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early20sfailingplenty · 7 months

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💕 I have a request!

Could I please have some heavy angst headcanons, behaviour-wise, for an emotionally devastated, completely withdrawn and deeply depressed Vincent Sinclair who sincerely believes that he's been rejected by someone he's fallen hopelessly in love with?

Heyyyy ~ Kelly!!!💖 This is a fun little one to write; you sent it in about a year ago but I've only just found the energy/inspiration so I hope it's still something you're wanting to read about! I was curled up in bed eating my weight in chocolate cake and watching House of Wax scenes as I wrote this, so I hope you enjoy! If this goes well, it'll serve as my comeback into the fandom.

Reader details: as always, "you", Y/N, gender neutral reader, no coded language.

TW; Vincent haaaaaates himself, depictions of child abuse (canon compliant), Vincent makes decisions for the both of you without discussing them with you beforehand, miscommunication trope my beloved, Vincent's behaviour and thought patterns are unhealthy, canon compliant depictions of violence, morally grey reader who knows about and passively participates in canon compliant events, angst, Vincent is emotionally constipated AND he genuinely believes you don't love him like he loves you, dehumanisation of nameless and faceless people who come into Ambrose (canon compliant).

This is an angst fest and does not have a happy ending.

Word count: 1, 487.

Of all the people who had passed through Ambrose (and never made it out), no one had gotten under Vincent's skin quite like you had.

The people who came into Ambrose were either canvases for Vincent or a fun day for Bo. Even rarer were the ones destined for Lester, if only because he didn't partake in the family business as often as the twins did.

The ones destined for Lester always ended up in literal pieces in the roadkill pit, with many an animal thrown atop the human chunks for good measure. Very few entered Ambrose, but even fewer got to leave.

Vincent was never anything more than delighted, thrilled when he hunted, killed and then prepared his artform... and no one had ever gotten under Vincent's skin.

Not until you, and no one but you.

Of all the people who came into Ambrose, none of them had ever been perfect before Vincent had started his work on them. He immortalised the beautiful and romanticised the ugly.

No one but you, and he found himself wanting to keep you perserved while you were still alive.

It totally threw him for a loop and if Bo had been able to listen in on Vincent's thoughts, as he so often claimed he could, then it would have thrown Bo for a loop too.

Your very existence took Vincent by surprise and just like how Vincent always deals with the unknown, he totally shut himself down from you. He put in a word for you with Bo to tell him in no uncertain terms that you were not to be harmed in any way, but that was the extent of his involvement with you.

Vincent's act of shutting himself down from you was one-sided but it caused enough pain for two people.

As far as you knew, Vincent wasn't treating you any differently. He was very rarely around you but he was barely around anyone except Bo. So you thought little of it.

Lester did think something about it, but a sharp look from Bo would silence the youngest Sinclair, and so Vincent was blissfully, agonisingly, left to his own torturous devices.

It wasn't that Vincent had fallen in love with you at first sight - such a concept seemed terribly unrealistic, especially for him - but he had known from the moment he had laid his eye on you that there was going to be something between you.

And just his parents had done to him before he had been old enough to take his first shit, Vincent wrote himself off.

His attraction to you turned to intrigue, which turned to yearning and then desire and then red hot want which would have rendered him speechless if he had been able to speak.

Vincent had initially made himself put in a good word for you with Bo, to help you stay in Ambrose with your life intact. But then as time progressed, he found himself putting your favourite snacks down on Lester's grocery list, convincing Bo to let you go with Lester, making sure you had the thickest blanket he could find because Ambrose could become cold at night... on and on the gestures went, but you seemed not to reciprocate them.

In truth, it was because Vincent was unreadable to you. As days turned to weeks which stretched to months, you formed cautious bonds with Bo and Lester, but Vincent remained unreachable to you. He was kind to you, but he was also totally withdrawn from you. You couldn't read him, you couldn't tell what was going on behind that mask, he was just... a wall.

You tried to express a rather twisted sense of gratitude for basic necessities but whenever you thanked him, Vincent would nod in such a way that it felt like your thanks was just an annoyance to him. His kind actions combined with the coldness of how he treated you after the fact, confused you, and you found yourself keeping away from him as best as you could, your heart aching. How could you properly thank him if he didn't let you? It was like he was only being kind to you to keep you quiet, to keep you where you were. Vincent was giving you emotional whiplash and you didn't know what to do about it.

There was more to Vincent than he was showing you and you knew it, but he was silent, he loomed over everyone in any room he was in, and he was truly intimidating.

It served to keep you away, which was what Vincent wanted, but it also caused him pain, because he longed to be close to you. Before Vincent knew it, he had fallen hopelessly in love with you. Once upon a time, he had been the Golden Child, the favourite of the three Sinclair children. He had been expected to die soon after being separated from Bo, but he had lived, and out of guilt had Trudy and Victor practically smothered Vincent in love, much to his developmental detriment.

They hadn't loved him for him, they had 'loved' him to alleviate their own guilt, and it had fucked Vincent up as badly as their abuse and neglect had fucked up Bo and Lester.

And so it was that Vincent was outwardly cold to you, or, at the very least, seeing to be totally unaffected by your presence in Ambrosde, and yet when you weren't there, it seemed that everything he did was for you, to make your life easier in a world you should never have known existed.

A world in which the dead remained so, encased in their own tombs, and and the living were haunted by the ghosts of themselves and all they never got the chance to be.

Vincent had closed himself off to you, rejecting the idea of you ever loving him before he ever gave you the chance to even consider such a thing, and as such, you inadvertently closed yourself off to him, too.

Your every attempt to thank him was rebuked, your every want to appreciate him left ignored, your every attempt to even minutely bond with him the way that you were slowly bonding with Bo and Lester was ignored...

Vincent never gave you a chance, he condemned the possibility of you loving him before such an experience could bloom within your mind, and in doing so, he practically shot himself in the foot. He was condemning you just like his parents had condemned him before he had even taken his first breath after being separated from the back of Bo's head.

He fell into a depression worse than anything his brothers had ever seen, to the point that even his artwork, his momma's legacy, was suffering for it.

To an untrained eye, all was fine with his figurines. They came out perfectly, not a hair out of place.

But to Bo and to Lester, they could see flaws Vincent usually poured himself into trying to fix. They could see hairs stitched back into the waxed scalp half a centimetre out from where it should have been, they could see raised patches through the clothing restitched onto the victim once the wax had cooled, they saw Vincent spiralling so badly that he ended up committing novice mistakes his mother had beat out of him decades ago.

And it was because of you.

Or, it was because of Vincent's assumptions about you, made due to his self-loathing which he had never questioned. He could romanticise the ugliest of gestures, the most grotesque of crimes, but he couldn't extend that same 'courtesy' to himself and it always saddened Lester and angered Bo.

Vincent didn't blame you for anything. He blamed himself. He withdrew from his brothers, he neglected his art, he shut Jonesy out of his workshop instead of letting her sleep on the mattress he kept down there for times when Morpheus called his name so sweetly that Vincent couldn't resist long enough to get back up to the house before Morpheus' sand got in his eyes...

And it stayed that way.

Vincent remained hopelessly in love with you, he kept himself away from you, believing with everything he was that you would never, could never, love him, and so to spare himself the heartbreak, he broke it himself more thoroughly than you ever could have done (not that you would, but Vincent had kept himself away from you so well that you would never think to yourself that there was more compatability between the two of you than either of you knew).

You pined, you ached, to know and to love Vincent, but he had made that decision for you, he had taken the choice away from you, and now the both of you were profoundly suffering and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

In time, maybe one of them would do Vincent a solid kindness and break the ice between the two of you. But why would they, when this was so much more entertaining?

#slasher x reader #house of wax #bo sinclair #vincent sinclair #lester sinclair #house of wax x reader #vincent sinclair x reader #house of wax 2005

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lewis-winters · 8 months

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would love to hear more about the skinny/speirs confrontation 👀 (I'm sure other would too so feel free to answer publicly)

Ok I did not actually anticipate ppl being interested HAHAHAH but since ya'll asked nicely (@ep6bastogne and @hellofanidea mWAH to you too), here it is under the cut.

Ok so like. Understandably, people are more focused on Web and Lieb when it comes to the mountain top scene and that's perfectly fine. They're the ones I first thought about too. But then the more I watched that scene, the more I nyoomed in on two details: 1) It is implied that Speirs personally gave the order for Liebgott to go up there and deal with the officer, and 2) Skinny is the one who ends up pulling the trigger.

Which brings me to like. This fic I started planning in my head but couldn't quite write down because I am. Lazy. Anyway, it follows several plot points:

1) This is piggyback riding off my meta that Ron had ulterior motives to sending Liebgott up the mountain, which I have outlined in this post. TL;DR Ron used Lieb's anger (and to some extent, Web's too-- in my head, he heard about the incident with the baker in ep9, and he wanted to exploit that, not anticipating that Web's own self-preservation (of both his own person and morals) would get in the way) to do his dirty work, knowing that he wouldn't be questioned because of his position and because of said anger blindsiding all logic Lieb might have.

2) Skinny somehow knows this. He's more intuitive that people give him credit for. If Ron handpicked Lieb and Web because he knew, at least to some extent, that their anger would push them to do what he wants, then what the hell was Skinny doing there?

3) That question will haunt Skinny for awhile. Because why did Ron know, somehow, that Skinny would pull the trigger when either Lieb or Web could not? What anger and violence did Ron see in Skinny that made him think: "ah, yes, him; that's my killer of killers"? And most importantly, why did Skinny prove him right?

This is very much informed by how irl Skinny's PTSD was very much centered on the people he killed as a soldier (as opposed to people he lost). He's constantly cited in his writings and his letters that he felt unforgivable. So it isn't a massive leap for me to go yeah!! that boy killed an unarmed man (albeit a nazi, but I don't think even that could help him justify this) and then was later present when Web says "war's over, anyone would run" which no doubt would add to his already guilty conscience.

Add all of that together, and you have a recipe for a very traumatized lost boy wondering if maybe he's carrying a monster inside of him, and if maybe Ron could see it.

4) the answer, in the end, is that Ron couldn't see it. This was the dialogue I wrote first, and it has had me by the balls ever since:

"So why me? What did you see in me that was so twisted and cruel that you decided I should be up there, huh? Tell me!"

"... Nothing. I just needed a third man."

5) anyway. Ronald does, finally, admit to having used Lieb and Web to get what he wants. But Skinny doesn't care, because all he hears is that he's collateral damage. And that's not quite as comforting as Ron thinks it is.

soooooo. yeah.

**another plot point I have listed but couldn't really put anywhere in this weird ass list: there's also some cognitive dissonance sprinkled in there-- Skinny could justify Lieb and Web's reactions. He'd say Lieb has the right to do it. He'd also say Web's attempt at perserving himself as wise. it's important to note that Skinny went into this with the mindset that he was already unforgivable from the beginning. this just exacerbated it, but also gave him somebody who could probably answer his questions (i.e. am I really unforgivable? am I rreally a monster? am I a murderer? etc etc).

#ask #skinny sisk #ronald speirs #band of brothers #fic idea #thanks guys for letting me ramble #mwah mwah i have saturday classes in a few hours and there's a smoked salmon in the fridge that's calling my name #bob meta

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seffien · 1 year

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You have cast the seeds of darkness in my mind, and am now trying to maximize the suffering in your Evil 4 AU. Have some food for thought.

The captain (Jun) is found barely alive by Marie (after nearly freezing to death *wink wink*)

Eight (Miko) and Callie have already left Alterna. Leaving Marie and Craig left to tend to a mute and dying Jun.

Eventually, she falls asleep in Marie's arms.

She'll never wake up.

Craig and Marie bury Jun right next to Four (Masu) and leave Alterna. They both agree to never tell Callie. Marie sees her come and go from their apartment, but they refuse to look at each other. She can sometimes hear her sobbing through the wall.

After packing what she owned from their shared apartment, (the unknowing last tenant) Miko eventually decides to return to Octo Valley. Wanting to return to the domes to help those in need. (to keep herself busy from the pain.) Before leaving she'll visit Masu's grave one last time.

Here, of course, she'll find Jun.

There is no poem, no second headstone. Just a cap and an extra mound.

Miko is overwhelmed with emotions. Particularly, rage. She trembles against the rushing thoughts filling her head, gripping her temples. First Masu, now Jun.

'She's killed someone again' she thinks.

Something inevitably gives.

She reaches out and pulls the charger out from the grave.

She's already made up her mind, all she has to do is find her.

you made me write all this, so don’t blame me if you get sad

---

The captain was strong. That's what she was supposed to be. She got here just by being strong, so she thought she was. Her mind, body, and soul were bound tightly. The world knocked her around since she was young, but she still perservered.

When Naoki died, that all came undone, and so did the team she was tasked to lead. Eight and Callie ended up leaving, Marie's mental health plummeted, and the latest recruit felt as if they were at the center of it all.

From then on, Alterna was a silent place. It wasn't uncommon for her to look around, catch a glimpse of Naoki's grave, and be reminded of everything. The depression she saw from her once-lively platoon, the way their usual behaviors stopped, the quiet atmosphere, and the way the picture-perfect platoon shattered.

And instead of doing anything, she essentially stood by and watched it happen.

Marie and Craig weren't here to convince her otherwise. Her mind was free to conjure up all the horrible words it wanted.

She didn't deserve to be the captain. All she did was sit around and watch the world go by. If she hadn't done that, then she wouldn't have ended up all alone.

Negative thoughts swarmed her mind as cold wind blew through Alterna. She stood and removed her tattered patchwork cloak. For once, she purposefully looked at the grave. Her shoes were left behind as she walked towards it. A grey sweater was tossed on the ground, and the captain finally settled down by Marie's charger.

When the numbness started, she closed her eyes. Happy memories of the NSS, full of smiling and laughter, filled her mind. Naoki was still here, and she'd see her soon.

——

Marie hurried to Captain, hauling the now unconscious squid onto her back. She began climbing the stairs of the large shelter just behind the camp.

"Open the door," she instructed her grandfather with a strained voice. "We have to get her inside, now!"

Though his dehydration took away most of his strength, he still had enough to do as she asked. Marie took her inside and threw her on the bed they had there. She frantically covered her up, then got an extra blanket to put on top. Craig moved by her bedside. Marie moved to the kitchen area.

The fridge’s lights buzzed as she checked to see if any suitable food was in there.

“What do you reckon we do?” asked Craig. “She probably won’t wake up for a while.”

“Oh, don’t say that. Get Callie and Eight over here and we’ll be fine…hopefully.”

Craig was handed her phone, and he used that to call Callie first. He input her phone number and clicked the call button. As the search for food continued, they both waited for her to pick up.

When she finally did, it gave them hope.

“Hey, it’s Callie! Sorry, but I can’t speak to you right now. I’m probably busy or something like that.” She giggled. “Leave a message after the beep. Bye!”

Unfortunately, that hope didn’t last long. Marie hung her head and sighed. Craig tried his best to pat her on the back.

“Let’s not give up so quickly, firefly. We still have Eight, don’t we?”

“I guess, but I don’t think she wants to speak to me. You still have your phone, right?”

He shook his head. “It’s probably somewhere up in the crater.”

“Well—”

“I’m not going to leave you.” He pointed to the Captain. “And I’m not leaving her either. You two seemed to get along before all this, so it wouldn’t hurt to call her.”

Reluctantly, Marie called Eight.

Again, they waited, but they didn’t have to for long.

“Hey, Marie. What is it?”

Though she sounded just as worn out as them, she was on the line, and that was what mattered.

“Eight! I was hoping you’d pick up.” She swallowed, choosing her next words carefully. “Listen, could you come down to Alterna and—”

A dial tone. Marie let go of her phone, letting it fall to the floor.

“Oh, God,” she groaned, shaking her head. She began pacing around the room. “What do we do, what do we do, what do we do…”

In her head, she went through all sorts of plans and scenarios. None of them seemed to work. They could get help if they told…

“Marie,” called Craig.

“Huh?”

“She’s awake.”

——

The captain tried to sit up, but Marie stopped her.

“No-no-no, you’re fine, you’re fine…”

It was clear—at least to Craig—that her lucidity was just about gone. His granddaughter stopped watching the captain’s every move to look at him.

“What should we feed her?”

“She doesn’t want food. She won’t even be awake long enough to eat.”

“…What?”

“She wants to rest, Marie. Let her.”

Her eyes widened. She rapidly shook her head. “You-you can’t mean—”

Captain grabbed her arm, snapping her out of her disbelief.

“M’rie,” she slurred.

“Yes?” She grabbed her face. “Yes, what is it?”

“Thank you,” she murmured, eyes beginning to close. “Thank you so much…”

The Captain fell asleep in Marie’s arms.

“Three?”

She shook her.

Nothing happened.

“Jun?”

Another shake.

“Junko! Junko, wake up, please!” Her breath became uneven as something dawned on her. “Please, please wake up.”

——

The pair stood over another mound right next to Naoki’s. Neither wanted to speak, but Craig still broke the silence.

“What now?”

“We leave. It’s over.”

“Do we tell—”

“No. This cannot get out, ever.”

A pause. Marie dropped the cap on the mound, then got rid of her jacket. She stuck her parasol between the two graves.

“It’s nighttime now,” said Craig. “If we were to leave, nobody would see us.”

“Yes,” agreed Marie. “Nobody would.”

Craig looked at the face of his granddaughter, who kept her eyes on the graves. Eventually, the weight of the situation got to her.

She collapsed to the ground and sobbed.

“I know, kid, I know,” muttered Craig. He watched with tired eyes as she continued to cry for a few minutes. Muffled wails of grief echoed through Alterna. Even when she was done, she didn’t get up.

She wiped at her eyes. “It doesn’t feel real.”

“I know,” he repeated.

“What are we going to do?”

“Just as you said.”

“Can we even move on?”

“Yes, we can. It’ll be hard, but you will get through this.”

“Wh-what about you?”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be just fine.”

She nodded with a smile, a real smile. “You’re right, Gramps. You will.”

——

Marie tried her best to live life like normal, but every time she saw Callie, guilt instantly overtook her. Throughout her entire life, she’d never seen her so sad. Her cousin tended to randomly stop and stand at places, arms at her sides. Other times, she’d come and go with no warning, refusing to ever look at her. As much as she wanted to talk to her, she couldn’t bring herself do. Words wouldn’t fix this. Nothing would.

When she went into the bathroom to brush her teeth, she could hear crying. When she woke up, she could hear crying. When she watched TV, she could hear crying. Turning up the volume did drown it out, but she knew it was there. She knew she was crying.

But what could she do?

Biting her tongue, she tried to keep her own tears at bay.

——

Emiko stretched after packing her bags. Just about everything she owned was split between a large backpack and a suitcase. For a while, she was planning on going to Octo Valley. Those still in the domes needed help she was more than happy to give.

Before she went, though, she decided to visit an old friend. When she walked out the door, she looked back one last time. Her imagination placed Masu and Junko on their only bed, their conversation inaudible. The girls looked up and waved with smiles, and as tears pricked her eyes, Emiko waved back.

Her heels clicked against metal stairs as she made her way down to the plaza. She looked around to make sure nobody was watching, then threw herself down the grate to Alterna.

The camp was eerily silent.

“Hello?” she called with nervous laughter. “Anyone here?”

Letting go of her baggage, she ambled forward. The tip of her heel dug into the ground, and she fell into the snow below. Shivering, she stood, only to see just who she had tripped over.

Another mound was in the ground, next to Naoki’s, The cap on it confirmed her worst fears. Her hands shook with fear as she started to cry from grief. From shock, she nearly fainted, and from all sorts of emotions, she broke. She gripped her temples, thoughts intruding.

“Not you, not you, not you,” she whispered.

She seized the charger, immediately turning it on herself. No matter how much she twitched and jolted and jerked, it wouldn’t fire.

When she lowered the weapon, she felt another emotion take over—rage.

That new recruit, she had done this. She killed Masu and got away with it, then killed the captain of the team. Instead of being punished like she deserved to be, the rest of the crew believed her sob story. This time, the aftermath would be different. This time, the new recruit’s actions would really have consequences.

She had everything she needed. She had a simple plan that would be easy to follow. She had a weapon, so all she needed was to find the new recruit—and she would.

Charger in hand, she set out to make things right.

#this is so dark actually jesus christ #what makes this worse is that these are MY agents. not even the ones i set up in the au.#its these characters i fleshed out and now it is all tumbling down. sad face #splatoon #splatoon 2 #splatoon 3 #splatoon 3 spoilers #asksef #wrote this while sort of tired so if something's off with the writing that's probably why #agent 3 #captain 3 #new agent 3 #agent 4 #squid sisters #agent 8 #tw death #tw sui attempt #sefsagents

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plavi · 2 years

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Uncommon Questions for OCs (and their creators):

1. What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

Julei is an alligator, need I say more?

But to expand, I always had Julei meditate in her free time and before/after her illusion skill training. This is due to needing to have a clear mind, intentions and focus when using her magic (on others or herself), as I headcanon illusion magic manipulating the nervous system. She is basically hacking it, and the brain is complex as it is. Meditation can be applied to all of her skills though, even in her warrior training.

Reptiles are known to sunbathe a lot due to being cold-blooded, and it also helps them perserve energy by staying in one place. So it is in her nature. That also makes me think of meditation and reminds me of monks who can go without food or water for longer periods of time.

I won't specify the exact time but leave it as "for a long time", so more than the majority of people could.

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?

Ever since I had turtles as my first pets, it is when I started to love and acknowledge reptiles. Along with my love for video games, when I started playing Oblivion in the summer of 2012, I discovered I can make a reptile character which really excited me! I always found animals more interesting than humans. Not that humans aren’t unique themselves, everything is, but having to see them every day made it boring for me, and that is why I always loved drawing something that was unusual or different. Exceptions are pigeons for which I have a sense of reverence for.

She’s my everything, she helped me explore my thoughts and feelings, be curious and research about vast topics on history, psychology, philosophies, writing etc., make friends through RP, create content. She is my tool of communication and I noticed deep down she is part of my joy. She came to be by combining multiple interests and my love of things. In a way, she is also my fictional partner with whom I can't life without. (read: lives permanently in my head.)

Although she shares aspects of me, she's actually became her own individual as she grew. So it wouldn't be correct to identify her feelings, thoughts and actions as mine. Even tho we came from our parents, ultimately we are not them, and neither is she.

[Uncommon Questions for OCs and their creators]

#oc: julei-zu

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lillianofliterature · 3 years

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Dear followers,

I wanted to leave a larger summary of what’s going on behind the scenes. I know I already give little updates often with breaks in-between stories, but I felt like this last few months has been rougher and more inconsistent than usual.

First off, I know I don’t owe anyone anything or even need to offer an explanation - I write as a hobby and as a therapeutic method to relieve anxiety and depression. I don’t get paid. I write for free, I share online for free.

That being said, I feel like my payment is the response I receive for all of my stories. The comments, the likes, the reblogs -- not because they’re numbers or markers of success, but because each notification means I’ve touched someone in some way. I’ve made a good impact on someone out there. I’m making a difference. That means everything to me. You all are amazing individuals.

With my ADHD (I was just diagnosed back in October, so it’s all pretty new to me still) it makes it so difficult to not feel guilty or shameful about not posting once a week or every other week, or whatever schedule I try to force on myself for no reason other than to “be like normal able-bodied people”, even though no one has ever rudely mentioned my spotty activity. It’s something I struggle with internally that ties into my perfectionism and having to fix a story until it’s “perfect”, which is an unachievable goal regardless of task or person.

Right now in my life, I have so much going on even though I’m not able to go out and about in the world (like most other spoonies and disabled folk around the globe). I’m in therapy dealing with a lot of childhood trauma regarding domestic violence that I, my mother, and my brother, survived. I was diagnosed with PTSD, which I’m still wrapping my brain around. My panic attacks happen more often now and my dreams are horrific as I remember more and more. I was clinically diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety, and then there’s that whole looming elephant in the room called POTS and Dysautonomia.

So if I’m being honest, I don’t feel like my best self right now or anywhere near that. And that’s a bit terrifying, especially when the world around us feels so unstable and my family is separated by lockdowns and safety protocols. Therapy is helping, although it’s a painful and truly excruciating experience some days. The biggest blow with all of this diagnosing and discussing is that I thought I was fine -- all of these years I was told by my abusers that I was overreacting, I was just sensitve, I was making things up, only “believing what I wanted to believe”. I had been gaslighted and shut down for so many years that I had believed it was all fine. I was okay. I had no reason to be depressed or bothered by it all.

And then somewhere in the last five or six months, it all fell apart, or rather blew open like an infuriated geyser. There’s so much chaos in my mind right now that it’s all I can do to get out of bed and make sure I eat, take my heart meds, and stay hydrated. Somehow my brain feels like dark blue, or completely black. It’s just dark and murky up there. Some days I make earrings for my shop, I color in a few drawings, I clean my room five times a day to ward off the intrusive thoughts. But writing has just seemed too daunting and a little bit intimidating. I’m a bit scared to open up my emotional side through a story right now, I’m afraid of what I might find hidden further in my heart.

I say all of this not only to explain myself and get it off my chest, but to shed a light on anyone who might stumble upon this. You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not losing your mind or your ability to make a difference with your uniqueness. You’re being sculpted. Chiseled away at like a great marble statue. Pruned like a berry vine so next harvest your fruits will have multiplied. This darkness is not the end. It’s a wave, it’s an encompassing storm that tosses you to and fro and leaves you vulnerable in its wake, but it will not destroy you. It’s a temporay season of life. You will make it through this.

You are worthy. You have things to do here. Dreams to find. People to love.

So, I don’t know when another story will come. I have so many ideas I’ve been sorting through and a lot of jumbled up projects rumbling around in the ole cranial unit, but not the energy or wherewithal to execute them with clarity right now. I am by no means leaving the platform or putting away my pen, I’m not going anywhere, but I’m completely through with putting undue expectations on myself when I’m already trying to carry so much at this time in my life. I may post next week, I may post next month. I may post five times in a week or five times across three months. Whatever it ends up being, I’m going to be okay with that.

Thankfully, my therapist encouraged me to write about what happened in a story (and even encouraged my hobby of writing fanfiction as a coping/healing mechanism) and change the narrative to one of strengh and survival, so I’m being encouraged to use my craft as a way of healing, which I know will serve me well. (So basically, everyone, fanfiction is therapist-approved, so tell that to your rude friends or family members who judge you for it.) I sort of touched on it in a cleaned up way through my Aragorn fic, Tell Me Your Story, but there’s still so much left to divulge and toss out of my being for good.

I just wanted to say all off this and let everyone know that I love you and even if no one in your life is saying it enough or at all, I’ll say it sincerely.

I need you on this planet with me until the very end, you got it? I need you here, doing your thing only you can do, and I need you to take care of yourself. Even if our paths never cross. I need you here. I mean that. Your life makes a difference. It is making a difference.

There’s no age limit or time limit on success or which path to take. It’s alright to pause, take a breath, and let yourself figure it out at your own pace.

Just take it day by day. Eat. Drink. Wash up when you can. Exist.

That is enough. Just existing is enough. Living your life, day to day, taking care of yourself and perservering, is extraordinary. Keep it up.

Xx Lillian

#fanfiction update #update #fanfic #ptsd #trauma #depression #anxiety #panic attacks #derealization #mental health #writing update #writing #therapy

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nonchalantsanders · 4 years

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Back at it with my terrible Predictions but maybe this time they won't be so bad because we have a trailer and that's never happened before

I've been making these prediction posts for a few years now, I think I've yet to get anything right, but that's because I keep bringing up Roman's arc and Deceit's "redemption" (read: acceptance)/name reveal. I don’t think as far as personal arcs go, not too much is going to be resolved. After DWIT tensions were increased everywhere expect with Logan. Roman was upset, Patton felt guilty, and Virgil felt Extra Guilty enough to the point of telling Thomas that he used to be a Dark Side. Logan left at what I think is his peak at the end of the most recent episode as Thomas properly acknowledge how helpful and “cool” he is. Everyone else on the other hand... they’re a mess, and so is this post. I just kinda streamlined my thoughts so this isn’t an organized list like I usually do. All of my thoughts are intertwined into this one idea that Roman is going to be extremely Not Okay At All and how that is going to impact the story and character interaction. It has a lot to do with Deceit and Patton, obviously. A lot of these ideas are very orignially, but they make sense to me. If they don’t make sense to you, call me out on it!

Remus was introduced intentionally between SvS parts 1 and 2 because at the end of part 1, NOBODY was listening to what Deceit was actually trying to say. The other sides and Thomas aren’t acknowledging him as the self-preservation he actually is. Since Deceit was being completely disregarded he said “there are smarter ways to get people to do what you want anyways,” then enter Remus. SvS pt 1 had a whole lot to do with Roman and Patton as they both represent the assest of Thomas that serve a purpose in attending the Callback and attending the Wedding. In the trailer, Roman, Patton, and Thomas are the ONLY characters shown. AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE to see some conflict from where we left Virgil, I’m not counting on the other sides being too present. I think this is going to be a “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning” style Roman vs Patton post wedding reception.

Something has to have gone terribly wrong for Thomas to say “What the F*ck, Everybody” in place of the usualy “What is up, everybody?” I really like the wrong date idea that people tossed around back in March. If the day of the wedding was wrong and Thomas missed/cancelled his callback, that would warrant the exteremly emotional and angered tone shown in the trailer. AND IF this is the case, that would have a lot to do with Logan that doesn’t make sense. Logan is always correcting the others, especially Deciet. If Logan also messed up the Wedding date, that would explain why the callback was in his calendar without Deceit tampering with the evidence, but it also leads to me to ask why the wedding wasn’t visible on Logan’s calendar at all. Logan is very proud of how organized he is and what infinitesimal amount of mistakes he’s made has really stuck with him. Logan wouldn’t have just let the others believe the events were actually conflicting unless he has something to gain from them fighting. Logan is fairly morally gray when emotions are involved and he uses his reason to explain that Thomas has more to lose if he misses the wedding and he also has more to gain by attending the callback. Deciet’s distinction between the two was used to prove his point, but is also demonstrates that Logan as a side really doesn’t have anything to contribute in this discussion. IF the wrong date theory is right, than Logan may have a bigger role in the discussion with Patton and Roman, but I don’t think it’s likely that he would make that big of a mistake.

As for what else may be the main conflict, it likely has to do with the shadow figure in the pixel art. Maybe the ex boyfriend from Moving On? Who were the sides that were particularly invested in Moving On? Roman and Patton. With help from Virgil, these boys are the most emotional and fragile, but they are also the most In Sync. They are always supporting each other (Designing sweaters together, bouncing puns off each other, and Patton taking care of Roman after flopping the audition TO NAME A FEW) and they’ve never really clashed before. The only instance I could think of was in Moving On, when Roman suggested texting the ex that it was an accidental buttdial and Patton immediately shuts it down saying “Lying is wrong” (more on that in a moment). Roman goes Big Stupid when boys are involved and I think if there were to be any reason that he and Patton would fight, I think it would be about Patton endlessly trying to prove Thomas’s selflessness as he tries to make him a “better person” while Roman is defending what is labelled as “selfishness” while trying to obtain accolades or true love.

Jumping back to the lying bit: Roman is okay with lying. He makes this clear in ‘Can Lying Be Good:’ “Well there goes the acting profession. I mean never lying at all?” Even though Logan makes the distinction between acting and lying, Roman doesn’t seem to see the difference as he is the only other side to continously bring up using excuses as a means to help Thomas (the butt dial, aunt patty in the hospital, etc.). After the introduction of Remus, and skipping the callback, Roman is probably the most fragile of all of them (Virgil is probably a close second) and knowing that he wanted Deceit to win the trial probably makes him feel worse because Deceit is the “bad guy” and a “dark side.” It’s probably devastating to him that he wanted to side with Deceit which is why he forced Thomas to go to the Wedding. In a way, Roman also has experience with self-preservation but only this instance is at his own expense. The difference between Deceit and Roman’s self-perservation is the Deceit believes his actions are for the best of everyone while Roman doesn’t want the others to think that he’s selfish so he “denies his purpose” in order to do so. ADDITIONALLY, at the end of DWIT, after Roman woke up, he said that he came to a realization bUT THEN HE NEVER STATD WHAT THAT REALIZATION WAS! He’s afraid of Remus because Remus is everything that Roman doesn’t want to be and the whole point of introducing Remus was to get to Roman as per Deceit’s agenda. What Deceit wants from Roman is obvious: to stop forcing himself to act selfless like Patton would prefer him to.

I’ve been talking about Roman’s arc for 5ever because since Virgil’s redemption, he hasn’t really, fully, completely been okay. A brief list:

Lowering his guards and biting his pride to help Virgil, a dark side

Making Thomas hurt months after a breakup and causing trouble for Patton

Writing a bad line for Virgil and his excuse was: “I have a lot going on right now!”

The line “I feel so used” at the end of ‘Can Lying Be Good.’

“Roman, you dunce! You’ve made a joke, and now they’ll think that everthing’s fine!”

And let’s not forget Deceit catching him in a lie, calling him out for denying his purpose as one of Thomas’s sides, and purposfully releasing Remus in the wild probaly knowing that Remus was going to smack Roman upside the head with a mace the first chance he got as well as serve as painful reminder to Roman that his purpose isn’t being Thomas’ creativty because someone else also serves that purpose. I think the introduction of Remus serves as a reminder the Roman that he is NOT exclusively Thomas’ Creativity and that Roman needs to emphasize his role as Thomas’ aspirations more. AND THAT brings me full circle as to why it has to be and why it’s so important that Roman is fighting as Thomas’s selfishness. These weren’t really predictions so much as they were speculations and observations, but I’m honestly just writing this to feel productive because I have 3 final exam papers due in a week and I haven’t touched any of them yet whoops!

tldr: Roman is big sad and big gay. He’s been denying his purpose in order to have his Best Friend’s (Patton’s) approval for not contributing towards BadPerson!Thomas. SvS pt 2 as Roman vs Patton is so important because the introduction of Remus made Roman come to this realization.

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moderninsight · 5 years

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A Love Like That (The curious case of Him & Her, Reprise)

Days become weeks and weeks become months and soon it’s half past and then some. It hasn’t been 365, not yet - not quite. It may very well be for it’s been 278 since her all consuming heartbreak.

She remembers when her heart was set on fire. Too much had happened, too much was at stake and too much was lov(ed) and too much was lost. An epic heartbreak warfare mess and the wildfire had run ‘round in its own madness. But the flames were soon flooded by the monsoon in her heart and she was left in the ashes of the love she had so freely gave. When love leaves you, time stops and the world as you know it reverberates to its core creating tremors and aftershocks galore. A burn so slow, so treacherous that it left her gasping for air on days without end. She remembers the exact moment her heart was wrenched open, bleeding for every minute of every hour of every God damn day. Mind-filled, heart-heavy and tear-stained, barely breathing through corrupted lungs. And all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could not put her back together again. For this kind of heartbreak had no pain relief, not when all she knew betrayed her for lack of true effort and she was traded in for a good (e a s y) time over a good thing. Too much had happened, too much was at stake and too much was lov(ed) and too much was lost and r e p l a c e d - just like that. And in due time, her rose coloured glasses shattered and she saw him for what he really was - a lost little boy masquerading as a man.

They say “time heals all wounds” and so it goes, and so it shows. But she now knows that time just moves you along with no choice and no say and she sank too far and too long that she f i n a l l y decides to swim and not sink. She puts on a brave face (God, how exhausting) and all on her own she picks up the pieces and soldiers on.

So she catches flights, still in her feelings and puts in a woman’s work. She gets lost in Japan with her wounded heart, dragging it along the kaleidoscope of Tokyo lights and eating away the night sublime. She bullets over to Kyoto and tries to take in the serene but the dull ache in her chest is all she feels. She takes her heart next through Korea to the Philippines where she reunites with her family after 10 long years. She laughs, she cries and lives a little more. She delights in the palm trees, sea breeze and the loudness of it all. She doesn’t know if it’s more fun in the Philippines but she does know it’s more fun with her smile. Then she’s off to Orlando for a Disney adventure, screaming from the tallest heights and rushing through torrential downpour in what truly is The Happiest place on Earth. Then she’s back on cloud nine and finds herself dancing through Havana nights, a city truly frozen in time. She relishes in losing the outside world and roaming through rainbow buildings and retro cars, falling asleep to Cuban lullabies. Then she’s running through the 6ix with less of her woes and remembers the last time she was in Toronto. Doe eyed and naive but fast forward to today, she’s feeling 28. Here’s to another year she muses, here’s to more life, more heart and MORE HER. And soon enough she’s back home and no longer the girl she once was, broken and in disarray but a woman in search of her word. She may have lost the battle but she’s clearly winning the war.

In the midst of it all she had already put herself out there. Unsure, unready and so very afraid but she hits download anyway. The whole thing is daunting and the fear inescapable but when is anyone ever ready for anything anyway? So she jumps head first (for once) and heart after. She swipes left aplenty but swipes right on a few and - It’s a match!

She doesn’t know what to think of him at first, ‘cause she left him on read as she plane hopped in June but his interest was engaging and oh so soon they exchange numbers and “Can I call you?”

His voice catches her off guard - older and more refined and so sure of himself as they spoke of everyday things. And next thing you know they set a date and she’s standing in the movie theatre with a nervous fervor. They’re thrilled by swinging spiders far from home and endless conversation and next thing you know it’s past midnight and she’s found herself intrigued beyond belief. The next few weeks are filled with his smile, his laughter and boyish jokes

[*sunglasses on, hat on* “This is my running like an actor look” to “Where’d all these cars come from? It’s like the Avengers rolled through, slow down Spider-Man!”]

But nothing excites her more than the way he stimulates her mind [”You know we’re an anomoly, You and I”]

She finds herself glowing in this connection they’ve created, talking of near misses of years past [”we were both in Langara at the same time!” and “just gonna go back in time and be like see you in 5 years?”] to a soft familiarity as if she’s supposed to have known him before [”I used to fly LA all the time, pretty sure you were my gate agent once maybe twice”].

But it’s the little things she’ll never forget and the little things he’s done for her in such a short amount of time. From car rides home, Bazzi’s 3:15 and singing to old school jams and Backstreet Boys. And God, he doesn’t know it but boy could he sing. And every time he did, her heart skipped a little faster than it should.

He takes her to nature, hand-holding, eye-glancing and steal-kissing. And soon enough he feels like summer. From sunrises to sunsets to before midnights and to his handsome cockiness she decides that she likes. “What’s your type?” She’s not sure, she likes what she likes but if she really had to choose he’d be her type. And he tells her that she’s different [”yeah I’m different”] But there’s still a garden in her heart and the walls are very high. They joke that they’re “friends with feelings” but then the elephant in the room was always looming and she knew perhaps it was too good to be true. He chalks it up to “timing,” the invariable third party in the tango of life.

Her heart sinks a little because he nips it in the bud before anything can really bloom and she thinks it’s a shame because she knows they could be so much more than just g r e a t. And in the end, she wishes he would stay. [”I know what i’m missing out on,” he quietly says] Ah, at least somebody does.

But she’s never felt this before...as though a missed opportunity had passed them by but she gets it, she understands. God, she understands. He’s always been upfront with his convictions and they still joke through it all and she respects him all the more but damn, what a shame. She hopes they can still be friends, minus the feelings (maybe) because he’s cool enough to kick it but who knows she may never hear from him again...and so it goes, so it shows (See you in 5 years? hah).

And for a split second she allows herself to play make believe, thinking of the would have’s, could have’s, should have’s they could be. You find someone you like and you roll the die and the hand she’s been dealt had folded too quick - and that’s okay. But there’s always a pendulum swing and what goes down must come back up. So she’s grateful for his charm and the mind he has that she so wishes she could still pick. And the gratitude still wells in her heart for she’s writing again and she has him to truly thank. s i g h.

So days become weeks and weeks become months and soon it’s half past and then some. It hasn’t been 365, not yet - not quite. It may very well be for it’s been 278 since her all consuming heartbreak.

But she knows she’s a woman worth pursuing, who grows only in love with herself even more. And a woman who loves herself is deadly for that she is sure. Her resilience astounding, her drive alluring and forever searching from the depths of her world-building soul. It’s hard being a dreamer in a realist world but that’s what’ll make you fall in love with her. She thought she was a woman in search of her word but she’s always known what it was. She may have forgotten for a moment in the midst of all that madness but now she knows she’s truly a work of heART.

And real love? It does make canyons out of mountains and divide oceans apart. It isn’t just about making someone feel special, anyone can do that. Again, real love is a real work of heART - just like her. And when love finds you, let it in. And when love finds you...let it show, let it grow. Love is made with the fondness of sighs, a perserving sweet and a fire in lover’s eyes. Hardened hearts yet open eyes and a touch of vulnerability sealed with a kiss after a long day’s night. And when the right people come into your life, there’s no such thing as “timing”, no barrier it can’t overcome because when real love finds you...it’s t i m e l e s s and those kind of people are always right.

She’s still afraid of falling but she’s no longer scared of heights for she knows she can give a love like that.

Hey google, play “Love like That” by Snoh Aalegra

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lupinepariah · 4 years

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Jormag — Dragon of Therapy

I’ve decided to get a Tumblr so that I can talk more long-form than on Twitter. One of the first topics I want to cover is the Icebrood Saga of Guild Wars 2.

I’ve seen some say that this is a Game of Thrones/A Song of Fire and Ice storyline, I don’t agree with that for... a number of reasons—not least of which that I feel it’s about time that we were done with tales of dissension—which I’ll cover here. I think this might be interesting for fans of Guild Wars 2 and those who’ve any experience with therapy.

First of all, I don’t want to rile up the GRRM fans too much but Game of Thrones isn’t exactly good writing, it only seems clever on a superficial level but due to how it’s written the stories can’t actually ever go anywhere as any progress would undermine its focus on pathos and the supposed terribleness and fractured nature of people. This is why GRRM always ends up stalled or in a holding pattern, it’s why the last season of Game of Thrones was so bad as well. I don’t want that for Guild Wars 2. I believe their writers are better than that.

Another problem with the focus of stories like that is that it invites a strong Alt-Right presence, which is certainly the case in the Guild Wars 2 community. I’ve heard “Make Ascalon Great Again” more times than I can count and I’ve had death threats for being a charr fan, it’s absurd. It’s like they took their real world feelings of ethno-supremacy and poured it into the charr as a recepticle of their antisemitism. I think it’s because in Guild Wars 2, the charr “won” whereas the white man did not. This isn’t what happened per se but that’s a topic for another time.

I think that ArenaNet is working to tell more relevant stories and to oust the Alt-Right infestation from their community.

For this reason, I think Jormag’s on the level and on our side.

Hang on, though, hear me out!

For a while now I’ve noticed that Guild Wars 2 has started dealing with some interesting topics, most recently there were some fairly poignant and pointed messages about mental hygiene that would help those who’re not familiar with the ins-and-outs of invasive thoughts. In my opinion, Kralkatorrik’s torment was an exceptionally clever way to do so, in the last act of Living World season 4, we’re beating up a parasite that’s a physical representation of invasive thoughts. What’s most telling about this experience is that Kralkatorrik himself is fighting against it, with Aurene and the Commander serving as his therapists.

It’s a touch abstract but it’s something that simmers. Younger gamers who’ve played it might end up seeing their invasive thoughts as similar to Kralkatorrik’s torment and thus something they can fight. This is amazing to me. I wish more videogames were this brazen, clever, or bothered to care as much.

So what if you’re an Elder Dragon whose spheres of power are ice, perservation, empathy and persuasion? You’re able to feel the suffering of all of these poor, mortal babies and it’s driving you crazy, all you want to do is help them. However, you’re struggling to repress your own inner torment, you’re dealing with how much distrust they have of you due to their preconceived notions, and you’re dealing with other issues too (we’ll come back to this). I’ve had bad experiences just trying to get people into therapy and it’s frustrating.

I felt my eyebrows shoot up when I first watched the Icebrood trailer as Jormag didn’t get growly until they mentioned suffering, but it gets better. What’s most revealing is that the tone they use isn’t one of anger, hatred, intimidation, or aggression. They sound frustrated, very frustrated. It’s relateable.

As I played Icebrood, a number of things stood out to me.

“Their wounds will never heal.”

Jormag is talking about how Rytlock and Crecia are stuck in a cycle of pain because they can’t face their past traumas, they’re too afraid to. Oh, sure, it’s easy to stab someone in the face or swing a sword, but sitting down and talking about your failures? Neither of them can do it. Everyone is afraid of talking! See, Rytlock is always trying to be worthy of Ryland and Crecia, so he’s always running off on these madcap quests to prove himself worthy of them. This is why he tells us in Path of Fire that he needs a win. Crecia has abandonment issues because she doesn’t know what’s going on in Rytlock’s head and it’s given her codependency. That’s why Crecia is so clingy with Bangar.

If only they’d just talk!

“You always have to pick up the pieces.”

Braham has so many issues but hey, he’s a norn, feelings are for losers! He’s a big, strong meatshield and he can handle and push through anything! He doesn’t need to talk! So all the Commander can do is pick up the pieces whenever he shatters, and put band-aids on his fragile psyche. He’s always ready to be a legend, but he’s too scared to face his past traumas and talk about them as well. This frustrates me.

And Marjory? Marjory is the masculine one of her relationship with Kasmeer, she seems to believe she has to be the strong one. As such, she won’t face her past either. She can’t admit vulnerability and thus she won’t talk about it, so she can’t let Belinda go.

So they all suffer.

If I were Jormag, I’d be growling about it too.

Jormag just wants them to trust so that they can all get therapy. Their means are persuasion, they want to resist their torment but they also want to help. All the while their torment is using Jormag’s own power to cause suffering with drives Jormag even more potty. The torment of the Elder Dragons just wants their respective dragons to give in, obey, and follow the cycle of destruction and creation. We know Jormag is resisting because they’ve said that they’d rather freeze the world than let that happen again.

So where could the story go from here? I think that eventually Jormag will manage to convince Aurene, which will lead to her and the Commander taking on Jormag’s torment. With Jormag free, they reveal what the “danger just beyond the horizon” is. It’s an invasion force coming in from Cantha, powered by he Deep Sea Dragon. This terrifies Jormag as it would result in so much death and suffering that it’s unthinkable to them. This falls under the “other issues” category I mentioned earlier.

You’ll also note that Fraenir mentioned the “Age of the Dragon,” not the “Age of Jormag.” Just wanted to throw that out there.

All Jormag wants to do is heal people. Right now, distrust and their own torment is making that impossible. They want the Commander to realise what’s going on, if they do they’ll understand that they could really use Jormag’s help. Not just have more draconic power to resist the Canthan invasion but also to provide therapy to the many broken people of Tyria who need it, as Tyria doesn’t really have a way to deal with poor mental health right now.

This would be an incredibly progressive message. I can only imagine it would be good for PR. “Guild Wars 2 has a non-binary therapy dragon!”

The icing on the cake, though? With Jormag’s torment gone, they turn to Bangar and provide him with therapy for his fear of humans and general xenophobia. Bangar comes out of this healthy and in a speech to the Blood legion he declares that Blood now stands with the treaty, that he believes that racism along with the preconceived notions and prejudices that fuel it are foolish. That, indeed, he was a fool and blinded by pointless hatred that served no one and might’ve brought about the end of the Blood legion.

This would say to the unsavoury Alt-Right element of the community that “Hey, hatred isn’t really welcome here any more. Also, therapy isn’t a dirty word. Maybe try it?”

That’s what I’m really hoping for. I don’t normally let myself hope for something this much as I’ve had my hopes crushed one too many times and I’m plenty scarred myself. I will allow myself a little hope here though because it’d be very strange to go with a troped story, it’d be destructive for ArenaNet to make Jormag evil. It’d effectively say “Oh, hey, all of those things that seemed to be messages about mental health? They weren’t. We don’t care about invasive thoughts or any of that stuff. Also, it’s fine if you’re a Nazi. We don’t give a damn.”

I really can’t see that happening???

That’s why I’m fairly convinced that Jormag is good, and that the only problematic elements we see derive from Jormag’s torment rather htan Jormag themself. Plus, “Guild Wars 2 has a non-binary therapy dragon!” is way better as a headline than “ArenaNet kills off its non-binary dragon.” yeah?

This is why I’m allowing myself to hope. They couldn’t be that foolish, could they? Unlikely. But they could be that wise!

Don’t shatter my fragile hope, please?

#guild wars 2 #gw2 #jormag #icebrood saga #the icebrood saga #dragons #i welcome our icy therapy dragon into the fold #i really want aurene and jormag to be buds

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goldenbokki-blog · 6 years

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I’ve had some thoughts about Ogata yesterday, but haven’t gotten the chance to write them all down. obvious spoiler warnings ahead, as I’m going to talk about some certain revelations in the manga. Anyway, here’s Shiro blurbing about a fictional character’s trust issues and his lengths in trying to understand and have.

I wanna start with this: yes, Ogata has probably the worst trust issues out of the entire group. He was loved as a kid by his mother (before she started neglecting him) and his grandmother. And in turn, he loved those parental figures. He loved his mother so much, that it pained him to watch her deteriorate mentally when his father left them. He was his illegitimate child of a geisha, and therefore was seen as a waste of life by his father, and that mentality extended to his ex-wife. So, in order to test his father’s love, he poisoned and killed his own mother. But he never came.

Ogata doesn’t necessarily understand what Love or Trust really is, as he says that the meaning of those words are “as obscure as the Gods.” So the acts he did as a kid, when he murdered his mother out of “love” was actually out of pity. Since he doesn’t understand what love was, due to the absence of a father and a mother loving each other, I feel like his actions were due to him trying to figure out what it meant.

Trust never really developed in him as a kid, as his father had betrayed his family from the start. He never developed a relationship with his parents either. With his mother in a deranged state, all she cared about was whether her husband would return or not.

And the outcome of that lack of trust manifests itself in his actions in present day. He values self-perservation above all else. He joined the 7th Division solely to eventually overthrow and betray Tsurumi. He betrayed Sugimoto’s and Hijikata’s group and left them to rot. And it probably won’t stop there as the manga continues on.

But I would like to argue that he isn’t devoid of these emotions, and if anything he is still actively trying to understand it through his experiences. I’m saying that it is a long ways until he develops a good trust bond with everyone. And it starts with Asirpa, who I feel he is the most comfortable with. This is probably due to her natural familial instincts and the food that they share. He has shown signs of enjoyment in being around her while hunting and eating, and has also shown that he is protective of her. (Whether that his instincts are just keeping Asirpa alive long enough to get the treasure is up for debate, but my hopeful ass wants him to just trust her as a person/hunting partner).

I guess what I’m trying to say with this not-very-thought-out rant about Ogata’s character is that he is changing gradually. It’s definitely going to be a while before he isn’t a back-stabbing asshole and just a regular asshole. There is potential for him to be good. Which is kind of a cliche in story-telling, but everyone wants an antagonist to do good at some point right?

...

who am i kidding he’s probably just gonna die an asshole.

#❖ || ooc. || sʜɪʀᴏ ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ɢᴏʟᴅᴇɴ #▼ || headcanons. || OGATA #// me: i hate ogata #// also me: i can write essays about him easily #// man i just word vommited so hard #violence tw #death tw #long post

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cur10uscr0w · 7 years

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Is all of the Gatewatch a feasible thing to ask for the character thing? If it isn't, Liliana, Jace, Ral, Ajani, Nissa, and Chandra.

This is going to be a looooong answer, so I’m putting it under a cut~ Thank you!

Ajani

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would banghogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffbest quality: Cares so much, wants to help everyoneworst quality: Can’t catch a break, not getting enough hugsship them with: Garruk… It started at crack—and then a fic idea came to me about Ajani spending a few months helping cure Garruk of the curse and just soldiering on through the really bad days as cursed!Garruk yells vivid death threats at him and clearly doesn’t appreciate his sacrafice, until he slowly becomes less cursed and starts to appreciate everything Ajani is doing for him. He still has bad days where the curse is winning, but Ajani sticks to it and helps him anyways until they both can be happy together………. ^^; I might write this ficbrotp them with: GIDEON!! They can help each other through loss™, as well as Chandra; he and Elspeth are going to get to be BFFs again, I have decided, Wizarsds ;.;needs to stay away from: Nicol Bolas unless he can take him out, Same for Heliodmisc. thoughts: I just really love Ajani’s character and how he’s perservered through so much and is now so kind and gentle while accepting he’s going to have to go through more shit to make sure less pain comes to less people across the Multiverse.

Chandra

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would banghogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffbest quality: Always ready to fight, especially for people’s freedoms; adorkableworst quality: Always comparing her worth to others, especially Jaya; too hard on herselfship them with: Nissa, sometimes Lilianabrotp them with: Jace, Gideon, Ajani; If she ever meets up with Ral, I think they would hit it offneeds to stay away from: Dovin Baan, basically anyone who was a part of the Consulatemisc. thoughts: I would really love for her and Gideon to come up against the Order of Heliod/Heliud, and come to a firm decision on if it’s good or bad. I would really like for it to be a mono-white evil they have to take out. That story would focus on them and how it would strain their friendship until they overcame obstacles and took out the Order/reformed it. They are even better pals afterwards.

Gideon

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would banghogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffbest quality: His steadfast will to protect those who need it; his compassion and belief in everyone; his surprising wit (people think he’s a dumb block of muscle, but he smart enough to trick a Cosi fanboy); his luscious locksworst quality: Feels his mistakes can never be wiped clean, haunted by his failuresship them with: Jace, I could be persuaded to Ajanibrotp them with: Chandra, Jace, Tazri, p much anyone, he has so much love and support to giveneeds to stay away from: Erebos, Heliod, misc. thoughts: I really look forward to the lore creating some character growth for him, maybe giving him closure and letting him fully heal from the death of his Irregulars. The BFZ story where he thought of the Zendikari as his Irregulars and then half of them died was heart breaking.

Jace

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang | MAYBE, WHO KNOWS, HE USES ILLUSIONS SO MUCH | a sweaty gremlin who forgets to shower for two weeks straighthogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffbest quality: Genuinely wants the best for people, will to sacrifice himself for others (both in battle, and mental health-wise), has a cool cloak with fake arcane markings ‘cause he thinks it looks prettyworst quality: CAN’T KEEP HIS DAMN MEMORIES INTACT; often fueled more by arrogance and curiosity than good intentions until he actually gets to know the people he’s affecting; has a history of being weak willed in standing up for himself and lets others suffer for itship them with: Ral Zarek, Gideon, MAYBE Lili if she can own up to how she abused him, Kallistbrotp them with: Emmara (can we please stop forgetting she is the friend he’s had the longest and the only surviving friend he has from his Infinite Consortium and before times?), Chandra, Gideon, Lavinia, Kallist Jori En, anyone willing to give him a much needed hug and some coffeeneeds to stay away from: Tezzeret, Nicol Bolas, Lili for a while, himselfmisc. thoughts: He is often hated by many for being the fandom favorite and Wizard’s cash cow, but when you actually read his story and examine his character, he’s so interesting and compelling. He’s not really a pretentious OP mage who can walk into any situation and come out unscathed; he fails a lot and learns from his mistakes, and he only presents himself as pretentious and powerful because of his insecurities that he can’t shake. That the lore has pretty much ignored all of the training Kallist gave him and the months of muscle memory he should have of being a badass that has no problem wielding a bastard sword is unforgivable.

Liliana

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would banghogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffbest quality: Sexy and she knows it; super smart and connivingworst quality: Sexy and she knows it; super smart and connivingship them with: Gideon, Chandra sometimesbrotp them with: CHANDRA, Jace if they can actually settle the past properlyneeds to stay away from: Jace until they can have a healthy dialogue about how they can progress from here, Nicol Bolas, Tezzeretmisc. thoughts: I love her character so much. She is a horrible person, but I think Gids and Jace could bring out the good in her if she’s willing to change

Nissa

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would banghogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffbest quality: Passionate; self-sacrificing; would planeswalk to the edge of the Multiverse for her friends even though she’s so homesickworst quality: Her character is only starting to be fleshed out, we don’t have enough content yet (Kaladesh more than doubled her character complexity imho)ship them with: Chandrabrotp them with: Ashaya and…… I wish I had something more for this box… Like I can see her brotp’ing with Jace or Gids, but we just don’t have much context for how she relates with anyone other than Chandraneeds to stay away from: Innistrad’s moon, Sorin… again, we need more context for how she feels about things other than the Eldrazi and Zendikarmisc. thoughts: I am so, so, so very, very glad that they retconned her to not be racist. Now they just have to give us character development

Ral

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang | YUM I need me some more Izzet fashionhogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffbest quality: Inquisitive; isn’t afraid to disregard a 10,000 year old dragon’s orders; fashionable and he knows itworst quality: mURDERS MELEK AND ALMOST COMPELTELY FORGIVEN BY THE FANDOM; is down with murder; tried to destroy Jace’s only surviving friendship; petty; probably rather xenophobic and elitistship them with: Jacebrotp them with: Jace… Once Jace gets him to actually open up to other living beings: Lavinia, Emmara, Teysa, and hopefully the Gatewatch (I think he and Chandra would get along too well XD)needs to stay away from: We don’t really know. Most of his character fan conjecture at this point. He’s only appeared in a shot novella series and two lore articles and has had next to no character development yetmisc. thoughts: He just has so much potential as a character. I love him. I love Izzet. I want him to join the Gatewatch solely in order to assure the Guildpact isn’t getting himself killed, and then finding he begins to give a damn about the Multiverse and people he’s never met. He would be so uncomfortable with these altruistic feelings and would probably blame Jace like it’s a bad thing to want to defend the helpless

#mtg #pokedex answers #anon #thank you!#ask box meme

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