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taystrash · 6 months

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I Don't Want It, I Need It

Description: This started off as HCS for submissive men who loved to be broken and turned into a full fic. I apologize if it seems to be written weird, it's a full fic but HC 'coded'. Enjoy!

Word Count: 3.017k

Content Warnings: Nicknames used: miss, pretty boy, pretty puppy, nasty slut (like twice), cum eating, oral sex (male receiving), cowgirl, terrible attempt at aftercare. Afab reader.

Submissive men who need to be fucked dumb. They crave it, in their mind, body, and cocks. They need to be allowed to be a useless horny mess, or they’ll explode. They’re so pent up, sexually, and emotionally, they usually suck at properly communicating with you, yet you always know what they need.

When they’re having a particularly bad day, you’re calling them before they even have a chance to process the events of said day. Each limb is heavier than the next, a chore and a half to even move his body forward. His head is pounding, every light, no matter how big or small feels blinding. His fingers grip the steering wheel as he weaves through the cars on the back streets, passing when not permitted and running a few red lights. Safely, of course. He isn’t paying attention to anything that isn’t you. Your words echo in his head, offering to help relieve his stress from the day. Him being him, challenges the offer, just to be the brat he is. It doesn’t shock or surprise you, a soft giggle fills the silence afterward. You tell him he doesn’t have to come, you’d be happy to just talk to him about his day, “Just thought I could help.” Yeah, as if he’d turn that down. He’s at your house before he can think about going home to shower or at least, change. His confidence seems to dwindle the closer he gets to you. His hands seem to shake more and his cheeks have been a scarlet red since he hung up the phone. These actions confuse him to no end, it wasn’t as if he were nervous, he could take you if he needed to. Yet, he could feel his heart thumping against his rib cage, with each step he took to your door. He only has to knock once before it’s flung open. You’re in nothing but a thin, silk robe, from what he can see, the fabric is tied in the middle. He has to stop the moan that bubbles in the back of his throat at the sight of you, quickly making his way past you and into your apartment. He watches as you close and lock the door, eyes trailing your body without an ounce of shame. His fingers twitch, aching to tear the fabric from your body and reveal all of you to his eyes, it’d help him after all. “I’ve missed you.” He finally admits when you turn to face him. He has no time to be embarrassed or ashamed by the confession, not when you’re looking at him like you’re ready to devour him. “Really fucking missed you.”

It’s nights like this he doesn’t want to think much. He doesn’t want to be this all-powerful, almighty, protector of his organization, he just wants to be your good boy. He just wants to be used until he can’t think straight. He needs it. You don’t even ask him to remove his clothes, instructing him to sit on the edge of the bed and doing so for him. He feels like a child in this sense, lifting his arms when you pull off his shirt, and wiggling his hips to help you get rid of his jeans and underwear. The thought is quickly dismissed when he feels your lips against his skin. He had felt hot the moment he entered your place, yet your kisses felt hotter. Each kiss lingered a second longer than the last, some ending with a nip, others with a soft suctioning of his skin. He was aware of the marks blossoming across his skin, it made his cock twitch. He loved when you marked him up like this, along his chest, down his belly, on the insides of his thighs. You don’t stop or look disgusted when his hips jut upward at the feeling of your tongue against the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. Part of him wants you to, wants you to shame him for being such a nasty, needy slut, but the both of you know you love the fact. Your hands travel up his legs, massaging the tension out of his calves, up behind his knees to over his quivering thighs. Your nails dig into the flesh until all that’s left of your actions are small red crescent-shaped marks. The calculated switch up behind your gentle touching and your harshness throws him for a whirl, he’s losing himself earlier than normal. Today had been such a stressful, on-the-edge-of-your-seat kind of day, so he deserved this.

“Such a pretty cock.” Your words are barely above a whisper, fingers gingerly wrapping around his throbbing shaft. You give him a few simple strokes, demanding his attention. He can’t, his eyes have already found a home in the back of his skull. “Baby, look at me.” It takes everything in him to do so, it’s so worth it, his eyes rolling forward to watch you take him into your mouth. The tip of your tongue flicks along the underside of his swollen cock head, tracing the shape. The moan released as his taste invades your senses has him twitching in your hand. His knuckles whiten as his grip tightens on the sheets, hips bucking to push him entirely down your throat. There’s a second of gagging, throat constricting around him to adjust, it’s all too much. You aren’t even upset at the action, aren’t even pulling back to scold him for nearly choking you. Instead, you hum around him, tongue flicking along the underside of his cock, tip grazing his balls. Pulling off you kiss his tip, then give another before you’re about near making out with it, sucking his pre like a sweet treat. You’re just too much.

“I’m close.” He hides his face in his shoulder at the admission, embarrassed by the fact. He’s squirming beneath you, one hand shooting up to grip your wrist. He apologizes as he holds your hand in place, hips wildly bucking his cock into your fist. “Gonna cum, fuck, y-yeah, feels so fu-fucking good, so go-ood, f-fuck, gonna cum, fuck,” by this point, his eyes would’ve rolled back to their previous location, yet they remained on yours. His face twisted in pleasure and looked almost painful. He knew looked desperate, felt so needy, fucking your hand like it was your pussy. “Sorry I’m such a slut, such a-hah-fuck-such a-oh my god-“ he can’t even finish his sentence, words dying in the tip of his tongue as his stomach tightens. He cock twitches against your palm once, twice, before he cums. “Yes. Yes. Yes.” His hips have stopped, shaky hand moving yours along his cock, milking himself dry. “Thank you. Thank you.” His chest heaves, eyes wildly searching the scene. He made a mess, of himself and of you, evidence splattered across his chest, some on his chin, the majority on your cheek. He must’ve missed the way you repositioned yourself to try to catch as much as you could, ultimately missing the majority because his hips were moving without a pattern.

“My pretty boy really was pent up.” Fingers scoop his cum off your cheek, pushing it past your lips. You make a show of flicking your tongue between the two digits, moaning softly at the taste. He’s trying his best to compose himself, body still trembling from his previous orgasm. His cock lays against his thigh, twitching as it softens, his eyes widen at the sight, and he feels himself getting hard again. “Had so much for me tonight, want a taste?” Shaky eyes watch as you clean his cum from his belly, moving your hand slowly toward his lips. He goes to part them but something tells him to wait, eyes remaining on your fingers until they’re a hair away from his lips. The tips of your fingers trace the outline of his lips, carefully, trying to avoid making more of a mess. Failing to do so, results in his tongue darting out, first to catch what was falling from your fingers, second to circle the two digits before taking them into his mouth. His eyes closed at the taste of himself on his tongue, fully hard again at the lewdness of the situation. You say a silent prayer at the sight of his eyes closed, knowing the look on your face was equally as lewd. Tongue poking the corner on your lips, brows pinched, eyes swallowing him whole. “Good boy. Good fucking boy.” You pull your fingers from his mouth with a pop, wiping the rest of his mess from his chin. You go to put them into your mouth but his mouth catches your fingers again, sucking them past his lips with a shameless moan. “You like the way you taste? Yeah? You really are a nasty slut.”

“Only for you,” his hands leave the bed to grip your hips, pulling you to straddle his waist. “You make me feel like a dog in heat, humping aimlessly to get off, but I like it. I need it.” He’s sat up on his elbows, one hand leaving your hips to push you closer to him, stretching the thin robe to show your chest. His lips leave kisses along the exposed skin, tongue flicking out to trace along your collarbones. “I need you,” he can’t meet your eyes after this confession, hiding his face in the crook of your neck to avoid having to face you.

“You need me?” You let him hide for now, one hand untying your robe, the other pushing through his hair at the nape of his neck. The robe falls from your body and reveals you haven’t been wearing anything underneath. “My pretty boy needs me?” There’s no teasing, no malice in your tone, only sincerity. “What if I told you,” your hand cradles the back of his head and you use your weight to push him to lay back against the bed. Your other hand reaches back to wrap around his sticky shaft, giving it a few strokes before running it along the length of your slit. “Come on, look at me. Let me see my pretty boy.” your previous thought is interrupted by the command. He’s quick to follow, ignoring the burning sensation that flames across his skin, burning up his chest to his cheeks to the tips of his ears. “What if I told you,” you continue your earlier thought, positioning him at your entrance. “I need you too.” His eyes widen at the confession and he wants to keep them on you, but the combination of your words and your walls finally sucking him in, has them finding refuge in the back of his skull. “I think I may need you more than you need me.” The words are whispered against his lips, hips rolling to emphasize your point.

“Y-you need me? M-me?” His hands blindly grab at your body, grabbing handfuls of your ass, pulling you closer, pushing himself deeper. “Miss needs me.” His attempts to meet your thrusts are futile, hips being pushed flush against the bed when you sit fully on him. “F-fuck, so good, feels s-so-o good.” You sit up fully, hands bracing your weight on his chest, moving from sitting on your calves to sitting up fully on your knees. “Don’t stop, please don’t stop,” he doesn’t have a chance to finish his complaint before you’re sinking back onto his lap. The pause you take is for the benefit of the both of you, cause he’s closer than he cares to admit especially when you’re clamping down around him like that. “Y-yes.” It’s the most broken, desperate, and beautiful sound you’ve ever heard. It heats your belly, makes your pussy throb and leak, proof soaking his shaft.

“My pretty boy makes the prettiest sounds.” Your hips begin to move. You’re soaked, each movement producing the nastiest-sounding click. Your pussy stretches around his cock and you have to remind yourself that he needs you to stay levelheaded. “Gonna make miss lose control.” Your breathing is picking up, becoming uneven as your movements grow sloppier. You wanted to sit back on your calves but knew he needed you to go full throttle. He came here because he needed to be dwindled down to the horny useless mess he loved, you loved. “Such a good boy-hah-f-fuck-don’t-don’t do that-“ he isn’t sure what he’s doing until he feels his hips leaving the bed to meet your ass. His thrusts are softer compared to yours but they push him deeper, swollen cock head pressing against your most sensitive spots. “Hmm, my pretty puppy feels so good.” Your hips grind down into his, giving him space to still thrust up into you, making a mess on his cock, splashing against his pelvis. “I can feel you twitch against my walls baby, you close? You want to cum? Cum deep inside miss?” Tonight’s filled with firsts, the question throwing him for a loop, brain unable to process the words before he’s cumming.

“W-wait! No, no, no.” The part of him unable to process your question is filled with panic, hands gripping the fat at your hips to go to pull you off. “I came i-inside?” The other part is over the moon, demanding him to stop questioning you, ecstatic that he’s finally cum inside of you. His cock twitches uncontrollably against your gummy walls, mouth lolling open as he dissolves into a puddle of whimpers. His hands keep their position, using it to push you further down onto him, desperately trying to bury himself as deep as possible. Your walls clamp down around him, milking him, draining him. “So good miss, so good,” his voice is barely above a whisper, nearly missed under your moans. His body shakes, thighs trembling as you continue to use him like a toy. His cock is so sensitive, he can feel the tears pricking the corners of his eyes. “Hurts, it hurts,” he isn’t sure that’s the word to describe the feeling, maybe he was just overwhelmed because the last thing he wanted you to do was stop.

“I’m so close baby, so close,” one hand drops between your thighs, fingers pressing against your clit. Your movements are choppy and quick, just like your hips, all telltale signs that you were close. “You can-hah-mmh-f-fuck, you c-can do it for miss. Right? Y-you can do it. Right? My pretty puppy can take it. Right?” Your other hand pulls one of his away from your hips, bringing it beside his head to interlock your fingers. “I’m gonna cum-ah-I’m so close, gonna cum,” you’re sure you don’t make sense at this point, not too worried about it when he was splitting you open over his cock. Not when he whined with every movement, hips subtly lifting to meet yours, attempting to aid you to your end.

“Cum for me miss, please, cum around my cock. Cum for your pretty puppy. Please cum for me miss, I need it, I need to feel you cum around my cock.” His voice is shaky, breath hitching every time you clamp down around him. “Just like that miss, just like that,” his hand leaves your hip to press against your back, pushing your chest flat against his. His head leaves your back to find the back of your head, pushing you forward so your foreheads are pressed against each other’s. “Feels so good cumming around my cock, so fucking good,” he’s doing well at keeping his voice stable, despite the fact he was nearing his third orgasm of the night. Not like he could help it with the way you were squeezing him, not when he was so sensitive. Not when you were so wet, making a mess with even the smallest jerk of your hips. Not when he watched as you actively tried to fight the way your eyes rolled back as you fucked yourself through your orgasm. “I’m close again miss.” He doesn’t even have to ask, your hips rolling into his as an answer he didn’t know he was looking for.

“Cum for me pretty puppy. Fill miss up again.” Your hands frame the sides of his face, hips slowly moving against his as you feel him finish once again. You have to fight every urge to push him back down and ride him with your feet on the bed at the feeling of his cum leaking back out. He’s too much for you sometimes, crying as he cums, thanking and cursing you all in one breath. “You did so good.” Your smile returns and your voice is cheerful once again, hands gripping his cheeks to plant kisses over his face. “How do you feel?" You're slow to move from his lap, making your way to the mini-fridge kept in the corner of your room. You make your way back holding a water bottle, still waiting for his response. You take a quick peek, just to make sure he hasn't passed out, and notice his eyes have been following your every move. "You watching me like some kind of stalker?" You pull him to sit up, bunching a few pillows behind him for support, and hand him the water.

"I feel fine." He's still trying to catch his breath, hands shaking as he undoes the cap and brings the water to his lips. You only grin in response, hitching a brow as he spills a bit of the water down his chin. Your fingers are quicker, wiping the mess from his chin, to wipe them on your thigh. Part of him feels disappointed that you hadn't placed them in your mouth, the picture of you sucking his cum off your fingers clear in his mind. It wasn't like you didn't usually swallow, you almost always did, it was just something different, more intimate about tonight. The way you watched him to make sure he was watching you instead of allowing him to get lost in his pleasure, like usual. Not that he was complaining, he's come to realize he misses a lot when his eyes are rolled back. The main one being the way you watch him throughout the whole ordeal, your eyes never leave his face, it's like you need to watch him crumble beneath you. "Actually, I feel a lot better. Thanks." The truth wouldn't hurt.

"Good. Now finish your water and meet me in the shower."

Chuuya, Poe, Ranpo, AKUTAGAWA, Giyuu, Armin, Choso

AN: It has been three years since I've sat and wrote a story in its entirety, I wanted to quit, start over, scrap the whole idea in general but I couldn't :( we need more submissive men fics. ALSO, could anyone help me make my posts all cute? Like with the banners that have the content warning? or where to find the manga caps? Please.

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spacexseven · 1 year

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ok im finally here with the spy au stuff. sorry this took me so long i suddenly got Extremely Ill and couldnt really do much but im BACK baby.

im gonna do some more than i originally planned since i made u and the venerable budijojo wait so long so buckle up

AKUTAGAWA - ohhhh akutagawa… poor thing. this is about The Most devastating thing that could possibly happen to him. i could see him not realizing he loves darling in time just by virtue of arrogance, similar to fyodor. he doesnt think he’d ever deign to have something as silly as affection for someone like… you. preposterous. doesnt help that he has dazai’s voice in his ear at every second. but, well, here he is: stuck adoring somebody who hates him, and knowing it’s all his fault. although deep in despair, ever the devotee, he will gracefully take any punishment darling throws at him- granted they stay by his side. you might not think so, what with all the ‘stabbing you a hundred times with his jacket’ business he put you through, but you’re truly the safest by HIS side, you’ll see! no one can protect you as well as he can! you can spit at him, scream at him, hurt him, tell him all the ways you despise him; he’ll accept it all, but he won’t- *can’t* let go of you. he needs to keep you safe, it’s the only way he can make up for his sins.

DAZAI - oh christ. if you thought akutagawa had attachment issues get a load of this guy. i could see him REALLY shooting himself in the dick by also getting a bit of torture in before “killing” you- either cuz you suddenly started being cagey with information and he was approaching his deadline or just cuz he felt like it at the time. dazai is… very jarring. his emotional state is such that he feels this very suddenly and very violently, and his demeanor is very dependent on what he’s feeling. this is all to say that when you and dazai meet again, the version of dazai you knew- the manipulative nihilist who kissed your cheek within the same hour he broke all your fingers with a pair of pliers- is all but gone. he’s been replaced with some sopping wet cat of a man who looks honest-to-god shattered at your rejections. and he really IS like a pet cat who just realized hes in trouble, or maybe more of a stray who learned the hard way that people stop feeding you after you maul them. anything he can think of to get even a SECOND of your affection he’ll do, and i do mean anything. he’ll debase himself, scream, cry, beg, kill, anything he thinks will do the job. just please please please please PLEASE dont run away from him he loves you so much please stay he needs you please….

CHUUYA - i think hes the least likely to make this mistake just cuz he seems pretty self-possessed, but i could also see him getting very swept up in the little competition he made up in his head and not thinking his actions through very well. also DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL he’s gonna be the LAST guy to admit his feelings in this circumstance, just cuz admitting it would be much too painful so his brain just rejects it. i mean, the fella kicked you so hard into the wall it made a crater, he can STILL hear the echoes of your bones crunching in his head every time he closes his eyes, thats HARDLY the actions of a man in love. besides, even if you DID somehow survive that, youd never take him back (not that he wants that lol no way) so it’s not even worth thinking about. theres gonna be a lot of waking up from a drunken stupor only to find himself in your old apartment or surrounded by your possessions in a nest and some extremely pitying glances from kouyou before he lets himself accept what he feels and what he did. any peace he manages to make with this over time will immediately shatter what he hears that youve been spotted wandering around the city. our boy is going off the deep end instantly.

FYODOR -it doesn’t really come as a shock that fyodor didn’t realize his feelings for you til pretty late in the game, given that he’s a black hole where emotions go to die. UNPOPULAR OPINION ALERT i can very easily see fyodor feeling guilt over the whole Trying To Kill His Darling debacle, its just that he doesnt really have any kind of handle on this feeling at all. all he can process is that you’re scared of him/mad at him and this makes him feel this Mysterious Bad Feeling™ that he doesnt know what to do with. it occurs to him that he could very easily just make you compliant with him by fiddling with your brain like he did to ivan, but this makes the Bad Feeling worse. he doesnt want you to be a smiling puppet, he wants YOU, as strange as this desire is to him. all the little things used to do that had gotten on his nerves or perplexed him he now feels this alien yearning for. he feels this full body frost whenever he hears you crying through the door of your (cell) room, the distinct sensation of oncoming sickness. he finds himself very hesitant to put his hands on you, or even enter your line of sight out of fear of disturbing and upsetting you. odd. expect him to creepily watch you sleep a lot after he kidnaps you, enjoying seeing your face at peace for once.

GOGOL - clown boy has established he feels guilt over things as much as the next guy, so ohhh BOY is he not gonna handle this too good. honestly, i could see his guilt overwhelming him to the point where he refuses to kidnap you or approach you again at all. he had his chance and made his choice, best to let his birdie be free now, yes? of course, he doesnt let you go TOTALLY. he has his eye on you as often as his schedule will allow. definitely dons disguise after disguise as an excuse to get close to you, maybe even makes up a persona that works at a shop you frequent so he gets to talk to you every day. eventually his mind might fray to the point where he cant STAND it anymore and NEEDS to get you back no matter what, especially if he insists on prolonged exposure to you, but hed probably try to avoid upsetting you as much as he can. youll give in eventually, hes going to be the only person youre ever going to be close to again, after all, so theres no need to force anything. he can convince you of his sincerity, hes sure of it.

also bonus i think this concept would also work really well with jouno what do you think. couldnt think of anything for kouyou sorry :/

- 🩹

thank you so much for all your effort behind this :> hope you're feeling better now!! i tried to write fyodor a little differently for you so. what do you think eheh :> the linked words take you to the original spy au posts for those characters! i considered writing for jouno but this post is way too long already for an ask lol

cw: yandere characters (akutagawa, dazai, chuuya, fyodor, nikolai), obsessive behavior, violence, forced relationships, stalking, manipulation, mentions of torture/interrogations, deceit, imprisonment (not proofread)

akutagawa is constantly tormented with his feelings for you. he knows he doesn't have the time to be in love, since he has more important things to do like make dazai recognize him, but he doesn't have a handle on himself. he can't put a lid on the wonderfully complex things he feels for you, and that's why it manifests the way it did. besides, he can't imagine actually tolerating, let alone liking, you, with all your kindness and concern that was long beaten out of him.

you've always been so kind to him, looking out for him, talking to him, treating him like anyone else. but all he could do in response was nod to your questions. akutagawa himself hasn't been shown a lot of affection so his way of showing his feelings is...awkward. he didn't know how to be friendly or be loved, but you didn't seem to care. and then when he finally, finally identified the cause of his palpitating heart and distracted mind, when he finally came to terms with what he felt, everything went wrong. you weren't supposed to find out, and you weren't supposed to get hurt. you weren't supposed to hate him, even if everyone else did.

he had been prepared to face the anger from his coworkers when they found out he fell for the enemy, but he wasn't planning on you finding out the way you did. and the look on your face, the hatred and the betrayal, it broke him. akutagawa, having lost everything already, grovels at your feet. he's desperate for another chance, but he doesn't dare complain, not when you ignore him and scorn him, not when you refuse to even acknowledge him.

he has hope, though, that one day you'd realize he only wanted to keep you safe. he only wants to show you that he's worth keeping around. you saved him before, and he only wanted to repay the favor forever. your organization was down and yokohama was far from safe, but with akutagawa by your side, nobody would dare touch a hair on your head.

dazai well, it's established he hates you from the moment he was assigned the spying mission. of course he hates you and the dates you planned out and the meals you make and the hand holding and the kissing and the...warmth he never gets elsewhere...and...the adoring way you look at him...and....and...

what was he thinking? you were just a target!

dazai has so many dilemmas during this mission because he's conflicted with hating you for being so damn annoying and feeling something because you're head over heels for an asshole like him, but let's say he pushes down the growing good he feels for you, shoves it away and sticks with hating you constantly for the purpose of this scenario. when the gig's up and you find out he was using you to get intel, there's no point in pretending anymore. no point in going along with your affectionate touches and asking about your day.

dazai has to rely on his usual, faithful method of getting intel—interrogation. he pretends like he doesn't care about hurting your feelings, pretends like it's just another job and it doesn't affect him if you're scared or crying. he doesn't care what you think of him now, of course not.

but right after it's all done, he's drowning in regret. he can't even remember what you told him, he just wants to take it all back. he scared you terribly, he knows he probably traumatized you and he can't undo it anymore. he tries, though, of course he does. at one point you were hopelessly infatuated with him despite how mean he was, so if he was the complete opposite now, you'd definitely look back at him, right? you'll be satisfied seeing him suffer for your sake, right? he'll happily beg for your forgiveness and debase himself if you'd feel even a little satisfied. if there's no way for you to forgive him, then he'll just have to go all out. he'll pull out all the stops and do everything in his power.

(i think dazai would definitely kick into the typical "i'll kill for you" yandere thing around here, hoping that by killing your enemies you'd appreciate him. he can't stand knowing other people were around you, people you had no reason to hate unlike him. what if you liked them instead? you liked dazai despite his shortcomings, so you could also fall for someone else that wasn't him. he couldn't have that)

chuuya (hehehe ive been waiting for this) feels the most guilt out of everyone in this list. i find it hard to imagine him actually hurting darling even if it's for the pm, like you said, he has the most self-control. in the original post of spy au! chuuya, he's completely obsessed with you and ends up scaring you off since you realize something's off, which leads to him finding your new place and what not. so i'll use the premise of him feeling guilty for scaring you and you kinda hating him for being a creep :>

he can't bring himself to hurt you, so knowing he's frightened you, knowing you hate him for what he believed was showing concern for you because he loved you, it shattered him. he didn't mean for you to think that he had it out for you or that he was going to kill you just because he worked for the enemy organization. he loved you and he only wanted you to be safe. he only wanted to get to know you so you'd love him back.

he allows himself to suffer, drinking a dangerous amount almost every night, staying in the apartment you used to instead of his own, looking at all the things he bought you and imagining you using them. it's pathetic to see how he's turned into a helpless, lovesick fool that can't even get you to look twice at him anymore. he tries to throw away the feelings he had, he avoids any mention of you and drowns himself in work and alcohol, but it's only a matter of time before the two of you cross paths again and he's unable to hold back from breaking down and begging you to take him back.

since i don't have a planned out story for fyodor in this spy au i'll make it up as i go. probably some info stealing for the doa, he can't exactly ask anyone else to go. bram is...in an awkward state, kamui is far too much of a public figure, sigma is too busy with the casino, and nikolai...there's no guarantee he won't just kill you, and fyodor can't have that, not after all his efforts to track you down and choose you for his mission. you should be honored, really, that he's giving you such an important role in his plans. maybe he could even convince you to join his side and completely sell out your organization.

everyone knows fyodor would be successful in his mission, and they know he'd get you wrapped around his finger very quickly. of course you don't think there's a single suspicious thing about this strange man who suddenly walked through the doors of your life and is somehow always around you and wow he's so nice and wow, isn't this moving too fast? but fyodor has that way of reassuring you with a smile and gentle strokes that there was nothing to worry about, and who were you to question him then?

you try to make him happy. he's always a bit emotionless, always a neutral expression on his face so you can't really tell if he's upset or happy when you greet him with a kiss. or is that surprise on his face? you don't know if he likes you holding his hand or if he wants to hear about your day, but one reassuring squeeze of the hand and an acknowledging hum sends you happily continuing your earlier actions. fyodor is a little surprised by your efforts to make him feel included. he's used to silence except for nikolai's random interruptions, but having you constantly by his side isn't the worst. compared to the miserable people in the world, you weren't nearly as unbearable for him.

fyodor is mostly surprised by how disappointed you look when it all blows over, and his identity is revealed. you're not disappointed at him, but at yourself for falling for a lie, and causing your coworkers deaths. he was too good to be true, you think, and you blame yourself for falling for his tricks. trust one charming stranger, and look where that got you? in some obscure prison cell and subjected to cruel questioning.

it's not very satisfying seeing you cry and rub at your red eyes. it's far from nice when you're ignoring him and boiling with resentment. and well, he shouldn't care. you had one purpose in his plan and it was now fulfilled. you should be happy you had a chance to help out in the making of fyodor's goals, but here you were sobbing so uncontrollably. he's a little uncomfortable seeing you look so devastated, and he's uneasy now that you don't tell him anything anymore. it's unfamiliarity that haunts him because you've changed, and not for the better. if he sees you opening up around sigma, who was the most ordinary person in the building, he's a little troubled by it, but you glaring at him with burning hatred is even worse than seeing you talk to someone else, so he just leaves the room.

despite the unhelpful suggestions he gets from the rest, he doesn't want you to lose your mind like ivan, even if the latter claims he isn't unhappy anymore. watching you when you sleep1!! yes, the only time he feels he can be around you now, when you're unaware of his presence. he doesn't like it, doesn't like having to walk on eggshells and hide from you like he was in the wrong. which he shouldn't be. he was only saving you from that hellhole and that shitty organization that never stood a chance against him. if he left you back there, you'd be dead. shouldn't you be grateful?

considering nikolai is like, the master of disguises, this mission should have been a piece of cake. get intel, and then he can do whatever he wants to you and your friends. this was a fun break for him! he was asked to join the company you worked for (a front for the organization) as a new hire and gather all the intel he could, but he didn't think he'd get attacked to anyone on the job.

you were surprisingly excited to guide him around the office, taking the senior role with pride. nikolai doesn't let it slip that he doesn't care about what you do or where the break room is, so he happily follows you around and shares your enthusiasm. you're all friendly and helpful to him, and he doesn't mind at all but it was a little annoying when he was trying to bug a meeting room and you just came around the corner, insisting he check out the new coffee machine. well, despite how irritating it got, he couldn't bring himself to dislike you for it.

and really, he can't help but tease you a little, watching the startled expression when he stares at you a little too coldly for a little too long, or lets it casually slip that he knew about the organization, though he's a little surprised by how quickly you bounce back to your usual carefree manner. oh, but the fun hadn't started yet! he was mostly looking forward, to the after. he couldn't wait to see your expression when you realize you've been cheated all along, and how you were going to die by his hands—

—but when the day came, it wasn't even a little satisfying to see you crumble. he didn't expect to be consumed entirely with guilt when he sees you tear up, hurt in your eyes. something inside him aches; he knows he's not invulnerable to feeling like this, but this intensity of emotion was new. he can't bear to look at you, facing the horror etched into your face at the sight of him, so he just disappears into his coat, leaving you somewhere far away from the devastation.

despite how much he yearns to be free he can't let you experience the same, unable to stop thinking about you. he checks in on you from time to time, hoping you'd try seeking him out. after all, he was the only other person who knew what happened, and you couldn't rely on anyone like you could on him. he knew you better than anyone else, all your secrets and your thoughts, and you'd need him by your side.

he'll definitely give into his urges and kidnap you eventually. he can't bear to be away from you, not after he knows you're probably feeling lonely, not knowing anyone else who could understand you. well, you probably didn't want to see the man who ruined your life, but it wasn't like you had many options. he's sorry that he hurt you, really! nikolai promises to be good, to go back to being the guy you befriended, but only if you promise to stay by his side.

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