#coping right now I dont know what to do with myself

[pinkandlilacroses]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

Angel - Paige bueckers

part 3

• summary {when an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}

• warnings {drug use, angst}

• comment if you would like to be added to the taglist

bella’s pov

“ok you can go now” she says, emotionless

“oh”

“i mean, no offence but i have a girl coming soon, so you cant be here” she says laying on her back, breaking our eye contact

i don’t respond and put my clothes back on. this is fucked

“have a nice night”

i haven’t cried this much in months, walking through the halls, ugly crying.

‘paige’ has been blocked by ‘bella’

“bella whats wrong” avery says, empathetically

“i hate her, i hate her so much” i cry, barley being able to choke the words out

i look at avery after my response and i have never seen her that angry, there could fully be steam coming from her ears.

“please dont talk to her, please dont hurt her, please avery, please” i cry out, begging the infuriated girl

“why not bella, she deserves it” she yells

my tears dont stop and i feel like they will never stop pouring.

“tell me what she did”

i begin the tell her the events of tonight and her anger only grows.

“that fucking bitch” is all she can say in response

“but i blocked her, and im literally never gonna speak to her again” i say, trying to make a positive point, to counteract this negative situation

“you are never gonna speak to her again”

“im gonna go off to bed”

i feel broken, i got used. i wanted my first time with a girl to be meaningful, i know i like girls and i wanted to prove to myself that having sex with girls wasn’t wrong, but i feel wrong, i feel gross. i cant believe i would let myself be that vulnerable with someone i barley know. ive never been the one to have one night stands and ive only ever had sex with someone ive been in a relationship with.

i take my valium, something i swore to never use again after getting addicted, but its the only thing that works.

“hey, how are you feeling” avery ask’s, genuinely. i’ve never seen her be this gentle before

“wheres my weed”

“bella no”

“shut up avery”

i walk to the kitchen and unlock one of the drawers, and i see the stash. thank god

i know i shouldn’t smoke as a coping mechanism, but its the only thing that works, every time something bad happens to me, i turn to smoking

after going through 3 joints, im barley able to talk or stand up. perfect

knock

ugh

knock

fuck off

knock

“who is it” i say, it barley even sounded like words

“its azzi, is avery here”

who the fuck is azzi

“avery theres a bitch here for you” i say taking another drag

“oh my god! hey azzi” avery says, excitedly, why the fuck is she acting like that

“why are you so fucking happy” i ask, knowing full well how rude i sound

“this is azzi, shes in my psychology class and we have gotten pretty close” avery says, grabbing azzi and sitting next to me on the couch

“yo dont sit on my shit” i say, mad

“your bella right?” azzi says, happily. i hate happy people

“yeah”

“yeah avery’s told me alot about you” she says

“cool” i reply, dryly

“azzis on the basketball team” avery says, my eyes widen

“of course she is” i say, sarcastically. i hate basketball

“yeah, have you been to any games” she questioned, attempting to continue this boring conversation

“nah, i dont watch basketball”

“oh well you should sometime, avery keeps saying how she wants to go to a game” azzi says, looking at avery who begins giggling. sus

“bella your probably friends with some people on the team” avery says

“you wanna hit” i offer to azzi

“nah, i dont smoke”

“boring” i say, bluntly

“do you guys mind if some of my friends come over” azzi says

“no, no, thats perfectly fine” avery says, looking at azzi. basically eye fucking her

“who” i ask

“ice, kk, aubrey, nika and ashlee” she lists

fuck my life. im to high to care

“yeah whatever” i say, lazily

“ok perfect, ill tell them to come” azzi says, excitedly

“are you sure” avery whispers to me, being nice. for once

“i dont give a fuck, its fine” i say taking a drag

im so high. god damn

10 minutes later all of azzis friends turn up, why are they all so tall. what the fuck

avery introduces herself to them and points them to our couch

“hey im kk, your bella right” kk asks

“yeah im bella”

“hey im ice”

“hey im nika”

“hey im ashlee”

“hey im aubrey”

to many people to remember

until

“oh paige came to, i hope you dont mind” azzi says to us, mostly avery

avery says nothing, myself included

“hi paige” avery says, extremely cold

“come sit guys” azzi says, breaking the silence. i wish i wasn’t so high cause i wanna go to my room

everyone sits on the couch, paige sitting the furthest away from me. funny. not funny. not laughing

conversation begins and everyone is involved. everyone but me, ugh i’m so uncomfortable

paige keeps looking at me, and yes i’m noticing because i’m looking at her to.

paige’s pov

fuck. why do i keep looking at her.

she blocked me last night so obviously shes mad about my actions last night, its just a hookup, nothing more.

its not that deep

“i’m going to bed” bella says, slurring and barely able to stand up. i didn’t know she smoked that much, i guess i don’t know anything about her. but i don’t care.

“paige are you ready to go” kk and ice say to me

“yeah, aubrey, nika, azzi, u ready to go”

“yeah lets go”

“actually im gonna stay” azzi says. sus

“buy guys” is said in unison

azzis pov

“ugh finally” avery says, while smashing her lips onto mine

A/N: im being active rn lolll. how do we like avery and azzi

#paige bueckers x reader #paige bueckers headcannons #paige bueckers smut #paige bueckers fic #paige bueckers #uconn #uconn women’s basketball #uconn huskies #uconn wbb #azzi fudd #nika muhl #kk arnold

[feelin-bluu]

You know what…

After a couple hours of reflecting

I do feel better about the ending…

Do I still feel conflicted?

Yes, I do.

But it’s still an ending.

One that was done in Adachitoka fashion.

And no one could ever take that away.

So once again,

Thank you Adachitoka for creating a beautiful story

And give a round of applause and a huge thank you to Fast-Moon for translating these chapters for a long time, your work will forever be recognized and cherished!

And of course, thank you to everyone in this community (active or not) for keeping Noragami alive.

#noragami #thank you #fast-moon #adachitoka #yato #yukine #hiyori #adachitoka when i catch you… #its been a ride and now its come to an end #dont be sad its over for memories will forever remain #idk how the phrase goes lmao #uhh yeah #noragami ending #ending #can’t believe its over #coping right now I dont know what to do with myself #what now #Noragami Season 3 maybe? #It IS the perfect time.. so… maybe. #how are we feeling guys?

[todayisafridaynight]

if i think bout ichi going to jiro kasuga's grave and arakawa accompanying him Maybe At Least Once i just might explode

#snap chats #hi everyone. coping with my reality. plus it is fathers day tomorrow #ill save all THAT rambling after The Real Meat alright lemme get that juice out the way #anyway no i was just having an idle thought with fathers day coming up #an i just thought of like. Just-Got-Here ichi wantin to see his Relatively-Recently-Deceased's dad's grave #maybe arakawa wanted to ask ichi to do somethin on X day and ichi visibly is just 😬 #obvi he tries to brush it off like Oh Its Nothing Sir Haha :) but arakawa's A Dad. #and grew up with a troubled childhood alright he knows when someones hiding something so he encourages ichi to tell him the truth #such comes The Bean Spillin an ichi's just 'remember how i said my dad died yeah i wanted to visit him that day 👉👈 ' #followed up by the obligatory backpedaling But Its Fine I Can Do Another Day ! No Worries ! etc etc #so pleaaasse cut to arakawa making a 'deal' with ichi in that he can go that day but only if he could tag along #ichi's a great kid it's worth visiting the guy who raised him right #im gonna throw up if arakawa just gets a Funny Feeling during their visit yk what i mean #he just feels Especially grateful for jiro and what he did for ichi- doesnt exactly know why maybe ichi really is just that good of a kiddo #im gona make myself throw UP oh my GOD. crying dying etc etc #if you see me write or draw anything after this no you dont #speaking of though Personal Ramble Time i knew i shouldnt have eaten until later this is my karma <- thats not how karma works #i try not to eat in the evening and the time i do unprompted BOOM mother's home. screaming crying yelling #i still had things i wanted to do upstairs too gdi now i gotta wait til monday or like. 2AM ☠️☠️☠️ #ok thats all byyyyye im gonna cope with my cringe family situation with projection 👋

[gaystardykeco]

not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets #the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever #i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone #and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all #i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option #idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow #job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc #i just feel like ive hit a dead end #like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis #bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore #idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty #sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad #i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl #and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living #but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved #and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable #ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that #and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore #but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much #anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise

[mejomonster]

Ridiculously depressed but I am running ragged (which is surely worsening the depression ToT) so like the idea of weekly therapy to further exhaust me and trigger the anxiety more doesn't sound super compatible

#rant #like. i havent eaten in 6 days im fucking miserable amd on edge. my gi issues are FUCKED right now #so i cant eat and im desperate To eat asap so i really hope my gi issues improve soon jesus fucking christ #anyway... on top of that which... homestly on its own is enough to destroy me emotilnally and exhaust me.... #i also am intensely deptessed a friend has like 5 crushes 4 dating options #i looked up advice today! oh no the spiral! i am considering paying money for a matchmaking service just so i can hate myself more i guess #when even that fails. i havent had a crush in 5 years either. i had like 3 crushes BUT they were married or aro #so i stopped my crush. so basically no crush on available for relationships peolle in half a decade. k feel broken #i looked up how to develop crushes today. google amd youtube apparently think its so rare to Not crush that theres no fucking advice #and then on top of it i have regular run of the mill anxiety. where i disassociate if im in public or around strangers. #which helps Me cope and i Feel great. as in not scared. but it means i dont talk well to strangers. #i try to. but i barely know what im saying and i dont see anyone i see them vaguely then block it out. and thats how i handle public. #and if i can manage to be present i need enough of a crowd i can hide. and if i see an attractive person i look away #cause i turn red and cant breathe. and im chicken i guess. so ur supposed to LOCK EYES with hot strangers and stare. but i need to PRACTICE #and then i also need to practice just. MAKING myself go places that make my anxiety shoot up horribly #and just sit and make myself stare at random peoplr and touch my skin and make myself endure being present. #then i have to do the same thing in public places i Like (which makes me more anxioud and in the past often resulted in panic attacks then #suicide attempts and self harm during said pamic attacks) so im not like super hype to endure that #and id rather endure it WHEN MY HEALTH IS SOLID ENOUGH I CAN EAT #because currently? me hungty? me in immense pain? even non anxiety inducing situatilns are shooting my stress level through the roof. #spilling coffee right now is making me feel like dying. just cayse im hungry and exhausted. i want to work up to 1. gi tract DIGESTING FOOD #PLEASE GOD SOON. 2. my back doesnt hurt so bad so i can STAND in public #3 stand in a nonthreatening public place like a bookstore or grocery store and stare at people #4 stand in nonthreatening place and stare at Hot people #5 attempt to enter a place in public i LIKE A LOT like a local hobby club. attempt for an hour if needed #call it a win if i make it to the doorway befote the panic attack hits. 6 attempt again at least standing IN FRONT of building 5 minutes #7 attempt again and maybr peak in and use bathroom so i can leave if im scared. 8 attempt again to enter building and maybe finally join #event i want to join. 8 attempt looking people in the eyes and remaining present at Location i like. #9 attempt looking pretty people In The Eye. 10 attempt saying hi i like your X #11 attempt conversation (if i got through all prior steps). which. this anxiety work could take 3-4 months minimum

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

.

#bf is feeling not good due to school stress from starting his study #and idk how to help nor how to cope #idk how to comfort him #and on top of that im used to people who feel upset either being violent towards me or towards themselves so im v on edge #wish i knew what helps him but he barely knows </3 #i tried to comfort him holding his hand etc #tried to talk to him in an affirming way like i love you and you're doing your best and like less generic stuff but dont wanna overshare his #things. #i can also almost feel myseld becoming my dad like getting nervous makes me irritable and i have to tell myself like #'try to regulate. you aren't actually irritated at him AT ALL you are just scared right now it's okay. u can be there for him'

[seraphim-soulmate]

Oh No. I don't think I like who I've become. Oh Fuck.

#personal #the steps i have to take to help myself are treacherous and i feel terrible for having been in this stagnation for 2+ years #i feel really bad for not having been present. im afraid ive hurt my friendships by struggling to cope. #i wish i could have gotten back on my feet sooner and im still not there yet and im afraid im still hurting people by being in pain #I don't like this person who i am right now. i dont like being hopeless and irritable and in pain and tired. #i dont like not knowing what im doing and not having goals and not knowing what to look forward to #its all quite scary. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry i couldnt do my best. i wish i could be someone better. #i wish i had more control over things and knew with more certainty. #a lot of my problems come from not wanting to try bcs the consequences suck

[orcelito]

Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this

#speculation nation #daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days... #im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard #im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn. #what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles #and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response #im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day #but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned #and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat. #im just... tired. im so very tired. #i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to #constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing) #and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed #if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work #at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think #get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes. #i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding #i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic #but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month. #losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though. #negative/

[saltycharacters]

It's been 4 months with little wrist releaf despite a prolonged break and multiple doc appointments and it's just. Becoming harder and harder to stay positive I can barely do anything

#its to the point where i actually get jealous of other artists idk im just. art has been my passion and coping mechanism all my life #not to mention what im studying to pursue as a career #and now im almost out of community college and it hurts almost every day and i just. #im depressed because i cant express myself and because theres so little i can do without a right hand #both my income from casual freelance and planned future jobs are slipping from my fingers #i know i say this a lot but i really just dont know what to do with myself at this point #i just pass the days sleeping and playing games and im trying to stay positive but #i feel like shit #i wish i had money again #and my art again #guess im just gonna keep trudgung through the days until the inevitability of art college roadblocks me and then i guess ill just #let it roll me over #idk all i can do is just try to not think and just keep going in my predetermined path and mantain apathy over misery #vent

[florida3exclamationpoints]

My mom just came in my room right after I got home to be like how did it go???? What happened???? When are you going back?? How do you feel??? Are you ok???? What are your hours???? What did they say??? And I know she means well but

#and she gets upset at me when i don't wanna talk #IM SORRY but I've been anxious about this for 3 days #the actual thing took an hour + #I had no idea what to expect going in #even tho my mom was convinced i had already gotten the job (i hadn't) #(i tried to tell her why i was unsure and she was like well im sure you got it!! but i didn't know and i HADNT YET) #YES ive been stressed about not having a job but now im stressed about HAVING a job!!!! #i want to forget it exists before i have to do things!!!! #its like she. doest understand how i cope with things #but ive explained it #and then she intrudes while im coping and gets upset at me getting upset #and talking about it while I'm trying to decompress makes me 50000x more anxious #and then she gets worried about how anxious i am #and then she thinks she needs to check on me more bc my anxiety is worse #but then i dont have a chance to decompress so the anxiety doesn't get better #and i tell her this and shes like i just wanna make sure you're ok #but shes making me less ok!!!! #just now when she came to talk about this she knocked. and actually kinda waited for an answer for once #and i didn't answer. bc i didn't wanna talk #so she COMES IN ANYWAY!!!!!!! #she knew i was in my room. she knew i wasn't sleeping bc i just got home. she just wanted to ask about it #while SHES ALSO WORKING!!!! AND DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME!!!! #idk if i didn't answer the knock on my door doesn't that suggest i dont want to talk??????? #and she would say she wants to make sure im ok. which i can't argue with ig. but ive been in the house for 5 minutes #i didn't have time to kill myself. respectfully. #and ive TOLD HER i dont like to talk right after #my mental health is not at a point where i cant be trusted alone in a room for an hour and it NEVER has been #i KNOW shes my mom and she worries and she wants to take care of me i GET IT. but GODDDD!!!!! #anyway. #tw suicide mention

[truckstoptigers]

i remember this one time when i was planning on going to my best friend's (we were 'dating' in that little kid way, where we didn't really understand that kind of thing) house

i couldn't have been older than 10 yet i dressed up the best i could, used the lipstick with the plumper in it, put on a little mascara. i knew what men liked, so surely it must be the same. this is what i am meant to do. this is the only reason people like me, right?

it was something aaron taught me

sometimes they're nicer to you if you're pretty

#not to mention that same friends father molested me. possibly several times. so </3 #were also not friends anymore. it is what it is. i missed them for a really long time but they were not good to me either #theres a lot i didnt tell them. they dont know about their dad or damien or aaron or any of the men aaron had me 'entertain' #just. realizing that this is something thats been affecting me since i was very small fucked me up #probably why i prefer not to wear makeup/revealing clothes #(not that theres anything wrong w those things. theyre just not good for me bc of association) #sometimes i wonder if their dad did more than touch me but i cant be certain right now #he was such a creep. if he was willing to do that i do genuinely worry for my ex friend & their brother #AND the baby their dad just had with his new wife. i dont trust that man even a little bit #csa vent #trauma vent #actuallyabused #fuuuuuck im so tired of this #the more i remember the more horrified i am at what i lived thru and coped with all by myself. sometimes i dont even know how i survived #like how does a child live through that shit? i just. i have no idea. breaks my heart #i mustve been so scared when their dad did that to me. another man i thought i could trust. i was so little.

[todayisafridaynight]

#ANYWAY LET ME COOK. im not a good chef but i can at least cook an egg lemme see what i got...

This is leagues ahead of Jo as per Substitute Father so I'm sure you'll do great <3 NOT TO SET THE BAR LOW... Arakawa POV part of that was sooooooo cute but I am of course VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD regardless of what you've got in the oven :] I think it's funny we always end up with roughly the same concepts but I just shoehorn RGGJo into it instead

DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN THOUGH WITH HOW THE MARKETING FOR YLAD KEPT HAMMERING IN THE SON THING ONE WAY OR ANOTHER... BUT THE SCENE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT IS FUNNY and honestly half of the things Westerners [<- counting myself just this once] find funny in RGG apparently aren't intentional so what's one more

Substitute Father haunts me since i really don't like it but i also know that One (1) person really enjoyed it so i don't want to delete it SOOO the most i can do at this point is try to write something better as an apology and try to forget.. and hopefully let arakawa FPOV in a better fic..

BUT YEAH LMAO they really werent subtle bout it in retrospect.... teehee..

#snap chats #i dont like saying hate but I Do Hate a lot of things i make and i do go back to delete a sum of them #even if its like. Fine or whatever i'll just become overburdened with shame or embarrassment and i'll want it gone #i wanted to delete that fic before you saw it so im sorry you happened upon it #i wouldve deleted it sometime later but. then i saw people like it and i know i always go Aw Man when i cant find a thing anymore so.. #here's to.trying to do better. even if i have no faith in my ability to write #its why i do comics and w/e..... less thinking involved... it comes easier to me... #if i sit here thinking about it anymore ill give myself an Actual Real Stroke LMAO so moving on #funny we have similar ideas :) idk what you have in mind but still lmao..... small world.. or something like that.. #in any case... crying at the specification that This Once you're a westerner #sorry to sully you with such a heinous title 😩 no one likes it tbf... #i try to find comedy in like. Everything but maybe that is a Westerner thing who's to say not me #it's how i cope.... speaking of tho i checked my blood pressure Correctly this time :) it as 150 ☠️ sooo i MIGHT die... #we can only hope right LMAOO my chest hurt a lil.... oh noo here it comes... #jk i have to stare at this google doc for another two hours and do nothing as i feel ineptitude overcome me #also it's my sister's birthday :) it just became my sister's birthday as i was typing this LMAO #ok im done now bye

[whomturgled]

yrkeby4ur8

#hi its personal post as tho tumblr is my diary in the tags while still being vague time bc my coping strats are failing me a little and #ig being able to essentially shout into the void is kinda nice like i cld physically write things down but i did a lot of that #already today w sssitnments and my fjfknging joints hurt so here we are! #ig theres also comfort in knowing someone somewhere probably read it. regardless of what they think/feel/the impression it gives them bc. #like. i exist! i guess? idk. #anyway that being said tw for talk of sh and upsettio spaghettio n stuff. #but yeah im like 🤏 close to relapsing with cutting or some sort of. idek. #and the only reasons im resisting are like. its been so long and itd be a shame to break that streak #which funnily enohgh mskes another part of me wana do it MoRE to like. idk. remember. and. punish ?? idk. #but we're ignoring him rn hes being a little too edgy. #and then bc it would feel like im being manipulative and ik if ppl find out they would probably be very . distressed. #and if it were me and i found out i know id be incredibly distressed and maybe a little scared and just knowing other ppl like it just #would not help the situation ykwim itd probably make things worse #also kinda too tired physically emotionally etc rn to do it and go thru it and the aftermath and having to clean up and take care and #trust myself to be. safe. enough. abt it. #but. now hear me out. IF i do it somewhere that isnt super obv or visible. i doubt theyll know anytime soon. #and if things go. in a way thats.. i dont think i can cope with then well ill prob end up right back in this feeling without the like #withstraint of someone who cares and wants to care abt themselves and others and want to control themself and behaviours and health #but that thought in itself feels manipulative bc its like saying either way i wld prob do it teehee like a threat but. its. oeurghgnnfd. #i just. am struggling to cope. i feel things. so much. and. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i think if i have made it this far for this long i will be able to keep going without resorting to that? #but i really do hate that its like. wld be. yeah like turbo bad. #a very small and fucked up part of me feels like if things do go bad then what does it even matter and even better if whoever were to know #that i HAD relapsed bc ig at that point its like. idc who is upset or disappointed or uncomf or scared of/for me and thinks im terrible bc #at that point like. things are all. tumbling (lol) snd messed up so if i am messed up then whatever! ig. ???? #but umm. yeah. idk i guess im just frustrated with my own . caring abt being responsible and stuff #there was a time when i was not as likely to be able to resist consequences be damned #im like over here going thru the stages of grief on god fr fr no cap on the stack or whatever ppl say #in other brighter news i managed to get a bit of work done on one of my assignments and some needed friend time but wasnt actually able to

[mejomonster]

hate panic attacks think they’re possibly the worst experience inside

#rant #i just. they dont end until They end #i am thinking in retrospect that pre life for some awful reason i made a plan to have my body Fighting To Kill me from birth #and like. thats traumatizing and all but not The worst in the sense im used to it #but then panic attacks? god the Only way to make them end is to kill myself #how fucked up. i can breathe i can do everything right but they will STILL go on for 15 minutes to 2 hours no matter how well i cope #so some time sensitive shit happens like fix X NOW or worse happens or talk to doctor NOW to save ur life in hospital #or ur in public NOW and cant escape for 20 minutes it takes to exit public #and its like. okay so i just wont have any brain function for problem solving for 15 min to 2 hours #ill be sobbing hyperventilating shaking and have no problem solving ability for THAT LONG #i feel so helpless. i hate knowing i COULD solve it and fix it and take care of myself but NOPE #brain hit the panic attack mini stroke button jesus christ. so now for 2 hours or less i will be a useless mess #and cannot solve anything or help myself beyond trying to ignore the suicidal impulses. #like at Best i can keep my body breathing and unharmed during a panic attack if ALL goes WELL #but i can't do anything else like drive. like pay a bill. like chat through a problem. like calmly BREATHE #like even explain whats going on cause my entire rational brain is just completely offline while im in literal hell #a panic attack is so awful god i hate them i hate them i dont have words to describe #ive been dying in hospital plenty of times and like enough pure rage and stress is traumatizing for sure #but at least im so angry to survive i can problem solve #but a panic attack? even if i get angry i cant problem solve i just start trying to physically kill myself to make it end #cause illogical panic brain thinks the only way to fix the panic problem is be dead #since like. it is not a fixable problem. its a thing you ride out until its over.

[mothmanns]

ranting in tags

#nunya beeswax #god god god god god i am SUFFERING right now #i havent been to class in three weeks and im unmedicated and want to die all the time and cant get anything done and dont have any energy #and i have a really big paper draft due today and all ive done on it is come up with a half assed population model where the pigs are fuckin #g immortal bc i cant find mortality data #and i have a lab exam at 2 tomorrow and i know NOTHING i literally dont even know what species are on kt #and i have 12 hours of lecture to catch up on for one class and ankther 12 hours of lab and then for my other class i have 3 r labs and 8 #hours of lecture #and i still have to clean my apartment and do laundry and walk my dog and feed myself and i dont know what to do i dont know what to do im #so overwhelmed and im still so so sad about my grandpa dying that i keep bursting into tears randomly several times per day #and i just. i dont know what to do #i need to study for my lab exam but i need to write my paper but i cant do either of those until i clean off the kitchen counter #and i need to call my doctor but i dont even know what to say #because like. nothings wrong! i havent relapsed! im just fucking miserable and cant cope with life rn #so instead here i am. just sitting on the couch waiting for my adderall to kick in so i have a chance of doing something god anything

[marunalu]

Okay so.... like I already teased before, here comes the post about the "afo red herring" hori put in the manga and I just realized yesterday evening thanks to JADE (I dont know if you have an tumblr blog and what your username is, so if you read this, this post only happend thanks to you!) from the afo discord server and I feel so dumb for not realizing it sooner. So to make it short JADE pointed out in one of their comments that in the scene when yoichi is killed afo actually reaches out with his hand towards yoichi, because he was trying to GRAB HIM! And when I did read that I was like "Huh? What? Didnt he use a quirk and it accidently killed yoichi?" So I checked and JADE is absolutely right!

The way afos hand is drawn and reaching forward makes it look like as if he just used an attack on yoichi. This is what I believed myself. I thought he used an quirk on yoichi, because he was in a fit of rage that his brother was "leaving him" and that in his anger he used more force then intended and thats the reason why he is so shocked afterwards and in denial about killing yoichi. But the thing is: nothing in this scene actually confirms that afo really used an quirk on him! We dont see him use one. We dont see an energy beam, flash of light or an other more physical quirk used here. We only ASSUME afo used a quirk, because of the way his hand is raised and reaching out and yoichi falls into pieces! I also believed that myself! I was sure he used air canon on him or maybe decay but didnt intented the attack to be lethal and THATS why he is so shocked! But then JADE mentioned that afos hand is raised because he was trying to GRAB yoichi to stop him from running away! Afo DIDNT use a quirk on yoichi that killed him, it only LOOKS like it! THAT is the red herring!

Okay look, I know this sounds crazy, but please hear me out a little bit longer, because I will explain WHAT actually happend in this scene in a moment. But before I do that, I want to point out something else. Since we got the chapter about yoichis death, the whole flashback about their childhood and afos tendendcy to dehumanizing himself to the point that he is convinced that he was born evil, there was something that bothered me, but I couldnt pinpoint what it was. NOW i know! Afo is trying to portray himself as the ultimative evil. The flashback of him as a baby is from HIS narrative and he is trying to convince everyone (espicially himself) that he was born that way! But the thing is: despite his desire to be seen like that by others, he REFUSES to acknowledge himself as yoichis murderer. I thought he was just in denial and coping. But if he wants to be seen as the ultimative evil, WHY doesnt he acknowledge that he is indeed SO EVIL that he was even able to kill his own brother if he really did it? Murder is already horrible enough, but to murder your own family? Espicially in a family focused country like japan in which "family" is the most important thing EVER?! To be able to kill your own kin would make you look like the devil in human form. Its the very image afo wants people to see of him. But STILL he refuses any responsebility for yoichis death! And now I think I understand why: as incredible as it sounds, but afo refuses any responsebility, because he really DIDNT kill yoichi! Look at his shocked face:

Look at his confusion afterwards and his inability to accept that his brother is dead. Look at the fact that kudou, bruce and the rest of their group managed to flee from afo after the incident which shows that afo didnt follow them after yoichi was killed! It was not just because he was in a state of utter shock. He simply couldnt understand WHAT THE HELL HAPPEND! And that only works if afo indeed never used any quirk on yoichi. Becauae no matter how much in denial he is after killing yoichi accident or not, its very suspicious that it was never mentioned by him or the narrative what kind of quirk he used in that moment. WE DONT EVEN SEE HIM USE ONE, WE JUST ASSUME HE DID, BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE IT!

But WHAT killed yoichi then? Soon, soon Im almost there guys. But to understand you need to look at this first:

THIS is what pissed afo off! THIS is what his focus was on: yoichi and kudou "holding hands" while running away together from him. He wants kudou to let go of hid brother, wants them to stop holding hands, because he is fucking JEALOUS (from the flashback we got about their childhood, I think we can conclude that afo and yoichi NEVER did hold hands as kids) since holding each others hand is a very intime gesture you dont do with everyone. It fuels afos fear and anger that kudou is "stealing" yoichi from him. That he is losing his "most precious possession". And he also for the most part is pissed at kudou and even blames HIM for yoichis death later. But still its yoichi who dies not kudou. If afo indeed used a quirk, why was it directed at yoichi he clearly just wanted back and not at the person who was "stealing" him? It doesnt make any sense. And now I want you to look closely at the picture of kudous and yoichis hands again. Do you see the glow around their hands? Do you understand what this means? Because THIS is the very moment ofa got transfered from yoichi to kudou! Look at their hands and you can see that they are a little bit brused and dirty, so its not to farfetched to assume that this is how ofa was transfered, because we know blood contact between 2 people works just like how in the movie "heros rising" ofa was transfered from izuku to bakugou through blood contact.

And now back to the most important question: if afo indeed didnt use a quirk on yoichi and to us readers and kudou, bruce etc. just looks like he did, because of the way his hand is reaching out towards yoichi and he falls apart, then WHAT really killed yoichi? Guys... its so simple, I cant believe how I didnt get it sooner. Yoichi wasnt killed by afo, he was killed by OFA!!!

Okay listen, before you freak out and call me delusional or something similar, lets remember a few facts we know. Ofa was created when yoichis "give" quirk fusioned with the stockpike quirk afo forced on him. That means, while it was still an very weak quirk in that moment, it already got his first powerboost. We know that ofa is an incredible dangerous quirk that can kill its owner if they cant control it. We know ofa shortens its owners lifespan (except all mights and izukus). We know that if the owners body is weak ofa can KILL them! We know when ofa is transfered and used at the same time between 2 people it sets an huge destructive energy free (again look at heroes rising when izuku and bakugou both use ofa at 100% after izuku just transfered it). You may wonder now WHEN did kudou and yoichi use ofa though? And the answer is they actually used it without realizing (since they didnt know of its existence yet) the moment it was transfered from yoichi to kudou by trying to outrun afo. It was still an pretty weak quirk at that point, but yoichi was born with a WEAK BODY! The exact thing the owner of ofa SHOULDNT have because its a DEATH SENTENCE! Its the very reason why all might helped izuku to train his body before he gave him his hair to eat. Izukus body needed to be tough and strong enough, otherwise he would have immediately killed himself with it when he used it the first time (which he still almost did!). And now look at this:

"Your limbs would fly off and youd be BLOWN TO BITES!"

Here you have it everyone! THIS IS WHAT HAPPEND TO YOICHI! THIS IS WHAT KILLED HIM! Afo never used an quirk on him, it just looks like he did TO US! It wasnt air canon! It wasnt decay or any other of afos quirks! He was simply trying to grab his brother! THAT is the red herring! Hori is a fucking genius!

And its the whole reason why afo looks like as if he just got punched in the guts with a wrecking ball when kudou tells him "you killed him". Because just this one time afo really didnt do it!

#bnha #bnha spoiler #my hero academia #bnha all for one #yoichi shigaraki #second user kudou