#he hates vulnerability so much and has so much self loathing sometimes

[hualianisms]

something i find tragic and messed up is how XL's worst trauma and HC's worst trauma are the same event - XL being stabbed 100 times. why that was traumatic for XL is self-explanatory. for HC, witnessing that was so traumatic that it single-handedly turned him into a supreme ghost king. it was the trauma of being powerless, watching his beloved go through hell unable to do a thing to stop it.

this trauma directly parallels HC's original childhood trauma, of being powerless as a child who couldn't defend himself from his bullies and abusers. he hates himself and judges himself very harshly for being "weak" as a child, blaming himself for his own trauma. just see the way he treats e'ming (who i believe represents the emotions of his child self), the way he drew himself in his mural, and the way he treated the statue of hong hong-er in the extras, and you can guess how HC views his child self.

HC's trauma response was to spend 800 years becoming the strongest possible, extremely wealthy and powerful so that he can protect and provide for his beloved the way he never could when he was a human kid or a small ghost. he also wanted to be as strong as possible so that he never has to feel like that "weak" child again. the trauma of powerlessness truly shapes so much of HC's personality

#tgcf #hua cheng #tgcf meta #my meta #just crossposting twt threads #he hates vulnerability so much and has so much self loathing sometimes #but also its soo fun to write characters who hate vulnerability bc u have to get creative when writing them being vulnerable and the angst #mp: tgcf #i need to rmb to crosspost my twt threads more bc stuff on twt is impossible to keep track of lol #theres more to say about this topic but im too physically tired rn

[gretavanlace]

Blank

Josh Kiszka x reader

18+ only! Minors do not interact!

Warnings: graphic sexual content, language, dirty talk, discussion of poor self image/shaky mental health, praise, degradation, dumbification, impact play (spanking), etc

You’re standing in front of the floor length mirror when Josh’s voice finds you…turning this way and that with your t-shirt pulled tight around your belly and a frown furrowing your brow.

“The movie’s ready, baby.” There’s a smile in his tone, and a dramatic flare, as there so often is, as he leans against the door jamb. “And I made the popcorn on the stove like you like. None of that microwaved bullshit for my darling doll.”

You’d like to find your excitement in order to match his own - movie night is his favorite night of the week. Often, it turns into several nights a week, in keeping with his passion for film and curling up snug and warm with you on the couch.

And normally, you look forward to it as well, but tonight…

Well, tonight you’d just as soon crawl into bed alone and in the dark. How else will you ever manage to tune out all those poisonous thoughts hissing through your mind? Obsidian. Ominous. Hateful.

“What are you doing, babe?” There is concern in his query. He knows you far too well.

Dropping your shirt as if it’s white hot, you slip away from the mirror, praying he’ll let the matter drop. Though, you hope in vain. You know him far too well, too. “Nothing. C’mon, whatever masterpiece you’ve selected isn’t going to watch itself.”

He steps into the room and you suppress a sigh of defeat. “Waterloo Bridge.” He clarifies, studying you intently. “And you’re a shitty liar. What’s wrong?”

“I said it’s nothing, Josh,” there’s a touch too much venom in your tone, but sometimes you wish he didn’t see so damn much. Sometimes you wish you could skate around things with him.

“And that’s a lie,” he points out, sidling up behind you when you turn away. “Do we lie to one another?”

“No.” You concede quietly as his arms cradle you from behind.

“So, would you like to try again?” His embrace is soft, but it makes you feel safe and protected all the same. He has this way about him - he is love and light, sunshine and smiles, gentle poetry…but something lies hidden away behind it all, something only you get to see, and it makes for the most deliciously dark and menacing aura when it comes out to play.

“I just,” now you’re stammering like a child caught with a crayon in her hand and scribbles on the wall.

His lips move along the nape of your neck, brushing over your skin and the whispers of hair that have fallen from your bun, “You just, what?”

“I had lunch with my sister today.” You offer meekly. Can’t he ever just leave things alone? Can’t he ever just let you curl up with your self-loathing?

“Yes,” he nods, now pecking at the curve of your jaw, “And I adore you for not making me come along…she’s exhausting.”

“I know.” His palms are now running along beneath your shirt, circling your belly with tender possessiveness…it’s soothing and filled up full of love, but you wish his hands would land somewhere a little more flattering “But she’s also truthful. She thinks I should start going to the gym with her, and she’s right.”

He stills behind you instantly, and you can feel him shaking his head, though you’ve closed your eyes against the embarrassment of it all.

Eager to fill the room up with words rather than your own vulnerability, you rush on “She’s is, though. Right, I mean. I’ve put on weight, and the older I get, the harder it will be to take off. Obviously, I’ve never been small, but—“

He cuts you off with a loose palm around your throat and a snapped, “Stop.” Breathed in your ear.

“Josh,” Christ, you want to melt into the floor, “I love you for always being so sweet, but I,”

You haven’t the chance to finish your thought and his grip is tightening, “I said, stop.”

A joke will quench the fire burning in your cheeks, “C’mon, what if I got all adorable and tiny like your little hippy girls in the crowd? I—“

A sharp pinch to the curve of your hip shocks you into silence, which he promptly fills. “Don’t say things like that. You’re fucking beautiful. Soft and warm. I want to nestle my face right here,” his hand is splayed out wide across your belly again, “and right here,” his touch drops to find the dimples in your thighs, “for the rest of my life. If we get to choose our heaven, you will be mine. Gorgeous, perfect girl.”

Now you’re struggling to squirm out of his insistent embrace. You feel too seen. And though you know he is nothing if not sincere, always…those lovely words of his, they feel like untruths.

“Josh,” you snap, a little too harshly, “let’s just go watch the movie, okay?”

But it’s too late, he has spotted the quiver at your bottom lip.

“Hey,” he spins you around to face him and you know it’s useless to shut him out at this point. “What’s going on up here, hmm?” He taps your temple gently, “Is it getting loud?”

You know he means those intrusive thoughts that plague you when the love and admiration he beams in your direction isn’t enough. He knows the way they scream and yell at you no matter how badly he’d love to quiet them for good.

Ashamed, you stare down at his t-shirt, toying with the cotton between your fidgeting fingers, “Maybe a little,” you hush.

His fist tucks under your chin, tilting your face upward, but still, you refuse his gaze. “You need it, baby?”

Voice soft and leading, he lures you out of your bashfulness just enough for you to find the bravery to blink up at him with the tiniest of nods.

“Yeah?” He sounds so unlike himself - but also, exactly like himself. “You need me to make it go away? Wipe that wild mind until you’re as blank as you are pretty?”

Josh is small, and he has never shied away from that, but in these moments, he feels larger than life…looming like a God sent to bring you peace. “Can you, please?’

With a taunting flick of your nipple, he switches on. “Well, how could I ever say no to such a sweet girl? You sound like honey when you say please.”

The warmth of his body, so near to yours, is suddenly missing, but you’re feeling a little too meek to glance up to see where he’s gone…opting to stare at your thumbnail in earnest instead, resisting the urge to pick your cuticle.

“Come on, doll,” his voice comes hushed as a siren’s secret song floating through a cove “Miss you already.”

You feel unworthy of this. Of him. Of all the tiny ways he loves you just right. How he has memorized you in and out. The way he looks at you like he could happily stare forever. How he understands even when he doesn’t quite understand…how he took your heart and turned it round and round until he had mapped out every inch. How he dives inside your mind every day and does the same, no matter how tragic and treacherous it can be to wade through those waters.

When you had stumbled upon this, it had been by accident really. A harsh crack of his palm against the globe of your ass by way of quieting you when you’d argued with his stuttering praises as he pushed into you over and over from behind. Your brain had short circuited in the most welcomed and stunning way. That stinging impact, the shock of it, the tangible pain, had left no room for cruel thoughts…your mind was muffled up like lavender cotton with nothing but Josh and what he saw fit to give.

Most times, he loves you hard enough just by being himself. Golden, shimmering aura, grinning heart, sure and tender hands…but sometimes you need this from him - and he is always willing to oblige. You hold the key that turns all his locks, and he would sink into a bed of hot coals for a nap if you thought to ask it of him.

With a clipped call of your name, he’s got you hustling across the room to fold yourself shyly over his knee at the foot of the bed.

“That’s perfect, baby.” He coos down at you, palm stroking over the backs of your thighs before bunching your t-shirt up around your waist. “Gonna make it all go away, aren’t I? Is that what you need? You need me to take it all away?”

“Please.” You sound pathetic, but already it’s a sweeter sort of shame. One you can name. One you can love.

His fingers tuck under the cotton of your panties, hooking at the soft lace that adorns the edges, straightening them as though he’s adjusting the ribbon on a present he’s waited a very long time to receive.

“If I had to guess,” he hums, a little like the kindest bully you’ve ever known, “I’d wager your pretty pussy’s feeling lonely already. Maybe a little whiny. Maybe starting to swell…” his hands continue to pet at your ass, your thighs, your hips, “I love that, you know? Watching how puffy and swollen you get. It’s adorable…and fucking sexy. Your body begs without a sound.”

Your grip is twisting into the blanket beneath you now as your cheek nuzzles against the downy softness “Josh…”

“Quiet,” he bestows a single, much too delicate smack in the wrong place. It’s too far off to the side for your liking, and he knows it. “We’ll get there. You’re gonna listen first.”

An obedient nod tugs yet another delicious hum of approval from him and you squirm lightly under his hands, thrumming with pleasure at the sound of his validation.

“You’re alright, baby…” he’s being so gentle. Too gentle. But you would lie here beneath his hands and his gaze for all of eternity if that’s what would suit him. “My poor thing just needs it, doesn’t she? Busy little head needs to just leave…” a soft swat lands upon your cheek just below the waist, “her…” another, “alone,” and another.

“Harder, Josh…” it’s a piteous plea, one that pairs nicely with the honeyed, condescending melodies drifting off his tongue.

“Tell me what you’d like me to do to you.” He’s coaxing so kindly, but you know what lurks below that shiny surface. “Say the words, my darling doll. Say the words.”

With a deep, centering breath, you find the calm in your storm by way of his scent…eucalyptus and bergamot…woodsy hint of lemon soap lingering beneath. You find strength in his presence, and love there, too.

“Spank me.” It pants out of you like an urgent prayer. “Make it stop.”

As if in punctuation to your begging, he lands a harsh, loud, cracking strike against the fat of your ass. It comes quickly, shaking your equilibrium though this is exactly what you’ve been imploring him for.

“Fuck!” The curse pushes out of your lungs, long and grateful. Blindsided and aching.

Another blow lands in exactly the same place, setting the flesh there on fire. “Yeah? Fuck?” He taunts, “That’s a good fucking doll…you just take it.”

“More,” you’re rocking around, blissful at the pain and the twitching of his hard cock beneath you.

He begins laying into you without restraint, blow after blow raining down on you like merciful salvation. Your brain is numb now - quiet, hazy and clouded with his perfect wrath.

Tears are streaking like fire down your cheeks, a graven image of mother Mary sobbing blood in a candlelit room of worship come to life. He is your alter. He is your God.

“That’s my girl,” his accolades stutter out between smack after smack until he pauses to jerk your legs apart. “You’re dripping all over me. Baby needs it right here, too?” There is his touch, love and reverence woven into the very fingerprints nudging at your covered entrance. “Dirty little cunt needs a spanking, too, doesn’t she?”

Embarrassingly, a mumbled, indecipherable sound croaks out of you, and your entire body flushes hot with an indignity you happen to relish.

“What was that?” He sounds like sex…like he’s thinking with his throbbing cock - but if your mind’s eye could see straight, you would know better. He is careful and controlled in these moments. Never losing sight of himself, never risking a move too far. “Aw, poor doll is just a dumb little baby, now? Spanked all quiet and wet? I like that, beautiful. I like that very much. No thoughts, right? Shh, no thoughts.”

Again, you manage merely a sound, a murmuring of his name no one but yourself could ever transcribe.

A violent strike buries its way into your covered folds. You jolt and cry out, writhing against his thighs, fighting for more.

You want him inside in any capacity. Fingers, tongue, cock..it matters not, just inside. That’s the only word you seem to know in this moment - inside, inside, inside. But with another sound slap against your cunt, it explodes through your nerve endings like a wire kicking up sparks and skittering against desolate, lonely pavement. You’re climaxing hard and fast, releasing all over the fleece covering his thighs, thrusting against nothing, mourning the heat of his impact though it was there for but a breath.

“Yes!” It wails out of you, warbling and wild…teeth clenched and grinding, body wound so tightly your muscles will protest and complain later.

There will come a time tonight where you’ll long for a way to thank him. For a way to call his name and cradle his face and express your absolute gratitude for this blank slate he molds your mind into…for the way he takes all the ugly and chases it right out of your orbit…

But for now, you fall limp and spent against him. Breathing heavily and deeply. Drawing oxygen way down into your chest that no longer feels so tight. And for now he’ll hear no talk of reciprocation, for now he continues to cater to you with devotion in his touch and a worshipful cast in his gaze as he slips away to draw you a bath.

Taglist: @gretasintrees @greta-van-chaos @celestialfauna @s0livagant @groggyvanfleet @kiszkathecook @brokenbellz @llightmyllovee @doodle417 @seventieswhore @jake-kiszkas-smirk @weightofdreams-gvf @imdepressedaf1996 @alisonwonderland29 @gretavanfleas @gretavangroove @sparrowofthedawn @xserenax-13 @tbagggvf @obetrolncocktails @tripthelightfandomtastic @tripthelight-fanfic @poofyloofy @jakeslovehandles @70sgroupielovr @heatmyfleet @age-of-nyahh @sammiboo162 @gretasmokerising @spicedandicedtea @jakekiszkasleftnutsack @saoirsemaeve @mywickeddivinity @thelvnternskeeper @paintmyhouse @mckenna4 @sarakay-gvf @theweightofjake @thewritingbeforesunrise @joshsmama @sammysvanfeet @rhythm-of-space @highladyofasgard @jordie-gvf-admin @calumspretty @sad1lynn @demolitionndann @gvfpal @starcatcher-jake

#greta van fleet #greta van fleet fan fiction #greta van fleet fic #greta van fleet smut #greta van fic #greta van smut #fanfic #gvf fic #josh kiszka #gvf josh #josh kiskza smut #josh kiszka fic #josh kiskza fanfic #josh kiszka fanfiction #josh gvf #josh kiszka x reader

[prettyboykatsuki]

warm-ups | sfw + rin + meeting

✭ tags ; established relationship, rin is a lovesick tsundere fool, fluff | ✭ wc ; 1.3k

✭ a/n ; im like two seconds away from taking rin off of my prompt wheels give someone else a chance im begging.

Ever since Itoshi Rin started dating you, nothing has gone his way.

Admittedly, he knows this is because he's had no control over the situation. It's a lesson he's been forced to learn so many times over it's starting to make him sick. He can't control his feelings no matter how tightly and how forcefully he holds onto them and that knowledge is something he resents everyday.

Even after aging out of his worst angsty teenage years, no amount of time has been able to soften his dislike for the idea of vulnerability. He was a sensitive, gentle sort of kid. After the incident with Sae (and the period of isolation from self-loathing that followed it), he wasn't really able to bounce back to that place. Sometimes it feels like a strange and vague dream that he only recalls when his mother reminisces about it.

The idea was in and of itself baffling. It wasn't like he was some patron saint back then either. He's always been single-minded in his own interest and involved more with his own shit than he was with other peoples.

The thing about feelings that Rin has always hated the most is how much they interact with other people. His feelings are his sure, but when things make him feel some kind of way, there's only so much he can do to snub them out. He can't get a grasp of them reasonably. They're so slippery and frustrating and agitating.

And he's tried for longer than he cares to admit to let go of them completely. But Rin, no matter how much he tries, can't be like Sae. That blasé attitude that makes everything seem like it rolls of Sae's shoulders isn't one Rin can afford. Even after some growing up and some growth and the begrudging friends he's made in the process - he never quite recovers from that truth.

At the very least, Rin figures it'd be easier if he could let himself be unaffected.

It doesn't work out that way, because when do things ever. And it becomes especially prominent in the process of falling in love.

How he's gotten into a relationship is a mystery he's yet to to solve. Rin can't think of any good reason you're dating him. Of course, if prompted he'll roll his eyes. But more candidly, he has no idea how that's worked out.

There's plenty about you that is objectively likable, though. You're nurturing and friendly and coaxing sometimes to the point of being pushy. In the process of getting to know you, he's been struck with how much you make him feel safe. Betrayal is a sore spot, he figures.

Rin trusts you with himself. He knows that even if everything burned to the ground tomorrow - you wouldn't ever air it out to the world. Not for a check or even if you hated him.

He has enough self-awareness to know that he's subpar in the emotions department. What you see in Rin is so often a mystery. Though when he works up the nerve to hint at reassurance, you kiss his cheek and sigh all lovey-dovey

("Dunno," You whisper, all warm hands and sweet touches. He hopes you don't ever figure it out "I can tell how much you love me though."

Rin scoffs. Of course he does. "You wish.")

He didn't fall in love with you on the path of least resistance. In fact, there are multiple instances where he outright sabotaged himself in the process. By being too cruel or too cold or callous.

But, because Rin never has things go his way, trying to leave it alone failed too. In fact every time you came back to him, he felt a feeling struck so deep in his heart that he couldn't look it in the face. Every time you came back and loved him so gently, he spoke a tiny and silent prayer.

Don't leave me too.

Not that Rin would ever admit that. To himself. To anyone for the record. But some part of him always hoped that he could keep you.

You've stayed, somehow. Long enough for your lives to become intertwined. He'd rather die before telling you he has to look at pictures of you before falling asleep on away games.

For better or for worse, it's all spiraled out of control. Now you're a year in and you live together. You even have a black cat (with blue eyes, which he has mixed feelings about.)

And right now, you're humming happily in his front seat and waiting to meet his friends. Something Rin would never in his entire life set-up on purpose.

But like he's said so many times before, things never work out how he wants them. And Isagi (like the backstabbing snake he is) has gone out of his way to invite you to lunch with his other teammates. Those guys are hardly his friends.

"I'm excited to meet your friends," You say, buzzing. He scoffs as he pulls into the parking lot, glancing over at you.

"They're not my friends."

"Rinnie. Baby, give it a rest. You spend more time with them than you do me, okay? Don't be silly."

Rin frowns, watching as you fix your appearance up in the mirror. He turns the ignition off and leans back with his arms crossed.

"Either way, I don't see why you're so excited."

"So I can get the autographs of a lot of handsome men who play soccer," You quip, knowing it's going to agitate him "Obviously because they're important to you. I want them to like me."

He thinks you're the last person that should ever worry about that.

"It doesn't matter to me what they think." He says, this time a little softer. You grin, pausing in your actions. You lean over the glovebox to nudge him and he turns himself to be close to you.

You're so close to him, smiling with all your teeth. He sighs.

"Aw, geez. You saying you don't care as long as you like me, right? How sweet of you."

Rin has to suppress a smile. He is disgusted with himself momentarily.

"I just think they're idiots." He lies, quite blatantly. You giggle, leaning forward. Your hand reaches up to the nape of his neck gently, sliding to his cheek. Your noses bump and Rin wants to turn the car back home and keep you all to himself. He wants to go home and sleep with you in his bed, with your cat rumbling around.

He wants to be all alone with you for an entire lifetime and he thinks it's gonna ruin him if he can't. He examines you closely. You look too nice for the general public to lay eyes on you.

"Don't be so mean, 'kay? Thanks, anyways, though."

You kiss Rin like you love him. Gingerly and playfully and whole-heartedly. Rin kisses back in the only way he knows how - clumsily and intensely and with the weight of a million unspoken desires. There's enough warmth in you for his cold, dead heart it seems.

And he is just not selfless enough to let go of it for any reason.

"You look pretty today," He says in a stupor, with just enough adoration in his system left to make him not wince. You grin big.

"You're so sweet to me."

Rin can be sweeter. Later, when you're home, he'll see if he can please you a little more.

He goes to kiss you one more time, but it gets cut short by a familiar screech.

"Everyone look! Rin is being all lovey-dovey."

The sound of Bachiras' voice makes a pang of irritation run through his entire body. He pulls away and glares through the window as his so-called friends crowd around his vehicle ooo-ing and aah-ing. He's going to fucking kill them.

He hears you from beside break out into a laugh then relents, just a little.

Nothing seems to go his way with you around, sure. But it's not like Rin particularly minds.

#warm-ups #itoshi rin x reader #bluelock x reader #itoshi rin fluff #rin x reader #rin fluff #writing tag #this is somft...

[carrymelikeimcute]

Lets talk about Izzy and why being in drag is (potentially) huge for his arc.

The verdict on Izzy in S1 seems to be either 1. he's an angry, repressed queer guy with internalised homophobia or 2. he's an angry guy with homophobia. I would like to present to you - secret option number 3. Neither of the above (but a bit of 1).

I think he's an angry queer guy, who's terrified of the danger that lurks outside of appearing constantly masc and strong, and seeing other people apparently not realise or care how vulnerable they are, drives him absolutely spare. It's more complicated than simply internalising homophobia, it's misogyny and self-loathing and a response to being at sea for his entire life and struggling to survive - and we see what just a few months of that does to Lucius.

This is reflected in his talks with Ed in S1 - Ed's whimsy in the face of the approaching Spanish ship might get them all killed. Ed's public breakdown, if it got out, would destroy the reputation that protects Ed, Izzy and their entire crew. Stede is a pet, he's a weakness, and so he needs to be eliminated. That's how Izzy functions - he has like two bits of exposed skin, one outward emotion and he's lived for a long time like that - it works. It's the kind of strength he understands. He's convinced that him reining Ed in is what's keeping them alive.

BUT in S1 he sees that being open, being yourself, isn't a death sentence - and he HATES it. Because if that's true, look how much time he's wasted.

Ed and Stede's very whimsical lighthouse fuckery WORKS. Stede, in his frilly suits with his rec room and his fucking library, skates past death over and over again like he's scotch guarded from consequences. Ed and Stede make moon-eyes at each other and no one uses that against them - until Izzy does, because it's going to happen sometime (he thinks) so it's better it's him, because at least then Ed will survive.

Lucius is just hooking up with Pete in the galley while Wee John is right there - this is something that's an unspoken part of ship life, a shameful thing, and Izzy's the only one it bothers. Lucius uses flirtation to get out of scraping barnacles under armed guard, and uses it again to shut Izzy down. Lucius isn't ashamed of being flirtatious, seductive and femme - and Izzy loses to that tactic. He can't beat it with yelling and anger. It's a sort of strength he doesn't expect or understand - the strength that comes from knowing who you are. Of 'carrying yourself like you're cute' - because if you're confident, it'll work.

But he still has a huge amount of resentment for anyone who is allowed to be themselves - because he can't be. Especially in Ed's case - one of them has to be 'the strong one' and he thinks that's him.

Then, Season 2 happens.

In the space of a few episodes, Izzy learned that sharing your feelings is fucking difficult, painful and takes a lot of courage. He's had no choice but to be weak, spilling out all these ugly emotions and being physically dependant on others and in that weakness he wasn't destroyed - he was rebuilt. A little bit of that guard comes down and it doesn't kill him. So, he takes his shirt off and no one stabs him in the back. He's got a gold unicorn leg and he still absolutely wrecks shit up on a raid. He does something a little arty, opens up a tiny bit to Lucius, and he still doesn't die. It doesn't make things worse, it makes them better.

Enter, the drag episode. Suddenly, we've got Izzy in drag. A masculine style of drag, but still, drag. All that internal change, the shifting meaning of strength and masculinity, is externalised, but he's still himself - his face tattoo is redrawn as part of the makeup because it's still his face, if anything, it's MORE his than ever - AND THEN THE SHIP GETS ATTACKED, his worst nightmare - he's as far from hyper-masc as he can be, and now he's in danger.

BUT

In the teaser, we see Izzy telling people who are, presumably there to torture him and the crew, that it's just going to turn him on. He's using Lucius' technique of disarming people with flirty banter. I can't see S1 Izzy being able to do that.

He gets to dress in drag, be sassy and still win a fight because he's strong as shit and that doesn't go away just because he allows himself to be other things too.

#ofmd meta #ofmd spoilers #izzy hands #yes I'm still writing essays about mah boys #ofmd s2 #our flag means death #ofmd

[p0rchc0ll4ps3]

kim............. just some headcanons for how i characterize him. i might be missing somethings. i might add to this. this is very disorganized but it's fine

He wears cologne

He was raised by a Dolores dei church orphanage, hence why he’s very slightly religious (he prays. Occasionally. And he’s respectful in churches)

He’s very attached to his car, refers to it in his head with she/her and sees it as a motherly figure

Eyes didn’t die immediately. Instead Kim had to watch over him and take care of him, just like with harry, but eyes died in his sleep

Kim has a serious amount of self-loathing and is REALLY critical of himself due to shit when he was a kid and the shit he got working juvie

As such he really likes how harry much worships him

He likes to listen to insulindian classical music like operas and symphonies because as a kid the church orphaning him tried to indoctrinate him and erase his culture. He didn’t even have any culture, and all they ended up doing was making him love the country. This is also why he knows so much history

He also listens to it as a big fuck you to the fascists bc it’s fascist music (bc it’s really national, like the music of the country) and the fascists would hate to know someone who looks like him listens to their music

As a kid, the orphanage referred to him by last name, so he refers to himself by his last name in his head because it’s a way of being formal with himself and keeping up his image (also kinda’ says he is his own father figure, since the closest thing to a father figure he had was the dolorian priest that ran the orphanage, and he referred to all the kids by their last names)

The only person who ever referred to kim by his first name was eyes who was the only other person who really saw Kim for who he was

Kim used to be a really pissed off kid, and he used to respond to injustice with rage, but it kept getting him into trouble. Eyes had to teach him how to calm down and deal with the shit, and he was the only person who was kind to Kim

Kim reflects a lot of what eyes taught him in his own interactions with people; it’s why he gives people the benefit of doubt, and it’s why he’s so kind to harry. It’s kinda’ like eyes passed the mentorship down to Kim and now Kim’s teaching harry

Kim genuinely tries to be kind with people because he doesn’t want anyone to have to deal with the shit he’s dealt with

He doesn’t like to ask for help though. Has a real hard time with that because that shows vulnerability

Kim has a little picture of eyes in his wallet and he talks to him and updates him when he misses him. He will never get over his death. He will tear himself apart about it forever. He seriously still blames himself for eyes’s death, even though he did all he could, and he’s spent many nights replaying it over in his head to see how he could’ve done it better

Kim’s buried the “Kim” in him so deep, he’s started to be closed off even when he’s alone, always putting on a false face, pretending he’s much more put together and professional than he is internally. The only time he really lets loose is when he’s in the kineema alone, and sometimes in his room in the dark

Harry calls him Kim so much, Kim starts to love himself again Otherwise he’s just trying to ignore the past, trying to fix the past, or trying to keep himself together. He’s afraid if he relaxes even once, he’ll slip up

He has some kinda’ general anxiety disorder, very well stifled, but it comes up when harry does anything stupid or late at night after a long day when he worries if he said the wrong thing earlier. He’s always trying to make sure things r going smoothly, and he deals with mistakes really badly (internally. On the outside he’s professional as hell about them)

He’s very hard on himself and thinks really lowly of himself

He thinks he’s never been anyone’s favorite person (even if there was eyes, he thought eyes was too cool for him, and that Kim could never be as cool as him (though eyes wanted to tell him how much he meant to him, but he couldn’t because he DIED))

He’s kinda’ silly. He has a lot of interests he’s picked up from the kids he’s worked with such as really harsh electronic music and wirral, among others (though he likes the electronic music bc it makes him feel like shit)

He’s really nerdy / geeky. Likes machines, cars, has a very specific obsession with aerostatics. He has so many books he’s read over and over. He just thinks they’re really cool. Something always fascinated him about flight. Maybe because it’s so freeing

I think his cosplay is literally something he just does for fun because he can get away with it. It makes him feel cool. He’s always in the pursuit of being cool

He likes games he can micromanage where there’s a lot of moving parts he has to strategize really deeply. It gives him a challenge and it’s also a sense of control

He’s always taking notes. He’s gone through so many notebooks. He’s afraid if he doesn’t write things down, he’ll miss something important that’ll get someone killed, but also it’s a way to pay attention to what someone’s saying without having to look at them (meaning he doesn’t have to act a certain way. It gives him a break)

He writes his notes in shorthand. Harry can read them, just like harry knows French (innate things he never forgot)

He’s got a lot of rage in him that he’s gotten really good at controlling, but it comes back out when anyone’s racist towards him or thinks less of him, though he tries really hard to keep it down

He’s scared to open up because it’s gotten him really hurt before.

He’s got wall after wall built up around his soul

He has a little box he tries to stay in where it’s safe, and when things challenge that, or when things try to pull him out of the box, he insists on staying in the box because he’s scared of leaving it because things outside the box are no longer under his control

Harry’s slowly loosening him up and Kim’s learning how to let go a little more bc harry keeps challenging him and pulling him out of that box (like with the cryptids. Kim’s like that shit’s not real shut up I don’t want my reality challenged with even the Consideration that there are things beyond my control. And harry’s like well Kim the nature of the universe is that everything is out of your control and either you succumb to it and ride it or you die. Also cryptids Are real and I’m gonna find them and you’re coming with me. And then they DO find them. And it’s so freeing for Kim to let go and let things happen to him and to like. Actually experience the world without the fear that he starts to let himself be a lot more open to it all. (Plus he trusts that if harry’s there, it’ll all be ok. That if something gets fucked, they can work through it together. He’s never had anyone else to work through shit with. He finally doesn’t have to do everything alone.))

The pale freaks him out bc it’s the ultimate unknown. He doesn’t like thinking about it, he doesn’t like talking about it, he just pretends it doesn’t exist / doesn’t dwell on it

Also after eyes dies, he has no one to back him up and support him anymore, so he really toughens up and hardens and gets his Cool Exterior after that. It’s big protection thing, and also in the very beginning he tries to manifest and become eyes bc he has no fucking clue how to deal with losing him other than becoming him. He’s slowly dropped off that, but he still tries to be cool and put together and professional. Its bc of the racism he has to be tough and bc he was working juvie he always couldn’t act his age even though he was an adult (and he really doesn’t want to be seen as a child anymore. He wants to be Trusted to handle things like an adult). He was also scared the grief was getting to him and he was scared of how much control he was losing

WAIT I FORGOT HE'S GAY THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WHY HE TRIES TO BE PROFESSIONAL ok thank you that's all. for now

#c4rg0f1l3s #my writing #disco elysium #disco elysium spoilers #kim kitsuragi #harry du bois #kimharry #idk feel free to add i may or may not adopt them into my lexicon #ive seen posts also i took some things from those like the music one (his liking bad music) #but most of this is mine #ummm. grasps him. yeah that's all #marfă din elysium

[skylarsblue]

Aight. I don’t have full oneshots for C.o.D, cause I don’t trust my writing ability yet. HOWEVER, I have two concepts for oneshots that I need to put somewhere. So uh…I guess, they can count as practice wips? Anyway.

✦Two C.o.D Wip Concepts ✦

✦Concept 1; Just…comfort fluff? Cause Ghost is a big sad man under that mask, he’s gotta be with all those daddy issues. Fem!Reader because I wrote it for myself on a Fem! Day. Tried to edit it to be GN! Instead but if I missed something, that’s why.

✦Concept 2; Also kinda comfort fluffy. Warning for some vague noncon scenarios that come with the job(nothing detailed and not intended to be seen as full noncon.) Basically a fem fatal!reader that often plays the bait for certain missions.

✧Ghost Scene Wip✧

“You’ve handled trauma so much better than I have…you’re not bitter. How?…why trust anyone?”

“Because being angry all the time sounds exhausting. Even if I want to be. I think you consider yourself broken beyond repair, but I don’t see you that way.”

.

.

.

“You can trust me…I know that’s not easy, but I promise. Shhh, don’t close up on me. You’re safe here, we’re alone. I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you.” The mask slips off gentle and he’s left bare, exposed and vulnerable for the first time in a long time. He looks away, to preserve his dignity, out of embarrassment, shy. “There you are…” Their hand cups his face with a gentleness he’s practically never felt before. Sweet and warm, gently guiding him to look at them again. They’re standing so for once he has to look up, not the other way around. They smile, full of kindness and affection. “So, I’ve met Ghost, I’ve met my Lieutenant. Who are you now?”

He swallows past a lump in his throat, tense but relaxed all at once. He wants to fight it. Hide again, shield himself. But he answers them in a deep and whispered voice. “Simon.” They let out a short, amused huff. “Nice to meet you Simon. Fitting name…and might I say you have a gorgeous face.” They coo, making him bashful in a way he despises. He scoffs and tries to look away again, but they insist on the eye contact. “I mean it, ya know. Always thought you were pretty under there and hey, I was right.” He feels their thumb gentle caress a scar on his jaw.

He’s exposed, vulnerable. He hates it, loathes it, it feels nauseating to be so displayed open for them.

He hopes it never ends.

✧Captain Price Concept ✧

“It’s just that…I dunno. It’s so uncomfortable every time. It’s my job, and I really don’t mind in the long term, because it’s my job. But it never gets easier to be forced to put up with being touched and sleazed over by those men. Even if I’m technically letting it happen, it’s because I have to. It really shoots at your self assurance when you don’t have a choice. But, it’s not like you can just walk up to someone you do trust and say “hey, I’ve made this choice, you can touch me”. That’s fuckin’ weird!”

“….hm.”

“Ah-…” she sighs. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to throw all that up on you, Cap.”

“No no, please, by all means. You got a tough job none of us have to deal with. And it sounds…honestly, a lot worse than I originally thought.”

“Yeah well…eh. I can handle it. It’s just…upsetting that I can’t have the say, sometimes.”

John hums and flicks some ash from his cigar, exhaling the smoke into the wind. “You trust me?” He asks. She looks over in slight confusion before her face softens, and she speaks with sincerity. “With my life.” A more intense response than he had expected, and he had to hide the split second of surprise from showing on his face. He lets out a small hum as she looks away. He takes another drag of his cigar and exhaled slowly. In her peripheral, she sees his hand held out, waiting. She then looks at his face. “Only if you want.” Is all he says. She blinks, processing, before she looks back at his hand. A gentle and slightly emotional smile breaks across her face, a breathy laugh leaving her throat.

Her hand rests in his palm and she gives his hand a squeeze. “Good choice?” He asks as he allows her to take his calloused hand. Running her nails over small scars and the lines of his palm, he holds back the urge to shiver. The woman lets out a noise of content. “Yeah…yeah I like this choice.” She admits quietly, nodding. Silence passes between them again, it’s comfortable. He only glanced over when he feels the weight of her head on his shoulder, her hands still fiddling with his own. She sighs peacefully. “Thank you, Captain.” She mumbles, voice thick with adoration and honey. It makes him feel warm, something he hasn’t felt without the aid of bourbon in awhile.

“Don’t mention it, soldier.”

Am I ever gonna finish these? Probably not. But maybe someone else will get inspired enough to write something with these concepts and I won’t have to do the work(/lh /j). Anyway, welcome to the product of brainrot.

#call of duty #modern warfare 2 #simons a sad man #he’s got natural sad puppy eyes #he’s a grown man but I don’t care I’m right #modern warfare x reader #simon ghost riley #simon riley x reader #ghost cod #ghost x reader #captain john price #john price x reader #price cod #cod mw2 #blurb #wip stuff #brainrot

[ladylyra]

I'm ngl I've been dying to ask about them and I love when you talk about your characters so I was wondering if maybe you'd be interested in talking a lil about Lucille, Lihue, and Souta? I'm kinda curious about their dynamic but also just them as characters so it's up to you how you want to answer!! Thank you!

i'll talk about them independently and then their dynamics!! thank you for asking!! sorry i talked a lot not a little

lucille is a very others-focused person; if she has the opportunity to help someone out, she will. she enjoys feeling like she is doing the right thing, of course, but she also craves the praise and attention that comes along with it. she's very expressive and silly, which can make her 'funny' to observe, but she's got a different sense of humor than someone like souta; i can't really imagine her ever making a habit of serious jokes at someone else's expense. she really just wants everyone to feel welcome and like they have a place. her greatest weakness is probably her lack of focus and her need for external validation; she has a lot of ideas in her head of what she feels is right and what she should do, but heavily relies on the discipline of others around her to help with implementation and "streamline" her goals and formulate concrete plans. She's gotten better at doing this on her own with age and experience, though, so she's been able to be more independent and an effective leader. she's constantly trying to see the best in others, and their potential, so she can get caught down rabbit holes of situations she may be better off abandoning.

lihue is all about self improvement and efficiency. she hates wasting her time and if she's involving herself in something, it is usually because she feels like there's something she can learn from it. to her, skill acquisition is how she gains self-sufficiency; relying on others too much makes her uncomfortable and she has huge issues with vulnerability. she tries to approach all emotions from an analytical lens and can come off as insensitive as a result. while this emotional neglect impacts others, it has also impacted herself greatly; she is normally very decisive, but her reluctance to pay mind to her emotions has left an experience gap, making her hesitant, scared, and unsure in vulnerable exchanges she considers far outside her depth. rather than wade through her emotions, she holds others at a distance. this is her biggest fault, and something she is actively working on; despite her attitude, which can sometimes come off as if she thinks herself better than others, she is highly self critical, and she doesn't feel like she can ever do enough to distance herself from her past actions.

souta can come off as a "just here to have fun" sort of guy on the surface, but he's far more deep than he lets on, and he takes a lot of enjoyment in seeing others try to understand him. a lot of the things he says and does are to see how others respond, noting their patterns and behaviors, information he stores for use later. because of this, it comes off like he always has a reply to whatever is thrown at him--some detail said offhandedly in a previous convo? he probably remembers that. some nervous tick? he saw that, too. as you may expect, he has a teasing problem, which can make serious conversations a struggle to attain; sometimes, this is just him getting caught up in conversations he sees as games he can win, other times it is a deliberate effort to obfuscate since he does have, to a smaller degree, vulnerability issues like lihue. because he has no memory of his life as a human, he places a great value on his current life and works to carve out a unique identity and purpose; whether that past person was good or bad, he does not want to define himself or be defined by others as someone he doesn't even view as himself. he likes to maintain a sense of independence and control over his life--he loathes ever feeling obligated to do something, and he would rather everything be a product of his own choice. to him, that makes his loyalty worth even more, right?

OKAY NOW THE SEPARATE DYNAMICS

lucille and souta have definitely gotten the most time together. he finds her authenticity and self-sacrificing nature admirable and she's very fun to watch. she's expressive and doesn't tend to hide her thoughts, so it's instant gratification whenever he does something. i don't see him as someone who is super approval-seeking normally ( he's pretty confident on his own) but i think he is a little desperate (won't admit it) for lucille to like him and to find him funny. she was definitely the one most interested in learning about his past life / backstory. the attention was a feeling he got hooked on and got really into baiting, until the point that it began to make her overthink things and for him to start feeling not seen for who he was in the present. they both enjoy being around someone they can have fun with, so they can sometimes forget to GET SERIOUS but they have some good serious moments too (she makes him more committal and honest, he makes her more introspective, both start to think a little more long term because they want the other person there, ect). i didn't plan them from the start, and i only began to explore them after lihue had left. i think comparing them as lucille's 'options' is natural as a result. souta offers a lot that lihue never did; he's a little evasive when hes a tease, but he also doesn't hesitate to validate lucille when she needs it, and he finds her reactions as a result just as satisfying. his decision to follow her also means a lot to her; she's someone who values loyalty highly, and it is difficult for her to let people she loves go. with him, she doesn't find herself questioning loyalty or if he loves her, which means a lot to her.

lucille and lihue were far more planned early-on. i feel their personalities compliment more obviously: high extroversion vs high introversion, lucille is more head-in-the-clouds, lihue is more practical and efficient. lucille's warm and accepting, lihue is critical and severe. with them, i think a mistake would be to believe that lihue was somehow the more mature one. lucille is more upbeat, seemingly "gullible", and allows her herself more vulnerability, but this permission to feel isn't immaturity; it is an acceptance she may be hurt, but she'll take the risk because she wants the chance to connect with others. lihue runs from situations she is scared of and hurts people like lucille as a result. even as she learns this to be wrong, she feels she can never recover from what she has done. it's a game of lucille forgiving and giving chances, and lihue feeling she doesn't deserve the chances or isn't ready for anything lucille has to offer. there's some merit to this; lucille shouldn't have to tolerate being hurt because she is living for someone's potential, but she truly does want lihue in her life, whether it be as a friend or something else, so she's just working on being a good person and someone lihue can rely on once she allows herself that vulnerability. another thing with them is sorting through if you still like a person or if you like your memories of them, since they did originally like each other when they were younger, and a lot of time has passed since then; they are trying to navigate this as more mature people. definitely a big hurdle is that lihue's past behavior does make lucille paranoid about the future, but she's managing this by just being realistic with her expectations and accepting she can't control lihue, only herself.

well well well……….souta and lihue. souta does not feel threatened by lihue at all; he sees her as highly predictable, easy to run circles around, and definitely easy to poke fun at. he'd probably be more inclined to be 'harsher' to her than to lucille because lihue wants to act tough all the time. since she's so self-critical, she'd probably expect that he'd be more confrontational toward her over lucille (she deserves it right?) but he isn't actually. he talks to her about it casually or just makes small jabs about it, but nothing that would start a fight. serious fights aren't his vibe and he thinks lucille can voice her feelings herself. lihue might feel a little jealous that he offers a lot that she feels she cant. BUT BESIDES THE LUCILLE FACTOR. i did intend them to be friends early in the comic. they often appeared more as a pair before lihue left the team. lihue sees him as someone who is highly intelligent but who wastes his time on things that are too inane. she doesn't see the logic in his behavior and feels he wastes a lot of time on things that don't matter. like lucille, he's distinguished from lihue by his extroversion, but he's less silly; he's also a little bit more intimidating because he doesn't see the need to be careful with her. likewise, she also doesn't waste time sparing his feelings, so i can imagine their exchanges coming off as incredibly harsh or direct, and potentially off-putting to outsiders. i think they have a 'bite' to them which has its own appeal--i think she'd eventually catch up to his teases and try to be just as ruthless back.

i definitely have my personal biases for what i feel is 'best' for certain characters and what is most narratively satisfying (whole separate conversation), but i enjoy exploring them all and think they've got interesting drama. i think about them a lot. they have a playlist. i have songs. theyre always on my mind

#lucille #lihue #souta #platinum 2

[surveillance-0011]

Galeem and Dharkon head canons: Redux

Remake of an old post. Dharkon and HCs for their dynamics with each other and the smashers below the cut for length

Galeem

any, tends to default to he/they but is totally partial to whatever

maverique , pan + aroaspec. only very rarely experiences attraction.

Wishes to change the world into one that suits his likeness out of a sense of entitlement and superiority. He thinks the world as it is now is dull and overcomplicated and wishes for one revolving around himself, drenched in light

A very selfish and prideful individual, out of touch for sure.

Presents itself as elegant, sophisticated sort of deity. Cares a lot about presentation and any attack on his ego will be met with an eternal grudge.

They get very humiliated when they are proven wrong and when their facade of coolness breaks. Because it does. A bit more often than Galeem would like too.

They try to act unaffected but they get very emotional. Galeem is always at the extremes when they're upset or even happy.

Genuinely scared of the dark to an extent. He's very glad he glows.

Doesn't really need to eat or drink but can do so and sometimes feels the drive to. Likes cute lil pastries and fruit. Not huge on chocolate though and won't each much of anything else.

Doesn't like most of the smashers but has grown to respect most over time. Likes Kirby the most now that the burning rage has faded and kirby sneaks him bites of cake when he can is nice enough

Also has some bias over the more light-aligned smashers esp Palutena and Pit

Giving the Hands the cold shoulder still. Mocks them behind their backs. Sort of teases MH about being able to control the guy but MH is like "shush you lost you can give it up it's not my first rodeo". though MH is totally still bothered.

Likes classical and very cinematic sort of music.

Loves sunny days, dislikes stormy weathers. That being said, he enjoys snow.

Dharkon

any, defaults to she/he/it in no particular order but as w/ galeem it doesn't matter all that much

genderfluid sapphic/trixic. Greyro? sad little girlboy-boygirlthing

Can change its voice to sound more fem, masc or even in between. Sometimes it does so because of a change in mentality as well (vulnerable,strong,angry, friendly) Its voice is often deep, raspy and rumbling.

This also means he can mimic voices with a lil bit of time and effort. Totally uses this to taunt people.

Wants to plunge the world into darkness out of hatred and apathy for virtually all life. Wishes to be alone with only like individuals in a world of gloomy anarchy.

Certainly very selfish but he's got like. Reverse superiority-inferiority complex. Self loathing but also so hateful of everything else that he decided his way was still the better option. like does that make sense. doomer blackpilled nihilist reddit core.

Not unlike ridley he's smart but sees no need to communicate this. Clever but from a rougher school of thought and can't be assed to talk to people he doesn't respect.

Same as Galeem, doesn't need to eat food in the traditional sense but will do so out of boredom or cravings. Likes rich chocolate and hearty meaty foods. Great spice tolerance also. Eats much more than Galeem 2 fill the void.

Sensitive to light, especially in its weakened spirit form. This keeps him inside, when he is allowed to go out he stays in the shade or waits until twilight and night. Fond of rainstorms and cloudier weather.

Has also warmed up to Kirby somewhat. Still holding a grudge but she's starting to see the humor in being beat by a lil pink puffball, too tired to be angry about it anymore. Not to mention how Kirby is extending an olive branch

More fond of the villains. Has probably talked to Ridley, Seph and Ganon if they approach him.

Also thinks Sonic is kind of cool. Dharkon is Guy Who Only Listens To Sonic Soundtrack ig. That's the sorta person she is.

Likes rock and metal.

Drilled into the Hands for not being able to protect the smashers. Master Hand might've cried a lil about it. ok he totally did. But Dharkon has warmed up a little to Crazy Hand but hasn't been able to reconcile

Slowly starting to be less misanthropic but could still benefit from therapy and some prozac.

Together

Kept under pretty high security with lots of limitations, but allowed some freedom to keep them from being totally miserable.

Allowed to roam around every now and then.

Though it may seem rather odd to not really punish them strongly, the beatdown they've faced and permanent servitude as spirits alongside Typical Smash antics are punishment enough in the Hands' eyes (erm, lack thereof?). And, considering they did what they did out of greed and dissatisfaction, keeping them relatively happy now that their egos are in check seems like the right thing to do.

Clowned on 24/7. The fighters that feel comfortable enough to approach them tend to be teasing or will outright use them for pranks and whatnot.

Kirby is sternly kind to them, willing to turn the other cheek as long as they don't turn back to their old ways. Would totally wipe the floor with them if need be.

For others, the water is not under the bridge. Many want nothing to do with them. Some like Villager, the Ice Climbers and Duck Hunt Duo are terrified of them. Others are hostile. Oddly enough, the pikmin of all folks fall under this latter group and are extremely aggressive towards Galeem and Dharkon. In turn, these forces of light and dark have learned to fear them. Olimar is almost apologetic about it but above all else he just doesn't want his pikmin getting wiped off the face of the earth. Alph gets a little bit of a kick out of it.

Mario isn't having any bullshit. He's very cautious about the whole ordeal and will even admonish the more mischievous individuals that go out of their way to try and rile the two up. Palutena, Rosalina, Peach, Link and Samus are also very, very cautious and keep a close eye out.

Some of the villains are curious about their power, namely Ganon and Sephy. They'd like to harness their powers probably. Ridley is also curious, moreso about Dharkon but it's more like he's sizing them up for revenge.

Wario is still figuring out a way to make a quick buck off of 'em. He almost got Galeem into a mlm scheme that one time. Bowser is more cautious and cares less about trying to win them over and more about trying to avoid them bc he's mad abt his kids being hurt.

Mewtwo is also cautiously curious.

They're enemies but. Sometimes they seem a little. hm. maybe you should just kiss abt it. or something. frolic in the fields. hit each other with squeaky hammers. don't actually stab each other. thanks.

if they could stop arguing they'd be a cool evil couple. They'd be great partners in crime because they do bounce off of each other well on the occasion that they're on the same wavelength. Even when they clash, there is beauty in the way they work off of each other.

The two were kind of friends once upon a time. Whatever happened to them? No one knows, and they won't speak.

They kinda sorta apologized about WOL to each other but it's like. The spongebob scene where they're like "id hate you even if i didn't hate you" that's them 24/7 still. And they're always getting into petty disagreements.

They haven't formally apologized about it to the smashers though.

Dharkon enjoys challenging Galeem and is usually the instigator of their conflicts, but Galeem also angers Dharkon a lot through his smug behavior. Neither apologizes or forgives easily. Galeem can be bribed or buttered up, but Dharkon needs time for sure. And a valid apology.

It's very can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em, tried both. They really cannot imagine life without each other.

#hey ladies im sephy #ssbu headcanon #ssbu headcanons #super smash bros #super smash brothers #ssbu #super smash bros ultimate #super smash ultimate #headcanon #headcanons #galeem #dharkon #theyre like a ren and stumpy sort of deal to me #beat each other with hammers type of yuri. #or like. plankton krabs #in their divorce arc

[lodessa]

Doing a little season 3 rewatch of Veronica Mars to make sure things line up right in The Backup and oh boy . . .

So many of my lingering complaints immediately resurfaced there's also stuff I had forgotten about (and even some stuff that rewatching is like "oh, they were actually doing a thing") but here's a couple thoughts four episodes in:

The cast is still too jam packed, the years haven't changed my opinion on that, and it makes so many things seem forced or spread thin.

Some of this is things like spending all this time of Dick but (after an initial episode where it seemed like maybe he was going to have some actual character arc following what happened in season 2) just having him be the same old Dick. Some of it is trying so hard to make Piz matter or whatever. Some of it is no one's plotlines actually truly entertwining.

And you can definitely see the fanservicing rounding off of Logan's character happening, but hot damn I forgot I missed him. Like Rose Tyler of Doctor Who, the fannish monomania over the years has made me reflexively flinch from his very name but Logan is so damned compelling. He's so wounded and self loathing, messy, but also somehow still so tender. A victim of so much loss and abuse and he does fucked up shit and Veronica is right not to trust him sometimes, but he's also just such a damned woobie (I have not used that term in so long I almost forgot it) in the way that is so addictive (and destructive because the impulse is always ultimately to lose all the things that actually make that vulnerability interesting in the interests of saccharine perfection.

My boy, Weevil. I weep. I scream. I tear my hair. I dream of Mars, Mars, & Navarro Investigations. He's flawed and he's angry and he makes mistakes, but Eli Navarro is also so smart, dogged, insightful. He hates injustice, drugs, and abuse. He's crazy hyper competent. want someone to figure out the truth, fix the body of your car, get the AC working? He can do any of that with a facility you didn't ask for or expect. (Maybe don't have him take your phone calls though, at least not without some actual training.) And what does he really want? A chance. The opportunity to do something that matters. Someone to look at him and see something of value (because he sure doesn't right now).

Which really should have been the through line of this season and these characters. Logan is terrified of being his dad, of actually trying and failing at college, of being alone. Weevil is trying to keep his head down and get by, but it is humiliating and awful and he wants so much to prove he is more than that. Like both of them, Mac is afraid she's broken, that she can't move past what happened with Cassidy, that she doesn't know how to be close to anyone. Dick should be confronting the fact that what happened with his brother and dad did shake him and he's not impervious. Wallace's half assed plot line about struggling to maintain both school and basketball could have been so much more about the transition from high school and college and worrying that you aren't actually special or good enough. Even Keith is doubting his judgement, as a professional and as a father to a certain extent. And Veronica, Veronica is afraid that she can't move on: can't trust, can't hold on to friendships, can't move past her high school relationship. But I know that the show doesn't actually go there with any of these plotlines, so to speak. It doesn't have time to, nor does it want to.

#veronica mars #lodessa rewatches vm

[ellekhen]

31 and 32! 😃

31. Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

My favorite voice to write in has been Astarion's by far. He's calculating yet impulsive. He's selfish yet loyal. He's cynical yet vulnerable. He's aloof yet keen. Outwardly he's vain and self-assured, but inwardly his self-loathing and doubts claw at him. He's full of contradictions and therefore such a fun, challenging, and complex voice to write - especially when he's still figuring out ~feelings~ and the bonds he forms with his companions.

I fully subscribe to the "Astarion is a Cat" statement - he's adamant at times and flailing at others, he can be spicy AND soft, and when he hates you he really, violently hates you...

...but when he loves you... he really freakin' loves you.

Writing Ascended Astarion was a bit of a challenge but I still enjoyed it. It's similar to his "normal" voice, yet filled with so much more problematic rationalization. He's missing that inner voice that questions himself, (which, as it turns out, is very important to being a loving, empathetic being!)

Aside from its first chapter, Hand, Hearth, and Home wasn't planned to have any Astarion POV scenes because much of that timeline has already been depicted in other fics. But because I've enjoyed writing in his voice so much and readers have responded well to those narrative scenes in other fics, they've definitely become more featured in that fic (and is possibly why it's growing out of my control now haha.)

And of course, just behind him is naturally my sweet boy, Church. :') I hoped to make Church's narrative voice quite different from Astarion's - sometimes a straight-up foil to it. He argues with himself a lot more and has a lot more intrusive voices. He's an overthinker, a people-pleaser, a black-and-white thinker at times, empathetic to a fault, and he's driven by his emotions. He's got a bit of a martyr-complex - passionate and earnest to the point of self-destruction, believing that his short life won't be worth it unless he throws his whole self into protecting others.

I had to reflect on this while writing this reply because, yes - a lot of my own neuroses as the author are projected onto Church. I don't think he's a self-insert though because I am not in fact a lovely, magical, tiefling twink (regrettably.) Church is basically the magical friend I've wished to have at some of the lowest points in my life. Sometimes even these days, it's comforting to just imagine chilling with him. :)

"Church loves with the intensity of the sun" and I wanted to show that - while Astarion is standoffish, in contrast I love having a character who is openly affectionate even in platonic relationships. He's like that one friend we all have who is loving and loyal on the surface, but underneath all of it they're an anxious, self-deprecating mess with terrible self-esteem.

32. Copy and paste your top three favorite lines/jokes/sentences you’ve ever written. What fics do they come from?

(It was so hard to pick three! So here's MORE.)

From my BG3 series A tale of suns, moons, and our lives in between:

"When you watch a sunrise a thousand years from now, I hope you remember that scared little tiefling who drew you pictures. I hope by then you will have forgiven me for what I did to save you." (Mirror, mirror, Chapter 26)

^ Maximum psychic damage from Mirrorverse/Illithid Church's last letter to Astarion.

(More below the fold...!)

“Do you think that pretty elf really wants you?” Auntie Ethel simpers from somewhere above them. “You’re just meat that sucks him off while he sucks you dry. But maybe you just like to be used, petal…!” (Hand, Hearth, and Home, Chapter 25)

^ I dunno, I just really had a lot of fun coming up with mean things for Auntie Ethel to say while taunting the party. :')

“You loved me — and you have feared me — because of everything you thought I could do,” the Mother murmurs wryly. “As so many little boys do of their mothers. You thought me a goddess. (Hand, Hearth, and Home, Chapter 26)

^ I think this bit from The Mother really encapsulates her complicated relationship with Church. Also the moment this is said is pretty messed up, to be quite frank.

"To look in a mirror is one thing, but to see how one is reflected in a loved one’s eyes? For Astarion, there is no better treasure. And, from the tiefling’s shining eyes and that smile that lights up with indescribable wonder, delight, and love... Church clearly thinks so, too." (Mirror, mirror, Chapter 27)

^ I remember I was really having trouble phrasing this ending without it sounding awkward, but I just kind of rolled with it and I don't regret it. After such an intense and angsty story it just ends the fic on such an optimistic palate-cleanser of a note.

“I will consider it,” Church intones. “Perhaps I will even visit you — when I am ready.” Its tentacles undulate idly as it regards the vampire with curiosity. “It could be years. Decades. Even then, are you willing to wait for my response?” The vampire ascendant hesitates. And then he leans up onto his toes, taking one of the mind flayer’s tentacles in hand. With a genteel, deliberate motion, he presses a kiss to it. (When Your Mind's Made Up, Chapter 20)

^ I loved sharing this moment for a very bittersweet ending. There's just so much uncertainty here but the tiniest spark of hope that, as a reader or an author, we're not sure whether we want to catch fire or not after everything that has happened, and after how much both of them have changed.

“...then we’ll help you remember,” Gale insists, clasping his hands tightly over the illithid’s. “And even if all those memories become just a story to you, then…”  He smiles shakily up at Church.  “Well, it’ll be a hell of a tale. And at least we’ll still have our friend — whoever you become.” (When Your Mind's Made Up, Chapter 19)

^ As an illithid, Church is so afraid of losing its mind. I've met folks in real life terrified of the same thing as they get older. I think this is one of the kindest lines/moments I've written as it shows the moment Church realizes how loved it still is, despite how it has changed and will continue to change.

From my Non-BG3 fic:

Sadly, some of my favorite lines I've written aren't even from BG3 fics. I have a long-fic I've been working on for the *very small* Citizen Sleeper fandom called Sleeper, wake up, which was my first ever fic! (And it's an absolute monster that I've been neglecting ever since my BG3 hyperfixation started.)

To be honest the main character of that one is basically still Church. (So I guess I have a type.)

“So often we are at the mercy of the dice we roll,” he doesn’t let go of you, and you know for certain that he’s not talking about Tavla. “But an unlucky roll at the beginning doesn’t determine the outcome of the game. It all has to do with the decisions we make when fate offers us an option.” He beams at you. “Isn’t that something extraordinary, Sleeper?” (Chapter 23) 

"Here… here it’ll always be the same. New corporations, new unions, new faces… but always the same music. And I dunno, Sleeper.” His voice hitches in a part-sob, part-laugh. “I don’t wanna dance anymore.” (Chapter 28) “Watching her grow up — whether it’s in the Sidereal or on the Eye. If it means turning down my ticket, then…” you shrug. “I’ll still have won. I’ll still have you two.” You look up at him and it’s difficult, with the weight of all you’re admitting. “Because it’s all I’ve ever wanted.” (Chapter 28)

“You fucked up. So what? It doesn’t define your existence. And the only way you can begin to fix what you think you broke is if you accept that it happened, and that you must endure it. If not for your sake, then for the sake of the rest of us whose existence is made just a bit more bearable by yours.”

“You are not the Eye, kid. You can rest. Unlike the Eye, you grow. You heal. You endure out of love, not spite, or some long-passed ideals that no one except union bureaucrats parrot cycle after cycle. You’ll form new bonds, find new reasons to exist. And if you can’t find them here?” Dragos gestures vaguely upwards. “The galaxy is big. You can go wherever the hell you want. But you’ll never know them, you’ll never find them if you end things now.”

“When you love someone,” he murmurs. “It certainly feels like it transcends logic. It looks erratic, impulsive to others.  “But the truth is, love is so different from… infatuation. Sometimes it’s the only thing that makes any damn sense. When I first met Bee we were both scared of each other. They thought I might turn them in for a chit. I thought they were… unnatural.” He shakes his head. “I was wrong. It didn’t take me long to realize my prejudice. They became my friend. My confidant.” His voice shakes. “My… love.” “They listened when the nightmares woke me up, when Ankhita and the crew wouldn’t care to know. That day when they finally told me — showed me — that they were dying, there was no question of loyalty for me. So leaving the Ambergris? Ankhita? Slicing out the shipmind in the chance it could save Bee?”  He smiles bitterly at you. “It was the most logical decision I’ve ever made.” (Chapter 44)

“I know it is hard, but… you must survive. You must live, and love again. Even when it hurts.” They flicker. “It makes us alive. It makes us real. It makes this cruel universe a little gentler for those who cross paths with us.”

And you help.  You help as much as you can.  Because even if it might end up fucking things up again, you can’t stop yourself.  It’s the only thing you know how to do. (Chapter 47)

(Thank you for the ask @grovyrosegirl!)

#author rambles #bg3 fanfiction #ask me something #churchstarion #church the tiefling #ao3 author #astarion pov #astarion x tav #oc x astarion

[nancydrewwouldnever]

You know what I’ve never understood? Why he feels that someone being self deprecating is a good trait to have in themselves, even himself. I would rather say someone who is humble. But the self deprecating thing always made me question the depth of his insecurities and self-hate. Where did they stem from? How deep are they? They seem pretty deep based on some of the things he’s said. I hope a part of him doesn’t think it makes him attractive, because while I understand people can have insecurities, and I have them too, to go as far as saying you hate yourself isn’t cute.

I mean, you can be as good looking as he is, and be humble about your looks, but not to the extreme point of being drastically self deprecating. I wonder if there’s a part of him that thinks liking yourself or even being confident and loving who you are is tied to being egoic, when I don’t think it is. I’m just starting to understand spirituality and the whole “ego” thing, and from what I get, it’s okay to love yourself. In fact, it’s highly encouraged in spirituality. When you love yourself, genuinely, it raises your vibrations and your energy isn’t clouded, it’s light, it’s peaceful, it’s positive, and that’s how you manifest good things in your life.

I think someone had it right when they said something about how, when he says certain things, it’s a projection. Here’s the thing: I think deep down, he does want a deep connection, but what a lot of people don’t understand is that you have to be open to it, and VERY open, to the point of vulnerability, and you have to let go, you have to give up some kind of control. And I think he struggles with that. I think he has this doom-gloom, warped idea of love and relationships. I think he’s internally afraid of stepping out of the comfort zone he would have to step out of in order to get the real connection he’s looking for, and the life he wants, and the career he wants. That’s why he keeps certain people around. It’s also probably why he keeps going for the same kind of woman, sometimes twice; it’s a comfort zone, and he’s in control of that comfort zone. He’s not challenged, so his growth is stunted.

At the moment, I’m also frustrated at the situation and the manipulation (again, it’s him wanting to have control of the narrative) but I do hope he finds the healing he needs, and the connection he’s looking.

Yeah, that "I hate myself" moment in the SMA was a bit of a full-stop moment. He's always been self-deprecating, and I can understand that, especially as a way of managing self-expectations. (I can imagine it probably gets a little much in Hollywood sometimes, where there's a lot of people blowing smoke up your ass, and you might want to develop a little bit of self mockery just to keep yourself level.) But, yes, Chris' has always seemed just a little bit too prevalent, it seemed. But to step up from giving yourself a good-natured ribbing to a complete "I hate myself" is escalation.

(Just to make sure: this moment was not in the video, was it? I only remember seeing it in print, and they added a *laughs* in there. If it's on video, I want to see his expression while saying it.)

Okay, in my answer to this I'm going to have to get a little more personal than usual, that's unavoidable. So, I have severe anxiety co-morbid with depression. While the depression is an inherited trait that runs through my family, the severe anxiety is definitely PTSD/trauma related from very, very early childhood. It's picked up steam over the years, as people tried to treat the depression without treating the anxiety or PTSD. (Because, wow, how many therapists don't actually ask the right questions.) The problem is, the anxiety was always more in the driver's seat, I think. Because of the "annihilator".

The "annihilator" is the worst of the internalized self-loathing thought cycles in my head. She's the one who isn't around all the time, but when making an appearance, basically destroys all forward momentum at once. She knows exactly the right single button to push, single word to utter to reduce me to an incomprehensible mess. As a result, I have very little self-confidence or positive self-image, because that anxiety monster has been on and off picking me apart for 35 years.

So, when I heard him say that, my first thought went to - what is his "annihilator" telling him?

Because I don't think he gets regular therapy. All he ever mentions is a few sessions he had that only dealt with his fear of success/failure about taking the Captain America role. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. (Otherwise Jenny wouldn't have made all those therapy tweets she did.) I think he's adopted a whole bunch of coping mechanisms over the years, and perhaps might even be medicated, but I don't think he's ever really come to that point where he's ready to do the work of dismantling.

No matter how disappointed I may get due to his choices or actions, I still always hope he can get to a point of happiness. Not just "content", but happy.

And don't worry about me, I have a really good therapist now, and we're making a little progress. When your therapist says, we're doing inner child work now, just know you're about to be in for a huge bumpy ride filled with a lot of ugly crying.

#ask

[druidgroves]

ok here it is my whisper/deacon brain rot for their web weaving is under the cut. i'm mentally unwell about them.

1. trust no one

this one is pretty obvious. it's deacon's first and favorite lesson. little does he know that after coming out of vault 111, it was greta's modus operandi as well.

2. vulnerability is the last thing i want you to see in me, but the first thing i look for in you.

this quote was more deacon-focused, but it does apply to both of them. upon "first" meeting (that was face to face), deacon is still looking for any signs of cracking in whatever façade greta has created for herself by this point. he wants to pick people apart, but makes sure that no one can do the same to him. for greta, she isn't too great at emotions after being thawed out (she became a lot more withdrawn in that department, despite pretending to be an open book). she'll make sure she can pinpoint your vulnerabilities before you're even aware of them, just so you don't notice her own.

3. i don't understand your specific kind of crazy but i do admire your total dedication to it

this is peak whisper/deacon while doing shit for the railroad. they work together extremely well, in part due to whisper's career as a spy before the bombs (of which deacon has no idea about but he has Suspicions). a big part of their relationship is trying to outdo the other, constant one-upmanship; who can tell the most outlandish lies, put on the most well-crafted personas, or pull off the wildest stunt while clearing the way for safehouses. they are both insane.

4. i want to take a bite out of you, figure out what you're thinking

while working together, they obviously get to know each other--or they get to know as much of each other as they are willing to show. it's both fun and frustrating for them with neither wanting to fully give.

5. our eyes had the most devilish affair; meeting in secrecy in a room full of people.

these two dance around their feelings like they're legally obligated to, but they'll just say that neither of them have done anything about it because of "anti-fraternization" rules put in place by their fearless leader.

6. the nonsense has escalated

this was there purely because their nonsense (feelings) escalates. that's it.

7. the great pretender

i always see this as a deacon song But it fits both of them. they are both extremely lonely people in similar and different ways and put on different masks to compensate.

8. not because i don't trust you, but because i can't bare for you to see me as i really am.

another one showing how much they share and how much they don't. at this point in their story, greta has come clean about a lot of stuff: her real name, her career as a spy, looking for a son she isn't even sure she wants to find, as well as her familial connections to the calverts (who i argue could be partially to blame for the way the war went tbh). she has always lived with a lot of self-loathing and that's part of why she is the way she is, putting on different personas to hide the fact that she hates who she is. for deacon, this is when he tells her about the up deathclaws, about barbara, and about joining the railroad. they finally get to see the other's vulnerabilities.

9. sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them.

in trying to understand each other, seeing each other's ugliest parts, they find that they might never understand each other completely. it doesn't quite drive a wedge between them as much as things are a little awkward between two people allergic to talking about their emotions.

10. how to disappear completely and never be found

so deacon talks about wanting to "bug out" and leave sometimes, but in this case, greta is the one who bounces after destroying the institute. she's got a lot to deal with internally and needs her space to process.

11. an exercise in love: i have left the door unlocked, just in case

deacon won't admit it, but he's always on the lookout for her after she disappears. he listens for her laugh, the sound of deliverer, anything, but she doesn't show for a while. but if he knows anything about his whisper, she'll come back again, and he'll be there waiting.

#rae.txt #ship: a relief and a horror to be known ( greta x deacon ) #if any of this sounds off it's bc i haven't traveled with deacon in game in a hot minute lmfao

[hoodiehydra]

Family comfort fics jskskdskjds

Idk maybe an Andro Bros fic (bc there aren't enough of those in the world ngl) where Agoti has to be the one comforting Aldryx

Aldryx blames himself for what happened to them and Agoti needs to reassure him otherwise

YES

Oh my gosh this was almost 1.2K words I am not even joking wth-

Warnings: none. No swearing at all, this is pure angsty comfort.

I put all my big sibling thoughts and feelings into this. This is sometimes how I feel towards my siblings, and I wish my sister would understand how much I care. But- you know, I don’t think she would ever know. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

—————

I’m back, and I’m here to stay.

It’s been a year.

A year.

Yeah.

And in that year, everything changed.

A year since what, though?

Agoti’s return.

Even after that one year, it still hadn’t gone back to normal. At least, to Aldryx. The poor guy was not sitting in his room, crying over the past events during the two years of Agoti’s no-longer-mysterious disappearance. Oh, how he wanted to kill the Dearests so badly… he really would, he, in fact, could. So, what’s stopping him?

Geography. And also a whole load of self-loathing and guilt. He hated feeling this way, but he couldn’t help it. Choking out hushed sobs and tears, he was huddled up in his covers, trying to find warmth and comfort in a piece of fabric. It was all so overwhelming, his thoughts just up in his mind’s personal space. It was suffocating.

He felt so useless when his little brother was gone, he couldn’t do anything, and he knew that. He knew all his contributions had no use in the investigations. At that time, all they could assume was that he was dead. Gone, and without a single trace. Those two years were the worst ones ever. Never seeing his brother again, and he couldn’t help at all, it should have been him. At least, then, he wouldn’t worry about his brother. He would have been safe. Why him?

Sighing softly at how pathetic he felt then, he wiped the last of his tears dry. Can’t have his brother or father worrying, after all.

Grimacing, he stayed in his room, hoping that he would finally be left alone from his thoughts for a while. He needed some space to breathe. But no, all he was thinking was: you let this happen… it should have been you. You are useless, maybe next time you should be the one to be captured. Maybe then no one would need to worry, huh?

Hatred consumed him as the horrid thoughts invaded his mind. He knew they weren’t true, everyone would still worry about him. Especially Agoti. It wouldn’t help anyone but himself to ease off the pain.

But that little part that always was the reason for his self doubt, never gave him an easy time. The words got louder and louder, and he believed them. He believed those toxic words plaguing his mind and it only hurt him more. The feeling was sickening, overwhelming. He didn’t feel like he could turn to anyone about it. He’s the big brother, the strong one, the pillar for his brother. This wasn’t his role. No… he couldn’t be weak. He couldn’t allow himself to feel that small vulnerability, even for a moment. No. He always acted strong, even if he was breaking inside. He couldn’t face the fact that yes, he was not perfect. He has feelings. Valid ones. But it felt so weird to open up, to show how soft or vulnerable you could be, especially to those you were supposed to be strong for.

He hated the feeling in general. It was sickening, awful, it made him feel so anxious and spiteful of his own feelings.

Damn you, emotions and feelings.

Still tangled up in the silk, the background noise was drowned out in his thoughts— funny, the background noise was always someone screaming, didn’t matter who. And yet, he couldn’t hear them. The one time he wished he could hear the noise, and he couldn’t. Talk about awful timing.

Aldryx quietly wept in the room, but he wasn’t the quietest crier. He did have a low volume, but maybe those with sharp hearing could pick up some sounds.

Agoti… his hearing was incredibly sharp. As in, I-can-hear-the-neighbours-arguing-next-door kinda sharp.

At first, Agoti ignored the little weeps for his brother’s privacy. He knew what Aldryx was going through, without asking. It was a special bond the brothers shared, they knew each other so well, even behind closed doors, they could sense what the others was going through.

The more Agoti left his brother alone, however, the longer Aldryx stayed in the room, locked up.

Agoti hated how his brother felt about himself, because it was not at all true. Not even in the slightest.

Finally, he decided to do something about it.

Quietly shuffling towards the door, he gently knocked thrice on the hollow, wooden door.

Aldryx stiffened at the sudden sound, but he already knew who it was and what it meant. Agoti knew.

There was no point in hiding it anymore, he could try to deny it, but what was the point? Agoti knows. If he knows, there is no doubt Solazar knew, but… he would definitely open up to his brother more. It wasn’t that he was mad at Sol or anything, it was just easier to open up to someone nearer his age. Besides, Sol was probably a millennia older than him.

With a soft ‘click’, Aldryx slid open the door for his little brother, but he made a point to cover his face, or his eyes, with the blanket. Agoti made his way in, while Aldryx laid back down on the bed, now soaked with his tears. It was very hot, he was sweating. But it also felt really cold, freezing actually. He didn’t exactly know how to feel about it.

He gave up hiding himself. Why hide when everyone knows the truth?

“I’m guessing this is about my kidnapping?” Agoti asked.

Hesitating, Aldryx nodded.

“And you think this is your fault?” Agoti continued.

Again, Aldryx nodded. Shoot, he didn’t think Agoti would be this specific.

“Look, big brother. I know you were scared when I was gone. I will never know how you felt, and that’s fine. You don’t have to explain, but I’m back. I’m back, and I am here to stay. I will never leave you. I won’t understand how you feel, because I have not gone through what you went through. But I’m here, you can always talk to me. Okay? Stop hiding. It’s been a year, let’s stay as close as we can. I know it’s difficult for you, because it is for me too. But none of this is your fault. Listen to me. None of it is your fault. Fuck the Dearests. It’s them. You did all you could, and I appreciate you for that. Thank you, big brother, for all you did. Thank you.” Agoti murmured.

Whatever Agoti had said had finally caused Aldryx’s thoughts to go silent. It was all quiet. Finally, he was at peace. Both sighed with relief that Aldryx had stopped panicking.

Aldryx looked down, thinking about what Agoti had said, when the younger brother leapt towards Aldryx and hugged him, holding him in a warm and comforting embrace. Aldryx quickly wrapped his arms around his brother, returning the affection, while Agoti’s tail coiled around Aldryx’s now no longer shaking figure.

He was calm.

Agoti was back.

And he was not leaving them again.

And from the open doorway, Solazar softly smiled at the two brothers, happy that Aldryx was now soothed.

They were finally reunited, and nothing would tear them apart again.

—————

GOODBYE THIS WAS SO MUCH WTH 😭😭😭

WELL I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT

#hydra talks #fnf agoti #fnf aldryx #brotherly comfort #andromeda brotherly fluff #glassbreaker’s treasure trove

[perverse-idyll]

PI!!!!!! Congrats on your milestone!!!!! So awesome and so well deserved!!

As for emojis how about: 🥺 & 🛒

Thank you so much, Danni! 😘It's a testament to how long I've been in fandom! Never assume the impossible.

Fanfic Writers Emoji Ask

(Buckle up. This goes on for paragraphs - and that's before we even reach the second question!)

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

Any time Snape cracks in front of Harry or ends up vulnerable against his will (and it's always against his will). I think he's so used to associating his deepest feelings with self-loathing, so accustomed to repressing those feelings just to be able to function and then feeling bitter and angry about all the self-inflicted poison in his veins that his go-to reaction to something as powerful as love is to fight it. If Lily suddenly re-appeared in his life, he might grovel and weep before her on his knees (which is more about guilt and grief than love). But with Harry - oh, it's obviously Harry's fault. Snape would blame Harry for his own weakness and insanity. Because, IMO, Snape feels things intensely and incoherently (when did he ever have a chance to learn what's healthy or unhealthy or how he's meant to deal with it?), so when Harry hits a nerve - when Snape can't control himself around Harry and gets desperate to prevent him from knowing - when Snape himself doesn't want to know but his usual habit of repression isn't working, why is it not fucking working - he'd be absolutely devastated by the internal storm of being possessed by love and denying he wants it, dying to consume, dying to hate Harry or go back to hating him or to apply his years-long practice of hatred as a mask for love. Because that self-destructive struggle comes naturally to him. Love has always been stained by hatred. He's lived with this insoluble, painful clash of antithetical feelings since childhood. But it's at these moments that he slips up and Harry sees the truth.

I also love any instance where Harry is stricken by how much he loves Snape, how painfully he feels for this arsehole, like a knife in the heart, even when Snape is behaving horribly or hurting himself. Harry is so often portrayed as emotionally passive in relationships, or easygoing, or as a boy who just wants a family, that it gives me great pleasure to see him shaken by the strength of his feelings for this inappropriate object of desire. It's implicit in most Snarry fics that Harry's the one worthy of being loved, so I like to see the tables turned and Harry just as lovestruck and suffering from desire.

And just any time they yearn for each other, any time there's an attempt at renunciation that leaves an inconsolable, keening void, any principled distance that comes between them - this lights up my whole nervous system. (Mia_ugly is a marvelous example of writer whose fics are suffused with yearning.)

Eh, I kind of free-associated here, so it got long again. Oops. Moving on.

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

Well, I've joked before that in most of my fics Snape ends up on his knees. How's that for an image? 😉

I'll try to keep myself from writing a whole treatise this time, but I noticed recently that one of the recurring motifs in my stories is death. Not character death, exactly, although sometimes characters die. More as a recurring, dare I say obsessive, concept. This hasn't been intentional, but here's the evidence:

When the Rose and the Fire Are One - Harry's haunted - inhabited, really - by what he calls "ghosts" - the deaths of people Voldemort killed. The guilt over them. The transfer of sins from the Dark Lord to Harry's soul. And Snape's situation is relentlessly pushing him toward believing the only kind of freedom available to him is in death. At one point, he begs Harry to kill him. And of course, in this story, Ron dies.

The White Road - I mean, the afterlife? Lily, from beyond death, watches Snape die. Eventually the question of whether or not Snape deserves to live is in her hands. The mercy of the dead directly affects the fate of the living.

The Lost World - *cough* The ending. Enough said.

In Infinite Remorse of Soul - We end up in the afterlife here, too, where Snape's rebellion against his own sacrifice is a consequence of being taken for granted and lied to - again - and feeling that his own death doesn't even merit a "thank you." Which leads to the death-haunted sequel And Mine the Gall.

No Room for the Weak circles around Snape's death or not-death and his mum's verdict on her son's life.

The Blood of Stars - Snape is sent back to life for a purpose, but allows the world to continue believing he's dead. In the later parts of the fic (unposted as yet), we're - you guessed it! - back in the afterlife, and there is much fussing about how death can resolve things that happened in life.

Impossible Without It - Snape is supposed to be dead. Voldemort is definitely dead. Harry can't remember killing him. If Snape were alive, Harry just might be angry enough to do to him what he presumably did to the Dark Lord. But what is he supposed to with a Snape who doesn't remember killing anyone? Who doesn't even know that magic exists? (This fic is a little less metaphysical about death and more concerned with memory, guilt, and sacrifice.)

Year of the Thestral is mostly about the aftermath of Snape's death and what the revelations mean to Minerva.

The Afterlight has a thematic thread running through it concerning what it takes to live after having died, having returned from death and remembering being dead, a situation both Snape and Harry struggle with. Also, it's an open question whether one or both of them are plagued by a death wish, since they constantly put their lives at risk. Plus there's a serial killer in this one, oh goody.

The Threefold Death - um, I rest my case. Although, fear not, Harry and Snape make it all the way to the end.

I have yet another untitled WIP in which Snape dies his canon death and Harry brings him back.

Phew. Okay, forget my vague protestations, this still went on too long. But holy moly. If I ever manage to type the final period to my current WIPs, I need to seriously consider changing up my sources of inspiration! 😳

#emoji ask game #answers

[smolthealmighty]

Spinaraki Week Round 3 Day 3: Grief

I'm Not Expecting to Grow Flowers in a Desert

As if being ostracized by the rest of the town wasn’t enough, Spinner has learned that he’s now been cut off by the entire Iguchi family. And while it’s nice that UA has graciously provided the league with therapy as part of their rehabilitation program, there are some cases where what’s really needed after one of those sessions is a hug and some compassion from someone who understands both where you’re coming from and what you’ve been through. Tomura provides both.

~~~~~

It had been about half an hour after the latest of their mandated therapy sessions, and from the time he came back and sat down on the couch up to the present moment, Spinner had been looking blankly at the wall as if it was sucking the life-force out of him. All Tomura could really do was stick around in the room and wait until Spinner was ready to talk about it. He hated watching his boyfriend stew in self-loathing, but he’d be there in a heartbeat to jump in when he was given the all-clear.

“They went no contact.” Spinner finally mumbled, his gravelly voice betraying that this news was enough to drive him to tears when he originally heard it. “My family they… they don’t wanna hear from me anymore.” 

That was Tomura’s cue to sit down on the same couch, close but not crowding, letting Spinner piece his thoughts together and encouraging him to put them into words.

“I’m not sure why I’m acting like this, I’ve been rejected plenty of times before. Hell, my entire life in that back-water town was nothing but jeers and stones and the constant rejection of what I- who I was.”

At this point Spinner had begun to grab at his legs and press them close to his chest, curling up into a smaller but denser lump of despair. His voice was shaky as he continued, “But at the very least I had a place to hide back then, relatives to commiserate with- a whole bunch of us all under the same roof. Maybe that’s why it was easy for them to let me go. I mean with how big our family was, who’s gonna care about one lost cause?”

“You know, one time I saved enough money to make it to the beach, one of those smaller polluted ones that don’t get much attention. And sometimes…” Spinner’s breath hitched as he curled up harder. Even so, Tomura could see the tear stains already starting to pool on Spinner’s knees where his face was buried as he uttered a phrase that broke his heart, “…sometimes, I wonder why I didn’t just walk into the ocean and let my lungs fill up like I had planned.”

Within the space of a second, Tomura had jumped across the couch and slammed himself into Spinner’s side.

“Screw them,” he hissed, holding his depressed ball of a boyfriend as close as he could with all the strength he had, “If they think they can just cut you loose like you’re dead weight than screw them.”

“I know, but it still hurts though! It’s like one minute I was part of a miserable yet genuine family and the next minute I’m basically garbage to them, except even garbage is useful if you- I dunno, compost it or something!”

Tomura sighed while gently wiping the tears from Spinner’s face, Spinner in turn leaning into the touch as he let it all out of his system -and wow the trust his boyfriend had in him blew Tomura’s mind every damn time. Soon enough it was time for the hard part. Spinner had let his walls down in front of him, had trusted Tomura to ground him as he weathered through the waves of grief. Now it was Tomura’s turn to be vulnerable too.

“This is gonna sound mind-numbingly stupid, but you know the phrase ‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure’ or whatever?”

Spinner sniffled and nodded in response.

“Well,” Tomura continued, squeezing Spinner a little tighter as he did so, “I’d like you to keep that phrase in the back of your head, because even when you feel like you’re absolute garbage, I’ll always treasure you. Okay?”

This was fine. Tomura could live with a few minutes of semi-flushed embarrassment if it meant summoning the wobbly smile Spinner had on his face. It was still tinged with sadness, but it now had a hopefulness that wasn’t there before shining brightly in his eyes.

#spinarakiweek2022 #spinarakiweekround3 #spinaraki #shigaraki tomura #spinner #shuichi iguchi #smol’s stuff #smol's stories

[not-your-bro]

Asking for until dawn for the questions is obvious but I am genuinely curious

hey, nothing wrong with the obvious choice!

❤Favorite character: imagine if i got real ooc and didn't say josh LOL. nah, it's gotta be him. not just my favorite UD character but probably my Character of All Time. i love a self-loathing, self-destructive, become-the-villain type, and he ticks all those boxes. extra points for masking his vulnerabilities with charisma and humor. MWAH. what a chef's-kiss of a character.

👿Least favorite character: ashley. i love & respect that people fuck with her for her dark streak, and i think that makes her more interesting than she otherwise would be, but i don't really see why she's like that. many of the UD characters act in sort of...hate-able ways, but it's stated - or i can infer - what internal/external issues lead them to behave that way. with ash i'm like idk girl, kinda just seems like you're mean sometimes! more power to her, but not for me.

💐Comfort character: i know this is gonna come as a big surprise but........it's josh. guy's lived in my head rent-free for 7 years and i don't think he's ever moving out.

😍Character you have the biggest crush on: i'm past the age of having crushes on these characters, but in 2015-16, my ass was not immune to josh. his outdoors look, with the vest and the beanie - it's a good one.

🤝Character you relate to the most: chris. maybe i'm projecting lmao but his class clown vibe screams 'compensating for extreme social anxiety' to me, and that's something i relate to, especially in group situations.

🔥Character you think is overrated: i don't feel too strongly about this now, but if you asked me years ago, i would've said mike. some of the mike love at the height of the fandom went hand-in-hand with emily hate, and i didn't like that he seemed to skirt criticism just because he was funny.

🧨Character you love to hate: mike again. do i love to hate him? do i hate to love him? my relationship with him is complex and unknowable, even to myself. what i do know is that i derive great pleasure from shoving his fingers in that bear trap.

🙈Character you always forget exists: matt. nice guy, but his lack of screen time dooms him to being forgettable, and he honestly doesn't seem like he knows anyone that well. personally, i'd prefer if matt was Some Hot Guy emily found so she wouldn't have to show up alone, and that last-minute addition to the group is partly why josh sends them on a wild bag chase.

🐰Favorite non-human character: i don't have much choice besides handigo here, but thankfully handigo fucking rules. i love that hannah's association with the butterfly is not just an obvious nod to the butterfly effect but a symbol/foreshadowing of her later transformation. i love how brutally she destroys everyone, that her inclusion means UD is still a revenge story, but not the revenge story you thought it would be at the beginning. i don't think any piece of hannah is still in there - i think she's just a monster running on the fumes of residual emotions she doesn't even comprehend - but i don't think that makes her any less rad.

❤️‍🩹Character who deserved better: josh. while i can appreciate that the game is sympathetic towards him, it's simply not a good look to make him the only person who can't survive (in human form). i get that not being able to control his fate is The Point, but it's not worth feeding into the tired, bleak message that horror has a history of sending to those who are mentally ill.

(ask game here)

#thank you anon!! and sorry it's so long LMAO #asks #anonymous #ask game #until dawn