#but my life is just falling apart rn and i cant function | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

palmettoes · 5 years

Note

hi babe so have you ever considered neil and matt sharing an apartment? maybe they're on the same team or close enough to share one, and it's absolutely amazing because these boys love and support each other so much. but then.. they're also both absolute children when left alone together and the foxes get updates of whatever the most recent thing is with one completely ridiculous picture that never gets explained (like the Sofa Incident). basically love and fun and the brothers they never got!!

(em you already Know how much i love this prompt but like ,, in case you needed a reminder i LOVE this prompt im still crying thANK U anyway this took probably too long but i highkey poured my heart into this dumb little fic i hope u love it ur such an angel ily !!!)

read it on ao3! | prompts are closed :(

◊

Months from now, Neil will be grateful for this lifeline.It’s the offering of comfort and stability he needs long before he knows he’sallowed to want it, and Matt is holding it out to him without a second ofhesitation. Months from now, Neil will appreciate it for what it is. But fornow it feels bigger than he deserves.

“I don’t need a babysitter,” he says, placing a neatly foldedshirt on top of the growing pile beside his suitcase and turning to look atMatt. “I can look after myself.”

Matt, to his credit, doesn’t roll his eyes but Neil watchesthe corners twitch and he knows it’s a near thing.

“I know you can. I’m not asking to be your babysitter. I’masking to be your roommate.”

“Why?”

Neil can’t help it. The question is itching under his skin,making him shifty and uncomfortable. He doesn’t understand Matt’s motives: hespent three years living in close quarters with Neil and half of the last twopractically glued to Neil’s couch at any given opportunity. Why he is willinglysigning up for another year of it, Neil cannot fathom.

“We’re playing for the same team. It just makes sense,” Mattsays and he makes it sound like it really does. Neil frowns and purses his lipsand can’t think of any good reason to dispute it.

“You don’t share an apartment with any of your otherteammates.”

Matt does roll his eyes this time, but it’s a gesturefilled with fondness and, for reasons Neil can’t explain, the rest of hiscomplaints stick in his throat.

“None of my other teammates are my best friend.”

◊

It’s surprisingly easy, Neil thinks, to fall into theroutine of living with Matt. The apartment is already full of Matt’sbelongings, from his two year head start, but bits and pieces of Neil slip intothe cracks—his running shoes by the door, two mugs by the coffee pot eachmorning, Andrew’s hoodie on the back of the couch. It becomes theirs intrinsicallyuntil the discomfiture ebbs away and the word home seeps through.

When Neil wakes up in his new apartment for the first time,the morning feels stretched and torpid. The absence of weight in the bed besidehim is a hollow ache in his chest, and he gets up just to avoid the immensityof it. The world is drowsy outside his window, dark and slow as it blinksitself back to life, but their apartment is already alight with the smell ofcoffee and the muffled sound of socked footsteps.

Neil finds Matt in the kitchen, one hand pouring milk into amug of coffee, the other stirring porridge on the stove. Matt looks up at hisarrival and grins, all teeth and dimples. He sets down the milk carton andhooks his fingers around the handle of the other mug, holding it out to Neil.

“Morning, princess,” he says. Neil wraps his stiff fingersaround the mug, letting the warmth seep through to his bones and wake himproperly.

“Your porridge is done,” he observes, because he can see itthickening around Matt’s spoon as he steps past. Matt yelps and flicks off thegas, transferring the pot to a cool hob and reaching for a bowl in the samemovement.

“There’s enough for two,” he says as he scrapes the gloopymixture into his bowl. Neil stands on his toes to open one of the cupboards andgrab a granola bar from the second shelf.

“I’m good, thanks.”

Neil holds the half-opened granola bar up in defence whenMatt shoots him the look he reserves for disapproval at Neil’s tendency to skipmeals. He doesn’t comment but the tilt of his mouth is displeased. Neil shrugsit off and sips his coffee.

“Excited to meet the team later?” Matt asks as he runs hotwater into the empty pot to soak. Neil waits until the gurgle of the tap shutsoff to reply.

“Not really. I don’t care what they’re like. It’s how theyplay that matters.”

Matt turns to lean against the kitchen bench, bowl in hand,and rolls his eyes fondly—something of a recurring action around Neil.

“Now you sound like Kevin.”

“Kevin sounds like me,” Neil corrects, just to be contrary.

Matt grins around a mouthful of porridge. “You’re both asbad as each other. Come on, you can have first shower. I want to show you thebest route to the supermarket before we’re due at the stadium.”

◊

The team, as it turns out, arefar more excited to meet Neil than he is to meet them. There are three new teammembers, including him; one other first year pro and a transfer from Denver,but Neil inadvertently steals most of the attention. It’s some mixture of hismemorable face gracing television far more than any college student has a rightto, and Matt singing his praises over the past two years, that gives him adegree of interest the Cannons gravitate towards. All Neil really wants to dois talk to the Denver recruit about a certain goalkeeper on his old team, butMatt squeezes his shoulder lightly and it is as much a warning as it is acomfort. Play nice.

Neil smiles and lets KatiLaskey—starting striker—hook her elbow around his neck and rub her other handlightly through his hair. If he closed his eyes, her weight against his bodywould almost feel like Dan. The thought is both reassuring and saddening, likea weight constricting his chest not quite enough to leave him breathless, butspiking discomfort through his ribcage all the same. He finds he cannot makeeye contact with any of his new teammates.

“They’re not Foxes,” he says,when Matt prompts him for an opinion as they ease into traffic on their wayhome. Matt hums assent because it’s true, they are not and never will be theshape of puzzle pieces cut from the same jigsaw. They are Cannons, equal partschaos and content, and they have dug a Neil-sized hole in their line-up, but itis a manufactured kind of welcoming, a family born of necessity rather thandesire.

“They’re good people,” Matt saysand Neil cannot find fault to disagree.

“They’re good as teammates,” hesays instead. Matt flicks him a look under the guise of checking his blind spotbefore signalling the turn-off. They turn down the side street connected totheir apartment complex and Neil traces the vaguely familiar shapes outside thewindow with his finger.

It is still warm yet, the airhumid and muggy with the weight of summer. He can see heat hanging heavy overthe pavement and pooling in pockets between the clouds. He hates days likethese, but this one feels less like a burden and more like a blanket, swathinghim in the absence of body heat. Not ideal, but somehow enough all the same.

“They’re good as teammates, but Ialready have all the family I need.”

When Matt looks at him this time,it is with blatant intent and his smile is blinding.

◊

mattyb: someone come collect neil he’s making me sad

gaynolds: what did he tell you this time??

mattyb: a story about his mom

gaynolds: fuck those are the worst

wildz: u all g josten?

jos10: I’m fine.

gaynolds: :/

mattyb: he let me pat his head

wildz: 4 his comfort or urs ???

mattyb: honestly mine but i like to think it’shelping him too

jos10: It’s nice. Thank you.

nickyminaj: omg neil :( u cant be sad when im too faraway to hug u

jos10: I’m not sad.

jos10: Matt is.

mattyb: I AM

nickyminaj: mattie no :(

nickyminaj: coming to hug u both rn

wildz: me 2

gaynolds: me three

wildz: group hug @ the b/j apt.

nickyminaj: the WHAT

wildz: boyd/josten but im just rlzing how bad thtsounds

mattyb: H

mattyb: NNNN OFJAJKM.VWQ3JFJEZ/.DS’’;XMLD

nickyminaj: uh

wildz: r u dyin ???

mattyb: might have to take a raincheck on the grouphug

mattyb: OH HOLY FUCK

wildz: ?????

gaynolds: omg

mattyb: NEIL JUST

mattyb: CHRIST

nickyminaj: what did he do now lmfao

gaynolds: b/j apartment is my favourite soap

nickyminaj: ^^^

wildz: r they actually ded ????

gaynolds: matt??

nickyminaj: 50 bucks says neil started a fire tryingto make dinner

gaynolds: you’re on

gaynolds: josten knows how to cook

nickyminaj: lmaooo

nickyminaj: u didn’t see him try to use the sandwichpress at the columbia house

nickyminaj: andrew banished him from the kitchen

gaynolds: fuck

wildz: can confirm, neil knos how 2 cook but nt how 2use tech

kevinday: What’s happening?

mattyb: [image attached]

kevinday: What the fuck.

gaynolds: what the fuck

nickyminaj: WHAT THE FUCK

wildz: wht hppnd???

nickyminaj: UR COUCH IM CRYING

kevinday: How did that happen?

gaynolds: is neil BLEEDING

nickyminaj: holy fuck yeah his face

wildz: shit

kevinday: Is that a bird?

gaynolds: IS THAT A BIRD

nickyminaj: oh my god

wildz: matt wtf is goin on?

jos10: We’re fine. Matt had to sit down because hewas laughing too much.

wildz: neil ????

nickyminaj: EXPLAIN

jos10: I have to go. It’s fine.

gaynolds: josten you’re bleeding out of your face andthere is a pigeon on your head

kevinday: Neil

nickyminaj: oh my god

nickyminaj: we’re pretending this is normal oh my god

aaminyard: what is going on?

aaminyard: oh that couch is in shreds lol

nickyminaj: AARON PLS

wildz: called matt but it went str8 2 vmail

gaynolds: the bird probably fucking murdered them

aaminyard: finally

nickyminaj: aaron pls

wildz: aaron pls

gaynolds: aaron pls

aminyard: aaron no

◊

(The bird is collected by an ABC volunteer.

They buy a new couch.)

◊

Integrating himself into an already functioning team is botheasier and harder than knitting together the torn edges of the Foxes. TheCannons are professionals—polite because they are paid to be and serious whereexy is concerned—but they are friends off the court as well. Three months intotheir season, Neil has grown used to one or another of their teammates crashingon the couch in his and Matt’s apartment, or showing up unannounced withtakeout on their days off. Kati takes him out for coffee twice a week at asugar-free café two blocks from his apartment (which Neil delights in tellingAndrew about) and fills him in on the details of her personal life. (Her longdistance girlfriend just moved over from Missouri. They’re adopting cats.) Inreturn, Neil shows her the latest picture Andrew has texted him (the curl ofsmoke against a city skyline, or the glint of a blade under sunlight, or theopen freeway above the Maserati dashboard). Neil is never very sure, but hethinks this makes them friends.

Somewhere along the way, the team become less likecolleagues and more like something personal, something that spreads like warmbutter inside Neil’s chest. He knows parts of their lives that go deeper thannecessity for survival, while they learn where he likes to go to eat and what hiscollege major was. He lets them scavenge through his life for the titbits thatshould not matter yet somehow do, but saves the intimate details to sharebetween Matt and Kati. It’s not that he and Andrew are a secret, but Neil isprivate by nature and the Cannons, for all their friendship, are still notfamily.

They seem content to take what they’re given and pry nofurther, so Neil isn’t concerned when their captain, Breanna Ramírez, asks himto spare a minute after practice. He detours past Matt on his way off the courtto let him know he’ll make his own way home. Matt swings an arm around Neil’sshoulders and leans down to knock their heads together.

“Nice work today, honey,” he says and lets go, waving asNeil heads to the locker room.

Breanna takes him to a patisserie ten minutes from thestadium where, she tells him, they sell petits fours that her husbandthinks are to-die-for. Neil texts a picture of the display cabinet followed bya question mark to Andrew while he waits for Breanna to order. They get theircoffees to-go and Breanna’s husband’s petits fours in a small paper bag,and walk the short distance to a nearby park.

They talk about the season, about the flaws in the startingline-up, and about the kids Breanna and her husband are currently fostering.Neil wants to tell her he and Matt almost adopted an injured bird that they letfly into their apartment, but decides she might not take it in her stride aseasily as the Foxes.

Instead he says, “Maybe I’ll stop by the patisserie again onthe way home. Matt loves pain au chocolat.”

Breanna looks at him, looks away, sighs, looks at him again.

“Josten.” She fiddles with the lid of her coffee cup. “Neil.I didn’t want to say anything, but I feel, I don’t know, morally obligated.”

Neil’s pulse jumps in his wrist and he blinks at Breanna,confused and apprehensive.

“Morally obligated to what?”

“Look, you and Boyd are both lovely and I know it isn’treally my business, but the team has been talking and— Well, I’m not trying topreach to you, but sometimes his fiancée comes to visit and I just want to beclear that none of us are comfortable covering for you. If it comes to that.”

She’s doing everything to avoid his gaze now and Neil hasnever seen her so unsure of herself. He frowns, turning her words over in hishead but no matter which way he pushes and pulls he can’t make sense of them.

“What does Dan have to do with this?”

“You know, because of your… thing with Boyd.”

“My—” Neil stares at her as the pieces click into place,forming a complete picture, albeit one that makes Neil’s head ache. “You thinkI’m having an affair with Matt?”

“You’re not?” Breanna finally makes eye contact, head tiltedand eyebrows knit. Neil almost laughs but something about the set of her jawstops him.

“What makes you think we’re having an affair?”

“You’re very affectionate,” she says, shrugging. “We’venoticed things.”

“He’s my best friend.” Neil’s tongue feels numb in his mouth.His words come slowly, as though his brain is still catching up to theconversation. “We’re just like that.”

“You’re close.”

“Yeah. He’s my best friend,” Neil says again, like she mighthave missed it the first time. Breanna bites her lip and glances down at whereher fingers have twisted in the paper bag.

“There’s really nothing going on there, is there?” she asksin a small voice, and Neil’s patience slips a little.

“He wouldn’t do that to Dan. I wouldn’t do that toDan.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“Didn’t mean to what? Imply that we’re both cheatingassholes? Yes, you did, otherwise you wouldn’t have said anything.”

He knows his temper is sparking, knows he should put a lidon it, but his mouth is running faster than he can catch it. He doesn’tunderstand how she can’t see that they’re the two least likely people to beunfaithful to their partners, or why she thinks it’s any of her concern anyway.

“But you can see how it seemed like that, right? I mean, hecalls you pet names all the time. You buy him pastries for no reason. Lastweek, he kissed you at practice.”

“On the forehead,” Neil feels the need to remind her. “Becausewe’re friends. Do you need a rundown of every interaction we’ve ever had toprove that? How about a timeline of the development of our friendship?”

“This really isn’t any of my business,” Breanna says andNeil’s mouth twists in scorn.

“You’re right, it isn’t. I should go. I still want to get tothe patisserie before it closes.” He stands up, forcibly releasing the tensionin his fists, and tells himself to walk away. “See you at practice tomorrow.”

“Neil, I’m sorry,” she starts to say but he waves her off.He only makes it three steps before he decides he’s not finished. He pivots onthe spot, clenches his fists, and inhales sharply.

“For the record, I have a boyfriend and we’re very happy,”he says and watches Breanna’s face go slack, her mouth opening on words thatdon’t come out. It takes her three tries to find them.

“You never said.”

“It was never any of your business.”

She bows her head little, then looks up to meet his eyes,her cheek dimpled where it’s caught between her teeth. Neil shrugs.

“Just so you know. He’s the only one I’m interested in.”

Breanna nods and looks like she wants to say something else,but she doesn’t protest when Neil turns again to walk away. He has a funnyfeeling the patisserie doesn’t open late and he really doesn’t want to missthem.

◊

“The team think we’re having an affair,” he tells Mattlater, perched on the kitchen workbench to the left of the stove. Matt iscooking pasta sauce in a large pot, which means he’s making enough to freezethe leftovers because he knows Neil will happily go hungry if it means hedoesn’t have to cook on days when he can’t find the energy.

“Our team?” Matt asks incredulously. Neil nods,absentmindedly popping the seal on a half-empty jar of olives.

“Ramírez told me it’s been team gossip for weeks.”

Matt laughs, reaching around Neil to lift another pot downfrom the shelf above his head. He puts it on one of the empty hobs and returnsto stirring his sauce, so Neil leans over to flick the switch on the kettle. Hesettles back into his earlier position and searches Matt’s face, but all hefinds are traces of amusement. It calms him a little, his temper over Breanna’saccusations dissipating.

“Fifty bucks says Pav started it,” Matt says, grinning.Aleksei Pavlov is one of their starting backliners and notorious for hisoutlandish but widely believed rumours. He and Matt have a friendly rivalrythat involves playful nicknames and good-natured trash talking at every turn.

“I don’t bet,” Neil reminds Matt unnecessarily. The kettlepings as the water reaches boiling point and he lifts it over to pour into theempty pot on the stovetop. “Allison would have a field day with this though.”

“Oh God, let’s not tell her. If she finds out, Dan findsout, and I’ll be trying to live it down until I’m old and grey,” Matt laughs.Neil hands him a pair of scissors to cut open the bag of pasta in his hand, andreplaces the now empty kettle on its outlet.

“She wouldn’t be mad?”

“Hardly. She’d think it was hilarious.” Matt pours pastainto the pot and flicks the gas on, before giving Neil a curious look. “WouldAndrew be mad?”

Neil hums, returning to pressing the lid of the olive jarand letting it pop back into place. He doesn’t know what Andrew wouldthink—they’ve never had cause to discuss it before—but he can count on one handthe amount of times Andrew has shown interest in things that don’t directlyconcern him.

“I don’t think he’d care.”

“What, he hears his boyfriend is off gallivanting with hishot roommate halfway across the country and he doesn’t even want to check up?”

“He knows we’re not. Andrew doesn’t care for rumours,” Neilsays, shrugging. Thinking of Andrew’s signature apathy dispels the remainder ofhis anger and he finds that he doesn’t care for the rumour either. Andrew’svoice in his head asks why he cares what other people think and Neil can’t finda reason.

“That’s true enough,” Matt agrees. He twists off the heatunder the sauce and gestures at Neil. “Pass me those olives, would you, mylove?”

Neil snorts, releases the seal on the jar, and hands itover. “This is why people think we’re having an affair.”

“Maybe we are.”

Matt’s tongue dips out to lick the corner of his smile andNeil rolls his eyes.

“If I was going to cheat, I think I could at least do betterthan you.”

Neil earns himself an olive pitted straight at his foreheadfor that one. He catches its rebound in his hand and pops it into his mouth,rubbing the stain off his skin and kicking half-heartedly in Matt’s direction.Matt takes an exaggerated step out of the way and returns to slicing olives andsprinkling them into the sauce.

“Do you really want to be insulting me when the fate of yourdinner rests in my hands?” Matt asks. Neil leans over to steal another olive.

“I’ll tell Kevin you’re intentionally depriving me of abalanced diet.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“I have him on speed dial,” Neil says, slipping his phoneout of his pocket and holding it up for emphasis. He pushes off the counterwith his hands, landing softly on the linoleum floor and using the momentum toslide on socked feet to the other side of the kitchen. He bends to take twobowls from the cupboard and leans over to the cutlery drawer as he hears Mattchecking on the pasta behind him.

“Hey, sweetheart?”

Neil turns to find Matt beckoning to him, a strand ofspaghetti dangling from his fingers. He steps over and holds out his hand whenprompted by Matt’s grabby motions. Matt loops the spaghetti around his ringfinger, twisting and squeezing the ends until they mush together, effectivelytying the pasta to Neil’s finger.

“Give the team something to talk about, hey,” he says,exaggerating the wink that accompanies it. Neil turns his hand around and holdsup his middle finger in response. Matt laughs and the sound is white horsesbreaking over Neil’s head. He lets himself be pulled under.

◊

mattyb: [image attached]

mattyb: he said yes!

wildz: what

gaynolds: what

renesbian: what

nickyminaj: what

aminyard: what.

nickyminaj: omg

◊

Andrew calls him two hours later while Matt is making hotchocolate and Neil is flicking through sports channels with the TV on mute.

“I let you do one thing on your own and you get engaged toBoyd,” he says by way of hello. Neil smiles, tipping his head against the backof the couch and tapping the remote against his thigh.

“Jealous, are we?”

Andrew huffs, just barely but Neil catches it. He bites downon a laugh and lets his eyes slip closed.

“I thought you at least had better taste than that.”

“I chose you, didn’t I?” Neil says. Warm honey oozes downhis spine and he melts into the cracks between the couch cushions, the wholeworld slipping away and zeroing in on the static crackling down the phone line.Andrew’s voice is sturdy and smooth, garbled by the distance but stillunmistakeably his. Neil relaxes into it.

“Is that an affirmation of your good taste or further proofof your idiocy?”

Neil hums around a grin but doesn’t reply. He knows Andrewknows what he means, even though neither of them will acknowledge it. Theylapse into steady silence, soft breaths and fleeting movements between them.Neil can hear the buzz of traffic from Andrew’s end and assumes he’s on thebalcony of his high-rise apartment, overlooking the bustling street. Neilremembers the city lights and cool breeze from his last visit, the smell ofsmoke and petrol mixing in the air, the way the railing felt digging into hisback when Andrew kissed him up against it. He lets out a half-sigh, abortedbefore Andrew can make anything of it, and swallows the whiskey-flavouredmemory.

“My team knows about you,” he says, just to have somethingto say. It’s a lot like that with Andrew now—they no longer deal in weightedtruths and bleeding secrets. Neil finds that he doesn’t mind half as much as hethought he would, back when he used to worry they would run out of things tosay one day. Sometimes they have conversations without substance; after all,Andrew has always been good at making something out of nothing.

“I would hope so. They’ve played me twice,” Andrew says onan exhale. With his eyes pressed shut and his lips parted on a breath, Neil canalmost taste the smoke leaking from Andrew’s mouth.

“Funny,” he deadpans. Neither of them laugh. “I mean aboutus.”

He half expects Andrew to be difficult for the sake of it,but Andrew has long since stopped denying they are two parts of the same whole.He fiddles with his cigarette instead; Neil can hear his fingers tap away theash.

“Is that a problem?” he asks and Neil hears the part hedoesn’t say, the I don’t mind if you don’t, the this was never secretto anyone who was looking.

“No.”

“Okay.”

Neil breathes. Andrew smokes. The silence fills spacesbetween them.

Neil cracks an eye open when Matt taps him on the shoulder,holding out a steaming mug. From the smell, it’s a fruity blend from the packof herbal teas Kati had given him as thanks for helping out with hergirlfriend’s move. The mug is hot beneath his fingers so he balances it on hisknee while he resituates his grip to the handle, and raises it to his lips.

Andrew? Matt mouths as he settles onto the other sideof the couch, his own mug of hot chocolate warming his palms. Neil nods,nestling the phone between his ear and his shoulder so he can tap the ringfinger of his opposite hand, an explanation of Andrew’s call. Matt grins aroundthe lip of his mug before taking a sip.

“Tell him if he likes it then he should have put a ring onit.”

Neil frowns, glances down at his hand, and then back up atMatt. He mouths what in return but Matt just flaps his hand at thephone.

“Matt says,” Neil looks at him again and Matt gives him athumbs up, “if you like it then you should have put a ring on it?”

There’s a shuffling sound as Andrew shifts around, thesqueak of a screen door sliding open and closed, before the city noises cut offand the silence takes on a new shape.

“Tell Boyd if he likes his tongue he should keep it in hismouth.”

Neil relays the threat and Matt laughs aloud, his hotchocolate sloshing dangerously close to the rim of his mug. Neil watches him inshock—it’s the first time he can remember seeing Matt find genuine humour inanything one of Andrew’s lot have said.

“Did you just make a joke?” he asks Andrew. He’s not surewhich he’s more caught off guard by: that Andrew made a joke or that Matt foundit funny.

“It wasn’t a joke. It was a warning.”

A cupboard door clips shut from Andrew’s end and Neil hearsthe chink of crockery. He makes eye contact with Matt, who raises his eyebrowsand sips his hot chocolate, before shrugging off his surprise.

“I have to make dinner,” Andrew says. It isn’t a dismissalbut Neil can tell by his voice Andrew doesn’t feel like talking.

“Okay,” he agrees, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Andrew grunts, which is an affirmation in its own way, andhangs up without saying goodbye. Neil drops his phone between his thighs forsafekeeping and takes another drink of his tea. Matt nudges Neil’s shin withhis toe, nodding at the TV.

“You watching that?”

There’s a replay of an Exy match from the previous week, butNeil’s already seen it and it isn’t Andrew or Kevin’s team. He hands Matt theremote in lieu of a response and lets his eyes drift shut on the snippets ofsoaps flashing by as Matt switches channels.

◊

gaynolds: it’s been 8 days since our last b/jnonsense

nickyminaj: is that a record?

gaynolds: i think so

wildz: wild

wildz: get it haha

jos10: What’s b/j nonsense?

gaynolds: it’s you honey

aaminyard: aka every time you message this chateveryone has a stroke

nickyminaj: lmfao tru

jos10: Why?

wildz: u n matt r disasters

wildz: always gttin up 2 crzy shit

nickyminaj: u send the most concerning messages andnever elaborate

jos10: No, we don’t?

gaynolds: NO WE DON’T HE SAYS

nickyminaj: remember when matt and neil’s couch gotripped to shreds by a bird

nickyminaj: and they never explained how

gaynolds: remember when matt and neil got married

renesbian: remember when Neil texted the group chat‘cowabunga’ followed by three hashtags

renesbian: then ten seconds later said he rememberedMatt was visiting Dan and not to worry

wildz: rmbr wen m drank 3L of mntn dew at once

wildz: & n sent a pic of him passed out w ac.board cutout of dolly parton

wildz: y do they hav a c.board cutout of dolly parton

jos10: We can’t recycle her without concerning theneighbours.

renesbian: I think the question is why do you haveher in the first place

jos10: Oh.

jos10: We got her from Dollar Tree.

gaynolds: dollar tree sells cardboard cutouts ofdolly parton ???

jos10: I don’t think she was for sale.

nickyminaj: u STOLE dolly parton from dollar tree

aaminyard: you sound surprised

nickyminaj: i mean yeah

nickyminaj: aren’t u ??

aaminyard: no

gaynolds: no

wildz: no

renesbian: no

nickyminaj: good point

jos10: [image attached]

jos10: She lives in the shower.

gaynolds: that is quite literally the most terrifyingcombination of information/image i’ve ever seen

wildz: 1 time i stayed @ b/j apt & she slept inth bed w me n matt

aaminyard: what the fuck

gaynolds: why did we ever let those two live together

nickyminaj: yeah this has gone too far

wildz: m can move in w me if andrew will take n ??

aminyard: deal.

jos10: Who gets Dolly?

aminyard: never mind I don’t want him.

◊

When Neil wakes up in his and Matt’s apartment on what Mattdubs their ‘roommate-iversary’, the morning feels like a wave, hugging the bayit crashes into and guiding Neil’s breaths through the ebb and flow. A yearstretches across the floorboards, worn smooth under their tread, and laps atthe walls, where they’ve taken to sticking photographs and reminders andsmiley-face messages from one to the other. The world is quiet around him, butfor the buzz of the radio and the familiar pattern of footfalls againstlinoleum floor.

Neil finds Matt in the kitchen, two mugs on the worktop anda pancake flipping through the air towards the pan in his outstretched hand.

“Morning, princess,” Matt says, holding up one of the mugswithout turning. Neil loops his fingers through the handle and around theceramic curve, bringing it to his lips to blow the billow of steam away fromthe rim.

“Morning, sunshine,” he says, leaning against the corner ofthe fridge. The way Matt freezes is almost comedic, like each muscle isolatingand tensing one by one. When he looks up, his gigawatt smile is alreadyplastered over his face, bright enough to dissolve the dreary heaviness of themorning, and Neil’s returning grin bites into his cheeks before he can hold itback. Matt returns to his breakfast with crinkles by his eyes. Neil blowslightly on his coffee and takes a sip.

◊

mattyb has changed their name to sunshine.

jos10 has changed their name to princess.

◊

#maz.dox #mdb #naj #andreil #fic #remussloopin #answered

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theonlykallisto · 5 years

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reel it in

hey, its me again,,, its weird,,, i just recently have been realizing that my depression and anxiety have recently been taking a really big toll on me... i never see these things coming somehow even when they’re happening. it’s hard to come out of... which has been made crystal clear... i just dont like the fall sometimes and so much is happening on this tiny home planet not just in my life but within the universe... poverty, famine, deforestation adding in failed graduate and responsible college student doesn’t seem like something most would care to talk about even though like most say.... the need of the many outweighs the need of a few and there’s a lot of young people out here man! lol anyways i seriously have a problem expressing my true thoughts i guess suppressing them so long has literally cut my subconscious off from my mouth moving motor functions. ive been really depressed because my dysphoria (social, body, gender) is all a pile of shit. its not just being trans that has been a drowning simulation at a pool party with the 13 ghosts... its so much... school, work, apartment, car, food. that’s my life rn... i dont even get to add creative and bobbie... nope i cant even add my own name in a list of things i do but i just know ive been bad lately... and i dont know sometimes if itll ever even get better i seriously dont. i may not be on testosterone and i may not have health insurance so ive been waiting... waiting for my life to start and to try to feel better about my body but right now on this day i thought about how i coughed so much today because the weather is shitty and i smoke so much but i had coughed so much i realized when recently sepaking how i imaged my voice would sound when it was naturally lower i tend to lower it on my own because im pre-testosterone but nothing seems to actually help my voice sound authentically masculine and today i heard that... it gave me confidence in who i would become... it made me feel myself again and that made me forget why i had a reason to be sad... it made me feel like i could tackle my depression to keep going on til tomorrow not just try to attempt to survive the day without letting ym misery get in the way... but i just wanted to tell you friend... this pain is only temporary... all pain is the greatness is not in the dark hole it holds over you but what you choose to help fill that hole with in this world regardless of what it is and seeing it through to the end to make it all feel worth more than you imagined... more than just being bearable// i love you and i hope you remember you’re not sad all the time even if you think/feel you are. and i will always be your listening ears.

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magical-agatha · 5 years

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im exhausted and terrified rn and i need to sleep bc its 4.30am but im frozen and its been years since i had to go to high school or tafe or work but im still terrified of going to sleep bc for almost all of my life going to sleep meant waking up too early and panic rushing to get ready without enough sleep. then taking the bus to school for 45 minutes and falling asleep in class and getting yelled at. or getting up at like. 5am and leaving at 6am and taking 2 and a half hours to get to tafe 30 mins before class starts at 9am. then struggling not to fall asleep and struggling even more to focus bc i was so tired and drowsy i could barely stay awake. then failing my classes and not understanding the work and eventually dropping out. or maybe it meant getting up to go to work where id get abuse hurled at me all day and id work as hard as i could but it was never fast enough and i was tall and weird and soft so i was the prime target for my violent bully of a boss.

and i havent had to do any of that since 2017. but my body wont forget. i avoid sleep most nights bc of it. 2am is an achievement for me. i remember at some point in 2015 or 2016? i had a phase of 6 months or so where i was completely nocturnal. woke at 7pm slept at 8am. or some days slept at 5am woke at 4pm. that felt pretty good honestly. but that doesnt work if i want to function in this world. nor if i want to spend time with my gf.

and when i was a child sleep was always a problem too. i hated it. my mom tried so hard to force me into a neurotypical sleep schedule but it never worked and i just suffered and built anxiety about sleep that just got worse and worse as i got older.

and there was that one ex of mine who demanded my attention all the time and stopped me sleeping. i kept my phone on loud so if she msgd me id wake up bc shed go berserk or have a breakdown sometimes if i didnt reply fast enough. ive been on the other side of something similar to that. but im not like her. intrusive thoughts tell me i am. but im not.

anyway. sleep is hard. sleep is terrifying. sleep means waking up violently. sleep means letting someone control my life. sleep means losing my free will and hurting myself to meet someone elses denands of me. so im terrified of it. and even now i cant sleep properly. its nearly 5am. another night where i stay up til 5am. im not okay. not remotely. im not coping. im falling apart. i need to get out of this house and away from the ppl who spent the last 24 years breaking me.

i miss my girlfriend. i miss being held by her. i miss sleeping with her. i slept terribly with her at first but on the third week it was starting to work. and it felt safe. i was close to her. i was safe. she was protecting me. i miss her so much. i cant stay here much longer i need to get out im dying.

every day i spend here i get sicker. it gets harder and harder to cope. everything builds up and hurts more and more and the only relief i have is talking to my gf on voice chat. we're both trying so hard and struggling so much. we both need to get out. i miss her. im breaking more and coping less and im stretching my limit more and more. i need to get out. shes the only hope i have. i miss her so much.

#hashtag blogging with aggy

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horce-divorce · 2 years

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man. so. i've been doing REALLY well mental-health wise since i moved back to michigan. in the past 2 years i even started sleeping regularly and established a bit of daily routine

but my routine is messed up rn because i had to stop smoking weed. i chose to for my EEG in a month but also bc i'm out of money lmfao. and i would maybe even be able to function w/o weed if it wasn't for the ARFID. but my life and my nice new routine is falling apart now bc i went off my meds and, predictably, i cannot eat! and I am. frustrated. I just need to vent :^)

cw for talk of food/ED & neuro issues

without weed, it takes me so long to eat even 1 apple, sliced as if for a child (usually 1.5 hours), that i have to devote my ENTIRE day to making sure that i'm getting enough calories to even sort-of function. because if I only eat "what I can" I will only be eating about 500cals a day, i will start barfing, and I will end up in the ER. it's happened multiple times before.

so my routine is all wack rn. i wake up at like 8:30, I work on a carnation shake from about 9:30-10:30. around 11 I slice up some fruit and work on that until about 1pm. i have to watch tv while I do this bc otherwise I'm too focused on how the food feels and I will have a panic attack. this esp is fucking me up bc for the last 2 years I mainly watched TV at night (easier to get immersed and then go to bed then walk around all day still being immersed. is that an adhd thing?? idk)

anyway by the time i'm done w my apple it's time to think about lunch, and that also takes me several hours to complete, and by then, it's time to think about dinner, and at that point I still probably have not eaten even 500cals. and i havent gotten anything else done in the meantime (like art, or transcripts, or whatever) either because it hurts too much to sit at the desk, or because I can't eat and focus on a task at the same time (I hyperfocus, the food will go uneaten). or both.

normally I eat smaller meals/snack thru the day, then eat 1 large meal at dinnertime, but I literally physically cannot make myself do that without weed anymore.

and like, neuro didn't tell me I need to stop smoking weed for my procedure, I took it upon myself to do that bc I want them to have the data. and my counselor said now's a good a time as any to quit if I'm out of money, because when they DO ask you to stop smoking for a procedure, it's usually like, 6-8 weeks out or something.

like, technically can I survive on less than 500cals a day for a month? probably, but I really don't wanna find out?? I don't wanna live like that??? i've been losing weight like crazy and NOT in the Cool Good For You kind of way, in the "shit I already needed to replace my clothes bc transition and now this and I HAVE NO MONEY" kind of way.

i did request an appointment w my pcp about my stomach after calling the nurseline (hopefully they get back to me tomorrow). but I feel like they're just gonna refer me to a gastro. and that's gonna be another indeterminate wait for someone to look at. and idk if i can continue to not use weed that whole time. like idk if I can stand it. i cant fucking live like this I'm literally suffering and can't do my work or anything.

idk maybe like, i can stop smoking just a week or two before my EEG and that might be ok? so that I wont fucking starve in the meantime??? :( REALLY hope the next gastro isnt such a dissmisive ass hole like my last one....

#me #prsnl #ur welcome to weigh in if u have commentary i just #am having a hard time #and no its not withdrawal this is just fucking normal for my stupid body now #i know i shouldnt call my body stupid im trying so hard to be patient but FUCK this

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sourstars · 2 years

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hii 🙅‍♀️🏅☀️❤️ for the fanfic ask game hehe

THIS GOT TOO LONG SORRY LOVELY! ALSO HI <333

fanfic asks!

🙅‍♀️what’s one trope you refuse to write?

it’s not that i won’t write it, it’s that i CANT. IDK WHAT IT IS BUT??? as much as i love a good enemies to lovers i. just cannot get my brain to function as it should to put it into words like??? the snark??? the banter??? the underlying act of pretend hatred and sights and annoyance that really disguised attraction and feelings and???? tension??? i’ve tried a million drafts and i just cannot even though it’s so good to read. will never ever write love triangles

🏅 What is the fic you’re most proud of?

ur such a hottie for this question idk this question gives hottie energy <3 instead of one here’s three: dabi’s “love? they say it’s everything”, suga’s “cheers to you & i”, and kuroo’s “8:47PM” bc they were such big stages in my brain, like it was the process of grief, heartbreak, and love in found family all at different points. i cant explain it but it’s kinda like those mundane moments where you sit and youre like; “oh yeah.” and then you have a little lightbulb moment where you have a realization ab your life — that’s what they were to me!! dabi’s and suga’s were entirely influenced on my own experiences and so reading them over i have a good cry every time and i love them

☀️ Has anyone ever left you a comment that made your day? What did it say?

OH MANNNN i might have to dig through my docs for some beta reader comments but yes i’ve had quite a few! some for kuroo’s work has left me with a huge smile on my face! one person left a comment on ukai’s timestamp that was like “i’m gonna remember this when i have a fight with my man” or smth like that and i legit stopped and put my hand over my heart bc that one was ab a marriage falling apart but all you see is the aftermath and even though you’re in a fight you love each other and that’s why you’re married so you’ll get through it, so that made me speechless for a while bc??? you took that fic’s lesson and kept it in ur heart?? sob there’s also more but i’d have to look for ‘em! overall any comment i get sticks with me bc i don’t often get many so they all mean smth to me immensely, i love hearing people’s thoughts and things!

❤️ Who is your favorite character to write for and why?

omg this is another hottie question look at u omg :o but?? this one is a lil hard bc?? i love them all but if i had to say without thinking, it’d be either dabi, suga, bakugou, or possibly even kuroo. i’m writing for the first three now and honestly? i love playing into their character personalities bc sometimes i take a step back and i’m like... DUDE I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THEIR ENTIRE WORLD?? one word and suddenly someone’s forgotten their entire life, someone’s suddenly in a different town, loves someone else - like i can change anything, so that means i can take those tidbits ab them and then put lessons into them like i’m some best selling author who just wrote the love story she wanted to read as a kid (i’m joking i’ll never be a best seller but i am in my brain okay? OKAY LMAO) (here’s a not so secret secret: bakugou has got a mechanic au goin’ on rn in my wips and when i tell you i’m putting him through the ringer i mean it)

#🧦: pandora’s lounge #👒: my lovely nonnies #📮: pandora’s got mail

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blackrupee · 7 years

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Wow your life sounds complicated right now I'm sorry for that. So you aren't gonna have any managers what the fuck? And OH MY GOD I hate when people come in to eat so close to close!!!! ( I work @ zaxbys) if someone is acting passive aggressive I would act even more passive aggressive- make that bitch regret it- regarding the 2 guys: 2 guys is better than no guys:))) wish the first one didn't pressure you though. How did the 2nd one hurt you? - and I care so don't worry about boring me

hi hello would you like to read a novel on my life thanks i talk too much (tldrs at end)

nah like.. we had been managing with a general manager and 3 assistant managers even though we really need 4 so as not to overwork anyone. we recently hired a new one from a corporate arbys (we’re franchised) and two just quit. like i mentioned, theyre not coming back even though the original plan was that their new jobs would be only temporary (6 weeks). sooooo now we have a general manager who only works weekday day shifts, one assistant manager who is relatively new (she had been working at this place for a while but was promoted to manager 6ish months ago) and another who is brand new but still has some experience. they said theyre looking to promote from within initially, but they might have to hire outside people if no suitable potential manager is picked. id love to get manager pay and its not like managers do anything hard so id be WILLING to be a manager..like the whole reason why i got trained on backline was because we have such a big turnover rate with backline people since it fucking SUCKS and i was wanting to be helpful and flexible. so like. thats what i offerred. but one assistant manager was like “lmao all youd do is swear at the customers” and im like bitch when have i ever?? i talk shit about them all the time but ive only sworn IN FRONT OF a customer twice and neither time was it directed at them. but i mean im sitting on a small handful of customer complaints so its not like the gm would even consider me probably. idk dude. i can be nice if you pay me to be nice. but i get paid to do food and do it fast……….so

but yeah literallyyyyyyyyy i have no idea how people can be so??? inconsiderate???? and they dont??? care??? im learning that my contant frustration with people in my personal interactions is due to a disconnect between what i value in expectations and what actually happens. like. when i go somewhere i already KNOW what i want, so i say it quickly and competently. i preface a lot of my interactions with people im requesting food or services from with “i’m sorry but…”. i phrase things as “could i get” as opposed to “get me” or “i want” which sound HELLA rude tbh. id always have my money ready at the window or the register, im always trying to pay attention and not miss anything or just….be rude in any way bc i know fast food fucking sucks. i know some of the people i interact with probably hate their job as much as i do and i want to be the smallest burden i can be. and it seems like nearly no one else has these same values???? and i dont understand how people can just??? be? so? inconsiderate?

also yes bitch im the queen of passive aggression. literally the night before i was working a short shift and my friend was closing frontline and this bitch was closing drivethrough. i just got the okay to clock out and i was like “bye! have a beautiful night! just know that i love you so much and ive everything ive ever said has always been fake until this point! never meant anything ive ever said until now especially if your name starts with k or ends with ristin (drivethrough girl/the one whos being so difficult is named kristin) but just know that i love you!” and basically being really dramatic and extra as satire.

i guess for context the whole reason she decided to be mad at me was the other night when she was drunk and was like “do you even likeeeeeee meeee i feel like you hateeeee meeee wahh wahh wahhhh” even though im like…..yes bitch i enjoy your company? i joke/use hyperbole/satire/irony/whatever a lot but like occasionally id be like “ey yo you know its all jokes right u know i love u right” just to ensure that she knows but she fucking. ignores it all. i feel like she so desperately WANTS me to hate her and tbh i got fucking sick and tired of hearing her complain all the time about this shit! i fucking hate repeating myself! so sure. if you want me to hate you so fucking much there. i hate you. i fucking hate you so fucking much. like is that what you want to hear? is that validating? are you fucking happy?

its so fucking frustrating

but i will not be held accountable for her decision to be upset. because thats what it is. she wants to be upset, and she wants me to be responsible for it when its literally not my responsibility. i am absolutely not going to stand for this shit like i kind of want to say its emotional abuse lmaooo but im just so fucking sick of it.

everyone knows that i take chicken tenders and turnovers that would be thrown out at the end of the night and she was closing frontline yesterday and made a point to throw out the turnovers right next to me without asking if i wanted any/leaving any for me. i mean i completely expected her to be that petty of a bitch so it was kind of funny tbhonestly. also im p sure she unfollowed me here lmaoo

with regards to the guys and this paragraph could get a bit tmi/nsfw: yeah the first one kind of sucked but i feel like a little bit of the New Person Nerves have worn down so id do better if we were to hookup again. because like i totally would love to have fucked him but…..anxiety. he was hot tho. like 10/10 body and ass holy shit. plus he complimented me on my ass eating so (assuming that was genuine and not a vapid ego boost haha paranoia am i right) hopefully he comes back for seconds.

second guy ive had a longish history with. started talking to him at the beginning of last fall semester and we hooked up kinda regularly for about a month. things fell apart, we both understood that we wouldn’t be good dating wise but still enjoyed meaningless cuddles. whatever. it got to a point where he would only hit me up like once every month and a half or so and towards like january-ish he hits me up again. so im like nice cool lets chill. im getting ready for this but my phone is in the other room. while im doing this he drove by my place to pick me up (since he was on his way back from nashville), didnt get a response to an “im here” text (bc i was busy and tbh not expecting him to do that), and left. he lives within like walking distance tho so im like “?? sorry i was busy are you still out or should i walk over?“ and he texts me like “sorry hold up a thing just happened” and im like…….okay. so im just.. waiting around for him. periodically texting like “hey are we good for tonight and whats going on?” because like there was some drama with his friend? hes like.. apologizing and shit but this goes on for an hour. BUT. the ENTIRE time he’s dealing with this friend problem or whatever he’s literally on grindr. and at the end of this hour im like in full blown paranoia panic mode and i literally text him something mentioning this and he BLOCKS ME ON GRINDR so im like ??????!!!!??? and i text him (all while saying “not to be crazy or paranoid bc im probably coming off that way but like could i get an answer or something??”) AND HE LITERALLY SAYS HE DELETED HIS GRINDR. but thats a LIE because i have a secondary account to see like……if guys are still on grindr/if a thing with a guy might turn into something more like if i see he’s not on grindr as much?? thats prob incredibly stalkerish and probably really creepy but hey. thats me. so i KNOW he lied to me but i cant really say “hey ur a liar” without disclosing this weird creepy stalker part of me (funnily enough this isnt the first time a guy has lied to me and i caught it with my secondary account! so it proves to have some function use in the end. not totally crazy). so. yeah. that was the incident. after this i dont trust him at all, and i still dont, but i had it in my mind to like somehow get him to fall in love with me just so i could break his heart for doing this? never really worked out. so now im at the point where im like….eh he’s a piece of shit and i hate him but ill cuddle with him bc it feels good

back to nsfw/tmi: the sex was okay. he’s weird about people being near his like….dick and stuff because he was raped and i totally get it bc i was too but he was comfortable enough for me to finger him and my finger still hurts from where he clenched when he came lmaoooooo. was totally hot tho. and i got to east his ass so im like eyyyyyyyy. its been so long since ive eaten ass so having it two consecutive nights in a row has been cathartic.

tldr; we have 2 assisant managers and a gm rn. looking for more

tldr; bitch. same.

tldr; he’s a liar

#also anon ilusm i love the attention and you god bless

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enchantechante · 7 years

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22012017 0509

its 330a and i woke up crying.

im still drunk, so i feel like i can be honest now.

i have been trying to ask myself what hurts. everything. everything hurts. and i dont know if im having a depressive episode in the middle of the night or if im just mourning bc my family is back home watching my gma die.

idk if i just have so much unforgiveness in my heart that it just wakes me up out my sleep.

all the demons i need to feed.

i cant remember the last time i spent time with someone who wasnt in their phone. and its becoming hard to distinguish if its a nervous habit or if people rly just rather be in their phone than be fully present w me.

speaking of things that make me feel non essential, i think certain people need people around like a fidget toy. to deflect their nervous energy or something.

esp me.

spending time w me is rly nice for some people bc i can easily have a full conversation abt someone else and be engaged. bc i love ppl. very specifically and devoutly. and ppl can feel that. and i think for people who neglect themselves, my genuine attention quenches something deeper for them.

like an itch they cant seem to scratch on their own.

and for a while ive felt like im a good stepping stone for certain people until they get ahold of themselves, heal and are able to give that genuine attn to someone else.

which is natural i guess. to finally acknowledge i was never all too memorable (to them).

but thats when you can feel good abt something like never speaking to your best friend again.

when you remember how disposable they made you feel.

you’re finally free to find someone who can treat you how you treat them.

even if that person is just you.

and they finally get it and agree to let the friendship die and its like watching everything, all of it, the pain and the pleasure, float off into outter space.

and the terror of when are they gonna hurt you again isnt lingering over your head. you can breathe a little deeper knowing theres one less person whos going to try and tear you down mentally again.

even tho it “wasnt always like that”.

tell me, how many times does someone need to tell you they used to try and make you feel stupid on purpose for you to day dream abt how to get free from that? (not them, as a person but THAT. whatever that thing is that lets “loved ones” go to sleep hurting so our egos can thrive)

if its possible to “bring the abuser out” in a person, i guess i do.

or for him i did.

call me old fashioned but i cant refriend ppl i know need professional psychological assistance and have not yet received it.

but thats nothing new.

i feel free now tho. & that is new.

sad but mostly free.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

since christmas ive started struggling w suicidal ideology again and i see why my therapist made a huge deal abt self care.

bc once you learn to take care of yourself, there is always undoubtedly one person who can back you when you need it. who can love you as you need it.

who you will never be too clingy to. or easily ignored w someones dash/feed/phone/txt.

me loving myself came out of necessity.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i smoke. i drink.

but watching my family suffer, watching them die as she dies, hurts so deep ive stopped enjoying it.

there is nothing chemical or otherwise that can take this away.

i still do it.

but in the way ppl who hate their jobs drink coffee. bc its the only not-so-shitty part. it could be freshly ground & columbian imported.

its just another thing to make the empty feeling inside feel a little less empty.

except my shitty job is living rn.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i dont give people the opportunity to call me “clingy” twice. after the first time i enjoyed your presence and you felt mine was excessive im gon get the fuck on. its becoming hard to distinguish if he just wants to be around bc he’s used to me being around but when we’re actually out, if im beside him clingy.

it makes functions my boyfriends gonna be at w me feel like im going out by myself.

bc who gives someone the opportunity to call them clingy twice...

not in a relationship.

(or anywhere rly).

the race to be at a friends house as soon as i get home. or in another room. the constant desire to be entertained, we cant just sit and actually, you know, just be w each other.

things i enjoy bc i actually like my bf as a person.

theres are ways to be here and gone.

for me to tell you “i miss you” and youre sitting right across from me, in a room where no one else is talking. and im not soft spoken its just one of those here-and-gone things.

i asked him if he heard me tonight and he said he didnt.

i said it wasnt important.

cause it doesnt feel like it is anymore. - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my friend and i are talking again.

and thats the only plus i could give today. the only thing that didnt have a fucked up underside.

i think its hard when youve accidentally hurt someone you care abt and you want to rebuild the friendship you gotta consider why ita such an uphill battle.

but its worth it bc of who he is.

he had so much to mourn. and be angry abt. so much to try and make sense of. and bc he matters to me, i did my very best to understand at any given moment since i hurt him i could be encountering him at any stage of grief.

some of how he feels isnt so much personal to me as it is also apart of unpacking what every thing thats transpired meant to him.

and bc i love him, im patient.

and i will apologize for the rest of my life if i need to. hes too important to not understand how important he is to me.

it means a lot we got to talk today.

- - - - - - - - - - -

also got great advice from bestables. whos subtle love keeps me from feeling like im falling apart from too long. bestables could txt once a week.

bc she gave me love that grew. and we both tend it often and regularly.

bc what she built by design is self-sustaining (sured up w love, trust, understanding, consistency, pure intentions, grace and forgiveness - all that good best friend stuff) she can leave and come back.

she knows how to say or do just a few things here and there, bc she knows me, that keep my heart full.

she is my living example of how to use love to keep a person strong rather than leave them weak (which i think is an over romanticized state to be in bc of “love”).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i deleted a young woman i used to talk to.

and she reached out this evening and we had a v nice talk. she & i have only had a few nice talks, and flirted a bit. but she got some rly dark news.

and she stopped talking to me. which im fine w but it was hard seeing her pop up on fb talking and flirting w all of her other friends.

so i just tried to make a graceful exit and im surprised she noticed.

im kind of at the point in my life tho where if someones gonna be my friend i need them to come on w it.

mentally i dont think i have the energy for one-sided friendships rn.

also: this isolating myself shit? its clutch af.

why? bc ppl rly suck rn. & im so v fragile.

ppl still be like, “how are you?” and if im bein honest i just say “not good.” i feel sick but like its in my heart/mind.

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thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog · 4 years

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rant: relationship, pt 1

okay, so long story short, my friend was going through a hard time with convincing her boyfriend to trust her, that she has no intentions of getting back with her ex.

i wasnt exactly intending on making much of this, but just tell her to break up with the guy,if hes being too much of a toll on her mental health, and if he cant help himself to trust her. because from what i learned, we cannot bring people to trust us, atleast through words. ‘what happened once, always can happen another time’. what ever.

okay, this interaction with me breaking things down to her, got me thinking about various things with my own life and relationship i shared with a close friend of mine. we had troubles with trusting each other, because in a way, we never got to accept each other in the truest sense, when we had the time, and then, when we realised we are too late to repair the damage.so (i guess) we cut it off, we dont talk anymore!

okay, so me, actually talking about this, is because her talking about her relationship made me realise how much my relationship with HIM was very very damn special. im not holding a bias because it involves me, but honestly, i could sense it. our relationship was complicated in many layers, and it was beautiful. not being a masochist, but i liked the hardtimes too, they made me feel alive. we somehow worked together to solve any issue we had, any awkward situation, any sad situation, any fight. yeah, there were times when i used to cry to sleep, hallucinate, shower multiple times to wash off the history, but all, i realised was because i wanted a fresh start a cleaner one.

okay, there was some sort of mental health disturbances for sure, which i believe is something i can never give space for, in my life or functioning. apart from that, i guess we shared a pretty good bond, in the weirdest sense, we’d smoke up, sleep in, eat, listen to music, and talk good stuff on phone.

well, that did get screwed up with a lot of sex in the middle, when all we did was just fuck, and we lost the essence, which was exactly when we started to fall apart. what i felt like could work, just backfired and i myself was in it just for sex, and later on, forgot to give it all a thought, and fell into the spiral of ‘us’ without identifying what we are. rest is history, for another time.

so, talking to my friend, i kept specifying how she might still want to hold on to things they ‘both’ specifically shared, and she tells me, shes got just some mushy conversations about him over ig, and promises of marriage and some stupid plans, which she herself no longer cares about.

i mean, that was not inducted, she said it. so im shamelessly quoting her.

so, now, the question is, why in the world would she want to be with her so called boyfriend? im so pissed. ill explain in detail. ‘

okay, so this isnt any normal everyday blonde im talking about, shes a pretty rational person who claims to have figured out love as a philosophy student. she is committed to this guy, for what you may ask, she dosnt know. im sorry, but i havent been as disturbed and as disappointed in my friends for so long, i can feel my insides move.

back to the question, why in the world would she want to be with her so called boyfriend? which beings me to, ‘why do people want to call partners like that as a boyfriend/girlfriends’ when they dont mean it, or have intentions of sticking to the role?

dont even get me started on the vocabulary these cliches share, i just cannot begin to describe my disdain towards this behaviour, which i cannot pinpoint one specific reason to. i mean, this milllenial lingo itself fucks me up, but this specifically fucks me in the a hole.

so, why do these people not want to go to sleep without hearing a meaningless ‘i love you’? i believe, giving attention is part and parcel of a relationship., and this fucks me up again. why would you crave for fake attention? approval for the sake of approval is not approval enough. fuckers.

and whats with the fun and fancy of being in a relationship to show the world, what a great couple you are? click pictures and fucking post them to get more approval, and do what? climb up a social ladder!

i cannot begin my rant about girls wanting to date, because they want a man in their lives. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? fuck off people. get something serious to concentrate on, in life. read i dont know, existentialism!

okay, we’ll move to me now.

i can say im a sucker, for back talking about my own friend, i honestly dont have many friends who are dating rn, because i am fucking not interested in their fucking private lives. i filtered out gossip-less friends, and who give me brain food to be in my contacts. fucking douches can stay out. but again, i have no problem if you can put your problems in your pockets, dont cry over the advices i give which could have worked, but you chose not to take. and, im not man-hating or love-hating person. trust me, i love the concepts of both. i just never met a man or fall in love. i respect and idealise both so much, that i hate when people disrespect and misuse things for the fukssake.

okay, the reason im ultra pissed is, because what i held with HIM was so fucking precious for me, and if at all i had a chace id want to do it all again, or even start anew with HIM. but people are getting second chances for mundane relationships, and here i lay in my quarantined life, all alone, looking forward for my token number to a neverland.

again, im not hating anything or anyone. because people are complicated, and relationships are another level. you need to find the spark, and work if you feel like its worth it. and i agree, you dont know where youre going until you reach., but there needs to be a spark which you realise once in a while which makese you want to live and share your time with the [person. idk, what or where this is going, but i just want people to find that spark, that person who makes you feel like the mundane everyday things and everyday relationships with people are just bullshit, and gives you an entire new narrative of life, and makes you live and aspire a better life, together.

fuckers, dont commit until then!

peace out!

#sad life #my shit #relationship #dont #commitment #phobia #fuck off #lonely #tree #friend #breakup

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jayxtrejo · 6 years

Text

Unfinished.

I don't know where to begin, I have so many ways to start but I can't seem to find the right one, so let's calls this a paradox. I'm not needy, but I want your full attention. I catch a mood easily if you're not around. Little things bother me & it bothers me more if you don't know why because at times you're the reason behind it. I love spending time with you, but we also need some distance because missing you is painful but the feeling of excitement of getting to see you makes it all worth it. I miss your presence but at times you get on my nerves yet, you're the only person I want around me. So many feelings in one person it's astounding.

Shes is becoming a part of myself everyday that goes by, everyday I see more of myself in her. She’s the better version of me, the areas I lack is what she fills, the upside to my downfall, she’s the calm sea after a thunder storm, she can take something so simple and turn it into the most beautiful thing in the world, I have fallen in love with her soul, a beautiful naive wandering soul, pure of heart.

The past life crept up on me, for some reason, it’s not what I imagined. It’s not a haunting past or disaster, it’s more of an old friend who has come to remind me of the person I am today. Most people look to the past and wish they could change it, I look back and thank it for bringing me the joy and happiness I have this day, the fucked up path I walked that led me on a roller coaster of emotions. They say the journey is always greater than the destination but I big to differ, but my journey was more pain than greatness. It broke me down and molded me, tore me apart and dragged me. It led me to her, thanks to my past, I can give her everything without hesitation. My past made me who I am today, the person she is now in love with.

I’ve reached a point in my life. I’m at peace. Bliss has entered my life, she entered. Theirs days we can’t stand each other, days where we can’t go without seeing each other. I find it cute when she’s throws a fit because I know she cares. She always asks “what are you looking at?” dumbfounded when I just sit and look at her, little does she know I’m picturing my future with her. I have plans for us, plans of a house and a family. Plans to be the reason for her smile for the rest of her life.

You’re my best friend. I love you.

Just thinking about you, I love you.

12/16/18, we hit the year mark. How long will it take, how many more years, months or days till it settles in that you’re now my one true love. I see you in everything I do, the way I walk and talk, the way I see the world has changed. My heart is vulnerable. It’s been a wild ride, but I’m still glad you’re my partner, all the tears shed, the smiles created and the non ending laughs, the long nights and short days, the endless conversations & the silent nights. With every gasp of air I take, it reminds me, I’m just one gasp away from a happily ever after. There’s still much to learn about you, up till now I know you and almost every detail about you, you’re constantly changing giving me new challenges, it’s exciting. You’re careless at times, but overall you mean well. I will be the one to guide you through the dark times. To make sure you smile and the end of the day. Till the end of our days.

Things have been rough. I’m having mini anxiety attacks. You love me then you hate me. Been a rough week but we’re pushing through it. We don’t give up, not when we love like this. But I still know I want you only, forever and a day. If it’s you, it’s worth it.

We are doing good now, things hit the fan but we got through it again, we’re okay. We will be alright. I love you.

I miss you, even though you just left.

I love you.

We’re back in the rough patch, things look for the worse right now. You told me you need time, secretly i think you need me more then ever right now. For the first time in my life I’m scared for us. I’m scared, you’re my bestfriend, my homie, my go to, my rock, my other half and in this case my better half. We’re in muddy water, I feel like I’m drowning, theirs a knot in my throat. For the past days I haven’t been able to function correctly. I’m missing you more than ever. We messed up this time. But we’ll be okay. We have to be.

I miss you

I miss you even more today.

End of day 2 I’m up at 4:27am looking at our pictures.

Day 4 and I’m still not okay. But that’s okay.

God I miss your smile & that dorky laugh.

Today I saw you and cried again. We’re still here but it’s hard.

I want to marry you. I miss you. I love you.

We have been talking more and seeing each other constantly. You’re still not really here but you’re here, my heart is happy when you’re next to me. I can tell because all I can do is smile like a kid at a candy store.

Things have gotten a bit better, you’re still my happiness & future.

I heard your laugh again, my heart melted.

Today we talked again, more became clear. I’m still sure I want to marry you.

You just left home and I told you about my old friend and what he told me. I told you why you are my choice, I hope you understand what I meant. Because this is a forever thing.

I got to hold you and hear you laugh again, I got to kiss and touch and feel your body against mine once again. Things still are unsettling but we’re getting better.

I love you, I miss you.

Things are getting better. Praying for even better days. I love you.

Friday night, I’m sitting outside with my thoughts and a wish that you’ll just be here with.

I want you here with me, I miss you.

It’s 4:17 you just got done venting to me and I’m sorry you had a rough night but I’ll make it better. I’m currently still on the phone with you till you fall asleep, I miss you. I love you

4:59 still on the phone, you’re asleep and I hear you snoring haha, I love you

Torn between two places, your heart and myself

One day if lord grants me life our kids will read this and know how rough we had it but also understand how hard we fought and how strong we became

Things are starting to settle in

The concept of you not being here no more is becoming more and more real

I love you

You’re distancing yourself little by little, it’s killing me slowly, I notice the small changes, the little things, the start of lack of attention and affection, the empty kisses, the comforting words

Esos detallas se te están olvidando.

Moments are becoming twice as special, why? Because before they were special because I knew their was more to come but now, now they’re twice as special because I don’t know if they’ll ever happen again, so I gotta cherish every moment even more.

I’m blind to the bullshit I can’t see. I can see some differences, the smile on my face every time you call, the way you’d pick me up every time I’d fall, I love you, I’m not giving up on us. I didn’t give up the first time around and I’m not now.

Try as I might I still can’t seem to wrap my head around what it is you truly desire. Maybe I’m just the comfort you want but not the person you need. Maybe you just need SOMEWHERE to call home and not SOMEONE. Maybe you’re not okay with the fact of leaving everything I provide but your okay with leaving me. Maybe just maybe.

I miss you, I’m in tears again. You’re so close yet so far.

We just went to get your hair done, you’re looking beautiful as always and even more radiant. God you’re gorgeous. I’m in love all over again.

Fighting for your heart I just wanna be with you, we gotta make it through.

It’s 5:17am I cant sleep, been up all night just thinking of you, you’re such a beautiful thought that runs through my head all the time. But you’re also the reason I can’t sleep at night, I need you here with me.

You’re the best part of my days.

You look so gorgeous right now, you’re so peaceful when you sleep.

My heart hurts still, but it’s okay we’re going to get through this.

I keep over thinking and it’s killing me slowly.

I can’t wait to marry you and have little babies.

I love you.

——————

Maybe... maybe you were right

You were right..

It’s time for you to come to me, im going to give you what you want & asked for. I will no longer stand and be made less of the man i rightfully am and I will not be allowed to be stripped away of what I had sought out to be my future. Now it’s your turn, for better or for worst, it’s in your hands. I just want you to know that I didn’t give up. I never did.

Nothing is set in stone yet your words hit like rocks. The pain is the size of mountains, grand and long lasting, hard and to the point. Day by day.

Day by day

You are my all, my world, my love, my heart, my one and only, my better half, you are my breath of fresh air, my happiness and sorrow, my hope and devastation, my ups and downs. You are my everything.

I long for a random phone call from you, one of those “I just wanted to see and hear your voice” type calls.

I long to hear an “I miss you”

I long to hear an “I need you come quick”

I long to hear... to hear you in all your glory.

Maybe im a fool, maybe. But i would rather be a fool in love and lost the game to have never have loved at all.

Miss me like I miss you. Love me the way I do you. Cherish me. Appreciate me. Hold me. Hold me for no given reason. Hold me for a goofy reason. Kiss me just because. Kiss me because you miss me. Hug me. Just hug me, it means more than you think. Pick me up when I’m down. Stay.

I want you to long for me most of all.

These changes I can’t take it. Small.

I love you. God I fucking miss you.

I’m in tears again.

Don’t push me away.

I miss you..

We’re on the phone rn, you’re talking to me and owning up a little by little, it’s great, really great. I love hearing your voice even if your talking about problems

I love you.

Days are starting to get lonely.

I missing you a little extra today.

Damn.

My heart melts when you call me “bby”

Crazy how such small words have big effects on my mood. You still can change my mood in an instance. You told me you’re gunna come later to give me hugs y besos. I’m excited but I’m not counting on it 100% because I know something might come up.

You came, you actually came. You made me so happy, I’m glad you came I’m so happy you did. I adore you.

I’m back alone with my thoughts, it’s dangerous.

Been a few days since I last wrote, I just can’t find the words anymore.

I’m at a loss now..

I’m sorry.

——————

You’ll get what you want, be smooth.

I was always told too stay back and watch how people move, their actions will show what place they want in your life. Tread softly.

I think it’s time for you to come through and for me to back up. I’ve been suffocating you trying to steer you in the right path but in the end it’s honestly up to you yo ya que puedo hacer, my efforts are meaningless. I’ve been trying so hard for what? For you to stay stuck on what was and not what is.

If you wanted me their, I’d be their and that says it all.

Waiting for the day when I become your priority and get what I truly deserve. Not what you think I deserve.

I love you...

I hate being alone with my thoughts at times but time and loneliness seem to be the only two that understand and listen to me.

I can honestly say it’s just becoming more and more clear each day.

Your actions and decisions will tell me the truth behind all your words. Meaningless words, I’m watching your actions.

I can feel this note coming to its final writing days, it’s named “unfinished” yet every time I write I feel closer to being, done...

When I become a priority a world of opportunity will open and it will be beautiful

Time and place, time and place

Today I was off, i don’t know what’s going on, I caught a feeling of rejection and denial, I felt like throwing up again I hate feeling this way.

Just saw you, you looked beautiful as always

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