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hiding-all-the-bodies · 1 year

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The Werewolf's Good Christian Kiss

Below is a cursed AI-Generated Werewolf Romance Story that my roommate and I worked on. It is a genuine masterpiece.

It was all she could do not to stare.

In front of Nathalie stood the sexiest werewolf she had ever seen, eating a cup of strawberry almond milk yogurt sensually. He was naked except for his leather sandals and a pair of gold-rimmed glasses. His black hair was wet with sweat from running through the forest, but he seemed totally relaxed. His pale skin glistened in the sunlight as it reflected off his light brown nipples.

Unfortunately, he had hairy toes. It was one of her least favorite things about men; she couldn't understand why they just didn't shave them.

But other than that minor flaw...

"You're really hot." She couldn't help herself.

He barked at her like a furry. "And you're really pretty." He licked his lips. "I'm so glad we got to spend time together today. I've been looking forward to this since forever."

She blushed.

Suddenly, her hand shot forward and knocked the yogurt cup out of his hand.

"If I can't have yogurt, no one can," she growled.

The wolf's eyes turned into fireballs. "That was mine!"

Nathalie shrugged. "Sorry. But I don't eat meat or dairy anymore."

His eyebrows furrowed. They looked like caterpillars. "Are you vegan?"

"Yes! So if you want my body, you'll have to take it in trade."

He laughed. A low, throaty sound. "Oh, baby, I'm literally going to stab you with an icicle"

She grinned back. "We're even then."

He stalked toward her. "Well, you still owe me for this yogurt."

She shook her head. "No thanks."

He turned around and put clothes on. When he finally saw Nathalie again, his smile faded and he stared at her strangely. As if seeing her for the first time.

"What is your problem?" she asked.

He glanced away, embarrassed. "I finally realized that I do not like women"

She stared at him. "So what are you? Asexual?"

He nodded, although it wasn't clear whether he meant yes or no.

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Because I was eating yogurt while naked and it would be really awkward to bring it up in that situation"

She rolled her eyes. "So just come out and say it."

He sighed. "I'm gay."

Her jaw dropped open. "Gay?"

He nodded. "I mean, I guess I wouldn't mind having sex with you, but..."

Nathalie rolled her eyes and handed him a razor. "Please shave your stinky hairy toes"

"Uh, thanks"

"Also, please stop staring at me"

"Okay, okay. Sorry"

She smiled. "I forgive you"

They spent the rest of the day in the woods, talking and laughing.

So was he asexual or gay, or both? Was he homoromantic? Who's to say?

As long as he kept his hairy toes trimmed, Nathalie didn't care.

***

When she awoke the next morning, she discovered that she was alone. The wolf must have gone home.

In his wake was a pile of blueberry yogurt cups, most likely left from the night's hunt.

At least she had survived another full day with him without getting eaten by any bears.

***

Day 21:

Nathalie sat in bed, reading the newspaper. She had been meaning to get around to doing that for weeks now.

She wondered if the werewolf had kept his toes trimmed since the last time she saw him, 21 days ago.

She remembered how much he loved to run through the forest, his naked body dripping with sweat. And once he'd finished eating, he would always lick his lips and growl something like, 'You're really not my type.'

Was he gay or asexual? Did he prefer men over women? Or did he like both?

Nathalie bit her lip. Was he lying when he told her that he liked her?

Yeah, probably. Oh well, she thought. If he doesn't want to have sex with me, I don't need him anyway.

Besides, she had bigger problems to deal with right now. Like how to survive another week.

Surviving the hell we call high school.

***

High school sucked.

Everyone was mean and cruel.

They said nasty things behind your back. They laughed at you. Sometimes they made fun of you right to your face.

Like that time a girl named Sarah walked past Nathalie in the hallway and called her fat.

To be fair, she WAS fat, but still.

It hurt like hell. She wanted to kill her.

But instead, she just cried.

It was only the second day of school, and already she felt worthless.

A few hours later, she got into a fight with someone else.

That someone else had hairy toes and refused to trim them.

***

On Thursday, she woke up in a cold sweat.

She lay there for several minutes, breathing raggedly. Her heart pounded in her chest. She tried to calm herself down, but she couldn't. The only thing that seemed to give her heart rest was the thought of vegan yogurt.

But what if he had already ate all of the yogurt? Maybe he had decided to keep his hairy toes after all.

Then she thought about the werewolf's stash. It was huge. She remembered how she had accidentally knocked the yogurt out of his hand during their first encounter.

Maybe he had decided to eat all of the yogurt himself.

She shook her head. That was ridiculous. Why would he do that?

Sure, his feet smelled bad, but the idea of him eating all of Nathalie's yogurt was absurd.

Nathalie thought of all the delicious flavors available for vegans. Strawberry, plain, and plain with strawberry. There was even raspberry.

Raspberry yogurt.

Her mouth watered.

She needed some. Now.

***

By Friday, she was too desperate to wait another minute.

She grabbed the keys to her car and drove to the nearest grocery store.

She loaded her shopping basket with every variety of vegan yogurt that she came across.

In the check-out line, she saw him.

This time, he was wearing a tight-fitted bodycon dress with purple sequins. He looked good. Really good.

His hair was perfectly styled. He was holding hands with a girl who was wearing a see-through top and white shorts.

Nathalie stared at them.

The girl noticed.

Something in her... broke. Yogurt cups fell dramatically to the floor, some bursting open. The loud schlorp was heard across the store.

Nathalie stormed over to the werewolf and yanked the neck of his pretty purple dress.

"Who do you think you are," she growled at him. "Is this how you treat women?"

He looked down at his dress.

"Huh? What's wrong with my dress?"

Nathalie grabbed it and ripped it apart.

"I gave you my Sephora gift card to buy some lip gloss for me, and now you're schmoozing it up with some other woman!"

"Hey!" said the girl. "What are you doing?"

"Treating you like a piece of trash!"

"That's not true!"

The girl started to cry.

Nathalie began to sob.

"It's because I'm Lactose Intolerant!" The wolf suddenly yelled out. "It's not like I want to cheat on you or anything!"

The girl smiled. "Yes it is. You're dating me and cheating on me at the same time!"

Nathalie threw the yogurt cups at the wolf.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOT VEGAN YOGURT!!!" He screamed like a child.

Nathalie ran out of the grocery store.

***

She drove home, tears streaming down her cheeks.

She had ruined everything.

How could she ever trust anyone again?

***

The next morning, she woke up in her bed. This made sense, as she had fallen asleep there.

What didn't make sense was the wolf standing in her doorway in a fluffy pink robe and bunny slipper socks.

She looked at him.

"Where did you come from?"

"I followed you here from the grocery store yesterday"

"Oh yeah." She rubbed her eyes. "Wait, why are you in my house?"

"Because I'm gay"

"You're gay?!"

"Yeah, I'm gay"

"So you've been having sex with other people!"

"No, I've been living with two roommates since I moved in"

"You don't live here."

"I know, but I've been sleeping on their couch for years now"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want to ruin our friendship"

"But you lied to me"

"I don't lie"

"But you did"

"Show me your toes"

"My what?"

"Come on, show me your toes"

"Why?"

"You're a liar, remember? Show me your toes"

"Fine. But afterward, you have to leave me alone."

Wolf kicked off his bunny slippers and showed his hairy toes, ashamed.

"I thought you promised to keep them shaved!" Nathalie grumbled.

"I did"

"Why won't you let me shave them then?"

"I don't know, but I promise I will never shave my toes again. Not unless I want to"

"Stupid stupid stupid man" She slammed her fist against her forehead.

"What happened?"

"Nothing. Just forget it"

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Yes, go away"

"Okay."

Nathalie was so much happier without him. She still didn't have any yogurt though.

***

The next day, Nathalie woke up feeling refreshed.

She lay in bed and stared at the ceiling.

She knew she should probably get up and start her day, but she also knew that she didn't have to do anything until she felt like it.

She would call the boogey man to buy her yogurt, and then she would sit on the couch and watch Netflix all day.

It was going to be great!

***

Later that afternoon, she went to pick up the phone.

She hung it up twice before she finally picked it up.

Finally, he answered.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hi, it's me"

"Nathalie?"

"Yeah. Are you busy?"

"Not really"

"Would you mind coming over?"

"Yeah, I would mind. I'm in my pajamas and watching Netflix. It's a self love day. And you are not me, I cannot love you today."

"I'll be there in five minutes."

"Okay bye."

She hung up the phone.

Five minutes later, he knocked on her door.

"Excuse me? Who is this?"

"Pizza delivery"

"Ha! No way, I'm not paying for that"

"I'm sorry, ma'am. Please pay at the counter"

"Fuck that, go away!"

"You owe me $10."

Nathalie rolled her eyes, and opened the door to confront the wolf. This time, he was wearing footie pajamas.

"Why are you dressed like that?" She asked.

"I just got home from work. I had to stay late"

"And why was that?"

"Someone stole my lunch money"

She frowned. "I will not be paying for your food"

"But..."

They kiss a good Christian kiss with no tongue.

Nathalie smiled.

"Thank you so much, Wolf"

"No problem."

"See you tomorrow."

"Yeah."

Nathalie closed the door and leaned against it.

She vowed to never see him again.

***

Day 34:

The wolf had come back.

He had brought her a dozen flowers, which were arranged in a vase on Nathalie's dining room table.

Something about him was... different.

He no longer showed up unannounced while naked, he was always wearing clothes now. She had told him that she was not one of his other girls, and that he needed to stop lying about everything.

She wouldn't say it, but she suspected that he was depressed. She pitied him.

He was so sad. So lonely.

When he had shown up the first time, she was upset with him for being rude, but after a few days passed, she realized that he was sweet, and almost kind. But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined. She was glad that she hadn't given him her number.

She didn't even know his name.

Just like that, she forgot about him. She didn't want to speak to him anymore.

Until the motherfricker showed up again. Still wearing clothes.

"So, you're still here" she said, looking at him with contempt.

"Yeah, I am."

"What do you want?"

"I can't seem to leave you alone"

"Don't worry, I won't bother you anymore."

"You never bothered me. Or my name isn't Chadli"

"Chadli?" she said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah"

"Why do you keep calling me by my first name? We were never friends."

"I know. But I don't care about that"

"Well, then you shouldn't have bothered me in Walmart last week. Stupid"

The wolf shook his head. "I'm sorry"

"Shut up and leave me alone"

"Please"

"No."

The wolf sighed. "I guess I'll just take these flowers."

"Oh no, you can leave the flowers"

"Are you sure?"

She nodded.

The wolf took the flowers and left her apartment.

***

The next day, she found a note taped to her front door.

"Sorry about last night, Nathalie. I know you said to leave the flowers. Sorry bout dat"

She crumpled up the paper and threw it in the garbage.

***

A little while later, she walked into her kitchen to find a dozen fresh roses sitting on her table. They weren't from the wolf.

Nathalie then realized that she may have a sleepwalking problem.

***

The next day, the wolf showed up.

He was wearing a nice pair of jeans and a button down shirt.

He smiled when he saw her.

"Hi, Nathalie"

"Did you bring me a present this time?"

"I did, watch" The full moon had risen. The wolf started violently changing. His skin turned green and his teeth grew sharp and pointed.

"That's disgusting!" Nathalie said.

"You're beautiful!" he said.

"I'm not!"

He laughed.

Nathalie looked down. Yep, toes were still hairy.

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself?"

"Afraid not."

"I don't understand you, Chadli"

"I don't get you either"

"How can you not?"

"All I want is to be loved by you"

"That's not possible."

"Then make it so. Love me"

"How?"

"Come here"

The wolf gently took her hand and led her to the bedroom.

They then made friendship bracelets.

***

Another day, another dozen red roses.

She wasn't sure if she was going crazy. Maybe she was dreaming him.

Or maybe it was real.

She couldn't decide.

Or it was her stupid sleepwalking problem again.

Maybe she was just imagining everything.

***

The wolf came over to Nathalie's house every single day.

There was something different about him each day.

Today, he wore a tie.

Unfortunately he was not wearing a shirt. Nathalie guessed that it was due to the wolfing out debacle.

He was always dirty though.

Nathalie couldn't help but feel disgusted by him.

"I'm sorry about last night, Nathalie" he said.

"You're welcome"

"I'm so embarrassed. My sister Enid said to give you daisies instead because you aren't like other girls. You're a cool girl"

Nathalie laughed. "Thanks for the flowers"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't apologize, please. I like having you around."

"I like being here too."

That day, Nathalie realized that she is bipolar. It made a lot of sense. Her mood changed all the time. She was happy one minute, and angry the next.

But she realized that she was happiest when she was with him.

She wondered if he could be right.

She pulled out her revolver from her belt loop and shot Chadli square in the chest. He fell to the ground and remained dead.

She called the police to report a murder.

***

The next day, Nathalie was in the living room when she heard someone knocking on her door. It was exactly who she had expected.

"Why do you keep coming back?" she asked, holding her gun tightly.

"Because you are an amazing woman"

"I'm not"

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on."

"I'm sorry, I'm in love with someone else."

"Who?"

"You"

"Is he hotter than me?"

"No"

"Then I don't understand"

"I just don't think I can love you"

"Why not?"

"Because you're supposed to be dead"

"I am dead. I'm a ghost werewolf now."

Nathalie was confused.

"You're a what now?"

"I'm a ghost werewolf now"

"I don't believe you"

"Can you see me?"

"Yes"

"Can you hear me?"

"Yes"

She looked into his eyes.

"Yes, I can see you. Yes, I can hear you"

"Good," he said, "So obviously I'm a ghost werewolf. Duh."

"I don't believe you. If you are a ghost, how are you breathing?"

"My body is still here, but my spirit has gone to Heaven. See, I'm wearing my favorite sweater from my aunt, and I'm wearing my favorite pants from my grandma. If I weren't a ghost, these clothes would not exist because I accidentally shrunk them in the wash 5 years ago."

Nathalie shook her head.

"Either way, I'm here now. I'm not leaving until I get some closure"

"Closure?"

"You know, the ending of a story"

Nathalie looked up, and was suddenly facing a meat cleaver, lightly stained with the remains of a strawberry yogurt cup.

"Shit!"

She screamed.

The wolf laughed. "Now you see me, now you don't!"

"You bastard! You lied to me!"

"It's okay, Nathalie. It will be mostly painless. Probably"

"No! I want my life back!"

"I'm afraid that you don't have one anymore."

"Bullshit! You can't kill me, I'm Nathalie!"

"I can do whatever I want," the wolf replied.

The last thing Nathalie ever saw was the shining path of silver as metal met bone.

***

Nathalie woke up in bed with a smile on her face. The wolf had been real.

She loved him. She didn't know why, but she did.

She was glad that she had been able to finally talk to him.

She tried to rise from her bed, but couldn't because she was fricking dead.

She could only move her mouth.

Suddenly, she heard a knock on her door. She looked around, confused. She didn't remember getting out of her bed. Then she remembered that she had died.

The funeral was lovely. Three people attended, and Nathalie's mother even gave a speech.

"She was such a hopeless romantic, and she always watched the entirety of those weird werewolf romance novel ads on youtube. Everyone should have known that she was adopted, this is a vampire loving family"

"I heard her scream, and I ran to the door. When I opened it, she had a meat cleaver in her head and was smiling like nothing had happened. She said that she was going to Heaven, but I knew better. When she crumpled to the floor, I was too shocked to cry. I knew it was the notorious ghost werewolf. Where did I go wrong as a mother?"

Nathalie's father looked out at the crowd and smiled. "I always knew that the ghost werewolf had a secret crush on me. All those times, when he came home from school, and I was eating dinner, he would sneak in the kitchen and watch me eat."

"He probably ate more than usual that day, too. I hope he enjoyed the last piece of steak that I ever cooked for him"

Everyone in the room was silent, except for the wolf. He was now a poltergeist. He began to whisper in her ear.

"Hey Nathalie, remember when we first met? In Walmart?"

She did not speak, as is customary for corpses.

"Remember how I told you that you were beautiful?"

Nathalie stayed still, as is also customary for corpses.

"Do you remember what I said?"

She laid there like a dead person. Which she was.

"I told you that I loved you."

She did nothing. Again, customary for a corpse.

"I mean, I really did."

She still remained silent.