#guys bpd sucks ass | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

twsthc · 6 months

Note

oooo if you ever wanna talk abt caters system my dms are always open!!! :D also i wish you luck on your journey, ik how confusing it is in the beggining (i have did) ,,,, im sure youll figure it out, slowly! and i know some stuff abt it so if you want to learn lmk :]

i also have a hc of ortho osdd-1a or 1b :3c im not so sure on the specifics but ye

now to the rambling!!!

for floyd i go off some HCs i have for her, like him having the adhd + autism + bpd combo, which makes him a very unstable fella. i also HC that the coral sea was Rough, principally where he comes from, so the circumstances werent at her favour and Boom, did system

some of his alters are sea-life based, but brainmade, with a ton of diff species! the others are based off songs she likes & characters she sees herself in/relates to! sometimes the characters resemble jade, too. theres only a few trauma holders, most are protectors or soothers, and some persecutors!

theyre like. that weird, big family down the street. they all like each other a lot but they looove to bicker and brawl and all of that. ALSO all of them Love jade too! they see him the same way they see floyd :D shes included in their weird family, floyd says shes an honorary member of his system!!

iii think his inner world would be like. a beach house! close to the sea and such, cause hes a mermaid but he also likes having legs. so beach house it is! its veey big and lively! i also think hed learn it after he comes to land, maybe in the middle of his freshman year, but he wasnt very affected by it. hes also very open about it he does not give two shits lol

for riddle... its canon that her childhood was shitty, ever since she was old enough to talk & walk, so its no wonder hes a system too lol. i hc her as autistic + bpd and that heavily influenciated the whole splitting too

she has some brainmades, mostly based on flowers & animals (ladybug & rabbit), But i also HC that she has some alters from an old novel she red while small ! one he loved soo much and his brain split the guys. i even have their roles (soother, protector, gatekeeper, and some others) but anyways! most of her alters are either from books or brainmade, and theres a shitton of trauma holders. she has like only 1 or 2 guys from songs cater showed her and Thats It. no more song guys lol

most of them are either very smart and prideful and all of that, or theyre sillay. very funny fellas, love having fun, but still smart as hell !

after her overblot he like. split three or five more in a week 😭😭 it sucked ass and he had an awful headache for days. + he was only made aware of her system After the overblot, during the recuperation week, bc the other alters went to check on her, and it was. Something. she told cater & trey right away and they helped her navigate it all, then she told adeuce duo too and some other few close friends!

i hc that her inner world is a big ass red white pink and black castke, in the middle of a very dense florest, with a maze and all. the fauna & flora are kinda diverse and all ! very pretty :]]

also i am. a big fan of florid..... and i think theyd start dating someday. and when they do. they turn into partner systems (if u dont know what it is lmk) and lots of other alters from their systems start dating too lol. they take turns to stay w their s/o.... theyre all so annoying and cute

(i have some names for their systems too.... rosewell for riddle's and vortice for floyd's... yay)

and PLLSS tell me abt kalim osdd . if u want. i love him so much hes my special gal !!! im interested in the HC :D it makes sense. in mah head

anyways hope the rambling entertained you!!! the voices in my head told me my HCs and to me these voices are right. theyre very real

⚠️ mention of kidnapping

OKGGMGMNE i love this. all of my alters hate me #cantrelate floyd. i will be n ur dms soon...

for cater i have an entire google slide of alters that's unfinished but ill send that to you later :3

i don't really have much to add.. very cute very real.. 5 stars would dine again..

UHH ALSO KALIM OSDD3 i think when shes distressed she disassociates for a few hours and after jamils OB she was out for a week; her brains response to the kidnappings and other traumatic shit she was put thru. i don't hc her to have alters tho! one of my RAMCOA friends hcs her to have HC-DID tho!

i also think the human brain is super interesting.. i was wondering how traumatic events would effect merpeople/beastmen differently so it's interesting to see someone hc floyd as someone affected by his upbringing. i think there's a thin line of difference between what's considered normal/traumatic for humans and non humans (for example, jade being implied to eat his and floyds siblings is considered normal, but would the violence down there be?)

#twsthc ask

2 notes · View notes

pussyslaycatboy · 8 months

Note

1 2 3 4 5 7 8 10 20 22 23 25 30 36 41 e f and g with august :)

and i love you SOOOOOOOOOOO SO SO SO SO MUCH BABY

HELLO BABE I LOVE YOU!!!!! SO MUCH!!!!!! KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS!!! also you're insane for this im putting this under the cut its so much

he straight up can't, because he needs a constant distraction from his thoughts, otherwise he'll start spiralling. he literally does everything he can not to think, so he can't just sit there. he'll explode.

surprisingly easy, despite being sick in the head he's actually pretty easy-going with most people, and he has a good sense of humor. if he doesn't laugh at a stupid joke then you KNOW something's wrong.

he very rarely goes to bed sober. again, because of the "needs a constant distraction" thing. so more often than not, even if he's sober beforehand, he'll take a few shots to get tipsy before he's comfortable enough to sleep.

it really depends. august has this huge mistrust of authority figures, so he won't trust anyone who's even moderately related to therapy or counseling or teachers or cops or anything. HOWEVER, if he likes someone he's got a bad habit of completely ignoring all their flaws and trusting everything they say (bpd moment), and it'll take almost no time. and he's aware of this flaw, and tries really hard to be mistrusting so he doesn't get hurt again, but. well. it doesn't really work.

again, depends who you are. on the off chance he becomes close with an authority figure, even the slightest fuck-up can cause him to immediately shift back into distrust. however, someone he likes can lie to him over and over, and august will fall back into trusting them if they just apologize and promise they won't do it again. kind of pathetically easy to gaslight his ass.

anything home-y triggers nostalgia for his family--home-cooked food, suburban white family decor, stuff like that. the feeling's kind of bittersweet, because he did have a fairly happy childhood (even including the time he was getting groomed, unfortunately) but it also hurts because he knows he'll never have that again. he also gets nostalgia for church-related stuff like sunday mass, but that's less pleasant because it just makes him think about harper (for not-chad, the priest who groomed him as a teen) and how he was abandoned by him.

august was a pretty normal good kid, but he was. a little bit gay. so he'd get reprimanded for stuff like staring at male models at the mall or doing "girly" stuff and shit like that as a kid (which sucks, because he was never taught to cook or clean because of that). tbh otherwise he was a really good kid--his grades were average, but he made up for it by being really faithful, and he was usually pretty quiet and polite.

when harper left him, august learned really quickly that he could NOT tell therapists and shit that being groomed was the best thing to ever happen to him. because they'd always go "oh my god, that's terrible! i'm so sorry that dirty man did that to you!" but. august was genuinely at his happiest while being groomed (obviously it wasn't healthy, but he was really happy). so he learned really quickly not to talk about it at all, or lie and say that it was soooo awful. it doesn't haunt him per se, but he built a lot of resent towards authority figures for that reason, because nobody would ever listen to him and always tried to make harper out to be a bad guy, which august does not agree with. and it fucking hurts to pretend he doesn't love harper.

he honestly can't really differentiate them. his family loved him, but he always felt like it was conditional, so he'd consider familial love to be fake. and he can't tell the difference between romantic or platonic love--the closest thing he could tell is that romantic love is when you want to fuck a person you love, and platonic is when you don't want to fuck them.

when he's jealous, august becomes EXTREMELY insecure and clingy. he has huge abandonment issues that are already worsened by his bpd, so he'll dig in his heels and do absolutely anything not to be abandoned. which. does include hurting people he loves and acting in a super unhealthy way.

he gets sooo bitchy, or will mope and whine around the person he's envious of until he gets what he wants. like a fucking 8 year old.

he wants to get married one day, but has trouble imagining someone sticking with him long enough to get to that point. as a kid, he really really wanted to marry harper, and a part of him still hopes he can. he's kind of bitter on the subject of marriage because it's basically inaccessible to him.

probably anim, because it's their fault that he learned all these terrible things about harper. he would have been more than happy to live completely ignorant forever, but now he can't do that.

he seeks out romance constantly, because he's unable to not be in a relationship. he needs to feel wanted and useful, and if that means he needs to pursue people who treat him terribly, he will. it's not really "romance" in a healthy sense, it's more like looking for attention and sex and affection under the guise of a romanic relationship.

he's neutral on them. he doesn't want them himself, and thinks they're kind of annoying, but they also make him nostalgic for his own childhood. because he wishes he was a kid again so bad, because he was so much happier.

e. i think i'd like sharing hot gossip with august but i could NOT be close with him. way too much drama involved, and he's basically just a more intense version of my mental illness so i think it would suck. plus i think he'd find me boring.

f. he makes me so fucking sad. because i think he's so tragic but also he's kind of the oc that's closest to me in terms of. many things. so his shit hits a little close to home. i love him.

g. he refuses to fucking get therapy. get normal loser boy.

#oc stuff

1 note · View note

rhaenyras · 8 months

Note

Do you have any advice for doing long distance ? This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in by a longggg shot; he’s wonderful and it truly feels like we’re a team. But I’m moving 8000 miles away for 3 months and we’ll only have been together for 10 months by the time I leave. We both want to try to make it work, and I’m confident that we can make it work, but would uhhh love absolutely any tips you/your followers might have because despite all that it is daunting and I assume will suck a lot. Esp because will have very little pto and he’s a student so he has very little $$ to pay for flights. Thank you!

3 months, you say? it's funny because that's the exact amount of time i spent away from my then-boyfriend (now husband) during the first 2020 covid lockdown. we didn't cohabitate yet back then so we had to spend the lockdown apart. it was very daunting, indeed, but we tried to always find the time to talk on the phone or play videogames together over discord or even watch a movie together thanks to that new shared screen feature on netflix etc. it wasn't easy and my bpd ass split on him like... a thousand times over the months that we didn't see each other irl, but im sure you guys can make it work better than i ever did, especially if it's not a permanent situation. you wouldn't wanna waste something special over 90 days. plus i was afraid of the reunion and kinda unsure about how we would feel being in each other's company again after so long, but as it turned out i was needlessly overthinking because we were ALL over each other when we met again after the separation (and the sex was fire too lol). so, good luck!!!!

#ofc if my followers have anything to add they can reply here or message me or whatever #ask #anon #anonymous #+ brrr i just remembered one of the ugliest times of my life and i had a shiver #thank god im out of the woods now

0 notes

television-pil0t · 1 year

Text

I don’t know if this could possibility make since but.. I wish I loved my mom.

She was my mother. She did everything for me. I wish I loved her. I wish I could’ve been better. I wish I didn’t turn out the way I did. I wish I could say it wasn’t her fault and a lot of it was but at the same time.. idk. I don’t wanna blame my mommy. She did the best she could and god I wish I could hug her. I wish could just say it’s ok. I wish I could’ve cared more. I wish I didn’t wanna hurt her so bad all the time. I wish I could be normal for her. For everyone in my life that I was close to of course I feel.. something. Not guilt.. not sadness.. im not heavy but I’m not happy about it either. It’s like.. I feel nothing but my brain is trying so hard to get me to feel something? I wish I cared for my friends more. I wish I didn’t give everyone such a blank stare. I wish my voice wasn’t so monotone. I wish I could’ve said I loved her and meant it. I wish everything was better. I wish I died and not her. Everyday I think about it. Not because I’m suicidal or anything. I just am aware I’m not a good person. I’m really really not. I understand I hurt people completely unintentionally. Even when I try to do the right thing it always ends up coming up short. I knew Daemon for years. From 4th to 8th grade. We were best friends and I’d do anything for him and still I wonder was it just a obsession. He has NPD he didn’t give me that much attention. Was it because he was a guy that I valued him so much? What about with khye. Why do I think about him so often? Why can I just drop some people and have others stick in my head for what feels like ever. What was the difference. What did they give that others didn’t.

Sometimes I forget about my own mom. I forget she existed.. I forget about daemon. About Simon. About Zakaya.. they were the most important thing in my life and.. more than anything someone I wanted to protect.. without feeling anything for them besides a urgency to be with them. I guess it’s BPD and ASPD but.. I feel.. idk.

I remember one night in 7th grade I couldn’t stop cutting myself. I was just alone in my room. My blue,pink and green room and someone opened the door because my door wasn’t allowed to be locked and it was him. He was standing there and he just looked at me. He didn’t cry. He didn’t say anything he just took the razor away and held me. It felt like hours went by where I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t shaking. I was just there. Being held. Bleeding feeling the blood drop down my arm and then eventually feeling it dry. We got up and he cleaned me up and left. Minimal words were spoken. “Are you ok.” “Yeah.” “You still wanna keep going?” “..no.” “Are you lying.” “No.” “Ok…” I remember it all. He left and the next day started like nothing even happened. He was back to his silly ass self. So was I even tho I know the thought was in the back of both of our minds.

I never felt like daemon pitted me. I felt like he did what he felt like he should do. Just like me. The older I grow the more I realized I was like him a lot. Which.. sucks. I don’t think he ever cared about me to much.. I think he was bothered by me but I was there. I don’t know how he saw me but.. I don’t blame him. I’m not made. He gave me memory and he grew up with me and I can’t be mad at that since he showed me he cared about me.

I guess I did the same to my mom just.. less. I remember snapping at her a lot. We would get into fights and I’d do things just to hurt her so often. Yet when she was crying I felt like I should help her.. sometimes. Yet I would also wish I wasn’t around her. I would want to leave. I’d want her to shut up when she’s talking yet at the same time I could listen to her talk all day. We threatened each other often. She slapped me before. She would hurt me so badly emotionally I think I wanted to hurt her too.

Zakaya was probably one of my first EP. Thinking about everything I feel like checking myself into a mental hospital really bad. I know there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what it is though. Maybe I’m just not “in touch with my emotions.” But.. idk. I wanna be. I don’t wanna take dolma aspects of every person I meet and mold them into me. I feel so.. not real.

Maybe the stress of going to have to be a real person soon is getting to me or maybe it’s genuinely just that bad and I never had the chance to just sit here and be alone. I always avoids my thoughts. I always have. I hate thinking. It feels like there’s so damn much. To much. It feels crowded and then I feel like im just saying nonsense so I never tell this to anyone. I never talk to anyone about it. I don’t think there will ever be a cure so I don’t wanna go to a specialist but I wanna know what they think but.. I don’t wanna be told there’s so much wrong with me. I hate this. I feel so weird right now. Physically. I feel everything. I feel ichy. I feel uncomfortable. I feel so self aware it’s killing me. It’s so uncomfortable. Mentally I feel detached but locked into my body. Like im trying so hard to back out if this but im not. I can’t. This is why I hate thinking so much. To much to realize.

I miss my mom everyday. I miss everything about her. I miss khye. I miss daemon. I miss Yvonne. And Mikey. And mante.. I miss my old group of people. I miss Simon. At the same time I don’t. God it’s so fucking confusing. I feel SOMETHING when I think of these people. I know I did what I did for a reason but maybe im thinking into it to much. Maybe it was just a life goes on moment. A “you have someone prepare you for the person your about to meet next” thing. But I don’t like that. I wanna be loved and wanted but I hate it. I wanna be worshiped but I hate it. I wanna talk to all of them but I hate doing it. I hate all of them but I want them.

0 notes

bloodiedchest · 2 years

Text

does the guy you have a crush on keep explicitly ignoring you?

replace his dumb ass with a better guy!!

for real tho, he will rue the day he fucking ignored me

i live on spite and spite alone

he will IGNORE me everywhere, and no it isn't perceived bpd usual stuff like!! ugh how dare you treat me like this!!!

i have my partners, i am fine, it just hurts being treated like this

so fuck him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can't wait to plaster pics of me with all my partners, suck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

guess who's hot and gets a bunch of chiseled adonises, c'est moi!! haha!!!! i'd say i shouldn't objectify them but two of my subs get off on that so..... lmao

Idk. It just pisses me off so badly like.... how dare you treat me like that! I can't believe I wasted my time and energy on him when I could've been enjoying my babies much earlier. I hope I don't come off as weird to my partners.... I just don't want them to leave.

Idk how to talk to people about my personal life lol... I know I need to stay protected but I am... hrrrmrmmmm

#venting

0 notes

let-it-raines · 4 years

Text

another kind of green (7/10)

Emma Swan spends her days in pretty white dresses and heavy layers of makeup. Day after day and dress after dress, she poses for pictures and acts like she’s in love and having the happiest day of her life with the man standing next to her.

It’s not. This is all a gig, and at the end of the day, she’s no longer the girl in the pretty dress who’s faking getting married for a magazine cover or a wedding convention. Instead, she’s the girl who probably never wants to get married.

Little does she know, she already is.

Rating: mature

a/n: I apologize for the wait on this one. I’m obviously super spacey lately because I forgot I was supposed to be posting this story🙈

ao3: beginning | current

tumblr: 1 | 2| 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

-/-

Emma didn’t notice the leaves change.

Yesterday, she swears that she looked outside and all of the trees were full of deep green leaves and that the grass on the ground was an equally vibrant shade. Today, however, there are brown leaves on the ground and orange and yellow leaves hanging off of limbs, and the grass growing next to the sidewalk is browning the slightest bit. She blinked, and the days changed from early September to mid-October.

How in the world?

Where did all of the time go? Wasn’t she just doing a local commercial (her least favorite kind of job) for the autumn festival that’s happening downtown? How is time for that to already be happening? They shoot those weeks and months in advance.

“On your left,” Killian calls out, and Emma doesn’t flinch. She’s used to it.

“You’re late.”

“Traffic.”

“You walk here.”

“A hell of a lot of pedestrians, Swan.”

She rolls her eyes, but she doesn’t slow down her pace, letting her legs keep powering her through this run. She’s on mile two, so Killian really is late. They’ve been getting up and going running a little after six most mornings for the past month. It’s far earlier than Emma would ever normally do it, but she likes having a running partner surprisingly enough and Killian has to go to training at eight every morning. It’s either this or run by herself so that every step is pretty much agony.

Just like she didn’t notice the changing leaves, she never really noticed how Killian wormed his way right into her run.

(At least he buys her smoothies…most of the time.)

(He’s grown fond of his mango one as well, and sometimes she does foot the bill.)

Emma turns to the side to finally look at him. He’s dressed in a pair of joggers and a BPD training sweatshirt he has to wear to the Academy, and he must be leaving directly from here instead of heading back to his apartment to take a shower.

She ran into Graham while grocery shopping last week. He was with his girlfriend, so she didn’t talk for a long time because that’s awkward as hell and she wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, but she did learn that Killian told Graham that their marriage wasn’t something intentional. She’s not really sure when or where or why, and while something like that would normally piss her off, she’s relieved that the guilt of Graham finding out she got married like that is off her shoulders.

She’d forgotten about seeing him until she saw Killian’s sweatshirt. Graham had one just like that, and life seems to like bringing things back around for her. Maybe she should ask him about talking to Graham, or maybe she should just forget about it and move on.

Everyone else seems to have done so.

“You want to race?”

“Huh?” Emma asks, blinking away until Killian comes back into focus. She’d totally zoned out.

He raises his brows before reaching up to push his hair off his forehead. “Do you want to race me, love?”

“Please,” she scoffs, turning away from him to focus on what’s in front of her, “you couldn’t handle it.”

“Perhaps you’re the one who couldn’t handle it.”

Emma quickly turns to him again. His smirk is obnoxious, and she’s not about to pass that up.

“First one to the bench with marks from where that guy sat on wet paint wins, okay? Loser buys smoothies.”

“You’re on. When do you want to – bloody hell…”

She doesn’t hear the rest of his curse, and she does know that it’s a curse, because she’s already increased her speed and is sprinting as fast as she possibly can. It’s at least half a mile until that bench, maybe a little over, and Emma can run that far this fast without any issue. Her problem is that Killian, even though he was slower than her when he started, has started to catch up to her. His strides are already longer than hers, but with his speed catching up after so much training, she needs every advantage she can get.

Smoothies aren’t something to play around with.

He’d be so obnoxious if he won.

Killian’s on her heels for every step of the run. His muttered words and the panting of his breath hover just behind her, and she knows that if she were to suddenly stop running, he’d stumble over her. But she doesn’t stop. She lets her legs and her lungs burn and keeps going until she gets that adrenaline high that she’s been searching for. It’s been elusive lately, most of her runs dragging along at a snail’s pace, but this isn’t a long run anymore. It’s a sprint to the finish line.

Very literally.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

The bench is in her sight now, the poor markings left behind by someone who ruined their pants by sitting in wet paint last week, and she propels herself forward to get there before Killian when she feels a hand on her wrist, tugging her back, until she’s falling to the ground, her elbow hitting hard against the grass until she rolls over onto her back and feels the weight of Killian on top of her.

“What the fuck?” she grunts. All of the breath has been knocked out of her, and Killian’s entire body pressing down on her doesn’t help. “What was that for?”

“Sorry,” Killian grumbles, propping himself up on his elbows to lessen his body weight. His cheeks are flushed a slight pink, and his hair is falling over his forehead in sweaty sections. It makes him look younger than his usual penchant for styling his hair off his forehead. Maybe her brain just isn’t functioning correctly and he looks exactly the same. “Are you hurt?”

“I imagine my ass and my elbow are going to be bruised, but other than that, I’m fine.”

“You were about to be run over by a bike, love. Did you not hear me calling you or the incessant ringing of the bell?”

“Uhhh.”

“Exactly. I saved your life, and I think a little gratitude is in order. I do normally prefer to do more enjoyable things with a woman on her back, after all. Of course, you would know.”

His brows quickly wiggle across his forehead, and when his tongue runs over his bottom lip, heat curls between Emma’s legs that has absolutely nothing to do with how sweaty she is from running.

“Just like our marriage, I’m wiping that part from my memory.” “Ah, but you weren’t drunk for it. You actually remember it. Tell me, darling, what was your favorite part of that night? Was it when my mouth pressed into your neck in the hallway or was it when it pressed into another rater delicious – ”

“Okay,” Emma mutters, pushing her hands up against his chest until he rolls off of her and onto his back on the grass, “that’s enough of that. I haven’t eaten yet today, and you owe me a smoothie.”

Changing the subject. She has to change the subject.

“I don’t believe you won the race.”

“I was going to if you hadn’t tugged me down and nearly caused me to break a bone.”

“I was trying to pull you to the side. You’re the one who went down.”

“Semantics.” “I don’t mean to upset you, Swan, but I think we make quite the team. When it comes to running, of course. I save your life from a horrific bicycle accident, and you, well, I’m not sure what you do.”

Emma sucks in a deep breath before exhaling and twisting her head to the side. Killian’s already looking at her, lips pressed into a soft smile, and he reaches over toward her until his fingers are brushing against her skin as he tucks loose tendrils of her hair behind her ear

Did she just get a chill or was that her sweat drying?

Getting her sports bra off is practically going to be impossible. At least she can do it in privacy.

Sports bras are obviously both the best and the worst.

“I kick your ass in races.”

Killian laughs, finger brushing against her cheek again. Her body is basically a puddle now. “I’ll buy our smoothies, Swan, but you have to agree to let me take you out for your birthday next week.”

“How do you even know my birthday is next week?”

“It was on our annulment papers.”

“Oh.”

Killian twist over until he’s on his side and propping his chin up in his hand and tapping his temple. “I know you may not remember things, at least according to your manager, but I do have an excellent brain up here.”

“I’m ignoring you basically calling yourself a genius because I have to ask: when the hell did you talk to Mary Margaret?”

“Last week. Ariel was talking to her on the phone at a shoot, and they got to talking about how I’m reliable while you are not.” “I have only missed one appointment, but Mary Margaret holds onto that and brings it up every time I almost forget something. It was for an understandable reason, too.”

“And what was that?”

Emma blinks, and her mind catches up to what she just said. Shit.

“It was nothing.”

“Oh, no, it was definitely something. Inquiring minds want to know.”

“Yeah, well, inquiring minds don’t get to know.”

Emma quickly gets up from the ground, moving so quickly that she’s dizzy, but she doesn’t want to be lounging on the grass any longer. People are running by them, dirty shoes near her face, and she doesn’t even want to think about how many animals have relieved themselves where she was just resting her face.

She doesn’t want to think about anything other than getting some calories in her, taking a shower, and meeting Ruby at Flock so they can shoot next month’s catalog of clothes for the website.

“Swan,” Killian calls out, but she keeps on walking. “Swan! Love! Emma!”

“Not in the mood, Jones.”

“You were two minutes ago, and I cannot figure out what I possibly could have done to piss you off in that time.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“I obviously did something.”

“Can’t you for once just do what I say and leave me alone?”

“Perhaps if you had actually told me to bloody leave you alone.”

Emma quickly turns on her heels to look at him. She nearly smacks herself into his chest, but she doesn’t need another collision with him, not today.

“Killian,” she says slowly, “leave me alone.”

His gaze doesn’t move away from hers, deep blue staring at her and making her want to back away, but she doesn’t. In the back of her mind, she knows he’s done nothing wrong, that he isn’t the one who’s actually pissed her off, but he’s here. What better excuse is there than that?

“If that’s what you want,” he begins, leaning down and giving her a mocking bow with a flourish of his hand, “then that’s what I’ll do.”

-/-

“This is the smallest piece of fabric I’ve ever seen.”

“I’ve seen your underwear drawer, Ems. I know that’s not true.”

Emma rolls her eyes at Ruby and tugs on the top, adjusting it until it covers her boobs. How this boutique expects any normal person to be able to wear this piece of fabric is beyond her.

“It’s ridiculous,” Emma continues, still trying to tug it down, “and this is supposedly a winter sweater. Has anyone here ever actually experienced a winter in Boston? This isn’t going to cut it.”

“Who peed in your Cheerios this morning?”

“That’s a disgusting phrase.”

“It’s obviously very apt today, though.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re a liar.”

“No, I’m just cold.”

Emma turns on her heels and walks back out in front of the camera and the white wall as the photographer and the owner of the boutique wait for she and Ruby to be ready. Emma does the standard poses, flipping her hair and fake laughing, and then she trades off with Ruby until they’ve both gone through the entire catalog of clothes that were on the racks in the side of the warehouse.

This is the weirdest job, and she’s honestly not sure that she enjoys it much anymore. That seems like a problem for a day where she’s not already pissed off at the world.

“I will buy you lunch if you tell me what’s wrong with you.”

“Nope,” Emma sighs, tugging on her coat and fluffing her hair out as they get ready to leave the warehouse. “You cannot bribe me.”

“Okay, but what if we go back to my place, and I make Granny’s onion ring recipe?”

Emma stops and turns to Ruby, her eyes narrowing at Ruby’s wolfish grin. “You’re evil.”

“But you love me.” “That’s debatable.”

“Nah,” Ruby sighs, wrapping her arm around Emma’s shoulder, “it’s really not.”

They walk the fifteen minutes to Ruby and Mulan’s apartment, the chill of the air nipping at Emma’s nose, but once they’re inside and the heat is on and there’s that wonderful smell of onion rings and grilled cheese being cooked, Emma’s no longer freezing. She’s warm and calm and maybe she doesn’t have to be as pissy as she has been today.

“So, Mulan says you haven’t come to class in a few weeks.”

Ruby says it casually, doesn’t even bother to turn around, but Emma knows that this is the beginning of her fishing into what Emma has been doing. The woman isn’t sly at all.

“I’ve been doing other things.”

“Other things or…men?”

“Running. I’ve been running, Rubes.”

“Mhm, and you wouldn’t happen to be running every day with a very handsome man that makes me thankful that I am interested in both men and women while poor souls like you only get men?”

Emma huffs into her glass of water. “How could you possibly know about that?”

“Because I, too, avoid my girlfriend’s Pilates studio and like to go running that path sometimes.”

Well, shit. She didn’t think anyone really knew she was doing that.

“We both run. We happen to run into each other. It’s a thing.”

Ruby turns around and arches a brow, cocking her head to the side. “What’d he do to piss you off today? Might as well just skip to that question.”

“He didn’t piss me off.”

“You don’t get onion rings if you don’t tell the truth.” “Screw you.”

“That was the deal.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not very good at keeping deals.”

Ruby sighs and plates another few onion rings before turning the stove off so that the cackling of the grease quiets down. “You’re going on runs with the man that you married.” Emma opens her mouth, but Ruby holds her finger up. “Yeah, I know about that. You know Marg can’t keep things to herself. I also know that if you want to shake him off, you wouldn’t be spending so much voluntary time with him. So did he actually do something to piss you off that I need to kick his ass for, or is this just Emma being Emma?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what that means.”

Emma ignores her and reaches up to take an onion ring only for Ruby to hold the plate away from her. “Are you serious?”

“Absolutely.”

Sighing, Emma crosses her arms over her chest and leans back on the barstool. She was pretty sure Ruby was joking about Emma having to talk about her mood, but apparently, she wasn’t.

“Nothing is wrong with me.”

“Yeah, and I’m a rocket scientist.”

“You could be.”

“Emma, do you like your husband? Is that what’s freaking you out?”

“He is not my husband.”

“You’re evading the question.”

“No,” she mumbles, “I’m not, and no, I don’t like Killian. I guess I just slept on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Can I have my onion rings now? The full plate?”

Ruby’s brow stays arched until it falls so it can furrow with her other one. “Do you really not want to talk about it?”

“There’s really nothing to talk about.”

-/-

Emma’s a liar.

She’s a lying liar who lies, but she’s not about to admit that to anyone other than her glass of wine and the can of icing that she’s eating. However many calories she burned today don’t matter because she’s consumed all of them since this afternoon.

It’s totally been worth it.

Mostly.

She can’t binge watch Poldark and not drink wine and eat icing, right? That would just be stupid.

Her phone buzzes on the couch cushion next to her.

Killian Jones: I owe you a smoothie. Is there a chance I can buy you one tomorrow?

Shit. Of course he’s texting her.

And of course he’s being nice.

The man knows exactly how to be an ass. Can’t he be one of those right now?

Can’t she not want to text him back?

Emma Swan: I feel like I should be the one buying you one since I was so bitchy today.

Killian Jones: I wouldn’t say that.

Killian Jones: Because I think you’d murder me if I did.

Killian Jones: And also because it’s not true.

Emma snorts into her wine, taking another sip, and then leaning forward to put the glass on her coffee table.

Emma Swan: It was true. You can say it.

Killian Jones: I’d rather you not kick my ass. You could do it anyways, but training already beat me down today. I’m in a weakened state.

Emma Swan: That bad, huh?

Killian Jones: It was like I ran for six hours without stopping while also having to climb over obstacles and have men my own age yelling at me while twenty-one years old just ran by with no hesitations.

She laughs again before stretching back onto the couch. She should crawl back into bed and get herself comfortable, let herself fall asleep, but this is pretty comfortable too.

Killian Jones: But I love it.

Emma Swan: Yeah?

Killian Jones: It’s awful, but I also feel like I have a purpose, you know? I’ve wanted this for so long.

Emma’s heartrate picks up, and she closes her eyes and drops her phone to her chest. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t have some kind of great want that’s driven her life. She’s always been a foster kid, someone who isn’t sure what’s coming around the corner, and even when she aged out of the system, she still didn’t know. There was Neal and jail and…he ruined her life. Neal ruined her fucking life. He took away her choice for her life, and even though she’s doing okay now, she could be doing better. It’s not something she wants to think about because a decade has gone by since then, since he abandoned her like most everyone else has, but rarely a day goes by where he doesn’t come up in some way.

But really, it hasn’t been a decade. It’s been three years since he showed up at her apartment door, finding her somehow, and acted like not a day had gone by, like he hadn’t done this awful thing to her and like she must still love him.

She didn’t then.

She doesn’t now.

Neal will always be her first love and the person who loved her first, and what a shame that is.

That’s why she missed her shoot that day. Mary Margaret had been pissed, had gotten angry with Emma for maybe the first time ever, but then she’d sobbed into Mary Margaret’s shoulder as everything in her life felt like it was falling apart.

Again.

And here she is letting Neal worm his way into her thoughts again, into her life. He’s not around anymore. She doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life, and he really doesn’t deserve to occupy so much space. She’s been doing it for years, wearing these pretty white dresses at least once a week and pretending to be someone who could even think about getting married when it’s never been what she wanted, not after him.

Not even with Graham.

Maybe one day she’ll figure out how to move on completely and how to leave Neal in the past where he belongs.

She’s got to get out of this headspace before she drinks herself into an oblivion, so she opens her eyes and looks back at her phone. No one can see her face or hear her thoughts, and even if she is absolutely terrified of Killian Jones, he’s the only thing that’s making her feel remotely safe right now.

Emma Swan: I’m happy for you!

Killian Jones: Thank you, love.

Killian Jones: Did I tell you about the guy who is now wearing an eye patch because of an unfortunate fall on the rope climb?

Emma Swan: This sounds like the beginning of a really bad high school soap opera.

Killian Jones: Oh, but it’s even better than that.

Killian tells her the story, as well as several others from his first few weeks at the Academy, and Emma distracts herself with it, finding that it’s easy to get lost in Killian’s stories. Even texting, he has a way with words that has her easily being swept up into the conversation so that her lips tug at the corners and there’s a smile permanently press into her skin. He’s funny and charming and he deals with her shit even when he shouldn’t. He should run away and never look back.

The thought causes her breath to hitch and her chest to pang and…

Maybe Ruby was right. Maybe she does have a thing for Killian.

Oh shit.

-/-

Tag list: @xemmaloveskillianx @therealstartraveller776 @stahlop @shardminds @carpedzem @captainsjedi @galaxyzxstark @thejollyroger-writer @kmomof4 @tiganasummertree @xellewoods @idristardis @karenfrommisthaven @shireness-says @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @a-faekindagirl @ultimiflos @jamif @dreameronarooftop15 @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @teamhook @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @superchocovian @ultraluckycatnd @cs-forlife @andiirivera @qualitycoffeethings @jonirobinson64 @mariakov81 @spartanguard @snowbellewells @onepunintendid @bluewildcatfanatic

#another kind of green #cs fic #cs ff #cs fanfic #captain swan fic #captain swan ff #captain swan fanfic #captain swan

97 notes · View notes

evondles · 3 years

Text

Everyone knows how much ı love Infinite and none knows ı have a Boom au, so today ı am gonna commit ınfo about my boom version of Infinite -Infinite can use his tail to grab tiny stuff, but when ıt comes to the huge objects he can't carry those :( (Also he can jump with his tail, ıf he forces himself.) -He has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), sometimes he acts too childish, crazy, clumsy, and sometimes he acts too cold, cruel, ruthless & cantankerous. -He sometimes succeeds to act ruthless and childish at the same time -He likes chocolate milkshakes! :D -Shadow considers him as a freak, he even called him that he was probably a mistake -Even though how much he ıgnores Orbot & Cubot, he thinks those two were more well built than Metal Sonic -In the first place, everyone thought Infinite was something Eggman imagined, and there was Eggman trying to prove he was real (Which he did prove) -He has long ass boots that have some kind of heels ın the front -Unlike the original version of infinite, he doesn't hate friendship. (He considers them fine unless ıf ıt's not a toxic one) -He invented two robots! (One being a chameleon, and the other being a huge spider that ıs very poorly colored) -His coloring skills suck -He keeps on forgetting about the fact he has the phantom ruby

How he met with the group;

There was a time that Infinite and Eggman started to talk regularly again, and ın a miss understanding our heroes thought he was answering to nothing. And every time they busted ınto his base they saw him 'talking to himself, and this kept on happen regularly so Amy kept on suggesting maybe he should see a therapist. And then there was Amy and Eggman talking, Eggman talked about Infinite, and more he talked about him, Amy thought he was his imaginary friend, because he talked about how cruel he was all the time, and that was like Eggman now. And one day Eggman snapped out and asked Infinite to come over, with the excuse of taking a look at his spider robot. When Infinite came to the island Eggman told him to go to the Meh Burger and he will come with a 'friend'. And there was milkshake ın Meh Burger, all sorts off! Infinite went on to the line and there was Sonic, the man himself. They both talked while waiting in the line (The man in front of them was taking too long >:(((), and then Eggman burst ın Meh Burger with Amy and then he pointed at Infinite and looked at Amy then said " That's Infinite ", and both Amy and Sonic got surprised because they didn't expect a guy like that. (And meeting him like that) Time passed, Infinite sometimes pulled dangerous tricks on our heroes and sometimes worked with Infinite when he was ın the island. Oh and he kinda bullied Knuckles for skipping the leg day, like a lot, and ı am so sorry for giving y'all a light-hearted meeting but hey not every villain needs a edgy meeting with heroes

2 notes · View notes

mentalwordvomit · 4 years

Text

Sorry this is incredibly long. Just a rant I need to get out:

Sometimes I think about my seemingly perfect Christian parents. Together for 30+ years, dad a ceo, mom a biochemist who just “decided” to become a stay at home mom and homeschool her bright children. Big fish in the little pond of their small town community. Hosting events for other CEOs, being part of their church, nonprofit board of directors, volunteering on the weekend, etc. And I am just enraged.

A whole county, knows me by my dad’s name. Lmfao. And for 20 years (the last time my dad brought it up was a year ago) it’s been my duty to make him look good. To be seen and not heard AND he specifically told me to lie about the things he did to me and my siblings and mom.

I am so fucking tempted to just fucking tell the community. It’s a small town, I could leak this information to their local newspaper and it would be the story of the decade for that stupid ass town.

Bro you TURNED ME INTO A NONFUNCTIONING SEX/DRUG/ALCOHOL ADDICT. Lmfao FUCK YOU!!!!! You ruined my life before it even started.

And the WORST PART is that you actually are different now. You don’t yell at my sisters so they think I’m a liar when I tell them what you did to me. You call me and you’re nice to me now. If I bring up the shit you’ve done you cry and apologize and FUCK I just want you to get angry and hurt me so badly I can have a final reason to distance myself from you and ruin your life. But I can’t. You’re just a fucking five year old you happens to be fifty. Your mom (my grandma) was a piece of shit who took out her trauma and narcissism on you cause you were a mistake and you never got the chance to be a well rounded person. Fuck and I pity you. I genuinely feel bad for you. And still you fucking ruined my chances of being a functioning human. I came to the realization yesterday that I might never be fulling self sufficient. My boyfriend had to undress and shower me the other day cause I just stopped working. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!! THATS NOT FAIR!!!!!!

You turned my mom from the victim to another abusive force in my life.

You turned my brother from a sweet sweet kid, who would stay up with me at night and cry if his little sisters got hurt into a fucking raging narcissist who only calls me to fight with me. He thinks I’m faking abuse for attention!!!! HE’s REPRESSED HIS MEMORIES SO MUCH HE DOESNT REMEMBER YOU ABUSING HIM. And instead he fucking hates me for mAkiNG iT aLL uP.

You lied to my thirteen year old sister to make me look bad. You told her I was so bad with money that I spent $10,000 in a month. I’ve never even SEEN $10,000 let alone spent it in month. I’ve told her countless times that’s not true but she just calls me a “known liar”. Not to mention our brother has tornmented her so much she now thinks she’s a bad person because she can’t hear God talking to her. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!

Thankfully my sixteen year old sister has come out of this mostly unscathed. I don’t know how. She disassociates a lot, and spends a lot of time online but she appears genuinely ok and happy and she’s told me so herself. Thank god THANK GOD she’s managed to stay safe.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU BOTH. You did the bare minimum as parents. We always had food, and beds. You helped pay for my college (thank you for that guilt money). But come on. You guys sucked ass at parenting and you still have two kids under the age of eighteen. Do I not warn you that you could accidentally turn those two into substance abusers and constantly turning from abusive relationship to abusive relationship? ESPECIALLY IF THEY DONT KNOW ANY BETTER. They’ve seen daddy scream at mommy. They’ve seen their parents storm out and leave for hours at a time. They’ve seen mom cry because she didn’t think dinner would be hot enough for dad when he got home and he might yell at her. They’ll think that’s normal and that’s who theyll end up with. Fuck you.

And worse yet you look DOWN on me. You told me you didn’t “believe in labels” when I told you I had BPD. But as soon as I showed up at home manic you freaked out and threatened to hold me captive until you could “figure out what to do with” me. Fuck off. FUCK OFF!!!! You’re not concerned when I tell you about my demon psychosis, you think “ew” or you tell me to my face “EVERYONE GETS CONFUSED SOMETIMES ITS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL” fuck you!!!! I have legitimate problems deciphering reality because you gaslit me for 21 years. Fuck you.

Why did you give this to me? I don’t want it!!!!! Take it back. Please.

#bpd #actually bpd #vent #borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #bpd problems #borderline thoughts #bpd meme #tw #borderline

5 notes · View notes

blakelywintersfield · 4 years

Note

Help! Part one: Backstory- when I was a kid I saw love triangles & thought well why can't they just all date bc i was a kid & didn't understand polyamoury so my parents told me that polyamoury is no longer acceptable in today's society. So I grew up in a monogamous society & believed that polyamoury was non existent. Then I thought it was wrong, or at least unhealthy. Then I believed that triangle romances were ok but not Vs or open relationships but I still disliked polyam as an idea

I disliked polyamoury as an idea & didnt support that lifestyle but if any1 hated on my polyams I would defend em. Now Im ~accepting/supportive of polyam bc if they communicate (like any relationship) then itll turn out fine (if all parties are poly, that is.) example- i had a friend whos strictly mono but he dated a poly guy who was abusive& treated my friend like a sidechick. When they broke up my friend put his mono ass into another poly romance &bc of his trauma & bpd he was toxic & trying to make his bf mono & felt like he was the sidechick again despite his bf treating both of His bfs equally. & he also had a bad experience with polyamoury so he knew how my friend felt. (Communication is important) Present day- so here comes my issue. I think I might be poly. But I suck at communication & I seem to have internalized issues & polyphobia & I'm not sure whether I "believe" in it or not. Idk what to do & I don't think my parents would approve esp since I don't even approve. What if it's just romanticized or fetishized & I'm not actually poly? I don't want to be poly. I wish society didn't frown upon it bc thst might help. So here I am, a 17yo on Tumblr, asking an older queer for help.

Hi hun! Hopefully, I’m not getting back to you too late on this; sorry it took me a minute to respond!

Firstly, I want you to know that no matter what you turn out to be -- monogamous or polyamorous -- that the way you love isn't unhealthy. Neither type of relationship structure is better than the other; it purely depends on how you feel during it. I know it may be hard to accept something that you were raised to see as immoral or wrong; believe it or not, I was raised extremely homophobic and transphobic, and accepting I was queer and trans was a big shift for me. Hell, I just came to terms with being grey-aromatic -- and that one was hard as hell, because well. I do like romantic relationships. I love that closeness, that bond. Accepting that it was rare as hell for me to feel that towards anyone else was really tough, but it was also liberating. I realized, wow, I wasn't broken because I couldn't romantically connect with others that had mutual interest in me; it's just my romantic orientation. The same may go for you -- if you end up being polyamorous, accepting it can really free you of guilt you may have felt in the past for having a crush on two people and wanting to date them both, because there's nothing wrong with wanting that.

I'm personally monogamous. I know I am because of a few reasons -- I'm worn out very easily by social situations, and even friendships are hard for me to manage just because my social battery is really low. I don't think I have the social stamina to keep up with multiple partners, and I would hate to neglect one or more of my partners, or make them feel unwanted / unloved. I'm a solitary person by nature. And that's okay! I also do have issues feeling insecure, and while I am working on that, I don't think it would personally be healthy for me if I had a partner who was polyamorous, because I'd worry they would get bored of me / leave me for the other. Which is unrealistic -- in a healthy polyamorous relationship, this wouldn't be an issue, but I know my anxiety and relationship insecurity is bad enough that it would put a polyamorous partner through too much stress. Being on the aromantic spectrum too, I just don't know how likely it'd be for me to find a partner, let alone multiple, so that's a personal factor for me, but besides that, my reason for being monogamous are based on how I know myself to be in romantic partnerships.

One of my best friends is polyamorous. One of her biggest reasons is because she feels the need for a support system that goes past friendship -- partners that could live with her, help her raise a family, make sure she stays safe (she has some physical and emotional/mental issues). It makes her feel more secure to know she has multiple people looking out for her, and makes her feel like she's not putting too much stress on one person. The distribution of responsibility makes her feel much more comfortable than having one person take it all on. In a sense, the reason I'm monogamous is the same reason she's polyamorous -- a feeling of security.

Regardless of what kind of relationship you have, it should make you feel secure. Obviously we all have our moments -- as someone with BPD, I have times where I'm insecure just about my friendships, and even my relationship with my parents. Sometimes we all feel insecure, but if it's a constant feeling and it can't be taken care of with reassurance, then you may want to reconsider the relationship -- be it monogamous or polyamorous. Think about your expectations from a relationship; what would you want the outcome to be? If you had multiple partners, what would that look like long-term for you? This should be based purely off what you want / need -- not based off what others may think of you or what negative ideas others might get, because at the end of the day, those who don't support a healthy path to happiness don't have opinions you should judge off of.

There's also different types of polyamorous relationships, and from what I know, most polyamorous people tend to have a relationship set they prefer -- for example, you mentioned open relationships. That's a type of polyamory where, usually, a couple may have another partner / multiple partners, and their position could be anything from a partner to a friend with benefits; the couple usually sets the boundaries on what they expect (i.e. "you can sleep with other people, but I want us to stay the main couple") and then they explain those boundaries to anyone they may wish to engage with. It may seem strange that a couple committed to each other would sleep with other people, but there's a variety of reasons, ranging from kinks to sexual needs to libido (i.e. a couple with a sex-replused asexual who is comfortable with their partner having responsible / safe sex with other people to satisfy their sexual needs). Some people who have needs like my best friend may benefit from Vs; where one person has two partners, but those partners don't date each other. That doesn't mean they're not aware of each other -- that's NOT polyamory, that's cheating. As you said, polyamory takes communication, and without that, it's not healthy polyamory. There's also Triads (three people all dating each other), Fluid Chains (these tend to end up being two people already in polyamorous couples that start dating each other), and much more! I'd say the judgement of you needs and expectations in a relationship should help you decide what type of relationship you'd want.

As you brought up, there's always a risk of getting into a polyamorous relationship that ends up toxic, but that risk is just as likely as ending up in a toxic monogamous relationship -- neither relationship type is "more prone" to toxicity. I'm very sorry your friend dealt with it firsthand, especially because the first experience being a toxic one can make it very hard to get past that trauma. Getting out of any kind of toxic relatinship can leave you with some trust issues and things to work out; it's just as toxic to force a polyamorous person to be monogamous as it is for a monogamous person to be polyamorous. If you're not comfortable with a certain relationship style, you shouldn't force yourself to comform to someone else's, and vice versa.

I know in the recent years, with polyamory starting to become more talked about, understood, and accepted, that it may seem like it really is the perfect way to date. And for some, it is! For others, not so much. I really recommend making a list of your expectations out of a relationship (as I said before), because that may help you clear up whether or not it's just been romanticized to you, or if you may actually be polyamorous yourself. If possible, maybe try finding some local polyamory support groups / meetups, and seeing if you can find other people who are also questioning whether they're mono or poly -- sometimes what helps is talking to others who have questions, because they may also have answers. It may also end up benefitting you because if you end up dating someone else who isn't sure but is open to trying, you can both safely explore that type of relationship without risking the other not being open to polyamory. Since you are 17, I would highly suggest finding groups geared towards those under 21, because regardless of relationship orientation, an older person persuing you is not okay. Anyone involved in your relationship should be around your age, even if you're not directly dating them.

Sorry if this was a little mixed around, if you need to ask for clarifications on anything, or have any other questions, please feel free to ask! Good luck hun! <3

#long post #anon

2 notes · View notes

alexis-venkman · 5 years

Text

OOC:

Hey! Okay, I've come to a conclusion about why I don't have a muse. Anyone who has been RPing with me or talking to me since the beginning of this year, or since March, knows that I lost my job and got dropped from my college. Why?

Well, I got fired because of my BPD (that's not even a joke, nor is it me using that as an excuse. I literally got fired from the place I worked at for 5 years because I was "crazy". Boss gave me a babysitter and all), then because of the stress from work (which is a loooooong fucking story) and that tearing me down, it affected my grades. My GPA dropped from a 3.4 to a 2.1 within a semester and it kept getting lower, no matter how hard I tried.

I got fired in January and placed on academic dismissal in March. I've been doing nothing since then because I wanted go give myself a month or two to work on my mental health. However, not a lot of places are hiring for part-time, as I know I can't handle a full-time job right now. So, I haven't been able to do anything, but stay home almost every single day since my vacation in June(?)

What does this have to do with me not having a muse? And why am I sharing this? Well, because I'm bored. NOT OF YOU GUYS, but with everything. Sitting at home all the time has made me depressed to the point of me no longer finding joy in literally anything. RPing, reading, watching Netflix; Hulu; Amazon Prime Video, listening to podcasts. Nothing.

It's not a "I feel sad" depression, it's the "I'm bored, but I don't want to do anything. Because I don't have the energy or enjoyment anymore" kind of depression. Again, I do enjoy talking to the people I rp with ooc, but RPing itself is what's hard for me. I have enough muse for one or two threads, and even then I'm only able to write one or two replies to those threads.

I felt it was easier to explain why I was bored. So, I shared what happened to me with you all. I didn't have to and I'm not fishing for sympathy or anything like that. Anyone with BPD, Anxiety Disorder, or ADHD (even ADD) knows that you feel like you have to explain things in detail in order for someone to understand even the smallest of points you're trying to make. It fucking sucks, but I don't mind talking about my mental disorders. I digress lol

So, that's why I don't have a muse. Because of my depression making me tired and bored, but not enthusiastic about anything. I'M NOT GONNA BE TAKING A HIATUS, DON'T WORRY. I was simply just sharing my "ah-ha!" moment with you all because I'm fucking proud I was able to figure this shit out.

I'm going to continue doing what I've been doing; popping in and out, talking to you guys ooc, replying to one or two threads here and there, or not at all some days. This isn't something any of you need to take personally, it's my issue and I'm gonna be talking to my therapist about it (and I will hopefully have a job 1 day a week as well :D). If anyone has a problem with this, please let me know. I'd rather you just tell me then to up and drop a thread and/or unfollow me. I won't be mad, a little upset since I love you all, but I'll respect your decision.

I promise you guys that, as soon as I'm better or have a better day here and there, I will continue our threads. I have every single one in my drafts so they wouldn't get lost. Thank you for reading this :) and, most of all, thank you for being such kick-ass people who are SO understanding and supportive. I'm legit so lucky for you all.

Love,

Mun 💜💜💜

#ooc #mun speaks #rp psa #ooc psa #psa #text #personal #personal psa

6 notes · View notes

crazy-hand-official · 5 years

Text

on hole

ok so this posts been a long time a comin’ but i finally feel like im drunk enough to talk about (and never shut the fuck up about) one of my favorite bands... Hole

hole’s music has meant a lot to me since i picked up Live Through This at some boring ass used cd store that also happened to sell erotic fantasy novels about good fathers. but anyway. holes music is for women with bad fathers. women who are kind of fucked up and angry about it, too. women who have trauma and scars and are kinda gross. women who were wronged but somehow by the grace of god empowered in the face of their horrible experiences.

or at least it feels like that, dont it?

that was the main appeal of hole to me, anyway. i fell in love with this album around the second or third listen through. i was like, damn, shes pissed. it was so refreshing to hear a woman just screaming out her frustrations. how cathartic must it have been to be able to not only get it out, but also be taken somewhat seriously? of course hole never got the recognition they deserved. im of the unpopular opinion that they were waayyyy better than nirvana. without sounding kinda sappy... you know what fuck it im not apologizing to any of u. hole totally made me embrace womanhood. it influenced my own, much beloved way to just exist.

but also i guess i just really love tunes.

ps im not here for the courtney killed kurt debate lmfao!!

ok so heres the part where i write my onions about their four studio albums

Pretty On the Inside

their first album and admittedly, my least favorite (that doesnt say much because i still really enjoy it). its sound is much more abrasive. love employs her most guttural screams in this one, but ill get to that. to its credit, its the most experimental but many interpret it as amateur guitar screeches and song bits just hashed together. and maybe theyre right! but what band doesnt have that not-quite-there-yet first album? its an unrefined, beautiful mess. A song title or two is spelled wrong. Garbadge man is one that comes to mind. and for some reason, its just... fitting. its an artistic mistake left in and its so dumb but thats the fun in it! thats the punk in it! they dont give a fuck so why should you? this album is a messy bitch.

track im gonna nut about: mrs. jones

this song is apparently about a back alley abortion, and its just as brutal. love is screaming, just guttural sounds and expletives and nauseating lyrics. when i first heard it, i was absolutely entranced in the atrocity of it all. shes sweating, panting. i will follow you down the sick drain

other favorite tracks: teenage whore, good sister bad sister, pretty on the inside

Live Through This

their most popular album also happens to be my favorite! the start of it all...

i havent shut up about this album since day one because i just like it so much! she refines her skills and just comes out with a successful album that ties an array of horrible themes and wraps them up in a pretty pink bow. its soft aesthetic covers the dark, sickening themes that make the album. rape, anorexia, self harm, self hatred, violence, abuse... the list goes on. someone i one knew asked me why women with bipolar disorder and bpd love hole so much and i had to bite my tongue but to be brutally honest we probably like it because love had the nuts to scream about taboo themes that are so hurtfully common in our lives. just like how the depressed rally behind the smiths. oh that and the musics awesome. but anyway, the cover is a beauty queen the moment shes crowned. its supposed to represent someone who has fought, clawed, and fucked her way to the top. but look! shes the queen! shes the beauty queen! everyone will finally love her and treat her with respect! and all she had to do was sell her soul. all she had to do was get abused over and over to the point of breakdown. but she made it, didnt she? i mean, look how pretty the crown is!

favorite track im not gonna shut up about: i think i would die

im gonna be super lazy and just copy and paste what i wrote up one time when i talked about this song before:

wait nevermind i cant search for my post through my tag because tumblr is broken. something about breastmilk? ill update once i find it lmao.

other favorite tracks: violet, softer softest, miss world

Celebrity Skin

i dont have as many onions on this one. supposedly, love didnt want this album to become ‘the widow album’, but theres a song or two about kurt’s death snuck in there. this albums loud, but not nearly as angry as the first two. in fact, when shes not singing catchy pop tunes about how jaded she is, shes being sincere and heartfelt. all in all, its a fantastic album and my second favorite that hole has to offer.

favorite track of the album: heaven tonight

ive heard two stories about what this songs supposedly about. on one hand, people say its about two lovers. the girl wants to lose her virginity to the guy, so she drives (recklessly) to his house and dies in an accident. she’ll never grow old, she’ll go to heaven tonight. on the other hand, i heard that love just wanted a fun song to sing to her daughter, frances bean. either way, it makes me want to dance. so idk if its about teenagers fucking or about a little girl who just needed a song, but its cool.

other favorite tracks: awful, celebrity skin, reasons to be beautiful

Nobody’s Daughter

years later, hole released their final album. when i first heard it, i was disappointed. the first track was great, but then.... i noticed her voice had deteriorated significantly due to her smoking and other vocal abuse. and i thought, damn, i really wish she released this when she was younger. she sounds normal when she screams, but i guess to compensate when singing softer parts, she does this kind of weird weird thing when enunciating that... ok i cant pinpoint or describe what exactly it is but it kinda sucks. ‘honey’ is the only hole song that i dont like very much, and its the best song to use as an example when trying to explain how her voice got all fucked. now, we cant all be bowie (whose singing voice only got better after years of smoking). but still.

anyways, i listened to the album again, and i mean really listened to it. and actually! the smoker voice is the beauty of it! its a woman who is past jaded and past giving fucks about anyone or anything. its songs from a woman of experience. and she still sounds badass! her voice is so rough, she sounds like she could still fuck anyone up. its exciting.

favorite track to get all sappy about: letter to god

i really found an appreciation for this song. this is a song about someone who cant be saved. and isnt that fucked up? youre so bad, so hated by all of those around you, but no one can hate you as much as yourself. and you try everything to pick yourself up but just nothing works. and everyone has their two cents in what they think will help you. but youve tried every med in the book and youve tried this and that and the other thing, and you come to the conclusion that you just cant be saved. youre drowning. so what do you do? you turn to god, a supernatural all-mighty being. but shit, i hope he can help you. because if he doesnt, fucking nothing ever will. so go write him that letter.

i never wanted to be the person you see

other favorite tracks: nobodys daughter, skinny little bitch

and thats what i have to say about that!

#hole #courtney love #long post #goddamn this took forever to write lol i just had a lot to say #and still have more but ill shut up... for now.#im not actually drunk but i wrote this post last night at like 1 am #well i was drunk but not christmas morning damn

22 notes · View notes

distant-rose · 6 years

Text

It Was Always You

Notes: I am a woman of my word and may the record reflect that. I promised @forestiyari a gift if she completed some productive tasks and that gift is this little one-shot here. I’ve taken some cues from the wonderful @katie-dub and started a policy of positive enforcement. Which is why she’ll get a ficlet too if she ever finishes her fic. It’s sappy but I know that Amy loves fuckstruck!Killian and cop AUs and this kinda has those elements. This is more bounty hunter!Emma and detective!Killian. I apologize for the Killian focus on this, Amy, but I love him as much as you love Emma. Forgive me. A special thank to @welllpthisishappening for always being my cheerleader. I am nothing without your support. Summary: Four words completely change Emma Swan’s frienship with her favorite police detective Killian Jones when she drops off one of her skips on Valentine’s Day. Rating: T Word Count: 2,300+

As a bounty hunter in a big city, Emma has her choice of police districts to drop scum off at, but she has a preference for District D-14. This preference was born of a variety of reasons but mainly because it was close to her apartment and the fact its employees could actually brew a decent pot of coffee. It had absolutely nothing to do with the detectives who worked there, despite popular belief.

“Brought us another winner, eh Swan?” Detective Killian Jones asked as she unceremoniously pushed her perp onto his desk. He didn’t blink at the action, merely leaning back in his chair and chewed on the end of his pen as he regarded her. The perp in question let out a groan and glared at her. She ignored him in favor of giving the detective a smirk.

“Thought you would enjoy a Valentine’s Day gift.”

He eyed the tight red dress she wore with a tiny smirk of his own. “And what a gift it is. You look quite ravishing in red.”

“I meant the perp, Casanova,” she retorted with a roll of her eyes. Her words were stern but lacked heat. Detective Jones loved to flirt, but he was relatively harmless. He always backed off when she asked.

“Not that I don’t appreciate the thought, but I prefer my gifts to be, well, less criminally inclined. What did this guy do?”

“Oh you know, my favorite - credit card fraud, insurance fraud and hasn’t paid child support in two years. He’s quite the catch.”

A muscle jumped in his jaw as she listed off the perp’s less than stellar rap sheet. She had known Jones and his partner Nolan for three years and he always got this look whenever she brought in deadbeat dads. He seemed to have an intense hatred for them that Emma could only assume came stemmed from something personal.

“Right,” he sighed before he stood and yanked the man up by his collar. “Let me get Lover Boy here processed then I’ll get you the necessary paperwork, so you can finally pay your rent.”

“Actually rent is paid for this month. This guy is paying off my water bill.”

“I’ll make haste then. I would hate to deprive a lady of her hot water. It will only take a few moments. Make yourself at home,” he replied, nodding his head towards his swivel chair.

“Don’t mind if I do. New chair? Looks comfy.” She sat down in the chair in question, leaning back and grinning up at him.

“Only the best Ikea has to offer.”

Her eyes lit up at that. “You bought this yourself?”

“You really think BPD would spend money on the care and comfort of its detectives?” He snorted. “Come on, Swan, you know how it is. We had to pool the money ourselves for that bloody coffee machine you’re so fond of.”

“I know. I pitched.”

“Did you now?” He seemed surprised by this. She couldn’t imagine why. She was here all the time.

She shrugged, allowing herself to melt into the soft leather of the chair.

“I use it more than anyone else here, so I felt it was best that I threw in a few dollars.”

“You do seem to exist purely on coffee and poptarts, love.”

“Not true. I also feed on the tears of scumbags. They have great nutritional value.”

Detective Jones laughed at this. “Mercenary.”

“Bail bonds, actually. Get it right, Jones.”

“Can you please stop with the flirting and get on with the processing? I would like to be out of these cuffs now,” the perp gritted out through clenched teeth.

They both blinked, suddenly remembering Emma’s purpose for being at the station in the first place.

“Right,” Detective Jones said gruffly, pushing the man forward. “I’ll be back in a bit.” 

“I’ll be here,” she responded, picking up the stress ball on his desk and playing with it absently. She made a valiant effort not to watch his ass as he walked away with her perp. Jones had a swagger in his step that screamed confidence and Emma would be a liar if she said she didn’t enjoy it.

As the minutes ticked by, she finally noticed that Detective Nolan wasn’t present. She frowned. It wasn’t like him to not be on shift, especially during the week. Normally he made the wait more bearable by talking to her as he did his paperwork. She liked him a lot. He was like the big brother she never asked for and was always willing to lend an ear whenever she needed to vent about something, including his partner.

Along with her increasing boredom, she was beginning to regret wearing the thin jacket she had chosen to go along with her honey trap outfit. It looked great on her but didn’t do much against the bitter cold of Bostonian winter weather, even when she was indoors. Perhaps Jones wasn’t being glib when he said that BPD didn’t care much for the care and comfort of its officers. It was practically frigid.

She leaned back more in the chair, glancing up towards the ceiling. The back of her head made contact with Jones’s leather jacket - the same jacket that he had been offering and she had been refusing to use for the past three years. What she had seen as a symbol of Jones’s attempts of chivalry was suddenly a temptation.

He wouldn’t mind. That was the first thing that popped in her head. In fact, she was pretty sure he would like it. Perhaps too much. She bit her lip, mulling over what was more important getting warm or her pride.

She glanced around the station. No one was paying attention to her. It clenched her decision. She would wear the jacket, if only for a few moments to stave off the cold, then she would put it back and Jones would be none the wiser.

The smell of tobacco, rum and aftershave wafted up to her nose as she pulled the leather over her shoulders. She was shocked at how it seemed to swallow her person, especially since Jones wasn’t that tall. Unable to resist, she pulled the collar of the jacket to her nose and took a quick sniff.

“That’s a good look on you, love.”

She froze. Blood warmed her cheeks and a sense of mortification took hold. Taking advantage of the sliver of courage she still had, she glanced up at him, expecting to a teasing smirk or a flirty joke.

Jones wasn’t smirking. Or even smiling for that matter. He was looking at her like he had never seen her before; eyes watching her intently and shoulders tensed. She didn’t know exactly how to handle it.

Immediately, she pulled at the sleeves. His eyes widened when he realized what she was doing, and he stepped forward, raising a hand.

“Don’t.”

She paused, looking back up at him.

“Don’t,” he repeated. “Leave it on. It looks like you need it more than I do. Please.”

“You sure? It’s fucking cold in here.”

He shrugged, dropping the processing documents in front of her and casually dropping back in Nolan’s chair. His eyes never lost their intensity, still focused on her. She was almost ashamed at the fact it made her squirm a bit in her seat.

“The cold doesn’t bother me,” he said after a moment. “I’m kinda used it.”

“Good for you, Elsa.”

He smiled at her response and the strange feeling in her chest lightened at the sight of it. Some of the odd tension that between them lifted alongside his lips, which she was grateful for.

“Where’s Nolan?” She asked, trying to further expel the weird energy between them.

“Ah. He’s out with the lovely Miss Mary Margaret. No doubt romancing her with a bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates and a very expensive meal at an overpriced restaurant.”

“Sucks that he took time off while you’re stuck here.”

“Actually, I wasn’t supposed to be on rotation. I volunteered to take this shift. My mate Will, or Detective Scarlet as you know him, was supposed to be working but I took it from him, so he could finally perform that half-baked proposal he’s been putting off for weeks.”

Emma’s jaw dropped.

“You seriously volunteered to work the Valentine’s Day shift? For real?”

“Of course,” he replied, giving her an odd look. “It’s not like I have someone to share it with.”

“I don’t believe that for a second. I mean, look at you. There has to be at least a dozen women who would want to lock you down,” she responded, gesturing towards him.

Jones tilted back in his seat, letting out the most boisterous laugh she had ever heard. When he glanced back at her, his amusement was still quite evident on his face.

“Did you just insinuate I’m attractive, Swan?”

“Oh please, cut the bullshit. You know you are.”

“You’re right. I’m quite devilishly handsome, aren’t I?” His eyes twinkled with mischief as he spoke.

“Don’t push it,” she snorted. “But seriously, there has to be someone you’re remotely interested in.”

He sobered at bit at her comment, the tension in his shoulders returning.

“Oh, I am.”

“And?”

“She’s turned me down. Multiple times.”

“She tell you why?”

“No, actually. I just assume she’s not interested, which is fine. She deserves much better than the likes of me,” he replied with a self-deprecating smile.

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth. She deserves the best.”

As he spoke, an odd emotion wormed itself into her chest and she was surprised with how uncomfortable she was about Jones being hung up on some unknown woman. It wasn’t like he was hers.

“Well, I think you’re pretty great. And maybe you should ask her again,” she responded with a tight smile.

“You think so?”

“Yeah. Maybe, she’ll realize that she made a mistake.”

Jones regarded her intently for a moment, picking up the rubber band ball on Nolan’s desk and started toying with it in his palm. It was a nervous habit of his that she had long since picked up.

“Do you like Italian?”

She couldn’t hold back her surprise at the change in subject. She didn’t know where he was going with this, but she decided to humor him. “Yeah. Who doesn’t?”

“There’s a really nice Italian place three blocks from here. A bit on the expensive side but worth it. Family owned. Would you like to go to dinner with me?”

Her jaw dropped at the question. She stared at him for a long moment, trying to find words but failing.

“I’m sorry? What?”

“You. Me. Good Italian. Tonight.”

“I’m so confused right now. We were just talking about how you’re hung up on some woman and how you should ask her out again and now you’re asking me out. I don’t understand.”

“Don’t you know, Swan?” he asking, eyes softening alongside his voice. “It was always you.”

All air seemed to rush out of her lungs as he spoke. The stress ball fell from her fingers with a faint thud but she barely acknowledged it. Not once in their entire conversation had she suspected the woman he was so hung on to be her. She always knew he found her attractive and enjoyed talking to her but never had she realized that his feelings had beyond simple flirtation and friendship.

It was true in the past that she had turned him down. He had frequently asked her to go for drinks with him after his shift, but he had always taken her rejection with an air of nonchalance, as if it had meant nothing.

Obviously that wasn’t the case if this declaration was as sincere as it seemed. Emma was a suspicious creature by nature, something her ex had left her with alongside her son. Immediately she began reviewing all of her interactions with Jones in her mind. Little things that she had always seen as signs of loyal friendship now seemed major. He had offered to look after Henry when she went to New York. He had encouraged her to get her degree in Criminal Justice when she had all but written off going back to school as too expensive. He had walked her through filing her restraining order against Neal. He had done all of this with asking for anything in return.

“I’ve gone and scared you, haven’t I?”

“I…” She couldn’t find the words. She couldn’t believe she had been so blind.

Jones was watching her intently, lips pulled into a tight frown. She had never seen him look so nervous. He placed the rubber band ball back down on Nolan’s desk.

“Right…” He looked away, tugging on his ear. “Look, Swan, I wasn’t proposing…I’m not even asking for you to return my feelings. I was just hoping to have dinner with someone I have come to care about. Look, just forget I said anything. I don’t want to make this awkward and ruin the dynamic that we’ve made. I value your friendship and I would do anything to keep it, I just” - “Yes.”

He blinked at her, obviously not comprehending what she had said. “What?”

“Yes,” she repeated. “I’ll go to dinner with you. At the excellently expensive family Italian place. And we can talk. As long as there’s cannolis. There’s cannolis, right?”

He stared at her again for a few moments. Slowly, a blinding smile spread across his lips and if her breath hadn’t been stolen by his words, it would have been taken by his smile.

“Yes, love, there’s cannolis.”

“Excellent.” She leaned back in his chair, regarding him with a small smirk. “I also have another condition.”

“Anything.”

“I get to keep the jacket.”

#captain swan #cs ff #cs fic #cs fanfic #my fic #my shit #it was always you

353 notes · View notes