#but. now hear me out. IF i do it somewhere that isnt super obv or visible. i doubt theyll know anytime soon.

[whomturgled]

yrkeby4ur8

#hi its personal post as tho tumblr is my diary in the tags while still being vague time bc my coping strats are failing me a little and #ig being able to essentially shout into the void is kinda nice like i cld physically write things down but i did a lot of that #already today w sssitnments and my fjfknging joints hurt so here we are! #ig theres also comfort in knowing someone somewhere probably read it. regardless of what they think/feel/the impression it gives them bc. #like. i exist! i guess? idk. #anyway that being said tw for talk of sh and upsettio spaghettio n stuff. #but yeah im like 🤏 close to relapsing with cutting or some sort of. idek. #and the only reasons im resisting are like. its been so long and itd be a shame to break that streak #which funnily enohgh mskes another part of me wana do it MoRE to like. idk. remember. and. punish ?? idk. #but we're ignoring him rn hes being a little too edgy. #and then bc it would feel like im being manipulative and ik if ppl find out they would probably be very . distressed. #and if it were me and i found out i know id be incredibly distressed and maybe a little scared and just knowing other ppl like it just #would not help the situation ykwim itd probably make things worse #also kinda too tired physically emotionally etc rn to do it and go thru it and the aftermath and having to clean up and take care and #trust myself to be. safe. enough. abt it. #but. now hear me out. IF i do it somewhere that isnt super obv or visible. i doubt theyll know anytime soon. #and if things go. in a way thats.. i dont think i can cope with then well ill prob end up right back in this feeling without the like #withstraint of someone who cares and wants to care abt themselves and others and want to control themself and behaviours and health #but that thought in itself feels manipulative bc its like saying either way i wld prob do it teehee like a threat but. its. oeurghgnnfd. #i just. am struggling to cope. i feel things. so much. and. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i think if i have made it this far for this long i will be able to keep going without resorting to that? #but i really do hate that its like. wld be. yeah like turbo bad. #a very small and fucked up part of me feels like if things do go bad then what does it even matter and even better if whoever were to know #that i HAD relapsed bc ig at that point its like. idc who is upset or disappointed or uncomf or scared of/for me and thinks im terrible bc #at that point like. things are all. tumbling (lol) snd messed up so if i am messed up then whatever! ig. ???? #but umm. yeah. idk i guess im just frustrated with my own . caring abt being responsible and stuff #there was a time when i was not as likely to be able to resist consequences be damned #im like over here going thru the stages of grief on god fr fr no cap on the stack or whatever ppl say #in other brighter news i managed to get a bit of work done on one of my assignments and some needed friend time but wasnt actually able to

[saintkimora]

well here is how my date w caleb went yesterday and i also included the stuff i found out about alex and my thoughts on beauty and the beast

ok so ill start w the alex stuff since it happened a few days ago. first alex messaged caleb on fb asking if him and i were together (prob bc he saw the insta post caleb made about me) and caleb was like yeah and alex never responded so caleb was like why do you ask? and alex just responded with “...” so then a few days later caleb and his friend anny were shopping at the mall and they were in the store where alex works. they were talking about their old job and then the convo somehow shifted to me. apparently alex said that it shouldve been him (to be in a relationship w me) and also that i lead him on! like uh literally HOW is completely ignoring someone and never talking to them leading them on????? anyways. alex is messy

so then i had a date w caleb last night. i drove to his house to pick him up bc we were going to the movies and i drove him all the way to the theater which was like 25 min away. this was my first time being the one driving and it was sooooo much fun bc he kept making fun of my driving skills the whole time! i was laughing like the whole time

then we got there and the movie was sold out rip so we were just sitting in the car trying to figure out what we wanna do but it took forever bc he kept fooling around with me! it was so weird to be like doing sexual stuff in a car in a parking lot bc we had to stop every time someone walked by. it felt like i was in one of those public porn videos lol it was nice enough i guess but i wouldve preferred to not be constantly interrupted bc people were walking by 

so then we decided to get dinner at cozymels and this is where the thing i didnt like happened. some other driver was being bad at driving and caleb said s/t along the lines of “what is this *n word* doing” and i was MAD. i was like “i better not hear that word come out of your fucking mouth again. im serious. im honestly about to kick you out of this car” and he apologized. we discussed the issue a little bit but idk if he really understood or not. but that was his only warning though if he says it again im breaking up with him. so that was the really bad thing i mentioned in last nights post and the thing he was referencing in that snap of me on my story. also hes not black obv like if he was i wouldnt have been mad about him saying it. i didnt want to post this bc i thought it would seem like im trying to pat myself on the back or something but it was really bugging me so i needed to at least say it somewhere

we got there and had dinner and it was nice enough. it was fun at first but then towards the middle the convo started dying down and i was starting to feel bad bc i knew i was lacking in the personality department again. so that was the more general issue i mentioned in last nights post. but then things got better when we had desert bc part of it had ice cream and he wanted to feed me but every time i got my mouth near the spoon he would move it up suddenly to get ice cream on my nose or he would pull it away and like tease me with it. it was v fun and extra and then i looked and this guy who was sitting at a table with this girl was watching it happen and laughing! smh so do with that what you will

then we got to the theater and we saw beauty and the beast. so i dont really enjoy going to the movies but doing it on a date is sooooooooo nice! it was my enjoyable to be like leaning on him and putting my arm around him and exchanging quick kisses throughout the movie and all the other things. also he saw his friend steven that he used to have a crush on and he saw sitting a few rows behind us rip. but yeah it was a v good experience. now for my thoughts on the movie

so i came in knowing that all the people on here were being super critical about this movie but it literally was not that bad at ALL. it was a cute movie! idk why yall were being so negative about a childrens film but it literally is not that serious. the only thing i will agree with is the criticism of belles yellow dress. like seeing the pics online i was like “it isnt THAT bad” but it looks way worse when its actually in motion so yeah that dress was a mistake lol but its not like it ruined the experience for me

i remember seeing that post w like not even 2 seconds of le fou dancing w another guy saying that that was the big gay scene and i thought they were joking and that there would be something else but nope! that was literally it LMAO everyone was making such a big deal about le fou being the first gay character but he wasnt even like explicitly gay! like at one point gaston asked why le fou why he wasnt w any women and i thought this was where there would be like a gay joke or s/t to show that he was gay but no lol he was just like “ive been told im too clingy” and also yall were acting like he was hopelessly in love w gaston but he wasnt? he was v conflicted when he tried to kill belles dad and during the fight scene he literally switched sides after gaston didnt help him. so yeah literally the only gay part was le fou dancing w some random guy at the end if you blinked you wouldve missed it so idk why people were so pressed about it! i dont even see how this is like ~disneys first official gay character~ or whatever its like that post thats like “queer representation in media” and then that pic of spongebob pointing to the top of his head in the background of the krusty crab video being like “thats me!”

so yeah. it was fine i liked all the singing and stuff lol it really was not that bad at all

then i drove caleb home then went home myself. we were together for like 7 hours or so. i paid for both the dinner and the movie and i was doing all the driving and it felt nice! i liked being able to be like “dont worry ill pay” esp since hes paid and driven for our previous dates. so thats p much it lol overall it was a good night except for the 2 issues i had w him

#personal