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triheartedhero · 2 years

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I writing this where I know my nay sayers will never find me.

Over the past two years my life has completely uprooted and changed and when I thought it settled again it changed again.

Two years ago I thought I would die taking care of my mother, living in a hoarder's house. I would still be walking 16 miles one way five times a week between 7pm and 6am with a four hour shift somewhere between. No matter the weather. During the day I'm walking to and from the store either for food to cook either in an electric skillet or a large toaster oven. Maybe I've gone to get my mother's several medications, of which they rarely had refills in sync. Perhaps I've gone to the doctor's with my mother. No matter what, I haven't eaten or slept enough for any of it. My sanity is non-existent. I'm surviving, barely, wanting to die daily. In fact I cannot wait for that horrible house to finally give up and swallow me whole. Death would be better is all my mind tells me.

A year ago I thought I would never get off my brother's couch, and that I would forever be a free live in babysitter without a chance to ever "adult" again. I would constantly and forever have to sneak through a house at 4-6am after a shift of work. Unable to shower the baked on sweat off because "the shower will wake the babies". Sleeping on a couch with an old ass worn hole. Only to be awaken by the souls of screaming babies by 10am. For every reason in the book their mother would find errands to run from noon until 5pm. But "can you watch the babies?" Granted there were days I was allowed to go on errands as well. But at the end, I was always watching babies. Not allowed to nap until 6pm when I often jump on my bike at 7pm to make it to work on time. I am tired, constantly. I'm always on eggshells because of how I fear over staying my welcome. At any given moment I can finally piss off my sister in law enough that she kicks me out. She never did. But, when she was given a chance to get me out, it happened in three days time.

Six months ago, I thought I would forever be the eldest of six children. Wherein I was rarely treated as an adult. And once more, forever the free live in babysitter. Here adults saw me as one of the children, but the children saw me as the most reliable adult. Often times, they come to me over their parents for questions that only parents could answer. During all this I am still working, sometime between my brothers house, and this one, I have gotten a car things a little easier. Until they aren't. My car breaks down, and I have to rely on the good will of my "not actually my father" and my "not actual stepmother" to have a vehicle. This works for a while. Though now I MUST wake at 8am every day, when I got in at 4am, to watch a 4yo. Sleep.... It's still rare. I look forward to weekends and winter/spring/summer breaks, they mean I can sleep. It doesn't stop the children from coming to me every hour. But at least here I have my own room. And a bed. At least at least at least. I'm treated like a child, until it's convenient I'm not. Rarely am I thought of for family outings (Even though I can pay for myself). I'm family, but I'm not.

Never have I ever truly felt like.... Family. I'm the pity case. The poor case. I'm easy to get a "yes" from, because I'm always afraid if I say "no" I will loose my place to sleep. Sometimes I feel "love" and I have taught myself to that "these people will not hurt you to love you", but that is only when I'm remembered as family.

My true family, is my chosen family. They are shattered and far. Chances are I will share with them this link and they will know who my chosen family is. My chosen family have been the quiet voices supporting me through my past. Sometimes, a lot of times, I know I was hard to love. But love me they still did. Holding my hand in the dark.

They are the ones who have told me "you can do this". They are the ones who said "live your life"

Now I have the chance, one I am taking with both hands. To start new. To live. To be my truest self. It scary. I am moving across the country to a place I have never been before. I am leaving behind everything I've known. The oh so many bad things, and the few good ones too. I have a love, that I am not scared of. Not for one moment. Things I once said "never" to, are things that seem.... Wonderful with her. And that uncertain tomorrow.... There IS a tomorrow and I look forward to it. Even the tomorrow of years to come.

My family would give me every reason to say no. I say "there is no other time for this, there is NOTHING in this world I have wanted more". I have lived, my whole 33 years of life.... For others. To serve others. To do for others. Just enough so that I could scrape by a survival.... Not even living just survival. But this is the first time I have said "this is for ME. *I* deserve this! I deserve a LIFE to LIVE for ME."

This is me saying "my life is no longer yours universe, MY LIFE IS MY OWN"

My chosen family are the ones who tell me "you can do this", "we believe in you"..... "I'm proud of you". People I don't share blood with are the ones who can say those things to me. What kind of joke is that? What does it say about my family? It tells how much those I never see, really see me. They are the ones who see the true me, and still find it in themselves to love me. They believe in me.

TL;DR I came from shit, I'm turning my life around. My biological family doesn't believe in me, my chosen family does

#chosen family #turning point #my life is changing

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dalamjisung · 4 years

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say it ✽ bang chan

word count: 4486

genre: fluff

pairing: reader x bang chan

description: all you needed to confess was a noisy neighbor; who knew?

It’s six in the morning, and, once again, you’re up. The law clearly states that constructions are only allowed to start after 8am, however, your neighbor seems to be in a hurry to move in– and in the process, trying to make everyone else move out. You try to muffle the shattering should of the stone breaker and the loud chattering of the poor workers that have to work early hours with your pillow, but it didn’t help. Nothing would, at this point. You got home from work late– around 11PM– and still had to finish a couple of things for the end of the week’s presentation, and you only fell asleep around three hours ago, only to be brutally awaken, yet again.

The worst is that you know there is nothing you can do. Talking to the workers would amount to nothing, because they are simply following orders, and talking to the new tenant didn’t work. You tried everything; sleeping pills, ear plugs, white noise machine, and you even checked how much it would cost to have a soundproof window, but it was way above your pay check. You just have to wait, and wait you do; you toss and turn until seven, and it stopped sometimes– but then it started right again.

At this point, you were overworked, stressed, and sleepless, and you couldn’t help but cry. You sobbed on your pillow, just wanting absolute silence and warmth. You want to turn your phone off and disappear for a day, but it’s now almost eight in the morning and you need to get ready for work. Everyone notices as soon as you walk into the office– your dark aura emanating the warning you so much wanted to shout out loud, stay away. Not even your boss bothers you today, and you consider yourself lucky.

Time passes as if it was supposed to be this slow; you finish the presentation and starts your next project. You have lunch and you get your fifth coffee of the day. You go back to work but nothing feels productive anymore– you just feel spent.

“Y/N,” Your boss calls from his office and when you look at him, he motions you to go inside.

Taking a deep breath, you make your way to your superior. The last thing you need is to blow up on your boss and get fired, so you force yourself to calm down.

“Yes, Mr. Min?” You ask, sitting down on the chair facing his.

He waves his hand. “None of that formality now,” He chuckles. “I called you here to ask if you’re okay?”

“What… what do you mean?” You look at him, puzzled.

“Well,” He clears his throat. “Is just that you are one of my best workers but I’ve noticed you’re a little… off today. I’m your boss, Y/N, but now I’m asking as a friend. Are you alright? Do you need to leave early?’

And although Mr. Min is being incredibly kind, going home would just make things worse. You think that if you hear one more bang from that stone breaker, you will flip.

“I’m fine, Mr. Min,” You smile, or at least you try to. “Thank you, though.”

“That is a lie,” He laughs. “I know because you look exactly like I used to when I was in your position. Please, take the rest of the day off. Even tomorrow– take tomorrow off, too. I know you’ve worked enough extra hours this week to meet your hourly quota for the month. Relax a little.”

“Ah,” You have no choice, then. “Thank you so much, Mr. Min. Really, I appreciate it.”

“No problem,” He smiles. “Now, do you have anyone to take you home? You are too pale for me to be comfortable with letting you go home by yourself.”

“I have someone, yes,” You bow to him, thanking him again, before leaving to retrieve your things. It is only now that your boss pointed out that you feel it– the exhaustion, the dizziness, the nausea. You need to go home and sleep, but you can’t. The noise won’t have stopped, and it goes until late at night. With a defeated sigh, you call your older brother. Usually, you’d never call Woojin if not to chat mindlessly as you cook dinner– he works too much, and too hard, to have to spend time and energy worrying about you, no matter how many times he begged you to put him down as your energy contact. However, you had no one else to call; your friend’s are all working and you know that Woojin has today off.

“Hello?” You hear his voice from the other side of the line and you swear you’d cry if you weren’t in front of other people. No one offered you comfort like your brother did… well, no one besides him, but you are trying to not think about that right now.

“Hey bear,” You chuckle, walking out of the office and waiting for the elevator. “Busy?”

“Not for you,” You can hear the smile on his voice and it kills you that you are bothering him on his day off. “What’s up?”

“Uh, I’m not feeling well and my boss let me go early,” You mumble, looking at your feet in hidden shame. “Would it be possible for you to come pick me up?”

“On my way.”

And the line goes silent. Sighing, you sit down on the side of the street, breathing deeply as a way to try and maintain your head right. The pain was dulling all your senses and it is wild how much people take sleep for granted. You know what will happen next: Woojin will offer to take you home, you’ll try to convince him not to, he won’t give up, and you’ll be stuck with the noise you’ve been trying to avoid for weeks.

The car honks and you know it’s your brother, taking your time to get up and stabilize yourself so you don’t worry him more than you’re about to. When your vision comes back to normal, after getting up too fast and feeling light-headed, you notice that, yes, that is your brother… and Bang Chan. Your eyes go wide in recognition and you blush– why is he here?

“Y/N!” Chan smiles, opening the door for you. “Are you alright?”

“Ah,” You mumble, chuckling uncomfortably. “Yeah, I’m just–“

“Sleep deprived,” Both Chan and Woojin say at the same time.

“How’d you know?!”

“Look at us,” Woojin laughs. “We recognize one of our own. The difference is that we know how to handle it; you don’t.”

“It’s not my fault,” You whine like a kid. “The neighbor’s constructors are starting their work everyday at 6am! I tried everything– complaining, earplugs, sleeping pills–“

“Pills?!” Chan shouts, turning to look at you with a frown in his face. “Y/N, no!”

“Hey,” You deadpan. “Don’t knock it ‘till you try it. They helped for a couple of hours, but then I woke up again and couldn’t sleep.”

“Y/N,” Woojin speaks softly, and you think that if he keeps doing that you’ll finally fall asleep. “Why don’t you come over to the dorms? Felix is back in Australia for the week, I’m sure you can sleep in his bed.”

“I don’t know, guys,” You sound reluctant, even if you want to agree. “I’m not sure how Jeongin and Minho would feel about this…”

Chan rolls his eyes, and mumbles a I’m sure they’d love it.

“I’m sure they’d be fine with it,” Woojin smiles, swatting Chan in the arm. “It’s just for a week. Now let’s go to yours grab some clothes.”

They only really understand you once they walk in; Woojin shouts something but you shrug, clearly not being able to hear him. You think your neighbor is in the final stretch of re-doing the apartment, but the breaking down the walls and drilling, and chattering, and hammering has been killing you. Your eyes tear up at the loud sound, stress getting to you as you pack your overnight bag.

“Let’s go,” You say, pointing to the door.

“What the fuck?” Chan whispers once you’re all outside. “That’s so loud… how long has it been like that?”

“A few weeks…” You mumble weakly.

“Weeks?” Woojin repeats, mouth hanging open. “Y/N, why didn’t you call me sooner?”

“Because,” It’s all you say.

In the car, you doze off. You wake up slightly as you feel yourself getting picked up, and the flash of camera sounding off into space– but it’s not enough to make you open your eyes. You grumble something and go back to dreamland. You do wake up, though, once you are deposited in a soft bed.

“I’m a little to old for that,” You chuckle, letting Chan remove your shoes as Woojin pulled the covers so you could be tucked in.

“Nah,” Chan laughs, and you remember that. You remember his laugh and it’s nice. “No one is to old for this.”

His hand brushes a wild strand of hair and he smiles when he notices your eyes closing again. You looked really peaceful, and that’s his favorite look on you. He saw it once before, and after that night, he never really forgot, but it’s nice to see it again.

The music is loud and the booze is strong. Your body sways fluidly and it’s been a while since you’ve enjoyed dancing like this. Sora and Jennie disappear somewhere, as they tend to do, and you are by yourself, just how you like– the freedom of loneliness is something you don’t experience often, but you bask in. To be free, and feel free, enough to dance and act like no one is watching… ah, what a blissful moment for you.

But all good things come to an end.

This time, is a simple touch. A hand, you assume, on your lower back, and a chuckle coming from behind you. You smile to yourself, thinking that if the approach is soft, then the rejection should be as soft. And you are not sure if it’s the fact that you are lonely and free or if you are horny and drunk that makes you grind back into this mysterious person. A hiss and a groan settle it; the man brings you closer to him, back to chest, and mumbles in your ear.

“I hope I’m not bothering you,” He says, and you can hear the smile in his voice. “But you look very beautiful tonight.”

A polite one, it seems. As a ‘thank you’ you grind on his once again, and no words are needed after that. You two dance for what feels like hours, and it might as well have been, because you are pretty sure it’s already day when you turn around and–

“Goor morning,” You hear someone whisper while shaking you lightly. Your eyes open slightly to see your brother smiling at you. “It’s 6:30am. Do you have work today?”

You shake your head no, and go back to sleep after he kisses you in the forehead. It doesn’t last long, and you wake up again in a couple of hours. You stretch almost as if you were a cat– limbs long and wide,– and you go to the bathroom, knocking to make sure there was no one in there.

“Just a sec!”

In your hazy state of mind, you barely register Chan’s shirtless form emerge from the foggy bathroom, missing his shy wave and ‘good morning’ all together, focusing only in changing from your uncomfortable work clothes to the comfy sweats in your hands.

You make it through your shirt, as it falls on the floor, and you are working on your pants button when it dawns on you, and you shout– it’s short and brief, more surprised than anything, but enough to make the troop of boys outside worry.

“You alright?” By the voice, you assume this is Changbin.

“Yes!” You shout back, covering your face with your hands, trying to calm yourself down. You try to recollect the image, but you can’t– it was too fast. “Oh my god. Oh my fucking god–“

“Language!” Minho. “We have kids in the house.”

You thought you were whispering, but you were wrong.

“Noona,” Your sweet angel speaks. “Are you coming out anytime soon? I need to brush my teeth.”

“Just a second, Jeongin-ah!” You shout back, changing as fast as possible, completely forgetting about your hair and just letting it be. “Sorry I took too long.”

“No problem, Y/N noona,” Jeongin smiles and goes in, while you make your way into the living room, where everyone is sitting down while eating breakfast.

“Here,” Woojin scoots so you can sit in between him and Seungmin. He shares his plate with you, and you two feel as if you are seven again, eating breakfast together while watching TV in the living room.

“Ya, what was that scream earlier?” Chan asks, frowning. You choke on a piece of toast and blush, noticing how your eyes instantly went to his chest, now covered and protected by a thick hoodie.

“Uh, my hair.”

“What?” Changbin laughs.

“My hair looked terrible,” You shrug, trying to sell the lie. “It shocked me.”

“Do you scream everyday, then?” Woojin asks, teasing you as he messes your hair even more. You whine and everyone is laughing. Thanks to your brother you got to know the boys pretty well, so proud of them for everything they do and achieve, and Woojin couldn’t be happier about your friendship with them– but would he be happy if he knew?

You close your eyes, ignoring the shouts and laughter in the background, recalling the dream from memory. You want it again.

You turn around and you see nothing, but feel everything. The kiss is hungry and soft at the same time, and you can’t help but compare this kiss to the others you’ve had before. His lips are certain and careful, making sure that there is no controlling from either side, but rather a mutual effort. He pulls and you push, and vice versa. His hands are on your waist and your back and you can feel how respectful this boy is. You open your mouth to him and you’re a goner.

“You’re so beautiful,” He mumbles over your mouth, lips touching each other as you two breath harshly. “What’s your name?”

And you smile, ready to hear your name falling from such perfect lips.

“Y/N.”

“Y/N,” He repeats and you savor it. He does too, closing his eyes again.

You don’t remember the rest, but you do remember the moment he speaks again.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Y/N,” He smiles, pecking your lips. “My name is Bang Chan.”

“You alright there?” Minho asks, waking you up from your daydream. You blink, a little lost, and then smile at him– it’s uncomfortable and forced, and everyone knows.

“Yeah,” You mumble, resting your head on Woojin’s shoulder. “Just tired, still.”

“How long has it been since you slept, noona?” Jeongin asks worried.

“A few weeks,” You chuckle. “Would you guys mind if I took a nap?”

“Go for it,” Chan smiles warmly at you. “You can use my room, since Changbin and I will be out all day.”

“Oh,” You aren’t going to oppose to that. You’d be lying if you say that Chan’s smell didn’t bring a certain comfort to you. “Are you sure?”

“Of course,” His voice is soft, almost as if saying you shouldn’t even ask. “It’s all yours, Y/N.”

Even you?, you want to ask, but you know better.

As you lay down in Chan’s bed, surrounded by his everything, you can’t help but think what would happened if you told Woojin– if you gathered the courage to say hey, I kissed your best friend, but it’s okay, because it was before I knew he was your best friend. But now that I know, and now that I know him, I just wanted to say that I am madly in love with him and everything he does.

You try to remember when was it, exactly, that you knew you fell in love. You know it, now; but when did it start? Was it when Woojin finally properly introduced you two, and you two awkwardly shook hands, blushing from memories past? Or was it when you two go to know each other better and you noticed that his dimples show when he smiles and that he messes with his hair when he’s nervous? Maybe it was when you saw him working, concentrating on the beat and the bass and his eyes closed, like that night, as if he was soaking it all up. You are not sure of any of it; when it started, or how it started, but you are sure of it. You are in love with Bang Chan, and you have to tell Woojin somehow.

The thought of hurting your brother overwhelms you, and you only realize are crying when it’s too late. Chan apparently needed something in the room, and when he approaches his bedside table to grab what looks like earphones, he hears it– a soft sniffle.

“Y/N?” He whispers, and moves to take a look at you. “Hey, what happened?! Why are you crying?”

“I can’t do this, Chan,” You sob, hiding your face on his pillow. “I can’t do this to Woojin.”

“Do what?” Chan moves to sit on the bed, bringing your head to lay on his lap, softly running his fingers through your hair, and it only makes it worse. You see him typing something on his phone and you are sure that any time now, your brother would come in. “What can’t you do?”

“This.”

You think he knows what you are talking about; his hands cease their caress and his legs tense up. Woojin slowly creeps in, and you close your eyes just in time to pretend you are asleep. You hear him murmuring something, in conversation with Chan, and the door closes as you feel your head falling back onto the pillow. Sighing, you open your eyes.

“I knew you weren’t sleeping. We need to talk.”

---------------------------

“You like him.”

Of course Woojin knows. He’s always been really perceptive, and being the eldest of you two, he’s always been in tune with you, knowing when you were hurt, or happy, or tired.

“I do,” You sigh. “But I won’t do anything about it.”

“Why?!” He whines, eyes wide and hands wild. What?

“Wh– Woojin, he’s your best friend!” You screech, thankful that the apartment is empty with the exception of you two.

“That’s why I know he’s a good guy!”

“What the actual fuck is happening right now?!” You groan, pulling on your hair. Woojin holds your hands, just like he always does, and chuckles.

“Y/N,” He starts. “I’ve known for months. I see the way you act around him, and it’s actually pretty funny.”

“It’s not funny!” You defend yourself. “I just get… nervous.”

“Yes, and that’s adorable,” Woojin teases, pinching your cheeks. “But I’d never be angry at you for that, monkey. Seeing you happy is all that matters for me, and if you are happy with Chan, and he is happy with you, I’m happy, too. Chan is a great guy; I know that because I live with him. And because he told me everything.”

You look at him with wide eyes.

“You knew?!”

“Of course,” He shrugs. “Y/N, you are a grown woman. You are strong and independent, and although I’ll always to protect you, I’m not angry you and Chan kissed in the club that night. You didn’t know each other, and Chan doesn’t just do that– he doesn’t usually go to girls in clubs to just make out and leave.”

“He doesn’t?” You mumble, and Woojin melts. You look like a kid, and he wonders how much you like his friend, if you feel this insecure.

“No,” He smiles softly, climbing on the bed to hug you. “Chan cares about you, monkey. And so do I. And I want to see you two happy. So go for it.”

“Sure, because it’s that easy,” You say sarcastically. “I don’t even know if he likes me.”

“Sure,” And you two really are related, because he sounds exactly like you when he’s sarcastic. “And the sky is green.”

You just look at him.

“Wait, are you serious?!” Woojin squints at you. “I know your slow, but wow, I didn’t know you were dumb, Y/N.”

“Thanks, brother,” You roll your eyes.

“Chan is in love with you.”

Woojin says as if it is nothing new, but it makes your heart stop. You never thought you hear that, specially coming out of your brother’s mouth.

“Okay, ew, don’t look like that,” Woojin complains, pushing you away.

“Like what?” You try to cover up, but it’s too late. He knows you too well.

“Like you are ready to run after him and jump his bones,” Woojin fakes vomit and you think you might just do it for real.

“Ew,” You say rather loudly. “Let’s not ever think of that again.”

“Agreed,” You two shake hands. “I’m serious, though. He is in love with you, but at the same time he is worried. He thinks you don’t feel the same, no matter how many times I told him you did, and he is worried that he might scare you away. So do something, yeah? Anything. I don’t think I can hear him talk about you anymore… it’s so awkward.”

You hug your brother. “Thank you, Woojin. Really, this means the world.”

“Your happiness means the world, Y/N,” He whispers. “Now take a nap. Chan will be back later and I’ll take the boys our for dinner tonight; give you two some privacy.”

“What did I do to deserve a bother as awesome as you?” You joke as he gets up.

“You are right,” He winks. “I am awesome. Love you, kid.”

“Love you too, bear,” You send him a kiss and lay down again. Now, with Woojin’s blessing, you feel like you can finally do it. You fall asleep again, and this time, when you wake up again, you fell fully rested.

---------------------------

The boys get home late, but Chan’s not with them. Everyone notices your nervous glances to the door and your bitten nails, but they say nothing. They shower and then leave again, your brother leading them out with promises of barbecue and karaoke; you tell them you are too tired to go and that’s the end of it– you are alone once again.

You make some ramen, but you are too anxious to eat. You are not sure what time is it, but you fall asleep, and wake up once again with the sound of someone punching the passcode in. Chan gasps slightly upon seeing you laying down in their couch and, dropping his backpack in the floor, he walks to you.

“Ah, you silly girl,” He whispers, and you do your best to pretend you are still asleep. “What are you doing here? I told you to sleep in my room…”

His hands go around you– one under your legs and the other on your back,– and just as he moves to pick you up, you pull on him, making him fall on you.

“Waiting for you,” You grumble, still a bit sleepy. You rub your eyes as he moves, trying to avoid depositing all of his weight on you. “I was waiting for you, Chan.”

“Why?” He asks once the shock passes; he is sitting next to you, one arm resting on your bent knees, almost as if he is hugging your legs to him. “Something happened?”

“A lot happened,” You smile, pulling your self up and getting closer to him. “And a lot more is about to happen.”

He smiles. You squint your eyes and you notice how relaxed he looks, how at ease.

“You know,” You say, voice coming out a little bit accusatory. “Woojin told you!”

“Not everything,” Chan laughs, hiding his face on your knees. “Just the important parts.”

“It’s all important!” You exclaim, laughing with him. “No fair– I wanted to say it!”

“Then say it.”

The atmosphere is quick to change; the playfulness from before disappearing in a swift moment. His eyes are one yours, and his chin is still resting on your legs, trying as he might to not just grab you then and there. Touching you like this would suffice, for now, at least.

“Come on,” Chan coaches you softly, hands caressing your thighs. “I want to hear. I need to hear it, Y/N.”

The desperation on his voice– for certainty and confirmation,– is what makes you smile. You take his face on your hands, and brings him closer, allowing him to kneel in between your legs, arms circling your waist as he grunts with the effort to keep him stable. You shudder at the sound, and kisses his right cheek. Then the left cheek. And then offers him your mouth, and he is the one that kisses you now. A small peck, it’s what it is, but you don’t care.

“I love you,” You whisper into his mouth, feeding him, touching him. “I love you, Bang Chan.”

His turn is a while later, after he satisfies his immediate need; he kisses you for as long as he can, bringing you closer each time, even though you think there isn’t any space in between you two. His mouth is open and smiling and soft and you go back to that night. You remember it; his hands, his taste, his voice. Everything is Bang Chan and you adore it. You love it.

“Love you,” He whispers frowning, eyes closed just like he does when he is concentrating. You soothe his forehead with your thumb, and kisses his nose. “Love you so much, Y/N.”

“Good,” You pull back, and lay down, pulling him with you. “Or else this would be a little awkward.”

He laughs. “Let’s go to my room, my bed is more comfortable than the couch.”

You let him carry you to his bed, where you lay down with your head on his lap as he works some more. You let him kiss your forehead, from time to time, and you let him shush the boys as they all scream in excitement to see you two cuddled up in bed.

You smile, feeling him put his computer on the floor, and turn around to cuddle you. You kiss him, just one more time for the night, before falling asleep again.

You wake up the next morning thinking it was all a dream, until Chan comes in the room, with a steaming cup of coffee, and he says it again.

“Love you.”

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it’s been a while since I wrote for skz, but I quite like how this came out :P what do you think? let me know! your support means the world ❤️

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thatrandomcatoverthere · 4 years

Text

She devil part 1

Photo not mine. Honestly, I was just listening to Dying by lil peep and it inspired this so I’m not sure which direction this story will go. I plan to make this a series, it depends on how I feel about this part in a few days.

Bucky x Reader

Summary: Y/n was a lone wolf assassin that Bucky found during a mission scoping out a hydra base. Even though Bucky convinced her to join the avengers, she doesn’t get close to the others. She hides her secrets well, and spends her nights getting high. Bucky wants to learn more about her but doesn’t expect it to be so hard even if he is the only one she talks to.

Warnings: Weed (i refuse to write about hard drugs as I’m highly against them personally), minor depression, canon typical violence but it may include non-canon violence and gore later on, may include smut later on, cursing. This may include things that are triggering to some at some point, please proceed with caution.

Bucky had found y/n scoping out the same hydra base as him and Steve. When they finally had an attack planned she had taken it upon herself to snipe multiple soldiers from the tree line. After that the two decided she could prove useful especially since she shared the same hate for hydra. She originally wouldn’t give her real name, “She Devil” is all she would give when asked. She was a woman of few words. Very rarely would you hear her say a full sentence unless she was talking to Bucky.

Y/n laid down in her bed on top of her fluffy black comforter and sighed. She had just got done with some nightly training with Bucky. She refused to do training in the mornings with the others unless mandatory. She was zoned out when a knock to her door snapped her out of it. “Come in.” She said already assuming it was Bucky. The metal armed male walked in and leaned on the doorframe, “You know eventually you’ll have to train with the others and open up right? I’m not pushing, but they’ve been asking if it’ll ever happen.”

“Maybe, I don’t know.” Was all she said. Bucky chose not to argue or push any harder, “Just something to think about Y/n.” With that he left closing the door behind him. She didn’t waste any time to lock her door and pulled out her dab pen. It was the easiest way to smoke without anyone smelling it. She took a few hits, after a minute the world around her became jaded. She felt happy, like everything from her past was nothing but a thought. She laid back down and let her eyes close. The world was spinning around her as she fell into a soft slumber.

She knew she should stop doing this, it was the only way she could properly sleep without every noise waking her up.

The next morning she woke up with a start, the peaceful dream she was having shifted into the vivid memory of her first kill.

Deep inhale. Slow exhale. The scope of her carbon fiber cheytac m300 aimed onto her target. She didn’t know what he did wrong to get a hit on him in her organization, but she had orders to follow.

Deep inhale. Slow exhale. Squeeze the trigger. He fell.

She hesitated a second, a child ran up to him. It looked like his daughter, she was bawling and holding him. She felt sick as she swiftly packed up her gun into a guitar case.

She felt sick at the memory. She found out later that he had threatened to spill the whereabouts of her organization to police. It made her wish she hadn’t killed him, she would not have suffered 6 more years with them. Wiping away tears that had found their way down her face, she went to shower.

Steve looked up, it was rare others were awake at 6AM like him. By now he was used to Y/n being awake too. He watched as the girl walked into the kitchen to make herself some coffee saying nothing to him but “Good morning.”

“Good morning Y/n, sleep well?” She nodded pouring her cup. He caught the hesitation though, the split second it took her. The pause she took while pouring the dark liquid. The deep inhale and the raise of her heartbeat.

He eyed her wondering if he should say something, but quickly decided against it. She would open up in time. “Just a heads up, you, Bucky, and Nat are being sent on a mission today. The debriefing will be at 9 o’clock sharp.” He was taken back when she said more than three words after that.

“Where to this time Captain? Siberia is too damn cold, please don’t be there.” She surprised herself honestly. When she was around Bucky or Steve she felt welcome, like she could be herself. It was still a work in progress to hold a conversation with Steve, but she was trying. “South Africa this time, so it’ll be hot. I would pack light.”

The debriefing went by fast, Y/n was nervous she had never been on a mission with Nat. Excitement of seeing THE Black Widow in action coursed through her veins, but she tried to hide it. The trio were in the quinjet, Bucky was in the bathroom when Nat decided to speak up.

“So why “She Devil”? Iron man is obvious, Captain America was given, and Hawkeye is just fitting. What’s your name story?” Nat looked over at Y/n hoping she would respond. She was trying to trust the sniper more, but there was nothing about her. Her hometown, her parents, everything up until the last year and a half. But she the h/c haired girl had been with for almost a year of that. It was amazing how long she kept to managed to keep herself hidden from the team.

“It’s a long story.”

“We have the time, it’s another 6 hours until we land. You can trust me Y/n, truly.”

Y/n knew better, it was easy to spot an interrogation. She couldn’t and wouldn’t spill her secret unless she had to. Silence. Nat realized she wouldn’t win this and stayed quiet after that.

A week later, the group was ready for the attack. It was simple after Y/n scoped the area. Go in through the unused back entrance, take out the target and get the hell out of dodge. At least it was going to be simple. Until Y/n heard a yelp from her red haired companion. She had grown to like the ex-assassin over the past week, even started to talk a bit more. Thats when she saw it, the crimson liquid leaked out of Nat’s side. Bucky wasn’t out of the building yet, and the girls were surrounded. “Bucky Widow was hit and there’s at least ten of them around us.” Y/n said low enough that the hydra agents could not hear it.

“Can you take them? Keep Nat safe I’ll be out there in about 60 seconds.” They didn’t have that much time. Y/n knew what she would have to do, but it would spill her secret. She would have a lot of explaining to do later.

Suddenly her e/c orbs turned a dark red. Two black devil horns sprouted out of her head, along with a long devil tail that had a triangle tip at the end from her tailbone. Her canines got sharper and longer. It was a fierce sight to see, but also terrifying to the poor agents who had to deal with her. It was all a blur to Nat, who was sitting leaned up against a wall her hand on her side.

Y/n pulled out a pistol and with an unnatural speed shot two of the agents. Her tail wrapped around the gun in one mans hands and yanked him to her as she jabbed her dagger into his chest. She quickly took care of the rest, it was effortless for her. The form granted her speed no human could hope to have, and eyesight and hearing similar to a hawk looking for its prey.

Bucky ran out right when it finished and was about to aim at the she devil. He froze when he recognized her hair. He looked at Nat, she was in and out and losing a lot of blood. He made quick work of picking her up as he and y/n ran to the quinjet. Y/n taking care of any hydra they came across on the way.

Y/n stayed in her room for the next two days, it took a toll on her body to transform into the She Devil. Not to include she really did NOT want to have the conversation about what happened. She knew it was all caught on footage, she had plugged a usb into a computer at the facility that allowed Tony to go through their footage. Ranging from a few months before to the present. Everyone in the compound had to know about it by now, it was only a matter of time before someone dragged her downstairs about it.

Those two days she spent high of her rocker, she wanted to feel something other than fear and disgust. She hated what she is, she was born a mutant. She had just taken another hit when a knock sounded through her room. She ignored it at first before Bucky barged straight in.

“What do you want?” she tried to say to him but it came out kinda jumbled. He put two and two together when he saw the pen. “Are you high right now?” He asked already knowing the answer. Her half lidded eyes and slower responses were enough of an answer, “How’d you know Buckaroo?”

He stared at her when she said that. Was this her? The real Y/n? He so badly wanted to see more of it, but he didn’t want her to push him away when she sobered up. The last hit she took caused her to relax too much as her horns sprouted again. “I know you don’t want to, but you need to come and talk to us about what the hell scene you made on the mission.” He walked over to her and attempted to grab her hand and make her stand up. She pulled away quickly, “Then what? I get kicked out?”

That’s what this was about. The reason no one had seen her for two days straight. He sighed, “Look I’ll try to convince Steve to let it wait until tomorrow but you better be sober when I come to get you. Though you at least need to go visit Nat in the med bay today when you sober up. She wants to personally thank you. Oh and I’m taking this you can have it back tomorrow after the meeting.”

With that he swiftly grabbed the dab pen and left. Leaving behind an upset y/n.

When she finally sobered up later that day she waited until she was sure everyone would be in bed. She finally left her room and went to visit Nat, they had got close during the mission. When she entered the room Nat looked up from her laptop, “Hey She Devil.”

She was giving y/n a rare smile that no one ever got to see. “Hey Nat, How ya feeling?”

“Much better than the other day thanks to your quick work of those agents. I’m actually glad in a way that I got shot. I got to see something new about you.”

“So you don’t hate me?” Y/n had dropped her barriers around Nat. She knew she could trust her now, it was strange for both of them honestly. Y/n rarely opens up around anyone, and Nat barely knew anything about y/n a week ago but already began to trust her. “Of course not, you saved my life that day. I gotta admit, it’s nice to see the real you. I hope one day you’ll fully open up.”

They talked for almost 2 hours before deciding it was getting late. When y/n woke up the next day, she finally left her room. She slept terrible that night due to Bucky forcing sobriety on her, so when Cap saw how tired she looked he was surprised. Surely she would’ve spent those days locked away sleeping. She didn’t say good morning this time. She didn’t even glance at him while she made her cup of coffee. “Meeting at 10. Be there y/n.” when he got no reply he continued, “It’s nice to see you out of your room again by the way. Mornings are lonely when the quietest person alive isn’t around.”

That earned a small smile from the girl who stayed staring at her coffee. But it was gone within a split second and replaced with a straight face again. The morning went by slow as y/n dreaded the meeting, already knowing it was about her. She was seated in the living room next to Bucky on the couch when JARVIS alerted them that the meeting was in 5 minutes. “It’ll be ok Y/n/n, all you have to do is explain what happened, and what the She Devil is. There will be questions, but no one will condemn you for any of your answers. We all have red on our ledger, it’s about time you explain some of yours to us.” Bucky reassured her on the way there.

When they arrived, she sat in-between Bucky and Nat. Glancing around the room she saw Tony, Steve, Sam, Wanda, Vision, and Thor. Just then Fury walked into the room and he immediately put his gaze on her. Locking eyes, well eye to eyes, with her.

“Y/n Y/l/n. It’s been a while. I believe you owe all of us an explanation on what the hell that was on the mission.” He sounded irritated but intrigued at the same time and y/n didn’t know how to feel towards it. Her anxiety spiked high and Bucky grabbed her hand reassuringly under the table, something that did not miss Nat’s attention. Then all eyes were on y/n when she began to speak.

“I apologize for not saying something sooner about it. I owe all of you an explanation of my past. So here goes nothing.”

Author: I did not expect this to be so long, I will make a part 2 in a few days hopefully. I fell in love with this the more I wrote.

@dreaming-about-fanfictions I wrote this too dang early in the morning, but I hope you enjoy this one as much as the last and thank you for your support 😊

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