#have been all evening and it’s only getting worse and idk what to do to make it stop. but it physically is hurting me

[da-proti-toku-grem]

venting in the tags again bc i'm literally shaking right now wtf

#god i hate it so much #my exams start on monday and i'm not even halfway through everything i need to know for my first exam #i've had all the holidays to study but i just can't concentrate on anything #i've been in my room all day every day (except the days i spent w family like christmas and new year ofc) #and seemingly i'm studying all day #my family thinks i spend all day studying #but the only thing i'm capable of doing most of the time is stare at the things i have to do w/o having any idea of wtf i'm doing #my brain won't shut tf up and telling me stuff that i know are not true #but i just can't #i feel like i've been having an anxiety attack non stop since this monday #not very bad most of the time but it doesn't really stop yk? #and i feel like i have a weight on my chest that i can't really take off #i've been going to therapy and we've come to the conclusion that the cause of my anxiety overall are my studies #(not counting my social anxiety that's been getting worse every day to the point that i don't even want to go out with my best friends) #which doesn't really surprise me but it's just Too Much #i just want to drop everything but since idk what i'd do if i quit this career i chose to do my exams #bc maybe they are useful if i do change my path #but i just can't find it in me to focus and study because my mind is racing all the time #i just want to lie down and cry but i don't even have the strength to do that #i just feel so weak and miserable ever since i started uni and every day it gets worse and worse #my mind just screams at me saying #'stop complaining all the time. no one cares. everyone goes through stuff like that. you're no different. stfu and study like everyone does' #and i know i could do it if i tried but i just can't #why tf is it so difficult to be normal and do what i'm supposed to do for once ffs.... #venting #maca speaks

[why-the-heck-not]

hate hate hate the feeling of turning in a part of an assignment and being hella embarrased abt how it is :3 like, feeling someone’s just gonna email me like ”hey?? what the fuck ??? what are u doing here this is garbage” like yeah dude i dont know what to tell you, things did not go well this week

#doing one that’s like a bigger thing but has weekly deadlines #and this week hasn’t been good for that so it’s like very fucking pathetic of how little I got done #and it’s all basically shit anyways like i know it doesn’t work and won’t work with the way I’m going about it #also I’m only submitting the previous version bc i don’t even fuckin know what’s going on with this current one #like the code’s all bad and all over the place and I have no clue where i’m trying to go with it #so it’s like i basically didn’t get shit done this week #only made myself more confused #i need to take a step back and like really fuckin think what I’m going to do with this bc it’ll just get worse if I just keep trying to go #with this shitty thing i have on my hands rn #and also im like over an hour late already bc gotta write a weekly report and idk what the fuck to say like #’’oops sorry dude it’s shit rn i have no clue what’s going on but also dont have anything i could ask help with bc im too confused so it’s #just uhh this thing now; a mess <3’’ #the way i’ve been handling this course like ?? uh oh will i ever have the audacity to step a foot to my campus ever again lol #yes im now writing this to procrastinate writing that weekly report thing #ughhh yes im hella positive rn all is shit #(also there was parliamentary election today and it didn’t end well so that might be why everything feels 5x more shitty rn) #april 2023 #2023

[devilsskettle]

i hate that this website has location based ads now like it's one thing to promote the local grocery store chain to me but i am seeing ads for my workplace now :/

#stop it...... #i don't want to go back but this is the last sick day i can reasonably take #i probably should've gone back today but i told them when i was still feeling worse that i wasn't coming in....... #ohhhh i dread going in tomorrow so much. i don't even dislike this job i just hate being somewhere everyday #each day feeling its meaninglessness...... my meaninglessness in the space.......... the repetition and redundancy #selling people who don't need to be there things that they don't need #standing all day long just fucking bored #hoping that enough has happened since i've been gone that people can fill me in #ugggh because it's soooo boring but stressful to have to generate conversation with the same people every day #when nothing new ever happens #and i get sick of everybody even the people that i like and i don't really think anybody likes me that much either #i guess i felt this when i worked there part time but because i only had to be there part time it wasn't this constant gnawing feeling #and they didn't have me in the shop all the time....... this schedule is fucking killing me #i walk there i stand all day and i walk home #that's one of the reasons i haven't come back in yet - i was so dizzy and nauseous that the idea of standing all day was like. #i obviously can't fucking do that even if i would otherwise feel well enough to come in #if i had a sitting job then it wouldn't matter if i was a little dizzy #but getting back and forth to work and then standing for 8 hours. even when i'm feeling well it's kind of a lot #idk i guess i'm pretty unhappy with this job and where i am in life etc but i can't quit rn because what else would i do #there's literally job of this type that is going to pay as well and have good benefits #and i'm not qualified yet for the type of work i hope to do in the future #so i just gotta wait it out but it feels like. endless. #sigh anyway i'm just lazy lol #all this is to say. stop putting ads for my workplace on my dash lol i don't need to see all that

[bunnihearted]

🐁☁️🌫️

#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant #nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it #it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer #ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know #it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are #but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom #bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park #i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that #i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none #my sisters havent talked for me in over a year #and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w #nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao #i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots #i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol????? #im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay #and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like #when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!! #im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing? #other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing????? #and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things #i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))

[pepprs]

my anxiety is unbelievably fucking bad rn. i am so scared

#purrs #delete later #ask to tag #(​putting slashes thru things so that they don’t show up in search btw) #i have no right to be scared bc im not there. but im so scared for the people of ga/za. and i am so scared that… idk. it’s completely my #fault bc i go looking for these kinds of things on purpose to hurt myself. but i doomscrolled last night about ww/3 and the possibility of #nu/clear war being fueled by is/rael’s ‘war’ on pale/stine and not only am i sick with fear about the people living directly in that region #but i am so fucking scared of the possibility of nu/clear war. or like. any war breaking out in the us. which i know is a ridiculous self #centered thought to have but my anxiety is out of fucking control rn and it has been getting worse throughout the week. i just don’t know #how to wrap my head around the violence of this week. and so few je/wish ppl i know irl are antizi/onist and ppl just expect me to be #supportive of is/rael jsut bc im je/wish and it makes me fucking FURIOUS not only because i resent these horrors being committed to innocent #people in the name of my own people but it is so extremely dangerous to conflate j/udaism with zi/onism. the consequences diasporic je/ws #are goi ng to face are of course nowhere near as central or all-consumingly violent as the people in gaz/a and i feel personally safe enough #as someone who (and i know this is kind of a terrible thing to say) passes very easily as a go/y (esp w a mask on) and has a g/oy last name #but i am so fucking terrified of the antise/mitism getting worse here and have been exposing myself to evidence of it even though it is #extremely destructive to my mental health. but also i deeply resent the rhetoric around ‘reach out to your j/ewish friends they’re suffering #rn’ because…. we are not a monolith nor are we the direct victims in this situation and it just feels so uncomfortable and centering to make #it an issue of silence etc etc when… there are innocent ppl in g/aza who are experiencing terror no human being should ever have to endure #and most of them are children and they are the people who will ‘pay’ most directly and immediately and severely for what happened a week ago #i just feel so fucking on edge from this entire situation and unable to do anything to help when the destruction is imminent and this #nightmare of a country is at the core of so much suffering in this world and it will take centuries to undo it all and in the meantime so #many innocent people are going to die and maybe the entire world will be destroyed by nu/clear war which we are basically begging for at #this point. it’s so hard to function in my personal life when i am keenly aware of what could be happening at any moment #i don’t know how to end this post. im just fucking scared and there’s nothing i can do

[duckduckngoose]

Hhhhhhh brainrot hitting so hard. I low-key wanna revive all my Taz grad wipes again from the dead

#the duck quacks #unfortunately i didnt have a lot of writing from my taz era bc i was very insecure about my writing at the time but GODS i have pilesofideas #...post canon (or just mid canon #thundermen roadtrip au. where would they get a car? idk. can one of them even legally drive? probably not #hmm also had a sickfic with fitzroy going on where his magic just made things so much worse #also haf a 5 + 1 fic or Fitzroy bonding with snippers bht i only figured out 1 out of 5 and the + 1 oops #i also havr been wanting to write something with the whole old changeling Fitzroy theory going around. idk what but i rll wanna for funsies #i also had written a little bit about the tribunal going wrong i think? irk where i was going with that but it would fun to expand on that #also like always wanted to write a classic Fitzroy tapping mote and more into chaos and shit goes erongTM fic #lots of these are fitzroy centered whoops fjjfjf. hes very blorbo #also just relistening to just the curse and tribunal eps makes me want yo write even more #i wanna give the thundermen a small break after Out of Order to judt talk to eachother. i wanna write an argo POV of him worryinh abott #Fitzroy during that episode. I WANNA WTITE SM WUGHHHHHDHSBFNDBSSBZNNNFJJF #also wanna write fitzroy complaining about having to share rooms at the start of grad only to realize that when hr gets his own room its #suddenly harder to sleep anf he kinda misses the others #BC THATS ONE OF MY FAVORITR TROPES FRFR. almost all of these are just tropes i like and i wanna do with the Thundermen/do my own twist on #soooo msny ideas i can barely sit still and decide what to write kdkfkfkf

[pallases]

ourgejjg

#i am feeling so ill rn for no reason and i need to shower and wash my hair so bad but i can tell if i do it rn it’ll make the #lightheadedness ten times worse and there is a nonzero chance i will just pass out in there 😭 #best guess is bc my period started today and yeah the first two days suck but they’re not usually This bad #personal #also this is the last thing i need rn it’s tech week and all rehearsals lately have been going/are going to go till 10 pm and i have no tim #to do all my assignments and my probability prof assigned a lab today that’s due TMRW AT MIDNIGHT? <- we usually get a class period btwn #it being assigned and the deadline and he’s not even giving us until the next class period to do it now like why is it due at midnight #instead of noon the next day… also i have not one but two exams immediately following this weekend and i really want to see my family for #easter but that sounds like such a bad idea im so unproductive at home and i’ll be busier than usual when i go home on top of that bc easte #and one of the exams is circuits for which exams are worth 90% of our grade and im averaging a 74% at the moment which is NOT #promising and. AAAAA #also have an exam this thursday which imnot nearly as worried abt but still. and i have to meet w someone abt a scholarship tmrw during my #free period so i Still can’t work on that stupid lab due tmrw night like. this sucks okay ‼️ #the engineering chronicles #the music chronicles #i know it was only a matter of time before musical started stressing me out but 😭 please give me back the joys of saturday’s rehearsal… #oh also there’s ANOTHER probability lab due day after easter and same day as circuits exam and the prof is the same so he knows full well #what he’s doing like. why are you not giving us the usual period in btwn for these anymore fuck you <3 #OH ALSO soldering qualification i need to do for like 3 hours wednesday the night before my thursday exam. nearly forgot abt that one i hat #it hereeee #soldering i could reschedule tho which i might do. but ive already pushed it back once so im like :/ do i really wanna do that #idk. still feel sick as fuck and still need to do physics prelab tonight 😭 it shouldn’t take long but i really don’t want to get up and #stare at my computer even more ifeel so awful rn #ANYWAY. sorry that was oversharing even for me i am just 😐 you know.

[vamptastic]

really truly catastrophically depressed in a way i have not been in living memory. nevertheless i keep trucking.

#ahhh its not that bad im not suicidal at least. had worse when it comes to my mental state. #however. the Symptoms. #ouuuugh the amount of classes i have missed. at least i go to community college rn. all is not lost i think. #genuinely been struggling to get out of bed feed myself clean my place shower etc the past few weeks #which like normally depressive episodes would hinder my ability to do.. maybe half of that. or all of it for a few days only #three weeks of nonfunctioning is... not my usual! but i suppose i normally am obligated to go do things and be around people #and living alone now i can just... not. #idk what im even going to tell my professors. the truth i guess. mentally ill and living alone for the first time. cant be the only one.

[da-proti-toku-grem]

.

#i'm seriously starting to considering quiting uni and i've not even been here for 2 month yet #seriously why am i like this #i'm literally on the verge of tears rn and trying not to have an anxiety attack #and just because my chemistry teacher told us that we have to do some shit for a presentation in december #just thinking about all the stuff i have to do for december makes me want to cry #and 90% of it is the week after my concert #and i already feel like shit because i'm going to a f*cking concert instead of studying #also i don't like almost anything we're doing up to this point #and i keep telling myself that maybe it's because it's the first year and we are doing more 'basic' things #so maybe i'll like more stuff in the next years #but it seems more unlikely everyday #and i can't stop thinking that maybe i chose the wrong career #i know that's not the end of the world but i can't help but think that i've been wasting my time #and that i had such a bad time last year just to be able to get into this career only to not like it now that i'm in #also idk what i would do if i actually quit because this was honestly the only thing i thought i might like #it's just so frustrating and idk what to do #so i'm here writing this rant in the middle of class trying not to cry in front of 60 people #and feeling even worse because i'm not paying enough attention #istg i think that the only thing keeping me sane rn is this fandom #i'm very grateful for all of you who put up with me every day :( #venting #maca speaks

[nomaishuttle]

its also like . ok sry im going on bc im tired and ive upset myself lol but its like. to have somebody who knows i grew up in poverty call me greedy and selfish bc he pressured me into moving up here when i didnt have the money so i Had to rely on him financially. and then i couldnt pay him back while i was literally unemployed. to have him call me greedy and selfish and entitled and lazy was. insanely upsetting

#like he knew that a lot of the money i earned went directly to paying my families bills and literally feeding them and he still. said that #to me. and then when i got upset he spun it as me being irrational and playing the victim and always guilttripping him like. idk. idk. #i try rly hard not to think abt that bc it just makes me feel horrific but like. i was already so insanely paranoid about spending money #any Non essential purchase made me spiral and then that just made it. so much worse . i told him from the start i didnt have much money and #he said it was fine and i told him from the start id pay him back as quickly as i could and he said it was fine and then he just #he completely ghosted me he never talked to me he slept downstairs and he spent more time with one of our roommates than he did me #and now i. know why he did that lol #but whatever. but he iced me out and the only time he ever talked to me was to tell me i was being greedy for not paying him back #or if i literally fuckjng. begged him to do skmething with me #and then hed spend like 1 hour completely checked out but technically sitting in the same room as me and i just. idk. that relationship #genuinely like. fucked me up. and now i reakize it wasnt Just since i moved here and a lot of the like. stripping me of.my identity and #pressuring me into doing. certain things when i wasnt comfortable with them and guilttripping me if i did try to stand up for myself. now i #realize that had been going on nearly since the start but it fucking. rly hurts. basically #and to top it all of he knew i struggle with very severe depression and i have since i was a kid and he knew i specifically struggle a lot #with hygiene and he knew how gross that makes me feel. and he still called me disgusting for it. and in every argument he had he would #hold the fact i owed him money over my head and i judt. i dont know what i was supposed to do. and i realize now there was jothing bc he #was already. yk. and probably had been for a while but it just. rly fucking sucks basically. #like even now a few months out i get genuinely nauseous when i buy something that isnt Absolutely essential. #and i try to force myself to buy like. a small nice thing for myself every once in a while i buy 1 coffee and 1 breakfast food every week #on saturday to try n like. make sure i know its ok 4 me to do that and it doesnt make me selfish but like. it still makes me feel sick

[ozlices]

really fucking sucks that it does not matter how openly we cry about how fucked up we are after everything this year has put us through, we are just. ignored. like. we're very open about having abandonment issues & a burden complex, but nobody gives a fuck abt ensuring that isn't. you know. constantly fueled in the aftermath of all the shit this year put us through.

we haven't suffered in silence. quite the opposite. but we're literally just. ignored. & left to rot. no matter how transparent we are abt how badly we're doing. & it sucks. like it's getting to a point where we're genuinely starting to get apathetic towards our friends & we don't fucking care to fight it off anymore.

if my friends were posting the kinda shit we do during our meltdowns, id be rushing to call them as soon as i could. maybe im just different. maybe im just a dumbass for caring so goddamn much! cause jfc it clearly isn't mutual no matter what!

how am i supposed to fight off my persecutor telling me nobody fucking loves me bc i don't deserve it when i can beg for somebody to lend their hand to me, & all i get is silence.

we haven't been checked up on. anyone we used to talk to daily has just decided we're too depressing or whatever to be around, i guess. like. idk what anyone wants from us anymore. i really fucking don't. all we want is to have somebody give a shit abt us & fucking MEAN it. actually be there for us. actually take care of us the same way we take care of everybody else.

but nah nah instead we're just. having our complexes fueled. our persecutor's ammo refilled, meanwhile we're left with nothing. absolutely fucking nothing.

the best relationship of our lives couldn't even last longer than a month & no matter what, we can't fight being made to feel like we just weren't worth keeping around.

we've never escaped being "too depressed to handle" as our token in a friend group, but like. idk. maybe if we weren't made to constantly feel so fucking alone & like nobody genuinely gives a shit abt us, we'd be able to At Least cope a bit better.

idek what to do or say anymore. like our persecutor gets on our ass for saying "nobody cares" like "oh well you're just being manipulative & fishing." bitch i GENUINELY fucking feel like nobody fucking cares about me & not a single goddamn person has tried to significantly fight that notion to any genuine degree.

it'll be fought with filler words in the moment, but again. nobody checks on us. nobody just randomly tells us they love us and care about us. nobody does the little things we've always done for our loved ones we know are going through rough times. even if we directly tell people it helps. so, what the fuck else am i sposed to say or think.

im tired of feeling like this. im tired of being lonely, and unloved, and uncared for, and like it's all fucking pointless. im tired.

i just feel like we're just forgotten about until we're needed. but when we are the ones who need someone else to help us? well, we can just fucking rot, then. i guess. we're just an annoying burden who's too depressing to be around. not worth any genuine effort. and we cannot keep fighting that notion when nobody gives a shit to stand with us against it.

#mine #vent// #i just had to get this out. like it's to a point where it's even significantly hurting our little. #they often are the one making our statuses the way they are on our priv discord #& like. idk. v much fucking sucks ppl KNOW we have a little in our system who tends to front the most #the statuses on the acc are not some uwu im depwessed moment. it's a little being hurt & crying for help #& just. being ignored. like... idk. idk what to do or say or think anymore. wtf are any of us sposed to do w this. #what does anyone want from us. we've been open abt how brutal this year has been. how badly off we are #& our health has only gotten WORSE & worse. we have no idea what's even going on w our body anymore #but like! the aspect of maybe smth is seriously wrong & we could be hospitalized or need surgery is just like. #cool i literally do not fucking care bc nobody else would. so what's the point! #im tired of being in pain and suffering alone. it hurts & it's cruel & it all feels so empty. #i just dont fucking know what to fucking do anymore. none of us do. #we just usually sit in a circle in the front & hold each other to avoid having a breakdown/meltdown everyday #bc we feel so suffocated by the loneliness & misery & having to fight it on our own. #fucking... bullshit. i wish i could stop caring i hate having a heart it isn't worth it i wanna tear it out

[pepprs]

giant void of despair cracking open in my heart rn. physically.

#purrs #i put on my snuggie bc it feels like wearing a hug and i need a hug. but now im overheating bc of course you can’t wear a anuggie in #80 degree weather. so now im even sadder lol #delete later #like my heart PHYSICALLY hurts. and the thing is literally nothing brought it on. nothing has happened. im just suddenly piercingly sad and #have been all evening and it’s only getting worse and idk what to do to make it stop. but it physically is hurting me

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#usually i like to think i am extremely well adjusted to what my health entails. usually lmao. #but specifically cancer sometimes feels like a goddamn anchor lmao. #stomach cancers are not even close to the only ones that could potentially go on for a lifetime w treatment #depending on situation. like this is a far more normal situation than ppl really realize i think. #i hadnt realized it before i was adjusting goal posts from 'cured' to '5yr mark' at least lol. #this is not bad. this could be signficiantly worse. this is not a bad situation all things considered. #but like sometimes i wonder what its like to be like. healthy lmao. #&when things dip its like. if this is a perma-up trajectory as far as difficulty goes it feels kind of. unfair that mine started #where it did&its just like. never gonna plateau lmao. #i question my fortitude sometimes. idk its been a long day&i havent burned thru the Bad mania yet lmao. #ill get high&itll be easier to see that w/o the pain lmao. #med change ups are never fun this one just happened at an unfortunate time in general probably. #i miss my dog. i miss all my dogs. i would have lost my mind w/o roxy lmao. #at least this time i can give him proper rites; i couldnt for yoshi or johnny. so ive been doing a full mourning period. #it hasn't put me in like. the most optimistic light as of late lol. #its weird. im being such a fucking baby about all of this lmao. #but like i also wasnt expecting unconditional love to be almost exclusive to my dogs #or for the ups&downs to still be so dramatic after all these years of figuring out treatments lmao.

[fakeoutbf]

.

#food tw #body image tw #hi i feel like this whole week has been a lot and it’s culminated today in me having an anxiety attack over my body #so i thought i’d just let some feelings out please feel free to just skip over this #logically i know that my body and what it looks like isn’t representative of my value as a person #i completely get that and i know that the thought is insane #but growing up with the specific model of being skinny and pretty so ppl find you attractive / appealing is so hard to unlearn some days #this is the heaviest weight i’ve been in my life probably and it isn’t even that much but it just means my body looks different #which makes it fit and look differently in clothes i used to take comfort in #and sure i’ve gotten bigger sizes and it’s no big deal but my brain chose today to hyperfixate on the fact that my love handles are bigger #and create this dip in my hips that didn’t use to be there and now i’m panicking over eating so much bread and carbs and not working out and #winter season coming up and all the carb rich food endorsed during that time and my mom craving more sweets and offering me as well #and IT SHOULDN’T FUCKING MATTER but for YEARS one of the only things i had ‘control’ over was my weight #and now that everything else has gone to shit i can’t get myself to have control over this thing and it’s making me feel even worse #and then i think of eating better but it just seems so hard when i have no motivation to actually make myself healthier meals and i just #i’m stuck in a standstill of wanting to get better but my brain shutting down and being exhausted after work and idk what to do #i know i need to be kinder on myself but also i want to change but idk where or how to start #i know i have to do it alone but fuck everything is so much scarier alone

[daz4i]

when ww said "this is not my life, I'm no survivor, i only happened to survive"

#he gets it he really does. #hate when ppl call me resilient or are proud of me for surviving shit. girl i did not do anything to be here now. in fact quite the contrary #i am permanently in survival mode and I'm trying so hard to turn it off. but mostly in 1 direction and not the one most ppl hope #sigh. I'm tired man 😐 i just started new mood stabilizers and I'm anxious as fuck #(well. not new. i was on them before when i was a teen. can't remember why i stopped tho) #the whole trying new pills is depressing bc well. there's p much nothing left for me to try #i had a call with her this week. i mentioned it i think. but most of it was trying to figure out if there's meds i never tried out there #the only other one we considered to maybe replace my current antidepressant is very new to the market aka she doesn't know what it does yet #so. instead of replacing. adding stabilizers and hope they don't make things even worse (but lbr they probably will) #I'm very close to giving up yet again. idk what there even is to give up on anymore. my life is nothing with a side of void #but giving up is the only thing i know how to do. I'm too anxious to do anything else. i don't know how to do anything else #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh really wanna cut rn but i already have some wounds on my hands and arms + I'm in enough pain as is so what's the use #vent #i should sleep. idk if i can. I've been trying all day and failed. I'm so tired #i wish i didn't wake up man 😐 i wish i died. tonight #suicide // #not really but implied ig #self harm mention // #ask to tag

[mudstoneabyss]

so much of my blogging whenever I have classes is complaining about them but erm. in my defense they're stressful and overwhelming

#So ermm to vent a little bit #i dont know how to do anything on my own so the expectance for me to be able to for these classes is a lot #Like for this thing i need to write an essay outline based on an introduction paragraph only. which i think? means i have to find sources #for the details on my own. which i dont know how to do #i do know /technically/ but i dont know whats good information and trustworthy sources and also there's so much stuff to sort through #i was never taught how to do it and now when i try its just. confusing and frustrating and exhausting and makes me too upset to even keep #trying to work #and im not even sure what all of these points in the outline means because where it probably wouldve been explained was the lecture which #was canceled and the powerpoint for this week doesnt cover it #and there's the textbook but textbooks are nothing to me i cant process and retain information from them #which hey sucks for my online classes that are wholey based around teaching yourself from the textbooks #(but i cant do in person classes due to transportation reasons + mental health reasons) #but augh #im such a guy who cant do anything by myself and getting the amount of help i need isnt an option idek how to ask for any amount of help #like yeah email my professors but tell them what? i dont know how to do the class i signed up for? #that i dont know how to do basics 101 school shit? like im confused about some of the work and by some i pretty much mean all #and eaugh its not a frustration i can push through because trying to push through it just makes it worse it tips past #''oh idk how to do this. fuck'' #into ''oh god i dont know anything about how to function im literally worthless'' #which. i think i said earlier? makes it so i cant. work on anything anymore. #but also its not an option for me not to work bc i cant fail bc ill be expelled or whatever and charged money and what then #joyousposting #negative // #anyway sorry for getting suicide ideation over school back to regularly scheduled blorboposting or whatever