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infernalodie · 8 months

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𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐠 𝐌𝐞 𝐔𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 || 𝐓𝐚𝐫𝐚 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫

"𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘥𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘴 𝘛𝘰 𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘋𝘳𝘢𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘋𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦"

Inspo: Sleep Token - Drag Me Under

Pairing: Tara Carpenter x Black!Fem!reader

Summary: Despite everything, Tara loves you nonetheless...

Warnings: D.P.D., angst, fluff

Words: 1477

A pair of hazel eyes watched you cautiously, almost stunned by your appearance. Seeing her silence as the best asset when it came to these certain nights–late nights when you’d go home with no explanation besides the blood on your shirt. Distinct fog in your eyes blocked her from even deciphering what could’ve been bothering you.

Tara couldn’t understand why you did what you did.

A serial killer. A girl with many mental issues, but more than capable of being a lover and a caregiver. It was just this other side of you no one was allowed to see–only her. This animalistic and rageful side of yourself that Tara had seen more times than she’d like to admit. And on many of those occasions, she still hadn’t made up her mind on how she felt about it. She should’ve been running in the opposite direction when she figured out who you were. Hell, she should’ve run the first night she figured out about “Mandy.” But she didn’t?

It didn’t particularly make sense as to why, but she didn’t. Maybe she was a sucker for the danger and the broken. Even though there wasn’t anything she could do to fix you. She could toss some pills at you to suppress Mandy for a little while. But how long until Mandy came out and just ended up killing more people than usual? These factors had to be taken into account and Tara knew that leaving you and loving you the way you were would be more than enough.

“What’d she say before she left?” Your voice was just above a mere whisper. Tara could’ve misheard it for the countless number of thoughts, but she was paying attention to every little detail of your figure. Your shoulders that were tense, your hands trembling with the hatchet in your grasp, and your lips that had specks of red scattered across.

“That nothing bad would happen to the both of you and that you loved me very much.” Tara's response made your shoulders relax a bit. Enough to not feel the ache as intense. And Tara picked up on this. “What’d you think she said?”

The glass of water had suddenly become more interesting than the conversation. Taking the cup in your grasp and strangling the shiver that ran down your back from its cold exterior, you took a sip.

At most, this entire situation could’ve been easily avoided. This entire relationship could’ve been avoided. You could’ve never let your desires dictate having someone to lean on and love when your mind was damaged like this. After all, someone like you didn’t deserve that. It wouldn’t have been what you wanted but it would save you from the shame you felt under her gaze.

You paid very little attention to Tara’s movements. The apartment she shared with her sister was deathly quiet. Sam had gone to bed hours before Mandy decided to take the wheel and go out on a cruise of the city. There was no telling what would happen if Sam figured out what you were. Mandy only gave you the satisfaction of control when she got you to the front step of your girlfriend's apartment. Leaving you to explain yourself to Tara, again.

Tara’s smaller figure kneeled between your legs. Her hands resting on your knees and those beautiful hazel eyes staring up at you. It didn’t feel real. If honesty was a huge factor in this relationship, you didn’t understand how she continued to be with you. Of course, Woodsboro was something you knew about. But this was different. She was dating you, a ruthless murderer who had no problem dismembering humans and dumping them in the Blight. So, how could she look at you so lovingly and be delicate in her touch? It didn’t seem fair.

One of her hands gently took the crimson blade. You hesitated but allowed it to slip from your grasp. She placed it on the coffee table and turned to you with a small smile. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

You took her lead, holding her hand as she guided you to the main bathroom where she locked the door behind you and started the shower. There was a pause in your movements, but you eventually started undressing. It’s not like it would be the first time you were naked in front of her. The difference was that the circumstances were different and you felt ashamed. This relationship shouldn’t have worked out the first night you came home in such a state. But Tara decided to make it work against the better judgement of a normal moral compass.

Stepping into the shower, the warm stream of water fell on your face and hair. A gentle sigh fell from your lips as you rubbed your eyes furiously. But Tara stopped for a few moments just outside the shower in awe. The shine of your chocolate-toned skin is still her biggest weakness. How it looked under the moon, sun, and with a layer of water running down it made her thoughts a jumbled incoherent mess. And something in the way the blood of your victims ran down the valley of your breasts struck a deeper part of her mind that wasn’t normal.

Freeing herself from more than desiring thoughts, she slips into the open space in front of you. Soaking up the warmth of your body and a continuous stream of warm water raining down on her. The warmth of your hands resting on her hips only made a sigh fall from her lips, leaning into your touch. The entire idea that those hands, responsible for murder, held her so softly. Treating her like she was some sort of delicate work of art tended to Tara’s hubris. Gathering up the fleeting hope she had to try and make this work better than it already was.

And perhaps she was clouded in delusion. It’d been her goal for as long as the first night she saw you standing outside her apartment drenched in crimson. She didn’t understand what possessed you to come HERE of all places and Tara didn’t understand why she let you in. Perhaps against her own judgement or the genuine love she had for you. Since then, she promised to be the person you could rely on in these certain circumstances. And that whoever took control could trust her to take care of you.

“I’ve always feared she’d end things,” you whispered, barely heard over the sound of running water cascading between your guys’ bodies. Glad to know her back was to you so she couldn’t see the defeated expression on your face. Because there were still borders yet to be crossed in the relationship. She’d never seen you cry and she’s never seen you sad. In many cases, your fear could’ve been misunderstood for sadness, but Tara knew better, thankfully. She was a lot more perceptive than she let on.

“Mandy isn’t all terrible, Tara.”

“She murders people, Y/n. Terrible isn’t the word I would use to describe her,” Tara huffed in amusement. “And she’s taking you from me. So, she’s as terrible as I want her to be-”

“She loves you, Tara.” The response made the other girl snap her head in your direction. Eyes slightly widened by such an accusation. “I know because she leaves notes on my phone. Tells me what she did during the night. And she thought of you and decided to not kill tonight.”

“Then the blood on the knife?” Tara inquired.

“Some random rat.” And for a moment, you smiled at the thought. “Mandy doesn’t want you thinking she’s gotten soft over you or anything.”

And Tara smiled, heavily amused by such a thought. But she knew with love comes protectiveness and Tara had her fill of possessiveness when it came to your counterpart. Having spent a single night with her and barely able to leave her room without the woman questioning her where she was going. For someone so ruthless with their killings, Mandy was rather needy.

Turning fully, Tara cupped your face softly. “Even if she told me you didn’t love me, I wouldn’t believe her. I wouldn’t even let you go.”

The thought alone rattled your skull. Nothing about this relationship spoke “healthy”. You were constantly putting her in tough positions over your own problems, yet, she was still here. Promising you a life of normalcy? Were you even capable of something like that with someone so ethereal?

“But why? I’m broken, T,” you muttered, eyes cast to your feet.

“That doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of loving or being loved,” she whispered, kissing the corner of your lips. Shaking her head, she uttered, “I’m never letting you go, Y/n.”

Pursing your lips, you managed to meet her loving gaze. “Promise?”

She smiled. “I promise.”

And you believed her.

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where-does-the-heart-lie · 1 year

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I don't know if you know the video, but when Luffy said "Oh!" I immediately thought of the "D.P.D. ouh! ouh!" Tiktok that's been making rounds on tumblr.

youtube

Lmaooo yes this exact “oh!”

Just a quick little exclamation

Thanks for the as’!

#ask reply #@allykiwi

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redsn0w · 10 months

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Confidential Report - D.P.D (Durandal Police Department)

Subject: Mysterious Katana - Fading Butterflies

Description: The Fading Butterflies is a mysterious katana of considerable danger and significance. The blade features an inscription on its side, which reads "मर्दय, मारय, नाशय," translating to "Crush, Kill, Destroy." in an ancient, unidentified language. The scabbard, dark black in color with red paint splotches resembling bloodstains, is adorned with painted coiling wisteria branches and flowers.

Measurements:

Blade Length: Slightly longer than the average katana, measuring approximately 76 centimeters.

Hilt Length: The hilt measures approximately 25 centimeters, providing a secure grip for the wielder.

Total Length: The overall length of the katana, from tip to pommel, is approximately 101 centimeters.

Holy Blessing: The Fading Butterflies has been bestowed with a purifying holy energy, a result of a blessing performed by a Holy Shrine Maiden. This holy energy grants the weapon the ability to destructively affect living beings at the molecular level when wielded by the rightful user.

Origins: The origin of the Fading Butterflies has been traced to a country known as Lower Kusanagi. However, further details regarding its precise origin and historical significance remain elusive and require additional investigation. Current rumours suggest this weapon belongs to the highly infamous vigilante [REDACTED].

Threat Assessment: The weapon poses a significant threat due to its lethal properties and the potential for misuse. The destructive capabilities of its holy energy make it a formidable weapon in the hands of the right individual. Proper measures must be taken to secure and contain the weapon to prevent unauthorized usage and possible theft.

Redacted Information: The report includes information provided by an ex-Shrine Maiden from Lower Kusanagi regarding the katana's holy blessing. The identity of the Shrine Maiden has been redacted from this report to maintain confidentiality.

Recommendations:

The weapon should be classified as a Level A hazardous artifact and stored in a secure, specially designed containment facility.

Access to the katana must be restricted to authorized personnel only, with stringent background checks and regular security assessments.

Ongoing efforts should be made to investigate the origins and potential connections to any criminal or illicit activities.

Close collaboration with international agencies may be necessary to track any related artifacts or individuals.

This document is classified as confidential and is intended solely for the D.P.D's internal use. Unauthorized distribution or disclosure is strictly prohibited.

[Signature]

[Rank/Position]

D.P.D - Durandal Police Department

#lore

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lovelygirlnicole15 · 10 months

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My THSC Aus Villains that are pure evil or broken or influenced.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I decided to make this so you guys can know about what type of villains I have in my Aus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Magician Heroes Au

Trixelia Sparkwoof= Broken.

Dragon Philippine Dude (Or D.P.D for short)= Influenced (sightly Broken).

Midnight-Ninja Clan Au

Henry Stickmin= Broken.

Ellie Rose= Broken.

Toppat Civil Warface Au

Henry Stickmin= Pure Evil/Broken (Sightly Influenced)

#the henry stickmin collection #henry stickmin collection #thsc au #Midnight-Ninja Clan Au #Thsc MNC #thsc magician heroes au #thsc Toppat Clan au

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nothexi · 10 months

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D.P.D

#dpd #furry #art #vent #my art #nothexi #hexi

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ask-me-about-therapy · 1 year

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“Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing.

It is making a spreadsheet of your debt and enforcing a morning routine and cooking yourself healthy meals and no longer just running from your problems and calling the distraction a solution.

It is often doing the ugliest thing that you have to do, like sweat through another workout or tell a toxic friend you don’t want to see them anymore or get a second job so you can have a savings account or figure out a way to accept yourself so that you’re not constantly exhausted from trying to be everything, all the time and then needing to take deliberate, mandated breaks from living to do basic things like drop some oil into a bath and read Marie Claire and turn your phone off for the day.

A world in which self-care has to be such a trendy topic is a world that is sick. Self-care should not be something we resort to because we are so absolutely exhausted that we need some reprieve from our own relentless internal pressure.

True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.

And that often takes doing the thing you least want to do.

It often means looking your failures and disappointments square in the eye and re-strategizing. It is not satiating your immediate desires. It is letting go. It is choosing new. It is disappointing some people. It is making sacrifices for others. It is living a way that other people won’t, so maybe you can live in a way that other people can’t.

It is letting yourself be normal. Regular. Unexceptional. It is sometimes having a dirty kitchen and deciding your ultimate goal in life isn’t going to be having abs and keeping up with your fake friends. It is deciding how much of your anxiety comes from not actualizing your latent potential, and how much comes from the way you were being trained to think before you even knew what was happening.

If you find yourself having to regularly indulge in consumer self-care, it’s because you are disconnected from actual self-care, which has very little to do with “treating yourself” and a whole lot do with parenting yourself and making choices for your long-term wellness.

It is no longer using your hectic and unreasonable life as justification for self-sabotage in the form of liquor and procrastination. It is learning how to stop trying to “fix yourself” and start trying to take care of yourself… and maybe finding that taking care lovingly attends to a lot of the problems you were trying to fix in the first place.

It means being the hero of your life, not the victim. It means rewiring what you have until your everyday life isn’t something you need therapy to recover from. It is no longer choosing a life that looks good over a life that feels good. It is giving the hell up on some goals so you can care about others. It is being honest even if that means you aren’t universally liked. It is meeting your own needs so you aren’t anxious and dependent on other people.

It is becoming the person you know you want and are meant to be. Someone who knows that salt baths and chocolate cake are ways to enjoy life – not escape from it.”

Self-Recovery Tools :

B.P.D: https://www.amazon.com/Mood-Journal-BPD-Practical-inspired/dp/B095SHGB9N

D.I.D : https://www.amazon.com/Dissociative-Identity-Disorder-Workbook-Worksheets/dp/B0BVD7DBR2

D.P.D : https://www.amazon.com/Dependent-Personality-Disorder-Workbook-Independence/dp/B0CVVL6K6D

O.C.D : https://www.amazon.com/Pure-OCD-Workbook-Therapeutic-Worksheets/dp/B0BZF78WLV

O.C.P.D :https://www.amazon.com/Ocpd-Workbook-Adults-Empowering-Personality/dp/B0C9248N5G

A.V.P.D : https://www.amazon.com/Avoidant-Personality-Disorder-Workbook-Psychological/dp/B0CQXVLXKL

P.P.D : https://www.amazon.com/Paranoid-Personality-Disorder-Workbook-Independence/dp/B0CS6CN2V2

B.D.D: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Dysmorphic-Disorder-Workbook-Self-Acceptance/dp/B0CQX44R7Y

DP/DR :https://www.amazon.com/Depersonalization-Disorder-Workbook-Dialectical-Derealization/dp/B0BMSR77V2

Binge : https://www.amazon.com/Binge-Eating-Disorder-Guided-Workbook/dp/B095QJ2QPD

Shizoaffective : https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09B3Y85JF

Schizoid : https://www.amazon.com/Schizoid-Personality-Disorder-Workbook-Relationships/dp/B0C9S54R42

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notationsworld · 10 months

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Tu Hi Mera (Jannat 2) - Sargam, Harmonium And Flute Notes

SCALE OF THE FLUTE IS B BASS/MIDDLE Ho tere ishq mein G...G..R..G..G.G... Dooba rahe G..R..G..G.G... Din raat yunhi sada S..R..S..R.R..G.G..R.S.. Mere khwaab se G..R..G..G.G... Aankhein teri G..R..G..G.G... Naa hoye juda S..R..S..R.R..G.R.. Mera naam tu haathon pe apne G.P.D..D.D...D.P.D..P.G.. Likhe baar haan S..R..S..R..G.G..R.S.. Aye kaash ke aisa bhi din G.P.D..D.D...D.P.D..P.G.. Laaye woh khuda S..R..S..R...G.R.. Tu hi mera mera mera G.R.S.S...R.S...R.S.. Tu hi mera mera mera G.R.S.S...R.R...G.R.. Tu hi mera mera mera G.R.S.S.d...d.S...R.R.. Tu hi mera mera mera G.R.S.S...R.S...R.S.. Tu hi mera mera mera G.R.S.S...R.S...R.S.. Tu hi mera mera mera G.R.S.S...R.R...G.R.. Tu hi mera mera mera G.R.S.S.d...d.S...R.R.. Tu hi mera mera mera G.R.S.S...R.S...R.S... Also Read This :- - Baarishon Mein (Darshan Raval) – Sargam, Harmonium And Flute Notes - Kitni Haseen Hogi (HIT) – Sargam, Harmonium And Flute Notes - Tu Itni Khoobsurat Hai – Sargam, Harmonium And Flute Notes - Teri Hogaiyaan Easy Version (Full Song) – Sargam And Flute Notes - Rozana (Naam Shabana) – Sargam, Harmonium And Flute Notes Where DO - SA - S RE - RE - R MI - GA - G FA - MA - M SO - PA - P LA - DHA - D TI - NI - N LOW OCTAVE PA - p DHA - d NI - n SHUDH MA - m TIWAR MA - M HIGH OCTAVE SA - S' RE - R' GA - G' MA - M' m' PA - P' KOMAL SWAR DHA - D(k) NI - N(k) RE - R(k) GA - G(k) Read the full article

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eventshabana · 1 year

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Evento 23 Marzo D.P.D. T.CH

23 de marzo Don PARTY Don & Team Chally en el Efe Bar

Don Party Don & Team Chally ¡Hola! Este 23 de marzo estás invitado a nuestro evento en Efe Bar en el Vedado

View On WordPress

#Eventos VIP

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princesiddie · 7 years

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Sorry for asking but what does "dpd" even mean?

o ur fine pal :0 n it stands for “dependent personality disorder” !!

#asks #d.p.d.

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rosiepinkkitten-blog · 7 years

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i feel so bad for my boyfriend because he’s got so much going on in his life right now and i just need him constantly and i feel so horrible for it i do give him time to breathe i understand he needs it but then i get bored and i only have him on my mind and when he’s having fun I’m just constantly thinking about him and anxious for his return i need him to make all my choices for everything and i honestly don’t know what i would do without him but i feel so bad because i don’t want to just be another one of his many problems and then what scares me the most is the lingering feeling that one day he’s going to leave me and im just going to be left with nothing i have spoken to him about this and he always reassures me that it’s fine but im just constantly worried about him;;

#actuallydependent #dpd #d.p.d.#actuallydpd #actualdpd

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dxppercxdxver · 4 years

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A Note on the Use of Distance, Or: The Evolution of Nines's and Gavin's Relationship as Seen Through Body Language and Physical Proximity, Or: Sparrow Writes 6k About DE That Is Literally Just a Narrative Analysis

Apologies in advance, this is gonna be a long one. If you stick to it and read the whole thing, I will love you forever. (Also, @domlerrys, I’m tagging you because we talk about meta a lot and I think you’ll like this.)

And Michelle, I’m sorry for the length, but there’s just so much to talk about, I had to. Also, “brevity” is not in my vocabulary. Oops. (I’m also sure you know most of this already, but I had a blast analyzing this.)

So, it’s been about a month, and I think it’s about time I typed up some of my thoughts about the use of distance in Detroit Evolution. (For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, 1) What are you doing? 2) Go check it out, it’s a beautiful feature fan film made by the lovely people at @octopunkmedia, and if you like good ace representation, I think you’ll like it.)

To give us the proper background, let’s establish our characters’ relationships with touch. (For those of you who’ve seen the movie, you know this. This is just for our friends who are unaware.)

RK900, or Nines, is very asexual. Not necessarily touch-repulsed, but touch-uninterested, unless it’ll make somebody else happy (namely, Gavin).

Gavin Reed is allosexual, but has a long, complicated history of abuse and psychological manipulation, most of it revolving around intimacy, and, as such, is extremely touch-repulsed. He does not allow people to get close to him.

Throughout the film, they’re very careful to keep physical distance between them, and if they’re forced to be close together, their body language is usually very closed off. Which lends this sense of relief to a pivotal moment in the film later. The very important exceptions are the moments in the Zen Garden, and moments of extreme duress.

Let’s break it down scene by scene.

We open on the Zen Garden. In this mindscape, we know Nines and Gavin behave as though they’re been married for several years. Their interactions are comfortable and familiar, though entirely imaginary, and this is where the use of touch and distance starts to show. Even though this Gavin does not have any of the same touch aversions as the real world Gavin, he keeps his distance from Nines, and Nines, in turn, does the same. When Gavin greets him, he’s standing ten or so feet away; when they walk together, Nines hangs back, and the both of them keep their hands in their pockets, avoiding direct eye contact. Obviously, any more romantic gestures are kept offscreen for audience suspense, but still, what’s shown is equally important. The two main exceptions to this rule are when Gavin reaches out to adjust Nines’s collar and when Nines reaches out to touch Gavin’s face. However, even when Gavin is unbuttoning Nines’s shirt, his arms are perfectly straight, leaving about two feet of space between them, and when Nines cups Gavin’s cheek, it’s not really a romantic gesture. It’s almost a reverential one, and he still leaves about a foot between them. This may not seem like a lot, but considering that this is Nines’s ideal world and even his deepest desires leave that space between them, it reveals how much relative distance matters with these two.

Onto the next scene. Protest. We start in the car, with Nines staring straight ahead, avoiding Gavin’s gaze. Gavin only touches Nines to shock him out of his trance with a gentle slap, then turns his body forward, effectively closing himself off. He maintains this distance, even straying almost twenty feet in front of Nines on their walk up. Here’s another major exception, a moment of extreme duress: Gavin takes Nines’s hand and guides him through the crowd, despite the fact that Nines could easily surpass any one of the protestors in a fight. Even here, however, Gavin keeps his back turned and does not make eye contact. For all he physically reaches out, emotionally, he’s incredibly closed off. Same deal inside Jericho; table between them, avoiding eye contact, careful distance. And even in a more lighthearted moment of banter (Nines mimicking Gavin’s delivery), Chris is standing between them as a physical mediator, and he remains between them the whole scene.

Onto the D.P.D. and the famous first instance of “I hate you.” “You love me.”!

When Nines brings Gavin his coffee, his body language is very open: arms spread, standing over Gavin. However, Nines is also intensely aware of his partner’s issues regarding physical proximity, and quickly draws away, clasping his hands behind his back and retreating ever so slightly to give Gavin his space. Once Nines has spun Gavin’s feet out of the way, they are closer, yes, but Gavin’s back is turned and Nines is careful not to lean in too close over his shoulder. They’re very closed off, and remain this way for much of the scene, never directly facing one another. Gavin stands up, spins counterclockwise to keep his back to Nines until he’s behind Nines, at which point he’s in control of the situation and flips Nines off. When they speak face to face, Gavin’s legs are kicked up on the table or he’s using the coffee mug as a sort of psychological shield. Nothing direct, nothing open.

STAKEOUT! This is a really good example of something Michelle does—that isn’t like other romance movies —that I really love. A common thing in a lot of romance movies is that “almost kiss,” but in a movie like this, where the main romance emphasizes a mental connection over a physical one, that sort of play would feel cheap and out of place. Which is why I love the stakeout scene so damn much. The stakeout is the perfect time for an “almost kiss” moment, BUT! What we get instead is so much better, with two people desperate to let their feelings out but too scared to fully voice them. So you get this awkward dance of them abstracting the concept and refusing to look at one another, deliberately avoiding eye contact. Both of them are faced forward and stay solidly in their seats, leaving as much space as they can allow, and the only times they look toward one another, the other is looking away. They can’t say what they feel unless there’s that protective bubble of space between them. So you get an “almost confessing I like you” scene, with beautiful moments of almost closing that physical distance, but instead staying firmly planted in their seats until Lazzo arrives. Even when Gavin and Nines are forced to be close together, they maintain a healthy distance between them, and their “almost kiss” is swapped out for an “almost admitting I have feelings” moment. (Plus, a bonus of great asexual dialogue, yay!)

Lazzo’s scene isn’t that notable, other than Nines’s and Gavin’s hands brushing on Lazzo’s shoulder, but again, Lazzo is between them and they’re focused on other things. Still got that distance.

The infamous jacket drape, one of the moments Nines breaks the pattern of distance. Gavin is still facing away from him, yes, but Nines deliberately reaches out to touch him in a non-invasive way, one of the only times he does so. Progress! Still a one-sided gesture, though, and even the height difference emphasizes the space between them, with Nines on his feet and Gavin slumped in a chair. Still not breaking that “arm’s length” amount they’ve set. (Tying this into the @high-on-otps‘s analysis about moments of vulnerability occurring when Gavin’s wearing fewer layers, Nines seeing Gavin in just a t-shirt and gifting him his jacket takes on a whole new meaning, with Nines almost stepping in to protect Gavin’s heart. Anyway, that’s a thought for another day.) On another note, this is also one of the two main instances where you see one of these two fools being open only because they think the other won’t notice: just a selfless gesture they don’t want to have to dwell on.

Now! Onto Gavin’s house, where the pattern starts to change. It’s a great way to track the progression of their relationship. They start out separated, with Nines pulled into himself, tablet held out, and Gavin hiding behind his computer, avoiding Nines’s eyes. However, I think this is when Gavin’s starting to realize that he might have feelings for Nines and the reverse might be true (hence his moment of contemplation in the car after he notes the parallel uses of the word “charming” as applying to him and Nines’s possible love interest), and being as tired as he is, his inhibitions are not necessarily gone, but at least hampered. So he allows himself to get close physically, and sort of mentally as well. He’s conflicted, and that’s written all over him, as he puts himself right up against Nines to steal his tablet, but also refuses to look him in the eye and quickly moves to stand up later. This conflict is also incredible to watch in general, but you can see his overwhelming desire to get closer and his defense mechanisms battling in his mind in how he sits: pressed up against Nines’s side, but none of his body overlaps with Nines’s at all, and he doesn’t look at him. Nines makes the first move, leaning his head almost onto Gavin’s shoulder, but not quite. They’re still not there yet. Of course, once Gavin leaves, he keeps his back turned, meeting Nines’s eyes once, for a split second, before entering his room and shutting the door. (And tosses him some gym shorts, of course, because nothing says “I love you” like “hey, you can borrow these sleep shorts.”)

Reentering Nines’s mindscape, we see a little more conflict from his end. (I love how we actually get visual representation of Nines’s internal conflict, while Gavin’s can only be gleaned from how he moves and holds himself. It’s a nice contrast. Frankly, I adore it. Good writing.) Once again, there’s still a fair amount of space between Nines and Zen Gavin, as Nines is burying his feelings in his work. The closest Zen Gavin comes is right behind Nines to talk about what Gavin might have been about to say before walking into his room, but he doesn’t make eye contact, and moves away quite quickly. When he is open and actually making direct eye contact, he’s standing over five feet away, and Nines deliberately turns away. You see? It’s a visual metaphor for the growing emotional tension! Yay!

Nightmare time! This is one of those moments of extreme duress I was talking about!! Also one of my favorite scenes! This is the first time, in the whole film, where all three of these criteria are present: physical proximity, open body language, and direct eye contact. Nines is holding Gavin’s arms, Gavin meets Nines’s eyes, and Gavin’s arms are spread out, not crossed over his chest or in front of his face. Obviously, this moment only lasts a second, as Gavin quickly moves Nines’s arms away, Nines backs up, and Gavin averts his eyes, but for an important beat, that distance was closed, only to be reopened again. Then, of course, they have their “should I stay” moment, where Gavin is sending mixed signals: body is turned toward Nines, but he looks away repeatedly, and Nines is standing a respectful distance away, waiting for permission to come closer or leave. Eventually, Gavin verbally and physically opens himself up: while he avoids looking directly at Nines, he keeps his arms at his sides and doesn’t turn away (huge steps for someone like Gavin), and as for Nines, he does the opposite, maintaining direct eye contact, but turning his body away to give Gavin the space he needs without pressuring him. When Gavin finally welcomes Nines into his bed, he’s making a huge step in his own personal growth. Similar to the couch setup from earlier, except reversed, with Gavin initiating the touch, and with two crucial differences: Nines and Gavin make the briefest of eye contact as they lean in (a silent agreement of “yes, this is a thing we’re doing”) and their bodies overlap. There is an intimate touch in the way they hold hands, fingers interlaced, instead of sitting ramrod straight side by side without making a conscious decision to reach out to the other. Add Nines retracting his skin on top of it, and you get an extremely psychologically open moment. A moment of duress, a moment of comfort (but they still aren’t facing each other yet, and the way it is now, it’s almost like Gavin’s afraid to acknowledge it, to believe it’s real).

NEXT MORNING. Hoo boy this one was a doozy, because it takes the openness of the night before and turns it on its head, twisting and distorting it. Gavin, before he’s awake, displays very physically open body language: spread out on his blankets, arms thrown out to the side up, stomach up. Nines is almost equally so, keeping his arms open as he hands Gavin his coffee and turning more towards him as he sits on Gavin’s bed. But Gavin, regretting the choices he made the previous night, avoids eye contact, curls into himself, and takes the earliest opportunity to put his back to Nines and retreat into the closet. His whole demeanor radiates “get away from me,” but of course, Nines hasn’t picked that up yet. So he presses a little closer, and Gavin makes his point by getting up in Nines’s space, but very deliberately avoiding looking at him and still keeping a couple feet of space. When Nines feels Gavin mentally retreating, he pushes his luck by abusing his commanding presence to intimidate Gavin into cooperation (drawing himself up to his whole height and putting his face right in Gavin’s eye-line). And what does Gavin do? When Nines gets in his space ("I'm not leaving just because you regret having acted like a person"), Gavin makes direct, meaningful eye contact (something he almost never does) and is facing Nines (another big thing), but every part of him screams "get away." In particular, the hands raised in front of his chest like a shield. The whole pose is supposed to look aggressive but every goddamn part of it belies him going into defensive mode. It's FASCINATING. He’s trying to intimidate Nines into leaving him alone because he is so scared of what Nines has seen and what he knows now. This conflict of wanting to accept Nines’s help and push him away is so clearly demonstrated in how part of his body language is geared toward Nines (the eye contact) and how part of is is blocking Nines from coming any closer (his raised hands). He holds this eye contact until Nines leaves.

The next time we see Gavin is back at Jericho, and anyone can sense the tension coming off these two (except, apparently, Chris Miller). They keep a table’s worth of distance between them. Nines, clearly still feeling snubbed from the night before, makes very pointed looks in Gavin’s direction; they’re barbed, full of accusation, very uncharacteristic of Nines, but Gavin did just tell him to wipe his memory, so he definitely believes it’s justified. Gavin avoids eye contact wherever possible, simply because he does not want to deal with this shit right now. I don’t know if he does this consciously, but after Nines’s reference to “last night,” he tucks his hand in his pocket, perhaps an unconscious recoil from Nines’s act of intimacy (holding hands), suppressing that. Cut to them standing in the hallway, Gavin is standing with his arms crossed, looking away, while Nines leans in closer with a much more open stance. He continues probing and Gavin shuts him out entirely, not even deigning to look at him properly before turning his back and walking away. This is one of the tensest moments of their relationship, where Nines is trying to build up the trust they had and Gavin is feeling hurt and betrayed and confused and is falling back on his coping mechanism of shutting people out. The physical distance and body language between them reflects that.

Onto Burn’s Alley! This whole setup is interesting; it’s a social situation in which Gavin and Nines are almost required to interact, as they have a shared obligation to make Chris’s promotion party a pleasant experience, but the tension from the previous night is definitely still bleeding into their conversation. Although they’re crowded around the same table, they put several people between them and focus intently on their drinks and their other friends, never directly addressing one another and avoiding eye contact (again, this movie might as well be subtitled “the one where Nines and Gavin can never actually look at each other for one goddamn second”). Once Ada arrives, Nines makes fast excuses and leaves the conversation, at which point they go back to their previous dance of throwing longing glances at one another when the other isn’t watching. Very good, much yearning. More internal conflict, Gavin can’t deal with his own warring desires of apologizing and running away, so he retreats outside, and Nines follows because now’s his chance to rebuild that trust he lost.

I’m classifying the alley argument as a whole new section because it’s honestly a caliber all its own and deserves a separate analysis. The use of distance here is so good. Nines, though eager to be allowed back into Gavin’s space, is respectful of his partner’s boundaries and situates himself across the alley, though his posture is more open, with his hands behind his back and a gentle lean forward (though this openness is quickly shut down once Gavin snaps at him, you can see Nines’s face fall, and it hurts). Gavin, on the other hand, is violently looking away, body turned in a completely different direction; every part of his posture is unapproachable. And as the argument progresses, we get more of that weaponized distance closing. When Gavin snaps at Nines (”Don’t bother.”), he finally makes eye contact, even keeping his posture more open (arms at his sides, face toward Nines, body mostly angled toward Nines), so Nines is, for the first time, able to properly see all the hurt Gavin’s been bottling up. And Nines steps closer. But, his hackles are raised, shoulders tensed, arms clenched tightly at his sides. They’re both spilling their hearts out, but it’s bitter and cruel and even at their closest, there’s still a foot and a half of space between their chests. When Gavin spits smoke in Nines’s face, the recoil is immediate, and Nines takes his leave of Gavin as Gavin turns away from Nines again. Once again, in a moment of emotional duress, they get closer and closer, but never quite close that gap, but this time, like that morning, the openness is weaponized and aggressive, with Gavin trying to force Nines away by saying “This is me, this is all you’re gonna get, so you might as well run” and Nines trying to get back in by saying “I don’t care, you will listen to me and you will let me care for you.” But because of the violent mannerisms, it backfires. And then the distance grows again.

Watching Nines walk Ada home from the bar, Gavin keeps a huge amount of distance between himself and Nines, both because he doesn’t want to be spotted and because he can’t bring himself to come any closer. With his hood up and hands in his pockets, he’s at his most closed off of the film, and because Nines’s back is to him, it’s obvious to see he’s being shut out, or at least feels like he is. At this moment in time, Ada is the literal and metaphorical wedge between them. Her presence is keeping them apart.

Alley ambush time. This scene. Oh man this scene. Aside from the blatantly romantic reunion scene and balcony scene, this scene has about the most touch and is a perfect narrative foil to Gavin’s nightmare. (I can’t believe I just realized that now, while I was typing this. Michelle, you are a goddamn genius, every major moment has a companion, mirrored moment; Nines giving Gavin his jacket, Gavin doing his speech to Nines and leaving his jacket there; Nines comforting Gavin after his nightmare of dying alone, Gavin comforting Nines and staying by his side to ensure he doesn’t die alone; parallel confessions in the car; of course, “I hate you” “You love me,” there’s the obvious parallel; Gavin initiating a kiss in the reunion, Nines being the one to move first on the balcony; they each get their own moment to shine in the same context and it is beautiful. Hats off to you, Michelle Iannantuono, really. Okay, back to the plot.) Gavin’s body language is at the most vulnerable it’s been all film, because Nines is in danger and he’s panicking. But even with his hands cupped around Nines’s face, Gavin keeps a little bit of distance, that same bare minimum “arm’s length” we see so many times. And the questions he asks are non-invasive, once he realizes that mentioning Ada just freaks Nines out, and then the questions just turn to pleas: “Don’t fall asleep.” Only after Nines falls unconscious does Gavin allow himself to get any closer, but even then he doesn’t let himself be face to face with Nines. The first thing Gavin does is turn Nines’s back to him, forcing that emotional distance, the exception being the arm slung across Nines’s chest to keep him upright. This is the closest they’ve been, other than after Gavin’s nightmare, and Gavin is still keeping that emotional distance by deliberately pushing Nines away from him.

Onto CyberLife. Here’s the other instance where they’re only open when they believe the other won’t know. This shit also hurt like a motherfucker because Gavin’s internal conflict is at its peak here. You can see he’s having a, for lack of a better word for it, “deathbed” moment; a sort of “now or never” feeling. He’s terrified of acknowledging how he feels, much less verbalizing those feelings to the man he loves, but at the same time, he’s worried that if he doesn’t do it now, he may never get a chance. And this is demonstrated wonderfully in how Gavin approaches Nines (and, once again, he’s down to one layer of clothing, just a simple t-shirt). At first, he hangs back from Nines’s hospital bed, looking anywhere but Nines’s face, and talking about how they need Nines for the case; vague, impersonal, dancing around the topic. Until Tina knocks on the window, basically giving him silent permission to switch tracks entirely. It’s at this point that Gavin closes some distance and parallels Nines’s earlier gesture after his nightmare, when Nines reached out to hold his hand; he reaches out and places his hand over Nines’s. (Also, another brilliant parallel? Nines reaching out to touch Gavin when he’s at his lowest point—after his nightmare—and holding his hand, basically saying “I accept you,” and Gavin reaching out to Nines when he’s at his most vulnerable—doubly powerful because Nines’s skin is deactivated and Gavin used to hate androids, so seeing him like this is his truest form—at the hospital, basically saying “I accept you.” God. Poetic cinema, my dudes.) Even moves the chair closer. And then he finally looks Nines in the face and spills his heart and soul out to him, piece by piece. And even when the heart monitor starts beeping, he doesn’t pull away. He keeps his hand firmly planted, only scoots back in the chair for a moment to check the machines, before immediately pulling back in and deliberately staying close, which, for somebody who has as toxic a relationship with touch as he does, is massive. (And, as we saw from the deleted scene, he felt safe enough to fall asleep on Nines’s bed. He looked at this shitty situation and said “I trust him” and put his goddamn head on Nines’s arm and fell asleep. Like. FUCK.)

And now, Nines’s corrupted Zen Garden. This is one of the most powerful moments of the film. In the past, Nines has almost never been the one to initiate contact with Zen Gavin, it’s always been the other way around (Gavin fixing Nines’s collar, Gavin approaching him while he’s analyzing the case), with the notable exception being Nines reaching out to cup Gavin’s cheek. But he’s internalized Gavin’s touch sensitivities so much that even his mind palace version displays the same behaviors, only initiating touch when he’s comfortable. Nines doesn’t violate Zen Gavin’s space either, lets Gavin decide what’s okay. And this is where he breaks that pattern. In his panic, Nines rushes forward without thought to envelope Gavin in a desperate hug— and is met with empty air. The minute Nines tries to reverse their dynamic is when he’s deprived of Gavin’s touch. Because of Ada’s meddling, Nines can no longer interact with this perfect world he’s constructed, and Gavin is, once again, just out of reach. Nine spends the rest of the conversation with his body language painfully open, pleading with Gavin to stay using everything but his words, and I think it speaks goddamn volumes that when he finally agrees to delete him, there is no grand gesture. Nines doesn’t swoop in and kiss Zen Gavin goodbye, nor does he hug him, or even say a proper farewell. He simply nods, turns his back, and walks away, and Gavin, after a moment’s lag, swivels his head to watch, with a soft smile on his face. Nines has realized that this Zen Gavin is a fool’s errand that he cannot hope to sustain, and his last act before wiping him entirely is to metaphorically say “I am done with you. I am walking away and I am not looking back and I am saying goodbye.” Which is so goddamn powerful, I cannot.

Okay. The moment we’ve all been waiting for.

The reunion scene.

This scene hits so much harder because all the previous scenes have kept so much distance between the two protagonists. If there had been more instances of close proximity earlier in the film, I don’t think this scene would carry the same weight it did, but as such, up until this point, there’s always been at least a foot or two of space between Gavin and Nines (and in the instances of them touching, they’re either side by side and not looking at each other or front to back and not looking at each other). But I digress, let’s get into it properly.

Setup time! Gavin’s still in just his t-shirt, Nines is in Gavin’s jacket (Narrative foil from earlier, baby!), and tensions are high. Brushing past all of Tina and Chris’s intervening dialogue, let’s talk physicality. Gavin fucking freezes the minute Nines is in the room, arms held at his sides, the most open his stance has ever been when Nines was awake to see it. Nines, in turn, also keeps his hands to the side. Gavin, disbelieving, takes a step forward, but because he’s also terrified as fuck that Nines heard him and will reject him, he holds out a halfway defensive arm, though there’s not much conviction in it, as its merely held halfway up and doesn’t cross in front of his torso at all. Nines continues to approach, although slowly, so as not to scare Gavin off, because Nines cares so much for Gavin and the last thing he needs is to make him panic, not when something this monumental is at stake. Gavin, with even more internal conflict, continues his approach, daring to hope that maybe this will turn out okay, until Nines says “I heard you.” The realization that Nines essentially saw the deepest darkest parts of him makes Gavin take a step back, but he also maintains the eye contact they’ve been holding; the subtle balance between “I want to run because holy fuck he saw too much, but also I want to stay because I think it might be it this time” is so gorgeous. Of course, once Nines makes it clear that he isn’t running, even though he heard Gavin’s entire confession, Gavin gets slightly more confident and moves forward again. Drawing from the BTS footage as well, you can see Gavin’s hands are clenched the entire time, until he makes it to Nines, when he can finally let go. And finally, with a cognizant mind, they close that distance, leaving mere inches from one another. Gavin reaches out to touch Nines’s hand, feeling his pulse, before gently turning over Nines’s hand so he can feel Gavin’s pulse. Nines, reflecting his earlier gesture, connects Zen Gavin to this Gavin by reaching out to cup Gavin’s face. And then they close that gap entirely and kiss. But it gets even better because, though Nines prods, it’s ultimately Gavin that makes the first move, and I think it always had to to be. Because Nines always lets Gavin move on his own time, even if he steers him in the right direction, occasionally. It would feel wrong if Nines moved first, because he doesn’t need to kiss for romance, but is willing to do so if Gavin wants, and the way this is done, it’s so clear that Gavin wants. This is just a testament to the amazing actors for portraying this so clearly (I know this scene’s been analyzed seven ways to Sunday, but like. The way Gavin’s eyebrows furrow up in the sheer desperation to be closer? The gentle sigh of relief from Nines? The single spin of the LED from yellow to blue the instant they connect? The way Gavin, someone who hates being touched, chases the fucking kiss as Nines pulls away? Like?? Incredible???). And even better, this whole scene is very much a give and take, as both characters let down the barriers they have built up.

Let me put it this way. Nines’s greatest treasure is his mind, and he protects it fiercely for fear of abuse. Gavin’s greatest treasure is his bodily autonomy, and as such, he protects himself from unwanted touch for fear of that autonomy being taken away. And this kiss is such a dialogue of back and forth, give and take. Nines exposes his mind (”I heard you. ‘A force you can’t live without’?” and of course, “You love me.”), opening up his most vulnerable part of himself. Gavin responds in kind by exposing his physicality, by taking Nines’s hand. Nines, once again, exposes his mind by copying his gesture from Zen Gavin, bringing to light one of his most closely guarded secrets and connecting his mind to his real world experiences. And Gavin exposes his touch, once more, by being the one to initiate the kiss.

If you’ll allow me to circle back to the parallel hand-holding from earlier, it ties into this idea of “mind vs. body.” When Nines takes Gavin’s hand after his nightmare, he is demonstrating that he accepts Gavin’s mind. Nines, who values intellect and personality above all else, demonstrates that he loves Gavin for his mind and not his body here, saying “I accept you and your mind, no matter how flawed you think it is.” Gavin, on the other hand, not only has a rough history with androids, but a rough history with physicality. When he takes Nines’s hand at CyberLife, Gavin is demonstrating that he accepts Nines’s body as it is—metal and plastic and synthskin, not flesh and bone—basically saying “I accept you and your body, no matter how flawed you think it is.” They are able to accept the closely guarded facets of one another in moments of heightened emotion and I think that’s incredible.

And after the reunion, the body language is so different. Nines willingly gets up in Gavin’s space without Gavin pushing him away (leaning over him to discuss how to track Ada down), and, of course, gives him his jacket back. Outside Ada’s warehouse, they stand much closer together, nearly touching on the hood of the car, and even make much more deliberate eye contact, shying away less. But what I really like about it is that they don’t do a total 180. That’s not how recovery works. Gavin’s still facing away from Nines during the briefing, Gavin and Nines are closer on the hood, yes, but neither Nines nor Gavin reach out a hand to touch. They’re making little baby steps and it’s wonderful.

Last but not least, the balcony. The culmination of all this.

Despite all they’ve been through, Gavin and Nines still hold distance between themselves on the balcony, though they’re a little freer with the direct eye contact and body language. Gavin’s arms are no longer crossed in front of him, he actually looks toward Nines a lot more. Nines is leaned up against the railing, facing Gavin and meeting his gaze, though you can tell Nines is bothered because his arms are crossed in front of him, preventing him from being totally open. And when he starts to say something that sounds like regret, Gavin also crosses his arms in a defensive position, until Nines reassures him that it’s not Gavin, it’s him. At which point, Gavin is the most vocal he’s ever been about his feelings (I think Michelle pointed out this is the one time in the film Gavin even slightly alludes to Nines being attractive, like the dork he is) and assures Nines that he doesn’t need anything sexual to make this relationship be one he wants to pursue. He keeps his body language remarkably open, turning to face Nines entirely and keeping his arms to the side. Nines, upon realizing Gavin means what he says, has his moment of initiating touch and reaches out to cup Gavin’s face again, uncrossing his arms to do so. There’s yet another beautiful genuine moment of connection where the opposite of the original kiss happens: Nines opens up physically (regarding his interfacing), Gavin opens up mentally (flirting with Nines as opposed to just awkwardly touching him), and Nines closes the distance once more, kissing Gavin as the sun sets just out of frame, turning Gavin’s face into the light. Yet another beautiful narrative foil. Stunning. Ideal. (Also, a note on the confession, the fact that this kiss cements the idea that “This won’t be easy, but it will be worth it, because being with you is just better” just kills me every goddamn time. They’re really willing to put in the work to make this relationship work! Which is amazing!) And then they linger, foreheads pressed together, in the most intimate display of affection in the entire movie. Soft smiles, hands on bodies, completely open and vulnerable and free. Just ... content.

All in all, hats off for really emphasizing each character’s troubled relationship with touch and how that carries over into how they behave around one another. From how Gavin uses his hands and other items as shields while making direct eye contact to how Nines lets Gavin come to him and respects his partner’s boundaries so much that even his brain version of him has these same boundaries, the use of distance and touch and their slow journey to getting physically closer in the spaces they occupy is a fantastic way of showing the progression of their relationship and I consider it an honor to get to see this story unfold. The fact that Nines’s journey would be meaningless without Gavin’s to mirror it and amplify it and vice versa is testimony to the incredible writing showcased here. Bravo to the cast and crew, really.

Tl;dr (and honestly, I wouldn’t blame you) The moments of intimacy only carry as much weight as they do because in every scene prior to them Gavin and Nines hold meaningful distance between them and the only times they break that subliminal pattern are in times of extreme stress or vulnerability.

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randomvarious · 3 years

Photo

Today’s mix:

United DJs Of America, Vol. 8: New York City by Roger Sanchez 1997 House

Feel like I do a lot of apologizing when writing about this series, like, "all apologies to so and so; I know you're an incredible DJ and your contributions to dance music are indispensable, but this United DJs Of America mix you did really wasn't anywhere near close to your best work." And I'm sorry to say that I'm gonna have to pull that conclusion out once again for another DJ, this time Roger Sanchez. He's a bonafied legend, no doubt, but you wouldn't really know it from this late 90s house mix. Not much direction and not a sequence of tracks that really feels transcendant. A disappointing showing, to say the least. This has a couple bangers, but all in all, there's really not much going on here .

Listen to the full mix here.

Highlights:

Cevin Fisher - "Mas Groove" Transatlantic Soul - "Release Yo' Self" D.P.D. Feat. Rose Windross - "Problem Child" Braxton Holmes And Mark Grant - "The Revival" Gisele Jackson - "Love Commandments" Department Of Soul - "Stand Tall"

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waywardodysseys · 4 years

Text

Depths of Love - Oneshot

Pairing: Agent Whiskey/Jack Daniels x female reader

Warnings: angst, cussing

Requested?: Yes by @iamwarrenspeace - A year later reader is back in Denver and running her dream business along with having a healthy, beautiful baby. Jack is released from prison and finds her. What will become of these two broken hearted lovers?

Quote: “Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.” - George Eliot

Agony of Parting - Part One

~ ~ ~

One year later

Jack sits quietly at the oblong wooden table inside Champ’s office. He’s given the Statesman valuable information regarding a few people he was in league with prior to the misfortune of getting arrested and returning as a criminal. Once the people were obtained, Champ kept his word and was promising to let Jack go.

“My apologies Jack,” Champ remarks as he makes his way towards the table.

“It’s fine sir.” Jack states as he watches his former boss take a seat at the head of the table.

“I wanted to make sure all my t’s were crossed before I gave you information I have.”

Jack perks up, “what information?”

Champ sighs heavily, “I know Y/N hasn’t visited you in quite some time. I’ve kept tabs on her, making sure all is good. And well,” Champ pauses, “I wanted to pass along she has returned to Denver.”

The older gentleman did not need to divulge anymore. He knew what you were doing career and life wise. Champ needed Jack to figure that out on his own.

“She left me in the dust sir. I, uh, I don’t think she wants to see me.” Jack stutters as a wave of emotion washes over him.

Champ leans forward, “I think it’s best you see her Jack. I wouldn’t be tellin’ you this unless I thought was of grave importance.”

You have a child, Champ’s mind screams.

Jack eyes his former boss. The older gentleman was right. Jack lets out a breath.

“You have no one Jack,” Champ remarks, “but you could have someone. She was a part of your life Jack. You proposed to her and she said yes. Don’t let your actions account for what could be now that you are free.”

Jack’s heart sinks in his chest as he relives the day you left him alone in the prison.

He knew you had been right about him comparing you to Lela. He could not believe he was foolish enough to hold onto her for so long when he had finally found you. Jack should have buried Lela’s memory, along with the unborn child’s, the day he knew he loved you.

“She won’t want to see me.”

“I know you’ve changed Jack. Prison does that to a man. Let her see you’ve changed. Let her see Lela and the unborn child are behind you.”

Champ had visited Jack once a week. The old man felt sorry for Jack especially when Y/N didn’t come around for another visit. Champ had become Jack’s therapist in a way, helping him sort out his life, who he loved, and how he could be free from the prison he was in.

Jack sighs heavily as he stands, “Y/N said it was over. She didn’t want anything to do with me.”

Champ raises his eyes to look into Jack’s. “Find her Jack. As a friend, I beg of you to find her. Talk with her,” Champ pauses, “be kind.”

Jack nods curtly, turns on his heel and leaves.

-------

You pull the cookie sheet from the oven and place it on the counter. The smell of cinnamon rolls over the bakery.

“Smells delicious Y/N,” Lisa remarks as she walks over with your daughter, Adira.

The four-month-old smiles widely at you as you begin to place homemade cinnamon rolls on a cooling rack. You reach out and pinch her cheek lightly. You keep your eyes focused on her face.

Your parents had said she was the splitting image of you when you were born. Yet when you look at her you saw Jack in those deep brown eyes of hers. Your mind often thinks of him, recalling the happy years you spent together before everything came crashing down a year ago.

You wonder about the day when Jack gets released. You aren’t scared of facing him, you’re more concerned about him finding out about Adira and him becoming angered because you left out the tiny detail of being pregnant when you saw him last. Therefore, giving him the ammunition to be in his daughter’s life.

“Your mind is wondering off again,” Lisa states lightly.

You grab the made from scratch icing and begin to ice the rolls. “Just thinking.”

“About Jack?”

You wince at the name, and how right she is. “You know me too well.”

“I am your best friend. Same high school, college.”

“I know,” you turn and face her, “and you let me crash with you. You were there with me when I told my parents about the pregnancy. Were with me during the process of buying this place and starting the bakery.”

You had feared your parents wouldn’t like you being a single parent, but they supported you after you informed them of Jack’s situation and once their granddaughter was born they were enamored with her and spoiled her rotten.

Before Adira was born you knew you wanted to open a bakery. It was a dream of yours. You loved to bake. You did it often growing up, did it plenty back in N.Y.C.

“I love these sweets darlin’,” Jack’s voice drawls in your mind, “but you’re still the sweetest treat ever.”

You shake your head and push Jack’s words aside. You didn’t need him invading your thoughts. You were free of him and was hoping you’d never see him again. You know you’ve done well for yourself over the last year. You were a single mom running your own business, and you knew you were capable of anything.

You focus on washing the few pieces of dirty dishes as Lisa opens the bakery for the day. A line of people walk in ready to get their morning coffee and breakfast pastries.

The afternoon comes quickly but you know it drags on, especially since it’s Thursday. You sit at the counter planning out next week’s special treats. May fourth is amongst the dates on your piece of paper. You’ve thought about making cookies in the shape of Darth Vader helmets, Yoda’s head, and even the Millennium Falcon.

Your mind is focused on the list, you don’t pay attention to the person who walks in and begins scanning the small bakery. The place is empty save you. Lisa had taken Adira to a daycare around the corner. You’ll pick her up when you close the shop at five.

“Smells like heaven,” the voice drawls.

You stop writing as the familiar voice reaches your ears. You never thought you’d be hearing it again so soon, or even at all.

You look up and into Jack’s deep brown eyes. Your heart quickens at the sight of him. He looks freshly groomed – well trimmed haircut and mustache. He’s without his beloved Stetson as he wears a long-sleeved black button down top and blue jeans. You can smell the cologne he always wears.

Jack takes in your look of bewilderment as he stands in front of the cash register. You’re a heavenly sight to his eyes. It had taken him a couple of days to find out where you were. He had to plead with a contact at the Denver P.D. about doing a search on you.

When he finally got the information, Jack had watched the bakery for a day. His nerves getting the best of him because he wanted to wait till you were alone to speak with you. And now he had his opportunity.

“Jack,” you whisper.

“Y/N,” Jack drawls in return.

“What, uh, what are you doing here? How did you find me?”

Jack shrugs, “I was let go. Gave the Statesman some valuable information. I was able to beseech an old connection with the D.P.D. about doing a search for you.”

Right, you think. You remember Jack knowing some of the police officers working for various departments in the area when you had begun dating.

“Yet you knew I was back here?” You retort with slight anger.

Jack shrugs, “this was your home. Is your home. The only place you know. When we talked about having a family, we talked about me transferring permanently back here so you could have their support since I had no one.”

Even though I’d have you, you think. Because you knew he’d be a great father to his child. He’d be wrapped around their finger for life.

Your heart swells as you think of the possible scenarios Jack and Adira would have as a father and daughter – their first fight, meeting the dates who will take her out, walking her down the aisle, holding a grandchild.

And where would you be? Would you be with them, living together? Taking Jack back and loving him? Because a part of you still did – he is the father of your child. The precious gift you had been bestowed with by the man standing in front of you.

“I would like to talk to you. Explain things.” Jack remarks.

You nod your head as you walk from around the corner, towards a clean and empty table.

Jack sits across from you, “I’m glad you opened a bakery. You’re the best baker I’ve ever known.”

You blush, “thank you Jack.”

“You’re most welcome.”

Silence stretches wide between the both of you as you gaze into each other’s eyes. Both of you remembering and reliving the past you shared together.

Jack clears his throat, “I want to first and foremost apologize for my actions. I shouldn’t have done what I did which led to me becoming a criminal and you walking away from me,” Jack pauses, “I’d like to apologize for comparing you to Lela. You were right all those months ago when you visited me. I shouldn’t have compared you to her. I should have buried her in the past, where she belongs. It’s where she is now, along with the unborn child. They are both behind me Y/N,” Jack reaches across the table and takes your hands into his, “I want, I need a future with you. I love you,” he removes one hand from your skin and reaches into a pocket. He pulls out the ring he had given you then you had given him in return, “I want to marry you. Have a family. Support you in this bakery endeavor. I will find a job – to support us, to support the children we’ll have.”

You absorb the words Jack spews out. You let them sink in. Part of you wanted him to be a part of your life again because it would be beneficial to Adira. He needed to know his daughter. Jack needed to know he created another life.

“Jack, I—” you begin but you’re interrupted by someone coming into the bakery.

“Y/N!”

You stand and smile at the gentleman who walks in. He’s become a regular, he’s also a flirt.

“Rob,” you smile as you make your way behind the counter, “what may I get for you today?”

“Your world-famous snickerdoodles, and a few chocolate chips.” Rob says with a flirtatious smile.

“Anything else?” You say as you grab a bag and tongs.

“How’s Adira?”

You smile, “she’s good. At daycare.”

Rob eyes roam over you as you tie the bag then head to the register. He moves to the register as well. “She’s beautiful just like her mom.”

You swallow and smile. Your heart racing in your chest. He always flirted every time he came in but today Jack was here. You take this chance to fully look at Rob. He has short ginger hair, mahogany colored eyes. Light fuzz covers his cheeks. Your eyes then move down the small seating area and land on Jack who’s looking at you with a raised brow. You instantly melt at his gaze.

You turn to Rob, “on the house Rob. Just this once.”

Rob laughs lightly, “thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” you sigh as you hand over the bag of cookies then watch him depart the bakery.

Jack gets up from the table. He moves his eyes between you and the gentleman. He sees the gentleman smile at you as he takes the bag. A tinge of jealousy rolls over him. Jack wonders about the men who’ve flirted with you, wondered how many have been between your legs.

Jack waits till the man is gone. He takes long strides towards you and walks behind the counter. He pulls you into his arms and captures your mouth. He feels your hands travel up his arms and loop around his neck. He rejoices when you open your mouth and let him in. He relishes in how you taste of sugar and honey.

Your body overheats as Jack’s hands move down your back. You’ve had no one else since him. No one else has made your body vibrate like he has since he first kissed you years ago outside a rundown bar.

He had done the same then as he had now. Taken big steps and brushed his mouth with yours. He had wanted to make sure you never forgot him, and you hadn’t.

You pull faintly away from Jack, cup his cheek, “I need to tell you something.”

“What?”

You let out a breath, “I’d rather show you.”

Jack feels lost once you step out of his arms. He watches you scribble on a scrap piece of paper. You hand it over to him and he traces a finger over an address.

“Meet me at seven.” You knew the man needed to meet his daughter. “Dinner and I will show you what you need to know.”

“I don’t know if I can wait,” Jack drawls.

You reach out and cup his cheek. Your thumb strokes his soft skin. “Please Jack. If you love me, you’ll wait and show up.”

Jack takes your outstretched hand, kisses the inside of your wrist. “I’ll wait and see you at seven.”

-------

Lisa looks at you quizzically. “You’re really going to let Jack meet her?”

“Yes,” you sigh out, “he’s her father.”

“I know Y/N. But what if he wants the whole nine yards? You back with him and married, raising Adira together?”

You shrug, “he said he loved me. He said the ghost was behind him.”

“You believe him?”

“His words were genuine. He looked like a changed man, sounded like a changed man.”

Lisa embraces you tightly, “I just, I want to make sure you think long and hard before you agree to get back together with him. I was here when he wasn’t. I was your rock when he fucked everything up.”

You hug Lisa in return, “I know. I love you. He needs to know about his daughter. That’s all that matters.”

You were still hesitant about being with Jack, but he deserved to know about his daughter.

Lisa steps back and smiles, “call me if you need anything. I’ll be at my parents which isn’t far away.”

“I know. Now go.”

Lisa smiles weakly and grabs her purse. “Alright. I’ll see you later.”

You walk her to the door, “you will, and I’ll be fine.”

Lisa nods her head, opens the door, and leaves you alone in the house you share.

Jack rings the doorbell promptly at seven. He smiles widely and holds out a bouquet of roses as you open the door.

You smile in return and take the roses. You inhale their scent, which brings your mind back to the night he proposed. You push the memory aside as you usher him in.

“Let me get these in some water,” you murmur as you walk into the kitchen.

Jack takes in the open and expansive floor plan. “You’ve done well.”

“This is my best friend’s house. I’ve been staying here since I returned.” You remark.

“And where’s the roommate tonight?”

“At her parents but she will be returning Jack. So don’t get any ideas.”

“I’m a gentleman,” Jack drawls.

You smile and shake your head.

“Is this what you wanted to show me? You’re doing well and don’t need me?”

“Don’t jump to conclusions Jack,” you reply.

“Fine but I am dying to know what you wanted to show me.”

You look at Jack. You’re nervous but must get on with it. You begin walking and turn down a hallway, “follow me.”

Jack follows you down a long hallway and to a closed door. He watches as you turn the handle and open it slowly. He sees the finger you press against your lips – signaling him to be quiet.

He turns to look in the room. It’s a baby nursery with a crib and changing table, even a dresser. The walls are lavender in color and wooden block letters adorn a wall.

“Adira?” Jack’s voice cracks.

You grab Jack’s arm and walk him towards the crib.

Jack looks down and sees a beautiful sleeping baby.

“Meet your daughter,” you whisper.

Jack swells with emotion as he reaches down and runs a lone finger down a cheek. He’s a father. He’s always wanted a child, wanted a family since he could remember. He wanted to have something great in his life because he had to endure the nastiness of his own family. He wanted to raise a child with the woman he loved. He needed a family of his own. “May I?”

“Yes.”

Jack reaches down with his other hand and with both hands picks up the baby slowly and carefully. He cradles her against his chest as tears escape his eyes.

“She’s amazing, beautiful,” Jack whispers, “why Adira?”

“It means strong, noble, powerful. I wanted to give her a worthwhile name. Something to reflect my strength and power because she was mine throughout the past year.”

You watch as Jack makes his way to the rocking chair and sits. You see the glassiness of his eyes and the wave of emotions overtaking him. You watch as he absorbs the moment of holding his child for the first time, slightly surprised he’s not angry for keeping Adira away from him but you know he’ll make up for the lost time now.

“I’ll leave you two alone.”

Jack looks up at you. “You’ve given me the greatest gift.”

“You deserved to know Jack. She’s your daughter too.”

“And what about us?”

You walk towards the open door, look back at Jack and shrug, “we’ll see.”

Tags: @pascalisthepunkest, @synystersilenceinblacknwhite, @caitlincat-95, @kaelyn-lobrutto24, @x-wingwarriorbbpoe8, @arrowswithwifi, @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead, @longitud-de-onda, @knight-of-heart44, @pedrosdoll, @halefirewarrior, @stardust-and-starlight, @readsalot73, @random066, @earl-01, @ezraslittlebirdie, @bonkybaaarnes

Part 2 tags: @shayna-winchester, @mrsparknuts

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