#dont even get me started on the authenticity stuff again god knows i hate that shit

[sanstropfremir]

I'm really enjoying reading through your blog, and of course it has to do a lot with the fact that I also love to bits everything Taemin puts out. Unfortunately tumblr makes it really annoying to try and get to older posts, so sorry if you've already spoken about any of this T-T

A big part of why I love Taemin's solo work so much is his unique style, which shines through both technique and performance.

Taemin has many times spoke about how he's heavily involved in everything concerning his work: styling, picking out the samples, lyrics, themes, choreo, you name it he took care of it at some point. "The taemin genre" couldn't have emerged simply out of him being an above average dancer, his signature is on everything.

But surely, very often he can't do much more than express his opinion on something, and a lot of the end product is still created by other people? It would be silly to expect him to dance, sing, produce, write lyrics, style all at once, right? Or would it?

I very, very often hear people take pride in the fact that their fav is an "all-rounder", that presumably does most of the "creating" purely by themselves, or at least can shine all alone, even without the support of a group. But does that imply that artists that only do the performing part are somehow less "authentic", or worthy of praise? Or that idols comfortable in their position as a team player aren't talented or into what they do? To call yourself a master you probably have to spend a decade on just one skill, so why expect teens and young adults to be Da Vincis?

Now, of course it's still amazing when an idol puts in the work and branches out. Taemin's vocal improvement undoubtedly gave him more creative opportunities and made his stages that much more impactful.

But even just being an idol and maintaining an attractive appearance (for criteria as harsh as it is in k-pop) would easily count as a full-time job, so I would go as far as to say that this expectation of total creative control is a little delusional.

haha it was really funny watching you go through everything! yea tumblr is really bad about that, but if you go to my blog on desktop/not the mobile version you should be able to page back through ALL my asks, which are all tagged by 'answers'. there are like probably around a thousand of those now tho.

i have kind of talked about this before, but i'm very happy to talk about it again, because i always think it's worthwhile to clarify what the actual process is like for creating a collaborative work.

you are right, taemin and every other idol who says they're 'involved' in the process in some way is most likely just picking options and expression opinions about things that designers and stylists have already curated for them. it is physically impossible for a single person to do EVERYTHING involved in something like creating a kpop cb, because there are just too many tasks. and if one person DID try to do it all on their own, it would take probably 100x as long to finish. let me use styling as an example: lots of idols have professed to have input on styling choices, but this can range anywhere from bringing in moodboards and having discussions about what styling they're interested in at design meetings, to just picking which thing they like best from a selection of clothes already provided by the designer. in NO fucking world is an idol:

taking measurements

shopping for fabric

shopping for clothing

sewing and altering clothing

doing the budgeting

labelling and collating all the pieces together

taking fitting notes

these are all extremely specialized skills that 1) take TIME to learn how to do and how to do well, and 2) just take TIME to DO. you want to know what i spend probably 40% of the total production time of a show doing when i costume design? fucking SHOPPING. an idol may contribute ideas to a design and make executive choices, but in NO way are they solely responsible for everything about styling. the only idol that i would believe to have a heavier hand than most in this regard is kibum, who does actually have a good knowledge of fashion and fabric and i could see him going shopping with a designer. but if you think that man is sewing anything? cmon.

and this is just for ONE aspect of a cb. you think an idol is also painting the set? shopping for props? setting up the lighting? most idols that are known for dancing aren't even choreographing their own work, INCLUDING taemin. it is absolutely and unquestionably delusional to say that an idol has total creative control over something. this whole idea doesn't originate in kpop (it's auteur theory's fault), but kpop does suffer from an acute version of it, because there's a general collective concensus that devalues the creative work of the labourer. basically, people will only classify you as a "true artist" if you're the one who comes up with the ideas, because ideas and concepts are given more importance and weight. it's a type of because 'being in charge'/'at the top of the food chain that's been perpetuated by capitalism and western postmordern art theory that intentionally places value of conceptual skills higher than those of craftspeople. no type of person is a ''true artist'' and most art takes many people with many different skills in order to create. i find it unintentionally very funny that you use da vinci as an example of an 'allrounder' (or 'renaissance man' as they used to be called) because he, like every other famous painter from the era, used apprentices to help paint his paintings!!!!! he was even an apprentice himself for verrocchio!! da vinci's legacy would not have been possible without all the other people who helped him create the work that he did!

what is the real kicker about this whole mess is that downplays the beauty of the fact that art is made collaboratively. an 'ideas' person cannot realize those ideas without a craftsperson there to help them. everyone who takes part in creating something is important, and it's fucked to only acknowledge specific people in that process.

#like i dont think people realize that even like big contemporary artists have studios w ppl doing fabrication for them #that's VERY common #but none of them will actively recognize it because it takes the perceived value of their monolith artist brand away #i've almost never done a full sweep design on anything and i've worked on some tiny ass shows bc its just too much work #like when i say its impossible i fucking mean it #kpop questions #im not going to get into more of an anticapitalist rant than i already did but its literally capitalism's fault #craftspeople were literally some of the first unions btw #text #answers #like it's very fine that someone just does performing. thats ok. performing is its own set of skills #you dont have to expect or gas up idols for doing other stuff like there are literally other people whose jobs those are!!!!!!!!!!!! #auteur theory and capitalism ruined fucking everything fr #dont even get me started on the authenticity stuff again god knows i hate that shit

[mental-health-advice]

JUST ONCE I want to have a giant BREAKDOWN I want it I feel selfish for wanting it but I do, I cant handle all of this slow working through stuff it doesnt work for me, small bouts of anger dont work for me because all of the previous stuff just has more time to build up. Just once I want to scream and cry and shout and yell about how much I hate myself and my situation and the world and I want to break the mirror and see it crumble away and I wont care if my hands are bleeding for once, I want to spill paint on eveyrthing and make everything ugly, i want to scribble out all mention of my name and destroy all photos of me. I want to destroy my room and myself and then cry in the filth of my own wreckage, and then finally, FINALLY, I can be okay. I can start over and be happy. I'm not allowed to show sadness or anger or upset because I'm not "letting the god in the house" or im "attention seeking" or "I need to count my blessings" or some other dumb excuse by my parents. I'm not even allowed to show my ND traits because it "disrupts the whole family" and that i just "need to act normal." I'm so tired of forcing myself to be happy I just want to break down and let everything out at once and then be genuinly happy for ONCE in my life. What do I do. I'm in so much pain. I contain so much hurt and dont have a way to heal. I have no outlet. I'm so tired...

Hello there,

I'm sorry that you're in so much pain right now. I believe you, I hear it in the words you write. I'm also sorry that you feel unheard and unable to be your authentic self at home. I also lived this, and it really is extremely hard to cope with at times. I completely understand why you want to just break down and destroy everything, and start again.

Firstly, let's look at outlets to get all those feelings out. It's not fair on you to have to keep them all in. We have a page here of Alternatives to Self-Harm. The page has sections on feeling release, unexpressed feelings and feeling the pain, with plenty of ideas for each type of need that you might have. Give it a look over, and see if there's a list of a few activities that you could put together to try out a positive method of expressing your emotions. One that I found helpful just recently was getting a tray of ice cubes and smashing them in the tub whilst I screamed out what/who was making me feel that way. If you have some time home alone, it could be a good one to try (you can also take the ice outside, to a tree or wall, if you don't have a tub). We've also got a page here on Distractions. Like the alternatives, we've got different sections depending on what works best for you - physical, mental, creative, or social.

Another outlet that you could look into is booking a "smashing room". In Melbourne here, we have one called "The Break Room". You pay for a session, they give you a bat, and you head into the room and break everything! A very good physical way to get emotions out, especially if you're already feeling the urge to smash things.

I also think it would be a good idea for you to seek some help from a professional for how you're feeling. I know that from what you've said, it's not likely that you'll feel comfortable, safe or even able to rely on your parents for getting this help, but there are other ways. We have a page here on Getting Help. On it, it talks about reaching out to your doctor, or a trusted teacher, and I think these would be the best ways to go. If your school has a counsellor, that is also a great place to start. Let the adult that you trust know that you're struggling with mental health and need help, but also are unsupported by your parents at home. If you can, let them know how your parents are currently causing you to feel. They can hopefully then guide you to get some ongoing psychological support, which will not only give you a place to release these emotions, but also learn ways to cope whilst you are still living with your parents. We also have a page of Helplines and another with Web Counsellors. These are places run over most hours of the day, and some can offer ongoing support.

And if you need to scream, scream into your pillow and long as you can, there's nothing wrong with that and it is a positive way to express that hurt. You are not wrong for feeling pain from this, it is painful to hide your authentic self and authentic feelings. It is neglectful at the very minimum for your parents to deny you to express your emotions or let you live as the neurodivergent person that you are. My heart goes out to you, I know how hard it can be. I hope these tools help, and you find an outlet for your emotions.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#mhaalexandria #childhood emotional neglect #breakdown #expressing emotions #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #religion #religious trauma

[idontneedyourloves]

Alright I know its been all but 20 mins since my girls post but let's talk about the boys in pjo/hoo . I think I'll list all of them in bullet points, rate them 1-10 and then explain why because I have a BONE to pick with some of these guys. Okay? Okay let's get started

-Percy: 5/10... I know you are all probobly thinking "wait PERCY he's the main character" but he lost his relatability a long while ago. In the beginning of his story he is a dorky little troubled 12 year old who dosent seem to extraordinary, sure then he finds out he's half God which literally nobody can relate too...but then we found out that his FATAL FLAW which is meant to be his weakness...isn't a flaw at all. It's loyalty which is not a flaw its good characteristic with a bad side just like EVERY other traits. Then he became OP and can controll every humana blood on earth and like every liquid ever and kill gods and like I can't put myself in that place anymore (and btw that's that's a good main character does. The author allows the reader to imagine themselves as that character) so yes that's all for percy

-Grover: 10/10...ABSOLUTELY AMAZING CHARCTER AND I HATE HOW THE FANDOM TREATS HIM. Like is he not percys OG ride or die. He's the most loyal to percy, the best friend to percy, the nicest to everybody in general, and he is a great protector. EVERYONE STAN GROVER RIGHT NOW!!!

-Nico: 8/10... one of the only things I dislike about Nico is how he was forced out of the closet in a demeaning way. Even though he is the first queer character in the series (I believe if I'm wrong correct me). But it would have been so much better if he was helped out of the closet by will (and also if Wills character was developed and not just thrown in there) and came out because he realized he is proud to be his most authentic self. But other than that pretty good character.

-Jason: 7/10...Honestly i don't really have much to say about Jason. He dosent do much in the series but he dosent seem like an awful person or someone I would hate to be around I think I would honestly be his friend if he needed one. But yea that's all I have to say about him.

-Leo: 0/10...I HATE LEO WITH EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING! He's pretty sexist if you ask me. He seems to sexualize every woman he comes across and only sees her as a thing to "love". I also don't like the way he is always worshipped by the fandom....like for literally WHAT. Yea I guess he built the Argo 2 but is nobody seeing the bigger problem here! Might go on a full Leo rant at some point but ill leave this here.

-Frank: 6/10... He is much like Jason in the fact that I don't have much to say about him. He seems like a good enough guy and someone easy to be around. The only reason I deducted a point is because of a comment he made in one of the books about being lactose intolerant. He said that he would rather be Neurodivergent than not be able to drink milk. I don't know I think it's kind of sucky to rather be oppressed (well he is oppressed on the basis of him being Asian but im talking about disability) then not be able to have like...cheese. but yea overall a good 6/10

-Luke: -8289239/10...I DONT CARE WHAT YOU ALL SAY HE. IS. NOT. A HERO!!!! HES AN EVIL VILLAN, PEDOPHILE WHOS ONLY GOAL WAS TO HURT NOT HELP....HE DESERVES TARTUTUS NOT ELYSIUM! thank you for coming to my ted talk 😌

But yea anyways there is my opinion on the boys if the hoo/pjo series. I'm so sorry to the people that follow me for six the musical content I owe you some of that and I promise no more pjo stuff until I get a good amount of six stuff out (but when I do start doing pjo again I'm going OFF on annabeth) but goodbye my lovelies for now ❤

_Hannah

#pjo #hoo #percy jackson #leo valdez #nico di angelo #frank zhang #jason grace #grover underwood #luke castellean

[ambitionsource]

Any Asher Lucas head canons I really love their friendship?

hello anon i am back as promised with the second half of answers to the lucasher asks i got a handful of weeks ago!! seeing as its the tail end of asher’s appreciation day, i am here to deliver on discussing their friendship

so to start, i would say that marking dylan as an outlier and not to be counted (especially on asher’s end), both of them would without a doubt call the other their best friend. asher flexes a bit on this, as jade is also arguably his bestie, but for lucas there’s absolutely no contest. asher is his best friend -- he even said so in 209, which took a lot of emotional vulnerability for him to manage to verbalize -- and that title really means something to him.

to that point, though, i think it took the events of s2 for that to really cement. as we know, lucas has issues with connecting with + trusting others, and so he kind of keeps people at arm’s length. i think asher has always been a bit of an exception to this rule (which i’ll explain in a bit), but lucas was mentally able to still keep him removed emotionally in his mind bc he was like... you know, his inferior in rank / his lieutenant rather than an equal. i don’t mean that he like thought of asher as inferior, because he doesn’t -- lucas hates himself so he thinks everyone is better than him anyway lmao, but he’s also had a lot of respect for asher -- but there was able to be this... mental barrier in his head, if that makes sense. but when asher finally stood up to him, multiple times (in 207 with their argument and then in 208 when he Truly put his foot down and basically walked out of his life), that put them on equal footing on all levels and broke that barrier in his brain. and, thusly, is part of the reason lucas was suddenly able to articulate it in the following ep

but, on that note, one thing that i think makes them such good friends is that they’re both very like... not mushy. at least, not with each other. they both don’t mind side-stepping more complicated emotions and just assuming things are unspoken but understood, but are getting better at knowing the moments where something should be said

but they’re like equally weird about the same stuff, like they both don’t like birthdays + being paid attention to on their bday bc they don’t know how to process it (sans the exception of dylan, who of course asher will allow to be extra on his birthday), so they will straight up just like not tell each other happy birthday on their bdays and people are like doesn’t that upset you?? did he forget?? and they’re like no actually lucas / asher is my favorite person bc he ignores my birthday fDSJLFKGSJKGLJSGL like... they’re so fucking weird

asher is constantly trying to improve lucas’s fashion sense + design sensibility and it does not work. like nothing sticks. asher will spend an hour casually (but actually very intently) telling lucas about the nuances in color between shades and then later when he asks him a question about which shade of red they should use in the set design lucas goes “idk they look the same to me just pick one” and asher is like. bitch ur jokin... it’s lowkey funny that he keeps trying tho like lmao

so in terms of asher being slightly different than others even early on, the way this most manifests is that i think for whatever reason, asher feels safe to lucas. its an inexplicable thing, and something i dont think lucas even really realizes consciously. but he starts their friendship being like oh i’m gonna protect asher the strong must protect the sweet this lame nerd needs me, but then what it actually ends up being is more that lucas needed asher. like yes he gets asher to loosen up and let out more of his authentic self, but asher gave lucas a friendship to anchor to, someone who seemed to genuinely like him not because he was reckless or cool but just because of who he is. and even when he fucked up, asher still seemed to believe he could be better / saw him as more than that, and lucas had never had anyone in his life before like that, let alone someone where it felt that way (i.e. dylan also sees lucas that way especially now, but something about asher just made it so pointedly clear)

and how this ends up changing things is that lucas finds that like... he wants to talk to asher. he wants to be real with him, not put up the defensive, aloof façade. so you have lucas going to convince him to sneak out freshman and sophomore year so they could hang out just the two of them (a thing featured briefly in the “younger” sequence in 208), and those were the moments where he got in those conversations. and asher liked those nights too because they made him feel special, like all the people lucas could choose to hang out with and he chose him to bother and coax out into the night... for a kid like asher, younger than everyone else and an anxious mess and nerdy and he knows it, that’s like. the craziest thing ever. so those one-on-one hangouts meant a lot to both of them, though for different reasons

what’s nice too is that their friendship definitely matured and grew with them the longer it lasted, because there was an element of hero worship on asher’s end and almost belittling underestimation on lucas’s end when their dynamic started, but then it grew organically past that. and when they actually got to know one another, for all their complexities, it made them better friends. and now those misconceptions are long gone, but they still hold a lot of respect for one another.

also to this point, i do not remember if i’ve said this yet on the blog or not but so major point here -- asher was actually lucas’s first (and only, pre-riley) crush. being demisexual, he has to form a deep emotional connection with someone before he really falls for them (riley being semi the exception to this because even though he didn’t really fall for her until they became friends from the get-go he was like okay so she pretty....... whatever tho idc like uh huh sure lucas). and like late in freshman year, maybe even early that summer, lucas and asher had become pretty good friends and were spending a lot of nights hanging out together and talking, and one of those nights they were talking about something semi-serious, and lucas was just looking at him and just realized like wow hm i could kiss asher... and then he was like WAIT HUH?!?!?!?!?!?! cause he’d NEVER had thoughts like that before and suddenly he was having them about his best friend, and that best friend was dating his other good friend and it just FREAKED him out he was like HELLO BAD WEIRD WRONG??? so he stifled that deep down and lowkey ignored asher for like two weeks until it passed -- which of course made asher worried he did something wrong or pissed him off, but thankfully that passed without much commentary or further discussion. lucas has mostly forgotten about it now.

that being said, if you ever told asher he was lucas’s first crush, he would never ever believe you.

they really enjoy discussing / debating each other, especially since lucas is truly equally as clever as asher, but it’s a really careful line because one wrong comment from either of them can send them tipping into actual argument bc they’re also very good at pushing each other’s buttons. this is why dylan’s presence is extremely helpful at keeping them balanced.

and this is kind of a key trait to their best friendship, which is that they make awesome best friends, but my god they would make TERRIBLE romantic partners. they cannot communicate when it really matters (especially about stuff that makes them embarrassed like romance, which they can barely do with their actual partners); they push each other’s buttons; they love each other’s flaws as friends but would drive each other crazy as lovers. like the people they’re with for love are exactly the people they need, understanding, soft, patient, and good at communicating. if lucas and asher dated, they would kill each other within the first week.

one of the first times dylan, asher, and lucas really hung out as a trio involved “wilding” asher, which meant dressing him like lucas and getting him to be more reckless and freewheeling for an afternoon. they didn’t do anything crazy, but lucas let asher borrow one of his t-shirts and snapbacks for the occasion. asher still has both buried in his closet, mainly because he keeps forgetting about it but also because there’s a sentimentality to them. not that he would ever ever wear them again -- yuck. asher would rather vomit

it should not be understated that the first people lucas verbally said i love you to were asher and dylan. it’s important. don’t ever forget it.

-- Maggie

#sorry this is a bit scattered but im so glad you love them!! #they deserve it!! they have one of the best friendships on the show #loving male friendships... its what we deserve #they love each other. they do. even tho they cant speak #lucas x asher #ad: asher garcia #asher garcia #lucas james friar #Anonymous #ask and you shall receive

[bxstiae]

Drops all my urls in here late as fuck :3c

[ @rejectgods / —– 🇸 🇪 🇳 🇩   🇦    🇺 🇷 🇱 ]           🇬​🇱​🇦​🇩​🇱​🇾​ 🇦​🇨​🇨​🇪​🇵​🇹​🇮​🇳​🇬​ 🇦​🇱​🇱​﹗

I cannot believe you are doing this to me Jorm. I love you man but. alright. I’m gonna do this differently than I would if it was just one URL. You have what… 5 blogs that I follow? Though I heard you were making another one. Anyway… On this post alone, I’ll give one paragraph per muse ( that I have seen you interact/post on ). That being said, when I get the chance, I will make a google doc for your muses and get a better in depth thing per muse. I’ll probably start on it when I wake up, but you gotta give me a bit okay.

Know this: I’m doing this because I appreciate you a lot. and you deserve to know how much I do. That and well holy hell, you cannot expect me not to say no to you like that when you say ‘drops all my urls.’

You KNOW that I will take that as a challenge & do it cause you said.

BTW: you weren’t late. You sent me that the same day that I posted it.

Lets start with Accelerator since you asked me on them –

Opinion on;

CHARACTER IN GENERAL: An asshole tbh. An Overpowered little shit. Okay. Really though, from what I’ve gotten though in the little stuff I’ve watched with you? THEY!!! ( honestly forgive me if I say he. I naturally tend to lean towards those pronouns even for nonbinary characters ) Anyway they are honestly a mood tbh. Just not giving a damn but also defending theose they care about. Definitely psychotic, but its okay, I suppose they are allowed to. Then again, we barely scraped the surface with ToAru so maybe I’ll wait until I know more.

HOW THEY PLAY THEM: I’ve only see a little bit of Accel, but from what I know? It’s really good! Then again, your prose in general is something I absolutely love. There is big of edge to Accel that’s different than the other muses too. Like I’m not saying they’re edgy - they just has something very specific to them that I like.  

Read more now cause I wrote an Essay for you.

Lets go with Lif first, cause that was the first blog I followed @ultaegrr –

CHARACTER: Cold, ruthless, unforgiving, spiteful.. Like honestly I feel like there are a lot of words to describe Lif, and yet, none of them really describe him. He’s a very complex character. Like VERY complex. I could give you my aspect of him but honestly, that can wait for the doc. Nonetheless, he is actually a character that I would get my grubby paws on to RP as. I probably won’t for the sake of my sanity but I do really have my own portrayal of him that I would want to try out.

YOUR PORTRAYAL: Given that your Lif is canon-exclded and not the Lif from the games, I can go into a rabbit hole with this one. I will not ( again, we will save for that doc ). I will only brush up on a few things. He’s by far my favourite out of your muses. Like of all of your muses, I would pick Lif as your best one. Your prose on him is my favourite from all your muses and I would be content with just following him ( and Kiran ). That being said, you know I would follow you anywhere anyway cause you’re my friend and I support your brand. Anyway, sorry but I’ll elaborate some other time.

Kiran is next cause honestly… Kiran @breidabllk

CHARACTER: I can’t really go into depth with them as they are like an OC? They aren’t really but its the player  of FEH. Each kiran is unique to the player. So don’t have much to say.

PORTRAYAL: honestly when I think of Kiran, I think of you. This is a loaded statement too, cause it can be meant in different ways. One way: I literally think of the summoner as your Kiran. Granted do I have my own crack Kiran? Yea, you know that. But honestly, the first thing I think of when I see the name is… yours. Like if somebody were to say who should I follow for the summoner, you would be the first person to come to mind. I have others as well but you’re the main one. The second way?: Kiran is you. You are Kiran. to a degree. Like??? I know they’re not. but at the same time, there are so many things about you two that are similar. But that’s why I think I love your Kiran so much. They’re so realistic. Like there is a part of you in them. It’s not just a character. They feel so tangible compared to other characters and I can’t describe it but it’s so… authentic.

Alfonse now because he’s a boi @valhoil—

CHARACTER: Honestly? Sorry to punch ya gut but. I didn’t like him. This was something different than me and Hector. Cause I didn’t CARE for hector. But Alfonse? I had experince with him already from playing FEH. and I just…. didn’t like him. I don’t know why. I think it was cause for me he was a bit of a child? But that’s not really it either. Something about him didn’t rub me the right way so I kinda just… ignored him a bit. I mean I didn’t completely ignore him cause he’s important to the story in B3 & B4. but you know what I mean. I just… was meh about him.

PORTRAYAL: Now this is where I go, yea you made me change my mind about Alfonse cause DAMN, I stan him now. I.. Really do. I will go on more into depth with him as well but again, we will refer to the doc on this one. I don’t want to sound like I’m repeating myself. I do have to say that the inner turmoil on him though is something that I support for character development. Definitely the main thing that I love about him. But more to come later.

I almost forgot about Grima.. cursed. but Grima @rotdivinity –

CHARACTER: FUCK YOU GRIMA. honestly though. I hate him as a character. I want nothing more from him than to die. Him/Her/them, whatever. That’s all you need to know for now. Grima needs to die.

PORTRAYAL: dear lord, I forgot about him but he’s definitely a favourite. From what we have discussed and talked about, you actually make me feel bad for him? Well that and your Grima is the reason why I made Emmeryn in the first place! Honestly though.. Your Grima is the only Grima I would ever want to follow and a part of me also wants to make a Naga cause of what we discussed. But you know I’d probably never make a Naga cause I don’t support her – at least from our discussions about Grima, I’ve come to despise Naga really. Lol cause I love Emm, and she loves Naga.

Okay, last one. Marth @exaltblade –

CHARACTER: I have a love/hate relationship with this tiara wearing bitch of a princess. There, that’s all you need to know.  

PORTRAYAL: can’t tell you cause you haven’t really done much with him yet. But from what I know, I am actually…. very VERY excited for him! I know you’ll do great.  

Now that I did those, let me finish the rest. I probably will elaborate more in the doc for you as well, but… you know.

The Mun: Jorm, I honestly…. don’t know where to start with you. We’ve known each other for what? 2 months? I mean I suppose longer, but we didn’t officially start talking until recently. But as you already know, I would do anything for you. We are so close to each other too! Like really?? I have never vibed so well with somebody so hard and fast. But with you I’m just like damn, I will absolutely do anything for you. I don’t know why? I really don’t but honest to the gods, I truly do care about you a lot. I love talking to you on the phone. I worry for you when you are being quiet. I know that I can be a bit too much sometimes, and I’m sorry for that, but you know that when I see your name, its like when I see Core’s name. I get excited and it makes my day. I hope you know that. And if you didn’t, well I am tell you now. :)

Do I:

RP with Them: Yea I do. Well I’d say I do, but you know Chrom is put on hold at the moment. That being said, we’ve done a LOT of plotting and discussion on a lot of things and on just about every muse too. So you may not always see the RPs but we do.

Want to RP with Them: Of course! Honestly, I don’t care for speed. We could never RP in our lives, but we talk about our muses all the time okay? and that alone makes me happy. But also yea I do want to RP. and I do, in fact, want to RP with Link. I just dont know how with Accel…  

What is my;

Overall Opinion: 

**NOTE: Mun’s answer are all to be completely honest. Don’t send url if you don’t want brutal honesty

#ooc. #rejectgods #[ jor i fucking hate you ] #[ no i love you but i hate me for literally taking this as a challenge ] #[ 1550 words ] #[ an essay about how khep loves jorm ]

[feel199x]

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ monster of my dreams ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

monster(sort of)!changbin. monsters inc!au

I II

a/n: look, i dont know how this happened either. this will probably only be two or three parts though and then i’ll give changbin a decent au where i don’t clown him

warnings: fear of darkness, angst towards the end

 You hated the dark, like, really, you were terrified of it. Sure, it may be childish, but nothing good ever happened in the dark. No one ever came home after dark and said: “Guess what amazing and totally not scary event just happened!” Because, face it, the dark was scary. Would a haunted house be a scary if it was a sunny summer day? No, it would not. It wasn’t a crippling fear or anything, but truth be told you had some issues to work on.

 So when you saw this humanoid figure stepping out of your closet, you screamed bloody murder. You swore you’ve never screamed so loud as you threw your pillows and anything you could grab from your bed.

“Please,” he yelled through the ambush of thrown pillows, “Stop throwing stuff at me.”

“No!” you yelled, trying to stand as defiantly as you could, “There’s a small, short stranger in my apartment.”

“I’m not short! I’m probably taller than you!”

“Get out my apartment! I’m calling the police!”

He came fully out of the closet, approaching your bed. “Wait a second,” he said suspiciously, “You’re an adult?”

“What is that supposed to even mean? Who are you?”

He tapped the bed frame impatiently, and as you turned your bedroom light on- his face was suddenly illuminated. Oh no, he’s hot.

“My name is Changbin,” he said, “And I think a mistake has been made.”

You made a fist, wondering if you should make a run for it or call the police. You looked around the room, searching for a weapon or something you could defend yourself with.

“Can I wait here,” he asked, “Look, I know it’s weird but my boss is gonna think it’s weird if I leave after like two minutes.”

You looked at him with the face of utter confusion, you were completely lost. What kind of person breaks into an apartment by accident, and then asked to stay awhile. And besides, it’s not like he was about to listen to anyway, as he flopped himself down onto the floor and leaned against the bed frame, grumbling to himself.

 You crawled to the end of your bed, letting your head drop as you turned your head to face him. He raised his eyebrows in shock and scooched farther away from you. “You need to stay far away from me,” he stated, “I can’t get contaminated by humans.” You wanted to kick him in the shins, you really did. This guy broke into your house, refuses to leave, and you can’t get near him?

 “Humans?” you asked, “And what are you?”

 “A monster.”

 You snorted. “You’re not a very scary one.”

 “I know,” he said miserably, “That’s what they said at Monster University too.”

 “Can you get out now?”

 “No.”

 You inched closer to him, about to use his newly found fears against him. You moved slowly, but noticeably towards him.

 “Don’t! Go away! It’s just a few minutes!”

 You were making your way off the bed and towards the young man...as he patched the tempo you were moving at, trying not to set you off, but not letting you get close. That’s when you jumped at him and he scrambled for the closet. You were confused as to why he would go for the exit instead, but you sprinted, following him into what used to be a shallow and narrow closet.

 Used to be.

 Suddenly, you toppled on top of the guy who called himself Changbin, and landed somewhere unlike anything you ever seen before. It was dark, and filled with things you’ve only seen in cartoons. There were doors, everywhere, constantly moving and disappearing. Suddenly, you were being pushed off and tugged somewhere obscure. And you moved, because suddenly Changbin seemed a lot less scary standing in your room compared to the type of creatures you witnessed.

 “Are you insane?” he scolded you in a quiet voice, “Why would you follow me?”

 You flailed your arms desperately and motioned around you. “In what world,” you whisper-yelled back, “Does following someone in a closet lead here?” He tapped his foot impatiently, and took a phone-like item and called someone.

 “Felix, yeah,” he glared at you, “I have a situation.”

 Changbin grabbed you using the sleeve of his leather jacket, and hurridely moved you along what seemed like a factory, hiding you behind various objects and greeting an even larger variety of monsters until the both of you had reached a secluded room.

 “You brought a human?” a deep voice yelled, “A human into our factory?”

 You jumped at the sound of his voice, hoping to whatever god there was, that it wasn’t a terrifying monster like the ones you had seen roaming around the factory. But it wasn’t. It was another boy, another human boy.

 “Literally the both of you are human,” you commented, “I really don’t-”

 “We are not!”

 The both of them turned angrily at you, and you quickly shut up, deciding that maybe it wasn’t the best to piss off  your somewhat allies in a place that was filled to the brim with monsters. They quickly turned their attention off of you and continued their discussion of you. “Why is it such a big deal if I’m human?” you piped in, “Can’t you just send me back?”

 “They’ll kill you,” Changbin said, “And us. It’s like treason. Our worlds are seperated for a reason.”

 That response was something you had not expected, you’re not sure exactly what that was, but certainly not a death sentence. You quieted as you tried to think of a solution to your more than unfortunate situation.

 “Just make me look like one,” you said, “a monster, I mean. Make me look like a monster.”

 “That’s ridiculous-,” Changbin started.

 “No, wait a second,” Felix cut him off, “They might have a point.”

 And for the next hour, the two maybe human boys used things in the supply closet to obscure your actual identity. And by the end of that time, you were a toilet-paper mummy with the end of a mop on your head.

 “I think ___ looked scarier without the toilet paper,” Changbin commented, “Now she just looks like one of us.” The three of you waited in the supply closet until the factory was due to close down. And when it did, Felix stepped out to make sure that the coast was truly clear, and there weren’t any monsters lingering around.

 “If you’re not human then why do you look like me?” you asked, “I mean, anatomically we don’t have any differences. Okay, well we might have a few, but-”

“I’m not human,” he said harshly, “Drop it.”

 “But you’re not a monster either-”

 “Shut up!” he yelled, “I don’t know you, you don’t know me. I could lie to them  you know, and you’d be dead, but I’m not!”

 “Would a monster do that?”

 And at that moment, you knew you had pushed too far. Some line, some undrawn line in the sand, you had crossed it. And it showed in his face, the way it tightened and screwed up. But his face wasn’t read, and he wasn’t struggling to control his breath. But he was angry, and you could feel the rage coursing through his veins. For the first time that night, you decided that Changbin could sincerely, and authentically be scarier than anything you’d ever seen before.

 “Get up.”

 “Look, I didn’t mean to offend you or anything, but whatever you’re thinking about. Please, please don’t.  

 “I’m not going to say it again.”

 So that’s what you did, not trying to provoke him any further.

 No, you didn’t like the dark at all.

 Whatever you thought Changbin was gonna do, he didn’t do that. Instead, he had locked you in another supply closet, far back in the factory where it looked mostly unused. You were relieved, but angry at the same time. Because, well you were alive, but you still had a mop on your head.   

 But most of all, the part you hated the most, was being stuck in the dark, in a room you could barely breathe in. You pulled at the toilet paper around your neck, hoping that you could breathe better, but it didn’t help. You began pulling the paper from your eyes and nose and torso, but it didn’t help. The air in the room was still stuffy, and you were still trapped. You even risked banging on the door, but there was nobody there. Not Felix, and especially not Changbin.

 You were getting desperate, tears streaming down your face, until finally, the door opened.

“Oh,” Changbin’s voice softened, “I’m sorry.”

You glared at him through your glassy eyes, and even though he’d already seen the tears fall on your face- you didn’t want him to get the satisfaction from seeing you like that. Until, of course, he hugged you. He wrapped his arms tightly around you, while you stood there, face buried in his shirt.

“You’re a monster,” you said pulling yourself away, “A big, old, mean monster.”

 Changbin gave you a concerned look, and was about to say something when Felix came up running to the both of you, a worried look painted on his face. “The door,” he panted, “The door is gone. I can’t find it.” You looked at both of them, lost and confused, just like you had spent most of the night. “You can’t go home,” Felix explained, “That was your only way out.”

 A voice crept from the darkness: “Oh,” they said happily, “But there’s really no need for that now, is there?”

#stray kids #stray kids fanfic #skz angst #stray kids imagines #skz imagines #skz fic #skz fluff #skz changbin #stray kids changbin #changbin fluff #changbin angst

[m-logs]

Hello again, happy 2021.

Another year, another post written at 1:00 am. Well 1:28am to be precise. And if you guessed it, it’s due to another mental breakdown that no one knows about. Again with the insecurities, the anxiousness, and lastly, the worriesome nature of who I am.

When I woke up this morning, I knew it wasn’t going to be the greatest of days. It was the same old “wake up and attempt to start work on time” kind of feel, but today was different. I felt like taking a shower prior to work. Why? I’m not quite sure. Did it help? A little but not much. I was tired, but I knew I had enough rest last night. So why did I feel this way?

I don’t want to believe in this “Mercury in Retrograde” business, but we are in one. And perhaps that may be the reason why, or just my rising anxiety building. Or my mental state declining. Either or, it’s all the same anyways. But the more I think of it, the more I realized that having time to think for yourself (like I’m doing right now), actually helps calm me down. Trust prior to this, I was in bed crying my eyes out. But why?

I hate to say it, but I feel like I’m the jealous type. And I thought I wouldn’t be this type of person, but sadly I think I am. I know it’s nothing and I shouldn’t be upset over it, but the overthinker in me is making such a big deal out of it that this is probably why I can’t sleep right now. Well... one of the reasons. However, I know it’s nothing. Trust me, it’s nothing... HE CAN HAVE FRIENDS OK DONT BE TOO DAMN NEEDY!!! Sighs, I just need to put it out there that I’m slightly bothered by it and then be fine afterwards. This is why journaling works folks. (I know I’m going to read back on this and wonder what I was referring to... the hint is “child”).

After having that thought run through my head, more insecurities and stupidness came along with it. To add on to the jealous part, I think TikTok is messing with my mental health. Can’t believe I’m saying this (because I’m so obsessed with it), but I’m jealous of how free some people are in the posts. I guess it’s because our families don’t know, but watching how comfortable couples are in these posts make me so jealous that I can’t have that yet. It feels like I’m in a long distance relationship (even though I’m not and we’re actually so close distance wise that I can see him everyday if I really wanted to), and I feel kind of anxious when I have to lie to my parents whenever I want to go see him. I know this is my fault, because I want him to let his parents know first about us. I put in my head already that if I tell mine first, he’ll feel too pressured and tell them even he feels uncomfortable doing so. I guess I just want him to authentically tell them about me. Sighs. Why can’t I just say I don’t want to be like this anymore and just want to come clean so we can do stuff more freely together? (God damn that sentence was hard to write without bursting into tears but ANYWAYS). I don’t want to be selfish. Clearly I’m not that type of person. I know he’s also an anxious, overthinker like me. Heck that’s why I’m still so madly in love with him to begin with. But this is really a back in my head thought that just needed to be said. Unfortunately I’m not sure if I’ll have the courage to actually say this right out front (considering that last time I tried to express my anxious thoughts, I ended up having a mental breakdown on phone with him, which caused him to stay up with me until I felt better. But I know he probably had a hard time sleeping that night... so I feel bad... it anyways... sighs why am I like this?). And honestly I just had another cry session just thinking of how stupid I sound writing this. But surprisingly I feel a little better.

This extra space ^^ is killing my OCD, but anyways I’ll keep going. It actually helps transition to the other thoughts in my head.

So today I found out that I might be moving on from a place where I felt so comfortable in, but at the same time chained up. In a nutshell, another position opened up today at work, and I’m heavily considering to apply for it. Ok scratch that, I am applying. Will I get it? Maybe. I hope so. But I don’t know, I think this conversation with the boss really triggered my mental state. And I’ll explain why.

Not sure if I wrote this in a prior post, but my team really is dependant of me. Like REALLY dependant of me. And the biggest problem is my “people pleasing” nature will always hold me back from moving forward. I always see positions that I could apply to, but have the thought of “will they be ok if I leave?” The conversation I had earlier made was rather confusing, but at the end of it, I didn’t know how to feel. He said he has my blessing on moving on since this will develop my growth. But at the same time, I felt guilty afterwards as he proceeded to tell me of my flaws, of the things that I will be leaving behind. All the unfinished stuff. It made me feel like I was running away from all the problems, and that I had to fix them before I have a chance to leave. I felt uncertain of whether the decision of applying to another decision was actually the right choice. Overall, that call made me lose my appetite, and all I could think of was “should I leave for my own sake, or stay for their sake?” And then I started having insecurities with the little things, hence why my “back of my mind” thoughts came to light and was more prominent. At the end of the day, it’s a chance I have to take. There could be possibility that I don’t get the job, and I’m prepared for that. But I think I’ll be more disappointed in myself if I don’t even try in the first place. Me leaving the team will actually be a big blow, but at the same time maybe someone will pull up their socks a little. Take more responsibility and roll with it. I might be hindering that since I’m the “reliable” one that everyone goes to. Maybe being selfish is not so bad from time to time.

The spacing of the paragraphs is probably a good sign for me to go. I do feel a lot better writing down all my thoughts on here. And I feel bad, because I feel like this Tumblr is just platform for me to run away to whenever I have a mental breakdown or in my feels. But I’m grateful and there’s such a thing where I can write down stuff and have people not read/read it. Anyways goodnight. It’s 2:16am, and I finally feel tired.

[sidncymiller]

ayyyyyy friends it’s ya boi back at it again with another caustic, indifferent fuck ( ive got a type sue me ) but this ones like... a little less (ง'̀-'́)ง  and a little more  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  ya feel ??  anyway this is gonna be quick & dirty cause i dont have the bio done yet but theres some basic stats here if ur freaky like that. also she’s more into like.... people as a whole than mal is so ( as much as i love fighting everyone ) i’d love to make some connections w the charas he doesnt interact with or is a cock to !! lol ok i’ll catch y’all under the cut pce out

she’ll answer to sidney but prefers sid (or miller if you’re one of those)

demigirl, she/her pronouns and “girl” as a descriptor are fine, but for the love of god don’t call her a Woman it makes her skin crawl

pansexual but mostly a big tease who cant Seal the Deal, possibly on the ace spectrum somewhere or maybe she just watches too much porn who knows these days

as you may have inferred from her multitude of maybe-kinda-sorta labels she is a Child Of The Internet

bad case of blue and orange morality, thanks to being born and raised right here in sunny fictumterra!! she values privacy, loyalty and free will pretty high, human life and welfare pretty low, like a good fictumterran (fictumite?)

then again she does get pretty bummed out if someone new comes to town and she Digs them and then they get turned into a lamp or hot dog or whatever,,,, weak,,,,

uh she was into gymnastics as a kid and joined the cheer squad in hs just because it seemed like exactly the thing she Wouldnt do and she’s a big ‘ol contrarian

unfortunately!!! she went partially blind in her right eye when she was sixteen and her parents poisoned her and all that time spent practicing balance and spatial aawreness and shit went right out the fckn window THANKS MOM

ok backtracking a litte

her parents were members of a pro-gun, anti-government cult before she was born and got caught up in a teensy little federal building bombing and had to hightail it to FT when one of their compatriots ( fckn coward ) flipped on the group, under the advisement of their Supreme Leader

lets call him Shmavid Shmoresh

he told them to await further instructions, so they set up shop in FT and waited. since they were natural born sheeple, they acclimated to the way of life pretty quickly, and when sid was born she was brought up under the town’s value system, and now im repeating myself

ANYWAY they didn’t hear from the group until sixteen years later when Shmavid was about to be executed and announced that it was time for everyone to Ascend or whatever

so, good followers they were, they made their evening tea and laced it w rat poison and waited for the sweet chariot to swing low

unfortunately they fucked up on sid’s dosage and she survived, though, as mentioned, the poison did fuck with her cortical vision, as well as giving her an exceptionally sensitive stomach

basically she can’t eat too much or anything too rich or spicy bc her stomach linings all fucked, lots of broths and and rice and stuff, everything else comes back up, ya girl got v skinny and has mixed feelings bout that

uhhhh shes like constantly eating sugar tho, usually bubble gum, sometimes suckers or slushies. shes not supposed to but it doesnt make her puke and if she doesn’t see an immediate consequence she doesnt care ALSO she doesnt appreciate your oral fixation jokes i mean youre probably right but get some new material ok

also she still drives??? she refuses to accept that shes blind (ish, too blind to drive, ever heard of anton-babinski syndrome?) and regularly scratches or dents other peoples cars and leaves a note that says like ‘oops’ on their windshield or whatever, she loves driving you cant take it from her get fucked

her own car is a pinto thats so dinged up its basically round at this point

when her parents died there was some contention as to where she was gonna live when she got out of the hospital (not like anyone was gonna call state-run social services) so she ended up being temporarily placed in a pink flamingo room and is..... still there.....

at this point its her place she brought in her own bedding and taped pictures to the wall and installed like 40 locks on the door ok TRY to get her to leave

she works at food world to pay the (internet) bills, but her REAL job (as far as shes concerned) is running her blog ‘memoirs from murderville’ (she was a teen when she named it ok she KNOWS its dumb but she cant change it now cause fckn #branding. trust her, she hates it more than you do)

its essentially a diary that she writes under the name jim sheldon (an homage to the badass author alice sheldon, who wrote under the pseudonym james tiptree jr) about her life and daily experiences in FT with all the names and relevant details and such changed

it started as a stupid joke (and a way for her to disassociate!!! holla) when she was in high school, but then it got a shout-out on some true crime podcast, and then it was in some buzzfeed article, and shit spiraled out from there

everyone assumes its an elaborate piece of fiction and its lauded in certain communities for it’s ‘brutal authenticity’ and ‘delightfully irreverent narrator’ and ‘creative spin on unsolved crime’ and ‘disturbing satire of millennial detachment in the media age’

lol academics are so weird amirite

anyway because of her commitment to the blog she makes it a priority to get to know as many residents and visitors as she can, looking for the best content and recurring characters 

shes kind of a dick and definitely a shit head but she really, genuinely does care about people’s stories (even if she doesn’t care much about most people themselves)

is she a killer??? no. well, maybe. she could be persuaded, probably. for the experience. maybe she’d like it who knows not me

does she have a death wish??? no. well, maybe. a little bit. she certainly values a good story more than she does her own dumb mortality. if it comes down to boring or dead, she’d pick dead :)

ok this got a lot longer than i thought !!! soml !!! if you read all this stream of consciousness nonsense ur an angel thank you !!!

as far as connections and such i would LOVE unknowing subjects/recurring characters in her blog, knowing subjects of her blog who love the attention, friends??? (what a concept lol), OH someone who deeply disapproves of the blog and finds it trivializing??? dangerous??? idk whatever theres lots of reasons to hate it??? maybe they wanna take it down???, LONG TIME RESIDENTS WHOVE KNOWN HER SINCE SHE WAS A KID, maybe someone who took up a parental mantle after her parents fucked off to the great gig in the sky??, uh maybe an ex or ex-friend who was disconcerted by her constant need for action and danger and bailed OR the opposite, one who pushed her a little too far and she had to bail??

idk man the possibilities are endless hmu love yall

#crimetown.intro #tw hanging #tw asphyxiation #tw suicide #tw murder #tw bombing #tw poison #i think thats all of it??? #damn seth calm tf down

[batsysims]

100 QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKS

I was tagged by @tickledsims ty ily!!

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? CLOSED when i was younger my little sister had a baby doll that would talk on its own at night and we called it the demon baby and hooooly shit

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? i dont take those bc my hair cant take cheap hair products but i do take the soaps!!

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? i put the mattress cover sheet thingy on my bed but i dont use an actual sheet :/

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? nah lol

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES? YES i love using office supplies i could spend all day at staples omg

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? no lol but il save the lil receipt coupons and find them in my wallet months after they expire

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? hhhhh bees

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? yep!! i love them its why im scared to use foundation i dont wanna lose em

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? i either smile or if my moms takin the pic il make a stupid face 

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? i have terrible road rage...... um........... i also hate it when men interrupt me i just walk away at that point 

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? yeah i pretty much count everything

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? i dont think so??

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? def not lmao

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? i have an eating dance, a drinking dance, and a video game playing dance hahaa

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? yes ugh it annoys me but i cant stop

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? at LEAST 0

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? i think its a single? a single or a twin either way im miserable send help

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? ummm probably You by Weird Milk?? its the most recent song i added on spotify so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? yeah def unless its one of those “real men wear pink shirts” like just.... stop

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? sometimes my sister makes me watch stevens universe?? il watch phineas and ferb too bc honestly who doesnt anime too but not always cartoon ones or w/e

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? 2001: A Space Odyssey and Daughters of the Dust come to mind

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? u kno where ;) no how big is the treasure?? if its a lil bit id put it in that drawer under the oven bc my family never uses that but if its BIG TREASURE id hide it in the backyard of the last house i lived in bc a. nobody lives there now and 2. its totally overrun with green bc of like two floods

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? water! only water ever

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? honey if theyre mcnuggets but other than that i use honey mustard!

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? chicky parm

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE? honestly Inception is my feel-good movie

27. LAST PERSON, YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU? a lil babu

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? i was in girl scouts much longer than i ever wanted to be lmao WISH i coulda done BOY SCOUTS

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? if cash is involved absolutely

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? aboutttt three months ago!

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? no but i can watch

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? when i first got my license yea :( 15 yr olds are dum

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? twice! very good memories

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? egg salad gud

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? the all star breakfast at waffle house yasssss

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? honestly like 9 since i always have to wake up at 7 in the am but il stay up til 11 if i can

37. ARE YOU LAZY? absolutely when have ACTIVE ppl done ANYTHING

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? i was usually a cat bc i never could find a costume i liked smh but when i was 2 i went as winnie the pooh lmao

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? ox!

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? just english but im tryna learn spanish and japanese and im fluent in french if a two year olds speech patterns can be considered as such

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? nah

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? LEGOS lincoln logs are big with nostalgia thoooo

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? with dumb shit yeah but i usually just dont care enough abt stuff to deal

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? theyre both old idc

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? no lol

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? not really tbh i like the adrenaline

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? if im alone!! nobody deserves to hear that

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? nahhh

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR? when im in the drive thru haaaa

50. EVER USED A GUN? id like to go to a shooting range some time but ive never used one im also very anti gun so i probs would never buy one unless it was a cute lil glock i can handle well

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? st patricks day it wasnt technically for me tho

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? not in general but when ppl start obsessing over a certain one for months on end abt a certain time period and certain performers and certain songs and certain people of history i start wanting ppl to die

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? YEAH I NEVER HAVE MONEY WTF

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? my sisters obsessed with them so yea but never like. authentic polish potato pockets or anything just a frozen box of em

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? apple?? im not rly into pie tbh

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? ive wanted to go into law enforcement/criminology my whole life!! for a sec i wanted to be a firefighter, a journalist/writer/poet, and some sort of artist but u know how kids are

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? i tried to find that clip from malcolm in the middle for like ten mins but i couldnt yea

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? doesnt everyone tho?

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? no im a bad adult

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS? nah

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? im not rich!!

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? usually just my undies but when im living with other people il wear a soft shirt and my dc heroes pajama bottoms ayyy

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? ive never been to one! i was gonna go see metallica in baltimore but i moved before i could smh

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? walmart sry targets cool but too much money!!! i go there for home things tho does kmart still exist

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? ADIDAS ive been trying to get a full adidas tracksuit for YEARS

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? fritos! i like the super hot cheetos tho

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? peanutsssss

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? Nope but they must be good im keepin @tickledsims response bc it made me laugh

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? when i was a lil babu i took ballet and gymnastics a lil later

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? i hope to never have a spouse  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? yep

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? ive actually never even had a spelling bee im sure theyre a myth

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? i think so??

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? nah

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? nahhhhh

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? no but i had a roommate who did i fell in love

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yeah ok lol so one time when i was a sophomore my french teacher had to use a substitute teacher and hes the reason i believe in love at first sight im STILL in love with him wtf ive also had a bf haha im hilarious

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? i dont really do concerts so i couldnt say but i think matd would be fun!!

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? oh my god

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? hot!!!!

81. TEA OR COFFEE? coffee!!!!!!

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? i dont rly like either but i prefer snickerdoodles over sugar

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? i can only do that weird frog swim i forget what its called so no im shit at it

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? ye

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? if im able to distract myself?? it also depends on the severity of what im waiting on i guess

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? probs a band i guess i dont rly think abt that kinda stuff sry

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? when i was four i won a coloring contest at the ice cream store

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? nope im poor 89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? both are good!

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? i can knit but i cant crochet

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? fckn bathroom

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? not rly unless its a partnership longlasting romance stresses me out especially with financial responsibility etc

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? -20 years

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? my high school boyfriend hahaaa h,,,,

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? im an adult sry

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 1!

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? nope! lmao i love her tho

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? red but i also like many others??? idk

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? ummm not rly?? im not close enough to anyone to miss them and those i am close to im able to hang with

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? god uhhh if you havent done it already and want to, @dreambot @nebula-simms @ellowynsims and @pixelbloom

#tag challenge #nonsims #ty lol that was fun

[sorcieresque]

clea and daisy and trying to build a friendship out of thin air when you’re either fake or a mess at social interactions while also being high as fuck: The Convo

(please do yourself a favor and install x-kit’s read-more now bc daisy’s theme is unreadable)

Today at 12:45 AM

sorcieresque Do I remind you of your Mother.

bythepowerof4 absolutely ot also this is a little silly daaisy *not

bythepowerof4 haha are you gonna send this to everyone :p

sorcieresque No, I'm asking you. Specifically.

bythepowerof4 ok thats a little weird then but ok

bythepowerof4 no you do not!! my mother is nice and not magical yeah whhat data are u hoping to gather here exactly??

sorcieresque Scientific data. Specifically.

bythepowerof4 lmao sure hit me with ur hypothesis miss daisy also i know i contain multitudes or whatever but 1 is a pisspoor sample size haha

sorcieresque How dare you question my methods.

bythepowerof4 i am taking one whole chemistry class this year how dare you how dare me!!!

sorcieresque How dare you d are me dare you to answer my question.

bythepowerof4 im too tired to tack another how dare on there just imgine i did ok fill in the blanks How are u holding up lmaoo. see ur maneater hobby is going well right now

bythepowerof4 ok wow daisy youre beinng linda gross :// Kinda

sorcieresque It's a joke Humor! Specifically.

bythepowerof4 hahahahaha youre so funny!!!

sorcieresque Thank you, Clea Spacebabe, Specifically

bythepowerof4 dont do that :/

sorcieresque Do what

bythepowerof4 be MEAN and weird for no reason and not even be that good at it its stupidd

sorcieresque He started it by babbling like a toddler about having my meanness all figured out, and besides, he pulled the same move on Tyler the other week God, Clea, it's almost like you're getting soft

bythepowerof4 god daisy its almost like i always was :p

sorcieresque For Men? Specifically? I may have misunderstood something

sorcieresque Grieviously so

bythepowerof4 fuck off oh my god i dont care about him bc hes gross but now YOUREbeing gross so what am i meant to do with that huh huh

sorcieresque I have found through my scientific endeavors that people in this school do not know how to take an vulgar joke We're teenagers for god's sake Get real

bythepowerof4 xactly if they dont know how to take it as a joke that makes it sad and mean like how youre always sad and mean to moire and its not gonna come off like a joke when you keep beating each other hp its gonna come off weird and creepy which it did but if you wanna be weird and creepy cb ur a teenager fine i guess??

sorcieresque That's judgmental of you

bythepowerof4 thats judgmental of you to call me judgmental

bythepowerof4 sorry i dont like, get the appeal of ur hobbies

sorcieresque Taylor and I are not sad and Mean to each other, I'll have you know I got her a twenty thousand dolalr Book that she hates and either way What Tyler and I get up to is not your space babe business So forgive me If I infer that you amy perhaps be Jealous

bythepowerof4 why?? would u infer that???? if youre friends thats good i want you to have lots of friends?????

sorcieresque You seem, as the kids say, Salty

bythepowerof4 daisy no offence but im not very jealous ofthe girl who you punch in the face sometimes and try to humiliate online

sorcieresque Oh Do you actually mean it then That you think I am weird and creepy?

bythepowerof4 hhhhhhhh no

sorcieresque You said it

bythepowerof4 i think youre BEING weird and creepy :(

sorcieresque Do not make me pull reciepts

bythepowerof4 do not make me crytype at u ill do it!! im sorry youre not creepy except for when you try to be you know cause u do that

sorcieresque I wasn't trying to be this time, I was making humorosu statements about People's mother complexes Taylor walked straight into that One Tyler*

sorcieresque [[ actually lets retcon that correction taylor is way funnier

bythepowerof4 i think talking about pples mothers complexes in a weird sexy way is automatically creepy tho

sorcieresque Hence, the humor Whatever, ET You don't get it

bythepowerof4 no i dont glad we cleared that up

bythepowerof4 that sounded rude igore that

sorcieresque Can't and shan't

bythepowerof4 boo

bythepowerof4 i already said sorry right cause i thoght i did but u havent said anything so maybe i made that up

sorcieresque Yes but you're just sorry you have hurt my delicate sensibilities,  not that you think I'm weird That's un-takeback-able Grievously so

bythepowerof4 Being Weird thats a different thing???

bythepowerof4 i mean sure naybe i am a little jealous bc apparently beating u up is takebackable but saying one wrong thing isnt that seems about right huh u dont even care abut my delicate sensibilities daisy u dont get to be picky about this when im sorry which i very totally sm ):

sorcieresque I like when Tyler beats me up Wording Terrible wording

sorcieresque I encourage Tyler to beat me up for I do the same to her and so we are Even When have I ever not cared about your delicate sensibilities except for the thievery, the unkindness, the coy filirting and hot and coldness, the attempt to use you as a hitman, and the backahanded mockery of your interest

bythepowerof4 thats not funny :/

sorcieresque Of which I do not longer have done to you I'm a different person now than I was a month aho

sorcieresque None of the things I type are coming out the way I want them to sound which would fundamentally reapir the fragile emergence of our tentaitvie friendship

bythepowerof4 i mean accetping my apology might have worked Or giving, one, but u know go with ur gut be ur authentic self or whatever

sorcieresque Now who's being mean

bythepowerof4 nlehhhhhhh. Fine. its me i mean no bc im trying to be nice but ur not letting me !!

sorcieresque How so

bythepowerof4 like i said sorry and you said you didnt believe me thats not fair bc it was true?? and then ur talking about our budding friendship like you actually care abt it and IM the bad guy ):

sorcieresque Making friends is so hard

bythepowerof4 Nnot normally sometimes

sorcieresque I know I'm abnormal

sorcieresque It's generally frowned upont to point it out I had hoped You specifically

bythepowerof4 thats not what i meant dont do that ):

sorcieresque Wouldn't find it offputtin

bythepowerof4 ???? wouldnt find what offputtin

sorcieresque My glaring abnormality I'm too high for this

bythepowerof4 im not a jerk why do u think im a jerk and if u WERNT high ud be too sober for this and not talk about anything duh

bythepowerof4 i, am an open book, always

sorcieresque Oh are you Spacebabe then why won't you answer my question about yout Momther

bythepowerof4 "no you do not!! my mother is not magical yeah"

bythepowerof4 i didnt realise you wanted an essay lmoa

sorcieresque It was a scheme! A sly plan! To get to know you! You fool! You moron!

bythepowerof4 oh

bythepowerof4 i dont always get that stuff im sorry also i was told several times that you never try to get to know people and its all on me all the time and i was dumb and believed that so uh. Didnt occur to me igues

sorcieresque Well that's true but I am trying new things New school new me

sorcieresque Why are you out there

bythepowerof4 i like the view. scary forest full of things that would kill me, very comforting

sorcieresque It's only scary if you let them scare you Give me a moment

sorcieresque [Maybe five minutes later Daisy gets up with far more difficulty than she would otherwise, and stumbles out onto the porch. She hears rather than sees Clea crying, and she isn't sure what pushes her to do it, but instead of continuing the argument in person she simply lies her head on Clea's lap and continues blogging on her phone.]

bythepowerof4 [daisy's head on their lap prompts a fresh ugly sob, and they try to wipe away the snot before it drips onto her hair. gross. they let her blog in peace for a while, feeling even more like the bad guy - maybe five more minutes, till they can't help but ask.] is nick mad at me too??

sorcieresque [Daisy shrugs widely, her words low and dragged out.] Maybe. I'll ask him not to be, [she says, as if that would solve everything and who knows: Maybe it would. They work in mysterious ways.] Do not call me weird again.

bythepowerof4 [they squint down at her, sniffling in a way they hope isn't too pathetic. they feel like she's closed off again, but take it as a peace offering.] thanks. i won't.

bythepowerof4 [they can't come up with a counter demand; the conversation must have been pretty one sided. they settle for leaning back on their arms, sobs dried up.]

#offline #IM #bythepowerof4

[rawshau]

A whole fuck ton of thoughts

Jeffs thoughts fuck off mate It's interesting seeing who i am becoming. What i value. What i'm willing to do. It's like the fear is gone. Or at least leaving. Was brianna this fear? Because it seems both of us are better now that we're apart. Both of us doing more in our lives. Were we holding each other back? I'm excited to see how things will go with Leigh. I'm a little nervous but excited as well. It'll be interesting to see who she is. It's difficult trying to be flirty and shit while being deep. I mean i haven't physically seen her in years. So it's hard for me to be all flirty. She's seems really smart. Articulate. I wonder how our conversations will go. If we can be close. I hate that i still think of brianna. Most if not all my thoughts tho are of anger and frustration. She treated me like shit so much and gets everything for it. I'm sure she's still anxious as fuck and struggling financially but still she gets shit served to her on a platter. Boyfriend, couch, financial aid in multiple forms, jobs or job possibilities. I don't get why she gets to be so cruel and rude and mean all the time yet it feels like non of it comes back to bite her. Maybe it does i just dont see it. I dunno. I'm sure ill get some shit coming back to me for wanting retribution. I'm just hurt I suppose. And right now being angry is how i'm dealing with it i guess. Sometimes i wonder if something big is going on here. Like a shift in consciousness big. Both Linden and I have relationship problems at the same point in time. Brianna was pulled to a past interest, i find myself involved with a past interest. I feel like i was kinda just compelled. Or maybe that's me just justifying it. I hope i'm not rebounding. But Leigh excites me. She's smart and i find her really fuckin sexy. I want to see her. Who she really is. What is rebounding anyways. A common behavior of those who are heart broken? A copeing mechanism? Is it to make the other person jealous in hope that they will come running back because if that is what rebounding is I have no desire to be with brianna. I'm having trouble being her friend as it is. The majority of our relationship she was all take no give. Or at least that is how it felt to me. After being treated so poorly, i never wanted to do nice things for her. And she never desired me. She thought I was disgusting. Or at least that's how it felt. Around march she wouldn't even let me cuddle her. It felt like she was involved with someone else and didn't want to betray him with me. Which may even be the case. I know i don't want to be with brianna. She treated me horribly and didn't really love me. She said it a lot but never meant it. I knew i wanted out of that relationship. And now that i'm not blinded by emotions, i know this is for the best. I hope Linden and I end up going to Astral. Even for just a night or 2. I don't even need to take drugs really i kinda just wanna get drunk a enjoy that atmosphere. I think i might try a mushroom smoothy again. I definitely want a psychedelic experience again. Dunno why. Just feel like it's important. I'm feeling the fear today. It's pulling me away. An opportunity opens up as well. Someone to go with but not the one i wanted. Imagine that. Leigh is getting too real as well. I'm all self conscious about sex now. I just wannnnnna break from all this but that's me running and hiding. That's the fear. I don't really have anyone to rely on now. I'm trying to tether to someone. I just want support man. I want a best friend. Ugh fuck life right now. I feel low. If this is what people feel normally, i would definitely say people are not happy. I don't feel happy. Work is so unfulfilling. There is no one there to be social with really. I have hardly any social life. Linden is work focus, brianna had a whole new life. The only prospect i have for social interaction is Leigh and video games. And video game feel bad. They don't feel good. Leigh and I aren't really connecting. I want connection. I can't stand work right now. I mean it's a great job if you have a social life. But I do not. Maybe i'm just a little down at the moment. Some depressing thoughts. A little coffee and a muffin and ill be good to go. Yeeah probably just weeeeed hangover. Or i neeed a friend fucking shit man. Everything feels like a mistake. Not going to astral, my feelings for leigh, i feel sad. Or energyless. Or at least when im alone. I like being around people. I miss having friends. I hope that with leigh ill be able to open up and that she will too. I like all the sexy stuff but i just dont feel sexy right now. Maybe things will feel better when i see her. Fuck man. I dunno about anything anymore. I like leigh but right now i'm not feeling the attraction. Sexuality is a big fat zero. I don't know why i like the sexy talk. It just ends up making me nervous. I need to be connected to have sex... I think. But then again once i get turned on it's a whole new ball game. I probably need to see her. I sure she's hot as fuck. But fuck i need the connection. I need the spiritual love yo. I need that mask off. I dunno what i need. I wanna drink. Fuck work man. Work is the worst place ever. Love the people here just hate being here. suuuuuch a waste of time. I could be doing nothing at home right now! Or at least not being miserable. I want friends. People who care. Life without people really sucks. I dunno how linden does it. He leaves town a lot. Works with guys he can share with. Fuck man. I got like no one. Leigh just wants to fuck im sure. Which is great but w.e. I need to focus on what i like doing fuck everyone else. I want a beer. Fuck friends are 2 puss to have fun. Cuz there all sad a scared to live like i was. I don't know how to heal people. I just want to be in that energy you know? Being happy and hype is hard for our group. They take life too serious. Granted i think we know (or used to) more about our selfs because of it. I DOOOONT GIVE A FUCCCK WHHAT YAALLL THINK. WUT Wut!!! We feelin good today mate.👍 Your really bad at flirting mate. For some reason i'm a little frightened of having sex with Leigh. I'm scared of starting a whole relationship again. Scared of opening up to someone again. Which is odd because i'm pretty open to those who i can be open to. Is it the intimacy. The after sex part is scary to me. Becoming a couple. I just wanna take things slow. I like her a lot. I wanna get to know her. Spend time with her more. Being sexual with some kinda scares me. I start doubting myself or comparing myself with the idea of other people shes been with. What she'll think of me and how i look. It gets me nervous, which doesn't help with be sexual :/. My god how attached am i? Jesus last night was stupid. I keep living for/following other people. I need to find me again. Live for myself. I miss family tho. I'd love to see Dad and Chase and Yvette. Enjoy each others company. I wish linden would stick to his word. Said sometime this week we'd get the couch. Then the weekend, now nothing. My god. I feel like such a burden, like i'm using him. I am using him... But man he did say he had access to his parents vehicles. Ugh life really feels dull. I wanna get a weed vape. Something I can just suck on passively without tons of prep. I want a god damn couch to lay on. I hate depending on others they fucking suck. I really just want to rid myself of this current point in time. This "chapter" is fucking dim man. I watched teal video on belonging, it's got me thinking. Have I really ever belonged somewhere. Do i belong with someone. Was belonging the problem in my relationship with brianna? I didn't see myself belonging with her. Tho i loved her. Where do ilI belong? I never feel like i belong. I always see myself as different then others. Which makes me push people away. All i've wanted was to have loving relationships or i guess what i've wanted was to belong. To be able to be my authentic self and share it. When i think back to that summer i worked for the city. That was one of the most painful moments i had. It took months to stop smoking and to get back to being me. I had friends tho. I had support. We hung out still. And it seems no matter how hard i try people dont wanna hangout. Maybe it's because i rely on linden. I cant think of someone else tho that i can hangout with and have fun. I just remember when me and linden were chilling a long time ago he got a call from shelby to go to slave lake. Things just happened to us. I was happy. We have a stronger relationship. Now it's just vacant. I wish i had friends :/. Fuck girls for now srsly i don't think i focus on that. If leigh wants to hangout/hookup w.e I wanna figure my own life out for me and not for someone else. 😁😁😁👍your trippin a lil mate.✌️ I have a fear that i'll be boring. That i'm not enough. My aversion to going out. I just don't know. She's special. I like her. Still need to share more. To see into her. Intimacy. Tho we are very sensual. I sure am thinking about her a lot. I need to remember to focus on foreplay. I want her all riled up. I like a little less tongue wile killing to be honest. I like to progress into tongue. I think about who she is the and i swoon a little. The things she says, just these small little things i see her do, reminds me of a side of myself. I llllliiiiikkkkkeeeee her. I guess well see where this goes. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I want to give her her space. I'm trying not to rush this. Buuut i keep thinking about her. I feel less shy and nervous with her. Which leaves excitement. I enjoy how sensual she is. She caresses my skin. Bites my shoulders. I wanna make her moan and rive and wiggle with pleasure. I wanna take my time and learn what she likes and doesn't like. I want her to grind down on me. I wanna do her from behind nice and slowly. Heheheh god she gets me turned on. To be honest I'm messaging her no more then normal. So I don't think i'm being needy or clingy or what ever the fuck. But yeah since yesterday there's been nothing. I kinda like her. I'm sure she's not used to having someone in her life, seeing how it's been 2 years. Might be a bit scary for her. Take time for yourself Jeff. You're being a idiot mate. It's been one day. Let her miss you if she misses you. You need to be able to be on your own. To be alone. To be satisfied with just being. If you focus on her that is all you're gonna be. Focus on you for a little. How else are you going to share yourself with her if you just focus on her. This is attachment mate. Don't be attached. Why is it I can't be alone. Why is this so hard. What happens if she doesn't text back. What if she just wanted sex? Does she even like me? AHHHHHHGHGHGHHJJNHHKKKKK. This is rather frustrating. And it's only the first day. I have to basically wait till the weekend for something to happen. Ughhhhh what if she doesn't text me again. I LIKEEE HERRRR UHHHHGGGGHH I have a feeling I'm not going to hear from her. I think I was just being used. I don't know how she feels. I don't think she likes be, she could possibly be a fuck girl. I think Thursday i'll message her again. But nothing sexual. Wow this sucks. I just wanted to get to know her better. She's used to these kind of relationships. When you sleep together and then after an amount of time contact eachother? I dont know. It feels kinda fucked mate. I know she said this was moving kinda fast so maybe she just needs sometime to herself. She's going through a big transition with work as well so give her time she's not just gonna up and leave. Here i am actually putting myself out there. And now i feel too dependent on people. I'm hesitant to text linden because i feel like I'm using him. I just sent a big message to leigh which i dunno how it'll be received. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wanna do stuff with people but shit feels needy if i ask. I don't know what's right. I used to spend my weekends playing nothing but video games. At it was easy to do that. Now everything feels wrong. Should i just get high after work? Go biking or long boarding? Ill text linden at lunch see if he's free to chill tonight. I desire quality time with friends, family and loved ones. I realize how important these things are in life. They are really all that matter. Take away the entertainment, the materialism, or daily monotonous routines and all we have left is each other. I find it a little sad even how satiated we are by tv, and video games. Or that we struggle in each others company without some sort of drug influence. But to be honest, at least tho who go out and drink socially AND actually enjoy each others company are being around other people. God I'm such a needy fuck. I should have waited. Srsly what could she be doing? I guess starting work at new place or with new people would be difficult and occupying. She doesn't seem to check her phone much anyways. Bahhhghhhh i have no one to talk too bout this! I should do something tonight. Something to keep me busy and active. I need to get my registration done. Change my mail address. Baking Soda the carpet. Maybe some groceries. Muggins with linden? If he actually answers his texts. Dating kinda sucks. Just in the sense that you don't get to see each other when you want. Are we dating? Are we "seeing each other". What title do we have? This whole game makes me feel less secure about anything or everything. People use the loose terms to get out of possible relationships alll the time. Leigh seems like such a good person tho. I keep having these fears that she's doing other people. Purely just anxiety on my part. I trust her when i'm with her, i only feel this when she's not around heh. I wanna see her...:( NEVER CHASE A BITCH. Fears confirmed. She just wanted to fuck and chuck. She lead me on pretttty hard. But maybe I turned things to serious too quickly. I don't think i'll be able to keep things casual tho. I have a feeling i'm not the only casual guy with her at the moment. Which makes me feel like such an idiot. And definitely don't feel like i can be close with her. God i feel like shit now. All she sees is appearance, which is sad. She can't see beyond the superficial. I'm just a cute 6'2 blonde guy to her. Maybe i'm being a little harsh, but I know what I felt. I knew I wasn't the only one. Makes me feel like a fool. Well see where this goes but I don't think i want to keep hurting myself. I did this to myself. I get toooo attached and this is what happens. W.e I can deal with this. Maybe this is just what I needed in order to be myself. In order to get over Brianna. In order to be ok with myself. Maybe i am the only guy? Who knows? I think i need to focus on myself rather then her. It's helped me realize a lot of things about myself. It's scary to open up to people. To get close. To let yourself feel love for another. To care. So if anything this shows me that I'm still who i want to be. And yeah it's going to hurt. Let it. It hurts because you opened yourself to the possibility of seeing another as yourself. Maybe leigh just needs more time to see me? Maybe this kind of relationship is what you need this year. Casual. Don't chase her. Don't care about who else she's with. Just be you. This is ok. Not surprising actually. I can understand why she would be like this. I don't know her story but i'm guessing she has felt a lot of abandonment. Lack of belonging. I wonder if she knows what love feels like. If she remembers. As far as i know she keeps men and an arms length. By that i mean she probably only keeps physical relationships. She doesn't share her past and satisfies the closeness issue with a bunch of superficial questions to create the illusion of being close. But she really hides her pain. Hides her vulnerability. Doesn't allow for her emotions to be felt. It's truly such a sadness because she is such a beautiful person. I wonder if she'll let me see her. She hides extremely deeply. Quite the challenge. If i can get her to smoke some weed with me i feel we might be able to connect. Who she is drunk could show some indication of who she is. But she lives in that. It's normal for her. So she could have a mask in such a state. Guess well see where this goes. How do i even act around her. I mean next time we hangout is she gonna be able to control herself? Will I? Are we supposed to? How is this canoe trip gonna go? I don't want to do heavy drugs. But it might not be tooo bad. James concerns me little. I don't want all of them looking to my guidance either. Sounds stressful. She used to be very flirty, but now? Nothing. Either she's scared of leading me on. Lost interest. Or scared of her own feelings. Maybe feeling guilty about the other guy? Kinda sucks, i liked having someone to talk to. She seemed very smart. And very interested. I wonder if i was just fucked and chucked. Will she peruse a hangout date? Because it's really not up to me anymore. It's allllll about what she wants. This isn't what I want tho. So in my mind were just friends. I'm attracted but I don't know if I can act on or allow physical interaction. Wtf is a "date" to her? I don't know what this even is anymore. It's all in her control now. She texts me when she wants to, she sees me when she wants to. It's exactly what she wants. She's no longer interested in me anyways. Relationships suck, I think i'll just do me man. If at anytime Leigh does want to hangout i guess I'll see how I feel about that. But I hardlyn doubt she ever just text me randomly for that. She has guys on the side for sure. I'm just being used. Again... Now my dad is all fuckin weird. How am i going to enjoy this trip like this? Ughhhh i just want to be free of all this bulllshit. Leighs bull shit, my dads bull shit, the feeling hollow emptyness. All of it sucks cock. I need a god damn smoke. Rebounding was a horrible idea but fuckin hell she just slept with me and peaced out. What a horrible thing to do man. This feels awful. I liked her man. She was just too perfect. And I don't think ill see her again. Well see where this goes. At Least you got to talk to her and share how you felt. Don't hold on to the idea that she'll want to be exclusive. I dont want to pressure her into a relationship if she doesn't want to be in one. If there ends up being someone else i'll just ask her to inform me first, and ill figure if this is something I want to continue. Remember to stay movin mate. Sittin on the couch first thing in the morning is a bad habit. Just sit outside with a coffee. Enjoy the summer warmth. Keep your space clean. I don't know what I want. I don't know if i can have a casual relationship. It feels so hollow. Devoid of love, intimacy. Where is this going? Is she just gonna come by some nights to fuck? We don't do anything else. I doubt she'll wanna go snowboarding. I don't know if i even want a relationship with her. Everything feels weird about it. Everything feels secretive. Like we aren't supposed to open up to one another. All this is is just sex. Sex and cuddling. We think that's what we want but it really isn't. I need connection. I need to feel that chemistry, that desire. I don't know if I feel that. There is passion but I just don't know if this is what I really want. Ill give it some time to figure out where this is going or what this becomes. I find myself having trouble relaxing and enjoying myself with her. Over thinking this just enjoy being around her. Brianna came by just now. She looks strung out. Depressed and no energy. She got mad at me for hugging her. Felt like she just doesn't anything to do with me anymore. Hurts a little. I still have love for her. She needs to figure out what it is she really wants. God she is beautiful tho. Hurts to see her like that. She's obviously gotten into drugs with them. Poor girl. Definitely not what she deserves. But i suppose it's what she brought on herself. I really hope brianna takes care of herself. I feel she may have been banking on me as a safety net to come to incase her relationship didn't work out. But how fair is that? Did she not expect me to move on? Did she not hurt me several times intentionally to get me to leave. Why is it now that we are no longer "best friends"? How does me being with someone hurt her so much when she had the chance to be with me so often, but never wanted to do anything. I appears to be a little selfish on her side. To want me to be with no one, while she's off gallivanting with Mac-fly. Maybe she didn't think this through. I still care about her, but she is on her own now. There is nothing I really can do about it. Besides, Leigh is a pretty dope girl and she needs my support or rather deserves my support. But honestly girls and these kinds of relationship make life rather difficult. I just wanna hangout and have fun man. Fuck trying to make shit happen. Maybe it's like how she was with Mac when she was with me. She has feelings and she can't be around me without feeling them. Odd though. We were around one another lot during her relationship. Maybe she finally felt how she feels about me when she realized that I'm moved on. She must know that I feel the same way. She was scared to show it. Because it would betray Mac-lame.(haha i'm sure Mac is a nice guy). Guess I'm just not what Brianna needs right now. Or Brianna isn't what I need right now. Regardless i hope she takes care of herself. I do care and worry about her. In retrospect now it kinda feels like she may have done acid and possibly had a bad trip? I notice more now how i treat her or rather how i perpetuate the relationship. I seem to treat her as someone who needs to be cared for or comforted rather then just a normal person. That has been the majority of our relationship tho. Do i have to see her differently? I'm just gonna be me. I care about her I'll show her that I care. This whole friends off thing kinda hurts. Why is it we can be friends when she's with someone but if I find a casual relationship it's all friends off can't be around one another. Unless it's like when we we're together and she couldn't be friends with macfuckface. The thought of them being intimate still just makes me sick. I dunno what to do about this. I feel for brianna still. I still live her, tho i don't think I'm in love with her. I tried to kiss her only once while we were still living together to see if she still reciprocated how I felt. She's compulsively leaned in for a kiss a couple times tho that was more so out of habit. I still want a future with her but I don't know how that would work. I don't see how we could be together. She still treats me like shit, i still want to be her protecter or w.e it is I do. How could that work? Do we need more time? Or are we just not meant to be together. I just hope she's safe. Leigh. Leigh, Leigh, Leigh... Dunno what this is gonna become. I'm catchin feelings already a little. And getting really turned in my you. I might be calling you over to help me sleep more often. Dunno how i feel about the whole casual thing. I know your with other guys. Doesn't bother me too much because I don't know them or see your feelings for them. Which is good. And i suppose this leaves me single technically. Which is also nice. I do feel a bit guilty for perusing someone else while having this kind of relationship. Not that I'm actually perusing anyone. This will be an interesting challenge. I suppose this what i'm ready for? I wanna snowboard. With me mates. This sucks. She comes into my life for a moment and then bam gone. Is it because she's catching feels? And it scares her off? Is she just really busy? (Doubt it we texted constantly while she was busy). Is it some other guy she hasn't told me about? Is this just how it's going go be? See each other one night and that's it for the week? That feels so sad tho. I'm just developing feelings for her and they wither when we are separate for so long. Not to mention our only time we spend together is at my house. I'd like to do stuff with her. She seems fun and has a playful heart that I only get a peak at. If all we have is pillow talk and movies, I'm going to annoy the shit out of her:/. I don't like the feeling of her being with other guys. I thought i could handle it, but it's just feels bad now when I think about it. It kinda feels like she's avoiding me too for some reason. Like i have nothing to base that on but the feeling is there. Could that be a connection of some sort? Are we becoming more "linked". I don't really know what that even is. But you sure do feel it. I don't know what's wrong. I know trying to force sex has always been an issue for me. Looking back it took a while for me a brianna to get to where we were. I think the lack of love is also causing a problem. I guessss i need to just stop focusing on her. Worry bout myself and things will feel fine. If the feels get too strong have a smoke. I don't know how she feels about me. I don't know if she likes to even be here. To come over and cuddle. I wish we did that more these last couple visits. It's always a night time hookup. Which in my mind eludes to sex. Which is my fault. Ugh I assume to much. I need to let things happen if they'll happen again... I just don't feel like love is possible in this relationship. And that's what I think I want. I've been to focused on sex On giving her what I think she wants from this relationship. What do I want from this relationship? Because this relationship, whatever it is, is driving me nuts. So my life isn't with her, but i have feelings for her, i think. And i can feel the emptiness she has for me. Or the inability to reciprocate. Maybe i'm just over thinking this. I like the feeling we had in the beginning. But after hearing she's incapable of intimacy and commitment. And all this inconsistency with seeing one another. It's not what I want, I don't think. Let's just forget her like i did before. I hate being attached. I hate feeling for someone who is unwilling to share her feelings with me. Lets just not focus on sex. Movie cuddles haven't happened in a while. The next time i see her lets just do that. I hate feeling so attached. Stops me from being in the moment.