#feels like im missing something but i dont think i am idk!!

[zillua]

alright! i made a post ranking my first semester readings in july but decided to make a tier list of everything i read this year instead of another list for the 2nd semester.

but first: im not including on the list mandatory uni readings, books i gave up on half way through or books i reread. also not including mangas/graphic novels.

so

the 5 books with 5 stars btw:

frankenstein by mary shelley

ponciá vicêncio by conceição evaristo

a hunger artists by franz kafka

bobok by fyodor dostoevsky

becos da memória by conceição evaristo

i didnt reach my goal of the year without considering the mangas which is upsetting but im happy with most of the things i read so!

#feels like im missing something but i dont think i am idk!!

[topaziraphale]

"Stop saying Crowley won't help Aziraphale in S3 he'd go back to him in a HEARTBEAT and nothing would stop him" I get it no one likes the idea of Crowley being bitter after what happened for a long period of time but like can we at least acknowledge that he's currently going through probably the most emotional pain in his life since falling? Can we agree that he's opened his heart entirely - something you couldn't pay him to do unless the world is literally ending and he's desperate - to Aziraphale, and got shot down? Can we understand that he did it AGAIN only to lose Aziraphale again? Not that what Aziraphale did isn't without Crowley's own shortcomings (hiding the truth of Heaven's cruelty from him) but like,,,,

The appeal here isn't Scorned Crowley Doesn't Love Aziraphale Anymore, or Never Wants To Help Him Again, the appeal here is Crowley learning enough self respect to not just walk back right to Aziraphale like nothing happened after Aziraphale has had a pattern of consistently refusing him. Going years ping-ponging between "We're not friends I don't even know him" to "That's what friends are for right?" and "We're friends, why would you even say anything?" and "Friends? We're not friends. We are an angel and a demon!"

Like I get it, Crowley is a heartbreakingly forgiving person. Of course he's gonna forgive Aziraphale, I'll be surprised if he didn't forgive him by the time he walked out the bookshop door, but gdi he could at least grant himself the luxury of being at least a little irritated for longer than however long it takes to make a globe and some books float and angrily cry out to God in his flat. But due to the change of pace and dynamic that is establishing part of the conflict for Season 3, I just really like the idea of him for ONCE prioritizing himself and being like "Okay, fine. We'll get back at it when you're ready, then," instead of just taking Aziraphale back like his words and actions meant nothing to him, when clearly they have an effect on him.

What is Aziraphale going to learn if Crowley just accepts what he did so quickly, like he always has the entire time they've been friends? Idk maybe I'm just projecting too much darkness on their dynamic but I mean, if the pattern of Aziraphale pushing Crowley away/disrespecting him one day and then being fine with his friendship the next + Crowley never stopping to be like "Hey, that's not cool, at least give me a little credit" or smth was fine all along and will continue to be fine in the future, then why, after 6,000 years of being friends and loving this demon, can Aziraphale still not accept that Crowley is just fine the way he is, and instead got excited to promote him to an angel in a heartbeat once the opportunity presented itself? You can't blame all of it on Heaven when Aziraphale has demonstrated his free will/defiance to Heaven so many times. Or, I don't know, I guess maybe we can? Maybe I'm just craving too much angst to the point where I'm letting it cloud my analysis of canon. Idk.

#derpy speaks #good omens #good omens 2 #no i dont think crowley is gonna ever hate aziraphale for what happened but he's allowed to be angry #he's allowed to be done with it all. he's allowed to be exhausted. just look at his face when he drives away. #meh. idk. but i dont know how i'll feel if crowley just INSTANTLY accepts aziraphale back in a situation involving #idk - ''hey help me stop the new apocalypse'' #at least. without like. SOME pushback? it can even be something small like ''are you SURE you want ME to help you? do you really need me?'' #doesnt have to be a straight refusal but i'd like SOME kind of action to show that crowley is putting his foot down for once #he deserves that self respect #do NOT reply saying that im insinuating that aziraphale is actively malicious or doing it on purpose. #everything he has done up until now is his own complicated response to all the trauma and guilt he's been through #but despite that crowley is STILL allowed to be upset... it's messy. i can write a whole paper about how this whole thing #is just unfortunate on both ends. again. we didnt get queerbaited we got communication baited 😭 #but help me out here. am i just too fandom-brained to have these expectations from the story? #is there something obvious im missing that is making me sound like a complete asshole here? do i need to get my head out of the gutter? #someone please explain it to me if so because whatever it is‚ i can't find it #not queued

[lemongogo]

can i ask.how u guys practice ur creativity <3 how u practice ur imagination or like.. how u experiment with ur art, how u come to ideas and how u develop them.<3 pretty please <3

#smthing i have always struggled w.is feeling like i can only draw things that r handed 2 me. #as in.an idea or concept that already exists #chara or conflict that already exists.Scene that alr exists. #and i think it can be soo limiting bc when i have that sort of creative desire but nothing 2 reflect off of it #i feel like im unable to do anything/get anywhere bc im unable to do that mental legwork myself ykwim #like comic artists r SOOO JAW DROP INSPIRING TO MEE bc not only are u envisioning ur own sequences/situations #but u are able to imagine even the most MUNDANE interactions within those scenarios u know #like the transitory panels and the quiet moments and the every day stillness #and i feel like.its not even a poor attempt on my behalf its like.i cant Even attempt it.like my brain is soo empty #and soo static and noiseless that i am like gauhh...... #i can practice lines all day long and practice colors and practice anatomy or Whatever bc its something concrete #and its in front of me and i can pry apart the physical technicalities until i understand it better #but my MIND???ABSTRACTION>? THOUGHTS .ough its so hard #and i really want to push past that but i dont know how and its so .. demoralizing to think that ill get there One Day but i feel #one million and two days away.and not making active process towards it. #i know the first step is to build ur visual library and i feel liek. idk i FEEL LIKEEE theres more 2 it that im missing #but also im depressed as hell n my job is killing my creative drive and the seasonal stuff isnt helping #so maybe i just need 2 give it time (true) but i also like.man i dont know. i want 2 do something w my hands #but everything ive been doing so far has felt soo .hard and fruitless and i definitely dont want 2 turn art into such a stressful thing #fruitless as in like.i dont get any personal satisfaction w it.idgaf abt monetization or algorithms or any of tht #but smtimes thats just what happens and i have 2 weather through and know ill be more equipped 4 this some other time #SAWRYYY IM ALWAYS GOING ON AND ONNN im nromal im normal<3 i just rly like art and it sucks balls whn it feels out of reach #sigh cry fart scroll.(:salute:)

[fleshdyke]

#csa warning for tags #ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh #completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i #also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad #like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man #was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to #'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background #all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or #whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important #i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting #that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently #wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all. #and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head #like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have #to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it. #bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit #i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus #an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually #harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all #bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid. #and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is #but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core. #i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways #rambles #vent

[todayisafridaynight]

any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that

if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it

#snap chats #no one understands how much i love that from y3 and y4 its genuinely one of my favorite things about the game #oh but i guess i have to give an actual answer now. HMPH. #id scream if they revived kanda calling mine limp wristed. homophobia in 4k #OK BUT TO BE SERIOUS uhhhh i dont know. im a real simple guy i think #my only like. If This Isnt There Im Leaving deal is mine's palette and im so serious #rgg's scaring me with all the black-hair/purple-suit mine stuff as of late and i cant stress how hard ill vomit if thats in the final #HYPOTHETICAL final anyways. yk3 isnt coming out for. IDK A WHILE #i wanna say i hope they highlight daigo and mine's relationship more but i dont know how theyd do that #i really like how mine's handled in y3 as is so i dont think i want scenes injected like what they did with yk1 and nishiki #someone said a Mine Saga after the game and... hm ... sounds too unrealistic for me to hope for it #like im REALLY trying to think how they could possibly reference the rggo stories in y3 since those are EXCELLENT but #i think . MAYBE. you could reference the story where richardson calls mine as he's driving to the hospital #the only thing you'd have to exclude though is mine stopping by the bar- like JUST keep the phone conversation maybe #cause in that scene that subordinate does question mine if he can really kill daigo and i think thatd be neat. in my opinion. #yeah i dont know. in regards to rggo its hard to think of what i want without intervening things i already like about y3 #its a real head scratcher ... #a really good epilogue addition would be adapting that RGGO bit where daigo ruminates on mine. that's a fair ending for him i think #it also fulfills the need to see how daigo saw mine even if its just a little #and to non-rggo readers it could start to answer 'how does daigo feel about everything that happened' #im still so curious as to if daigo was briefed on EVERYTHING that happened but .... anyways.... #sorry all my hopes for y3 are just mine/minedai centric fLVKELKA BUT LIKE. i really am content with everything else with y3 surprisingly #idk. i want kiryu fucking up that curry in high definition tho. thats important to me #THEY HAVE TO KEEP THE QTES DURING THE RICHARDSON FIGHT ILL BE PISSED #i need the fight to be AS CAMPY and unnecessary as it was in the og. INCLUDING richardson's voice acting i need it wack as hell #is it weird i actually appreciate the Diet Building Loredumping being like. in replayable-cutscene form #i thought id prefer just One Long cutscene but im glad theres the option to skip those segments #BUT being able to get a refresher in case you missed something somehow #im running out of tags jesus christ i shouldve put this in the main text but vjALjlagj those are all my thoughts for now bYE

[technicalthinker]

Since I see a lot of reactions on articles/quotes from the Loki crew and cast, here are some general reminders when it comes to stuff like this;

There are so many people working on a show/movie and everyone make decisions creating the final product we watch. Of course they do a lot of work to unite their visions and make it cohesive, but "contradictions" may still happen. We often talk about the obvious people behind a show, the actors, writers and directors, but there are also costume designers, composers and editors, etc. All of these people can have different perspectives and pull things in different directions, that just sort of comes with the nature of making such a big show.

And then it comes to producing a show itself. Productions are messy. Things get reworked on the spot because what might've worked on the page didn't work in practice, props break and need to be changed, actors can't be in for the day, etc. All of these affect the final products in chaotic ways. Sometimes unpredictable things like this may get in the way of or improve the story.

And finally articles/interviews purpose is to provide this one specific person's perspective and promote the show, or engage fans.

So take these things with a grain of salt. You don't need to base your entire view on the show on statements from cast/crew. Is the line less meaningful because it was improvised? Should we consider an episode to be less canon because it was apparently rewritten a lot from its original state?

Your fan experience will likely be healthier and more fun if you try to mainly engage with the art you have in front of you. If you read quotes from creators and feel frustrated that they are inconsistent with the art - first of all, art is subjective, it just comes with the territory. But my main point of the post is that even if a person is working on the show, it doesn't mean that their view is 100% represented within the text. You don't need to go full Death of the Author here, but you gotta remember there isn't just one author and that author's intent at work here, there is a production, with all that comes with it. And honestly? That's what makes it interesting. All of these visions coming together to create art that we get to take part in, and whatever vision we're getting as a viewer might be something completely unique.

#marvel blogging #loki #loki spoilers #KINDA #marvel #this is a long way to say: you dont need to go death of the author but it is more fun that way #IDK I CARE A LOT ABOUT THIS TOPIC SO I NEEDED TO PUT IT ALL DOWN #ive struggled with this before. getting bummed out by weird comments made by cast or crew but like. it aint HEALTHY. it aint fun. #i wanna be clear this is NOT a 'lokius truthing' post #this is NOT a 'dont worry it is canon dont listen to them!' post #im also feeling a lot for the sylki fans who are being told it was abt their romance when s2 very much downplayed that aspect of the writin #this is just like. #literally a reminder of how productions work #I AM A DESTIEL AND THE HOBBIT TRILOGY ENJOYER. I KNOW WHAT I AM SPEAKING OF. #hearing bts stuff from both spn and the hobbit (AND LOTR) has made me realise how much of the good that is happy mistakes basically #if you get something FUN from cast and crew? ENJOY IT. enjoy that laugh at it and feel seen #but if it makes you feel shitty it might be better to just leave it at the door #like it isnt just more fun and healthy that way i think it leads to more interesting conversations about art #thinking abt how the destiel 15x18 handprint was an accident of them realising they had to change the location of the confession #bc they had earlier fucked up a door and the script had missed it. #and tHEN it lead to the bloody handprint

[philosophicallie]

ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me

#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way #in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom #was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc #but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me #but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars #idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like #there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything #bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio #like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer #im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events #never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just #only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just #idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants #like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown #i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4 #the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours #idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until #i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12 #whatever. whatever #im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/

[dockaspbrak]

i feel like im not actually connected to the world anymore like i used to be and i lost whatever i had

#and now im just waiting to die orsomething #idk #i feel like norman shouldnt have gone without me #unfair #im not even a person anymore #im uselss and a disappointment to all #i can just drive #i miss having friends and being a part of a group who noticed when i wasnt there yaknow? like #a society #i feel like i slipped out somehow and i dont see people smiling anymore or enjoy sunlight on leaves or feel hopeful #i dont know when i got to be so depressed but #i managed to get a hair cut today #which sounds stupid to even mention but i am sort of agoraphobic and hadnt. managed to get one since september of last year or so #i looked stupid #the other day i went into a store with my sister and a woman was very chatty with me so i bought her a slushie and it was sweet how happy #that made her #so im just being dramatic you know its nice when someone smiles at you like directed at you #and like i did feel the sun on my arm while driving today and it felt nice and i can change as a person whenever i want #i dont like living in the city i think #i dont know what i want but i gotta make changes you know #start smoking and get a tattoo or something #i guess a lot of this is just regan and i arent that friendly right now and its making me sad #shes just busy #kinda a little bit makes me sad it was so nice when we started dating and we flirted a lot now its like im just a fixture that needs mainte #ance #everyso often #and my cats still dead #and his brother is dying #hes got lymphoma #i guess thats why im sad and sayng all this today

[arvoze]

the power i will receive in a matter of days will be astounding. watch out

#i am making this post to ramble. idk if it will actually change anything but i am trying 2 be hopeful . #ive been very. Rough all month thus far both physically and mentally and occasionally both at the same time #i am just hoping tht wat i am getting soon will help me do things bc ive rly had no energy to do anything at alllllll #and i rly dont want to like. Explode i would like to get things done #i have things i owe to people!!! i just dont have the spoons to do it Ever and it piles iup and up in my head #it fucking blows dude i have been stuck in a horrendous loop for like almost 6 months #i just want 2 be normal u know . i am hoping something will change soon #if it does not change in the nesxt few days when my shit arrives i think im like. Done For in general #like if im unable to get anything done in the next few days then i am going to very seriously have to reconsider #literally everything i do online i think. its a bit fucked up #ik it sounds like an exaggeration bu there is noooo way in hell i am Surviving like tihs !!!!!!! slash srs #i wish twitter circles did not die so i cold blow up in there bu back to ye olde norm of tumblr tags will have to do #also it feels less invasive so like. win for me ig. i do miss rambling nonstop in tags #i miss tumblr!! i miss a lot of old stuff. reminiscing for reasons both good and bad. the tumblr stuff is the good side tho #anyways i have been slowly chipping away at writing thigns this month and ik its like. not a lot at all. #but its a lot to *me* and when youre someone whos only capable of doing so mch its like. a big deal #(im writing pmdnd stuff finally getting back into gear nd stuff i have been trying to slowly draw the npcs #that ive made whilst trying to recover in other areas bu rghghrghgrgr i dont ewant to draw #i havent wanted to draw in a long long time blows up) #i shuld. stop typing actually i am rambling too much i jsujt have nowhere to mindlessly ramble anymore technicaly #i dont want to bug my friends w me being unwell all the time DFJKGHDFKGFG #mayne i will try to ccontinue with the npcs. we will see based on if i post again in the next 30 minutes

[robotsafari]

god more i think about ansem in dream drop distance the more upset i get.

#robo ramble #hear me out. there was some missed potential there <- STATMENTS DREAMED UP BY THE UTTERLY DERANGED. #while im all for completely cutting the entire shit with riku and ansem out #i feel like there could’ve been something interesting done there. #idk maybe im just a big reverse/rebirth fan and the pandering to me specifically was done so fucking atrociously #how can you pander to reverse/rebirth fans if you like. miss the entire point of it. #also i think the ansem and terra fight should’ve been separate fights instead of 2 phases. #what if ansem was guardianless during the fight that would be interesting. #I HAVE IDEAS GRGRGSHGA #also i think the fact that the ansem fight is immediately after the black coat nightmare fight was a bad fucking move #GIVE ME A BREAK I JUST FOUGHT THE MOST BULLSHIT BOSS IN THE GAME AND NOW YOU WANT TO SUDDENLY CUT TO ANSEM WITH NO BUILD UP #i need to continue playing ddd but man am i so disappointed #no wonder why my sibling didn’t remember a single thing from this game LOL #just realized i didnt getmy thoughts out about rewriting the story aspect. well. #would you actually want to hear my deranged thoughts because no you dont.

[the-kneesbees]

uggh I'm gonna cry

#i lowkey miss when i had no friends 😭 #i got invited to my friends birthday party and i really really didnt want to go #cause theres like 10 other people going and i vaguely know 2 of them #and theyre all kinda mean #like in the way your friends are mean where its clearly a joke #but im not friends with any of them- #qnd like in any other circumstance it would be fine #but its a POOL party #and there was no chace i was putting on a bathing suit and swimming #but i also was not ready to deal with being the weirdo who doesnt swim at a pool party #like i was really dreading this party #so i made some lame excuse #which is technically true #my brother DID break q bone today and my parents ARE being dramatic and i AM gonna have to wait on him #but thats not q good reason not to go #i was just really freaking out about this party #and its prob not a big deal and she definitely doesn't care as much as i think #but i feel so bad for being flaky #plus i already feel like a couple people there dont like me #so if my friend mentions why i didnt go theyre gonna think its a dumb excuse #i should have made something up but i had already said yes cause i couldnt think of anything #and then my parents wrre at the hospital for a really long time so i didnt know what exactly was happening #and i did genuinely think when i texted her that it was more serious and there would be no chance they could take me #qlso they both have stuff to do tomorrow (party day) #and i am actually gonna end up being the one helping him get water and stuff #but it just feels like such a lame excuse #idk #its just when im with these people (the ones going that im not friends with) #i constantly feel like i hace something to prove or theyll think im weird #and its so stressful

[testing-tranquility]

Trass.

hi :)

#am I allowed to ask if u want to overwatch duo #sorry im so sorry I genuinely tbh dont expect u to rly answer this BUT I kinda lowkey asked u on discord like a week ago #if it was ok if I like… idk talked to u and wanted ur time like a lil baby #and I see ur on ovw rn #AND IM NOT GONNA ASK bc I don’t…. feel like I have the right to but……….. good luck out there ok and we’ll #if u wanna duo cough cough im here… aha… taah…. sweats and laughs and throws myself off a cliff #anyways. ANYWAYS. sorry sorry. sorry. ok im. im sorry. #hi #I don’t rly know what to say to u but I just #I want… anything.. idk…….. hi #I really really think im so crazy you know #i just #idk anyways alien was sick it was a fun experience w sam btw and im still drunk tee hee. if u couldnt tell #i rly do like those xenomorph critters idk why but I’ve always thought they’re so cool…….. #i mean…. acid blood…. they’re so big… BIG TEEF……… very cool…… #hhhh…..hhhhi……… <- not sad not desperate aaahahhaahaaaaaahhahhhhaaaahhahahahhahahahahaha #throws myself off a cliff regardless #beeba my beloved #answered #deedis #ew wait I was asking to duo in a tumblr ask here LOL ok sorry I don’t expect u to answer that tbh I rly don’t #I justttttt #idk #idk I just miss u so kuch I hope that’s okay and im sorry #ugh ur prly not even gonna see this I feel so stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid #I mean u prly will but maybe tomo or in quite a few hours or something or #idk I guess that’s okay #idk. idk #anyways… hi I guess

[llitchilitchi]

.

#litchi.txt #this is about to be a vent post please do ignore me i just need to scream into the void for a moment #ive been incredibly demotivated to post #like thoroughly just. feel bad #its making it hard to make new stuff and then when i post and it gets only likes and no reblogs Im just...... yeah #i started posting less of my stuff but like i gensrs dont think theres a point to do so im starting to feel like the community just hates m #(which like. fair enough i wouldnt engage with me either) #theres a lot more art that stays in the sketchbook nowadays and the few things that i do post flop anyways so like yknow. who cares #something something create for yourself bs yeah I am creating myself #the process of scanning and balancing the tones to be at least somewhat visible when i post it is For You #i already did the creating for myself but when i share it its cause i want people to see and interact idk idk im being bitchy #should just suck it up and post everything. my 2 note hit posts #its the one thing i miss about being active in the smp fandom like the conversation and response was nice #love how Im complaining about low engagement when Im going through actual horrors in real life like my priorities are whack

[pepprs]

i will shut up abt this i promise but like. the concept of being in a stable safe mutually loving whatever relationship is INSANE . like how can you ever feel bad about yourself or wounded or whatever again. it’s like a superpower or somethi ng. <- doesn’t know what she’s taking abt bc she’s never experienced it or the absence of it after having it merely the negative space of it and is filling in the gaps w logic or something. but it’s INSANE to me. like of course i feel like shit about myself i am catcrumb unloved.jpg!

#purrs #imbeing insane about it i know it’s not that simple / reductive and i will still feel like shit abt myself once im in a relationshp (if i #get to be ♥️) and there are lots of other legitimate reasons to feel shit agtbyiurself. but it’s like no ficking wonder i feel inadequate i #am a 24 year old who lives at home and has never held a hand or whatever next to two 50sometjinf year old married men with pets and phds. of #course i am going to feel inadequate and stupid and lonely. like i canttttt 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂���💀💀💀💀💀💀 and th w worst part is you can’t just go out into #the world saying that and looking for that it has to find you so i will not join any dating apps or whatever but i don’t fucking go anywhere #so im not going to meet anyone and i knowi am so young and stupid and just having a horrible day that is reminding me of horrors. but the #way i am mentally shoving my whole fist in my mouth. OF COURSE I FEEL LIKE SHIT I DONT HAVE A LIFE PARTNER!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE THAT #SAFETY AND STABILITY AND TRUST AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!!!!!! AND I NEVER HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #delete later #like this is what makes me crazy abt parents and kids too and whyi don’t think ihave kids. bc i think (and i know this is wrong / unhealthy) #it is a primal human need to be mutually someone else’s number 1 person and when you have kids it’s like you’re gonna love your partner more #than the kids and then the kids (read: me) watch that and get fucked up over it. but also that could just be me reacting to the UNSPEAKABLE #psychological damage of being a twin. which again is ridiculous bc it’s n out like abuse i just had to share something with someone else si #since before i was born and ofc there was more like actually kind of abusive stuff on top of it LOL but that aside. idk what im saying i #just feel so crazy. the amount of composure it takes me every day to not start SCREAMING with frustration and envy when i see ppl being #RIGHTFULLY DESERVEDLY visibly confident and loved. like ok valentines grinch go sit in the drainage pond forever please. but it’s so crazy #like how are you supposed to go through the world unaware of how much love you’re missing out on because you’re young and then you realize I #it and then somehow you miss the train and you are scared you are going to d*e alone ♥️ im normal

[biolums]

rlly kinda crazy how if u think about it 99% of my interests are like. bpd related and when u take away the stuff that i got into bc i was obsessed w someone like… theres not much there lol. and then im not even interested in it even more like what the fuck do i dooooooooo

#i say this bc im trying to. like heal and not havw unhealthy attachments and like #rlly trying to stop this shit bc im so tired of just like. having a literal fucking ego death everytime the person i like doesnt like me #anyways was like.. just thinking about reading voltron fanfic bc honestly it holds up #and like yea voltron is just like. a thing i like but i only ever watched it in 2020 bc my ex liked it and i just. idk #even stray kids was the same i got into them bc my ex liked them and then more bc of ***** so like #idk #its not that i dont love skz i just feel like. so detatched from my interests rn #i need something that i like because I LIKE IT not bc someone im obseesed with likes it #i guess thats tma rn but tma exists weirdly to me podcasts are just different #idk yeah hi guys i miss u all i feel so weird rn #do not feel like a real person but i am trying to be happy 👍 #jace.txt

[elegyofthemoon]

tbh i think i just need to get into a media thatll shake me to my core the way me revisiting p//andora hearts at a crucial time shook me

#nothing will top how ph means a lot to me seriously adklfakdah #i can talk forever about why oz means a lot to me but why would i do that actually thatd be terrible adslkjfahl #if you need a character thats very very essential to me its oz honestly alsjkdfalkjs #i feel like thats REALLY ALL YOU NEED everyone else is just little snippets #but anyways! #some evil part of my brain is like 'hon//kai can be that for you and im fighting for my life' #'its not allowed to.' #i mean i was already feeling it with ch 9 ex bro i had to go lay down watching kiana in that chapter holy fuck man asdlkfjahl #but yeah idk i feel like....if i was able to dedicate more time to finishing up pt 1 i think honkai COULD have that potential. i sense it #it gives me the same levels of interest as like p//andora hearts and n//ier so 👀 #but yeah anyways. i just need something to shake my life from its pedestal #thats another thing i kinda miss #i think its just that bc of how much all this has drained me #its been harder to really enjoy things that i ACTUALLY enjoy doing #the only thing i got going for me are my dumb comics bc thats low energy + i dont care if it looks super bad theyre funny to me #i guess i just miss being super passionate about interests #augh #snow speaks #i am feeling a lot better now but ig thats only if i just focus on doing things i like