#currently a huge disconnect between me and my body

[tranakin-skywalker]

Story Masterlist

Figured I should finally make one of these so y'all know what the fuck I'm talking about when I go on about my silly little au ideas. I'll be updating this list as I publish things/ come up with new ideas. Published fics have a hyperling to their ao3 embedded in their title.

THE BIG BOYS

Singularity:

Half canon re-write, half me going "hey wouldn't it be fucked up if _?" Basically I packed all my favorite little headcanons and tropes into one five-part monster of a series, featuring things like eldritch demigod Anakin, Force deities, fucked up Naboo politics, sentient droids, and a Galactic Civil War that actually feels Galactic and like a war. Somehow ended up with me both trying to make Star Wars more realistic, and leans way more into the mythological side of the story. Also features a ton of my own original concepts. A pantheon of Tatooine gods and slave culture inspired loosely by Fialleril, Sith religion and rituals, clone culture and language built around the idea that they've been dehumanized and un-personed for their entire existence, and a bunch of stuff about the Coruscant underworld. You can find more about it under my fic:singularity tag

Star-Birth:

The first part of Singularity more or less covering the events of TPM with a few... creative liberties taken. Status: Published/ Ongoing Word Count: 92,740

Accretion:

Part II of Singularity covering the years of Anakin's apprenticeship between TPM and AOTC, as well as looks into both the lives of Shmi and Padme. I took inspiration from a bunch of the stories in Legends covering this time period but most of it is my own thing. This is the one that goes the deepest into the functions and every day life of the Jedi, as well as life on Coruscant in general. An exploration of the disconnect between the governing body of the Senate and the wider galaxy, the wealth disparity on Coruscant and just how fucking dystopian it is, and generally how something like the Clone Wars could come about. Status: Unpublished

Asterism:

Part III of Singularity. AOTC if I butchered it's body and reassembled it in the imagine of my own design. Some of the movie's plot points remain but I'm attempting to get from Point A to Point B as originally as I can while still keeping with the heart of Attack of the Clones. Status: Unpublished

Nucleosynthesis:

Part IV of Singularity. The Clone Wars but not the animated version. We are going full Republic comics version baby. Ahsoka is still here tho, because I love her. Basically my idea of what a galactic civil war would actually look like, featuring space battles that last for months on end, widespread disease outbreaks, planets completely wiped out of existence, billions of combatants, and war crimes galore. The size of this war is immense. Like, there's over 1 billion active duty clones at any given time. (Which actually isn't even all that much compared to the population of the Republic at large lol) Probably the most space opera of the series. Status: Unpublished

Event Horizon:

Fifth and final part of Singularity. Essentially it's version of RotS, but with a vastly different ending. And beginning. And middle. Basically it's RotS if you squint. This I think is going to be the one that goes the deepest into the mythological/ fantasy aspects of the story. The Force and all it's weirdness is a huge aspect of this one. This is also the fic that goes the deepest into the Sith and all their awfulness. It features a much beloved headcanon of mine that when a Sith master is killed by their apprentice, part of their consciousness enters into their apprentice as a sort of living holocron. Which means that the current Sith master is essentially possessed by all the Sith that came before them and is constantly having to fight to keep control of their own body. It serves both as a way to pass on all the Sith teachings (since a living master would have a vested interest in keeping knowledge from their apprentice and thus a lot of that knowledge would be lost over time) and as an attempt at immortality. A strong enough spirit can take control of a weak enough vessel. Unfortunately for all those Sith masters, any apprentice who is able to go on and kill their own master isn't going to be in any way weak. A full, proper possession in the Sith lineage has been few and far between. I imagine y'all can guess what this means for Sidious' intentions with Anakin, a living vergence of the Force and for all intents and purposes immortal (even if Anakin won't let himself acknowledge that fact). Status: Unpublished

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Cytokinesis:

What started as me asking myself "what if the start of ANH but Vader/Anakin was trans and the twin's gestating parent and thus, recognized Leia immediately?" which then turned into something much much longer than I intended. Oops. The actual story starts during the Clone Wars when Anakin discovers he's been magically impregnated by the Force just like how his own mother was. Deals a lot with gender, parenthood, generational trauma, and repeating cycles. Also clones. Lots and lots with the clones. Their relationship with Anakin after discovering that he's basically a clone of his mother is a huge part of this fic. This particular version is going to follow along the beats of RotS and what comes after more or less (so, things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. Sorry) with some divergence here and there. This is the fic I find myself going back and rewriting/tweaking the most. Which is partially why it's taking me so long to update. I'm trying to make this next chapter one I'm completely happy with instead of having to go back and redo it in a few weeks lol. (Tho I think that's part of the fun of fanfic, the ability to go back and change things whenever you want). Honestly, this one is getting so long I might end up having to split it into two fics. fic: cytokinesis tag Status: Published/ Ongoing

Unnamed Cytokinesis Spin-off:

While Cyto is going to have a happy ending, it's going to take a lot of hurt to get there. Which is why I came up with an au to my au where the twins come early, Anakin doesn't fall, and things are happy... ish. The Republic is still a trash fire on the brink of collapse and everyone still has so so much trauma. Even when I write a happy au, things still suck lmao. I just can't imagine a RotS fix-it where things aren't still falling apart and Anakin gets off scot-free for murdering the president of the galaxy. Status: Unpublished

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Groundwater:

Ah yes, the fic that is really three differnt aus in a trench coat. 1. In the midst of galactic instability and the seceding of dozens of planets from the Republic, a revolt begins to spread in the Outer Rim. A revolt led by unknown masked force users, and a suspected Sith known only as Vader. The Jedi scramble to uncover the identity of these new enemies, only to discover a plethora of unpleasant truths that make them begin to question themselves and the very Republic instead. 2. After five years with the Jedi Anakin starts to have nightmares about his mother dying and they. just. won't. stop. He asks Obi-Wan for help, begs him for the chance to go to Tatooine and make sure she's alright. He isn't allowed to go. So he takes matters into his own hands. He leaves in the middle of the night, nothing but a note and a cut padawan braid left behind, and he goes to save his mother. Anakin ends up finding more than just his mother. There's a freedom network, one that Shmi is part of. There is a rebellion brewing, stolen weapons and stolen ships. There is a city in the desert, a paradise made by the hands of escaped slaves. And there are things, old things, powerful things, that he never new existed on Tatooine. Like deep ancient caves carved by the planet's mythical groundwater where kyber crystals grow wild and undiscovered. 3. Darth Vader lived, and then he died. In his son's arms he died, but that wasn't the end of it. There is no death, there is only the Force. And the Force was not done with him yet. He returns, four decades in the past, as a ghost haunting his younger self. Forced into the role of a passive observer, no power, no voice, seen only by one little boy and unable to change anything. Cursed to watch history repeat itself. Or at least that's what he thought. fic: groundwater tag Status: Unpublished

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I Wonder Which One Has My Eyes:

There was something achingly familiar about the pair of droids following the young princess around, Pooja thought. Or Pooja Naberrie, junior senator of Naboo, is invited to a senatorial event on Alderaan. There she meets and befriends young Princess Leia Organa. A few things click into place. This one is actually inspired by @keistance fic Uncle Ani, where the Naberries knew about the Anidala marriage. I thought it would be so so fun if Pooja realized that Leia was her baby cousin and secretly tells Leia all about her birth parents. Which means she goes into ANH knowing all about Padme Amidala and Anakin Skywalker, something that completely derails a certain interrogation with a certain Dark Lord when he stumbles over that particular fact. I'm fascinated by the idea of Leia coming from a similar place as Luke in canon, where she knows her father as a good man named Anakin Skywalker before she ever knew him as Vader. I think that change in perspective would give her the same belief and drive to bring her father back to the Light that Luke has. Also I think both twins ganging up on Vader to bully him into redemption is very funny. Status: Unpublished

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Unnamed Togruta AU:

Or Togruta!Skywalkers. Shmi and Anakin are Tatooine togruta, a rare population of togs that were ensalved from Shili dozens of generations ago and slowly grew to adapt to the desert environment. A characteristic of the Tatooine togs is the forward facing montals, which Anakin has. It's a trait coveted for gladiator slaves since they can be used to pin down/gore opponents. Anakin was occasionally entered into matches as a child where he was forced to fight and kill animals. Had he not been taken by the Jedi, he would have eventually been put in death matches against other sentients. (because I'm lazy I'm just copy/pasting this part from an old ask)

A lot of the ideas are coming from the hyena discord, so I can’t claim them as my own. But they are just too good to pass up. Like togruta making infrasound with their montrals and constantly projecting their moods. So when Anakin first gets to the Temple he’s constantly screaming for him mom at a pitch that only other togruta can hear. I’ve decided that that’s actually how he first meets Ahsoka. She hears him making his lost, scared, where’s mom, where’s family sounds and seeks him out to comfort him. Ahsoka would be about four here, and would have left Shili recently enough that she could still remember what those noises mean, even if Tatooine togruta sound different from Shili togruta. (to a Shili tog Anakin’s distressed noises sound like he’s being maimed, but that’s just because of the generational trauma and general awfulness of being a togruta on Tatooine. What they would think of the vocalizations he makes when actually being maimed we will not think about)

So Anakin and Ahsoka end up growing up together right from the start, and the main reason Anakin is so insistent on being knighted early is so that Ahsoka can be his padawan. It’s a private thought he has to himself at first, but as Ahsoka gets older and no masters are showing any interest in taking her on she starts to panic. Anakin tells her that he’ll just have to get knighted before she ages out so that he can be her master. And then the Clone War starts and he realizes that keeping his promise means bringing her onto the battlefield with him where she could die and he’s not sure if he’ll be enough to keep her alive :) Because Shmi is a togruta too she does not get bought by Cleigg Lars. I am just. not dealing with the implications of that. (Listen. I want to read Shmi’s marriage to him as a good thing, but I have a very hard time doing that.) Now, there’s actually a comic (Legands, I think, not Disney canon) where Gardulla goes to Watto and tries to buy Anakin back after he wins the Boonta Eve Classic. So have some fun thoughts about what would have happened to Anakin if he hadn’t gone with Qui-Gon. In the fic, Gardulla goes to buy Anakin but of course he left with the Jedi, so Gardulla decides she’ll take Shmi as payment for Watto’s debts. After all, if Shmi already had one child who turned out to be a talented podracer, well, she might have more. Hence the younger sibling that comes about shortly after Anakin leaves.

When Anakin goes back to Tatooine because of the nightmares about his mom he finds out that Watto sold his mom back to Gardulla and has to go to her to buy his mom’s freedom. Which would be traumatic, on multiple levels. Anakin finds out that a month before he arrived, Shmi tried to escape with the sister Anakin didn’t know he had, and Gardulla had their chips detonated. Gardulla even gives him their triggered remotes as proof. (Of course unbeknownst to Anakin, Shmi and the sister survived and are living with a village of other escaped togruta.) A lot of canon still happens the same, including Anakin’s fall, Order 66, Mustafar, etc. But when Bail Organa sees Ahsoka at Padme’s funeral he tells her that he can take her to a mutual friend of theirs. Ahsoka thinks (hopes) it’s Anakin at first, and is devastated when she realizes it’s Obi-Wan (and then hates herself for feeling disappointment because she should be happy that Obi-Wan is still alive, but he’s not Anakin, and this means that Anakin must be dead). There’s no Lars family and the Organas would have a harder time explaining a non-human daughter, so Ahsoka and Obi-Wan end up taking care of the twins. They eventually find their way to Tatooine because it’s out of the Empire’s notice and, well, because it’s a connection to Anakin (Ahsoka’s trying to hold onto anything she can that connects her to her brother and Obi-Wan is in his self-harming phase.)

And it’s there that they eventually run into a little community of togruta and a woman who looks suspiciously like Anakin who has the last name Skywalker. But hey, Shmi gets to meet her grandkids at least. Even if it happens at the same time that she finds out that son she thought she’d sent away to a better life and hasn’t seen in 13 years is dead. (Obi-Wan sees how much Anakin’s death destroys Shmi and decides to never, ever tell her what he became. Vader will be his burden and it’s a secret he will take to his grave. Anakin Vader is dead, and he’ll save them from ever finding out how it really happened) Of course, 15 years later Ahsoka goes to rescue some rebels from a walking death omen in black when she realizes the infrasound calls he’s shrieking out of his mangled montrals is devastatingly familiar.

togruta au tag or togrutakin tag Status: Unpublished

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Anachromism:

Anakin ends up twenty three years in the future, Vader ends up twenty three years in the past.

So you’ve got Anakin just fresh off the child murder suddenly flung into the Rebellion era and being faced with how much he supremely fucked up. Meanwhile Vader like not even a week after Bespin suddenly back in the Jedi Temple in the middle of the Purge. And because his vision is shit he doesn’t realize at first that it’s a bunch of clone troopers shooting at the big black angry mass that suddenly appeared. Which leads him to accidentally saving a bunch of baby Jedi, who of course imprint on him like orphaned ducklings. Vader figures he must had died at some point and this is a divine punishment for all the atrocities, trapped in a purgatory of reliving all his greatest mistakes. So in a bit of an uncharacteristic move for him, he doesn’t murder to death the gaggle of preschoolers he’s accidentally collected, and instead, in a series of absurd events sort of unintentionally helps to start the Rebel Alliance in a bit of cosmic irony.

Status: Unpublished

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War Machines (title pending):

Jedi are living weapons. Far into the Outer Rim, the Hutts obtain a planet killer. Dystopian au where the sith empire was never wiped out and controls half the galaxy and the Republic is more of an authoritarian dictatorship that uses teh Jedi as living weapons of mass destruction. Force sensitive children are taken from their families and trained as soldiers, raised with a cloned ‘handler’ who was designed specifically to be able to keep their Jedi in line. The Jedi are eldritch, incredibly powerful beings that are forced to wear suppression gear that keeps them confined to their physical form. Only the handler is able to turn it off the gear and allow the jedi the full use of their abilities. Some force sensitives are wired into ships or turned into actual weapons. On Tatooine, Gardulla realizes one of her slaves is a powerful force sensitive and begins having him trained like a jedi to be her own personal one man army. Status: Unpublished

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the thing that lives in dead stars (title pending):

A gambler Watto may have been, but stupid he was not. Anakin Skywalker was too great a prize to risk losing, not when the man betting had the gleam in his eye that told of a winning hand. Not that it mattered in the end. The boy won, and Watto lost, and the hutts got themselves the only human in the entire galaxy that could win a pod race. At least the outlander didn’t leave with the boy as well as his pretty Noobian ship. Or Anakin wins the race but not his freedom. Six years later, the circuit brings him to Coruscant, and the attention of a Sith Lord. My very fucked up Anakin raised as a Sith AU. Status: Unpublished

Shapeshifters AU:

aka space vampire Vader aka sun dragon Skywalkers. So I think we've established by this point that I can't get enough of Eldritch Skywalkers. They are my JAM. So of course I made another eldritch Skywalkers au. There's a few main points to this one. 1. Anakin, and subsequently Luke and Leia, being freaky part-Force abominations, can shapeshift. However, they cannot shapeshift into anything they like. This isn't FMA Envy/ Mystique/ whatever. They can't just look at a person and copy their face. Instead they have to have a deep emotional connection to what they are transforming into, and that transformation is always accessed by strong emotion. While they could theoretically shapeshift into a person they care very close to, the thought of doing so is very unnerving and almost violating, so they don't. Instead, all three Skywalkers have a habit of changing into creatures from Tatooine mythology. 2. Anakin and Beru are half siblings. I love this idea. I cannot express to you how much I love this idea. It just scratches something in my brain so well. Beru is Anakin's younger sister by about a year, and got left on Tatooine with their mother when Anakin was taken by Qui-Gon. She is not a part-Force abomination, but grew up knowing all about Anakin's weirdness. 3. Luke AND Leia are both given to Beru (and Owen) because of said knowledge about Anakin's weirdness. She is probably the best and safest option for raising two baby shapeshifting half-Force abominations. And thus the twins grow up on the same stories Anakin did, with the added knowledge that he could turn into those creatures, and thus, so do they. 4. At some point Anakin found out he could consume the midi-chlorians of other Force sensitives on account of the whole half-Force abomination thing. And since midi-chlorians exist in a persons blood, well. Space vampire. Sidious has a lot of fun feeding Force sensitive people to his pet monster. 5. Speaking of- Vader is more often than not a fuck off huge black hole of a sun dragon. Like, legitimately. In this, sun dragons are essentially living stars in the shape of massive serpents. Vader is what happens when one of those living suns becomes a black hole. 6. Vader is just all around fucked up honestly. He no longer gets to decide what form he takes. His body and everything about it is determined by Sidious' will. His master decides what he turns into, and Vader was always meant to be a monster on a leash. So of course that's what Sidious keeps him as. 7. The twins somehow get roped into the Rebellion. Don't ask me how, I haven't figured out that part just yet. Status: Unpublished

SHORT FICS & ONE-SHOTS

For a Son:

He could not bring her son back to her. Could not even return his body to lay to rest. The least he could do was bring her the grandchild she never even knew she had. He knew it could never forgive what he had taken. Obi-Wan finds out what happened to Shmi Skywalker. Word Count: 4,018 Status: Published

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Lessons the Desert Gave:

No one ever understood how the sand would sink into open wounds. How, no matter how much you scrubbed and washed and clawed, the sand always found its way into your blood. The desert has a way of sticking with you, even long after you left it. (Turns out growing up a slave can really fuck a guy up.) Ficlet/ one-shot collect of character studies looking at all the ways Anakin's childhood would have really messed him up. I'm open to prompts/ requests for this one. Word Count: 1,820 Status: Published / Ongoing

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Dead Letters:

Post RotS. Obi-Wan gets drunk and messages Anakin on his old comm from the war, forgetting that Anakin is dead. For some reason, he keeps on doing it. What could it hurt? Anakin is dead, his comm destroyed on Mustafar just like his body. So he keeps sending messages, because for just a second, it means he can pretend that Anakin is still alive out there somewhere. Then he discovers he doesn't have to pretend. This one could so easily be a crack-fic. Darth Vader gets drunk texts from Obi-Wan telling him all about how awful Tatooine is and that he'll never make fun of Anakin again for hating sand and he keeps getting sunburnt and also Anakin's son is so sweet and cute and just like him until he turned into a surly teenager, why couldn't he just stay an adorable little boy forever? Status: Unpublished

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Jewel Box:

Sidious’ obsession ran deep. What he wanted, he would have- wholly, utterly, and completely. His want for the boy was no different. Sidious POV of Anakin through the years featuring all the horrible messed up things he thinks and does. Big BIG warning for child abuse, grooming, and rape/non-con in addition to Sidious' all around awfulness. This is probably the most awful thing I've ever written. Like holy shit it's fucked up. It's taking me ages to finish because I keep having to take breaks from it. And I'm not even going into any graphic detail. Title comes from that one line in the RotS novel where Sidious calls Vader's suit a jewel box. Status: Unpublished

[hattafan2593]

Buggy x Reader Fic Part 3

Part 1 Part 2

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A month had passed, and Crocodile and Mihawk kept true to their word. Outside of insults and cold remarks, they left their "leader" unscathed.

And it was driving Buggy absolutely bonkers.

He was so certain that they were planning something, that they were plotting his assassination.

It admittedly wasn't outside the realm of possibility, but you found it unlikely. While they were certainly more powerful, Buggy had more clout, and his followers were in the hundreds if not thousands. Killing him now would only result in a riot that would no doubt set whatever plans they had back considerably.

This combined with your leverage over the two made you certain that your paranoid boyfriend had nothing to fear.

Buggy was, unfortunately, not convinced.

Currently, he was pacing up and down your shared tent. His feet were disconnected from his body and they frantically shuffled after him as he floated in mid-air.

"I'm dead! I'm done for! They're planning something I just know it!"

"Buggy."

"Did you see the way that guy was looking at me?! He's working for them, I know he is! They somehow got one of my crew to spy on me!"

"Buggy."

"Gasp! What if they're spying on us right now?! They could've planted bugs all over this tent! Quick, help me look!"

"Red nose."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SA-"

You grabbed Buggy by the nose and pulled him towards you, so he was looking you in the eye.

"You finished?"

"Uh-huh." came his nasally reply.

You let go of his nose and cupped his cheeks. "Buggy. Mihawk and Crocodile aren't trying to kill you."

"But how do you know that?!"

You smirked. "Trust me. They wouldn't dare. Not if they know what's good for them."

Buggy blinked in confusion.

You placed your hands on your hips. "Let's just say that those two underestimated just how loyal one your followers could be, and they were given an offer they couldn't refuse."

"R-really?"

"Really."

Buggy stared for a couple of minutes, then burst out into laughter.

"Gyahahahahaha! Serves you right, ya bastards! That's what you get for messing with the great and powerful Buggy-sama!"

He suddenly stopped, his eyes darting back and forth. "But uh, don't tell them I said that, ok?"

"Mum's the word, dear heart."

Buggy let out a great sigh, then plopped on the bed next to you. "Ya know, I really owe that guy a huge one. I outta pay'im back somehow. A feast? A bigger cut of treasure? Whatta you think?"

Your smirk turned into a sly grin. "Oh, I can think of one thing they'd appreciate."

"Yeah? What iMMMPH!"

Buggy's question was smothered by the sudden kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck, and you both fell backwards onto the bed.

And so, Cross Guild was flourishing.

Mihawk and Crocodile still ran things for the most part, but publicly, they kowtowed to Buggy. Well, as much as their pride would allow at any rate.

Buggy, for his part, was content to let them do as they pleased so long as they kept up appearances and didn't try to hurt him. Which you thought was wise - provoking them unnecessarily might cause them to throw caution to the wind and lash out.

Interestingly, Buggy's crew had begun sucking up to him again. They obviously saw a shift in dynamics between the three company heads and were trying to get back in his good graces.

You knew deep down that Buggy would forgive them...after he watched them squirm for a little bit first.

You, on the other hand, made it abundantly clear that they were all on very thin ice, Galdino especially. You told him, in no uncertain terms, that if he ever pulled a stunt like that again, he would be serving Crocodile, all right...as lunchmeat for his bananawani.

Overall, though, things were going well. Buggy had decided to pull you out of the field and keep you close to base. You suspected it was to keep Mihawk and Crocodile in line, though he claimed otherwise.

You didn't mind; this just meant you had more time to spend with your boyfriend. It had been a while since your last date, and you were looking forward to it.

You would occasionally cross paths with Buggy's "partners". They would glare at you with deadly intent, and you would sweetly smile back, knowing that you had their balls in a vice and there wasn't a damn thing they could do about it.

Honestly, they had no one to blame but themselves. After all, it was only natural for a pirate to try and protect their most precious treasure.

The end.

#hattafan2593 #one piece #buggy the clown #sir crocodile #dracule mihawk #cross guild #reader insert #gender neutral reader #buggy x reader #buggy pirates #spoilers for chapter 1058 #second person pov

[oopsallsyscourse]

You know what? Let's talk about racial trauma today. Specifically mine. This is going to be a ridiculous long post (again), so bare with me. It's a bit of a trauma dump but not a vent. Tw for racism and internalized racism ofc.

To start, we're a black system, and we grew up in the suburbs. And if you know nothing else about the suburbs, it's primarily white. The area we were in was luckily in the Midwest, meaning that while there was still racism it wasn't as bad as the horror stories I heard in college.

Ok, so what were the effects of all this?

1) A lot of internalized racism. I'm not going to describe most of it for my own mental health, but it can be summed up pretty well with this video.

2) A huge disconnect to black culture that I still struggle with today. I feel like I don't know how to be a black person, and I don't know how to fix that. Combine that with some anxiety that you are "doing black wrong," and you got someone who's even more paralyzed to research their own culture.

3) Still suffering from the same generational abuse that is typical for black families but not having the same sort of community to help me process and deal with it.

And there's probably a ton more I'm not thinking of the moment. Now, how did this impact my system?

1) Not having a lot of alters that "look black." I'm fairly light skinned for a black person (but not mixed race). Combine that with the internalized racism mentioned above, and you have a child who fundamentally doesn't see themselves as black and is uncomfortable with reminder. We don't have a lot of concrete information on a childhood - much of it is a blur because, well, CDD - but what we were able to gather from drawings we drew when we were younger, we viewed ourselves as fair skinned, instead of the darker skin we actually have. Pretty much all of the older alters have fair skin or a straight-up completely non-human. Combined with the fact we currently split mostly fictives, there's not a lot of alters in our system who look like how our body does.

2) Similarly, almost no alters in our system resonate with black culture nor know how to act in a primarily black setting (although I will say there is no correct way to act besides being yourself). It's uncomfortable to feel that divide and have no clue how to solve it. This also manifests in a lot of animal alters, hybrid alters, and general shapeshifters.

Funnily enough, all this excludes our middle, who is enthusiastically in black culture (though he does know how to shape-shift between human and animal forms). So you have this fair skinned teenager who is very excited to be black and learn more about black culture.

3) I won't go too deep into this point as it's primarily the trauma that caused our system. But it permutations every aspect of our system. Our caretakers, persecutors, protectors, and trauma holder are all affected by this.

There's a reason I don't go into how my race affects my plurality; most of the effects are negative. I'm sure there's other poc that feel similarly. And you end up with an interesting but equally distressing post. Anyway idk how to end this post so the end. You can go home now.

Feel free to reblog it and comment on it if you like.

#syscourse #long post #alex+peter #been thinking about what a certain asshole said #so might as well talk about race and plurality

[a-timeless-illness]

hey, sorry to bother but im currently being extremely confused and i need to ask someone about this. i used to identify as a willogenic system but i recently left a really bad community, and when i left it i sort of decided "i'm not gonna be a willogenic system anymore because people don't like endos and everyone keeps saying they're harmful". so i kinda have been pushing all that down for the past month. but i can feel like, this warm feeling whenever i think of some of my headmates, like they're ready to come back whenever i say they can- and i think the 'kinshifts' i've been having have really just been one of my headmates who refused to pretend not to exist with the rest of them.

do you have any advice on how to leave anti-endo spaces and find pro-endo spaces? and any resources for questioning systems?

You're not a bother.

I can understand where you're coming from. We were in a somewhat similar situation awhile back. We pushed down non-trauma in origin headmates because of anti-non traumagenics rhetoric and other related problems. We had problems accepting the fact that we had non-trauma based origins alongside trauma based origins. We were also in anti-non traumagenic spaces. So, I get entirely where you're coming from.

However, in order to find pro-non traumagenic spaces, you must first slowly leave non-traumagenic spaces. I started by removing myself from inactive spaces or spaces I wasn't active in. Then, I slowly stopped talking in the spaces I was active in. Lastly, I left the spaces after a huge decrease in activity. Easier said than done, but it's for the better. It benefited me greatly.

When I joined pro-non traumagenic spaces, I explained how I used to be anti-non traumagenic, then explained my situation and why non-traumagenic systems are valid, why I changed my views, etc etc.

When it comes to questioning systems, it does vary a lot between person to person. If you are a median, multiple, mediple system, and/or have disordered/dissociative symptoms. I would mark down any of the following: a feeling of beings being present internally, a feeling of disconnection with your body and/or consciousness, disordered symptoms, identity changes (name, orientation, gender, pronouns, attraction that is not better explained by being fluid and/or flux), differentiating career paths, hobbies, and interests, and anything else you deem important.

If you decide to welcome the headmates back any time soon, I suggest you don't push it but instead welcome them to come back any time they wish to. You may also establish clear boundaries, fun activities to do, and anything related to make them feel more comfortable.

When it comes to differentiating between kinshifts and headmates, I find kinshifts feel a part of oneself, whereas headmates are a part of the body but not a part of oneself. You may also find that kinshifts may not have fluctuating identities, career paths, hobbies, interests, etc etc (they can, but it's rare. When it does happen, it gets hard to differentiate between the two).

#pro endo #endo #☆ asks

[the-diary-of-red-beryl]

To my 18 year old self

Writer's note: this one's a little messy editorially and some statements I've chosen not to elaborate on this time round, but I think overall it gets my feelings across fairly okay.

I met my younger self today. 18 year old me, to be exact. 

It had been a while, since I don’t have a consistent way of getting in touch with her. But this particular encounter came about after eating lunch. 

I do this thing where I forget to eat because I don’t notice my early hunger cues, so then I get ravenously hungry, and then I really crave a huge, heavy meal (today it was dry spicy hotpot noodles). I’m usually sad after eating this meal, for all sorts of reasons I think, like the disappointment following eating to fill a void of emptiness or loneliness, the loneliness of eating a meal alone, coming back to reality after the distraction of hunger subsides, or even just the onset of tiredness from my body digesting the food (tired = sad). Because the act of eating is me trying to cheer myself up, usually I panic when my mood drops after eating. 

I decided not to panic this time. I let the sadness wash over me, and then it happened.

I felt like I was 18 again, emotionally (something to do with the amygdala, schemas, emotional memory, etc.). Now, my range of emotions as an 18 year old were quite tragic, ranging from complete despair to sickening anxiety at best (I would have been in between my second and third attempts within a year). Typically I would feel a pit in my stomach if I were to feel these emotions exactly as my younger self did (nonono make it stop not this again) because in the past I would’ve worried over if I could survive returning to that place, but it felt different this time because I understood that this time round it was me reconnecting with my younger self. I actually felt happy that I was feeling sad. It's like meeting an old friend, whom you haven't seen in a long time but think about a lot from time to time.

“I have so much to tell you.”

Truthfully, I don't feel very much about my current self. I feel mediocre, unaccomplished, barely functioning basic adult tasks and still overthink way too much over small interactions and being perceived. But today I felt that the 18 year old me who sees me now as my 23 year old self, five years on, sees me in complete awe.

Reality is, I clawed my way through the last half decade painfully, making it this far by the skin of my teeth. And I feel that I have so much further to go and so much more to work on myself to be okay and finally be at peace. Every day is still hard to get through, and I’m just so tired still. But that 18 year old girl who sees me now, she cries because it’s beyond her wildest imaginations what she thought she could have or would become in these years since. 

I finished my university degree in three years with good grades, and from a notoriously difficult major at that, with a 33% course completion rate, after barely managing to finish highschool. I moved out of home at 20, and have been financially self-sufficient ever since. I work a high-paying full time job now, which I got offered even before graduating from my degree. I even own my own place, decorated how I like.

I'm covered in tattoos, have boy hair, and I’m physically healthier than ever. I have clothes that I like to wear and make me feel like me when I wear them. I'm happier with how I look now, especially now that I'm medically transitioning (didn't expect that one did ya). She's absolutely obsessed with what I changed my name to, too.

I have a very loving kitten that gives me little kisses every day. I got around to doing judo again, and piano, and reading, and learning Japanese, bass guitar, drawing, origami, cross-stitching, baking; all the things I thought I'd never have the energy to do again. 

The past few years, I've been so disconnected from life just trying to make it through and do what I thought I needed to do, that I haven't felt that I was truly living. Dissociation is a mechanism that works, but that’s the cost that it comes with. I don't regret it because I was doing the best I could with what I had, but I recognise that it no longer serves me as well now that I've created a safer environment for myself. 

Depression is the death of self-expression.

So, what do I want to tell my 18 year old self?

You are enough. You are not too much, and you’re not too little. You are enough.

I’m sorry that no one was able to tell you that growing up, that no one was there for you even in the worst of times when you needed them most. That you had to worry about things no 18 year old had business worrying over, that life felt so terribly bleak that you didn’t even want to see adulthood.

Life isn’t ‘good’ yet where I am now, and it might never be. I still don’t feel ‘okay’, and I still feel disconnected when people ask ‘how are you?’ or ‘are you happy?’ because I’m terrible at lying and it always feels so inauthentic to give a non-answer and hide myself. I still dread tomorrow as I struggle to sleep, and I still wake up in panic, as I dread the day that unforgivingly comes towards me. But I don’t wake up violently crying and shaking anymore. I can fall asleep alone now, albeit not easily. And I still feel so, so desperately lonely.

But the air smells fresh and very real as it passes through my lungs and sets it on fire. I notice the subtle colours in the sky, morning, day and night, and the smell of trees and flowers as I pass by, the feel of sand or concrete as I walk the paths of my neighbourhood.

My house is mine and mine only, and within it I am safe. No one can threaten me at home anymore, and I can laze around in bed and sleep in as much as I like. Here, no one can make me feel terribly flawed for existing as I am, no one can make me feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders for things that I was never ever meant to be responsible for. I don’t have to engage with people that make me feel unsafe, not anymore. 

I sing now, so much, in the four walls of my home, and with so much heart that I cry. I pour my heart out in my writing, even when it’s not addressed to anyone in particular. I still don’t particularly know my personality or who I really am, but I no longer feel as strongly that I need to fit in with others. I’ve stopped trying so hard to make connections work with nice people, or even not so nice people, and listen more to what my heart really wants. I don’t bend backwards for others anymore, nor do I bend backwards to do things I ‘should’ be doing. I simply just try to hold space to let myself be me, to exist as I am, and let myself grow and change the way I want to. I let my existence express itself as it interacts with this world. 

The tea and coffee I brew smells good, tastes sweet and is warm to the touch. There is always food at home, or out, which I can always afford. I allow myself to eat, to nourish my body and allow it to do the things it does to keep me alive. I keep an abundance of fruits and snacks in my house, and I bake often to share. People’s eyes light up when I offer them my baked goods, and they tell me how good it tastes.

I don’t feel any less lonely, but lately I’ve noticed more complicated expressions from some people in my life when they look at me, albeit briefly. I have none that I consider myself close to, but these people sometimes look at me like they have so much to say that is too hard to put into words. Nothing bad, but if I had to translate that look, it’s akin to something like, ‘I can tell how much you’ve been through, and you’re so incredibly strong for facing it and getting through.’ I don’t feel any less lonely, but I feel that I am sharing space with real people now where our lives intersect, whether through work or life, and these people feel human. 

I still don’t have someone that I can easily rely on for big things or small things, someone I can feel safe and willingly open up to, and share my experiences of being alive with. But it’s not something that makes me want to die anymore. I can live without it, indefinitely. I know that I’ll be okay now even if that person never comes, even if I never feel ‘fine’. Because I live this life for my own sake, to find out who I am in all my aspects, and appreciate that as I discover more and more about myself as I go on living.

I’m still as lonely as ever, but I think you’d appreciate that I did meet someone I find special. Probably because he reminded me of you, either someone who you wanted to become, or someone who you would’ve needed and appreciated having in your life at the time. Someone who is mutually attracted to me, who spoke to me first because he really liked something about me. Who I find so cool and amazing in terms of hobbies, endeavours, emotionally and intellectually. A person to whom I’ve written as raw as I could to, who seems to hear what I say even if he doesn’t say much in return. Who tries his best to find the right words and emotional energy to make me feel seen and heard, even when things are hard. His words and efforts speak volumes. He’s not always around, but I don’t find myself doubting his intentions like you had with your people. I’m not sure if this connection will culminate into something more or exist for long, but regardless it’s something I’ve deeply appreciated having experienced, because I know it’s what you needed to hear about. And I can tell you that life was worth living thus far just to experience this connection. From your time when everyone you were surrounded by felt like nothing more than trees, I can tell you that it’s possible to feel this way for another human and for them to feel something deeper for you, because it’s happened. It was possible. 

I feel like all my efforts in the last five years were so that I could go back and tell my younger self, ‘hey, I'm sorry it took so long. I'm here for you now.’ I needed to become the kind of person my 18 year old self felt that she could trust, rely on and open up to. Mentally she's next to me now, albeit briefly, as I offer to hold her hand and lead her through the next phase of my life. I'm not perfect and I've a long way to go, but I'm more confident that I'm strong enough now to be able to take her with me, because I know that I will always rise again after a fall, no matter what other challenges life may throw at me. Sometimes she’ll feel like leaving again because it doesn’t feel safe, or it feels too hard, and that’s okay. It’s okay to go back to somewhere that feels safe and familiar, and I will hold space for her and when things feel okay again she can choose to come out once more because she will always have a seat at this table.

#diaryposting #diary entry #my diary #journal #diary #self reflecting #writing #online diary #dear diary

[crowcryptid]

Give it up for the 4th day in a row of not being able to sleep more than 3 hours

#can I please just get some rest #anxiety cool moments #currently a huge disconnect between me and my body #cause mentally rn I am chill but body is like. freaking out. I’m so sore from the tension and shaking #during the day I’m fine it’s just as soon as I try to sleep I start shaking n stuff #and I can’t sleep during the day cause my bird yells

[princelyhelp]

bestie you have such good taste in webcomics give us some recs

OH MY GOD FINALLY!!! SOMETHING IM GOOD AT!!! okay so, a lot of stuff i read are queer webcomics ( specifically with gay men bc majority of the webcomics that are online and actually GOOD,,,, are about gay men ). anyways, here's a list of my favorite webcomics and where to read them.

omgcheckplease by ngozi: a webcomic written by a black woman aka my literal role model. omgcp is about a gay man named eric bittle who gets a hockey scholarship at samwell university. we watch eric learn about being a fratbro, coming in terms with his identity, fall in love, and become confident in playing hockey. it’s really cute and completed!! homophobia isn’t a huge part of the plot ( thank god ), like it’s there but the webcomic isn’t about the homophobic world. it’s just about bitty and his baking vlogs <3

tripping over you by suzana harcum: LITERALLY MY GO TO WEBCOMIC WHENEVER I’M SAD!!! CURRENTLY ON MY FOURTH REREAD. about liam and milo who are basically high school sweethearts and their lives from their last year of high school to their first year of college. deals with depression, disconnect between children and parents, divorced parents who still argue, arguments that happen in a relationship, and just finding yourself after turning 18/19. my favorite part of this webcomic is def the wedding scene bc i love love ( despite being aromantic ). 

heartstopper by alice oseman: YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT I WAS GONNA ADD THIS!!! everyone knows of this webcomic bc it’s so popular out of the three. literally makes me so happy and i relate to the characters a lot ( especially when it comes to my mental health and how that affects me on a daily ). gonna cry when the netflix series drop 

autophobia by g.h.s.t: sobbing, i love this. i think i have a thing for webcomics that deal with depression,,,,, probably bc i can relate to all of them AOGPIOAJGAOIGA also a gay love story but with high schoolers learning more about themselves, friendships coming to an end, learning to love and trust yourself again. it’s cute but also so sad. also if you talk shit about the artwork,,, i’ll throw a brick at you 

magical boy by the kao: OMG!!!! LITERALY!!! AMAZING!!! LOVE MY MANS KAO!!!! it’s a webcomic about a transman who comes from a long line of magical girls who protect the world from monsters. you can read it on tapas but you would have to pay ( VALID DO IT!!! IT’S SO GOOD!!! ). please be aware because the webcomic deals with the main character’s identity and his transphobic town and mother ( the dad is amazing, supports his beautiful son ). it’s still a huge rec

demon house by joanne kwan: this webcomic ended and im still not over it. literally a girl moves into this house with demons and it’s just her friendship with them. it’s also the first webcomic to truly draw angels how they REALLY look, which made me so happy. cried when it had to end. still crying over it OAIGJAIOGJAIG

the flying ship by jem milton: BEAUTIFUL, 10/10, I LOVE FOUND FAMILY PLOTS!!! it’s that diverse fantasy webcomic that we all need and deserve. the main character has a disability, another character is genderfluid, IT’S GAY!!!!! please read it, i need more people to read it. also the main character is written beautifully and doesn’t let their disability stop them from kicking ass ( bc people seem to think that disabled people cannot do the same shit as able bodied people )

lady knight by lion illustration: on webtoon and it’s truly amazing! about a bunch of 15 y/o who are training to become knights to beat up the darkness or whatever. but there’s a twist bc the main is a woman and usually, the knights are men but she was chosen. love her and her two best friends, ot3!!! 

hooky by miriam bonastre tur: I REMEMBER READING THIS WHEN THE VERY FIRST CHAPTER GOT DROPPED!!! about twin witches who missed the bus to their witch boarding school so they go to some random guy’s house to learn magic from him. starts off cute and silly before becoming dark and twisted. i sobbed when this ended, i’m still crying. 

other recs that i won’t go into details about: hooves of death, miss abbott and the doctor, lil char and the gang, midnight poppy land, LMLY, heir’s game, tower of god, boyfriends, space boy, siren’s lament, where tangets meet, always human, your letter, the girl from class, elena, for the sake of sita, matchmaker hero, kids are all right ( you will cry ), annarasumanara, and the stories of those around me

#the prince speaks #webcomic #omgcp #omgcheckplease #tripping over you #hooky #lady knight #the flying ship #magical boy #heartstopper #autophobia #pls come to me about webcomics whenever you want!!! #ive read over 1000 from 2015 'till now #it's def more but whatever #i also read a lot of mangas and have a lot of recs for that too!!!

[orionsangel86]

SPN Conspiracies - Applying Logic to Chaos

Its been over 2 months now since the Supernatural finale aired. I am still so angry, hurt, and confused by it and I don’t think I will ever get closure unless someone like Andrew Dabb, or Jensen Ackles, actually opens up and gives us an explanation that makes sense.

What annoys me most right now is people trying to gaslight fans into believing that we should accept the narrative we have been given at face value: That the finale was always planned to be that way, that Destiel was never on the cards, that there was no Network interference, that the only changes made were due to covid and were minor at best.

This harmful gaslighting is FALSE.

NO ONE KNOWS THE TRUTH OF WHAT HAPPENED.

Look, I don’t agree with some of the crazier conspiracy theories. I don’t believe that there was some huge campaign among the CW Network execs to remove anything remotely gay out of homophobia. I don’t believe that the finale was changed because of some desire to make it into a Walker promo. I don’t believe that the finale was really bad on purpose in protest by Dabb for not getting to do an ending he truly wanted. I don’t believe that Dabb left us smart fans a bunch of secret messages in the finale to hint that he was on our side all along and that everything was fake.

I do, however, believe that all of these conspiracy theories have some elements in them that are plausible. At least, more plausible than the bullshit narrative mentioned above that some people are pushing in some desperate attempt to defend the Network (which imo is really strange behaviour anyway - why would anyone care about a TV network with a history of terrible behaviour?!?)

We have facts, based on information provided before the covid lockdown, which for some reason, people like Misha have since backpeddled on. So let me try to outline some of the information that makes no sense.

Below the cut I go on a deep dive into the conspiracies and statements I have heard about the SPN finale and try to make some sense of this whole fucked up situation. It gets long.

1. “Cas was never gonna be in the finale”.

False: We have many fan accounts of Misha confirming that he was filming the finale. We have video evidence of Misha confirming he was going back to film the finale after the lockdown. We have confirmation from fans in Misha M&Gs from March that he had about 5 days of filming left.

We also had fan accounts of discussions with Alex Calvert (I think) where he confirmed the final shot of the final episode was all four of them though I would LOVE if someone can find a source for this.

2. Okay, Misha was gonna be in the finale, but only as Jimmy Novak

False: I heavily side eyed Misha when he said this. But I think I can come up with a plausible explanation for it. Per above, Misha was supposed to film for 5 days. This does not align with the half a day he described of filming as Jimmy Novak. My own belief is that after Cas was cut from the finale (for whatever reason we don’t know) someone (probably Jensen Ackles) put up a fight and complained that Misha should be there for the final episode. The writers probably tried to come up with a way to bring Misha back without having to deal with Cas, and pitched the idea of Jimmy Novak being in Heaven. Misha, obviously annoyed about this, turned this stupid pitch down.

3. Destiel was never a thing, never planned, never part of Dabb’s ending. Bobo and Misha pushing the confession was the part of the season that was Wrong.

False: We have a SPN writer on record saying that Castiel’s confession was the first thing written for Season 15 when the writers returned to the writers room. If it wasn’t planned, why was it the first thing written, why does it align so well with the rest of season 15? Look I know some people either a. hate destiel and refuse to see it even if it slaps them in the face, or b. have major heteronormative goggles on, or c. are just homophobes in denial, but 15x18 fits in perfectly with the narrative of season 15. Everything Cas says, everything that happened in that scene was so in character it just works. It fit. If you just rewatch the season whilst applying some critical thinking skills and pay attention to the narrative and character arcs, trust me, the confession fits in with pretty much every other plot point, and character story in the season.

Also: We have known for a while that the network did market research into Destiel, wanting to know if it would go down well or not. They were well aware of its popularity and considering it. Where would this have come from if not pitched by the showrunner? Dabb must have at least been considering it. If you take all of Dabb era into consideration, starting with mid season 11, all the way through the season 12 build up, season 13 grief arc, and then Bobo’s Destiel break up arc in late season 14, early season 15, it is clear that there was some toing and froing on the issue of Destiel, but ultimately, I still believe that Dabb was on board. He wrote 13x01 for christs sake. No way he wasn’t taking it seriously.

 4. It’s always been about the brothers. The finale just stays true to what Supernatural is all about.

*rubs temples* Fundamentally FALSE: The show has time and again reasserted the message of “Family don’t end with blood”, as well as the messages of AKF and YANA. Sam and Dean may be at the heart of the show, but a heart can’t exist without a body to support it. Without bones, and lungs, and blood, and muscles, and a BRAIN. The finale abandons the shows core messages. It forces the characters back into their season 1 characterisations and the whole thing becomes hollow and souless. But I’m not here to complain, I’m here to lay down the facts. Dean’s heaven was supposed to be surrounded by loved ones right? We know OG Charlie Bradbury was gonna be in his Heaven, we also know CAS was gonna be in there. So this idea that the finale as it currently stands was how it was meant to be is wrong. Dean was supposed to die and reunite with his found family and loved ones. This alone would have been a far better ending than the one given. Do I think this was solely a covid issue? Fuck no.

The randoms that WERE in the finale are proof alone that they could have got people in and quarantined. We also have several actors on record saying that they WOULD have quarantined for the finale had they been asked to return but they WEREN’T.

Lies have been told. Samantha Ferris and Chad Limberg have confirmed that we have been lied to about the original plans for the finale.

This alone is proof enough that there is more plausibility in some of the conspiracy theories than any bullshit narrative some people are pushing in defence of the barbaric mess of a finale we were given.

So lets address some of the conspiracy theories now:

Conspiracy No.1: The CW Network reviewed Supernatural during the covid break, and due to homophobia, refused any Destiel arc that wasn’t already filmed, shut down any potential reciprocation from Dean, and forced Dabb to change his finale.

I don’t think this is entirely what happened. But I do think it is very strange how there is a such a huge disconnect particularly in Dean’s characterisations between what had come before the lockdown, and what came after. The one fact we have here, and please someone provide a source if you can find it because I know there is one, the finale script was still going through changes up to only 2 weeks before it was filmed. We know that there was some weird editing in 15x18 (which was still in post and uncompleted before lockdown) and we know from Jensen’s own mouth that there was more to the confession scene on Dean’s side that was cut. We also know that this isn’t the first time that Destiel heavy moments have been changed in post - the prayer scene is another big scene that went through a lot of changes and Bobo fought to have his script play out the way he wanted it.

There are certain things that in my own opinions, are basically true of SPN which I have put together from years of keeping one eye on the writers room, the network, and all the various comments made. My opinion is this:

The writers room has always been split on Destiel. Some writers heavily supported making it canon, others did not care, or were against it.

The Network considered it over the course of several years, did market research, green lit it, then changed their minds, possibly several times over the course of Dabb’s era. Destiel was pitched to the Network early in Dabb era.

The crew on set were also split. Some people heavily supported it, and worked to assist the reading, whereas others did not care/did not support it. The same can be said for the editing room.

Bob Singer supported the subtextual homoeroticism, but never supported bringing it into text (this is an opinion, but I think it aligns with everything we know about him.) IMO Bob Singer also supported subtextual homoeroticism between Sam and Dean - the guy is gross is what I’m saying. He isn’t exactly a progressive person.

Fun fact - a while back our old enemy Sera Gamble went on a Twitter rant about writers rooms and the ways a script goes through changes. I don’t think this was in relation to the SPN finale wank but she basically inadvertantly confirmed that the Network can step in and make sweeping changes to a script if they want to and if they decide they don’t like the direction of a story. Sera Gamble confirmed this as a fact.

Now. I’m not saying that this is what the CW did with Destiel. I just think its very strange how pre lockdown, the last thing filmed is a heartfelt homosexual declaration of love between Dean and Cas, and we have a finale script that Misha had not seen, but knew that he was meant to film as Castiel for 5 days (5 days on set is over half of an episode as far as I know). Then all of a sudden, Covid happens, and Cas is cut from the finale completely, a desperate attempt to bring Misha back only as Jimmy Novak takes place, which Misha rightly refuses, leading to a finale which makes zero sense narratively and appears in every way completely and utterly butchered.

The only explanation provided by anyone involved is that Covid meant changes had to happen - but that covid didn’t change the actual story at all.

But this makes no sense because we know that Cas was cut from the finale. This is FACT. Do not let anyone gaslight you into thinking otherwise. Misha was preparing to quaranting to return to set as Cas post Covid, so whatever happened to cut Cas from the finale, it wasn’t Covid.

I’m gonna have to Occum’s Razor this and say that the most logical explanation here is the one that is most likely true. Someone got cold feet with the Destiel story, and to prevent any possible interpretation that included Dean reciprocating, any hints of Destiel were removed from the finale script, including Castiel’s whole appearance.

Now, this isn’t me saying I think that Dabb’s original finale was full of Destiel love confessions and a homosexual kiss or whatever, but I am asking you all to really think about it and ask yourselves WHY Cas would have been totally cut from an episode he was supposed to be in at LEAST half of? 

We will probably never know the real reason Cas was cut, but he WAS cut. I’m not saying it was all homophobia, but some fuckery went down.

Conspiracy No. 2: The CW Network changed the finale to make it into a Walker promo because they only cared about raising up Jared and not Jensen and Misha as they were losing them anyway.

I don’t agree with this in terms of the finale being butchered solely to make it into a Walker promo. There are however moments in the finale that are clearly supposed to be Walker Easter Eggs and added to excite fans of Jared/Sam in particular such as Sam’s gratuitous and unnecessary topless scene, as well as the call on the “case in Austin”.

I will take this moment to say something pretty damn controversial though.

*Deep breath*

The fact is, Dean Winchester has been the “lead” character of Supernatural’s narrative for years now, with Sam often being sidelined and not given great storylines himself. Even in Season 15, right up until the finale, I myself felt bad for Sam sometimes because so much of this show has become all about Dean. Jensen Ackles is clearly the better actor when it comes to emotional story arcs, so the emotional heart of the story has most often leant on him.

So you can understand my confusion, when this is turned on its head in the final episode, to make Sam carry all the emotional weight, and have the most lines/screentime, and story resolution (even if his story resolution was just as crappy as Dean’s).

If we pretend that Destiel is not a thing, and ignore Cas’s confession, the story change in the finale from Dean focus to Sam focus is still rather suspicious. Again, I’m not saying I completely approve of or agree to the conspiracy theory that Walker influenced the butchering of the script, but I can believe that perhaps a note went down from the CW to someone like Bob Singer, to emphasise Sam/Jared more than they perhaps would normally, because the CW wanted to shine the spotlight on Jared to raise excitement for Walker.

I can also believe this note might have said something like “we wanna cater to fans of Sam/Jared the most - don’t do anything to piss them off.” but now I am getting into my own conspiracy theories so by all means dismiss this as me being bitter.

Conspiracy No.3: Dabb purposely made it bad, as a secret message to Destiel fans that he had been silenced, by layering meta clues into the episode that he knew fans would notice.

I doubt this one is true. Though some of the theories are quite compelling. The old vampire silent movie theory for instance starts off quite well, but loses me the moment it brings up Urban Dictionary slang.

Sometimes I have just had to accept that Supernatural is a bad show that is sometimes accidentally a masterpiece. However, some writers really did go That Deep with their stories - anything by Ben Edlund or Steve Yockey for instance, their episodes are meta masterpieces with a hundred different layers of beautiful subtextual storytelling and are a joy to analyse. Bobo Berens has certainly done some A+++ work especially now we KNOW that he was working hard all this time to bring Destiel to canon text (so any analysis of Destiel in the subtext in his episodes is very accurate). There have been many other key elements analysed over the years which have been confirmed true. Cas’s death in Season 12, Dean’s time as a demon in season 10, Season 11 ending in unity of dark and light, these were all plot points predicted by meta writers just by analysing the narrative. Sometimes the writers really have been very smart and they do add things to the show to aid us in our meta.

Richard Speight Jr for instance, confirmed that SPN has a visual library that the production team use to give clues and hints in the narrative. Pizza, for example, always means a lie has been told. Whenever Pizza is being eaten or even just mentioned on screen, there is dishonesty in that particular moment.

The beers also have a very specific message and the one thing I can’t let go about the finale, was that Dean was drinking El Sol beer. The beer his dad gave him, that was terrible.

El Sol has been used in the show to indicate something being wrong, a fake reality, or another lie, for the longest time. It is the beer of deception.

The fact that in the final episode of this entire show, Dean is in Heaven, supposedly at peace, and then he gets handed an El Sol beer to drink? Thats a HUGE red flag for any meta writer watching who can read SPNs visual library.

If they had given him the Margiekugel beer of family then it would make sense. Dean is in Heaven, with Bobby, his family, at peace. Margiekugel should have been the beer of choice. But nope. El Sol. Something is wrong.

I don’t know if it was Dabb, or Singer, or some disgruntled ADs and crew members who added these elements into the finale, but their very presence confirms some message of Wrongness.

I could go into a huge rant about Vampire Mimes not making sense and the very glaringly obvious symbolism of cutting out peoples tongues too, but that is high school level film analysis. It’s obvious. It means to silence someone. There is validity in interpreting this as Dabb saying he was silenced. I don’t know how true it is, but i can’t 100% dismiss it, because as I said, this is high school analysis levels of obvious subtextual storytelling.

So in summary, whilst I don’t think that Dabb intentionally went out of his way to sabotage his own script, and leave a breadtrail of secret messages for savvy fans to put together to confirm that he was silenced by an evil network into not getting what he wanted... I do think that there is validity in questioning these odd choices for the finale. Cutting out tongues? Vampire Mimes? El Sol beer?

The evidence is somewhat compelling is all I’m saying. I don’t believe the full conspiracy theories, but as I have said many times before, some fuckery went down.

So What Do I Believe?

That some fuckery went down and whatever company line they are pushing is bullshit.

I believe that the original script included Cas (since thats fact). I believe that the original script probably always had Dean dying on a vampire hunt (due to Jensen’s issues with it and in particular, his sarcastic comments about vampires in the past year or so which in hindsight are hilarious and prove he never really came to terms with Dean’s idiotic death). I believe Dabb’s original script was some less crappy version of what we got, which potentially included showing Jack rescuing Cas from the Empty and resolving the outstanding Empty plot points (potentially this was actually a 15x19 plot since Mark P commented that his final scenes were supposed to be with Jack and Cas), had Cas reunite with Dean in Heaven and had them have a discussion about Cas’s confession. I believe that there was probably a lot of back and forth over how to handle that with some people wanting Dean to obviously reciprocate and others believing they should keep it ambiguous. I believe that Dean and Cas would have reunited with Charlie Bradbury, and Bobby Singer, and possibly others (though if this was the case it must have been very early on since no one ever looped in Sam Ferris, Chad Linberg or any other Roadhouse people).

I believe that Sam’s ending probably didn’t change much, but I do feel that initially they were planning on him ending up with Eileen, because it is the only thing that narratively makes sense. Cutting Eileen and giving him a blurry wife is something I won’t ever understand and Jared’s bullshit explanations are quite clearly pulled out of his ass to appease bronly types. I believe the reunion on the bridge would have included Cas and Jack, with a final shot of all four of them together, at peace (as this aligns with Alex’s comments from around a year or so ago that the final shot was all four of them). (I also am not sure it was always supposed to be on a bridge since the foreshadowing in an earlier episode showed Dean, Cas and Sam all in the Roadhouse together).

I believe that script went through countless changes and redrafts, and not even production people or the types that some fandom people claim as their “sources” would even have seen those early scripts, since even Misha never saw it. I believe that these rumours of Dabb never having Cas in his finale and ignoring all Destiel elements likely come from people who only saw later versions, weren’t party to network discussions and felt bitter about the final scripts they did see (being the crappy butchered one that was ultimately filmed). Those “sources” are now spreading rumours to discredit Dabb.

I obviously believe Dabb is a weak ass pushover who either didn’t care enough to fight back, or gave up since he’s been stuck with fucking Bob Singer on his back for years, but I will NEVER believe he didn’t care about the DeanCas love story, because he has been one of the few writers who has championed for it for years. You can’t look back at Dabb’s episodes in earlier seasons and claim he didn’t care. Dabb was a writer whose creative ideas were beaten out of him by an unforgiving Network only concerned about where their future money was coming from. Do I think he gave up too easily? Yes. But I also have one other huge reason for not believing the bullshit about Dabb being this anti-Destiel villain.

Bobo. Because if Bobo truly believed Dabb was gonna fuck that up at the end, I don’t think he would have given us Cas’s love confession to begin with. If he had known it was gonna end like that, I think he would have reconsidered, because had Cas not confessed his love, I don’t think he would have been cut from the finale. Bobo - a gay man, would not have wanted such a horrible message for queer fans being put across in the show he worked so hard on. He started writing that confession scene the day they returned to the writers room. Dabb would have been there, would have seen what he was writing, probably discussed it with him, after all, other episodes were written with the confession in mind. No way was Dabb planning to fuck up the ending knowing what Bobo was giving us. Nope.

Something went very wrong over lockdown. Someone, somewhere up the chain of power caught wind of the confession scene in 15x18, realised that it demanded a resolution which would make Dean Winchester, their protagonist, queer, and pulled the plug. I believe this did not come from a place of homophobia, but of bad business sense.

The CW is constantly trying to win the approval and attention of the one demo group that they seem to fail at getting the most: young straight men. Supernatural was one of their only remaining shows that appeals to young straight men, and Dean Winchester is more often than not the fave character of those young straight men who project onto him. Making Dean Winchester, established Han Solo of Supernatural, queer and in love with his best friend in the finale would have come across as a betrayal to those young straight men. The CW probably feared they would lose that demo group for good, and with a show like Walker starting soon with Jared at the helm, they couldn’t take the risk.

Hence there was probably a whole bunch of back and forth script redrafts with the Network, with Dabb and Singer fighting to make a finale that would appeal to everyone. There was most likely no way that they could bring Cas back without addressing what had already been filmed, because any resolution of that plot would either a. make Dean queer, or b. address it awkwardly by having Dean reject Cas (this storyline would probably have been slammed by critics worse than the finale because it meant addressing it. It might have got the attention of LGBTQ activist groups and caused a bigger shitstorm than what we got). The best option was therefore C. Bury it and Cas, pretend it never happened. Never address it again and distract Dean with other things. Hope that Destiel fans will accept no answer from Dean as ambiguous enough to imagine a future reunion rather than shutting it down with a rejection, and still keep hold of the blissfully ignorant heteronormative straight boys so they can carry over to Walker when it starts.

I also believe (controversially probably) that there was concern that any resolution of Dean and Cas would have overshadowed network darling Jared Padalecki. If Dean and Cas had come together in the finale, with a very clearly textual homosexual reunion, then that would have been all anyone talked about. The reviewers, the critics, the audience, everyone. It would have been nothing but Dean and Cas (and look, if they did think this, they were right, Destiel trending over the US ELECTION.)

So what is the network to do, when they are losing the two stars who would get the most attention from this storyline? The one star they were holding on to and getting his own show, relegated to third place in the finale of the show where he was first on the call sheet? Nope. That’s pretty unacceptable. Even without Walker I can imagine people at all levels side eyeing the Destiel thing over the years. This IS a show about two brothers, and their relationship should be the core relationship, we can’t have one brother pushed aside in the finale to make way for a queer relationship that will get all the attention instead. It was never gonna get approved for this reason ALONE.

At the end of the day, if I look at it from a business perspective, it makes far more sense that the CW shut down Destiel, rather than “oh Dabb never cared and ruined it because he’s an idiot.” The writers cared, and had built on that story over years. But their mistake was leaving any Destiel resolution to the finale. If they had instead gone and got Dean and Cas together in early season 15, then they could have ended it in a way that satisfied everyone. Destiel wouldn’t have threatened pulling focus away from Sam and Dean, and the show could have gone out on a high.

When I lay out all the conspiracy theories, and line them up next to the cold hard facts, the conspiracy theories in some way or another, make more sense. To believe the company line, the narrative we have been fed, is to ignore your own eyes, ears, and memories pre March 2020.

All I’m asking people to do is take a look at the show, the narrative presented in the show, and the information presented above. I’m not telling you to believe what I’ve written here, half of which is just my own opinion. I’m asking you to ask yourselves if it makes sense to you. Because it sure as hell doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied.

#destiel #deancas #supernatural #spn finale conspiracies #fandom conspiracies #anti spn finale #castiel #dean winchester #destiel is canon #and also not canon i guess #forever stuck in a state of almost #schrodingers destiel #the rancid nutwork #anti CW #my opinions #plus a whole bunch of logic #and a refusal to believe blatant lies #meta essay #I wrote this all out in one afternoon #because it got too much for my brain #and i was fed up of all the info going around #and the mockery #reducing destiel shippers once again to deluded teenagers #which we are not #nor have we ever been #anyway i now feel a sense of calm #and peace #and i am going to make some tea

[havin-a-wee]

could u ever do a smutty one where h and y/n had a fling in the best or are just each others occasional hook ups but when h has a date y/n gets like really upset and he finds out so he makes it up to her and confesses his feelings saying stuff like „y're my best girl, y'know that petal?“🥺👉🏻👈🏻 love ur writing beyond words, have an amazing day :))))

Date Night

warnings: unprotected sex

word count: 1.6k

to whoever sent in this ask im so so so sorry it literally took me like two months to answer it i feel so bad but i like how it turned out so i hope this makes up for it!

You shouldn’t be crying. You really shouldn’t. Yet tears are spilling down your face as you break down in choppy sobs, your chest heaving and your cheeks hot.

You have no right to be jealous, and you know that. You and Harry are only friends with benefits, and nothing else. He is allowed to be on a date right now, and it’s not his fault that you’ve managed to fall in love with him throughout the course of your relationship. You met through a mutual friend, began hanging out and then later started hooking up. And while he sees you as his best friend who he just happens to fuck sometimes, you see him as so much more. And you wish that maybe it could be different between you. That maybe he does reciprocate your feelings and if you just told him how you feel he’d tell you he feels the same way.

But as far as you know, there is no chance of that happening. Especially considering the fact that he’s currently at a restaurant with some hot blonde girl he met last week.

Your thoughts are put to a halt when your phone rings, and you pick it up to see none other than Harry himself calling. And as much as you want to decline the call, Harry would never decline yours no matter what, so with a hefty sigh you bring the phone to your ear.

“Hi”

“Hey petal, the date was a bust, all she wanted t’talk about was m’money.” Harry laughs weakly over the phone, and you smile at the news that it didn’t work out. You shouldn’t be happy about it, and it does make you feel guilty because Harry deserves happiness. You just wish he could find that happiness with you.

Lost in your own train of thought, you forget that you’re supposed to be suppressing your tears. Another salty droplet rolls down your cheek and your sniffle.

Suddenly, Harry begins talking again, and that’s when you realize your mistake. “Petal? Y’okay? Sounds like y’crying.” His voice immediately switches from joking to sympathetic and worried, and you can imagine how he looks right now, creased forehead and wide eyes.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine.” You wipe the tear off your cheek with the sleeve of your hoodie, clearing your throat to try and hide the sound of your throat that's sore from crying.

“No y’not y/n, I know what y’crying sounds like. M’already going in the direction of y’house so m’coming over and staying till’ y’tell me what's wrong.”

The tone of his voice tells you there’s no changing his mind, so you sigh and murmur an “okay” before hanging up the phone.

It took about five minutes for Harry to knock on the door. During that time, you went into your bathroom and attempted to hide the red, puffy skin that had overtaken your cheeks. It didn’t really work, and you were still trying to hide it when you heard him knock. So with a disappointed sigh, you slump over to the door and open it.

Harry steps in quickly, placing his coat on a hanger and then turning back to you.

“What’s wrong pet, hmm?” He places his ringed hand on your cheek, thumb running over the skin that's been reddened from your tears.

And despite the years you’ve spent hiding your feelings, despite the hours you’ve had to listen to Harry retell stories about his hookups, despite the yearning you’ve felt for your best friend since you met him, this was your breaking point. Tear after tear after tear. They flow uncontrollably down your face and all you can manage to do is look up at Harry. He pulls you into him, placing one hand behind your head and one around your waist.

And you just cry into Harry’s shoulder.

You don’t know how long you’ve been standing there, but Harry eventually brings you couch, and as soon as he sits you both down you curl up into his warm chest.

“Y’gonna tell me what’s wrong? Y’don’t ‘ave to, just hate seeing yeh cry.”

Finally, you pick up your head from where it’s tucked into his torso.

It might be the daze you’re in from the emotions swirling through your head. It might be the glass of wine you downed earlier to help drown out the feeling of jealousy. It might be all the pent up frustration from years of pining for someone you could never have. Or it might have been none of those things. Whatever it was, there was something inside of you that snapped. Like a damn collapsing and letting the water topple over and flood everything. The barrier you spent so long building broke in two, allowing all of those emotions to spill out.

“I love you Harry.” His eyes snapped open, and his mouth moved to speak, but you cut him off. “And not just as a friend. I’ve always loved you, and I know that if you don’t feel the same way, things will be awkward, but I don’t care anymore. Seeing you excited to go out with another girl hurt, because all I’ve wanted for so long was for that girl to be me.”

He stares at you. There was a second where you debated getting up and running out of the house, afraid of what his response would be. But just before you could put that plan into action, his lips collided with yours.

Your mouth meld perfectly, soft lips biting and nipping at each other. His tongue slips past your parted lips and twirls around your own. You’re breathless by the time he disconnects, the feeling that you had been longing for sent your mind spinning.

“Y’don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to hear that,” he pants, green irises staring deeply into yours. Without another word, you lean in and kiss him again, this time with more vigor than before. Much to your dismay, he separates the two of you again, however he keeps his arms tangled around your body and holds you close.

“Y're my best girl, y'know that petal? None of those silly girls could ever replace you.”

As your lips touch for the third time, it’s clear that both of you have been waiting for this moment for a long time. You savor the feeling, taking short moments to pause and soak in the feeling of his lips on yours.

Slowly, his hand creeps down the small of your back, but you can tell he’s hesitant to move it down further. But you want this, so you remove the hand that’s stroking his hair and place it on his, moving his hand down to your ass manually. He pulls his lips away, looking into your eyes for a sign of confirmation. You realize what he’s looking for, so you nod vigorously in response.

Quickly, he lifts himself off the couch, placing you on your back and positioning himself on top of you.

“H- please, I want you to make love to me,” you whine. His expression fills with hunger and he reaches to unbutton his jeans, shimmying them off quickly and tossing them to the ground. You can see the bulge pressed up against his boxers, and you reach out to palm him through the thin material.

“Fuck petal, y’gonna be the death o’me, y’know that?”

Harry dives into kiss you, using one of his hands to pull down your soft pajama shorts along with your panties. “Harry-”

“I gotchu petal, I gotchu, don’t worry.”

You assist him in pulling off his boxers, his large erection springing out. He’s huge, but you can’t say you didn’t expect it. The precome on his tip is calling for you to lick it, but you just want him to be inside of you, so you make a mental note to do that sometime soon. He grips the base of his cock, lining it up with your entrance. “M’gonna go slow alright?”

You hum your approval, and he responds by pushing the head inside your tight, soaking hole. Even with just an inch inside, you know it’s going to be a stretch, so you take a deep breath and hold onto his shoulders.

Inch by inch, he pushes himself inside of you. Harry stills for a minute, sensing the discomfort in your demeanor. Luckily, it doesn’t take long for the pain to subside and the pleasure to kick in, and soon enough you are moaning out for him to move.

He takes your instructions swiftly, pulling almost all the way out of you until quickly thrusting himself fully back in. “Fuck!”

Your cries are muffled when he leans down to kiss you, his hips continuing to rock as he pushes his length into you.

The air is hot, filled with moans and the smell of sex. You haven’t ever felt this good in your life, especially when he thrusts in extra deep and hits that special spot inside of you. “Harry- god,”

“Sweet girl, am I makin’ yeh feel good?”

“Mhm..”

“Tell me petal, who makes y’feel like this?”

“Harry! Only Harry,”

“Good girl.”

He slams into you, speeding up his thrusts and colliding his hips with yours. Both of you are groaning messes, caught up in the moment and unable to form any coherent sentences. You feel his cock twitch inside of you, and you know you’re close too by the way your stomach and pussy are clenching. He can feel it too, hitting deeper inside of you to bring you to your climax.

“God Y/N, I love you so fuckin much.”

That was all it took for your orgasm to come crashing down, coursing through your body with strength and fervor. The feeling of you squeezing as you came sent Harry over the edge, his milky cum shooting into your pussy and covering the soft walls.

You don’t know if this means you’re dating or not, or where his head is at. All you know is that you love him, and he loves you. And that’s enough for you.

#harry styles smut #harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles blurb #harry styles fic #one direction #harry styles fic rec #harry styles writing #harry styles imagine #harry styles blog #harry styles story #harry styles one shot

[yanderedbdimagines]

Fem survivor hiding in a locker, and Nightmare, Oni and the Shape can’t get in. I once had a bug a long while ago where the killers couldn’t search a locker. Got patched very quickly of course. I’d like to ask short scenarios about it where the Entity protects her for some reason after the killers saw the opportunity to try and kidnap their beloved for themselves. :P Perhaps to spite/punish the killers? Go wild, and thank you!

--------------------------

Sure thing! And no thanks required at all! 😊 I personally would have laughed my butt off if that ever happened to me, whether killer or survivor.  They only game breaking bug I ever had was being stuck on something in Haddonfield(can’t remember what). The killer couldn’t get to me either, and I had to disconnect after I had tried everything I could think of at the time, not wanting to ruin the game for the others. Good times…

-------------------------

The Nightmare

You curse from underneath your gasping breath as a low chuckle reaches your ears, your heart hammering violently against your ribcage as you try to flatten yourself against the backwall of the locker.

He’s seen you get in here, and now you’re about to pay the price if you don’t time the trick Jane has taught you well enough. After all, the others have already been sacrificed, so no one could save you or distract him from the difficult situation you currently find yourself in.

You take a deep, shivery breath and ready yourself just as the killer’s footsteps reach close before trying to slam the doors open as quickly and as powerfully as you can, only for them not to budge in the slightest…

Freddy has heard the distinct thuds of your hands smashing against the wood just as he pulls against the handle, only to have a similar outcome roll out for him too, the sniggering quickly fading into a displeased grunt.

It’s silent for a second…

As you eventually were busy trying to think of another plan when the doors do open, as busy as the Nightmare was trying to pick the lock with a clawed finger. Metal scraping, screeching and ticking against metal brings you on your nerves as you stare at the lock, but you nearly jump out of your skin as the killer suddenly speaks to you with a tone of voice which nearly leaves you shaking in your boots.

“Please doll. It’s rude to stay in there and keep little ol’ Freddy out here waiting.~ Do come out and I’ll promise I’ll be on my best behavior.~”

You hear how he stops rummaging with the lock, listening to the knives running over the chipped paint instead before they tick against the metallic bars making up the outer skeleton of the red locker.

Of course, you’re not convinced.

But you’re not going to tell him that and decide to remain absolutely silent instead, hoping that he’d leave or disappear by some miraculous wonder.

If only it were that easy…

“Come now sweet cheeks.~ Don’t play coy with me. I know you’re still in there and if you don’t open up now I might do something the both of us will regret later. You don’t want that to happen, now do you?”  

You think about it for a second before drawing a conclusion. You’re about to voice that out loud before the ground suddenly gives out from underneath you.

You yelp loudly as you find yourself falling into darkness, an angry yell from the Nightmare being heard from above soon after.

And before you could fully comprehend on what was going on, you found yourself face to face with concerned survivors who found you splayed out besides the main camp’s ever familiar stack of burning wood…

 The Oni

A cold sweat overtakes your senses as you make yourself as small as you possibly could in the corner of the cramped locker and with wide eyes glued on the wooden doors, unblinking.

You don’t know where the other remaining survivor is. They might have escaped, but they also could have been killed or sacrificed at this point. Either way, you’re in heaps of trouble as you feel the vibrations of heavy footsteps marching briskly into your direction.

The locker budges as the Oni tries to tear the door open with his open hand, only to find it to be locked. It surprises the both of you…

Your heart is beating within your throat at this point as you remain to watch the doors like a hawk, not believing what’s happening right now before your thoughts flash over to the Entity, wondering what its intentions with you are.

Anyhow, you try to think of a plan to escape the Oni in case he does somehow manage to tear open the doors, your fingers brushing over the firecrackers that are bundled up in your pants left pocket. The ones you’ve found and picked up somewhere within the trial.

The said killer, on the other hand, is breathing even heavier than before as you hear his katana evaporate within the air as wisps of black smoke and embers before a large shadow peers through the rosters.

You choke on your breath as the Oni tries to pull open the doors through the help of his monstrous strength in addition to his full weight, the locker screeching and groaning in protest. Your attention is partly diverted as a familiar black mist suddenly coats the bottom of the locker before wrapping you into its cold embrace.  

He keeps hanging on whilst shaking violently against the handles, a dark growl shivering the very air.

All you could do was to protect your ears from the loudness of his actions, fear gripping your heart at every clamorous sound and movement.

Yet, you can’t help but to pitch a gasp and a sob as a loud roar now pierces the surrounding area before something huge and bulky is being slammed against the locker’s entirety, feeling the indirect impact of it ripple throughout your frozen body. It is his Kanabo that he’s using out of frustration...

He’s pelting the locker with a barrage of strikes now, the screaming getting louder and louder with each powerful hit.

You close your eyes and shiver violently, scared that the Oni’s about to smash the locker wide open with you still in it.

However, a deafening silence soon overtook you, a heat now washing over your body and an orange light flickering from behind your closed eyelids.

You slowly open them, only to nearly jump up in joy as you come to stare at the flames which could only belong to one particular campfire…

 The Shape

Your body is tormented by sweat and your lungs are burning like crazy as you rush straight into the dungeon’s nearest locker as a suicidal attempt to rid yourself from the man in the mask who’s hot on your trail.

The killer deliberately cornered you into the basement by cutting you off at a spot where you’d least expected him to be. And from there, you pretty much ran on raw panic and unadulterated fear as common sense was long since thrown out of the window as derived by your current course of action.

You’re breathing heavily as an all too familiar mask flashes through the splits of the roster, and close your eyes with a silent prayer falling from your lips and with your hands bawling the hem of your shirt into a tight bundle.

But… Nothing happens as you gradually open your eyes back up to the darkness of the world.

Your gaze is now set on the mask that has tilted to the side, seemingly in confusion. You quickly connected the dots afterwards, understanding that the locker’s suddenly been locked by the Entity for some reason just after you have ran into it.

You then hear his knife thwacking against the paint chipped wood before being recoiled by the effects of the impact.

Did he just try to stab the locker?

You feel your blood run cold as your hands start to tremble, realization kicking in…  

In panic, you quickly hunch down, not wanting to be pierced by the sharp blade if it does manage to thrust its way through one of the doors like some sort of a magician’s sword and possibly ending your life that way as nasty consequence.

Another thwack follows, and then another.

Like a mindless animal stuck in a looped pattern, the Shape keeps on stabbing his favored kitchen knife against the locker over and over again, not even a single huff or growl of frustration being heard. He’s surprisingly silent, in fact, as he’s trying to cut his way into your awkward confinement…

Only short moments of complete silence are woven in between. Perhaps within those moments, he’s checking if the locker’s been unlocked due to his strange efforts.

You move your body into a sitting position, your hands now holding a flashlight as you closely keep your attention on both doors.

Your eyes quickly got diverted, however, as something cold creeps up your legs.

Michael freezes and his head dips the moment he feels something swirl past his ankles, now witnessing how black heavy smoke escapes through the cracks at the bottom of the locker.

He tilts his head yet again before his free hand reaches for the handle, managing to open the door normally this time, only to learn that you’ve disappeared into thin air…

His fingers twitch against the wooden hilt of his weapon…

#dbd #dead by daylight #reader #insert #kazan yamaoka #oni #michael myers #shape #freddy krueger #nightmare #yandere #dbd x reader

[the-weeping-author]

Reacquainted

A/N: hey so this is a AU! Where Eren and the reader are both 18.. so yeah lol I hope this is good.. this is my first fic into the anime fandom, and more importantly my first fic of the AOT fandom so request are open. I have a list of characters I write for so feel free to request I write angst, fluff, and smut.

Taglist: @augustweb @harrystylesupremacy

Warnings: bullying kinda?? cussing, slight angst, SEX!! 18+ quickie, oral , stimulation. Dirty talk, unprotected sex slight choking,

Summary: Y/N and Eren had parted ways as children, one wanted it the other didn't. Y/N's life was just fine until a certian brown haired guy showed up at scouts one day. Will Y/N and Eren make up?

Word count: 5,728

Enjoy 😊

Eren and I had been friends since I could remember, we were close growing up. Eren and I were as thick as thieves, but slowly over time there became a HUGE disconnection between us. I never understood when or why it had happened, but it did and it put a strain on Eren and I. It hurt more than anything, our families had always been close, but maybe that was our downfall. We had always spent summers together at the lake house.

The lake house was just 30 minutes away from the wall, and Eren and I would always ask why Titans never showed up like they did around the walls. Our parents never told us, but my father always brushed me off, and told me I wasn't old enough. I never understood what he meant until that day 9 years ago, back then I had everything.. a family, a home, friends, comfort. Now I have nothing, I was truly alone. I knew what my father was talking about now. To be a warrior you would have to be willing to sacrifice everything, and guess what? That's exactly what I did, that's what made me lose everything including Eren.

Losing everything wasn't what I wanted, but who did? I was foolish back then. I was childish and gullible about the real world, I never knew how cruel and cold the world was until the wall came down for a second time 4 years after the first. Eren leaving my life was what finally did it for me, and I thought there was no escaping the cold dark thing that I called my soul. No one was let in. It was like the whole world around me stopped, and I started to distance myself more and more from everyone.

It wasn't until I decided to join the scouts that I felt alive again, just going out and taking all the built up frustrations out on the Titans. After all, they are the reason why I am the way I am. Tell me who wouldn't feel the way I do after they lost everything then on top of that to get stabbed in the back by someone who claims to be your best friend. Eren and I had stopped talking around three years ago, and honestly it's not gonna change anytime soon.

I'll never forget the day Eren told me he didn't want to be friends anymore. In fact I'd never forget that day for as long as I lived, the day had started sunny and beautiful. The sun was warm dancing across the city, the wind was blowing just enough to send a nice calming breeze through the hot summer Hills. The birds had sung happily that morning, the air had finally felt lighter. For once everything felt… Okay, but there was no telling how long that would last.

~FlashBack~

"Y/N… why are you always so hopeful?"

I turned my head to Eren, my green eyes Shining in his gray ones. I smiled softly before he intertwined our fingers together, I laid my head on his shoulder. I Felt his toned body tense under my simple movement, and I hummed softly looking out upon the town of Shiganshina. I thought it over for a brief moment before I let out a breath answering softly.

"Well Eren, I believe that if we succumb to the horrors of life we fail not only as warriors, but as humans too. I'll never succumb to the enemy or anyone for that matter."

The few minutes of silence made me lift my head off his shoulder, and look at him. His face was unreadable, and it threw me off. Did he have this expression the whole time? Why ask a question if you were just gonna ignore it? Before my mind could go any further into the negative thoughts Eren's voice pulled me from my thoughts making me let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in.

"Y/N.. we can't do this anymore."

I looked at him, my eyes quickly searched his face for more indication of what he meant. I watched his jaw clench before he unclenched it. His hand slowly slid out my hand, he pulled it back into his lap leaving my hand alone. My stomach flipped, and immediately it locked up making my stomach twist making me nauseous.

"W-what do you mean Eren?"

His gray eyes finally locked with my green ones, and he stood up turning his back towards me before walking away. I quickly stood up, and followed after him.

"Can't do what anymore? Eren answer me!"

He stopped in his tracks, and he stood up, turning away from me. He dusted off his hands as he started walking away from me. I stood, and I clenched my fist squeezing my eyes shut as tears threatened to spill from my eyes. I felt my heart pound against my ribcage, and my lip started to quiver. When I opened my eyes my sight was hazy from the tears getting closer, and closer to breaking the dam.

Eren let out a breath, and he looked up at the sky. The grey clouds hid what was left of the beautiful blue sky. I knew his next words were gonna change the rest of my life, I stared at the brown locks covering his head. Before I knew it tears were sliding down my face, after a few silent sobs I wiped my nose sniffling a bit. Immediately I regretted it. Eren looked over his shoulder looking at me, and when his suspicions were confirmed he let out a "Tsk." He took in a breath before looking away from me.

"I can't be your friend anymore, don't try to change my mind because it's already made up. I don't need you around, you're too gullible to have around, you'll just get yourself killed after all… you're weak."

My eyes widened, and I dropped to my knees, balling my fist sitting them in my lap. I felt a few cold drops fall onto my thighs, and I looked up at the gray sky. A few cold rain drops dripped on my burning face as the realization hit me, I was alone. I let out a gut wrenching scream as Eren disappeared out of my life.. forever. I hunched over, and I let the once quiet sobs out my body, Jolting forward as each sob broke through me.

"Why me, I'm only 10 years old, why am I alone? Doesn't anyone love me?"

~End Of FlashBack~

I was walking down the street to a small building where the scouts would change, I walked into the Women's side and quickly put my training uniform on. I looked at the clock on the wall, and my eyes widened. The clock read 5:50 am.. shit If I didn't leave right now I'd be five minutes late, and Captain Levi hands out extra punishment to those who are late. It had been two years since I've joined, and I hadn't been late this far and I definitely didn't plan to start now.

I rushed out of the building, and when the wind hit my face I immediately started running. Two years on and off the field, and I didn't want to stop training. I was always quick to learn new moves, or get better at hand to hand combat. When I finally reached the field I stopped to take big breaths, and a voice caught my attention making my blood run cold. He couldn't be here... of all days why today, why me? My green eyes quickly found the voice that made my heart drop to my feet.

Eren Yeager.. my Ex best friend, the anchor that once held my body firm in the ocean unscathed by the violent waves. My eyes started to burn, and my throat started getting itchy. His gray eyes met with mine, and when Mikasa, Armin, and Levi turned towards me I quickly turned my head, and rushed the opposite way. My wrist was grabbed by someone, and my head shot up to meet Hanji''s gaze, concern sketched onto Their face.

"Y/L/N are you alright?"

I nodded my head, and I mustered up the best smile I could give them at the moment. I parted my lips softly before taking in a breath before letting it out.

"Yes Hanji I'm fine, thank you for asking."

They smiled at me before intertwining their arm with mine, and before I knew it we were walking towards the little group.. including Eren immediately I stopped in my tracks making them get pulled backwards towards me a bit at the sudden lack of movement. When Hanji turned their head to look at me, confusion was written all over their face. They followed my eyes as I glanced at Eren, and they let out a knowing oooh.

"I see now Y/L/N, your disturbance is between you and Mister Yeager. Am I correct?"

Before I could say anything they quickly cut me off their eyes shined at me softly before their lips turned upwards into a smile.

"Ah well whatever is going on you can't let it affect

you to the point where you can't be there for your team. That will only get them and you killed, so please for our sake along with yours please handle this however hard it may be. After all, what would I do if my favorite scout got killed?"

I listened to Hanji intently. I knew I couldn't face him, but Hanji had a point. This "issue" could jeopardize the safety of not only myself, but others and I wouldn't be the reason hundreds of us got killed. How could I approach Eren? Why would I? Would he even talk to me? Hanji''s voice pulled me from the depths of my own hectic thoughts. I'd have to thank them later in the mess hall, but I did plan to talk to Eren.. just not today.

The day of training was spent avoiding Mikasa, Armin, but especially Eren. A part of me envied two of the three of the trio, I was currently sparring with a new scout. My eyes looked towards Eren every once in a while, but this time it got the best of me. As soon as Eren lifted one of the trainees off the ground making his firm muscles flex. I can't help but wonder how-... I was instantly pulled from my thoughts by a fist meeting with my face.

I fell against the dirt of the huge field, I held the side of my face shaking the hit off. When I raised my head a bit I saw a few people looking over at us, Eren included. A slight smirk was on his face as his peers looked on, and I felt my blood instantly boil. I wanted to go over there, and wipe that eat shit smirk off his face. The person I was training with held their hand out to me, and I instinctively slapped his hand away. I stood up, and I dusted myself off getting into a strong sturdy stance. Of course instinctively it was the one Eren had taught me when we were kids.

Training had ended, and I couldn't be happier. My body ached, and when I showered the hot water helped ease my aching bones. Once I changed back into my regular clothes I walked into the mess hall, once I got my dinner I sat at a table alone. I started eating until I felt eyes on me, and with a quick flash I noticed Eren walking my way out the corner of my eye. I gulped, and I gripped my cup tightly. As he got closer and closer my heart thumped harder, and harder.

Mikasa, and Armin were across the mess hall watching Eren get closer. I prayed to whatever was up there he wouldn't be coming to talk to me. That it was just exhaustion altering my mind, however I was quickly mistaken when he sat right in front of me. His Gray eyes stared into mine calmly. We just stared at each other not knowing what to say, he was basically a stranger to me. He wasn't my Eren Yeager anymore, and I didn't know where to begin to search for him.

"Hey Rosie."

My stomach dropped hearing him use the nickname he used to call me. The butterflies in my heart almost gave in, and acted like nothing happened. It had though, he abandoned me like I was a nobody to him. Rosie came from my feelings towards him, every little thing he did made me blush, or get flushed. I always disliked blushing until he called me that nickname. I used to love it, but now resentment constantly burns through my veins.

"You don't get to call me that anymore."

The smirk that was once on his face faltered a bit, and he just stared at me. Neither one of us spoke, the air was thick with tension. He looked as cute as I remembered he did, his eyes still the color of the sky on a rainy day. His lips still looked as soft as ever, he looked exactly the same, but older. My Stomach turned with every glance I took at him. My thoughts were all over the place, why here? Why now? Is he gonna hurt me just like he did back then? What if he did still care about me?

"No Remember Y/N he's not your Eren anymore you don't know him, he never cared about you. He never will, he doesn't-."

As my thoughts swirled through my head like a tornado on a dark spring evening. I felt my face get warm, and my bottom lip started to tremble softly as tears stung my eyes. His deep intoxicating voice pulled me from my overbearing thoughts, he whispered across the table to keep some sort of privacy between us, his lips parted softly.

"Oh? Well why is that?"

His warm voice pushed any decent thought away, he sounded so stupid.. Why is that? Are you serious? He has to be joking right? I licked my lips before I squeezed my thigh softly. Once I cooled off some I cleared my throat, my back straightened in the chair. I wasn't gonna play his game, not now, not ever his game of cat and mouse was over. I was no longer gonna let Eren Yeager hurt me the way he had.

"You know exactly why Eren Yeager, if you want to talk to me about why you haven't talked to me in years please refrain from playing stupid. It doesn't fit you."

I grabbed my tray, and I stood from the table walking away from the table but more importantly I walked away from him. It felt good to walk away from him, but unfortunately I knew we'd have to talk sooner or later. Mikasa, and Armin both smiled at me softly. I nodded my head at them both before I kept walking, leaving everyone in the mess hall behind me. Little did I know a plan was getting made while I slept the night away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up to the birds singing, and I smiled to myself before throwing the covers off of me. I got ready for the day taking care of my morning duties. Once I finished breakfast I brushed my teeth, and after I was done I grabbed the mouthwash, swished it around my mouth and spit it in the sink. I braided my hair while I walked down the hallway, I stopped when I heard Captain Levi's voice.

"I'll let her know when I see her, for now go to the field I'll see you out there."

I heard footsteps get further, and further away until I couldn't hear them anymore. Once I knew for sure the conversation was over I stepped out walking around the corner seeing Captain Levi standing there, and I smiled softly walking up to him.

"Morning Captain."

He raised his head, and turned towards me. The blank expression on his face as he nodded his head at me his raven hair moved at his simple movements.

"Morning Y/L/N I was just about to come looking for you."

My smile faltered a bit at his words, and I tensed up a bit remembering the conversation I eavesdropped on. My heart dropped a bit, and my hands started to get clammy. I pushed the smile back onto my face, and I started to play with the end of my shirt.

"Well here I am sir, what's on your mind?"

He let out a breath, and he rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. My heart almost stopped, Levi was never one to express himself no matter the situation. So to say I was nervous was an understatement, I'm sure Captain Levi could hear my heart hammer against my ribcage. I took a soft deep breath preparing myself for whatever he had to say.

"Well Y/L/N I've heard from a few of your comrades that you've been working hard, and you've taken some of the discipline I've given them.. is that true?"

My blood ran cold, I knew he was about to give me kitchen duty, or worse he was gonna make me clean the rooms again. I immediately deflated at his words, I was ready to take whatever he was gonna give me.

"Well Y/L/N as much as I am displeased by your actions, the same comrades offered to take your punishment In return for you having the day off from training so go knock yourself out."

My mouth dropped open at his new claim, my eyes scanned across his face to try and see if he was lying, which I already knew the answer to. I closed my mouth, and I licked my lips letting the moisture circulate in my mouth. My eyes looked back to him, and I smiled softly at him looking into his gray eyes.

"T-thank you Captain, I uhh really appreciate it. If you don't mind me asking who exactly told you about what I did?"

His eyes looked back into mine, and he let out a huff. This is the most I've heard him talk, except for when he's with Erwin in the mess hall or barking orders at us. Other than that it was silence, but I had to know who exactly got themselves in trouble for me.

"Well I probably shouldn't tell you, bit Armin, Connie, Jean, Sasha, and Eren."

My stomach twisted at him mentioning Eren, and my smile faltered just for a split second. Levi definitely noticed, and I knew he was gonna pry. I didn't want him to, but he's my Captain and I can't lie to him. Even if I did he'd see right through it, and I wasn't gonna let that happen at all. I'd have to run laps, clean, dishes, clean oh and did I mention CLEAN!? don't get me wrong, I loved cleaning, but not after a bunch of slobs.

"Oh well thank you for letting me know Levi, thank you oh and tell them I said thank you too."

Levi did a double take when I didn't say anything else. He looked normal, but I could tell there were a few things he had to say. I went to turn back around to get ready to go into town, but his voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Oh by the way Y/L/N… you need to deal with whatever you're dealing with, and I can tell you've been distracted lately."

I turned my head to face him, and I nodded my head at him. When he started walking the other way I did the same, when I reached my room I changed into a pastel pink summer dress. I let my hair down, and I brushed it out slipping on a pair of my black flats walking out of my room. When I reached outside the warm sun kissed my skin, and I closed my eyes for a moment humming softly.

I said hello to the scouts that passed me on my way by, I hummed a little tune as I walked. I felt eyes on my body, and I stopped midwalk looking around trying to find who was looking at me. When I didn't see anyone I just shrugged it off before I continued to walk. It wasn't until I got to a secluded area that I felt eyes on me again, and this time I stopped completely, my arms crossed over my chest.

"Okay whoever is following me, come out you're starting to annoy me."

As soon as the last word left my mouth I heard footsteps, I turned around, and my breath hitched seeing Eren come out from behind a wall. My lips parted, and I put my hand up stopping him in his tracks.

"Don't you dare come any closer Eren or I'll drop you where you stand."

A look flashed across his face I didn't recognize, and he smiled softly at me before he got closer to me.

"Oh Rosie, you still have such a temper, I thought you were gonna drop me?"

My mouth opened and closed every few seconds searching for something to say, when my hand pressed against his toned chest. A pink tint crossed my cheeks, and I let out a huff seeing his face. Anger quickly flows through me all over again before I just let my top blow.

"Eren, who do you think you are? You can't just say what you said, and then years later just come waltzing back in my life wanting me to act like nothing happened cause it definitely did."

His eyes narrowed a bit, and I saw the side of his mouth twitch. I could tell he was mad, the sudden urge to slap him was eager in my mind. I quickly swallowed that urge, and I decided to let him defend himself If he planned on it. The Eren I once knew was warm, sweet the list goes on, but the new Eren was a huge ass.

"Y/N it wasn't like that, I was only trying to protect you."

"Protect me? Eren you hurt me, you've been a dickasaurus rex."

His eyes widened at the new nickname, and before I knew it he was dragging me along with him. I tried to get out of his grasp, but unfortunately it wasn't working so I just walked quickly with him. We walked down a hallway taking two lefts and a right, and when he opened the room door I looked around the hallway noticing we were alone. When he pulled me into the room I quickly turned around, and tried to escape.

"Y/N I know I hurt you, but I thought I was doing what was best for the both of us. I know you hate me, but please just forgive me. I've wanted to reach out, but I never knew how I was afraid you wouldn't talk to me."

He pulled me back around to face him, and my heart softened at his words, but I couldn't just forgive him could I? He hurt me, and I wouldn't let him do it again. I refused to be his fool or anyone's fool again, I tried to repair myself over the past few years, and I wouldn't let Eren break down what I accomplished.

"Eren you told me and I quote. "you didn't need me around, I was too gullible to have around, I'd just get Myself killed after all… I'm weak" you know that stayed with me for a long time, but I joined the scouts instead of listening to you. I'm glad I did because I proved to you, foe's, and anyone who doubted me that I am strong, and that I could save myself if needed. So my question to Eren is if I'm so weak and we weren't good friends why have you been trying to get me to talk to you?"

Eren didn't reply for a few seconds, his mouth opened and closed just like mine did earlier. Now it was my turn to do the smirking, I knew I was fueling his fire, but I didn't care. It felt great to finally tell him how I felt and just get it off my chest. Before he could say anything I turned back towards the door, and started walking towards it.

"Eren I'll see ya around, I'm not wasting anymore of my -."

Before I could get the rest of my sentence out he was pulling me back towards him, and as soon as I faced him our lips met. It woke every part of my body up, and I was just frozen to the ground. It wasn't until he pushed me back against the wall that it registered within me what exactly was going on. My body ached for Eren, and I didn't know it until this moment. The way his lips fit against mine, or the way his rough hands moved against my soft skin.

My hands went to his pants undoing the button, and I pulled down his zipper. I let my warm fingers curve into his pants before yanking them down, and his boxers were quickly following his pants stopping around his ankles. I bunched his shirt in my hands, and I flipped us his back smacked against the wall as I pushed him against it. I dropped to my knees, and I looked up at him waiting for his permission. He let out a soft grunt, and I looked up at him, and my breath was caught once again.

Anger was slightly evident in his eyes, but his pupils were blown with lust. I hummed softly at his reaction to the cold wall making me smirk again so I decided to tease him a little bit.

"Awee what's wrong? Did little Rosie hit a nerve?"

I let out a knowing giggle, and before he could respond I was taking his hardening cock into my mouth. I moved my head softly back and forth around Eren making his hand instinctively go into my long H/C locks. I opened my eyes feeling the sentimental contact, and when I looked up it made the knots in my stomach twist tighter. The way his eyebrows furrowed in concentration, and the way his bottom lip tucked tightly between his top and bottom teeth just made my thoughts fuzzy.

Hollowing my cheeks around him made his grip in my hair grow tighter, and each time I moved my head forward his his jolted to meet my face. His now hard cock roughly grazed the back of my throat making my eyes squeeze shut, when my lips met the base of his manhood he used the hand that held onto my hair in place. I let my hands softly graze his thighs until I needed air, and when the time came I gave both of them a firm squeeze.

When he let my head go I quickly pulled back gasping for air, only a moment passed before he was burying his cock back into my willing mouth. when he slid back into my mouth something changed him, and I definitely wasn't complaining after all I wasn't glass. I used my pointer, and middle finger to tap his bare thigh softly before I tightened my mouth around him, feeling his hard throbbing cock against my swollen plump lips. The arousal pooling between my legs proved how much I wanted- (more like needed) him at this moment.

I wanted Eren so bad there was no denying it, in fact I'd be a fool if I denied it. Anyone could tell I was head over heels for the boy I grew up with regardless if he knew it or not. I wanted this just as much as he did, but we were both too stubborn to admit it on our own Accord. I knew this was bound to happen at some point. Some people call it fate, I call it intuition. The way his breath got heavy when I swirled my tongue around the tip of his member just made me want to do more.

Our eyes stayed locked together even as I teasingly moved my head back and forth sliding my wet lips down his member, and when I got half way down I moved my head back letting just the tip of his cock rest in my mouth. I sucked softly on it at first letting him catch his breath, and one look up at him was all it took for me to know he was holding himself back. The look of hesitation was very evident in his eyes, when I let the tip of his cock slide out of my mouth I heard him groan out of annoyance.

"W-wha- Why did you stop?"

I looked up at him humming softly before I kissed his swollen tip, making his breath falter as the taste of precum spread across my lips dancing onto my taste buds.

" I still dislike you, but Stop holding back Eren, I want this just as much as you do."

He nodded his head, and he grabbed my H/C hair wrapping it around his fist before he started jolting his hips back and forth into my mouth. The lewd wet noises leaving my mouth were enough to get a response from Eren.

"S-shut u-up you make it very hard to concentrate, and that's not a complete compliment."

I pinched his thigh softly at his smart remark, and before I could reply he shoved his hard cock into my mouth immediately burying it in the back of my throat making me Gag almost instantly. I slid my hands back on his thighs, and I squeezed my eyes shut moaning loudly defining vibrations around his throbbing member.

"S-sorry, but ugh. Couldn't let you think you had control."

After a few moments passed he let my head slide half way off his throbbing cock before he pushed it back down to the base of him. After a few moments the actions repeated, and at this point tears started pooling at the corners of my eyes. When he let his cock slid out of my mouth it twitched as the cool air hit his warm salivated cock.

"Get up."

Before I could get up his arm was wrapping around my arm yanking me up. Before I could get my balance I was being shoved against the wall, and he fumbled with the button of my pants undoing them. His fingers pulled my zipper down, and with one swift movement my pants and panties were on the floor. The breeze from his quick moments brushed against my wet arousal making me shudder softly against the cool wall, my perky nipples brushed against the concrete wall making me moan softly.

"E-Eren.."

"Spread your legs."

My mind wanted to tell him to fuck off, but my body reacted before I could get myself together. Before I knew it I was spreading my legs for him.. exactly as I was told.. thanks alot to whoever was watching, I hope you're happy. The feeling of the tip of his cocl rubbing against my soaked folds made me roll my hips against him sliding my folds back and forth on him, the way he sounded when he groaned was intoxicating itself.

When he pushed himself into me it was like striking a match, every inch of my body was on fire, and I didn't want it to be extinguished. I immediately squeezed his hard cock, and as it stretched me out I felt it twitch and throb as it went further and further into me. I let my head slide back against his shoulder as he started thrusting softly into me, his pace wasn't enough to cause any discomfort, but it surely got me used to taking him the more he thrusted into me.

The sound of our skin connecting, and our lewd noises echoed in the room. Little drops of sweat broke out across my forehead as he pulled himself halfway out, and rammed himself deeper into me hitting my g-spot. I arched my back into him making his cock hit at a better angle, the tip of his cock raked across my g-spot with each thrust making me squeeze his hard shaft. The knots in my stomach started making itself more evident, and my breath picked up.

His hand snaked around my hip softly going to my clit, and when his hand pressed against it I moaned against the wall the vibrations made my little tickle. I bit my bottom lip softly letting out a whimper, and his lips pressed against the top of my ear. His tongue slid across the warm skin, and when his teeth sunk into my sensitive skin I let out another louder moan. His hips snapped against my ass making the sound bounce louder off the walls, each time his cock raked against my g-spot I felt myself getting closer and closer.

I felt my walls flutter around him, his break brushed against my wet skin making goosebumps dance across my skin as his voice softly whispered in my ear.

"You can cum If you want Rosie."

Hearing his words were enough to make my orgasm crash over me, but the use of my childhood nickname gave it more of a surreal feeling. Little white stars blurred my vision, and when I closed my eyes they seemed to multiply. I rolled my hips on him as I rode out my orgasm, and I soon felt his warm seed go onto my back. As he rode out his orgasm he fell against my back his heart pounding against my back.

His breath was heavy, and he kissed my shoulder softly moving up my neck. I let out a huff, as much as I'd like to pretend everything was okay I just couldn't. Just because we had sex doesn't mean that I forgave him, and he knew it. I may have given in this once, but I already made my mind up. As much as I loved Eren Yeager for now we were just acquaintances who just so happened to get reacquainted with each other.

When he nuzzled against my jaw my eyes moved to the corner of my eyes so I could look at him, and when I did my breath hitched. His grey eyes were soft, and his smile was warm.

"Rosie.. I've missed you, and I'm so sorry, please forgive me."

I looked at him, and I hummed kissing the top of his damp head before moving my head away, closing my eyes letting out a soft breath.

"I've missed you too Eren, and don't worry it's gonna be okay one day."

A/N: thank you so much for reading!! I appreciate it alot, and thank you for the support it means the world to me!! I do birthday request fics so if you have a birthday coming up I worth for Levi Ackerman, Eren Yeager, and Steve Harrington for now!! I hoped you guys liked it mores on the way.

#eren yaeger imagine #attack on titan smut #eren yaeger x y/n #eren yeager smut #attack on titan #eren yeager angst #Destiny's anime fics

[marie-in-the-hallway]

Watermelon Sugar pt 1

wc: 2.3k

warnings: minor sexual content, swearing

...

Jenna doesn't know how her life came to be like this.

She was a good person; she had partied hard in uni, yes, but she studied hard enough to make up for it. She's nice enough to leave at least a twenty percent tip every time she gets the check, and certainly nice enough to drop coins in the tip jars of the baristas who make her coffee. She calls her mum a lot and she loves her sisters and she takes good care of her plant, a cactus she'd named Steve. She’s hilarious and witty, her friends love her, and she makes a decent enough living.

So it doesn't explain why she's lying on the floor, with Harry Styles, of all people, planking on top of her.

As in, seventeenth most influential person in London, pop-star-turned-rock-star Harry Styles. The same Harry Styles who has had countless model girlfriends, left, right and centre. One right now, in fact: Camille Rowe.  Also  the same Harry Styles who has been the subject of Jenna’s sex dreams since she was about eighteen.

(What can she say, she's consistent. The kid might change her look every few years but the libido wants what it wants. Or something.)

Anyway, the point is that, currently, Jenna is looking straight into Harry's gorgeous green eyes and she can feel the heat of Harry's body radiating onto hers. She can also feel one of Harry's soft curls brushing against her forehead, and she knows that if she looked down, she'd see Harry's pink lips, quirked amusedly, like Jenna is something of a particularly endearing animal.

In summary, Harry looks like something straight out of Jenna’s masterbating vault, and Jenna is especially thankful at this moment that she does not have a cock because it would be hard as a rod at this very moment. 

"Do you, uh, work out a lot?" She blurts out, her mouth temporarily disconnecting from her brain, and she watches as Harry blinks, his long lashes brushing the tops of her cheekbones.

There's a pause, and then she hears a snort.

"Is this a dating show, mate?" Nick Grimshaw, the twat, says, half-laughing from his seat at the radio console. He raises his voice in a poor imitation of Jenna, stuttering out a ‘do you, uh, work out a lot’ in between his giggles.

Jenna turns her head to look at him and scowls. "Shut up," she says, trying to ignore the cute way Harry is giggling on top of her. It doesn't really work, but at least she tried.

Nick raises his hands defensively. "Hey, I'm bringing us back on track. You're supposed to be asking him questions about his new album, not asking him if he works out. You're tiring out the little pop star there."

"Nah," Jenna hears Harry's low voice drawl from above her, and she turns her attention back to the hot boy on top of him. "`m not tired yet. Besides, I'm kind of enjoying the view." He shoots Jenna a cheeky wink, and Jenna feels her face flush.

"Okay," she says loudly, mostly for the benefit of herself. She vaguely wonders how red she looks on camera, and whether or not she can get the ground to swallow her whole right about now. Maybe she should retire after this. Radio 1 would just have to look for another person who won't choke in the vicinity of Nick's hairspray fumes.

Every day at one to four pm, Nick and Jenna host "The Future is Now", a radio programme where they play music, talk about celebrity gossip and tease each other. It's supposedly nothing special, just two childhood friends making fun of each other and making fun of celebrities and their drama and occasionally talking about football, but apparently their banter has made it the most popular rated programme on BBC Radio 1. So popular that a few months ago, their producer sat them down and told them to "come up with more shenanigans", an order Jenna was happy to comply with. Her and Nick have then proceeded to do almost everything, from innuendo bingo with a twist to organizing a huge water fight in Radio 1.

Their latest shenanigan is interviewing their celebrity guests in the weirdest way they can, and last time Nick had interviewed Taylor Swift through trying to interpret her answers through drawing. It was massively funny, a huge failure, and also very exhausting, according to Nick, because who knew that Taylor was such a terrible artist?

Which is also why it's Jenna’s turn to do the interviewing this time.

However, she's ninety-nine point nine percent sure that Nick did this on purpose. Drunk Jenna might have let it slip a few weeks back that she has a not-so-small crush on a certain very famous Harry Styles, and Nick, because he was apparently close friends with Harry, invited him to plank over Jenna.

Jenna’s going to light a match near his hair and watch his twatty quiff burn down.

"Okay," Jenna says again, because no matter how much she wants to go back in time and ensure Nick was never born, Harry Styles with his hair and his dimples is still above her, smiling like it takes no effort to plank like this at all. He's the most attractive man Jenna has ever seen in her entire life. "We're going to have a quickie--" and she resolutely ignores Nick's sniggers from the console and the way his face heats up, "--which is like a lightning round of questions, until you feel you need to lower yourself down or until the timer runs out. Alright?"

Harry nods at her, grinning even wider, and Jenna decides to pin her focus on Harry's left dimple so as not to be distracted by the rest of his face.

"Nachos or Tacos?" She asks, starting the game immediately.

"Tacos."

"Red or Blue?"

"Blue."

"Favorite emoji to use in a text message?"

"The tongue and the peach." Jenna ignores the almost-obscene way Harry says it. She also ignores Nick's snorts from the table. She can do this. She just needs to ignore the way she’s wet from this small interaction and get this done like the professional she is, before she can go home and masterbate herself away to oblivion.

 "Favorite song from your new album?"

"Um," Harry says, and Jenna feels his forearms shift from where it's beside her head. "Watermelon Sugar?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" Jenna asks Harry's left dimple. See, she can be normal.

"Watermelon Sugar." Harry repeats, much firmer. "It's about oral sex."

Jenna’s eyes fly off Harry's left dimple and into his eyes. "I don't think you can say that on radio."

Harry just shrugs, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. "Sorry."

"Cheeky," Jenna mutters, before plunging on. "Most important feature of your ideal girlfriend?"

"I don't know if I can say it on radio," Harry shoots back almost immediately, his smile widening.

Somewhere from his place on the radio console, Nick cackles. Jenna hopes he chokes on his own saliva.

"Something radio friendly, then," Jenna answers, keeping her voice level.

"Well," Harry drawls out, seemingly lost in thought, "I'm much more of a bum kind of guy," and Nick's cackles get louder and louder. "I like a nice, firm, handful of bum. But if it has to be radio friendly, maybe the smile."

"I'm going to get suspended because of you," Jenna deadpans.

"`s the truth." Harry smiles innocently. He shifts on his forearms again, and his long curl brushes over Jenna’s eye. His cross necklace also falls out of his shirt, brushing against the hollow of Jenna’s throat.  "Do you like bums, Jenna?"

"I like mums? I like my mum," Jenna says absently, half blinded by Harry's curl. She feels more than hears Harry laugh from above her, his abs quivering from above her body. Which, hey. Why is Harry laughing at her? She’s just trying to keep this show together, for the sake of her job and her listeners and because Nick is a useless idiot.

She clears her throat. "Ideal date?" She asks, blinking her eye against Harry's rogue curl. She focuses on it, tries to get it off her eye with just the power of her blinks and her eye lid muscles. It doesn't really work.

Harry wiggles his eyebrows above her, and Jenna feels a slight sense of dread settle against him.

"A walk on the beach, then a candlelit dinner, then back to my place--"

"Favorite hobby?" Jenna interrupts, because she cannot do this. She can't. She’s two innuendos away from being soaked through her pants, and she’s positive there will be a wet spot if Harry continues to imply vaguely sexual things.

"I like to bake," Harry answers easily, as if he wasn't on the verge of saying obscene things a few seconds before. Jenna hates him. Jenna also kind of wants to suck his dick.

"Last thing that made you cry?"

"Um," Harry furrows his brow and bites at his bottom lip. Jenna can't stop staring. "I...fell?"

"Fell where?" Jenna asks.

"I was getting out of the shower," Harry answers slowly, still seeming deep in thought. Jenna tries not to imagine a naked Harry, with little droplets sliding down his skin. She mostly fails. "Then I, like, slipped and fell. There were a few tears."

Jenna makes a noise of sympathy, her eyes glued to Harry's lips. "What did you hurt?"

"My bum."

That makes Jenna tear her eyes away from Harry's lips and into his green eyes, which are already shining with mirth. "What is it with you and bums?"

"I told you, I'm a bum man." Harry winks. He shifts on his forearms, and Jenna realizes that the planking must already be taking a toll on him. He doesn't seem close to giving up though, and Jenna admires his determination. Her sex drive admires the rippling of the muscles in Harry's forearms and the strength of his core.

"You seem to be a little bum crazy to me."

"Heyyy," Harry says, a cute little pout making its way onto his face. "Only for certain bums. The nice ones."

Jenna doesn't answer. "Favorite app on your phone?"

"Instagram."

"Last photo you took?"

"It was, like, a photo of my sister's dog in, um, space buns."

"Space bums, nice," Jenna says, because she can. She might get suspended from radio for a few days, but she's already aroused on camera and they've been talking bums since a while ago, so.

"Yep," Harry says, playing along. "They were out of this world."

Jenna opens her mouth to ask another question when her phone starts ringing, signalling the end of their quickie. Harry unceremoniously drops himself down, his entire body now in contact with Jenna’s own. Jenna can feel her skin heat up from where Harry's touching her, their entire lower half aligned. She shifts in surprise, discovering Harry’s (not so) little problem, so Jenna just. Speaks.

“Did you know the average whale penis is ten feet long?” 

She wonders if she can probably retire gracefully and run away to Guam.

Nick is still cackling like a madman but ten times harder. Jenna doesn't think he's even stopped to take a breath since he started.

Good, she thinks viciously. Maybe he'll run out of oxygen.

"I did not," she hears Harry whisper to her, his voice almost drowned out by Nick's laughter.

"Fuck," Jenna whispers, without opening her eyes. "Leave me here to die." She can't believe she ended up here, embarrassed and horny in front of the guy she's been wanking to since she was eighteen. She doesn't think life can get much worse than this.

"It's okay, you know, I blurt out things all the time" Harry whispers, his breath ghosting over Jenna’s face. "Also, you're not allowed to say ‘cock’ on radio."

Oh, so now he's concerned about radio content. What is Harry Styles.

"Please do not try to make me feel better about this," Jenna says through her teeth, ignoring his second statement. They're going to get taken off air because of this interview, anyway. She raises an arm to cover her eyes. "Just....ignore it. Please."

Harry, because he's nice, doesn't say anything anymore, instead pulls himself off of Jenna, so that he's sitting on his knees beside Jenna on the carpeted floor. Jenna takes three deep breaths before she opens her eyes, sits up, and runs to the radio console, where Nick is still cackling obnoxiously. She lets Nick take care of the goodbyes, shakes Harry's hand once and refuses to meet his eyes, and doesn't say anything until Harry has left the room and Watermelon Sugar is playing on air.

"So?" Nick hedges, nudging Louis with an elbow. "That was fun right?"

"I'm going to murder you in your sleep," Jenna answers, glaring. "That was fucking humiliating."

"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad," Nick says, dismissively, wrapping an arm around Jenna’s shoulder. Jenna wants to saw it off his arm.

"You're not the one who started talking about whale cock in front of like, three cameras," Jenna hisses back at him.

"You could barely hear it anyway," Nick says, rolling his eyes.  He pinches Jenna’s shoulder, waggling his eyebrows . "But Harry, eh? That was some intense flirting you had going on there."

"Nick," Jenna says, deadpan. "He's not single. You should know this, he's one of your best friends."

Nick frowns, but before he can open his mouth to say something, Jenna beats him to it. "Never mind him. He's probably going to get us suspended anyway, with all his obscene answers and talk about bums."

Nick cackles again, with his head thrown back. "That was pretty funny."

"Yeah, well let's see how funny it is when we get taken off air for a week straight," Jenna answers, rolling her eyes, before reaching over to queue up the next song.

Nick, the twat, just keeps laughing.

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