#by 5th grade i didn't speak at all at school and sat in the back of the classroom crying for half the day | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cornfields-and-bad-dreams · 2 years

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hey man 👋🏼 i seen ur asks r open if u still write for heisenberg can i request him w a goth s/o? like takes him on dates to the local cemetary, shows up @ his factory w a random crow they befriended n r keeping as a pet type goth

I'm sorry this took so long, I started to hyper-fixate on D&D at one point and then other stuff happened. But it's finally finished.

Rating: Ten and Up

Warnings: Violence

Word Count: 4,015

The cool night air chilled you to the bone, but you liked it that way. You sat quietly in the cemetery, listening to the breeze blowing through the trees. You enjoyed the quiet nights in the cemetery, you got to be alone with your thoughts and surrounded by people all at the same time. Most importantly you could be close to your grandmother, she seemed to be the only person who ever understood you, or accepted you at that. Ever since she passed you'd felt alone in the world, even your parents didn't seem to get you. You were a bit different compared to the others in the village. You preferred to wear nearly all black and took interest in things that were more macabre, things like death fascinated you. You'd even tried to apply to work under the village mortician, but you were turned away, told that it wasn't very ladylike to work with the dead. That was another thing that separated you from others, the women in the village usually didn't attend school past the 5th grade, instead, they were expected to learn to take care of the house and raise children, cook, clean, sew or knit. But you craved knowledge and had no interest in the idea of raising children or even getting married. You had nothing against marriage or children, but there was no one who you were interested in romantically and no one who was interested in you. A lot of the men in the village were taken aback by your appearance and behavior, as well as intimidated by your intelligence.

Sitting at the foot of your grandmother's grave you held a book in your hands, next to you was a lantern so you could read. You sat there reading for some amount of time, your mind lost amongst the pages, so much so that you filtered out the sound of approaching footsteps until they were nearly right behind you. With sudden realization, you whipped around to be met with the looming figure of none other than Lord Heisenberg. Your eyes went wide and your mouth went dry, standing up you dusted off your dress and bowed lightly trying not to make eye contact with the Lord.

"My Lord, what brings you to the cemetery at this time of night?" You wrung your hands nervously.

"I could ask you the same thing." He plucked a cigar from his lips as smoke billowed out.

"I find it to be most peaceful at night, perfect for reading. Wouldn't you agree?" You picked your book up off the ground, running your hand over the cover.

"It's rude not to look at someone when you're speaking to them." Lord Heisenberg huffed.

snapping up to look at him you gave a soft yelp.

"S-sorry my Lord. I meant nothing by it."

Lord Heisenberg stood in silence for a moment, you couldn't see his eyes behind his sunglasses but you could feel them on you. Undoubtedly he was looking you over.

"I'm sure you didn't." There was a slight laugh to his words.

You both stood there a moment in silence. You noted that the Lord had a shovel slung over his shoulder, you could guess what he was there for, but you rather didn't like thinking about it.

"I suppose you're right." He looked around "It is rather nice for reading here, quiet."

You smiled and nodded, holding your book close to your chest.

"Very much so. Plus," you looked down at your grandmother's grave "it's nice to be with my grandmother."

Lord Heisenberg shifted from one foot to the other, scratching his chin he looked off over the village.

"Yes, well." He paused, seemingly looking for something to say. "What book are you reading." He looked back at you.

"It's a collection of works by Edgar Allan Poe. I quite enjoy his stories and poems." You smiled towards the Lord.

"I'm not familiar with his works. I'm not a huge reader myself." Lord Heisenberg spoke with a tone of embarrassment in his voice.

You smiled softly and took a step closer to the Lord.

"That's alright, I'm sure you have much more important things than reading. If you're not careful you can lose yourself in the world of literature, I know I have plenty of times."

"You say that as if it's a bad thing. I might not be an avid reader but even I can understand the magic of reading."

You nodded your head, looking down at your book you bit your lip then looked back up at Lord Heisenberg shyly.

"I know you're a busy man but, would you want to join me? I'd be happy to read for you."

The Lord's jaw seemed to drop in surprise, he fumbled with words for a moment before recollecting himself. Clearing his throat he answered.

"I suppose I could spare some time."

Placing the shovel on the ground Heisenberg sat down in front of you, smiling you joined him. Opening your book you began the story you'd been reading over again. Lord Heisenberg sat and listened to you read for some time, soon the lantern began to grow dim and you grew tired.

"I'm afraid I need to return home. It's getting rather late." You yawned.

"Oh, of course. Thank you for reading to me." Heisenberg stood up, holding out his hand to help you up as well.

Taking his hand he pulled you up to your feet.

"It was no trouble, my Lord."

"Still, it was very nice of you." He spoke softer now.

"Good night Lord Heisenberg."

You bowed and started to take your leave, as you reached the gate of the cemetery you stopped and looked back.

"Lord Heisenberg?" You called.

"Yes?"

"My grandmother meant a lot to me, and I take great comfort in visiting her here. I'd be dreadfully upset if something were to happen to her."

Saying your words you turned and left, leaving Heisenberg alone standing in the cemetery.

Heisenberg stood there a moment, thinking over your words. He knew what you meant, you were asking him to leave her grave untouched. Picking up his shovel he huffed.

"Why should I listen to some random girl?"

Still, he stood a moment in silence, thinking.

"It was rather nice of her to read to me, perhaps I do owe her one little favor."

Returning home you entered quietly so as not to disturb your parents, carefully you placed your book on your shelf and readied yourself for bed. Crawling in under the covers you pulled them over yourself and laid your head to rest. Your mind wandered to the thought of Lord Heisenberg, you certainly knew what was to be found in the morning, still, a part of you hoped he'd understood your words and listened. Certainly, he wasn't heartless.

When you woke up you found the village to be in a state of shock, a few graves had been dug up during the night and the bodies stolen, thankfully though your grandmother's grave had been untouched. The question raced through the village as to who could have done this. You debated whether to say you'd seen Lord Heisenberg, but a part of you felt like protecting him. While there was nothing the villagers could do against him, the fear crossed your mind that Mother Miranda may punish him in some way. Thus you kept your mouth shut. For about a week guards were stationed at the graveyard and eyes were kept peeled for strange behavior. You stayed away from the graveyard for a while, even after things had calmed down, but eventually, you felt safe enough to make your occasional visits.

It was about a month later that you found yourself meeting Lord Heisenberg again. As before you sat in the graveyard reading a book at your grandmother's grave when the sound of footsteps approached. Looking up you found it to be the Lord. Giving him a nervous smile you greeted him, standing up and giving a bow.

"Hello my Lord, it's pleasant to see you again."

Lord Heisenberg nodded, giving a grunt.

"Pleasent surprise to see you too. Reading again I presume?"

You nodded, holding up your book.

"Yes, it's a collection of works by a man named H.P. Lovecraft. I recently came across the book and decided to give it a read. His work is a little questionable but I've read worse." You paused a moment, looking up at him you held the book tightly. "W-would you want me to read for you again?" You asked hesitantly.

Lord Heisenberg shifted his weight from one foot to the other, scratching his chin he seemed to be in thought.

"Well, I suppose, it was rather enjoyable the last time."

Smiling softly you sat down on the grass, you were quickly joined by Lord Heisenberg. Opening the book you began to read to Heisenberg again.

Once again you grew tired, and the lantern dimmed. After finishing the story you were reading you yawned.

"Tired?" Heisenberg asked.

"I'm afraid so, I apologize, I wish I could read to you more." You closed the book and looked toward Lord Heisenberg.

"Nothing to apologize for." Lord Heisenberg stood up, extending his hand to pull you up as well.

Taking his hand he pulled you to your feet. For a moment you stood holding his hand, he even seemed to give a soft squeeze. You quickly realized your hands were still entwined and you pulled yours away.

"I should really be going, I hope you have a wonderful night my Lord." You blushed.

"Same to you." Heisenberg tipped his hat.

Giving a bow you collected your things and departed.

Lord Heisenberg watched as you left, a strange yearning in the back of his mind to follow you. He pushed the thought away and huffed.

"Weird girl, getting in my head." Heisenberg then began to do what he'd come for in the first place, more body snatching.

As he worked he would periodically look over to your grandmother's grave, an odd feeling bubbling up in the pit of his stomach whenever he did.

"Gah." He exclaimed. "What has gotten into me?"

Safely making it inside you made sure the door was locked behind you before you retired to your room. Placing your book on your shelf you readied yourself for bed. Getting in under the covers you lay in bed while your mind returned to Lord Heisenberg. You'd only met the man twice so far but already you were starting to feel an odd connection between the two of you, yet your understanding of what it was he was doing in the cemetery left you feeling uncomfortable. Still, the man seemed genuinely interested in your books, unlike others in the village. It did feel nice to have someone to read to. Eventually, you fell asleep, your conflicted feelings following you into your dreams.

Once again the village was in a state of shock, more graves had been defiled in the night, their occupants missing. You feigned shock as to not draw attention to yourself. The village was on high alert, any odd behavior resulted in heavy interrogation. You felt like you had more eyes on you than usual, though no one had questioned you so far. You did your best to keep up a usual routine, worried that any slip-up might cause you great trouble.

The cemetery was kept under careful watch, men in the village taking shifts to guard it. You could tell that this time around things would not be going back to normal any time soon. It was nearly a month later and you'd grown restless, being unable to visit the cemetery left you on edge. You thought over the situation and came to the conclusion that if you couldn't read in the cemetery at night you'd just have to find somewhere else to read.

Night fell over the village and you waited for your family to fall asleep before grabbing a book and heading off. Careful to avoid being seen you made your way into the woods and searched for a peaceful spot to settle down. Coming across a fallen tree you sat down on the trunk and began to read. But it wasn't too long afterward that the sound of snapping branches caught your attention. Fear washed over you at the thought of what could possibly be out there, wolves? Bears? You regretted not bringing some form of weapon. The sounds drew nearer and your heart rate quickened. Whatever was out there was just beyond a bush, any moment now it would emerge. Closing your eyes you waited to be attacked but instead, a gruff voice spoke.

"What are you doing out here?"

Opening your eyes you were met by Lord Heisenberg, a look of confusion plastered across his face. Despite it just being Heisenberg your heart rate kept its quick beat. You felt yourself blush and your stomach tied in knots.

"I-I, I'm reading." You spoke softly.

"All the way out here?" Lord Heisenberg stepped closer to you, gesturing to the woods around you.

"The cemetery is under watch. I can't go there anymore."

"It is, is it? Well, that puts a damper on my plans." The Lord's face scrunched up in displeasure.

You sat a moment watching him, he looked off into the distance and gave a sigh. Turning back to you he cocked his head.

"So you decided to come all the way out here to read?" He smirked. "You want to be closer to me?"

"What?" His question confused you.

Lord Heisenberg chuckled.

"We're not too far from my factory." Heisenberg looked around. "I suppose it's easy to lose your sense of direction out here, plus you can't really see it out here in the thick woods."

"We're near your factory?" Your eyes went wide and once again you blushed.

"That's what I just said ain't it?" He seemed a bit annoyed at the question but not too terribly. "So, you're reading, huh?"

"Yes." You paused looking down at the book. "I'm rereading one of my favorites."

"What is it?"

"Bram Stoker's Dracula."

Heisenberg nodded.

"Never heard of it, is it any good?"

"Oh, it's wonderful, I've read it many times and every time I fall in love with it even more." You smiled.

"Passionate I see." The Lord laughed.

Chuckling lightly your grip on the book tightened, taking a deep breath you looked up at Heisenberg shyly.

"You wouldn't want to hear it would you? I could start from the beginning."

Lord Heisenberg seemed to choke on air, coughing a moment before catching his breath. He cleared his throat and tugged on the hem of his shirt.

"Well, uh." He paused a moment and swallowing he nodded. "Sure, that, sounds nice."

You gave him a smile and patted the space next to you on the tree. Heisenberg took a seat next to you and you began to read. A few hours later the lantern had grown dim and you were tired.

"I'm afraid it's getting a bit late. I'm sorry to cut off here but I really must get some sleep." You yawned.

Lord Heisenberg stood up and as before he held out his hand to help you.

"That's fine. A young woman like you needs her beauty sleep." He joked.

You blushed and laughed, taking his hand he pulled you to your feet.

"Thank you, my Lord."

Heisenberg paused a moment looking down at you, finally, he spoke.

"You can just call me Heisenberg." His voice was soft, with an air of uncertainty to it.

"Oh, if that's what you want." You looked up at him, a warm smile enveloping his face.

You smiled back, and for a moment the two of you stood in silence just looking at each other. Eventually, you yawned.

"I'm sorry." You spoke. "I really should be getting home."

"Why don't I walk you back to the village? I'd hate for you to get lost out here." He gestured in what you assumed was the direction of the village.

"That would be very kind of you."

In the low light of the lantern, you swore you saw him blush, but it was probably just your imagination. Heisenberg led the way back to the village, all the while you talked about the book. Eventually, you found yourself in front of your home.

"Home already?" You spoke under your breath, disappointment in your voice. "Thank you for walking me home Lor-" You caught yourself. "Heisenberg."

Giving a bow you started up the steps of the house, but a hand gently took your arm, halting you. Looking back you found Heisenberg to have a nervous look to him.

"Yes?" Your voice was soft.

"Would, would you want to do this again? Reading for me I mean."

Butterflies danced in your stomach, a part of you was nervous at the idea but another part screamed for you to say yes.

"I'd love to." Your voice was eager, and the words slipped off your tongue before you could realize what you were saying.

Heisenberg took a breath he seemed to have been holding.

"How about Sunday nights. I'll meet you at the fallen tree, do you think you can find it again?"

"Sure, we can meet around midnight, if that's alright with you?"

"Of course, midnight is perfect." Heisenberg smiled.

"Then it's set. I'm looking forward to our meetings." You gave him a big grin.

"Goodnight." Heisenberg tipped his hat and started off.

You stood a moment, watching him disappear into the night before going inside.

Heisenberg's cheeks flushed red as he made his way through the village. He'd nearly had a heart attack at asking to see you again, and you saying yes? Well, it made his heart skip a beat. You made him feel funny, but oddly enough it felt good? Heisenberg wasn't one for emotions, at least ones other than anger, but you made him feel happy, happier than he'd ever been. He just had to see more of you.

The next Sunday you found yourself at the fallen tree. Heisenberg was already there. Sitting down beside him you began to read. As usual, you read until you were tired and the lamp was dim. And once again Heisenberg walked you home. For months this was your routine until slowly it started to change. The two of you began to talk before you'd get into the book, at first it was polite conversation, then it started to grow into more in-depth ones. You'd talk about things you wouldn't normally share with others, even your own parents. It wasn't one-sided either, Heisenberg himself began to open up to you, share with you feelings and thoughts he obviously kept to himself. Eventually, he even asked you to call him Karl. A year since you'd begun meeting and the two of you felt like old friends, sometimes you wouldn't even get to the book, you'd just spend the night talking. Karl seemed to understand you, to accept you for who you were and what you liked. You felt seen.

You were not quite aware of how seen you were.

You sat at the fallen tree waiting for Karl, you thumbed through your book of poems noting which ones you thought he'd enjoy. Rustling caught your attention, you smiled expecting Karl to emerge from the bushes but were horrified when instead a group of villagers appeared.

"There you are." A man you recognized as Father Enescu spoke.

"W-what are you doing here?" You nearly fell backward off the tree.

"Following you of course, Mr. Adamache told me about how he saw you going into the woods on Sunday nights, I didn't want to believe it was true but here you are plain as day."

The villagers behind him grumbled together in response.

"So what?" You stood up, trying to put on a brave face "Is there some law against going into the woods at night?"

"No, but it sure is suspicious." Father Enescu huffed. "We suspect you're taking part in witchcraft or demonry. You are an odd one, and I wouldn't put it past you to be in league with the devil."

"No such thing!" You exclaimed.

"We'll see about that." Father Enescu grabbed you by the arm and started to drag you back in the direction of the village.

"Let go!" you yelled attempting to pull yourself from his grip.

You two struggled a moment before you kicked out hitting him square between the legs. Father Enescu doubled over in pain and before you could react the angry mob lunged forward to seize you. Pushing you down to your knees two men held you down by your shoulders as a third man raised a newly sharpened ax. The metal glinted in the moon light as it began to drop, you closed your eyes waiting for impact. It never came. Gasps filled the air, opening your eyes you saw the ax inches away from your head, the man clearly struggling to force it down. But instead, the ax was pulled from his hand by an invisible force and swung around to catch the man in the leg. He fell to the ground, the ax now embedded in his fibula.

"What the hell, do you think you're doing?" A familiar voice rang out.

The villagers turned, the two men letting go of you as they spotted Karl.

"L-lord Heisenberg?" Someone exclaimed.

You could see Karl's shoulders rising with each heavy breath, his hammer in his right hand, and his face pulled into a scowl.

"I said what the HELL do you think you're DOING?"

Father Enescu had gotten back onto his feet, albeit a bit unsteadily.

"My lord, we were just dealing with this girl, we suspect she's participating in witchcraft." He grabbed you by your hair, pulling you up.

You yelped in pain, this only made Karl even angrier.

"Let her go." Karl stomped forward until he was right in front of the Father.

"E-excuse me?" He stuttered his grip lightning, yet not fast enough for Karl's liking.

Karl grabbed the man's wrist and twisted it, the sound of bones cracking filling the air. The rest of the villagers had begun to back away, quickly getting the hint that you were off-limits. Pushing Father Enescu away from you Karl turned to you. Raising his gloved hand gently it hovered beside your face before cupping your cheek.

"Are you alright?" His voice was suddenly soft and scared.

"Y-yeah." You spoke softly, your voice cracking a bit.

"Good. Excuse me a moment then."

Turning back around, Heisenberg surveyed the frightened villagers, a few of them helping the Father to his feet.

"If you're wise you'll go back to your homes now, and forget this ever happened." Karl raised his hammer bringing it down into his other hand.

The villagers nodded and ran off back home. Turning to you once again Karl dropped his hammer and pulled you into a tight hug. You were taken by surprise but melted into the hug. Holding onto Karl you began to cry. He held you closely, rubbing circles into your back.

"It's alright, I'm here. I'm not letting anything hurt you."

"I can't go back, I just cant." You cried.

"Of course you're not going back, you're coming to live with me," Karl said rather sternly.

"What?" You looked up at him confused.

"I want you to live with me. I, I've been thinking about it for a while. You said no one else understands you or appreciates you in the village. But I do. And, I, I love you." Karl looked down away from you.

Placing your hand on his cheek you guided him to look at you.

"It's rude not to look at someone when you're talking to them." You laughed lightly.

Karl chuckled and leaned in, connecting his lips with yours.

Standing there in the moonlight it felt unreal, but your tight grip on Karl proved that it was in fact real. Your heart fluttered and your head spun. But you liked it. You both did.

#karl heisenburg x reader #karl heisenberg #re8 #re8 x reader #resident evil #my writing

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through-blue-eyes · 2 years

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Co-Star told me to speak my truths loudly and clearly, or I may lose them in the vast murmur, so I'm taking that as a sign to make a post. I want to try to do this regularly - I am just so freaking busy right now 😩😩 ANYWHO.....

For the past month, honestly, I keep thinking about this incident that happened when I was in second grade. I've never really talked about it before - and I think I need to. I never had a lot of friends in elementary school, pre 5th grade actually was some of the hardest years for me as a child. I grew up lower middle class, in a religious home, so I only wore skirts, and they were usually hand downs. I was an outcast in my class, but there was another outcast too, so we sat beside each other and did our work and things in silence -I actually didn't mind being left alone. That all changed, shortly after I "gave my heart to Jesus" got saved and started to process to be a Christian. I was 8ish - I can't remember what month this happened in the school year so I'm not for sure exactly how old I was (December baby) - I remember I told EVERYONE at school the next day about my Christianity. I was happy, I thought others would be too. Most people didn't care. I do remember the teachers congratulated me though - with the exception of one, she almost seemed to disapprove. Shortly after this happened, within a month, something happened though, and yeah, I'd be lying if I said it didn't still bother me.

I rode public transportation to school, and back then we had assigned seats - I shared my seat with my cousin, who lived in the same holler that I did. There were two younger kids that sat in front of us. I cant remember his name, but I will never forget his tear stained face, blue eyes and blonde hair. I can't remember what I was doing on that bus ride up until I noticed he was upset - he looked terrified, he was crying and we were right at his stop, so I didn't get a chance to talk to him. I remember I asked him if he was okay, and what was wrong, but he wouldn't tell me. I would have (should have) told the bus driver immediately, but where we were at his stop, I didn't. Because he was home.

The next morning I noticed he wasn't on the bus. Shortly after school started, I was called to the main office. There, I was met with an extremely angry father of the little boy, my mother, who looked upset/worried/uncertain, the principal, vice principal and counselor. Someone, the day before had pinched this boy, all over his arms, legs, back, stomach, literally EVERYWHERE. When asked to identify the person who did this to him, I was told the first two times he went though the yearbook, he didn't point anyone out. The third time, he pointed at me, and said that I did it. I tried to explain that I didn't do this, my cousin even spoke for me and said I didn't, but that was dismissed because she was my cousin. I asked to speak with the boy, and that was denied (I understand now, it's victim protection, but I certainly didn't at the time). I tried to defend myself - I didn't sit next to this boy, he was in a different grade then me, how could I pinch him all over if I didn't sit with him? My mom asked about cameras on the bus, at the time there weren't any. My mom did believe me - but she also didn't know how to properly advocate for her child. She was intimidated by the boys father, she even told me this then. And so, despite not having the answers as to how, the fact that he pointed me out, meant that I did it, as far as everyone else was concerned. Because my mom believed me, I didn't get paddled - but I did receive punishment. What got me more than that though, was what one of my teachers did. The same teacher who disapproved of my Christianity. She 'made an example' of me. She had me stand in the hallway, asked the other students if any of them had had issues with me bullying/being mean to them. And some lied, and said that I had made mean comments, or took their things and didnt give them back etc. None of which was true. She then humiliated and shamed me in front of the entire classroom and finished with the line I will never forget "And you're supposed to be a Christian". I think I was in the "doghouse" as they called it for at least a month. You sit by yourself, at a desk that was 5 feet away from everyone else, you were not allowed to speak, you are lunch alone, you went to the bathroom alone, and you didn't receive recess. And that's when I started to get bullied, rather than left alone. It was never physical, it was just words, but they definitely made lasting impressions on me. All of these people who were my peers knowing lying about things that I didnt do, just further cementing that I wasn't welcome, didn't fit in. Didn't belong. I probably should have been put in counseling after that incident. It definitely changed me. I loved school before that happened. But the remainder of elementary was hard after that. That's when I really started to read I think. That's when I started escaping.

This post turned out to be super long 😳 I started writing this at 1:30, and I'm just now finishing it up. (busy, busy). Hopefully getting this out there will get it off my mind. I do feel better after having finally wrote about it. I'm not for sure why I've been thinking about it so much, but maybe this will help.

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caffeinated-chaos-bean · 2 years

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God I honestly didn't think I would ever run across a true crime podcast that actually would end up triggering me.

I need to vent these feelings in some way, so I do apologize if this ends up as a lengthy post... but I feel like speaking on these triggering feelings will ease some of the anxiety opposed to just sitting here trying to breathe and ignore them.

So... my mom and I like to listen to either Lights Out Podcast or Mile Higher Podcast once it gets late, because tbh the soft talking tones and how the videos usually are pretty long. Due to this, we usually put them on and then fa asleep. It's either true crime, paranormal, or just whatever topic sounded interesting at the moment.

Now, tonight we put on the video regarding Virginia Tech and I had been playing New Horizons while listening to the backstory of Cho and what events happened in the months leading up to the massacre. See, this right here... this shit right here is what triggered me. Not the massacre itself, not the events going on has Cho made his way around the area and the bloodshed he caused... its the BEHAVIOR that Xho exhibited in the months leading up to it all that triggered me.

So... according to what was said in the podcast, Cho had essentially become a loner. He didn't speak to anyone in his college classes and sat in the back. There were multiple incidents in which he had made his female classmates uncomfortable via harassment and the fact he would take pictures of their legs from under the desks.

It's this that's triggered me. And it probably seems like something that would cause unease when hearing it, sure... but I resonated with it. Hearing the description of how he behaved gripped part of me that just.... I have a pit in my stomach and have trying to breathe slow because of it. I never thought that a podcast would make me fucking think bsckro my last two years of high school and the bullshit they let a student get away with.

You see, I'm a quiet person. I don't like conflict and I had been bullied starting in 5th grade. I didn't talk to many during high school, but I wasn't going to be rude and not talk if someone tried to have a conversation with me. Sometimes I was too nice... too much of a pushover.

During my junior year, I had this one kid in my science and psychology classes. Blonde, glasses, pretty damn awkward. He introduced himself as being Obama was his 11th cousin... yknow... despite himself being a londe white kid kid glasses.

I later learned that he was autistic. My niece is autistic and so is a friend of mine, so I mean... I really didn't think too much of it. He wasn't too talkative and mainly was talking to himself at his desk or doing shit in his binder. I underestimated this kid big time.... I didnt know what kind of bullshit situation I'd be in when he slipped a paper into my backpack and asked to be friends.

He got jealous when i wouldn't interact with him or was spending time with my then boyfriend. He didn't like him at all. He called him a human hippo. He made inappropriate comments and flat out accused me of watching hentai in my free time and speculated on what my boyfriend and I did when we were alone. Eventually I got tired of this and stopped interacting with him because I wasn't comfortable with his behavior.

Doing the second half of junior year, there were countless moments where I had to go to the discipline office because I didn't feel safe and this kid kept following me around campus and was actively looking for me if he couldn't find me out in the cafeteria or library.

Then senior year rolled in and this situation persisted. He upped the creepy factor by sitting in the far back of the library and I found out that when he was there, he would be taking pictures of me using his Nintendo 3DS.

I mentioned going to the discipline office because of this behavior, yeah? The excuse they gave both me and my mother was that he was autistic and going through a "hard puberty". They didn't want to deal with the situation.

This is honestly where I think my anxiety started. I developed trichotillomania during this year as well. I made my boyfriend walk me to my bus, as we used different ones, before he went to his because this kid would follow me to the bus. I had friends walk with me when my boyfriend was out of school because of it.

Thi gs got worse. During passing periods where we had 15mina to get from first to second period, this kid would taunt my boyfriend as we walked to choir. He eventually tried to attack him. Now my boyfriend was heavy. Over 200lbs. This stalker as this kid had become was scrawny and a twig. A half hearted shove from my then boyfriend in defense of being punched sent him four feet back onto the grass. We immediately went to the office after this.

Still nothing was done. I had to threaten going to the police and taking matters into my own hands for them to keep an eye on this kid so he'd stay away from me.

Because of this experience, no matter how much I want to be nice and get to know someone, this experience has fucked me over when it comes to getting to know someone new who is autistic. And I hate that I have to say that. I hate that this is how it's affected me, because I know not every autistic person is like this. I guess it's the trauma of it... which sucks and makes me feel like shit.

But... back to the main topic of this convoluted and all over the place rant session, when the podcast takes about how Cho behaved towards his female classmates and such... it just mentally sent me back to high school and relive those shitty memories and dissociate for a good hour while laying in bed.

I never thought a podcast would trigger me like this. I can handle true crime. I can sit there in my underwear and listen to podcasts about rhe Black Dahlia or Ted Bundy or even fuckinf Albert Fish and not even flinch at the shit they did, but this??? This is what gets me????

Trauma is fucking nuts... I wish California wasn't so damn expensive and my town had therapists who actually tool my insurance, otherwise I would get help for all the repressed and ignored trauma these high school events caused.

#mun #admin #alice #mun post #mun speaks #admin speaks #admin post #admin alice #mun alice #alice speaks #rambles #triggered #anxiety #tw #trigger warning #tw stalking #stalking #tw virginia tech #virginia tech

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radiorenjun · 4 years

Text

I Don't Need It

• Pairing: Na Jaemin x Reader

• Genre: Angst, Comedy, Fluff

• Na Jaemin despised the idea of soulmates, he wanted to fight against fate for choosing his soulmate for him. Even if it means his stubborn childhood best friend wouldn't stop trying to make him accept about the similar tattoos on their wrists.

• Masterlist here!

• Chapters: vii, viii

"What? They can't just break up like that!" you gaped, shaking Renjun's shoulder lightly to exaggerate your point. Renjun rolled his eyes before clicking his tongue, "oh come on, you didn't see that coming? Their relationship was bound to end at some point, y/n."

You were both binge watching the ninth season of The Big Bang Theory at your house, originally planning to study and do chemistry homework together, but being the procrastinator you were, you ended up getting distracted. Hence, why the two of you are sitting on your bed watching one of the most heartbreaking episodes on The Big Bang Theory while munching on some pizza,

“But they were so cute together! My Shelamy heart can’t take this, Injun!” you shook your best friend aggressively as you continue to whine, ignoring the sighing boy who was contemplating on why he was even friends with you in the first place. “He even got a ring for her, if that isn’t the cutest thing ever then I don’t know what is,” you groaned, collapsing on your bed as the thought of someone giving you a wedding ring made your heart flutter.

“Always the hopeless romantic,” Renjun sighs, running a hand down his face as if to say ‘I’m so done right now’. “Disgusting,” he teased, letting out a soft grunt once he felt you throw a pillow at the back of his head. “Shut up, nerd. You still have to find your soulmate, why not let your magnificent best friend mourn over the fact that she’s gonna be single for the rest of her life and let a girl dream?” you joked, earning a dark glare from Renjun.

Ouch, why did that hurt? It was your own joke after all.

“Don’t say that you sadist. You need to stop making jokes bout the bad things in life, that’s not very healthy.” Renjun lectured, his hand coming up to pinch your cheek hard. You frowned, pulling his hand away from you as you chuckled nervously. “You know me, Jun. Humor is a coping mechanism for everything. I’m mad at you when you mock me for simping over Timothée Chalamet when he starred on Little Women? I use sarcastic humor as a revenge.”

“I feel frustrated for failing that test because the damn substitute teacher wouldn’t believe me that I didn’t skip school instead of spending the whole day in the infirmary with a twisted ankle, watching Goblin with the nurse? I use sardonic humor to snap back at said teacher.”

“I get sad for accepting the fact that I am going to be single for the rest of my life? I use dark humor to cope with it instead of curling up in a ball and eat ice cream for the rest of my life and get Type 2 Diabetes.” you shrugged shamelessly as Renjun gaped at you, rubbing his temples to slowly process on your words. “Okay, firstly,” he started.

“One, Timothée Chalamet in that movie was desperately simping over a girl who clearly didn’t deserve him. Come on, tell me you didn’t get annoyed when he keep saying the l word at Jo despite her spilling her feelings out and rejecting him countless of times.” Renjun inhaled, his eyes boring widely into yours, his words speaking nothing but facts. “I get that but-” you started before the older boy cut you off, “I’m not done yet.”

“Secondly, that substitute teacher wasn’t even a teacher. She was an ear raping machine, no one liked her. Also, I gotta admit spending a whole school day watching the Goblin arguing with The Grim Reaper instead of spending excruciating hours writing your wrist off and trying not to snooze in the middle of Mr. Lee’s math lecture would’ve been the most luxurious thing a student could ever ask for”. And I am pissed off you got injured and left me there in class, suffering all by myself.” he laughed, flicking you on the forehead teasingly.

“Lastly, if you want to say something bout Jaemin, you know you could’ve just say so instead of sugar coating it.” Renjun sucked in his lips, smacking you with the pillow you threw at him previously, mentally preparing himself to comfort you knowing that you’re bout to go on another rant of how much you missed Jaemin. But if it helps you feel better and take another small step to moving on, then he’ll listen to you rant til his brain implodes.

You frowned, letting out a soft chuckle. “You know me too well, Jun.” you felt tears lining up your eyes, you leaned your head up, trying to blink the tears away. “It’s not helping when he’s literally next door. Or in the same school as I am, or in the same planet.” you leaned back to lay on your back on the mattress, your pillow hugged tightly to your chest as you let out a heavy, frustrated sigh.

Renjun patted your knee, silently urging you to continue to let out your thoughts. You couldn’t advert your gaze away from your ceiling, “He used to be so sweet before this whole soulmate ordeal,” you began with a sniffle. “Honestly, middle school was one of the best eras of my life. When me and Jaemin were just clowns on crack playing Five Nights At Freddy’s and goofing off, it still makes my heart flutter when I think bout the memorable moments we shared in middle school.” you closed your eyes as a flood of memories clouded your mind.

7th grade, an iconic year for your friendship. “Y/N!” Jaemin called out from the other side of the classroom, causing you to turn to him in the middle of your little gossip session with your friends. “You wanna play truth or dare with us?” he asked with a sweet smile, a few of your classmates gathering to the back of the class to sit down in a circle. You nodded in excitement, ditching your friends in hopes you get a spicy dare.

You sat in between Lia and Jeno, rubbing your hands together as you waited your turn to either give or receive a truth or dare. “Jaemin! Truth or dare?” a boy whose name you can’t recall asked with a mischievous smile. Jaemin rolled his eyes before answering “dare” with a bold, cocky smirk, eyes practically challenging his classmate to give him an extreme dare. The boy stopped to contemplate before turning to him with a cheeky chesire grin.

“Since you’re so close to Y/n, why don’t you sit on her lap?” the boy snarled, causing your classmates to let out whistles and soft “ooo”s around you. You raised a brow, “wait a second, that’s not fair. This is his dare not mine, why am I the one being sat on.” you whined as Jaemin tried to hide his flustered expression of sitting on his best friend’s lap. “Well, it’s a dare either way, he’s gotta do it whether he wants to or not.” he stuck his tongue out at you as you hissed back.

“Fine.” you mumbled as Jaemin laughed and tried to conceal his flustered expression and sat on your lap idly, his hands in between his legs as you try to restrain yourself from wrapping your arms around his waist and making things even more awkward than it already is. “What’s the big deal? You wanted me to sit on her lap, why are you so shocked?” Jaemin laughed as a few of your classmates just stared at the two of you in disbelief.

“How are you not uncomfortable with a guy sitting on top of your lap?” your friend asked from across the group circle. You shrugged, raising your brow as Jaemin lets out a laugh, shrugging in response as well. “Is it wrong for a person to sit on their best friend’s lap?” Jaemin asked with a raise of his brow, a teasing smile evident on his face as your friend struggled to find the words to say next.

“I must admit, you are quite heavy. I don’t think my legs are going to last long with your heavy, tall giraffe-like body.” you laughed, causing Jaemin to turn his head back at you with a glare, letting out a small sinister smile. ”That sounds like a ‘you’ problem, y/n. Suffer.” he spoke in a bittersweet tone.

“Wait, so you’re telling me that you had Mr. Na Jaemin sitting on your lap? For how long? All because of a dare?” Renjun paused, rubbing his temples to process this whole information. He knew Jaemin was a shameless and rather affectionately touchy boy, but he didn’t know that he was willing to accept such a gutsy dare. Yet again, this is you, he’s talking bout. The person who kept going for two years despite being rejected and gossiped left and right.

You shrugged, sitting up on the bed. “I was like, 11 years old. What do you want me to do, Huang? Born to be the family disgrace.” you grinned proudly, wiggling your brows as you placed a hand under your chin to pose dramatically. “You shouldn’t be proud of that. Weird flex but okay,” Renjun sighed heavily, raising a bottle of coke to his lips.

You inhaled as you began to spill another memorable moment from your childhood.

If there was one thing you and Jaemin had in common, it was that you both have absolutely no shame when flaring your dramatics.

It was 5th grade, you assume, when you and Jaemin had your first indirect kiss. It was a disturbingly iconic moment for the two of you, considering years after the incident you two kept doing it as if it were a part of your daily routine. You were at that age where kids around you were starting to take notice bout the soulmate concept. Teachers began explaining how the soulmate system worked during science class, causing you to involuntarily look at Jaemin from time to time to catch his disgusted expressions.

Often, snickering at the boy sitting in front of you who was gagging and mimicking the teacher as she explains. Sticking his tongue out in disgust when they started explaining the left tattoo concept. Jaemin sighed heavily, his hand stretching out to grab the water bottle on his table. His finger raised to push the lid off with a small pop, drinking without hesitation.

Jaemin looked down as he closed the lid and his brows furrowed at the oh-so-familiar name label on the lid of said water bottle. Written on the pink label with a sailor moon picture on the side was Y/N L/N. Jaemin almost threw up when he turned to you slowly, making you look up from your notes to give him a questioning nod at his horrified expression.

The little boy raised the water bottle to show you your little sailor moon label, making you raise your brow questioningly, as if to say, ‘what’s wrong with my sailor moon label?’

Crud, he forgot you were using the same water bottles your parents got you when you were both shopping at the thrift store.

Your eyes widened in realization when Jaemin pointed at himself and your bottle, trying not to scream in terror and get a scolding from your strict science teacher. ‘Did you,’ you mouthed, pointing an accusitory finger at the boy sitting in distress in front of you. ‘Drink from my,’ you continued, using your other hand to point dramatically at yourself then to your bottle that was still in his hands. ’My bottle?’ you asked with wide terrified eyes.

Jaemin practically gulped nervously, nodding in response. You both took a moment just staring into each other’s terrified expression, before mouthing ‘what the heck?!’ or ‘oh crud’ repeatedly, as to not gain your teacher’s attention.’You drank from my water bottle, Jaemin?!’ you mouthed, rubbing your hands against your face in distress. ‘How am i suppose to drink now?’ you whined, facepalming now that Jaemin had placed your water bottle back on your desk.

‘How am I suppose to live now knowing your spit is basically in my body? ‘ Jaemin shudders in response, grabbing his throat with disgust laced across his face. ‘Gross, I have your germs in my mouth.’ he stuck his tongue out in disgust, fake gagging as you rolled your eyes.

Renjun just gave you an incredulous look, his mouth gaping open, trying to decide whether to laugh or shake his head profusely. “Gosh, you two were born to be so dramatic. Seriously, while other people are having a mental breakdown over doing algebra, you two were in the back of the class making lovey-dovey faces because you two had your first indirect kiss.” Renjun laughed, clapping his hands as he howled back in laughter.

You sat up and whined, smacking your best friend with the pillow you were hugging earlier, causing him to laugh even more.”Oh god, I wish I came here sooner to witness that.” he wheezed, dodging your hits with his forearms as you continued to smack him on the face, chanting “shut up, Huang!” repeatedly in shame.

“I couldn’t drink from that bottle for months! It was my favorite bottle, too! The fact that Jaemin brings that bottle to school everyday was just traumatizing for the both of us! Instant trauma,” you groaned, leaning back dramatically against the mattress. Renjun laughed, smacking you with a pillow. “How did that even happen?” he asked incredulously.

“Some kid decided it would be funny to switch our bottles.” you pouted, stretching your arms across the bed like a starfish. “Did you two do anything bout it?” Renjun asked, his brows raising in amusement, practically eating your hilarious story up like it was a tub of candy. You sighed, looking away for a moment before mumbling under your breath.

“Jaemin said we should’ve replace the water in his water bottle with tap water from the bathroom, but I didn’t want to risk the guy getting a tummy ache so I spat in his drink instead.“

Renjun howled with laughter, a hand coming to hold his stomach as he leaned his head back laughing. “Why would you- Oh my god, this is gold. I can’t-” he wheezed, tears lining his vision as his tummy started to ache from laughing so hard. “Shut up! I was like, nine years old at the time. At that exact moment I felt no remorse for my actions whatsoever but now that I said it, it makes me feel even worse!” you whine, your feet kicking Renjun off the bed.

He landed on your carpet floor with a loud thud, his laughter subsiding into giggles. “That’s the chaotic energy everyone in this generation wants to have, holy shit, why wasn’t this documented ? This could’ve gone down as one of the most iconic moments in history. Honestly, whoever that kid who switched your bottle was, he’s that hero that doesn’t even need a cape.” he jokes, sitting up to earn a death glare from you.

Oh, if looks could kill, right now.

“Whatever, you sadist. Enjoying your time as you watch me suffer in despair.” you swung your arm over your eyes dramatically, feeling the mattress sink, assuming that Renjun had climbed onto the bed once again. “Come on, tell me another one. I promise I won’t laugh,” Renjun raised his pinkie finger with a soft smile. You raised your brow at him with your lips in a frown, causing Renjun to shrug innocently, “too much.”

You inhaled, your mind delving deep into the loving memories you had with Jaemin throughout your life. Your heart clenched at the next story you were bout to tell, the memory making your heart wanting to reach out for his even more. “Well, there was this one time-”

Ninth grade. Senior year of middle school. The previous day, you danced under the rain as Jaemin watched you from under the bus stop, hiding for shelter as you jumped around the empty cold streets. The fresh smell of rain hitting your nostrils as water made your clothes clung to your skin. Unfortunately for you, the next day you immediately got sick with a fever.

Receiving countless of text messages saying either ‘I told you so’ or ‘lucky bitch, you get to miss our physics test’ from Jaemin. You were shivering under the layers of blankets and hoodies you were wearing, stirring awake every hour due to how cold or thirsty you felt, tossing and turning every now and then. You turned when you heard your bedroom door opening, wondering who it was considering both your parents were busy at work at this hour.

Your eyes widened to see Jaemin, a coat hanging over his arm as he closed the door, and a plastic bag filled with delicious warm soup that you could smell from a mile away. “I can’t believe you left me to suffer all alone in school, I swear you purposely didn’t listen to me because you didn’t want to do that boring test.” Jaemin whined, a pout evident on his lips.

“Nana!” you exclaimed in a giddish tone, making grabby hands at him. Jaemin chuckled as he walked closer to your bed, sitting on the corner of your bed beside you, leaning his back against the headboard. He lays his coat on the chair behind your study desk, putting the plastic bag of food on your lap when you sat up. “Eat up. The sooner you get better, the sooner I can hug you to death for leaving me today.” He jokes.

You smiled, opening the plastic container inside to smell the scrumptious soup inside. “Chicken noodle soup, your favourite.” he spoke in a soft tone, smiling lightly at you. You grinned, grabbing the plastic spoon that came with it. “What? No soda on the side?” you grinned cheekily, earning a soft pinch to your cheek by your best friend. “Don’t you dare make song references in front of me as if you didn’t listen to me bout dancing under the rain yesterday, look where it got you now.” he tuts, shaking his head in a motherly manner.

“Geez, sorry, mom.” you teased, beginning to consuming your soup. “You’re sweating a lot, that’s a good sign.” Jaemin pushed a strand of hair away from your face and tucked it behind your ear, the sudden action causing you to pause from your eating for a brief moment, before shrugging it off. “I’ll probably feel be back to normal in a day or two.” you shrugged, gulping down a spoon full of soup.

“You’re gonna need to change, take your hoodie off.” Jaemin exclaimed, pulling your almost finished soup away from you. You let out a loud, “huh?” in response, your eyes widening at his sudden statement, trying to see if he was joking but no, Jaemin was dead ass serious.

“Take your hoodie off.” Jaemin ordered. “Jaemin!” you exclaimed, pulling your blankets up to your chin, protecting yourself from him. “You’re not gona get any better with wet stinky clothes on you, Y/N.” Jaemin rolled his eyes, walking over to your closet to grab a really baggy shirt of yours, tossing the big fabric over your face. You sat up and pulled the shirt off of your face to see Jaemin strip the white hoodie he was wearing over his body.

Your eyes caught the black shirt he was wearing underneathe had tugged up along with his hoodie, exposing his toned stomach to prove the results of how much time he spent working out at the gym with Jeno recently.

You squeaked at the action, looking away with a small blush tinting your cheeks. “Jaemin, what are you-” you flushed, taking the risk of looking at Jaemin again with a flustered expression to see your best friend standing in front of you with his white hoodie clutched in his hands. “Change your clothes, you’re gonna get even more sick if you lay there with wet clothes. You ran out of hoodies, use mine, instead.” he spoke sternly.

“Jaemin, I don’t think that that’s really necessary-” you let out a small squeak when Jaemin’s face came close to yours, his hand laying on your forehead and the other laying on his own. “You’re fever’s getting even worse. Change clothes and finish your soup while I get a warm towel ready, Y/n” He spoke, turning to leave your room, shutting the door behind him, unaware of how red your face must’ve been at the sudden contact.

You felt your heart beat increase at the actions that had happen before you, Jaemin’s hoodie resting on your lap, his strong cologne filling your senses, causing you to flush red even more as you tugged your wet sweaty clothes off and changed into the shirt and hoodie Jaemin picked out for you. You bit your lip when you could practically feel his scent engulf your whole being, your face becoming more red.

Did he always smell this nice?

The fresh smell of cinnamon and comfort was the only thing you could say to describe the indescribable scent of your best friend. You felt your heart flutter at the thought of constantly wearing his hoodie, but your thoughts were quickly interrupted when Jaemin came into your room with a bucket filled with warm water and a towel in hand.

“Lay down, y/n” he ordered, sitting on the bed beside you as you sunk down on the bed, pulling your bed sheets up to your nose so he wouldn’t see how red your face is. Jaemin didn’t think much of it when he dipped the water in the warm water, squeezing the water out to leave the towel warm and soaked, laying the warm towel on your forehead.

“You really didn’t have to do this, you know.” you bit your lip, sighing at the contact of his fingertips grazing against your skin as he layed the towel gently on your forehead. “I know, but you’ll probably die here if I don’t,” he chuckles. dipping the towel again once it got cold, squeezing the water out before placing it back on your forehead. “Does that mean you care bout me, Na Jaemin?” you smirked. “That’s quite embarrassing.” you teased.

Jaemin rolled his eyes softly at you, pinching your cheeks before cooping your nose. “There’s nothing embarrassing for a guy to care for his girl.” he commented simply. It felt like an arrow of pure adoration had struck through your heart. Well, that comment backfired. Wait, what does he mean by ‘his girl’?

“I’m your girl?” you spoke after a moment of hesitation, feeling your heart race against your ribcage once again. Jaemin chuckled, flicking your forehead teasingly, “not like that, you cheeseball.” he grinned, booping your nose once again before removing the towel from your forehead.

“Get some sleep, I’ll be right here when you need me. That is, unless your parents kick me out for staying too long.” he giggles, carressing your hair with his calloused fingers. “They’ll never kick you out, you live literally next door, Nana.” you giggled, nuzzling against his touch. Jaemin chuckled, putting the towel into the bucket before leaning in to give you a sweet kiss on your forehead.

Your eyes widened at the sudden act of affection, causing Jaemin to grin shyly. “You just look adorable, right now.” he mumbles under his breath before standing up and walking towards the door. “Go to sleep! I’ll be watching TV if you need me!” Jaemin exclaimed before closing the door with a soft click.

I don’t know bout you, but you knew you couldn’t sleep after his sudden display of affection.

You didn’t even realize tears were slowly streaming down your face until you let out a soft sob, Renjun’s figure coming close to comfort you. You felt Renjun’s arm wrap around your back, his hand coming up to your head to lean it against his shoulder. You sniffled, trying to swallow the sob that’s waiting to erupt from your mouth.

It was like day one all over again, with you crying your eyes out and Renjun comforting you by your side with food and movies. You shut your eyes tight once you felt that familiar burning sensation on your wrist, your heart aching and stinging against your chest. Renjun noticed your pained expression, his hand quickly yet gently coming up to see your left wrist, his eyes widening at the sight. “I’ll get you an ice pack, okay?” Renjun asked worriedly, carressing your soulmate mark as if it would soothe the burning sensation.

You nodded, crying even more as Renjun quickly bolted out your room, his footsteps echoing down the halls. You sniffled, trying to wipe the tears away with your palms, but like an endless waterfall, it never stopped. Nor did the pain in your heart.

Renjun came back with a sympathetic expression plastered on his face, coming up to you and gently placing the frozen packet of peas he found in your freezer on your glowing red tattoo. Renjun softly shushing you and caressing the back of your hair, his own heart aching to see his best friend like this. He couldn’t count the many times you had cried to him bout Jaemin since the dinner with your parents.

The countless amount of times he would press a cold surface onto your left burning wrist.

The countless times you would rant how your heart was begging for Jaemin’s stupid presence.

The countless times he wanted to punch Jaemin for not showing a single ounce of guilt and for how oblivious the younger boy is to how much he had been inflicting your pain.

You fell asleep in Renjun’s hold, the pain on your wrist subsiding into a dull ache, your heart beat in your ears.

Jaemin practically dragged his bag on the floor as he entered the room. His mood decreasing as the seconds go by, his eyes dark with exhaustion and pain. Lately, he hasn’t been focusing properly on the tasks in front of him, his mind was always somewhere else when Coach was discussing strategies for next week’s game.

He was always spacing out to the sound of his own heart beating in his ears, his eyes setting on a certain object in the corner of the room he was in, his body freezing in place as his whole head was in a haze. He’s gotten a countless amount of scolding for spacing out in the middle of practice, the endless amount of times Coach would get a student to hold a volley ball from the storage closet, ready to hit him with whenever he spaces out during practice matches.

Today, he was on his breaking point, he recently failed his History test, then got another scolding from Coach. Hell, he was called to the office in the middle of class, the Coach’s heavy frown never bringing ease to his now tense figure.

Jaemin collapsed on his bed with a soft thud, trying to keep his breath under control as his Coach’s words echoed in his head, his head buried into the soft fabric of his pillow. He tried to keep his mind from overthinking Coach Kim’s words adding into his stress.

“Na Jaemin, recently, I’ve become aware of how much you’ve been a little... distracted, lately. I’m sorry to say but as Captain of the whole team, you need to be on full focus for the game. If you can’t do that then I’m afraid someone else will.”

Jaemin gripped his pillow tightly, his breathing deepen as he tries to calm himself, his heart beat increasing. He squeezed his eyes tight, the look of disappointment in his team’s expression was all he could think bout for the rest of the day. His heart feeling heavy in his chest.

“I know, I know, this seems too far but, we can’t afford to lose the school winning streak all because of our captain spacing out because of who knows what! I know I sound delirious for saying this, but we can’t risk this.”

Jaemin remembered the heavy feeling of promising his Coach that he will get his problems sorted out right away so it wouldn’t interfere in the way of winning the game. He wouldn’t know what to do with himself if the endless hard work he puts into playing football the past two years went to waste when the position he trained so hard to earn was taken away just like that.

Jaemin sniffled, sitting up as he tries to shake those thoughts away. His eyes blurring slightly at his Coach’s words repeating themselves inside of his head. He stood up, stretching his arms out to release the tension in his muscles, as he tries to delve into a more positive state of mind. His eyes closing in concentration.

‘Don’t think so negatively, Jaemin. You can do this, just stay focused at the task at hand and worry bout this weird pain after the game.’

Jaemin unconsciously walked towards his window, an exhausted groan eliciting from his mouth. ‘You’ve got this !’ he thought with determination, calming his thoughts as a content smile stretched across his face. Jaemin opened his eyes slowly, his bunny smile immediately dissipated into a deep frown, his eyes widen slightly at the sight from the window across his.

You were with Renjun on your bed, doing what looks like cuddling in each other’s warm embrace. You were sitting in between Renjun’s legs, your back facing Jaemin, making him unable to see your expression. Your head was leaning against Renjun’s shoulder, his hand coming up to caress the back of your head. Jaemin’s eyes never left your figure being in such an intimate position with Renjun.

Jaemin felt his own blood boiling, his previously sour mood returning in an instant, his heart beating in his ears as his eyes stared daggers into Renjun’s head. He watched as Renjun’s eyes gaze contently to your figure laying comfortably on his, his fists clenching even more at the sight. That is, until Jaemin snapped out of it with a shake of his head.

What was wrong with him?

Why was he feeling so angry bout seeing you cuddling with someone like that?

Yet again, when was the last time you cuddled him like that. Jaemin pulled his curtains to cover the sight across him, walking to the bed, running a hand through his hair. before leaning back to lay down on his mattress with his back facing his white sheets.

Jaemin sighed as he got lost in his own thoughts once again. When was the last time he cuddled you? Or held your hand? His head turned to the side, eyes scanning the picture frames he hung up on the walls of his room, stopping at the picture you took on your trip to Busan during winter back in 7th grade.

In the picture, you had Jaemin wrapping his arms around your shoulders in a gentle embrace. Your smile wide and your expression filled with laughter as Jaemin's happy one focused on the camera. Your eyes weren't on the camera, though, they were on him.

Cheeks and noses warm and red from the cold snow, clothes stained with the snow you played with to make snow angels and snowmen, your smile so wide, Jaemin could almost hear your bright laughter from the picture itself. As if he was reliving in that exact moment.

When did you stop smiling like that?

Jaemin realised he never noticed how forced your smiles became, how you use humor to mask every single emotion, how no matter how tired you are, you always manage to joke bout the littlest things to make him crack a smile.

"Why are you sad?" Jaemin asked as he drove you home one day, you glanced up at him with exhaustion glossing over your pupils, showing how pained you were for a split second, before you crack into a loving eye smile.

"I'm not sad, silly. I'm just tired of Mrs. Lee getting up in my ass yelling at my ear as if she was begging for my head to explode and have blood erupting out of my neck like a distorted volcano pms-ing." you joked, causing Jaemin to let out a soft laugh.

"You have the weirdest thoughts, I swear." he shook his head, his eyes glancing at you for a split second before returning to the road. "You're not normal yourself, Nana. We're all clowns in this generation, don't act like its a weird thing." you laughed, smacking his shoulder lightly.

Jaemin raised his brow at you, "me? A clown? You're practically born in a circus." he chuckled. "Says the person who says 'wow' every five seconds for the simplest of things. Post Malone basically wrote that song off of you, you should sue." you giggled, causing him to giggle.

"I am praying to God so that he could add at least add more braincells into that silly head of yours." Jaemin laughed. "God made me to be a clown, I must live on with my purpose, Nana." you added with a wink. "And a simp, too." you giggled.

Jaemin rolled his eyes at the memory, smiling at your terrible attempt at flirting. But his smile turned into a concerned expression once he remembers how pained your eyes looked at the time. As if you were holding pent up frustration, pain and emotion behind the humor.

Since when did you try to hide everything with humor? And when did he start to be one of those people who believed that you were okay behind that bright exterior? He was your soulmate for-

Wait, a second. Your soulmate? Why was he addressing himself like this? So what if he's your soulmate? It doesn't give him the right to barge into your personal problems. You didn't want to do anything with him after that dinner party, so why would he bother to think bout you when you were probably moving on with Renjun?

Jaemin licked his lips bitterly, his brows furrowed in frustration. A hand coming up to rub his face in distress, what was wrong with him these days?

Jaemin's thoughts went to how your body slumped weakly in Renjun's embrace, his eyes glancing down at your figure in a protective manner, his hand caressing your soft hair to soothe and comfort you. Jaemin knew how this would lull you to sleep in an instant, send you in a cuddly haze in people's arms.

Why did he know this?

Because he was the first one to experience it first hand, why should Renjun experience such an endearing moment? Why should Renjun see how vulnerable you are when it comes to-

Jaemin winced as the familiar pain in his chest resurfaced, his wrist aching again. He closed his eyes, 'not this again,' he thought to himself. Jaemin leaned over his drawer, his heart aching heavily against his chest as he opened the drawer to pull out a couple of pain killers

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tearosewater · 3 years

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Someone I was once very close to died recently.

A friend messaged me today to let me know an old friend of mine passed away this past weekend. She was 33.

I first met her in elementary school, we sat at the same table in 5th grade, but I didn't become her friend until 7th grade, when she took me under her wing. I was shy and friendless, and she was bold and confident and the other kids were afraid of her. There were rumors that she was a witch, so naturally we became close right away.

We remained close friends all through our teen years where we had a very tumultuous relationship. You know the movie Thirteen? It was very that. She was a drug addict and she sought validation in sleeping around. I was identifying as asexual then and preferred self-harm and alcohol as my poisons. We were extremely reckless and I'm constantly surprised by how much we were able to get away with at such a young age.

She drove me insane. I was always looking after her, keeping her in line, making sure she never went off the deep end. She understood me on a deep, emotional level and we would talk for hours about our trauma and our fears.

She got pregnant at 19 and after she relapsed and got back on heroin, I was designated by her caseworker as one of the only people allowed to watch her daughter and supervise her visits. I went with her to planned parenthood during pregnancy scares. I intercepted a drug dealer at the bar trying to give her cocaine behind my back. I threatened to kill a man when he tried to take advantage of her passed out at a party.

Finally when I was 22 I had had enough. I couldn't be her absent mother anymore. I couldn't let her condescend to me about my life choices. I couldn't continue to have the mentality of a teenage girl. which she never seemed to grow out of.

But I did miss her. Over the 10 years we didn't speak, I thought about the good times and considered reaching out to her from time to time. Whenever I was in my old neighborhood, I subconsciously looked for her, hoping or dreading I might run into her. The best friend I have now, that I met through her, she and I would still talk about her like a toxic ex-boyfriend. No one really talks about how profoundly a friendship like that can affect you.

Her heart finally gave out. I didn't even know she had had surgery some years ago to replace a faulty valve, and then that deteriorated too, with the rest of her body. At only 33.

I feel a very strange mix of emotions. It was for the best that we didn't speak anymore. The lot of us got our lives together, got good jobs, got married, had kids. I graduated from college, met a man I still love, work a corporate job. She never managed to get out of the spiral.

Despite how she hurt me over the years, I'm still sad. I'm sad that even when she was given the help she needed, she was never able to utilize it. I'm sad her parents lost their only child. I'm sad her now teenage daughter no longer has a mother. I'm sad that we were all able to move on and she couldn't.

I'm still debating going to the services. If my friends go, I'll go. But I'm also worried I might throw hands with her piece of shit ex, who made her life so much worse with his god awful presence. I'm nervous about seeing old friends from a previous life.

I just had to get that out of my system.

#death #drug abuse #friendship #grief #personal

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hillbillyhippiemusicreview · 2 years

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TAYLOR HERNLY’S SIDEWALK PREACHER PREACHES THE GOSPEL OF INDIVIDUALITY

If you’ve ever heard of or crossed paths with the esoteric Taylor Hernly, then you can attest to my next statement as fact: he is one of the most unique artists in the industry whose biggest facet of his entire career is his eclectic individuality. He wears it as a badge of honor, as he should. From his musical beginnings as a drummer for country legends and new artists to his present endeavors as a one-man band and solo recording artist, Taylor has livened up the independent scene with his original brand of music. He’s fearless in an industry that still to this day thrives more on similarity than inclusivity. However, what you may perceive with Taylor is not quite what you get, nor hear—one might expect him to have an uncharacteristic sound that differs from the norm in today’s Appalachian scene, yet when he opens his mouth to sing you hear deep, genre-bending vocals that effortlessly blend together into a sound that can only be described as Taylor Hernly. Today, we sat down to chat with him about the upcoming re-release of his previously self-released album, Sidewalk Preacher, through Sony Orchard.

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L: Hey there, Taylor! We’re glad you to have you with us at HHMR! Tell me, how is life treating you these days?

Treating me well! I've been pretty busy this year and I'm excited to take some sort of a break this winter to prepare for next year!

L: You and me both—2021 has been our busiest year at HHMR and some R&R in the mountains is well overdue! So, before we dive into the development of Sidewalk Preacher, I’d like to quickly touch on the evolution of you for readers who may be unfamiliar with you. Who is Taylor Hernly? Where did you come from? Also—outer space is not an acceptable answer.

Taylor Hernly is a introvert with extrovert desires, always trying to entertain in the best way he can. Whether it be stupid videos, weird statuses, bizzare conversations about things you never thought you'd talk about and of course...writing weird music. Everyday of my life is a constant search for adventure and answers to questions I have at the time. The only goal I have in my life is the live it to the max before the Urakhs from my home planet Eekkr come back and take me home. Oh yeah, Outer Space isn't valid. In that case, I'm from Central Indiana.

L: Well, you certainly seem to be living quite the interesting life on the earthly roads while you wait to return to your homeland—I mean while you try to avoid an (eventual) alien abduction. Speaking of the road, where did you get your start in music?

I first started playing music when I was in 5th grade signing up for band class. They said we could pick three instruments to try (which honestly is lame, they should of let us try them all, but whatever dude). My three were clarinet, trumpet and percussion. [I] almost followed in my mother's footsteps and picked up clarinet. But, my buddy was taking guitar lessons so with the goal of being a famous rock band, I picked percussion and we made a vow to chase the dragon of Rock-N-Roll. *It was at this moment Taylor displayed his signature smirky scowl and threw up the rock and roll hand sign, or if you’re from Texas, the “Hook ‘Em Horns”. Or, was it a “I come in peace” signal to the aliens to rescue him from this interview?!*

But, my parents took me out of that school due to bullying issues. The school I got transferred too didn't have band, so my parents signed me up for drum set lessons (which honestly was much cooler than school band percussion) and the rest is history. [I] played drums for 10 years before starting my songwriting adventures. In high school I had mental illnesses that put me through hell. I thought I was a freak and a loser, but I really just didnt understand what was going on with me. So, I started writing songs to combat the pain and constant panic attacks. It was the only escape I had from the world. I loved it. Still do! It's who I am!

L: I agree with you—children should be encouraged to explore whatever they wish in music and it’s a shame that music classes have diminished over the years! The arts are so important, especially for struggling teens who need a way to express themselves. While I truly abhor the circumstances you endured, I am thankful they allowed you to find your voice. Were those experiences what led to your eventual transition to a solo artist?

I love drums, I did SO MUCH playing drums. I'm so blessed to have been a drummer. But, one day I just didn't love them anymore. The thrill was gone. My need to write songs and bring that part of me that saved my life to the world. I have something to say, and I just couldn't say it on drums.

Photo by Caleb Campbell

L: I love the way you phrased that—“I have something to say” yet you couldn’t say it the way you were existing. So you made a change, putting yourself in the driver seat of not only your rad van, but your life. That’s quite inspiring! Referring to being a solo artist, some might say you take “solo” to the extreme (referencing your recent FB post with all the “solo” puns that had me snickering.) As a loner myself, I always say there’s solace in solitude—do you feel that your time spent on the road alone has influenced your creative process and career in some way, be it in a positive or negative light?

I'm a loner, I enjoy being alone. I write songs better when I'm alone. If you have ever been at a festival, show or any crowded event with me. I guarantee you've seen me wonder off many times. I grew up on a farm, being adopted I was an only child, I really didn't have any friends for a while, so I had adventures on my own. Really had a blast. Truly. Being on the road in generally is very inspiring. But there's never a time on that highway where a wave of sadness sinks over me. It can get brutal. But some of my best work comes from that. I welcome the darkness, because without, I wouldn't see the light and appreciate it the way I do.

L: I feel that on a spiritual level. I love the festivals, the music, and the people but after too long I’ve got to withdraw and find my peace alone. Solitude is where some of my best work comes from, too! Now that we’ve discussed the evolution of you, I’d like to hear about the conception of Sidewalk Preacher. It’s an eclectic album, perfectly combining a plethora of sounds and the myriad of influences that make you, you. Did you intend for it to be such a diverse record or did it begin as some sort of concept piece, or merely a collection of songs and stories?

Intend to? Nah. Rich Morpugo is a great producer, [and] we took it song by song. I told him my vision and he had the resources to make it happen.

I'm walking away from country music, and Sidewalk Preacher was supposed to be my country album, [to] leave something behind from that period of my life. But when Dane Clark of John Mellencamp came in and laid down drums. I knew that I had to focus on each song individually. I hope to do all my records this way. I can't stand the boxes people will put themselves in. I listen to EVERYTHING. It'd be [a] waste to not use the knowledge. Like Jim Croce said “And if it gets me no where, I'll go there proud.”

L: I think in the world of music, that’s a good mindset to have. Musicians tend to get so caught up in the numbers at times, when they are not truly reflective of the art created. If you’re serving your artistic integrity then you’re already ahead of the game. In relation to being true to you, if you had to choose one song off Sidewalk Preacher that is definitive of you as an artist, which would it be and why?

Great question. If we're talking in general, "A Boy Called Hurt" would be the pick. I'm rocker. I'm a wanna be punk. I like progressive music. I like how it sort of displays itself in that song.

BUT, I'm gonna cheat. It would be a crime to not mention “Johnny Dickson’s Suicide Note.” I've always called my music Dark Folk Rock, and boy howdy, that song is a great example. That song is the most "me” from the whole album. It's got strong metal influences, which is where I thrive. It's haunting, creepy. It builds up into a cool ending. I love it. As I move forward in my career. I'd say take notice on these two songs to predict the future.

L: I would have certainly guessed “A Boy Called Hurt,” after seeing your transparency about song, but now that you explained “Johnny Dickson’s Suicide Note,” I can see that as well. Regarding the influences and genre nuances in your songs, who, or what, are your musical inspirations? Who shaped you as an artist?

Sturgill Simpson, Paul Simon, The Beatles and (he says with great emphasis here) Black Sabbath! I have an ton of influences but these guys are the reason I am who I am today.

L: That’s a diverse selection, yet I can hear notes of all of them all in your work! The way music shapes us is it’s most endearing quality to me. What is your favorite thing about music?

It's a universal language we all speak differently. It can save lives, make bad times a little better, motivate you to change your life. Hell, it can even sell cheeseburgers and beer. Music is very powerful.

Watch a documentary on Sea Shanties. Watch the video of the old folk song "Death and the Lady". Watch a video about the Delta Blues. Work songs, war songs, drinking songs. Watch anything about music that dates back long before we could record it. Music is so much bigger than us. People get so carried away to buisness side and inflated egos [that] we forget what music can really do. Could you imagine being out at sea, away from home and your chanting these songs to boost moral so they can make it home?! Music is so much more than 1000 of people screaming your name. It's the thing us humans need. Seriously, listen to "Roll the Old Chariot Along" and tell me you didn't get pumped! *Taylor laughs heartily*

L: Yes!!! It is the universal language and the thing that ties all of us together, even if we don’t realize it. Our bodies produce a natural rhythm that we may not notice, yet subconsciously understand. When we turn those rhythms into music, it can change the world—just like you’ve changed the world of yours and others with your music. Tell me about the initial recording/release process. What was that like?

New. All new. I've recorded this album four times. This time it was done right, so when you've done it wrong so many times, doing it right is a whole new concept. COVID held us back, but it was an amazing experience and I can't wait to do it again.

The release process was a beast. I didn't do all the things I should of done to make it the best release possible. Some folks didn't even know I had a record out, but my amazing fans pulled through. First two weeks we sold a hundred CDs and I was on top of the world. I've never had someone buy that much from me. Future albums, the release process will be taken a lot more seriously. So my advice to musicians—focus hard core on a release game plan.

L: I feel as if the whole process from beginning to end is a beast and a blessing at the same time. It’s all about the journey and what you learn from it for sure. All the songs and music were written/composed by you, correct?

Me, myself and I. Myself was a bit of douche, but Me and I got along great. Despite our differences I couldn't ask for a better crew to write these songs with.

L: Ah, there’s that quintessential Taylor humor we all know and love! It definitely speaks to both your talent and individuality that you authored every iota of the songs alone. As you mentioned before, upon release of the record that you sold out of physical copies quite quickly—no doubt a phenomenal feat for a debut album! Did that influence your decision to sign with Perry Music Group and re-release under the Sony Orchard brand? How did that come about?

Perry Music Group approached me after a show and we talked a little bit. Then, a few months later I reached out them about working together. They've been nothing but helpful on my journey. I'm currently in a transitional period to help prepare for the plans we have next year. I'm super excited to re-release this through The Orchard! Because despite it being my record, I really think if this album is given a fair chance to right people it could do some cool things. And Perry Music Group has been helpful making sure it happens.

L: Sweet—the wheels on the Taylor Train are in motion now! Do you intend to release more music in the future?

I'm far from done. But that's all I'm going say.

L: Noted. Now for some more lighthearted questions. I’ve got to know—what would you do for an ice cold bottle of Ale 8? Is there anything you *wouldn’t* do?

Lord, if you would of asked me this a few months ago I probably would of hiked through southern Alabama in July with a winter coat on for an Ale-8...but sadly I've had to cut caffeine out of my life. So, I haven't had it on my wish list in some time. I miss it though. Ain't nothing like downing a can and burning through state lines.

L: Tell me about it! I can pop open one in Kentucky and by the time I’m back down south six hours later it’s still carbonated. Nectar of the gods, I swear! Along with Ale-8, your sense of humor you share with the world makes me smile. What is your favorite lame dad joke or pun?

The Moth joke. Come to my show and ask me to tell the Norm Macdonald Moth joke and I will.

For now.

Why did the Psychology student buy a mountain bike?

He wanted to learn more about Cycle Paths.

L: *Laughs* That’s hilarious! I just know your response to this next one will make me laugh, too. We ask every artist we interview this question, just because the answers are so diverse and often hilarious—what is your spirit animal?

Wolf, George Carlin and Lyssa Culbertson. Next question.

L: Wow, that is not what I expected you to say but I’m certainly flattered—and bemused. In the words of the great Cody Lee Meece, “Shew buddy!” Bless your heart if I’m a part of your spirit animal trifecta, that’s all I can say! Now, it’s unfortunately time for that last question, so leave our readers with something good—what is something you want to do that you’ve never done?

I want to act and do a stand up routine. Y’all better be there or I'll be really mad and throw a hissy fit. I'm super cereal.

L: Funny thing is, I can see that clearly! I’m just teasing—you would be as great in comedy as you are in music. Well, we’ve truly enjoyed getting to know more about the man behind the music and the evolution of Sidewalk Preacher today. It’s truly a fantastic album and all your success is well deserved. Thanks for joining us, Taylor! We look forward to the re-release and all there is to come!

Watch a live video of the album’s title track below:

youtube

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*This is an independent article. The Hillbilly Hippie Music Review was not compensated for this interview.

*The opinions expressed are solely that of the author(s).

*These images are not ours, nor do we claim them in any way. They are copyrighted by the artist and photographers.

#Youtube

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