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punishprose · 1 year

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I just want someone to be proud of me. To see how hard I'm trying, because god, am I trying. I'm trying for you, not for me. I could care less what happens to me. It seems as if I'm supposed to be there to stop everyone else from hurting themselves yet no one can do that for me. It hurts, it hurts to be constantly told that it would be easier for everyone if you were dead. That you’re ugly and pathetic and disgusting and you should just kill yourself. Eventually, you start to believe it, even more than whoever said it. You, you hate yourself so much you wish you could disappear and not have to deal with the world ever again. You would be better off dead, so you try. You silence your cries when the blade catches against your skin, you gather your sleeves all the way up to your hands and the only thing anyone can ask is if it's a trend. You are conflicted, you want them to notice so bad, so bad that you eat less and smile less and have the same apathetic look on your face that no one can see through. Simultaneously, you know what would happen if they did find out. They would look at you like you're even more broken and fragile than they did before. They would pity you forever, not realising that that’s the exact thing you don't want. The exact reason you hate yourself. So. You want to disappear. You want to stop feeling, stop thinking, fall asleep forever and never have to wake up. But do you want to die? You convince yourself that you do, but then you always have excuses for why you can't. “People love me.” The same people that told you you should kill yourself? “They would be so sad.” WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU ARE CONSTANTLY IN A STATE OF NOT QUITE ASLEEP, NOT QUITE AWAKE. HOW MUCH BETTER ARE THEY FEELING? Recently, you’ve been starting to care less. (Another thing to hate yourself for.) Who cares if they feel sad? WHO CARES? You have been falling, for months, for years now. Maybe your purpose is just to talk others out of the same stupid, stupid things you do to yourself. You don’t even like the glide of the blade against the skin, the searing pain that always passes too quick, too quick. You treasure the aftermath, the blood, the pain you feel when you sit down, the numb sensation of knowing why you’re feeling like this. Maybe everyone likes control. Maybe this is the only thing I can control. I can't control how much I eat (even though, god, would that be ideal), I can't control what I do, what I say, how I FEEL.

I feel bad for the people who have to put up with me. I’m narcissistic, pretentious, annoying. Not to mention a liar. You have lied ever since you could, ever since your mom sat you down, and at the ripe age of 7, told you that sometimes it was better to lie, in order to make people feel better about themselves. You replied, like children do, and said that you thought you were always supposed to tell the truth. Because that was the right thing to do right? Wrong. Everything you say should be a lie, because nothing you do is enough in their eyes. It doesn't make them feel better when you tell them that they hurt you, that having to look at them while they were like that was nauseating. So you lie. You always lie.

You lie so much, in fact, that it comes back to you. You make promises you can’t keep, break people's hearts. You wish you could just go back to the way you were. Far from perfect, certainly, but happy. You were happy.

And you seem happy, people say. You seem happy and put-together. What could possibly be wrong with your life? I am. I am the problem with my life. I turn nothing into an avalanche, crashing down on me when I'm alone. The mask I keep up is an exhausting one to wear. Have you ever wondered why I spend so long in the shower, why I lock my doors and shut everyone out, even if just for a minute? You are the polar opposite of who you’re supposed to be, the person your friends are friends with, the person your partner loves. You aren't that person anymore. You have been too far twisted, too contaminated by the thoughts of everyone else seeping into your thin, thin, skin. WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? They would be better off without you. You hurt everyone with your words, your useless lies. You are useless, and you deserve to die, coward.

But, after all, you are a coward, so you won't do everyone the favor of just disappearing. Too selfish, too self-centered. It's easier to just shut away. To silently sob underneath your blankets in the middle of the night when the world is asleep and finally, finally no one is watching you. You dig your nails into your palms, checking in the morning if they left the crescent shaped marks you adore, you worship. You check yourself in the mirror to see if your hips still have the raggedy lines you drew on them. 5 days in between, they both fade. Everything always fades.

Hours after arguments you don’t get the closure that you want. You forget for a minute, you forget that everyone would be better off without you, and you partake in the naive emotion of (momentary) happiness. It is naive. It’s naive to think that anyone loves you. They love the person you were, the person they want you to be. They don’t love you. They despise you.

You deserve it.

No one even wants to talk to you anymore. They reply hollowly and pretend they don’t notice that you know they despise you. You dig your heels in and convince yourself they don’t and inevitably, inevitably they prove you wrong. It’s not their fault. It’s yours and it will continue to be yours forever.

You should just stop talking to them. They don’t need to be held back by you, your slow, sluggish, broken brain. They only stay because they have to. Because they too know you’re fragile, and broken and leaving you would make them feel like it was their fault. But you don’t do them the favor of leaving first because you are primarily and eternally a coward.

No wonder no one loves you if they don’t have to.

You wish you could rid yourself of this pain, but it’s impossible. The only way out would be to die. And you want to, you really do (you think). So you search your drawers of anything you could guzzle, anything that would make your heart stop or your liver fail or your head spin. Anything, you would do anything for it all to end.

Failure is inevitable, of course, because it’s you we’re dealing with. A failure. You know it and you know they know it too.

You live in constant dull pain because you don’t want others to. You live so they can smile. It’s a lot, carrying the weight of the happiness of others on your back, but you’ve always done it, ever since you were 10 years old.

I hope they’re happy.

(8/9/21)

#vent post #poetry #self harm #healing #old #dont read too much into this #i was young #suicidal ideation #tw sui ideation #tw

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stil-lindigo · 8 months

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warmth.

a comic about not being alone.

creative notes:

all my other comics

store

#to all the trans men and women and anyone who feels like they have to stifle themselves for their own safety #may you never feel like youre alone in this #this comic is one of my more grounded ones #it just felt right to not try to decorate this one in a lot of symbolic fanfare #sometimes i have to go above and beyond to fit the vision. this felt right being pretty understated.#i really did my best with this one and i hope it shows #you all deserve so much joy and so much love from your partners in life #and i hope you like this and if you dont thats okay too #thats all #thank you for your support #and as always #thank you for reading #comic art #lgbtqia+#queer comics #hearteaters #stillindigo art #stillindigo comics

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bodylanda · 1 year

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New joke theory: victim is the hangman

#text #dont read too much into this #they just thought itd be funny to scare alan and the sticks

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fallenneziah · 5 months

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Summary: Ghost's breeding instincts kick in on a cold night at the fire, and tension-turned arousal leaves you with one more body to feed.

CW: Dubcon, handjobs. Morbidly gross. Monsterfucking, Zombie! Ghost, breeding, cock swelling, deteriorating body parts, spit, Simon tries to be gentle, Ghost is there to breed. Cum inflation, cock warming. Slight angst. He tries to take care of you, but it's not really his main priority.

The zombie apocalypse has taken over the world. And you are stuck in the middle of nowhere. With no telecommunications, you were left to your own devices when your mission was sidetracked by the affected. You happened to be out with Simon when it happened, which ended in him getting bitten while you both were caught off guard.

And now you were stuck out here. Having moved from another safe haven from a lack of supplies and shelter.

Simon moaned from his broken maw, reaching out his hand lazily to the warm, crackling fire. His cold skin longed for warmth, the dark, bleak night providing you both no comfort. You gently moved his hand away, placing it back down. "Don't, You'll hurt yourself."

Simon moaned again, shifting and slouching, his glazed-over eyes staring into the fire hopelessly. Like he was lost. Feeling anxious again. He felt more anxious than you most times. But how could he not after the bite didn't fully rot away his brain?

The sound of wind and fire crackling filled the silence.

Simon huffed, his cold hand finding his slacks, still gazing into the fire as his palm dug against the seam along his crotch.

If he had done this when he was fully intact, you probably would have found it much hotter. But you knew Simon did this because he was anxious. You weren't entirely sure why he was anxious, but you gave him his space.

His hips shifted, whining against his palm while you pulled your jacket on tighter, feeling the fire whip and crackle.

‟Easy buddy, you're ok.”

Simon whined again, this time shifting his whole body as he pressed his palm harder into himself, almost like he wanted to tear his dick off. You got up and walked over to him, pulling his hand away. His head snapped at you, growling lightly. You ignored him, reaching over to rub his shoulders.

"It's alright, I'm here."

You felt him tense up a bit as you rubbed before he began to relax.

"I'll take care of you," you whispered, rubbing the back of his neck, making sure he could feel your touch. "Don't worry."

You reached down to his slacks and undid them, pulling down his zipper and letting his cock free from its confines.

He whined, squirming against your warm hand. You just wanted to help him. Seeing his swollen, puffy cock. Dripping with stagnant, thick white goo from the head of his cock. Black veins puffing out from the length and twitching.

You gripped it softly, feeling the cold, leathery skin in your hands. He moaned, eyes fluttering closed as he leaned back against the tree behind him. You rubbed the precum around with your thumb, feeling it stick between your fingers as you did.

You had to admit that it was kinda gross, but at the same time, you couldn't deny how much it turned you on.

Simon's glazed eyes followed you, trying to hump into your hand, needing the release. He was anxious, wirey, he wanted it out of him so badly. His instincts and his body told him.

Slowly sliding your hand up and down his cock, pulling the skin down over his head and then dragging back up. He moaned, his broken jaw lolling against the stretched skin. Watching with heavy, unfocused eyes as you stroked his puffy cock.

His cock twitched, dripping more ooze down the shaft.

"Good boy, Simon." You said softly, continuing to rub him. "Just let it all out."

Simon's breathing quickened, his hips moving erratically, trying to get as much friction as he could. His head lolled to one side, a cold hand grabbing your shoulder, the warmth of your palm was intoxicating him. He wanted you so badly. His cock desperately weeping from build-up and frustration.

You tried to keep him still, but he still struggled each way he wanted. His broken jaw hung, and moans flooded from his exhausted, deteriorating vocal cords.

He whined.

His hips jerked again, and you knew he was close.

You continued to stroke him, feeling the heat build in your stomach, making you feel flushed and warm. His glazed eyes searched around, humping your hand with vigour, breathing heavily, one hand digging his blunt, black nails into the dirt.

You squeezed the head of his cock, your thumb rubbing the leaking precum around so it would flow freely.

"Let it all out. Just release."

He whined, his cock twitching and bobbing as you squeezed the head tightly.

"Just let it all out. I'm here to help you, Simon."

The pressure built, his cock throbbing against your hand.

Spurting from the head in a stream of thick, white goo. He moaned and squirmed, gasping for air as his body slowly let him relax. The cum dripped from his cock to the ground, a large puddle growing around it.

His eyes fluttered, looking at you with a glazed expression. His cock didn't go down at all, oozing a little more. His fist came up, dirt-covered hand grabbing your wrist, pulling you toward him, craning his head up toward you. You leaned back a little, his cold breath coming out ragged. His thumb ran over your bottom lip, looking at you with an almost human expression. One he'd been lacking for months.

He let out another inhuman noise that strained your heart. He pulled away again, his cock still desperately hard for your warmth. He wanted you. He's always wanted you. And yet he's ended up here. He released your hand, palming his crotch again as if telling you to leave. That you could go now.

You were tempted to pull away. You could leave him. Let him deal with himself. But, you also didn't want to do that.

You sighed.

"Alright. You win." You said, getting up and going over to your pack.

You sat back by the fire. Pulling out a ration of canned food, cracking it open and pouring it into the old pot you had rummaged from an abandoned house.

Simon watched you from by the tree. His insides wanted you so badly. His cock twitched, throbbing from being unattended. He wanted you. Your warm hand on his cold, dead skin. He felt no warmth anymore, and he wanted it. He craved it.

And his resolve crumbled quickly when he found himself struggling with the open buckle of his tattered military pants. Crawling over to you and whining, nuzzling against your side.

He couldn't communicate, only make those horrible, grotesque noises.

But you understood what he wanted. You knew he was begging you to help him.

His cock dripping, humping his cock into the air, just shy of your body. You looked at how desperate he was. Gurgling and whining, fists clenching in the dirt. You reached out, wrapping your hand around his cock again, but you could tell he wanted more.

His cock twitched, pulsating, desperate for attention. He grabbed the pot, throwing it aside as he climbed onto your lap, straddling you. He pushed your head up, forcing your gaze to his face. His eyes were still glossy, his jaw hanging, his face still grey and rotten.

He was still dead.

But you knew what he was doing. He was trying to be dominant.

You didn't fight back, allowing him to lead.

He held his cock in his hand, stroking it, moaning as the head rubbed against your lips. You opened your mouth, feeling the cold, leathery skin on your tongue.

He was shaking as you found yourself sucking on his cock. Letting his precum dribble down your throat, making your throat burn. His cock grew, throbbing against your tongue and the back of your throat.

He was gentle, forcing you down further on his cock, making your throat bulge.

You gagged, your eyes watering, your throat burning.

And he released your head, letting you up for air.

You coughed, taking stock of the situation. He'd forced you down.

You relaxed, letting him push you back down again. And again.

A warm, wet place to empty himself. And he needed it. Badly.

In the back of your mind, you knew that he didn't mean to be forceful. He was just so desperate to get his human warmth. To get his sexual release. He didn't know what he was doing. He was just following his instincts.

His cock glistened in the firelight, throbbing as it leaked that thick, white goo.

He tugged your hair, moaning as you felt his cock press against the back of your throat. He wanted to cum. He wanted to flood your mouth with his dead, thick cum.

You gagged, pulling off his cock. You'd never gone blowjob far with him before. You just jerked him off or let him hump you, never actually sucked him. He didn't seem to mind, taking this as permission to fuck your face.

His cock stayed firm, the head brushing against your lips as he jerked his hips.

"Come on," you said, swallowing his precum, "cum for me."

You opened your mouth, letting him push the head of his cock inside. It was big. Bigger than anything you'd ever taken. His hand fell to one side again, his helmet slipping a little, tight slacks pulling up his thighs, boots chaffing his ankles. He growled hollowly, another orgasm spurting from his cock across your face and into your mouth.

You probably should have been prepared for it to taste disgusting, but you hadn't.

You gagged a little, spitting it out as much as you could, having to swallow the rest, your eyes watering a bit from the taste.

He moved one leg off you, you attempted to roll over and get up, but he grabbed your belt. You grunted as he pulled you to the ground, dragging you back over to him. He leaned over you, hooking his leg back over your thighs, cock pressing to your ass. His hands dug into your stomach, pulling you back up into him. Getting you under him, he blindly and desperately tries to find your belt.

You're not sure how to react.

He finally grabs your belt and starts yanking it, trying to force you onto your hands and knees.

"S-Simon… what are you doing?"

He grunted, yanking again.

You pushed him away.

"Simon! No!"

He grabbed your shoulders, forcing you back down.

He's too strong. You can't stop him.

You've always thought about this with him. But you were more worried about him in this form. Of what.. could happen. Worried about possible repercussions. But he kept you down, finding the buckle and struggling to get it off.

He whined, trying to tell you to relax, that you'd be okay, and he just needed this once, but he couldn't. He held you down, getting your pants down over your ass, cold hand digging under your panties, your scent filling him.

Simon had smelled your arousal before, but now it was closer. He could smell the arousal in your thighs and the warmth of your pretty cunt.

It made him want you. Made him feel a desire for you.

He was a bit clumsy, fumbling around and trying to get a grip on his dick.

You whimpered, reaching back and pushing his hand away.

His fingers wrapped around his cock, giving you a final chance to stop him. You whimpered, hoping he'd let this go.

But he couldn't. His cock grew, throbbing, pressing against your ass. He held you down, letting you know he wasn't going to let you go. You were his. His toy. His anything.

The head slipped into you, your soaking wet labia spreading around his cock.

He held still, cock throbbing and leaking precum. You let out a gasp of air, pain running through your body.

Simon whined in reply, wanting you to relax. To be ok. He wanted to breed you. He needed to fuck you so badly. The warmth of your insides was so intoxicating that he needed it. But he could tell you were struggling. He wanted to comfort you in any way he could.

He didn't dare try to push himself in further, his cock was throbbing and sensitive, and he didn't want to hurt himself. You didn't want to do this right now, but he needed a release. And you knew it would make him happy to cum. He'd be more docile afterwards.

He pulled out, rubbing the head against your clit, your body shuddering.

He knew this was what you wanted. He pulled out, body shaking as he grabbed your hips, pulling you back against him. He pushed in again, grunting from the pleasure of feeling you, the warmth pressing to him.

He pushed into you, groaning as your tight walls pressed to him. He could feel every fold of your insides, every irregular surface. His cock throbbed, his body growing hot and cold at the same time.

He pulled out, groaning as your wetness dragged over his head and pulled you back into him. His cock thrusting, the warmth and wetness of you pulling at him. He could feel every inch of you throbbing against you.

He pulled out, groaning as your body brushed his cock. And rammed into you, your wetness coating him.

"S-Simon… don't…"

He grunted, slamming into you. Your cervix was the only thing left keeping him out. You moaned around his cock, back arching as his speed increased. His blunt fingernails dug into your hips, head lolling, grunting and making grotesque noises as his cock fucked deep into your cunt.

You knew you couldn't keep him away, and the way he plunged into you, brushing the sweet bud deep inside you slowly unravelled you.

His body was rigid, the only thing he was concerned about was getting off.

He didn't care how many times he came, or how many times he'd cum on you. All that mattered was fucking his cock into your cunt.

"Simon!"

He slammed into you again, grunting. You moaned, head falling forward, your pussy dripping with arousal. You could barely control yourself, feeling your orgasm building up inside you. His cock hit you right where you needed it. As if he knew you in and out.

Simon could smell your arousal. He could practically smell your orgasm.

His cock pulsated inside you, his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

Your legs quivered, feeling your orgasm approaching.

His hands squeezed your hips, cock pounding into you, hitting your g-spot.

"Simon! I'm…"

He slammed in again, his tip brushing your cervix, your body tensing up, legs shaking.

Your body shook as you squirted, coating his cock with your juices.

The smell made his head swim, his hands digging into your hips. He fucked you harder, his cock losing control. Your pussy tightened, pulling at Simon's cock, spasms running through your body, hot fluids flowing.

His cock throbbed, pulsating as it slapped against your pussy.

You rolled your head, moaning and rolling in pleasure as he slammed into you harder.

And he held you there, his orgasm tearing through him. His arms quivered as he pushed into you, cum spurting deep inside you as his orgasm hit.

Your breathing was ragged, hips falling into his with each thrust.

He snarled and moaned with a hollow tone against your ear, breathing harsh, fingernails digging in deeper. He pressed you to the cold ground, hips plunging deep inside you without remorse.

You cried, your legs locking again as he drove you insane.

His cock pumped cum deep inside you, coating your insides.

He panted, his cock twitching as the last of his cum dripped from his cock.

Your legs were shaking, his cock twitching, still buried deep in you. He held you there. Your head fell to the dirt, tilting back to look at him. He stared off into nothing, whining and then looking down at you.

He laid down, cock still deep inside you as his chest pressed to your back. He laid his head in the crook of your neck, gurgling softly. An apology.

You sighed, reaching back and running your hand over his cold cheek.

"I-It's okay… I understand."

His breath hitched, his jaw brushing your neck. He was scared.

You gently took his hand, placing it on your stomach. "We'll figure it out. We'll work it out together."

He whined softly, nuzzling his face against yours. Nestling you close, staring into the still crackling fire as you rested on the cold ground. His cock was warm inside you, and he had zero intention of leaving so quickly.

#eh im not so sure im happy with it #was supposed to be another thing for halloween but it just feels weird to me #as always let me know if it sucked or if it didn't #dont read into it too much #simon ghost riley #cod smut #simon riley #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #cod mw2 #simon ghost riley x female reader #simon ghost riley x reader smut #call of duty #zombie ghost #call of duty zombies #zombie ghost x reader

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sugarcoatednightshade · 5 months

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thinking about how Humans Are Space Orcs stories always talk about how indestructible humans are, our endurance, our ability to withstand common poisons, etc. and thats all well and good, its really fun to read, but it gets repetitive after a while because we aren't all like that.

And that got me thinking about why this trope is so common in the first place, and the conclusion I came to is actually kind of obvious if you think about it. Not everyone is allowed to go into space. This is true now, with the number of physical restrictions placed on astronauts (including height limits), but I imagine it's just as strict in some imaginary future where humans are first coming into contact with alien species. Because in that case there will definitely be military personnel alongside any possible diplomatic parties.

And I imagine that all interactions aliens have ever had up until this point have been with trained personnel. Even basic military troops conform to this standard, to some degree. So aliens meet us and they're shocked and horrified to discover that we have no obvious weaknesses, we're all either crazy smart or crazy strong (still always a little crazy, academia and war will do that to you), and not only that but we like, literally all the same height so there's no way to tell any of us apart.

And Humans Are Death Worlders stories spread throughout the galaxy. Years or decades or centuries of interspecies suspicion and hostilities preventing any alien from setting foot/claw/limb/appendage/etc. on Earth until slowly more beings are allowed to come through. And not just diplomats who keep to government buildings, but tourists. Exchange students. Temporary visitors granted permission to go wherever they please, so they go out in search of 'real terran culture' and what do they find?

Humans with innate heart defects that prevent them from drinking caffeine. Humans with chronic pain and chronic fatigue who lack the boundless endurance humans are supposedly famous for. Humans too tall or too short or too fat to be allowed into space. Humans who are so scared of the world they need to take pills just to function. Humans with IBS who can't stand spicy foods, capsaicin really is poison to them. Lactose intolerance and celiac disease, my god all the autoimmune disorders out there, humans who struggle to function because their own bodies fight them. Humans who bruise easily and take too long to heal. Humans who sustained one too many concussions and now struggle to talk and read and write. Humans who've had strokes. Humans who were born unable to talk or hear or speak, and humans who through some accident lost that ability later.

Aliens visit Earth, and do you know what they find? Humanity, in all its wholeness.

#humans are space orcs #humans in space #earth is a deathworld #earth is space australia #tagging this so that ppl can find it even though the space shit i write about always feels like its in direct opposition to all the pop tag #also my biggest pet peeve in all of writing - all writing. everywhere. not just in fanfic but books and tv and movies too - is when people #write off an injury by saying something like 'oh nothing bad just a couple of scratches some bruising and a minor concussion' like girl WHA #MiNOr ConCuSSioN is such an oxymoron and I hate it so fucking much. like i dont care how minor it was thats still brain damage.#especially when the same character does this more than once. like im sorry ms. but uh. you can no longer read. or talk eloquently. sorry #evidence: my brother has had two 'minor' concussions and now cannot read write or speak without tremendous effort. And like its totally #ruined my ability to watch action shows/movies because now i just sit there and count how many concussions there characters are getting #after a certain point it becomes totally impossible to believe that these guys are able to function. (still fun to watch tho im not a hater

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