#communicate so openly and willingly the same way i do but they are exactly that way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

crescairis · 3 years

Note

I was wondering if you had another source that otherlinkers were explicitly excluded from the original definition of otherkind in 1990? The source on AnOtherWiki leads to a 2001 FAQ that doesn't mention anything like that. Also, otherlinkers aren't the same thing as KFF.

(just as a warning, this is going to be a LONG post, but i'd rather not put it under the cut for archival reasons, in the case that for some reason this blog disappears)

firstly, i'd like to apologize for phrasing things as if KFFs and otherlinkers were the same thing; a better phrased way to say things would be for me to say that i think many KFFs would be otherlinkers, were they to acknowledge that their experiences don't fit the definition of otherkin.

something else i'd also like to note that i've been thinking about (while it isn't exactly related to this question) is that perhaps people are misinterpreting the terms "voluntary" and "involuntary".

i feel that many people think "voluntary" simply means the initial decision to willingly take on an identity, which is, in part, true! however, voluntary identities are very likely to become involuntary, simply because it becomes too emotionally/mentally difficult to separate oneself from the identity that they've chosen.

being drawn to something, or someone, enough to take it on as an identity can often be a sign of something deeper! i would see this as a form of awakening in and of itself—like cracking open a geode, or perhaps like putting on training wheels before you experience the real thing.

but back to your first question: the way i initially phrased that post was also rushed, as we were trying very hard to write it during a single lunch break at work.

the term otherlinker is a very recent invention (coined in 2018 on the alt-h discord server, while copinglink was coined in 2015 by who-is-page), as being otherkin has always largely been considered a serious, personal experience. only recently have people NEEDED to specify that it's involuntary, so the only sources i can give you are ones that cite otherkinity as being intended as a serious identity, as well as those that state that otherkinity is not as shallow as a game or roleplay.

also important to note is that many of these pages were made and existed before fictionkin were a largely documented (let alone accepted) presence, thus they are scarcely mentioned, (and typically with skepticism or even scorn,) save for on their own, smaller pages. for our own personal comfort, we will not be listing sources that discredit fictionkinity completely.

firstly, here's a full timeline of otherkin history by orion scribner, to show the scope we're looking at

Otherkin Lexicon by Orion Scribner: "Otherkin are real, non-fictional people who identify as other than human. Otherkin identify as creatures from myth and legend, usually elves, faeries, and dragons. This is a sincere identity, not role-play. Many otherkin identify as other than human for spiritual reasons; that is, they classify their identity as otherkin as a personal spiritual belief. Being otherkin is a very individualistic thing: each otherkin reaches his own explanation for how and why he is an otherkin. Some of their common spiritual explanations include that they are other than human in spirit, or they were other than human in past incarnations.187 Although spiritual belief is often involved, “otherkin” isn’t a religion. As such, each person who identifies as otherkin practices whatever religion he individually wants. It has always been the case that most of the otherkin community practices Neo-Pagan religions, and so that religious perspective shapes the common views and ideas in the otherkin community. Some otherkin don’t use spiritual explanations. Some otherkin believe that they are physically other than human, or that their ancestors were."

A Field Guide to Otherkin by Lupa: "The definition for Otherkin I will be using for this book is: a person who believes that, through either a nonphysical or (much more rarely) physical means, s/he is not entirely human. This means that anyone who relates internally to a nonhuman species either through soul, mind, body, or energetic resonance, or who believes s/he hosts such a being in hir body/mind, is in my own definition of Otherkin. Some people do have more stringent standards. However, for the purposes of this book, I am including a wider range of people.

"This is not a roleplaying game. When a person says s/he is a dragon, or a wolf, or an elf, s/he is not referring to a character that s/he only becomes during a gaming session. That which is Other is a constant part of the person; s/he is the Other at all times. Grey, a wolf therian,says it marvelously: “Perhaps I should say that if a being is a color, or a sound, I am two items merged to form a different color/sound. The two are within each other. Sometimes plain to see, sometimes deeply mixed.”"

A Simple Introduction to Otherkin and Therianthropes by Orion Scribner: "Some real people think of themselves as kinds of creatures from mythology. These people call themselves “otherkin.” An otherkin has the belief that he is a creature from mythology, such as an elf. He says that elf is his true self. It is his identity. This is real to him. It isn’t a pretend person that he plays in a game."

The Otherkin Resource Center: "1 : one who identifies with various mythological archetype as vehicles of spiritual evolution and self-expression, similar to Native totemism only with a stronger level of self-identification.

"2 : someone who believes in reincarnation, and that not all of their reincarnations were as a human."

What are Otherkin? by Tirl Windtree: "By far the most common explanation from those who fit the definition (even if they don't claim this specific label) is that whilst their physical forms may be human, their essence, soul or equivalent term is not.

"Of those, the majority make their claim based on reincarnation - what they have been in a previous incarnation so strongly affects their current incarnation that they still identify with it. Obviously this requires a belief in reincarnation, and in the transmigration of souls. Both are reasonably common in a number of religions and spiritual beliefs across the world."

"The most frequent accusation is that all otherkin are lost in fantasy, they've played one too many D&D games and gone over the edge. Personal study seems to indicate this is actually one of the least frequent explanations. Most roleplayers know they are roleplaying, even if they are also otherkin, and roleplaying can be a very useful tool in self exploration."

The Lostkin Project by Gazer: "Otherkin are the supernatural among us. They are the elves, dragons, nymphs, and trolls that used to live more openly amoung humankind. Some are from other dimensions and other places. You may occasionally see them refered to as Otherkind. Otherkin is the more generally accepted term."

Otherkin Coalition by Kreyas: "What is Otherkin?

In a nutshell, Otherkin are a coalition of people who share in common the belief that some internal part of them is somehow incongruent with the rest of the human race. Beyond that, beliefs vary too widely to classify them into any one group.

Some of the most common beliefs are that the soul is somehow different from human. This may go in hand with a belief in reincarnation and “imprinting” (in which a past life as another species leaves an imprint on the soul which is then carried over into the next life), or the individual may believe that this is his/her first life and they are simply different.

Above all, Otherkin is a spiritual belief.

"Are Otherkin really a bunch of delusional, socially maladaptive kids like I read on that website?

NO. As with any group, not everyone fits the stereotype. Any community is going to have its bad apples which stand out in people’s minds better than the typical members. In my experience, Otherkin are usually levelheaded and able to question their beliefs and function in human society.

"Is it a Roleplaying thing?

NO. While some Otherkin may participate in roleplaying, strictly speaking the beliefs are separate from the roleplay - even if they are roleplaying as their identified “kintype”."

Otherkin FAQ v 4.0.1 by Arhuaine, Miaren Crowsdaughrer, Thistile Kachunk, Golden Syrpent, Knight of Ghosts and Shadows, Jarin Dreamsinger and The Crisses: "The Otherkin are those people who believe themselves to be spiritually and/or physically other than human. While mythological species (elves, satyrs, fairies, dragons, and so on) are widely accepted as being included under the term "Otherkin", many people in the community prefer to include aliens, vampires, furries, extraterrestrial humans, and other nonhuman races. A mythological or literary equivalent is not necessary to be included under "Otherkin"; there are types of otherkin that have not shown up in known legends or fiction (star-dragons, Elenari, etc.)."

What are Otherkin, Anyway? by Adnarel: "Otherkin is a term that is generally used to describe people who, In some way or another, physical bodies aside, do not feel that they are “human” in the conventional sense of the word. We (they) feel as though their spirits are not human, nor have they ever been, despite our physical bodies and outward appearance. Some otherkin have testified that they feel that this is their first time on this plane of existence, a.k.a. Earth. Others feel that they have been here numerous times to teach and to heal people. Maybe once they were here in their “true forms”. Otherkin use the term “true form” to describe what they feel to be the shape and nature of their true selves."

What Are Otherkin? by Arhuaine:

"Put simply, someone who is Otherkin feels that they have a soul (or souls) other than human. Usually this encompasses what are commonly regarded as mythical beings such as elves, dragons, fae, satyrs and so on. A broader view of otherkin might also include therianthropes (were-creatures) and those with animal souls (such people are sometimes known affectionately as "furries"), and also perhaps people who consider their souls are alien (often called star-born). The lines between Otherkin and Furries or Star-born are often blurred.

"Most Otherkin feel for most of their lives as though they don't belong. Human society seems alien and unfamiliar in many ways. They may feel isolated and unhappy, yet unable to explain these feelings at first. Then, perhaps they may begin to remember a life other than their own. Sometimes it is not easy to understand such memories, and sometimes the awakening to Otherkin-ness is a difficult and frightening process, especially if they are going through it alone. It is something not easy to share with others, for fear that they may consider you crazy.

"Being Otherkin is not something to crave, nor is it glamorous. It is a difficult and lonely path to tread, and sometimes it seems to bring only sorrow. Memories of loved ones long lost, a home that can no longer be reached, cause great pain. And yet, the life of the Otherkin is not all sadness. It is a life filled with wonder and magic, and a way of looking at the world that humans can never understand. Because magic is so much a part of an Otherkin's outlook, they may be drawn to Paganism or other New-age philosophies."

Are You 'Kin? by Gazer: "To really find out if you are otherkin takes searching. No, not on the internet, inside. You have to reach inside yourself and really look at yourself. This ,for the most part, is an inner journey. You have the answers, not me or anyone else. If you are otherkin then it is a PART of you, but you may be the only person able to find it.

The best others can do to help you is to provide pointers. Show you ways to search inside yourself, tell you how they found something inside themselves. We can hold a mirror up to you, but you won't see anything unless YOU do the looking, and what we see from our side of the mirror may not be the truth."

Otherkin Phenomena: "Otherkin are people who believe themselves to be something other than a human being on a spiritual, psychological, energetic and some even on a biological level, and choose to identify with that non-human fragment of themselves to the point where they count it as a permanent and ingrained part of their personal mythology and/or identity."

and there's plenty more! i'm just tired

i hope this helped answer your question, and perhaps gives others some insight as well!

#otherkin #alterhuman #asks #long post

42 notes · View notes

curedigiqueen · 3 years

Text

In continuing Adventures of talking about Appmon, its the resident team girl, and action idol, Eri.

I think overall I have the least to say about Eri. I think out of our main group she had the least going on, even considering Rei and Yuujin’s relative lack of screen time, as Rei and Yuujin had a lot going on. That isn’t to say she isn’t well developed.

While I was a bit suspicious of the sole female protag being an idol, I think in Eri’s case it worked because being an idol is something that ties into the main story, and is a role she can only play because she’s a girl. As being an idol is something largely female exclusive, it allows her to have a subplot where she can interact with other girls in positive ways. Being an idol also gave her bonus image songs and an ED to herself, which while just surface level focus, is still focus. On a more direct level her being an idol provided Overall, Eri being an idol ended up working very well for both Appmon’s overall plot and Eri’s characterization.

Like most of Appmon’s main cast, we don’t know all that much about her home life. But we know enough. She lives with her single mom, who seems to be an office worker who works long hours to support her daughter. Eri’s mother tells Eri that she’s happy as long as Eri’s happy. She seems to have the same sort of selfless personality that defines Eri, the kind of person who will willingly work herself into the ground given proper motivation.

Eri deciding to be an idol specifically is somewhat selfish in motivation, something that Eri herself wants to do. But she decided to commit to be an idol at her mother’s wishes for her own happiness. She claims to want to make other people smile, even if early in the series it seems hard to see that through her stoking her own ego and aggressiveness. But even that seems to come from a place of not knowing exactly how to balance her dedication to her self-centered idol persona and her more thoughtful genuine self. As Dokamon says in her debut episode, he and Eri feel the same way about making people smile. They just approach the issue differently. Dokamon is a Appmon that is earnest in his affections and goals, in contrast to Eri’s more evasive outward idol persona.

Eri’s idol persona initially is a bit overbearingly thick, even to those in the industry. But, Eri’s true colors have shown since the beginning. Eri’s arrogant persona often causes her to stand on chairs, but as the others note, she always takes off her shoes. In episode 11, Astra also mentions that Eri helped an old lady up a hill. But because it doesn’t match her “image” Eri tried to avoid getting out. Eri has a somewhat lonely background it seems due to her mother’s frequent absences, though we see her walking home with classmates implying she had some friends. This is a show where the school and family lives largely aren’t very relevant, so its hard to get a full grasp on Eri’s social situation prior to the series. But nevertheless Eri is shown to have felt extremely lonely, so it tracks that she struggles with showing her softer side to other people outside of this abrasive and arrogant persona that’s given her confidence and attention. Eri was always a considerate girl, she just grew more comfortable in her kindness, which is to the benefit of her idol career as well. Eri’s episode about doing food reviews may seem somewhat arbitrary, but food reviews are something that her arrogant act is not compatible with. In order to do proper food reviews, she needs to show a genuine attention to detail with the food, and show that she cares about the review, she needs to show her more genuinely thoughtful side.

Like Astra, Eri grows to be a bit more genuine, a bit softer to those around her. She clearly grows to care a lot about the other kids, and grows to communicate her affections better (i.e. less abrasively and more charmingly). Her buddy, on the other hand, is openly affectionate and doting, to an extreme from the very beginning. While initially she often walks over Dokamon, she grows to be openly affectionate with him, as well as more openly gentle in how she presents herself to others, even as an idol, something that becomes clear with Eri’s interactions with her younger fans.

All things considered though, Eri doesn’t necessarily change a whole lot over the course of the series, aside from the aforementioned mellowing of her idol persona. Though to be fair all of the Appmon kids arcs were more about growing into the traits they already had than anything else. But unlike the rest of the group, she has a tangible personal goal (seemingly) unrelated to the whole Leviathan situation: becoming a better idol. And her abilities are tested with the idol elections. While others are getting focus episodes on family or plot developments (or both), Eri’s focus episodes also relate to her idol career. While I think this could be viewed as a negative, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it, and Eri’s episodes are always enjoyable. It’s a simple, but effective way of demonstrating Eri’s dedication and growth, Eri starts as a newbie, and she ends in the top 10, with plenty of firsts for her career along the way.

Eri starts the show stubborn and caring, and ends the show the same way, but she’s stronger, and wiser. She grows to focus on supporting her fans and understanding how being an idol makes others smile, rather than just being an idol. By the end of the series Eri is better able to look at where she is and decide where she wants to go. Being an idol is an end to the means. Being an idol is a way to make people smile, and in order to do that Eri is more than willing to pause her idol career due to Leviathan’s involvement. Eri’s willing to aim for number one, while still being completely aware of the fact that she’s not yet number one. Eri obviously wants to be an idol. This is something she doesn’t do out of obligation, but she still uses it as a way of helping others. She’s more able to grasp and address the bigger picture.

It’s why she joins the fight in the first place, though she’s somewhat dragged into the situation by Haru and Gatchmon, she comes to recognize her primary priority is making others smile. Her aggressive, confident nature actually lends itself well to the fights. Allowing her the courage and confidence that Haru initially lacks, even if she initially lacks the motivation that Haru has. Eri is an idol, so she has strengths that lie in the performance industry, but she’s an idol of action games specifically, which serves her idol persona as well as it does her role as and Appdriver. While it often doesn’t get the chance to shine, Eri is a martial artist, and so her threats of violence, while largely hollow, do have a backing to them, and she’s more than capable of looking out for herself. Her composure while escaping the ship, and while fighting Yuujin in the finale are just delightful to watch and shows off that she’s the real muscle of the team. Even without taking Dokamon into account.

Dokamon who is also physical powerhouse and also representative of action games, making him tough, but also fun loving. Dokamon is a “male” Appmon, the only example of an opposite gender partner in Appmon. Dokamon often plays the role of Eri’s biggest fan and defender. This isn’t dissimilar to the more knight like role many other “male” digimon play towards their female partners. However Dokamon’s far too earnest and childish to really bare any similarities, and his relationship with Eri feels more like one of an adoring younger brother to a cool older sister.

A difference between how Dokamon and Eri act is in the way they relate to the others. Eri is among the oldest of the Applidrivers, and as such sits higher on the social order. Dokamon, like many of the Appmon is somewhat child coded, and in particular Dokamon is shown to admire and look up to Eri and Gatchmon, and otherwise acts in a more deferential manner. (Sorry I couldn’t get this to sound right, I hope my point gets across). Despite Eri’s show of arrogance, she also has immense respect and adoration for others, particularly in regards to her coworkers (especially Izumi), and seeks to learn from them. Over the course of the show we see more of that adoring side, and less of her arrogant act. It's the support of others, and her learning how to support others in turn, that gives her her strength.

The most obvious example of Eri learning how to work with people is in how Eri initially shut Dokamon out, but clearly came to work with him closely. In her second focus episode she asked Perorimon for help reviewing food, even if she framed it as a great honor to Perorimon. And of course she accepted the help Coachmon offered her in regards to idol training. The difference between Dosukomon’s debut and Oujamon’s is in that Eri asked for Perorimon’s help, and then didn’t trust in his advice and then assumed he was causing trouble, but with Coachmon Eri put her full faith in him, even when it wasn’t a good idea, and even after Coachmon admitted that he was working for Leviathan Eri was able to immediately accept that and trust him. And on the human side of things she was initially dismissive of Astra, but came to ask for his help for a key role in marketing herself for the idol elections. Eri is also the one who has the discussion with Yuujin about trusting in Haru to save them when they are trapped on a train together. On the flip side, its ultimately Eri who Rei has to ask for assistance in rescuing Hajime. Working with others is a huge part of her arc.

Eri’s story is about making people smile, both in using her strength to protect people as well as the power of being openly considerate of other people. Learning to find strength in her connections with others rather than arrogantly trying to handle things herself.

Other notes:

Eri’s debut is showing off the clutter of her bag for a wide audience, but notably, the thing she chooses to pick up off the table is her Appdrive. She doesn’t draw any attention to it, but she removes it from inspection before anyone else can get to it. Showing some degree of particular care for the object on Eri’s end, even if initially she’s more of ignoring the whole thing.

Eri initially keeps Dokamon hidden away because he’s annoying. Eri, initially, is shown to grade on the nerves of everyone else because of her dedication to her arrogant role. Dokamon’s biggest cause of arrogance is that he’s exceedingly vocal about singing Eri’s praises. (Can you tell I just rewatched episode 5).

#Karan Eri #Appmon #Digimon #dokamon

7 notes · View notes

ohnobjyx · 4 years

Note

Would it be that impossible for dd and gg to come out as a couple (provided they respected censorship and didn't talk about it with the media)? I read the other day that homosexuality is not illegal in China, just talking about it and showing in the media, so could not someone as brave and crazy as dd attempt to come out outside of the media? after all they are the first 3 shipped real couples in china, they do have support. Coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed..

Hi, anon! (*this blogger cracks her neck and gets ready*) Let’s get into it!

Disclaimer: fake fake fake. Why would you think that we believe in bjyx?

Preface: this post might not be exactly a controversial opinion, since I think many will have the same one. However, it’s alright to disagree: we all have our own perception of the matter, which is coloured by our own experiences (let’s just say that an absolute objective view is difficult). I present here with the most objective post (at least in terms of data and facts) I could write.

Oh, and you all might have noticed, but being concise is not my forte. I tend to digress.

First of all, I assume that the concept of “coming out outside of the media” means that they could have told just close friends and family, without announcing it to the media.

But how would we know that they have done it? (and I don’t mean we should know for sure, ofc). For all we know, they may have already done this, and, from my pov, they probably have. Without entering in “fake” rumours:

TTXS bros know something (repeating myself for the nth time). From the way DZW jumps in whenever it remotely looks like dd is slipping up, how WH poses his questions, how QF teases him. It all seems references to a real, tangible thing, instead of baseless friendly teasing. It’s also very interesting that they have stopped their matchmaking mission and have instead started to defend why dd is “single”.

Their parents are their cover. Even if dd parents didn’t watch TTXS, wouldn’t someone else watch it and ask them about it? Wouldn’t they wonder about the supposed clothes that dd sends home, the medicine, the market stroll? Maybe I’m just projecting, but I wouldn’t use my parents as a shield if they weren’t aware of the situation behind it, because I’d be subjected to their questioning later. That’s why, unless I wanted to tell them or I had already told them, I wouldn’t use my parents as an excuse. So, once is alright, but dd has done it several times, and that, for me, means that his parents know.

That’s what I would consider “coming outside the media”. Of course, this doesn’t involve us fans, and it’s their decision, of which we probably will never hear about (or, at least, not soon, and that’s fine!).

In my opinion, it’s also the best course of action, especially with all the rumours that are always circulating about them. It wouldn’t be a “brave and crazy” course of action, but rather the most sensible and rational, since it’s the best way to avoid misunderstandings with your friends and family. It’s also considerate for his friends at work, just so they know what to expect when they are on stage and it allows them to understand dd’s reactions.

(Again, we are talking about dd because that’s who anon asked about. I think gg’s circle is less close to him, so it may not be the case with him, but I don’t know enough to say what would happen).

Just let’s suppose his TTXS bros didn’t know anything and just kept trying to act as matchmakers for dd. That’s the kind of situation that’s bound to be uncomfortable for everyone because dd isn’t the kind of person who’d lie (and he doesn’t fast enough to improptu questions).

The second thing I wanted to talk about is their fans’ support. I want to talk about numbers.

I’m going to explain why I only take the c-fans data as reference. We int fans don’t really count, because we don’t affect their careers directly, as c-fans do. Of course, our support is very useful in showing how many people are rooting for them, like what happened when Roseonly’s livestream with gg was live. And I like to think that they would feel better knowing that there are a lot of people in Chn and overseas that support them and whatever there is between them.

So int-fans do contribute to give more views and likes to their Roseonly livestream (if they can access it, which isn’t always the case), but they won’t buy the roses and impact with real money, so to say.

We don’t really participate in their endorsements, many won’t stay long enough to watch more dramas from them (and I do understand that the lack of eng subs is the main problem), and many don’t/can’t/don’t know how to push them up in the charts. We’ve talked before about how the c-ent industry doesn’t really need the int audience to make a lot of money, and to be highly profitable, and it still applies in a smaller case, like a single idol.

That’s why I think that in matters of real, tangible fan support, c-fans still make a bigger percentage (around 80-90%) of their support.

So, as of now, there are 3 supertopics in w/ibo that features gg/dd (let’s leave the difference in supertopics for another day, but I don’t support the discussion about people’s sex life, thanks for your understanding):

BJYX. The largest supertopic (top 1) with a wide margin from the others. It has 2.570.000 fans.

ZSWW. It’s the number 5 in the CP supertopics, with 910.000 fans.

LXFY. The number 23 in the CP supertopics with 590.000 fans.

All of them added make 4.070.000 fans. But we have to take into account the overlapping in these three supertopics: many people (like me) are following the three supertopics at the same time. That’s why, in a not scientific way, I’m guessing that those 4.070.000 come to around 4.000.000 once you take out the people that are following the three at the same time.

Even 4 million people is still a huge number of people: that’s more people than the population of the capital of my country, and one tenth of the total census here.

Yet, in China, it means 4 out of every 1400, which translates into 0′003%. It’s also from a very specific demographic (mainly female and young). Of course, it doesn’t mean that they won’t get support from other people if it ever got out, but they can’t know what would happen then for sure.

It means that, in actual 3D world, there are a lot of people who don’t know about their CP. I read the other day some tumblr blogger saying that “we bxg are in our own little bubble, not that many people know about their cp” (was that you, @jcisthebestfightme?) which I agree a lot with. I mean, my w/ibo account and tumblr is filled with bjyx/yizhan, so much that it’s easy to forget that I arranged it to be like this, but that the majority of the people don’t receive so much info about them, nor they analyze their every move like we do.

The only thing they can know for sure is what general population thinks about same sex relationships.

In a recent poll I saw, with thousands of answers about what netizens thought of the legalization of same sex marriage in Taiwan, the supporting votes didn’t get to 50%. In Taiwan, public opinion was like this around the time same sex marriage was legalized:

An opinion poll conducted in November 2016 by the Kuomintang found that 52% of the Taiwanese population supported same-sex marriage, while 43% were opposed. Another poll commissioned that same month found similar numbers: 55% in support, and 45% in opposition. Support was higher among 20–29-year-olds (80%), but decreased significantly with age. (Wikipedia)

(I just want to say, I can’t wait for the younger generations to take over).

More data: the public stance in China could be described as: “no approval, no disapproval, no promotion”, and the public opinion is becoming more and more tolerant, but there’s still a deep-set homophobia, as in only 5% of the lgbt people comes out completely (around 20% comes out to their family), and around 80% of gay men are married to women due to social and family pressure (ofc, these data is from a few years ago, and new polls and surveys are needed, but don’t expect them to carry out a wide-range survey about this nor I think the situation has changed drastically).

In my opinion, society is slowly taking more steps towards tolerance first and acceptance second. One of their best achievement was the lgbt community and many netizens’ refusal to allow w/ibo to instate a ban on content related to homosexuality, which led to w/ibo actually reversing its decision and stop banning that content in less than 3 days.

However, the fact that a lot of people express their support doesn’t take away the truth of a lot of people openly opposing it (let’s remember that there weren’t so many antis to start with in 2/27, but its effects were undeniably large and unjust).

(If any of you read more data about lgbt rights in China, please remember that Hong Kong receives a lot more Western influence, and that public opinion in HK does not represent the actual situation in mainland Chn. Ofc, because they’re more open to lgbt, there are also more data and polls carried out in HK, so a lot of info is HK based).

Leaving this kind of data aside, let’s take another matter of numbers. While they have in total 4 million fans in the supertopics, dd has as of now 35,400,000 fans following him on w/ibo and gg has 26,690,000 fans.

One thing I’m sure they are aware of is the discussion that arises from time to time between the solo fans and the bxg. Another thing they must be aware of, specially dd, is that their fanbase has a lot of females who are their fans, not just because of their talent, but also because they’re single and therefore they can fantasize about being with them.

All in all, even though a lot of people support them, there would be also quite a number of “disappointed” people, with the danger of them becoming antis.

So while I do think they appreciate it, and leave clues specifically for us, and dd goes as far as interacting with bxg, I also feel that gg and dd might not see widespread support, enough so they’d feel comfortable coming out completely with the current public stance on homosexual relationships in Chn.

(And again, from my pov, they aren’t in the closet with their family and friends).

And last, but not least, does “coming out respecting the censorship and not talking about it with the media” mean that it would be known by the general public, or, at least, their fans (in a very hypothetic case, since I don’t know how this could be achieved)? Because then, even if they didn’t talk about it with the media, it would be as good as coming out publicly.

In an idol’s life there’s no “private” and “public”. There’s only “public” and “secret” (and by secret I mean things they “hide” in public/don’t talk about, even though people next to them might know about it). The line between public and private is very very blurred in the c-ent industry.

I always remember the case of an actor who had an affair. Because of his affair (he was married and had a son), he lost endorsements, he was taken out of tv programs and literally erased from filmed episodes. The things he did in private affected very directly his job (I don’t approve of the affair, but the consequences it had surprised me a lot).

So, while I do think that gg and dd are getting bolder with time, when they were both very startled by the “you’d lose your job if you were in a relationship” phrase, the fear was real and palpable. However, I’m aware that that was their stance a year ago, and that a lot of things have changed (heck, we’ve gone through a pandemic, something I couldn’t have imagined a year ago), so I’m going to observe how they act from now.

That’s why, “coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed..” is true, but it’s also true that it would push them into a storm I’m not sure they’d come out completely unscathed. And it may be selfish, but I don’t want them to be the ones who test the public’s tolerance to gay idols.

I think I’m missing my point, so I’ll spell it out: if they want to come out, I’ll support them with everything I have, as I think many fans will do. If they ever prove us wrong dating another person, be it male or female, I’ll support them as a fan too. But I would like any action they take to be decided by them, instead of pressed by fans who just want a confirmation at any cost.

I’ve seen people saying that if they were really together, they should be “honest” with themselves and the audience and come out publicly. In my opinion, it’s easy to judge when you’re not the one who might lose something if you take a step in the wrong direction, and it’s not your income and your job in the line.

I’m sure (reminding you all that I believe that bjyxszd) that they’d come out completely if possible. I’m also sure that they have consulted with managers and public relations experts (and their team would have talked with them about it even if gg and dd didn’t bring it up). Therefore, I strongly believe they are doing what they think is better at the time being.

To sum up: I’ll support whatever they do, but I don’t want others to push them to do things they don’t want/aren’t prepared to do. They are already between a rock and a hard place, so whatever they do with their relationship is absolutely their call.

So, anon, I hope I have answered you, but I leave here a short summary for you in the case the info was too scattered for you:

They might have come out to friends and family, and, based on dd’s interactions with the people around him and the words he has said, I do believe he has. Because gg is also an honest, sensible person, I think he might have done the same.

after all they are the first 3 shipped real couples in china, they do have support

Chn is a big country. That means that in terms of public support, sometimes numbers that would be astronomically high in other countries, is not so much in Chn. Translating numbers into percentage, a 1% means 14 million people.

So it’s true that they have a lot of people supporting them, of course. 2 million people is a lot of people, especially considering that many don’t know about them. But when you have to take into account the general public (because it’d be a scandal), since their fans aren’t the only ones interacting with them, it’s still a low number.

Coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed..

That’s true in the case of family and friends. But if you’re talking about being outed in the media, that’s not possible. Known by the fans = Public.

And remember that in this case, the media wouldn’t talk about them, since talking about homosexuality in the media is prohibited. The problem would come from within the industry and the antis.

#yizhan #bjyx #ask #my post #coming out

135 notes · View notes

anakinisvaderisanakin · 3 years

Text

Tony Stark Is An Emotional Man - My Unpopular(?) Take

So, I’m rewatching the MCU - because of course I am - and I just realized something watching The Avengers for the first time in probably 10 years.

While everyone believes Tony is a prick - and don’t get me wrong, he is 60% attitude in a small package - until he saves the damn planet; the statement he gives to Banner about the Hulk saving him is very heartfelt. He opens up about his own condition with the shrapnel, which is a rare moment of him being openly vulnerable - especially in the earlier phase of the MCU. He is being genuine, and he is trying to make Banner see the positives and understand that perhaps, the situation isn’t as bleak as he’s been thinking.

Tony is trying to provide help, to comfort Banner; not for his own gain but because he recognizes himself in Banner, in spite of their very different ways of handling their inner demons, and their wildly differing personalities. Because he knows what it’s like to lose your way and your self worth, and he wants to see Banner regain some sense of himself the same way he has.

It’s nice to see the kind side to Tony, and for him to expose it willingly to help a fellow team mate - and eventually friend - accept himself and his inner struggle. Tony does not get credit enough for the fact that he always did have that side to him, he just didn’t know how to show it. Even his jokes and snarky sarcasm get less “mean spirited” as he evolves, and grows as a person.

I feel like Iron Man 2 coupled with The Avengers (and of course Iron Man 3 added onto that) are a perfect portrayal of how Tony’s more outward sense of caring for people, despite his awkward sense of socializing, was already beginning to shine through the cracks.

To me, Tony Stark is by far the most compelling character because while I am not entirely like him, I recognize so much of myself and my own hardships. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself, and Tony is the perfect metaphor for that. He even directly likens himself to a phoenix in Iron Man 2, although played for laughs at the Stark Expo.

But not only that, later on in the movie when Steve insinuates that Tony is not a hero, that he would never sacrifice himself on behalf of another; that he fights for himself alone, and tells him he's basically nothing without the suit - you can see it's hurting him. Tony never really holds eye contact unless it's worth while; unless it's getting to him and requires his full attention coming from someone he truly trusts, unless it means something. You see him keep his eyes off of everybody in social situations before he knows them or they have earned his respect; you see him avoiding getting in neck deep, avoiding and brushing off comments on his distant persona.

But that insult right there; from the man his father would rave about, that's taking. You see the pain in his eyes, you see the fact that he's being torn open. You see that he's brought right back to who he once was, reliving the guilt of every mistake he ever made. All because of Steve's judgmental, misguided perception of him. Tony hides his true self; hides his suffering, and his internal grappling with his shame and guilt over every problem and death he's directly or indirectly caused. The fact that Steve Rogers - of all people, as the revered Captain America - cannot see through his surface disguise is really getting to him. I believe Tony had assumed Steve would be superhuman, and he's struck by the realization that Steve is no more human than he himself is. He has imperfections, and flaws, and jumps to conclusions.

And the fact that it is Steve, of all people, making these assumptions of him and taking these jabs at him makes it all the worse. You need only watch for Tony keeping eye contact throughout the verbal onslaught to know it's hitting home; and to know that Tony feels, Tony knows this is what people all initially think of him. He had just hoped that somebody as subjectively righteous and morally good as Steve would have the ability to see through the facade. The fact that he doesn't, and that he doesn't hold back on his opinion, is what hits the hardest.

Another point is when Fury informs the remaining team of Coulson's (faked) death. Tony doesn't look at anyone, he sits turned completely away from the conversation. You can see he's close to losing it, and if he were to speak, if he were to look up, were to make any sort of eye contact directly - he would crack. That's one thing I love about RDJ's portrayal of Tony; the fact that he is so terrified of showing his vulnerable side in front of others, even when he is grieving or blaming himself for any mishap. He feels like he has to be the strong one, like he has to keep it together. Not for himself as much as for everyone else - because if the unfeeling, arrogant Iron Man breaks, how are any of the other team mates going to make it?

If Tony of all people reveals he takes it harder than almost anyone else present, how are they going to see him as the same man? I love how it is only later in the MCU, that he exposes this side of himself more willingly and freely - like in Endgame where he mentions how he lost “the kid” while referring to Peter. He not only maintains eye contact with Steve as he admits that, he chokes up. This same theme is prevalent between them in Civil War when Tony asks Steve to lay down his guard and hand over Bucky, “because it’s us” - which is a testament to the fact that Tony has now accepted Steve as a friend and ally, and this betrayal of his hard earned trust is breaking his heart. But this early on, none of this has become a valid option to him yet. So he keeps it inside; refusing to show his true colours.

And in this moment, what does he do when it gets too much? When he's required to speak up, to acknowledge Fury's mention of The Avengers project? He ups and leaves. Because if he speaks; judging by the eyes alone (which is yet another credit to Robert) he's going to tear up. And hence, he walks out to get it under control, to reil himself back in. It’s a habit he throughout the franchise will begin to display less and less; as he learns to be more comfortable with the team as friends, as well as openly displaying his own emotions.

We see another side to this later when Steve approaches Tony alone one on one; and Tony initially attempts to make quips about how Coulson shouldn't have gone alone, how he was an outgunned idiot. Steve cuts straight to the core, and Tony snaps. You see him nearly tear up, you see how upset he truly is deep down and how he was only doing his best to play it off the only way he knows how. But as soon as he is spoken to, is forced to make an assessment, to actually talk about it; to look Steve in the eye and defend himself - that's the exposed vulnerability that is the real Tony Stark.

Behind the snarks, behind the facade, behind the charade of the arrogant, nonchalant prick he’s been trying to make the world see him for. He's as human as he could ever be; and I believe this is also the first time Steve notices that there is more to Tony than he had presumed. He too, had assumed Tony is too wrapped up in his own ego and lavish life resume to care for the smaller man. But here, he sees that Tony feels, Tony sympathizes, and Tony is deeply traumatized by the fact that he - as he feels - allowed this to happen. He sees that Tony believes this is on his conscious.

Tony's glassy eyes and emotional turmoil betray him, and even though he jumps right back to his intellect and brains as a safety net and a defense mechanism - addressing Loki's plan to hit them at home and split them apart - this is the first time Steve is exposed to Tony's determination, ability to assess and deduce the situation, as well as his belief in doing the right thing (another theme seen later in Age of Ultron regarding Tony’s creation of Ultron himself, as well as in Civil War where Tony is adamant that the Sokovia Accords are the right path to take to pay for the critical mistake Ultron turned out to be.) And as they assemble, you're struck with the realization that this has been enough of an eye opener for Steve to realize that there is more to Tony Stark than meets the eye.

And who is first to the tower, leading the charge if not Tony?

And despite his blind faith in his own skill and ability to stall Loki just long enough; there's the epitome of the courage Tony possesses. He knows that without the suit, he has no fighting chance. He knows Loki could snap his neck in the blink of an eye. And still, he never backs off. Indeed, there is an underlying death wish or at the very least a sense of him subconsciously feeling he deserves and is fated a grim deminse - but it does take unprecedented bravery to put yourself in such clear danger.

Tony Stark could be called many things; but a coward is not one of them. Sure, he does have the untested suit on hold, but he did not know 100% it was going to work as planned. He was counting on it, but you know a part of him knew it was a long shot and might not work out in the end. The suit could have been faulty, Loki could have cracked his head open; the cavalry could have been running late. Still, Tony gambles with his life and luckily barely comes out on top.

At last, we have the finale. What can be said about it, except the fact that it shows exactly who Tony truly is? He knows he's going to die - indeed he doesn't - but he is intent on that, he is accepting death and welcoming it. If it helps save the world, if it will keep Pepper and everyone he loves, everyone he knows; everyone alive safe.

Here, the decision from the first Iron Man to actually show us Tony's eyes and face behind the mask is a godsend. Seeing as RDJ is an actor who communicates so much of his emotional range with his eyes only; we are given an easy access to see everything Tony is experiencing flash through them. We see the fear, the pain, the uncertainty; the acceptance of the inevitable. We see his eyes convey the jumbled mass of conflicting emotions speeding through his mind, we see how he finally just relents and gives in to what he thinks is going to be his time of dying. His final moments.

And he has made them worthwhile, he has already achieved what Yinsen begged of him in that cave in Afghanistan - he has made his survival count. He has saved numerous lives, and if his death is what it takes - so be it. Cue the parallel to Endgame. Hell, even Age of Ultron has elements of this as previously mentioned; although that one was on Tony himself, and his irrevocable fear and flaws as a human being. However, here the team sees Tony's will to sacrifice himself firsthand, for the first time; and contrary to Steve's initial assessment that Tony would never put his life on the line for anyone but himself - he does just that.

This is what makes this movie so powerful.

Sure, it builds upon every team member’s arc; even Fury's. But it is Tony who proves himself above all; who shows the team what we the audience already knew. That he is a hero, that our past does not define us. That Tony Stark feels, that he knows right from wrong although he's still stumbling blind half the time - just like the rest of us. And it proves to Steve - to the entire team - that he is not merely the selfish, arrogant asshole only sticking up for himself. He is a man, albeit a flawed one, who cares deeply. Who feels, who mourns, who appreciates life and the people around him; and who is - behind the barrier he's placed between himself and everyone else to avoid getting hurt - extremely insecure. He is fearful, apprehensive, sensitive, and well aware of his shortcomings.

And Tony Stark is, first and foremost, a good man.

Repost from my previous blog.

#tony stark #iron man #discourse #meta #tony #stark #anthony stark #rdj #robert downey junior #mcu #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #infinity saga #the avengers #my take #hot takes #cause i love tony #fight me

18 notes · View notes

emotionaldepravity · 4 years

Note

Since you love Starscream so much, why don't you answer some fluff alphabet prompts? Namely F, R, U and W. I'll leave the continuity up to you

OwO okay so technically these requests are closed, but its Starscream so I’m going to make an exception. I think we are going with Armada, Prime, and Cyberverse for this one. I just hdjsdhf love him! ❤❤❤❤❤

Armada

F-Feelings

-He felt nothing but shame the moment he saw you after he betrayed the Autobots. It didn’t matter what the Autobots themselves thought or even the children, but the hurt expression on your face threatened to break his spark into a million pieces. He wanted to run and pretend that he hadn’t seen you, but when you called out to him, he paused. He let you tell him that you didn’t hate him and that you never would. You only wished that you could have had more time with him, and that if he felt the same, you’d be happy to leave everything behind just to be with him. He knew then that he really did love you, and it scared him.

R-Remember

- You were curious about how it felt to ride in an air plane since you had never been in one before, and Starscream was happy to oblige. He had seen the Autobots unfazed by the children riding along with them, and he had often wondered what it would feel like. The moment you entered his cockpit he could feel your warmth. The heat you radiated surprised him, but it wasn’t unwelcome. The way you patiently waited for him to get adjusted to the idea of flying like this made him quite happy. The smile you had on your face as you peered through his windows to see the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds as they surrounded the two of you was a treasure that he’d always take with him.

U-Universe

- A bright shooting star you get a glimpse of just as it falls and fades into the blackness of the night

W-Why

- He loves you because you treat him as an equal being that matters. You love him so openly, knowing that there is nothing to gain from doing so. Despite knowing he has little to offer but his own affection, you still love him. He has never had anyone care for him the way you do before, and he truly is thankful for you. When you smile at him, his whole world seems brighter, and he finally has something worth fighting for. He’d do anything to keep you safe and to give you a world where this war was over.

Prime

F-Feelings

- You were supposed to be just another worthless human that he could use as leverage against the Autobots. You were supposed to be afraid when he showed up to your house to steal you away. You were supposed to hate him for being an evil Decepticon. Yet you willingly came with him, eyes filled with nothing but pity. You had seen on more than one occasion what failure meant for Starscream, and if nothing else he always seemed to keep you safe from the other Decepticons until Optimus and the rest of Team Prime came to save you. He always kept you locked in his quarters rather than a cell which offered you some comfort as well as protection. As he stole you away, you could feel his entire frame trembling. You had pet his dash not knowing what had made him so on edge, but it wasn’t too hard make a guess. This wasn’t exactly the first time he had come to you in this state. However, you were a bit surprised when he took you not to the Nemesis, but to the wreckage of the Harbinger, a place he had taken you only when he first discovered its ruins.

He had felt so alone staying in the damaged ship, and now, at least with you here, things didn’t seem as bad as they have been. He wasted no time letting you out and mass displacing to hold you close to his chassis. You could hear him lightly sobbing into your hair. Expecting you to want to pull away, he loosened his grip on you. However, you didn’t let him go, and instead you continued to embrace him and lightly stroke the base of his wings to comfort him. Barely above a whisper, you told him you loved him. His spark felt so full that he felt compelled to kiss you which he did. He had known for a long time that he loved you, but only now could he admit it to himself.

R-Remember

- During one of his several information exchanges with the Autobots, he asked to see you. He was exhausted and lonely, more so than he had been in a while, and he thought if he could at least see you he’d feel a bit better just in case Ratchet refused to patch him up. Luckily, Ratchet and Bulkhead, despite their better judgement, did bring you along. The shame Starscream might have felt for you seeing him in such a sorry state vanished when you ran over to him with genuine worry painting your face. It took more willpower than he could ever admit to keep the coolant from running down his face. Perhaps it was improper for a Decepticon like him to be so close to a human, but at a moment like this, he could hardly care.

U-Universe

- Sitting absolutely alone at a party you willingly came to knowing and fearing that you’d be watching as everyone else seemed to enjoy themselves

W-Why

- He knows better than anyone that he isn’t perfect, he is berated for it almost on a daily basis, but with you, he knows that he doesn’t have to be. He is his own worst enemy, and he knows it. However, you still don’t turn your back on him even when he feels like he doesn’t deserve your kindness or time. You aren’t some perfect saint either; your flaws keep him grounded, reminded that neither of you are perfect and that’s okay. He loves you because no matter how miserable things are you don’t turn your back on him. You are willing to tell him the hard truths and expect better of him. While the thought of expectations mortifies him, you only ask him to try. And with you supporting him, he feels like it is safe to try.

Cyberverse

F-Feelings

- Useless, trash, weak, stupid, Megatron was quick to attribute all these words to him and more no matter how untrue Starscream believed them to be. Everyone failed their missions sometimes, but only Starscream was shamed so publicly for his mistakes or at least, that’s how it seemed to him. It was after being reminded of how much the leader of the Decpticons hated him, that he found himself pinging you for a moment of reprieve. Typically, he would hide in his habsuite and let the frustration in his spark pass, but as he had gotten to know you, he felt comfortable enough to vent to you and trust that you’d be understanding. Your voice hit him like a fresh cube of energon after a long battle. Being so supportive of him, you boosted his mood and refreshed his mind. You talked with him for hours, but it was only that you noticed how late it was getting that you told him you needed to go to bed soon. As he was about to end the communication, he just naturally told you that he loved you like it was just the typical way he would sign off. He was about to apologize when you returned the sentiment. He couldn’t wait to have another moment of freedom to hear you say it again. If he was really lucky, maybe he’d also get to hear you say it in person.

R-Remember

- With there being a lull in the orders to attack the Autobots, Starscream had been able to spend a lot more time with you. You were slowly introducing him to Earth media, and that just so happened to include some romance movies which he seemed oddly fond of. He often asked questions about the movies, and so when he finally asked about kissing you were quite prepared to explain it. Under the guise of needing to tell him in secret, you convinced him to pick you up and when he got close enough you gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. He was surprised but was quick to give you one in return

U-Universe

- The hiss of a shaken up bottle of soda in a previously silent room that grows louder the longer you leave it alone

W-Why

- Before he would have said he loved you because you listen to him when he needs an ear/ audial receptor. You laugh so genuinely at his jokes and smile at him like he is the center of your world. He likes to be praised, and though he does ask, you manage to surprise him with how sincere your admiration for him is. When he had a brush with death, he thought it was destiny itself to love you and for you to love him. Nothing felt right without you. As he hung between life and death he thought realized something, that if you died and weren’t in the AllSpark with him, he would never know true peace. In the delusion that he had dreamed up, he truly believed that he came back online to make sure he can find a way for you to be with him forever. Until he can figured out how, he would just have to settle for setting all of the sparks of his fellow Cybertronians free. Of course, he now knows that he was just a mech, left for dead, praying to see you one last time. The only thing that has never changed is how much he cares about you. You really are the only things that keeps him grounded. Despite all that has happened to him, he waits for a day that he can see you again.

180 notes · View notes

howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 3 years

Text

Dying on PLA (Pure Love Alliance)

This post was written by a former BC who questioned an authority figure on PLA and experience life-threatening consequences.

I’ll start with this: the moment I was dying was when I felt my soul sinking into the ground during the PLA 2000 tour, in a lavish town house owned by The Unification Church in Kensington, one of the most expensive neighborhoods in London, UK. I was 16 when this all happened. For some reason, my soul wasn’t rising as you might imagine when people die, probably because it was too tired, instead, it sank. I was in a sleeping bag and surrounded by 300 other kids all in sleeping bags, lined up like goods in the grocery store with little room to walk. Asleep, I slowly realized that I was sinking through my sleeping bag, past my body, into the oriental rug and through hardwood floor, deep into the ground, creeping further and further below the foundation of the building. So I knew I was dying—but I didn’t feel the least bit sad or upset. In fact I was relieved—even ecstatic. It meant that the torment from my supposed fellow BCs would be over, that this pain from the infection raging through my body that left my neck, arms, wrists wrapped in puss filled bandages, and my body so fatigued (so. fatigued.) would be over. The ground felt cool, and was getting colder, and it was really actually quite refreshing.

How great would that be to not have to wake up? Who cares if these people found a dead girl in her sleeping bag in the morning. Good for them. They might be surprised but they’d get to spin some fantastic story about my soul paying indemnity for the crimes that my Japanese ancestors committed against the Koreans; that’s apparently how they were explaining my mysterious illness to friends— an illness that had my upper body oozing a relentless and embarrassing flow of thick yellow puss, that had me changing my bandages every hour if I had the energy and a clean bandage on me. I found out that this story was making the rounds through the 300 or so BCs who were also on that tour. Before that, someone who I went to summer camp with for years, actually asked nonplussed, if I was currently struggling with Satan. Another story that others hinted to was that I was fallen. Writer’s note: At that point in time, like many of you, I had not so much as held a boy’s hand, let alone kissed anyone, made out and definitely never lost my virginity. I was precocious, spirited, ballsy—like any teenager trying to find humor in strange places. Most things I did was for the sake of a good laugh. But I was in my heart a total straight arrow, and I believed in the church, seriously, like the best or worst of them.

On this trip, there were also elders who took me aside from the group dinners and recounted the amazing stories about my dad and what a great guy he was at the religious seminary, the New Yorker Hotel, Belvedere, etc. And then they would say; Why would you disappoint him so horribly?

I wouldn’t know exactly how much I was disappointing him because I was never allowed to call him or my mom, or make any phone calls for that matter. I was being guarded 24/7, my passport was locked up, I wasn’t allowed to sleep much (I would be kept up later and woken up earlier than the others), nor take showers, which caused, what I would later find to be a trio of life-threatening infections coursing through my body. I had a very different experience from other BCs who were free to eat, shower, and sleep.

When I felt like my soul must have been half a mile below ground. I stopped, because this was it. Then I felt something big—bigger than me, bigger than everything and everyone around me, pulling me up with the utmost urgency, and I knew that this big thing gave a damn— even if I didn’t. I snapped back to my body with a whiplash that woke me up, panting, freaking out. Even if I didn’t care to live (and I really didn’t), even if these 300 other people around me, even if my religion didn’t care, God, the universe, this force, without a doubt, cared violently. This is when I realized that God did not move exclusively through organized religion, he/it moves and vibrates in anything, in everything. So my direct relationship with this force was felt for the first time under those floorboards, separate from and despite the machinations of my religion.

I immediately woke up and saw in the reflection of this gigantic ornate gold mirror on the wall opposite me, what looked like at least 20-30 white, blue glowing shadows, all very tall, standing around me and the dozens of sleeping BCs around me. Who they were, I’m not sure, I was delirious, and more importantly I was terrified that I had almost died, and so willingly. I couldn’t go back to sleep. But now I had a fire in my stomach, to get through this alive and a rabid indignity against those who’d put me in this position, including myself. I would do right by the universe, by God, by surviving this.

I got here by making the mistake of questioning the director of the PLA on the modus operandi of the Pure Love Alliance, on Day 1 of the tour. My fellow BCs didn’t make the mistake of vocalizing the inconsistencies in the logic of posing as a non-denominational group when we were 99% BCs, they didn’t stand up for the not even 1 percent non-BC kids who didn’t have a choice but to read the Divine Principle and join our prayers. If you are too precocious with too many rhetorical questions for elders, you’ll see just how nasty and how quickly the machine will mobilize against you.

Why. During the previous PLA tour of 1999 I remember lying about our religious association when being interviewed by the local news in Birmingham, AL. We were vetted and instructed to withhold our association with the Unification Church so when a reporter asked me what I was, I responded “Lutheran"— my father’s previous religion before joining the church.

I hate lying about something as grand and dumb as my religion. I didn’t think that we needed to constantly lie, it frustrated me always having to hide the church from my school friends and I wanted to do away with the smoke and mirrors and live openly about this. So at the beginning of the 2000 tour that would be marching through the US in July and then marching through Europe in August, I went up to the director and I asked him: why can’t we be forthright about who we are, if we’re truly non-denominational?

I didn’t immediately realize what a total coward he was, I just thought he was an adult, he must have some good answers. But he pandered with half answers, trotted me around the ring with half baked logic all while getting increasingly upset and dismissive: you just don’t understand; this is much too complicated for you to understand (more upset); this is God’s will; do you want to go against God’s will? And I responded with: I think it’s pretty simple, God doesn’t need us to lie. We should be honest to the press and other churches about being associated with the UC. Otherwise we should stop calling ourselves non-denominational, right? The conversation went nowhere and I eventually walked away.

I was probably earmarked as being a troublemaker but it wasn’t that bad. At least in the beginning, I hung out with my BC friends, some of whom I’d been growing up with and all was well during the tour through the US.

It was when I noticed that there were 3 or 4 non-BC kids on the tour—how they were roped in to hang out with us nutjobs for two weeks, I’m not sure, but I know everyone looked at them with a special wonder. They were special to us because we were showing them that there was this great camaraderie and communal life that we had together amongst ourselves and we really believed that we were letting them in on something special.

I noticed that while we were reading the Divine Principle and praying in circles, they were expected to do the same with us, without any opportunity to decide for themselves whether or not they wanted to in the first place. This would be a small but important gesture to extend for any organization that called itself non-denominational to the outside world; to accept and respect people of other faiths; to let them have the opportunity to pray in their own way if they needed to. It really bothered me because it seemed wildly disrespectful and a bit dishonest. If I were traveling with a Christian youth group, wouldn’t I want the right to read the DP and pray my way at 5 am in the morning on Sundays?

It became a breaking point when late one night on a tour bus in Europe, I brought up the issue again during a bus reading of the DP, and I got pissed. I openly pointed out to the bus leaders the hypocrisy of a so-called non-denominational youth group posing as such to the press, all while not respecting the faiths of others on the tour.They said that this is how it’s done, that everyone does the same thing so that they can stick to the strict schedule to get through the tour. This is the will and mission of the PLA, this is God’s will, and we need to see it through. Then I said: If they aren’t allowed to choose, than I refuse to read the DP and refuse to join prayers until they do have the choice.

I’m not really sure why I cared so much but it was because I could see my bus leaders acknowledging my logic, I could see behind their eyes that they did. But they towed the line and refused to acknowledge that there was any right. But my refusal to pray or read DP, they took very, very seriously—yet in my mind, I wasn’t doing anything drastic, I wasn’t leaving the church. That would be crazy! I was just taking a stand.

These non-BC kids were, at least outwardly, complacent. But let’s be honest we were all 14, 15, 16 years old and expected to do everything en masse, but why shouldn’t they/we have the choice to read the DP or not? What was faith if it wasn’t a deliberate, and educated choice? Shouldn’t anyone be allowed the right to question things, if only to return with stronger answers?

As soon as I had this fight on the bus, that was when the horrible things really began. I was always being shaken awake on long rides when everyone else was allowed to fall asleep, even if only for an hour or two. Lack of sleep breaks you quickly. I wasn’t allowed to sleep with my friends, instead I always had sometimes two unnis sleeping and walking with me. I could mingle with others, but I was always being watched by them close by. I was escorted to bathrooms but never allowed to take a shower, they said I could take one later, but later never came until it was too late, after my infections had become so severe they couldn’t exactly ignore it.

It was 3 in the morning when the buses filled with BC teenagers and our wranglers parked on the curve of the fucking German autobahn to let us out. We were released into the cold night by our demented but well-meaning leaders, searching along the curve of the freeway in the wet grass and mud trying to find our suitcases. Let me repeat, 3 am, 300+ teenagers trudging in the dark along a sharp curve of the German autobahn before entering what, in my mind, was the Black Forest.

I don’t even remember who was in charge of me at that point but it seemed to be predetermined that one sister became my handler in Germany. She came out of the blue, barking at me to move out, and personally marched me into that forest, literally behind me nipping at my heels, always on the assumption that I would flee sideways, off the trail, deeper into the forest, to what, I don’t know. I had no desire to leave, I was just hungry and exhausted. When we reached the top it was a huge building that wasn’t even fully constructed with insulation hanging out and utility lights haphazardly nailed and dangling from the ceilings. It was in a huge large barn like space where we convened in a long line to finally get some split pea soup as dinner, and by the time I finally got some, someone knocked it out of my hand, on purpose? Who the fuck knows. I would have cried but I was too tired and I don’t need sympathy. Some other BCs said that was too bad, but my handler wouldn’t let me go back in line to get more. Instead, we had to pitch our tents in the mud incline below the barn, my tent mate was of course my ever-watchful unni/handler.

I’m not exactly sure how the tent stood up, it was lopsided because of the mud and the wet grass, and the incline, but once that was done I went to go brush my teeth, and saw behind the barn, a bunch of white statues staggered in a terrifying symmetry along the hill; literally, I don’t think I’d ever seen anything as frightening as those statues in the moonlight. They were the true family, ghostly white and with their arms outstretched like they were dancing, I went up to them unsure as to what they were. They were smooth and so white but when I touched them, they weren’t marble, just hollow and plastic—creepy, empty lawn furniture. And for the first time in my life I saw them as this insidious, careless force who either had no idea, or simply had no compassion for the ramifications of their will and franchise. That was the night when my perspective on everything started to shift.

I wasn’t allowed to shower the next day even though I could see my other friends lining up with their towels. And I was always ferried away from communal meals, to have a one on one with some important elder who would shame me for an hour. And it worked. I remember one guy telling me with beady eyes, rather emphatically, how disappointing this will be for my father, who’s such a good guy, everyone loves him, I don’t know him, but everyone loves him— when he finds out how I’ve been working against the mission. I really tried hard to imagine if my dad would be proud or disappointed in me for taking a stand but my thoughts fizzled into a murky question mark while I stared at the white statues now in daylight. I didn’t know the answer and I was so tired, exhausted and hungry, and I was beginning to slowly not care as much.

But I also began to resent these elders for believing that I was working against them, I wasn’t! I was only asking good questions! I was on their side, and I believed I was still a good person.

Instead of not really being able to hang out with my friends, I sensed they were also avoiding me. I remember incredulous looks. It got super lonely fast.

It was when one elder oppa along with a whole slew of younger oppas in training crowded around me in a circle in front of everyone after one march to give me a talk. "Stop setting a bad example to the other sisters, this is your last warning.” Their vague warning was made abundantly clear. Even if it wasn’t true, my generation believed that I was fallen and that’s why I was acting out…

At that point I didn’t even consider the sheer stupidity in this non-linear logic, clearly, I ruined my chances of a good match! That was the end for me. No one would want to be blessed to me and that was when I began to really lose it because it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t have an arranged marriage, that my trajectory would be anything less than what was expected of me, or any different from anyone else. Even when I was asking these people seemingly simple rhetorical questions, it didn’t mean that I wanted to leave. But I was beginning to realize that it would be impossible to have a happily ever after ending in the church.

I don’t remember France, France was a blur, I just felt sluggish and horrible, light sensitive the entire time, still wasn’t allowed to sleep much and was barred from the showers. I was hiding a nasty rash that was breaking out all over my skin by wearing a cardigan, the only cardigan that I had brought on the trip.

My illness was getting bad when we arrived in the posh neighborhood of Kensington, London. The buses unloaded this shocking fire hazard number of teenagers into one townhouse that strangely appeared to have a bullet proof vestibule and a security camera at the entrance which only added to my feeling that I was being held captive. Meanwhile, nobody else seemed to care about this detail, the fact that we were in a fucking compound. You wouldn’t know it from the unassuming white exterior that blended in with the row of townhouses exactly like all the others in the neighborhood.

I remember after marching through Leicester Square, my subgroup broke off to Trafalgar Square where we shouted our testimonies at one of the fountains and anyone else who would care to stop, but no one did. My leader wasn’t really convinced by my conviction to Pure Love. It was a bit hard, being exhausted, with a fever, to be shouting about Pure Love all while being slut shamed by my generation for no good reason at all. I didn’t really feel like shouting, I just wanted rest and to be alone.

My illness was getting from bad to worse quickly, I had a fever, felt hot, then clammy cold, sweating bullets, in addition to huge open sores spreading on my neck and arms, but whenever I asked to see a Dr. they wouldn’t allow it, I later realized it wasn’t because of money, even after I offered to pay myself, it was because they were afraid that I would talk about everything happening on the tour. It hadn’t even occurred to me to go public with any of this. With what? I didn’t know that there was a story, how bad it really was until afterward.

I did finally get to take a shower in London, I think because that was more reasonable than covering up a dead girl, probably. But the shower didn’t help at that point. Whatever was happening with the sores, it was also in my blood, I felt exhausted, jumpy, crazy, sensitive to light, miserable. When they wouldn’t let me see a doctor, when the pus was spilling out of my bandages and running down my neck, running down my arms, like in some horror film, I begged them to at least let me go to a pharmacy to buy bandages, Neosporin and hydrogen peroxide. They agreed so long as a brother escorted me, a tall one who could easily outrun me if it came to it.

Maybe it was because they were making such a huge deal to keep me on watch that I began to fantasize about getting away. Not to tell on anyone or anything, with no agenda in mind, I just wanted to go home. I asked if I could get my passport and my ticket to try and go home early but that was not possible. I just wanted to get away and so on our way to one rally, I had this brilliant idea and I jumped out of a subway train and onto the platform, I only ran 5 steps before I was yanked back into the train by my unni. After that everyone thought I was totally nuts and definitely pure evil. I had no idea where I was planning to go, I think I was just going to ask directions to a hospital— at that point my sores on my upper body were just getting bigger and were oozing, no amount of soaking the sores in hydrogen peroxide or neosporin would help. It was embarrassing because it was pus and blood soaking through my bandages and into my shirts that I could only rotate so many times. People on the subway and in public were furtively staring at me, they probably smelled the disease on me, but I couldn’t ask for their help.

In my mind today, my older self rewrites the history of that trip. In my older self’s version: I’m unstoppable even though I’m sick. In a fit of manic strength, I jump out of the train, out run my guard, and I don’t stop running until I get to a doctor or to a police station, whichever happens first — then I seek protection at the US embassy despite not having a passport or money on me, and then I get to all major news outlets and I expose this youth group for their psychological and physical abuse, and for misleading the public on the PLA. By doing so, I set a chain of events on an international scale that would bring to light all of the questionable things we’ve had to quietly endure. I put a small chink in the church’s armor and it all comes crashing down. I save my fellow BCs from a life without an educated choice to believe or not, from the waste of time spent fundraising for a thankless institution while their families struggle to get by, in questionable matchings, in a sad, vicious cycle.

In actuality, after nearly dying in a sleeping bag, I’m too tired but crazy alert and a day and a half later I’m somehow on my way to Heathrow airport via the subway. On the way there I fall asleep hugging my backpack, only to wake up to find that other passengers are just looking at me horrified; my bandages had soaked through again, I was pouring pus onto my backpack. I’m so embarrassed for alarming these strangers but there’s nothing I can do, I had changed my bandages only an hour before hand, right before leaving the townhouse. All I can do is zip up my anorak and hope I can rinse these out later.

Finally at Heathrow, I’m handed my plane ticket and finally, my passport and it turns out that the tour is over. I can’t even believe it but the elders, including my handler, are walking away to catch their own planes. I curb my hysteria and get to a pay phone where I finally call my parents in Seattle on a collect call, and I’m freaking out, I’m worried that someone will come out from nowhere and cut the line, capture me, throw me in a white van, what with my luck.

My parents are so happy to hear from me! How are you kiddo? I have to fight to keep from sobbing, I’m shattering and yelling, focusing on just one thing: that they have to get me to a doctor as soon as I land, I keep repeating this until my dad promises and repeats this to me. I’m scared I just might drop dead right then and there. Once I’m appeased, I take deep breaths to cool down and I ask my mom if anyone in her family did anything to the Koreans during the occupation. She doesn’t understand the question until I explain to her the theory behind one of these rumors.

The line went quiet.

My dad doesn’t know what to say, but my mom blew her top, she was furious.

In my mother’s adorable, hot headed Japanese mom fashion, she emphatically starts yelling into the phone about how my ancestors did nothing. No one in my family served, and in fact, my family was socially ostracized for years for accepting a Korean family who were on hard times into their farming community in Shizuoka prefecture. (see Footnote)

She was furious and I think stormed away from the phone but I was happy to know, without a doubt, that this dark age posturing was completely ridiculous. My sense of what was reality and what wasn’t was a bit diminished in my daze the past few days, I was glad to have my intellect reinforced.

My parents collect me at the airport and are stunned by the shape I’m in. The doctor explains that I have several severe infections, a staph (staphylococcal) infection and impetigo— a highly contagious bacterial infection on my skin, but it was progressing as an infection in my blood—septicemia, which would have killed me in 48 hours without medical attention. I’m given a heavy flow of an antibiotic cocktail and I’m closely monitored. When I do get home, I can hardly move, and if I’m not sleeping or sitting in a mineral bath, I’m taking antibiotics and trying to heal my skin in time for the new school that I’m transferring to. But in every waking moment, I’m trying to make sense of the previous two weeks. I tell my parents that I’m no longer in the church and they don’t even put up a fight. We don’t talk about it but they can hardly believe what happened to me.

From that point on, I’ve kept my distance from every BC. I partially hold it against them for being complacent, for not chiming in with me, for not seeing the fatal flaws that were so obvious to me. I hold it against them for not standing up for me when they saw the quiet abuse that I went through. For not speaking up for me when people were effectively spreading lies about me. But I realize they didn’t really know me enough, or really even know what was going on all around us at the time, or themselves for that matter. And if I were them instead of me, would I do it any differently?

I hold it against the church for breeding ignorance and stupidity in its members and families; encouraging them to have upwards 10 kids before they can even think about what it means to really take care of them, giving them a real, true education and a fulfilling life; for grinding these families into poverty, a life partially lived on food stamps, for what exactly, I’m still not sure; for collectively instilling this insidious belief that it’s women who are always at fault/responsible in all situations and who carry the onus of Eve’s imprint on the Fall; that men are never to blame/never responsible and therefore unaccountable creatures save for their purpose of begetting a blessed family; that if you’re about to be raped, it’s your duty to kill yourself—not defend yourself and your right to live—before it gets to that; that you are anything less in God’s eyes if you are raped; that our sexuality is a fixed binary without room to account for a full spectrum within ourselves that acknowledges and respects humanity in its entirety—homosexuality and all. I hold the Church responsible for the deaths of BCs I knew, but that’s a longer, separate story.

When and where it all went bad for the Unification Church, I don’t know. I know it was a beautiful thing when my parents joined, I truly believe that they were meant to be together. It was something that I believed in with my whole heart when I was little. I do in fact believe that I’m a blessed child— I have no doubt that there’s a divinity in me, but I know there’s a divinity in everyone, BC or not. Our lives should be lived acknowledging and honoring that little spark, that bit of magic in each of us. It’s that simple.

My only regret in leaving the church at 16 was leaving behind my fellow BCs, especially the younger ones who have no one to advocate for their choice to question. I know they’re struggling or have struggled against parents and elders who are even more forceful and too scared to ask the same questions themselves. I know their questions are harder because they haven’t seen what I have in such crazy, sharp relief. It was made almost too clear to me but for them their experience is slower, blurred and more broken. I have dreams where I’m fighting for them, but I have to leave them behind to fight my own battles. I can hardly think about the church for very long without feeling the most violent, extreme emotions, mostly on behalf of my fellow BCs. It’s part of the reason why I’ve kept away for as long as I have, I’ve forgotten names and faces, and while I’ve forgiven the church for what it’s done to me, I will never forgive what it’s done to the thousands of individuals and families raised in almost poverty because of it. In my heart, it’s not hate, it’s justice, it’s right and wrong, clean. In my heart, I am a fucking vigilante, and part of what propels me is to vindicate them. I fantasize about doing well enough in life, to have enough money so that I can buy up each of the church’s properties so that I can burn them all down to the ground, in the name of all my fellow BCs. If there is one thing that I can thank the church, it’s for making me a fiercely passionate person. To this day, I don’t think anyone can hold a candle to the flames that burn in our hearts.

Life outside of the church is hard, reprogramming the way you consider everything never ends. Dating still feels impossible even after 10 years at it. But it’s so beautiful, it’s so varied and complex and breathtaking— the multitudes, the possibilities that I’ve experienced and are still at my feet. It’s always up to me, every mistake, triumph, difficulty and opportunity is up to me, and I’m so grateful that my conclusions are my conclusions even if it’s a process. As stupid or sad as this story is, I’m grateful for it because now I have a tenacity that rivals most anything. Now, almost 14 years later, I am a fucking panther and I don’t let anyone or anything take me down. Nothing fools me, no situation happens without my consent, and I live life fully, authentically, deliberately and always on my terms. And I want that for every single BC, in the church or not.

__________________________

Silra said: This makes me so sad. I’m an ex British moonie and the PLA was a last straw for me. I was 12 during that time and remember rumours being rife amongst all the BCs. I had to say my testimony at Leicester Square where my dad was super proud. Little did he know I wasn’t happy and the rumour mill was ripe with bullshit about me. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

__________________________

Footnote

The Unification Church heavily guilt tripped the Japanese members about the Japanese occupation of Korea (1910-1945), and about the Korean ‘Comfort Women’. To understand the psychology of this manipulation used during recruitment, see:

Japanese woman recruited by the Unification Church and sold to an older Korean farmer in an ‘apology marriage’

To understand more about the Korean ‘Comfort Women’ issue see:

The Comfort Women controversy

This ‘Comfort Women’ research is very important for all Japanese members. For some perspective, here is an extract from a piece from the New York Times. There were more Korean ‘Comfort Women’ serving the US military from 1950 than ever served the Japanese military during the colonial period.

New York Times:

Ex-Prostitutes Say South Korea and U.S. Enabled Sex Trade Near Bases By Choe Sang-Hun January 7, 2009

SEOUL, South Korea. South Korea has railed for years against the Japanese government’s waffling over how much responsibility it bears for one of the ugliest chapters in its wartime history: the enslavement of women from Korea and elsewhere to work in brothels serving Japan’s imperial army. 

Now, a group of former prostitutes in South Korea have accused some of their country’s former leaders of a different kind of abuse: encouraging them to have sex with the American soldiers who protected South Korea from North Korea. They also accuse past South Korean governments, and the United States military, of taking a direct hand in the sex trade from the 1960s through the 1980s, working together to build a testing and treatment system to ensure that prostitutes were disease-free for American troops. 

While the women have made no claims that they were coerced into prostitution by South Korean or American officials during those years, they accuse successive Korean governments of hypocrisy in calling for reparations from Japan while refusing to take a hard look at South Korea’s own history. 

“Our government was one big pimp for the U.S. military,” one of the women, Kim Ae-ran, 58, said in a recent interview. 

Scholars on the issue say that the South Korean government was motivated in part by fears that the American military would leave, and that it wanted to do whatever it could to prevent that. 

But the women suggest that the government also viewed them as commodities to be used to shore up the country’s struggling economy in the decades after the Korean War. They say the government not only sponsored classes for them in basic English and etiquette meant to help them sell themselves more effectively but also sent bureaucrats to praise them for earning dollars when South Korea was desperate for foreign currency. 

“They urged us to sell as much as possible to the G.I.’s, praising us as ‘dollar-earning patriots,’ ” Ms. Kim said. ...

The Comfort Women controversy

youtube

#PLA #Pure Love Alliance #Moonies #Sun Myung Moon #Unification Church #CARP #Japanese occupation of Korea #Comfort Women

1 note · View note

captainofthebrokentides · 4 years

Text

Briefcases and Bloodspatter: Chapter 5: Benny doesn’t share food!!

Hello all, thought I’d get another update in while I could. I know this one is a bit filler-ish. I hope you all enjoy it though, I needed to get the story rolling through though!

Liv had just managed to tidy up a bit and throw on a t shirt and a pair if shorts before there was a knock at her hotel room door. Quickly she checked her reflection in the mirror – she’d managed to tame her hair into a long plait and luckily she’d yet to take her subtle make up off.

She opened the door and smiled at Benny, who stood patiently at the threshold. He hadn’t stopped to change out of his work out wear, and she look a moment to enjoy his exposed arm muscles. He had fixed his hair though.

“I’m really sorry for dragging you out this late.” She started to apologise, stepping out the way so he could come past her and enter the room.

“No need to apologise, didn’t I say call me whenever you need me?” He shot her a cheeky grin and winked “Quite sad you’ve put clothes on though, the towel dress was a good look.”

“But a chilly one.” She closed the door and followed him into the depths of the room. He took a seat on a plush green armchair and looked around.

“It’s a nice hotel room you’ve got here.”

“Thank you, you actually get to see inside it this time.” She laughed and grabbed a pair of glasses from the under-desk cabinet. “Can I get you a drink?” she waved the bottle of wine and glasses at him.

“A drink would be great. Thank you.”

“Well, I have a bottle of white wine here, or water, or I can call room service to get you a scotch?”

“White wine is fine, no need to fuss.” Benny got up from his chair and came over to her smiling warmly. He took the bottle in one hand and placed the other on the small of her back, nudging her toward the seating area. She couldn’t help but replicate his smile, his small gesture was so familiar – commanding and gentle – completely Benny Colon.

They both sat in the chairs and Benny poured them each a glass of wine. A moment of comfortable silence fell over the room as they sipped their drinks.

“So, what did you find? Benny asked putting his glass down and imperceptivity shifting into business Benny mode, his expression serious.

“After you’d left this afternoon, I managed to collate and package up those semen samples. I ran a whole barrage of tests – potency, virility, DNA markers, age verification …”

Benny grimaced “You can run a test for that?”

Liv nodded and took a gulp of her wine. “Well, yeah, every man’s sperm is like a signature to them. One of a kind if you like. It’s kind of an off shoot from the DNA markers. It’s also how we check for any present illnesses that may show up in a sperm count.”

Benny nodded and gestured for her to continue.

“Anyway, the vast majority of it belongs to Brandon – as we expected. But, there’s sperm there that doesn’t fit his DNA markers.”

“So that means … he wasn’t just having sex with women on that boat …”

“Exactly. And according to my test results we’re looking for an older man. Cable sent me a few hits, I just need to go through them and pinpoint before we put the cat among the pigeons.”

Benny furrowed his brow in confusion. “But I thought it was all individual?”

Liv nodded, “It is. But it’s easier to pull correct 99.9% accurate results when you have a ‘living’ sample to compare it to. This sample is a mere smidgen and faded on material, it’s harder to pull a correct reading straight off. Comparisons are harder.”

“I’m sure this will help us, somehow. Thank you.”

Liv shrugged, “It’s all part of my job.” She yawned and stretched her arms above her head. Benny’s eyes instantly fell to the strip of flesh that peeked out with the movement. “Sorry to call you out in the dead of night, now that I say it out loud, it could have waited.” She bit her lip bashfully, and played with the frayed hem of her shorts.

“Don’t be sorry! I’m finding spending my evenings with you is a pleasure. I’m glad you tore me away actually, ten more minutes and Bull would have forced me into some night time trial prep.”

“I saw you were in the office, don’t you have a home to go to Mr Colon?” she joked not caring if she sounded openly flirty. The wine had gone straight to her head from the adrenaline rush.

Benny laughed, relaxing now that the business talk was over and done with. “I do. A nice modern apartment about ten minutes from the office. I do get to go home and relax sometimes.” He looked thoughtful for a second. “It gets a bit quiet though.”

“Nothing at all to come home to?” Liv could have kicked herself for asking the question. She desperately wanted to hear the answer, but she didn’t at the same time. It was like her subconscious needed to know if she was wasting her time, or if she was going to be heart broken by this Latin demi god.

He chuckled lightly and fixed her with that intense gaze. “Nothing. Not even a pet.”

“That’s a little sad. I don’t know what I’d do without my puppy.” She handed him her phone, proudly showing off her pride and joy. “His name is Chico. He’s my fur baby.”

“He looks friendly.” Benny handed her back her phone “Who’s looking after him while you’re here?”

“My best friend. Eliza basically moved into my flat to make sure he won’t wreck it.”

Benny nodded and glanced at his watch “I should really be getting home.” He got up and made his way to the door. Liv followed him and paused while he opened the door chewing her bottom lip.

“Thanks for the drink Liv.” He was stood close enough that she could hear his lowered voice.

How does he still smell amazing after working out?

“No, thank you for coming. You really didn’t have to.”

“A beautiful girl tells me she needs me, wearing nothing but a towel? I’d have no brain if I said no.” He tucked a stray piece of hair back behind her ear and pulled her into a hug. She enjoyed the gesture, wrapping her arms around his neck, and breathing in the masculine, musky scent of his hair.

Benny pulled away far too early for her liking, leaving her feeling suddenly cold without his body heat.

“I’ll see you in the morning. Sleep well.” He winked at her and started to walk down the corridor towards the elevator.

“Good night Benny!” she called after him.

“Good night Liv.”

****

“So why wasn’t I invited to this pyjama party?” Bull asked accusingly, looking at Benny and Olivia over the top of his glasses as they talked in his office the next morning.

“It was late and I didn’t want to disturb you …” Liv uncomfortably pushed an imaginary crease out of her skirt in agitation. Benny just rolled his eyes.

“Give it up Bull, you’re not invited to everything.” The lawyer pointed to the files Liv had placed on Bull’s desk. “What is important, is that Liv here, found an anomaly in the semen.”

“An anomaly?” Bull started looking through the paperwork.

“I’ve not been able to get an exact match yet, but there’s more than just Brandon’s semen on his jeans from that night.”

“He was with another man.”

Bull nodded, flicking through each sheet.

“My tests say it’s an older man. I’ve got to do a bit of DNA profile matching today before I can give you a precise who.”

“Good work. This might just be the ace we’re looking for.”

****

“So I missed a hell a day, clearly.” Liv said as she sat down next to Benny at the communal table.

Cable nodded emphatically. “Gun play and everything.”

“Pete Peters is in the hospital with a GSW. And Clyde is pushing for a second degree manslaughter deal at the DA’s office.” Benny said pouring water into Liv’s glass.

“He’s just sore because that brat Taylor Bensimon threw the ipad at his face.” Danny added as she and Chunk unloaded the group’s Chinese order out onto the table, separating it off for each person.

“Bensimon … where have I heard that name?” Liv pondered, tapping her nails on the table and furrowing her brow in thought.

“They’re everywhere in this case.” Benny said, accepting his order from Danny.

“The families are tightly linked. Like Taylor and Brandon were paired off as kids, without even a say.”

“Speak of the devil. “ Marissa said under her breath, but loud enough for the whole table to hear as Bull came through the door, leading Brandon over to their table.

“Have a seat Brandon.” The psychologist put pressure on his shoulders and he sat awkwardly next to Liberty. The kid’s eyes were red rimmed.

“Here you go momma.” Chunk handed Liv her lemon chicken and rice, sitting down next to her with his own food.

“Ugh Chunk, Have I told you lately that I love you?” Liv asked, opening the box and inhaling the sweet scent from inside.

“No, but you have now.”

“To business.” Bull said as he paced around the table. “Brandon here, is going to testify. We need to give him some advice. Go.”

“Speak up.” Marissa nodded at the young boy, trying to be as kind as she possibly could be.

“Answer directly.” Benny said, putting a dumpling in his mouth.

“Keep your hands still.”

“Don’t slouch.” Benny said through a full mouth.

“Only answer questions, not statements.”

“Don’t fill silences.”

“Don’t smoke on breaks.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, jeez Benny, I thought you were a gentleman?” Liv laughed, slapping Benny’s bicep. His eyes went wide and he swallowed quickly.

“I was hungry.” He shrugged and winked at her. Liv shook his head wondering how he could be charming, even after such a revolting move.

“What did I tell you Liv, like a rabid animal when he’s hungry.” Cable joked.

He pouted and offered her a dumpling from his box, which Liv gladly accepted, with a friendly nudge of the elbow.

Everyone around the table that knew Benny watched the interaction open mouthed.

Benjamin Colon never willingly shared food.

For those of you interested, this is Liv’s puppy Chico.

@reelovesbennycolon @lets-love-little-me @thesleepyproducer

#benny colon x reader #benny colon x oc #bennycolonxreader #benny colon #bull2016 #nbcbull #jason bull #chunk palmer #freddy rodriguez

45 notes · View notes

asgardianthot · 4 years

Text

Flesh And Bones - Part 5

Soulmate AU

Series Masterlist

A/N: This one’s a long one to make up for how awfully long it took me to post it :D I’m so sorry I literally suck I don’t deserve your interest BUT it’s also a good one so hopefully you’ll forgive me :D and hopefully I’ll post a LOT more regularly. Enjoy!!

TW: one short mention of suicide

Words: 3557

"Bucky, stop!" Wanda shouted.

She did her best to ignore the flying items of clothing that were being thrown with no specific aiming, and instead was directing her stern look towards Barnes. The soldier’s room was a current mess, with its inhabitant grabbing everything from inside his closet and throwing it out in the most dramatic manner possible, to the floor, to his bed, it didn’t really matter as long as his message was clear: he was packing up. There was an open travel bag over at the corner, waiting to be filled so that the man could flee.

Wanda seemed more concerned than shocked at the news. Sure, finding out those two were soulmates wasn’t anything she had expected to happen anytime soon, but there would be time to digest that later. Right now, Bucky was either making a scene or going mental, or probably both, so she focused on getting him to stop.

"This is insane.” She scolded him, disappointment clear on her tone, “Nat, tell him."

When the Maximoff girl turned to ask for backup from Natasha, the latter showed no real aid whatsoever: she was holding back laughter, still at awe from the reason behind the disturbs, which was Barnes and Wilson were soulmates, and it for some reason was the most ironic, hilarious and tragicomic thing she had ever heard of.

"It-" the redhead tried to support Wanda, but failed as her contained chuckle escaped her lips, and she had to cover her smile with her hand; she quickly nodded, attempting to get rid of the smug look on her face, "It is, it's crazy."

Maximoff looked at her like she was the biggest disappointment in the room at the time. If there was something she didn’t need right now was unhelpfulness.

She turned to the man in question, "What are you trying to accomplish?"

"I'll just move out!” he yelled back, sounding like not even he trusted his own plan, “It'll go away!"

"No it won't, and you know it!" the witch pleaded, growing more and more exasperated.

"No, I don't.” Bucky stopped his actions to shrug dramatically, “You don't know it, nobody really knows how this thing works."

Eventually, Romanoff swallowed her giggles and decided to step in in more seriousness.

"Wanda's right.” She tilted her head, sympathetic, “You're just gonna have to face it."

Barnes didn’t care to dignify the intervention with an answer. He easily shook his head and grabbed the travel bag from the corner. A loud sigh was heard coming from Wanda, who stood there rather defeated and crossing her arms. Looking around, she frowned at the amount of clothes and garbage that lied all over the floor and didn’t seem to bother Bucky in the slightest.

"Have you always been this messy?” she judged him, taking her anger out on that unimportant detail, “You were a fugitive."

Barnes faced her and replied in ridiculous anger, "I got messier, it's one of the perks of not being on the run!"

Wanda went along with their deaf debate and proceeded to scold him about it, so that he would at least stop moving for a few seconds.

"You're running away as we speak!" Maximoff threw her hand in the air.

"Don't."

Steve hadn’t produced a single word since Barnes had abandoned the common room, followed by Natasha. The zone had remained static, only disrupted by Sam’s slow walk to the couch, where he slouched with lost eyes. Steve stood in the same spot he had been standing for the last ten minutes, both in absolute silence until Sam phrased the negation.

Rogers raised an eyebrow, "I didn't-"

"You're thinking it." Sam cut him off in annoyance.

The blonde was left to open his mouth only to shut it closed again. Both resumed their processing. Steve, even if not one of the actors of the situation, was finding himself at a mental bifurcation. Both of his best friends, the ones he had attempted to turn best friends to each other and failed multiple times, were bound. And none of them seemed too happy about it.

After minutes of more silence, it appeared as if something clicked inside of Sam’s brain.

“Fuck.” He let out, then stared at the ceiling with a sarcastic smile that was anything but happy.

He shook his head and stood up, headed to his room, and rarely to be seen again.

In fact, he began avoiding the rest of the team quite successfully. He picked up every small, individual mission or debriefing, and made sure to spend as much time away from the kitchen as possible. Tony asked him what was going on at the tower that had everybody so tense, when Sam met him at Stark Industries.

Back at SHIELD headquarters, an unexpected visit surprised him on labor hours. He was dropping some paperwork at an empty office where Maria Hill was supposed to be, and as he turned to the open door, his eyes clashed against a figure standing in his way.

“Look who’s still alive.” Natasha smiled, leaning against the doorframe and crossing her arms.

Sam was left to do less than nod. He merely acknowledged her presence and didn’t deny his disappearance for the last days.

“Just taking some time.” He let out with detachment, “I think I earned it.”

He was referring to the injury he had suffered on the job. Samuel Wilson was never one to cut schedules or skip work; as a matter of fact, he was the first one to openly judge and poke fun at whoever showed themselves lazy when it came to avenging. That whoever being, very often, Bucky. Usually, and he hadn’t failed to prove it, not even getting his ass kicked would be enough for Sam to take any sort of injury leave. However, this time, even with his ribs and shoulder healed, he decided to pretend like he hadn’t been working as much. Of course, he simply had managed to get work done without alerting the nosy –and preoccupied- team members nor Barnes of his whereabouts.

“As long as you need.” Romanoff did her best to support him and let him know he wasn’t being judged nor reprimanded for shutting out. “We just miss you ‘s all.”

A small, appreciative smile popped up on Wilson’s face, which was enough for Natasha. All she wanted was to make sure Sam was alive and well, after all. And to report to Steve that Sam was alive and well. Seconds of awkward silence passed until Natasha uncrossed her arms and took one step forward, in order to attain some sort of intimacy.

“You okay?” she asked endearingly.

“Yep.” Sam popped his lips, failing to sound very convincing.

Another wave of quiet hit the office. Now that Natasha had reached out, perhaps he could get some information from the other side. Asking the former double-agent seemed fitting.

“Is-?” he tried to formulate the question, yet fell short of words.

Noticing his struggling, Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“You’re asking me if James is alright?” she managed to assume, which earned her a hesitant head tilt from her coworker; the redhead couldn’t conceal an amused grin, “I wouldn’t know. You’re so good at avoiding each other, we don’t see any of you anymore.”

However, Wilson didn’t appear as amused. Instead, the spy’s response only made him remember how deeply bad he felt about this whole thing. He wanted to talk to Bucky. He wanted to clear things out, even if Sam himself didn’t know what clear was at that point, but he figured they could decipher it together. For some unknown reason, Sam felt drawn to being in Bucky’s presence. He would often find himself pursuing said presence, without even realizing how willingly. And especially now, he felt the need to confront the man. Maybe he was used to his company, or maybe it was something else. Maybe it had to do with the bond.

“Something on your mind?” Natasha drew him away from his thoughts, yet quickly realized how both oblivious and redundant that sounded, “Besides the obvious.” She tilted her head to the side with sympathy.

Sam thought hard about that one. Yes, there were a million things on his mind at that very second, but he lacked the energy and courage to build an entire therapy session right there and then. The amount of things he could get off his chest would take him hours to go through, probably. Still, there was one specific detail that he considered to be a good start in his process; hopefully, communicating it to someone –with that someone being interested enough to ask– would help.

So he leaned on the desk and sighed, preparing to tell the story as he stared down to his dressing shoes.

"Remember when we were taking down SHIELD... back in the warehouse where they kept Fury." Once he pushed through the opening sentence, he stared up to check on Natasha’s attention.

She nodded, a frown planted on her face, and went back to crossing her arms over her chest. Sam knew she didn’t mean to look unapproachable but was simply attempting to understand him fully. Therefore, he took another breath and continued.

"We had just fought... him."

Sam meant the Winter Soldier. Natasha knew that Sam meant the Winter Soldier. Everyone knew that Sam never referred to the man under brainwash as Bucky, because he knew that that wasn’t Bucky. Bucky was innocent and protective and grumpy and good and Bucky would regret joining the army if it wasn’t for Steve and Bucky had nightmares about everything he did during the war and while under Hydra. The man that all three heroes had fought back in 2014 wasn’t Bucky.

"Yeah." Natasha nodded, allowing him to keep talking.

"Hydra got him at that point, right? And I can't imagine what they did to him, but... back in that warehouse, I started feeling this horrible pain.” He described the scene squinting his eyes, “Like my brain was set on fire."

"You didn't say anything." Romanoff recalled with curiosity.

He shrugged, "You had a gun wound, a headache wasn't exactly a priority to anyone at the moment." He received an understanding look from Natasha, thus agreeing with his better judgement, "Besides, it wasn't the first time."

Another concerning look plastered itself on the woman’s features.

“What do you mean?”

Suddenly, Wilson began regretting opening up in the first place.

“Nothing.” He shook his head, but quickly regained the strength to at least finish the story, “Just… that soulmate bond? I felt it way back. Before Barnes and I met.”

Nobody had knocked on Sam’s door all afternoon, and still, there was a piece of paper that had been clearly slid under it. Whoever had dropped it off didn’t want to face him, which gave him an idea of who that was. He sighed, already emotionally drained from his talk with Natasha, one that had become much longer than anticipated, and bent his back to pick it up from the floor.

Once in his hands, he noticed it was a note. And in it, although there was no signature nor name, an apology he easily trailed back to Bucky.

"I'm sorry for coming at you like that.

I don't think you're obsessed with soulmates.

And you're definitely not crazy.

That would be me, actually."

The former assassin continued to try and find a way out of the situation, and exclusively, a way out that wouldn’t hurt Sam. That was all he cared about, really: not dragging a good and kind man into his mess.

He often locked himself with distracting activities, but lately, he had become much more proactive in not avoiding reality. First, he had slid an apology note under Sam’s door. Now, he needed to come up with a solution.

Googling about soulmate research and crazy theories, he stumbled upon a website, a help group for people who felt their soulmate's bond when it was too late: people who felt the injury that killed their unknown significant-other-to-be. The first testimony was already dark and unnecessarily informative: a woman narrated the sensation of sliced wrists on her untouched skin.

Bucky felt the mix of sadness and frustration revolting his guts, and he shut the laptop closed with a groan. Not only did the thought of people suffering such unjust fates regarding their love-lives disgust him, but it also killed his hope of an escape. If the whole thing could be so cruel to simple human beings, then maybe his bond to Sam was a sick joke.

He decided to walk up to Wilson’s room complex, and this time, he did knock on the door.

The man’s voice was heard from inside, "Come in."

For some reason, the sound of his voice hit Bucky in the stomach. He hadn’t heard him in a while, which wasn’t usual for them, but still, this wasn’t like the other times they had spent time apart. This time, they knew about this weird, unknown and unspoken bond. It could mean that the other had feelings for them, or it could mean they themselves felt things and didn’t even know it.

It was confusing as it was, and now hearing Sam’s voice made it all much more dizzying.

Nevertheless, Bucky gathered up some strength and opened the door. Sam was sitting on his desk, working on a laptop. It looked like he had been taking a little break, by the look of his relaxed body leaned on the chair and the mug of coffee on his hands.

As soon as Sam recognized the person walking into his room, he stood up and abandoned the mug on top of his desk.

"Did you read my note?" Barnes broke the ice.

Sam nodded, suddenly forgetting what to do with one’s hands.

"Yeah."

Bucky replied with a similar nod. The quiet tension surrounding them was too much to ignore, so Bucky simply slid his hands inside the back pocket of his jeans and shut his eyes, preparing for the conversation they were about to have.

"I don't-“ he sighed, still not opening his eyes, and went straight to the point, “I can't be your soulmate."

Sam raised his eyebrows and pretended the sentence didn’t hurt.

"Gee, thanks." He mocked.

"You know we can't." Bucky reiterated in all seriousness when he met Sam’s gaze.

Unfortunately, both men meant completely different things. On his part, Wilson had processed the bond as something tricky, because they hadn’t been best friends in the past. For some time they even believed to dislike each other.

"Yeah, took me by surprise as well. But I doubt there's much we can do about it." The veteran shrugged, doing his best to conceal how unwanted the chat was making him feel.

Bucky scratched his forehead with nervousness.

"If I just... go away." He began, and before Sam could interrupt the presentation of his dumb idea, he raised his palm in somewhat desperation, "Just, hear me out.” He pleaded, “I leave. For good. And eventually you can find someone else."

"That's not-"

"Not how it works, I've heard that.” Bucky spat with frustration, “But what about people who skip the rules? The ones who never have a soulmate. Or the ones who swear they've had two in a lifetime, that's...” the soldier had to stop and breathe after such a declaration, “…we can skip the rules."

After making sure that Barnes was done explaining his brilliant plan, Sam stepped in.

"Sounds awfully romantic for a plan to avoid romance." He said sarcastically.

Bucky knew that behind the jokes, Sam had actually listened and therefore was considering the offer. He let the thought sit in for a few more minutes, but as Sam failed to say anything, which consequentially meant he wasn’t agreeing, the brunette continued to try and convince him.

"I just... it ain't me.” He shook his head, “That's not fair."

Eventually, Wilson started to follow Bucky’s trail of thought. It suddenly didn’t sound like the problem were Bucky’s feelings for him, but Bucky’s feelings about himself.

He frowned, “What, for me?"

Barnes stared at him like he had expected him to understand that ages ago.

"Yeah, you know...” He said now with less confidence, “I'm Barnes. I'm pretty sure this is the universe punishing you for something."

The former assassin had a rapid intrusive thought about how he didn’t use to believe in bigger purposes, and now that he was part of one, any divine reason behind a soulmate bond could potentially make sense to him.

"Unless you got a dark past we haven't heard about, you don't deserve this." He finally added, making sure they were on the same page.

The total picture finally kicked into Sam’s brain.

"Is that why you think I don't like this situation? Your baggage?"

On his part, Bucky kept thinking that he was in the right, so he figured Sam wouldn’t have the nicest opinion on the matter.

"Just forget it, okay? I'm telling you I can be out here by tomorrow.” He insisted, avoiding the subject of his baggage, “Just don't tell Steve or he'll try to convince-"

"Do you think-“ Sam cut him off, raising his voice, “Do you think I don't want you as my soulmate because you used to be the Winter Soldier?"

By then, it was Bucky who felt a little in the dark.

"I mean..."

"No! It's because you're annoying as hell!” Sam snapped, his disbelief becoming plain anger, “And this is the perfect example. You didn't even let me face you, you jumped- no, sprinted to conclusions, and can't even hold a proper conversation without trash talking over me."

The fact that Sam actually wanted to give the bond a try got through Bucky’s thick skull after weeks of denying the possibility of it. And it should have made him joyful, to know that Sam didn’t view him like some sad obligation or cruel punishment. He wanted to be happy about it, but receiving a scolding from Wilson never failed to offend him. It was sort of their dynamic.

Bucky’s shocked expression turned into a tantrum-like one, "Oh, like you're so amazing yourself!"

"Trust me, I am amazing.” Sam flaunted himself with a big accusatory hint in his tone, “I'm over here trying to discuss things, despite you being emotionally unavailable.”

Barnes wanted to comeback, to interrupt Sam with a winning argument, but there was none. He hadn’t given any situation a try; not talking to Sam when he found out in the first place, not communicating their mindsets, not listening. He found himself at a loss of words, his mouth gaping and closing again. Sam continued to get hyped up in the worse way possible.

“You keep saying how you'll leave the tower forever, meanwhile I'm-"

Bucky’s loss of words turned into a raging wave of bravery. The knot in his stomach made him feel impulsive, and the sensation that just trying would solve everything pushed him to do the unthinkable.

He interrupted not with an insult, but with a kiss. He took two large leaps in order to close the gap between them, grabbed Sam’s face by each side and collided their lips roughly. The messy mouth crashing against his took Sam by surprise, but he easily gave in, which not only allowed Bucky to continue, but also to tidy the contact. They became gentle, their lips mending with each other like fitting puzzle pieces, and instantly moving in synchrony.

The hands that were holding Sam’s face lowered to the back of his neck, which Bucky held sweetly with his flesh thumb running up and down his nape. It only took Sam half a second to react and hold Bucky’s waist, dragging him close until their chests were impossibly together. They could both feel the other’s heartbeats thumping and decreasing their rapid rate as they reacted to each other’s caresses.

Nothing could have prepared them for how right it felt to have their heads spinning, stomach churning, warmth setting a home inside their ribcages.

As soon as one of them ended the contact and their wet lips were feeling cold without the other, both pairs of wide eyes met in shock.

"Oh." Sam let out.

The onomatopoeia not only let Bucky know that Sam wasn’t expecting the chemistry either, but also that the chemistry had been just as explosive for Sam as well. The brunette stepped back, losing his grip on Sam’s shoulders and losing Sam’s grip on his own waist.

"Yeah." He let out with a breath, agreeing.

Sam copied Barnes and stepped back as well, allowing some distance between them while they let what they had just felt sink in.

A frown took over Sam’s eyebrows.

"I still kinda hate you, though."

Bucky let a small chuckle escape, "God, this is so stupid." He said before engaging in a penetrant stareoff, which he lost; he glanced at the door and ran one hand down his face, "I'm gonna go. Not walking away from a discussion, just... leaving it at that." He defended himself although he wasn’t being accused of anything.

Still, the second that he stepped out the door and into the hallway, Sam spoke in hopes of being heard by the long gone figure.

"That's the definition of walking out."

#sambucky #sam wilson #bucky barnes #sam wilson x bucky barnes #soulmate au #sambucky fanfic #marvel fanfiction #ftws #the falcon and the winter soldier #angst #fluff #tw: suicide #tw: self harm #sam wilson/bucky barnes

91 notes · View notes

jamaisjoons · 4 years

Note

(1/7) I'm sorry this is going to be super long, so if you actually answer this I'll be so thankful lol... idk how much experience you have in relationships and sexuality and whatnot but I just really need to ask someone about this and you seem super friendly and nice so I wanted to ask you, and if anyone else reading this ask wants to give me advice I'd love and appreciate that as well - I'll keep an eye on the comments 💜 So I've been in a relationship for over 5 years now. I want to preface

this ask is incredibly long and if therefore the rest, along with my response, is under the read more!

(2/7) this with saying that I'm not unhappy with my relationship overall. And I honestly do prioritize emotional connection over physical, but this is something that's been on my mind recently, especially since I started getting into reading fanfics and learning more about how diverse and explorative someone can be with sexuality. My current boyfriend was my first serious relationship so I never experienced anyone else sexually. And I know stories romanticize, dramatize, and exaggerate things

(3/7) so I don't expect that I should be able to experience my sex life exactly as its portrayed in the fictions I read. I've been generally content with my sex life with my boyfriend, while maybe not fully satisfied but content. But lately its been bothering me. I've always had a higher drive than him so I don't mind needing to... take care of myself most days and just have sex whenever he's up for it. (Although he gets whiny if I'm not up for it the day he is, which I guess is partly fair

(4/7) since there's only like 2 days a month I'm not horny lol). And I do tend to take quite a bit longer to uh... well, cum, than he does as well so I've never really taken any offense to him not trying super hard to get me there. Lately it has been bothering me though... he does give effort to it most of the time but gives up because he has trouble getting the right spots and/or it takes a long time (and yeah I chalk that up to female anatomy being more complicated than male so while it is

(5/7) disappointing, I excuse it because of that) But it bothers me because I feel like I try to push myself more to figure out what he likes and try different things out of my comfort zone more than he does for me. (i.e. I've recently started trying to get used to anal even though so far its painful and I haven't found pleasure in it yet because it's something he's always wanted to do). He also loves blow jobs and always wants one - kind of expects it and gets disappointed if I tell him I don't

(6/7) want to that day and sometimes (most of the time) tries to push it, even though I don't push him if he doesn't want to go down on me. I've more or less given up on trying to cum when we have sex, just kind of settled on enjoying it for a while and helping him and then finishing myself off after. I'll sometimes ask him to help afterwards, and he'll help with some stimulation like nipple play and stuff for a bit, but if he's already gotten his release I feel like he treats it like a chore.

(7/7) It's just been bothering me more and more lately. I'm worried about talking to him about it because idk if I'm just being needy or if he'll be offended or upset. And I don't really know how to fix it anyway so idk how to bring it up or any solutions to offer but since its been bothering me more I don't want to just leave it as it is. Do you have any advice for me? Also I'm SO SORRY for the novel and going probably too detailed into my sex life... I hope this wasn't bothersome or annoying!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

i’m gonna preface this with im not a professional and any advice i give is based on my own feelings and thoughts and based on experiences of my own and they won’t be the same as yours! please take caution reading/heeding any of my advice because really i’m not any different to you and i have no real qualifications for giving out sexual advice.

so honestly speaking, i have a fear of commitment and trust issues and as a result i don’t very often partake in committed relationships (i’ve been willingly and happily single for YEARS) - and my previous ones weren’t all that good either (my last two ended with cheating rip). but i’m happy to help in any way possible and it means a lot that you feel like you can speak to me about this!

Okay so, my first point is that sex is honestly diverse and yes its always mindblowing in fics, but in reality its not always the case. sometimes sex is bland, sometimes its really good, and sometimes you don’t really enjoy yourself (not in a bad or nonconsensual way, but more it doesn’t leave you as fulfilled as it could and it just feels,,,, meh for a lack of better word for it). that being said, considering you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and it’s your first and (i assume only? sexual partner) i can potentially see why its just been a case of contentment and not real fulfilment - especially, since it seems you haven’t really been communicating and taking each other’s feelings into consideration? well him more so than you.

Side point, he really shouldn’t be whining if you don’t want to have sex but as long as he’s not pressuring you into anything its fine - people tend to whine (i know i do sometimes too)

Okay so in terms of cumming, not everyone takes the same amount of time to cum. some really need lots of stimulation and stuff in order to really cum and others cum really quickly. its an individual thing - but you definitely seem like the former. That being said, just because you take longer to cum and the female anatomy is more complex (really its not t H A T hard) doesn’t mean he should give up - you work hard for him to make him cum and he should do the same for you. especially since you’ve been together for so long.

A lot of this seems that you’re actively trying more than he is (you’re not obligated to give him oral, especially if he doesn’t reciprocate and he definitely shouldn’t push it). In terms of anal, the human body is different from person to person and not everyone is wired the same. just because someone else enjoys anal doesn’t mean you will, and if it’s painful and you’re not enjoying it, perhaps it’s best to tell him to stop because you get nothing out of it. if he loves you, he’ll make the sacrifice even if he enjoys it (like you’ve been doing for him this entire time). If he’s cummed and he’s not actively wanting to make you cum - you need to call him out on it because it's not fair for him to orgasm and for you to work for it yourself. it’s downright selfish and bad sexual practices and more than anything its not okay and its not a healthy sex life.

I think my best advice right now is to actually talk and communicate with him. A good, healthy sexual relationship that satisfies both parties, can only and will only ever be possible through open communication. you’ve been together five years and you’ve said you’re happy with your relationship overall - which means that you’ve known each other long enough to openly communicate with each other about your likes/dislikes/things you want to try/how they can help. Thats the blanket one, but here are some things you can talk to him about:

In terms of making you cum - you know your body better than anyone else, so perhaps showing him what places are your erogenous zones may be an effective way. If you feel comfortable, sit in front of him and masturbate - show him what gets you off. Sometimes even have him participate - direct his hands to where you want him, tell him when something feels good, when something doesn’t feel so good. but communicate

Tell him that you always try for him and it’s upsetting and makes you feel unsatisfied when he doesn’t put in the same enthusiasm. in sexual relationships, there is compromise and sometimes you do things you don’t necessarily enjoy just as an act of love and care (one of my irls hated giving her boyfriend blowjobs but she used to do it because he enjoyed them and that's okay because she was willing to do it out of love. there were also things he compromised for her like how he never enjoyed wearing condoms because it didn’t feel as good but she didn’t want to go on birth control so he accepted it). There are clearly things you are willing to compromise on (anal) and so he should be doing the same for you

You’re both different people and have different sexual interests and what feels good for you. You should both put in effort to explore these together. Have an actual conversation with him - and if he doesn’t take your feelings, if he starts getting upset or offended, then that speaks more for him. but if he loves you, if he’s a good partner and boyfriend, he will actively listen to you and your feelings and try and understand them. without communication sex and relationships are nothing and you cannot be afraid to speak to him or not speak to him for fear of him reacting negatively.

also if he does reactively, maybe it’s worth considering if this relationship is worth going on with. sometimes people stay with each other because it’s all they know, because they’ve been together for a long time and they fear starting fresh. but that is not healthy. if something isn’t working, no matter how much time and effort you’ve put into it, it’s not worth staying and being unhappy and the best thing you can do is gather the courage to get up, leave and move on and find happiness somewhere else.

i think ? i’ve got most of my points across, but if there’s anything you need clarification on, please do feel free to message me again! but please remember my earlier disclaimer: i am in no way shape or form a professional and i have no qualifications in order to give you advice. these are just my thoughts/opinions/how i see things!!

anyway, i hope this helped! i’m so sorry it took so long to get back to you!

#solar feral asks #solar sex ed #asks #the nameless

7 notes · View notes

skinfeeler · 4 years

Text

very serious accusations have been leveled against me recently along the lines of emotional abuse and coercing people into sexual acts. honesty demands that i respond to them.

for whatever reason, this callout starts out by citing my post in a round of discourse that happened about a year ago over this site. the crux of the discourse was that a number of straight trans women (all white) claimed to have it worse than trans lesbians because suffered from physical violence at the hands of men, as if plenty of trans lesbians haven't been in (abusive) relationships with men, experienced violence while doing sex work, or gotten assaulted or threatened in the streets— all of which were claimed to be exclusively or predominantly straight experiences. i stated that they weren't, and that moreover, straight trans women often commit a real and important violence against trans wlw: that of making what few community spaces with proper funding and that are accessible to people not already in the know/well-connected to other trans women uninhabitable to trans wlw. i see this violence as important, and i consider this dynamic inextricable from the suicides of trans wlw in which social isolation and inability to find a support system were leading factors. it was never the equation of 'white trans suicide' with 'twoc murder', since i was (quite on purpose) relating my statements only to the white straight trans women who claimed to be the exclusive victims of violence. it could be said that a large problem with this discourse was in fact that it was mostly white people involved in it, which i'll admit to being oblivious to at the time.

nevertheless, it wasn't the kind of colorblind rhetoric that eris accused me of. moreover, in the context of this callout it kind of only seems to serve the purpose of "dawn said a bad thing and that makes everything i did to her, which i obliquely omit in my callout of her completely warranted," and obviously i can't abide by that, so therefore, this clarification of what i actually said.

now on to what eris actually wanted to talk about.

eris and i had a very troubling association back when we were friends. we flirted a lot, fucked around, but early on in our contact i got raped and my behavior became increasingly erratic. while initially we were headed to a real committed relationship, this acute trauma made a lot of complex and repeated trauma resurface, and with it a lot of commitment anxiety. call it jerking her around, call it sending mixed signals, call it playing with her feelings, i will insist that i simply didn't know what i wanted with her, if i could be with her in any way. i do recognise that this was painful to her. however, the way she frames it, as me purposefully hurting by still talking about other girls i find hot — of course it's easier to be unequivocally into people who you have never properly approached in a romantic sense, when you haven't even gotten close enough to either get rejected or to become stuck together, this much should be easy enough to understand — is completely absurd. frankly, i find this oblique language that describes my behavior as fidgety and neurotic recent rape victim as being emotionally abusive in a real sense insulting and repulsive. i understand that it hurt, and this is part of why i decided to cut ties: we simply weren't good for each other.

frankly the only thing worth taking seriously here at all is the severe accusation of me pressuring her girlfriend jackie into sexual acts and that i did my best to isolate these two from each other and the world at large. it's difficult to exonerate myself here because in order to talk about it, i have to talk about conversations about sex that were had, revealing people's proclivities and in general disregarding a couple boundaries. i can however quite simply state that i never 'punished' eris for talking about jackie by blocking her unannounced: what actually happened is that i tried to negotiate something with eris with regards to jackie and that the only meaningful response i got was her gloating about how she was with jackie (who i had feelings for at the time) but i'm not. obviously that was hurtful, and after saying as much — no worse than "maybe people would like you better if people said things like these" which sure, is mean but not exactly a torrent of verbal abuse — i blocked her for literally less than two days, immediately after which i started talking to her again and which i eventually apologised for. hardly the pattern of controlling behavior i'm being accused of, and certainly not a de facto ban for eris to talk about jackie ever. i understand that eris from this point on may have had trouble speaking about jackie, but i cannot be held responsible for someone being so unwilling to communicate with me and to take care of her own emotional affairs that i end up being blamed for me very simply saying that i am hurt in the most barely assertive of voices.

i will say this much: if you (the reader) and i are close, and you take these accusations seriously, then i am willing to present documents that i believe make it clear that what was stated to happen didn't happen. it takes the form of a small amount of screenshots, a statement by jackie herself (archived on pastebin by herself), as well as my own testimony. all placed into context, it makes it clear what actually happened. the nature of this material is obviously sensitive and of sexual nature, which is why i've treated it with such care up until this point.

i had to search back thorugh logs time and time again to convince myself that i didn't do what i am being accused of and what people tried to browbeat me into believing without even bothering to listen to my narrative (even though accusations of this kind are very severe and they pretended to be friends with me at the time) and i would honestly consider my accusers to do the same. trauma and mental illness can cause memories to be conflated especially in highly volatile situations, but we all have the responsibility to do the occasional reality check which fortunately, given that this is all on record, is extenuatingly easy. i know that i spent many hours doing so.

in short: trying to figure out what i want in a relationship with someone without making this fully clear isn't emotional abuse, the fact that eris felt unwanted does not definitely implicate me as an emotional abuser. i did not pressure anyone into any sexual acts which i can and will prove as necessary— although i refuse to be part of a de facto public court which these people very willingly instated without provocation or any real attempts at reconciliation or respect for the ways in which _they_ severely damaged me in the wake of acute sexual trauma, the ways they were careless with me. please keep this in mind as you engage with my words.

"you are hurting me, we are hurting each other" is the simplest statement to make, and "please do not use private communication channels to contact me and although i am more than willing to share group spaces with you, please do not use group conversations for the explicit purpose of soliciting my attention" is the simplest boundary to set. eris broke that boundary in record time by sending me an ask in which she impugned me as a hulking aggressive troon for so much as me setting it, as part of her long-standing legacy of openly despising trans women who aren't demure like her.

i will not be deterred from doing my best to protect myself, no matter how vile some people may think that to be.

7 notes · View notes

elareine · 5 years

Text

Adamare (7/7)

Read here on ao3.

Year Seven

“And that’s it! Tim Wayne has caught the snitch! The final score is 340-280! Slytherin wins the house cup!”

Jason was yelling. He wasn’t the only one. Finally, finally someone had dethroned Gryffindor. Even Slytherin champions were preferable to those smug assholes winning the fourth year in a row.

Tim landed on the field, the fist holding the snitch raised triumphantly, and was immediately swarmed by his teammates. The audience was pouring out onto the field, Jason just one of the many people intent on delivering their congratulations in person.

He stopped some feet away from the player’s pile. Seeing Tim being at the center of attention in a positive way made for a nice change. He deserved every bit of praise that was being screamed at him and then some. Jason wasn’t going to interrupt that.

Tim, though, looked up, saw Jason, and straight away detangled himself to run over. Jason laughed and opened his arms to catch him. The kiss Tim pressed to his lips was a bit of a surprise—they weren’t exactly hiding their relationship, but this was a whole other level of PDA—but he sank into willingly, letting Tim conquer his mouth the same way he’d conquered the pitch.

Hours later found them sitting in the Slytherin common room, surrounded by partygoers. Tim had been dragged here and there, but he kept returning to Jason’s side, snuggling up more and more openly the more drinks he had to down in celebration. Jason wasn’t about to discourage him.

Tim’s hand pulled at his sleeve. “Hey, Jason?”

Jason obediently ducked down so his face was level with Tim’s. “Yes?”

“We won,” Tim whispered as if it was a secret.

Jason grinned at his sweaty mess of a boyfriend. “You did.”

“No, we did,” Tim insisted. “You and I.”

“Pretty sure I didn’t contribute anything to your Quidditch team.”

“No, no, you did! Without you, I’d—I’d—” Tim was gesticulating wildly now. Jason just about caught his hand before it poked an eye out. “You’re important!” he finished lamely.

Jason did his best not to laugh at him. “Okay, I think you had enough for tonight, hmm?”

Tim looked like he wanted to protest, then reevaluated the situation. “If I say yes, can we have victory sex?”

Next to them, Conner just about choked on his drink.

“God, winning is the best,” Tim sighed contently. He’d sobered up a bit by now, but his movements were still languid, his posture relaxed as he clung to Jason like a particularly affectionate octopus.

“Going to chase your dreams and become a pro, after all?” Jason asked, eyes laughing.

Tim snorted. “Yeah, ‘cause being even more exposed is the exact thing we need right now.”

There was a heaviness behind his words, worry about a future in the current political climate, that Jason was determined to chase away. “Aww, think about all the screaming fans that will never have a chance to moon over you if you don’t go pro.”

“Aren’t you supposed to encourage a lack of competition?”

Jason hummed thoughtfully. “I dunno… I kinda liked watching you today.”

“I knew watching me play gets you hot.”

“What can I say? It’s all these sticks and the sweat… and knowing that everyone might want to blow you for that catch, but I’m the one who gets to.”

Tim’s smile turned smug with the memory. “That you did. Thank Merlin for single rooms. Dating the head boy has its advantages.”

“Not to mention silencing charms.” Jason didn’t think the walls alone would’ve been enough to keep their privacy (or what was left of it after Tim’s announcement at the party). Not with the way Tim had moaned when Jason had finally gotten his mouth on him. Man, they really had improved a lot since that first, fumbling time.

Tim blushed. “Yeah, those too.”

“We better get assigned as roommates during basic training, or there’s gonna be a problem.”

“About that…”

Jason waited. This had been hanging over them ever since career day when Jason had signed up for Auror orientation with Tim. He didn’t know why Tim hadn’t asked. Was Tim worried that Jason was doing this to please him? Or that he was feeling pressure to follow in Bruce’s footsteps?

“I just don’t understand why you want to become an Auror,” Tim finally said.

“I don’t.”

“Then why—”

“I want to do the basic Auror training while I get my teaching certificate.”

Tim stared at him for a long moment. Then he punched Jason.

There wasn’t any leverage, wrapped up in each other as they were, so Jason just laughed and tightened his arms around him. Tim tried to wiggle out of them, which inevitably lead to tickling, which ended in both of them back where they’d been, even more breathless and red-faced than before.

Settling back down onto Jason’s chest, Tim told him: “I always thought you’d make an amazing teacher.”

“Not here. A school that takes in everyone, no restrictions on wealth or blood status. A school that protects kids and prepares them.”

“A sanctuary.” Tim smiled at him so fondly; Jason still didn’t know how do deal with that.

“Yeah. Bruce says it sounds like the exact thing the Martha Wayne Foundation was created for, so. He already has a few properties we’ll be looking at this summer. It will take some time, of course, we need a permit and to hire teachers, and I need to do more research about inclusive education—I’m thinking of taking a muggle university class for that if we can fake a GED—”

Tim kissed him long and gentle. When he pulled away, he whispered: “I’m so proud of you.”

Jason swallowed. As much as he liked the attention his boyfriend was giving him, Tim hadn’t once said where he saw himself in all of this. “Look, I talked to the recruiters—the Auror ones, I mean—and they said that you can live anywhere you want after training. It just needs portkey access. ”

“Will that be a problem during training for you?”

“Uh, no?” Jason frowned, trying to make his meaning clearer. “All I’m saying is that once we’re done with training and you start saving the world on a daily basis, you could, you know, still live with me. If you wanted.”

“You mean, there is a place for me at your school?” Tim whispered.

“Of course it’s only if you want it—” Jason started reassuring when it hit him what Tim was asking. God, they needed to get better at this communication thing. “Wait, you didn’t think I’d break up with you after graduation or something?”

Tim visibly stalled. “Uh—”

“Tim, you absolute nutfuck,” Jason told him as lovingly as possible, “you’re my best friend, I love you, and I want to spend as much time as possible with you. No, I’m not breaking up with you, and I’ll punch you if you try.”

Tim swallowed and hid his face in Jason’s neck. “Oh. Okay.” He sounded kind of choked, but Jason could feel his smile against his skin, so he figured it was fine.

Smiling to himself, he pulled Tim even closer by the waist and arranged them more comfortably. It was going to be morning soon; the first blues of pre-dawn were visible through the window. They should sleep, or tomorrow would be hell. Warm and happy as he was, Jason didn’t think it would be a problem for either of them.

“I love you too, by the way,” Tim murmured.

“Go to sleep, hotshot.”

#jaytim #jaytimbingo2019 #elareine writes #adamare

39 notes · View notes

evakuality · 5 years

Text

They probably want clarity as well: Communication in Druck s3 (part six)

This is the sixth and final part of my discussion of the theme of communication in s3 of Druck. You can find the other parts here:

You look good tonight: Communication in Druck s3 (part one)

Make a clear statement, straight up: Communication in Druck s3 (part two)

He doesn’t talk to me: Communication in Druck s3 (part three)

Do you want to talk to me? Communication in Druck s3 (part four)

I want to tell you so much: Communication in Druck s3 (part five)

I got really caught up in all the Abi stuff this last week and so didn’t get this finished. Whoops. I mean, it was worth it, and you know, I’m here finally with the last part of this communication analysis of mine. The analysis that was supposed to be one or maybe two posts long. And yet here we are, six posts later and we’re finally finishing. Anyway. Episode ten. The one where everything comes to a nice conclusion in terms of communication. The old reliance on nonverbal communication has dissipated somewhat (though there are still heavy traces) and actually communicating verbally is suddenly ‘in’ for our lovely characters. Well, for some of them.

Of course, having said that nonverbal communication takes a back seat, we go right into a situation where nonverbal communicating is rife. In the first clip, Matteo and David know exactly what they’re doing, why they’re doing it and there’s no discussion. Out loud, anyway. It’s actually a really lovely moment, as consent is sought and given multiple times without having to verbalize it at all. It’s a very good example of how you can make consent work naturally and organically in these moments. One nice thing is the way it calls back to the conversations around Carlos and Kiki and how she wanted sex and he didn’t know, and the much more obvious parallel with Sara and her attempts with Matteo in which his nonverbal signals clearly shouted out a huge ‘no’ and which she didn’t really deal with very well. Her insinuations later (via the messages, I think, which I did swear not to talk about but which seem relevant here) that he was ‘weird’ during their intimate moments and so must be gay are so hmmmm. Consent, wanting sex, asking for it, checking in on your partner about it. These are all important things that should actually be communicated clearly and openly before you get into these situations and the casual assumption she makes that if he doesn’t want it sprung on him out of the blue it must be because he’s gay is so dodgy. Still it does serve as a nice counterpoint to what happens here. The fact that earlier in the season communication around sex was so bad (neither Kiki and Carlos nor Sara and Matteo managed to approach it well), just makes this moment here stand out more. We don’t see them talking about it but it’s clear in what they do and how they act that they are both willing and that they probably talked about it before they got to David’s place that night. The discussions in this season about how you navigate the delicate issues of sex and consent are really fascinating and I could probably write an entire many-thousand-word essay on it, but I’ll leave it there for now.

The only time they do actually speak in this clip, the apparently untranslatable nervous/excited comments, is nakedly honest. Not only is it honest, but it’s accepted and treated with understanding. The communication underlying the words is ‘I need to take this slow’ and there’s an innate understanding and acceptance of that need, a willingness to listen to what is being communicated rather than just spoken. And that’s pretty much where Matteo and David are in their relationship at the moment. It’s all out there and all on the line. ‘I love you’ is felt and has been expressed by both. They’re secure and content now, and in fact any secrets they may have had are now completely gone. Not only are they open and honest with each other but they’re also open and honest with the world. Matteo wasted no time at all in shouting his feelings to the entire world via his instagram. Indeed, he hasn’t stopped. He’s come a long way from the start of the season when he was so careful with everything and hid his true feelings behind his memes and his casually isolationist attitude. Even from more recent times when he posted cryptic things that literally only David would understand. He’s quite at ease communicating openly and honestly about who he is and who he loves.

Obviously, we then move into the next morning where there’s more open and honest communication happening. The thing here too is that we’ve been set up throughout the whole season for this point. From the beginning these two have been more willing to be vulnerable and open with each other than with other people. And that still holds true. We don’t see them have these deeply personal conversations with anyone else. It’s highly unlikely that David would so willingly talk about his past and how he’s felt about it with everyone. He’s open and out about it, yes, but that wasn’t his choice with most other people. But even though he’s seemingly okay with people knowing, he doesn’t trust them in the same way that he trusts Matteo. Part of that is obviously because he hasn’t known them for as long or as well. But it’s at least partly because, from the first moment when David shared his art notebook and Matteo respected his boundaries around what he was and wasn’t allowed to see, David has known that he can trust these parts of himself with Matteo. That hasn’t been an easy road to walk for either of them. But that early foundation is what led to this. They have always been good at communication of the important kind, and it has paid off at this point. As soon as everything was laid out for each of them this was inevitable. Because they’ve been building to this point all along and every time one or the other shared something vulnerable or fragile with the other, the other respected it. We’ve been shown all along what good communication looks like and it’s no surprise that they are able to be so casual and easy together.

The third clip is where we’re really allowed to see the point of communication in this season. In fact, the message is pushed quite a lot. Abdi serves as a reminder of where some of our characters have been: awkwardly trying to communicate via ineffective metaphors instead of real words. He’s so clueless around how to do it that he doesn’t even pick up on what the boys are so desperately trying to tell him. In fact it’s not until Matteo and David use their words clearly that he actually figures it out at all. What’s really interesting is that in episode seven, the boys had given literally the exact same advice to Matteo who instantly took it, and for whom that was a big turning point in terms of moving his relationship forward. He’d already been good at communicating with David, particularly nonverbally but with words too, but it wasn’t til that point that he actually made a ‘clear statement’ of his needs and was therefore able to make things clear and open with David. As I said when discussing that episode, neither Jonas nor Abdi was making his own ‘clear statement’ at this point and they still aren’t. The fact that this is still the advice being given shows that they’ve stagnated. Matteo and David are perfectly in their rights to be smug here. They’re actually very good examples of communicators and these other boys are still good examples of bad communicators.

Before all this, we have a discussion around Jonas’s song for graduation and it’s really quite awkward, highlighting the differences between Matteo and the other boys. Matteo states plainly that he likes the song and leaves it at that. Direct and clear. By contrast, Carlos while clearly trying to give good genuine feedback actually offends Jonas because he isn’t reading the situation very well. Jonas’s body language and actions are of someone who’s hearing stuff he doesn’t want to. But frustratingly he doesn’t say this. He just gets up and walks away and doesn’t address it. The others try to recover once they do realise but the damage is done. Unfortunately, here we have an example of communication going awry. It serves, again, to highlight just how much better at communication Matteo has become. This sort of behaviour is what he used to do, vague comments or literal walking away or isolating himself, culminating (with this group) in him finally speaking his mind to his friends by finally having enough and yelling at them and kicking them out of his house in episode 6. It’s been shown to be not healthy, and there’s clear warning for the way these boys are communicating. Of course, this again sets us up for the ‘you could say it with words’ ‘directly’ thing. They know what they’re talking about, partly because they’ve been there and done that and realised how bad it tends to go but also partly because they genuinely have good communication skills. Matteo has had to extrapolate them out from David to other people but he got there.

Abdi and Sam is an interesting example of specifically how these characters are not good at this communication business. He says here that him not getting with Sam must be his fault and there’s some truth to that because he literally hasn’t told her how he feels. But he doesn’t work that out, instead assuming (don’t make assumptions, people!) that it’s because she doesn’t want to sleep with him. But he offered her a lollipop! And she didn’t understand it! There’s no hope! Even when he’s told to tell her he equivocates. He prefers ‘sucuk with eggs’ over actually saying he likes her. He can’t possibly tell her that directly. And it is a scary thing to do, of course. We’ve all been there where saying something directly would be the best course of action but anxiety or insecurity or whatever has held us back. Unfortunately for Abdi’s progress in getting past that here, he’s encouraged by his other friends to keep with the awkward metaphors. It allows him to slide back from the actually good advice and keep thinking that he can use lollipops etc. The fact that in the recent content, even when he’s trying to be clear and open, he takes Carlos’s terrible advice to use ‘sucuk and eggs’ rather than just saying ‘hey I like you’ shows that, while it seems to have worked in the short term, he’s still not great at communicating and things are still not clear and ‘direct’ between him and Sam. The others are no better. Jonas is making awkward attempts at wooing Hanna via song and longing looks, and that too just isn’t working. Even Carlos who’s in a relationship is (at the point where we are now after the Abi stuff) not talking directly to Kiki but rather showing passive aggressive jealousy about the people she was dancing with.

Apart from Matteo and David, these characters are still not good at this, and it shows in the way all of them are having issues with their relationships (or lack of them) even to this point. We get other little hints at the way communication should be clear in the episode too. For example, in the office when Sam blurts out that they’re there to support Matteo and David and Kiki says they were trying to keep that quiet. These characters are still trying to keep things from each other and hide behind polite fictions. It’s understandable and we all do this to some extent, trying to preserve someone’s comfort etc or put our best face forward, but again here we’re told it’s better to be open. Matteo isn’t upset they’re here and so they didn’t need to hide behind the fake reason.

The message we’re being clubbed over the head with at this point is that only genuine clear communication will achieve happiness and success. Among many other messages from this season, we are being explicitly reminded that we need to talk to each other. There is an emphasis on verbal over nonverbal by this point, but there’s still a lot to be said for clear nonverbal communication; it’s just that we’re shown several times that the nonverbal can be misinterpreted, so back up with verbal communication is important. From the positive version of this in the first clip (there is a clear verbal connection to the nonverbal even while it heavily relies on the nonverbal communication) to the much less successful version in the clip with the boys talking, this is repeated over and over. Communication, in other words, is key. Just be clear and honest about it and it will all work out.

#druck #my meta stuff #davenzi

89 notes · View notes

queernuck · 4 years

Text

Who Is Mayor Pete?

an interesting phenomena surrounding that post that criticizes the supposed homophobia of backlash to Mayor Pete on grounds of how difficult it is to read him as gay, how much he comes across specifically as an assimilationist, as an example of what exactly many of us hate seeing in that community, is that there is a certain way that it resonated with TERFs which I think is important to consider. it taps into a great deal of rhetoric around the way that transmisogynist violence is enacted, how the creation of hostility in communities to ideas of queerness, faggy-ness, how the sanitization and creation of a fetishized notion of butch/femme culture has been a project of so many TERFs unfortunately, the way all of these converge into the yearning for the exact image that Mayor Pete fits: one of an incredibly assimilated, boring figure which refuses typical libidinal flows, who almost reads with a kind of sexlessness that dovetails quite nicely into the sort of policy goals that he most typically holds.

while discussing him as a Republican is perhaps not quite accurate, the way in which he is reminiscent of a recent letter to the editor where a gay man talked about how the transition from Obama to Trump impacted him little but a transition to Sanders (he fears) would ruin him due to his career as an investment banker, Buttigieg typefies this idea, the archetype of the successful gay man who has rejected all of these signifiers of gayness, who has divided himself cleanly from any kind of notion of “queerness”, of faggish tendencies, who almost more closely resembles an embodiment of the sterility and structural prescriptivism that “homosexual” would imply. He is not violating any sort of taboo except insofar as his violation thereof affirms the mirrored process: in becoming-gay, Mayor Pete does such in a way that affirms the mirroring of that process in the dominant subject, is part of a series of desiring-machines through which the libidinal flows of numerous Democrat voters may be actualized. For many, the idea of Mayor Pete as Their Gay Son is a kind of fantasy, a point in the questioning of why their own children cannot manage to just be “normal”, cannot have jobs in finance or join Naval Intelligence or become mayor of South Bend.

There are many men that outwardly appear like Mayor Pete out there, and I can hardly blame them. However, just as Mayor Pete is not Pete Buttigieg, is rather a kind of second-order simulacra intended to relate to other candidates and to voters in a certain fashion, they resemble him only in that they have these rather carefully constructed personae which they use in order to gain the advantages that apparent assimilation brings with it. In their real lives they may be fathers and husbands and have relatively normal, “basic” tastes but at the very least, if they are sexually active even with only a single partner, they violate at least some kind of taboo and become an unsuitable subject. The hate the sin love the sinner ideology is very much prevalent in ideas of even a married gay couple, where the idea of two men being married to one another and having a happy, fulfilling sexual relationship is itself revolting.

When one throws in various different scenes and communities such as PNP/Chemsex, leather, even simply going out to the wrong sorts of parties or gay bars, and what is seen as a kind of salacious and enticing possibility for heterosexuality is now a condemnation, is too much for being a violation of far too many taboos at once. That some gay men have open marriages is an indication of degeneracy. This is true, as well, for many trans women: simply enjoying sex, having sexual partners, is seen as a sort of unsuitable deviance, as part of an inherently sexual identity and moreover the reduction of trans women to fetishes, the notion that we cannot exist at all except while evoking kink, that us, gay men, lesbians, bisexuals are all constantly evoking sexuality through mere existence even when heterosexual identities are allowed to imply or mimic our own while being outwardly validated, being understood as separated from these behaviors.

A comment that particularly sticks with me from this cursory (but rather unsurprising) investigation of transmisogynists getting angry about the idea that Pete isn’t Queer Enough is an insistence that one does not want to share community with “the BTQ, you are freaky and not in a good way” as one person put it. Going beyond the usual “drop the T” rhetoric, the concentration on just lesbian and gay identities is a kind of reactionary turn toward using taxonomy and ideological fetishism to create notions of what our community should be rather than looking at who it has been, who we have found solidarity with, and moreover why this solidarity is so important. The way in which Mayor Pete most openly seems a figure of heteronormativity is not in being happily married, especially given that so many happy marriages and engagements I know of consist of two people who would be marked deviant just by their identification. It lies, rather, in the same kind of turn of separation and separatism that so many transmisogynists generally and TERFs more specifically accept as part of their ideological positioning, are eager to use as part of maneuvering into a position of accomplishing the most important parts of their ideology.

The reactionary red-brown alliances one sees TERFs willing to make (that is, if they were even really all that red to start with) are hardly accidental, and do little to advance the causes they supposedly stand for except through empty signification of a progressive simulacra of the reactionary ideology they support. The aforementioned discussion of a sort of fetishization of butch/femme identity is the means by which reference to an imagined past, one which includes these roles and imagines lesbian bars, spaces, identities is so often cleansed of any meaningful history, any connection to radical politics beyond being left-wing by the liberal standards of the current Democratic party, any kind of actual look at how and why communities of LGBT commonality were formed and realized and lived and continued and developed to this day, is used as a means of recapture for transmasc identity in order to affirm the biological determinism that their ideology necessitates. This turn is used to insist on trans men as something lesser, something denatured and not to be understood as a “man” while trans women are absolutely, ontologically men in a sense that can never be changed, that persists as the kind of marker which ignores any experience of transness in order to instead whip up a false frenzy of ideological maneuvering against vulnerable women. The conservatism of clinging to particularities of past expressions of “butch” and “femme” rather than looking at how they deride current and contemporary communities which contain plenty of butches and femmes, which contain other expressions of gendered performativity, which navigate the tensions of the sexed body through these performative creations of identification and shared space within, and most of all how many of these spaces are ones where liberation is seen as shared, as including justice on grounds of fighting antiblackness, supporting antiracism, intensely personal accounts of anti-antisemitism and anti-Islamophobia and anti-Xenophobia action, a paradigmatic antifascism, opposition to colonialism, a philosophy of anticapitalism, how vital the turn against assimilation therefore is, that the idea of assimilation as a whole involves abandonment of these ideals and instead an acceptance of the very structures that Mayor Pete most ardently advocates for, is what makes him so frustrating.

His prominence is defined so much by his assimilationism not because he is a relatively boring person with a husband. That describes plenty of people who still at least passingly validate the necessity of how LGBT histories involve anticapitalist struggles, who may themselves hold these views. There have always been people like Mayor Pete: they were the landlords driving up rent in Greenwich Village during the AIDS Crisis. They were the ones saying that bills could only pass if they dropped protections for trans people. He is a representation of the way that so many politicians only turned to supporting gay marriage when a certain arbitrary threshold was crossed by public support for the idea. The way that criticism of Mayor Pete as a politician who holds incredibly reactionary views, who has presided over violent police action and brazen codification of antiblackness within police work, who willingly joined a colonial war machine and uses that as part of his sales pitch, one who will defend the interests of capital to his dying breath as part of his campaign, one who somehow manages to propose a more cumbersome healthcare plan than Obama’s ultimately ended up being, this is the kind of candidate we have at hand.

And he is fucking awful.

#pete Buttigieg #mayor pete

4 notes · View notes