger, his… if he was honest… fear. Fear of losing Wade.

He could use telekinesis to force the lock. He could also break the door down, easily.

Nate pressed his hands against the door, listening. On the other side, he heard Wade humming tunelessly to himself. Drowning out the voices. Drowning out Nate.

He curled his fingers against the cheap faux-wood door and tried to will himself to stop. To calm down.

Nate is starting to understand, to take little steps. He knows he’s already starting to slip up right out of the gate and he knows he needs to stop pushing right now or he’ll only push Wade away.

Wade had been talking to himself for a long, long time.

And Nate hadn't really spoken to anyone for almost as long.

This is the point where Nate starts to realize that they both have problems to address. Nate’s behavior (withdrawing/isolating, anger, not communicating) isn’t just toxic for himself, which he’d be fine with, but it’s also eroding Wade’s mental health at the foundation. Even when Nate is interested or concerned for Wade, he doesn’t express it in a way that Wade can recognize. Concern looks like disgust because Wade is so used to the latter; smiling at Wade’s jokes/flirting is interpreted as dark and aggressive because they’re both thinking about two different things; he reads Wade’s cute little notes but throws them away because first he thinks Wade is making fun of him and then he either doesn’t know how to react or the reminder of Wade’s concern/affection makes him uncomfortable because from his perspective he’s offered nothing in return. And if he could just communicate how he felt on his end, Wade wouldn’t be left feeling like Nate hated his fucking guts.

The next morning, Wade is still locked in the bathroom, which means Nate is forced to make an effort to communicate with him, because now he realizes that leaving the house while Wade is still potentially in crisis mode could cause Wade to keep spiraling.

He was ready to go out the door, but at the last second it occurred to him that Wade might wake up and see that Nate had left and take it in the worst way possible. When it came to dealing with Wade, you always had to think to yourself, 'What is the worst case scenario?' and then go a couple steps beyond that. If Nate left without leaving a note, he could come back to Wade giving him the cold shoulder, or he could come back to find the entire building burned to ground.

[Went out.]

There. Simple and to the point.

Ah, fuck. Maybe that was too simple. Wade would think he wasn't coming back, because he was a fucking idiot.

[Went out. Be back later.]

That was still a little bit impersonal. Nate didn't want Wade to think he didn't care about his wellbeing.

[Went out. Be back later. Don't off yourself.]

That was better.

But if Wade actually read this note, Nate also didn't want him to think he could hole up in the bathroom again. That shit got old fast.

[Went out. Be back later. Don't off yourself. Or lock yourself in the bathroom again.]

Nate stared at the note, written on a pastel pink background with little cartoon kittens and hearts and flowers and sweets, and felt a mild panic.

[Fucker], he added hastily, and then left before he had time to second-guess himself.

Nate is still very much in I-don’t-even-like-him denial mode, but this process of thought while he’s writing his note? Ooooh. This is art, baby. Nate is actually concerned about how Wade will react if he leaves the message too short, too uncaring. And then has to add a little ‘fucker’ at the end because hello tough guy points, keep those in the millions. Give Wade an inch, he’ll take a mile.

And of course, when Wade gets up and finds the note, his reaction is, This is a love note. And by all rights... it basically is. It’s the first tangible scrap of evidence Nate has given him that he cares about Wade’s well-being at all, and he cherishes the hell out of it.

Which makes it all the more painful when Wade realizes he was careless and threw that scrap of paper, Proof Nate Cares About Me, into the wash with the rest of his clothes and now it’s destroyed.

So... a few things happen all at once. Honestly, just one would be enough to make Wade lose it, but sometimes in fiction you have to drive the point home:

1. Nate says he’s leaving.

"With what you have in the bank, you could probably buy yourself a house, Wade," Nate replied.

"You mean us, right?" Wade corrected.

Nate stared at him and then dropped his gaze to pick at his plate. "The X-Men offered me a position," he said. "I could stay at the mansion, if I wanted to. Or I could get a stipend. It'd probably be enough to pay rent somewhere. So I won't have to keep leeching off of you."

Of course, once again, two different conversations are happening. Nate is saying, I got offered this, I don’t have to stay, I don’t have to keep leeching off of you and offering nothing in return because I am hurting you and it’s making me feel like a useless piece of shit. Remember Wade’s finances are paying for everything right now because Nate doesn’t have stable income. The reason why Nate leaves and disappears for hours or days on end is because he’s trying to find work, but also the world needs heroes right now and hero work isn’t always paid.

But from Wade’s POV, of course Nate should stay with him. But the word ‘leech’ makes him remember that Nate doesn’t even like him and Nate doesn’t need him, but Wade is the one who needs Nate and needs attention and affection that Nate is in no way obligated to give him that.

So Wade says, ‘ok,’ essentially. And to him, that’s putting on a brave face and accepting that Nate will move on, of course he will, so he might as well try to be happy for Nate. But from Nate’s perspective, it’s Wade saying, ‘ok, good, get the fuck out’ in the kindest way possible because now there’s no more excuse for their roommate arrangement to keep existing.

2. Wade’s inner voices start acting up badly, because of the first event. He tries to ignore them, tries to sleep, tries to shut down the bad lines of thought with reason and reality but it’s hard to believe when they just. won’t. stop.

(He doesn't want to see you. Period.)

Wade pressed his hands to his face, tried to breathe in slowly.

"Nate and I… are friends," Wade said.

(Who are you trying to convince?)

"We're friends," he repeated to himself, softer. "We're friends."

Then when Wade tries to distract himself with something else, he tries to go finish the laundry and then realizes that he’d left Nate’s ‘love note’ in his pocket and now it’s obliterated.

[It's gone.]

(Wasn't that your entire proof that Nate gave a single solitary fuck about you?)

"No," Wade lied, but lying to himself didn't always work so well. "It was just a piece of paper."

[But there won't be another one.]

"I'll remember it," Wade whispered pressing his hands to his face.

(Will you? Do you even remember it now?)

Not only was that the only physical proof he had that Nate cared, something his mental illness couldn’t convince him isn’t real, but now that Nate said he’s leaving, Wade knows he won’t ever get another one. That was the first and only note Nate ever wrote to him, and Wade was stupid and careless and let it get destroyed almost immediately. And worse, his memory problems are getting worse and he knows this and he knows that without an actual reminder he’s going to forget what the note said and what Nate’s handwriting looks like and how it felt to read that and eventually he’s going to forget that he ever got a note and eventually he’s going to forget Nate, just like he’s going to forget Vanessa because she’s dead and he only has her memories and photographs and if anything happens to those, there’s a real chance he’ll forget her smile and her face and their moments together and her and it’s too terrifying to deal with and it’s all because it’s all his fault and now he’s in a complete mental breakdown.

This time, when he dreamed of finding his wife and daughter's burnt bodies, Wade's was there with them. The only people he cared about. People that he'd failed.

Mmmm foreshadowing. For the sequel, I mean. Oh boy.

Wade’s breakdown wakes Nate up, and by that point it’s full blown mental badness for Wade. Nate finds Wade curled up on the floor, arguing with himself, and tells Nate that he just wants to sleep but the voices won’t stop, and he’s desperate now to the point of self injury and asking Nate to use his telekinesis to help Wade blow his brains out or lobotomize himself.

"I can try to help," Nate offered. "If you'll let me."

(Last time he tried something, you puked your lungs out.)

[This is different. This time we'll puke our brains out.]

(Why waste the strength? Nate has guns. Big ones.)

Wade didn't even care anymore. "Do what you gotta do, Nate."

Once again, Nate offers to help. Once again, because Wade has an extreme solution on his mind, he thinks Nate is offering to help in that way, but Nate has no intention of letting Wade harm himself, or letting Wade think that Nate would ever be willing to harm him.

"I'm not going to blow your brains out and neither are you. I'm a telepath, Wade," Nate reminded him. "Reading your mind is difficult, but I can project thoughts too."

This time Nate actually tells Wade what he’s thinking, what he intends to do to help Wade and what he doesn’t intend to do. Wade gets caught up in babbling about what that could possibly mean, what Nate’s thoughts would be, and since Wade can’t snap out of it or give Nate an answer, Nate goes ahead with his plan to help make Wade’s thoughts stop.

Wade started sounding like a broken record again. Nate put it to an end, connecting to Wade's mind with a touch and projecting a static to drown out the voices and give Wade some relief.

They only connected for a brief instant, and then Wade flinched away from the connection, breaking it.

"Sorry," Nate reached out again, but Wade shivered and stayed just out of reach, as if he were afraid of it.

"What was that?”

Wade is still afraid of Nate’s powers being used on him in ways he didn’t expect. It interrupts the darker, suicidal thoughts, but Wade still struggles openly, first expressing his mixed feelings of fear re: Nate touching him, and also his tentative admission that it was nice to be touched. Then, when his train of thought immediately plunges back into ‘I wish I were dead’ territory, Nate makes a point to interrupt once again, but this time not using his powers.

"Wade," Nate said again, trying to bring him back from another spiral of thoughts. He sat down on the couch, holding his hands out to Wade, but not reaching for him. "Come here. Put your head down, okay? I'll make it quieter this time."

"Make my head quieter?" Wade asked, edging closer.

"Yes," Nate promised. "I'll make it go away."

This time, Nate doesn’t force his methods onto Wade. Wade is fully informed of what Nate intends to do to help him, and the choice is left up to him. This time he has a second to process it, stop being afraid of what Nate’s intentions might be, and accept his help (and his touch) on his own terms.

Wade churns through a few more fears, aloud, (his fear that Nate will leave him, like Vanessa left him, and he’ll forget them both) and also his loneliness, the fact that it’s been so long since he felt love/touch/intimacy, he isn’t sure he remembers what it feels like anymore. Then he accepts Nate’s offer, puts his trust in Nate, and lets Nate make his mind go blank.

Meanwhile, Nate has to try to process the raw admission that their fucked up, dysfunctional non-relationship is half of the entire reason why Wade’s mental health has gotten to this point, because he really thought there was no way Wade cared about him or what he thought, and now he has to figure out how to start undoing that damage.

Skin to skin contact is the only real way Nate can use his powers on Wade directly. Otherwise, his mind is too chaotic and slippery to really work with. This is a rule I set in this AU, but it’s a concept lifted from Cable & Deadpool #3:

There’s no indication this is the case, but Wade’s mind is canonically hard to get a grip on for psychics, and after Nate touched his head, he can hear Wade’s thoughts back to him, so they aren’t speaking out loud and alerting the others of Nates’ presence. I always interpreted that as being, Nate had to do a little more to establish a better connection with Wade’s mind. It probably isn’t the case, maybe he just wanted to give Wade a little tap on the noggin, but I liked that concept for this fic. Bonus feels: In the comic, Wade and Nate had been fighting like cats and dogs up until this point. Wade had joined a cult and helped them, Nate had been trying to fight against them, and Wade ended up being doublecrossed. Here, Wade expresses regret, and Nate shows compassion towards Wade... something exceedingly rare for anyone to do, sadly.

In this fic, Nate can’t stay connected to Wade’s mind (at least, not as easily as this) unless he maintains skin contact with Wade somehow. Because I’m gay and I love drama and it’s soft as hell.

"I'm here," Nate assured him, rubbing circles onto Wade's skin with his fingertips. Then he realized, to his embarrassment, that he'd been petting Wade the entire time, and quickly stopped.

"Don't -- Don't stop doing that. Please. It's nice," Wade pleaded, jerking a little under Nate's hands.

"Shh," Nate shushed, afraid that Wade would break the connection. "Okay. I won't stop, but don't move. Just relax."

He let his fingers resume their slow movements. Following the flow of scar tissue on Wade's skin. Brushing his thumb over the curve of Wade's ear. He felt Wade relax against him, sinking deeper.

I have nothing to add, I just want you all to see how soft this is.

Wade’s POV:

"When my daughter Hope has bad dreams, I'd help her fall asleep again," Nate said as he continued the light petting. "Take away all of the nightmares."

For some reason, the reminder that Nate was, above all else, a dad , took Wade by surprise. He was a man who had lost everything, who would have moved heaven and earth to get his daughter back, to keep her safe, and he did exactly that. Somewhere in the future, there was a little girl whose dad loved her that much, that fiercely. Wade couldn't relate. His own dad had been all fierce and no love. The kind of man nightmares were made of.

Nate’s POV:

"When my daughter Hope has bad dreams, I'd help her fall asleep again," Nate said, thinking of how many times he'd held her in his arms and done just this. "Take away all of the nightmares."

Even with Wade's permission to connect with his mind, Wade's thoughts were hard to read. They weren't words or even clear images. It was more like only being able to feel an abstract, and Nate caught the edge of one unexpectedly. It looked like misshapen darkness and it smelled like old booze and it was called father. It felt like being hit with fists and the sharp bite of a belt buckle and it tasted like salt-tears-blood, and it was called love.

Nate pushed the memory away as soon as he realized what it was, focusing a little harder to keep it from forming again. "I'm sorry, Wade. I can't change the past for you, but I can try to make things better here and now. Let's think about something else."

Nate shares a piece of himself with Wade, and tells him about his daughter, about how he’s done this similar psychic technique before to help his daughter fall asleep again if she had a bad nightmare. That reminder of Nate being a dad, of Nate using the same method to soothe his daughter’s nightmares on Wade, reminds Wade of his own father, and the abusive memories associated with him.

It’s not only an example of Wade’s train of thought still leading him into places that are harmful for his state of mind, but also where Wade’s POV and Nate’s POV start to be able to meld together, because Nate can somewhat read what Wade is thinking.

Often, I can write scenes where two characters have an interaction but have wildly different interpretations of it, and depending on which character I’m settled on in 3rd person perspective, it’s left up to the reader to pick up on that or reread later and realize, oh wow, now I know the other person reacted like that because their mind was totally elsewhere. In this fic, every single interaction is like that, and it’s split into stark contrast. Wade is earnest in his interactions, and in denial, and masking so much hurt with humor, and he sees Nate as violent, and cold, and uncaring. Nate is still holding onto trauma, and masking his hurt with stoicism, and ignoring Wade because he cannot allow himself to grow attached to anyone in this timeline because he isn’t sure he could emotionally survive that, and from his perspective Wade is lazy and can’t take anything seriously. Neither of them can communicate well, primarily because Nate shut himself off so effectively until he realized that Wade isn’t actually a punching bag that feels nothing, emotionally or otherwise, and he was being an asshole the entire time.

This is where communication starts to be able to begin, and Nate realizes he’s not going to break or lose his edge if he shows Wade kindness and compassion any more than being a good father to his daughter, because love is not a weakness. Caring is not a weakness.

Nate creates a dream for Wade - but, if you didn’t pick up on this - the dream is more Wade’s creation than anything. Nate was accustomed to helping Hope make imaginary snowflakes in her mind. Basically, like counting sheep, but more elaborate (but simple enough for a child) and pretty to look at. When Hope’s imagination wandered off to sleep, she would dream of snow hares made of ice, or spring flowers, or sparkling night skies. Remember - Nate is supposed to be guiding this.

But Wade’s imagination immediately goes out of Nate’s simple guidance, and turns into a full blown dreamscape. Not intricate snowflakes, because that’s complicated and boring to Wade’s mind, but an entire realm of rolling hills covered in snow and little trees, and then because Wade thinks, it would be cold and he doesn’t like that, he imagines that he’s inside where it’s warm and cozy and Nate is there, because he doesn’t want to be alone, and they both have matching sweaters and cocoa because that’s fucking nice and his idea of ‘heaven’ and Nate is shook because he remembers something that Wade doesn’t remember anymore-

Nate and Wade had gone drinking, only once. Before they became roommates. It sounded like a decent idea at the time. With an idiot like Wade, Nate had thought it could even be fun, but all of the alcohol just made Nate feel hazy and depressed. With Wade, it was worse. It made him quieter and cleared his mind. But when his mind was finally clear, there was nothing he could see that was good.

Wade had told Nate about seeing Vanessa when he died. He said if heaven existed, that was all he could ever hope for. Just the two of them in a cozy room, nestled on the couch together, forever. But he could never get in, no matter how many times he tried. She kept telling him it wasn't his time. And Wade was starting to worry that he just wasn't good enough to get there.

They didn't drink again.

Wade remembers that they went drinking, once, and that it was a bad time, but he doesn’t remember the exact details. Nate remembers that he’d thought it would be a decent method of escapism - his personal favorite - but instead the alcohol made them both more depressed and their problems harder to cope with, so they unofficially stopped altogether.

So, when Nate finds himself included in Wade’s dreamscape, he realizes that this is basically Wade’s perfect ideal, but he’s convinced he isn’t supposed to be included and he’s just a poor substitution.

It was everything Wade had ever hoped for, Nate realized. Only, Nate wasn't supposed to be here.

Just the two of them in a cozy room, nestled on the couch together, forever.

But Nate wasn't Vanessa.

And nothing ever lasted forever.

But this wasn't real.

Which meant that, just for a second, Nate could let himself pretend that it was.

Have I mentioned yet how many of these issues will be carried over into the sequel? Because that should be obvious at this point. Nothing is ever easy to resolve all in one go, unless you’re in like, idk, a fanfic or something. Also, more foreshadowing here about Nate’s conflicted feelings, being subconsciously compared to Vanessa’s former role in Wade’s life.

One more chapter, time for the POVs to merge and time for no more fantasy power crutchs to help us get through real communication problems and time to make fun of some X-Men too...

#reread #self meta #a little xo wouldn't go amiss #hoooo boy #long post #i'm so sorry mobile users

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