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hallucinosims · 5 years

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Hi here’s the get to know me tag let’s get to knowing

I was tagged in this by @gunthermunch

125 questions under the cut, if you do decide to read i suggest getting a snack first

I tag @emovatore @humanitys-shortest @liliithvatore if you haven’t done it yet

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Elio

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? Lee and Leo are the go-tos in real life but I get called Hall on here and I think that’s a rad nickname too

3. BIRTHDAY? Feb 5th

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? I am a slut for the Percy Jackson series and Leo Valdez was one of the reasons why I started going by Leo more often then my full name

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? Yes yes absolutely yes. One, earth really can’t be the only planet in a universe with infinite possibilities to have life on it, you know? And ghosts is more like a spirit thing.

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? oooh fuck me up this is a hard one uhhhhhh Classic author probably Edgar Allen Poe but Contempoary I’d say Tony Kushner

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? the Musical Theatre station

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? I don’t really like... food. I don’t enjoy it. But I guess I like savory over sweet

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? neat

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? Liar by Queen or Greek God by Conan Gray

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? I-Cunt-tic, pronounced like iconic but... you know

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? Please Never Fall in love again Ollie MN

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? Kidding, that Jim Carrey tv show that premiered this year. Beautifully edited and told story

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? I’ve seen Bohemian Rhapsody 6 times this month alone so probably that on wards

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? yes

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? dying in the same place i was born

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? my empathy

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? the depression (tm)

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? idk, i’m not really an animal person

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? nah

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? playing in the ika playscape

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? i have quite a few best friends but when im at school/work then my good friend Julio

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? a very doe eyed dark brown

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? i re-dyed my hair black recently so let’s go with that

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? my mom

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? my dad

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? myself

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? going to denmark to be a farm gay on my semester off

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? currently Sims, Queen, and Falsettos (the musical)

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? i didn’t have cable but there is no way in hell i’m saying cyberchase so, Mia and Miguel

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? Julio

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? very

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? none that i can think of

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT?i actually really enjoy both

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? sims

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? True West, it’s a really good play

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? ...Bohemian Rhapsody for the 6th time

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? most stringed instruments i can figure out pretty quickly but i’m best at guitar and piano

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? humans

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? i follow over 5k people i don’t even know who i follow

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? basically Kirby. I want the power to take others powers

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? in michigan on rainy afternoons in my bunk bed with my laptop on my lap. Or like, the floor of a bookstore

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? loaded question

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? I used to do competitve dance, competitve cheer, biking, and volleyball

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? watah

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? like a week ago to my grandma, she likes getting post cards in the mail

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? i used to be. not so much anymore

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? people who saunter. We got places to be fellas

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? yup!

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? i’m to anemic to be either

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a performer

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? i’m actually not to into media that take place in other... wait i take it back i wanna live in Hobbiton

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? breathing

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? ehh sometimes

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? It’s a part of my career so hopefully

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? i’m skippin school rn

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? manhattan Lower East Side

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? Manhattan’s Lower East Side. I live in the Upper West Side right now and it’s aight but it’s not the LES

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? nope

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? i just dont sleep

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER?sunrises

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? nah

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? earbuds

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? yee

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? anything

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? Tony Kushner

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? yee and before you ask my fave is Deadpool

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? when people be on some bullshit

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? real book

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? IN High School I loved history

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? one sister who is ten years older than I am

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? ... iced coffee despite it being 30 degrees out

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5′3

75. CAN YOU COOK? I’d like to think so. Wish I had a oven tho

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? music, my family (sometimes) I’m trying to love myself so let’s throow that one in there

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? people who stroll/saunter, when people are on their bullshit, dark chocolate

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? male “friends”. But, I know a lot more girls that I keep up with more often.

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? lesbian

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? Manhattan, Upper West Side

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? Me mam

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Thursday in my Theatre class but we were all crying so i’ll let it slide

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? i don’t really watch anyone consistently

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? i do

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? tinder

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? prety solid i love them both even if my mom hates my sexuality and threatened locking me at home when i came out to herelol

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? italian

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT?Copenhagen! I’ve wanted to go to Denmark since I was ten

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 7

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? Nah son

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? defenitly a lot less than my story style insists lol. I do believe in God tho

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OR THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? LOADED QUESTION BECAUSE I WANNA EXPLORE BOTH

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? ehhhhhhhh no

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? strawberries and some medicine that i can’t remember the name of

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? yes i’m a lesbian it’s what we do

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? nah

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? Literally anytime i’m wrong about soomething. I love being exposed, put in my place, roasted.

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? Forest so I can find my mans... my MOTH mans

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? you know what you want, don’t let your concerns get in the way of your ambitions

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? Yes

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? Ravenclaw

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? Deadass I talk to myself more often than otherpeople

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? introverted

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? yee

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? I give everyone I can think of second chances because i’m a forgiving sone of a bitch and yet they continue TO BE ON SOME BULLSHIT

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? THat be mine i may be forgiving by moral compass be broke as hell and I haven’t eaten in like 3 days because i’m so broke

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? When I’m answering this question for a job application i sure do

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? tragicallu

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? yes

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? i have 5 holes in my ears and a nostreil piercing

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? Mark Cohen or LEO VALDEZ

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? yes 2, one chest, one forearm. But that’s only because I don’t have money i need more

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? move to new york

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? yes and she’s a bitch

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? both

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? eventually I feel like I would make a pretty solid kid

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? my dad

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? Being high for three days straight

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? i just finished pulling one

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black as you can see by my simself i really do dress pretty much only in black because i aged poorly out of my goth phase

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? yeeee

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? Yep, Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, Trade Show stuff, probably for school or local news a few times

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 18

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? Know in your soul like your blood knows the way from your heart to your brain, know that you’re whole. - HEdwig and the Angry Inch

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? This is a really boring last question but savory but if you made it this far i’ll expose myself a little more. I’m black and Jewish, I go to a performing arts Conservatory, and this took me so long to answer because I hooked up with someone in Brooklyn last night and i had trouble getting back to my dorm.

#get to know me tag #hall posts #saviorhide #long posts

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melaniem54 · 7 years

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A Kai Review: Nate And The New Yorker (Nate and Cameron #1) by Kevin Klehr

Rating: 2.5 stars out of 5

Cameron had it all. He was rich, lived in Manhattan, and even had a cross-dressing butler. But then he met Nate, an Australian who was bitter about love. Cameron was determined to turn this realistic into a dreamer by sharing his world of classy restaurants, Broadway shows, and fabulous parties. And while Nate’s friends saw the makings of a fantasy romance, it was…

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#A Kai Review #A Kai Review: Nate And The New Yorker (Nate and Cameron 1) by Kevin Klehr #author Kevin Klehr #gay fiction #m/m contempoary romance #Nate and Cameron series by Kevin Kiehr #Nate and the New Yorker ( Nate and Cameron 1) by Kevin Klehr #NineStar Press

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cupofteajones · 5 years

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Book Review: Hope Is Our Only Wing by Rutendo Tavengerwei

Format: Hardcover

Pages: 216 pages

Published: Spetember 10, 2019

Publisher: Soho Teen

Genre: Young Adult, Fiction & Literature, Contempoary (more…)

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#Advanced Copies #Africa #ARC #Book Review #Book reviews #Books #Books 2019 #Contemporary #Contemporary Books #Diversity #Diversity in Books #Fiction & Literature #Fiction Books #NetGalley #YA Books #YA Novels

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rayonfrozenwings · 5 years

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14 and 23 ☺️

14. what books have made you uncomfortable? why?

So recently I had two. One I finished and One I didnt.

The first was VOX and it just felt like the MC was very judgemental, and judgemental of *my* life choices and felt like I would be the contributing factor to the end of the world as we know it and that made me very very mad. So I stopped reading about a third of the way through.

The Next one I did finish but it made me uneasy even though I love the element of repeating lives and reincarnation or things happening again and again like in cycles. Honestly that kept me going. The fact that it had **Spoiler** children dying in it hit too close to home, and it also had some drug abuse, depression, potential to go down a suicide track as I was reading it and also infidelity and potential divorce. It was like a book of all my fears rolled together.

Essentially I dont mind reading about these things when they are in fantasy settings of slightly apart from our world. When the novels are almost contemporary it somehow impacts me more - even if it has supernatural elements. 23.genres you rarely read?

So leading on from that last question, I don’t like to read about triggering subjects, and TBH if I knew the sort of content in AFTG before reading it I might have reconsidered.

I dont mind contempoary novels but get bored easily. I usually like “what if” novels but often times it can feel like things are thrown in for shock factor so its not a genre I turn to.

I will not read scary books - sorry goosebumps traumatised me as a child.

So I stick to my faves, Fantasy, Science fiction and Romance, and then anything linked to these. I have fallen into a YA hole though and I’m enjoying a lot of those.

Thanks for the ask @faeriequeenofthewest wanna send me an ask and here are the questions if u need them. :D

#brotp: ohbwtnb #brotp: bc #ask #bookish asks #faeriequeenofthewest

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jackiekeswick · 7 years

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Book Chat With GR Lyons

My guest today is author GR Lyons and he brings, for our entertainment, Second Chances, the first book of the Matchmaker Trilogy. While I’ve created fictional towns, all my fictional “worlds” have been fantasy or sci-fi. GR Lyons sets his stories in a fictional, contempoary world and I’m very interested to see how this works out… Second Chances (Matchmaker Trilogy, Book #1) Length: 328 pages…

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#Book Chat #GR Lyons #guest author

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blackheartsfiction-blog · 10 years

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52: Man on Fire

MAX

I wasn’t synced.

Nothing worth anything was clicking because I wasn’t flowing the way I needed to.

I’d had constraints before, specific time frames to work off of. I did jobs. Local magazines, blogs, logos, a couple book covers and commissioned pieces all of which I could pull together without much difficulty. With a concentrated effort to sort the contents of my mind, I could accomplish what I needed to but now that wasn’t happening. It wasn’t so much the pressure to perform. My show was coming up, in a matter of days and another had been tentatively scheduled for two weeks from then. The owner of the gallery I was showing at had taken a special interest in me after she got wind of all the hype surrounding my show. Anybody invited had confirmed and even more were contacting her about securing invites and she was falling all over me because of it. The gallery I was presenting at was prestigious. In a stuffy, sell-one-painting-a-month way but she wanted new life breathed into the place and more importantly, new income.

I represented that.

Auctions online for a group of my paintings had already grossed thousands. This time I knew I was on the cusp of something great. My big break was right there but to me, still not there. I couldn’t focus and if I couldn’t channel something, I would be next month’s old news. That’s how it went in a city like this. The notion of being a starving artist might seem authentic, bohemian to some but that ideal lost its appeal when you had responsibilities. I had a talent and only an idiot wouldn't attempt to profit off that. I couldn’t afford to squander any opportunities I was given. Gallery lady, in between sexual innuendos and eyeing my crotch, told me to relax and to hone in on the subjects that came to me natural.

And that was the female form.

I had a catalog of paintings and sketches of various women. Ones I saw on the subway, ones I passed as I walked, even a few I recalled from memory. I was doing just that now, only it wasn’t working out the way I had expected. Scissors down, I stared at her, disturbed by what my brain had come up with. I had put her back together but not all the parts matched.

“I’m sorry,” I said dazed. “I know you’re not supposed to look like that but I’m doing my best.”

I really had but the cut lines, my uncooperating coordination and extreme fatigue had made her disfigured. I think if she were still alive and whole she'd ask why I had done this to her. I’d have no real answer. Things just were now. For the last two hours I’d been imagining that actual body parts lay in front of me but only paper did. I had painted that girl, the nameless one I had fucked twice. She was sitting, back turned, hair pinned up. I’d captured her the best I could remember but I had hacked away at my hard work and in frustration tried to put her back together again. It was a failed mission but I wasn’t giving up. I never gave up when I got like this. Label it plain stubbornness or madness but something in my being refused to let go even when I knew I should. I stood up changing my viewpoint.

Fragmented.

The girl was fragmented, indicative of how I was coming to view the opposite sex. I saw them in parts sometimes. The curve of their lips, the round of an ass, the shape of breasts. I tried to sew all of the pieces together, see them as a man should: whole but it wasn’t working all the time and even when it did, I didn’t see any woman for who she was. I did a bait and switch, supplementing them for one person.

The only person affecting my mind and heart completely.

I wondered what she was doing, how she was doing. I had no way of knowing. Her number was off the grid, even her new Twitter account had barred me. Those that knew anything wouldn’t dare tell me anything. I had made myself into the enemy. That was proved when I went back to Brooklyn to pick up the rest of my belongings. I thought I had strategized a time when I was least likely to run into anybody but low and behold there were two of my former roommates exiting. Liam’s disapproval was obvious but Leah’s anger reached out to strangled me. I think she wanted to do just that as she stood there, regarding me like I was a stranger. No, it was worse than that. You gave a stranger indifference, Leah gave me hatred.

She asked me one very simple question: why?

That was what I had asked myself over and over, what ate at me while I sat up night after night. I could’ve given her a thesis on the topic but it all came down to one inevitable face.

I looked a once friend in the eye, ashamed but unable to steer myself from the truth. “Because,” I said remorsefully “She’s her.”

Her glare intensified because that wasn’t what she wanted to hear. If I were her, I’d have the same reaction to some half-life standing in my face with that bullshit of a response too but that was the only way to explain what I felt. I became inhumane, I used my bare hands and maimed the one person I loved more than anyone for that very reason. She meant too much to me.

Ayanna was everything.

My drug of choice, my religion, my very reason for getting up in the morning.

There was no way I could ever let her go. There was no way that I could allow her to take one step away from me because my greatest fear was that if she did, she would never come back. I loved her enough to want to destroy her. That was sick. It was condescending, narcissistic but that’s how it all added up in my brain. Don’t ask me why but every instinct told me to hold her that tight. Leah saw that. I was so disillusioned, such a poor excuse of my previous self that she pitied me.

Almost but not quit.

Her indignation and loyalty wouldn’t make room for that.

She came closer to me, stood toe to toe to me while her finger jabbed me in the chest. “You stay away from her,” she said eyes narrowed. “I’m pretty sure you have zero credibility after all of your stunts but she loves you so there’s always a chance. She’s forgiven you before, she could do it again but you can’t give her that opportunity. If you actually love her, you won’t show yourself, you won’t attempt to contact her, you won’t make yourself a part of her life. If you actually love her, you’ll go away and you won’t back.”

Liam gently took her arm, pulling her away. He was as put off by her tone the same way I was. He gave me a warning look as they left but Leah made me want to shrink into myself. It was the scariest I had ever seen her. She had tapped into that part of herself for Ayanna. I was almost seeing Ayanna through her eyes. For Leah to pull off a mafia vibe, Ayanna had to be in bad shape and of course she was. She was like this butterfly and I had done my best to break off her wings.

I nodded at Leah’s advice. I agreed with it but that didn’t mean I could follow it. This was a reprieve but no amount of separation would be permanent. It just couldn’t be so I was laying and I was waiting. At first I managed to keep myself occupied but then I found myself sitting on the block. The brownstone five doors down was unoccupied, there was no one to take issue with someone squatting on their stoop. I just needed to see her. I ended up hearing her first.

“I bet you’ll be hanging onto me next time,” she joked.

I peered from my hiding spot and saw her climb off of a motorcycle, a helmet in hand. She fluffed out her hair and winked.

“You know I can do that now.” Mosai the Motherfucker picked her up, held her ass as he carried her up the stairs. Ayanna laughed as they kissed.

If I wasn’t intimately involved, if I had no connection, if my stomach wasn’t in knots at the sight of them, I’d take them as inspiration. They were the couple I’d want to emulate. It occurred to me that I could’ve had that. If it weren’t for the abuse and the humiliation and my ego. I should’ve gotten angry. I expected myself to but when rage didn’t come, despair did. This all-encompassing loss. It hit me with such force that I had to check my chest to see if I was bleeding out. It felt like I’d been shot clean through. I don’t know how I did it before, I had to have put on those red glasses because there was no way to ignore how they looked. It was past attraction now, past infatuation and curiosity. What was happening between them was real and it was crushing every part of me. I looked away, cleared my throat but I didn’t wipe the tear that ran down my face.

Crying, secluded and going out of my fucking mind, I watched my life slip out of my hands.

Ayanna was happy, content with this dude and why wouldn’t she be? He’d never placed a hand on her. He’d never verbally attacked her or disrespected her in the ways I had. He was safety, I was danger. He was peace, I was dysfunction. I represented wrong and he was all things right. He’d been a threat before but now he wasn’t even that. He was winning. He was taking what was mine. I’d lost, any sane man could see that, would let go but my resolve refused to falter. Until we reached some type of understanding, I was bidding. Everyday I sat on her or the motherfucker’s place. It was the only way to have time with her. Not today though.

Hearing footsteps in the hall, I put away my sliced painting, pulled my hair up and got back to what I should’ve been doing all this time.

“How’s it coming along?”

Joelle stood there, a satin robe tied around the tiny bump where her stomach was. A normal person might not be able to tell that she was showing but I had noticed it immediately. The evidence of our baby was the only thing keeping my head screwed on semi-straight. I motioned for her to come closer. When she did, I peeled back her robe and kissed her stomach. She allowed that and only that. After my confession, things had changed between us. for one, we weren’t having any sexual contact. She didn’t treat me to anything special, her housewife special was off the table. We didn’t even sleep in the same room, hince me camping out in her spare bedroom, or the future nursery. I retreated away and traced my finger against the longest wall, the design just in pencil now. A child-friendly jungle landscape was going to be here in a rainbow of colors. When she had turned in last night, I’d been here working and eight hours later I was still awake and considering what a mess I had become.

“It’s going,” I said stretching my arms out.

“You stayed up all night again, didn’t you?”

“It’s what I do now,” I replied stripping off my shirt. “It’s not like I can rest anyway.”

I knew how I looked. My hair was a tangled mess and I had an caveman beard growing. My eyes displayed exhaustion and I’d been in the same sweats since two days ago. I didn’t look great and most of me didn’t care. Joelle did.

“How long are you going to do this? You look like you’re about to fall over, you walk around like a zombie mumbling to yourself. You go missing for days and you stare at things for no apparent reason. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen you put anything in your mouth. How long do you think you’re going to be a vegetable because I need a timeline?”

“Joe, I’m trying to--”

“A week, a month, are you going to be like this when the baby comes or are you going to be dead by then?” Joelle folded her arms and gave me a pitied look. “Look, I get that you miss her and you might not know how to handle all of this but I think you know your current methods aren’t helping. Sorry if I’m being blunt but this needs to be said before you just blow away. You did this Max. You pushed Ayanna away. You’re the reason why she shut you out and it’s not a huge chance that she’ll forgive you. Deal with that, don’t fall apart because of it. Be better. You do have someone else to be concerned about.”

Her words came from a tough love place but I wasn’t in the mood to receive it. I was trying to keep easy, be calm around her for the sake of her stress level and what that could mean for our baby but at this point, I didn’t need her mentioning Ayanna’s name.

“Is it okay if I ask you not to address her? At all. I know what I did, you reminding me of everything doesn’t improve that. I know you’re still going over what I told you. It shows in how you act around me, or don’t for that matter. I don’t want to knock heads with you. I can find some place else to stay.”

Joelle looked away. “You don’t have to do that unless you want to. I’m puking all the time, I’m irritable and I maybe I’m jealous.” That was a comment I decided not to respond to. “That’s fucked up right, that I have envy for someone who you hurt? Well I do and I’m not proud of that, I just get the feeling that you’re never going to get past this.”

She voiced what I already know. “I’m trying,” I said. “I’ll clean myself up…” That pause there was meant to be “eventually” but I thought better of it. She didn’t respect me already, lying to her would only contribute to that. I touched her arms, cautiously sweeping hair away from her face. “I’ll try to clean myself up. Not even for me but for the baby.” She stared at me, not believing a word I said. I didn’t blame her. I wasn’t very convincing. “I need to get ready. I have that thing today.”

That thing was the Spin Thrift Alley at “one of the most diverse and dynamic festivals in the country.” That was some quote I read somewhere but it was true. AfroPunk had everything from mosh pits, bike shows, food trucks and a varied list of performers. Rock bands, trip-hop, R & B--there was something for every music taste and eye. People watching was a major sport there. You could find colorful hair, creatively place piercings and fashion that was something for another world. The women also seemed to be a pull for the male attendants.

Rodney was one of them.

He’d volunteered there for that reason only.

During the summer he’d gone through yet another girlfriend and was looking to “climb back on the horse.” I didn’t bother to say anything to that as we loaded several of my paintings and boxes of merchandise later that morning. I had everything from t-shirts to iPhone cases and printed tote bags. Since he was the only person I knew with access to a van, he was my assistant by default. I was putting in the last box when I noticed Joelle at the window. She put her hand up and I nodded back. I didn’t know what our relationship was now and the general awkwardness wasn’t lost on Rodney.

He blew Joelle a kiss and she immediately left the window. “Those are those infamous pregnancy hormones I’m witnessing right? Because you and I both know that women love them some of this.”

I got in the passenger seat, continuing my sullen silence. I wasn’t in the mood for conversation, not that I would catch a break from him.

“So,” Rodney said, “what’s up with you fam? Mrs. Robinson is with child and I’m picking you up at her place, there anything you want to tell me about?”

“We’re living together. Was that what you were looking for?”

“That shit is apparent. What I’m trying to figure out is how that’s playing out with Ayanna. Two times now I haven’t seen you with her and I heard from my source aka the girl Gia, that she isn’t registered for fall semester. She dropped your emo ass didn’t she?”

I turned my face to the window, attempting to keep from breaking the glass. When I didn’t speak he carried on.

“Oh shit, she really did? Yo, check outside real quick and make sure the sky isn’t falling. She found out about your illegitimate baby, didn’t she? I told you that wasn’t going to fly man. Ayanna knows what she’s working with. Ain’t no way in hell she trying to stick around for your drama.”

As usual he had it wrong. “We have another issue,” I said tersely. “One I’m not going to discuss with you now or any other time so drop the fucking subject.”

At the light Rodney looked over and found me fuming. I scowled at him. It was the kind of look that told you to keep quiet before something unfortunate happened. He took the hint and put his hands up in defense.

“Consider it dropped my man but I have a suggestion. Get rid of the serial killer vibes before we get there. I’m trying to bag a bad one and you looking like the one who flew over the cuckoo’s nest is guaranteed to scare the honies away.”

“That would be a good thing. I’m not trying to attract anything but business.”

“Yeah until you get your eyes on Baby Momma: Part II.” I fixed him with another look. “Sorry. That was too soon.”

We made it to Commodore Barry Park and to my designated vendor table. I began to set up while all Rodney did was try his luck with every mildly-attractive female that strolled around. By noon, THEESatisfaction the DJ pair were performing, droves of people near the green stage. Things picked up in the market, several people stopping by my area. Girls flirted with me, asking about my artwork, the inspiration behind it all that other bullshit women brought up to start conversation. I did my best to be cordial and not snap on anyone handing me cash. I was doing alright until I started scanning the crowd. I was holding onto this small hope that I might see Ayanna. We’d gone to AfroPunk every year. I know things were infinitely different this time but that slim chance was all I was holding near.

I had false starts all over the place.

One girl with a turban and oversized earrings had the same silhouette, another had similar hair and I could’ve sworn I heard her voice in the mix. It was like I was projecting her on every chick but there was no confusion when I saw a familiar face approach. I cursed under my breath, feeling the urge to walk in the opposite direction but I couldn’t hide. That would just show how much of a coward I really was. She was with that white girl again, the Lana Del Rey impersonator who’d been way too close to Ayanna that night. Yoshi, with her tiny waist and side-show ass drew every male eye but her focus was squarely on me. And not in a good way. She strolled over to the booth and looked me up and down before scoffing.

“Look at this Kristina,” she said, “the motherfucker actually has the audacity to show his face in public.” Yoshi flashed me a sardonic look, filled with hatred. “Shouldn’t you be under a rock or better yet, dead?” Smiling darkly, she inspected one of my t-shirts. “You know Max that last one can always be arranged.”

It was then that I noticed a guy standing behind them. He was close enough to let me know he was with them but far enough not to cramp her space. Her statement caused him to nod at me, acknowledging her threat. I knew what Yoshi did, a lot of people did but she was careful enough to keep herself clean of any involvement. I was guessing that with a snap of the fingers Queenpin here would have her help make something happen to me. Rodney stood, the energy here causing him to be serious for once. I was hoping it was that but it was probably the ex-video vixen standing here in the flesh.

“Hey, Max you want to introduce me?” he asked.

I wasn’t allowed to. “I’m Yoshi,” she said, “and my girl’s name is Kristina. You are?”

“Rodney Jenkins. I’m a big fan of your work. How is it you know my buddy?”

“We have a common factor. Ayanna’s an old friend,” she said staring at me like the piece of shit I was. “One your boy left a mark on. Several really.”

My face began to burn with shame. Of course she knew about what happened. Before I’d been blocked, I’d seen the picture of Ayanna. She’d done some modeling for Yoshi’s clothing brand. They were friends reunited and now co-workers. It didn’t matter how much she was aware of, she knew enough.

“Yoshi, I--”

She shook her head. “You don’t have anything to say to me because you have no excuse. After everything my girl’s been through, you do that to her? I always thought that shy, innocent shtick of yours was cute but you had everyone fooled didn’t you? It’s always like that. The quiet motherfuckers, the ones who have the nice boy routine down are usually the foul ones. The ones that sneak up on you and have you in cooling in a body bag. You better count your stars and thank whoever you pray to that Ayanna wised up and dumped your triflin ass because if you had put her on a slab, you’d be the next one to go. Now maybe we haven’t been attached at the hip in the last years but mamí is forever and always my ace and I’ll ride out for her any day. You probably got this PSA from Leah but let me reiterate: fuck off.”

She came up to me closer. “You’re a bitch. A pathetic one at that. Next time, try to pick on someone your own size. I could set that up for you but with the folks I know, you wouldn’t last five minutes.” Yoshi linked hands with the white girl, who gave me the same glare. “Rodney, you might want to watch the company you keep. People have been known to get got together.”

Yoshi walked away while I found a chair, covering my face with my hands. This day just kept getting better and better.

“What does that mean?” Rodney asked. “Watch the company I keep.”

“Nothing,” I grumbled.

“It’s not nothing if she went through all of that in the name of Ayanna. What’s going on?” I was too disgusted with myself to reply. “She said something about you leaving a mark but that couldn’t mean...no, you wouldn’t do that, not to Ayanna, not to any woman. That’s not your calling card.”

He was trying to give me the benefit of the doubt but was still making my anger grow exponentially. “Is that what you want to hear? That I’m perfect, that I’ve never lost my temper with her? Well I did. I fucked up because that’s me now: Max equals Fuck-up. I hurt her, okay. I’m the bad guy.”

He shook his head at me in disbelief, all of his usual playfulness gone. “Yeah, you are the bad guy, the fucking twisted one. We both grew up the same way, with some no-count nigga slapping our moms around just because they felt like it and you go repeat that? I always knew you were off but now I know you’ve really lost your mind. I ain’t never seen anyone fall over a girl like you did. Years you been running after her like a damn puppy and when you finally get her, you lay hands? I’m not cool with that and I can’t be down with anybody who is. Big Booty was right. I do need to watch who I associate with. We not boys no more. You need help. Serious, strapped-to-a-table help and I’m not the one to give it to you.”

Rodney backed away from me, giving me the same look of disappointment everyone was granting me these days. “You need to clean your stuff up and until you do, we dead. Enjoy your show because I sure as hell won’t be attending.”

I stood there.

Alone.

Wanting to be out of my skin.

Wanting to climb out of my body and disappear.

But there I remained, wearing every one of my wrongs.

This was me now, drenched in my sins. Every mistake, every act was draping me and I couldn’t throw it off. The gasoline was already there but now everything had triggered the match. I was being engulfed with the flames of my own personalized hell.

I was the man on fire.

And nobody was going to put me out.

This shit felt permanent because my pain had always been. Our snap altercation had attracted curious stares. I didn’t meet anybody’s eyes except for one. An emerald green set stared at me unflinchingly, the owner of them a masterpiece. She was beautiful but not in a customary way. Her looks were almost cruel, hardened in a way. She had on regular festival attire, thrifted denim shorts, crop top and boots. Athletic but still shapely and ethnically ambiguous. She had enough melanin to qualify for any race. Her hair was red. Not orange but deep scarlet like an anime character but for whatever reason it suited her. I realized I was staring but she didn’t take offence. She watched me like she was seeing through me. I didn’t like it and since she could tell that, I got a cynical smile.

I looked away, trying not to seem affected. I looked back over and she was gone. Not moved to a different position in the crowed but gone. I thought I had imagined her for a moment but I wrote the strangeness off. I had more things to worry about than some girl pulling disappearing acts. I worked the rest of the day, turning up the charm to sell out my stock. I really had no choice since my ride was gone. By evening, I was down to my last three t-shirts. I gave them away to a group of girls and packed it up, turning in my vendor number. I left AfroPunk, my mind swimming from everything.

Naturally, I wanted a drink to toast my misery.

Coming across a small bar, I went in. I downed a shot of tequila and one bourbon before I settled with a beer. I wasn’t even a drinker like that but I needed something to bring me down. I knew I wasn’t muddled enough when I saw who had entered the bar. I stood, moved before I even thought about what I was doing. I tapped on her shoulder, held my breath and felt my heart end up on the floor.

“Hi, can I help you with something?”

I blinked repeatedly, removing my hand. “No, I-I thought you were someone else,” I said stammering.

“That’s too bad,” the girl that wasn’t Ayanna said.

She returned to her drink while I stood there dumbfounded. Sure I’d been having sights all day but I thought...it was her. I was so sure. I knew but apparently my instincts had gone to complete shit. I made it back to my seat, feeling as low as ever. I’d said it before and I’d say it again, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be out here like this, jonesin and mistaking anyone five foot two for her. I had to talk to Ayanna. I had to see her, if only to fall on my knees and beg for her forgiveness. Something had to give. Only one person could help me and I had just enough gumption to ask her. Five very tense minutes later, I had put my phone down, accomplishing my task but there were no guarantees.

I sat back, rubbing my forehead in frustration. “Fuck me,” I groaned.

“I would but we just met.”

I sat up straight and frowned. It was better to do that instead of cringe. She was even more startling up close. It was her, the girl from the festival. I thought she was a mirage but she was real and she was standing right in front of me.

I swallowed, not sure of why I was instantly scrambled because of her. “Was there something you needed?” I asked lowering my voice in an attempt to bolster my confidence. I didn’t fool her. She was staring at me like I was prey and it was feeding time.

“I need that seat. It’s the only one left in the place.” I tried not to shift away as she sat down beside me. “So,” she said, “I saw you out there today. You didn’t look too happy to be around, which only means one thing. What’s her name?”

Her inflection was Caribbean. It gave a tinge to her voice, making her sound throaty. She sounded like sex. Unfortunately, it drew me in. I was so preoccupied that I didn’t catch what she’d said. “Huh?”

She grinned. “Her name? The woman you’re sitting alone pinning about, the one who is holding your heart in the palm of your hand. I used to have one of those you know, a heart but it bled out for this guy. He was working for me at one point, made me massive amounts of money. He was calloused, ruthless and god, it turned me on. If he only knew how much I wanted to…” She touched her chest like she was in the middle of an explicit moment. “I would’ve screamed whatever name he wanted me to use.” She nodded, her eyes glazed over as she remembered what I couldn’t fathom. “He had this list of aliases but in the end he was just Cassius, a lost little boy too caught up in his childish emotions. He had everything, he could’ve had the world but he couldn’t stop his obsessions over her. He was counterproductive in the end and I have no use for that.”

“Okay,” I said slowly. She had ventured off and I wasn’t following.

“That’s enough about me. Her name,” she said again, “what is it?”

“Ayanna. She’s my rock. I love her. It’s more than that really but I did the unimaginable. I screwed everything up. She didn’t like what was going on and she left. I don’t blame her for that.”

I wasn’t clear on why I answered her, I guess I just needed to unload on someone who didn’t think the worst of me already. Who else would be willing to listen to me? I told the scary/intriguing girl more, used her like the therapy I was no longer seeking. She listened intently, hanging onto my every word but her interest meant something else entirely.

Summarizing my thoughts, I sighed and said, “I don’t really like my life right now.”

She bit her lip as if she understood. “You know what I don’t like Max? Wife beaters. You’ve avoided labeling yourself that this whole time and I get that you don’t want to believe who you are, denial is usually the first reaction but it’s time for you to accept what you are and in my book, that’s lower than scourge. You’re not even in the league of maggots, you’re more comparable to bacteria. My research tells me that you're an artist, a good one at that so instead of my usual special, I’ll let you off easy.”

There was no room, no time to react before a shock of pain shot up through my right hand. The decorative statue on the table was heavier than it looked, or maybe it was just the amount of force she put behind it but my hand was now defective. I wasn’t a doctor but you didn’t need a medical background to know that your knuckles were broken. I couldn’t move my hand but right now I was more concerned with the venom in my assaulter’s eyes. She fingered the end of her braid casually, a smile painted on her lips as she leaned closer. She looked like my girl or at least someone trying to take the role. In reality, she was the person capable of ending my life in more than a hundred ways.

I gritted my teeth, breathed in short spurts as she playfully stroked my arm. “You’re lucky this is only a warning and not a final notice. If it were up to me, I’d take my time and snap everyone of your fingers in half. I kind of like the sound it makes.” She took my chin in her fingers, kissing me with tongue. “Stay away from Ayanna. For you she doesn’t exist. Remember that the next time you go moaning on and on about her. I don’t want to get a call about you again. If I do, you and me are going to have a little fun. I’ll lay you down, ride you and when you’re right there, just about to come inside, I’ll split you ear to ear. I like to feel the blood splatter and it’s warmth.”

She stood and I felt the urge to piss on myself. “This message was brought to you by Mosai. A little incentive for you to fade into the background. And me, I’m Fiona but if we meet ever again, just call me Finney.”

She disappeared and I was left with the cold feeling in my gutt. There was nothing comical about losing mobility in one hand and getting a death threat all in one sitting but suddenly I was laughing uncontrollably. So Mosai was this serious. No guy would go through hiring a real-life assassin to teach me a lesson if they weren’t. I applauded that he was this adamant about Ayanna being protected but it wasn’t going to change how I felt.

If anything, my determination was that much stronger.

A ripped apart chest, a crushed hand and the heaviest heart in the city. Ayanna had inadvertently and inadvertently left an impact on me.

Now all you have to do is return the favor.

That familiar voice came out of nowhere, freezing me in place. Eventually, I got up holding my hand and swallowing back my unrelenting fear. I shook my head in denial. Just like last time, I convinced myself that I hadn’t heard anything at all ♥

#max #black hearts #contempoary fiction #original fiction #serial fiction #fiction #lit #posts

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kumaree · 10 years

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Sucks to be left out of adolescence, sort of like getting locked in the closet on Venus when the sun appears for the first time in a hundred years.

The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz

#the brief and wondrous life of oscar wao #junot diaz #contempoary fiction #adolescence

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chicklitcafe · 4 years

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Better with You by Hattie Lou - Book Review

Better with You by Hattie Lou – Book Review

Purchase “Better with You by Hattie Lou”

Better with You by Hattie Lou

Harper Tate and I had a unique bond. We started out as friends but ended up dating. He was the center of my world until one day when he just up and left without a trace. Tate left behind two important things, his baseball glove and my broken heart. Tate I knew from the first moment I met Harper that she was special. She was…

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#authors #best selling books #Better with You by Hattie Lou #book marketing tips #book promotion sites #book review #chick lit cafe #contempoary romance #contemporary fiction #goodreads #romance #story #writers #young adult books

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blackheartsfiction-blog · 10 years

Text

49.2

MAX

I couldn’t hold my head up.

Not even a little bit.

Sitting here had me wanting to disappear because if that could happen, I wouldn’t have to face my fear. One of them anyway. She’d always been something I was deathly afraid of losing and now my worst wish could be realized. After last night, after the last month, she had every right to walk away and not look back. I was just praying that she didn’t. The only thing was, I didn’t think God was picking up my calls. I wasn’t one of the good guys anymore. I had some merit before, some background to my mistakes but that was no more. My actions now proved that I wasn’t worth saving.

“The longer you stay here, the harder it will be to get out. You owe her Max.”

I looked over at Joelle, the woman who held my child inside her. She screamed to be pregnant, doing the absolute most to guarantee that my seed lay in her womb, but now I would bet anything that she regretted her pursuits. She wanted a baby, just not one by me. I wasn’t the man she thought I was, I wasn’t even the person I thought I was. I was only a simple kid from the Bronx who found an outlet in art. I loved one woman and cared deeply for another. All I wanted to do was live free and make something out of myself. Nothing about me was super extraordinary, nothing so interesting except my tendency to become someone else. I had these shifts where my personality fluctuated. It had happened ever since I was a kid; I’d be happy-go-lucky in one instant and then one to bash someone’s face in another. I had always tried to hold onto that first mood, not allow myself to descend in that other direction.

I’d never been on this level, so uncontrolled that I was crying, resentful and rage-filled in mere seconds. I had never caused blood shed or cracked a man in his jaw because my jealousy had reached a boiling point. I had never locked myself inside a bathroom, menaced or assaulted someone. And those weren’t even the worse offences. There was the manipulation tactics I practiced like sport, the baseless attempts at punishment and the crushing control I seemed to crave. So many times I had wanted her to feel pain, now I just wished for my own.

I wanted to die.

Suicidal thoughts were nothing new to me but they’d been the result of circumstances beyond my control, not an overabundance of guilt. I’d been wearing that like a second skin ever since I walked out of that hospital room this morning. I was seething, misguided indignation causing me arrogance but that came to a screeching halt when I saw my mother. She was sitting beside Joelle, her arm around her but when she looked up at me, there was only disappointment in her eyes. They showed me that video, the one where I went ape-shit in the middle of the party. It was well on its way to becoming viral, someone posting it to YouTube. My actions were out there for the world to see but I only cared about them seeing it. That footage proved me to be a liar. I don’t know why I doctored things. I wasn’t entirely sure why I did any of the things I did.

Under her gaze, I folded.

My ego deflated, my heart cracked and all the ugliness came oozing out. While Joelle waited in the living room, I entered my mothers cramped bedroom, her furniture the same from when she’d first came to New York. I sat on her bed, fingered the beads she had hung from her window and I spilled. I told her the abbreviated version of things, of how I treated Ayanna this whole time. I wasn’t man enough to talk about the abuse. My mother made me get on my knees at her alter, made me swear that I would never again raise my hand to a woman, then made me promise that I would go to Ayanna.

It seemed as impossible as it did now.

I texted her the best collection of my thoughts, apologizing the pathetic way--over text. I wasn’t expecting her to respond but she had, telling me to come back to Brooklyn. I was here, I was just having a hard time stepping out of Joelle’s car. I rubbed my eyes, wincing when I over extended and tugged too hard at my stitches. I wasn’t even supposed to be out here with painkillers in my system. There was discomfort, the deep soreness leaving me winded but what I was going through was nothing compared to what I had put her through.

Unsympathetic, Joelle threw a water bottle in my lap, my prescription landing next. I took my next dosage, already thankful for the next wave of numbness it would bring me.

“Do you need me to stick around or what?” she asked, tone terse.

“If you could hang out for a few, I would appreciate that. I wanted to thank you. For everything.” I leaned over, planning to kiss her cheek but she shifted away.

“Don’t mention it,” she said staring straight ahead.

Very slowly I got out and proceeded down the street. I climbed the brownstone steps, getting my key out but when I went to put it in, it wouldn’t fit. Upon closer inspection I saw that the lock was completely different. I rang the doorbell, knocked a few times but there was no answer. Confused, I went back to the sidewalk then down the uneven stairs to the basement. I got in that way only to find everything I owned placed neatly by the entrance. My paintings were wrapped meticulously, my supplied packed with care. The basement was clean.

That’s when it dawned on me what was happening here.

I just didn’t believe it was actually happening.

I was staring around at what had once been my home studio, when I noticed the old-school stereo I had rescued years ago. The sign said to “play.” When I pushed the correct button on the tape deck, I heard a hoarse voice.

Ayanna’s voice.

There was a pause before she started in.

“I underestimated you. Ever since those wannabe down posers had you hemmed up on that park bench. I knew you weren’t an invalid but after I heard your story, the need to protect you was real. I might’ve been domineering in a lot of ways but that was only because I cared. Because in one night, you became my new family. I never really had one of those, not the kind I wanted, so I thought I could build that with you. We were that perfect duo, down for the cause, there for each other from the jump. I did my best to do for you and ultimately, you show your thanks in blows. I had this silly idea in my head when it first happened. For some reason I thought I could deal with it. Once is a mistake right? Well what about the fifth, sixth and seventh time? What would you refer that as? What would you call your hands around my throat or better yet, you prying my legs apart? We can’t go anywhere from here because right now you feel foreign to me. I never thought I’d say this but you feel dead to me. That’ll change of course. I’ll want you around again. I’ll want to sit barefoot on your work table and watch you create. I’ll want your warmth beside me in bed. I’ll probably even want you inside me for nostalgia's sake. All those memories will form in my head and then disintegrate right there because there’s no coming back from this. My humiliation, this time, outweighs any good recollection I could ever have. All you mean to me now is pain. You’re permanent damage and carnage and emotional abandonment. You’ve had bombs before but one time, you’re just going to explode and the fallout is going to be nuclear. I’m not going to be in the path of that and neither is anyone I care about.”

She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “If you hadn’t already noticed, you don’t live here anymore and you’re not welcome to visit in any shape or form. Your things are in storage, the details of that in an email I sent you. I hope you enjoy spending your nights with ole girl, you should, it’s not like you ever actually left her in the first place.”

Another time, she breathed in and out. “I’m not over you. Might not ever be but that’s just how shit goes. I loved you. In a fucked up way, I still love you but that’ll never been enough. The same way we bring out the best in each other, we drag out the worse. Now we have to separate. Now we have to walk away and piece it all together again. Now we have to purge.”

The tape clicked, signalling the conclusion.

I stood there for a while then walked out, bumping into one of my paintings. It was supposed to be done in the Day of the Dead fashion but it had lost that quality for a more realistic one. Ayanna was sprawled out on the ground, her body battered beyond recognition. What I thought was a masterpiece, now made me sick. I turned it over, backed away and went back to Joelle’s car. When I got in, saying nothing, she concluded the obvious.

“I take it things didn’t go great.”

It took a minute for me to find my voice. “They didn’t go at all. I don’t have anywhere to live.”

Joelle shook her head. “So she kicked you out, you had to expect that. You’re not homeless. You’re mother will take you in in a heartbeat. Your room is still there.”

I looked at her in disbelief. “I’ll post up on a park bench before I ever lay my head there again.” When she could tell that was no bluff, Joelle sighed.

“Fine. You know I won’t have you out there like that. You can stay with me, you’re pretty much doing that already, but if we’re going to do this, I need the whole truth about you and Ayanna.”

I didn’t want to do this again.

I wasn’t even processing that I’d been cut off by the most important person in my life.

“You know enough,” I said.

“And I know there’s more. Magdalena is too sweet, too beautiful of a person, you’d never break her heart again by telling her everything but you and me don’t have that. We’ve always been honest.” She rethought that. “Or you have. Don’t change that now.”

I didn’t know where to begin with this. In what place, did you start to tell someone how you sometimes became a monster? “I did things to her...I hurt her, emotionally, spiritually and most of all physically.” I stared out the window, hearing Ayanna choke back a sob as she withered underneath me. “And putting my hands on her isn’t even the worst part. I didn’t take ‘no’ for an answer once.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means exactly what it sounds like.”

I felt Joelle burning a hole in the side of my head but I couldn’t look at her in the eye. “Max.” I said nothing. “Max,” she said sharper. With my head lowered, I slowly turned to meet her gaze but now she couldn’t manage to do the same. She was cradling her stomach, a look of stunned terror on her face.

“I can’t explain it,” I said in a whisper. “I’ve never felt like this with anyone. She is my world, the whole of it and then it’s like she’s the bain of my existence. I just...she just...Ayanna makes me crazy.”

“So you violate her? Is that what you’re going to do to me if I piss you off enough? Have you done it before?”

I scratched my neck. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

“It’s simple, have you forced yourself on another woman besides her?”

The girl from the party came to mind. The one I couldn’t even call by name. “I had another encounter but I don’t know to qualify it. I ran across this female and we--” I corrected myself. “I fucked her in an alley. We hooked up yesterday, at the party. Whatever went down the first time, she didn’t complain last night.” My face burned from the immense shame covering me. “Joelle, that isn’t me. There’s these times when I’m not myself. I do bad things in that mind frame, I don’t feel bad about it. Now I do. Now I know that something is wrong with me. Now I know that I need help.”

“Until your alter-ego decides that you don’t right? I don’t buy that Max. I don’t believe that you have no control over yourself. The blame is on no one but you. How can I trust you again? You’re going to have a child soon. You can’t be like this. What if we have a girl? What if our daughter ran into someone like you? How would you feel then? You need to determine that because if you continue like this I will make sure you don’t see this baby. Ever. You’ve given me just enough evidence to make that happen.”

An ultimatum.

The biggest one I’d come up against.

I couldn’t not have my child in my life, which meant I couldn’t afford to estrange his or her’s mother. I couldn’t be without one more person. “Tell me what to do?”

“You are a grown man. It’s not my place to tell you anything. Get yourself together Max. I’ll help you however I can but this is it. I won’t have this conversation with you again. Do you understand that?”

“I do.”

I knew better than to touch her. Joelle was hard on the wheel as she jerked her car out of the space. The brownstone had my eyes as she pulled off. It’d been my home but at the end of the day it was only a structure. What made it more was her.

Ayanna.

I repeated her name like a mantra in my head, growing more and more desperate. I wasn’t going to last. I wouldn’t make it without her. Things couldn’t end like this. I had to make sure of that. Whatever I had to do, I would.

I was going to get her back.

"De una manera u otra," another voice whispered in my ear.

One way or another.

AYANNA

SBR Studio.

I wished I was dropping by this place under different circumstances.

It cost a pretty penny to come out with one of their designs but from what I’d heard, it was well worth the dough. The art that came out of here was purely original, the technique immaculate. They didn’t get complaints or pictures posted online from disgruntled customers. The work was that good, which was sort of a requirement when you were looking to get inked. There was nothing worse than bad lining, lackluster shading or an uninspiring finished product. I knew the reputation of the shop through word of mouth but now that I knew who the actual proprietor was, I could only guess at how high the standards really were but I wasn’t here to get tatted. I had other business and that was to beg for forgiveness.

I didn’t think my powers of persuasion were all that great so I had props to aid this operation. In my right hand was a bag from Bergdorf’s and in the other was one from Neiman Marcus. I didn’t usually go for those kind of establishments, they were too pretentious for me but I could tolerate the casual looks of suspicion. I don’t think a lot of chicks with unlaced Timb’s, sweatpants, wifebeaters and unruly hair rolled through on a daily basis but straight cash at the register spoke more than my appearance did. I was just hoping that the pricey spoils would help make amends because I really needed them to. Today I had drop kicked my friend/abuser to the curb, packed his crap and removed it from my vicinity. That wasn’t easy by any means but this would almost be as hard. I had inner turmoil but cleaning house and acknowledging what should be addressed was necessary.

Apologizing for the actions of Max was equally important.

I had called ahead, twisting his receptionist’s arm until it almost broke. It wasn’t company policy to give out the location of the boss but with my sparkling personality, I got the details. He was stopping into his office around 4pm so naturally, I was here at 3:15 sharp. I was seated in the shop’s extra-posh waiting area. The brick accent wall was tagged with purposeful graffiti, sleek and mod furniture balancing the space. You had your choice of imported water, any caffeinated or non-caffeinated drink you could dream of, cane-sugar sodas and an assortment of snacks for any diet. The attention to detail was obvious, the framed pictures of celebrity clients hanging in perfect lines. My eyes roamed over them all but stayed on one for the longest.

I’d never pictured him rocking a five o'clock shadow but he was sporting one while his arm was getting tattooed. His smile taunted the camera and any lady who found herself staring. He had a quality on film but in person he could knock you out. I was kind of feeling faint as I looked at him. The longing was still there, the overwhelming urge to call him making me fidget but I couldn’t juggle too many things right now. Having thoughts of Mosai invade was not the goal right now.

“Ayanna, you can come back now.”

A lanky blonde with the gnarliest beard and full sleeves of Konji led me up see-through stairs and into a glass walled loft. Behind the long desk, a high backed chair sat and in it was someone I had to win over.

“Are you just going to stand there?” he asked.

“Are you just going to not let me see you?” I replied.

“You first, baby love.”

I took a seat, anxious and expectant. “Now, you.”

The chair turned around dramatically. Once I got the full view, I could understand the theatrics. “Damn,” I said under my breath. Black and blues marred the edge of his jaw and a bandage was over the cheek I’d seen blood pour out of. An eye patch covered one eye. He lifted it, revealing an eyelid swollen shut. It was worse than I thought and nothing could've been more worse than that.

“You look terrible,” I said.

“Do I? Here I was thinking I looked like a tough guy.”

He had jokes.

And I had tears.

They came up out of nowhere and I think that scared him. Samir had seen a lot and dealt with more but consoling women in distress wasn’t his forte. The abruptness of me bawling had startled him and it had me too. The waterworks were in effect and there was no stopping them. After regaining his composure, Samir cleared his throat and motioned for me to stand. He held his arms out then wrapped them around me, petting my back.

“There, there,” he said. “I’m going to give you some advice. If at all possible, save your tears. Store them up for another date because this won’t be the only time you need them. That and you’re too pretty to cry. Shallow sure but fact. I know the destruction to my face is horrid but its not the end of the world. I was born beautiful, a few punches won’t change that.”

Again he was making light and it only made me feel worst. “I’m so sorry Samir. What he did...I’m disgusted. I caused this. I tried to find you but you got whisked away and I didn’t have your number. Stupid excuses but I was so fucking worried.”

Samir placed me back in my chair, wiping my face with tissue then holding it to my nose for me to blow. “ I can guarantee that I was far more concerned about you than myself.”

“Me?”

“You because I’m thinking that if that barbarian of a boyfriend of yours could do this to me, what the hell could be happening to you.”

“Nothing. Nothing anymore. I closed the book on that and strangely it had a lot to do with you. His problem isn’t just with me, it’s with everyone. I just can’t believe he did that to you.”

“Believe it and let that be a lesson to you. My godly fiance would never think of lifting a single finger against me but my ex from my uni days did. I was in the closet and he used it against me. Isolated me, even threatened to call up my devout parents back home and tell them about their son. Things continued to escalate and soon I was wearing head to toe clothes in the summer.”

I understood immediately. “He was laying hands,” I confirmed. “What did you do?”

“I did nothing. Mosai handled it. The man asked no questions about pummeling another man for me, he just did it. He was into things back then, dealing and scheming at his school in the hills , along with other things but he pulled out ninja moves that night. Told that fucker if he saw me again, even by accident, that he’d better cross the street, look the other way and forget about. Never saw the pig after that.”

Pride welled up in me.

Mosai had bodied a person for his best friend with no hesitation. Maybe I shouldn’t be celebrating violence but with him it was for protection purposes. “You have a great person in your corner.”

“As do you. I know I should protect his manhood and all that other bullcrap but Mosai is not over you, Ayanna. If you’ve closed the book, start another one with him. I know he’s a huge part of why you brought me bags from two of my favorite stores. You don’t want him to be upset with you.”

“You’re right, I don’t want him to get mad at me over this. You mean a lot to him. For someone in my camp to do that to you, it’s a poor reflection on me. I just don’t want him to view me worse than he already does.”

“He won’t, if you reach out.”

I looked away. “I can’t right now. Just try to keep this to yourself for as long as you can. It’ll give me time to sort some things.”

“I can do that.”

I got up, awkwardly stuffing my hands in my pockets. “We’ll, I gotta go. Enjoy the swag and again, I’m sorry.”

“Not so fast. Are you really and authentically done with the brute?”

“I really and authentically am.”

“Then you’re coming with me.”

Samir took his bags and my arm, dragging me out of his office. “Where are we going?’

“My house.”

“Which is…?”

“On Fire Island of course. It’s the only rainbow-acceptable place around here to get away.”

We were out the door already and headed to an underground parking garage nearby. “I can’t go to Long Island.”

“Says who?” He popped the locks on a jade green Jaguar. It was sex on wheels but I was more focused on him trying to kidnap me. “You need a vacation and I need seclusion for this face. Don’t worry about your things. I have concierge service. They’ll get you anything in an hour, including the best cannabis you could hope to inhale.”

The promise of weed won me over.

An escape sounded nice also.

I eased into the passenger seat and Samir put the top down. “Are we going to be a duo out there or is anyone else invited?” I asked.

Samir put on the YSL sunglasses I’d brought him and smiled over at me. “Just us. A gay man and the eye candy on his arm.”

I could’ve laughed. From humor not desolation.

That was a good sign.

One car and ferry ride over, my boots stepped out on white rock gravel. I was feeling no pain. I’d downed a cup of beer and sampled way too much from a bottle of peach Schnapps after being cajoled into dancing with a group of boys on the boat. When I pulled out my vogueing maneuvers, I’d gotten applause and strings of Mardi Gras beads. It didn’t seem possible but I was having some amount of fun. Samir held the box of takeout from the tiny restaurant we had encountered on the walk here. We’d lost his shiny toy on the other shore since Fire Island had a no car rule in the summer. You either trecked it or rode two wheels around these parts. The amount of food seemed like a lot for the two of us but I believed in leftovers. While he hauled in the eats, I was in awe of the property we approached. I had a pad in the Hamptons but it had some competition here. Three stories, wrap-around porch, massively big and right on the Atlantic.

If I thought the outside was cool, the inside was even more impressive. The decor was all white everything, splashes of color serving as strategic accents. If I weren’t so afraid of getting something dirty, I’d dive right in.

“Okay, keep it steady, what do you really do for a living, Samir?”

“Live art. The tattoo business is a good one, especially when your clients pay top dollar for it.” He went around a corner, to the kitchen I could guess. “My house is yours but I’m going to need a shoe removal.”

“Check,” I said, “as long as you don’t mind my Avengers socks.”

Samir laughed when I walked into the room. “I’m partial to Spider-Man but you’re in the Marvel family so you pass.”

I helped him get out plates and silverware, noticing that he’d put out an extra place. “You got an invisible friend I should know about?”

“It wouldn’t be the strangest thing about me. You mind grabbing wine? Red. Any year.” He walked me over to a door and gave me a nudge. “I just hate going down there but I do love to get a buzz.”

“It’s fine. I’ll save you the agony.”

I went down the stairs, feeling around for a light source. It wasn’t pitch but I couldn’t really decipher much in the dimness. Pair that with the unknown factor and I almost hit the roof when I heard a noise ahead of me. Finally I felt a panel and clicked it on. A light too bright flooded the area.

“I told you about that blasted light. Look man, you don’t have anything 1982. You don’t have anything 80’s adjacent. Why did you--”

He stopped talking when he saw me. I wasn’t Samir. The same Samir that had lied through his teeth and promised me that we’d be by ourselves. We obviously weren’t. There was a third part of this equation and he was staring at me with an indecipherable expression. I retreated back a step when he moved forward, unsure of his intentions but he shook his head in disappointment.

“Don’t do that to me,” he said quietly. “I’m not him Ayanna, I never will be.”

Just the way he said my name made my chest fill up. They said absence made the heart grow fonder but mine was only weaker. For him. I said that like it was a bad thing because it was. Feeling so shell-shocked by someone was never good. It meant that you were affected, that part of you, in a way, was dependent on them. I couldn’t be that in this moment.

But I was.

I didn’t care what might happen tomorrow or the next day, I was in the present and presently, I wanted to be next to him more than anything else. So that’s what I did. I crashed into him and he willingly took the impact. Pressed firmly against him, I exhaled, releasing that pent-up emotion he created. As his hand cradled my head and his arm held my waist, I glanced toward the ceiling, saying a silent thanks to whoever might be listening up there. This small piece of peace might not last, it was the calm in my storm, but my mental status was not in a state of emergency anymore.

I was okay now.

And so was Mosai ♥

#max #ayanna #black hearts #contempoary fiction #original fiction #serial fiction #fiction #lit #posts

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