#but idk why it's assumed to be just like. a regular part of any medical exam.

[shadow-singer123]

Guys this is a reaaaally long rant, read if you will. God help me I did Not pull any punches. Note: this is Not proof read, I assume there are some serious grammatical and spelling errors in here (sorry 'bout that)

When you're younger no one really tells you any details about your period, at least that was my experience, any information was vague, there was no 'this is happening because of this, these are some things that could happen, and they're completely normal. But here are some things that aren't normal that you'd want to go to the doctor for' it was just 'you will bleed for about a week once a month for most of the rest of your life, your period will become regular in a little while, you might get mood swings' and idk about you guys, but that's not good enough, I, as a child, deserved to know the details about what was going to happen, not vague shit like this. And I get that teaching 11 and 12 year old about menstruation and puberty is not the most comfortable or easy thing you will ever do in your life, but its so much better to tell the kids exactly what happens and why it happens. For the first six years that I had my period, it came at random times each month, I was worried there was something wrong because no one told me 'hey, your period will take a few years to come at the same time each month' ,

Around that time I had a Severe iron deficiency. Severe like I struggled to physically lift myself up in the mornings, I was shaking, my vision was tunnelling in class, I actually could not understand what the sentences on the board meant (I could read the words, I knew what they meant individually, but I could not on my mothers grave figure out what the sentence meant). I didn't actually realise there was something wrong, that was just life. Didn't help that my teacher was shit and gave me some trauma that took years to get through. Thankfully my mom took me to get my blood tested, I was nearly anaemic, I was so close to that and I can't even. (this was caused by heavy periods btw, it sounds random and out of context but I swear there's a point)

When I did get my period it was heavy, going through multiple night pads a day, and I had intense cramps. Long story short it took four years for me to realise that that amount of pain was Not Normal and I went to the doctor, my choices were going on a hormonal birth control pill (at 14 that is bullshit) or taking this other thing that I don't know what its called that was made specifically for reducing heavy bleeding and cramps. As much as I am so grateful it exists and I live in a place where pads and tampons and pain medication is so easily accessible, I still find myself outraged that there is not more research into menstruation and its side effects (PMS, cramps, comment more etc.) and even just female health in general. Whenever I go to search up why the fuck I get such extreme mood swings and There Is Nothing, I could not find a single research paper, study, investigation, experiment on PMS, Nothing At All. And it pisses me off, we are such a huge part of this society, and yet we are still not enough of a priority to warrant even the most basic medical studies into things that severely impact the Majority of the female population. And I don't know, but I just feel so defeated when I think about all the papers and studies on any single thing men go through, they can find what's happening to them no matter what, so rarely do they have to go digging through even the second page on google to find whats happening to their body, and the best I can get are other women sharing their experience (and I Love them, but where is the professional research?) and how they deal with it. Men just say, oh calm down, you're being dramatic, it's just hormonal changes in the brain, we don't know any more than this because we can't be bothered. We as women have been trained to accept intense pain and being pushed aside as a part of life that is inescapable, and men have been trained to reenforce this shit, it's not necessarily their fault -there are So Many factors that go into all of this, and playing the blame game doesn't work- but I just can't. I wish I could be the woman that gets a whole PHD and does ground breaking studies into women's bodies and all the things that men never bothered to research -because we didn't tell them, and when we did they didn't believe us- but I'm not and as stupid as it sounds that breaks my heart, because I will never be that person, but I hope to God that someone is because I hate living in a world that does not know what's happening to me and so many other women, that doesn't care about us.

My Lord there are so many other things I want to write about, but I don't want to post something that absolutely no one will read. Here are some more issues and other shit:

the fact the pads were never tested with blood

the extreme options placed on expecting mothers

the severe lack of support for new parents

the push for abortion to be the cure-all for anything baby related when so many women have come out traumatised and regretting it

the people who are putting women against each other

rape and sexual assault

porn

the fashion industry sexualising children and everyone somehow being ok with it

Trans-women, because no matter what anyone says we do need to talk about this, it is not black and white as some people would make it out to be

Religious women being persecuted and looked down upon for deciding to be modest, the automatic assumption that we are forced to cover up

Religious extremest parents raising their children with perverted and exaggerated beliefs about the part women and men ought to play.

the judgement on mothers that decide to quit their job to raise their children and take care of their family

the judgement on mothers that decide to go back to work after having a kid

People attacking families who decide to keep traditional gender rolls in their household.

[mixelation]

TODAY ON FANDOM VS BIOETHICS (DOUBLE HEADER):

1. It’s a common “fix-it” in Naruto fics to just have...... Orochimaru use consenting test subjects. Like, that’s it. The MC goes “yooo what if you asked permission first?” and then dusts their hands off as a job well done. Like it’s an improvement but it’s not even close to all the things you’d need to have in place for ethical biomedical research and i always get a kick out of all the in-universe characters (and sometimes commenters??) acting like it is. why won’t you deliver me a ninja village institutional review board, fandom. smh

2. It’s pretty common in Star Wars time travel fics for there to just be spontaneous ancestry.com genetic testing on time travelers, frequently without their permission or knowledge. You know it’s very weird and kind of fucked up to do that sort of genetic analysis on non-consenting patients, right? Like why are we assuming it’s standard procedure in-universe to just run a paternity test as part of a medical exam. Like does the Galactic Republic just keep a database of all Jedi DNA and then just run everyone against it like YOOOOO GUESS WHAT YOU CAME IN FOR A STANDARD LIPID PANEL AND YOU’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT YOU’RE YODA’S THIRD COUSIN. i realize we live in the 23andme era but also please let us take a moment to reflect on what you’re implying here lmao

#i don't mind the second one if it's TREATED like sneaky behavior #but idk why it's assumed to be just like. a regular part of any medical exam. #i'm sorry but you're going to have to do several thousand words of worldbuilding on the history of galactic bioethics #and also why that would even get tacked on as part of a regular hospital visit #'calcium levels. blood glucose levels. you're closest genetic relatives--' WHY #i guess if they were trying to ID an unconscious person you could swing this but i still think it's WEIRD when it's like #'no match but we did determine his Y-chromosome came from Anakin Skywalker' like why did you go that far hfdjsflh #i mean apparently it's a-ok to commission several million sapient clones to then use as soldiers in universe BUT LIKE...!!! WHY!!!!! #....similarly: the first one would be fine if it was like. trying to show that the MC doing to fixing also has no idea #what would go into ethical human research lmao

[phoenixyfriend]

Togruta Marking Headcanons (Evolutionary and Epigenetic)

Okay, so the question is:

Do you think togruta markings are purely genetic or partly genetic and partly influenced by the environment?

e.g. a stressful adolescence leads to more complex markings/breakage

This conversation was had in large part on discord with @atagotiak and @dracothulhu.

Striation and Complexity

Now, my take comes entirely from Ahsoka having VERY complicated markings compared to Shaak, but we played around with it and had a lot of fun tangling out some headcanons that aren't really supported by canon, but aren't voided by it either. Also it makes time travel fun.

(Shaak Ti looks at time traveled Ahsoka and goes "Oh dear. You okay, honey?" The answer is always No.)

(This is actually EXACTLY why I was hoping there's a combined genetic/environmental factor, so any given time-travel Ahsoka has a different pattern, to some degree, from her younger self so that they can say "IDK, maybe we're cousins?" instead getting side-eyed for having Identical Marks.)

(Happy AU Ahsoka ends up with smooth rings instead of what almost looks like blue veins in marble? It would also probably make time-traveling Ahsoka’s bad future story seem a lot more real.)

Reference image:

So like these three with their clean lines and stuff probably grew up ok, as much as their lives suck now.

Some of the complexity of the markings is definitely genetic, especially with face markings. 14 yo Ahsoka has some significant complexity there already, and while she’s got early childhood trauma from that one time she was kidnapped, she otherwise seems to have been fairly happy and healthy as a child in the Temple.

On the other hand, her lekku markings do go from fairly smooth and even to really jagged looking.

My thoughts are that facial striation is indicative of stressors in childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, but Montral/Lekku striation indicative of adulthood stressors (and maybe some late teens).

The adult/child distinction in striation is imo because their faces mostly stop growing after they hit adulthood, but there's more growth in the montrals and lekku.

So Shaak has a lot of striation on her montrals because adult Jedi Masters, with field work on the regular, encounter a lot of stressful situations (more dangerous missions, raising a padawan). But her childhood and adolescence, while occasionally adrenaline-heavy on missions with her Master, were usually no more stressful than one would get with, say, hunting lessons on Shili, so her markings end up very simple and blocky on her face and more detailed on her montrals and lekku.

If if we assume that the Montral tips are the later stressors showing, then it’s plausible Shaak Ti’s got a lot of little markings partly because of the stress of being a council member. Sure it’s not life threatening but the stress of a high-pressure administrative position is still stress.

(And the three ladies here probably start getting a little more fragmentation in the years after the Zygerria arc, assuming they survived.)

It doesn’t look like a lot, compared to Ahsoka at least, but there’s a moderate amount.

Between the beskar and the complex facial markings and lekku striations, I feel like other Togruta tend to give Ahsoka a lot of respect as a warrior.

Doesn't matter that she isn't wearing Akul teeth! Whatever! She clearly knows her shit!

It could be a byproduct of evolving as a communal species. Like yes, striation is good for hiding when you hunt, but seeing complex patterns on a child's face can indicate an unhealthy home life or otherwise invisible medical problems. In that context, Togruta in general watch out for complex facial patterns as a sign of child abuse.

(Obviously not foolproof but it seems like a reasonable option.)

A more stressful childhood could be indicative of low food security, and then evolution led to the marking complexity to make hunting easier in response. Tddlers and babies with early complexity might have had mothers with food insecurity or high adrenaline levels in pregnancy, too. It’d be difficult to pinpoint a specific pressure that caused it, but there’s definitely a lot of reasons it was advantageous to keep in the gene pool.

(Baby Anakin didn't know a lot of togruta growing up but I imagine most of them were heavily striated, so in those time-travel AUs, he doesn't understand the big deal with Fulcrum's markings until someone explains...)

(Slaves had stressful lives all around, and slavers liked it when togruta girls had complicated markings, they were considered Prettier, so this... worked out for them and Nobody Else.)

(If he noticed that other Togruta he’s seen since, like Shaak Ti or other Jedi or some civilians he’s met, seem to have less striation he maybe just assumed it was genetics and didn’t question it further?)

Montral Shape and Lekku Length

Another interesting thing is just the massive variation in montral shape.

My guess, personally, is that it's regional evolution. Did your ancestors live in an area with lots of trees, or was it more canyons, or maybe grasslands? It was an evolutionary reaction to how sound bounced around in your area.

In regards to lekku, even ignoring the live action stuff, Rebels Ahsoka has smaller lekku than Shaak Ti does. And some of that could be partly random chance and partly because Shaak Ti of age, but some people also think it’s partly malnutrition. I've personally been assuming it's just age and genetics, but...

We do see a significant lekku length disparity by gender, like these images:

To which I suggest:

...trans Ahsoka, whose lekku started growing out a little late because that's when she started estrogen (or the Togruta equivalent). There are a few male togruta with long lekku, but it seems pretty common for them to have short ones, so maybe they're transmasc.

#togruta #Ahsoka Tano #Shaak Ti #screen analysis #character analysis #evolution #epigenetics #headcanons #Phoenix Posts #star wars #the clone wars #I'm not married to any particular trans headcanons but I think it's a fun option here #child abuse mention

[writer-loogi2]

♡︎𝚁𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚘𝚖 𝙿𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝙼𝚒𝚌 𝙷𝙲𝚜 ( 𝚙𝚝. 3 )♡︎

A/N: Welp, I did another one of these! I believe this will be the last one ( with Present Mic at least ) since I can't think of anymore headcanons for him..

I hope you enjoy these- ( and if you have any headcanons you'd like to tell me, don't be shy and drop them in the ask box! Keep in mind I'll use them as reference! )

♡︎𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎: Read part one [ here! ] Read part two [ here! ] Read part four [ here! ]

♡︎♡︎♡︎

♡︎𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝: Random Present Mic headcanons ( part three!! )

♡︎𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐!! None, just funny crap-

♡︎♡︎♡︎

( ♡︎𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚞𝚝!♡︎ )

• Okay so for my first headcanon. I do remember saying in one of my posts, that he owns a motorcycle, well now I change my mind, instead he actually owns two!

• ^He has a regular motorcycle that he doesn't use, he just kinda has it for decoration, but the other one ( that he does use, mind you ) is one of those motorcycles with the long ass handlebars. ( He looks really funny when he's riding it )

• I dunno why, but I kinda feel like Present Mic is the type of guy that when he gets a sunburn, he's red as a fucking tomato the first day, but the next day he's completely normal. Mans can't even get a tan.. 😔

• Hardly ever gets sick, but when he does, he makes a huge fuss about it. He also hates taking medication ( at least if its pills, he'll drink any type of medicine, but he's tired of taking pills )

• Totally random but his fangs are a bit sharp- ( it's not like he has vampire teef ok? It's only a little bit- )

• This is not exactly a headcanon perse, but if Present Mic had an aesthetic, I think it would be either glitchcore or vaporwave. Idk, I think it suits him.

• Ooh ooh! I got one. He really likes flowers! He won't admit it, but his favorite are yellow petunias.

• DADMIC HC!! He totally plays dress up and has tea parties with Eri. Like this grown ass man will wear a pink frilly skirt, a tiara, some fairy wings and go to tea parties with Eri's stuffed animals.

• ( It's even funnier when Aizawa walks in on him doing that- )

• He's all like: "What on Earth are you doing?"

• And 'Zashi will respond with: "I'm havin' a tea party with Eri, duh!! What does it look like I'm doin'??"

• *Insert confused Aizawa*

• Okay now back to the headcanons-

• Alright so I know it's canon that Present Mic kinda has a thing against Jirou, especially after the whole bug incident. I wouldn't say he hates her but he doesn't exactly like her either ( it's stated in One's Justice 2, and for some reason he views himself as 'superior' that her. Like bruh he's so full of himself lmao ) anyway, so like I know he doesn't like her, but I like to think that despite him disliking Jirou a bit, he genuinely cares about her and thinks she'll be a great hero someday.

• Absolutely looks good in any green clothing ( you can't change my mind )

• And finally, this headcanon is kinda gross, but I think that he's a messy eater. Well at least sometimes, but it's still gross seeing this man with his face full of crumbs or pizza grease sjsjsj 😖

♡Bonus..♡

• I stated before that I headcanon that Present Mic in his teen years used to do a lot of graffiti. ( he probably owned a skateboard as well and would ride it to school like the rad little dude he was )

• And a totally random and stupid headcanon, but Present Mic owns a keytar and he knows how to play it very well. ( not a lot of people know he can play it btw, people just assume he's only good a being a DJ- )

A/N: Oof, so I got kinda lazy with these headcanons, but I did have a bit of fun while writing them!

I just wish I had more but I can't think of anything else, so I might just end the random Present Mic headcanons right here.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

°.♡┈┈∘*┈୨୧┈*∘┈┈♡.°

♡︎𝙼𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝♡︎

#by neko loogi #do not repost #headcanons #mha headcanons #present mic headcanons #present mic #🎁🎤

[imnotoverlyobsessive]

Lost in Translation: Author’s Note

PART ONE PART TWO PART THREE AUTHOR’S NOTE TRANSLATIONS ON AO3

Yes, I know it’s OOC. I hope you like it anyway, but if you don’t, please do keep in mind that I originally wrote it for my eyes only, and possibly a couple of friends.

It has, like, half of the kinks I have.

Yes, I’m aware it’s prolly the most graphic smut in this fairly tiny fandom. You’re fucking welcome.

It’s overdramatic. I’m aware of this. I love drama.

It is indeed an AU! For one, he’s six years older than her instead of just three, and obviously the plot goes differently. She’s thinking that, for him, it’s more of a marriage of convenience, albeit one that takes place because he cares for her and her family and doesn’t feel comfortable leaving all of them without a surefire way of them being cared for. She’s assuming that he simply doesn’t trust Fred to take care of her and be good to her and take care of her family, and while she’s correct in that, he also proposes because he’s in love with her. He’s just not super communicative of that fact.

Some of the clothing-related stuff I have here is from what I recall from my costume design class, in which we studied clothing styles from many different time periods (what types of bustles were popular and when, that sort of thing), and for the rest is from research on the clothing of the time, which is 1870.

I didn’t mean to write a The Notebook style ending. It just happened. I make no apologies.

Laurie lives until the age of 89, dying in 1933. Amy dies a few months later at the age of 83. And before anyone questions if just saying “peace out, I’m done” and dying is something people actually do when their spouse dies, let me assure you that it absolutely is. It happened to my great-grandmother. When you’ve spent the vast majority of your life with somebody, so long that you cannot remember what life was like without them, sometimes life is no longer something you’re interested in. I’m not saying Amy committed suicide. She didn’t. I’m saying she was like, “alright, I’m good, see you bitches on the other side”, went to bed, and that was that.

They weren’t really all that affected by the Great Depression, because fuck you that’s why.

Yes, I know that canonically, they had one child. This is because Alcott died unmarried in 1888, and therefore very likely had little to know knowledge of sex. Women were not educated on sex hardly at all, and what they were told was on the eve of their wedding, if my understanding is correct. Therefore, she wouldn’t have known that two people in love would want to have a lot of sex, and since, at the time, most people didn’t use birth control, they’d probably have a fair number of kids. After six, Laurie started pulling out, at least until Amy hit menopause. And, yeah, they continued having sex even after menopause. My grandparents had sex right up until my granny died at the age of 77, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they continued until their health started failing.

Yes, Amy was a vocal supporter of women’s suffrage and the early African-American rights movement. Laurie was a vocal supporter of the latter as well, and the former he was mostly like, “if you think women should vote, I’ll trust your judgment” because he pretty much accepted anything and everything she said cause boy was w h i p p e d

Idk how much Italian Laurie would know, if any, but kids learn languages ridiculously fast, so as long as he learned it consistently from a fairly early age, he probably still knows most of it. Especially if he used it regularly, which, in New York and traveled Europe, he probably did.

A little about the sex. So, some PSA’s: pee after having penetrative sex, regardless of what type of genitalia you have! Vagina-havers especially, but penis-havers should, too! Sex isn’t supposed to hurt, and hymens aren’t really that big of a deal. I think a tampon broke mine, if I had one at all, and my childhood best friend broke hers at the age of eight while horseback riding. If Amy was born with one (which not everyone is), she probably broke it at a fairly young age from some strenuous activity or other. Now, sex can hurt under specific circumstances. Sometimes there’s a medical condition, so if you’re having regular pain, see a doctor. If you’re having bleeding, see a doctor. What is normal is pain if there’s not enough lubricant, natural or otherwise. Not all vaginas produce a lot of lubricant, and that’s totally fine. She does here cause it’s easier to write that way, but like. A lot of people just don’t produce much no matter how aroused they are, and there’s nothing wrong with you if that’s the case. Don’t let anybody tell you different. Now, it’s also normal to have some muscular pain the first couple of times you have sex, or even if it’s been awhile. This isn’t necessarily a “loss of virginity” thing, but more of (as I understand it) a muscle memory thing. The vagina just has to learn and adapt, that’s all. I strongly suspect that that and the lube issue are where the whole “pain of losing virginity” came from. It’s a little difficult for Amy because she hasn’t had much of anything up there, so it takes her a few minutes to adjust. What she experiences here is almost exactly like my first experience with PIV sex. Not everyone can orgasm during penetration, or even likes orgasming during penetration, and that’s okay. Whatever your preferences are for sex, there’s nothing wrong with you.

#shut up maggie #my writing #amy x laurie fanfiction #little women fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #amylaurie #amy x laurie #amy march #theodore laurence #author’s note

[jojotichakorn]

ok , like one person asked ( thanks @jinkister ) , and believe me i don’t need to be begged to speak about whatever bullshit of the day i thought of . so , let’s talk about why i think an engineering major is such a common choice for characters in thai dramas ( as well as why it’s not an accidental choice , and why it makes complete sense ) . there is a tl;dr at the end , if you just want the gist of it .

there are three parts to this , and they work soundly to create this overwhelming amount of engineering students .

part 1 : lichrally just statistics

you know what the three of the most popular fields of study are in thailand ? dentistry , nursery and - you guessed it - engineering . if you go to thailand ( or come out of the house if you’re already there ) and survey fifty random people on the street , a big percentage of them will be engineering students . there are a lot of them in real life as well !

part 2 : no requirements - no problems 

let’s be honest , anyone can be an engineering student . a lot of other majors require something , while you literally don’t need to be or do or want anything specific to be an engineering student . 

take for example 2gether . tine is a law student and sarawat is a political science student . * insert laugh track here * no , but seriously . no offense , but you’ll have better chances of winning a case with no lawyer at all , if someone is suggesting tine should defend you in court . and it’s easier to imagine a bear on a bicycle than sarawat being a politician . both these majors ( and future careers ) require certain personality traits , certain actions , certain views . and sure , sometimes people are forced to study something they don’t want by their parents or whatnot , but that’s something the writer needs to mention and get into in order for the majors to make sense . and why waste time on that , when they can have a major that doesn’t need an explanation ?

or remember any business major we’ve had . it’s tine from love by chance , it’s phu from oxygen , it’s dean from until we meet again - they all have something in common . they are either an asshole or have the demeanor of an asshole , and/or are very rich . once again , this traps a character in certain circumstances that need to be met in order for the character to make sense . and unless the writer’s idea of this character’s personality lines up with this stereotype of the major , there is no reason to bend over backwards including it and defying the stereotype , when the writer can use a major that allows them to choose whatever they want for their character , no strings attached .

and then if we take something like 2moons ( as well as 2moons2 and gen y , jesus christ how many adaptation does that novel have ? ) , we have a few medical students there . and them studying , passing exams , not seeing their friends and/or partners for days because of school is an actual thing that happens more than once . why ? because you can get away with not studying too hard , if you are studying anything , but medicine . if you are a medical student and you are not fucking dying studying , you are not going to be a medical student for long . this can obviously work in favor of the story if the writer specifically decides on their characters being medical students and wants to add everything that comes with it to their story , and use it to its advantage . but if they are just planning to put their characters in a university setting because it’s very flexible and can fit pretty much any story into it , they need to find an undemanding major for them , so they could do anything at all with them .

and engineering ? lichrally doesn’t demand anything , my guy . name one stereotype about engineering students , or one thing they all have in common . you can’t think of anything , because there isn’t anything .

part 3 : what do they do ? no really , what do they do ?

listen , engineering must have something to do with math . i know it does . do they like ,,, work with graphs and shit ? idk , maybe ? IDK WHAT THEY DO , OK ? NO ONE DOES . NO ONE CARES .

if you look at a lot of other majors , you know what they do and what they are experts at . for example , i am a linguistics student . so you can assume i know languages . and you’d be right - i know two fluently , i am in the process of learning a third and i know bits and pieces of some others . languages are a big part of my life . if someone is an art student , it’s obvious they are good at drawing / sculpting / whatever artsy thing and it’s a big part of their life . same goes for music students and singing / playing instruments / whatever musical thing , etc. etc. this is likely to come up . it’s realistic for these things to come up quite often in that person’s life . which means the writer has to include them in the story , if they want it to be immersive and realistic . 

now , you look at engineering students and think “ well , i guess this one must be good at math “ . does math ever come up in real life ? no , certainly not the kind they are working with . high school lied to you , ok ? math doesn’t matter , it’s bullshit . the only way you can maybe use math in your day-to-day life is to count something simple like money , and i’m pretty sure studying engineering doesn’t constitute counting simple numbers without a calculator . it has no effect on real life , certainly not on situations that would be shown in a romantic drama . therefore , unlike so many other majors , it once again has very little effect on the story .

tl;dr engineering is the only major that is 1) statistically one of the three most common majors in thailand , 2) can be realistically chosen by a person with any sort of personality and background and 3) doesn’t affect regular every-day situations . all of this allows a character the writer is creating to be absolutely anything they want , with no expectations , explanations or restrictions .

#archer speaks

[greywindys]

PLEASE go off on a tangent about murdoc and depression i will love you forever

Hey there! Yeah, no problem. For me, a lot of it comes from the fact that PTSD’s (which I believe he has) most common comorbidities include depression and alcohol use disorder among other diagnoses. So, idk, I’ve kinda just assumed he has it, even though it isn’t something that’s been shown directly. It isn’t like he’s said, “I feel depressed” or “I laid in bed all day today,” etc. But I’ll list some of the things that set off alarms in my head below. TW for: discussion of drug and alcohol use and suicide. 

1. His alcoholism and general substance abuse. Alcohol is one of the more common substances people use to self-medicate. Regular consumption of alcohol changes the chemistry in the brain, decreasing the levels of the brain chemical serotonin. Serotonin is thought to regulate anxiety, happiness, and mood (though we commonly associate it with the feeling of happiness). Conversely, low levels of the chemical are correlated with worse depression. So when someone self-medicates with alcohol, what often results is a cycle in which they drink to relieve depression, which causes serotonin levels in the brain to be depleted, leading to one feeling even more depressed, which in turn leads to them drinking even more alcohol to feel less depressed. Murdoc is drunk...most of the time we hear from him. He drinks a lot. Russel mentioned him wetting himself while he was passed out once, though I’m sure it’s happened more than once. That’s like, really sad, and I don’t mean that in a mocking way. It’s literally sad (imo). An additional sample of him using it to self-medicate:

Additionally, he has admitted to mixing his alcohol with Xanax (per P3 interviews) and rohypnol:

Which is incredibly dangerous. This drug is illegal in America and is more commonly known as a date-rape drug. He’s literally knocking himself out at times. I can’t imagine how terrible he’s feeling at times that he resorts to doing that? Doing this risks slowing breathing and/or heart rate as well, so whether it’s subconscious or not, he isn’t showing much regard for his own well-being, despite his bragging in interviews. 

2. Implications that he’s been suicidal and/or experiences suicidal ideation. Okay. I don’t have the exact source for this one, but I distinctly remember seeing it at some point, and it’s been corroborated by enough people that I feel comfortable saying it here. There’s a picture of his hotel room circa phase 2 that has a noose hanging from the ceiling. Additionally, he has a shotgun in his room in P4 accompanied by bullet holes in the ceiling. You could argue that this could be for any reason (i.e. dumb drunken antics), but when you put it together with his observed behavior, as well as the fact that P4 takes place right after P3, where he just wrote an album about regret then, well, there’s, at the very least, room for interpretation here. And then we have this from P2:

Could be sarcasm, could be a jab at the interviewer, but it could also be another instance where he’s incredibly direct and truthful, but wouldn’t expand on it if you asked him. He’s done that before when talking about the diner lady as well as his father. Many of his self-disclosures are done in this manner.

3. He’s just...on his own a lot? This is more speculation on my part, but I think about him having the Winne in parts 1 & 2 and how physically distant that kept him from the band. Idk, it comes across as social withdrawal to me, esp since we know from how much he lost it on PB that Murdoc, though he may not admit it, needs, and wants human interaction the same way the rest of us do. I see it again kinda sorta in Song Machine. He’s gone from determined to figure out these portals, to, from what it looks like, essentially giving up and locking himself in a closet for weeks on end. Initially, this can be seen as funny, but it’s also kinda far away from the Murdoc who used to pursue his goal to ridiculous, at times unethical, means. Of course, Song Machine is still going, but he seems out of sorts to me now, too. Rn, I’m connecting it to loss of direction and identity as he loses his perceived leadership of the band, but who knows what will happen.

4 Other symptoms he’s shown or reported over the years: agitation, excessive crying, irritability, insomnia, anxiety, lack of concentration. He goes to great lengths to hide it, but imo, he really struggles a lot (this is why I often write him as a kind of a mess when he isn’t drunk - he uses it to avoid and suppress everything). I’m also going to add the disclaimer that this is just one way to interpret/understand him if you so desire.

#asks. #Anonymous #ref #long post #emo about murdoc as usual #discussion

[robin-the-enby]

Confusing feelings p.2

Pairing: Abe Sapien x OC

Summary: The Kelpie is brought to BPRD, but doesn't want to talk. Abe is called to get information through skin to skin contact, but he has other plans.

Warnings: talk about pollution (idk if that counts), injury, claustrophobia

A/N: So, I decided to make a second part to this, because it feels like I've read all Abe fanfics on this platform and this beautiful man deserves more love. This is very probably the last part, mainly because I haven't decided if I just want to put my OC in the plot of the Hellboy movies or if this is an AU. And when I decide, I'm going to write it on Wattpad, because I have this blog for oneshots only, I feel like making series here would just be messy. Ok, thanx for reading the rant no one asked for ^^

Gifs are in no way mine

* * * * *

The cell was cold and dry. It didn't have any windows to look out from, so it must have been underground. There was a door, but it was locked, she already tried.

The Kelpie was confused. She didn't know where she was and neither did she know what everything around her was. The air felt different, so she couldn't be home. She wasn't covered in the black goo anymore, but her back was aching dully as she sat on the cold, hard floor. However, it was better then when she was moving. When she wasn't still as a statue, pain shot from her back into the rest of her body.

She tried to take in her surroundings. That didn't take a lot of time though. There were gray walls, gray ceiling, gray floor and the door.

Next she focused on herself. She remembered a great pain as she carried the girl into the lake. Unfortunately she wasn't able to see her back. She looked down. Around her chest was a white cloth and another piece of fabric was covering her intimate parts.

Panic shot through her like a bullet. She closed her eyes and took in a shaky breath. She couldn't concentrate on anything but how tight the fabric suddenly felt on her body. It brought up flashbacks, shards of memories burried deep in her mind. She felt tied up, the fabric becoming tighter and tighter every second and she couldn't breathe.

Although her eyesight was blurry with tears, she noticed the door opening and people rushing in her cell, coming closer and closer, trying to talk to her and touching her. But she couldn't make out anything but gibberish.

Abe was acting out of character ever since they came back from the mission in Scotland and agents were starting to notice. The first to notice his strange behaviour were his closest friends, Hellboy and Liz.

He couldn't concentrate for more than thirty seconds, his thoughts trailling off somewhere where no one could follow. Something was on his mind and nobody was able to find the thing, which seemed to trouble him so much.

But Hellboy was getting fed up. He wasn't angry at Abe, the only thing he felt for his friend right now was worry, but he has been worrying so much for so long he became angry at whatever it was that plagued Abe's mind so much.

But he had enough. Red decided he was going to keep an eye on Abe today, telling him It's a 'guys only' day today as an excuse. Well, it was practically the truth, he did want to spend time with Abe, Liz has been busy anyway. Manning called for her, saying he needs her, for what Red didn't know, nobody bothered to tell him. So yes, he really wanted to spend time with Blue, but he also wanted to try and get him to talk. He just didn't tell him that.

It has been pretty boring so far. They have been cooped up in the library all day and most of the time Abe was quiet. Red tried to keep the conversation with him going, but after a while of talking he realized Abe had spaced out. He was just about to snap at him, but was interrupted by his own girlfriend walking through the door.

"You wouldn't believe what happened!" she exclaimed as the door slammed shut behind her. Both men in the room looked at her in expectation. "So, Manning called for me, saying he needs help." she started explaining. "Help with what?" asked Red. "The Kelpie woke up." she explained. At the mention of the beasts name, Abe's head shot up. She had his undivided attention. "Really? You saw her? Where are they keeping her?" question upon question, he fired them at his friend without hesitation. "Why do you want to know?" asked Hellboy.

Truth was, nobody saw her after that mission. The agents that were asigned over her kept her somewhere, and nobody bothered to tell the trio where. Again.

"Manning said he needs her for experimantation." Abe said, his voice sounding wary and uncertain "I didn't like how he said it. I just want to make sure she's not being harmed."

And it was true. No creature, however evil it may be, deserves to be tortured. If it needs to be killed, its death should be as quick as possible. It wasn't the only reason he wanted to find her. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't get her out of his head. He couldn't get the image of her burned body, covered in the goo from the water, laying helplessly in the reeds, out of his head. When he slept, he could hear her small noises of pain and he wondered what her regular voice would sound like. He needed to talk to her. It was exciting to meet another water creature, even for a little while. He could ask her so many questions and maybe, just maybe the higher ups could let her live.

"Well and he told me she's freaking out. And because I'm a woman who is not regular like others, I might be able to calm her down. So I went there, but nothing worked. She's just shaking and crying and it's like she's lost in her own world." Liz ended her story.

Abe's heart squeezed in his chest "Do you think they harmed her?" he asked. "Why do you care? I don't get what's all the fuss for. It harmed Liz, It's dangerous, I'd just kill it before it attacks someone else." Red shrugged.

If Abe could frown, he definitely would "It's valuable to us right now. We don't know much about her species. We need her to calm down, so we can get information and then..." he realized he can't finish the sentence. He felt oddly sad at the thought of her, the only other water creature, being gone. Strange how one can get so attached to someone without even meeting them properly. Abe was confused.

As Abe was lost in his thoughts again, Liz and Red were chatting, until an agent came into the library. "Abe Sapien?" he called. When the said man didn't react immediately, Red nudged him and then he perked up. "Yes? Can I help you?" he asked. The agent nodded "Manning needs you. Follow me, please." he said and was already on his way out of the room.

Abe scrambled out to follow him and caught up with him. He achieved this at the elevator. The agent was faster than he seemed.

No one said a word throughout the whole ride. Abe watched as they went lower and lower, deeper and deeper underground.

The elevator stopped when they hit the lowest floor in the entire building. Abe has never been here, but there wasn't much to look at. They walked through a long, gray hallway, the only things around them being the lights above their heads. At the end of the hallway was a door. In front of it stood distressed looking Manning with a few other agents. They looked at the newcomers as soon as they heard them.

"Abe! Glad you're finally here." Manning sighed. Abe and the fast agent stopped at the door. "The thing inside is stressed and we can't find the reason why. I assume agent Liz already told you how her investigation went." Abe nodded his head. "Great. Your job is to go in there and get some information out of her by...you know, holding her hand or something." Pretty invasive, but alright. Abe thought. "Don't worry, there are hidden cameras, we'll be monitoring your encounter the whole time, so don't worry about anything happening to you." all of them then stepped aside and cleared out a way to the door.

The room was dim. Abe wondered if there were any lights he could turn on, but when he heard the quickened breathing, sniffles and strangled cries, he decided it wouldn't be a wise idea.

The Kelpie sat crouched down in the center of the cell, shaking in place. He aproached her slowly, but it seemed like she didn't even notice him coming in the room. Touching someone to feel their emotions was a pretty invasive method for Abe, so he tried to talk to her first.

But it was no use. She didn't even look at him. She probably didn't even know about him. Does she even remember me? Abe thought. There was no other way. He took one of her hands that was holding her knees to her chest and closed his eyes.

Nets. Panic. People everywhere. Chaos. She wanted to live. They were trying to catch her. She didn't do anything and yet here they were. They poisoned the water. Killed all the fish. She has been starving. They did it. It couldn't be anyone else. And now they were trying to kill her too. She thrashed, bit, screamed, anything to get her out of the tight ropes and nets. Anything to keep her alive.

He let go of her hand. "She's feeling claustrophobic. I need bigger clothes. Hellboy's Tshirt perhaps. And a medic please." he said to the dim room, he knew they were listening.

Watching her shake and quietly cry was painful for him, so he was glad when the medic came, Tshirt in hand.

They switched the lights on. Now he could see her. Her skin was pale, nearly white, her eyes and hair a deep dark blue that one could drown in.

Together they changed the Kelpie's clothes and put on the big Tshirt. They also took off her bandages and covered the wound in a way which allowed them not use bandadge that would wrap around her whole torso. It was harder than Abe thought, but they managed.

The medic then excused himself and left Abe alone with the Kelpie. Not like he minded much. After maybe a minute, her mind registered the change and she felt she could finally breathe properly again.

She lifted her head from her knees and looked around warily. She saw someone familiar. Why yes, he was there at the lake, the one who found me after I crawled into the reeds. She was scared of him and what would he do, but she was also injured and knew she can't run away from him here. She didn't even try.

So she just looked at him and said "Thank you." It must have been him who helped her breathe again. She looked down on herself. There was fabric covering her, it covered more skin than before, but she barely felt it. It felt rather nice, she realized.

"You are welcome." he replied with a smile "My name is Abe Sapien. You are in BPRD." She looked at him confused. "Bureau for paranormal research and defense." She didn't look much wiser. "Why is everything gray here?" she asked quietly. "I don't know. They were probably too lazy to paint this...room." he didn't want to say cell, even though he kind of knew that she knew. "They?" she asked. "The other agents." "Are they like you?" "No, they are humans." Her eyes widened. "Do not fret! I know how humans harmed you, but nobody will lay a finger on you here. I'll make sure of that." he tried to reassure her. It seemed to work, because she visibly relaxed her posture.

"Can I have some water please?" she asked very politely. He nodded his head and dissapeared through the door.

He came back with a glass of water. He sat down in front of her "I have a deal for you. I give you this water and then I can ask some questions. Alright?" "Can I ask some too?" she asked. "If you reply to my questions, I don't have a problem with it." and he gave her the glass.

Instead of drinking from it, she dipped her finger in it and splashed the droplets on her gills and hair, which dampened immediately.

"Alright. How were you born? Who are your parents?" She seemed surprised to hear this question. She thought for a while. "I think I was a human. But that was long ago, I don't remember my family." she looked at the ground. She was afraid she didn't answer correctly and now she won't be allowed to ask a question of her own.

But he didn't seem angry at all. "And how did you become a Kelpie?" She thought, again. He noticed when she did that, her eyes became distant, so hard was she trying to answer correctly and truly. It was sweet.

"I died. In the lake. And then...I woke up...like this." she looked at her hands "I don't really understand it."

"Can I ask now?" He nodded "Go ahead." She took a deep breath "What is going to happen to me?"

That was a tricky question. He didn't know. "We don't know for now." She just nodded her head obediently.

"Alright, next question. Did you attack the men because of revenge?" Her eyes teared up at the question. "I didn't want to hurt anyone, really." she sniffled "But they poisoned the water with the black poison and killed all the fish. I was hungry, starving, angry, desperate. I-I..." she couldn't finish.

"I'm sorry I am causing you so much discomfort, but only two more questions." she nodded her head again. "Why didn't you eat the hearts and livers?" For the first time she didn't hesitate to reply "It's in their honour, I think. The heart contains the soul and I didn't want to trap it inside of me. I just wanted to eat. The liver cleans the heart, so it keeps the soul clean. I think all Kelpies feel like this." she shrugged. "How do you know all this?" She shrugged again "I don't. I just feel it." He nodded his head "Alright, one more. Why did you attack our friend?" "The girl?" she shyly asked, he nodded. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just...I panicked. You seemed to recognize what I am and I got scared. But she was already on me and she couldn't get off. I acted on instinct. I'm truly sorry."

He wanted to comfort her, he truly did. But he wasn't sure if he should. She killed two people, but her voice was like music to his ears, she was so polite and...He was so, so utterly confused.

"Do you want a name?" he asked her. It seemed like an appropriate thing to do. Her eyes brightened at that. "Yes please. Very much." she shyly admitted. He smiled at her. "How about Lynn? It's a name from The Brittish islands, where you came from."

Pale blue dusted her cheeks, it seemed like she blushed "It's beautiful." He smiled again "Alright Lynn. I'll see what I can do for you."

As he was walking out of her cell he made a decision. One that cleared all the confusion.

It didn't matter what his friends thought. What the higher ups would order. He was going to protect her.

#Abe sapien #Abraham sapien #Abe sapien x reader #Abe sapien x oc #Hellboy #Liz sherman #Manning #BPRD

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #284

“mama, we’re all full of lies / mama, we’re meant for the flies”

When was the last time you changed a lightbulb? About a month or so back I had to change Venus’ heat lamp. Who was the last person you sent an e-mail to? I emailed my older sister the OneDrive link to her holiday pictures I did. When was the last time you visited the dentist? What about the optician? It’s been quite a few months since I went to the dentist for a normal cleaning. I haven’t seen an eye doctor in around a year or so because it’s a less pressing matter, and we can’t afford to buy me new glasses anyway. I desperately need them. Do you sleep on your side, your back or your front? My side, stomach, or like a contortion of both. Would you rather drive or be the passenger? Let me be shotgun controlling the music and I’m set for a long ride. When was the last time you received a handwritten letter? Sara sent me one I think two years ago for my birthday. If you have pets, do you buy them gifts for Christmas or their birthdays? Ha, yes. We don’t know either’s exact birthday though, so we don’t really “celebrate” those. Do you know how to ride a bike? How about ride a skateboard? A bike, yeah. I don’t know how to skateboard, though. Did you get enough sleep last night? How much sleep is enough sleep for you? No. I don’t even know what “enough sleep” is. I’m always tired. What are your favourite condiments? Do you use those often? Ketchup and honey mustard probably top the list, considering they’re the ones I use most. Peanut butter: crunchy or smooth? Do you have a favorite brand? I trust no one who can enjoy crunchy peanut butter. I like Skippy quite a bit. Do you have any life-threatening allergies? No. Have you had to take a COVID test yet? Was it positive or negative? I haven’t needed to take one. Do you think it’s okay to keep cats indoors for their entire lives? They SHOULD be. Cats are very destructive and disruptive predators of once-stable environments. They fuck up the food chain and have done a lot of damage to native populations. This is coming from a person whose house was an absolute NEST for cats to the point they were taken away. They lived outside, and I can only imagine the harm they really caused. Of course, as a kid, I didn’t understand this, but as an educated and experienced adult when it comes to this subject, it’s saddening to look back on. Please, keep your cats inside. AND FIXED. Hence our cat empire lmao. Do you think people should need a license in order to keep animals, just to make sure they knew how to properly take care of them? That would actually be LOVELY. If only. Not that it would entirely prevent illegal ownership, but I like to think most people are law-abiding citizens… Which meal of the day is your favorite? What’s your favorite thing to eat for that meal? BREAKFAST! Cinnamon rolls just gotta top the list. When was the last time you bounced on a trampoline? Would you ever want to go to one of those indoor trampoline parks? It has to have been so, so many years. My knees could NEVER take that now. I’m not interested in that. What’s your favorite thing to put on a baked potato? Butter, American cheese, and bacon bits… yum. Have you ever made money selling stuff online? What was it you were selling? I don’t think so, at least not successfully. Do you have a valid passport? When was the last time you used it? No. What was the last song you sung along to? I’m unsure. I rarely sing along to songs. What was the last piece of fruit you ate? What about the last vegetable? Fruit: apple. Vegetable: ummm I’m actually unsure. Probably broccoli. Have you ever lied to the police or a customs official? Were you ever found out? No. Are you much of a procrastinator, or would you rather get things out of the way so you can relax? I am a HEAVY procrastinator. When was the last time you took an exam of any kind? I don’t know. Probably not since I was in school. What snacks/drinks from your childhood do you wish they still made? Ah man, I know there’s some… just too many to dig through to try and remember. Are you a fan of techno? Yeah, sometimes. Who's your favorite horror movie villain/monster? I don’t particularly like one over the other. What's an 'obsession' of yours that most people would find odd or amusing? Probably how much I love Mark, given that being a “fangirl” is usually seen as juvenile. What's the sweetest thing another person has said or done for you? Probably Colleen letting me live with her while I was homeless for a month or two. Said to me, actually from Colleen’s sister; I was having a crying episode over Jason and she just grabbed my head and told me with such passion that I was so beautiful, strong, and deserved the world. Safe to say I started crying more lmao but at least it wasn’t from sadness. What's the absolute best feeling in the world? Being in love. Does the person you have feelings for know you feel that way? Yeah. Do you like Tim Burton? Um, duh. How do you feel about hypnotism? I don’t believe it works. It’s just the power of suggestion. How do you feel about Pink Floyd? I’m not a big fan, but I like some songs. What’s your preferred way of keeping fit? Is it something you make time to do on a regular basis? You assume I AM fit… but I really am trying to change that with WiiFit again, once the living room is cleaned up. I plan to insert it into my morning routine. Have you ever raised a puppy? Would you want to or would you prefer to adopt an adult rescued dog? Yes, Teddy. Right now I don’t want another dog, but hypothetically, I’d absolutely go for an adult rescue. Who was the last person to come to your house? Were they an expected visitor? My younger sister. Yes. If you work, is your job the same everyday, or does it vary depending on what you have on? N/A Would you ever be interested in owning your own business? Why or why not? Well, I want to be a freelance photographer, so… It’s not off the ground enough for me to *officially* call it a business, but while it’s absolutely so exciting to picture, it’s also very anxiety-inducing, the idea of it (hopefully) getting to that point since I’m dumb as fuck in regards to business stuff. Do you have your driver’s license? If so, did you find it easy or difficult to learn and pass your test? Ugh, I don’t. I need it so badly, I know, but right now, I couldn’t even if I wanted to because my vision is too bad to possibly pass that part, and I can’t afford to see an eye doctor + get a new prescription. If you have pets, how often do you buy them new treats and toys? Venus is a snake, so… yeah, lol. She needs a bigger terrarium, though, but a 40 gallon is expensive. Roman gets a new toy every now and then, but he doesn’t play with them as much anymore. If you had to work a job that required you to do shifts, would you rather work the early, late or night shift? Early. Get it over with. Do you have a favorite type of survey to take? Yeah; I like the ones that make me think or are just questions I definitely haven’t seen before but are also interesting. Some random questions are way too specific to apply to most people. On a typical day, how long do you spend out of the house? Even before the pandemic, usually zero time. Do you live in a close-kit community? Well we’re the new family on the block, so it’s hard to tell quite yet. People were welcoming, though. Do you have a vlog? NOOOOOOOOOO. If not, have you ever considered starting a vlog? No, I would feel WAY too fuckin awkward. Did you go to AM or PM kindergarten? AM. What are your favorite YouTube channels to watch? The whole world knows Markiplier is my true favorite channel, but lately I’ve really been digging pet (particularly reptile or tarantula) channels, Snake Discovery in specific. I’ve been bingeing the fuck outta them. I’ve officially become the “I know more than you” Petco meme lmao. Which relative(s) do you look the most like? Idk. Have you ever watched a live birth video? FUCK no. I never would. That could be so fucking scarring to middle school kids, for Christ’s sake. I’ve never understood why they show them in a lot of health classes. Have you ever given birth? Fuck to the no; never plan to, either. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Nah. Have you ever worn overalls? Ugh, as a kid. They’re so hideous to me now. If you’re a girl, how old were you when you started your period? I was in the 6th grade, so 11-12. Is your mom mentally stable? I mean she has depression, but otherwise, yeah. What color hair did your first crush have? I can’t really remember who my first crush was with certainty… but I think I might. If I’m right, blond. What was the name of your first crush? ^ in minds, I think Aaron. Did you ever play on Mamamedia.com? Doesn’t ring a bell. Do you remember your first email address? Haha, yeah, it’s still my current one… Did you name your Lego characters? I was more of a Lincoln Logs kid. Do you take medication for anxiety or depression? Both. If so, does it work? Does it help you? Or does it make you feel worse? I’d probably be dead without at least my mood stabilizers. Have you ever had a bag stolen? I don’t believe so. Who was your best friend in high school? Hannia. What book or movie gave you nightmares as a child? Ha, no books or movies, I think, but remember King Ramses from that episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog? Oh, trust me, I HAD NIGHTMARES. What song makes you cry? The most, probably “Eternally Yours” by Motionless In White. I physically cannot listen to it. Does anyone know who your first crush was besides you? Maybe Mom? Idk. How many teachers have you had crushes on? None. Did you make your Barbie dolls get crushes on each other? I actually don’t remember? I don’t think we had any male Barbies, and of course as a little kid raised in the South especially, I didn’t even realize homosexuality was a thing, so we never considered the girls dating. Did your Barbie dolls go on dates? ^ How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. Do you have scars from self-harm? No, they’re long faded and were thankfully never very severe. Did your hair change at all when you went through puberty? Yep, it gradually turned brown. Are you taller, shorter, or the same height as your mom? We’re the same height. Would you ever consider adopting a child? I don’t want kids, period. The only possible case I see is being a stepmom, but even then I can’t visualize me being one to an actual kid-kid. Just like, maybe a mid-teen and above. Do you trim your own hair? No. What are all the things you remember being for Halloween? I’m very surprised that I don’t remember many at all. I know I was a witch multiple times. What was the name of the first pet that you loved? I adored almost every pet my family has ever had. Our first was a stray cat named Chance we took in. INCREDIBLE animal. What color was your nursery? I have zero clue. Do you exercise regularly? Ugh, no, but I genuinely plan on changing that once the living room is cleaned up and Mom moves into her room. I’m very serious about starting Wii Fit again. I WAS gonna start walking once we moved here, but I found I was too scared to alone. I’m way too paranoid. Do you have a healthy BMI? lol What photo editing software do you use? Lightroom, Photoshop, and very rarely PhotoScape if I’m being lazy with watermarking my photography. Do you live somewhere with lots of livestock or wild animals? Livestock, yeah. You pass cows all the time around here. If you’re in a more wooded area, you’ll find roadkill kinda frequently, sadly. Would you rather live somewhere rural or urban? Rural. It’s the only thing that sucks about our new home – we’re in the suburbs. Is there anything (a hobby, for example) that’s guaranteed to always make you feel better when you’ve had a bad day? Not 100%, really. If the day was truly awful, sometimes nothing helps. If you’re struggling with your mental health, who are you most likely to open up to, or would you bottle it up instead? I vent to my mom the most. What room of your house do you spend the most time in? Is this through choice or necessity? My room, and it’s by choice. The second room that I wanna make my “office” is still LOADED with stuff from moving. If you could design your own garden, what would you have in it? Do you think that dream is ever going to be achievable for you? I don’t want a garden. Does it take you a long time to fall asleep at night? What do you if you’re really struggling to get to sleep? It can take me very, very long. I dread lying down some nights just because I know I’ll be tossing and turning for a good while. If I’ve tried to sleep for a long time to no avail, I do what you shouldn’t do and get back on the laptop. Do you think it’s cruel when people keep exotic animals as pets? Or do you think it’s okay as long as they have the space, time and money to dedicate to them? This depends on the animal and situation. I do believe some rescue cases are justified for the animal’s survival, but as the question mentions, you need to be able to provide adequately for it to be moral imo. I do NOT support exotic pet ownership for the average person. If you eat meat, is there a particular animal you’d never eat? If you don’t eat meat, what’s the reason for it? I could never eat a “pet” animal, nor an animal hunted mostly for sport. Even in survival cases, I’d have a hard time eating a wild animal.

#survey #quiz #questions #questionnaire

[edge-lorde]

original vampire bullshit

part...... 1? EDIT: PART 2 HERE    part 3 here  part 4 here

idk i wrote like 5 pages of rambling about vampire biology with a bit of disjointed theory at the beginning. i didnt even get into anything orcs related or any of the history or how the world works, but its very long.

if anyone seems interested to know the other stuff, ill write more.

until then:

Vampires. What are they? = sentient viruses.

In this world we are assuming that all viruses are living things, but are descended from NOT the same common ancestor as all other forms of life on earth, which is why they are so weird and don't match up with what we describe life and living things to be. 

Here is a list of what makes a living thing in current science:

are made of one or more cells. 

need energy to stay alive. 

respond to stimuli in their environment.

grow and reproduce.

maintain a stable internal environment.

I don't actually know how many of those things do apply to viruses, but the point is that we defined what a living thing is, and if evolution had gone a little differently, perhaps we would have made a different definition. 

In this world, let's say that all normal viruses like the flu and stuff exist, but there are also ones that don’t. There’s a lot of bullshit science things people smarter than me have figured out about viruses that i don’t have the patience to read. Suffice it to say that for now, vampirism is a form of virus that does not just take over single cells or particular tissues in order to reproduce, but entire organisms. 

In this case, it only effects humans but there could be many similar viruses in this world that work the same way. Basically it's like a mutual thing where, the vampire virus infects a host, and as a result the hosts own reproduction ability is completely shut down, and now they are only able to reproduce via the virus. The host benefits because in human evolution, the body starts to degrade after the age of reproduction. This makes sense because all evolution is is what causes an organism to have more of its DNA survive in the past = what will be alive in the future. 

It benefits the virus for the infected host to be mobile as long as possible because the vampirism virus needs blood exchange from host to host in order to infect. In this way, the infected host being able to travel and make this happen for as long as possible benefits the virus the most, and results in a human that appears to never age and stay in good health long after a human of the same age would have died. 

The human host’s DNA also benefits because even though the original reproduction system is shut down, the virus copies a little bit of the original hosts DNA and transfers it to the next hosts that that person infects. Independent of that, it benefits human populations to have vampires included in society because they live so much longer and can relay information/give extra support from a longer period back in time and for a longer period of time. 

However, nowadays the relationship between vampires and uninfected humans is different and i’ll get to it eventually. 

FIRST: physiology. 

Vampirism is a bone disease. It is passed along through blood contact only. When someone is infected the main thing that changes is that bone marrow stops being able to make new red blood cells, why this would be I'll figure out eventually. To remedy this, they must get their blood through other means. Once infection has taken place, the future vampire will grow new “teeth” otherwise known as “fangs” that connect to their circulatory system. The time period before these new teeth come in is known as the fledgling stage, when a person is considered halfway between human and vampire. More on this later. The end of this stage is signaled when the old human teeth fall out and the new blood-teeth fully emerge. This also usually signals the time when the vampires’ bones will stop making new blood cells. Every vampire has until all their current red blood cells begin to die off to feed and replenish themselves. If they don’t do this, they will die.  If a vampire is unlucky enough to stop making new blood before their teeth are ready they must receive blood in some way or they will super die. 

Vampires are not dead or undead. Magic does not exist in this world, so while getting new blood is a physiological problem that their bodies need to address,  they still need to eat regular food to fuel themselves as well. I thought about making a garlic allergy more common for them just because it would be funny but it actually doesn’t make sense, unfortunately. Vampires can and do eat everything that humans can eat. Raw blood is more palatable for them in taste than it was, and probably do use it more in cuisine as a result, but they can’t gain red blood cells by eating/swallowing blood as food, it must go through their blood fangs or possibly be injected into the bloodstream. 

It also can’t be bad blood-- it must still have living red blood cells and blood types still apply in some sense. When the blood goes through the blood fangs, the body doctors it to a form that won’t get attacked by the body’s immune system, = vampires all have their own, new blood types that are universal receivers to all/most human blood types. For this reason, I feel most animal blood would make a vampire very sick, or perhaps only non-mammal blood? This also makes direct blood transfusion into a vampire via a needle very risky and even likely to make them sick as well. In modern times I imagine that either they have developed a technique of making harvested blood vampire-immune system- friendly before injection, or have a way of injecting the blood directly into their blood-doctoring organ. In any case, blood transfusion is only done on vampires in life or death circumstances. 

I mentioned before that vampires old reproductive systems shut down, that's true. That takes up energy so it's gone. Sex hormones are replaced by vampire hormones that keep organs working. I don’t know enough about biochemistry to say more about how that might work. The more time that goes on, the less clearly masculine or feminine a vampire will look and also the less interested in sex they will be on average. They can still have sex if they want, but the more time that goes on the more medical intervention they may need in order to do it.

There’s a small window of time just after a person has been infected where they are still fertile, for those with sperm that’s until their last batch of them dies off. For those with eggs, it’s usually up until their last ovulation cycle, but in some cases they may still have viable eggs for years afterward that could be harvested and used in IVF, but the longer someone waits the less likely that is to work and the person would need a surrogate, both because the persons uterus may or may not be able to still work and because there's the potential that the unborn baby could be infected by the vampirism virus. That’s a bad thing and I'll explain why in a minute. The kids of new vampires are either infected with vampirism or not, no matter if they have one or two vampire parents. There is no half-vampires in this setting, only full ones and unaffected humans. 

Vampires also age weird. Immediately after being turned, it's like getting a dose of extra youth. As long as one has enough blood, organs that had begun to deteriorate will suddenly get better, reach a state of equilibrium, and then slowly begin to deteriorate at a much slower pace. If they routinely are forced into states of having low amounts of viable blood, they will deteriorate much faster. 

The prime age to be turned is 25 - before someone begins to lose their strength, whenever that is. The aforementioned dose of youth can only do so much, chronic conditions can still affect vampires, though to a lesser degree. 

If a child were to become infected with vampirism, they would skip puberty all together. No matter what age they are, after they are done with their fledgling period, their bones will begin to fuse at the stage they are at and the person will begin to age at the vampire rate as if they were adults. This results in old vampires bitten as kids looking like kids with wrinkles and arthritis. This is why vampire babies are very bad, and super illegal to make. 

In modern times, both adult and child vampires can take hormone treatments to either replace the sex hormones they lost when bitten, or supply the human growth hormones that would allow them to grow up as a human would. In order to get the best result, the latter treatment should be started before the person's bones fuse-- before or just after the end of the fledgling stage. For individuals whose bones have already fused, the treatment may still be recommended for some-- they can still have a puberty but won’t get any taller. 

There is also the issue of the brain. The reason why it's considered optimal for vampires not to be turned until at least 25 is because that is when the brain finishes maturing. Once turned, the vampires brain may also stop maturing. I don't actually know that much about the brain, so this section relies on info that someone knows, but not me. If it's the case that the brain’s maturation is caused by growth hormones, then taking them will let the underage vampire’s brain finish growing. Hooray! If it's just caused by being alive and figuring things out via life experience, hooray! They don’t need any kind of treatment. If it's not caused by either of these concepts, then their brains stop maturing at whatever age they were bitten at and will never go far beyond that. 

For the aging brain, vampirism will initially improve general brain function and temporarily halt dementia. This is because during the fledgling stage, the infected person's brain will begin to detach emotion to their old memories as a human and begin to create new neurons. As a person's memories become less and less personal, they will bond to the vampire who turned them. The exploitation of a fledgling  by their vampire parent is again, super illegal.

The new vampire will essentially lose the person they once were and gain new formative memories during this period. This is a very real physiological process that is difficult to protect against. They will retain all of their old memories, but all emotion attached to them will be lost. Even if a vampire manages to remember their past fondly, if they were to be presented with the people, places, and things that they once loved, they might not even recognize them. If they do, they won’t have an emotional response. It will be as if they know that this person or thing was once important to someone, but was it really to them?

The undead may not exist in this world but that doesn't mean becoming a vampire isn’t a serious loss to a person's humanity. This loss primes the new vampire to find a new place in life with their vampire community......

#vampire #vampirism #original #ocs #murder orcs #rambling #Thoughts

[gnostic-heretic]

I'm an aph lithuania fan who is considering the hc that he's trans. Any reasons to adopt this headcanon? ( or like... what about Liet screams 'trans' to you or how does this compliment his character?)

Ah well I think it does compliment his character in a way, though I’m not sure how to explain it.

I guess it’s just that I came up with an entire backstory and a long series of headcanons related to his gender identity I guess... and I love the idea of him being trans because I project a lot of my feelings on this low budget anime man and plus... I love the idea of characters I like being trans in general.

Maybe I can talk a little about my headcanons for him? Idk it’s just a really hard question to answer anon. Because to me that alone is enough to like it and if you flipped it upside down — why should I headcanon Lithuania as a cis man? Why and how would that compliment his character?

... let’s just say people don’t ever ask this question because cis is perceived as default state of being for humans and that’s a bad idea in and for itself. But I’m going to assume you’re engaging in good faith here because it sounds like you are!

Like first of all for me it’s a way (just like all my other trans headcanons) to see more different kinds of trans people in a story and concept I like (hetalia). Cis characters in fiction usually get multifaceted portrayals but trans stories are reduced to pity porn about transitioning and how hard and sad it is and usually written as really sad people. I don’t think that’s necessarily accurate... our lives and history are filled with things that, as Mari Kondo might want to say, spark joy and more trans characters = more chances to show that. Plus we all think of ourselves and our own identity in different ways, its not necessarily simplistic as most portrayals (x trapped in y body is a popular one) would make you think. Lithuania is trans but he doesn’t think about himself and his gender in the same way Poland does for example. That’s something I love to write :D because it shows that we are all different.

I think Lithuania would be very proud of who he is and how far he’s come. His gender identity is important to him because he’s always felt like he’s a part of his people, and wants to be closer to them- so he views his own “transition” not necessarily as “female to male” (because he never thought of himself as “female” in the first place) but as the gender neutral nature of a “nation”, who is dehumanised and put on a pedestal, to “man” — the feeling of finally belonging with other humans. Tolys is a man because it’s what felt most true to him and his sense of self- and he’s lived as himself since he was very young, so his confidence is rarely shaken at least when it comes to his own sense of identity.

(I guess this is aspirational for me in a way but oh well I’ve warned you about projecting)

Also when I say “cis characters in fiction are mulitifacted while trans characters get only to be one dimensional” I also mean that the usual trans narrative is completely centered around gender conforming straight trans people when it’s... not necessarily so. In fact most trans people I know aren’t straight

For one thing views on sexuality and gender have changed so much throughout history that when a person has lived for hundreds of years there’s no such a thing as “gender conforming”. I headcanon Lithuania as bisexual with a preference for guys so decidedly not straight! And as far as presentation goes. When Lithuania first started presenting as male (the Middle Ages) in the Baltic area long hair was considered standard for men to wear. And even in this age he likes to keep his hair long because that’s how he prefers it to look and it’s a good low maintenance hairstyle— plus I wouldn’t call his sense of style masculine as much as I would call it a disaster, he just likes what’s comfortable and cheap and not too flashy. Which usually lines up with men’s fashion but not necessarily in an overtly “masculine” way

Its interesting to have a trans character like Lithuania or really all hetalia characters who lived for hundreds of years across different and very relevant historical changes because he has seen his own “position” change so much throughout history. For starters while trans people have existed forever, the label of “trans” and medical transition science are a fairly recent thing... which is why in historical fics I never use the word “transgender”, but reduce it to the bare fact of life. Lithuania knew he was a man and meant to live as one so that’s what he did.

Now take everything I say as basically speculative fiction based on OTHER pagan religions across the ancient world because there’s not much we know about Baltic paganism in the Middle Ages and the few records we have come from Christians- they’re biased, incomplete and sometimes untrustworthy. I’ve looked into the stances of modern Baltic paganism (Romuva) on lgbt people but found nothing at all— which doesn’t surprise me and wouldn’t surprise me if their stance on lgbt rights was negative because after all in Europe we live in a society (cit) that is strongly shaped by Christianity even if we try to steer away from it.. and Lithuania isn’t the most lgbt friendly place in Europe for that matter— neither is Italy, by the way, this is no moral judgement. IF anyone who knows more than me wants to correct me and or add more info I’d be not only extremely grateful but STOKED please tell me more about the forbidden romuva knowledge because I’m dumb and can’t speak Lithuanian so a lot of (i would even say most...) sources aren’t accessible to me. 😔😔😔

BUT,

The way I base it on other pre-Christian religions across the world Lithuania’s gender variance when he was a young teenager was not perceived as a negative or strange thing. For one because he’s a nation and nations were and are perceived as supernatural beings (sort of demigods) and unquestionable, at least by humans. And secondly because I like to think that in pagan times gender variance wasn’t perceived as a threat to the “natural order” (Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve and so on) but as a part of that same natural order. So a person identifying as a sort of “third gender” or “no gender” (like I headcanon nyo Lithuania would) and a person kinda deciding that their birth assigned gender doesn’t fit and he’d rather be a man, socially (because back then medical transition didn’t exist) wouldn’t be met with fear or disgust but with sympathy.

Lithuania got to transition socially in a supportive environment and then was kind of thrown into the Polish court to a complete 180 in terms of acceptance. The thing is trans/gender variant people used to be a less-known phenomenon until a few decades ago, let alone centuries ago, it used to be easier to be stealth when the regular joe had no idea what a “trans” was — so that’s what he did. And while he found support and solidarity and (gasp) romance in the company of Poland, he also found someone who conceptualised his own identity in a wholly different manner (but this is a post about liet so I won’t get into it ffs) — I don’t think it must needst be remarked that the Russian empire and Soviet Union were just as unsupportive — if not more unsupportive, but we are not here to pass moral judgement. Being stealth would have made dealing with it more simple but being stealth comes with risks and that comes into play a lot when it comes to his anxiety.

...However I think the problem would’ve been and still be mostly humans because fellow other nations (people who- again- have lived hundreds of years and likely have seen a trans person before if they’re not trans themselves) would be open to understanding and learning and not thinking of Lithuania being transgender as a big deal. In the canon hetalia lore we have chibitalia and Hungary as examples of nations who lived as one gender for a long time and then as another. And whether you see this as a trans narrative or not (I sure do) it’s worth noting that we don’t see anyone in the hetalia canon giving them a hard time over it, or being outwardly unaccepting of their gender.

TLDR I hope I could convey even just 0,0001% of my love for trans man liet to you and if I didn’t... well this is just my headcanon and I’m not forcing it on anyone, you do you. Thank you for being open to hearing about it anon because a lot of people just discard the idea before they can even consider it— but most excuses for it (it’s unrealistic, it is weird, i just can’t see it) are based on biases (are trans people not real? why are we seen as “weird” in the first place? why does our existence seem like an impossibility?) and imo not very good. So to wrap this up my question would be how does headcanoning Lithuania as cisgender compliment his character? Well in my opinion it doesn’t— it takes away nothing and I don’t mind it, but it also doesn’t add all the interesting possibilities that being trans gives to his character at least to me. :D

[elizabethrobertajones]

14x07 watching notes

In Which It Is Now Completely Apparent Which Of Buck And Leming Are Writing A Scene At Any Given Time

or

A Tale Of Lizbob Being Tormented By Toddlers

Hello it is 3:32am and I am awake from a dream of what the episode might have been (plus side: overt Destiel motel room sharing, downside: Jack accidentally killed Dean) because my tantruming toddler neighbour who just moved into the haunted house next door was screaming, and threw something at our adjoining wall. At 3am. So I'm not exactly well-rested and I'm kinda pissed, which isn't the best combo for a Buckleming episode, but when you wake up with a scream and a thump, you aren't going back to sleep for a lil while :P

-

Kudos to the rest of the writing team, we're 7 episodes in and I've thoroughly forgotten Nick exists. I've just been assuming he was caught, featured on a true crime program, and is already gone and locked up for the new murder and likely solving of a cold case.

-

Ahahahaaaa the opening of the recap is "when it comes to killing you, I'll be the one to do it" so that's ominous. As you might tell, my psyche is utterly wrapped around this whole Shakespearean tragedy of Jack vs Dean, and perhaps they're not gonna murder each other today but the constant reminders they're living in a murder or get murdered delicate thematic plot balance is exactly the sort of thing that we need to have hanging over their dynamic, as well of course as being the start point of their relationship to show how far they've come and how much they've changed and now love each other and how just last episode Dean got in his "fine i have a son now" episode a season or two later than everyone else and just in time for it to be "so now you bonded with him of course he's caught Doom because you can't have nice things for literally a single episode and this is your fault for bonding with him, Dean"

-

This recap is designed to wound me, a Jack fan and lover of how TFW loves their son

-

Ew, it's Nick. The first time in my life I've been tempted to skip at least a lil of the recap.

-

Imagine how tight it would have been to just do a 10 second "here's Jack" recap and cut to the action

-

and the action includes an episode without Nick stealing time from the boy

-

You know i spend exactly 0 time speculating on how Eugenie might write her personal fave bits of the episodes but if you had to throw together "nick is now a serial killer ritually murdering priests on a satanic bender" then that would have been a pretty close thing to what I could have come up with as distilled Buckleming essence. (gross)

There's a vague continued overlap of the human!Cas arc with the parallel to the open of 9x03 and the general aesthetic of season 11's Lucifer's satanic rampage bender thrown together but you know what that's more meta than this arc deserves and my boy is sick

-

OH NO CAS IS THE ONE WATCHING OVER HIM ABORT ABORT

-

His grace looks pathetic. Maybe he's trying not to wake Jack up. Maybe he doesn't have a whole lot left.

-

That's not helping, Cas

-

ANXIOUS PARENTS OUTSIDE HIS ROOM

I bet Cas sent them away because they were hovering

-

Dean this is not what happens to kids, stop trying to kid yourself that this is like having a regular demonic toddler

-

Man am I glad I do not have kids right now both because I don't have to worry about them and also because they scream and throw stuff at the walls at 3am

-

Dean angry at Cas cuz he's worried about Jack oh no oh no oh no look at these stressed parents. Cas is forced into the doctor role because he magic but he is just as stressed as they are and tensions are high, and then the boy starts convulsing

-

Oh my god they snapped, they are actually bringing Jack to an emergency room. This is horrifying and kind of a trip to imagine what they're going to tell any authority figures about who this guy is and what their relationship is to him.

Do they remember that he has barcode fingerprints and probably is gonna be Medically Weird just as default?

(Alex is 29 like me and Misha is early 40s and Jimmy is canonically a year older than Misha for some reason, so at a push Cas could be his dad and have made some very early mistakes but the boy is biologically only like 10 years younger than them on average... JACK looks another half that at times but this is a hospital so idk if "smiles like a toddler" "early teenage adorableness" is a good measure of age)

-

(I'm stress-typing)

-

"His full name, please"

All 3 dads look at each other baffled.

Sam goes with Jack Kline, which, a season and a bit later, is the first canonical use of it as Jack's surname

They're cautious about using Winchester, understandably, but it's a nice reminder that Kelly is family too and as the dead parent, naming Jack in tribute to her should have been something they were doing all along (like, season 13 all along), especially as he even visited the Klines earlier this season. Sam being the one who thinks to do this is nice because he's the most dad-aligned to Jack in a traditional sense when it's come to raising him (Cas got the pre-birth role as the traditional father role) and Cas obviously had the strongest connection to Kelly before that but this isn't a moment about her so much as these 3 stressed dads.

-

LOL Date of birth. Sam wins another point for knowing it, while Dean makes back and forth guesses on '99/2000, making Jack 19 or 20, which would at least mean any one of them could have fathered him and chopping 10 years off Alex's age to compromise between look and feel.

-

Given Jack's symptoms the nurse should have been a lil more concerned asking about trips to West Africa or other likely Ebola places lately. (This may be poor timing on the show's part but isn't there a fresh outbreak right now?)

(Oof I googled it and there's "Congo Ebola outbreak 2nd worst in history" articles dated 6 hours ago... Maybe a bad year to write haemorraghic diseases for fun and also how comes no one is talking about this in the news and it's all blah blah brexit... Have we just stopped fearing it now a few outbreaks have shown it mostly stays contained in African countries so now they can just suffer it on their own? I'm making a 4am donation to relief efforts)

-

*returns from the doctors without borders website* anyway back to the fictional sick white boy

-

And his very stressed dads

-

I have no idea how much of this is medically accurate but I feel like this is particularly dramatised to match hospital visits people have experienced which did not involve bringing in a stumbling, feverish, person who is having seizures and coughing blood

it's still objectively sad to see TFW lined up all stressed out and Cas and Dean holding hands while they stare through the giant window

-

The doctors aren't wearing masks even though he has been COUGHING BLOOD

-

sheesh this entire hospital is in quarantine now

-

Nick saying he was "getting hammered" the night of the murder isn't super subtle

-

Cas aggressively still trying to watch over Jack even though they won't let him in the room. Dean paces and talks about ghouls in the middle of the hospital to let off stress.

-

Cas goes to watch over him in person while Sam and Dean have a personal chat. This is awful D:

-

I appreciate the sentiment of busting Jack out before they pay the hospital bills because they're running out of medical options and need to turn to magic ones, a la every dramatic event ever in their lives except that one time Dean broke his leg and Sam was too out of it with the Hallucifers to sell his soul to make it better, but if Jack's in system shutdown wouldn't at least keeping him with state of the art equipment mean things like transfusion and machines that keep him propped up?

Mind you his bloodtype is probably, like, X evil negative or something Bucklemingy

It's in his DNA... He might be cute but he's still  born of their episodes and wacky non con ideas... It was gonna catch up to him eventually D: You can't outrun it forever!!

-

I accidentally hit a button and 8x02 started playing on VLC

-

"DEEEAN" Cas shoves him through the portal out of purgatory, credits roll, this was officially the weirdest episode ever.

(No I didn't watch the whole thing, I was literally paused on the last shot from where I was about to gif it last night when I fell asleep)

-

Sam already called Rowena... Smart cookie

-

obligatory yell at Cas shedding the coat to put on Jack so they don't walk him out in a hospital gown

-

Oh my god Jack's so sick he's white as a sheet and being carried out by 2 of his dads and he still has a lil well of snark to be like "fine we're leaving" to the doctor.

"There's just no talking to him when he gets like this"

-

We're at the promo scene and I'm still not 100% sure after sleeping on it that Rowena definitely did not have the Book of the Damned, and that she hadn't been able to make off with it at the end of season 11, never for it to be seen again, because she was very much in the process of stealing the Black Grimoire in 13x22, but this does, I guess, make sense in regards to which book would serve Jack better, and Mittens tried her best to convince me that Rowena plausibly did not have it because the Winchesters did... I'm still suspicious because I really did just assume that she took it and the implication was we didn't see it because SHE had hidden it, and from a line in a Buckleming episode as well. And either way around her showing up with it makes sense that she had it but I'd have occam's razor'd it that she stole the obvious books at the obvious times and not that 13x22 became a BotD heist on top of everything else :P

-

Jack is up and about!!

He's using a more gravelly voice and it's actually a really hot voice and for literally the first time the Alex/Jack divide (gulf) in my head that one is my age and hot and the other is a 12 year old is a bit shaken. I mean Jack's canonically now supposed to be around 19-20? Which explains why he has a "wooo spring break" attitude when we see in the promo he snaps and wants to go to Vegas.

They grow up so fast.

Anyway considering he was in total organ shutdown a lil while ago it seems a night's rest has done him well if he's wandering around the bunker

Can't tell if we swapped writers or what... well, it seems like it's possible given Jack's fluctuating sickness, which of course could just be a plot thing but also a mark of the inconsistencies in Buckleming episodes. It's still odd to me that in the filming process it didn't occur to them that Jack might not at least sway on the spot at little, but he's really standing there like a little trooper, upright and talking confidently.

-

And betraying to Rowena that his dads like her and say nice things about her behind her back, which is catastrophic for them. How dare. You're damaging the foundations of their relationship.

-

*cough cough*

"Bollocks"

Yep, her heart has softened, Jack won her over in record time, and she's just thinking about that time she adopted a wee Polish lad and loved him as her own because Jack is genetically engineered to be a blank slate son version of a Mary Sue. You take one look at him and he is Your Son in whatever way will most harm you.

-

Good grief I wish Crowley was still around to see what HILARIOUS overlap with Gavin we'd have wrung out of Jack's main superpower.

-

Cas offering his grace to stabilise Jack on the spot. Halp. It's more important to him that his son lives by miles, that this isn't even an internal debate for him. In a way, obvious that Cas would be like this as a parent, in another, Cas just offered to give up his grace live on TV

-

Rowena shoots down the obvious solution (oh and thank god that for once the show actually even references obvious solutions) and starts talking about how we need archangel grace and as soon as she says that I think "oh, Michael" and Dean starts to come over weird with a wooziness that makes me wonder if that was timed for the audience "oh there's one out there right now" and why would DEAN be personally affected right thiiiiiis second..............................

-

When they go on spring break together we're getting right to the murderin

-

I mean SOMETHING is up and Dean's right now having his own weird moment as Rowena talks about how Jack will now have a fluctuating set of symptoms for the sake of the plot so

-

It's possible this is just his internal POV emotional reaction to bad news because this is what happens to me when I hear it but I suspect Dean is a lil more healthy than me in the first place so doesn't verge on passing out whenever a catastrophe happens regularly. And also Sam and Cas aren't similarly struck with physical symptoms at the news their son is dying.

-

Ya know, Buckleming, or probably Eugenie specifically which makes it all the worse, writing this woman taking a call in a dark alleyway, then not being terrified to be approached by a weird man and on top of that stopping and turning to invite him to join her in the club... this is the kind of thing where they're writing someone going against all natural instinct that it's bad characterisation for someone we've literally never met before just to put her in danger.

I mean at least they didn't make Nick stab a random woman (and a black woman at that to add to their overall awful stats)

-

I like how Jack's just decided Vegas or Tahiti are places you just kinda go to die... I mean I don't know what he's learned about them but it all has to be absorbed through the media in his most innocent way. I feel like there's something very sweet about whatever he thinks you do in these places of reputed sin and blaze of glory live fast die young lifestyles, but also utterly tragic. Consumptive tragic hero but with a twist of the reckless and dangerous later tropes of... It's 5am and I can't think but like. Vegas. Drugs and gambling high life style tropey films and books from the American tradition.

And of course it's Dean (who utterly fits into this trope and even has yearly Vegas trips with Sam since discovering his psychic powers back in season 1 and also lives a blaze of glory mindset) who brings him the deadly glass of milk (film trope about innocence but also like, people dying) and a sandwich loaded with salami. Dean went all out to make that for Jack - a couple of episodes after sending a woman off to "make him a sandwich" and regretting it as he spoke, we see the yank the cloth away reveal of Dean's nurturing side where he is the caregiver who shows affection through food and will go to the trouble of making his boy a delicious sandwich.

-

"Nice." See? He's Dean's son and Dean approves his choice of places to die. "You sure this is the best time?"

"Pretty sure it is," Jack says, backpack on, already almost out the door. He's found a brown corduroy jacket which is both unlike his beige jackets and suits from the rest of his life aside from the blue apocalypse world one, and also very very much like Sam's iconic season 1-2 brown corduroy jacket that he mostly stopped wearing although I think was the one Dean wore in 4x01 as one of its sporadic dwindling appearances, if I'm not wrong.

-

I probably am but either way, it's a change to darker colours, something Sam-associated to fit the gap of this smol dangerous dying kid Dean has to deal with, and puts Jack in thick earthier tones, thicker clothes to ward against the cold of death, and dressed more like TFW than normal as he usually has quite a distinct child-like version of their clothes.

-

Jack's concept of life and mortality is fucked, possibly because he was a functioning being after a day or two of gathering his thoughts and starting to come to terms with asking deep philosophical questions about himself, so in a way discovering he only has a couple more weeks to live is hardly anything. He's a fucking mayfly.

-

Ugh it's now solidly 5am and I am clearly not going back to sleep so I give up, I'm finally getting coffee. The rest of the notes will be maybe a wee bit more coherent :P

-

Anyway kettle thought: due to Jack and Dean's murder or be murdered relationship (lordy how is this the only way you relate to fatherhood, my guy?) I kinda suspect that Dean's about to abscond with Jack without even telling dad 1 or dad 2, because he is dad 3 and that's totally cool and he's a responsible adult, but,  you know, woozy and doomed while Jack is also consumptive and doomed. BAD COMBO.

-

I charge you with grounds of diminished responsibility due to mutual murder narrative doom

-

"I'm done being special. Before my life is over, I want to live it"

Okay remember in season 1 episode 14 where Dean was like "LOL WE SHOULD GO TO VEGAS BECAUSE YOU ARE PSYCHIC"? and I referenced that like 5 minutes ago so you should, obviously I've only ever been able to headcanon the reveal of Vegas Week in season 7 (Dabb episode, take a shot) dates back to that and is one of their between episode activities which makes sense that since they only started travelling as adults together in the canon of the show (and Sam 1 year older than drinking age) that it might as well have been when they started the tradition?

Well Jack here is reacting like Dean would have if HE were the one in Sam's shoes in 1x14, and being the fun lil brother who actually would be like fuck it let's go to Vegas and see how psychic I am in the casinos! In the context of season 1 Sam is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too angsty and tragic to do anything other than come across as a stick in the mud who thinks Dean is joking and they're gonna carry on being tragic and hunting monsters instead. Dean in season 2, episode 9, also wanted to fuck off and go have fun when Sam's scary destiny got too much for him to carry, and that was when he was locked in the murder or save him vow from John's last words, which is a similar burden to the narrative bind he's in with Jack.

Jack, all of his fathers' son, finally shows up as the god damn first person to take his doom sensibly and actually want to fuck off to Vegas, and that's demon!Dean levels of fuck it.

Incidentally I half-suspect that Crowley, who has billions of dollars and once bid the moon in an auction (hi I watched 99% of 8x02 yesterday and 1% of it just now) probably was steering demon!Dean waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay carefully around the thought of wait a minute I have an extremely rich and powerful sugar daddy and no responsibilities... VEGAAAAAAAS.

Like, any time Dean started to form the thought, bam, naked triplets show up in their room.

-

Anyway Jack's busy being tragic, talking about wanting to get a tan (Beach now linked to something to do before death) or see a hockey game (oh shit we forgot Adam) or get a parking ticket (oh so that's why Dean  murders him)

-

"And when it's all over... die."

Dean looks over his shoulder, mind made up to abduct the boy and take him joyriding

-

"So that's your plan, huh?"

"I don't want to waste time arguing"

"Did I say I disagree"

jack, this is Fun Dad

-

I know, the concept is completely radical and you've never seen Dean be fun but trust me.

Even with your very, very limited options, Sam has literally had 3 episodes about how he's Scrooge, and Cas is... Cas. But Dean is legitimately fun dad when you get him on a good day. Trust me.

-

No one's speaking to Rowena??? How wild.

Poor thing is never going to get her mega coven

-

Dean (who has rocked up already wearing his jacket) spaces out as Sam starts blahing on about the culturally appropriative shaman Ketch has located.

Same, buddy

-

At least Dean isn't lying to them about stealing Jack. Somewhat. Not the whole Vegas plan.

-

Jack smiles at Sam and Cas in a kind of way that somehow conveys in its entirety "this may be the last time you see me but I'm cool with you NOT seeing me die of coughing my lungs up and fun dad has this covered and we've always had a weird death cult about our relationship anyway so I'm okay with it and you guys were the best dads but now fun dad is going to take me out back and shoot me where you can't see and I love you bye"

-

"Why don't you drive?"

Jack is like ?!?!?!?!? D:

EVEN ON HIS DEATHBED he hadn't figured this would ever happen

It's the make a wish foundation :')

This is, of course, the ultimate sign of Dean loving you and caring for you in Dean's own special way of not telling you he does but showing it with a gesture of absolute confidence and letting you in, and in the vast annuls of the show dates back to the second ever episode where Dean let Sam drive at the end for all of 1 shot (seriously, they've swapped back by the long shot at the end of 1x02 where you can't see them in the car but the prop drivers are definitely doing a generic Sam in the passenger seat Dean driving routine for stock footage :P)

-

Anyway Dean loves Jack enough that he's letting a kid who does not know how to drive learn to drive in the Impala, like he and Sam did.

-

I can see Alex sweating bullets about being seated next to Jensen in the beloved Impala and having to mess up turning it on... never mind the fact that both Jensen AND Dean will murder him if he harms the car, and being murdered on both levels at once is spiritually unsettling and he will probably end up an unquiet ghost.

And yet, the glee at being behind the wheel of this legendary gal

-

TRAGIC NYOOOOOM

-

"It's like I'm you! :D"

"No, it's not! :D (but with implied murder)"

-

"THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER"

Look if he survives this, you're creating a speed demon who will want his own classic car

-

And then you'll have to teach him how to maintain it

oh god

-

But yeah, non-toxic parenting in the John Winchester As He Could Have Been style.

-

At least as long as Dean is in the Make A Wish mode and not back to tragic murder mode

And that wooziness that he may or may not be associating with no sleep and too much stress suggests this isn't going to last as a Fun Day Trip For The Boy

-

"Cas are you sure you want to handle this alone?"

NO HE NEEDS A HUG HIS SON IS DYING

-

Sam, go hug him, you need a hug and your son is dying.

Also, of course, you mutually need each other in this instance and Sam is reaching out to Cas with presumably the intent that he wants to be in on it but is asking as if just concerned about Cas

-

Cas, being Cas, has somehow deduced that Dean is "taking this particularly hard" despite the fact all three of them are Concerned Dads and CAS WHAT THE FUCK are you doing being selflessly concerned about DEAN and sizing up his emotional state when all three of you are wrecked and your son is dying?

You literally have 3x the sitting at his bedside holding his hand moments of any of them and montaged the heck out of the concern at the start of the episode

-

I remember way back someone wankily made a chart of how often people talked to Dean about stuff and other people talked to each other about Dean, and Sam is now crying about Dean beating himself up over being mean to Jack at the start of season 13 and regretting it, so this entire conversation is Sam and Cas man paining at each other about how much man pain Dean is in.

I say with no wank in my heart, just sheer horrified amusement at this data point if they still are hate-watching the show and being horrified about how Sam never gets stuff for himself etc (I mean. He and Cas both have had extended chunks of seasons about them parenting Jack and this is Dean's time to come belatedly to what the two of them already had)

-

Cas finally says "son" a season and change after Jack was wandering around calling him "father" and Sam doesn't seem inclined to disagree that this is how it feels for all 3 of them.

-

Obviously he's crying about Jack and it was just the context above that made it look like he was crying about Dean and I always knew that, I'm not a monster, I'm just deflecting because owwwwwwwww this hurts

-

HUG EACH OTHER YOU DUMB FUCKS SO I FEEL BETTER

-

Cas walks off instead and Sam finally after 1000 years discovers how Dean feels when Cas does that when he was angling to come along and they miscommunicated and didn't say what they meant. Except Sam wanted to come out of mutual Dad Angst comfort while Dean normally wants to go with Cas places so he can hold his hand.

-

Jack's so proud of himself for being able to drive.

"Born with a wheel in your hand"

He literally stole the Impala from you when he was 7 months in the womb

-

Dean is like, we could get you laid? And Jack is like. Nah. I have a better idea.

No idea what right now but he still doesn't wanna bang anyone

-

Ugh a Nick scene. Tag yourself I'm the old tyre in the foreground

-

Is this the house from Family Remains aka the self-admitted worst episode of the show by Kripke and Carver's explicit design

-

I am going to puke Jack wanted to go on a fishing trip with his dad

-

There were spoilers about them doing this but I repressed it the fuck down and lied to myself that Jensen was randomly teaching Alex to fish on set because I didn't want to think about Dean doing this with Jack because oh my god someone has taken my heart and gouged it out with a rusty spoon.

-

Also: someone design Jack a t-shirt with a witty slogan about fishing rather than hook ups. Like, dude bro fishing culture but in a world where you're as likely to get dumb slogans about not wanting sex as you are for it making you a babe magnet

"I'd rather be fishin" is a thing people get on mugs for the workplace but we could start with this sentiment and play

-

ALSO AS I MENTIONED I WATCHED 8x02 IN THE LAST 24 HOURS AND DEAN NEAR RIVERS SUCKS. We also have 10x01 and Daniel the fishing angel (who was the pizza man from Monster Movie, see above: slogans about fishing, pizza man innuendo, we got a thing going here) who was happy on Earth just fishing and enjoying the planet and not wanting to go back to Heaven, in a very heavy metaphor for Cas to deal with, as the angel who once compared free will to teaching poetry to fish. Lots and lots to unpack here, when we turn this into a Dean and Jack father son bonding moment and throw in Dean's peaceful dream of fishing in 4x20 that Cas interrupted. Fishing is about peace and idyll and comes as a temporary respite in this show. Traditionally, also, of course it's a sport of patience, and a classic father son bonding activity as the long stillness allows for both manly silence and sharing beers in peace, but also talk if they want to open up a conversation.

For Jack, it's an overlap of both Cas and Dean parental stuff, Cas's issues with angelic nature, where he wants to be, WHO he wants to be (just OFFERING to give up his grace to save Jack) and then with Dean we have more classic human cultural tropes but none less painful for Jack's nature and relationships. Especially throwing in that this was his choice and Dean is indulging him completely here.

-

John may or may not have taught them to fish but I feel like it may have had a "so you are dying in the woods" aspect to it rather than for peace and bonding. BOBBY taught Sam and Dean some basic woodsmanship so he was more likely to be the father figure teaching them to fish if anyone did.

-

Okay so obviously I typed that just after clutching my heart at the reveal and hitting pause, as Jack immediately goes on to say that John DID teach Dean how to fish and that it was his happiest memory of him - and it comes as a surprise for the expectations (like, that the above paragraph now stands as what I would expect of canon if I was only taking from it and not as an actual writer of the show being allowed to insert new details in which challenge us about the characters, which is where I find the line between fan fic and original fiction really is when it comes to characterisation... Anything out of left-field and you have to tag it as an AU version or explain why instead of just writing it as taken for granted).

And it's unexpected in the sense that it is such a peaceful thing and above all I think the message is that Jack intuited from whatever Dean said about it that it WAS a happy peaceful memory of John which stood so much at odds with the rest of his life. Filed under as well the thing where Mary started talking about how nice John was to Sam and Sam recoiled in confusion until Mary clarfied it was her John, not theirs. Good memories of a gentle soft John are alarming, and yet perhaps this is a way to really confront and exorcise his ghost more than anything - the sort of funeral servive memorialising of the good with the bad and working through it to come to peace in a different sort of way that lets the wounds heal and the anger leave those scars.

"It was how you said it. I could tell." He's such a smart cookie and I think that often takes Dean by surprise in the sense that Jack has been very shrewdly watching him and learning from him and absorbing anything and everything he does, which unfortunately gives him the ability to cold read Dean like very few people do, seeing past the layers and bluffs and into Dean's core.

-

Jack just murdered Dean by saying if he doesn't make it he wouldn't miss Tahiti or the Taj Mahal or implied going to seedy bars and hooking up, he'd miss more time with Dean.

I mean that's not a literal way to kill someone but you should see Dean's face. He's been shot.

And again, it's a metaphor for what you want from life for DEAN to absorb, the prompt that his family is right here and he doesn't need to chase pleasure outside of them, that hook up bar nearby their home base where he never strikes out, that's irrelevant to the family he has built and it's been put in the subtext of what Dean goes after that's empty pleasure when he has this core family unit around him, by the way Jack has also rejected it and is explaining to Dean the real meaning of Christmas.

Of course, this all gets a bit weird unless you account for the fact he has an angel wearing a trenchcoat made of husband material waiting back at the Bunker because the chronic singleton life otherwise probably ought to account for an outlet for Dean like a hook up bar if his happy ending is a platonic family bond so, you know, end the show 10 minutes from now with everyone happy and alive and not dying, and all Dean's learned is they're 3 dads, one son, a mom and her AUBobby, but he still has unused romantic potential and for seasons and seasons they've been trying to close the door on him seeking out random hook ups in the subtext of what Dean WANTS vs what he thinks he can have. This frank conversation about what Jack wants from life before it's all over is once again ignoring fleeting human connection for the family bonds he values above everything.

-

"I've had a good life, Dean" the other reason they're having this sentimental conversation by a river is because Jack is a fucking mayfly and I hate this

-

@ Dabb please never make me see Cas driving this car ever again

-

Why are you irritating Cas like this. First boring holy fire oh it must be thursday followed by the indignity of making him sit on a pouffe? Listen, when Cas gets irritated he gets snarky and then people die because he snarked them to death. I saw it he did it to the Empty. And Lucifer in 13x12. And Kip.

I just feel sorry for Cas. Why can't he go on fishing trips with the boy. Oh no he has to sit on a squishy pouffe that won't let him be intimidating so that he can cure the boy even though Jack's already decided he's gonna die and will probably Ophelia himself into the river at the end of the fishing trip.

-

Sergei is basically like "Have you tried turning it off and on again"

Nephilim have a reboot button on the back of their neck, if you get a paperclip and poke it in there.

-

At least Sergei is so... whatever he is... I can't even tell who he is supposed to be offensive towards :P I guess with the name, I lean Russian, and then he has world esoterica and occult nonsense in his caravan...

-

The real question is how does he know anything about Nephilim and why hasn't Cas asked that already.

-

LOL he has a vial of Gabriel grace just lying around. Of course, because Gabriel was just offering it up to everyone.

Considering how he was exploited for it by Asmodeus there's a weird tinge of retconning his own abuse by saying he was going around giving it to everyone before Asmodeus ever bought him and started stealing it on the regular.

Still, it IS awfully tempting a fix to have Uncle Gabriel help Jack out from beyond.

-

/distantly: "I'm not dead!"

sometimes I can still hear his voice.

-

It's way more likely Shit Goes Down and this is lost but then Cas has learned what to do with archangel grace to fix Jack just so long as they can pin down Michael and grab his instead.

-

But I guess in that circumstance at least once again Gabriel gave them part of the answer from beyond the grave as he did in season 5.

("Still not dead!!")

shush Gabriel. The show wants us to think you're dead and my complete disbelief in that doesn't change anything for now.

-

Except that maybe Gabriel came back, is fine, but has been removing his grace and selling it in the here and now while claiming not to be Gabriel and that he just haaaappens to have it and because he has no grace he could just be any old guy who happens to have an endless renewable resource of archangel grace secretly on tap to sell to fund his life of laying low. Sergei even says HE got it as part of keeping Gabriel hidden.

-

I'm kind of assuming Sergei isn't Gabriel unless he offers Cas kielbasa

-

I mean unless later I get a bonus cookie for immediately assuming Sergei is Gabriel based on the holy fire he just happened to have prepared and how similar it looked to Gabriel being trapped in 5x08.

-

On the other hand this may be the first time this season but pointing at literally everyone and going, that's probably Gabriel, will get old and also dock me cookie points the more wrong guesses I throw out there. Still, this one has pretty strong evidence, from messing with Cas to making him say "Porn stars"

-

To, um, having Gabriel's grace

-

Okay so Sergei gives Cas all of this out of the goodness of his heart and a "you owe me" and I AM wondering if that's a Buckleming special because remember in 8x19 where they were like hi we need to go to Hell immediately, and Ajay was like sure, I will take you to Hell and this episode is even titled after me so clearly I am an important character who *stab stab reaper dying noises* wow look I guess we don't have a bargain after all despite me saying you owe me but then Crowley just maaaaagically made it so you never had to find out what a reaper would want in exchange for taking you to Hell off the books.

-

Also fuck you I never got to finish my pizza

-

While I've been typing some random ass justice for Ajay screed, Nick has revealed a flashback to 14x02 where it turns out his neighbour said it was a cop who he saw coming out of the house. I literally went back and checked the episode and that wasn't in it, so perhaps it's a new flashback for here, fleshing out that conversation and revealing more for us, and changing the narrative of what Nick's up to, but honestly who cares enough about all this... I was double zoned out for flashbacks I'd already seen for a side story i don't care about

-

Wow, Nick, demons killed ya family. Could have told you that.

-

Aw, Dean brought Jack home. No dying out in the wilderness for you, clearly Cas phoned up before Jack could work out his plan to fling himself into the river.

Also Nick has taken up too much of this episode so there's no room for complicated twists and turns, if Buckleming are banned from introducing too many of them.

It's incredible how subdividing them so Eugenie writes all the Nick stuff and Brad writes the rest has elevated the parts of the story we care about to pretty much passable, give or take whatever Sergei was and who he was offensive to aside from the whole concept of calling yourself a shaman because you travelled the world collecting occult stuff in a sort of Aleister Crowley way.

-

'cept you can't namedrop Aleister on this show because both Alastair and Crowley have stolen too much from him.

-

So you get a knock off Sergei instead.

-

Jack hasn't been having as many of the supposed fainting fits that had everyone dogpiling him as I thought - maybe that's next episode too. Could have had one at the start but that doesn't seem enough to be a repeated annoyance of Alex's life :P

Anyway I was just going to comment on his sweater but that thought hopped in there first wondering if the spell was about to knock him flat, as he's sitting on a chair instead of safely in bed.

All the more dramatic for flinging yourself around if the spell messes you up

(honestly if the spells don't work, and they took him out of the hospital, how much of a bizarre commentary is this on trusting modern medicine and vaccinating your nephilims?)

-

It's 7:20 and my neighbours are yelling again

At least being awake since 3 meant I got a bit more peace and quiet than normal. I feel gross but I may go to yoga just to not be stuck in this room with such awful screeching on both sides of me >.>

-

Oh I can tell Sergei is Gabriel, he put the grace in a gold container instead of the silver ones

-

I'm sorry for the expenses, Zerbe

-

I wonder if they use her products on the show and I'm gonna go on my dash and find her beaming about a specially commissioned shiny gold grace that she made for them :P

-

"Here, hold this bottle of your uncle's essence"

".... okay I understand how weird that sounded on hindsight"

-

I love the idea of Jack's grace now being fuelled by Nice Uncle Gabriel who felt kindly towards him, even if this can't be a permanent fix, it changes his internal make up just a bit so that he symbolically has his grace stolen by his shitty bio father but the power only came from him in the first place and there was all the hoo ha about if Lucifer as his father made him inherently evil. Now whatever happens to Jack, he's had a grace transplant from a suitable donor, very much like a parallel of say he needed a kidney transplant and his 2 viable donors were his shitty deadbeat dad who gave him the kidney condition in the first place and his nice dead uncle who happened to have been an organ donor and was the only other one with the same type (if Lucifer's was X evil negative, then I guess Gabriel's is like X tricksy negative which has enough receptors to be a compatible transfusion, while Cas has like, Z dumbass positive grace and no compatibility)

And Gabriel is a beloved character who proved his kind feeling towards Jack even if they had very little bonding overall, he clearly cared and there was an immediate sort of uncle-y kindness about him in relation to Jack (just the comment alone about identifying that Jack liked shiny things and magic tricks is very much how uncles view small children who they may watch and entertain but not in the end have parental responsibility for), which is hilarious to me because Gabriel deeply reminds me of all 3 of my uncles on my mum's side, who are all 3 different shades of trickster god in their own right, and he always has reminded me of them, and now the show has sort of made Uncle Gabriel his new legacy.

I mean. I love it to bits.

It's not a sacrifice FOR Jack like Cas would have given up his grace, but it's still a part of him passed on to Jack.

-

I am very very aware that like me running my mouth about John (ironically the name of one of my uncles) while hitting pause, I've stopped while Jack is looking up with glowing eyes and he's almost certainly about to spew a fountain of blood across the room and fall on the floor. But I like that the grace even interacted with him and lit up his eyes and unless he physically barfs out the grace to I'm sticking by that ramble.

-

Cas smiled!! That's the once per season and we already hit it at episode 7, woe betide us

This does look, however, like the scene where they were all looking on from the door so... blood spew in 5 4 3 2 1...

-

DOGPILE THE BOY

-

Er, I mean, help him

-

God I would not want Jared to dogpile me, the man weighs literally as much as an actual moose

-

Uhoh Sergei made Cas mad

I mean

he made him sit on a pouffe, this was always coming

-

What do you mean Eugenie can't let Lucifer go wow what a shock

-

*kicks a pebble*

-

Ah, here's the concerned dads scene. I'm just going to let that be a balm to my soul while Dean laments ever taking Jack out to have fun.

-

"You made him happy. You did more for him than any of us"

1 dude you tried, 2 you took him on hunting trips and had fun already this season so he got his Cas Time before he died like he wanted 3 just fucking abduct him wrapped in a duvet and go fishing in the dead of night if you have to, trust me, he'd love it and your family is such a mess he wouldn't even think it's weird.

I mean you've literally absconded illegally with him before, what's a trip up to that beach where he was born and some fishing gear really going to cost you with annoyance from Dean

-

"What can we do?" "Watch over him," Rowena says with Cas in the background, and continues to carve me out with a rusty spoon

-

"As he dies"

Nah he'll be fine shut up Rowena D:

-

*whimper*

-

Well that was a very good episode if you act like me and pretend that none of the Nick stuff happened at all.

#14x07 #season 14 spoilers #my stuff

[anyu-blue]

~

[[MORE]]

I'm starting to seriously wonder if I'll ever manage to land another job.

Like I'm freaked out that even if I tried for fast food I STILL wouldn't get hired.

I finally had an two interviews two weeks ago for one place... Waited all through last week and heard nothing about it... So I called them yesterday and left a message (because they didn't pick up during regular business hours which was WEIRD for them)... Only to wake up today with an email saying they're going forward with other people.

Like .. what did I do wrong THIS time?

I was perfectly, PERFECTLY qualified with my knowledge of computers and programs, customer service, medical terminology, AND the type of random situations you only find in the healthcare industry.... My face-to-face interview felt great and they said it was great... Maybe they wanted more of me though and I'm not pushy enough to do that without KNOWING they want something... Or maybe something I said/showed them was wrong and I'll probably never know and keep failing interviews because of it.

It's getting out of hand and idk what to do... I have no income so I rely on my bf and sister... Which is fine, realistically, because they say it is (even if Tevie is a witch about things and aggravates my issues by telling me I've failed (despite my best efforts))... But I feel trapped by it... Insecure... And it bleeds.

I try not to ask them for things... Pass up stuff I want and need... Obsess about the parts of the bills that were/are my responsibility down to the last cent... And that's ALL I can do. I can't contribute. All I can do is use our resources and be an item collecting dust for all intents and purposes and I HATE it. I hate feeling like a leech (see parental bullying circa childhood). I've even asked my sister not to get me anything I wanted for Christmas in exchange for some of the things I need before then and Christmas gifts for other people.

Aaaaand then there's the OTHER catch....

They won't even LET me apply for positions like fast food (assuming I'm even hirable, go figure)... Because they know I would grind myself into dust working a job like that... And they'd rather I not be dust than my having funds to pay my share of the bills.

It's.. kind of them.. but if I'm already breaking and cracking and killing myself with stress and neglect because I can't contribute... How is that any worse? At least I'd be helping...

I seriously don't know what to do...

I apply and apply and apply all over this city. I get email confirmations of my applications ALL THE TIME.... And that's practically it. I'm LUCKY if I get an email saying they don't want my application/ME. I call and I'm LUCKY if I get someone.. and I'm LUCKY if I DO and they say ANYTHING more than 'Oh yeah, we're hiring.'

I can't keep this up... The constant rejection is aggravating my issues so so so terribly bad.

Was it the fact I mentioned I have PTSD (cuz he asked and I'm not going to lie) but then said I was fine seeing blood and dealing with awful/violent people and didn't mention my issues lay in rejection and not stuff like that that threw my interview off?

Was it the fact I showed/told him about my missing teeth and that my plate might break and it might be some time before I can get a new one and asked if it would be a problem?

Did I share too much? Not enough? Miss a critical thing? LOOK/SOUND funny? Fidget too much?

I'm fine losing one job interview... I'm fine with a few places telling me I was a little too late in getting my application in compared to someone else... I'm HAPPY someone got the jobs I'm trying for- good for them... I'm happy the PLACES found a good match- good for them too!! Hooray!!

But rejection after rejection after rejection... It's been 4 months without a job... Of CONSTANT nos and failures.

Do you know how many places I've applied for? How many positions? How many forms and cover letters I've filled out each week?

I'm emotionally drained... And maybe THAT'S why I failed (again) this time... I wasn't enthusiastic enough... Too nervous and 'fake' and strained in my smile...

Idk...

But I lose my healthcare next month... Which means my doctor, my meds, my chances to get better. I can't even use it RIGHT NOW because I can't pay the stupid $65 co-pay they RANDOMLY tacked on to my account (not to mention whatever else they decide isn't covered by it). I didn't have a co-pay THAT HIGH (at all, actually) with the SAME INSURANCE when I was getting paid $13.25 AN HOUR as a phlebotomist (God I miss that job so much...)... So I'm terribly stressed and at a loss and DESPERATE for a job.

If I could get one.. I could have the healthcare I need to get everything officially diagnosed without going HUGELY into debt like I would if I tried right now, which would in turn make my working easier on myself and everyone involved to where I could get even better work and so on and so on...

But I can't even START that process until I get a job... And if I don't before the 15th of next month... I'm screwed for healthcare anyway.

Just a sick disabled bum 'living comfortably' thanks to someone's kindness (which is straining because Lonlon works two jobs which both suck at the moment and Tevie wants her money to herself- I don't blame her. She's bad with it, doesn't want help, and doesn't want to have to stress about anyone but herself).

Idk what to do. I don't have the energy or motivation for anything... I'm trying, but it's not DOING... I've got no structure.. no foundation... And whatever I did have has crumbled and continues crumbling.

I'm waiting on three more places to... Idk email, call, reject me, or none of those things... I don't have much of any hope. And idk what is going wrong if they reject me too...

I have one thing I can try in the meantime if I can get Tevie to leave me alone for hours on end from now til my birthday (a really exhausting and gargantuan task, let me tell you)... If no one accepts my applications... It's my last shot and is going to take a lot of willpower.. it might take everything I have left if I fail... But... *Sigh*... I guess we'll see.

#personal #negative #delete later #ignore me #life in general