#even when like i literally am so fucking lonely & being around a group of people who i can barely ever talk to will only make me feel worse

[the-sea-speaks]

😔

#rant. kinda #i love my insomnia appearing bc im anxiety about having to admit im likely not going to go to something in like 2 months time #the inherent fear i feel at the thought of inconveniencing someone or disappointing them #even when like i literally am so fucking lonely & being around a group of people who i can barely ever talk to will only make me feel worse #said a few words in the discord yesterday felt like i just irritated them and so nothing will be said for another like 6 months #'friends are easy!' friends are so fucking hard you have no idea #every day i feel like i dont have any and then i feel so so bad for thinking that #but if you barely ever talk to any of them does it actually count? if you're alone 99% of the time #and scared to talk to them are you really friends? idk #im literally fucking 27 years old and im still the lonely kid in the playground with no one to talk to #is this bc of the autism or is it just bc im an overly anxious weirdo? idk anymore

[the-witty-pen-name]

Love is Blind (Part 1)

Eddie Munson x PlusSize!F!Reader

Summary: In a last ditch effort to evade the normal disappointments of dating, a group of misfits desperate to have someone see who they are on the inside volunteer for the most recent brain chemistry study at Hawkins Lab. 

Word Count: 3.1k

Warnings: Reader has low self-esteem and struggles with self love/acceptance, anxiety/trauma related to bullying, tooth rot worthy fluff, Eddie being a major flirt, cursing, mentions of substance use, brief descriptions of masturbation, smut in later parts 

A/N: I got this idea from watching the newest season of Love is Blind and getting genuinely annoyed that the show still doesn’t have a more size inclusive dating pool. I feel like the show  could be so much more. There are many subjects the show could be featuring that it just doesn’t. Anyways, this is incredibly self-indulgent, Eddie Munson loves plus size women and I refuse to accept otherwise. Enjoy!

Please consider reblogging/commenting if you like it!

Day One: 

Eddie’s palms are sweaty, and he nervously wipes his hands on his jeans repeatedly. He bounces his leg, twisting the rings on his fingers. Fuck, what the hell is he even doing here? He’s sitting on a couch, facing a blank wall, and he’s absolutely scared shitless that he’s finally doing this. Hell, if it bombs, he gets some cash for participating. Whatever, it’s not like he actually believes in this shit. 

He’s up and pacing the room when he finally hears a door on the other side of the wall open and close. He literally jumps over from the back of the couch to get back in his seat. He can hear the faint patter of someone walking. Then it stops, he assumes the person on the other side has taken a seat.

“This is so weird,” the voice from the other side of the wall says, and Eddie feels immediately at ease. He chuckles, shaking his head, standing up to walk the pent up energy out. 

“Batshit,” Eddie exclaims in agreement. “I don’t know what I’m even doing here.”

“I’m here for the $200,” the voice jokes. “But that’s just me.”

He’s instantly relaxed, and suddenly, it doesn’t feel like he’s sitting alone in a drafty room on a lumpy couch. He’s intrigued, and ready to play the game. At least, he’s open to this first conversation. He feels a little better knowing that he’s not alone. He sits down finally, rubbing his hands still. 

“I’m here,” he begins, allowing himself to be a little vulnerable, “because I am sick of the way people look at me.”

“Fuck, amen to that,” the voice responds with a clap, and the reaction makes Eddie grin from ear to ear. “Guys are so shallow, no offense.” He laughs.

“I’m not usually this outgoing,” the voice shares, sounding a little more reserved, “There’s something about you not looking at me that's making me a little more brave.” Eddie thinks this girl sounds so incredibly sweet. He’s never been attracted to someone’s voice, but he’s feeling himself being pulled in. It’s gentle, and kind and not deserving of whatever the world did to you to lead you here. 

“Well, I’m used to being the spectacle,” Eddie sighs, leaning back into the couch, slumping down. “I can’t help it,” he exhales, “I mean, people think the worst of me no matter what I do, so like, fuck it. I’m gonna have fun with it.” 

“Is that all of it?” the voice asks, knowingly. Eddie scoffs at the perception. Is he that obvious?

“No,” he cringes, and he hears a giggle from the other side of the wall. It helps him feel more comfortable. “Um honestly,” he continues, a little shy, “Part of me keeps the act up cause if people are watching me, I’m not alone. I’d rather be the laughing stock than have no one acknowledge me at all.” 

“I’m the opposite,” the voice shares, “I’d so much rather be out of sight out of mind.” 

“Doesn’t that get lonely?” he asks softly. 

“In my experience,” the voice continues, “it has always felt like people keep me around so they feel better about themselves. I know that’s not true- I know my friends love me. I just- being by myself is my comfort zone. I don’t need to worry about how I’m like being perceived. Or if, like, I'm being judged.” 

Eddie nods understandingly, until he remembers you can’t see him. 

“I get it,” he says, trying to be comforting. “I, uh, yeah.. People don’t like… they don’t like understand what it feels like when you just feel simultaneously so small and like you take up too much space- and how they’re the ones that make you feel that way.” 

“Wow- I’ve never heard it put into words so well before. That’s just been my life, you know?”

“We’re really getting deep huh?” he jokes, chest swelling with pride when he hears the laugh. 

“I really like your voice,” the voice admits, and Eddie feels his face heat and he’s sure his face is flushed red from the compliment. His ego has been very much stroked at this point, and he takes the opportunity to fully embrace this whole flirting thing. If he can at least leave this experiment making someone feel good, then he won’t consider this a waste of time. 

“Well, I really like your voice,” he quips. “Actually, uh- I’ve been sitting over here, on a really shitty couch. And I was asking myself what the hell was I doing here? I am probably the worst person for this experiment- I don’t think I could take this seriously. Then, I heard your voice- and I instantly felt attracted to you- if you can believe it. Now, I’m over here, your voice bringing out thing I would never fucking say out loud. I’m pacing around, you’ve made a mess of me.” 

It feels like only a short period of time goes by, but in actuality, Eddie and his mystery date get wrapped up in talking for over three hours. He talks to her about music, his favorite books, his Uncle Wayne… sharing more about himself to a total stranger than he’d ever volunteer to even his close friends. You swap childhood stories, commiserate over bullies, and before he knows it, he thinks you might know him better than anyone. 

A timer buzzes and it’s time for Eddie to move on to his next first “date.” As the door opens and one of the technicians is ready to escort him to the next room. He desperately stares at the wall before he moves, hoping to hear the voice one more time. 

“Please, if you’re still there,” he says standing up, “I want to talk with you again tomorrow.” He knocks on the wall, rings tapping. He receives a knock back, and he grins devilishly, 

“It’s a date.” 

The technician taps his shoulder and he nods, letting them lead him out to the next room. He wraps an arm around the mousy guy as he jots down something on his clipboard. “I have a date tomorrow,” Eddie beams, looking back at the blank wall like he’s looking back to get another glance at you. 

Day Two:

You still tug anxiously at your shirt, making sure it’s not clinging to your belly. Even though none of your dates can see you, you can’t shake the self conscious feeling. Yesterday was draining, all of the dates you had fell so short after that first one. Nothing came as easy to you as that first one, and you’re hoping you’ll get to talk to him soon. 

You take a sip of your water, and opt to move from the couch to the floor. You sit criss-crossed and stare at the wall in front of you. You really focus on your breathing and try to let yourself open up. You’re here because you’re hoping to find someone who likes you for you- but no matter what, you’re still incredibly anxious thinking about the big reveal. No matter how well the conversations go, you worry it will be null and void once they see you’re plus size. 

“Please, please, please for the love of God that this is finally you?” you hear a familiar voice whine, and you can’t contain your smile. “Pretty girl, c’mon talk to me.”

“You don’t know what I look like,” you scoff, but still, you feel yourself still melting like putty. 

“Fuck, finally,” mystery boy sighs, and you hear him collapse on the couch. You can only assume his set-up is the same as yours. “Baby, I have been dying to hear your voice again.”

“This experiment not working out for you?” you ask, sympathetically. You find it hard to believe he’s not chatting up everyone else and hitting on them the same way he does with you. It’s the only explanation. You can’t let yourself believe he genuinely feels differently towards you. 

“No this sucks,” he says, and then you hear him blow a raspberry. You can’t help it but laugh in agreement. “I just want to talk to you.” He sounds so vulnerable, and you actually find yourself believing him. 

“Again,” you retort, rolling your eyes, “You don’t really know anything about me.” 

“I want to,” he sounds so sincere, and it makes your heart swell. “You are the least boring person here.” 

“I’m touched,” you reply sarcastically, and you feel good hearing that you made him laugh. 

“I wish I could take you out,” he says and he sounds closer, like he’s sitting up against the wall. “I’ve got like no fucking money,” he laughs. 

“I hate going out,” you reassure him, “I want to just hangout with you.”

“No, no, no,” he says dramatically, “No safe zone. You deserve to go out and be shown off. I am not gonna lock you away from the world, I’m gonna show you off.”

“And how are you gonna do that?” You quip, letting yourself slip into a little bit of a fantasy. You let yourself feel wanted and feel desirable even if it’s contained to this room. 

“Well, not to be like that guy,” he’s suddenly sounding a little shy and you find it very endearing. “But like, I’d want to bring you to one of my band’s shows. Like- don’t get me wrong, we play at like really shitty bars that take way too long to drive to. And we don’t even make back the money the gas costs to get there, but like, I really like it and um, that’s uh when I feel I’m at my best, and I’d want you to see that side of me.” 

“So what does bringing girls to a show look like for you?” you ask nervously, feeling a little twinge of jealousy that he may have done this before with someone else. 

“Sweetheart,” he chuckles, “if I was capable of getting girls out in the wild do you think I would’ve signed up for this?” You laugh a little. “Trust me,” he further explains, “This is not something I never imagined I could do before talking to you.”

“Okay, okay, I take it back,” you reply, and you're sure he can hear your smile through the wall. “Let me rephrase,” you say, taking a deep breath, “What does bringing me to a show look like?”

“Well,” he exhales, “I’d pick you up, in my really nice and not sketchy at all van that doesn’t make any questionable noises. I usually drive the guys too but honestly, fuck them, I want us to have time together. I don’t mind telling them to pound sand. And don’t feel bad for them, they’re also kind of assholes.” 

You can’t help but giggle, noticing he tends to have that effect on you. He makes you nervous in a really good way, and you try hard to fight it, but you worry that it’s no use. As much as you find yourself really enjoying mystery boy’s company, you can’t help but let that fear creep in that all of this will go away if he ever sees you. 

“But anyways,” he continues, “I’ll admit it, I’m a little bit of a show off. And I know if you were there watching me, I’d just like be putting my all into it. I would really try hard to impress you. I’d also want the pricks there to know you’re with me so no one bothers you, so as much as I know you’d hate it, I would point you out and tell the whole place you’re there with me.” 

Your face is so warm, and you can’t hold back the cheesy smile that has expanded across your whole face. You can’t believe a guy would be genuinely that proud to have you there with him. You really do think that he’s being genuine, and it makes your heart soar. 

“I’m really surprised you don’t have girls fawning over you, rockstar,” you smile, wanting to make him feel special too. Even if this crashes and burns, you can tell he’s a sweet guy. You can see that maybe he’ll let you down gently. You don’t know why your insecurities hold you down this much. You, more than anyone, get in the way of your own happiness. You’re determined to not let it affect you this deeply. You resolve to let yourself see how this goes, and to throw yourself into it- willing to get hurt. 

“Trust me,” he scoffs, “I am not what you’re thinking I am. I’m not like that guy, I’m more awkward than anything. I think girls are more interested in the football star guys, the future suits, you know? Guys with a haircut and go to college- They don’t want to waste their time with a going nowhere punk.” 

“I really don’t think that’s true,” you speculate, “There’s no one with a poster of Jack Welch on their wall- but every girl I know has a picture of Eddie VanHalen.” 

“Is there like a peephole in here or something?” He says jokingly, knocking on the wall, like he’s looking for one. “Or are you just a psychic or something?” 

“What are you even talking about?” You chuckle, raising an eyebrow, confused. You shake your head, but before you can’t get clarification, the buzzer sounds, marking the end of your time with him for today. 

“NOOO,” you hear him dramatically exhale. A muffled voice, your assuming is one of the lab techs must be exhausted. 

You press your hand to the wall, as your form of an intimate goodbye as the technician holds the door open for you. You get up from your spot and head out, excited to come back tomorrow for another round of dates. 

Leaving Hawkins Lab, each test subject needs to stagger there exits as to not risk accidentally seeing the other candidates. You are in a small waiting room, doing your daily exit interview with one of the neuroscientists. 

*** 

Under the agreement you signed when you volunteered for the experiment, you are not permitted to go to any locations where people socialize and congregate. You’re not permitted to go anywhere where you may accidentally see or meet one of the other subjects. You are required to only go out on necessary errands such as grocery shopping or appointments. 

On the drive back to your apartment, your mind keeps overplaying the worst case scenarios your anxiety keeps conjuring. You know the whole point of the experiment is to see if love, or whatever trumps physical attraction. If hypothetically, someone does fall in love with you- your appearance shouldn’t be a factor. However, it’s not wrong for you to want your partner to be attracted to you. And you acknowledge physical attraction is a thing and if you aren’t someone’s type that isn’t bad either. Your past experiences and unresolved childhood traumas surrounding your appearance and self-esteem, makes it difficult to allow yourself to see that you are actually desirable. 

Although unknown to you, a lot of people in this experiment feel the exact same way. Not fitting into the box society wants to slot them in has made dating incredibly difficult for many. There’s a comfort knowing everyone there supposedly wants the same thing as you, just to be loved. You weren’t sure going in that you would even make connections with anyone. At first, it felt like low stakes- worst case scenario you walk away no better off than before. But, you didn’t anticipate actually hitting it off with someone like you have, and it’s opened a whole new set of fears. 

***

At his trailer, Eddie just stares up at the vent in the ceiling above his bed. He blows out another puff of smoke and watches as it swirls and wafts up into the air around him. His thoughts are consumed entirely with you. He watches how the smoke from his blunt mixes with the smoke of his burning incense and his mind drifts, just completely fixated on how the minutes on the clock tick by until he can talk to you again. 

He wonders if you’re thinking about him, the same way he’s thinking about you. He wonders if you’re trying to picture what he looks like the same way he’s making guesses about you. He thinks about if you smoke, and he imagines what it’d be like if he was sharing this with you. Thinking about what it would look like, your lips around the joint, blowing out smoke from what he imagines is just a sexy mouth. He can’t help but close his eyes and let a little frustrated groan escape at the thought. 

He can’t picture the entirety of you, but more so he can imagine just your presence in his room. He imagines the feeling of someone laying beside him, smooth skin he can run his hands across, the warmth radiating off of another body in his bed. He has your voice in his head, wishing you were talking to him now. 

With his eyes closed, joint put aside on his ashtray, he imagines it’s your hands tugging down his jeans, and it’s your hand wrapping around his hard cock that’s staining the band of his boxers now. He thinks about your laugh, and that adorable giggle of yours, and how much he can bask in the fact that it’s him who elicits those reactions from you. He thinks about the sweet voice, the flirty fluctuations of your tone when you warmed up to him. He imagines you using that same voice to tease him if you were here, seeing just how much of a mess you’ve made of him. 

He’s never been able to get off without some kind of visual aid, so to speak, before. Now, he’s practically whimpering just thinking about the sound of your voice and thinking about your hands on him. He thinks about the feeling of your hands working his length up and down. He imagines how playful it would be, rolling around on this bed with you as the layers you're both wearing come off. He doesn’t even need to try to think about what you look like to feel aroused by you. He doesn’t even care in the slightest at this moment. 

He’s so needy, twitching as he feels himself get closer, and he thinks about what you would be whispering in his ear to get him to finish. He imagines the praise, and the way you would be begging for his cum. He realizes he doesn’t even know your name, as he’s hit with the urge to call it out. 

“Fuck, pretty girl,” he moans instead, working himself up to his release. He keeps moaning out his little nickname for you until he’s made a mess of his shirt and he’s gasping to catch his breath as his orgasm extracted all the energy from his body. 

Tomorrow, he resolves, he needs to learn your name. 

PART TWO

#eddie munson x you #eddie munson smut #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x plus size!reader #eddie munson x plus size!reader smut #eddie munson x y/n #stranger things fan fic #eddie munson stranger things #plussize!reader #eddie munsons x F!reader #joseph quinn #joseph quinn characters #joseph quinn stranger things #joseph quinn eddie munson #smut #mutal pining #eddie munson series

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

i don't know how to sum this up. i haven't slept in four days.

...this is gonna be a long one and im sorry. also literally every fucking one in this whole thing minus V is autistic, i don't know how, but them's the facts.

background info: around... some 8 years ago maybe, my truly BELOVED friend M (today 31F) started hanging out with a new friend group her then-friend S (31F now) had introduced her to.

(i (31 genderqueer) didn't know M then. i do know she was very lonely.)

so. S has introduced M to her friend group, and M hangs out with them for about... two years?, but, as far as i understand, S is the go-between here. M asks S what plans they have on weekends, S calls M when there's plans on weekends, that sort of thing.

what happens is: at one point S's girlfriend, V, starts flirting with M. heavily. in front of S. S VERY MATURELY decides that the solution to this is obviously to start telling M there's never plans on weekends while telling the friend group M is never free on weekends. shitty move, i think we can all agree.

and M ends up alone. she's never heard from a single one of any of those other people ever again. ever.

now. M, OBVIOUSLY and i think with good enough reason, HATES S.

but.

1) it's not S's fault M is no longer friends with the whole group, like M thinks it is. it's just not. if they had wanted to keep hanging out with her, very simply, they would have. S didn't even explicitly ask or tell them not to hang out with M, nor did she talk shit about M to get them to leave her out. and want to know why we know all this? it's because after (AFTER!) S and V broke up, M and V dated for like, three months, and V told M. what S did was shit and immature, but not like. extreme.

2) we don't know if S even knew how lonely M was/was gonna be. in my understanding of what's right or wrong, this is KIND OF REALLY important. the intention, the meanness, the ability to knowingly isolate someone to that degree. jealousy is one thing, being genuinely mean is another.

3) all of this happened 10 years ago. TEN. YEARS. they were like, 20. fetuses. we're all queer, they were all navigating the first romantic experiences, shit happens. S was shit but S also could have become a better person in these TEN YEARS. we just don't know.

OTHER background info: ive known S for like, 10 years, and she's someone VERY interesting who i've always liked (not romantically), but she's not my friend.

ok, and now. fast forward to last week. M & i & F1 (27F, my bestie, M's friend) go to a pub. S is there, says hi to me, hi to M (which. like at least apologize or something. but ok) (at this point i have no idea they even knew each other btw), S & i talk a bit like we always do, M goes home (i suspect nothing), S & F1 & i hang out, next thing u know F1 and S start to date and S and i become better friends.

(where i absolutely am the A: apparently, at some point M told me what S did to her. before we met S at the pub? after? i have NO memory of any of this.)

M wants nothing to do with S, as is her right. but at this point F1 is dating her and im making plans to like, watch clone wars with her. M tells me & F1 the whole story (tells again, in my case), tells us she has no problems with us hanging out with S but again, please can we not force them together, which, ofc, i tell her about our star wars plans and like, she's chill, she says yeah sure go for it, she jokes around about how S knows lots of people and we gotta use her to get another friend a girlfriend, shit like that.

forward again. one sunday morning, M asks me to hang out. that sunday just so happens to be clone wars day with S & F1. i tell her. she goes BALLISTIC. like, tachycardia, tunnel vision, palpitations, she's fully ready to never talk to me again because "i can't ask [me] to not hang out with S because that would be toxic, but i just CAN'T be around S, so here we go again, she's gonna steal my friend [me] (...i don't think M cares too much about losing F1, they're not that close), im losing control of the situation, the only way for me to stay in control is to choose to cut off [me] right here and now, so that's what ill do, goodbye forever". and she spends the WHOLE DAY in this frenzy (completely unbeknownst to me!), with multiple people trying to calm her down and like, get her to talk to me. (which OF COURSE the next day she ends up doing, because she loves me, she's just. very autistic.) anyway, at this point (sunday evening) ive been made aware of the situation with M, so i had F2 (F31, she's a mutual close friend who was acting as a kinda peacemaker) tell M i was there for her & ready to talk whenever, and we meet up on monday evening, i get apologized to (M had like, blocked me on all social media 😂) for the whole... overreaction, especially after id been told it was ok to see S, and M officially asks me to stop hanging out with S. i try to tell her "can i ask S about, idk, what was going on in her brain back then". she starts to hedgehog up on me so i shut tf up.

here i am the A again: i know M very well. i should have known it would not actually be okay to see S. i just should have. i do know her.

here i... can't tell how much of an A i might be: i don't want to tell S to fuck off. i WANT to talk to S, figure out how much of an actual irredeemable asshole she is, and only in that case tell her to fuck off. the 3 points i made at the start of this papyrus are still valid. also i think it's kind of fair to give her the right to like, defend herself? explain herself? before i go full ghost on her

... its like this. it's not like i care about S. not to be mean but she's no one to me. i just would like her to BE someone to me, cause she seems cool.

i have few friends. i would like one more friend.

i also made friends with a friend of S, T (can't remember age NB). they're the only other genderqueer person i know irl. id like to get to know them. (also they're kind of cute but that's genuinely not that important lol, i just like to make this post Even Longer). i wouldn't get to know T if i did what M wants (needs?) me to.

and let's not forget S is currently dating my close friend F1. just to put icing on the cake.

then again, i adore M. my loyalty to her SHOULD be more important than two people who are, again, no one to me. i should just tell F1, sorry, i won't hang out with ur gf, like ill be civil to her but i won't pursue a friendship with her. because i don't NEED to. i don't NEED these friendships. i would just LIKE them.

if S turns out to BE an asshole who hurt M on purpose, it's great, it's golden. problem solved. ill tell her she's shit and, i mean, F1 will probably break up with her too. no one gained or lost anything from a whole shebang were i haven't slept in like 4 days and got a stress herpes or whatever it's called, it's cool, it happens, go us.

but if S is... justifiable? understandable? NOT a dick? i don't feel i have an actual reason to delete her number. would i, for M? probably, yeah, but i don't WANT to.

F1 says im a doormat. F2 says im basically a monster and how could i do this to M when there's plant of other friendly fish in the sea.

AITA?

and while we're at it, if someone feels like giving advice... what do i do?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[mbti-enemies]

hey there guys, I wanna ask for advice on something if you're cool with it

I've always found the ships between INFPs and ENTJs so intriguing, they make such good dynamic tropes in theory and I wondered if it'd actually work well in real life

So I've got a new job recently and there is this girl there who's an ENTJ, she's got sharp cheekbones and dimples, tanned skin, long black hair, the prettiest shaped dark eyes I've ever seen, and she's so damn funny, wit, intelligent, bold, confident...

and GOSH, I'm just so very gay

She's so out of my league I didn't even consider anything actually working out, besides I've always been more inclined towards XNFXs, I just have the best past experiences and connections with them, but this girl's got me on my knees.

My colleagues are always hanging out together and they call me to tag along with them, I'm usually introspective and prefer small groups or one-to-one hangouts, but I don't wanna seem rude or antisocial, so I go, specially because I was/am new there and I'm not against making friends.

This girl - we'll call her Nell - came up to me and asked for my Instagram on my first day there and we had this conversation

Nell, scrolling through my acc: you don't post pictures of yourself?

Me: no, I'm not photogenic

Nell: oh please, spare me the BS, I look at you and my mind goes "she looks just like a dream, the prettiest girl I've ever seen" (yes she fucking sang that)

My reaction was basically the personification of a keyboard smash.

From there we became friends and she kept boldly flirting with me, leaving no space for doubts that she was flirting. But me, being the oblivious insecure dingus that I am, thought it was all a joke, like a friendly flirting, I don't know, I'm socially awkward, give me a break

I think she's only around me because she thinks I look cute, and I feel like if she actually gets to know me she won't like me anymore and that terrifies me, she's so WOW, and I'm so no big deal.

Anyways, yesterday we were preparing a birthday party for a co-worker when she came from behind me and turned my face to her as though she was gonna kiss me, she did it before but she never actually went for it, so I leaned in myself and pulled back before actually touching her lips, she widened her eyes and her jaw dropped slightly

Everyone was like "oh my god, were you actually gonna do it?", "I can't believe you missed the opportunity, she was literally right there", "were you about to make out?" and she replied with "not in front of everyone, give a girl some privacy" then she looked at me, "I wouldn't mind a kiss rn tho" pulled me by the waist, LEANED IN AND KISSED ME, it was just a quick peck, but still. then she pulled back and went "is this ok?" and I replied by kissing her back.

I don't know where I took that confidence from, but that's not the point

I HEKEHSKDGWKHSJDEH guys, I'm not good with this socialising thing, I've never dated anyone before, I never give people opening to actually get to know me or get closer, I've always been lonely (partially by choice), I have abandonment/trust issues, and yes, I go to therapy. Been recently diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, which fucks everything else that much more, I have no idea what I'm doing, but I really like this girl

It's just, I don't know, help me, please, what do I do? what's the way for an ENTJs heart? :D

...... soooo anon

you already have the entjs heart im pretty sure. i think what you need is a self confidence and self love boost so here is *boosts you (you sounds SWEET and AMAZING and LOVELY and you like her so beautifully and what more could she ask for)

anyways, i understand that you're scared. but you respect entj, as well as crush on her, so respect her decision to like you ;)

respect her liking you and let her decide whether you're good enough for her (you so are btw shut up already), open up, and just ask this girl out. if you like her, that's enough, it really is.

literally just go ask her out do it shoo everyone is rooting for you and the girl already kissed you infp what more of a sign could you POSSIBLY ask for. give us an update after <3

#girllllll #infp #entj #edit: check the comments

[these-conquered-woodlands]

the wonderful women of hp as incorrect quotes

hermione: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof, or something. ginny, grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion-proof?

-

young minerva, pre-animagus: I wish I was a cat, but not in a furry way, more like a “I can sleep all day and hit people with no consequences” kinda way.

-

Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut? lily: Preferably with scissors, but a sword would be awesome.

-

bellatrix: When life gives you lemons, what do you do? narcissa: Make lemonade- bellatrix: No, throw them back up in the sky and make life deal with it’s own shit. narcissa:

-

albus: Am I right, minerva? minerva: I’m almost certain you’re not, but to be fair, I don't bother listening to you anymore.

-

cho: War is ...heck.

-

madam pomfrey: *pulls out a rifle* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat.

-

bellatrix: If you don't stop this nonsense, I'm going to jump out of that window. andromeda: ...We're on the ground floor. bellatrix: I know but I want a dramatic exit.

-

hermione: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird? luna: Yes, and that’s coming from me.

-

tonks: I have met some of the most insufferable people. But they also met me.

-

madam pomfrey: Why Minerva, are you talking to yourself? minerva: Yes minerva: It’s the only way to have an intelligent conversation in this damn castle.

-

andromeda: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY) narcissa: What's that? andromeda: Remorse code. narcissa: I'm even angrier now.

-

hermione: Fruits that do not live up to their names; passionfruit, grapefruit, honeydew and dragonfruit. hermione: Fruits that do live up to their names? hermione: Orange.

-

cho: I hate when people ask me, 'What did you do today?' Buddy listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don't KNOW!

-

alice, skipping rocks on a lake with lily: It’s such a beautiful evening. lily: (under her breath) Take that you fucking lake.

-

walburga, on sirius: My expectations were low but shiiiiiiiiiiiittttt.

-

alice: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.

-

ginny: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately." How are elephants more advanced than us? hermione: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."

-

minerva: Don’t weep for the stupid. You’ll be crying all day.

-

luna: Can I have 2 straws with that milkshake? cho: Aww- luna: With 2 straws, I can drink it double as fast!

-

bellatrix: Maybe the real monster was the friends we both literally and figuratively murdered along the way.

-

ginny: You’re charged with…..breaking into a pet store? luna: I thought the animals might be lonely.

-

molly, waking up her kids, slamming pots and pans together to the rhythm of "Give it to me, I'm worth it": I didn't get no sleep cause a' y'all! Y'all never gonna sleep cause a' me!

-

minerva: I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

-

lavender: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

-

narcissa: I'm going to ask you to be respectful. andromeda: And I will respectfully decline.

-

cho: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it. cho: That's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.

-

lily, furious: What do you mean we have homework tonight? I have books to read.

-

mad-eye: Can we talk about that letter you sent to the group? tonks: Why? It was important. mad-eye: All it says is, "I'm back on my bullshit". tonks, shrugging: The people need to know.

-

andromeda: If I can't cause near ruin and disgrace for my family everyday just by existing, I think I'll collapse from the shame.

-

luna: I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, and you're forced to go to school and get education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck? No one ever asked me if I want to be a duck.

-

lily: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test! alice: Ok, , I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918? lily: 1917. alice: ...You're ready.

-

ginny, to draco: If you can ever manage to get over yourself, I would highly recommend being me.

-

madam pomfrey: Why are we so awesome? minerva: That's the best goddamn question anyone's ever asked.

#there isn't much about some of them so i made everyone feral #lily potter #hermione granger #lily evans #luna lovegood #cho chang #lavender brown #minerva mcgonagall #alice longbottom #andromeda tonks #bellatrix black #narcissa black #walburga black

[powerpolyculeshowdown]

oof yeah, the person who put hsy down? that’s upsetting. esp since hsy is my favourite and the only reason i preserved throughout a lot of the arcs was the promise of seeing more hsy later on. i want to give hsy some love now so i’ll be writing hsy focused yhk propaganda !! (bc i can’t stand seeing hate simmer and sit there unresolved. i get the other person might just prefer yjh and kdj, or they might just dislike hsy in general. and that’s fine !! just,, not here please?)

hsy is a pathetic cringefail but so are the other two it’s fine. we love them the way they are !! even if they’re all terrible at communication. she IS pretty btw, not as pretty as the other character canonically maybe. but i am charmed by her little mole and her silly short hair. i need the other two to also be charmed by her little mole. she needs kisses, i mean like all of yhk needs kisses and hugs and affection so like. but like she also needs love and affection and it’s heart wrenching how much she loves and cares for kdj. again i can’t say for yoohan but they’re like, the besties who you think could not be besties but they are. like what if we were both touch starved people and the other touch starved person we mutually love and care for is being a fucking idiot again… but yoohan is also what if i annoyed you so much we would get into an arguments every ten seconds. BUT ALSO what if instead of giving into ur violent desires you should go along with my annoying schemes. domestic yoohan is also great, gremlin loser and her malewife who refuses to let her eat her lemon lollipops.

hankim is like horrible. they make me sick (/affectionate). like why… how can you fit so much longing and affection and loyalty and gratitude….., how can you stand that? how can you choose a single person over everyone else? (this again, extends to yjh and kdj’s relationship. this polyship is rlly just a triangle of longing and want and affection and loyalty and gratitude.) sighs, the things yoohankim does for each other… genuinely, i don’t think anyone could do the things they did if they didn’t genuinely care for and love each other. the way that they genuinely, could not have done the things they did if they didn’t have so much love and affection and care for each other… yoohankim…. you utter fools…. what are you doing……

hsy being purposefully annoying and irritating to the people around her bc she quite literally doesn’t know how to properly express stuff and she would rather show everyone why they should leave so at least when everyone /does/ leave her she can say it was on purpose… she’s so so lonely. and she sees these other lonely idiots and goes “huh” and tries to drive them away bc being alone is easier and nobody actually cares for her and getting people to leave on her own accord is easier to handle than people leaving on their own… but these lonely idiots just keep accidentally bumping into her instead of permanently leaving and oh god now she’s roped into all this shit but fuck. they’re actually growing on her and oh god what is this does she actually care for them? it’s horrible it’s embarrassing. until she finally gets it in her head that some of these people actually does care for her. and now there’s this spark of loyalty and care. she wants these losers to survive with her, no matter how much she acts as though it’s only for her own interests (which is a part of things but i think she genuinely does want the safety of these ragtag group of losers she’s been roped into, why else would she stick around? even at times when it would be better to go and do things alone?) she cares, she cares so much, she cares so much because she’s been alone for so long and there are people who finally care abt her and she cares too. in fact she cares so much, esp for kdj bc in all honesty kdj might’ve been her first friend? she cares so little for the world, and cares so much abt the people closest to her… she would give the world to kdj… she is so, so tired of these idiots. she loves these idiots too much. she wants love and she gets it …..

ok that last paragraph ended up more abt hsy rather than yhk BUT!! i just love her…. (also take my words with a grain of salt. i still haven’t finished the webnovel my info is half from the source and half from reading spoilers of people sobbing and crying and also maybe a quarter of it is self projection)

in conclusion: yoohankim r idiots. they are fools, they throw caution to the wind. they lose so so much for each other. and i love them all so much.

-Toon (going to sign off on all my asks now to make things easier)

god the amount of love you put into this... thats really sweet and i love her too now.

again, idk if the person putting her down actually hates her, its hard to read intent through text, maybe they were making fun of her affectionately? it read as hatred to me hut i could be misinterpreting.

that said i adora asks like this, people just pouring their her out for the ship or character they care so much about 💖💖

#ppspropaganda #long post

[ina-nis]

Unfortunately, I enjoy my individual peace more than the "greater good" of a community nowadays.

I'm not sure if that makes me self-centered or insufferable or what, really. All I know is that the more I try to rationalize and understand things like... being able to be around all kinds of people, or things like not closing oneself into an echo-chamber where your own values are never questioned, or things like literally avoiding discomfort, among other things... these make me wonder just how much growth-through-duress I'm supposed to be doing?

Because it feels as if I'm only able to evolve and become a better person if I'm dealing with uncomfortable things? If I'm trying to push myself past my limits, and so on.

Well, if I have learned one thing in all my years trying to socialize and connect with all kinds of people in all kinds of places is that, if I had listened to my "gut feelings," if I had trusted what I saw/heard that made me question whether that was a good or safe place for me to be, if I had not gone with the flow and forced myself, and actually listened to what I wanted to do... I would not be as traumatized as I am today.

So, as I heal more and more, these kinds of things, situations, places and people become more intolerable for me.

Like that time I cut myself out of an entire group of friends over one person, because I could not be in the same space without feeling upset or triggered and that didn't get any better after a whole year of me forcing myself - very similar to situations that have happened in the past, too.

Like more recent examples, too: connecting with seemingly safe people, that I could not entirely trust but I still gave it a try because I imagined that would be the way to form a good connection (instead of being always so strict and burning bridges too soon), and inevitably getting hurt when they turn their back at me and actively attack me when conflict arises - that could have not happened if I had not tried to maintain the connection I knew it was not safe from the start.

All in all, there's this constant feeling of "you need to be able to be around everyone" while noticing just how many people are absolutely horrible to have in your life, which goes exactly against that sentiment.

Do I really need to be able to be around everyone?

I don't think so, nor do I want such thing.

One thing I have noticed about the kinds of people who spout such nonsense is that they either seemed to not have dealt with complex trauma, and/or they have some kind of support system in place acting as a buffer. Of course, in their eyes, my choice to protect myself and keep away from many things means I'm just in some echo-chamber and will never be able to truly heal, since I'm not willing to put myself through duress, right?

I can't exactly afford to keep on being re-traumatized, or healing-through-duress. I need positive reinforcement more than anything, I need healthy connections with clear communication... being around assholes is truly the last thing I need to get better, and I don't even think I need that, to be honest.

I would rather preserve my peace, yes. Even when that means loneliness. I have had more than enough hurt from incompatible (and oftentimes, actively harmful) connections, but more than that...

I need those quality connections, relationships I deserve, people that will not hurt me anymore, people than are able to fucking communicate as the bare minimum of standard I'm putting out there.

If that's not possible, I want my peace even if it's lonely.

I don't want to go through any more bullshit discomfort in the name of some twisted sense of a "community."

The social needs I'm trying to fulfill stand much closer to my heart - something no community will ever able to reach, even if these communities could serve as the gateway to building precious connections.

My peace is much more important to me than community.

#loneliness #inanis post

[inkedmyths]

S2: E3 "Bloodlust"

Brought to you by I PROMISED Kayla yesterday I would watch more when I finished my essay so here I am

This episode featuring: Yet another member of the hunting community, veganism in a fashion, deep discussion on Dean and cowboys, and great fuckin music

Oh whats this song I think I know it

Is that Journey

Is that. Wheel in the Sky?

IT IS FUCK YEAAAA

Jammin I fuckin love this song. Great start

Oh look a scared woman in the woods. Seems standard

Is that the Benadryl Hat Man

Crepe: The What Kayla: probably

Why are you moving around the tree like that

OFF WITH HER HEAD!

OHHHH YEAH FUCK YEAH I LOVE THE SOUNDTRACK ON THIS EP! BACK IN BLACK AC/DC!!

[ Kayla reiterates that the SPN soundtrack is good. I like 70's ans 80's rock so I agree so far. ]

Dean: Woo car! Decapitated heads! Helllll yea!

Kayla: man's two true loves

Lmaoooo

I love them being terrible fake journalists

The cop: SATANISTS? LMAOOOO

Crepe: Everyone loves a Satanist Kayla: title of a black sabbath song Crepe: Really? Kayla: no just a joke Crepe: Oh

Wooo funky impersonations we're goin fast this episode

"Open it" "You open it" Lmaoooo

EWWW TOOTH? FANG???

VAMPIRE??

Whats goin on heeeere are the cowboy vampires back

[ Crepe replies saying it's worse, but at least has the kindness to spoiler hide the rest of the message. It just hid the word Vegan though. ]

[ Then Melon pops in, stating the time in his zone and expressing a worry for my sleep schedule. I told her it's fine, and that I actually am the furthest behind in terms of timezones amongst the group, as it was only a quarter til 9 pm at the time of that message. Not that xey shouldn't worry about my sleep schedule, because it is horrendous, but that's besides the point. ]

"So we're lookin for some people" "Sure it's hard to be lonely"

Ok so that guys gone. Watching them for sure

Yep

They're waiting for him?

Whshshs ok ok whats he want anyways

[ It is about this point where Melon, Crepe, and Kayla digress into some conversation regarding cowboys, vampires, and the resulting combination being a dilemma for Dean and his sexuality. Fascinating stuff, but I wasn't really paying attention as I was engrossed in whatever the Winchesters were doing onscreen. I will, however, transcribe it as well, because I think it's funnier that way. ]

Melon: Do you think cowboy vampires act as a paradox for deans concept of reality. One is something he desperately craves to be, and the other he hates some of the time. It’s like, the taping a piece of toast with jam to a shoe and throwing it. Which overrides the other? Crepe: That would be a very interesting take to explore Kayla: one of them is a kink and the other is vampiress

OHHH yeah hes a hunter?

Ok. Ok he's a little. Seems neat but. Idk. Brushes them off pretty fast. Hm.

Sure of himself? Or something else?

Ok garage guy. You gonna get murked orrrr

Crepe: Why is Dean into cowboys tho? Kayla: have you seen him interact with one heterosexually ever

What are you even looking for

Oh its a bird

Melon: But if faced with something you’re technically supposed to kill but is literally every kink you could ever want besides that one thing, what would dean do Kayla: fuck and kill probably. thats how they seem to usually operate Melon: Ok yeah you’re right Crepe: Monsterfucker and Monsterhunter

OOHHG FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Why is a vampire working a garage

[ Kayla says its a capitalist hellscape, even vampires need the money. Which. Fair. Gotta pay for those replacement clothes when you get blood on them I guess. ]

AAAAAAAA

Oh hey theres the Winchesters

Ewwwww chainsaw blood spatter. Kinda a look for Dean tho

[ Kayla and Melon both agree with this statement. ]

Sam whats up with that look. Problem that your brother chainsawed a vampire's head off

Melon: Dean at peak is covered in blood, holding a shotgun chainsaw, and in full cowboy outfit Kayla: sharknado 6 Melon: I mean we were all thinking it Crepe: I wasn't

Cmon Sam. Its about the murder and blood spatters. Get down with it

Kayla: sharknado but everything is the same except dean is fin Melon: That really changes nothing besides that the wife would be a dude instead Kayla: cas Melon: That’s what I said

[ They then discuss something about Cas that I apparently won't understand for like 8 and a half more seasons. C'mon guys, I haven't even met the guy yet. ]

What is going on over drinks here

Oh. So a vampire killed this guy's sister. :(

Right makes sense as hunter backstory

Dean finally admitting somethin abt how he feels abt their dad passing. And its to some guy they JUST MET INSTEAD OF HIS BROTHER

[ Melon says it's because it's easier to admit to a stranger than someone you know. Kayla adds that he has to be strong for Sam. Ah, yes, the constipated older brother syndrome. I get it. ]

I don't think this hunter guy is handling his emotions well gonna say

Gordon Walker? That's his name? K

Oh ok so this guy's just fuckin nuts. Got it.

[ They now discuss telling strangers about trauma with no warning. They come to the conclusion that this is just Tumblr. ]

"Yknow what I love about this life? It's all black and white." Hmmmmmmmm

Yeah this guy's more than a bit off his rocker and you both should leave!

Uh oh Sammy

Why does Sam keep getting stalked and/or jumped by shit huh

Don't breathe a sufg of relief you idiot

[ I meant to type "sigh", not whatever happened there. Add that to the list of Ink typos. ]

Oh look! Vampire! Of course

??

VEGAN VAMPIRES?

[ Crepe goes on a tangent about said Vegan Vampires, of which I follow maybe half of. ]

Ohhhh cattle blood. Funky

Vegan Vampires just living their lives I guess. Good for them! Unfortunately Sam and Gordon won't listen to him probably

Dean is too murder happy and Sam is not quite murder happy enough and they yell at each other about it

[ Apparently, they say, this is the plot of season 10. What the hell does that mean. ]

HE STOLE THE CAR!! THEY HAVE TO HOTWIRE THEIR OWN CAR!!!

*keys not the car

Somethin about this chick's delivery. Weird. Not like in a suspicious way just in a What is this Acting way

Sam and his sad, sad eyebrow scrunch

Eww stabby

Gordon u got issues homie

Weird fuckin guy. Weeeird fuckin guy.

Shes trying her best leave her alone

Hunter fight! Hunter fight! Get his ass Dean!

WHSHSHSH screaming. Dean telling Sam to punch him. Bc he was a dick.

[ Kayla and Crepe both say they're going to bed, not even waiting 3 minutes for me to finish the episode. Rude. ]

DEAN ADMITTED THEIR DAD WASN'T PERFECT!!! HOLY SHIT!!!

Man now they have to deal with more Moral Quandries. Have fun with that boys!

And away they go. Into the sunrise.

---

I cannot emphasize enough how much I was not paying attention to whatever the hell my friends were talking about in the moment. Absolutely wild to go back and read all that. What the fuck are they on about

Anyways. Vegan Vampires I guess! That's a thing! Wild.

#on the highway to superhell #supernatural #spn #i hope you guys enjoy the comedy of whatever the hell my friends are talking about #continuing to mess with formatting as i go #i hope to get in at least one more ep tomorrow

[jojotichakorn]

For the "give me a show and I'll tell you" game: Only Friends (I know it's not finished yet but you know I had to 😌 )

thank you for the ask, dear, i absolutely adore the amount of love and obsession we have for ofts 😌

my favorite female character

i'm actually gonna go ahead and say april. i know we don't see a lot of her and everything we see of her is in relation to chueam, but she is great at all that. she is just an amazing and supportive girlfriend through and through.

my favorite male character

sand and boston are currently fighting over that title. sand is likely winning, but by a very small margin. and like, props to boston, because while i knew that i'd love sand almost the second he showed up, boston went from "you're annoying, but in a compelling and entertaining way, so i'll give you that" to "i stand with my cancelled wife" and that's impressive as hell.

my favorite episode (if its a tv show)

episode 10, actually! it completely knocked it out of the fucking park. i think it could be that my feelings are also heightened by the fact that episodes 10 in the past have given me the "we're coming up to a trainwreck" feeling so many times, while the ofts episode 10 made me even more in love with the series and extremely confident in the last two episodes. but it was also just incredibly good. it fully turned my feelings about boston and bostonnick around, it brought up the final issues with raysand and put them on the path to resolving absolutely everything that needs to be resolved to be happy together, it gave me the cunty bitch that is boeing, it made mew completely unhinged, it made top squirm. everything i could have possibly fucking wished for and even more.

my favorite cast member

this one is hard actually, so i'm going to divide the answer into three. 1) force. obviously. he's been one of my favourite actors since enchante and that has not changed one bit. he is doing an amazing job at playing someone i deeply dislike, truly showing off his range here. 2) first. i've always appreciated his acting, but i've never been able to enjoy it to the full unhinged level, because there was something about each of his previous characters that i did not like. now that he is playing someone i am ready to kill and maim for, i am enjoying his performance tenfold. 3) neo. i've seen him in things before and i have liked his acting, but he truly took it to a new level with boston. he is so unbelievably fucking good at what he does that i recently told one of my friends i think he is the best actor from the 2000s gang and i do absolutely stand by that.

my favorite ship

sandray. no contest there babeyyyyy. just the idea of love not being something that a person "deserves", but something that happens and something that can be fulfilling and beautiful, even when there are hurdles and difficulties? the idea that everyone can find someone who won't even "bear them", but just like them and not really find their complexities and flaws that burdensome? immaculate.

a character I’d die defending

boston and ray, but only in regards to particular clownery. both of these have made mistakes, but people acting like boston is pure evil (while he's just... selfish, and that's literally it) or treating ray like the devil because of his addiction would both cause me to draw my bow.

a character I just can’t sympathize with

i was going to say mew just because i don't like him the most, but since the question is specifically about who i can't sympathize with - it's top. like, he really just fucked around and found out to me. also atom and gap, obviously, but i feel like that goes without saying.

a character I grew to love

boston and nick, in different ways. as i said before, boston used to kind of annoy me but in a way that was entertaining. but then he just moved on from his own mess with such ease that it made megiggle and episode 10 finally solidified both how lonely he actually is (seeing as his whole friend group doesn't actually care about him) and also how he can, in fact, change and realise things about himself and open up in a really meaningful and beautiful way, all of which made him jump to being a fave. as for nick, i've always liked that messy messy bitch, but the things that he took away from the situation with boston, the fact that he realised and acknowledged where he fucked up, the fact that he just genuinely loves boston and sees the best in him but also finally respected boundaries to the full and was planning to leave him alone? the beautiful growth there just made me adore him.

my anti otp

probably raymew? like, truly, no one has ever had a worse idea in their entire life. raymew was bad for everyone who was even a little involved. complete mess. two of the most incompatible people in the world. so much so that, despite the fact that the series wants me to believe they work as friends, i don't even think that's true. i don't like raymew's relationship in any capacity, frankly speaking. i don't think they fit together at all.

send me a name for a drama (or dramaS) and i will answer all these questions

(list of dramas i've seen)

#thank u again for sending it in! this was fun! #archer responds #anon

[ozlices]

really fucking sucks that it does not matter how openly we cry about how fucked up we are after everything this year has put us through, we are just. ignored. like. we're very open about having abandonment issues & a burden complex, but nobody gives a fuck abt ensuring that isn't. you know. constantly fueled in the aftermath of all the shit this year put us through.

we haven't suffered in silence. quite the opposite. but we're literally just. ignored. & left to rot. no matter how transparent we are abt how badly we're doing. & it sucks. like it's getting to a point where we're genuinely starting to get apathetic towards our friends & we don't fucking care to fight it off anymore.

if my friends were posting the kinda shit we do during our meltdowns, id be rushing to call them as soon as i could. maybe im just different. maybe im just a dumbass for caring so goddamn much! cause jfc it clearly isn't mutual no matter what!

how am i supposed to fight off my persecutor telling me nobody fucking loves me bc i don't deserve it when i can beg for somebody to lend their hand to me, & all i get is silence.

we haven't been checked up on. anyone we used to talk to daily has just decided we're too depressing or whatever to be around, i guess. like. idk what anyone wants from us anymore. i really fucking don't. all we want is to have somebody give a shit abt us & fucking MEAN it. actually be there for us. actually take care of us the same way we take care of everybody else.

but nah nah instead we're just. having our complexes fueled. our persecutor's ammo refilled, meanwhile we're left with nothing. absolutely fucking nothing.

the best relationship of our lives couldn't even last longer than a month & no matter what, we can't fight being made to feel like we just weren't worth keeping around.

we've never escaped being "too depressed to handle" as our token in a friend group, but like. idk. maybe if we weren't made to constantly feel so fucking alone & like nobody genuinely gives a shit abt us, we'd be able to At Least cope a bit better.

idek what to do or say anymore. like our persecutor gets on our ass for saying "nobody cares" like "oh well you're just being manipulative & fishing." bitch i GENUINELY fucking feel like nobody fucking cares about me & not a single goddamn person has tried to significantly fight that notion to any genuine degree.

it'll be fought with filler words in the moment, but again. nobody checks on us. nobody just randomly tells us they love us and care about us. nobody does the little things we've always done for our loved ones we know are going through rough times. even if we directly tell people it helps. so, what the fuck else am i sposed to say or think.

im tired of feeling like this. im tired of being lonely, and unloved, and uncared for, and like it's all fucking pointless. im tired.

i just feel like we're just forgotten about until we're needed. but when we are the ones who need someone else to help us? well, we can just fucking rot, then. i guess. we're just an annoying burden who's too depressing to be around. not worth any genuine effort. and we cannot keep fighting that notion when nobody gives a shit to stand with us against it.

#mine #vent// #i just had to get this out. like it's to a point where it's even significantly hurting our little. #they often are the one making our statuses the way they are on our priv discord #& like. idk. v much fucking sucks ppl KNOW we have a little in our system who tends to front the most #the statuses on the acc are not some uwu im depwessed moment. it's a little being hurt & crying for help #& just. being ignored. like... idk. idk what to do or say or think anymore. wtf are any of us sposed to do w this. #what does anyone want from us. we've been open abt how brutal this year has been. how badly off we are #& our health has only gotten WORSE & worse. we have no idea what's even going on w our body anymore #but like! the aspect of maybe smth is seriously wrong & we could be hospitalized or need surgery is just like. #cool i literally do not fucking care bc nobody else would. so what's the point! #im tired of being in pain and suffering alone. it hurts & it's cruel & it all feels so empty. #i just dont fucking know what to fucking do anymore. none of us do. #we just usually sit in a circle in the front & hold each other to avoid having a breakdown/meltdown everyday #bc we feel so suffocated by the loneliness & misery & having to fight it on our own. #fucking... bullshit. i wish i could stop caring i hate having a heart it isn't worth it i wanna tear it out

[will80sbyers]

In fiction there can be one dimension but in the real world there are no good people there are only people that are actively trying to be good and people that aren't trying, don't want to try and don't care about what their actions do to others.

You can shift from one position to another at any point in your life and mental health and circumstances around you makes it more difficult to change position but not impossible.

That said, this doesn't justify you hurting others and if you do you deserve to live with the consequences of your actions, you are not owed forgiveness from anybody, even less from the people you did hurt.

People have the right to defend themselves from you if they know you actively do or did something to hurt others and don't want to associate with you that's a valid choice they are making for their life, they are safeguarding their own mental health and well-being and every human being has that right.

Maybe this doesn't help your "healing journey" in your opinion and it makes you mad that you aren't immediately accepted into the group, but that's also how society survives- other people are not inherently responsible for your healing unless they are being paid to be, only your parents were responsible and they failed.

You will always find people that are kind and have that much heart to forgive you if you are actively trying to do better. They exist and many times they have done some shit themselves in the past so they are more prone to give opportunities to others, there are also people that give opportunities by looking at how you act day by day without completely trusting you, keeping up healthy boundaries for themselves.

There are also people that have trauma themselves that makes them too accepting and too trusting and see things too positively because they are not educated in mental health and believe that humans are fundamentally good and "even if they hurt me I can take it because who am I if I don't help them when they have suffered in the past this much, I have not so I should give all that I can give to help them or it means I'm bad"

( I was one of these people lost in that narcissistic and delusional "good Samaritan" mentality for 25 years of my life, giving so many second chances to others that I lost myself, burned out all that I had and after being forced to put up a wall to literally not die myself, is in the process of trying to reconstruct outside of that identity, with healthy boundaries, went to therapy for it and all... and it takes YEARS to dismantle that toxic thought process and it's a lonely as fuck journey! Still, I'm not going back, I will be giving respect, not forgiveness. I am trying to reach and keep being in the middle ground.)

Other people don't have to associate with you but they are responsible for how they treat you, like for any other human being, in the sense that they should not harass you with verbal or physical abuse.

Mental health should be looked after by people that are not connected to what you did, that are well rewarded for doing that job and that are protected by someone looking out for them so that you don't hurt them if you fall back on your pattern like many people with mental health problems do often.

Humans have also the right to feel anger towards people that hurt them or have hurt others that they love and they should be able to express that anger in healthy ways, one of the healthiest ways is through fiction... where if you're rooting for the villain that is fixed on his path of wanting to hurt others and likes the feeling that hurting others gives him, to die suffering, then you should be allowed to do it without that automatically meaning that you are wanting to hurt people in the real world.

How you act in real life is what's important.

But also in real life you don't have to necessarily have empathy for people that do bad shit like abusing, raping or killing someone, you don't owe them anything except the bare minimum of respect that it means you don't abuse them back. They can give you empathy and understanding and many will, not everyone will and they are allowed not to have empathy for you and if you're really in a healing path you will understand that.

At the same time if people are punching you first I will always encourage you to punch back, you will not find me on the "give the other cheek to be slapped" side of that spectrum, you will not find jesus in my blog.

I don't cry when abusers die, I am happy that there is one less abuser in the world. Does that make me "not good" ? Free to think that, I don't think it does.

I think that if you can't stop them from punching you punch back until they stop.

You should have the right to defend yourself when you don't have any other means to stop them and if you do something like killing them because you were defending yourself I will definitely forgive you more easily, you still need therapy and to be watched over for a while so that you can go back into society after all that trauma you just experienced, but I will not be as distrustful of you as I am of someone that hurts random innocent people to satisfy a personal urge inside of them even if I can recognize it's their poor mental health making them do that.

Experiencing trauma in the past can explain why you become a perpetrator in the future even to people that have done nothing to you, but it doesn't justify the abuse you are doing and keep doing day by day, and it doesn't grant you forgiveness by others that need to defend themselves from your violent impulses.

#this is a #anti henry creel #post #if that wasn't clear enough #also anti Lonnie Byers #and every other abuser that doesn't want to change #your actions have consequences #and doing better doesn't delete the hurt you caused to others #if you're really doing better then you accept that #also trauma doesnt make you a perpetrator your choices do that #as #Will Byers #and #El Hopper #show!!!

[dungeons-are-too-cold]

Steve was literally prom king in 1985, he mentioned that to Robin. Yeah he didn't have close friends, like Tommy and Steve, but he was still popular enough. Maybe Billy dethroned him as king Steve, however it was established he's charming. It will take more than Billy for him to drop the social ladder, especially after ditching Tommy and Carol he seemed to appear nicer. He was popular for a reason, people in general liked him I don't think that just goes away, especially because he didn't do anything horrible, besides getting rid of his old buddies. I don't think Steve was suddenly a lonely loser eating alone in the bathroom. Steve is a social person, he knows how to talk to people. The least he had is school friends. Him not being able to flirt in s3 after Nancy is completely different than making friends in general.

i don't remember the prom king line so thank you for bringing that up! i do think he was relatively well liked, im not saying he was like cast aside or dropped to like "loser" or "outcast" levels of like social standing.

that aside though, you can be relatively well liked and still not have like a solid footing in high school. Like, i had tons of friends, people generally liked me, i got along well with everyone, i had someone to talk to and chat with in every class i ever took, was super involved in extra curricular activities, and yet i found myself alone a lot at school, sitting by myself in the library or the bathroom, crying my fucking eyes out cuz i was lonely.

like, being popular and having your people i feel a very different concepts, especially in an environment like high school that operates on this relatively sedentary social ecosystem. If steve always sits with tommy and carol, like we see in season 1, and they are suddenly not sitting together, sitting in the cafeteria might not even be an option anymore because at that point in the school year, theres this kind of established flow of cafeteria life. People sit in the same seats with the same groups every day. Now in season 2 you see he spends time with Nancy in the library, steve probably played basketball at lunch with the team or practiced his sport, but he wasnt really like close with jonathan, ya know? but at least he had nancy. He's still getting invited to parties and stuff, but he spends all of his time with nancy, because yes she is his girlfriend and he loves her, but at this point nancy is all thats like left of steve's people. Its clear theres an antagonistic sort of energy between steve and tommy, and tommy has some social pull still to a certain degree.

back to high school bullshit, when you and someone who operate in the same social circle are fight? it makes that social circle nearly unbearable, but there isnt really a full escape because you have the same friends the same classes the same extra curricular activities, etc.

i do like to try and take comfort in steve being a social person, post season 1 he's probably much more pleasant to be around, but he is not a smooth talker. Tommy was the loudmouth, and steve kinda just reaped the benefits of that i think, cuz you can see in season 2-3 that he's insecure, he's running on a script that doesn't really work anymore, and he's kinda awkward. He's not good with words when he has to be at the forefront of things. Take his essay as the first example of that. When he's left up to his own devices, his words don't exactly make sense or fit together. When he doesn't have a system or script to fall back on, he flounders.

This is seen even further in seasons 3-4 where you see steve relying on these high school systems he's learned to work so well, but now that he's not tied to all of it in this post Tommy and post billy world, its not working.

i'm not saying he's some sort of self pitying sad loser boy, but i am saying he probably didn't feel all that secure ya know? like, he's clearly defeated when he doesn't get to leave hawkins, when he doesn't get in anywhere, because he needs something new. He's stuck where he's at and its not working for him.

idk i didn't mean to like make this a long post lol, but yeah i think that there could be a lot of stuff going on in his head and in his life that might contradict some of the assumed social life of our dear dear steve. I'm not saying hawkins high like threw him to the side and discarded him, he wasn't some teen-movie-john-hughes social reject, but he was probably lonely and probably struggling even if it seemed like everyone liked him well enough, that doesn't necessarily mean you feel close to anyone. Being liked and having friends can be two separate things

this is all just like my brain stuff i like to chew on when im bored and wanna think about steve harrington <3

#blorbos from the dungeon #georgia's not so critical analysis #answers from the dungeon #steve harrington #stranger things

[soulvomit]

I am not even sure I’ve ever been in any space that was truly normie. The closest I’ve ever been to that, is my various paramours’/partners’ families/friend groups. The kinds of “normie” spaces that are the closest I’ve ever come to being in normie culture, on my own (rather than as someone else’s +1), tend not to be truly “Full Normie.” They tend to be spaces that will be multicultural and mixed social class, where there will be a variety of human experiences. Often there are people who are open about being recovering addicts. 

Certain types of people just “stick” to me whenever I’m in a group. Usually it’s a lonely person. But most often, it’s the one visible ND present. I don’t even get to be in the rooms where they’re already gatekept out. I somehow manage to meet other autistics wherever I go. Being in nerd culture and artist spaces just gave me control over 1) meeting ND people who were ego-syntonic about it and 2) who were less likely to be heavily codependent/needy/insecure.

For me to “pass” NT-presenting per the *actual* rules of social normiehood, it’s not just enough to be accommodated to the point that my being ND becomes invisible (which is a big reason why my autism is so invisible in some spaces and I start to just seem shy/reserved); I’d have to actually openly participate in the gatekeeping, I’d have to know who and what is being gatekept out, I’d have to know who the power players in the setting were. 

I’d also have to make sure that I’m a big giant bitch to any and all “odd” or “lower status” people in the group and I must participate in the gossip about those people. This is required of you.

Like, literally, there is no version of trying to be Normie that doesn’t require me to be a bitch, while also pretending not to be a bitch. 

One thing I learned in the Social Jockeying 101/How To Be Normal spaces I was in between 2007-2012, was that not only was it fairly average for many women to subject people to shit tests, but if I wanted to be accepted by those same women, I would have to participate in this, myself. 

I would have to recognize this as an inclusion signal and dive right in; it’s what you’re required to do to join the protection racket. And if I wasn’t a giant bitch to the people I was told to be a bitch to, then I would be considered “unsafe.” 

These shit tests were going on all around me and they’re the biggest reason I don’t want to work outside the house anymore, because especially with being back in tech, I’m likely to make friends with the weird male autistic programmer in the other department or someone else that the one other woman in my department, decides other women are not allowed to talk to. Then I’ll get fucking GASLIT about my own observations and experiences if I ever try to explain these dynamics to a giant chunk of people. But at least in tech the dynamic wasn’t actually as bad as it was in other spaces. 

Being out as a lesbian used to give me a certain “out” when it came to this stuff with other women in organizational spaces, as long as I was in a “tolerant” organizational space. But - 1) I am in a hetero relationship now and 2) being openly queer in any way is NOT the protection it was in those same spaces; I feel like the dynamics of LGBT culture, especially as far as concerns anyone with proximity to *either* assigned femaleness or female identity, have shifted a lot. I feel like I’m expected to perform female-normative social behavior even as a gender nonconformer now. Like, the only way I actually get to be One Of The Guys now is actually becoming a guy, and even then I don’t get to. Whereas in the 90s, I was able to just hide out in geek culture and be one of those androgynous geeks that said “geek is a gender.”

[genderlessfratboy]

I thought that I had really hit my stride socially, but it turns out I’m just as lonely in my 30s as I ever was

The only friends I have in my life are people that went to college with my wife. I had a really fucked up upbringing, and I didn’t really have the capacity to build meaningful relationships until I hit my 20s.

Spent my whole life being the one who gets invited if there’s space or someone remembers too, but largely isn’t really involved. Doesn’t get invited to stuff, doesn’t get texted, doesn’t really get included at all unless someone goes out of their way to include me.

I thought the friends that I had now were my own friends and not just keeping me around because they like my wife, but I was super wrong!

They all went to school together, and even though I consider myself a pretty good writer, and a number of them have literally read my work, they decided to do a film festival project together, and every single person that I consider my friend was included. Except me.

My wife made it clear that the list of people involved had been picked really intentionally and they only wanted to work with people they had worked with before and all went to school with together. Since my folks couldn’t afford $300,000 film school, obviously that doesn’t include me, she didn’t even up to say I’d like to be involved, even though she could’ve.

So I spent my entire day crying and trying to keep myself busy while every single friend that I have spent time together creating something together. I wasn’t wanted.

Not a single person, I consider a friend wanted me around for this creative project, which means I’m either an actually very shitty writer, or I’m just the easiest person to forget in the world.

I don’t even know why I bother.

Nobody texts me. Nobody hangs out with me. Nobody makes plans with me when I try. It’s been 31 years and I can’t seem to find a group of people who consider me important. Not even my own family members will text me back. Other than single Group Chat that gets used less than less, and my wife, the only texts I get are from my direct reports at work.

Based on the actions of everyone around me, it’s very obvious how unimportant I am. I always had the inkling that I was an afterthought, and it confirmed sucks.

I can’t be lonely for another three decades, I don’t have much of my heart left at this point.

I think it’s just time to give up.

#cam is a pathetic motherfucker #I’m such a disgusting sad sack no wonder everyone hates me

[cerise-tears]

bears and empathy

I wanna talk about bear discourse.  

For the uninitiated, when I say “bear discourse” I’m referring to a hypothetical I saw on TikTok about a week ago that recently breached containment and made it to Twitter. Loosely, the hypothetical is “Suppose you are a woman, and are alone in the woods. Would you rather the only other soul in those woods be a man, or a bear?” 

I think the reason this question has gone a bit viral is that you can run with it in so many ways. I’ve seen park rangers talk about how bears really aren’t that scary, and in fact you can learn in a few minutes how to deal with a bear encounter - so just pick the bear. I’ve seen men talk about how while there are some bad apples out there (sometimes they’ll concede that there are several), on average the bear is far, /far/ more likely to actually kill you (it’s a bear are you fucking stupid?) and so if you’d like to make it to your cozy bed alive you should choose the man (like grow up already). I’ve seen well meaning guys frustrated that so many women would choose the bear over them. I’m waiting to see a conservative woman to talk about how these attitudes are further increasing sexism, and that women and men should simply get along. Personally, when I first had the question posed to me, I started asking about specifics in the scenario. Am I naked, or do I have tools to defend myself? Is it the middle of the night? How far away is civilization? Do I spawn in front of the other entity, or is it a Slenderman situation?

I don’t know how this question started and since I’m writing this as my workday comes to a close I don’t think I’m gonna go find it. That said, I kind of love it because it gets at a frustration that I have with social justice with online discourse; namely, the heavy emphasis placed on empathy? The whole thing seems framed as a way to put yourself in a woman’s shoes, but the instant you phrase it as a question those shoes turn into a mirage. When you put your eggs in the basket that is “man or bear”, the important points you want to make can be just easily avoided. 

People advocating the bear have a lot of arguments, but the consistent point they want to communicate is that men in the presence of a lone woman are highly unpredictable. What’s more, those men are highly unpredictable in a way that is not quickly determined. Running into a guy who doesn’t immediately assault you doesn’t mean he’s not going to try to talk you into going to his place when you get in the car. Even if he drops you off at your place, he now knows where you live and can come back later uninvited if he wants. There are all sorts of dangers that he presents and the female individual has no idea at any point when she is in the clear. But when you try to create empathy, the responder can literally just go “well I’m different” at worst or treat it as a fun thought experiment at best. 

I think a lot of people want empathy from majority groups to minority groups. There’s this fantasy that if you could just forcibly transplant someone from brain A to brain B, force them to walk a mile in the shoes of another, they would change their ways, become better. But that’s not how it works. Multimillionaires who do “one year in poverty challenges” can just go back to being multimillionaires. A guy can do a period simulator, wince in agony for a bit, and then go back to sauntering around. A white soul can read Huckleberry Finn one thousand times over. It’s not like there isn’t value in those experiences. But none of them grapple with actually talking to someone, listening to them, trusting them, acting on that trust. Systemic injustice gets to just happen “over there”, a place that you can just visit for a bit. 

I would choose the man, even if I were a woman. I have a crippling fear of death, and the man is infinitely less likely to kill me than the bear. I would genuinely take physical/psychological abuse, stalking, assault, all of it over the chance of dying. That’s where my priorities lie. But none of it matters. Thousands of women online said, “I would rather be in the woods alone with a bear than a man.” It’s my responsibility to believe them. It’s my responsibility to understand why they feel that way. It’s my responsibility to use that knowledge to make life better, easier, less burdensome to everyone around me. My opinion on the bear is completely irrelevant.

#bear #man

[ylimemariee]

Read this and take a moment to realize what’s wrong… church vs. outside of church. My comment is in there. This is a good conversation that needs to happen. A lot of lonely people out there like me that struggle to connect due to society. Everyone’s all coupled up and me being a person that just wants to make friends and connect with other people. It’s fellow believers I’ve grown to not be as comfortable around it’s because I basically went to where I was gonna be taken seriously and valued. In 2018 I was done with my fake friendships so I went to work.

Someone who felt abandoned from the church community throughout my whole life I’ve always had church on my own. I connect with the people who wanna connect with me. I used to always wanna do group nights. I’ve always wanting to get people together so we can connect like how we were called to. A lot of the advice I take is from the Bible. Im different then the norm I guess. It is true to be that most churches only focus on married couples and 2.3 aged kids. My gen is almost 30 and im one of many who are still single. Always feeling left out I just let go of alot of that and I owed it to my current church to forgive them. I actually got a sorry in a sermon to my group of people. I watched the place I was growing in, bring in people I had no clue about. At the time they didn’t even seem passionate about what they were about to take on and that was students. I stepped away while hearing about them becoming youth pastor and perfect church young hipster couple. It’s so hard for the singles out there today. We’re literally thrown out like trash to be recycled. Gonna be a hard read for some. But I believe that Gods put me on this earth for the hard conversations. What impresses me today is just as simple as someone replying to a TEXT. My pet peeve is texting ghosts. Especially if it’s a meaningful emotional text. Im convinced people especially most of my own generation, has no balls. The factory were I spent 3 years away from everything working around the men I did and especially military men, Marine to be exact... They taught me how to have balls no matter the cost. With the trauma I faced too, I had someone try to legit end me. Like almost got hit on purpose by their car that they were driving…on purpose to threaten me. Car was inches by my feet going at full speed; if she hit me I wouldn’t be alive today or be able to walk. It was a sports edition brand new grey dodge hellcat. Real shit man…My OG tattoo artist friend who ran from God and then came back was the first that taught me that. I know that every thing God has planned for me has had its reasoning. And it’s just molding me more into who He’s made me to be. Take everything you read and then when your out in the world breathe it out. If we actually talk to one another maybe this wouldn’t be an issue.

Just like Jesus calls us all to do, all I want is to be accepted for who I am as I am. In the mess. If you see me with your eyes and wanna say something, fuck the clichés do something about it. I been screaming at my FedEx coworkers at the very exact same thing. If ya wanna talk to someone do it, don’t waste anyone’s time. Nobody likes a tease right? If nobody likes a tease in our friendships let’s not be teases. And my current church is amazing for keeping their originality and in their journey with God and growing as a church. I love how human my Pastor is. Always admired him for it. He’ll always have my respect for it too. When I was in Haiti with him my highlight was him making the cheesy donkey ass jokes. It’s why I came back. In the world today, you especially want to always be sure your getting truth in the right place and I feel like I am.

My grammar may be shit on this post, but if someone gets it and runs with it. I did my part.

And I have friends they just live far away from me. I moved to a new area cause I wanted to, I love new experiences. I wanna see and meet the world Gods made and admire His artwork in me and around me.

Oorah

#blog #follow #thinking differently #Jesus #community #lonely Planet #20s #30s #singles #couples #seriously though #do something #or nothing