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the1975attheirverybest · 10 months

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im a bit of a mixed bag ngl i had my birthday which was very good then results which ehhhhh lowkey failed chemistry but i got into my top uni despite not meeting entry requirements !! but i now have horrendous period cramps and spent most of the morning wanting to murder anyone/thing that made noise until i was like ohhhhhh its here

as for favourite lyrics:

self titled: maybe basic but me and "i was thinking bout killing myself dont you mind?" because of the idea of if i did it would anyone care and its so obviously yes, people would mind A LOT but you still kinda dont think that. but also "id be your anchor but im scared you'd drown" from talk, the line from heart out which escapes me but is about turning into a tv, and "i know your looking for salvation in the secular age but girl im not your savour" because holy shit it did not have to go that hard. though it is very entertaining going through genius and finding out just how many drug references are snuck in that album

iliwys: i like cant actually explain it/don't understand it exactly but "im the greek economy of cashing intellectual cheques" just because of that idea of not feeling smart enough sometimes and like youre gonna hit a wall intellectually. but i also fucking love "for you are not beside me but within me" and the idea that you can love something so much it becomes a part of you and also how it links into what matty always says about tye transformative power of art and especially the feeling of listening to an album and feeling like it has become a part of you. also the "ive not been doing too well" at the end of nana makes me want to rip my hair out and like throw myself at a wall because its so incredibly sincere after a song that almost dances around his emotions and then its so incredibly direct and gut wrentching

abiior: in mine the "i fight crime online sometimes" is very good just because its a bit humourous in quite a sincere song and it juxtaposes the quite timeless instrumentation without being cringe. "what if you died with all of the cameras on" from petrichor stands out but i dont know why like i guess it could be to do with the idea of reaching a level if fame that even your death can be viewed by the world? theres probably a lot of better ones that are not coming to mind i was scrapping the bottom of the mental barrel a little

noacf: ittsysk speaks to me on a visceral level "see saw back and forth" and "oh please ignore me im just feeling sorry for myself" and undermining oneself despite having just outlined your mental turmoil.

bfiafl: "making an aesthetic out of not doing well and mining all the bits of you, you think you can sell" because i think we have all taken the selfie while crying for the funny later and ill very occasionally go through my notes app which no one else has read in an attempt to find something to put on tumblr or scrounging for photos i can put on tumblr to seem cool or edgy and even how because of small business tiktok people are monetising their hobbies that they do for fun because it could sell and people need money. also just "tell me you love me because thats all i need to hear" and "do you think that I've forgotten about you" are both so straight to the point yet so incredibly relatable and heartbreaking. "i would go blind just to see you" is quite fun because its a bit oedipus adjacent with the whole idea of prophecy and that oedipus only sees the truth when he is physically blind alike to tiresias.

sorry if this is a bit much. these are also all off the top of my head so there are probably a few better and more interesting ones im forgetting - 🐸

OKAY OKAY OKAY!!! So many unique highlights here. The line from Heart Out Is “you created a television of your mouth.” Which is such a specific and brilliant line in the way that only matty can write. In fact, only young matty. The more skilled he gets, the more concise he’s become. Which is definitely a strength but sometimes I miss his verbose and overly complex imagery. Like you can still see hun wrestle with it and try to work it out and circle round the idea but not quite get it. It’s so beautiful.

AND PETRICHOR?!!! HELLLOOOO!!!! Genius.

One thing about “Happiness” though…..I feel like it’s….purposefully…what’s the word….not quite cliche. More like tropey? Not that either. I don’t quite know how to to describe it. The whole “id go blind just to see ya.” “I’d go far just to have you near.” “Never gonna love again.” They’re very common ways of talking about love (and matty knows how to make the common uncommon but he does choose not to in this one) which helps to convey the energy in the song. In much the same way that the delicate imagery of JC2005 and the weirdly formal writing does the same there. Idk what the right words for this technique is. But I find it super interesting.

#🐸anon

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thefanficmonster · 3 years

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Infatuation

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: FLUFF, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: It’s not a secret that Corpse prefers taking care of his hair himself rather than going to a hair salon to get it trimmed and/or tampered. However, he only has so much knowledge of how to properly do it without having to obliterate his budget. Luckily, his girlfriend comes to his rescue.

Requested by Anon. Hi lovely! Thank you so much for the incredibly fluffy request! I’ve been very pumped to write it and now here it finally is - so sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post it but I still hope you come across it and give it a read! Love, Vy ❤

“Um, what are you doing?“

I just walked into Corpse’s apartment to find him barricaded in the bathroom, giving himself a hair appointment. We were supposed to have a chill night in watching movies, but it seems to me like those plans will either have to be delayed or canceled, given the chaotic state both Corpse and his bathroom are in. I mean, how dumb was I to expect he was actually doing his hair justice when he told me he styled it himself? Why didn’t that immediately raise an army of red flags in my head and lead me to question his methods?

I’m honestly quite jealous of Corpse’s hair. It’s always so soft and silky and no matter how much or how little effort he’s put in it, it always looks good: either evidently carefully styled or boyishly messy, it leaves me with heart-eyes regardless. But to see him massacre it like this, it makes me wish I could report it as a crime.

“Ain’t obvious?“ He sounds rather frustrated and I feel at least slightly better due to this fact. He deserves to be as frustrated as I am by the sight of the crap he’s doing. “Sorry, you’re gonna have to wait for me for...a little while. I just need to get this under control and, um, clean the mess. Sorry for ruining your night like this, babe. I-I really wasn’t planning on it to take this long but I forgot to buy one of the products and I thought I could wing it without it but...I very clearly can’t so...“

“Please, stop talking. I don’t need to know what sins you’ve committed - if I do I’ll probably have to give you the silent treatment for like a week or so.“ I call out to him as I quickly skip over to the kitchen to leave the food I bought on my way over before returning to the bathroom and carefully taking a step inside, mindful of where there are hair strands on the tiles. Even severed, his hair is beautiful and I have a ton of respect for it - ok fine, I adore it. Corpse definitely doesn’t appreciate it properly. I walk over to the shower, reaching out to the two shelves inside which are lined with different types of hair products. “Oh fuck...“ I let out the whisper without even realizing it because I’m so stunned by the brands I see on those shelves. “Corpse, um, what the actual fuck?”

He turns to me, eyes wide and terrified because of my menacing tone. “What? What is it?” His gaze searches the spot where mine was just pointed at, looking for anything that could’ve provoked such a reaction from me. Seeing nothing but the hair products, he meets my deadly glare yet again, “What’s wrong?”

Alright, this man-child needs some serious help

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong.“ I say, stomping towards the exit of the bathroom, “You’re gonna stay here and wait for me to come back and don’t you DARE, even touch your hair, let alone bring a pair of scissors or any chemical near it. Copy?“

“Copied and pasted, ma’am.“ He salutes me, knowing better than to ask questions when I enter my commander role. There are quite a few things that set me off into this bossy-ass persona, and hair mistreatment is most definitely one of them. Thing is, Corpse doesn’t know that. Well, he didn’t know that, pretty sure he’s guessed it by now.

Feeling myself soften at his obedience and trust, I give him a smile and a wink over my shoulder as I go to grab my bag and leave the apartment to complete my mission, “Good boy.”

* * *

“Isn’t that a lot better?“ I ask, gently running my fingers through Corpse’s freshly cut, washed and dried hair. I’ve spent a good five minutes just smoothing through it with my fingers. I bet he’s expecting me to say ‘my precious‘ at any moment now, and trust me it’s tempting, but I still don’t, I won’t give him the pleasure of predicting my actions. Wow, we’ve really reached that level of being familiar with one another that I predict that he’s predicting what I’m gonna do next. While I’m a guessing game for him, I tend to think of myself as more of an open book. You just gotta be fluent in the language it’s written in to understand it.

I’ve gone off-topic, my bad.

“Yeah, you’re a lot less scary now.“ He tells me, his hand finding mine in his hair and taking it to his lips to place a kiss on my knuckles.

We’re positioned so that we’re in front of the bathroom mirror with Corpse seated in a chair in front of me and I’m for once in my life towering over him from behind. Our height difference was threatening to be a hinderance in my work on his hair, but we easily figured it out.

I can’t help but laugh, “You know what I meant.“ I curl one of his already curly strands around the pointer finger of the hand that’s still wandering around the soft dark curls while the other remains in his gentle hold, resting on his shoulder.

“And you know what I meant.“ He shifts in his seat to look at me directly, not via the mirror, “Since when do you have a hair infatuation?“

I roll my eyes and retract my hands, defensively folding my arms over my chest, “It’s not an infatuation with hair, dummy. It’s an infatuation with your hair.” I correct him, doing quick work of styling the stray strands that fall over his forehead and eyes. “I really like your hair, you already know that. I can’t handle the thought you’re doing such a shitty job taking care of it.”

He shrugs, furrowing his brows, “Hey, I was buying top-shelf products, cost me a fortune every month, my hair was being treated like royalty.”

I roll my eyes once again, “High price doesn’t always equal high quality, Corpse. Did you ever stop to read what was in those products?” I don’t let him answer, I don’t need him to confirm what I already know. “Even if you did - which you didn’t - you wouldn’t know what each of those ingredients do to your hair. You see, taking care of hair, especially hair like yours, takes patience and knowledge. It’s practically an art form. It’s not like you can just buy any product that has ‘suitable for curly hair’ on it. There’s a lot more to that.”

It’s only after I finish my monologue that I realize he’s looking at me with amazed amusement in his gaze, almost like a parent listening to their kid talk about their wish of becoming an astronaut. “Since when do you know so much about hair? You’ve been using the same shampoo and conditioner since I know you and now you wanna lecture me on hair care?”

I raise an eyebrow at him, exasperated by his stubbornness on the matter, “Who said being consistent with your hair products is a bad thing? You know, frequent changing of brands has the potential of being damaging as much as aiding.” I explain with the most amount of patience I can muster, now taking over the parent role myself, “And as for your previous question, I know so much because my mother is a hairdresser.”

His eyes widen in surprise. I can practically see the gears in his brain turning as he tries to recall if I’ve ever told him this before.

“How come I don’t know that?“ He asks finally after a long moment of silence. “Why haven’t you told me?”

“You ask that as though I just tell you things like that on the regular. Did you also want me to drop the info that my dad’s a mechanic in passing conversation about video games? Cause that’s a little hard to shoehorn in....“ He cuts off my sarcastic rambling with a brief peck to the lips. He’s the only person allowed to shut me up, and only like that. Anything else will earn him either an earful or a silent treatment.

Just kidding....unless...

“So, does that mean you’re continuing the family business?“ he asks when he pulls away, “I mean, you’re technically my personal hairdresser now.“

I furrow my brows playfully, “Wait, what? Since when?”

“Since I hired you approximately an hour ago.“ He beams up at me, satisfied that I’ve fallen in his trap.

“And what about my payment?“ I ask, narrowing my eyes at him.

He looks to be contemplating for a second before he stands up from the chair, taking my hand in his leading me out of the bathroom, “Well, each appointment you’ll give me a different price, Miss Y/L/N. But, considering today was your first day, I choose to pay you with dinner.“ He sends a wink my way, laughing when he’s met with an unamused expression on my part as I stop in my tracks, causing him to halt his movements as well.

“You really plan on paying me with the dinner I bought?“ I raise an eyebrow at him, freeing my hand from his so I can put both my hands on my hips for the complete 'I’m far from impressed’ look.

“Yeah...? Problem?“ He asks, faking nervousness and guilt as he closes the distance between us, once again returning to the default of towering over me instead of it being the other way around.

“Several actually. First of all...“ I raise my finger in the air accusingly, ready to go off but the arm that wraps around my waist and lifts me off the ground causes my words to die down, evaporating in a frightened squeal, “Corpse no!! Put me down!“

Of course, he ignores me, carrying me into the living room while I don’t know whether to thrash or stay as still as possible.

Tsk, so much for gratitude

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idreamtofmanderleyagain · 4 years

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Five years ago, the women on this site who treated me like trash over loving Labyrinth and shipping Jareth/Sarah were almost always obliviously consuming Radfem propaganda, or were out and out Radfems/Terfs themselves.

They were the types of people who casually threw the word “pedophile” around against grown women who shipped an adult Sarah with Jareth, aka literally one of the most popular ships for women in fandom for 30 years.

Pretty much invariably, these women had serious sex-negative anxieties, which included a severe paranoia about any and all kink and fetish, and porn in general. I saw a lot of shocking, fear-mongering propaganda surrounding sexual expression. Pretty much invariably, their method of approach involved immediate personal shock-value attacks on anyone they perceived to be “bad.”

Today, you can look at the way some people react to other popular so-called “problematic” ships and recognize the same toxic, fear-mongering rhetoric coming from women who consider themselves regular, trans-inclusive feminists. Sometimes it even manifests in the words of very well-meaning people (including myself here), who feel the need to talk about specific issues that pertain to their own experiences of trauma and oppression.

The people who shit on Labyrinth often seem to not really be able to comprehend that the Goblin King, like the film itself, is canonically a representation of a teen girl’s psyche, a soup of fears and anxieties and desires and dreams. He’s not a literal human adult preying on a literal child, and to read the film that way seriously undermines the entire point of the film.

When I (and people of many fandoms) say “This is fiction, calm down,” I’m not just saying it’s not real so it cant hurt you and you can’t criticize me. I’m trying to call attention to what fiction actually is - artistic representations of feelings and experiences. The Goblin King is Sarah’s fiction. Therefore, he can be anything she or any woman who identifies with her wants him to be, including her lover when she’s grown and ready for such a thing.

I once took an alarming dive into Beetlejuice fandom to see what content was there (the cartoon was a favorite when I was little). Chillingly, what you’ll find is an extremely wounded fanbase, with a sharp divide between the older women who had long been shipping BJ/Lydia because of their love for the cartoon series (and whom were previously the vast majority of the Beetlejuice fandom), and a massive amount of young people riding the wave of the musical fad who had decided that the entire old school Beetlejuice fandom was populated by literal pedophiles.

I saw death threats. Suicide baiting. Constant, constant toxic discourse. It did not matter how the BJ/Lydia fandom dealt with any particular issues that would exist in their ship, in fact I’m certain that the people abusing them cared very little to even consider if they were trying to handle it at all. The only thing that mattered was that they were disgusting subhuman scum asking for abuse. If you have at any time reblogged recent Beetlejuice fan art or content from fans of the musical, you have more than likely been engaging positively with the content of someone participating in toxic fandom behavior.

Nobody is really sticking up for them, either, as far as I saw. It’s really hard to imagine how painful it must be to have such a large group of people explode into into your relatively private fandom space to tell you that you are evil, vile, and deserve constant abuse, and also you are no longer allowed into the fandom space to engage in it’s content. But I think there’s something very alarming indeed about this happening specifically to the BJ fandom, and I’ll explain why.

The pop-culture characterization of Beetlejuice, which is heavily influenced by the cartoon series to be clear, has always in my mind been a vaguely ageless being who matches with the psychological maturity of whatever age Lydia is supposed to be. He’s more or less like an imaginary friend, a manifestation of Lydia’s psyche. In fact, I would argue that i think most of us who grew up with the cartoon or it’s subsequent merchandizing before the musical ever existed probably internalized the idea as BJ and Lydia as this ageless, salt-and-pepper-shaker couple beloved by the goth community, similar to Gomez and Morticia. In each version of canon he may be a creepy ghost in the literal sense, but any adult who is capable of identifying literary tropes (even just subconciously) would read cartoon!BJ as an artistic representation of a socially awkward outcast girl’s inner world. Lydia’s darker dispositions and interests, which alienate her from most others, are freely accepted and embraced by her spooky magical friend. BJ/Lydia in the cartoon were depicted as best friends, but to my memory there was always an underlying sense that they had secret feelings for each other, which I identified easily even as a small child. In fact, their dynamic and behavior perfectly reflected the psychological development of the show’s target demographic. They are best friends who get into adventures and learning experiences together, who have delicate feelings for each other but lack any true adult romantic/sexual understanding to acknowledge those feelings, let alone pursue them.

Though I haven’t seen the Musical yet, I’ve read the wiki and I would argue that it embodies this exact same concept even more so for it’s own version of the characters, in that Beetlejuice specifically exists to help Lydia process her mother’s death.

This is not a complicated thing to recognize and comprehend whatsoever. In fact, it looks downright blatant. It’s also a clear indicator of what BJ/Lydia means to the women who have long loved it. It was a story about a spooky wierd girl being loved and accepted and understood for who she was, and it gave them a sense of solidarity. It makes perfect sense why those women would stick with those characters, and create a safe little space for themselves to and imagine their beloved characters growing and having adult lives and experiencing adult drama, in just the same ways that the women of the Labyrinth fandom do. That’s all these women were doing. And now, they can’t do it without facing intense verbal violence. That safe space is poisoned now.

Having grown up with the cartoon as one of my favorites and been around goth subculture stuff for decades, I was actually shocked and squicked at the original Beetlejuice film’s narrative once I actually saw it, because it was extremely divorced from what these two characters had evolved into for goth subculture and what they meant to me. It’s not telling the same story, and is in fact about the Maitland's specifically. In pretty much exactly the same way two different versions of Little Red Riding Hood can be extremely different from each other, the film is a different animal. While I imagine that the film version has been at the heart of a lot of this confused fear-mongering around all other versions of the characters, I would no more judge different adaptations of these characters any more than I would condemn a version of Little Red in which Red and the Wolf are best friends or lovers just because the very first iteration of LRRH was about protecting yourself from predators.

I would even argue that the people who have engaged in Anti-shipper behavior over BJ/Lydia are in intense denial over the fact that BJ being interested in Lydia, either as blatant predatory behavior a la the film or on a peer level as in the cartoon (and musical?) is an inextricable part of canon. Beetlejuice was always attracted to Lydia, and it was not always cute or amusing. Beetlejuice was not always a beloved buddy character, an in fact was originally written as a gross scumbag. That’s just what he was. Even people engaging with him now by writing OC girlfriends for him (as stand-ins for the salt-and-pepper-shaker space Lydia used to take up, because obviously that was part of the core fun of the characters), or just loving him as a character, are erasing parts of his character’s history in order to do so. They are actively refusing to be held responsible for being fans of new version of him despite the fact that he engaged in overt predatory behavior in the original film. In fact, I would venture to say that they are actively erasing the fact that Musical Beetliejuice tried to marry a teenager and as far as I’m aware, seemed to like the idea (because he’s probably a fucking figment of her imagination but go off I guess). The only reason they can have a version of this character who could be perceived as “buddy” material is because...the cartoon had an impact on our pop cultural perception of what the character and his dynamic with Lydia is.

We can have a version of the Big Bad Wolf who’s a creepy monster. We can have a version who’s sweet and lovable. We can have a version that lives in the middle. We can have a version who’s a hybrid between Red and the Wolf (a la Ruby in OUAT). All of these things can exist in the same world, and can even be loved for different reasons by the same people.

I’ve been using Beetlejuice as an example here because it’s kind of perfect for my overall point regarding the toxic ideologies in fandom right now across many different spaces, including ones for progressive and queer media, and how much so many people don’t recognize how deeply they’ve been radicalized into literalist and sex-negative radfem rhetoric, to the point where we aren’t allowed to have difficult, messy explorations of imperfect, flawed humans, and that art is never going to be 100% pure and without flaw in it’s ability to convey what it wants to convey.

This includes the rhetoric I’ve seen across the board, from She-Ra to A:TLA to Star Wars to Lovecraft Country. We don’t talk about the inherent malleable, subjective, or charmingly imperfect nature of fiction any more. Transformation and reclamation are myths in this space. Everything is in rigid categories. It is seemingly very difficult for some of these people to engage with anything that is not able to be clearly labeled as one thing or another (see the inherent transphobic and biphobic elements of the most intense rhetoric). They destroy anything they cannot filter through their ideology. When women act in a way that breaks from their narrative of womanhood (like...not having a vagina), then those women must be condemned instead of understood. Anything that challenges them or makes them uncomfortable is a mortal sin. There is an extraordinary level of both hypocrisy and repressive denial that is underlying the behavior I’m seeing now. Much like toxic Christian conservatism, these people often are discovered engaging in the same behaviors and interests that they condemn behind closed doors (or just out of sheer cognitive dissonance). As an example, one of the people who talked shit to me about Labyrinth was a huge fan of Kill La Kill, which to my knowledge was an anime about a teenage girl in like, superpowered lingere (hence why I stayed the fuck away from that shit myself). Indeed, they even allow themselves plenty of leeway for behavior far worse than they condemn others for, and create support systems for the worst of their own abusers.

Quite frankly, I’m tired. Instead of talking about theoretical problematic shit, we need to start talking about quantifiable harm. Because as far as I can tell, the most real, immediate, and quantifiable harm done because of anybody’s favorite ships or pieces of media seems to consistently be the kind that’s done to the people who experience verbal violence and abuse and manipulation and suicide baiting and death threats from the people who have a problem.

#Beetlejuice #Labyrinth #toxic fandom

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darkobssessions · 3 years

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Coping Tips for Autistic Women

I am compiling a list of resources for aspie women along with tips to manage symptoms and navigate the world. Regretably, most of my personal experience comes from living undiagnosed and unaware about this for the last 27 years. There was a giant elephant in the room with everything, and I have only recently worked it out. This means that most of my habits prior to this point were ones attempting to cope with a giant unknown, the limits of which were unclear. But they more or less worked, because, as I am realising, there’s always been something they are attempting to address.

With other diagnoses and ways I attempted to explain and understand my difficulties, there were finite causes and treatments. I should have been improving if I tried x, y, or z. And I did improve my symptoms in many ways, but there was something missing from the picture. That is that autism is my personality, my state of being, how I process and view the world. And no tool, medication, process or treatment was ever going to change who I really was. Being misdiagnosed (or being missed and failing to receive the autism diagnosis) means that I have been trying to correct something that you cant ‘correct’, and shaming myself for something fundamentally me.

Some of the tips I learned over time, from how I am as a person, without the framework of reference of neurodivergence or autism:

Sensory:

My sensitivity has always been a big waving flag. I felt and saw things others didn’t. I felt more deeply. I sensed the microeffects and changes in everything. I responded harder and faster to any chemical, environmental shift, any positive or negative event, As we all do on the spectrum, we attempt to navigate our sensory environment. And we come up with coping mechanisms, good or bad, before or after we realise we are on the spectrum. For me this was a strong aversion to the things that upset me, that disturbed my senses. It was an orienting of myself in a way to avoid the disturbances, going inwards, withdrawing and even shutting down. I learned that I could not and did not want to handle crowds, loud places, supermarkets. I lived in a giant simulation attempting to minimise and avoid as much as possible the things that hurt. I learned that I was extremely sensitive, no one else seemed to be, and I just had to manage it. Since discovering autism in the last weeks, I am able to embrace the fact that sensory overload is a thing, and I really do feel pain in my body when things are too much and too loud, and just wearing earplugs has mitigated so much of this. I was gas lighting myself before about feeling a certain way because there was no explanation, that I was aware of anyway.

Physical:

I have had so many problems over the years, since I was a young girl. I used to get food poisoning symptoms really easily. I had hidden allergies. I remember a lot of my childhood spent doubled up with stomach pains, or having a fever. My family didn’t know any better and fed me and treated me as they did every other member. I was not the same, I did not feel the same, but I took it all in. By the time I was in my early teen years, I had cemented my aversion to certain foods, taken the only control I had at the time against an encroaching and controlling mother and turned it into anorexia. I avoided things I didn’t like, again, and set up a system of control that made more sense than the gaping wounds and confusion within me. Starvation triggered bulimia. And a viscous cycle of malnourishment and dysregulation unfolded. I didn’t learn until many, many years later that my system was so sensitive and damaged that if I tried to go back to how I used to eat as a child, I would get terrible symptoms. So my coping tips as I have healed from the eating disorders and become more aware is to figure out what the triggers are, what hurts, and to avoid it. This along with adding in nutrient dense foods and working on the deficiencies has done wonders for me. I’ve done tremendous work on my autoimmune conditions, gut problems, sensitivities and inflammation levels and the difference is like night and day. That I can induce psychotic symptoms by deviating or introducing foods I am intolerant to is no joke. The tip I can share is elimination diets truly do work, the keto diet is recommended, and eating the carnivorous way saved my life. My eating disorders for almost 15 years INCLUDING the 7.5 years I was a vegan, mostly high raw and fruitarian depleted my nutrients so badly that every symptom was enhanced 100% and I was eating pretty much ONLY food I was actually intolerant to. Ahem, plants, I’m talking to you. The peace I feel, the nourishment and rest on a nervous system level having eliminated them is unreal.

Social:

I have always known I was different, in a deep, visceral way. How the adults in my life answered questions was inadequate. I saw through people and things. I was far too intense and serious. I learned to watch and observe humans and pick up cues so as to attempt to fit in. I spent the majority of my life masking, something I am only now finding out about and unraveling. I kept notes on the human experience, and saved colours, sounds, feelings, because I felt like I couldn’t communicate the truth of myself otherwise. Over the course of my life there have been inexplicable (until now) events. Lost friendships and relationships, strings of broken promises, people not acting on what they say, confusions and miscommunications, and many dangerous situations and predatory bonds. I made what sense I could of it from whatever lens I could find. It was the trauma, it was my soul contract, it was what I deserved, it was being targeted- all close, but not quite within the realm of being so naive, open and fundamentally different as you are on the spectrum. I just always assumed everybody was like me. I had to learn the very extremely hard way that not everyone felt and thought in the same way, nor had good intentions. I still struggle with the fact that humans don’t tell the truth. It is of no relevance whether they secretly know it. Most people are more comfortable with illusions. I always knew this, but the diagnosis gives me a lot more peace around it. It’s allowing me to accept the fact that if I look around the majority of the people I see are not walking around processing and over-analysing everything, feeling sounds, decoding patterns and obsessed with hacking the code of reality. Less pressure that way, and more in the way of what can be viewed as natural interaction on my part. I will solve the mystery of the universe out loud otherwise, and get the blank looks and the discomfort. I have found my people, a tribe of likeminded individuals, I have gathered friends over the years that didn’t run from my weirdness. But I am mostly content to be on my own, knowing that I can only use what is around me to try to convey how I feel and who I really am. And that will probably be a book, a movie or a work of art, much better than a 2pm rendezvous when I can’t stop talking about the hidden signs.

Emotional:

With the intensity of my emotions I have developed borderline personality disorder as a means to cope with being autistic and not knowing. I have been diagnosed with both that and bipolar because I have intense stints of emotions. They come and go in waves, lasting hours, lasting days and weeks. I consider it to be an energy management system to cope with the demands and stressors of modern day living. Creatives always withdraw and hibernate, and come out with new insights and art to share. The way that I feel and view the world is special. It’s at the basis of my writing, what I choose to engage with and how. My emotions make me who I am. I feel intensely, I share passionately about how I feel. I snap, I break, I shutdown, I come out again and I am a bright, shooting star. There is an excited little animal that lives within me and it is the strongest most passionate thing known to man. I thought that my negative experiences or trauma killed it, but this is before I knew it IS me and cannot die. So I have stopped trying to cram these emotions in or explain them. Stopped trying to attribute them to whatever script people were following when they dealt with me. Throwing me into the depressive, anxious, panic stricken, eating disordered basket case category. The missing piece now makes so much sense. The ways I responded to being autistic were coping mechanisms, such as developing a personality disorder, to deal with the pressure. My psyche splintered under the weight. My tip here is in embracing your inner life and world, embracing that you are different, so that all of the mental and emotional acrobatics needed to attempt to explain the issues or fit in can be put to rest.

Spiritual:

Being different and feeling differently means I naturally saw and expressed things in quite a strange way. I was convinced of a secret world to reality, behind reality, living on behind a paper shell, so to speak, that would rip if only I could reach out and tear it aside. That conviction was rewarded as year after year my awareness grew, my gifts multiplied, and the experiences I had revealed to me the hidden hand of god. There was very much design to the universe, a pattern, weaving through all things. And i was a part of it, not some discarded afterthought or simple byproduct that had no place. In the early years, I kept my convictions to myself, nursed them with experience. I died a thousand deaths in dark nights of the soul, crashing against the turf of my ignorance. I broke open, and everything I had been so sure of as a child was revealed to me again and again. I was convinced I had a purpose, I could feel the deep tides of human emotion and motion, could feel into the genetic sequence that had birthed me. I felt like an alien, but that slowly over time the map of my operation was being revealed to me. This is what it feels like so many years later to stand here and find out about being autistic and realise that how I felt in my soul all these years was real, and that I can begin to truly fulfill this mission now, to share my experience in words I know others will understand because they feel the same way too. It was the challenges that I never understood, while the gifts were the reason to stay alive. My message to myself and others now is that there is a point, a reason to persevere and understand yourself more. The suffering reveals so much of the true state of things, so that we can protect our tender hearts and build new things that honour who we really are, our souls.

Resources, movies, literature to follow. I just wanted to share something of a summary now of my realisations since coming home to myself.

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sevendeadlyvices · 3 years

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Poker Buddies AU: Max and Memories Notes

Something I compiled for @i-cant-thinkof-anything-new Poker Buddies AU they have going. Now I used the Poker Night wiki to get this and I thought this would be helpful for any Sam and Max or Poker Night at the Inventory Fans in general. That and I have my own Poker Night At The Inventory AU and headcannons that I need to work on too. The first information is generally Max’s poker strategy in Poker Night At The Inventory:

When it comes to reading the opponent's strategies, Max's will prove to be a big problem. Due to his lack of knowledge on the subject, his poker strategy seems non-existent. His choice of whether to call, raise, or fold tends to come out of nowhere. Sometimes, Max will or will not have a good hand, so he will be very hard to read. His strategies are completely random; he might bluff, be cautious, or be aggressive. Sometimes he will just keep on betting or keep on folding.

I would call Max an unpredictable poker player at times. There’s this tell he has that if his left hand quivers, he’s bluffing, but other than that, you’re on your own with him.

Next is his relationships with the characters of both Poker Nights:

Heavy: Max seems to have a good strong friendship with the Heavy, asking him about how his career is going and what kind of weapon he could recommend.

Strong Bad: Mostly casual, having the odd talk with Strong Bad when Max is compelled to tell some sort of story.

Tycho: His relationship with Tycho seems to be, again, a casual friendship. They share many of the same interests, although from time to time Max will be slightly put off by Tycho's odd behavior.

The Player: Max often thinks The Player plays too conservatively, especially when not calling a huge bet of Max's.

Sam: Max very much loves the big guy. Max is Sam's long-time partner, best friend, husband, and sidekick.

Brock Samson: Brock finds Max annoying like Claptrap, but also finds it much easier to ignore him, even when Max is physically attacking him. He also has some level of respect for the lagomorph for everything he and Sam overcame as members of the Freelance Police.

Claptrap: Much like Sam, Claptrap is a fan of Max for their games and comics. He seems closer to Max than Sam due to the fact that Max isn't as annoyed by him as Sam is. Max's love for violence makes the robot think he would fit in very well on Pandora. If Claptrap is knocked out before Sam, he will often sit next to Max for a while. Also, during a Showdown, Max will stand right next to Claptrap, wondering what the next card will be.

Ash Williams: Ash has considerable respect for Max and Sam's career and is otherwise "okay" with the lagomorph. However, Ash also displays a few moments of apprehension and even downright concern when Max' insanity acts up, usually in his theme eliminations.

GLaDOS: Max doesn't seem to mind the murderous AI as much as the other characters and occasionally joins in when she insults or annoys the other characters (primarily Sam).

This is from the wiki, so take this with a grain of salt.

And finally, with spoilers in the cut:

The Memories I would focus on for the Epic Texas Hold Em Matches! Note that it’s not all the conversations from both games, but here’s the ones I found so far that might be interesting to incorporate for the AU. I’ll bold the ones that would seem more angsty for the AU:

Max: I don't know a lot about card games, truth be told. But, I take it you're a little bit of a beginner, yes? Strong Bad: Are you talking to (pronounces it as moy) moi? Max: You betcha. You're as green as the bologna in Sam's mini-fridge. Strong Bad: (angrily) Shut up, Stitch. Max: (cheerily) It's OK. It just means you have to adopt a wanton strategy of wild deception. Strong Bad: Hmm... Not the woist idea I ever hoid. Max: (furrows brow) Get into their heads.

Max: You know what I love? Tycho: What's that? Max: Destroying wave after wave of the undead. Tycho: WORD UP! How do you roll? Max: With my trusty side arm of course. Tycho: I'm more of an auto-shotgun guy. Max: Oooh! Heavy: This is good weapon no? Max: Sam and I had to resign ourselves to pistols when our cleaning bill started going through the roof. Tycho: Yeah, its like ichor? Oxyclean ain't cuttin' it. Max: This pelt is dry clean only.

Tycho: Max, how'd you learn to play cards? Max: Funny you should ask! This one time, Sam and I were busting up a crime syndicate down in Atlantic City. A road job. Tycho: Indeed. Max: Yeah! So we're tailing this low level mafia bum for an hour and he pulls up outside a casino and before he can go in Sam says, "Well little buddy, we better nab this guy quicker than a Pittsburgh driver taking a left on a green in rush hour." I couldn't have agreed more. So I grab a tire iron out of the back seat, right, hop out of the Desoto, and pummel this guy like a piñata. Tycho: Yow! Max: Blindfold and all! Tycho: ...That doesn't really answer my question. Max: You asked me a question?

Tycho: Hey Max, how do you like being a freelance police officer? Max: It's the best. Tycho: I bet it is. Max: Oh, but that's not all I do. I'm also available for babysitting, bat mitzvahs and general shakedowns. You know anybody who needs work? Tycho: See, this why I think we get along. You're a Renaissance man. Max: You need anybody roughed up? Tycho: There's a bird at the pet store that's been giving me a little beak, yeah. Max: Oh ho, putting a wise acre in his place is my specialty!

Heavy: I will make hat from you, little bunny. Max: How 'bout I just sit on your head and shoot people? Heavy: (thinks about this) ...This is good idea.

Heavy: Tiny Heavy, who is your favorite to kill in war? Strong Bad: Hmm, in WAR? Probably those Green Helmets. You know, the guys who don't have any cool weapons or gimmicks, and come in a discount three-pack. Heavy: To kill spy is glorious thing! How about you, Max? You are killing type. Max: My favorite enemy? {gasps} That's like asking me to choose between my children! Heavy: {laughs heartily} You crack me up, little bunny!

Heavy: You look very familiar, bunny. Max: How closely do you follow the Manhattan crime blotter? Wait, you didn't go the Spiro Agnew School of the Arts, did you? Tycho: You attended? Didn't take you for the book learnin' type. Max: No, but Sam and I pinched their gym teacher in a black market jock strap ring in the 80's. I'd be surprised if any student didn't remember a dog choking out a large man with a unibrow.

Strong Bad: I don't trust you one bit, ra-bbit. Max: It's ok, I don't trust myself. Strong Bad: How do we know that you don't have a never ending stack of aces wherever you put your gun? Max: Well, you don't, but you're welcome to look!

Strong Bad: So... Max. You're like one of those (pronounces as poke mons) poke-mons, right? Max: (narrows eyes) My genus and phylum is a mystery to all mankind. Strong Bad: Because I'd love to see some prepubescent pointy-haired kid run in here and stick you inside of a baseball (laughs). (in a high pitched voice, with a smile) That would be hilarious. Max: Are you talking about the red-capped kidnapper who terrorized the fauna on the Upper West Side for months? Strong Bad: Maybe. Max: Because Sam, Flint, and I caught him trying to stuff a chimpanzee into his knapsack, and made him cry for his mommy.

Strong Bad: I wonder if this dump is haunted? Max: (cheerily) Ooh, I hope so. There's something about being able to terrorize a spectral being without it up and dying on you that (furrows eyebrows) I just love. Heavy: (sadly, lowers his head) I do not like ghost. Max: It's OK Mr. Weapons. I've got extensive experience with zombies and vampires. (points toward himself) I can handle a little ghost. Heavy: (with large eyes) You will take care of ghost for me? Max: (cheerily) You betcha. Heavy: (cheerily, nods his head) I like you, tiny rabbit.

(Brock) GLaDOS: Brock Samson is eliminated. Max: GERONIMO! (lands on Brock's head and starts to gnaw on it, to no effect) Die, die, die! Brock: (gets up) I'll be at the bar.

(Claptrap) GLaDOS: Claptrap is eliminated due to lack of funds. Max: Wet willy, wet willy! (sticks a finger in his mouth and inserts it into a hole in Claptrap's side) Claptrap: Hey! That's not my ear, it's my... (both are electrified and fall from chair)

(Ash) GLaDOS: Ashley Williams is eliminated. Ash gets up and reaches for his chainsaw, only to realize it's not there. Max is holding it, standing a foot or so behind him. Max: (grinning maliciously) Looking for something? (looks at Sam normally) Hey, check it out, Sam! I'm a tree surgeon! Sam: (whispering to Ash) He's not really a tree surgeon...! Ash looks worried. Max: (revs up chainsaw) Open wide and say "ah!" (chases Ash away)

#Sam and Max #Sam and Max AU #Poker Buddies AU #Poker Night At The Inventory #Poker Night 2 #Max #tycho brahe #strong bad #Heavy #Ash Williams #Brock Samson #Claptrap #just wanted to share some interesting things that would make your AU better #now I'm obsessed #but Jessica you have your own Poker AU to worry about #but I like this one a lot #I hope this is okay

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dragqueenpentheus · 3 years

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Okay no one has to read this but i DO have to write it:

PYROC VS FATHER PAUL

Ya bitch needs an art break bc im getting angry about voices existing as i try to keep myself entertained. Today is NOT a god one for sinking into repetitive line work and that’s just about all i have on the table atm

SO! Im gunna do a little thinking about my little meow meows all fucked up by religion. Just a comparison for my sanity and interests. Pyroc is my baby i wrote him for the first time years ago. Five?????????? Whadda hell. Going on six.

ANYWAY john joined religion because of his trauma. His sister died and he felt lost. He was unmoored in this fishing village and looking for reason looking for hope. Hed had his heart broken and trying to make sense of tragedy on his own was totally beyond him. Thats why his interactions with riley in AA are SO good like. He knows that confusion and he knows the rhetoric that’s supposed to combat it. Only it dooesnt work for riley.

The same sort of thing happens for pyrc, only inverted. Loss urns him away from god and religion because its SO strong in his family and not only is he loosing trust in god, but his kin as well. He’s suspicious there’s mre they arent telling him, at the point of his fathers death. And he agrees to, on the surface, absolutely wholly throw himself in to being the second the family and the village need. But he’s keeping his treachery under wraps.

That’s one of the coolest things about father paul imo is like. That slow unraveling of what is. Frankly. An awful half assed plan, driven by fear and loneliness and desperation and dementia and love. Even VERY obvious things like. Taking down the newspaper photo of his young self ‘slip’ by him. I think, on some level, its DEEPLY intentional. He wants people to CHOOSE this. He wants people like bev. He wants people who see him and are in aw of him beating god. Of killing death. He wants to be worshiped and adored and for people to come to him willingly, no tragedy driving them to his arms.

Pyroc also wnats to be worshipped, but he ALSO wants to do the worshipping. He really longs for an element of almost????? But not quite??? Subjection?? He wants to be shown something and for a Great Voice to tell him, unquestioningly and unerringly that it is GOOD. Full stop. And then he wants to spend his life worshipping it. But this booko is an exploration of how….. no such thing exists. And more importantly no great voice exists either. There is nothing wholly good, nothing wholy evil. His lack of faith in himself once he becomes god is him starting to understand that as well. Thats on purpose baked into the lore. The starting point was ‘what if god was a position and in order to get promoted you had to be a murderer. No matter what’. He understands things are not wholly good, at that point. I onder how long it will be for him to realize they are not fully evil as well?

Bc pruitt does hm hm hm an interesting move. Where he takes something the narritve is very sure to communicate is EVIL no wiggle room just fact. Even if its driven by animal instinct its. Evil. And he makes it, not just good, but HOLY. And god i LOVEEEE that for him i ADOREEE that what a MOVE. Driven by desperation and dementia and relief and ‘if god saved me than maybe i can be good despite loving and sinning and maybe if i defeat god then i will be Thee Good’. SO sexy of him. Im really fascinated by his morality. He seems to have an understanding of the shades of grey in some respects??? But if he had a BETTER one with more forgiveness in his heart i feel like hed have left the church anyway after sarah was born??? Even if millie didnt ask him??? That might just be my own sensibilities creeping in but ….. like he culd have seen her on the weekends. He can do other jobs. Hes straight (??? Not totally convinced of this) he could have just dated her that makes me crazy. LIKE OBV HE HAD LINES HE THOUGHT THAT WOULD CROSS AND HE HAD INTERNALIZED THE CHURCH AND THE RULES AND SHE WAS MARRIED AND ECT ECT i know he couldnt have really but. Thye were straight. They coulda.

Im not gunna do fantasy homophobia bc i think its …………….. Boring. But i think some element of??? The vindlegaurd line MUST be passed along and for that particular rules must be applied. But thats also boring as hell :/ maybe i can work in my parthenogenesis lore?????????? I bet pyroc would love building that spell in any universe. That’s the sequal when he goes to magic university in helsin. But yeah i do like the concept that. Anyone can have a baby thru magic its just a time and energy commitment. Just a matter of wanting it enough together. Every baby is so deeply wanted and its mere existence is proof. Thats dope i love that. HMMM to be decided at a later date when im deeper into the story i think. I still havent figured out fully how and where and why orion is going to be invovled and if???? Pyroc and orion are even going to be romantic??????? Im torn im TORn…….

Thikns about john bonding w sarah over science and learning and starts wEEPING…. Like theres some surity beloved. Its just a matter of uncovering. I think sarah felt that same thirst for answers and hunted them differently. Her faith is in logic and science. I loveeee her god. Every scene w her and her dad absolutely RUIN me like!!!!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW LOVED SHE IS!!!!!! I hope at hte very end she saw the blood as the gesture of love it SO clearly was and not him trying to poison her. God i love that she spat it out. GOD. Thats about being gay, btw. Spits the religious offering that could save you across the gasoline soaked church floor like BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we as a collective should talk about the possibiites around sarah/erin more. Bc their defiance combined would be. Earth SHATTERING for crockett.

In the future pyroc gets a kid. Ever since that campaign where Enemy ended up playing his daughter im like. How did i NOT know this idiot wanted nothing more in the entire world than to travel it with his daughter. I dont care how or why hes getting a kid. Hed be so doting and awful abut it. He would need orion as a co-parent for the kids self esteem to be normal levels. thINKS ABOUT PAUL GETTING TO RAISE SARAH AND JUST ABSOLUTELY GASSING HER UPPPPPPPP HANGING EVERY DOODLE SHE EVER MADE ON TEH FRIDGE. BOASTING ABOUT HER SCEINECE PROJECT OT ANYONE WITHIN EYESIGHT EVEN THOUGH ‘WE K N O W JOHNWE WERE ALL AT THE SCEINCE FAIR’!!!!!!!!!!! Let these fuck ups be doting fathers im fucking begging. That scene where paul is like. You take ccare of everyone on the island sarah. Its more than being a doctor. You comfort them.

HM HM comfort is such a thing for Miss Bitch like!! He sees it as a Good Thing. He tries to bring it for riley by asking to hold the AA meetings on island ((also manipulation. Obvously also manipulation. I wouldnt have bene shocked if he was slipping the vampire blood into the coffee every meeting either. But thats just a theory. A game theory.)) ANYWAY he sees comfort as hly. The church gave it to him when he needed it. The angel gave it to him in the cave. Feeling safe and warm is HIGH on his list of priorities and what makes him hand over respect.

I think pyroc has lived a very comfortable life in SO many ways, but in none he. Activly recognizes. A key part of his character arc his him…. Opening his eyes to the world around them. Seeing the privilege he has and being like. Wait. This isnt Right. We have to change thi. And when no one agrees ti shifts to I have to change this. With Violence. A little revolutionary <3 it only costs the life of his whole ass family

Thats more fun comparison ground like…… paul is SO much about I know whats right and there is a cost but i AM ignoring it. Like HE KNOOOOWSSSS he knooooows he just doesnt want o See. I’m not sure if im going to surprise yroc with the ……megadeath of. His whole family. Or if it’s a choice he has to activly make. I think a choice makes it more compelling, more layerd. It has to be in the moment though, becaus ei think thats. A key difference between them. Pyroc wouldnt do it.. hed just leave hed peace out and do what he could in small ways. But he wouldnt do his big stand off with god. Hed shrink his goals in order to not hurt his family. Out of love?? Intimidation?? Some instinct wihtin him that balks at the idea of disobedience??? I think even he doesnt know. But i LOVE john becaue he jsut decides to lie. He closes his eyes and says i am being stupid on purpose. I think thats PERHAPS more compelling than good guy coward pyroc BUT!!!!! Thats who he is rip to ths little man. Cant change him now hes a whole ass child in my head. The PLOT i can change. Him….. not without massive character development <3

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MM set my brain on FIRE!!!! Im so glad nano is coming up. I love sharpening pyroc against the comparison of other AMAZING characters. Father paul hill my beloved millstone <3 anyway sorry to anyone who reads this its literally me unhinging my jaw and emptying my brain out. I had to write stuff that wasn’t novel or fic. A little character time down and dirty. I wil NOT be editing this love and light to future me trying to decode this

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #pyroc #midnight mass

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jungle321jungle · 4 years

Text

Things I won’t write but wanna read: Sword Art Online Abridged AU

Characters (with a shit ton of quotes for my procrastination justification):

Virgil is Kirito

The loner who isn’t really a loner

“Some of my best friends have been NPCs!”

“I hate them for lots of reasons, but mostly because they’re a bunch a mouth breathing neckbeards who think lmao is how french people laugh”

The Virgil is always right foundation

“Oh, I'll tell you what we do. We play his game... and we win.”

Kirito wrote the guide and it has some prime things he would write

"Send the weaker players first. Good rule of thumb: If a player asks you for gold 2 seconds after meeting you, front lines... If they hijack conversations to rant about their political views, front lines... If they ask female players for pics of their boobs, front lines."

“In another life... in another time... I think we could have been friends.”

Whoever is Diabel: “I... doubt it.”

“Well, fuck you too!”

Janus is Asuna

Imagine Janus living in a game for two months without knowing how to even open a menu to eat

“If you say open your menu, I’m gonna stab your eye out.”

“At least I pretend to care about people!”

“Really? I figured some random perp would be no match for the world's greatest detective. Oh wait no, that's Batman! And you're not Batman, are you? You will never be Batman.”

This also means that Janus is a commander

And yet he pretends to be weak and makes virgil to the work cuz he cant threaten his position

Janus tries to melt Heathcliff with his mind

Remus is Klein

“F**k you, man! That's, like, the pig from hell!”

“Wait. There's something scrolling across mine. "Hahahahaha hahahahaHAha hahaHAhaha hahahaha haha ha ha..."

“Oh, what? Did all of your friends die again?”

BallsDeep69

“I'm gonna clap for you with my teeth, buddy!”

He gets his own guild

Remus would love a guild

Logan is Yui

“May I read it when you are done? I'm curious about the geopolitical situation in Collinia.”

“That is not at all what irony is. I believe the turn of events you described would be best classified as "completely expected".”

Yulier person stand in: “Wha... What are you talking about?

“Irony, noun: A state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result. Example: Your leader is named "Thinker", yet he appears to be something of a dullard.”

not to mention when yui reveals herself

Logan: “As you have probably guessed by now, I am not a normal player. I am, in fact, a highly advanced Artificial Intelligence designed to psychologically evaluate and care for the players of Sword Art Online. Designation: Yui.”

Janus: “Oh my god. You're a Psychiatrist AI? Well, I can certainly think of a few people who could've used your help.”

“Indeed. That is why I was so distraught when, on the day of the game's launch, Kayaba Akihiko locked me away and forbade me to interact with the players. For years, all I could do was sit and watch.”

Virgil: “Oh god! He made you watch?!”

“Day after day, constantly bombarded by the pain and anger of all the people I could not help, I gradually fell into despair. But then... all of that changed when I found you two...”

Janus and Virgil: “Awwwww.”

“...the most broken, sociopathic players I had ever laid eyes on. Less people than a... loose collection of character defects.”

Virgil: “That kinda... went in a different direction than I was expecting.”

“But somehow, together... you were happy. Everything I knew about human relationships told me that one would eventually kill the other. And yet, no matter how often you fought, your bond only seemed to grow stronger. I decided that my information must be flawed in some way, and that I needed to amend it firsthand.”

Janus: “You... You mean...?”

“I wanted to know what love is. I wanted you to show me....... “I am sorry I lied to you. I inserted myself into your lives merely to satisfy my own curiosity. At least... at first. It was... nice to be a part of your family. I... I wish I really was your son!”

Roman is Liz

first off im laughing at the idea of him being as thirsty as liz

“Wait! Don't go! I need details, man! I live vicariously through you! Your sex live is my sex life!“

“As I awoke from my slumber, I found the stranger with the guarded heart, digging through the snow with solemn determination. His muscles glistening in the morning light. Deep within me stirred feelings I had not felt in many moons. It was at that moment that I learned... the Temperature of the Heart- What am I doing?! Stop it! STOP IT!”

Roman saying gnarliest

“Whoa, an Elucidator! This is the gnarliest sword you can get from a monster drop!”

And the prime friendship with whoever the fuck tiffany is

the fear of janus later

Patton is Silica

“I DON'T WANNA WEAR MY PET, YOU MONSTER!“

Silica ate crayons as a kid

Virigil: “God, do I ever! I can never un-know! These brain cells could've been used to formulate the perfect strategy to get us out of this game! Instead, they've memorized what kind of crayons you liked to eat when you were 4!”

Patton: “I liked the purple ones.” “Yeah, I know! "And the blue ones were too tart!"

Virgil: “Just stay calm! You already have everything you need to beat it!”

Patton: “The power to believe in myself?”

“Nooooo, a knife! Stab it!”

"Oh, right!”

Also this prime time interaction

Patton: “Well, you did just kill someone. Doesn't that make you feel... something?”

Virigil” Oh, feelings? Yeah, I don't have those anymore. Went cold turkey.”

“What?! You can't just do that! What's the point in living if you can't feel happiness, wonder, love...?”

“Or the sweet taste of revenge! You're right, Silica! What's the point in living if I can't enjoy such simple things?”

“Eh, close enough.”

“You're a good friend, Silica. We should go on more adventures.”

“Um, I don't think so. Don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Kirito. I'm grateful for your help, but yoooou're, like, the worst person I've ever met.”

“Is that your big plan here, huh? Make me feel feelings so you can cut me down a peg? That cuts deep, kid. But I respect that.”

Yeah... that's kinda the problem.”

Remy is Heathcliff

“As you can see, I have peeled away your petty facades and revealed you for what you truly are... fairly attractive twenty-somethings, apparently. Good for you. Kinda undermines the whole "cold light of day" thing I had planned, but still. Way to break down stereotypes. 'Cept you, fatty. Way to bring down the curve.“

“Next thing you know, your tutorial NPC is nowhere to be found and players are dropping like Dorito-encrusted flies. Now in this case, any sane man would simply turn off the servers before anyone else got hurt, but because you've now been awake long enough to think the government is run by "Floobar, King of the Mole Men", the best idea that comes to your mind is to double, triple, and quadruple down. So, you lock everyone in the game, tell them they'll die if they don't finish it, and try to make it look like this is all part of your "master plan" instead of an ever-spiralling series of events that you have long since lost control of.”

“Hey, cut me some slack, okay? Can you two even begin to imagine 500 uninterrupted hours of consciousness? Forget mole people! About halfway through I swore I saw the face of God! Until I realized it was just the night janitor, Reki. On the plus side, I gave him a hell of an ego boost. Hmm, man was riding that compliment for days.”

“Yeah, okay. See, Janus, the problem with that... is that it's an excellent idea that I wish I had thought of two years ago.”

Sachi ??????

Others ???????

#this is long but oh well #virgil sanders #Janus Sanders #remus sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #sao abridged #something witty entertainment #sanders sides fic #bullet point fic #other writing things

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xxwritemeastoryxx · 4 years

Text

My Little Girl

Author: xxwritemeastoryxx

Pairings: Klaus Mikaelson & Hope Mikaelson, Hope Mikaelson x Landon Kirby

Word Count: 1K

Warnings: A lot of father daughter moments between Hope and Klaus. This is just cuteness.

Author’s Note: Again, my brain cant hear a song without needing to write a fic influenced by it. This is influenced heavily by Camila Cabello’s First Man. I hope you guys enjoy this one. This is a bit of a fix it fic because I cannot see Hope going through this without her parents. My sweet precious girl didn’t deserve any of it. (Can you tell I’m still upset by how things went in TO?) Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this one!

Feedback gives me life and motivation for future things. ♥

Hope took a deep breath as she faced the closed doors in front of her. The material that clung to her body was making it difficult to breathe despite being the one to pick it out herself. She was positive it was just the overly active butterflies that were flying around in her stomach.

The nerves were what was making everything she worried about come to life. Her palms were sweaty and it made it almost difficult to hold the beautifully wrapped flowers in her hand. Her heart was picking up in pace the longer she stood there. This was it. After everything she had faced in her life, this was going to be the beginning of her happy ending.

"You know you could always back out of this." Klaus said with a playful smirk as he took a hold of Hope's free hand and placed it onto the crook of his arm.

Hope laughed and shook her head. "I doubt that is going to happen, dad. I won't be changing my mind about this." A grin pulled at her lips at the thought of it. Her laughter had eased the nerves.

"A father can only hope." He said returning the smile.

Klaus had been dreading this day. But at the same time he was looking forward to it as well. It was a bitter sweet moment and there would never be any words that he could ever put together to describe the feelings he felt in that moment.

It was the thoughts that followed the feelings that made it hard for him to stand there next to her as he was. The memories over the past several years had gone in a blink of an eye. He could remember the start as if it was yesterday.

Seeing his little girl being born in the most unfortunate circumstances didn't change the fact that the first time he laid eyes on her, he vowed to protect her until his last breath. To have to hand her off to his sister for protection had killed him. But there hadn't been a day that he didn't think about her.

The years that followed he did everything he could to return her home. Even the years after he had done all that he could to ensure she would always be protected. And once they were free from the Hollow, he made sure that no matter where it was that Hope decided to go to school, he would be there to make sure she'd be okay.

He just never expected that one day she'd come home during the summer to say she had a boyfriend. Overprotective fatherly instincts automatically kicked in and Klaus wasn't happy about it. He demanded to know everything about the boy that was attempting to take his daughter away.

Hayley had to reign in Klaus several times during Hope's visit. The idle threats he made were thrown out the moment Hayley gave Klaus a look that told him a million things. Things like 'if you keep this up, you'll push her away even more' or 'she's now old enough to date, there will be no killing the boyfriend'.

The first time Klaus met Landon, he couldn't help himself. While Hope was upstairs getting ready for her date, Klaus and Landon had been sitting down in the courtyard waiting. As Klaus could tell how nervous he had been about being the hybrid.

A smirk had pulled at Klaus's lips as Landon's foot kept tapping and his knuckles were white against the glass of water he had been holding. "I'm sure I don't need to remind you what will happen if anything were to happen to my daughter."

The gulp that came from Landon had been loud enough for anyone in the room to hear it. "I would never hurt her." Landon's voice was a bit shaky, but he had been able to get it out without stumbling over his words.

"Your threats are kind of useless, dad." Hope said as she came down the stairs. "He's a Phoenix, remember." Landon stood up from his seat quickly. There was a look of relief when he had saw her.

"That doesn't mean I can't have my fun if you come home with a broken heart at any point." Klaus noted as he stood up as well.

As Hope joined them, she tucked her arm into Landon's. "Ignore him. He knows I can handle myself."

Landon chuckled. "That, I know is true."

"At least we agree on something." Klaus said with a small smile pulling at his lips.

The sound of the music could be heard just passed the doors. Air filled Hope's lungs and she hadn't seemed to let it go just yet. There was excited spark that flew through her. She was ready for this.

"Breathe, Hope." Klaus said with a smile pulling at his lips. Hope laughed, letting the air go. "Even after the day is over, you know you'll still be my little girl."

Hope grinned up at him. "I have no doubt about that."

It was her words that made him look up at the ceiling for a moment before looking back at her to keep the tears at bay. Hope and Landon had come such a long day from that first night Klaus had been introduced to him.

They had become a package deal soon after. No matter how many times Klaus went to go pick up Hope, Landon was there with her. Compared to Roman, Klaus was glad Hope had found someone that had made her happy. The smile that was always present with him around was enough proof that he was going to take care of his daughter.

It was a few years after they had left The Salvatore Boarding school that the two got engaged. Klaus couldn't wrap his head around it. In his eyes, Hope was still that child that healed butterflies and did art projects with him. And she was still the teenager that went against everything to save her mother and make sure that her family would always be together.

Now as he looked at her, in the most beautiful dress he had ever seen his daughter in, he wondered where the time had went. While he had lived for centuries and he knew time could pass in the blink of an eye, he hoped it would slow down for his daughter.

As the doors opened before them, Klaus never took his eyes off of Hope as they began walking. He watched as the brightest grin grew on her lips as she had taken the first sight of Landon since the door had opened. He could hear the way her heart had picked up in seeing the man she was going to marry.

It was that exact moment that Klaus knew that everything was how it should be. If he had done the things he wanted to, he would have missed out on this moment. He would have missed out on the happiness that his daughter had found.

It wasn't hard to see that with Landon in her life, things had changed for the better. While there were challenges along the way, they had been able to get through it together. Even after they graduated and believed that things would change, they stayed by each other's side as best as they could. It made their love grow all the more.

Klaus saw the moment that Hope looked over at him. He was sure that she could see the tears that had began to form. They weren't tears of sadness, but tears of happiness for his daughter. Her hand tightened on his arm as they reached the end of the aisle. Silent words of love and appreciation for the man that had been willing to sacrifice everything for his daughter.

Landon took a step towards them and Klaus placed Hope's hand in his. His hand tightened over both of them for a moment. A smile pulled at all of their lips for a moment before Klaus let go and went to sit beside Hayley.

"I'm surprised you let her go." Hayley jokingly whispered, a smile on her lips.

A small smile formed as he took Hayley's hand and squeezed it. "Oh I had every intention of holding on but I could feel Rebekah's daggers at my back." He whispered back as his attention turned back towards the couple in front of him.

Hayley shook her head and squeezed his hand in return. “Our little girl is all grown up now.” Klaus didn’t miss the way Hayley’s voice had broke even if it had been a whisper.

“That’s where you are wrong.” He said after a moment of watching the ceremony. “No matter how much she’s grown, she will always be our little girl.”

Always & Forever Tag:

@taylordrunkonwhiskey @thewolf-and-thesheep @wayward-dan @neeadinghugs @fafulous @kenmen02 @elizamonet @dora-the-grownup @mschellehitt @xanderling @fandom-princess-forevermore @buckysarm4 @hi-my-name-is-riley @helenasingers @alka16555 @yaniiie

Hybrid Tag:

@xxsovereignsarayaxx

The Originals Tag:

@zillahvathek @obsessedwithvampires @alien-sida

If you would like to be added to, or taken off, of the taglists, please let me know. ♥

#The Originals #The Vampire Diaries #Legacies #Hope Mikaelson #klaus mikaelson #Landon Kirby #One shots #The Originals imagines #Legacies Imagines #TVD #TO #L #My Little Girl #May Madness #Its so sweet #My heart swelled while writing this #I love this song #and I loved writing this for you guys #WHO LET ME WRITE THIS?!

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brideylee · 4 years

Text

Chateau Quarantine

Sophia Coppola smokes a cigarette while she waits for an omelette she has no intention of eating. It’s a gloomy marine layered morning, you can barely see across Sunset. She’s been in lock down for three weeks and while she normally loves the moody, brooding decadence of the Chateau Marmont, its elite solitude is giving her a bit too much time to reflect. She thinks about the concept of crying as she watches a long torso-ed model skinny dip in the pool from the penthouse. There are no rules anymore, not that there were many in the first place. The hotel was shuttered to the public as of three weeks ago, and those who were already there could stay indefinitely. Sophia lives alone in the tower suite with the three bedrooms and the wrap around porch, known by some as “the Deniro”, but Robert himself couldn’t tell you why. Any legends or gossip about the Chateau were just bread crumbs to keep the public hungry and mystified. The real Chateau for the privileged few who used it, was an unceremonious respite for excessive loneliness, addiction, and often not great sex. The Chateau had a reputation: look but don’t fuck. Everyone’s genitals were rendered useless from anti-depressants.

She thought she would be filming by now. Her cast is stranded too, with little guidance other than “we’ll wait it out.” The film she wanted to make stars Hugh Grant and Ewan McGregor as two estranged brothers coming together for their father’s funeral. Iman was set to the play the mysterious woman who shows up at the funeral who they then realize was their father’s mistress. It was going to be a slow movie about the brothers coming to terms with their father’s death and equally so falling in love with the woman he hid from them. All this would be suggested through intimate long takes, and funny, stylish, improvised montages. Always subtle and romantic without the sap, this was the tight rope Sophia liked to balance on. At the end of the movie, both brothers are mildly changed, but not entirely. She has a sweet spot for the immovability of people’s psyches, particularly men.

Sophia watches impartially, as the naked model floats on her back in the calm pool. It is so cold and early to swim, is she on drugs or is everyone at this place even more numb than they think? She wondered if her film was too male, too disembodied from her personally to mean anything. Tapping into the male gaze, was an ability she was born with. Her father’s point of view was all she interacted with as a kid, and the underside of his specialties became her focus: the lost parts of men when they are too weak to hold up the heavy crown of their egos, who they were when they could let themselves feel outside of their work. But given the state of the world, and the molasses nature of time during lock down, Sophia started to question if what she always found to be her strength was just simply trauma. Was her whole profession a way to resolve some genetic creative stifling that took place in the shadow of her dad? Surely her body of work contains more than that. It’s not all a selfish attempt at repair. Is any art not selfish? "Maybe I should make a different movie, something that everyones gonna like for once.” She thinks to herself. Thank God, her goat cheese omelette has arrived.

Later on, the gothic lobby is empty besides the cast of her film and the elegant model behind the reception desk standing like a hollow sculpture, frightened by the chaos that lurks outside. Ewan McGregor, drunk off of five Marmont Mules, is showing Hugh Grant an app that maps the stars and constellations. Ewan has gone on and on about a camping trip he took around Scotland and how amazing the stars were, but when pressed for details about where exactly he was or what he saw or what year he did this, he can’t seem to remember anything at all.But that doesn’t dampen his excitement about the app. “See, that, there is Orion’s belt!” Ewan enthusiastically points out, his cute smirk displaying his bottom row of sweet corn kernel teeth. Ewan just recently learned about the stars. Until the age of 47, Ewan had been referring to them as “night freckles.” Many think this is why he didn’t have a fun time acting in Star Wars, space simply befuddled him. Hugh and Ewan are dressed exactly the same: navy blue beanie, black jeans, a tight blue thermal, and desert boots- the actor man uniform they give you after you play opposite Nicole Kidman or Renee Zellweger.

“That’s brilliant,” says Hugh Grant completely perplexed by the app and confused at Ewan’s rambling. Hugh sticks a handkerchief up his nostril with his pointer finger and wiggles it around somewhat violently. Iman clocks this with a blink of disgust, her silk, gold blouse glistens with god-like royalty in the amber glow. “Can you turn your face away? That’s how the virus is spreading.” Her voice is deep and she rarely uses it because it changes the direction of the wind and messes with the tides. “Aw, fuck me. That’s right, isn’t it?” Hugh Grant turns away and starting blowing his nose and coughing obnoxiously. Hugh is acting like a resentful brat because he knows he wont be able to have Iman. He decides he’s gonna pick a fight with Sandra Bullock via face time later to blow off steam. Iman is thinking she was right all along, she should never have agreed to this. She was already sick of the “beanie twins”.

Hugh had been rattling on about how the movie needed a sex scene or at least a sexy scene and went on to say that Sophia had some sort of block. Iman felt that both Ewan and Hugh, however innocently, were exploiting their acting roles to gain real life experience, and there was no way in hell, she was going to kiss either of them. Her kiss would make them immortal and Iman knew their souls needed more lifetimes to grow. Plus, she liked the script the way it was- underwritten and open for interpretation. Her character is symbolic of the side of their dad they didn’t get to meet- spiritual, graceful, embodied. It was a soulful choice not to show any nudity or sex, one that could lead Americans to try to use whats left of their iPhone stolen imaginations.

Meanwhile Michael Cain, who was supposed to play the dead father, is staring at the beautiful Victorian tapestry hanging behind her. “It’s like it’s right out of the Cloister’s.” Michael says under his breath. Michael is sweet, Iman thinks as she watches him stare at the tapestry with wonder, his mouth agape, and a lil warm milk spilling out of his left eye. Iman and him have known each other for years and he always reminded her of her husband: his fierce devotion to his craft, his rigorous intellectuality that does a bad job hiding an animalistic sexuality. Both men contained so much and no one can handle a man like that besides a mystical siren like Iman.

Hugh and Ewan’s chatter dies as their drinks empty. “If I were to be honest with myself…” Hugh begins. “Better later than never…” Michael Cain interrupts without cracking a smile, a dryness a la Maggie Smith. In fact, fuck, this was Maggie Smith. No one had realized. Hugh winks at Michael/ Maggie and continues. “ I don’t think were going to be filming any time soon, folks. I think we are being held hostage a bit by Miss Coppola.” Ewan stares off with a thinking face like no one has ever had a deeper thought before. “That is interesting to think about. There is some kind of bratty assumption that all this will fade away soon enough. And we’ll be back on set. But what if it’s not for another year or so?” Ewan is really getting worked up “What if we live here for the rest of our lives!!” His eyes are big and dazzling, it’s like he’s thinking of the most ideal outcome for the rest of his life.

Suddenly, Sophia joins them at the table. “There they are, my little hunchbacks!” This is what Sophia affectionately calls her actors, the origin is unknown. Sophia has a strange new confidence around her. Usually, when she walked into places, she would feel like a Nat Sherman cigarette, like only some select tall New Yorkers in the back would still appreciate her. “Hello, love! Someone slept well.” Maggie Smith as Michael Caine chirped. Even when Maggie-Michael said something sweet, it still felt like someone was aggressively tickling your ribcage.

“I have news.” Sophia sits down, and smiled large and toothy, a stark contrast to her usual chic, despondent stare, a look only afforded to artists born with trust funds. “We’re not making the movie.” Hugh taps the table. “Well, I believe I won that bet.” Ewan’s jaw drops, destroyed. “You mean we cant live here together forever?” He runs his hands through his hair, petrified. Iman is quiet, which can mean many different things and all things at once, she is eternally the glory of God, a forgotten pyramid at the bottom of the ocean that if unearthed would explode us into 5D ascension.

“We are making a better movie! A super hero movie!!” Sophia exclaims. Sophia gets up close in the faces of her cast, pitching them on her new idea. “It’ll be a real heroes journey- good guys versus evil! Fun CGI! Sexy starlets and fun on trend jokes!” She turns to Michael Maggie, her mouth inches away from their milky eye, and says- “And much much more!” Sophia climbs up on the table now. “The adults will love it, as well as the little ones!” She does an Irish jig and starts spinning around and then poses with her arms up as though at the end of a musical. It was not fun to watch. Iman cuts her off-“I don’t trust what is happening.This is not reality. This is delusion. A karmic spell.” The power of Iman’s words blows the power out of the Chateau, pipes burst, the fire alarm goes off, and Joel Madden of Good Charlotte in room 304 stops jerking off for a second. Sophia is still catching her breath from her presentation, her sweating, arms stretched to the ceiling. She gulps as her eyes meet Iman’s. “Why don’t you just write from my character’s point of view?” Iman says as softly as she can without causing chaos. Sophia freezes. Her whole body calcifies and turns to ice, then crumbles onto the table. Ewan and Hugh watch in absolute horror as Iman drops some of the ice into her water. She knows she shouldn’t have said yes to this project and looks on lovingly at Michael/ Maggie who has dozed off.

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singingforthepromises · 4 years

Text

fruits basket - eps 21, 22, & 23

ep 21:

ohhh are we getting a saki-centered episode now too?! here for it!

jfc motoko even has a yuki photo on her beside table? obsessed much?

those two definitely have ulterior motives lol.

aaaand naturally, of course.

these girls are gonna get owned so hard and i’m already excited about that. xD

saki’s room is beautiful!

megumi is so cute

and he spills facts that these girls need to hear too lmao

this kid is so awesome lol.

aww saki <3

rofl saki letting them sit with the fear is just too funny.

ep 22:

okay so this is the continuance of saki’s story, so the ep where tohru gets sick is either the next one or something. i like that it’s happening later than it did in the 01 anime. It feels more organic this way.

anyway back to saki

oh god yeah, i’d be annoyed, too. having all of those thoughts screaming at you? must be unbearable.

WOW. saki’s family is the perfect example of HOW to be. too bad so many families of the zodiac kids can’t react this same way. complete unconditional love <3

these kids are so fucking awful what the fuck

poor saki!

MEGUMI IS SUCH A GOOD BROTHER

these kids seriously tried to burn her im

saki’s parents are just... incredible. they truly love their daughter and even wanted to move to help her get a better environment.

i say this all the time, but: tohru is just too sweet. so accepting of everyone.

arisa is so great, too. i really love this trio.

asjadjajadj they’re all so cute i cant handle it.

so proud of saki <333

kyoko’s wisdom never fails to make me smile.

ep 23:

i literally have 2 eps left of this season i’m so excited. i’ve been watching since like 6am. XDDD i need a nap after these last two.

OH OH THIS IS THE EP WHERE TOHRU GETS SICK SJFJSFJSJFJ

tohru, sweetie it’s okay. it’s just one exam. I get it though, i hold myself to the same standard in school.

kyo blushing when tohru runs into his back i’m laughing this boy is so hopelessly in love with her.

“a fever?! right after I was talking about it?!” hahahaha

“i diagnose her with a cold” lol it’s adorable that he does, and he’s right, but... lots of things could cause a fever that could’ve been worse than a cold. just saying. xD fortunately, that’s not the case.

KYO TELLING HER TO GO TO BED. <3

momiji’s concern is just too cute.

kyo’s making tohru food AWWW

lmao @ him wanting to fight shigure because he just knows that shigure is internally giving him shit im dying

“why do i have to do this anyway?!” lmao kyo baby because you’re in love.

“he’s so innocent” hahahaha

“don’t get sick in the first place” “yes...” and tohru starts crying. and lmao, kyo’s immediately like ‘O SHIT. I was an asshole again UFGHHH” and just goes to his knees. I can’t with him. He’s so precious. The way he just listens to her here. this is exactly why they’re perfect for each other. He listens when she needs to vent, and doesn’t let her drown in her bad feelings.

“otherwise, it... it throws me off.” AWWWW.

“yours is... way better.” i’m dying.

OH MY GOD. the way he turns his head to peak at her behind his arm is the cutest fucking thing?

yuki is such a good friend to her ;a;

KYO’S READING RECIPES FOR RECOVERY SFJSFJS

yaaay she passed her exam

oh, wait.

oh shit.

starting right now... this is the ep before the reveal of kyo’s true form. SHIT SHIT SHIT

tohru offering to let kyo under her umbrella is so cute

also this scene is adorable, but... i’m laughing at the fact that the kids are just standing in the middle of the street at the crosswalk and the cars are just sitting there waiting for them to leave. I keep half-expecting them to honk at them.

oooooohhh this guy looking at them. kyo’s martial arts teacher, if I’m remembering right?

KYO’S SMILE IM

lol oh no kagura’s here. poor kyo.

See, I don’t mind Kagura too much, but... I really feel that her love for kyo is extremely one-sided and she’s too overbearing/forceful. she’s sweet, but she’s too much when it comes to him. she needs someone who she can show this loving side of herself to without it freaking them out. she and kyo work best as friends.

“it’s like she’s distancing herself from him for some reason” -remembers that she is here when the true form is revealed- did she already know? or is it something else? O__o

“i want to be a person who can accept whatever the truth is.” foreshadowingggg

“tohru doesn’t know yet, does she? do you plan on hiding it forever?” oh god. ;a;

lol these people are like “what the fuck”

“the normal thing would be to avoid me or distance yourself.” hi im crying

oooooh did kagura accidentally remove the beads? D:

awwwwww shisho noticing kyo! <3

I think I remember shisho helping to raise him? the 01 anime showed a flashback when kyo was younger. I don’t recall the speciics, though.

I’m definitely not ready for these next two eps. fuck.

#fruits basket #furuba #liveblogging

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mollyphoria · 4 years

Text

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these

#twenty eight #agust d #october #time #sadnees

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quackspot · 4 years

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i started thinking about that gay bastard oc of yours. platano. can u tell me about him

omg u wer thinkgin about platano..... mr banana man... mr 4011. i am obsessed with the banana code srry i just got back from work (it was good :-D)

any way. um. im going below the cut. he kidnaps people and he murders people and i hate him because he’s also a massive weeb so. hm

HISTORY OF PLATANO... yea his name is spanish for banana

his father, pablo, will probably get a name change someday but i literally never think of his father since the only thing he did in platano’s backstory was disappear

since platano’s world has characters based off like. fruits and vegetables (there aren’t really any limit to what the characters are based off of. it was in my lazy google translate name phase so we have like... a gay character named arcenciel who becomes dadlike through my powerful canon-changing touch. also arcenciel wears the colors of the rainbow as often as he can i haven’t figured out a good design for him since i’m not used to using more than 5 colors. he also owns a hat factory)

i think arcenciel and platano are friends they met when platano was like. 17 probably and arcenciel would be around uhhhhh ummmmmmm 21??? idk man but in canon he’s probably around 30 . yes i m saying “in canon” because i wrote a really dumb and horrible story back in 2018 arcenciel used to have HUGE internalized homophobia and i turned that into a running joke and i dislike that so that’s a reason why i’m not sharing the fun little story i wrote for my friends

(the best part of that story is when arcenciel threw his light-up rainbow heelies at platano, thus starting the boss fight which the main cast LOST.)

ok back to the topic at hand. platano.

i have a whole doc named platano where i just wrote drabbles about him so i’m going to summarize them

the first one was his friend, percisi (my only cishet oc he’s very short and very aggressive while also dressing in a soft-colored turtleneck since he’s based off of peaches) using a misunderstood form of satanism to summon satan. guess what percisi and platano summoned satan for. it was a manga update! wow

i won’t say the mangas name it was an inside joke

so platano was like “hey satan can i have this manga now please please” and satan went “sure just kill people for me”

that determined platanos job for the next 7 or so years <3 wonderful.

(it was basically me writing a backstory for a scene to happen in the main writing i wrote for my friends. he killed someone because someone else in the building was trying to summon satan. very confusing but okay i guess.)

i think right after that i wrote about platano meeting his boyfriend, sage, for the first time. i have horribly mixed feelings about their relationship since it’s very. Hm.

so platano kidnaps people to watch anime with him because all his friends left him and his best friend, mangue, is too busy being a dictator over the Land of the Fruits. i shit you not fruits oppressed the vegetables. i wrote that dynamic between the two because i was learning about the revolutionary war in US History. something like that at least

(the Land of the Fruits is not the official name)

on the topic of kidnapping people. guess who his favorite person was. sage. it was sage. so he tried to take sage often but they probably discussed Proper boundaries since everyone else tried to run away. hmm i am now going to write a bit right now

“Platano,” Sage started. “Why do you keep kidnapping me? It’s rude and I hate it.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” The yellow-haired fool leaned on his sword, digging the tip deeper into the ground.

“ASK ME IF I WANT TO HANG OUT??”

“I can do that?”

“You keep making my dads worried.” Sage looked around the area, fidgeting with his hands.

“Oh. Okay. Want to hang out? Watch some anime?” Platano paused for a moment, but managed to say “Maybe kiss?” before Sage got to answer.

“I- KISS??? We can watch anime together. We can go now.”

Sage ushered Platano through a portal as fast as he could.

His dads were never worried.

hmmm maybe that’s alright idk i’m a little tired so it’s probably a little out of character. sage probably isn’t that loud but i think it was trying to be the dynamic of “oh, we’re not dating” when they kiss every sunday at 5 pm by a romantic river scene

he’s a character who is, at his very core, horrible and bad. he is portrayed in a way i DESPISE but i’m too lazy to correct it. his interest in sage actually started with me going “hmm i think platano would draw sage like this” then sauce giving me fun facts about his oc, sage, yea sage is sauce’s oc <3 epic win . so sauce gave me fun facts about sage and i was like “time to doodle these in platanos ‘art style’” when in reality it’s just the mockery of people just getting into an anime art style, with the chin so pointy it could cut a cake

i might reread my old writing from 2018. i gotta agree with the judges for that year i did not write very well

it mightve actually been made in 2017 which would be FUCKIN CRAZY im gonna check rn

yea it was started in 2018. february 14th... huh . finished it completely in june of that year it was 41 pages total and it’s not even double spaced how did i write something without double spacing it

OH MY GOD BOB IS GOING TO HIJACK THIS RANT JUST FOR A LITTLE

so bob is a fluffy little anthro cloud with a grey top hat and bowtie. he is amazing. i love bob. bob is another one of sauce’s character and mangue (mentioned earlier) was made by my friend jamie

(you can always ask for their tumblrs but i’d ask them if its okay to share their tumblrs. i might just look at them and reblog their stuff cuz i like their art!!! maybe jamie posted a drawing she made recently on her blog but tbh i don’t think she would she’s more of a twitter user)

ok so im skimming thru UMG which is the story it stands for “Universe of Magic Gardens” and it was originally made for a prank on ponytown so people would go “what’s UMG” and my friends and i would be like “ur mom gay xDDDDDD” or something like that . horrible but i’m glad i’ve changed from . that.

here’s a bit i actually like AKLJFISJFIO

“What the actual FUCK, Ilkie?!” Arcenciel cringed in fear. “Put it back- it’s too ugly.” He pointed at Platano, whose arms were crossed.

why is it bolded. anyway.

i just saw a part where eau used y’all... water cowboy moments <333 i really need to make refs for all of those old characters. all of my umg-related characters have to be my oldest-living ocs.

i cant believe this is making me genuinely reread my old writing just to go “WJHFSIDAJKSFIOJ WTF????”

some of the lines on it sound like something you would hear on like. a school bus or somethin

looking at umg like “wtf how did i add so much Meat to this writing” bc most of my writing now is mostly quotations to progress the story (like the quickie i wrote earlier. i could add meat to it but im tired lol)

OK THIS IS MORE GENERAL BUT MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THIS WAS WRITING HAIKUS FOR PORTALS. after you visit a place enough times it’s kind of just an instinct to open a portal there so you don’t have to recite a haiku

uhh ok here’s another bit becuase im feeling like living la vida loca. ur biggest regret should be “can you tell me about him” by this point bc i’ve written too much to go back now

He landed on his face once he was outside of the hat. Meko quickly walked over to the guest room, opened the Portals for Dummies book, and flipped to a page. It looked devious.

“Banana, mango,

Each tasting amazingly.

A taste of evil.”

Meko did the dance on the page, it consisted of something that looks like it’s from an anime. A portal opened, the familiar scent of bananas and mangoes coming from it. With some hesitation, Meko stepped in. He quickly made it so only his head peeked in.

it wasnt bolded this time but i like it bolded. ok i understand how i added meat it was just shitty expired meat ALKFSJSHDAIUJKFEIODSJAK . it wasnt even that much meat DAMN. it just looked like more.

actually that’s all i will write. i could do more w platano but yea at his base he is a blonde twink who kills people because he wanted a manga but now he’s friends with a dictator. woo! wow. amazing character writing. i cant wait to get motivation to rewrite everything and make platano a good villain (he will still be very interested in anime sadly. idk why around that time i liked making characters who were obsessed with anime i didn’t even watch it much myself. i think it was because i wanted to put capes on them)

#I REALLY WENT SLIGHTLY OFF-TOPIC #like i went broader then refocused in at the end #so if you want the basics its just. right at the end #my brain's out of work mode now it's going into the deepfry machine #melon-official

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dannyphantomtransfemau · 4 years

Text

Grave layers off misunderstandings chapter 6 TW: emotional abuse, sexist behavior, a bit of stereotypical canon violence this show has.

Once they were on the road, Danielle felt pretty sure whatever ghost was at the shop would have a pretty hard time following them, of course, life was never that easy for her, she heard a crash and the car jolted, Sam looked to Danielle expectantly, Danielle whispered: "i can't, your mom would see". Mrs. Manson sighed, "Danielle i can still hear you, what don't you want me to see?".

Well, that's just great Danielle thought to herself, "well you might as well show her now, trust me my mom is good with secret identities, she kept the fact that i’m Non-binary secret for me, for years" Sam argued.

That's true Mrs.manson thought, she thought she knew what secret identity they were talking about, the kid was obviously Sam's other friend from before, it took her a bit to see past the makeup, Sam had done a good job on it, most people wouldn't notice the similarities, she also assumed that Sam had given her a stuffed bra to make the effect of the breast,

she also suspected the girl had the revelation of her being a girl today, "Sorry, this is probably going to freak you out a bit, I'm going ghost!", Danielle then transformed into her ghost form, Mrs. Manson gasped, well that was not what she was expecting, "you're the ghost kid?!" Danielle then frowned slightly "yeah, please don't tell my parents."

Mrs.Manson gave Danielle a sympathetic look, "honey, I won't tell your parents about this, or your other secret identity, both of these are very personal, you get to decide how and if you want to come out on both these things."

Danielle looked confused "other secret identity? Wait… You mean you knew who i was?" she asked.

"It took me a while but i figured it out, but don't worry I doubt others will. now go kick some ghost butt dear.” Dannielle then flew off and began to search for the ghost attacking them.

''It didn't take long to see a massive figure aiming what appeared to be a rocket launcher at her, “skulker” Danielle said to herself, as Danielle flew closer she heard skulker say “what, the ghost boy is now a ghost girl, i cant hunt a girl, it wouldn't be sporting!” Danielle crossed her arms at him “and why not?” she asked, skulker, scoffed, “everyone knows the females are the weaker sex”, this really ticked Danielle off, “wow skulker, what era are you living in? you know what now i’m going to kick your butt, just on principle alone”

skulker seemed surprised by this, Danielle then gave a swift uppercut to skulkers jaw, skulker spit out a tooth, “huh, ghost have teeth still, who knew?” skulker then kicked Danielle in the stomach, “ow, I thought you said you couldn't fight girls” skulker shook his head at her, “no i said i couldn't hunt girls, there are no rules about defending myself against them or fighting fights they start”, Danielle then threw an energy blast at skulker who dodged it and threw another punch Danielle managed to phase through,

she had to take the fight more seriously now that she knew skulker could fight back, Danielle tried to kick skulker but skulker had caught her leg and threw her into the nearest building luckily she recovered fast enough to phase through, she looked around her surroundings to try and find skulker again, then she noticed the varsity jacket, a bunch of art books and some papers that looked like they had some pretty complicated equations labeled, guild stats,

then she heard the yelling of an angry man, “DASH GET IN HERE!” dash then arrived on the scene looking worried, “yes, sir?” Danielle had never seen dash look like this “want to tell me why you missed practice?” the man said bitterly.

“i was in detention, Mr. Lancer caught me not paying attention in class again” dash explained in an almost trembling voice, “And what exactly were you doing to cause you not to be paying attention? oh i know what it is, its that pansy art of yours isn't it? Well no more of that, the only way you'll make it to any sort of college is by football at least according to your grades that is.” the man which now Danielle assumed was Dash’s father had marched over to dash’s room and picked up one of the art notebooks, which dash had drawn Danielle in her ghost form earlier today, dash rushed in after him “dad, no i worked hard on those”.

“Work you could have been putting in at practice,” he said as he ripped the notebook in half, that was the final straw for dash, “you know what, i’m gone. You only ever care about football” dash made a straight line for the door, “YOU LEAVE OUT THAT DOOR, DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK!”,

dash looked at his father one last time, “don't worry, I won't”. Then dash slammed the door behind him, Danielle had no idea dash’s home-life was this bad, she had always assumed he was the spoiled rich kid type, she had no idea who to tell about this but she knew she had to tell someone, maybe jazz.

it had all happened so quickly it felt like hours but it had only been a couple of minutes playing out in front of her, but she had more pressing concerns at the moment, she still had to go teach skulker a lesson, she flew around the city till she found him again in a park, the fist to fist approach had not worked, so she decided to go the sneaky route, she got right up behind him and opened the ghost thermos, the last thing she heard skulker say was "oh crud", then her ghost sense went off again,

“really, 2 ghosts in one day,” she said to herself, she turned around about to open the thermos again but saw it was ember McLain and she wasn't actually doing anything just kind of lying on the grass, “uh, can i help you?” she asked looking at ember, “actually you can, and I can help you as well, you want to find Desiree right?” Danielle looked confused at this, “uh yeah?”.

Ember then picked herself up from the ground “well, I have a pretty good plan to get her attention”. Danielle crossed her arms and stared at ember “if this involves making you famous so you can suck people's life force from them again, then forget it”.

Danielle was about to fly off but ember interrupted her “your only half right, it does involve making me famous but no life force draining, look all i want is to me and my music to be remembered, i never actually wanted to take peoples life force away, that was just an unfortunate side effect of my powers, but I figured out a way to get famous without hurting anybody, get famous in the ghost zone, if i get famous there, then Desiree will be sure to show up eventually, she can't stand to be left out of any event, I know she told me so”, Danielle couldn't think of a reason not to help her, it would get her out of her hair for good, and it was a generally nice thing to do, “alright, ill help, and I have a pretty good idea who might be able to help us make this happen, But it will take some time to do."

#emotianal abuse #sexisem #canon violence

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oikawasbread · 4 years

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hi! matchup pls? ♡ straight, she/her, 5'6", short blue hair, septum/ear piercings, brown eyes, caramel skin, active so p fit! in art school so busy making art 24/7. told i can come across as intimidating but just v chill + love makin new friends! open to new experiences, places, ppl + ideas. ~vibin~ most of the time + happiest travelin, skateboardin w friends w a good playlist, spontaneous nights out bein dumb, singin/guitar seshes—solo or w friends + art. the "Always Down" + "Advice Giver"(1/3)

Friend, here if u need a shoulder to cry on or vibe on. always teasin/bantering/jokin arnd. love lang = touch + service! an independent ambivert + don’t like depending on others, but still cherish all my relationships. generally positive outlook on life/ppl + v chill, but cant take ppl’s bs/drama. not afraid to stand up for myself or others. easily captivated + curious, so have to try smth at least once (new thing for me is rock climbing!). work hard/play hard mentality—determined to be a cartoon creator + storyteller! but still happy explorin + enjoyin life. sarcastic, ez-goin, confident, adventurous, cup half full type + Doin My Best™. ENFJ. leo sun/scorp moon/gem rising. TYSM!

Hi darling! Yes ofc <3 Thank you for requesting!!

MATCHING WITH : TERUSHIMA YUUJI

ENFJ personality type? you’re clearly a natural lider, a charismatic, reliable and tolerant person

so Terushima Yuuji couldn’t help but fall for you

mans literally has a tongue piercing and bleached hair, so no one can tell me that you’re not his type

short blue hair? septum AND ear piercings???

Terushima could see from a mile away that you’re confident and it looked so good on you

your courage is why he admires you so much

the fact that in a world full of barbies you’re out here skateboarding with your friends, with a cool ass septum piercing, travelling and spending your nights out and having the time of your life makes him whipped

he needed someone like you

because we can clearly see that Terushima is always happy and confident but I KNOW he has some nights when he’s crying himself to sleep; I JUST KNOW :’(

so the energy you give off makes his pretty heart dance

he wants to become closer to you no matter what, so this dumb ass will make his friends go to the skateboarding ramps with him so he can show off

the problem was that he doesn’t skate, but he thinks it’s easy peasy

he made sure you’re watching him, and went for it

but his handsome face immediately made contact with the hard surface, making you burst out laughing

MAANN.. he was so ashamed. his face was burning red but the sound of your uncontrollable laugh was music to his ears

you run up to him to make sure he was okay; that was a pretty nasty fall after all

‘’Hey, are you-‘’

you laugh again

‘’I’m sorry’’, you say, still trying to hold your laughter. ‘’Are you alright?’’

he was more than okay, now that you looked actually worried for him and approached him

you looked so much beautiful this close

he could finally see the exact color of your eyes : the most beautiful and warm brown he’s ever seen; your caramel skin was literally glowing in the sun like how was that even possible

Yuuji thought he’s in some romantic music video shit. but it felt so right. he wanted to lay down on that ramp with you bending down with this worried yet amused expression of yours

bet his stupidity made you actually blush so you ended up giving him your number

after some time, things took an interesting turn

you ended up dating this idiot

and our boy Terushima has never been happier

‘’The thing I love about her??’’

‘Yeah, dude. Go ahead, we don’t have all day’’

‘’I don’t have one. I love everything about my smurf :’). the way she draws a quick sketch of impressive things she sees through the day, so she’ll never forget them. or the way she’s open to so many new experiences, places and people. The way she’s never afraid to stand up for herself and for the people around her.’’

‘’—Alrigh—‘’

‘’Her advices are the best. She’s so badass! She is a freaking independent woman and you bet your ass she won’t depend on you, me, or anyone in this world!!’’ Terushima was now yelling

‘’Alright, man! jeez- I get it-‘’

‘’No, you don’t. Cause she’s the greatest person. How could you get it, if you haven’t met her? Dude! you have to meet her! she is the funniest, the-‘’

‘’Alright Yuuji! stop. I get it, there’s so many things you love about your girl but stop. get some help.’’

his smile when he was talking about you was so pure and genuine

he’s actually so clingy, he can’t resist one day without seeing you.

and when he’s losing a match, your shoulder is the perfect spot for his head to rest

your heart breaks when you can feel Yuuji’s tears on your neck

you wish you could make him smile, so you make a drawing pf you two as some cartoon characters

his dumb brain is frozen rn but his cheeks are burning

so you cup his face into your hands and slowly press your lips on his

he’s even more dead now. this playboy wannabe was melting under your touch but you can feel him smiling through the kiss

‘’So yeah.. that’s how we ended up being together’’

‘’stop it, babe.. you know i didn’t fall that day on the skateboard. I was actually such a pro that you came to me asking me to teach you some tricks’’

‘’oh, really, Yuuji?’’

‘’yeah, babe. the only moment when i fell was the moment i fell in love with you’’

‘’eww..mom..dad.. stop it’

hah. this was more like a scenario rather than some hcs but.. i hope I didn’t disappoint:’(

-Riley

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reeree1500 · 5 years

Text

The Return- Part Three

Okay y'all so here it is!! Part 3 of the Return series!!! Ivar and reader relationship developmentttttt💕 Hope you guys like itttt :) Lemme know if you guys wanna be tagged too. And don't kill meeeee pleaseee 😂

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 part 8 part 9 Part 10

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @amy8220 @cutegyrl927 @camatsuru @cindy-exo @cainismyname @affection-rabbit

Disclaimer: My sucky writing again. Bad grammar and spelling😂 Character death. And bad plot in general.

Your POV

Excitement. Thats all I could say I was feeling at the moment. To finally be back in Kattegat with my family was something I never thought would have happened again. After my father’s grand announcement of my return, the room overflowed with happiness. People were coming up to me, asking me where I had been for the past 6 years and how I had survived. Obviously, I tried to answer everyone’s questions to the best of my ability without giving too much information. For I still didn't know, the true reason as to why I had to leave or who wanted me gone.

The happiness in the hall however did not last very long. Aslaug, the woman who was questioning Bjorn earlier that night. Was actually my father’s wife. ��Im sorry? She's your what now?!?!” Aslaug screams of sorrow over my existence could probably be heard all the way in Frankia. My father however, seemed to have very little interest in her reactions at all. He had cast her to the side as if she meant nothing to him. During the course of the next few hours neither my father nor Bjorn left my side. It was as if they thought something would occur to me if I was out of their side for more than a second. “Father, if it is alright with you I would like to go outside for some fresh air.” I tell him, whilst grasping his hand to truly catch his attention. Cupping my face he says “My sweet little girl, you may do anything you please. However, I would prefer that you do not stray too far from here, as I have just gotten you back. And I would not be able to handle losing you again.” With that he gives me a kiss on my forehead and sends me on my way.

However, I can still feel the overbearing presence of my older brother. “Bjorn, you know Im not gonna run away, if thats what you're afraid of.” I tell him whilst stepping outside. “Im not afraid of you running away. Im afraid of something happening to you (y/n). Plus worrying about you is my job, always has been.” Leaning on one of the wooden beams, I cant help but to stare up at the sky and hold my cross between my fingers. Thinking to myself how different life would have been if I had not left. “ Im only a few steps away shout if anything happens. Okay?” “Okay! And Bjorn... I love you.” At that Bjorn kisses my forehead and walks back inside.

Unbeknownst to me, a certain dark haired man was lurking in the shadows. “Awwww, If I had a heart I would think that was probably the sweetest reunion Ive ever seen.” Turning to the sound of that familiar voice, I see Ivar leaning on his crutch making his way towards me. “I never thought that I would have a sister. And a Christian one at that.” The way that his eyes scan over my body makes me feel a certain way that I cannot quite describe. And the way that his features are outlined by the moonlight really gives a sense of how handsome he is. “Wait, are you implying that...”

“Well, if all Christians are as slow as you I don't think we’ll have a problem conquering them.” A smirk is displayed on his face, while his eyes show a hint of deviance in them. “Why do you think that Bjorn and Ubbe look so much alike (y/n)?” “Or the fact that we all share similar traits like our eyes?” As Ivar continues to talk down to me as if I were a child, I start to connect the dots. Why it was that Bjorn and Ubbe look alike. The way that they all seem to share the same traits as my father. The four young men that Bjorn introduced me too, are actually my brothers.

With wide eyes I come to the realization that...“You’re my brother.” “Took you long enough.” At that Ivar seems to crack what looks like a genuine smile. “You know, I always thought that I was the youngest, but now that I'm not...” The genuine smile I had probably imagined was now a devious one. “ Now, baby sister. Why don't you and I go and sit down by those steps down there. And you can tell big brother Ivar, what you've been up to all this time?” Without being able to answer, Ivar grabs my hands and takes me towards the steps. Why do I feel like this night is just getting started...

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Ivar POV

Needless to say all of us were in shock to learn that (y/n) was our sister. Especially Hvitserk, who had not only been enchanted by her beauty, but was already planning how he would take her from Bjorn. I however, knew something was up the minute I saw her in the great hall. She had no scars whatsoever on her body, meaning she wasn't a shield-maiden. And absolutely no callouses on her fingers from when she took the ale, meaning she definitely wasn't a thrall. And Bjorn wouldn't cheat on Torvi, unless he wants his balls cut off. Something intrigued me about her instantly. It was if she had been sent to me by the Gods, her sharp tongue reminded me of mine. The way that she stood up for my mother not even knowing that she had caused Lagertha and Ragnar to break up amazed me. The way she handled herself with grace and dignity was exactly what I wanted. No, what I need for in a wife.

“Ivar, are you okay? You've been staring at me for the past 5 mins without saying a word.” (y/n) places her hand on my knee to draw my attention whilst looking straight into my eyes. “As a matter of fact, Im trying to piece together, how we’re the same age, and we never met before you left.” As she goes to lift her hand from my knee, something instinctively goes over me and I grab her and hold it were it was. The initial shock she and I both had at my actions soon subsided. She let her hand rest under mine. As if we had done this countless times before, our fingers intertwined and they in my eyes fit perfectly. I could see the inner turmoil inside her, on whether these small affectionate moments between us were something that was so wrong, but that felt so right.

It was not just moments ago that I had found out she was indeed my sister. Blood of my blood. But somehow, something in me told me that we were meant to be. I felt safe and strangely loved by this person in front of me, whom I have never met before. “You know Ivar, we lived on a farm. I was 100% certain that I would be a farm girl for the rest of my life. I was content with knowing that I would spend my life tending to the animals and my family. But, this is just too much.” Looking down at where our once intertwined hands were. I see that she is now staring at the ground playing with the ends of her long braided hair. “Why? Because you feel as if you're not good enough? Look at me for Odin’s sake! Im a cripple!” At that moment our eyes connected and I saw a reflection of myself in her. A scared child who was deprived of a normal childhood. Seeking for acceptance and love from anyone.

“(Y/n), come inside father wishes to speak to you.” Bjorn says coming out from the great hall ale in hand. Clearly drunk as well. “Sure thing, I’ll be there in a second.” As she goes to stand up (y/n) turns to me and kisses me on the cheek. “Thank you for the pep talk, big brother.”

I knew that I could not be the only one feeling this way. She had to have been feeling the same about me. And I will go to the ends of the world and face the God’s themselves if they think that for a second I will not make her mine.

Your POV

What had I just done! I kissed him whether it be on the cheek or not. I kissed Ivar. My brother. Oh lord, forgive me for these sinful thoughts are consuming me. The intense feeling I got from us holding hands and from when he stared into my eyes. I had felt at home. Felt safe, felt something that I should only be feeling for the man I should marry. Not my brother! As I enter the great hall, all eyes turn on me. Remembering what I had just talked to Ivar about, I keep my head up. I shouldn't be ashamed, or feel as if I'm less than I am.

As I make my way to my father through the crowd once he spots me his eyes light up immediately. Sitting on his thrown he extends his hand and makes me sit on the throne beside his. “My beautiful daughter are you feeling alright now?” He says to me a little louder as if to make sure that people know not to mess with me. “Y..yes father Im feeling much better.” I murmur to him. At that moment my eyes trail off as if to find something that would take me out of this position right now. I have never been one to be the centre of attention. And as much as I wanna believe in myself that I can be a good princess to my people, at the moment that is not going to happen. As I scan the room my eyes land on Hvitserk. He’s eating a piece of chicken las if it were his last meal ever. I cannot help, but to laugh at him and that when he notices. He flashes a smile that could certainly melt any lady’s heart. Without realizing I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and bit my lip. Biting my lip when Im nervous is something Ive always done.

However, what did not realize was Ivar eyeing me from behind him. At that I stop and stare at the ground. As the hours go by, finally the last person leaves the great hall. Leaving only my father and brothers with me. “Sooooo, where is (y/n) supposed to sleep, father?” Asks Ubbe. Coming from behind me Hvitserk puts his arm around my shoulders bringing me closer to his body. “She can sleep with me! I don't mind sharing my bed with her.” At this Ivar scoffs. “Of course you wouldn't, you wouldn’t mind sharing your bed with anything that has a pulse.” I tilt my head trying to figure out whatever he means by that. And all that can be heard is the snickering of my father.

“I was thinking that perhaps I could sleep with Bjorn. You know since we used to share a room when we were little...” I say wishing that what I feel most comfortable with could be taken into account. “I don't know about that one baby sis, you'd have to ask Torvi. She defiantly doesn't like sharing thats for sure.” as Ivar says this he smirks at me while taking bite out of his apple. “Who’s Torvi?” “Wait! Bjorn didn't tell you? He's married.”

At that moment a scream was heard throughout the town.

“Oh My God, Mira!!!!” at that moment I shot out of Hvitserk’s arms and ran as fast as I could. How could I have been so stupid that I left my friend by herself in an unknown place. Seeing the people gathered around Bjorn's cabin only made my heart more nervous. Pushing my way past the crowd I make it up the steps in one piece. But what I saw would forever haunt me. There on the floor lied my once best friend and most trusted subject Mira. And on her back was carved the death rune. All I remember is hitting the floor and watching a pair of worried and frantic electric blue eyes.

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