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xurkitips · 6 years

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When Life Gives You Hellbrain...

Y’know what sucks? Depression. Y’know what sucks even more? Depression: Hard Mode. Also known as: coping with the fact that you’re tired and feel like garbage all the time without any medication or other help to combat the constant exhaustion and wallowing in sadness.

I’ve been battling this miserable hellbrain of mine since I was around thirteen, when I first noticed being inexplicably upset/self-hating, tired, and unable to enjoy things that used to make me happy.

Now I never got diagnosed back then, and didn’t until about a month ago, but it was absolutely a very real, ongoing issue that I regularly had to deal with. I’m twenty-four at the time of writing; so that’s about eleven years right there of brain gross. That, coupled with the joys of anxiety, made for a wonderful stew of hellbrain.

Much of that time was a massive struggle. However, going into adulthood I started to find, try, and utilize some healthy coping mechanisms. They may or may not work for you, but these are tried and true for me:

Physical exercise

This sounds like the worst idea ever. Why go do stuff when you feel like crap? But hear me out, it can help.

Sometimes in my low moods and depressive spells, I would be stewing in awful hellthoughts about myself, my future, stress from chaotic situations, school, etc. And as I would lay there wallowing in filth I’d be compelled to just sit in bed all day and not move.

In the warmer months from spring to fall, I started going for walks. For those of you reading this who are anxious about walking alone or feel unsafe, there’s no shame in inviting a friend to walk or taking the dog with you (if you have one). Fresh air and sunshine can do wonders, especially the latter which provides vitamin D and can help ward off depression.

If you can’t or don’t want to go outside, simple things like chores (dishes, laundry, cooking and cleaning) can also get you up and moving within your home. Small exercises depending on your physical limits such as lifting weights, stretches, and other things can help too. If you like shopping, need groceries, or have a nearby mall, they’re good places to walk around.

I found that, even if I ended up still thinking bad thoughts, the focus on my surroundings or the task at hand helped me ward them off for the moment. It also got some energy out, and provided some physical benefits.

Access to fresh fruits and vegetables.

Doesn’t seem like it would help much, but having a supply of fresh things not only provides nutrients, but it seems to help mentally. There’s satisfaction to biting into a crisp apple, smelling the tartness of an orange, the crunchy head of broccoli, the sweet taste of corn....

"Milo, why are you getting up on your soap box to talk to me about this.”

I just think they’re neat.

Not sure if there’s any strict science to it beyond nutrient intake, but boy. That freshness? Endlessly pleasant. I think there’s something to that old saying of, “You are what you eat.” Chowing down on largely fatty snacks, candies, and canned or heavily processed food is great, don’t get me wrong, but only ever eating those things? You do feel it, physically, which feeds into your hellbrain.

Supplementing with more healthy choices and a more balanced diet does help. In succession with the exercise blurb up there it sounds like I’m doing that neurotypical thing of, “Fix it with diet and exercise!” but. They’re genuinely good things to consider, so I’m getting them out of the way now.

(Consuming too much sugar makes acne worse, by the way. Learned that one the hard way.)

Changing your sheets weekly and clothes daily

Nothing smells and feels like depression more than laying down in disgustingly sweaty pajamas in a set of filthy bed sheets you changed three months ago.

I ended up in this cycle a lot, wearing the same shirt for a week if I could and never changing the sheets. Which sounds really gross, but a lot of us do it unconsciously, I think. The effort’s gone, we’re busy with other things, you feel too tired to do it.

But, my god, even doing those two simple things can make you feel a lot better. Or at least cleaner and more satisfied when you go to bed.

Sleeping on clean sheets and pillowcases also keeps acne at bay, so I’ve discovered. I found that I would also be sleeping a lot better, too. It can also help in being a small scheduled thing for you which brings me to my next point:

Scheduling dailies

Can be simple things. Eat breakfast, brush your teeth, take a shower, walk the dog, put laundry away. The important thing, though, is always doing those things at the same time every day.

In times when I got severely depressed, my schedule would completely fall to pieces. I slept anywhere from 12 to 5 AM, I ate randomly during the day or often not at all, left clean clothes unfolded on The Laundry Chair, and really wasn’t able to do much. I started making a set morning schedule for myself that I told myself I had to follow; get up, shower, put on fresh clothes, feed the cat.

It’s less combative of depression symptoms themselves, and more helpful with returning to a sense of normality. Also, having something to do that you maintain will effectively get you moving.

Self-affirmations and Use of language

After you complete something, compliment yourself. Sounds cheesy or undeserving, right? Wrong.

Even if it’s as simple as getting yourself out of bed in time, eating, or going to school when you don’t want to, it’s still an accomplishment. Maybe not one worth bragging about to your friends and neighbors, but when it was something you didn’t want to do or was difficult for you? It’s absolutely worth a compliment to yourself.

How you talk about things matters as well. Maybe you hate your job, hate school, hate chores, which leaves you inclined to complain and prepare yourself for another bad experience, which then makes you feel upset. Maybe you hate yourself, too, on top of that. It could be as bad as you think, but maybe it isn’t.

Instead of saying, “I hate this and it’s going to be horrible,” consider, “I don’t like this, but I can get through it.” Or instead of, “I’m a terrible person,” consider, “I’ve done something bad, but I can apologize and make up for it,” or, “I don’t like who I am now, but I can change that.”

Saying things with more positive mindsets can work wonders, and I used both that and compliments toward myself in college especially. I finished a project? Great job! I sat down, talked to, and apologized to a friend with sincerity? I’ve definitely grown and taken a step to be better. I did a presentation that I was terrified of? It was scary, but I could do it and I did it!

Saving heartfelt things from friends

You’re upset. Your friends are offline or busy. That person you’ve been talking to hasn’t responded to your texts or IM messages.

You’re there stewing in worry that they’ve found other friends, don’t want to deal with you, or even secretly hate you. You don’t want to ask them for another confirmation they still like you, or break out rambling. That would make you needy and therefore undesirable, right?

Oh no, you’re a bad person and a worse friend for even thinking about any of this. Here come the tears.

Pretty simple trick that I think helps a lot: when someone gives you a compliment, sends or gifts something that made them think of you, a message about how they do care--save it. Screenshot it, write it, put the item (digital or otherwise) where you can see it regularly. They’re little tokens of appreciation from them to you, reminders of your friendship with them.

Take a deep breath. Look at the screenshot or thing you have and remind yourself, “This person is likely occupied. I have no reason to think it’s out of dislike of me.”

Putting suicidal thoughts in context

This may not work for everyone, but this was the one and only way that I managed to handle this issue on my own.

I would get low a lot. Something would happen that upset me, causing an immediate spiraling into a massive depressive episode. I wasn’t trying hard enough, things were bad, I was bad, nobody like me, y’know how that is. On many, many occasions I would think that I needed to die, or deserved to. No, I never did act on those urges, but they were there. Constantly, at times.

Someone once told me about how suicidal thoughts or intentions were a direct response to the stressful situation you’re in. It’s an easy button, of sorts, to escape your problems.

It’s good to remind yourself that being in a stressed state of mine that at some point your situation is going to change. High school and college don’t last forever. You can get a better job. You can move out and away from your family. One failed school project can be made up for.

And that’s just it. I started to catch myself when my thoughts dipped into that dark place and stepped back. School was stressful, but did I really want to end it all? There were people who treated me poorly on a regular basis, but was it worth it to go through with that just to avoid them? In most cases, the answer to myself was no.

Changes can, and will, be made. There will be opportunities for you in the future. Remembering that there is still hope for you even in your darkest hour can help you pull yourself back out of it.

#milo's hellbrain experience #depression #self help #tw for mentions/discussion of suicidal thoughts #nothing graphic tho #what's up youtube

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junctionstreet · 4 years

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I have a confession to make. To start I would like to start by saying this past week has been quite a journey. The first two maybe three weeks of this time off I was living very shamefully. I was eating all the food. Candy, chips, junk food everyday, not taking care of my body, not exercising. I was staying up late and waking up at sometimes 1 or 2 pm. I was not praying. I was not cleaning my room. I was not working. I was not studying. I was masturbating to pornography once, sometimes twice a day, could’ve been three on an extreme rare day (that may not be true but I don’t want to leave any room to withhold the truth here), Nothing. I was not even talking to you, I just looked at the phone and I couldn’t even engage. My body, my heart, and my mind completely shut down on me and I had no energy for anything. And I remember, one morning, I woke up kind of late of coarse, I rolled out of bed. Got on my knees, closed my eyes and started to pray. Just out of the blue. Hadn’t prayed in all those weeks being off that I can remember, I do kinda remember speaking to God the night but if I did it was brief. But going back to it, I got out of bed feeling like complete crap and got on my knees looked up at the ceiling and prayed. I told God what was up, how I was feeling, and I don’t know if you’ll listen because of my behavior lately, but I need you I want to be closer to you. Save me, rescue me, it feels like I’m spiritually dehydrayed and I was defintely physcially dehydrated as well becasue I was not drinking any water. So How did I get here right? How did I get to such a consuming mind and eating, fornicating, not drinking water, not texting you, letting myself sleep and wake up whenever, not work, not exercising, and not praying. Well, when you work in an environment like mine and I had just spent the past week or two stressing about my evaluation because I felt I was on thin ice, our attendance audit, keeping up with my tasks and responsibilities at work, keeping up with both good and bad energy from the kids and parents. It all just led me to a point of consumption and take all I can, eat all I can, snack all I can, lay down as often as I can, sleep for as long as I can, rest as much as I can like take advantage of this time while I have it, just because my mind body and soul were in that place of need and just weak, really really weak.

Well, after that I got up and started reading the book you bought me Mental Toughness (which I truly love you for because you engage in my interests and support my interests and you feed my interests). I started reading it outside in the sun. I started reading it in the bathtub, and I learned that laughter, fun, and play should be taken very seriously. I don’t remember the exact science behind it, but the concept was that play releases hormones or neurochemicals or just overall body chemicals that keep the body health and promote growth and optimization and it’s like recovery for your body and reinforecment for your body. You have to review for their examples and explanations but that’s the point that you must work hard, but also have fun and that’s a big part of sustaining you working so hard and also just maximizing that process of learning and nueral plasticity and the building of the brain. This was coupled with a few walks with my mom here and there. I was actually applying it. I was like okay. If fun is a part of success then I am going to do it. So i’m laughing joking, being really positive, and everything was great and then I started to feel better. Like I really started to feel good.

Then, you know I also started to have memories appear in my mind while I’d sleep at night and just have these memories (good, bad, and neither good or bad, some were just plain nuanced memories) of my experiences at UC Davis. Just started pondering on some decisions like, why did I do that or do this? Then I went of Facebook and I saw that some people that I was either housemates with or acquaintances with or classmates with met their goal. Like Sarosh became a dentist (housemate). Nick is in medical school (housemate). Titus became a civil engineer (acquaintance from class). Ryan became an engineer (classmate). Brenda became a nurse (ex-girlfriend) And some other guy, (philipino guy is in Stanford medical school, the crim de la crim). Then there were other friends and acquaintances classmates, whoever, that maybe did not accomplish their goal. Like Ajee she wanted to be an engineer and she’s doing make up now. Like. Brandon or Segun, who both had goals of being engineers at some point. And you know I am not judging them. I honestly didn’t even examine them to much. I looked the people who achieved their goal more than the people who did not, so I was not being spiteful at all, like oh look this guy or girl didn’t do this, not at all. In fact, I would smile in nostalgia for how we’ve all grown so much and moved on with our lives since the last time we had an interaction. The people who did accomplish their goal like Stanford and Titus - I was like ecstatic for them I was truly happy for them because I felt like I knew them in a sense. I knew the hustle, I knew the grind, I knew the focus, I knew the discipline it must have taken. I was just thrilled for them and just had good feeling you know. Like Titus posted a grad photo of him, and it said “By the Grace of God” I graduated in engineering it was some of the worst and best times of my life. But through it all I learned from my mentors to trust the process, etc. etc. etc. And I was just like, wow, that is like, a victory statement. It is a victory statement. Then Ryan (old old classmate) started to post these videos and with so much humbleness, unique personality that is truly authentic (reason for that per Ryan is because he understands that in society we are all expected to behave or act in a certain way, but he acknowledges that he’s different and he’s okay with that, because it’s somehow connected to his soul), and with an outstanding genuine positivity. He said the hardest thing he ever did was gradaute with a degree in engineering. He said he got like a 2.8 and he felt really bad about that, but like people were telling him it was good, and how like he got C’s in his classes, but he graduated. And like if he wasn’t sleeping, he was studying, and if he was studying he was sleeping, and if none of those he was asleep dreaming about studying. Like, this man struggle how I struggled but was victorious.

Then it was kinda like woah, like I just saw all this, like, let me go take a shower it’s 6 am in the morning, I stood up the whole night. Then when I got out of the shower, I think I made breakfast or went to my bed. But either way, at some point I ended up on my bed, pulled out my tablet, and started this ebook called “Making Smart Decisions” and in the chapter I read it said like, for some reason, people make the same decions over and over again. And there’s like a term for it. It’s like some kind of bias. Then I learned that there’s this one term and concept where, someone will take small little decions or mistakes or actions that will usually go unnoticed but after awhile it’s just a disaster waiting to happen in business. And then I made the connection and realization like, woah, that’s true. I did make little mistakes that went unnoticed. Like like decions that truly, served as death blows when they all add up, I mean look, it’s obvious, I failed to meet my dream of being an MD. Then I just started to write them down, on the tablet. Then I was like, you know yes, I failed to meet my dream and goal. But now I know why, or at least have a better understanding of at least two things forsure as to why I failed, 1. I kept walking away, like when I did not understand a concept, had to read a science book, had to answer problems, workout a solution to those problems - then be asked to keep that up with the remaining classes, and then be mindful of the midterm that Thursday, then like I never really studied or never really rested because I was overwhelmed by the fact that I had the midterm Friday, yet couldn’t even understand last weeks material, so I somehow ended up awake the night before having felt and believing and actually not knowing any of the material the night before. But I knew I could’nt fail or else my dreams of MD would be over. So I pulled the all nighter, someone how managed to pass, or not. Then, I would feel relieved that I passed with at least a C, and be like almost relieved that I passed, kinda disappointed but hey, going from stressing that you’re going to fail becasue you’re learning all the material the night before and are likely to get a big fat F on your transcript - to staying up all night, sleep deprived, motivating yourself, to actually like getting a C and passing grade. You’re like almost releived, sure a little disappointed, like I would mostly leave tests disappointed. But when the grade comes in you’re like Thank you God I got a C. I remember I got a C+ in Calculus 21B -truly by the grace of God, because that summer I was taking Calculus 21B and I remember going to office hours, talking to the instructor during office hours, he understood that I was trying, there’s a few memories I have of that time, I remember sitting in his office and he showed passion in calculus when the concept of infinity came up when discussion how him in his friends debate on infinity or have conversations on infinity. Also, when I was in office hours and we had the big white board and he was trying really hard to explain it to me, and just like trying to break it down, and seeing where my reasoning was missing, and he had a point where he just put his finger on his chin, like “man, what can I do, how can I teach this kid, with a look of responsibility that he had for me” then I also at some point he was like you can’t memorize, you actually have to understand how it works, and we both ended on a feeling of we just tried really hard to learn this and for me to teach this, and just walked away being cool as always. I dropped by office hours, one more time after that expressing my concern for passing his class. He gave me advice, like don’t stress it’s going to be what it’s going to be at this point, just try your best, and he seemed a little forward a little annoyed, but I felt that was because he probably failed me or like there was litteraly no point of stressing and so he expressed his forwardness for something that had no point. And you know what, I am pretty sure I must have prayed that night. Because, the day of the test he was about an hour late to the final exam. He came rushing in with his bike or helmet or one of the two, and like a big box full of exams, and stuff, and he’s like he he had some printer trouble etc. etc. etc. I will compensate for giving everyone 30 more points, or something like that, he made it clear he was going to make up for it point wise, and he even gave us extra time i think. Then, I remember going to his office after the test, just to communicate and earn more points, something you know, like I was doing everything I could to ensure the guy remembered me and liked me before he graded my test lol and also to genuinely say thank you as well like he was cool, he did try to help me and he was cool, like I felt like I got to know him a little bit that summer, and it was the end of my calculus summer, so I wanted to just conclude and say bye. Then I walked to the room through the math building and I hear him like shouting (not crazy because he was a very very chill guy, but just enough to where it sounded like he was talking to a loved one, telling them what happened, and getting it off his chest), and it even sounded like he was moving things around in a rush. I heard him say something like, “the printer crashed and I was late! I said I was late like 50 minutes to 1 hour late” Then I heard this, realized I probably don’t want to see this guy right now if I don’t want to get on his bad side. So I walked away, took a deep breathe and realized calculus was over. Time for a new journey...

I am studying hard that new semester, feeling good everything is positive, girls living in the house, I am one of only two straight guys in the house. I am good. Then you know, I get my study grind on, and I’m prepping before the quarter has even begun, studying stuff that probably wan’t even going to help me prepare for the class anyways. I would study at a starbucks all that. Then I remember, Jocelyn and Stephanie coming in the starbucks, and watching me study. Then like, towards the more beginning, I actually did follow up with the psychiatrist in Vacacille, then I was like, you know, I’m here I drove all this way, like let me kinda fight for this, let me kinda actually do this, like it’s scary, like this doesn’t feel comfortable, but then I was like you know this is all part of taking control over my study habits and results, and this is what’s going to truly to get me the results i’m looking for. Then I recall meeting with a therapist, and the therapist was like are you sure you want this? I can provide you therapy, do you have good habits, etc. etc. like she did do her part, I remember she looked at me with like, you really want the medication huh, and like you know we can try this and that instead, and like I don’t remember how much she tried to present a better case for therapy instead of medication, But I do remember her offering therapy, and asking me at least twice, if I was sure. Then, also have to consider that I also knew what kind of questions these people were going to try to ask me to deny the adderral, like I was prepared to address these questions and points with exaggerated claims or even false claims, in other words, I lied. I used slickness and manipulation and lies to get what I thought and felt I needed at the time to be successful, when all I needed was myself. All I needed was work hard, all I needed was small SMART goals, little ones that can be accomplished each day as part of accomplishing an even bigger goal, the only work hard involved is not reading/review notes, recalling what I knew, acknoweldge what I didn’t know, fill in the gaps and make note of them, and work on practice questions, the urge to walk away from those previous are the work hard that’s all. I didn’t work hard by accomplishing my little goals for each day no matter what, that’s all I needed, and a positive belief in myself that I could do it, and a positive belief in God. I felt like I had to take it because of the environment I was in, the extra boost was necessary, probably pressure from my classes starting to creep in, and also just self-doubt, and doubt in God or like not even thinking about God.

But also there’s this other idea too like not taking time to rest over the summer led to an increasing pressure to rely on something else to sustain, when in fact all you needed was a break, was some fun, was some engagement, was some home, some family, you know something. Just that time to rest. Had I done that I think I would’ve made better decisions, or more confidence in myself, or something. Just something to point out, thankfully we made a principle out of it.

SIDE NOTE: During this summer of calculus 21B, I had went to Kaiser and said look, I am doing everything I can do in these classes, I am still not getting it, etc. etc. Just a side thing because I had the time it was the only class I was taking - I thought I was addressing the problem, my goal was to keep it low key. Take care of this. Get A’s and study better. Go to Medical School. I knew a guy named Michael who took it and he got into Cornell Medical School, and I remember he spoke on it, then I told him I was thinking of it and he said he didn’t recommend it because of the crashes, which I disregard like crashes no big deal whatever, if I get A’s I’m doing it how bad could it be. Anyways, I need this to be fixed because I am studying and still not getting it, and I have dreams of being a doctor. So I need to fix this now, and be prescribed some medication to help me focus. The doctor referred me to a psychiatrist. (I don’t remember what he told me, if he recommended or what, or if I asked for it, which was probably the case because I didn’t go the doctor’s office for nothing, you know.) so i got the psychiatrist referral during that summer.

also, I gave up on myself when I dropped Chemistry 2A, that summer will be written about as well.

I don’t hold anything against white people. Because my calclus 21B professor gave me a C+ because he saw the work I was putting in, because I’m pretty sure I din’t know anything on that test, maybe I did, becasue you know like I said, I tried. But I remember when I was at office hours, he litterally heard me telling my grandma to wait becasue I was in office hours trying to earn some extra points, I was like waitining in line to speak with him, he walked over to me, broke it down, as fast as he could on a paper, that I saved actually and I wish I still had or could find (it was blue and like of a long trianguar graph this <> but side ways. It might be in the basement, gosh. Secondly, my biopsychology professor TA if it weren’t for him I don’t know if I would’ve graduated - he litterally siad “we are going to get you into grad school” he truly supported me because I don’t think I was going to pass that class without his help, he would ask me questions that he pulled from his laptop, that truly served to help me on the test. I am telling you, those questions were pretty specfic trick A B C or D questions and I knew about half of them because of that. Thirdly, Ms. Martin gave me a holy bible that I still use today - and there’s something about books I received while at Jefferson that just have some kind of special meaning to me. I don’t know but she was tied to it, and the bible she gave me has truly truly led me well. Fourthly, Mr. Stolz is white, c’mon man. Fifth, Matt and Jaiyme is white, I fricking love those guys! So nothing against white people. There’s some good and there’s some bad in every race, the media can choose what they want to focus on and present to the public.

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